Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Once upon a time,

In a land far far away,

Lived a princess by the name of Ranpo. ......Ranpoo.... anpoo......poopoo..... SNERF SNOO CACKLE SKREEEEEEEEEEEE SKREEEEE AHAHAHA *knee slap* WEHEHEHE PFFFFFT SNARFLE *choke wheeze* AHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAA I made a cute little joke there. Once some girl asked me FREAKY questions in among us. but that is unrelated to this magical fairy tale that is about to unfold.

One day, poopoo was twerking to the Kahoot lobby music, when he decided that maybe he should wander into the forest of Sheeran.... because he has a thing for mysterious figures singing "Shape of you".

So he scooted over like a stupid little Chihuahua with worms, munching happily on some tree bark on the way.

When he was only a few minutes into the gloomy place, he saw a goofy looking raccoon! Or maybe a cat...? Well whatever it was, it stole his lucky bag of pee, and scampered off deeper into the woods.

"IN THE NAME OF OUR FOUNDING FATHERS MORI, ADAM, HISOKA, AND COLLEEN BIRNG ME BACK MY PISS!!!!!" But the raccoon rightfully hated all four of those so called "Founding fathers" and kept running. Ranpo realized that he should've worded that differently, because he too hated those people. Along with ninety percent of the population.(both human and raccoon.)

And so Ranpoo kept running, desperate to catch up to the cat/raccoon. Just when he thought he couldn't take one more step, it stopped at the feet of a tall man wearing an even taller hat.

"What's this, Karl?" he asked, not yet seeing Ranpo. He took the bag of pee and examined it.

"MY LUCKY PEE!!" Ranpo screeched, startling the taller.

"WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTDDDDAAAAAAFFFFFAAAAAKKK" He screamed as if he had just spotted five powdered doughnuts, throwing the pee at ranpoo's face to protect himself from the unknown threat.

Ranpoo just slurped it up and stared at him. "Why are you wearing such a dumb hat?" The witches fear turned into the usual self consciousness as he took off the triangle he had set on his head.

"Uhh.. well I'm a witch...."

"Name address and social security number?"

"Um, Poe, 453 homogay street..... I don't have a social security number because the government is a conspiracy." Ranpoo just kinda shrugged it off as hormones or something and kept going on his merry way as Poe stood frozen in shock behind him.

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“Wait pookie” Poe yodeled, skittering over to Ranpo. “I actually have no friends.”

“Womp womp I guess.” Ranpo said like an annoying twelve year old that spends their whole life looking at memes.

“But look at me, I'm so small and pathetic.” Poe reasoned, hoping the other would take pity on him and invite him along.

“You’re six feet tall- seven with your really tall hat- but you are extremely pathetic so I will take you with me.”

“Yippee!”

So the two walked on, the raccoon/cat still trailing behind them. But Poe was screaming in fright at everything. Including an ant that slightly resembled an among us character.

“Have you never been outside before?” Ranpo screeched in his ear.

“No bro this is actually my first time out of the house.”

Ranpo looked disgusted. “Touch grass or I’ll touch you.” Poe made sure to avoid grass for the rest of their walk. Ranpo noticed this. “I take back what I said.”

“Dude you promised.” Poe looked crestfallen. Ranpo ignored him, instead opting to yell at birds because he’s kind of a mean guy. So they kept twerking along the trail, sometimes hitting the griddy because they’re ipad kids if ipad kids were almost thirty years old. “Hey do you want to play Among Us with me?” Poe begged.

“Okay but only if I get to be sussy cyan.”

“The thoughts I’m having about you are sussy.”

“What was that?”

“I said that I like your eyelashes.” Poe giggled like a thirteen year old girl that just got a text from me because I just text children sometimes. It’s okay though, because I play the ukelele in my apology video, so we’re all good!!

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow vmeow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

Silly me

So anyway, Ranpo and Poe eventually came to a river, where they heard a beautiful voice singing “Shape Of You”.

“RANPO WE HAVE TO RUN IT’S A GINGER”

“But I think that gingers are sigma….”

“YES BUT THIS ONE IS ARMED AND-” But before he could finish his sentence, an elf with red hair emerged from the river. “Meow meow meow meow” he said menacingly.

GOSH DIDDLY DARN NOW HE’S POINTING A RIFLE AT THEM!!!!!!!!!!!! WHATEVER WILL THEY DO?????? FIND OUT NEXT ON “Ever Since Then”

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“Give me all ur robux” The elf said.

“Bro you play roblox? Heh… what an ipad kid.” Ranpo snickered smartly even though he met his first ever toe sucker on roblox. Their name was Albert, and they were…. Freaky to say the least. Their username was ‘sussyimpostersigma69’..... Urgh romance.

But Ranpo didn’t want to think about his past relationship. It ended badly when Albert gave him one star in dress to impress. That mother FLIPPER (we don’t curse here no siree.)

“Erm…. Daddy- I mean Ranpo? What do we do?” Poe cutely fiddled with his thumbs. (It wasn’t very cute though, just pathetic. But that's okay because we’re all a little pathetic sometimes. Except for you. You’re a lot pathetic.)

“Alright you social reject, here's the plan!! We point our gyatts at him, and since were both flat as an oddly shaped banana (a banana that grows in a straight line) he’ll be disgusted and run away.”

Poe nodded as if he understood, but he was actually playing Weird Al “Yankovic”’s song “Albuquerque” on repeat in his brain. Since he wasn’t listening, he didn’t quite understand the instructions. So instead of pointing his nonexistent gyatt at chuuya, he took a big bite out of his jugular vein.

In his defense, the song told him to do it.

“WHAT POE oh actually I guess that works. But how dare you defy me/srs” ranpo screeched. So chuuya was just dying a little bit because what the freak man. He liked his jugular vein.

“:(“ chuuya said.

“:3” poe said.

“The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell” Ranpo said.

“>:(“ Yosano said. Idk when she got here but she’s joining their silly little trip now.

“Why are you angry” ranpo said in a monotone way.

“You three are way too old to be ipad kids.” She sneered, turning her face away.

“Yosano you literally play fortnite with me on a daily basis.” Ranpo looked PUZZLED.

“Bro I’m over that now. You need a new fortnite buddy.” Yosano shrugged. “Oh don’t look so PUZZLED.”

So they continued their trek, leaving chuuya to bleed out behind them.

Chapter Text

So now that Yosano was with them, things were going to be different. They could no longer flirt or whatever the flippity flop you would call what they do, because Yosano found it DISGUSTING.

“Erm, hey Ranpo, I picked these flowers for you pooks..” Poe squealed like a teenage girl.

Ranpo took the flower and gracefully ate it without even chewing. Yosano then stomped on them both because they’re pathetic losers and she’s just better than them.

“Ugly people..” she scoffed. She was mostly talking about Poe though because Ranpo isn’t ugly.

They continued to walk, not really sure where they were even going anymore because I forgot why I wrote this. Unfortunately, they ran into DAZAI.. ewwwww. This disgusting man was trying to eat dirt, because he thought he was a worm. He kind of is because of how pathetic he looks.

“Ew…. Who eats dirt????” Poe and Yosano shout at the exact same time because they were both equally disturbed by this hideous scene. Ranpo wasn’t very impressed either, but he sometimes eats dirt too. But it’s sigma when HE does it.

TO BE CONTINUED BECAUSE IM PRETTY SURE SOMEONE IS HACKING ME AND CALLING ME A LOSER IM NOT GOING CRAZY THIS IS REAL THZI IS NOY A JOKR THEYRE MOCKING ME THROUGH THE SCREEN