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“I am dreaming or that's you, Harrington?”
Steve suddenly raised his head. It was like he was seeing a ghost of the past.
“Billy?” He said.
Billy Hargrove put the coffee he had ordered on the table, holding the tray.
For both of them, the other was the last person they had expected to see there, in a cafe in the campus in Chicago, on a spring Friday at 5 pm.
“Who bailed you, Harrington?” Said Billy later, at the second cup Steve ordered, an hour and a half later.
Steve looked at the basketball match tickets he had in his hands. She wasn’t anything really, they met in class and started talking, and Steve invited her to the cafeteria two hours before. It was evident that she wouldn’t come.
“Are you busy, Hargrove?”
They arrive a little late to the match, but anyway, Steve had a good time. He didn’t really follow college basketball, but the girl seemed interested in his team captain past, so it seemed a good idea to him.
Billy seemed happy, though, he was screaming and cheering, and he gave him a beautiful smile when he passed him the beer he bought for him.
Steve had observed Hargrove in the cafe, while he was serving at the tables: he was still muscled as in high school, the blonde curls tied back in a bun and, maybe, a little less tanned, his blue eyes and his signature mocking grin like he remembered.
It was almost four years since the last time they saw each other, and a lot of things had changed. Steve was changed and he had discovered things about him, and then he accepted those things, thinking he had left behind the bigot atmosphere of a little midwest city.
Hargrove seemed changed too, his voice was less sharp, when he greeted him before. He seemed really surprised to see him, and maybe a little pleased. He didn’t seem so abrasive when Steve explained briefly that the girl bailed him.
“I worked after graduation… and I traveled a little. I saved for college, but last year I won a scholarship”.
Steve nodded. It was strange they never crossed the campus last year, but Steve wasn’t exactly regular to class. He will be a senior next year and frankly he couldn't say he killed himself studying.
“Well, I‘m here,” Billy stopped in front of his dorm’s door, biting his lips and looking to the ground.
“I had a good time. Thanks for saving me from the shame of being bailed, Billy,” Steve smiled.
“At your service, princess,” Billy answered, regaining for a second the bitchy glimpse he had for Steve in high school.
“Maybe we can grab a drink sometimes?” Steve teased.
Billy nodded lightly. “Why not,” he looked at him with an unreadable expression, something between uncertainty and expectancy. “You know where to find me”.
“Of course. Good night, see you”, Steve waved and went away when Billy closed the door.
Billy stayed a little leaning on the door, catching his breath. Harrington, the last person he thought to see in Chicago, or anywhere. And he was desperate to kiss him goodnight.
They went out for that drink an evening of the same week, reconnecting a little and talking about the good old times; then Steve invited Billy to play basketball with his friends, in the park near his shared apartment, where they often threw parties for the girls too. Steve always invited him, but Billy didn’t always feel comfortable. He wasn’t officially out but his preferences weren't a secret for his closest friends, who were really little at the campus anyway.
The cafeteria hosted a lot of lgbt events and it didn’t bother him, but for the first time in ages he started feeling uncomfortable again, when he was with Harrington and his gang of college studs, with their gross jokes and posters of boobs. He returned to feel like that scared boy at the high school, worried inside not to seem too queer.
Steve smiled friendly at him, and Billy felt he was lying to him because he still liked him like in high school, and, although he smoothed a lot his temper, he started feeling some of that old rage of a caged animal; he didn’t want to lose Steve but he didn’t want to lie to him either.
“It’s all ok, Billy?”
“Yes, why?” Damn, he probably answered too fast.
“It seems you are avoiding me, lately,” Steve frowned. Billy declined all his invitations in the last two weeks. Steve had to catch him at work to talk to him. “Did I do something?”
“No,” Billy collected the cups from the bar, without looking at him. “I was just busy”.
“You sure?”
Billy nodded.
“Did you find a girlfriend?” Joked Steve, trying to make him talk. They were not so close he expected Billy to tell him all his life, but he felt a little neglected.
“Of course not, Harrington,” Billy answered drily. The moment was valid as any other. “It would be a boyfriend, in any case,” he deliberately avoided Steve’s eyes and kept washing the plates.
Steve stayed silent for a moment, processing his words, probably.
“And…” Steve stretched out a little to him.
“No. No boyfriend,” said Billy blushing.
“So you’re free for a drink?”
“What?” Billy was surprised and looked at Steve in the face: he didn’t seem disgusted or bothered by his confession.
“If you’re not avoiding me and you’re not dating anyone, I guess we can go out together, when you finish here”.
“Like…”
“Just a drink, if you want. You’re not avoiding me, right?”
Billy frowned, confused, but he had to nod. He had to be able to be just friends with Steve, he was an adult. Now Steve knew everything about him and still wanted to be with him, it was a progress.
They were sitting together on Steve's sofa, playing video games. Billy wasn’t really good but he enjoyed the ritual with the other guys, they’re playing with one of Steve’s roommates, another senior with whom Steve has been living since their freshmen year. They mocked him a little, as usual, when he dumbly lost the match.
“Do you want something more?” Said the guy pointing at the empty bottles on the table.
“Oh yes, thanks, a beer for me. Billy?”
“Why not. Do you need help?”
“No, thanks, I’ll be back in a minute”, he disappeared to the kitchen.
“I’m really useless at this, don’t you think?”
“Nah, it’s just you don’t have muscular memory. We've been playing since we were kids”.
Billy pursed his lips, and nodded. His father never allowed him to own or play video games.
Billy chuckled and threw the controller, resting his head on the armrest; Steve smiled at him and got nearer, lightly touching Billy’s knee with his own; Billy felt goosebumps in his nape, but didn’t move his leg, watching Steve lying a little on him.
“Can you believe it?” whispered Steve, near his ear. “We, sitting here like friends. Would you ever have imagined it, back in Hawkins?”
Billy shivered, but tried to smile too. “No, I never thought we could be…” his voice died on his lips, when Steve took his hand and intertwined their fingers. “…friends”.
Steve stared at his eyes, smiling sweetly, and moving insensibly towards him.
“Harrington, but you don’t…”
“Oh, yes, I do. I play in more than a team,” Steve smiled.
Billy held his breath, speechless. He squinted his eyes, because he couldn’t do differently.
“Here you are your beer, guys, sorry for the wait”.
Steve’s roommate came back from the kitchen and they moved apart abruptly.
Billy hid in the bathroom for several minutes; he couldn’t hear well, he was surely confused. Even if he could have feelings with Steve, he surely had misread the signals: they were just buddies.
“Billy?” Steve knocked on the door. “Are you ok?”
Billy opened the door after thirty seconds. “Yeah, sure,” he passed at Steve’s side without looking at him; Steve stopped him grabbing his arm.
“Billy, wait!”
Billy freezed and looked frantically at the corridor behind Steve, and Steve sighed.
“Oh… ok. Billy, don’t worry, they are…” Billy stiffened. Steve let him go but insisted on taking a walk with him.
On the way, he told Billy that he had coming to terms with his bisexuality just after graduation, when he was still in Hawkins and started dating Eddie Munson; Billy was frankly surprised, but he wasn’t able to let himself go and relax; and when they got nearer to the dorm, he was afraid of how they could say goodnight.
Apparently, Steve didn’t want to leave him so early, so he proposed to walk to the lake, and talk for a while more. Billy pursed his lips and nodded, frankly unable to leave Steve either.
They sat in a bench near the water, and they stayed there in silence, just listening to their thoughts going at a crazy speed; Steve sighed and reached his hand and brushed it softly; Billy leant in the touch for a fraction of second, but moved away immediately. Steve insisted and got a little near again, staring at his lips.
Billy cowed.
“Steve, I’m not…”
“I like you,” whispered Steve. “More than I expected, Billy, seriously”.
“I… I’m not… good at it. I’m not… ready”.
“But do you like me?”
Billy suddenly looked him in the eyes, blushing. He didn’t need to put it in words, and Steve smiled a little.
“There is no rush, Billy. Let's figure it out together, ok?”
Billy nodded, shivering a little. Steve smiled sweetly, caressing Billy’s cheek and nape. Billy let him push his head and closed his eyes.
Steve brushed his lips in a little kiss, but after a second, Billy moved his head. Every fiber of his body wanted to run away, but he forced himself to breath and calm down a little.
Billy leant his head on Steve’s shoulder, and Steve put his arm around him.
It was the first time in Billy’s life he felt safe and protected.
If Steve had a virtue, it was consistency. Billy was still afraid, but during this summer he couldn’t resist Steve's charms; he was caring, patient and loving, and Billy fell in love with him like he had never felt before. He was worried about Steve’s friends and roommates, but it wasn’t a big deal. They were cool when Billy started to sleep sometimes in Steve’s room; the dorm wasn’t exactly private, and Steve let him leave some of his things in the house.
“I love you,” said Steve one day, when they were walking by the lake. Billy liked that place, far from the noise of his job and of Steve’s apartment, when they could talk and take each other's hands and stay silent, if they felt like that.
Billy stayed silent, and Steve felt a little disappointed, although he tried to hide it. He took Billy’s hand instead, kissing it. He knew that Billy still had fear of not being enough, and he was determined to make him let his guard down.
“I love you,” whispered Billy one day, in november, cuddling in Steve’s bed. His voice was so low that Steve thought he was dreaming, but Billy hugged him tight, snuggling in his nape, and Steve knew it was true.
Steve graduated, and the months before his graduation were the happiest in Billy’s life: he felt loved and little by little he lost his fear to love; they had friends and they could look at their future with a little hope.
The only dark spot, that Billy saw late, was that his studies become more difficult, he felt mentally tired at the end of the academic year, and a little envious of Steve who already graduated and was finally ready to live his real life in the world outside. In a little, hidden corner of his mind, he was also afraid that Steve would want to go away and leave him behind.
He should have felt reassured when Steve accepted a job there in Chicago, in an office near the campus, and asked him to move in together. Billy was happy, obviously, but those intrusive thoughts didn’t go away.
They were not exactly short of money, but they didn’t have enough to waste; Billy kept his job although he took a bit longer to go there, and he also had to study hard for his graduation; Steve started to keep some double shifts to make more money, so they didn’t see each other often at home. Billy grew frustrated week by week. He knew that Steve had found some jobs in other cities, but he didn’t consider applying.
Billy had a constant headache when Steve came home at night after his double shift. Billy insisted on waiting for him and trying to study in the meantime; he didn’t have enough sleep because he had to wake up early for work and class, and he was always tired and irritated. Sometimes Steve came near to him in the bed, but four times out of five he pushed him away.
Steve tried to show him his affection and love anyway, but he wasn’t perfect either, and he felt frustrated; he started to talk less to Billy and search him less in the bed.
It was an hour and a half that Billy was trying to understand the page he was reading; he looked at the clock, past 1 in the morning and Steve wasn’t still at home. He knew he was working and they had the inventory those days, but he kept feeling unsure. He knew he wasn’t the best company in those weeks.
He heard the keys in the door and a loud sigh while Steve entered and took off the shoes.
“You’re still up?” said Steve sharply, looking at him with a tired look.
“I’m studying,” Billy answered with the same tone.
“You should have some sleep”.
Billy felt irritated by those words. He was waiting for Steve, after all.
“You could return home earlier,” he answered back without raising his eyes. He felt a familiar tickle in his neck. He felt short fused lately, and it wasn’t the first time they started an argument with the exact words.
Steve snorted. He too knew that would take them to an argument, but he was tired, he just wanted to sleep and he didn’t want to feel guilty for Billy's tiredness.
“I have to work, you know,” he snapped, fed up.
Billy closed his book. “What do you mean? Maybe I don’t have to work? I have to work and study those stupid things!” he stood suddenly, clenching his fists, fighting with the tears. He didn’t want to cry at that moment.
“I just said you may need more sleep”.
“And I said you can come home earlier”.
“I can’t. We need the money… and you need to rest, baby, your studies…” Steve tried to talk more calmly, to turn off the argument, but Billy was trembling.
“I can’t, don’t you fucking see that I can’t? I study and study and study and try and I can’t!” He looked angrily at Steve, now he was unable to stop himself. “I’m too stupid, you’re already graduated, why don’t you leave me if it’s so hard living with me?”
“But, Billy…” Steve felt heartbroken. They were so happy when they moved together. He was still so happy when he thought about their life, he was still hoping it was only a bad moment, until Billy’s graduation. He still loved him madly, but he didn’t have all the answers.
“No, I don’t want to talk, why don’t you go to Boston if you’re so miserable here? No,” he snapped again, a hand on the handle. “It’s over!” He yelled, running away.
Steve stood still for a moment, surprised and clueless. He was drowsy and he only wanted to go to bed, and he wasn’t sure of what had just happened.
“Billy!” He jiggled, running behind him.
Billy hated it, feeling so useless and being a burden for Steve. He knew, since the beginning, that it couldn’t end well. It never ended well; Steve had enough of him, although he always said that he loved him and he was happy even if they had to struggle a little until Billy’s graduation; he was just unable at making Steve happy; at making anyone happy.
The air was cold and thin, nobody was in the street and he had left in his slippers, he didn’t mind of the tears running on his cheeks, at that point; he raised his head and he saw the lake, and his heart sink, remembering how happy he had been there, and how stupid he was, believing he deserved even a little of it.
“Billy,” Steve was behind him, two dark circles around his eyes, a tense face. “Billy, please, listen to me”.
Billy felt a bitter rage growing inside him. Why didn’t Steve surrender and leave him? Why did he leave that to him? He could barely think, but he was ready for the shot. Steve deserved better.
“No!” He cried again. “Go away, Harrington! Leave me alone!” He took a few steps again to walk away. “You’ll be better without me!”
“Shit, Billy, could you fucking stop!” Steve yelled, and Billy freezed, surprused. “Stop doing this, stop… stop fucking up everything!”
He was crying too, but he felt better yelling, and Billy got pale and scared.
“Stop saying I have to leave, I don’t want to leave you! If you want to break up with me… have the guts to do it yourself!”
“I… I don’t…” Billy covered his face with his hands.
Steve sighed, and took Billy’s hand, trying to calm both of them down. “Ok, Billy, it’s ok. It’s alright, come here,” he pulled Billy into his arms, and Billy bursted up crying.
“Come on… Come on, come with me”.
Steve pushed him gently to their favorite bench.
“Why don’t you tell me that you’re struggling with your studies?” Steve caresses his head sweetly. “I can help you”.
Billy sniffed, shivering. “You don’t… you have too much to work…”
“Billy, do you remember when I tried to kiss you for the first time?” Billy nodded. “Do you remember what we said? We will figure it out together”.
Billy whined. “I don’t want to… stop you… I don’t deserve it”
Steve sighed, lifting Billy’s face to look into his eyes.
“Billy, stop. I’ll… I’ll never leave you, Billy, I love you… I love you so much…”
“I love you too…”
“You are the best thing that’s ever been mine, Billy”