Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dazai has created a group chat: The sillies!!

12:00 pm.

Dazai: I peed myself like really hard.

Chuuya: I’m blocking you.

Nikolai: I BET I PEED HARDER

Dazai: NUH UH TO BOTH OF THOSE REPLIES:(

Kunikida has silenced “The sillies!!”

Yosano has renamed the groupchat “The stupids!!”

Dazai: What have I ever done to you.

Yosano: You sharted on my gf’s pillow when she wouldn’t let chuuya go to your weird ice cream social. Which he didn’t want to go to anyway.

Dazai: You’re a poopy face.

Dazai has changed Yosano to “Poopy face”

Poopy face: WHAT

Poopy face has changed Dazai to “Poopier face”

Poopier face has changed poopy face to “Poopiest face”

Poopiest face has changed Poopier face to “Dazai”

Poopiest face: I’m ending this battle. Surrender now and I won’t change your name to “pillow sharts”

Dazai: Wait thats actually kind of cool can you do that.

Poopiest face: If you change my name to smth cool.

Dazai: You got it!!!:3

Dazai has changed poopiest face to “Wine aunt”

Wine aunt: Cooler. This isn’t cool.

Dazai has changed Wine aunt to “LITTLE SKIBIDI!”

LITTLE SKIBIDI!: Ok first of all I’m a BIG skibidi, second, change it.

Dazai has changed BIG SKIBIDI t to “Yosano”

Yosano: Alr. This is pretty cool. I don’t think we can do better than this.

Dazai: A deal is a deal. I want my name.

Yosano: lol no.

Dazai: gonna kms.

Yosano: omw to rip out your knees and feed them to you!!:3

Ranpo: omw to buy powdered doughnuts!

Poe: Karl learned how to type. Can I add him?

Atsushi: Idk how you’re just going to ignore ranpo’s statement but yea you can,

Poe: Thanks!!

IHATEGAYS: yo wazzup chat.

Yosano: Love the name.

IHATEGAYS: I can type but I cant read so stfu

Yosano: Poe just some advice from someone studying medicine , your raccoon needs to be put down.

Ranpo: That wasn’t funny i’m going to tell dad about that one time.

Yosano went offline

Poe: Ranpo that was a bad idea.

Ranpo: I dont have any bad ideas!!:3

Poe: Evidently you do.

Dazai: lol I peed again.

Chapter Text

3:00 AM

Chuuya: Can I go to someone's house please istg

Atsushi: why though?

Chuuya: Rimbaud and Verlaine are being gay again.

IHATEGAYS: ew.

Yosano: I thought you couldn’t read

IHATEGAYS: I changed my mind.

Chuuya: ew is right now can someone answer the question.

Dazai: No but I can add them!!

Dazai has added Rimbaud

Dazai has added verlaine

Chuuya: Words cannot describe how much I hate you dazai.

Verlaine: What.

Yosano: Read up :( Also i’m testing a new vaccine on karl.

Poe: WHAT

Yosano: unless he apologizes.

Poe: :FINE JUST GIVE HIM HIS PHONE HE’LL DO IT I SWEAR

Yosano: alr

IHATEGAYS: I’m so sorry

Yosano: he’s on his way home.

Verlaine: Read up. We were not being gay we were watching bluey.

Chuuya: WHAT???

Verlaine: Rimbaud thinks it's a good show.

Rimbaud: I think it’s a good show.

Chuuya: IDK IT SOUNDED GAY

Verlaine: HOW??????

Chuuya: going to bed now.

Rimbaud: Can we keep watching? Cliffhangers make me anxious.

Verlaine: There are no cliffhangers. It’s Bluey.

Verlaine: But fine.

7:00am
Nikolai: Chat I think I just killed fyodor and then cooked him with garlic and parmesan cheese.

Yosano: please shut up, I’m being grounded.

Dazai: What’re you being grounded for?

Yosano: Ranpo is a little snitch.

Dazai: “That one time”?

Yosano: Yes.

Dazai: What even happened???

Yosano: No.

Nikolai: Guys i’m freaking out the police are in my driveway I think that they know

Dazai: Yosano:(

Yosano: No.

Nikolai: Or maybe they found sigma….

Dazai: PLLLLEEEEAAASSSEEE I wanna know what “that one time” was

Yosano: No.

Nikolai: Can one of you defend me in court?

Yosano: No.

Chapter Text

Ranpo: Spuhgeteee

Chuuya: wtf

Dazai: Spuhhhggeti

Chuuya:.....

Yosano: Spoogootoo

Rimbaud: Sbugatti

Dazai: SbuGYATTti

Poe: Spaghetti

Ranpo: WHAT POE

Yosano: WHAT EVEN IS THAT???

Dazai: BOOOOOO!!!!!

Ranpo: DOUBLE DISLIKE

Dazai: DISLIKE DISLIKE

Poe: IM SORRY

Poe: Spgheti!!!

Yosano: SHUT UP YOUR NOT IN THIS CLUB

IHATEGAYS: YEA GET OUTTA HERE

Poe: YOU TOO KARL???

Yosano: PISS OFF!!!!!!

Dazai: YEA MR “ Spaghetti”

Poe: But I….

Ranpo: SHOO!!! GET!!

Dazai: I’m throwing rotten fruit at you

Poe: OK OK I’M GOING

Poe went offline

Yosano: anyway got any drama

Dazai: yea we’re boreddddd

Chuuya: omfg

IHATEGAYS: I think Nikolai got arrested for cannibalism or something

Dazai:WHAT

Yosano: NO WAY HOW DID WE NOT KNOW THIS??????

Nikolai: are you serious I literally texted yall the second it happened

Dazai: Nuh uh!!

Yosano: wait how do you have your phone

Nikolai: Magic!!!

Chapter Text

The stupids!!
3:30 pm.

Verlaine: Hypothetically, if someone gets stuck in the dryer, how would they get out.

Chuuya: omfg.

Verlaine: HYPOTHETICALLY

Chuuya: If you’re stuck just get Rimbaud's help. I have detention.

Verlaine: Okay first of all, we’re having a conversation about this when you get home.

Verlaine: And what if Rimbaud was stuck in the dryer too.

Verlaine: Hypothetically.

Chuuya: HOW THE FLIPPITY FLOP DO YOU BOTH FIT IN THERE

Verlaine: Hypothetically, we don’t really. We’re really squished together.

Chuuya: sounds kinda gay.

Chuuya: Also why were you in the dryer in the first place?????

Verlaine: Rimbaud was cold.

Rimbaud: I was cold.

Chuuya: WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE RAISING ME????

Rimbaud: I’m still cold.

Chuuya: shut up i’m actually so done. Have fun living in the dryer for the next few days.

Verlaine: CHUUYA PLEASE

Rimbaud: :(

Dazai: Screenshotted.

Ranpo: I’m constipated.

Yosano: sounds cool ig

Rimbaud: The dryer is freezing. We can’t turn it on from the inside so it’s just cold metal.

Nikolai: Alr I can help. Where do you live?

Verlaine: Not giving a cannibal our address.

Nikolai: I was being nice:(

Kunikida: I made a resolution not to interact with this group chat, but where are you?

Verlaine: texting u the address rn.

Kunikida: Alright.

Dazai: KUNIKIDA:3

IHATEGAYS: I read up. What’re you homos doing all squished together in the dryer??? BEING GAY????

Yosano: Y'all I don’t think karl is a fan of your gayness.

Rimbaud: Who is karl?

Ranpo: The homophobic raccoon that came with Poe.

Rimbaud: oh.

Chuuya: Rimbaud get off the phone. After that incident you lost your group chat privileges.

Rimbaud: oh.

Verlaine: KUNIKIDA’S FINALLY HERE

Verlaine: Also ignore him Rimbaud. Lets go sit by the fire.

IHATEGAYS: Are you planning to be gay at the fire?

Verlaine: no

Rimbaud: Yes

Rimbaud: I meant no.

Chapter Text

The stupids!!
12:30 pm

Rimbaud: My heater broke.

Chuuya: The heater works just fine. I checked.

Chuuya: Oh right.

Chuuya: Verlaine is sick.

Rimbaud: My heater is broken.

Chuuya: That’s one way to put it.

Dazai: I farted through my knee.

Chuuya: WHAT?????????

Atsushi: ew.

Nikolai: HA. AMATUER!!! I FARTED THROUGH BOTH OF MY KNEES!!!!!!

Rimbaud: Oh dear.

Poe: Oh dear is correct.

The stupids!!
1:15

Yosano: Kouyou

Kouyou: Yes darling?

Yosano: guess what.

Kouyou: What?

Yosano: CHICKEN BUTT!!!!!!!!

Kouyou: I believe this is the part where you apologize.

Yosano: I’m sorry :(

Kouyou: That’s alright. <3

IHATEGAYS: Ew lesbians.

Yosano: You live with the fruitiest little gays ever what

IHATEGAYS: I hate gays.

Yosano: I could tell.

Chapter Text

The stupids!!

9:04 pm

Dazai: Chuuya.

Chuuya: No.

Dazai: Why is it that Rimbaud has become an active member of the gc, but verlaine only texts when he’s being insulted or there's a problem.

Chuuya: Rimbaud loves us and Verlaine thinks that we’re stupid.

Chuuya: Rightfully so.

Chuuya: I mean look at our name.

Dazai: He literally got stuck in a dryer.

Chuuya: Like you haven’t???

Dazai: You promised that you wouldn’t bring that up.

Dazai: Ever.

Dazai: And Verlaine is a legal adult so it’s different.

Dazai: He even has a job.

Chuuya: He got fired.

Dazai: FOR WHAT?????

Chuuya: He full on SCREAMED at one of the customers' children.

Dazai: Did they deserve it????

Chuuya: Oh totally.

Chuuya: But do you think that the manager cares?

Dazai: Wait what did they do though?

Chuuya: Called him a toe with barely visible eyelashes and threw up on his shoes.

Dazai: W kid.

Rimbaud: L kid :(

Dazai: RIMBAUD YOU LEARNED MODERN BRAINROT TERMS???

Rimbaud: Thats right my little skibidi alpha! Or after your previous statement, beta. Your goofy aah self probably came straight (gay) from ohio. You have L rizz, and no gyatt.

Dazai: jesus.

Yosano: someone call an exorcist.

Chapter Text

The stupids!!
5:00 pm

Yosano: my gf has a level 10 gyatt

Kouyou: that isn’t an appropriate thing to put in a group chat, but thank you dear.

Dazai: “oooh look at me I’m a lesbian and I’m happily dating my soulmate! You should all be jealous of me!!”

Ranpo: salty much💀

Rimbaud: Dazai why are you pooping in her cheerios?

Yosano: Rimbaud I appreciate it but wtf was that metaphor

Rimbaud: I think it’s cute!!

Yosano: pooping in someone’s breakfast isn’t Exactly endearing.

Dazai: bet I can change your mind

Yosano: kys

Dazai: I’m trying.

Akutagawa: don’t

Chuuya: do

Atsushi: DAZAI WHY IS AKUTAGAWA HERE???

Dazai: I have his number for when I text him my grocery lists.

Chuuya: you’re a horrible person

Dazai: and you’re the 5 foot 3

Nikolai: are you my mother?

Dazai: idk man

Nikolai: are any of you my mother????

Rimbaud: If you want then sure I guess.

Nikolai: YIPPEE

Verlaine: no.

Rimbaud: but look at him he’s so small and pathetic

Verlaine: you have Chuuya

Rimbaud: Chuuya doesn’t let me braid his hair

Verlaine: that’s what I’m for:(

Rimbaud: fair enough ig.

Dazai: I’ll let you braid MY hair!!

Rimbaud: you have lice

Dazai: Nuh uh. I eated them all.

Verlaine: Chuuya why are you friends with people like this.

Chuuya: I ask myself that question every day.

Chapter Text

3:45 pm

The stupids!!

Kouyou: Akiko Yosano, answer my calls right now.

Ranpo: OOH FULL NAME. RUN YOSANO

Dazai: WTF HAPPENED?

Kouyou: She isn’t answering my calls or texts. I figured I would try through the groupchat, using peer pressure. (Which I do not approve of, but this is important.)

Dazai: BUT WHAT HAPPENED?????

Kouyou: That is absolutely none of your business.

Yosano: i’m being pressured by my peers

Kouyou: DM. Now.

Ranpo: If your funeral is on a thursday I can’t come. Karl has weekly appointments at the veterinarians and I have to go.

Yosano: #1 brother award!!

3:50
Yosano and Kouyou chat

Yosano: Yes dear?

Kouyou: Don’t be coy. You know what you did.

Yosano: Other than leaving a big stinky pile of feces in the toilet?

Kouyou: I wasn’t aware of that.

Yosano: Well gosh! It seems that I’m in quite the pickle!

Kouyou: I checked the toilet. My timbers have been shivered.

Yosano: good golly!

Kouyou: Oh gee!

Kouyou: Wait no

Kouyou: I’m mad at you.

Yosano: Okay I’m sorry that I crashed your brother's motorcycle, I’ll get him a new one.

Kouyou: It’s not the motorcycle I’m worried about.

Yosano: awwww. Don’t worry love, I’m okay.

Kouyou: I love you, and if you got hurt, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Please be careful, darling.

IHATEGAYS: gross.

Yosano: KARL ARE YOU A HACKER??? HOW DID YOU GET HERE??

IHATEGAYS: No, no, continue with your moment. I have popcorn and everything. Which i’ll probably throw up later, due to the gayness of your conversation.

Kouyou has banned IHATEGAYS

Kouyou: Next Christmas you're getting a raccoon skin shawl.

Yosano: I look forward to it <3

4:00 pm

The stupids!!

Lucy: ATSUSHI WHY TF IS THERE A CAT IN OUR APARTMENT????

Atsushi: SHE LOOKED SO SAD AND HUNGRY

Lucy: YOU ARE SO LUCKY THAT I LOVE CATS

Atsushi: aw:)

Lucy: OTHER THAN YOU

Atsushi: aw:(

Verlaine: Hypothetically, what would one do if they were stuck in a microwave?

Chuuya: WHAT

Verlaine: It’s a hypothetical question.

Chuuya: HOW DID YOU EVEN GET IN THERE?

Verlaine: I really don’t know. I’m questioning everything right now.

Chuuya: IS RIMBAUD THERE TOO?

Verlaine: Yes it was his idea.

Rimbaud: I was cold.

Chuuya: Of course.

Chuuya: A microwave doesn’t work like that. Get out.

Rimbaud: no. it’s cozy here.

Verlaine: We can’t get out. It doesn’t open from the inside.

Rimbaud: We don’t really have to leave though. We have everything we need right here!

Verlaine: Like what?

Rimbaud: There’s games on my phone and the burrito I forgot to take out two weeks ago.

Verlaine: What games?

Rimbaud: Among Us and Animal Crossing.

Verlaine: We’re all set. No need to come, Chuuya.

Chuuya: Awesome. I’ll be home on friday, see you then.

Rimbaud: Have fun!!

Chuuya: No.

Chapter Text

1:00 pm

The stupids!!

Chuuya: Are you two still in there?

Verlaine: Chuuya.

Chuuya:?

Verlaine: I got out but I did something.

Chuuya: What did you do.

Verlaine: I was mad at Rimbaud for almost getting us killed so I microwaved him.

Chuuya: WHAT

Verlaine: It’s not something I’m proud of.

Chuuya: IS HE ALIVE?

Verlaine: Sort of?

Chuuya: VERLAINE.

Chuuya: TF YOU MEAN “SORT OF”

Verlaine: He’s still warm. Dead people are cold.

Chuuya: OF COURSE HE’S WARM. YOU MICROWAVED HIM.

Verlaine: Do you uh.

Verlaine: Do you think we should eat him?

Verlaine: I mean I’d hate to waste good food.

Verlaine: Ew nevermind he tastes like school lunches.

Chuuya: Verlaine, if you actually did that, then I have to call the police.

Verlaine: WAIT NO APRIL FOOLS.

Rimbaud: CHUUYA I’M ALIVE WE WERE JUST BEING SILLY.

Chuuya: THAT WASN’T FUNNY.

Verlaine: IT WAS RIMBAUD’S IDEA.

Rimbaud: WHAT????

Rimbaud: CHUUYA HE’S LYING TO YOU.

Verlaine: NO IT’S THE TRUTH HE’S A FRAUD AND THAT ONE TIME IN EIGHTH GRADE WHEN HE SAID THAT HIS PET SQUIRREL PEED ON HIS HIS HOMEWORK WAS A LIE TOO.

Rimbaud: OH YOU’RE BRINGING THAT UP AGAIN?

Verlaine: IT’S THE TRUTH.

Chuuya: I can’t believe this.

Chuuya: So are you still in the microwave?

Verlaine: Yes.

Rimbaud: Chuuya please help us, his fingers are in my nose.

Verlaine: I don’t like this any more than you do. My hand is stuck like this.

Rimbaud: I hope that I have lots of boogers.

Verlaine: That’s just cruel.

Verlaine: Also, no need to hope. You have plenty.

Rimbaud: Good. I hope your hand gets covered in them.

Verlaine: We’re getting a divorce.

Verlaine: OW CHUUYA HE BIT ME.

Chuuya: I can’t do this today.

Chapter Text

9:07 pm
The stupids!!

Nikolai: FYODOR IS ALIVE

Fyodor: You weren’t supposed to tell people.

Nikolai: You said that about our relationship too.

Fyodor: Wait what relationship?

Nikolai: see???? YOU’RE DENYING US FOR PUBLIC VALIDATION!!!!

Fyodor: WHAT US????? HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING YOUR VITAMINS???

Nikolai: WHAT VITAMINS???

Fyodor: OH GOD NIKOLAI

Yosano: Chat wake up fyodor's alive.

Kenji: YIPPEE!!!!!!!

Dazai: :(

Fyodor: tf you mean “:(“

Chuuya: I don’t really know for sure and I could be wrong about this, but I think that he means :(

Chuuya: Just a thought.

Poe: I thought that you died?

PoopyFartWads69: Big beautiful luscious foreheads shining roundly in the night like gyatts.

Poe has blocked “The sillies!”

Ranpo: Now look what you did, PoopyFartWads69.

PoopyFartWads69: :3

Yosano: WHO IS PoopyFartWads69?????????

PoopyFartWads69: it’s me.

PoopyFartWads69: yknow.

PoopyFartWads69: The bald guy that appeared for 3 seconds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yosano: The

Yosano: The what?

Nikolai: Your name is so coquette.

Kunikida: Ryan?

PoopyFartWads69: Kunikida?

Rimbaud: PoopyFartWads69 can you please help us?

PoopyFartWads69: How much money am I getting?

Rimbaud: I have eleven cents and a spider named Lisa.

PoopyFartWads69: Deal.

Higuchi: meow meow meow meow

Gin: meow meowmeoooowwwww

Atsushi: When did you two get here?

Gin: when someone wiggled their toes too loudly….. It summoned me.. And made daddy angry…. Heh..

Ranpo: It’s always the quiet ones.

Poe: I can confirm, we’re the freakiest.

Ranpo: DIDN’T YOU BLOCK US????

Poe: I got summoned back by the toe wiggling too.

Higuchi: Alr who wiggled their toes

Yosano: I’m performing a lobotomy on karl with my feet, so maybe it was me.

Poe: WHAT YOUSANOD JONT EDOD THST WHQAT

Yosano: /j!!

Poe: oh thank goodness….I’m jumping off the roof of Gins house

Gin: It’s only one story….

Poe: exactly

Dazai: Coward.

Chapter Text

The stupids!!
3:44 pm

Higuchi: Meeoowowowowoowowowowowoowwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Gin: meoooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwowowowowwwwwwwwwww

Rimbaud: Barkbarkbarkbark

Gin: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Higuchi: REOWOWOWOWOW

Dazai: shimmy shimmy ay shimmy ah

Nikolai: Drank

Dazai: swalalaa

Nikolai: Drank

Dazai: swallalaala

Chuuya: I’m about to pull a dazai and go drown myself

Yosano and Kouyou (private chat)
3:50 pm

Yosano: Pooping alone, gorgeous?

Kouyou: You can eat after me.

Yosano: but you’ll be lonely.

Kouyou: The bathroom’s big enough for me and me alone.

Yosano: are you sure?

Kouyou: Yes.

IHATEGAYS: Oof.. rejected.

Yosano: KARL ACTUALLY GO KYS

The stupids!!
4:44 pm

Higuchi: meowww

Gin: Meow? Meowoww.

Higuchi: ….meow……..

Gin: aw.. meow meow….

Nikolai: Translation!! Higuchi: hi. Gin: You okay love? You don’t seem very energetic today. Higuchi: ..i guess i’m not feeling great…. Gin: aw.. Ill be right over….

Atsushi: I speak cat, can confirm.

Lucy: I’m learning cat, can also confirm.

Dazai: going for very first voice lessons.

Chuuya: good, you need them.

Dazai: OPENING THE DOOR!!

Chuuya: I hope your teacher shoots you.

Dazai: wait

Dazai: oh slay

Chuuya: what??

Dazai: Nikolai’s my teacher

Nikolai: Chuuya I’m stealing your man

Chuuya: uh

Chuuya: take him.

Yosano: quite the romantic you are.

Kunikida: Nikolai, how are you, as a cannibal, qualified to teach? And aren’t you the same age as us? And how did you get out of prison?

Nikolai: I’m not qualified, I ate the teacher. Yes I’m the same age as you guys. And as for prison, I found out the real world is a lot like brookhaven rp.

Kunikida: The Roblox game? In what way?

Nikolai: If you go to your inventory, place down a sleeping bag through the wall, get in, and then jump up, you’re out of jail.

Dazai: MIMIMIMIMIMIIIIII

Nikolai: oh god

Nikolai: oh god he’s horrible

Chapter Text

The stupids!!
3:00 am

Yosano: LOOKED IN THE MIRROR

Ranpo: SHARP AS A BULLET!!

Dazai: GOSH DANG I LOVE MY MULLET

Yosano: “gosh dang”💀💀

Dazai: I’ve been spending too much time with Kenji….

Atsushi: guys it’s 3 am.

Nikolai: are we gonna enter the back rooms and meet the sussy imposter (Gone wrong!!)?

Atsushi: um

Nikolai: that’s usually what happens at 3 am in the videos.

Dazai: yes Nikolai

Dazai: you and me pookie

Dazai: the backrooms

Dazai: be there before 4….😈😈

Nikolai: woah heh😼

Ranpo: erm what the sigma

Sigma:.

Yosano: I’m cackling

Nikolai: SIGMAAAAAAAAAA

Sigma: NO GWT MR OIT OG HRRE

Dazai: Nikolai where are you.

Nikolai: the backrooms.

Dazai: I CANT FIND YIU

Dazai: ALL I SEE IS A BACKROOMS MONSTER 😔😔

Nikolai: OH SO YOU DO SEE ME!!

Dazai: you’re the

Dazai: the backrooms monster

Nikolai:😝🎀yessss✨🙏

Dazai: that’s actually kind of hot

Lucy: what is this group chat and how do I leave

Gin: why would you want to leave girlie….

Higuchi: this is so romantic….

Higuchi: starts sobbinngf

Ranpo: Poe you should write a fanfiction about this.

Poe: I do not write fanfiction.

Yosano:LIES

Yosano: I found your Ao3 acc.

Poe: WHADTF NOP DRLETE DELETR

Yosano: Hmm.. “powdered sugar?” I should read this.

Poe: TOO LATE

Poe: I DELETED IT

Chuuya: I just woke up. What happened here.

Ranpo: read up!!

Chuuya: the backrooms doesn’t exist

Nikolai: yuh huh

Chuuya: Nuh uh

Rimbaud: you’re texting woke me up

Rimbaud: I was eeping😔🙏

Yosano: guys he was eeping☹️

Dazai: Is Verlaine awake?

Rimbaud: how should I know?

Dazai:?

Rimbaud: he eeps with his eyes open

Rimbaud:I can never tell if he’s awake

Yosano: he eeps with his eyes open??

Rimbaud: yes.

Yosano: how does he manage to eep like that??

Rimbaud: I guess he’s just good at eeping.

Higuchi: Gin eeps on the ceiling

Chuuya: oh I do that too.

Gin: I built myself a ceiling bed.

Chuuya: now I want a ceiling bed

Chapter Text

I WAS GOING ON A RANT ABOUT BSD TO MY FATHER AND HE SAID “This anime isn’t very creative. Like, Poe and Ranpo?? Lucy and Louisa? Fukuchi and Fukuzawa? What’s next, Bill and notbill???? They’re just reusing the same names. I want to see them try harder.” AND NOW IM SOBBINGF HEFLP

Chapter Text

The stupids!!

6:08 am

Chuuya has added Yuan

Chuuya: I added one of my old friends from middle school

Chuuya: we still text and play fortnight together so I thought you should all meet.

Dazai: you play fortnight….

Yuan: you don’t? Loser.

Lucy: I love her already.

Yuan: aww ilyt

Lucy: can we keep her?? Please? 🥺🥺🥺🥺

Chuuya: I wish

Chuuya: she lives rlly far away:(

Yuan: gather round children

Yuan: as I tell the story of how Chuuya and I met.😼

Lucy: Yippee!!

Yuan: okay so I was sitting on the swing set with one of my friends shirase

Yuan: idk what grade this was

Yuan: and we see Chuuya being a loser all by himself

Chuuya: WHATD

Yuan: so we invited him over and at first he was kind of like “erm, no thank you” but then we held out a pot of gold (bc he’s a leprechaun) and he walked over.

Chuuya: LIESLIELIESLIES

Chuuya: you screamed like pterodactyls until I gave up and walked over

Yuan: we were singing….

Chuuya: so that’s what that was💀

Higuchi: so then what happened

Lucy: yes tell us more😝😝

Yuan: so basically Chuuya asked why we wanted him to come over and we said “because you looked so pathetic” and he kind of rolled his eyes but didn’t leave

Yuan: and we’ve been friends ever since

Higuchi: so where’s shirase?

Yuan: idk tbh😔

Yuan: I miss that guy fr

Lucy: aw:(

Chuuya: real😔😔😔😔

Chuuya: Yuan are you ever gonna come visit

Yuan: wait I really should.

Lucy: omg yessss I NEED to meet you

Dazai: yeah idk much about you but you seem silly so get over here!!!!

Yuan: Okay😈😈

Higuchi: YAHOO

Chapter Text

The stupids!!

12:00 pm

Chuuya: YUAN’S HERE!!!!

Yuan: we’re going shopping, anyone wanna come?:3

Lucy: MEMEMEMEEEEEE

Higuchi: ME TOO CAN I BRING MY GF

Yuan: OFCCCC

Higuchi: YIPPEE!!!!

Dazai: I kinda wanna come too but I’m banned from most stores….

Yuan: we’ll bring you some stuff

Dazai: IM IN LOVE WITH YOU

Yuan: 😻

Chuuya: I’m not paying for anyone else’s stuff

Yuan: but you’re rich chuuya☹️

Chuuya: Just call me Mr Ebeneezer Scrooge

Chuuya: but seriously pay for your own things

Yuan: sigh fine.

Yuan and Higuchi private chat

12:30 pm

Yuan: I have his wallet

Higuchi: WHST

Yuan: JOKE

Yuan: I have my own money🥰

Yuan: but I’ll still guilt trip Chuuya into paying for most of my things

Higuchi: you’re my role model..

the stupids!!

3:00 pm

Dazai: alr are y’all going yet????

Yuan: yeah what do you want us to bring you

Dazai: skibidi toilet action figures

Yuan: k

Chuuya: WHAT

Nikolai: I just got back from the asylum who’s Yuan?

Lucy: Chuuyas old friend

Yuan: I’m not that much older than you smh

Nikolai: silly

Yuan: I AM silly! How did you know?

Nikolai: it takes one to know one.

Yuan: you seem so babygirl

Yuan: or babyboy or babyperson

Nikolai: babygirl is fine I actually like it better

Yuan: okay then do you wanna go shopping w us babygirl

Nikolai: I’m banned from most stores:(

Yuan: we’ll bring you stuff then

Nikolai: YAHOO!!!!

Nikolai and Dazai private chat

3:10 pm

Dazai: so you liked being called babygirl better?

Nikolai: I also like eating rocks

Dazai: can this be one of the rare moments that we have a serious conversation

Nikolai: 👍

Dazai: so?

Nikolai: I’m genderfluid😻

Nikolai: BUT some guys just like being called babygirl

Nikolai: and don’t bring people to private chats and question them abt their gender identity. It’s super invasive:3333

Dazai: okay😊❤️

Dazai: also don’t you “:3” at me.

Nikolai: :3

Nikolai: :3

Nikolai: :3

Nikolai: :3

Nikolai: :3

Nikolai: :3

Nikolai: :3

Nikolai: :3

Dazai: GRR NO

Nikolai: :3

Nikolai: :3

Nikolai: :3

Nikolai: :3

Dazai: are we arguing I can’t tell

Nikolai: :3

Dazai: sorry Nikolai 😔💔💔

Nikolai: you’re okay pooks

The stupids!!
6:46 pm

Dazai: YOU DID END UP GETTING ME THE SKIBIDI TOILET ACTION FIGURES

Nikolai: ALSO TY FOR THE MLP LUNCH BOX

Higuchi: that was my idea

Nikolai: TYYYY

Gin: twas a wonderful trip, thank you Yuan and Chuuya. 😻

Lucy: FR THANK YOU

Chuuya: yw

Yuan: ofcccc

Yuan: Chuuya you stink of obnoxious perfume.

Chuuya: WGATT NUH UH

Yuan: YUH HUH

Dazai: I AGREE WITH YUAN YUH HUH

Chuuya: YOU ONLY AGREE WITH YUAN BECAUSE SHE BOUGHT YOU STUFF

Dazai: If YOU bought me stuff I would agree with you too.

Chuuya: no????

Yuan: I’m flying home early tomorrow, so bye everyone😔😔

Lucy: NOOOO BYE💔

Higuchi: byeeee 😔

Gin: bye🥺

Chuuya: bye:(

Yuan: Chuuya why are you texting me I’m right here

Chuuya: oh.

Chuuya: right.

Chuuya: shut up.

Chapter Text

The stupids!!

4:00 pm

Yosano: RANPO AND I GOT OUR PHONES TAKEN AWAY FOR A WEEK

Yosano: I CANT BELIEVE WE MISSED YUAN

Lucy: how do you know yuan?

Yosano: CHUUYA TOLD ME ABOUT HER A FEW MONTHS AGO

Dazai: Chuuya why didn’t you tell US?

Chuuya: Yosano’s just better.

Yosano: real

Fyodor: Why must you all text so much?

Nikolai: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN????

Fyodor: I got arrested lol

Nikolai: marry me

Nikolai: I meant what were you arrested for?

Nikolai: autocorrect can be so silly

Fyodor: murder and identity theft.

Nikolai: that’s so hot

Nikolai: I meant who did you kill?

Fyodor: someone named Bram Stoker.

Lucy: BRAM????

Fyodor: what about him?

Lucy: I MET HIS DAUGHTER

Fyodor: I believe Aya was her name.

Lucy: YES????

Fyodor: How is she doing?

Lucy: HORRIBLE

Fyodor: oh? What happened?

Lucy: YOU KILLED HER DAD IS WHAT HAPPENED

Atsushi: Don’t worry Lucy, Kunikida is watching over her now!!

Lucy: And why, may I ask, Is Fyodor OUT of prison??

Fyodor: Some questions are better left unanswered.

Nikolai: like how are babies made!!

Akutagawa: how ARE babies made?

Atsushi: BAHSHDJDKDKHAHAHAH

Akutagawa: SHUT UP JUST TELL ME

Gin: no one ever told us..

Atsushi: SOBBING WHAT

Atsushi: it’s okay actually no one ever told me either.

Atsushi: I found out when I read one of Dazai’s books.

Akutagawa: ANSWER THE QUESTION

Atsushi: The stork

Akutagawa: you are lying to me.

Atsushi: Nuh uh

Atsushi: Lucy back me up

Lucy: he speaks the truth.

Chapter Text

3:00 am

Teruko has started a group chat

Teruko has named this conversation “The Smarties”

Teruko: WELCOME

Tachihara: what is this?

Teruko: Well I heard that people from our school made a groupchat

Teruko: WITHOUT ME

Tachihara: So this is revenge?

Teruko: exactly Tashithara!

Tachihara: TASHITHARA??

Jouno: don’t make me block you both

Tachihara: How are you typing?

Jouno: Voice type.

Tachihara:ohh

Tecchou: I like our name

Teruko: Thank you Tecchass!

Teruko: It’s because the other groupchat that we weren’t invited to is called the stupids

Teruko: so I figured we would be better like always

Tecchou: I see.

Jouno: Tecchou doesn’t belong anywhere involving the word smart.

Tecchou: That isn’t very justice of you.

Tachihara: Wait

Teruko: What

Tachihara: couldn’t we have just asked them if we could join their groupchat?

Tachihara: I’m pretty good friends with chuuya

Tachihara: Knowing him, he probably got sucked into that mess.

Teruko: I don’t want to join their groupshat anymore.

Tachihara: GROUPSHAT????

Jouno: I’m already in their group chat.

Teruko: WHATG

Jouno: It’s because you’re all idiots and they don’t like you

Tecchou: They said that?

Teruko: WELL I DON’T LIKE THEM ANYWAYS

Tecchou: I just realized something

Teruko: WHAT NOW FUGLY

Tecchou: All of our names start with a t except for Jouno’s

Jouno:....

Tachihara: HASDHRIHFW HELP MEEEEEE

Teruko: LMAOOOOOOOOOO JOUNO WHAT A LOSER

Jouno: I hate you all.

Tecchou has changed “Jouno”’s name to “Tjouno”

Tecchou: Now you can be included

Tjouno:

Teruko: The funniest thing about this is that Tecchou probably seriously thinks that he’s being nice right now

Tecchou: Am I not?

Tecchou: Tjouno broke into my house

Tecchou: Now he’s throwing things at me

Tecchou: He just punched me

Teruko: we don’t care stop narrating everything

Tachihara: fr

Tecchou: Understood, my apologies.

Chapter Text

2:30 pm

The stupids!!

Dazai: hey Rimbaud and Verlaine….

Verlaine: hm.

Dazai: oui oui baguette oui baguette baguette oui

Chuuya: Dazai wtf

Chuuya: let me try.

Chuuya: croissant

Rimbaud: excuse me but what did you just call my mother??

Verlaine: Chuuya take it back. Rimbaud’s mother is a very nice lady.

Dazai: HELPFD

Chuuya: erm croissant croissants

Rimbaud: STOP CALLING ME THE F SLUR

Verlaine: CHUUYA HOW COULD YOU WE PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY US????

Dazai: alr gang how does one speak French fr though bc it’s actually a really pretty language

Verlaine: je déteste les gingembres
Chuuya: WHAT
Chuuya: HE JUST SAID “I HATE GINGERS”
Lucy: WHAT

Tanizaki: darn….

Kouyou: 😿

Gin: I’m here on behalf of Tachihara

Dazai: Verlaine you just summoned all of the gingers

Verlaine: ew.

Lucy: TF YOU MEAN EW

Atsushi: guys gingers are okay

Atsushi: as long as you don’t threaten their pot of gold they’re pretty nice

Lucy: be very careful with what you say next.

Rimbaud: yeah gang I love gingers

Rimbaud: did you know that Chuuya’s a ginger?

Verlaine: Rimbaud please unsend that before everyone starts bullying you….

Dazai: is he ginger? Really??

Dazai: bro I thought he was a brunette

Gin: I was under the impression that he was blonde????

Lucy: not gonna lie I thought he had black hair….

Atsushi: wait isn’t his hair purple?

Chuuya: What are you even talking about I’m bald

Gin: I KNEW IT !!1!!1!!!

Yosano: I sneezed and farted at the same time

Atsushi: Thats kind of random lol

Nikolai: Did your body take a screenshot..

Yosano: No it was just lowkey embarrassing bc I was in a restaurant with kouyou

Kouyou: It’s okay I still love you

Higuchi: OMFG THATS LITERALLY SO SWEETT

Higuchi: I LOVE LESBIANSJ

Lucy: but you are one??

Higuchi: Self love is important also im bi

Higuchi: BUT I LOVE BISEXUALS TOO!!!

Dazai: Real we’re the best

Rimbaud: yeah we are

Atsushi: ALR WHERE ARE MY PANS??

Nikolai: RIGHT HERE METHINKS

Lucy: IDEK BRO IM ONLY ATTRACTED TO ATSUSHI

Atsushi: TYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Higuchi: Maybe you’re demiromantic?

Lucy: Maybe

Jouno: Teruko’s offended that you didn’t invite her.

Atsushi: You NEVER participate in the conversation and now this what the jelly

Lucy: What the goober, even.

Jouno: She won’t leave me alone, please add her Dazai.

Dazai: I’ll add all of your silly little friends.

Dazai has added Teruko, Tecchou, and Tachihara.

Teruko: FINALLY GOD

Tachihara: Hi!!

Gin: Omg hii!

Fyodor: I just got arrested again.

Nikolai: ONE CHANCE PLEASE

Chapter Text

The stupids
4:00 am

Teruko: GOOD MORNINGF HOW WE FEELING

Atsushi: respectfully why did we add her

Tecchou: I got an ant farm

Jouno: I’m going to kill your ants

Teruko: HWELP HES NOW BOOKING TICKETS TO THE UNITED STATES I THINK HES GOING TO TRY TO SMUGGLE THE ANTS ON BOARD TO SAVE THEM FROM YOU JOUNO

Jouno: Why tf would you want to go there

Tecchou: yeah you’re probably right I’ll take them to france instead.

Rimbaud: Good choice it’s awesome there.

Jouno: I don’t actually care enough about your ants to kill them.

Tecchou: We should kiss

Tecchou: Apologies, Teruko stole my phone.

Jouno: Well we should.

Tecchou: WHAT LMAO

Tecchou: I’m at your door please open up.

Jouno: BAHAHAHS

Teruko: IM AN EVIL GENIUS

Teruko: anyways how is everypony doing?

Lucy: not good.

Teruko: Elaborate.

Lucy: I have a one hundred degree fever hshskhsjhsj

Lucy: Lucky for me Atsushi’s the best malewife ever and he’s staying home w me

Rimbaud: that’s literally so nice verlaine could never

Verlaine: You get sick every two weeks.. If I stayed home with you every time I wouldn’t have a life.

Verlaine: AND YOU’RE NOT MUCH BETTER??

Verlaine: DARE I MENTION THAT ONE TIME WHEN I GOT SICK ON OUR ROAD TRIP

Rimbaud: YOU PROMISED NEVER TO BRING THAT UP AGAIN

Verlaine: WELL IM GOING TO TELL THE STORY ANYWAYS

Rimbaud: WTF

Verlaine: OKAY SO WE WERE DRIVING TO TOKYO

Verlaine: AND THIS WAS ABOUT A YEAR AFTER MY PARENTS ADOPTED CHUUYA SO CHUUYA WAS LIKE ONE OR TWO

Verlaine: AND I WAS DRIVING, BUT I DIDN’T FEEL GREAT AND ALL OF CHUUYAS SCREAMING WAS HURTING MY HEAD

Verlaine: AND SO I ASKED RIMBAUD IF HE COULD DRIVE FOR ME

Verlaine: AND THIS BITCH ROLLS HIS EYES AT ME AND SAYS “ummmfff no I don’t actually think I can”

Rimbaud: IM SORRYT

Verlaine: I'M NOT FINISHED

Verlaine: AND SO I SAID “I’m not feeling great.”

Verlaine: AND SO HE SAYS IN THE MOST ANNOYED WAY EVER “Fine.”

Verlaine: AND SO HE DRIVES FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES BEFORE I SAY “Hey I feel super nauseous can we pull over?” AND HE LOOKS ME DEAD IN THE EYE AND SAYS “No.”

Verlaine: AND SO AFTER A LITTLE BIT I THROW UP ALL OVER THE CAR

Verlaine: And guess what this mf does.

Lucy: what.

Verlaine: HE ASKS ME “Is there maybe a chance you’re not feeling well?”

Lucy: NO WAY

Lucy: WAS HE BEING SARCASTIC OR IS HE JUST THAT DUMB

Verlaine: HE WASNT BEING SARCASTIC

Verlaine: POV YOU HAVE A BLONDE MOMENT AND YOU’RE NOT EVEN BLONDE

Rimbaud: I HATE IT HERE

Lucy: YOU MEAN THIS GC??

Rimbaud: YES..

Nikolai: Who wants to help me break fyodor out of jail

Nikolai: it’s not optional for sigma but who else

Sigma: please no

Nikolai: I don’t make the rules!!

Sigma: Yes you do. You literally do.

Nikolai: You’re so opinionated for a toddler.

Sigma: I'M ONLY A YEAR YOUNGER THAN YOU??????

Nikolai: so who else wants to come?

Chuuya: I can come ig I’ve got nothing better to do.

Dazai: I can come too!! Bc I love you nikolai and we should get married

Nikolai: real we should

Nikolai: Anyone else?

Nikolai: Going once..

Nikolai: Going twice..

Nikolai: Going three times..

Nikolai: OH MY GYATT THOSE OTHER LOSERS DONT WANT TO SO ITS JUST US GANG!!!!

Dazai: If only it was just you and me bc I don’t like those other two

Dazai: emphasis on “If only it was just you and me”

Nikolai: so real of you

Sigma: Can we just get this over with.

Nikolai: Yes I’ll see you in about ten minutes

Chuuya: Why did I say yes to this

Chapter Text

The Stupids!!
12:04 pm

Nikolai: IT WORKED!!

Nikolai: FYODOR IS OUT OF PRISON!!!!!!

Sigma: AND NIKOLAI IS OUT OF HIS MIND!!!!!!

Chuuya: He’s been this way for a while

Sigma: no lol it’s only been two years

Chuuya: ??

Sigma: I’ve known him for a while and he used to be pretty normal

Chuuya: wait really

Sigma: yeah

Sigma: he also used to be a gacha kid

Sigma: but most of us were ig

Nikolai: MEOWMWOEMWOEMEOW

Nikolai: FYODOR TYPE SMTH

Fyodor: Hello.

Nikolai: YAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY

Chuuya: GUYS RIMBAUD AND VERLAINE ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!!

Dazai: WHAT NO WAY

Lucy: AWWWWWWWW CONGRATULATIONS!!

Verlaine: Um

Verlaine: Rimbaud and I have been married for over a year.

Verlaine: Chuuya what’re you talking about..?

Chuuya: I just needed to change the subject before nikolai got too gay

Gin: real my dumbass brother is such a zest fest

Akutagawa: False.

Akutagawa: You are.

Higuchi: I can confirm she is

Gin: Damn I’ve been caught..

Teruko: Real all of my coworkers are fruity. I can't handle it..

Tecchou: We are?

Teruko: Yes

Tecchou: oh.

Jouno: NO WE AREN'T??????????????

Tachihara: I SECOND THAT

Gin: The way tecchou just accepted it

Teruko: He was raised by lesbians I think he’s pretty okay with the idea of being gay

Higuchi: Are the other two not?

Terkuko: Tachihara is openly bi and was probs just being silly when he said “I second that” and idk about jouno

Jouno: We’re literally in the chat. Why are you acting like we can’t hear you.

Tachihara: Real leave tecchou’s moms out of this

Tecchou: Speaking of my moms, they found your earring Jouno. When do you want me to return it.

Jouno: At school on Monday probably.

Teruko: I was about to ask why jouno was at your house and bully you guys but then I remembered that most of tecchou’s friends including myself have been there.

Teruko: Because tecchou has the best house and the best parents who make the best food

Tachihara: REAL HOW DID TECCHOU TURN OUT LIKING DISGUSTING FOOD COMBINATIONS WHEN HE GREW UP IN A HOUSE FULL OF THE MOST DELICIOUS MEALS EVER

Jouno: Actually, that’s a genuinely interesting question

Jouno: Tecchou, why the hell are your taste buds so messed up as to like chocolate and barbecue sauce together when one of your moms is literally a kitchen goddess?

Tecchou: Chocolate with barbecue sauce is good.

Jouno: No. It isn’t.

Jouno: kys

Nikolai: GUYSG UYS GUYS GUYT I GOT A PET BIRD

Nikolai: BUT NOW IM GONNA RELEASE IT BECAUS E IT WAS ROBBED OF ITS FREEDOM

Nikolai: IM A LITERAL HERO!!!!!!

Gin: cool ig

The stupids!!
2:00 pm

Chuuya: hey guys why is there a chicken on my roof

Nikolai: OH THATS THE BIRD!!!!!

Nikolai: HER NAME IS ANASTASIYA

Fyodor: Nikolai, you cannot release a chicken into the wild.

Nikolai: You’ve committed various crimes don’t tell me how to live my life

Fyodor: You’ve committed just as many..

Nikolai: Yeah but I have insanely gorgeous hair so it’s fine.

Nikolai: It’s soft too

Dazai: Can confirm!! we were making out platonically the other day and his hair is super soft

Gin: YOU WERE WHAT

Gin: HOW DO YOU MAKE OUT PLATONICALLY

Nikolai: We gotta strengthen the friendship!

Tachihara: Are you absolutely one hundred percent sure you guys are platonic??

Dazai: No probably not he’s hot as hell

Nikolai: LMAOOOOO

Nikolai: You too <3

Tachihara: Wait wait dazai don’t you also have that thing going on with Chuuya?

Dazai: not yet

Gin: NOT YET IS CRAZY

Tachihara: And what about fyodor

Nikolai: Unfortunately for me the feeling isn’t mutual

Fyodor: I never said that.

Nikoali: WAIT HANF ON ARE YIIO SEUIROUS

Fyodor: No.

Fyodor: Your reaction was amusing though.

Nikolai: Oh damn okay:(

Chapter Text

The stupids !!
5:00 pm

Gin: HIGUCHI AND I ARE GOING TO FRANCE

Lucy: WHAT LUCKY

Gin: YEAH WE FOUND A WHOLE BUNCH OF MONEY BURIED BY THE SIDEWALK

Higuchi: That’s a lie she stole it from Mori

Gin: HE’S LOADED HE WON’T MISS IT

Gin: ANYWAYSSSS WE NEED A TRANSLATOR TO COME WITH US BC WE CAN’T SPEAK FRENCH SO IF YOU CAN SPEAK FRENCH SAY I

Chuuya: i

Lucy: i

Rimbaud: i

Verlaine: i

Gin: DO ANY OF YOU WANNA GO WITH US

Lucy: I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chuuya: lowkey hate traveling and can’t miss school rn

Verlaine: I can’t go, sorry. It’s not a good time to leave Japan because I still need to find a new job.

Rimbaud: Airplanes are too cold so I have to pass as well.

Higuchi: Lucy!

Higuchi: Wait Lucy how did you learn French

Lucy: Contrary to popular belief I’m not American

Lucy: I’m canadian!! Most people in Canada can speak at least a little French.

Gin: THATS SO COOL WHAT

Gin: CAN YOU MEET US AT THE AIRPORT TOMORROW AT 8:00?

Lucy: YES!! CAN’T WAIT TO THIRD WHEEL..

Gin: WAIT WHAT IF WE HAD A TRIP WITH ANYONE THAT WANTS TO COME

Higuchi: YESS

Lucy: OMG THAT WOULD BE SO FUN

Gin: OKAY ANYONE THAT WANTS TO GO JUST LET US KNOW!! I'M OFF TO BORROW A LITTLE BIT MORE MONEY FROM MORI

Kouyou: I suppose this could be fun. Yosa?

Yosano: HELL YEAH

Yosano: but I don’t really wanna do anything funded by mori.

Gin: I 100% understand. How about I give back Mori’s money and everyone going on the trip helps pay a little bit (if they can)?

Yosano: Yes!!

Gin: Hey poe.

Gin: @Eddietheraven

Poe: umm okay I’ll help pay but I’m not coming with you

Gin: Whatever you’re comfortable with but we’d really love for you to go with us!!

Ranpo: Well I’m going. I wanna try some French sweets. Poe pleaseeeee

Poe: If Ranpo’s going then I probably will.

Higuchi: Yay!!

Teruko: I’m definitely coming with you. Can I force tecchou jouno and tachihara to go too?

Gin: YES ABSOLUTELY

Chapter Text

12:00 pm

Nikolai: LOOK AT YOU STRAWBERRY BLONDE FIELDS ROLLING ON

Dazai: I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL MY NAME

Nikolai: CAN YOU HEAR THE BUMBLEBEES SWARM??

Dazai: WATCHING YOUR ARM I LOVE IT WHEN YOU LOOK MY WAY

Sigma: please shut the hell up

Sigma: wait isn’t this Lucy’s fav song

Sigma: @lucymaud

Lucy: OH SHIT THIS IS MY FAV SONG

Nikolai: SO REAL OF YOU

Dazai: Sigma how did you know her favorite song??

Sigma: art club.

Dazai:?

Sigma: yk the art club that always goes on after school?

Dazai: yeah

Sigma: we’re both in it and we sit together

Dazai: who’s the better artist?

Sigma: Lucy

Lucy: Sigma

Dazai: LMAOOOO

Lucy: well I guess it depends on what kind of art you like

Lucy: Sigma does mainly realism and I’m a cartoonist.

Sigma: yeah her cartoons are so cute

Sigma: except when she draws really gory scenes every once and a while

Dazai: omg so you guys just sit next to each other and do art?

Sigma: yeah but we also talk

Sigma: hence the reason I know her favorite song.

Lucy: we also bonded over our similar childhood trauma lol

Sigma: we both desperately wanted a home and were used by people who didn’t really care about us.

Lucy: so basically we’re best friends now.

Sigma: yess

Dazai: sigh I wish that I had a best friend

Ranpo: ouch. What am I then? Dazai our bromance is over

Dazai: WAIT RANPO NO I WASNT THINKING

Dazai: CAN WE STILL BE BESTIES💔💔

Ranpo: okay fine but you have to buy me a lot of candy

Dazai: I would but aren’t you in France rn

Ranpo: oh right

Ranpo: when I get back then

Dazai: deal

Chapter Text

3:00 pm

Nikolai: sigma..

Nikolai: I’m pregnant 🫃

Sigma: what

Nikolai:APRIL FOOLS

Sigma: dear lord

Nikolai: also it’s my birthday!!

Sigma: I’m not falling for it this time lmao

Nikolai: no I’m serious

Sigma: nice try

Nikolai: but it’s true..

Sigma: do you actually expect me to believe you??

Nikolai: ITS ACTUALLY MY BDAY

Nikolai: FYODOR CAN CONFIRM

Nikolai: @dostoevsky

Fyodor: I don’t know when your birthday is.

Nikolai: WHAT

Nikolai: LAST YEAR ON MY BIRTHDAY I TRIED TO KILL YOU HOW COULD YOU NOT REMEMBER

Fyodor: you try to kill me on a daily basis.

Nikolai: OKAY FINE BUT ITS MY BIRTHDAY I SWEAR ON SIGMAS LIFE

Sigma: what the fuck.

Sigma: now I really don’t believe you..

Nikolai: RANPO USE YOUR SMARTNESS AND DEDUCE THAT ITS MY BIRTHDAY

Nikolai: @bestdetective

Ranpo: he’s not lying it’s actually his birthday.

Sigma: you’re all pranking me

Sigma: I hate April Fools day.

Nikolai: I give up

Chapter Text

2:00 pm
The stupids!!

Dazai: NIKOLAI HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY DIVA

Dazai: your existence is a joke

Dazai: I need to make out with you so bad

Dazai: srry that was autocorrect

Nikolai: autocorrect or not I’m free from 4:00 to 5:30

Dazai: LMAOOOO

Dazai: 4:00 is good.

Ranpo: that’s kind of gay

Dazai: no I’m straight

Ranpo: sure

Dazai: Nikolai and I are just bros

Dazai: and technically if I make out with Nikolai right now I am straight

Ranpo: oh?

Ranpo: ohh.

Ranpo: I get it now

Ranpo: genderfluid Nikolai real not clickbait

Nikolai: THE CLOCK IS TICKING

Nikolai: GET OVER HERE BEFORE I TURN INTO A MAN AGAIN AND ITS GAY

Dazai: 🏃

Ranpo: France lowkey sucks

Lucy: he’s just mad because the candy shop owner wouldn’t give him a free lollipop.

Yosano: and because he can’t speak French and for once in his life doesn’t feel like the smartest person in the group

Ranpo: IM OBVIOUSLY THE SMARTEST WHAT THE HELL AKIKO

Yosano: Lucy’s the smartest rn

Lucy: so much power….

Lucy: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ranpo: I hope you choke on your own spit and die

Lucy: damn okay

2:19
Dazai: Who wants to come to my ice cream social!!

Nikolai: ME!!!!!!

Rimbaud: I do

Nikolai: I bet I can convince Fyozen yogurt to come give me a second

Lucy: FYOZEN YOGURT?? HELP ME???????

Fyodor and Nikolai private chat
2:20

Nikolai: Fyodorant pleasepleaseeplease come to dazai’s ice cream social!!!!!!

Fyodor: No.

Nikolai: But Fyodora the explorer I’ll piss my pantaloons from sadness

Fyodor: That’s disgusting.

Nikolai: Fyaoi please

Fyodor: Alright, as long as you promise never to call me that again.

Nikolai: YIPPEE ILYSMMMM

Chapter Text

Nikolai and Dazai Private Chat
3:00 pm

Dazai: NIKOLAI R U ALMOST HERE??

Nikolai: YESS!!!!

Dazai: if you’re not here within ten minutes I’m gonna touch you.

Nikolai: please do

Nikolai: also Fyodor won’t make it bc we kissed and now he has to go to church for two hours and he says he never wants to talk to me again even though he’s the one that kissed me.

Nikolai: or some shit idgaf at this point.

Dazai: oh damn I’m sorry

Nikolai: me too lol

Dazai: good news is I bought you your own container of ice cream!!

Nikolai: I’m madly in love w you

Nikolai: let’s get married alr

Dazai: 💍💍

Dazai: but seriously if you need some time to yourself and don’t come over I’ll understand

Nikolai: no bitch I want my ice cream

Dazai: this is why you’re my bro/hoe

The stupids!!
3:05 pm

Rimbaud: I just realized that I don’t want to eat ice cream with a convicted murderer sorry Nikolai

Nikolai: bro thought I was being serious when I said that

Lucy: wait I’m confused

Lucy: you’re not a murderer/ cannibal/ felon?

Lucy: was that all a joke?

Nikolai: yeah no that’s just a silly prank that I like to play

Lucy: telling people you committed murders is “just a silly little prank”??

Nikolai: yes lmao

Lucy: just to be clear, you are innocent right?

Nikolai: I haven’t purposely killed anyone if that’s what you mean

Lucy: purposely?

Lucy: actually I don’t care

Lucy: have a swell day

Atsushi: I love you sm

Chapter Text

Happy pride month gang😼😼

I hope you have a swell day

Chapter Text

The stupids!!

3:30 pm

Sigma: LUCY

Sigma: LUCY OH MY GOD

Lucy: WHAT

Sigma: BOTH OF OUR PAINTINGS GOT CHOSEN TO GO TO SOME FANCY ART CONTEST

Lucy: OMGGGG

Lucy: MORE DETAILS??

Lucy: NOW??

Sigma: OKAY SO YOU SHOULD BE GETTING AN EMAIL RN

Sigma: READ IT GIRL

Lucy: OKAY GIRL

Lucy: OH MY LORD I READ IT

Lucy: YAYY

Lucy: THIS IS ACTUALLY SO COOL

Lucy: WHY DID YOU TEXT THE GROUP CHAT INSTEAD OF JUST ME THOUGH

Sigma: OH SHIT THIS IS THE GROUP CHAT

Sigma: SORRY

Nikolai: DONT BE SORRY THATS SO AWESOME CONGRATULATIONS

Sigma: OMG TYSMMMM

Lucy: APPARENTLY IF WE WIN WE GET MONEY????

Sigma: IF ONE OF US WINS DO YOU WANNA SHARE IT

Lucy: HELL YEAH

Chuuya: EHY IS EVERUONE YELLINGF?????

Lucy: CHUUYA

Lucy: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN YOU DONT EVER TEXT

Chuuya: mb gang I was taking a really long shit

Lucy: for 3 months??

Chuuya: you know how constipation is💔💔

Sigma: this is why I’m madly in love w you

Chuuya: aw ty

Sigma: yw

Lucy: okay aroace mcaroace

Sigma: this is your worst nickname yet

Lucy: what the freak man

Lucy: I thought it was cool😔

Sigma: anyways I’m madly in love with Chuuya platonically

Lucy: relatable

Lucy: I showed this to Atsushi and he said “me with that one guy whose name I can’t remember rn”

Sigma: also how is Atsushi doing I haven’t seen him in a while

Lucy: he’s doing great he started writing in a glittery diary and I don’t have the heart to tell him that only eight year old girls use those

Sigma: he’s an eight year old girl at heart 💕

Lucy: fr💕

Nikolai: sigh I want what you and Atsushi have

Lucy: AWW WAIT DONT YOU HAVE THAT WITH DAZAI??

Nikolai: ABSOLUTELY NOT

Nikolai: he and I are just homies

Nikolai: homies that make out on a daily basis

Lucy: 🫃

Nikolai: what the fuck who do you think you are sending me that fucking emoji. You just don’t get it. I own that emoji. You thought you could send me my own emoji as if you know more about it? What the actual hell. You need to reflect on your actions and go to the corner of shame for sending this. I will never forgive you for this act of disrespect. Genuinely fuck you. You’re a terrible person for acting as if you know more about that emoji than I do. I despise you more than life itself. The audacity. Anyways this is to prove that you know absolutely nothing regarding that emoji; 🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃. And guess who got them all pregnant. Me. I did this to every. Single. One. So next time you think about sending me 🫃 just remember this.

Lucy: mb I didn’t know it meant that much to you😔💔

Nikolai: that’s all you have to say?

Nikolai:What the jelly why won’t you appreciate my silliness

Lucy: you’re very silly nikolai

Nikolai: thank you ❤️

Chapter Text

The stupids!!
2:00 pm

Ranpo: Yosano you’re a girlkisser

Yosano: wdym?? I’m literally so straight

Ranpo: girlkisser!!!!

Yosano: okay I like girls and twinks does that make me bi

Ranpo: which twinks do you like

Yosano: literally every twink ever except not you ofc because you’re practically my brother

Ranpo: I like twinks too

Ranpo: twinning

Yosano: do you consider Poe a twink

Ranpo: idk

Chuuya: why are you guys talking about twinks

Ranpo: speak of the devil

Chuuya: okay grandpa no one ever says that anymore

Ranpo:💔

Poe: Why are you discussing twinks?

Yosano: shut up you love twinks

Poe: I do actually.

Yosano: wow Ranpo you have a chance

Ranpo: Poe and I are literally alr dating though you know this

Yosano: oh right

Yosano: Kouyou you haven’t been active in the chat where you at??

Kouyou: what the fuck do you mean “I like twinks” ??

Yosano: my gf hates twinks💔💔

Ranpo: even though her brother is one?

Yosano: ig

Yosano: Kouyou do you hate your brother

Kouyou: Yosa, dear I despise him.

Kouyou: /j

Kouyou: we get along really well

Chuuya: well yeah because we didn’t grow up together

Chuuya: we both got adopted by different families and didn’t even find out that we were related until middle school

Kouyou: I guess that’s true

Kouyou: stinky Verlaine got to watch you grow up and I didn’t😔😔

Verlaine: mb