Archive of Our Own ^beta

Year 1

In the beginning it’s shit. 

There's a lot of blame. A lot of fights. 

He didn't even want to go. She forced him. 

She wouldn't have ended up there if it weren't for him.

It’s… tense. To say the least. 

But how can they not be? Not feel rage and regret? Not wish and hope and plead that this is all a bad dream? Not do the only thing they really can do and blame each other? 

About six months in, they realize they need to stop. It’s been endless passing of the map. Back and forth. Her idea failing and him insisting on a ‘better’ one. His plan blowing up in his face and her deciding she was in charge now. Eventually they realized that to get out they had to work together. At least not blame each other as much.

Year one was the sound of train doors opening. The burn of walking up subway steps. The soreness of a throat wrecked by yelling.

They sat apart. Always the same seats no matter what car they were in. Separated by a door to keep them from lashing out. They needed a little space, stuck here all alone. And if they didn't, well… who knew what would happen? It might end in both of them dead. 

After they started trying to work together, it was still tense. Still painful. Lila was always thinking of her kids. Of her family. Of Diego. Five was always thinking of himself. 

Not in a self obsessed way. He wondered what he did to end up here. Unable to stop yet another apocalypse. This ever present hurt in his chest. Helpless to do anything about… well, anything, really. 

It was always quiet, once they got past the bickering. They never spoke on the train, both of them afraid it would lead to a blow up that neither of them had the will to do. They passed the time the only way they could. Sleeping. Thinking. Climbing. All while staying as far apart as possible. 

They passed the first year with anger and silence. Resentment and pain. It was their goal to hurt each other, because at least hurting each other was something they could actually achieve. 

---

Year 2

By year two it wasn't just a temporary thing. It was their lives now. Hunting for food. Foraging for scraps. Camping out of platforms at night instead of mindlessly riding the train at all hours of the day. 

Things calmed down. They worked more effortlessly now. Five found that it was easy to bounce ideas off her, because they had the same thought process. She always anticipated his thoughts. He guessed it came with their Commission training. The way they’d been conditioned to think. Another commonality they shared. 

She got excited at the most random things. The box of gumballs they found at one station. The few times the speaker box said something decipherable. The time he caught a massive rat that fed them for a few days. It was admirable that she could maintain her optimism in times like these. 

She attributed it to her family. The thoughts and memories of them that lifted her spirits. The idea that she’d reunite with them eventually. She knew it deep in her soul. 

At least it kept him sane. Having someone who talked about and thought about something other than this miserable transportation system. Someone with hope. He respected it. Her strength. It was the same strength that got him through the apocalypse the first time. But it was long gone from him now. 

Five sat down in the newest cart with a sigh. They still sat apart, because while they could be friendly outside, every time they entered a new car it was a piercing reminder of the loss they both felt, stirring up old feelings of blame and resentment. 

So they sat. Always across from each other. Never touching. Never close. 

He ran a hand over his face and through his hair. It was getting too long. Longer than he liked it. Inefficient. Annoying. 

“I can cut it if you want.”

His head turned towards her. That dull look on her face she tried to hide with a smile. The bags under her eyes. The stringy hair she put up in a bun that morning. But she still looked as beautiful as ever. It was a skill that probably served her well.

“Pardon?”

It was the first few words they’d exchanged on a train car since their initial fights. It was an unspoken rule by now. No talking while between stations. It felt odd to break it, but somehow, not unwelcome. It felt like he just exhaled a breath he’d been holding a little too long. 

She leaned on the rail that kept her from the doors and pointed lazily at him. “Your hair. You hate it, right?” She let loose a small chuckle. “You're always such a clean cut guy, it must be killing you to have it all…” She made some woo-ing noises as she waved her hands in the air. 

He leaned his hand against the wall, staring at the ceiling. “Yeah. I guess.”

“So I'll cut it,” she said, like she had decided all on her own. She always had this finality to her words that made it hard for him to argue. “Next stop we find that’s semi-normal, I'll see if I can find some scissors top-side, and will cut that ugly rats nest of yours.”

“Do you even know how to cut hair?” he asked. 

She shrugged, resting her head in one hand. “Not really. But hey.” Her mouth split into a grin. “Not like you've got any other choices, eh?”

He couldn't help but smile at that. It has been so long since he's done anything but a small smirk that he felt the grime on his face shift. He let out a snort and let himself lean back again, closing his eyes. “Yeah. I guess you're right.”

Getting his hair cut by Lila Pitts was the most nerve wracking experience of his life. And he had been an assassin. 

She was so choppy and inexperienced, just cutting wherever she felt like it. Every once and a while, she would try to cut around his ears, but the sheer closeness of the blades to his skin made him nervous. He wasn't quite sure he trusted Lila completely, nor that her previous murderous tendencies had completely vanished. But she had such joy in murdering his brown locks that he didn't have the heart to tell her no. 

It was always quiet with them. Silent on the train. They were both scared to accidentally stir something up. Then where would they be? Right back at the beginning. 

Conversations were rare. It was more about survival than anything. When she noticed his mood falling, she’d crack a joke or do something stupid. When he saw her getting that blank look in her eyes he’d tease her about some old memory, just to remind her of the better days they’d soon get back to. They were each other's life support, though they didn’t realize it yet. They kept each other moving. 

Five was so tired. So tired of apocalypses and the world ending. Tired of one thing after the other. He’d gotten his hopes up about retirement and then it had been cruelly ripped from his hands. His chest ached. His body slowed. He didn’t want to be there. Couldn't be there. And yet, he was. And he was so damn done with it. 

Lila didn’t notice. Couldn’t understand it even if she did. Not with everything he’d been through. His family had always been his top priority, and even now they were at the top of his list. Getting back to them was the goal. Back to them, and getting Lila back to her family. Those were his driving forces. The things that kept him waking up in the morning. That and her. And her relentless fucking optimism. 

But he saw it. Those moments in between stops when she thought he wasn’t looking. The cracks in her exterior. The pain that lurked between the surface. But there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing she would want him to do about it. Lila was strong. Five knew that. She didn’t need anyone worrying about her. Besides. He had enough things on his mind to worry about. 

But every once and a while he couldn’t help it. He saw her hurting, and he took a chance. Gave her a hug, cracked a joke, let her know he was here if she needed. It was the least he could do. And the smile returning to her face was always worth it. 

They passed the second year with silence and small bits of laughter, hope and comfort starting to spring up in their little dynamic. Maybe they were stuck here, but hey. At least they were stuck together. 

---

Year 3

Hope was harder to come by in year three. It has been so long that it almost seemed pointless. Five watched as the light slowly died from her eyes. She talked about the family less, but he knew she still thought about them. There was something else propelling her forward. Something less powerful than her kids and family, but something still there. 

Lila was only surviving on her sheer stubbornness. She had gone through too much to kowtow to some endless underground wasteland. Losing her family. The Handler’s betrayal. Finally starting her own family and gaining back the old one. She couldn't lose it because of one stupid mistake. 

She noticed Five changing a bit. Surely he could tell how her spirit was waning. He did what he could to keep it up. Cracking jokes. Playful teasing. Even surprising her with a makeshift chess game he made from random bits and bobs he collected from all the places they visited. It was one of the most thoughtful gifts she ever received. Something that meant more than just alleviating boredom. It was him paying attention to her mood and finding a way to lift it. 

She thought about Diego and wondered if he would ever do that. Be so attentive to her needs that he knew just what to do. It made her laugh a little. He was a good guy, but he never failed to let things about her go completely over his head. That was one thing she didn't miss. 

“What are you laughing about?” Five asked curiously. 

She’d noticed him doing this so much more now. Asking her about what she was thinking. Once, he’d even handed her a coin off the ground and honest to God, asked her, “Penny for your thoughts?” She smiled at the memory. 

“Nothing. Just thinking.”

“Well, whatever it is, it sure distracted you.” He moved a couple pieces across the board and smirked at her. “Checkmate.”

“Oh, no fair!” she exclaimed, looking at the board in shock. “That’s cheating.”

He shrugged, throwing his ankle up to rest on his knee, face stuck in an arrogant smirk. “Just payback from last week. When you cheated when my head was turned? Ring any bells?”

“I’m quite sure I don't know what you mean,” she said, though she knew the smile on her face gave her away immediately. 

He just gave her a knowing look. “Sure you don't.” He let out a sigh and tapped his leg, standing up and threading his fingers through his hair. It made her hand itch, remembering the feeling of his soft locks in her hand every time she cut his hair. The motion distracted her for a moment. Sent all other thoughts from her head until he spoke. “Time to head out, don't you think? I want to get one last stop in before we’re stuck for the night.” He looked around, his face scrunching up. She wanted to smooth out all the wrinkles in his face, feel him relax under her touch. “Hopefully the next one’s better than this dump.”

“Oh come on!” she tried, standing to meet him. “This place is nice.”

He just glared at her. “Yeah, if ‘dirty shit hole’ is your definition of nice. This place isn't even nice enough for the rats.”

She snorted at that. “Maybe. But it's got nice memories.” She guestured over to the chess board. “Y’know, like me beating you at subway chess four times in a row?”

He elbowed her, rolling his eyes in annoyance, but she recognized the action as one of fondness, not negativity. “Three. Don't get ahead of yourself.”

She held up her hands in surrender. “Whatever you say.”

She went to clean up and he followed. They picked up the pieces, their hands brushing every so often when they went for the same piece. She wondered how his hands had stayed so soft even after all of this. Three years of hardship. 

They shoveled the pieces in an old Ziploc they found at the site of one of those world-destroying apocalypses the timelines seemed to love so much. Most of the things they owned by now were found. The bag was gallon sized, which let them fit the board in too. Five sealed it up and held it out to her. “You take this, I'll grab…” He made a vague hand gesture. “Everything else.”

She laughed at that. “What? Trying to prove you're a big strong man? Don't worry, I know how macho you are.”

“I wouldn't say macho,” he said in that teasing smugness he donned so often. His lips turned upward in that lopsided grin of his. He unhooked the rabbit he’d caught earlier from the ceiling and lifted the bag of supplies over his shoulder. “Chivalrous, maybe.”

“Yeah, Five. You're a real knight in shining armor.” She leaned in close, hands clasping the bag behind her back. She made a point to look him up and down. “Don't worry. I think it's cute.” 

She shot him a quick wink and stalled just long enough to see him fumble, eyes panicked and supply bag sprawling across the floor. She just grinned and turned on her heel, waiting by one of the podiums for the next train to come. 

Lila could feel his eyes on her back and he grabbed everything he dropped. She knew she was testing the unspoken lines they'd drawn. So unspoken she wasn't even sure how to put it into words. There shouldn’t even have to be a line, and yet there was. But what was life without a little bit of rule bending? Boring that was what it was. And Lila Pitts was anything but boring.

Besides. It was just a bit of fun. Teasing between friends. Five knew that and so did she. 

She felt a funny feeling in her chest when he came back next to her, eyes straight ahead as the newest train arrived, right on time. Her eyes traced his jawline. The way his forearms strained under the weight of the bag. The disheveled look of him with his shirt sleeves rolled up and his hair mussed and his collar askew. 

He glanced over to her as the door opened, noticing her staring. He just gave her a friendly smile. “Shall we?”

She blinked, shaking her head to snap herself out of it. “Yeah,” she agreed, following him into the carriage. 

She forced down the feeling, ignoring it to the best of her abilities. Just a bit of friendly teasing, she told herself. Nothing more.

They stood in an abandoned station. She didn’t know why she had to clarify that. All of them were abandoned. The entire system was abandoned. 

This one was particularly cluttered, with huge cardboard boxes and broken pieces of what looked to have been some sort of weird sculpture. They didn’t dwell on it. Whatever it was was long gone by now. Lost to time the way she was starting to feel. 

He’d stacked up a few of the boxes, placing them in a line with a few of the taller sculpture fragments. They stood a good few yards away, facing them down like one would with an immoble enemy. 

Lila stared at them, concentrating all of her energy on hitting them. If she could just make her stupid new laser eyes work once, then she would be happy. But so far? Nada. 

“Think about it this way,” Five tried when he saw her struggling. “This new power is an extension of your body. When you think about moving your arm, you do. When you want to walk, do you. It’s automatic because, well…” He reached out and held up her arm with both hands, soft fingers lightly tracing the exposed skin. “You know it’s there. You can feel it. You don’t think for a moment, “Gee, I probably won't be able to move my arm for some reason”, do you? It’s confidence. It’s being comfortable with your body and your skills. And it’s practice.” 

She watched him let go of her arm and her chest burned, a feeling she wasn’t familiar with. She just shook her head, turning again to the stacks. She narrowed her eyes, and with all her concentration… nothing happened. 

She let out a groan, head falling backward in annoyance. 

“No, you’re trying too hard.”

“Am I just supposed to not try at all, Five?”

He let out a sigh, rubbing his temples a little. She felt a little bad for snapping. But this exercise was getting to both of them. 

“No, it’s just… Look.” He waved a finger over her face. “Every time you’ve done it, it’s been in a moment where you’re not thinking about it. High adrenaline, lots of things happening, a bunch of distractions. It doesn’t take a lot. But it takes more focus to try and stop it than to just… let it go. Don’t think, don’t try… just do.”

She rolled her eyes. Maybe it made some sense, but she didn’t know how to put that method into practice. So she looked at the boxes and tried to will it to happen. To let go of all her thoughts. To use the power as effortlessly as she copied others. Yeah. She could do that. Just do the same thing as her mimic power. She just had to remember what she did. 

“Relax,” Five ordered. 

“I am relaxed!” she yelled. She paused, pursing her lips angrily. “Okay, that didn’t sound like it. But I’m trying. And I don’t see how you being a cryptic little know-it-all is going to help me figure it out.”

Then he did something unexpected. 

She felt his hands before she saw what he was doing. Felt the pressure in her shoulders. The suddenness made her jump a little, but eventually she relaxed into his touch. “What…”

“You are so tense,” he explained. “I know it’s hard. We’ve been in overdrive for even longer than we’ve been down here.” She couldn’t completely understand all of his words. Her mind was so caught up in the feeling of his hands on her. “And you don’t have to do this. It’s helpful, but not necessary. I know you can handle yourself. You do too.” 

Her shoulders slumped and her body swayed as he massaged muscles she didn’t even know existed. She’d never felt this way before. So calm. So at peace. So trusting of the person behind her. She was always on edge. Always on guard. But now…

When she opened her eyes, the middle box split in half. 

“Hey!” he exclaimed, dropping his hands. “You did it!”

Lila was always one for victory, but she almost wished she’d stayed helpless a little longer if it meant he’d still be touching her. 

“Yeah,” she nodded, still a little dazed. “I did.”

She stared at the box on the right for a second, and then like magic, a green blaze shot from her eyes and destroyed the pile. She treated the fragments on the left to the same fate. 

“See?” Five asked, a smirk on his face. His voice went from encouraging, to that teasing condescension he loved so much. Lila loved it too, though she would never admit it. “You’re a natural.”

“Yeah, no thanks to my teacher,” she scoffed. She stared at the bases again, trying to do it one more time. Nothing happened. “Guess I’m not a master of it yet,” she shrugged. “Oh well. I’ll get there.” She turned to him and put a hand on his shoulder. “Thanks for this. You’re not as bad a mentor as I might have thought.”

He snorted at her words. “I appreciate the vote of confidence.”

She just grinned. “Anytime.” She stared back over at the campsite. “Now. What’s for dinner? I’m famished.” 

He gave her that look she kept seeing lately. The little smile, eyes full of admiration. It woke up butterflies in her stomach that she thought died off a long time ago. She wondered why they chose now to wake up, but that was an issue for another day. 

“Rat, I believe,” he answered, face contorting like he was trying to remember. “Just like last night. And the night before. And this morning.”

She clasped her hands together. “Sounds great. Let’s get cooking.”

They still sat apart on the train, though now it was just a habit. It worked for all these years, why change it? Sometimes they would talk. Sometimes they sat in silence. More often than not they were lost in their own worlds. 

Trust was their biggest issue. When it came to the battlefield, they were all over it. Fighting in sync, their powers complimenting each other in a way she wasn’t used to having. He was an extension of herself. At least when it came to fighting bad guys and staying alive. But it was the little stuff. 

He always slept with a knife under his pillow. One he’d picked up in one of the first normal timelines they visited. She was sure it wasn’t just for her, but there was a nagging feeling that part of it certainly was. Like he was afraid she’d decide, “Fuck it, I’m not sticking around with this loser any longer” and slit his throat in his sleep. Or how he tended to tense up every time she cut his hair, when her scissors got a little too close to his face. It hurt a little more than it should have. She understood, of course. But she seemed to trust him a lot more than he trusted her. Then again, she’d always been the one to betray the Hargreeves’ in the past. Maybe the distrust wasn’t misplaced. 

She was cutting his hair the day after one of their scarier expeditions. He’d almost been slashed to bits by some weird cyborg guy, when Lila whipped out her laser eyes and shot him dead. Five’s lessons were really starting to pay off. 

The encounter had rattled him a bit. He wouldn’t admit it, but she could tell. She didn’t mention it. Instead she’d opted for a distraction. A rousing game of subway chess to relax before dinner. He’d agreed instantly. She let him win. 

She could tell he was doing better. He’d woken up with a little bit of pep in his step that only showed up when he’d had some sort of revelation in his head the night before. She wondered what it was this time. 

The only noise in the station was the gentle snip snip of the scissors cutting his hair. He sat in an old chair with his head back, eyes closed, and face relaxed like he was thinking about something pleasant. She carded her fingers through his hair, letting them linger when she pulled out the strands to compare the length. She noticed his head move, leaning into her touch like it was automatic. Face relaxing a bit as her thumb grazed his cheek. 

It made her wonder. Five had gotten quite a bit more touchy in recent months. It helped keep her mind off the shit they dealt with all the time. He’d calmed her when she needed it. Maybe sometimes he needed a little bit of affection too. 

She smiled softly, letting her hand linger a little bit longer before tilting his head back and setting to work on his bangs. They were his biggest pet peeve. She’d realized a long time ago he didn’t like how they obscured his vision. 

When she finished, they got to packing, ready to head out to the next station. Lila came away from it feeling like she learned something valuable. 

It was never hard with Five. He was so attentive that she didn’t even have to talk, he just knew what she needed. She felt like she was losing her mind, and Five was there to help pick up the pieces. 

She missed the kids. Missed her parents. Thought about Diego and how he was faring. Five assured her that barely any time would have passed when they eventually returned, but still. She wondered if he’d thought of her at all. If he was having more fun hanging out with Ribbons at the CIA then he’d ever had in these six years with her. 

The thought never failed to hurt her, but time and time again, there was Five. 

LIttle touches had become commonplace by now. It was just something automatic. They never really talked about it, just comforted each other with it. The trust was there, she realized. What she’d mistaken for suspicion was really just care. His protection. Him trying to express things without knowing how. To tell her that it was okay. Maybe even to apologize for this stupid situation she didn’t even think about blaming him for anymore. She always cringed when she remembered how much she used to blame him for it. Now she knew that she just had misplaced anger and he was a willing participant. 

They fell into a rhythm. An effortless respect for eachother that she knew they’d always had, just never thought about. Five was one of her own after all. A commission worker who’d gone through the same things she had. He could appreciate her skill as much as she could appreciate his. Only now, it wasn’t just skill they admired about each other. For Lila, it was the way he could pick up on her emotions. The way he tried so hard to make this shitty situation right again. The way he put her above all else so he could make sure to get her back home. 

Maybe it was the fact that he was the only one she’d interacted with in years. Maybe it was that she wasn’t used to it. Maybe it was just that Five had figured out how she worked. But she never felt alone with him. Never felt misunderstood. 

Was that what she’d been feeling all these years? Loneliness? She hadn’t even realized it until it disappeared. 

Traveling with Five started to feel more like home than anything else. And it scared her. 

They passed year 3 with brief touches and smiles on their faces. They kept searching, but was it really the same? It didn’t feel like the only option anymore. Maybe there was something else to life than survival.

---

Year 4

Year 4 was the slowest of the years. When things started to come to light.

They sat apart on the train, though the only thing he wanted to do was be near her. But he knew that sitting together on the train would lead to bigger things. Things they couldn't come back from. Once they crossed that line, there was no going back. 

In the meantime there was flirting. It was harmless banter. The kind they did normally, just… a little to the left. It was fine. It didn't mean anything. Just a way to pass the time and get out some energy that has been storing up for the past three years. Lila had Diego, and Five had… Well, no one. But it wasn't like he needed anyone. At least, that's what he told himself.

It was a distraction. It was meant to be a distraction. To stop them thinking about any of the other things in their shit lives. She took up every corner of his mind. There wasn’t a moment that he didn’t think about her. He did everything for her. He kept moving, kept waking up, kept trying so he could get her home. It was all for her. 

They walked through an abandoned wasteland, kicking over buckets and flipping whatever they could find to look for supplies. Food, water, clothes, whatever. But this timeline seemed to be a dud. 

“Everything useful here has been burned to ash,” he frowned, couching down and letting the dust fall through his fingers. He stood up and faced her, adjusting the bag on his shoulder. “We’ll look for a little bit longer and then we can head back.”

“Sounds good to me,” she shrugged, continuing onward with a little pep in her step. 

Before he could follow, a flash caught his eye. Something nestled in the rubble. He dug around it, pulling out a black hair tie with a jewel encrusted flower attached to it. He had no doubt the gems were fake—probably plastic or something—but it was still pretty. 

“Five!” she called out behind him. “Come look at this!”

He pocketed the hair tie and stood up, turning to follow the sound of her voice. He turned the corner around a huge trash heap and noticed what she was looking at. 

An old office building that somehow had remained mostly intact. The doors were broken off and the concrete foundation was incredibly chipped and damaged, but otherwise it was probably the most intact landmark in this place. 

He looked up at it, squinting a little against the sun. “Yeah. What about it?”

She stared at him like he was crazy. “It’s perfect! I’ll bet we can find a bunch of goodies inside.” She looked around, face scrunching in distaste. “It’s not like there’s anything else worthwhile here.”

He frowned, looking it over again. “I don’t know, Lila. It seems pretty unstable to me.” 

She rolled her eyes playfully, elbowing him in the side. “Where’s life without a little risk?”

He shook his head. “It’s not worth it.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. Her mouth split into a crooked grin. Her hands drifted innocently towards his chest, wrapping loosely around his tie. Then suddenly, she tugged hard, pulling him close until their faces were only inches apart. “Are you… scared, Five?” she asked in a mocking tone. 

His heartbeat sped up, his eyes locked into her defiant gaze. He cleared his throat, composing himself. “Not scared, just cautious. I've done the whole apocalypse thing before. You haven't. Recklessness for the sake of fun is what’ll get you killed, Lila. Especially in a place like this.”

She pouted at him, hand still firm on his tie. She pushed him back a few steps, against the wall of the trash heap. “You’re worried about me?” she asked innocently. Her hands reached up to play with the lapel of his suit jacket. “I’d be more worried about yourself, if I were you, Five.”

He raised an eyebrow, that smug smirk of his starting to show. This, he could deal with. This was familiar. 

“And why’s that?” he asked her, not daring to look away. He wanted to memorize every detail of her face. Of this situation. How she was standing, how she said every word. “I thought I had you watching my back.”

She pulled him closer, their noses nearly touching. He could lean in to kiss her. It would take absolutely nothing. And the way she looked at him made him wonder if she wanted him to. 

“Doesn’t help if I’m the one you need to watch out for.” Her hand flattened against his chest, slowly tracing over his body. Two layers between them: his jacket and his shirt. He found himself wishing he’d left the jacket in the station. 

He reached up and grabbed her wrist, holding it to his chest. Her eyes met his and his voice dropped down to a whisper. “What if I want everything you throw at me?”

“You don’t even know what it is,” she replied, her voice as soft as his. 

“I want whatever you’ll give me,” he said earnestly, thumb drawing circles on the back of her palm. It was dangerously close to the truth. This wasn't the game. The game was harmless. This could be incredibly harmful, actually. 

She opened her mouth to reply, when a voice spoke around the corner. “Yeah, I think I saw someone this way!”

“Shit,” Five grumbled, head snapping up, looking for the source of the voice. He looked back to Lila, threading his fingers through the hand he’d been holding. “C’mon, we gotta go.”

She just nodded, following him as he dragged her back to the subway entrance, careful not to make any noise. He heard the footsteps behind them. Heard the voices talking. Things being shoved over as they looked for him and Lila’s hiding place. 

He felt a tug on her hand as she stopped. “Lila, we have to go,” he urged. 

“I know that, nitwit. My shoe is stuck,” she frowned, looking down. 

Her old, size-too-big tennis shoes were stuck between a rock and some weird box oozing a black, tar-looking substance. She tugged on her leg, trying to get it free. 

“Leave it.”

“But—”

“We’ll get you a new pair. I’m not getting shot today over a fucking shoe.”

She frowned at him, but still crouched down, untying the laces and pulling her foot free. 

Together they ran back to the Subway entrance, running through just as the first shot rang through the sky. Five let out a deep breath. “That was close.” Lila just nodded, leaning against the wall. “I told you we should have left it alone.”

She just waved him off. “Yeah, yeah. You were right, I was wrong. Let’s get on with it, shall we?”

He nodded. “Stay here for the night and leave in the morning?” he asked. 

“Sounds fine.”

They made their way down the stairs and Five made a beeline for the travel packs, ready to set up. He’d just gotten out the matches when he heard Lila scream out in pain. 

Alarm bells went off in his head, a flare of panic and fear shooting through him at once. He ran to her, dropping the matches and crouching next to her. She clutched her foot in her hands, and that’s when he saw it. The six inch piece of clear glass jutting out of her foot. She screamed in pain, face turning red and eyes watering up with tears. The entire dictionary of curse words flew from her mouth. If he wasn’t so panicked, he might have been impressed with the new ones she created when she ran out of the old standbys. 

“Hey, look at me,” he ordered. 

She looked up at him with fearful eyes, brow creased with concern. He never wanted to see her like this again. 

He composed his expression, brain going into crisi mode. He was calm. He was collected. Freaking out would only make her freak out more and then they’d both be useless. He wanted to kick something. Throw something. But helping was his top priority. “I”m going to lift you over to the cots, okay?”

“I don’t care what you do just get this fucking thing out!” she yelled, shutting her eyes tightly. 

He scooped her up into his arms and sat her down, immediately searching through the bag for their makeshift first aid kit. He pulled out the set of pliers. “This is gonna hurt like hell,” he warned. 

“Fine! Now make like Nike, and just do it!”

He gripped the glass with the pliers and pulled. She just screamed. It took forever, what with how lodged into her foot it was, along with removing the extra little pieces and cleaning and dressing the wound. It was past one in the morning by the time they finished. Lila kept cracking jokes, trying to show him it was fine, but Five stayed quiet most of the night. They went to bed around 1:30, deciding to try and get some sleep before they traveled in the morning, though Five didn’t feel much like sleeping. 

Still, he drifted off eventually, sleeping peacefully to the sound of Lila’s breathing, proof she was still alive. 

Five stayed quiet the next few days. Lila thought she knew why. He felt bad about the whole ordeal. She tried to show him she didn’t care. He carried her everywhere until he found a new pair of shoes at the next stop, and even a little bit afterwards to keep her off her foot. He’d acted a little risky, shoplifting from a nicer shoe store. When they had rode the train that morning, Five sat a little farther away than usual, lost in his own world as he stared out the window and watched the colors of a timeline change. 

It wasn’t exactly that he felt bad about the failure, though he did. But yesterday he’d been faced with the possibility of losing her. Yeah, it had just been a piece of glass, but before that, a group of apocalypse survivors they hadn’t been prepared for. There’d been a gunshot. If she had tripped or made a noise or if anything happened in a way other than how it did, she could have died, and he would be alone again. 

He couldn’t imagine life without her. To think that just twenty-four hours ago they’d been harmlessly flirting, straying too close to something he didn't want to name, and now… He just chose to ignore it. The events of the day became another thing of the growing list of stuff they didn’t mention. 

He did appreciate the care she was giving him, though. She was trying hard to let him know she was fine. To show she didn’t blame him. And he believed her. That didn’t mean he didn’t blame himself, though. 

But he would get over it. Move on eventually. 

And he did. He got back into the rhythm. They laughed and joked again like nothing ever happened, and that was when Five realized something. 

He’d always been a selfish man. He grew up in a household where everything was everyone’s. Everything about his life was common knowledge. And then he’d lived forty-five years in a world where he didn’t have to share. The world was his, and while it was lonely, it was like something that he owned to himself. His own inner sanctum. 

Here, Lila was his. No one else’s. Not the family’s, not Grace’s, not the twins’, and certainly not Diego’s. He didn't even remember the last time she mentioned him. 

Was it so wrong that he wanted to stay? That his lust to survive had died a long time ago? That at this point, traveling was just another way to be close to her. To be with her? Maybe it was, but it wasn’t like there was anyone around them to judge. 

He knew it was temporary. He knew they’d leave eventually. There was no ignoring it. But for a moment, one of those days, he found himself wishing they could stay there forever, because at least then he’d have her all to himself. 

Two weeks passed before Five remembered the hair tie. He reached a hand in his pocket and felt the cool metal of the charm. 

He and Lila sat around a campfire, roasting the catch of the day. He’d gotten better at catching rabbits when they went topside, but every once and a while, when they hit a bad group of timelines, they’d have to go back to eating rats for dinner. 

She hummed a tune to herself and Five wanted to listen forever. Her voice was so beautiful. She was so beautiful. Sometimes it was hard to deal with. 

“Here,” he said, holding out the hair tie between his fingers. 

Her brow furrowed at the gift, taking it gently from his hand. “What’s this?” she asked, examining the item. 

“Found it,” he said simply. “At the wasteland. You’re always complaining about how your hair gets all messed up, so I figured… I don’t know. I kinda forgot about it until this morning.”

She smiled softly at the gift, holding it with both hands like it was a priceless artifact. “I love it,” she said, looking at him with a smile that could outshine the sun and all the stars. “It’s a daisy. My favorite flower.

He tilted his head. “Why’s that?”

She just kept looking at it like it was the most precious thing in the world. Five knew she outweighed it by a landslide. “Because they’re weeds,” she told him softly. “Yet somehow, everyone knows them as a flower.”

He nodded, more to himself than to her. “I like that reason.”

She looked up, reaching out and placing her palm over his hand. “Thank you. This was incredibly thoughtful.”

He shrugged, though his heart beamed at the praise. “I figured it was the least I could do.”

She immediately slipped it on her wrist, playing with the little charm. “You don’t want to try it out?” he asked curiously. 

She shook her head, still enamored with the trinket. “I think I’ll wear it like this a little longer.”

He just nodded and went back to tending the fire. She stared at it all night. 

Five started noticing a pattern for when she used the band. Sure, there was the regular, “the wind is blowing all my hair in my face and it’s annoying” way, but she also did it a few minutes before she started something. Some flirty comment or touch. Like she was waiting for something. The first and only time he’d asked about it, they were sitting next to each other, leaning against a station wall. She just shrugged and smirked at him. “Easier to tug,” she said with a wink. 

He’d said he disagreed. He reached his hand behind her, threading his fingers through the locks at the back of the skull, and tugged gently, angling her head toward him. He leaned in, lips close to her ear, as he whispered, “I think this method works a little better.”

She stopped wearing it up as much. 

By the end of year four, Five knew he had feelings for her. Or at least, he’d suspected. He didn’t know for how long or how deep, but he knew they were there. 

Every bit of banter was a dare on both their sides. They were tiptoeing around it, as always, challenging the other person to make the first move. Five knew Lila just saw it as a game, but for him, it was anything but. He knew she didn’t love him. He knew this was all so she could get back to her family. But with all the timelines they’d visited, they weren’t anywhere closer to the end. He let himself hope that maybe, with enough time, she could see him the same way. 

Year four passed with feelings and flirting. For Lila, it was just another year closer. For Five, it was the year he realized he was fucked. 

---

Year 5

Year five was when it happened. 

Of course it was year five. The same year as his name. His good luck charm. 

They passed the first half the same way they passed year four. Harmless flirting, but never quite crossing any lines. They sat separately on the train. They kept their thoughts to themselves. They tried to survive. 

Five knew that whatever happened between them had to be her choice. She was the married one. She was the one with the reason to search for a way home. She had to make the decision to cross the line. 

The first half of year five was a struggle. Lila’s optimism turned from genuine, to a coping mechanism. She was hanging on by a thread, and to make it all worse, she had to deal with feelings. 

But how could she not? When Five was there, laughing at her jokes and giving her those smirks that drove her crazy and touching her at her waist and her neck and anywhere he could reach. When he showed her she was worth caring about even without anything in return. That she could be loved in a way that wasn’t solely fueled by lust. 

She felt dirty thinking that way. Like it was a betrayal to everything she was meant to be. But what if she didn't want to be that way? Was that her fault? No. But as with most things, she couldn't help feeling that it was. 

It had been a long day. The longest of all days. They’d gotten stuck in a shootout with a gang when they went topside and wandered down the wrong street. And then they’d lost the subway entrance. Lila was tired. She ached. Five wasn’t much better off. And neither of them had the energy to pretend anymore. 

Five sat down on the train, eyes dull with exhaustion, and suddenly, she was there. Sitting right beside him. His brow furrowed, but she didn’t notice. She didn’t say anything to acknowledge the change. Just sat down. The train took off a moment later, and the moment after that, she leaned her head down on his shoulder and fell asleep. 

Two moments, and everything had changed. 

Five didn’t have the energy to freak out. To wonder what it meant for the both of them. He suspected she didn’t particularly care either. He leaned his head back and let himself be lulled to sleep by the sound of the train tracks and the feeling of her finally next to him. 

After that, they were inseparable. It had happened. She’d made the choice. And sure, it could have been fueled by exhaustion or distraction. Just wanting a bit of comfort after a long day. But they’d had long days, and exhaustion never made them break the rule before. 

Once she’d done it, she didn't stop. Every time those hydraulic doors slid open, Five sat down and Lila sat right beside him. They didn’t talk about it, but they knew what it meant. 

Lila had been scared. But she was so done. So over pretending. So pissed off at the fact that they were stuck and helpless and trapped. And she didn’t give a shit about anything. Not some unspoken rule, not some weird feelings she didn’t want stirring up, and certainly not anyone’s opinion. She just wanted to sit by her friend after a long day and for that to be that. Why couldn’t she have that without it meaning something? She was over it. And it seemed to her that Five was too. 

She always gave him the chance to leave. She waited five-ten minutes before doing anything. Gave him the opportunity to move across the car or ask her to sit somewhere else. But he never did. So she would lean on him. Or hold his hand. Or let their knees touch. She was so relieved. He never turned her away. Every time she took a risk and every time he let her. It was the only thing keeping her grounded. Stopping her from carrying the weight of the world on her shoulder. Nothing ever felt as heavy with Five. Sure, he was always the one urging them onward to stop the end of the world. He was the one who rallied the troops. He was the one to convince him they were in a dire situation. But with him, her problems disappeared. Because he did little things, like find a hair tie and give it to her. Like go along with her stupid jokes. Like let her lean on him when the day was long and her hope was gone and she just needed to recharge. 

He was more home than the one she was trying to get back to and it hurt her in the worst ways. It felt like a betrayal. She was always dealing with this misplaced sense of loyalty within her. But then Five pulled her close on the train, when she was the kind of tired that made your eyes feel like they were popping out of your skull. He didn't say anything when she kicked her legs up on the seat and leaned her head on his lap. He just ran his fingers through her hair in a way that made everything melt away. And for that little bit, she didn't care anymore. 

When she dreamed, she dreamed of him. They swayed in the middle of the train tracks, dancing to some slow instrumental that played like a romance movie. There weren't the harsh blue lights of the normal stops. It was warm and rosy, with fairy lights hanging all around them. Flowers bloomed in the cracks in the concrete. Red roses and white daisies. Her head leaned against his chest, content in comfortable silence. Then he spoke. 

“This is nice,” he said simply, thumb drawing circles at her waist. 

“It is,” she agreed. She heard his heart beating through his shirt. He was still in his dirty suit, jacket long abandoned and collar askew. Meanwhile, she wore a sparkly floor length dress, with golden straps and green fabric that complimented her skin. She’d never felt so pretty. 

“Lila…” he said, voice going low. 

She leaned back to look at his face. It was full of contradictions. Joy and sadness. Fear and boldness. But most of all, admiration. “Five?” she asked. 

“I want you,” he breathed. His voice was raspy, like it was hard for him to say. 

“Five—”

“And I don't want to pretend I don't anymore.” He released her waist and spun her down the tracks before pulling her impossibly close, chest to chest. “You're everything to me.”

“I know,” she whispered softly. Her hands moved from his shoulder to his chest, fingers playing with the top button. “I want you too.”

She slipped the button through the hole, going for the next one. And he let her, watching her movements with observant eyes, like he was mapping her every action.

She let her hands slip under the fabric. They wandered over his chest, down his sides, playing with the loops of his pants. 

“Then please,” he pleaded, like he was begging for his life. “Have me.”

She opened her mouth to respond, but a deafening clicking rattled the stop. She whipped around, eyes widening at the train barreling down the tracks. She turned back, grabbing his hand and getting ready to run. 

Five looked paralyzed, eyes caught on the train like a deer to headlights. He blinked and looked at her. “Lila—”

She woke up with a slight jolt, heart pudding in her chest. When she realized where she was, she immediately relaxed, relishing in the warm and fuzzy feeling. She had hands running through her hair and a blanket over her legs. But she wasn't in the same position she fell asleep in. 

Her arms were wrapped around his torso, face buried in his abdomen. She was at an awkward angle, but it wasn't unpleasant. She wanted to stay there forever. But then he noticed her awake. 

“Welcome back to the land of the living,” he said sarcastically, a small smile on his face. 

“I sure slept like the dead,” she muttered, eyes still closed, not willing to move. “Where are we?”

He made a little humming sound at her sleepy voice, tucking a strand of hair out of her face. “Still on the train. An express. You haven't been out that long, don't worry.” She hummed in response. He smiled to himself. “You moved over in your sleep, by the way. In case you were curious.” His brow furrowed and the corner of his lips turned downwards. “You kept saying my name and kicking around. Bad dream?”

She considered it for a moment. “I… I can't tell.”

He nodded in understanding. “I think we’re stopping soon. I'm almost positive we’ve taken this route before.”

She groaned and buried her head further into his side. “Of course.”

He just chuckled. When the train stopped, neither of them moved. It used to be that they couldn't get off fast enough. They had been constantly searching. Now they just wanted to take a break. 

“Guess it’s time to get moving,” Lila sighed, sitting up. She picked up the blanket and shoved it into the supply bag, but when she turned back, Five still hadn't moved. “Five? You alright?”

He turned his head side to side as if looking for something in the car. Then he stared at the open doors and sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Ready?”

She scoffed. “I am. Are you? Cause you don't seem it.”

He rolled his eyes and grabbed all their things, strolling out the door without a second thought. 

The day passed, and for the first time in who knows how long, Lila Pitts didn’t think about her family. 

She started helping him shave in the fourth year. Mirrors were hard to come by, and his hands were always shaking whether he was worried or not. He guessed it was some lasting trauma from being stuck in another endless time travel situation. He didn’t dwell on it. At least now he had Lila. 

It was never an intimate thing for him. Cutting his hair? Yes. Over 80% of their interactions? Yes. But shaving was just a necessity and neither of them particularly enjoyed it, so it passed in comfortable silence with a laugh or two here or there. 

Five went through phases during his time in the subway that usually depended on the long, analytical monologues he had in his head before he went to sleep. Every night he thought about his situation. For a couple weeks he would only think about Lila. About his feelings and his want to keep her to himself. For those weeks she was his motivation. A year or two ago it would have been his only motivation. 

But more recently, after a train of thought that had gone awry in the worst way, he started thinking about the family. About all he’d done to save them. About how they’d been his driving force in everything until the Hotel Oblivion. When they'd all accepted their death. Been ready to go. Now it just felt like they were waiting. Waiting to die.

But they hadn't. They'd lived. And then he got stuck here with her. And though they weren't everything anymore, he shouldn't have been acting like they were insignificant. Like him seeing them didn’t matter. He’d think about the prosthetics office with Klaus, or the farm with Viktor, or dancing at Luther’s wedding, and he’d feel this gnawing feeling in his gut. Guilt. He knew the feeling well. 

What was he doing? He loved Lila. That much was obvious. But would loving her in this secluded situation hold up once they got back to the real world? Fuck, he hoped so. But he knew, deep down, it wouldn’t. Why was he trying so hard for something that would never happen? Something that was bound to destroy him inside and out?

He slowed down on the flirting; It took up a lot more time than it needed to. Worked harder on covering more ground. Turned in early every night. 

Year five passed in nightmares and new things. It was such a daze, both of them had a hard time remembering the details. Just that they broke down the wall, only for it to rise again. Five was serious. He was done hiding. It was time to get back to the real world. 

---

Year 6

Year six was the year Five knew he’d remember forever. The year of heartbreak. The year of hope. The year of pain. 

Lila didn’t like the new Five. Hadn’t liked him since that day six months ago when he woke up and started moving, not stopping until they were both in dire need of rest. 

They still sat together, though less frequently. Five took the chance to move every once and a while, heading off to a corner where he could curl up and mutter to himself. Lila worried he was going crazy, but really she knew it was how he was dealing. Something had changed his mindset, and all she could do was be there while he rebuilt. 

It kind of hurt, though. It was unexpected. Unwelcome. She could ignore it when it was all shits and giggles, flirting and then moving on like it never happened at all. But then it stopped happening as much, and she realized how distressed it made her. All she wanted to do was… well, she wasn’t entirely sure. But she missed his playfulness and the comradery it came from. They were still in sync. Two sides of the same coin. Working in harmony and surviving the underground. But they laughed less. And they went back to year two. 

He was two feet away at all times, but he was trapped in his head, and that was the one place that she could never go. 

“Five,” Lila whispered one night.

“Yeah?” he asked. 

No answer. He rolled over but it looked like she was still asleep. Then he saw the shaking. 

She jerked once. Then twice. “No,” she muttered, her voice rough from sleep. “Grace. Eudora. Cal.”

He frowned. A nightmare. Had to be. 

“Please,” she pleaded. The sound of her voice broke his heart. 

He sat up and crawled over, sitting next to her. He ran a hand through her hair, trying to help sooth her in her sleep. He watched her shudder. He saw a small tear fall from her eyes. She sniffled a bit, and then her movement slowed. Her breathing went back to normal. He sighed, grateful it had worked. He was halfway back to his cot when he heard her again. 

“Wait.”

He turned around and saw her eyes on him. He must have woken her after all. “Hey,” he said softly. “Nightmare?”

She nodded, eyes closing as if she was reliving the scene from her dream. She shuddered and sniffed. She reached out to him. “Please. Stay.”

He looked down at her hand, reaching out and taking it without another thought. She lifted up the blanket and he slid in behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her close. “Thank you,” she whispered. 

He buried his face in her back and took a deep breath. She smiled like dirt and grime and everything that was right in the world. “Any time,” he replied hoarsely. 

She tangled her legs with his and pulled him closer. Five had never fallen asleep so quickly in his life.

They were back to normal. She didn’t mean for it to happen. Didn’t know what she did. But suddenly he was her Five again. 

They fell asleep together every night, sharing a cot. He always held her like his life depended on it. Like someone might take her while they were sleeping and he’d never see her again. It was a relief. She thought she’d lost that. The love that made her feel so deserving. Always making her feel like she was worth it, all of this trouble. 

It was a wonderful feeling, and she wondered how she’d ever lived without it. 

He felt dirty even thinking about it, but by now, the feeling was snuffed out by his desire to be with her. He was relapsing. Falling back into her and letting himself drown. They’d been stuck for six years. By the time they got out—if they got out—he would be nearing a hundred years old, and this time, there was no Commision to save them. 

“Care to guess how long we’ve been down here?”

His heart was pounding in his chest. 

“Long enough I’ve found my first grey hair,” she joked. She leaned close. “And it’s not on my head.”

He let out an awkward chuckle and looked down at his calendar. He took a deep breath. 

“Well, according to my calendar it’s been… six years, five months, two days.”

“Yeah, well.” She elbowed him playfully. “We’ll find a way home soon enough, right?”

He shrugged like it was nothing, but she saw something in his eyes. “If we don’t get stabbed, shot, or blown up the next time we go topside.”

Silence. 

“You know, in some of those timelines, we were lucky to get out alive.”

The adrenaline in their veins. The heavy breathing, the sore muscles, the fear of losing one another. 

“Yeah, well we’re still kicking,” she said in a sing-song way. “So we must be doing something right.”

Another deep breath. 

“Remember the timeline we found the other day? That had the greenhouse?”

“And the strawberries?” she grinned. He relaxed at her easy excitement. It was a taste of the old days. “What about it?”

Here we go, Five thought.

“Seemed pleasant enough. There were no feral hogs there. No secret police. I was thinking we could… maybe set up there for a stretch.”

Lila’s body froze. 

“So you’re giving up?”

Yes. 

“No one said give up, but… It’s been almost seven years, Lila. We deserve a break. You know, a bed. A shower.”

I want you. Just you.

“I would strangle a kitten for a hot bath,” she said desperately. She paused, thinking for a moment. “Just a few days okay? This does not mean that we’re… giving up.” She knew it was just to convince herself. 

“No.”

I need you. Say yes. Say you'll stay.

She looked down at their dinner. “Yeah. Okay.”

They left the next morning. 

It wasn’t a few days. 

They stayed. They cleaned up. They made the greenhouse their home. 

Now it’s real, Five thought. Now it’s something. 

This time it was a choice. They chose to stay where they were. To live a good life, rather than run themselves ragged for a home they may never find. All was well.

And then he kissed her. 

And it was the most beautiful thing in the world. 

It was like life. He was breathing it into his lungs, letting it take over his body. He couldn’t drown in her anymore. Not when he felt like he was flying. 

The kiss was light and soft, like the clouds he wanted to fly through. A little sweetness was something they needed in their lives. It couldn’t be all adrenaline and fighting and desperation all the time. This place, this situation, this kiss: it was a respite. An out. 

She had told him not to be weird. But if this was weird, he didn’t want to be normal. He just wanted her to be his. Forever. And here, she could be.

They grew their strawberries, tended their plants, and in their yard, they always let the daisies grow. 

He was sweet in a relationship.

She’d never liked bracelets before, aside from the one she stole from Diego in 1963. But that had been more of a token. A piece of the only guy who’d ever shown her real interest that she could take wherever she went. It hadn’t been a gift, it had been her own damn choice. 

Diego had been the only one to try to give her one as a gift, and from him it always felt like a shackle. Something to tie her to him. Bind her and restrict her. But from Five, it wasn't something stifling. Here it was, this scrap metal bracelet. Proof that she was worth it. Worth loving. Worth trying for. Worth all the things she’d drilled into herself that she didn't deserve. When she put it on, she didn't feel tied down, she felt free. 

She couldn't stop herself. They were long past trying to stop themselves by now, so she guessed it didn't matter, but still. She kissed him. 

He was always so soft with her. So kind in a way she’d never seen from him. It made her feel proud. Arrogant, even. That she got to see this side of Five that no one else had seen. The tenderness. The way he threw himself into it without holding back. Gave her his whole heart. It sent tingles down her spine and butterflies taking flight in her stomach. 

This side of Five was her and hers alone. Not the Handler’s, not Diego’s, not the Hargreeves’. Hers. 

She stood in the kitchen one night, making dinner. It wasn’t anything fancy. Just something Five had caught with a little extra seasoning thrown in. But she was getting good at cooking. It was one of her greatest achievements. That, and her strawberry shortcake. It was one of the best things she’d ever tasted. Five and Lila had spent an entire day trying to figure out the perfect recipe. They’d laughed and played around and covered eachother in flour and kissed eachother up against the counters. It was a perfect day. It definitely resulted in more shortcake than they could eat, but it was worth it in the end. 

She sprinkled a little salt on top of the food, humming to herself and swaying to a song she hadn’t heard in six years. Almost seven, she thought. She smiled to herself. They’d been at the greenhouse for almost eight months now. The perfect oasis. 

She felt arms wrap themselves around her waist, pulling her back against someone’s chest. His head rested on her shoulder. “Hard at work?” he asked, placing a soft kiss on the side of her neck. 

“More average,” she asknswered, tilting her head at her creation. “Flexible, even. Soft? I don’t know. What’s the opposite of hard?” She watched his eyebrow raise and she laughed. “Don’t be weird,” she joked, shoving him in the shoulder and pushing him away. 

He just pulled her closer, this time with them facing eachother. “I thought you like it when I’m weird,” he teased. 

“I do,” she agreed. “Really helps my superiority complex.”

He just rolled his eyes and pulled her into his arms, swinging her around the kitchen. Her laugh echoed through the house. It was a sound he never wanted to stop hearing. 

“How’s this for weird?” he asked her. 

“Oh, shush.”

He set her down gently, supporting her as she caught her footing. She looked into his eyes and saw a happiness there that only came out when she was around. “You’re so perfect,” he whispered. His breath smelled like mint. 

“Right back attcha,” she giggled, holding his face in her hands. She steeled her expression for a moment, staring him in the eye. “Can I tell you something really embarassing?” she asked. 

He raised an eyebrow. “Anything.”

“I really want to kiss you,” she admitted. 

“The feeling is mutual.”

“Good,” she grinned. 

Her body relaxed when she felt his lips on hers. She needed this. It was the perfect domestic moment. One of many times they could be soft with each other the way they deserved to be. Every hour of every day was theirs to be soft. She’d been wrong all those years ago when she told him he wasn’t cut out for this life. Maybe that was just hope. But now that it was her he was sharing it with, she knew she had been mistaken. Because Five Hargreeves was perfect. He was attentive and kind. Respectful and smart. Silly and lovable. 

“I love you.”

He froze when she said it, like it caught him off guard. It caught her off guard too. She ddint mean to say it, it just slipped out. But it was the truth. At least as far as she could tell. 

A second later, Five kissed her again, this time with a hunger she hand’t felt before. It was different, but nice. More than nice. It made a heat flare in her stomach. 

When she said those words, Five wondered if he was dreaming. But then, discreetly, he pinched himself, and no, in fact, he wasn’t, and Lila Pitts really did just say ‘I love you’ to him.

And he didn’t respond. He just kissed her. Tried to show her he felt the same way because he was afraid to say it back. Still, despite her doing it already, he felt like it would ruin it. Make her take it back or scare her off. Prove this wasn’t real. 

It still felt that way. Fake. He knew she only said it because they were alone. She resigned herself to a life with him, not that he thought she had a problem with it. But despite all that, it didn’t make it any less mind-shattering. He just knew he couldn’t be that vulnerable. He was all in. But her? He wasn’t quite sure. 

So instead he simplified it. Kissed her. He didn’t care if she didn’t really love him or still wanted to go home or anything. She’d told him she was his. And that was all he needed. 

"How hungry are you?" Lila asked quietly. 

His brow furrowed. "Not very. Why?"

She just gave him a small smile. "Dinner can wait, yeah? Just for a little bit?"

He raised an eyebrow. "What would you rather do, then?"

She turned off the stove and moved the pan to the counter before reaching out and grabbing his hand. He thought about the Hotel Obsidian when she dragged him in the boiler room. Their first time in the subway together when she dragged him on the train. She was always pulling him along. 

She led him into the bedroom. It had started out as hers, but didn't stay that way for long. His clothes were in the drawers. His shoes in the closet. His pillow on the bed. 

She sat down, bouncing a little and running her hand over the comforter. "You coming?"

His heart raced. It wasn't the first time they'd done this, but every time still felt like a dream. 

"Yeah," he said, voice hoarse. 

He reached back and closed the door. 

Five loved the greenhouse. They were in paradise. When they got dressed, it wasn’t in rags. When they fell asleep together, it was on an actual bed. When they ate food, they cooked it on the stove, and it was never rat meat. It was perfect. 

But then he had to go and find that damn journal. 

He kept it a secret. It gnawed at him. Ate him alive from the inside. He wanted to claw his heart out, lying to Lila. But he was scared. More scared than he’d ever been. That she’d up and leave. Ignore everything they’d been together. Everything they were.

If you love someone, let them go.

That wasn’t true. If you love someone you fight for them. You hold on as long as you can and you never give up. Without her, he couldn’t live. He loved her. More than he’d loved anything before. More than Delores, more than his family, more than coffee. 

But it wasn’t real. It was her giving up. She was settling. Did she really love him, or was it just because he was there?

He tried to ignore it but the question kept popping up in his mind. He got paranoid. Every time he kissed her, touched her, spoke to her, it came up in his mind. Until it became too much. Until she’d given him that stupid gift with a stupid, proud smile on her face. 

He told her about the notebook. 

She yelled. She screamed. And she packed her things. It broke Five’s heart into a million pieces. 

He was trying. Trying to say all the things he thought in his head aloud but they wouldn’t come out. He didn’t want to leave himself bare anymore while she tiptoed around it. And that's it. That's all they've ever been. Holding back and tiptoeing soas not to hurt the other person. They came to a perfect utopia where they could forget about reality. And it worked. Because that was the goal the whole time. To forget. To leave it behind. 

No honesty. No talking about their feelings. It was always just… implied. Always brushed over. That’s not what you do in a relationship that you think will last. They were doomed from the start. 

So he tried to be honest. Tried to tell her the depth of his feelings. And every time she shut him down.

He forced himself to say the words. Ripped the lock from the box over his heart and let the contents overflow. He wrote ballads with his voice, love notes with his eyes. He succumbed to the fire of her, willing himself to burn as long as it made her stay.

But that’s not how they worked. 

And she had a twisted sense of loyalty. It was one of the things he admired about her. But he hated it now. 

“Stay if you want. I’m going home.”

And he knew he lost her. 

The train ride back was tense. 

Worse than tense. It was heartbreaking. 

Because when they got on, they sat together out of habit. Because she was two inches away and he couldn't reach out to her. Because every couple minutes, one of them would forget that they were mad, that they were going home, that it was over, and try to talk. And the force that hit when they remembered was destroying him. 

She had anger in her heart for the first time in years. Five had taken it all away for a while. Made her happy. Helped her through. Found her a forgotten paradise for them to run off to. 

But now life was shit. Because she was mad at everything. Mad at the Hargreeves for ruining her life. Mad at Diego for making her want to come back to him. Mad at the kids and her family for tying her down. Mad at Five for hiding the notebook. Mad at the world for being such a fucking shitty place to live. 

She wanted to yell and cry and scream but she couldn't. She had to go over it in her head. What would she tell Diego? Was Five right all those years ago? That it would only be a couple hours once they returned? She suddenly wondered if he had only said that to keep her moving. If he had also wondered if they would return at all. 

He’d given her hope. Now everything she’d gained from him felt like a lie. 

“I’m sorry,” Five said when they started climbing the stairs out of the subway. 

Lila stopped, but she didn't turn around. 

She was almost at the top. The first one to leap off the train the moment it stopped. 

“I don't forgive you,” she snapped, clenching her fists. 

“What would you have done?” Five asked earnestly. “If you had found it?”

She thought about it and hesitated. What would she have done? Five had made it so easy. Easy to become a target for her anger. He’d lied and that made her choice for her. But if she had been there first that day? Would she have gotten excited? Leaped at the chance to tell Five before remembering what it meant? Would she have told him anyway? Or hidden it off in some corner of the house? Would she feel guilty? Or, even worse, would she not care at all? 

She understood Five’s dilemma. She understood his side of the story. But dammit, that didn't mean she had to forgive him. She didn't— she didn't want to. She needed… 

Lila let out a sigh and turned around. “I don't know. I don't know, Five. And maybe if you had just told me right then, then…” She looked down at shame, watching his eyes widen with understanding. “I don't know what would have happened.” She felt the prick of tears, but steeled herself. She looked him straight in the eyes. “But this happened. And I need to get back to my family now. Please. Let me do that.”

Five stared back, and she watched his heart break, the shatters of his ricocheting and hitting her own. She felt a pain in her chest, but she pushed it down. 

He just nodded and started back up the stairs. She stood and watched him. He passed her, head down, eyes avoiding hers. “Let’s get you home,” he said softly. 

---

Year 7

…

…

Year 1

Year 7 Away turned into Year 1 Back. They were seven years older. Seven years wiser. Seven years more traumatized than before. 

They stood on the sidewalk outside. They'd taken a bus from near the station. It was a quiet ride. Lila couldn't stop fidgeting. Anxiety had burrowed down deep in her stomach. What if it had changed. What if it was six years later. What if, what if, what if…

She grabbed onto his arm, needing something to steady her. It brought a warm feeling in her chest. A side of regret. 

He stopped, letting her catch her breath. He didn't make a move. Didn't look at her with those lost eyes. Was just there for her. She was grateful. 

She linked her arm through his. He put a hand over hers. And they walked up the walkway. 

“Looks normal. It’s possible they solved the Cleanse without us,” Five said, making conversation and trying to get her mind off her anxiety. Lila frowned. He was too good at reading her. 

She let her arm fall. He just sighed and looked at her. She felt his eyes scanning her every feature. 

“You good?” he asked, face full of concern. She wanted to punch it. Get it away. Make it stop making her feel things. 

“It’s been seven years since I've seen my kids, Five,” Lila muttered, staring at the door like it was a monster. “I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of?” he asked her. She kept avoiding his eyes. They wouldn't leave her. 

“That they won't love me like they did before?” she answered, finally turning to look at him. 

It was a genuine answer. But it felt like more. Aimed at him as well. Would he love her like he has before if she went through the door?

He took a step forward, hand landing on her back in comfort. They were inches apart. She wanted to kiss him. To go back to the way it was before. To go back before she had gotten mad and stormed off and ruined a perfectly good thing. 

But she didn't. 

His voice was so soft. It reminded her of late night conversations. Tracing shapes on bare skin. Of softness she hadn't felt before. Patience when she needed it most. Of all the feelings he’s made her feel for the first time. 

“Hey,” he said to her. “It’s only been a few hours for them. Nothing's…” He paused and looked down. “...Changed.”

It was a double reassurance. For her kids, and for him. He still loved her. Was still on her side. Was still here for her, whether she wanted him or not. 

“You promise?” she asked, voice cracking. 

“Yeah,” he said, eyes falling to her lips. “Promise.”

They heard the door lock unclick. 

Five pulled away before she could say anything and she felt the loss. She wanted him back. Then the door opened. 

Five Hargreeves had never hated his brother before now. 

In the tunnels, it had been an impossible situation. His only focus was getting back, and eventually, getting Lila back. He’d given no thought to what would happen when they actually returned. He’d already kicked himself a million times over for that. 

Diego wasn’t a bad guy. He was actually kind of nice in a… stupid kind of way. But seeing him with Lila made him itch for a trigger. It made him forget all the good times. Growing up together, saving the world together, sharing all their trauma. At that moment, Diego was just another target. Another face in the crowd standing in between him and everything he wanted. 

Maybe killing him was a strong reaction. No, what he wanted to do was grab Lila and blink them back to the subway. Take her on a train and not care where they ended up. He didn't care if it was a greenhouse or a wasteland. He’d do anything if it meant he could stay with her. 

Diego had his hands all over her. He’d been enlightened. Realized what she meant to him and figured it was about time he showed it. Five just wished he hadn’t come to this realization now. 

Didn’t he know she’d been his? Kissed his lips? Bared the depths of her soul to him? He’d been there for her when Diego was off playing CIA. He’d saved her life. Kept her sane. They were the same. She was his, and he was hers, and he wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but most importantly, he wanted to shout it in Diego’s face. 

He couldn't get over the victory he felt when he saw how uncomfortable she looked. Sharing glances with him over Diego’s back. But it disappeared as soon as she saw her kids. 

She fell to her knees and pulled them into hugs. He shoved down all his jealousy and hurt and just smiled. Because this was it. This was the goal. Get her back to her family. Make her happy. Do it for her. 

He felt awkward. Like he didn't belong. And he didn't. This was Lila and Diego’s life. He had no place here. 

Klaus, Allison and Claire came in after them. They took off their shoes and went inside. Lila’s smile when she saw all of them made everything worth it. 

Diego welcomed him in and he wanted to tell him the truth. Where’d they’d been. What they'd been doing. He didn't. He just nodded when he was told to take off his shoes. 

They sat down for some family bonding. Some stupid ballet show on TV. Diego’s stupid hands all over her. Kissing her cheek and playing with her hair. Whatever, Five thought. It doesn't matter. 

But he couldn't keep his eyes off her. 

Then Luther started in. Him and Diego bragging over taking down Ribbons, his boss. Their smug faces he just wanted to slap off. 

Then Luther had the audacity to ask why he was so quiet. And he needed an outlet for his emotions, so…

“It’s called thinking, Luther, you should try it sometime.”

And apparently that was too much. And they didn't want to argue. Too bad. 

“No, y'know what, let’s do this right now,” Five said, standing up. “We all struck out! Nothing better to do.”

“Five,” Lila said, picking up on his irritation. The only one in the room who knew why he was angry. And she couldn't say a thing about it. “It's going to be okay.”

“No!” he exclaimed. “Y'know what? It’s not gonna be okay.”

He was sick of it. Sick of things being okay. Sick of telling each other lies and ending up broken apart again. He didn't need another stupid obstacle. 

And Diego was an obstacle. 

He stood up, all macho-like. “Dude,” Diego said, in that fake friendly tone. “Don't talk to my wife like that. Not around here. Not at Christmas.”

“You gonna do something about it, fuck-face?”

He was reaching now. Going beyond his normal snipping. He was itching for a fight and Diego handed him the chance on a silver platter. 

“Yeah!” Diego exclaimed, sizing him up. “I’m gonna k-i-c-k your a-s-s.”

Nice, Five thought. Very grown up.

“Looks like somebody passed the first grade.”

Then Lila intervened. 

And it went to shit. 

She pushed them apart. “What’s that?” Diego asked, eyes on her wrist. 

Five looked around, willing it to stop. For the subject to change. To not be the fault of exposing their secret. 

“What’s what?” Lila asked, subtly trying to hide it. 

He lifted her arm, staring at the scrap metal bracelet. “That thing on your wrist. You hate bracelets,” Diego pointed out, examining the gift. 

Five hadn’t known that. But it made the joy she felt when he gave it to her even sweeter. 

“No, I don't,” she denied. 

It was no use. Something was starting. 

“Yes you do,” Diego laughed. “I gave you one for Valentine's Day and you traded it in for a Dyson vacuum.”

Lila and Five exchanged a look. She looked down, but he couldn't stop staring. He didn't know what else to do. 

Diego noticed. He looked between them awkwardly. “Did you give her this bracelet?” He didn't answer. Lila’s eyes begged him not to. Then Diego stepped forward. “Answer the question, Five.”

And he wanted to fight. So he did. 

“I made it,” he said arrogantly. 

“For her?” Diego asked. 

Five snorted and looked down. “Well it sure as hell wasn't for you.”

Diego looked back at Lila. Then back at Five. “Is there something going on between you two?”

Yes, Five wanted to scream. Everything. Something more special than anything you'd ever had. 

Neither of them answered. Lila was ashamed and Five just didn't want to give him the satisfaction. 

She sighed and looked up at him. “Diego—”

“Holy shit,” he interrupted, walking away. 

Comments flew from the peanut gallery on the couch. Five looked at her in shock. He expected her to deny it. This was so much worse. 

She tried to console him about it. Explain it. He wasn't having any of it. He just stared at Five, who was having his own crisis. 

“Did you s-k-r-e-w my wife?”

Yes, Five thought defiantly. Suck on that, bastard.

But he respected Lila too much to answer. If she wanted to tell Diego, she could. He wasn’t going to make matters worse. And besides, that was between him and Lila. It was theirs. Their life together. Let them wonder, because as far as he was concerned, the good lord himself could kiss his ass before he shared his life with her with anyone. No one got to know all the things he knew about her. No one but him. 

Then the kid chimed in. And he has never been more grateful. 

He almost blinked away when she started talking. Explaining away seven years of care as some sort of accident. He kept waiting for confirmation. Anything to prove that what they'd had was real and not some out-of-reality fluke. But it never came. 

“Do you love him?”

Five’s eyes drilled into the back of her head. He needed an answer. Needed something to know this wasn't all for nothing. That his feelings had been reciprocated at one point in time. 

Then the kid spoke up. This one he wasn't so happy about hearing from. 

Because then they were up and moving. Heading off to another world ending scenario with no time to talk or slow down to do anything. 

They found Ben. He was too far gone. And when Lila took Diego’s side, he went back to the subway. And he met himself. A lot of himself. And he knew what he had to do. 

So he went back. And he ignored all the feelings he felt in favor of the greater good. 

He tried to convince her to stay. That their deaths were the only way to save the world. But by now she didn't care. About him, about Diego, about their shitty situation. She wanted to forget again. She wanted to be with her family. 

And when she stepped out of the car for him, he felt ashamed. Because he led her to it. He stopped her from the happiness of being at home. 

If only he never let her drag him. If only he had a bit of back bone and let himself say no to her in the first place. Or, if only he’d burned the book when he found it. If only they'd made Ben stay with them or prepared for the ambush from Gene and Jean or dumped the marigold down the drain. So many things they could have done and never did. And because they didn't, Lila was sobbing in his arms. And all he could do was hold her. 

They stood hand in hand. Yelling across the roaring of worlds being destroyed. Making the best of their final moment. Five felt warm. Like maybe this was what he was meant for. Maybe this was what their saga was leading to all along. The Umbrella Academy. Erased from history forever. 

Year seven was quick. Barely more than a few hours. It was the end. The end of something great. 

They were daisies in the garden. And some well meaning gardener finally decided to pick them.