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Chapter Text

James Potter is fine. Seriously, he's not crying in the bathroom right now, he's just... well he doesn't have an excuse for that. But he's at least strategic enough to cast silencing spells and lock the door before someone could ever find him and ask the dreaded, 'are you okay?'

And genuinely, he is fine. There was just so much going on at once and he's unfortunately just very quick to tears. He suddenly noticed how often Sirius touched his hair, and he could see it in the corner of his eyes at dinner. Peter chews with his mouth open, and very loudly, he might add. And Remus has got a slight cold at the moment and is sniffling every second.

But it's fine. Totally fine.

He wipes the tears from his face, practices a handful of smiles in the mirror, and steps back out of the bathroom to return to dinner. He manages to sit through more of the meal, making jokes and brushing off the occasional tears that were begging to escape his eyes.

"... James? James?" He drifts out of his thoughts to Remus calling his name from the his seat across the table.

"You alright, mate?" Sirius questions shaking his shoulder. They both shared a look of concern and pity. And James hated it. And for a moment, he wants to say yes. He wants to push everything off the dining table, punch a hole in the wall, and say 'NO'. No, James Potter is not okay. But that's not socially acceptable from someone like him, so he just shrugs and tries to smile.

"Of course, Padfoot. I was just thinking about Professor Lambert's new class."

"The essay writing one? Why would you guys even take that?" Peter asked.

"Because writing's easy and it's good to get some muggle classes on your schedule as well." Sirius replied. "Why are you thinking about it now? We haven't even had the class yet."

"Not sure, it's fine." James mumbled back.

"Well anyways, I was just going to ask if any of you lot are ready to go to the dorm, I'm absolutely beat." Remus continued.

"Yeah, let's go now." James said, itching to get out of the loud, busy dining hall.

"Maybe in ten? I want to finish eating first." Peter suggested. Sirius nodded in agreement with a mouthful of chicken.

"Yeah, James you haven't eaten much tonight." Remus noticed. James looked down, his plate practically full. He couldn't imagine eating anything, he was so nauseous with an unknown source of anxiety.

"Neither have you!" James fired back, pointing to the same amount of food eaten from his plate. Remus opened his mouth to reply, but eventually didn't for a moment.

"Let's go, you guys meet us." Remus said, standing up.

James began to climb the stairs to their dorm, not turning around. He wouldn't dare show that James was finally allowing the hot silent tears to run down his face. He got into his bed instantly, closing the curtains without a second glance. He casted a silencing spell and allowed himself to cry freely.

-

The morning came and James stared up at the ceiling. He felt as if he couldn't move, as if all of the life was sucked out of him. He felt like shit.

"James? Time for class, we got to get up." Remus called from somewhere in the room. James took multiple breaths before forcing himself to sit up. He felt like collapsing back down under his covers and balling like a baby, but instead he pulled the curtains back and stood.

"Do you feel okay?" Peter asked immediately.

"Yeah your eyes are all red and you're kinda pale."

James sniffled, crying all night had certainly made his nose blocked as well. "Think I've caught a cold or something. It's alright, though."

"You could visit Pomfrey on the way to class if you want?" Sirius suggested. James thought for a moment. He almost wanted to straight up tell Pomfrey he's been feeling anxious and sad for the last fifteen years, but he could never do such a thing. She would tell his parents, his lovely, happy, married parents. They would be so worried and wonder what they could've done for him to not end up a failure, and he didn't have a reason. He shouldn't feel this way, not with such a good life.

"... Yeah, I think I will. But you guys can go on, I should only be a minute."

James entered the hospital wing after finally managing to push his friends off so he could talk to her more freely. he feared she would somehow be able to tell that this was a mental problem and not a physical one, and he couldn't risk anyone being around for that.

"Hello dear, what's the matter today?"

"Um, nothing really... Just a bit of a cold and- n-nevermind."

"It's okay darling, tell me what else."

James opened his mouth to finally admit what he's never once said aloud but his eyes started to well up before he could even start speaking. He wasn't sure why, he didn't even have a reason to be feeling this way in the first place.

"Come, sit." Pomfrey led him to the back of the wing and he sat down on the gurney, eyes glued to the floor. "Take your time, baby."

James drew out a breath. "I'm just so- so... anxious I think? And m-maybe depressed? But I don't know probably not-"

"Let me get something for you," She left for a moment and rummaged through a few cupboards. She returned with an orange bottle of pills. "Come to my office every morning and night for a moment, take one of these, it'll help. But a better solution for this would be to talk about it. I'll give you the choice on if you want it to be me, your parents, or your friends."

"Um, I-I don't think-"

"If you really won't talk to anyone then I suppose you can use... this." Pomfrey pulled a small black notebook out from a drawer of her desk. "Write everything you won't say, only you will look at it. Please use it, you'll feel better."

James stared at the book in his hands, deciding that there's no way in hell he'd use such a method. He couldn't even believe he came clean about it.

He walked slowly to his next class, not bothering to have any sense of urgency on arriving to his new class. James loved to write, he's been writing little stories and jotting things down all of the time since he was a child. He didn't tell anyone that, of course.

James stood in the doorway for a moment, practically begging that pill he took to kick in.

"Welcome, where were you sir?" Professor Lambert asked upon seeing him.

"Sorry Professor, I was in the hospital wing." James started, waving his scroll signed by Pomfrey. "Name's James Potter,"

"Ah, okay. So it seems now we are just missing Regulus." Sirius instantly tensed up at the mentioning of his brother's name. His brother who he hadn't seen in over six months, aside from the occasional glare across the dining hall. They had lucked out with no classes together, until now.

"He's ill," Regulus' friend, Evan, replied.

-

"Hey Reg, we're back." Barty called as he entered the dorm. He slowly drew the curtains to Regulus' bed, seeing nothing but a strange lump under the duvet.

"Do you want to... talk about anything?" Evan asked carefully. Regulus didn't move, but he mumbled something along the lines of 'no'.

The following morning he didn't get up either. Or that afternoon. Or that night. And now, his friends were extremely concerned.

"Talk to us, mate. Or to Pomfrey? We want to help you." Barty suggested. Regulus finally showed himself from under his covers. He was aware of how awful he looked, and typically he cared about anyone seeing him vulnerable, but it was so fucking hard to care about anything anymore. "Hey, why don't we get Sirius? He used to always help you."

It was an innocent suggestion. Neither of his friends were made known that they weren't talking anymore. Of course they'd heard his insane escape from everyone and their mothers around the castle since the summer, but they didn't know it would cause them to stop talking. They'd had some crazy ups and downs in the past and got it together regardless.

"...Fine." Regulus had to admit, although all he wanted to do was suffocate in his own sadness, being pressured for long enough did make him cave. He did need to pull it together.

It still took more than he'd like to confess to get him to stand in Pomfrey's office. Finally, he stepped forward.

"Hello, Regulus. Is there something I can help you with?" She smiled innocently and he forced himself to not turn away from her.

His parents had always warned him to never go to there hospital wing. That he would never be 'sick enough' to need it. She's also mugglenorn so they couldn't have him be seen with her. But it was this or jump off the astronomy tower and the astronomy tower has a charm on it that doesn't allow you to jump off.

Not that he would know that.

Except he does.

First hand.

"Possibly ..." He mumbled in response to her question.

"Well, lets see. What is it exactly that's hurting?"

"Nothing I suppose,"

"It's okay, just tell me what's going on. I'm sure I can find something for you." Her comforting eyes gave a Regulus a sense that she probably caught on to what he was hinting at.

"I'm depressed."

"Really? How long have you felt that?"

"Like fifteen years?"

"Oh, dear. Is there anything you would like to talk to me about? Or I have another method that has been used recently." She smiled carefully at him, and Regulus used everything in him to not collapse into her arms, tell her anything that has ever gone wrong in his life, and beg her to fix it. But he knows that's not right, and he can't even trust her anyways. Pomfrey most likely took his lack of answer as choosing the latter and pulled a small black notebook from her desk drawer.

-

James spent his days in classes, faking his smiles as per usual, and his evenings feverishly scribbling away about everything that could form a thought in his head. Most of the time, he felt he could never find any words that could describe how he felt, but the second his quill hit the book, there were pages and pages describing his troubles.

Everyone assumed he was taking notes and nobody cared enough to clarify what exactly that class was.

He entered Professor Lambert's writing class, sitting down beside Remus and Sirius. The difference today was that Regulus started attending the class for the first time. This was a struggle for both James and Sirius. Sirius most likely knew that Regulus hadn't come the past few days because of a depressive episode, but couldn't bring himself to care.

"Come on, Sirius. You are not dropping the class because you don't want to see your brother." Remus said.

"But I just can't stand to see him. Every time I look at him, I get so angry. He could've come, he should've come." Sirius rambled from behind his arms, which were holding his head up.

James didn't say anything for a moment, partially because he had nothing to add, he knew this whole story by heart, and partially because he couldn't stand to pretend to be mad at Regulus as well. He remembered when Sirius couldn't leave, it was the same for Regulus. But Sirius didn't recognize that, and James couldn't mention that. He had to stay on his best friend's side.

"It'll be okay, if anything he should be more ashamed to see you than you are to him." he finally added. Sirius nodded and gave him a light slap on the back.

"Class, this week's assignment is an essay about forgiveness. You must think of someone you had to forgive, what they did, and how you got over it. Three scrolls of parchment by next Monday." Professor Lambert explained.

Everyone instantly started to work, but James continued to stare forward. 'Who the hell was he supposed to write about?'

Chapter Text

Writing helped, it did.

But there were times when James couldn't run from his problems any longer, or write them out.

Especially during those moments when he had nothing to occupy his mind with. James was very good at finding things that kept him from being alone with his thoughts, so when he spent a full class period trying to think of someone he had to forgive, he just couldn't handle it.

He does well in school, has a roof over his head, married parents, and good friends. There is absolutely nothing to complain about. So why is he so messed up in the head?

There must be something wrong with him, like a birth defect. He shouldn't feel this way, but he couldn't turn it off.

And the more he tried to get it to stop, the worse it got.

And suddenly, he was alone in the hall outside of the common room, unable to move.

His heart was pounding, and he couldn't breathe. 'why couldn't he breathe?' Everything seemed to be going on aggressively at once.

Somehow, James could tell that he wasn't physically ill, it was something in his head. The term 'panic attack' floated around in his mind, but it didn't mean that he understood what it was or how to calm down. And that made it even harder to stop. He couldn't tell his friends, they wouldn't know what to do, and he certainly couldn't give them something else to worry about. So he started walking aimlessly.

-

Regulus sat in his dorm, staring at the wall. It had begun as him trying to find a topic for his essay, but now he was staring without a single thought.

So finally, he got up from his position of bed rotting to go to his favorite place.

The astronomy tower.

Regulus goes there practically every night, always alone. He figured that no one else knew about it and he'd never heard anyone mention it before.

So naturally he was shocked to collide with someone as he reached the top of the tower stairs.

“Can you watch where you’re going? Why are you even-” Regulus began angrily until he finally looked up at who he’d bumped into.

James.

James fucking Potter.

However, instead of apologizing or laughing it off, as he typically would, he just stared at Regulus like a deer in headlights. At first, Regulus was so angry, this was the boy who took his brother, and he was so selfish and idiotic. But he seemed different today.

He had been pacing the tower, tear tracks on his face, taking in heaving breaths that Regulus knew hurt.

“S-so-” James began, unwanted gasps cutting him off after every attempt to speak.

Regulus felt his face go red.

He wasn’t typically so quick to a physical reaction, but Regulus felt James' breathing like a hitch in his own throat.

He recalled all of the times back home when that was him. Sirius had been there, Sirius was always there. he knew some sort of trick to stopping them, he reckons was picked up by his own countless experiences. However, Regulus has been on his own the last few times. He couldn’t quite grasp how to teach himself the trick.

“James… breathe in your nose, out your mouth.” Regulus began, but James was still pacing, breath coming out as pained grunts. “Okay, sit down for me.” James managed to pull himself onto the wall, making eye contact with Regulus, eyes silently begging for help.

Regulus knew he would never ask for it out loud. They were similar in that way.

Regulus attempted the several counts of eight, applying them to his breathing so James could just mirror it, but it didn't stop.

He tried again, but nothing changed.

Hearing the awful hyperventilation pushed Regulus farther away from current reality, he could feel the memories of Grimmauld Place coming back to him.

' Every time he got cursed, the feeling like he was dying sent panic through his head.

Every time hearing he was good for nothing and will never amount to anything.

Every time hearing his mother threaten to kill Sirius. '

He started to feel the familiar change in his breathing, when someone appeared, snapping him out of it.

Remus.

Remus watched for a moment, then began.

“How long has he been like this?”

“Before I got here a minute ago.” Regulus forced out before sitting atop the wall as well.

Remus started speaking to James but Regulus couldn’t bring himself to listen.

Then, Sirius came. Regulus knew he would be coming soon, he was never out of a ten-foot radius of James. He paused with utter confusion at seeing Regulus as well as seeing his brother like this.

For some reason, Regulus assumed that Sirius knew James had panic attacks. He figured that James must tell everyone everything. What he didn't guess, is that James of all people would be the one to be going through this.

“Did you show him the breathing thing?” Was the first thing Sirius said to him. The first thing in months.

“Yes, twice.” Sirius opened his mouth to reply, with a very sour expression but stopped himself from seeing James again.

“Prongs? Can you match my breathing?” James managed to feverishly shake his head. “Can you try?”

Sirius spoke a series of counts, the same way that Regulus had, but it was clear James was trying.

And finally, it relaxed.

Sirius turned back to Regulus before speaking, “You sat there and watched?”

“I tried... it didn’t work.”

“Then you try again. It’s taken you twenty rounds of that before.” Regulus grimaced at Sirius’ mentioning of his own.

“Stop, m’fine.” James sniffled, shame creeping onto his face, causing Sirius to silence.

For a moment no one said anything.

Remus and Sirius were thinking about what to say to James, while James was thinking of how to respond.

Sirius opened his mouth, but James cut him off instantly.

“Whatever you have to say, don’t. It’s fine, I’m sorry you saw it, but it’s fine.”

“James, you don’t have to do this. we want to help you.” Remus began, James was shaking his head. “We can fix anything that happened to you.”

“No you can’t.” James replied lifelessly.

"Yes we can. All you have to do is tell us what that is.” Sirius defended.

“You can’t fix me.”

James finally looked up at them. They were silent and James was right. They couldn’t fix him. not because James was so messed up, but because they were equally screwed.

“… Then we won’t.” Regulus finally spoke and in return received confused glares. “You don’t need to put yourself back together, you need each piece to connect again.”

“But… I don’t know how.” James mumbled back.

Regulus paused for a moment, then suddenly punched the stained glass portrait in the center of the tower.

He lifted two pieces of the glass, they didn’t line up. He held them in the palm of his hands for James.

“These went together, but now they don’t. You can spend your whole life trying to make them go back together to how they were again, or you can make them go together…” He paused to break a piece off. “Differently.”

The pieces were now lined up again, different from before. Regulus flicked his wand and the two pieces conjoined.

“And you don’t need the rest of the picture.”

-

Regulus spent the remainder of the night in the library, staring at the assignment in front of him again.

For a moment, he thought he could dig deep and write about forgiving Sirius for leaving or forgiving James for taking him, but he couldn't do that. It was too vulnerable for him.

Before he could try and think of another idea, he felt someone's presence behind him.

"Mind if I..." Sirius trailed off. Regulus nodded and gestured to the seat across at the table. "Did you, um, you know, know that James has panic attacks?"

Regulus wanted to storm out of the room like a child. Yet again he'd gotten his hopes up that Sirius wanted to see his little brother. But of course, his brother had only come here to talk about James. Even when James wasn't there, he was still taking Sirius away. Regulus thought about his answer, trying to find which would hurt Sirius the most. The best reply would probably be to say yes. Yes, he'd been there for many and James still hadn't told Sirius. But then Regulus realized it would probably hurt him more if he said no, James had faced many alone. Sirius would always worry more than ever be jealous of him. But finally, he decided to be honest. He could lie about many things, he could go low and get the last word for practically everything, but he just couldn't do that with panic attacks. He could barely bring himself to say it.

"I don't even think James knows he has panic attacks."

"Did he ask you to sit there and ignore him?" Sirius asked, there was anger lying under his tone that Regulus knew was going to come out soon.

"I told you, I tried to help him."

"No, you didn't. You sat there and watched." Sirius glared at him with clenched fists on the table. Regulus almost feared he would hit him. "You didn't do anything to help. You can't spend your whole life only doing things for yourself."

"I. Tried. How many times do I have to say that before I get it in your thick skull? I did exactly what you do-did." Changing the tense was petty, Regulus knew that, but he had to do something to show Sirius that it wasn't fair. Yet it had to be something that wouldn't result in him crying. And he hated being called selfish, not because he devotes his whole life to making others happy. He doesn't do anything remotely close to that, but because he has been taught by his family for the entirety of his life being selfish is a good trait to have in the real world. That if he thinks about anyone other than himself and his parents, he will end up dead. 'friends mean nothing when you're in a meeting with the dark lord'

Sirius sighed, breaking him out of his thoughts. His anger was replaced by guilt. "Sure you know how to do it, you've done it before."

"You've done it before."

"So, so you haven't had one since I... you haven't had one alone?" There was hope in his eyes that made Regulus slightly happy to know that he was relieved to see his lack of panic attacks, but then he remembered that it wasn't true. There was certainly no lack of them.

"I didn't say that."

Chapter Text

James Potter is staring at himself in the mirror. He used to admire his decent looks, but now all he sees is how pathetic he is. His friends are worried and it's all his fault.

"James, classes are starting in half an hour, ready to get breakfast?" Remus asked with a knock on the bathroom door. James splashed some water on his face and stepped out. They started down to the great hall in silence.

"Sure you're feeling up to classes?" Peter asked when they sat down. James' face flushed.

"M'fine." He mumbled back.

Sirius hadn't said anything to him since they'd left the tower, which was nice at first, to not be grilled with questions; but now there was such an obvious elephant in the room that James just wanted him to spit it out. "Remus, you haven't eaten very much. Are you feeling alright?" James released a sigh of relief. For once, the worry was targeted towards someone else.

"Fine, just not hungry." Remus mumbled. James then realized that Remus hadn't eaten practically anything in the last few weeks. He'd been playing it off so well that James had barely noticed, and then he mentally beat himself up about not noticing sooner.

"You sure? It's been going on for a few weeks, if you still aren't hungry maybe you should see Pomfrey-"

"No, it's fine." James knew that wasn't exactly true, but there wasn't much he could do and he could tell that he was about to snap. And James most definitely could not handle getting screamed at by Remus right now, especially this close to the moon, he argues hard.

They continued to class, things finally going back to normal between the four. James and Sirius made jokes, Peter randomly chirping on random bits to the conversation, and Remus laughing along but pretending he didn't find it funny. James truly felt okay.

Then, they entered writing.

They were spending the entirety of the class working on the essay, which was due in only a couple of days. Sirius was nearly done, Remus was done, but James still sat with an empty paper.

"Need any help? James? James?" Remus shook his shoulder. James pulled himself out of his thoughts, which were nothing related to the assignment at all, and then shook his head in response.

Finally, something crossed his mind. He was flipping through his black notebook, trying to find someone who did him poorly, and he finally saw an opportunity. The fact that he should be fine, because of all of the 'perfect' things in his life, that he never understood why he couldn't just be normal. But perhaps he was learning that it's okay for him to be different. He isn't that different, but he knows that he thinks differently, and reacts differently, but that's okay. Possibly. He thought for a moment, then something clicked. If it were to be Sirius, or Remus, or Peter, or anyone else, it would be okay. He would love and support anyone going through a tough time mentally. Anyone except for himself.

He finished the essay in under twenty minutes, handing it in before his friends could read it or he could talk himself out of submitting it. But it seemed that none of his friends wanted to share their essays either. Perhaps they had written something equally personal.

-

Regulus spent his essay writing class scribbling away about a time when Pandora stole his favorite book, and had broken it. It was stupid, he knew that. But he's a good writer regardless, so it isn't likely for him to do anything lower than perfect no matter the topic. It was a time when he had to forgive someone. Exactly what he was assigned. But for a moment before placing it on the professor's desk, he paused. It truly was not his best work. There was an obvious topic, it sat on his chest like an anchor. But instead, he just tossed it on the table and hurried out of the classroom.

He didn't do much for the rest of the day, classes finished, and he talked to Evan and Barty, but nothing out of the ordinary until it hit just after dinner time when he excused himself from a game of chess in the Slytherin common room to go for a walk. This wasn't an unusual thing for him to do, Regulus loved to go for walks alone and clear his head. He reached the astronomy tower, just after the sun had set, his mind set on James.

But for once, he wasn't thinking about how much he hated him, or how he'd taken Sirius away. This time he was thinking about how he was doing. He had a panic attack, didn't tell anyone, didn't want anyone to know. James Potter wanted everyone and their mothers to know his business, until now. What did he even have to be worried about?

But Regulus doesn't like James, not even the slightest civil feeling. And yet, he was worrying about him. Regulus doesn't worry about people, he's not an overthinker. So why can't he get James off of his mind?

Footsteps sounded from the stairwell and Regulus started. Sirius. Sirius stood face to face with Regulus, anger written across his face. Why Sirius knew he was here or why he was so angry was unknown to Regulus, but he still stared back, mirroring the expression. He was ready to finish this fight.

"I just want to know why." was all Sirius said. Regulus stared back. "Why do you hate James, why do you want to be alone?"

"Because being alone feels better. It doesn't hurt as much." He ignored the first question, matching Sirius' even tone.

"It does hurt. You know that it does. Admit it."

"No,"

"You're so selfish, you know that?" Sirius spat, his voice rising.

" Because leaving your brother behind isn't selfish at all?" Regulus fired back.

"That's not fair, I asked you to come. You could've left, you can leave too if you could be nice enough to someone for them to want you." Sirius stated, venom dripping from his words. He knew this was too far. He knew Regulus being unwanted was the most difficult thing for him to deal with. But still, he needed him to hurt. He needed to lower this ego to nothing.

"Then why are you here? James is right there at your feet you don't need to bother me anymore."

"Because you walk around every day like I'm the problem. You can do nothing wrong, you'll be the perfect heir. You say that you hate mum and you don't want to be like them, but then you go out of your way to act just like them. You are following in their footsteps, and you like it. You like being a bad person."

"Fine, okay? Fine. I enjoy the feeling of being wanted, and I get it from them. If I do things right, they want me-"

"They don't want you, Reg! They are using you! You are being raised like a lamb to slaughter! Do you know what happens even if you follow everything perfectly, take the mark, and become a follower?! You die. You still fucking die. Either they kill you, or you kill yourself. You will never be truly happy there,"

"I'm not happy anywhere! I never have been, I never, ever have been. I've never been wanted." Regulus had started crying somewhere during this argument, but now he was fully sobbing. Sirius stared at him for a moment but he was guilt was short-lived. He left without taking the last word, which was unlike him. This just meant he cared even less than he thought,

Regulus stayed in that tower for nearly fifteen minutes, sobbing as silently as he could. Until he heard footsteps again. This time, Remus appeared. He stopped instantly at the sight of the normally stony-faced boy crying in the fetal position.

Remus didn't say anything, he just beside Regulus for a moment. He placed a hand delicately on the shoulder of the other boy and gave a slight push to wordlessly suggest he sit up. Regulus did, he didn't even look in the other boy's direction. He adjusted the hand on his shoulder until he was rubbing his back in light circles, he didn't know if it helped or not, but in case it did, he continued. Regulus finally lost go of anything that remained to hold him back. He stopped stifling the sobs. It was loud, it was raw, and it was terrible. But it felt better than drowning in it.

Eventually, the sobs slowed and Regulus remained leaning against Remus with exhaustion. He closed his eyes, allowing the wind to dry his tears. He coughed and cleared his throat. "Wh-why are you here?"

"Sirius came back saying you'd gotten in a fight, a bad one, he was a mess. I figured you were either the same way or you were completely unbothered. So I came to either comfort you as well or tell you off for what happened."

"He started it if he couldn't handle getting hurt, why would he start it?"

"I... don't know, to be completely honest. But I'm worried about him. And James. And now you too." Remus replied. Regulus looked up with confusion so he continued, "He's been talking about you a lot recently. I think he misses you. Or he's worried about you. For James, well you saw what I saw. That was the last thing I'd expect out of him. But now he's acting completely normal. And I don't know you, so I have no idea why I care all of a sudden. But if there's something I should care about for you, tell me."

Regulus didn't share any of his troubles with Remus that night, but he stayed. For a long time, he let his fight or flight response take a breath, and he just enjoyed the comfort.

Chapter Text

Regulus Black is a failure.

He’s not. Really. But the large P for Poor in his first essay said otherwise.

He’s never failed before. He’s never gotten anything lower than an ‘exceeds expectations’ before. And when he got that, he received a howler from his parents on why it should’ve been 'Outstanding'.

This was his first real failing grade, and writing was always his best assignment. Until now, of course. Now he was awful at his favorite thing. His comfort work.

“Alright Reg?” Barty asked him from the seat beside him. His essay sat in front of him, a big O written across his paper as if taunting Regulus.

“Fine,”

“How’d you do on the paper? Or I don’t even have to ask, you got another 'outstanding', yeah?” Evan started from the other side of him.

Regulus felt his face redden and his heartbeat quicken. Great, now even his friends are going to be disappointed.

“Fine,”

“It’s okay, you can brag about the score like usual. I wanna see the note of excellence the professors always leave for you.” Barty pressed.

Regulus couldn’t even generate a response for him, let alone take his work back out.

He tried to breathe, but the thoughts of what his parents would say, what they would do, were overpowering.

Someone was talking to him, likely Evan or Barty, but he couldn’t hear them. He turned around to see Remus sitting beside Sirius and James.

Their papers all sat on the table with perfect marks.

“How’d you do?” Remus asked. Regulus opened his mouth to answer but stopped himself. Everyone would be so disappointed. They counted on him to be smart, to not have to worry about his grades.

A punch to the shoulder brought him back from his thoughts. No. A hand on his shoulder. He hadn’t gotten hit by his mother. He was still at school.

His brother stared with anger at how badly he’d done. No. It was a concerned look about why he was suddenly panicking. No one even knew he failed. He still had to break the news of how terrible of a student he was. He couldn’t even get a simple passing grade. In his best subject.

“Get his stuff, Remus and I’ll take him,” Sirius said, sounding so far away. Barty and Evan stood, grabbing Regulus’ bag.

“Think we’ve found the culprit,” Evan explained. He lifted a paper from the top of the bag. His essay. With a big, fat 'P'.

Poor, poor, poor.

Regulus felt his breathing get faster if that’s even possible.

A hand reached his arm, they were going to hurt him. Punish him. He deserved it. He tried to pull away but knew he needed the punishment.

He was guided out the classroom door by Remus and Sirius. They stopped a moment later in an empty room. Regulus leaned over a desk to keep himself standing. Someone was talking to him, trying to get him to listen, but he couldn’t hear them over the sound of his head.

Failure, failure, failure rang out in his mind. Sirius and Remus must be saying the same, but he just couldn’t hear it because it always sounds much louder coming from you.

“Why won’t he calm down?” Remus’ voice penetrated through his head.

“Let me try,” a different voice. James.

God, did Regulus hate him.

But his voice was the only one pulling him back into reality and calming him down. “Regulus, take a breath in, that’s all you have to do.” it took more than a handful of attempts, but he finally drew in a solid, but shaky, breath. “Good, that’s great. now let it out… that’s right. Try and do it again yeah? One grade doesn’t mean shit. Your friends don’t love you for your perfect grades, they love you for you.”

“I-I know that, but…” ‘It doesn’t count when it’s me’ is what he wanted to say.

-

Regulus black needs help.

He'd never admit to that, of course. But he at least made it to the point where he recognized it. His essay sat in front of him at the library table. along with a new sheet of parchment, a chewed-up quill, and no less than fifty crumpled-up essays. He’d been attempting to remake his failed assignment, but he just couldn’t figure out what he’d done wrong.

After tossing another futile effort to fix his work, Regulus placed his head in his hands in defeat. He was going to have to take the failing grade and accept the howler he was about to receive.

“Need some help?” James asked, taking a seat across from him without warning. He reached for the old essay and Regulus quickly snatched it back. “Can I just read it? Then you can get a second opinion on what you could fix,” ‘I’ve never needed a second opinion before’ Regulus thought, but he just tentatively nodded because as much as he hated getting the feedback, he desperately needed the help. James read the essay in a few minutes, then turned back to him. Regulus braced himself for an intense fit of laughter to escape James’ mouth, but instead, he just started talking.

“It’s not bad, he was definitely harsh with your grade. But there’s just no you in it.”

“No me? I used the word ‘i’ like five times.” Regulus almost wanted to laugh. The essay was about coming to terms with something in your life and forgiveness. It was all about him.

“It’s not personal. He was expecting a more… sincere problem I think.” James was gentle with the advice, but it just made Regulus even more angry.

Especially because he was right.

He knew a perfect topic to write about, how his brother left him for James. However, that wasn’t something he would come to terms with. He would never forgive Sirius for doing such a thing to him, it wasn’t fair. And he sure as hell wasn’t going to sit there and pretend that he had gotten over it. This was one of the few things that Regulus didn’t question his stance on. There was absolutely no circumstance where he would understand or respect the decision made by his brother. And he couldn’t write about this in front of James, let alone his professor, or Sirius, who’s in the class.

“What did you write about?” Regulus asked. James was hesitant to answer and something boiled inside Regulus. Perhaps it was pent-up rage from the newfound school difficulty or maybe it was because a boy who he already cannot stand for the life in him was trying to give him advice, but he couldn't withhold his anger. “Oh let me guess, your parents didn’t buy you something, or they missed a second of your quidditch game? Because what the hell could you have to forgive when you have everything handed to you-”

“Myself.” James finally intervened.

Regulus turned to look at him, who was turned away with sudden embarrassment. “… practically what you just described. Coming to terms with the fact that it’s okay to need help, even when you have good things in your life, it won’t always make all your problems disappear. And that’s okay.”

Regulus stared for a long time as if seeing James for the first time, or at least in a whole new way. And after a long time, a new anger formed over him, shifting from the original idea of James not needing forgiveness, to the fact that he managed to get this forgiveness from himself but Regulus just couldn’t do it.

That’s when it hit him like a ton of bricks.

He wasn’t mad at Sirius, he was mad at himself.

For not being good enough to keep him there. For not leaving with him. For not being able to be a brother to Sirius the way that another boy from another family was.

Hot tears were suddenly trailing down his face, while the realization and the thoughts began penetrating through his head. He didn’t dare look up at James, no matter what his reaction would be. Maybe James was talking to him but all Regulus could think about was how different he was seeing the situation now.

“Reg, it’s okay,” James repeated a few times but Regulus found himself spiraling yet again. He had spent so long blaming Sirius without a second thought over the idea that he could have a valid reason, and it was primarily something Regulus could’ve done something about.

“No, it’s not.” he finally managed to reply.

“It can be,”

“It won’t be.”

“Why? Can you not forgive him?” James continued to ask, and Regulus was partially grateful for how he instantly knew what it was about.

“I can,” he paused. “I just can’t forgive myself.”

There was a pause, a long one.

“How’d you do it? Y’know, learn to forgive yourself…”

“It was hard, it is hard, some days I feel like I'm back to square one, but it gets easier.”

“I just… I hate myself for not being able to make him stay… wasn’t I enough? Why couldn’t I be enough?” his voice broke and wavered.

“Wow,” James mumbled, Regulus looked up with confusion. “That’s exactly what Sirius said when you refused to come with him.”

As if summoned, Sirius entered the library. he must have known that James was going to speak to him because he was shocked to see them sitting together crying. “I don’t blame you, I don’t think I ever really have,” Regulus said, collapsing into his brother’s arms. Sirius held him up, stroking his hair like he did when they were kids, whispering ‘I know’ into the back of his head.

Chapter Text

Regulus stared at the perfect score on his essay, things were finally back to normal.

Or they were supposed to be.

But Regulus couldn't seem to rid his mind of James. Ever since that night in the astronomy tower, he's given the boy more thought. The boy is much more complex than Regulus would have ever imagined, and he would have never believed such a thing had he not already been paying close attention to him.

Regulus often says he pays attention to every detail but only truly cares about the major things. This is true. Usually. But not when it comes to James Potter. You could even say that he counts as a major detail, the amount of analyzing Regulus has done over him.

It began before the hatred began, though there wasn't much time before the hatred, he supposes. Sirius came home from his first year at Hogwarts, rambling on about the boy he'd been with the last year. Hearing his brother describe another boy who he was sharing a room with, playing pranks with, and telling each other secrets, Regulus was instantly overcome by a strange pit feeling in his stomach, like a wave of anger, but not directly at James, at what he had. Jealous. He was jealous. Blacks don't get jealous. Or they weren't supposed to. They can't envy anyone other than the person they're supposed to become.

Then, the year after, Regulus laid eyes on James for the first time. There was a different feeling in his stomach, instead of a pit, there was a more swarming feeling, almost like anxiety. Blacks don't get anxiety. They can't worry about anything other than their own life. If it isn't a matter of life and death, it isn't worrisome.

Across the following years, Regulus saw his brother less and less, while Sirius saw his brother more and more. He started to spend summers with the Potters, coming back with his smile lines much more accentuated. Regulus very rarely saw the smile making the line, all he could do was cling to the happiness caused by James. During this time he also realized that the feeling he got every time he saw James, or even thought of him, was not, in fact, anxiety. It was him finding the boy attractive. Blacks don't go for looks or personality, they go for money. They go for money, status, and the future they can bring.

Until it hit the summer of last year. One night, Regulus was sat in his room, plugging his ears to try and drown out the noise of his brother fighting with his parents. He has a wand, he could juts cast a silencing spell. But he couldn't. He was shaking so aggressively that he couldn't hold the wand properly enough to make it cast a spell; he was also crying so hard that he couldn't bring out the words of the spell. Then Sirius appeared in the doorway of Regulus' bedroom. Regulus jumped up, checking the other boy for any potential injuries their parents could have caused. Sirius stared for a moment, breathing out of his mouth. His eyes red, lips trembling, eyes glossed over to a point he most definitely couldn't see. Words were not found between either of them. For a long time. Regulus knew what he was going to say. He knew it wasn't a recent plan, it was bound to happen one day. He stepped closer, daring Sirius to say the words rotting in the back of his throat. Say it. Say it.

"Reggie," was all he said. Regulus pulled him in for a bone-crushing hug. Though most of him was trying to ignore it, deep down he knew this was his last hug from his brother. Maybe Sirius knew it too, maybe he didn't. "I can't stay here. I'm going to live with James... forever."

Betrayal. That's what he felt. Blacks don't get betrayed, they do the betraying. His parents would be proud of Sirius, the biggest insult for the both of them

"No," was all Regulus could muster out.

"You can come with me, James will love you, his parents are great. You shouldn't stay either."

"No," A pause. Regulus tried to find another word in his vocabulary. "Please just stay. We can do this if we stay together."

"You don't want to stay here, you're not safe. We have to go, now."

Regulus suddenly opened his mouth only to find that no sound would come out. His body was burning with everything left unsaid; there was nothing for him to do. "I... I can't. You know I can't. You know it's not possible for both of us to leave."

"You could. I'm starting to think you want to stay!"

Neither one said anything after that. Regulus had hundreds of thousands of possible comebacks, but he still chose the most effective one. Silence. After a moment, Sirius slowly stepped out of the room, leaving nothing but a tiny scroll of parchment on the floor.

"Offer always stands. - Sirius

-

James, Remus, Sirius, and Peter sat at the common room table after hours. James was rambling on again about nothing really in particular, as he typically was. "James, mate, that's enough." Remus said through his laughter. James kept on talking, as he typically does.

"Oi, James shut up! Seriously you've given me a headache!" Sirius moaned. He was laughing, he didn't genuinely mean what he'd said, but he said it. He said the dreaded two words that were enough to shut him down.

James' mouth clamped shut immediately, and he did his best to blink away his tears. No one noticed at first. Then, Sirius heard the drastic change in volume and looked over at his friend. James was staring at the wall ahead, tears in the back of his eyes.

"James, you alright?" Peter asked as they all observed the demeanor change of the previously bubbly James they'd been with before. James didn't answer, he just grabbed his notebook from the table and hurried out of the room.

"Should we go after him?" Sirius asked.

"Best not, he never wants to be around people during this." Remus advised.

-

Regulus woke with a start. The navy blue of the sky out his window indicated it wasn't very late into the night. He'd been having the reoccurring nightmare of his brother's departure, and though this wasn't a new experience, the ending was something new. In his dreams, instead of ending with Sirius walking out, it had been ending with Regulus leaving with him.

He rolled over, the soft snoring of his dorm mates, became audible. He finally forced himself up and slowly crept towards the door, pausing to grab his black notebook from beneath his mattress. He turned his head back to the door, then back to the room. Evan's bed was empty. Barty's bed, partially concealed but the fourposter curtains, was not empty. It also solved the mysterious question of where Evan had gone. They lay on their backs, arms together, sleeping the most peaceful Regulus had ever seen them together. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation or because he was still recovering from his dream, but instead of being grossed out, confused, or hurt they didn't tell him, he smiled.

He smiled. At least someone could be happy.

Regulus finally left the dorm and subconsciously wandered down to the astronomy tower. He reached the stairs, presuming it empty, he opened his notebook and started writing as he continued up the stairs and into the main part. He was completely preoccupied with his own writing he almost didn't even notice when he stumbled over an object on the floor.

A notebook. A black notebook.

Regulus slowly bent down beside it, the notebook in his hand placed down to the right of the other one. They were exactly the same. They both were about the size of his hand with black leather covers. They were also both bulging out with the number of words filling in between the covers. The difference, Regulus reckons one is significantly less important, likely containing nothing more than potions class notes or a to-do list.

A stuttered gasp for air brought Regulus out of his hyperfixation on the examining of the journals and he turned around to find whoever he had missed the presence of. Once again, he was faced with James Potter.

The boy sat atop the ledge with his back to Regulus, shoulders shaking while he took in heaving gasps. From behind, it almost looked like he was laughing. The bouncing chuckles followed James everywhere, he was always laughing about something. Regulus froze for a moment, trying to process what was happening.

James was having another panic attack, similar to the one he had not too long ago. Regulus did his best to snap out of the daze he was going into, he was not going to give up this time. He was going to help.

"Hey, James. It's all good. Do you want to come sit on the ground?" he feverishly shook his head. "No problem, stay right here. Take a deep breath in. You can do it, I promise you, you can do it."

James opened his mouth with rapid, ugly gasps as he tried to find the ability to take it in. He coughed and grunted but still was not able to get breath in. Regulus tried to coach him through it, doing it himself, but James just couldn't do it. This one was clearly much worse than the previous one, much worse than Regulus had ever seen. "Should I get Sirius? Or Remus? Or Pomfrey?" another feverish head shake.

"Okay, then let's just talk. Maybe that will work better for you. Is this just a bad day or did something happen?" James opened his mouth to speak, but since he couldn't even breathe, he most definitely couldn't speak. "Just nod your head for the first and shake your head for the second." James shook his head, something had happened. "Okay, it's alright. I promise, anything that happened can be fixed or forgiven, it'll be okay."

"T-They... Th-ey h-hate me..." James managed to struggle out. "Li-like a l-lot."

"Who? Remus and Sirius?" a nod. "Are you kidding? They absolutely adore you. They would quite literally give you the moon if they could."

There was silence, well no words at least, just the struggling breathing. It started to slow to a relaxed pant just as footsteps sounded on the stairs of the tower. Sirius and Remus.

Sirius stopped at the top of the stairs, catching just the end of his friend's panic attack. He paused to think on why it had happened all of a sudden. And he remembered, he had told him s=to shut up. Fuck. He knew that was taken to heart by James, and he still said it. He couldn't believe his stupidity.

"Shit, James. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, seriously. I don't know why I said it."

"S'ok."

"Anything I can do?" Sirius asked gently.

"No, thank you. Just want a bit more time up here?" Sirius and Remus nodded and left without protest. Regulus remembered their notebooks sat on the ground. He quickly picked up the one on the left, holding it close to him to avoid a mix-up.

Chapter Text

James and Regulus sat in silence for a long time. Finally, James spoke again. "Madam Pomfrey too, huh? The notebook?"

"Yeah, guess so."

"Think anyone else has one?"

"Doubt it,"

Silence fell over them again. Regulus stared out at the stars, leaning against the tower's ledge. He finally turned to James, completely forgetting someone else was accompanying him. James didn't see Regulus watching him, sideways on the ledge with his eyes fixed somewhere outside. Regulus continued to watch him, curious about what the other boy was looking at. Then, Regulus followed his eyes to where the gaze had landed.

The ground.

James Potter was watching the ground beneath the tower.

Regulus tried to convince himself he wasn't looking there, he was just... zoned out. But no, it was evident James was fully conscious inspecting the asphalt below. Regulus has never been good at understanding which emotion someone was feeling by nothing but their facial expressions, primarily because he'd been trained not to represent his very much. However, there was something different about James. For some reason, Regulus could always understand his emotion by one glance at him.

And right now, he really, really wished he couldn't.

James was looking at the concrete path, secluded from many people, at least a sixty-foot drop, with desire. With longing. He wanted it.

"Do you want to come down from there now?" Regulus spoke, his own voice sounding far away, his heartbeat overpowering the words.

"I'm all right." James didn't change his position at all.

"You sure?"

"Positive."

"Okay... you're very close to the edge," Regulus said carefully.

"Can you just mind your own business? You do a very good job of not speaking to anyone, I don't understand why it's suddenly so hard." He snapped. Taken aback, Regulus decided he needed to just bite the bullet. Explain what he knows. Outright say it.

"It won't work, you know." he said sharply. James finally turned his head towards Regulus. He gave a confused glare, but Regulus could tell he understood the statement completely. "Might as well just come back down s'all I'm saying."

James didn't say anything for a moment. A weak, "Why?" was all that he got out.

"There's a barrier to keep people from falling, you'll just get put back up here."

"How would you know?" A beat. "Oh,"

Once again, neither one said anything for a long time. But finally, James slowly slid off of the wall and back onto the floor beside Regulus. Finally, Regulus drew in a breath and sat up straighter, closer to the other.

"Last year... last year I was- I was not doing well. I mean, I'm not exactly doing well now, but it was worse then. I couldn't make it to a full day of classes, my parents took away my ability to get in contact with Sirius, and they were also trying to get me to marry this girl."

"She pretty?" James asked. Regulus let out a laugh. He genuinely laughed.

"She was my cousin."

"Oh merlin." James and Regulus chuckled for a moment, neither one of them picking up on the fact that was weird. "Okay but like, who isn't your cousin? Your family tree is like a circle,"

"Damn, guess you're feeling better." Regulus said through laughter. James' face softened a little.

"You know I'm fine, right? You know there's nothing to worry about?" James said suddenly. It sounded almost rehearsed, and Regulus realized it most likely was.

"You know you don't have to be, right? I mean, that's what you wrote about but-but I'm not sure if you actually believe it yourself. You can take your own advice."

"You can too." James snapped, a sudden anger entering his words. "You just gave me a whole speech about how everyone loves me and how I can't pretend I have no one as if you don't do the exact same thing!"

"Because I don't! My parents suck, my friends, they care, but it's like, it's different. We don't have that type of relationship. Sirius is... well you know." James went silent again. Neither one of them said anything for a long time before James finally rose from their position. He grabbed the notebook that remained on the ground.

Regulus sighed, taking his notebook from the floor and placing it back in his lap. Boy, did he have shit to write out tonight. He flipped to the nearest open page, the page to the left of it completely filled out. That's normal, he couldn't remember where his writing had finished. What was abnormal, was the handwriting. It was rushed and printed, unlike Regulus' careful swoops of cursive he'd been forced to write in all these years.

This was James Potter's notebook.

With James Potter's writing. His secrets.

And that meant James Potter had his writing. Regulus' secrets.

Chapter Text

Regulus flipped through the notebook, not daring to read the words before him. He just unfocused his eyes and stared at the pages and pages of writing. Pages and pages of his problems that he's never dared to say aloud.

He wondered if James was reading his notebook right now. Probably. He was always very curious and nosy person, there was no way he was going to be able to hold off on seeing what Regulus was saying. Regulus wanted to look, but he also so greatly wanted to stay curious.

When James entered class the following morning, things were normal. He had a terrible pit In his stomach as he recalled his time with Regulus, but he looked normal, and that's what was important. The issue wasn't entirely having a heart-to-heart conversation that exposed some of his secret feelings, but the issue was why he couldn't stop thinking of the boy he had the talk with.

Perhaps it was the new light being cast by having new things in common, or anything in common. Or perhaps it was the fact that he had intentionally ignored Regulus for the entirety of his life because he could never truly explain why he suddenly got so nervous around him or why he felt the need to impress him all of the time. Of course, now he had seen James at an all-time low on multiple occasions, as had he for Regulus, but there was still a significant layer of anxiety when faced with him.

"James?" James pulled himself out of his daze to face Remus. "We started an assignment, are you all right?"

James paused for a moment too long. He knew. He already knew, but he could see through the facade a little more than usual right now. "Fine, what are we doing?"

"Essay on a time we felt vulnerable." Remus replied. Fuck. James' least favorite feeling. He would have to pull a Regulus and write something utterly stupid to avoid the exposure. Speaking of which, he hadn't seen Regulus yet today. He glanced over at his usual seat, which was empty. As well as Barty and Evan's. He knew that it was very likely just the friends bunking off class as they'd done before, but for some reason, James felt a strong nagging worry telling him to go check on him.

Somehow, he managed to sit through the class without giving in to seeking out Regulus, breaking down over the essay topic, or getting another, "Are you okay?"

James and his friends made their way back to the common room. "I'll be back, guys." James excused himself, finally deeming it acceptable for him to find Regulus. He approached the astronomy tower but found it empty. He zoned out for the walk back to his tower and somehow zoned back into standing outside the Slytherin common room. He paused but knew it wasn't worth trying to go in. He didn't even have something to say; he just needed to see him. So before anyone opened the door, thank Godric, no one opened the door, James returned to his own common room.

"Do whatever it was you had to do?" Sirius asked at his friend's return.

"Yeah, all good. I have a boatload of homework, though." James replied, pulling his notebook from his bag. He hadn't used it since the night before. But now, he had to get some of his problems out before trying to put one into school writing. He placed it before him, everyone else engrossed in their work. He flipped the black leather cover as well as many pages that had already been filled. However, his usual choice of dark green ink had been replaced by solid black. It was a subtle difference, yes, but it was a difference. Then, he noticed his penmanship. which had never been great but still legible, was now elegant, connecting letters.

It was not his ink, his handwriting, and, most importantly, his words. They were Regulus Black's words.

Regulus didn't get out of bed the morning following his night at the tower with James. Partially because his friends had drunk quite a bit the previous night, still keeping the relationship a secret, and they would most definitely be needing a caregiver. And partially because he couldn't dare face the boy who had just discovered every last secret Regulus had confessed since receiving the notebook. But mostly the latter.

He slept some of the pain off, then generated some more when remembering how he had referenced fancying James a few times. Honestly, Regulus was surprised the other boy hadn't banged down the door with thousands of questions about what he'd meant.

Instead of going to the astronomy tower, despite him finally gathering up some strength to leave his room, he stayed put. If James went to find him, it would at least take a little longer. And he could always just refuse to open the door.

James must have made a noise when he discovered it because Remus and Sirius looked up. James' mouth hung open with a slight strangled gasp escaping his mouth. He wasn't panicking, not yet, at least, but he was still definitely afraid. "Prongs?" Sirius began. James looked up into his searching eyes. He didn't have an excuse for this. And he technically didn't need one; this wasn't something that hurt his bubble of hiding his emotions.

"Regulus and I... we swapped notebooks." James' face flushed. He didn't know why it was so embarrassing..

"Want me to deliver it for you?" Remus suggested.

"No, I-I need to talk to him in person."

Remus drew the map from his robes. "He's in his dorm; I'll have him meet us in the library. You guys head there soon." He instructed. James flipped through the notebook without landing on any page for long enough to read it.

"Why do you guys have the same notebook?" Sirius finally asked on the quiet walk to the library.

"... Pomfrey gives them out." James sighed.

"Oh, have you looked at what Reg wrote?" Sirius asked, avoiding the obvious elephant in the room, James' struggles. James paused, handing the journal over. Sirius flipped it open to the first page. James didn't read it. Instead, he watched Sirius' facial expressions. For the first few pages, Sirius didn't bat an eye. He knew everything being confessed so far, being his brother. Then, his neutral face shifted. A strange combination of shock and horror left James curious about what Regulus had confessed. Sirius looked up from the notebook, at James, back at the notebook, then back up at James.

Sirius didn't say anything, he probably wouldn't have noticed that he walked right past the library if James hadn't pulled him inside. Sirius closed the notebook silently, handing it back to James before coming into view of Remus and Regulus.

Regulus looked... well he looks like shit.

Not that James thought he looked much better, but Regulus had clearly been sleeping all day, worrying, likely crying. The problem was that it still gave James the same butterflies in his stomach he always got when seeing the boy. He still thought he looked good.

Regulus knew that he looked terrible. He knew from the brief reflection in the window he hadn't dared to look in a mirror. He wasn't typically the avoiding type; he knew his looks weren't terrible, but he couldn't look at himself after knowing all of his deepest and darkest secrets were being revealed to his brother, his possible crush, and his friend. Was Remus his friend? He would like to think so. No, Blacks can't have friends. He would like Remus to think so, he would really like Remus to hope so.

Regulus also knew he looked terrible when Remus showed up at his dorm at some point during the day. Barty was about to leave, so he let him in. "Good luck," was all he'd said to Remus before turning past him as he'd been going. Regulus was sitting up at least, but it would have probably looked better if he was still under the covers without anyone seeing his face.

It wasn't just weird for him to cry over someone mistakenly stealing his notebook, it was humiliating. But he couldn't make it stop. Remus subconsciously sucked in a breath when meeting his eyes. Then he realized what he had done and turned away with embarrassment.

"Hey, Regulus." Remus mumbled out. Regulus didn't say anything, but he managed to hum a response to confirm he'd heard. "Err, James has something of yours. I think you have something of his. He's a little... torn up about it. But we can meet him in the library and you guys can make a trade."

"How much did you read?" Regulus asked, trying to make his voice cold with a slight underlying tone of anger, but instead, it came out weak and insecure.

"What? None of it," Remus turned with utter confusion. Regulus scanned him for a moment. It didn't seem like he was lying. But he could tell that Remus was a good liar so his decision on his truth was still unresolved. "... How much of James' did you read?"

"None,"

"Really?"

"Really,"

"Why not? You're not curious?"

"Weren't you curious about mine?"

"I guess so,"

"But you didn't read it,"

"I don't know, it felt like too much of an invasion of privacy, we don't know each other that well."

"And yet you're standing in my dorm pretending I don't look like I drowned in a cave." A pause. "I don't know James that well, but you still expected me to read his notebook."

"I guess I thought you were closer than that. Or that you hated him and to spite him, you'd read it." Regulus didn't reply. "Sorry, not to assume that you would ever do something like that, I don't want to put words in your mouth, I'm sorry-"

"No, that's a valid thought. But there's something about knowing everything that I sort of don't want. I would rather stay wondering." Remus nodded, the answer seemed to satisfy him enough to stop asking more questions. Regulus had a few of his own questions circling his head, but he opted against asking. Remus was watching the notebook and Regulus knew he wanted to read it. He probably shouldn't offer it up, as Remus had been respectful enough not to read his, it was likely he would never read James'. "You can look if you want."

"No, that doesn't seem like..." A beat. "Thanks." He took the notebook from him and stood silently to read. Regulus watched his expressions. Remus was at a loss for words the moment he opened the book. Not only because he was finding out that his presumably stable and happy best friend had a diary full of pain, but the fact that he had no idea. Why hadn't James told him? Why hadn't he seen the signs regardless?

Here James was, confessing to wanting to end his life, and Remus most likely made some form of a joke about doing the same that very day. How could he do something like that? All of the times he had run off during dinners, coming back with a reddened face. All the times he suddenly goes silent after a slight hit to his personality. All of the times he began to sweat, eyes began to water, and he would run off claiming to be too hot. All of the times that his hands would shake, knees bounce, and teeth chatter.

He saw none of it.

Sirius saw none of it, James' parents saw none of it, no one saw anything. Either everyone is terrible at being able to open up their goddamn eyes and saw something, or James is just a very, very excellent liar. Regardless of how well James could cover it up, there were holes in his plans. Holes that Remus chose to ignore. He felt like shit.

"Remus?" Regulus asked out of nowhere. That had approached the library at some point. Remus handed the book back to Regulus and shook his head, unable to generate any words.

James and Sirius appeared in the room as well. James stepped toward Regulus, catching a glimpse of Remus while he did so. Remus had a look of utter shock and concern, the worst look for James to receive. And all that James could think was 'fuck'. Fuck. He knows. It's officially over.

Regulus finally stepped forward as well, Sirius beside James as usual. But he had a confused disappointment painting across his face. He had read everything. Every. Last. Thing. There was no denying it now.

"Um, here." James finally said, passing the notebook back to Regulus. Regulus almost didn't take it from him. Everything was already out in the open, there was no point in trying to hide any of it. Regulus handed James his book.

Silence.

Things were finally restored.

But they definitely not back to normal.

Chapter Text

The days following the notebook ordeal, nothing different actually happened. James and Sirius went back to their usual joking around and Regulus went back to not having any contact with them. Not that he was expecting to suddenly have a real connection with any of them, but maybe he was. Just a little. But he's not one to get his hopes up, so he went back to pretending that he never wanted any of that in the first place.

Remus hadn't had the chance to talk to Sirius about what he had read, but it was eating him alive every second afterward. Sirius had his own new information to worry about, but he needed to figure out who he should talk to about it too.

"Remus?" Sirius asked one night. He stood in the doorway of their dorm, Remus sprawled out across his bed with homework surrounding him. He wasn't doing any of it, he was thinking about James.

"Everything all right?"

"... No," Remus pushed the papers aside and Sirius sat down. "The notebooks..."

"You mean James," Remus finished. Sirius turned to him with confusion.

"James? I-I meant Regulus. What did you see?"

He paused, looking into the other boy's eyes. Sirius' eyes appeared much more gray than usual; perhaps the worry had faded the blue away. Remus' eyes were always the same light brown. He typically disliked the lack of life is displayed, though on certain occasions; he enjoyed having little telling signs of some of his feelings. He was able to hide his pain, all different types, until recently, Sirius had been able to crack it anyway.

"Well, Regulus showed me James' notebook. It's... bad. Really bad. I'm genuinely worried about him."

"How worried?" Sirius asked, trying to hide the shake in his voice as he pretended to be oblivious to the thousands of terrible possibilities circling his head.

"He talked about wanting to jump... He talked about Regulus calling him out on wanting to jump, that's how they ended up swapping books." Remus gradually began to speed up his words as if that could make them not be true. "He also described how he feels like he has no real friends because he can't help but be overly nice to everyone and can't tell if other people actually like him. And-and he'd die for people to like him."

"No real friends? I live with him?!" Sirius was angry. Not genuinely angry at James for saying such a thing, angry that he thought that way. Maybe he was angry at himself for causing James to feel this way. Who's fault was it really?

Neither of them said anything for a long time. Remus continued to attempt to busy himself with the work before him; there was still an essay due very soon. He couldn't write about his 'furry little problem' though he wished he could. That was perfect. Before he could try and come up with another opportunity for an essay topic, Sirius had jumped off of the bed and begun to pace.

"All right?"

"How can James not feel appreciated?" Sirius asked. Remus let out a slight sigh of relief that Sirius wasn't panicking, he was just very curious. And worried. As he should be, Remus was as well.

"Let's talk to him,"

"No, I know him. He's going to find a way out of the conversation, he always does."

"Then we just need to find a way to make sure he can't get away..." Remus replied, both of their brains spinning with all different opportunities to get them alone with him.

-

 The atmosphere in the small study room inside the library was tense, the marauders gathered in a tight circle around the table. Sunlight filtered through the blinds, casting stripes across the carpet, but the brightness felt muted compared to the heaviness hanging in the air. Their schoolwork sat in front of them and they'd worked for a little before it was finally time for the dreaded conversation.

“Okay, let’s just get this over with,” Sirius said, glancing at the door. “We can’t keep dancing around this anymore and you most definitely cannot keep avoiding our questions.”

 “Yeah,” said Peter, leaning back in his chair. “We’re here for you but we need to talk.”

 In the center, James shifted uncomfortably, his eyes darting between them. He could feel the weight of their concern pressing down on him. “Guys, I really don’t know what you're so—”

 “No,” Remus interjected, leaning forward on the table. James barely suppressed a flinch at the movement. “You don’t get to say that. We’re not leaving until you talk to us. We've literally watched you have panic attacks, like four in the last few weeks. I'm sick of letting you off without getting closure.”

 James swallowed hard, anxiety flooding his system. “I’m fine. Really. I just need some time—”

 “Time?” Sirius cut in, frustration creeping into his voice. “You’ve been saying that for weeks. This isn’t about needing time; it’s about needing help. You've gotten some help, that's where the whole notebook thing stemmed from. But you're still not giving us anything. We’re worried, mate.”

James' heart raced as he felt trapped, cornered in a way he wasn’t used to. “I can handle it,” he insisted, though the tremor in his voice betrayed him.

 “Handle what?” Peter asked gently, finally setting all four legs of the chair on flat ground. “We see you struggling, and it hurts to watch. You don’t have to do this alone. Just talk to us.”

 The silence stretched out, thick and suffocating. James' mind raced with thoughts, panic bubbling just beneath the surface. He hated being vulnerable, hated feeling exposed. “I don’t know how,” he finally whispered, his voice barely audible.

 “Just start with how you’ve been feeling, whatever way you start your journal entries” Remus urged, his tone softer now. “We’re here to listen. No judgment.”

 James' chest tightened, breaths coming quicker as he fought against the wave of emotions threatening to crash over him. “I—I don’t want to burden you guys. I don’t want pity.”

"We’re your friends, your brothers,” Sirius said firmly. “It’s not pity; it’s concern. We care about you, and we want to help.”

 James shook his head, the weight of their words feeling unbearable. “I’m fine. Really.” But inside, he felt the walls closing in, the shadows of depression and anxiety wrapping around him like a vice. He wanted to scream, to cry, but the words wouldn’t come. His pulse quickened, and he felt lightheaded, the room spinning slightly as he tried to maintain control. All he could do was pray. He clung to the walls of the cave he was beginning to fall into. He really didn't want to do this.

 "We get it, you're a very intense people pleaser and-"

"No, you don't get it. I would die for people to like me. I would die if it meant that people would like me."

“James, please,” Peter pleaded, his voice laced with urgency. “You don’t have to go through this alone. Just let us in.”

 The pressure inside James' chest intensified, and he gasped for air. “I can’t!” he cried out, tears springing to his eyes. “I can’t do this!” Suddenly, the dam broke. Panic surged through him, and he felt himself spiraling. “I can’t breathe!” he shouted, his hands shaking as he struggled to steady himself.

 “James, hey, look at me,” Remus said, moving closer, hands raised in a calming gesture. “You’re okay. Just breathe. We’re right here.” But the room felt too small, the air too thick, and James' vision blurred as he fought against the tidal wave of panic crashing over him. He felt a rush of warmth as Sirius wrapped an arm around his shoulders, grounding him even as everything spun out of control.

“Just focus on my voice,” Sirius said, speaking slowly. “Inhale through your nose… hold it… and exhale slowly. You’ve got this.”

 But James was inconsolable, he knew this was a thousand times more embarrassing than speaking out his feelings, but any free will had been ripped away from him. He gripped onto the collar of his robes, suffocating. Remus decided to disenchant the door to the room that they'd cursed to stay locked to keep James inside, but he knew that all James really needed was some more space. He called out the spell repeatedly, the door remaining bolted shut. He jammed his shoulder against it, though it was no use. They were not getting out of this room.

 "I'm so sorry James, the door is stuck." James let out a terribly choked sob at this, breathing intensely from deep in his diaphragm, but it felt like no air was getting up to his throat.

 As James struggled to follow their guidance, he began to feel the weight of their support, a lifeline in the storm. The intensity of the moment didn’t fade, but the presence of his friends surrounded him, their determination to help cut through the panic, giving him a glimmer of hope amid the chaos.

 It took a long time, longer than ever before, but gradually, the storm inside him began to calm. With his friends surrounding him, their steady voices guiding him, he focused on the rhythm of his breathing. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. After a few moments that felt like an eternity, the world around him came back into focus, the haze lifting as his heart rate slowed. James finally ended up reducing his breaths to silent shudders. No one dared to say anything for a long time.

 "I'm so sorry, James, I'm so, so sorry. We didn't do this to make it worse." Sirius finally spoke.

 I-it's okay, I'm sorry that I can't talk about anything for the life in me." James replied, his voice shaky but quieter now. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, feeling the embarrassment creep in. “I didn’t mean to lose it like that.”

"Don’t apologize,” Remus replied softly, his eyes filled with concern. “We’re just glad you’re okay. We’re here to support you, no matter what.” Peter nodded, his expression earnest. “Yeah, that was a lot. But it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s a big step just to let us in like that.”

James took a deep breath, feeling the warmth of their understanding wrap around him like a blanket. “I just… I didn’t want to show you how bad it really is. Obviously you saw a lot of it before, but I could still bounce back from it... I thought I could handle it on my own.”

Sirius leaned closer, his tone gentle. “But you don’t have to carry everything by yourself. We’re your friends, and we care. We want to know what you’re going through.”

The sincerity in their faces made it easier for James to let down his guard. He hesitated, but the words started to flow. “It’s just… everything feels heavy all the time. Like there’s this weight pressing down on me, and I can’t shake it off. Some days, it weighs me down to the point where it feels like I can't even carry my own weight.”

“Have you been feeling this way for long?” Remus asked, his brow furrowed with concern.

James nodded, his throat tight. “A few months, maybe longer. I kept thinking it would pass, but it just… it doesn’t. I’m tired of pretending I’m okay when I’m not.”

Sirius reached out, placing a reassuring hand on James' shoulder. “You don’t have to pretend with us. We want to help. Have you thought about telling your parents?” The thought sent a shiver of anxiety through James, but he realized how desperately he needed support. More than just a notebook. “I don’t know. I’ve thought about it, but it feels so daunting. What if they think it's their fault?” “They're going to care more about helping you than where it came from,” Peter said firmly. “It’s actually one of the strongest things you can do. It shows you want to fight for yourself. And you have the greatest parents in the world. That doesn't mean you shouldn't feel this way, it means that since you do, you can get help.”

James looked down at his hands, the weight of their words sinking in. “I guess I just don’t know where to start.”

“That’s okay,” Remus said, his voice calm. “We can help you figure it out. We can even go with you if you want. You’re not alone in this.”

James felt a flicker of hope, a small light breaking through the clouds that had loomed over him for so long. “Really? You’d do that for me?”

“Absolutely,” Sirius said, his expression sincere. “We’re in this together, remember? We’re not going anywhere.”

With a shaky breath, James nodded, feeling a mixture of gratitude and fear. “I just… I need time to process everything. But I want to try. I really do.”

“Take all the time you need,” Remus said, smiling softly. “We’ll be right here when you’re ready.” As they settled back into a comfortable silence, James felt lighter, as if a small part of the weight had been lifted. The journey ahead wouldn’t be easy, but he knew he wouldn’t have to face it alone. With his friends by his side, he felt ready to take the first step toward healing.

Chapter Text

Not much happened for Regulus in the time following. Barty and Evan finally admitted to their relationship. "Finally," was all he'd replied with.

"Finally? Did you expect us to ge together?" Evan asked.

"No, I've seen you guys. We share a dorm. It's not exactly secretive to share a bed when I'm in the one right beside you."

"But you still didn't say anything," Barty continued with confusion.

"Figured you'd tell me when the time was right. Or it wouldn't amount to much more and it wouldn't be worth mentioning." The couple didn't reply, they didn't quite understand him. Typically the three of them had a strangely similar feeling and thought process, but not for this. Barty had always been the confrontational sort, and Evan has never been casual about anything a day in his life, and would not have been able to leave it alone.

-

The day following James' moment with the others was... rough. To say the least.

Sirius, Remus, and Peter felt like they were walking on eggshells surrounding the other boy, the weight of that conversation lingered between them like a thick fog.. The afternoon sun cast a warm glow over the bustling school courtyard, but an awkward tension hung in the air. The three stretched out in the stone hallway, connecting a few parts of the castle outside, their faces a mix of concern and uncertainty. James was still asleep.

Sirius kicked at a loose pebble on the ground, breaking the silence. “So… how’s everyone doing?”

Remus shifted her weight, stealing a glance at James, who was rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “Um, I guess I’m okay? Just… trying to process everything, I guess.”

“Yeah, same here,” Peter added, frustration creeping into his voice. “It’s just… I didn’t know it was that serious for James. I feel kinda helpless.” They fell silent again, their eyes drifting toward Sam, who sat alone on a nearby bench, staring at his phone. The moment felt heavy, and Sirius couldn’t shake the feeling that they should be doing something more.

“Should we… talk to him?” Remus whispered, voice tentative.

Sirius shrugged, his brow furrowing. “I don’t want to say the wrong thing, you know? What if we just make it worse? That's what we did last time.”

“But we can’t just ignore him, or what he said,” Peter insisted, his voice rising slightly. “He needs us now more than ever.”

Sirius took a deep breath, a spark of determination igniting within him. “Okay, let’s just be honest. We can’t pretend everything’s normal. Let’s just ask him if he wants to hang out.” The three friends exchanged hesitant glances but eventually returned to the dorm. As they approached, he sat up, vulnerability and anxiety etched across his face. He had not slept the night before, not until the sun began to peak across the sky and his friends had started to get up. He finally felt enough peace to drift off once they'd left. He knew they'd left to talk about him, he couldn't bring himself to worry about it as he was overcome by replaying what had happened the day prior.

““Um… hey, we were just, uh… thinking about getting lunch down in Hogsmeade. Want to come?” Sirius started quietly.

James opened his mouth, but the words caught in his throat. He hesitated, uncertainty flickering in his eyes. “You guys want me to join?”

Remus stepped forward, sincerity shining through. “Of course we do, man. We just… don’t know how to act, I guess.”

James nodded slowly, a small smile breaking through the tension. “Yeah, I get that. I don’t want things to be weird either.”

Sirius leaned in, his voice brightening the mood. “How about we throw a party? Like, a school-wide one. Just to shake off the awkwardness and remind everyone we’re all in this together.”

James raised an eyebrow, the idea starting to take root in his mind. “A party? It would be fun… and a good distraction.”

Peter's excitement bubbled up. “Yeah! We can plan games and snacks. Make it a whole thing!”

James' eyes widened, the weight of his struggles momentarily lifted by the thought of reconnecting with their friends. He hadn't spoken very much to his friends in the last few weeks as he'd feared that if he let anyone in too close, more people would find out what was going on inside his head. Parties were sort of a good thing for him, he was always the performing type. He did much better in large groups as it held him off from letting his guard down completely, though he had established a great system of having enoguh to say that got people very close to him, and they could pour their troubles onto him, but he would never end up truly explaining his problems. And no one would notice because he's James Potter and doesn't have any problems to face anyway.

-

"I'm still not going." Regulus insisted, crossing his arms.

"Come on, mate. Everyone's going." Barty begged.

"It's a party, I don't like parties. Hosted my brother, I don't like my brother. Also hosted by James, I don't-I mean-It's James."

"Reggie, it's not just them at the party. All of us are there." Pandora reasoned. "Just for a little?"

"No,"

-

The pulsating music filled the room, a vibrant backdrop to the swirling lights and laughter that danced through the air. A few feet away from the packed dance floor, Regulus leaned against the wall, nursing his drink and watching the crowd. He felt out of place, Barty, Evan, Pandora, and Dorcas scattered among the swarm of partygoers. Across the room, James stood in the center of a group of people, forcing laughter so believable that it almost made him believe it, too. Neither of them had noticed each other, though it would be a lie to say they hadn't thought of one another. Regulus glanced up, caught James' eye, and after a moment's hesitation, he approached.

“Hey,” Regulus said, his voice barely audible over the music. “You look like you need a break from the chaos.”

James raised an eyebrow, surprised but amused. He finally allowed his mask smile to go and he relaxed a little. The group of people had fizzled off, finding new sources of entertainment. “Yeah, it’s a bit much. You’re not exactly in your element.” Regulus chuckled, partially forced, partially genuine, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Yeah, parties aren’t really my thing. I was just looking for a place to hide, but I couldn't stay holed up in my dorm forever.”

“I'm supposed to love parties, but honestly they're so draining. But not exactly sure how I can get out of having them with Sirius as my best mate.” James started. "I do like them, I'm definitely much better with people than on my own."

"You typically seem much more outgoing during these parties, what's different tonight?" Regulus brought himself to ask. The question of 'what's different' as opposed to 'what's wrong' was strangely significant and greatly appreciated.

"Guess I'm not entirely sure, just been a weird couple of weeks." They fell into an easy conversation, the music fading into the background as they shared stories of their mutual awkwardness and recent difficulty, then graduated into an actual easy conversation surrounding favorite pranks and secret hobbies. Each laugh made the distance they'd been building between them throughout the years shrink, the initial awkwardness dissipating like the fog rolling in from the acres outside.

“Maybe we should create a party just for people who don't want to be at one,” Regulus joked, his eyes sparkling with mischief, not a frequent look for him. Conversations with James were... different for him. He didn't feel the need to be perfect and maintain intense and efficient language.

“Only if we can still dance,” James shot back, laughter bubbling between them as his hips swayed to the music blasting through the room. The two didn't say anything for a moment, letting the music captivate their thoughts.

All the young dudes

With the glasses

Carry the news

I want you

I want you in the front

As the night wore on, the party pulsed with energy, but for them, time seemed to stand still. They leaned closer, drawn into a bubble where the noise faded and all that mattered was their growing connection. “So, uh, do you ever think about…?” James started, hesitating as he searched for the right words and pausing to finish his drink. “You know, doing something unexpected?”

Now
Now, you're his friends
All the young dudes

Now you bring him down
'Cause I want him

Regulus met his gaze, sensing the weight behind the question, feeling bold. “Yeah, all the time. I think we both know what that could mean.”

Carry the news

I want him right here

Their eyes locked, the playful banter giving way to a deeper tension. The moment hung between them, electric and charged. Regulus' breath caught as James took a step closer, his heart racing. “Are we really going to do this?” Regulus whispered, a mixture of excitement and uncertainty in his voice.

Bring him, c'mon
Carry the news

Bring him

“Why not?” James replied softly, a smile teasing the corners of his mouth. With that, they closed the distance, leaning in slowly, the world around them blurring. Their lips met, tentative at first, then growing more confident as the kiss deepened, igniting a spark that neither had expected. The party continued around them, but in that moment, they were the only two people in the room, finally breaking through the barriers that had held them apart.

They stared at each other for a moment, as if looking into a mirror. A broken mirror to reflect their broken minds that no one else could ever understand.

Here you go
All the young dudes
I've wanted to do this for years

The party wrapped up, leaving a mix of laughter and remnants of empty cups scattered across the common room.

James stepped into his dorm, the cool night air from the open windows hitting him like a splash of cold water. His heart raced, replaying the kiss in his mind. He leaned against the wall, staring into the darkness outside, a whirlwind of emotions crashing over him. What just happened? He kissed Regulus. Another guy. His stomach flipped. Sure, there had always been a vague curiosity, but actually doing it felt monumental.

What would people think?

He ran a hand through his hair, pacing. He’d never considered himself anything but straight, and now everything felt complicated. A drunken yell from downstairs, Sirius. He had to go back down and clean up. What he couldn't clean up, was the mess he'd created with Regulus.

"How's the party, have fun?" Sirius asked loudly. James hesitated, glancing away as he thought. Should he tell them? Would he understand? No, he wouldn't understand. Not only was it another guy, it was Sirius' brother. He felt the weight of their expectations looming over him, and anxiety tightened in his chest. He never did answer that question.

Meanwhile, a mere couple hallways away, gripping the railing of the astronomy as if it would ground him. His mind raced, the kiss replaying in vivid detail. He'd never given much thought to his sexuality, obviously, he'd become aware of his liking for James, but he'd never acted upon it. Almost as if it wasn't true until something happened. But James made things different, he made him feel something—something that had made him brave enough to act on a fleeting impulse.

Panic washed over him. What if this changed everything? What if people found out? He took a deep breath, his heart pounding. He felt exposed, vulnerable, and oddly exhilarated all at once. He glanced at the stars above, avoiding the thoughts of how his family would react. He fumbled with his tie, absentmindedly thinking of James. Should he follow up? Ask what it meant? Or just pretend it never happened?

Definitely the last one.

James tossed a handful of trash away, pacing the common room some more. He could still feel Regulus' lips against his, the warmth and electricity coursing through him. The exhilaration warred with a rising tide of confusion. What would people say? What would his parents think? He couldn't even imagine how they’d react.

After a few minutes, he took a deep breath, sitting down to gather his thoughts. He needed clarity, but the only thing he felt certain about was that he wanted to talk to Regulus again.

-

The afternoon sun streamed through the curtains of James' bed, waking him up. Strangely enough, despite the amout he'd drank the night prior, he did not feel hungover in the slightest. Unlike his mates who he could already hear dealing with the aftermath nearby. Because of their delirious state, he didn't need to think of an excuse for why he left.

He climbed up the astronomy tower stairs before he could pause and talk himself out of it. He'd never been to the tower on a sunny weekend afternoon, it was much different than how it seemed at night. The sun showed through the large windows and stained glass portraits, casting dappled shadows on the stone wall Regulus leaned against. A light breeze rustled his hair, but he did not react.

“Can we talk about… you know, what happened?” James finally broke the silence, his voice barely above a whisper. He fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, avoiding Regulus' gaze though Regulus never turned to look at him.

Regulus sighed, his brow furrowing as he stared out at the sky, finding shapes in the white fluffy clouds. “I guess we have to. It’s been on my mind too.”

The memory of the kiss flooded back—a moment of unexpected closeness that had felt electric but left them both feeling confused and vulnerable. “It just felt… intense,” James continued, his voice wavering. “I didn’t expect it to happen like that.”

“Yeah, me neither,” Regulus admitted, finally turning to meet the other boy's eyes. “But now it feels complicated. Like, what does it mean? Was it just a drunken mistake?”

“I don’t know. What if we do like each other?"

Regulus felt a rush of warmth at the thought, but shame quickly followed. "I mean, what if we’re just kidding ourselves? What if it was just a moment?”

“Or what if it wasn’t?” James shot back, frustration creeping into his tone. He couldn't just let this go. It did mean something to him. It meant a lot to him. “What if we do like each other? Why is that so hard to admit?”

“Because it’s scary!” Regulus admitted in an exclaim, the tension bubbling over. “We’ve both been through so much. I don’t want to ruin something by trying to make it into something more. You're my brother's best mate, I live with people who definitely won't approve of this or even me knowing you!”

James clenched his fists, emotions churning inside him. “So you’d rather just pretend it didn’t happen? Like we’re just friends who happened to kiss?”

Regulus' heart raced, a mix of anger and hurt washing over him. “I don’t want to pretend! But I also don’t want to be in a relationship when we’re both struggling with our own stuff. If I can't even care for myself and let myself in, how am I supposed to the same for you?”

“And you think I’m fine?” James snapped, his voice rising. “You've seen me face my problems, I've seen yours, I’m tired of feeling like I can’t be honest about how I feel because I’m scared it’ll push you away!”

“I’m scared too!” Regulus shouted back, his hands shaking. “I don’t want to feel like I’m dragging you down. We both need to figure out our own problems before we can even think about being together!”

“Maybe we could help each other!” James shot back, his eyes flashing with frustration. “But you’re so hell-bent on shutting me out. Why is it so hard for you to let someone in?” Regulus felt the weight of James' words, the truth stinging.

“Because I’m ashamed, okay? I’m ashamed of feeling this way, and I don’t want to be a burden to you! You deserve better!”

“Better than what? Better than a messy, complicated relationship?” James' voice cracked, emotion spilling over. “We’re both messy and complicated! That’s part of being human!”

“I don’t know if I can do this!” Regulus yelled, his breath quickening. “I don’t know how to be what you need!”

“Maybe all I need is you!" He blurted. "I don’t need anything from you! Maybe I just wanted to be honest, but you’re too scared to even try! I know you've wanted this, longer than I've wanted this. So how come you can't let yourself have what you want?” James' expression hardened, hurt flashing in his eyes. The air crackled with anger and pain, each boy retreating into his own hurt. The realization that they both cared yet were too afraid to show it hung heavily between them.

“I can’t do this right now,” Regulus said, his voice trembling. “I need some space.”

“Fine,” James replied, bitterness lacing his tone. “Maybe space is what we both need... but just so you know, hiding from this is only going to benefit you if you plan on getting worse.”

Regulus finally turned and looked at him, mouth sewn shut but his face gave all the answer James needed, so he continued. "Pushing everything away digs you into a deeper hole and you won't be able to get back out. And I get it, you think that going the shorter distance will make you feel better, 'at least rock bottom is flat ground for me to sit on', right? Everything I've learned from what I'm going through is that it is basically impossible to recover alone."

Regulus didn't look at him again. Whether the blunt statement had caused an epiphany, he was ashamed, confused, or if he'd even been able to register what James had called out, was unable to be seen. As they sat in silence, the sun dipped lower in the sky, casting long shadows that mirrored the distance growing between them. The connection they once shared now felt like a fragile thread, fraying under the weight of unacknowledged feelings and mental struggles. Neither boy knew how to bridge the gap, leaving them both lost in their own turmoil.

Chapter Text

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you finished your essay for class?" He froze. He had completely forgotten about writing an essay on vulnerability assigned the week before. He had done fairly well on the past few, but he knew this one would not go well. This was what he was the first at putting into words.

"Umm, not yet. I'll work on it now I suppose." James mumbled. He grabbed a few of his books and headed to the library to think better. Remus had offered to join, but James declined. This was not something he could work out aloud."

-

In the dim light of the library, James sat at his cluttered table, the plain parchment staring back at him. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so exposed just sitting alone.

Nearly an hour passed, a few attempts scatted around him, though nothing that made it longer than a line or two. Suddenly, he jumped. A voice behind him.

"Prongs, dinner. Want to head down?" Sirius asked, standing beside James who hurriedly covered the essay in front of him.

"Sorry, essay due tomorrow. Completely forgot about it."

"Need any help?" James shook his head immediately. "Yeah and I bet that's why you have nothing written after being here for an hour. Let me help a little. I promise I won't judge whatever you choose to write, it's an embarrassing topic, that's why he picked it for us... he wants us to get used to being uncomfortable or something." James turned with confusion. "I asked him about it during the forgiveness one, and on this one... I begged him to let me skip it but he insisted I could do it. That's why I said I hated him for so long."

">... Okay, all right. You can stay. But don't you want to get dinner first?"

"It's funny that you're so worried about me eating, but you also will be missing dinner and that doesn't bother you." Sirius stated, James opened his mouth to reply but finally resorted to silence.

It stayed silent for a little, but after James crumpled another piece of parchment, Sirius sighed. “C’mon, mate, just write about that time you got dumped by Lily, you were a wreck for weeks!”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to relive that,” James muttered, running a hand through his hair. The memory of that breakup, the way it had felt like the ground had dropped out from under him, was still fresh. The vulnerability that came with it made his stomach churn. “Can’t I write about something else?”

“Like what? Getting in trouble with Minnie for the fourth time this week?” Sirius shot back with a laugh. “That’s not exactly heart-wrenching, dude.”

James glared at him, the tension palpable in the room. “It’s not just about the breakup. It’s about... feeling exposed. Like everyone’s watching you, and you’re just standing there, naked.”

“All right, All right, I get it. But everyone has moments like that. It’s part of being human,” Sirius said, his voice calming. He leaned forward on the table, throwing the quill he'd been fiddling with aside. “Just think about it. I know you're going to hate me for suggesting this, but some of your recent moments? With Regulus? And your anxiety?” He said the word so quietly it was almost as if he figured that the mere mentioning would send him into a complete panic attack. And he wasn't entirely far off as James felt his face heat up instantly.

James sighed, staring blankly at the essay. “I guess... I could. I should. It's just I can't bring myself to say it. It makes it feel so real when I finally admit it." He rested his head on the table, he smell of old books hung in his face, a mix of dust and polished wood.

“Just pick one of the moments,” Sirius replied, following suit and laying on the table as well, his pencil tapping out a rhythm that matched James' racing heartbeat. “You’re overthinking it again.”

James shook his head, glancing at the blank page in front of him. “I can’t. I hate feeling vulnerable. It’s like walking around in a glass box, and everyone can see right through you.” His voice was barely above a whisper, thick with anxiety.

Sirius leaned in, his eyes bright with understanding. “What about the most recent time? Our godawful plan for trying to get you to open up to us? You had that panic attack, and we finally saw you. Like truly, saw you. That’s pretty vulnerable, right?”

James grimaced, the memory flooding back—heart racing, breath coming in quick bursts, the room spinning as panic echoed around him. “Yeah, but… I don’t want to relive that. It made things awkward for days. I hate that you saw me like that.”

“But that’s part of it,” Sirius urged, leaning closer. “You’re not just writing about what happened; you’re showing how it felt. Maybe it’s time you let people in on what you deal with.” The weight of his words settled on James' chest, heavy but strangely comforting. He chewed on his lip, staring at the blank page that felt more like a chasm than a canvas and shrugged.

“Just think about it,” Sirius said, a soft encouragement in his voice. “What if you wrote about how it felt when we finally saw? How it felt to know you weren’t alone, even in that moment?” A flicker of realization sparked in his mind. It wasn’t just the panic that gripped him; it was the fear of being seen, of being exposed. Perhaps this could be more than just an essay. Maybe it was a chance to voice the feelings he usually buried deep inside. Taking a deep breath, he scribbled a tentative title, 'The Weight of Eyes'. His heart raced as he started to write, words coming to him quickly.

As the words flowed, James felt a strange sense of relief, as if each line was lifting a weight from his shoulders. But then the thought hit him, like a punch to the gut. What if his family could read this? Would they understand? Would they care?

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Sirius asked, instantly noticing James' change in demeanor.

“I need to tell my family,” James blurted out, his voice steadying with conviction. “About everything. About the panic attacks, about how hard it is sometimes. They think I’m fine, but I’m not.”

Sirius grinned, pride lighting up his face. “That’s a huge step, man. I think they’ll be proud of you for being honest.”

“And… and maybe I can make amends with Regulus too,” James said, recalling the fight that had erupted between him and the other boy just yesterday. “After the party yesterday we kind of... got in an argument. We were both just so quick to defensiveness over our situations it sort of took over us. I need to apologize.”

Sirius nodded vigorously. “Exactly! You’re not alone in this. You have to let people in.” James smiled, feeling a flicker of hope. He returned to the page, his hand moving faster now, the ink pooling with honesty and courage. As he wrote, he felt the grip of vulnerability shifting—no longer something to fear, but a bridge to connection. With each word, he was not just telling a story; he was reclaiming his voice. The library faded away, and for the first time in a long time, James felt a spark of strength illuminating the path ahead. he paused, staring at the final sentence. The tension that had been knotted in his stomach loosened, a sense of relief washing over him. “I think I’ve got it,” he said, a hint of a smile breaking through.

“See? You’re a pro!” Sirius grinned, clapping him on the back. “Now you just have to bring in tomorrow. And whenever you want to talk to your parents, or even if you need me for the Regulus stuff, just let me know."

-

On Regulus' end, he was faced with the upcoming school break. Everyone was looking forward to returning home for a few weeks, aside from him. He couldn't go back into that house. He knew how badly he wanted to get better, he wanted to see James, he wanted to have a brother again. And none of that would happen once he goes home again.

"Reg! How are you, mate?" Evan asked as his friends entered the common room. "We're thinking of a party tonight, one even better than Gryffindor's."

"I mean... are you sure you want the whole school in our tower? That's not very-"

"I know they aren't your favorite, but you can just hang with us. It'll be fun, I promise." Barty pressed. And this time, Regulus didn't protest any farther as he knew that regardless of his thoughts the party would still happen and regardless of if he agreed to stay with them the whole time he'd end up alone. It wasn't his friends fault for the last bit, he will separate himself from them naturally throughout the night.

The common room had been transformed in the span of a few hours, alive with color and sound. Strings of fairy lights crisscrossed overhead, casting a warm glow against the walls, definitely the work of Pandora. Music thumped from a corner, and laughter bounced off the concrete, creating a symphony of youthful energy. But for Regulus, standing at the entrance with his hands shoved deep into his pockets, it all felt overwhelming.

“I can’t believe you let me talk you into this,” Barty muttered to Regulus, bouncing on the balls of his feet beside him, practically vibrating with excitement. “Come on! This is gonna be epic! Everyone’s here. You’ll have fun once you loosen up.”

He swallowed hard. Being told that 'everyone's here' actually did not want to make him 'loosen up' believe it or not. “You say that, but I can already feel the walls closing in.” He glanced around, spotting familiar faces milling about, most of whom seemed so comfortable in their skin. The thought of joining them made his stomach churn.

Barty rolled his eyes but didn’t push. “Just give it a chance, okay? You might surprise yourself.” With a reluctant sigh, Regulus stepped off of the wall. The noise enveloped him, and he tried to focus on the good vibes. He made his way to the group of his friends, the creators of this dreaded event, getting handed a drink by one of them. He wasn't typically fond of drinking, he had seen what it can do to a person and he knew that he was very likely the type of person to follow that path, so he was often good about stearing clear. But all he wanted was one night of fun before he returned home and lost yet another part of his childhood and personality. He placed the cup to his lips, taking in the silence it filled his mind with. But his peace was short-lived when he caught sight of James across the room.

Regulus froze. The boy he had fought with just days ago—someone he had shared something special with before it all went south—standing there, a drink in hand, chatting with his friends. With his brother.

“Hey, there's James, you two hit it off last party, go say hi to him.” Pandora suggested, as if reading Regulus' thoughts.

“No, I really don’t want to,” He replied, shaking his head. “Not after everything that happened.”

Pandora raised an eyebrow. “You can’t avoid him forever. You both need to sort it out.”

“Why do you care so much?” Regulus snapped, frustration bubbling over. “This isn’t about you.”

“I care because I’m your friend and I hate seeing you like this,” Pandora said, her tone serious as she remained unphased by Regulus' sudden outburst. “You need closure, Regulus. You deserve to talk to him.”

With a heavy sigh, Regulus relented. “Fine. But I'm doing this on my own.”

Pandora finally agreed to stay back and watched him cross the room, each step feeling heavier. When he reached James, the other boy looked up, surprise flashing across his face.

“Regulus,” James said, his voice steady but the tension in his posture unmistakable.

Regulus replied with a slight smile and an even more awkward wave, his throat dry. He could feel Pandora's eyes hovering nearby, a silent support. There was an awkward silence before he figured it was time to make things happen. He deserved closure. That's what this was, not building things back up so they could have something, closure. One final true moment before he faced a week of hearing his future being made for him by his family. “I didn’t think you’d come.”

“Neither did I,” James admitted, a hint of a smile breaking through his anxiety. “Sirius dragged me here and I knew I was supposed to come.” Regulus didn't press on what that meant, gathering an idea that it was more of a mental force than a physical one. "So, what're you doing here?"

“Trying to survive my friend's terrible party,” Regulus said with a half-hearted chuckle. “You?”

James sighed. “Same. Not that your friend's party is terrible, its great. I mean, I bet it's great for everyone else. I'm not the one to decide... also if the parties by your dorm, why don't you just go up to your dorm?"

"I'm trying to have fun. Not exactly looking forward to going home this week." Regulus mumbled in reply. He knew how much James was already aware of in his family which strangely enough made him fairly comfortable with elaborating.

"I get it, it’s been rough. I’m sorry about how we left things.”

“Me too,” Regulus said quickly. “I didn’t mean to—”

“I know,” James interrupted. “I just… I thought we had something, but then everything spiraled.”

Regulus nodded, the weight of their shared struggles settling between them. “Yeah, it was hard for both of us. I guess we were just scared. I wish I knew how to explain it better, or handle it better, or... do something about this better.”

“I was scared too,” James admitted, his gaze dropping. “I didn’t handle it well. I wish I had just talked to you instead of letting my feelings turn into anger. Can we start over?"

“Definitely,” Regulus replied, a genuine smile breaking through the tension. They spent the next hour talking, laughing, and sharing stories as the party buzzed around them. Regulus felt the weight of his anxiety lift, just a little. It felt good to reconnect, to remember that they could be friends again. He lost track of time as they joked about school, shared favorite moments, and laughed at inside jokes that felt like they hadn’t lost their significance.

But as the drinks flowed, the party took on a life of its own. Regulus found himself sipping on yet another beer, the alcohol warming him from the inside out, dulling the edges of his anxiety. He felt freer, lighter, and for a moment, he forgot the shadows that usually lingered at the back of his mind. Eventually, he realized he had lost count on the amount he had drank, the unsettling guilt of it coming over him.

"Sorry, I need to talk to my friends quickly." He blurted out quickly. His friends were thankfully all together, the three of them talking, partially drunk, but thankfully still in their senses enough

"Everything good, Reggie?" Barty asked.

"Fine... think I've just drank too much."

"I know that feeling. Think there's a handful of non-alcoholic ones up in the dorm if we should make the switch for all our guests?" Evan asked.

Regulus climbed the creaking stairs, the music fading to a dull thrum as he walked into the dimly lit dormitory. He reached for the doorknob, but something felt off. The shadows shifted in the corners of his vision, and for a moment, he hesitated. As he stepped inside, Regulus stared in the mirror and for a brief moment, as he turned his head, he almost caught a glimpse of someone else instead.regulus stared in the mirror and for a brief moment, as he turned his head, he almost caught a glimpse of someone else instead.

He was overtired, drunk, and it was dark, but he saw the resemblance. The resemblance that he always heard. He looked just like his parents. A spitting image of his mother and father combined. He tried to pretend he didn’t see it, but it was impossible. The face that looked back at him twisted in a way that made his stomach drop—it was his mother, her eyes filled with fury, her mouth curled in a sneer.

He sat on the edge of his bed, his heart racing, an oppressive weight pressing down on his chest. The familiar sounds of shouting echoed from the common room, each raised voice making him flinch. A reminder of the chaos he was trapped in, despite being at hogwarts, he felt more stuck in grimmald place than ever. it was a soundtrack of fear that played on repeat, and today it felt louder than ever. Regulus clenched his fists, feeling the sharpness of his nails digging into his palms. He wanted to scream, to break free, but the walls felt like they were closing in on him. Every time he thought about leaving his home, his mind screamed back, “you can’t. you’re not safe out there.”

He ran a hand through his hair, trying to breathe, to force calmness into his racing thoughts, but it was as if the air around him was too thick to draw in. Memories of past confrontations flickered through his mind—his father’s anger, his mother’s punishments, the helplessness that wrapped around him like a suffocating blanket. Suddenly, the wave of panic hit. It felt like he was being pulled under, drowning in an ocean of despair. His hands shook violently as he pressed them against his temples, trying to silence the storm inside.

“Not again," he whispered, tears pricking at his eyes. “Please no,”

Downstairs, Barty, Evan, and Pandora had been waiting for him. They exchanged worried glances, the tension thick in the air. “Do you think we should go up?”

Barty shrugged in response “What if something’s wrong? He was already so wasted,”

“Reg!” evan called, knocking gently on the door. “Found them okay?”

“Just go away!” Reglus shouted from inside, his voice raw. He couldn’t let his friends near him. They’d be talking to someone dangerous. He was just like his family. They didn’t deserve to have to deal with him. Pandora flinched at the door, helpless. “Think we should go in?”

“We have to,” Barty insisted, adrenaline coursing through him.

“What if we make it worse?” Pandora pondered.

Inside, Regulus was spiraling. He pressed his palms against his eyes, trying to block out everything—the noise, the fear, the memories—but it was all too loud. “Regulus!” Evan yelled again, more frantic this time. “We’re coming in!” But Regulus couldn’t hear over the party and his inner thoughts. Every time he moved he saw his parents in the mirror. He had to get them off. Before he could think, he punched the mirror before him, knocking it from the wall and shattering at his feet. Pain seared through his fist, he could barely feel it. They cast the door open as the glass flew from the mirror, rushing the boy’s side. He was pale, gasping for breath, his eyes wide and glassy.

“Oh my god,” Pandora breathed. She knelt next to him. “Reggie, please, look at me. Breathe with me, okay? Just like we practiced. In… and out.” But he was lost, his breathing erratic. Barty quickly looked around, desperately searching for a way to help.

“I’m getting your brother, he’ll know what to do.” Regulus jumped, feverishly shaking his head in denial. “I’m sorry, it’s the only way to help you.”

Barty ran back to the party, where Sirius stood with James. The sound of glass breaking interrupted their conversation. "What's going on up there?" Sirius wondered out loud.

"I dunno, but Regulus just went up there I'm pretty sure." James replied, considering if he should tell Sirius about he situation with his brother. He finally decided it was the right thing to do. "Listen, Pads. There's something going on right now with Regulus and I-"

"Sirius! Regulus needs you. Upstairs." Barty ran over, interrupting the conversation. Sirius lept to his feet and towards the dorm. James went to follow him, but Barty held hand out. "Sorry, we haven't ruled out that you're not the cause of this."

Barty and Sirius rushed up the stairs, leaving James there alone. He couldn't help but figure it was his fault. They'd been having a good time but suddenly everything was going bad again. It was all his fault.

As they waited for Sirius, Evan continued to speak “You’re safe with us, Reg. Focus on my voice. Remember the breathing?” Regulus’ breath growing more frantic, Pandora placed her hand on his back, trying to ground him, but he seemed miles away. He struggled to nod in response to Evan, the panic still wrapping around him like a vice.

“I... can’t breathe,” he stammered, his voice breaking.

“You can do this. Just try to match my breath,” Pandora urged, inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly. “In… and out.”

Finally, Sirius burst through the door. His presence was commanding yet comforting, instantly filling the room with a sense of safety. “Hey, Reggie,” he said softly, kneeling beside Regulus. “I’m here. You’re not alone.”

Regulus looked up, his eyes welling with tears. "I don’t know what to do. It’s too much.”

“I know it feels overwhelming, but you’re safe here. Can you try to explain?”

“She’s here…” he struggled out. Sirius’ concern grew to confusion. “In me.”

Recognition crossed Sirius’ face. “No, she’s not. you are your own person. you are not one of them.”

“She is, she’s in me. And when she’s not in me, I'm with her.” He repeated frantically. The fear washed over him like a tidal wave, crashed into each of breaths. Gradually, he slowly began to catch his breath, but he was still frantic nonetheless. Until finally he began to focus on his brother’s voice, the familiar rhythm pulling him back from the edge. He felt the warmth of Panda's hand on his back and Barty and Evan's presence close by, solid and unwavering. With each breath, the chaos began to recede.

“You’re doing great,” Evan encouraged, watching as Regulus' breaths started to even out. “It’s okay to feel scared, but you’re strong. You can get through this.”

As the panic subsided, Regulus felt the weight on his chest lift, if only slightly. He leaned into Sirius' side, grateful for the support, for the understanding. “I just… I feel so stuck,” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Then leave,"

"How?"

"Just don't go back. You can do it." Regulus struggled through a nod as James finally entered the room, Barty opening the door for him.

"Hey, Sirius. What I was trying to get through earlier was about how Regulus I... we sort of, want to be together. But I know it's not exactlt something you'd find good and I-"

"That's amazing." The two of them looked up in shock. "I'm glad it's you two... I think."

-

The train ride home was strange. James was trying to find a way to tell his parents about his problems and his new boyfriend and Regulus was trying to do the exact opposite. When the train arrived at the marvelous King's Cross Station, all Regulus had to do was follow his new family.