Archive of Our Own ^beta

Don't Give Up On Me

“I can't do this anymore.”

Words he never thought he would say.

He never thought it would be this hard. He knew it was his own doing – he did this, he was the cause of the pain, but he never could've predicted just how much it would hurt. He also never anticipated that he’d see her with another man – not for a long while, at least. He had no right to be angry or upset – he broke up with her – but seeing her with some guy, laughing, smiling, looking happy for the first time in three months fucking hurt more than he could ever imagine. 

Daniel tapped anxiously on the bar top, waiting for his to-go order to be ready. He couldn't be here. He couldn't stand there and watch as the woman he still loved be happy with someone else. Vala hadn’t spotted him yet and he hoped it stayed that way. While he hated the idea of her with another man, he did want her to be happy – he’d just been silently hoping she’d stay single forever. 

But that was a naive hope. There’s no way someone like Vala Mal Doran would be alone forever. 

As his luck would have it, the same time his food came out was the moment she glanced his way. He hated the way her entire body froze up, how all joy was immediately wiped from her face, leaving the same heartache he was experiencing as well. He stared longer than he should have, but fuck did he miss her. He barely resisted the urge to punch the guy’s face when he touched her, bringing her out of her daze. 

He took the opportunity to escape. He wasn't a glutton for punishment. The cold air of the night hit him the second he stepped outside, and he felt himself taking his first breath since he saw her. How could doing the right thing hurt so damn much?

o0o

“Hey, you okay?”

Vala felt her friend touch her arm in concern, breaking her from her frozen state. “No,” she whispered hoarsely. She shouldn’t care about the hurt and betrayed expression he had. She shouldn't feel a need to justify herself, but she did. A pressure in her chest built up and she couldn't ignore it. “Excuse me for a minute.”

She wasn't even aware of what she was doing until she was out of her seat and following Daniel out the door. She expected him to be long gone by the time she exited the restaurant, but he'd barely moved five feet from the door. 

Immediately, she saw he was struggling, and the rather large part of her who still cared wanted nothing more than to comfort him. Seeing him so upset gave the naive part of her hope – hope that things weren't as unrepairable as they looked. She shouldn't want to, but seeing just as miserable as her, she felt compelled to calm his fears. 

“Daniel,” she said in a soft tone, hating the way he stiffened, “it’s not wha–”

“Didn't take you too long to move on from me, huh?” he interjected bitterly. 

She reared back, his words feeling like a slap. “Excuse me?” her voice hardened, and her arms crossed.

Daniel took a quick peek at her. “I'm just saying, three months and you've already moved on.”

Now her hackles were raised. “Don't do that,” she practically spat out. “You don't get to break up with me without telling me why, leave the fucking planet for a month, have Landry restrict my access so I couldn't even know if you were okay, much less alive, refuse to speak to me or even be in the same room as me for months, and then turn me into some cold hearted bitch!”

It was his turn to feel the verbal slap. She took no joy in hurting him, but she would not be turned into the villain here. “Vala –”

“You're the one who ended things!” Vala shouted in frustration, anger, and pain. “You don't get to be jealous. You don't get a say in my personal life anymore. You don't get to tell me not to at least attempt to get over you!”

“You seem to be doing just fine!” he yelled back, and gestured violently to the restaurant. “I thought I meant more to you than that!”

Was he serious? She swore she felt her heart break even more. “You may have been able to get over me so quickly, Daniel Jackson,” she began in a cold hard voice, “but if you think a mere three months is enough for me to move on from the only man I’ve ever truly loved, then you don't know a damn thing about me. I’m never going to stop, and that’s what's slowly killing me.”

o0o

He regretted the second the words passed his lips. He let a side of him he tended to ignore get the better and resulted in hurting the woman he loved – would always love. He hated that he felt nothing but relief to find that despite everything, she still loved him. If he was a better man, he would have wished her to move on and find someone who clung to past fears – so much so, it resulted in him making probably the biggest mistake of his life. 

Daniel wished he was stronger. All it took for him to scurry back into the hole he hid himself in for ten plus years was for one stray staff blast from friendly fire hitting Vala. After watching Sha’re and Janet die in a very familiar fashion, he was beyond traumatized – whatever that was – and seeing Vala get hit just like that, actually die for a few seconds before Dr. Lam was able to bring her back, was the last straw. 

He couldn't do it. He couldn't lose another woman he loved. He couldn’t go off world with her and be okay with the thought that she might not survive the next mission. There was no way he would ever ask her to give up ‘gate travel – she loved it way too much. Combined with his track record, he had done the next logical thing. 

He broke up with her. 

His trail of thought was to distance himself from her – he was a magnet of bad luck and maybe this way, she’d stay alive. As much as it hurt, he could live with the knowledge that she was alive and would stay alive – because he needed her to live. 

Daniel was doing this for her – even if she didn't know it. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered in shame. 

Anger melted from Vala, leaving only raw pain. “You promised,” she whimpered. “You promised we were worth the risk. You promised me I wouldn’t lose the most important person in my life.”

He felt like his heart was being crushed into a thousand pieces. “Vala –”

“You broke that promise – you lied to me and you won’t even tell me why!” She swiped furiously at the tears trying to escape. “You–” she stopped and bit her lip. “You’re just like them.”

Daniel didn't know she could say anything worse, but then she went and compared him to the likes of Jacek and every guy who let her down – that cut him deeper than anything. “I’m sorry,” he whispered again, brokenhearted. “But I’m doing this for you. It’s better this way.”

Vala scoffed and hugged herself in comfort. “Better for who, Daniel? Better for you,” she accused. “You made a decision about my life without even consulting me. You don’t get to decide what’s best for me!”

Why couldn’t she understand? “I’m trying to protect you!” he practically yelled, not caring about the random bystanders. “I can’t –” he stopped, feeling pressure behind his eyes. “I can’t lose you,” he whispered vehemently. 

Understanding dawned on her face. “I am not Sha’re,” she hissed. “I am not Janet either. I have survived those same exact situations more times than I can count. I am stronger than Sha’re. I’m a better warrior than Janet. I am a survivor – that's what I do. Survive.”

Daniel knew all of that – he’d known it for a long time, but… “You got shot,” he said in a thick voice, a lump forming at the reminder. “You died, Vala. I-I can't go through that again.”

Vala became uncertain. She glanced around her briefly before moving closer. “I’ll leave the team,” she volunteered, meaning it in every way possible without a hint of hesitation or regret. 

He was already shaking his head. “ No,” he rejected. “You love the team – you thrive on the team. I’m not allowing you to do that.”

Full of determination, she came right up to his face. “You don’t get to tell me what to do,” she stated firmly and poked him in the chest. “You don’t get to decide my future for me. Yes, I love the team, but I love you fucking more, okay?”

“I can’t ask you to do that.” As much as he wanted to, he would never . 

“I didn't hear you asking,” she retorted. “Daniel, yes I’ll miss it, but some things are more important – and this is one thing I know I’ll never regret. Not as long as I have you.” 

Leaving her was a mistake – one he knew he was making, but ultimately believed it was for the best. As silly as it sounded, he felt cursed – every woman he fell for ended badly. He didn't want to taint her – ruin her. But she was right – there was no one like her.

Vala Mal Doran was extraordinary. She was cut from a cloth no one else even knew existed. She was like no one else and it wasn't fair to compare her to the other women in his life. She had survived every situation the women of his past had succumbed to. She had talents, abilities, and a fighter's spirit that none he knew could rival. Once she set her mind to something, it was impossible for her not to succeed or get what she wanted.

He felt himself waning, even more so when she cupped his face. “Am I worth the risk, darling?”

His forehead fell against hers. “You always were,” he confessed. “I just don't know if I'm strong enough.”

“You are.” She sounded so sure – so confident. 

“But –”

“Do you still love me?” she cut off his rebuttal.

Daniel sighed and surrendered. “Of course, I do. I'll never stop.”

Vala smiled smally. “Then it's a start,” she mumbled. “We will make this work.” He held in a smile at her demanding tone. “But you need to talk to someone about this self-destructive behavior. It's not healthy, darling – for either of us.”

It wasn't the first time it had been suggested and it probably wouldn't be the last. He wanted nothing more than to deny it, find a way to keep avoiding it, but if he wanted her in his life, this was the sacrifice he had to make – in the grand scheme of things, it was minuscule, so he thanked his lucky stars for that.

“Okay,” he agreed.

Vala’s smile grew. “Good,” she mumbled before grabbing his hand. “Take me home.”

Home. With her, he already was.

The End.