Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Living with 3 brothers in the sewers was … a lot.

A quiet afternoon was sacred, a quiet day unheard of. Someone was always shouting and/or yelling about something.

And Raph didn’t mind that… mostly.

Being the oldest meant he had to make sure no one was squabbling or fighting … too much. It was his responsibility.

He didnt mind that either.

But sometimes, Raph just wanted a little bit of quiet.

Sometimes he felt like the noise was bouncing off the walls into his eardrums, beating him to the floor.

Sometimes he wished all the constant blur of noise from his siblings would just stop.

Today was one of those times.

They were all squished up on the couch and beanbags, watching tv- a spin-off of one of the Jupiter Jim movies.

It was what you’d expect from a spin-off: faulty, quirky, and a little bit out of pocket.

But Raph was enjoying it … if you count out Donnie interrupting every five seconds to point out a structural flaw.

“They just said the blasters had no effect on them- how are they suddenly working now?”

Ralph tried to smooth down the irritation spiking up inside him.

Why was everything so loud today? The whirring of the kettle, the incessant dripping of sewer pipes that Raph normally wouldnt have noticed. He had barely got through Mikeys high pitched chattering all day, and now this?? Couldnt Donnie take a hint???

“I don’t know Donnie, can we just watch it?” Raph groaned a bit, spilling his annoyance, so his purple brother would stop interrupting and just watch it. But Donatello was not known for his social cues.

“And they’ve changed the design of the blasters! How are people supposed to correlate the two?”

“Maybeee the blasters broke and they all had to go to a shop and buy new ones?” Mikey said from his bean bag, eyes wide.

“That wouldn’t make sense- those blasters are one of kind- they specifically said so in episode three!”

“Are you sure there’s not a time travel episode we’re missing out from?” Leo called lazily from his space in the corner of the couch.

Raph couldn’t hear what the characters were saying. His hands were absentmindedly clenching into fists, his breathing quickening slightly.

They were all being so loud.

“Oh, and the soldiers just happened to be caught in some random traps? They couldn’t even had added a scene in earlier to explain that-“

“Donnie can you just SHUT UP.”

He didn’t mean to shout the last two words.

He didn’t mean to say anything at all.

It just slipped out.

Donnie’s face fell instantly.

There was a few seconds of silence, except character sounds from the tv.

Donnie wordlessly slipped off their couch, running out of the room. Leo stared at Raph for a few seconds, his expression unreadable, before following Donnie.

Raph turned to look at Mikey- who retreated into his shell slightly, eyes averted.

Raph didn’t mean to shout at Donnie. Everyone was being so loud and, and he couldn’t concentrate on the show and he couldn’t think and … he didn’t mean to.

He was their older sibling. Their big brother. Their protector.

He had failed them.

Chapter Text

The anger left a bitter taste on his tongue.

It tasted useless, and mean, and weak.

It made him weak.

Raph was waiting hesitantly outside the twins room. If he strained his hearing, he could make out muffled voices, and noticed a faint glow emanating from behind their door (their door technically being a curtain).

He feels sick. He needs to apologise to Donnie, but the bubbling feeling of guilt was melting at his insides.

He had hurt his feelings, shouted at him, saw the abandoned feeling in his eyes as he ran out.

He had done everything a big brother wasn’t supposed to do.

And all for no reason.

Raph knew there was something wrong with him. His brothers don’t get annoyed by noise. His brothers don’t feel anger bubble up inside them, begging for a release.

They don’t get so angry that they need to let it out, somehow. Or… or get so angry that they can’t control it.

Only villains on tv act like that.

Leo suddenly emerges from their room, startling Raph.

Leo jumps a bit too, not expecting to see their brother right outside their door.

There was a pause of tense silence.

“Is Donnie ok?” Raph almost mumbled, staring at the ground. He couldn’t bring himself to look up at his face.

Leo made an affirmative hum, “Yeah, he’s better now.”

“Do u think he’ll want to see me?”

Leo fiddled his hands, considering. Normally he tended to speak without thinking, often unintentionally interrupting or ignoring someone in the process- Splinter chastised him a few times for it, so Raph made sure to tell him off when he does it too.

Now though, he seemed more thoughtful, softly thinking about his answer before saying it.

It was an abrupt change.

“Yeah, I think he will.” He said finally, nodding slightly.

Giving his brother a small smile, Leo headed off to the kitchen again.

Raph looked at the ominous curtain door again, before forcing himself to head in.

He quickly saw a squishy fort of pillows and blankets in the corner of the room, on the twins beds. It was quite impressive, with pillows lining the edges, and blankets placed over the top. Donnie definitely helped in designing it then.

Raph crept over to the fort, taking a strong guess where his brother was. He pulled aside one of the blankets, presumably the door, and stepped inside.

Sure enough, Donnie was in the corner of the fort, tracing a design into the ridges of the blankets with his finger.

Raph heaved himself over to Donnie, and sunk down on one the pillows.

He wasn’t so close to Don so that they were touching- he could tell this was only a touch-if-initiated sort of situation- but he made sure he was close enough so that Donnie could see and hear Raph.

There was a few seconds of silence, Raph shifting uncomfortably, Donnie still tracing.

Finally, Donnie opened his mouth as if to say something, but his chance was stolen by Raph, who didn’t seem to notice he was about to speak.

“Im so so sorry Donnie,” he blurted out. Donnie’s eyebrows raised slightly in surprise, “I-i mean to snap at you, or shout at you, I know you were just talkin’ but the whole room just got so loud and I didn’t know what to do- I- I know I’m a bad brother and-“

Raph was interrupted this time, by a small body hurtling into his, latching their purple hoodied arms around his plastron.

His apology was halted in surprise- Donnie didn’t usually initiate contact so intensely. There was a beat before Raph put his arms around his brother too, squishing them further together.

After a minute or two, Donnie squirmed out, readjusting his hoodie sleeves.

“I didn’t know how to get you to stop talking,” he muttered.

Brow buried in confusion, Raph was about to reply before Donnie shook his head slightly, indicating he wasn’t done speaking. Raph waited patiently, but his insides still squirmed with guilt and anxiety.

“… I was going to apologise to you. I realise that my comments were unhelpful, and that I was sorry for rushing out for something as small as you snapping at me.” His eyes were averted from Raphs the whole time, fingers twisting and turning his blanket material more sharply.

Donnie heard a shift of blankets, and looked up to see Raph nudging over to him, placing one arm over his shell.

Raph was tentative at first, ready to draw his arm away if Don looked uncomfy, but he seemed content so he leaned into him slightly, mushing them together.

“Dee. You have nothing to apologise for. You didn’t realise I were annoyed, because I didn’t tell you. I shouldn’t have shouted at you all at once.”

He felt Donnie huff slightly, “well, I still realise I was being a bit annoying.” He just couldn’t bear to be wrong could he.

Humming noncommittally, Raph fiddled with his faded wrappings around his arms, then-

“I don’t think you’re a bad brother by the way.”

Raph smiled sadly. Donnie was maybe too young to realise how messed up he is.

“Don, brothers aren’t supposed to shout at their siblings. Or get angry. They’re supposed to look after them.”

“But you do look after us.” Donnie shifted so he was facing Raph a bit more. “You’re still human Raph -well, metaphorically- and you can still have emotions and mess up and still take care of us.”

Raph opened his mouth to reply, then paused. He has never really thought of that before.

“But- but I just get so angry sometimes- I don’t know how to control it- you guys can manage it-“

Donnie scoffed slightly, “we’re all different people Raphael- surely you’ve realised that. You finding it harder to control anger doesn’t make you wrong. We’re all different, and thats ok.“

Not hearing a reply, Donnie carried on, a bit uncertainly this time.

“And, and if you want, I can look up some ways to deal with anger on the internet, there’s sure to be some helpful strategies or something.”

“… yeah. That’d be nice.”

There was a silence again, this time a lot more comfy, and Donnie went back to fiddling with his blanket, before he felt a small bosh on his head.

“You can’t be so smart all the time- that’s not fair.” Raph’s voice sounded scratchy.

Leaning into him more Donnie replied, “well we can’t all be astounding geniuses my dear brother, you see-“

But his soon-to-be rant was cut short by a pillow slamming into his face, knocking his glasses askew. Huffing in surprise, Donnie grabbed his pillow to use as a shield, before grabbing another as a weapon, an evil grin crossing his face.

A few minutes later Leo and Mikey came in to see where the sounds of muffled hits and thumps were coming from, before immediately choosing sides and joining in (Leo, Raph and Donnie, Mikey).

They successfully tore down their fort in need of materials, and after long hours on the pillow battleground, eventually made their way to the tv room again, still arguing over which team won.

“Huh, full circle,” Leo commented breathlessly, before collapsing on an upturned beanbag.

Raph thumped down next to him, Donnie and Mikey following, leaning against their big brother as they so often did.

They used the surrounding leftovers of the pillow war to make a nest for themselves, before Raph reached for the remote and turned on their Jupiter Jim comfort movie. A classic.

Splinter got up and checked on them a few hours later, to see them all in a turtle pile, practically melded into each other. He smiled, and turned the tv off.