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Ray bowed his head as his hand gripped tighter around the bottle and he shook his head, laughing as tears were streaming down his face. He leaned back against the couch he was sitting on and he took a few more gulps of the whiskey, swallowing thickly as he forced the liquid down his throat.
Honestly, he didn’t even know how much he had this time. But, he needed more. He wanted to drink until he passed out. He wanted to forget what happened at the Halloween party. Everything was fucked now.
Everyone hated him.
Everyone thought he was a burden.
Which was fine, he deserved it anyway. He fucked everything up. The Halloween party was a disaster and Ray just wanted to forget. Still, no matter how much he drank, he just couldn’t forget. All that Ray wanted was to have a little bit of fun with Mew , but how did it all end so horribly wrong?!
Ray’s eyes burned as he blinked, ignoring the tears as he let them fall, taking a few more gulps as he felt his chest getting tighter, trying to breathe properly, but it was nearly impossible. Ray closed his eyes and his face twisted in pain when he remembered Cheum’s words. They hurt like hell, burned into his very soul, digging into his core because he hated how true they were.
Ray ruined everything.
However, there was a little bit of hypocrisy, after all – somehow, he was now even worse than what Boston did. Ray couldn’t do the mental gymnastics to justify this, but apparently, he was much worse than Boston, which was…
It was fine.
Ray was nothing but a burden to everyone around him.
No one really loved him. No one.
Ray was nothing but a burden to his friends, he knew. He knew that. He wished that he could do better and he tried , but everything always led him to realise this same fucking thing. That they would be better off without him.
Perhaps the world would be better off without Ray.
A sad laughter escaped past Ray’s lips and he took another big sip of the whiskey, feeling light-headed. The only good thing about the whole thing was that he felt too unsteady on his legs to make it down the stairs, over to his car.
Ray wondered… Wouldn’t it be better if Mew didn’t save him that day?
Everyone would surely be happier.
Ray should’ve been happy now that he was with Mew, but were they really even a couple? Ray wasn’t an idiot, he could tell that the only reason why Mew was now ‘’dating’’ him was because he wanted to get back to Top. The final confirmation was today at the party. The only time that Mew agreed to kiss him was in front of Top. He made a whole scene out of it.
Still, Ray should be happy, no?
No.
Ray felt nothing when Mew kissed him. The disappointment hit when he opened his eyes and was practically expecting to see Sand standing in Mew’s place.
Ray was conflicted about the feelings he harboured towards Mew in the first place. The more time he got to spend with Sand, the more he started to realise that his feelings for Mew and Sand were different. He loved Mew, but… The things that Sand made him feel was something that he never experienced with Mew.
Ray loved Mew like a friend.
But, Sand made him so damn happy. When he was with Sand, he could be truly himself. He didn’t have to be pretending to be something that he wasn’t. Sand was so easy to talk to, he was amazing.
And Sand was good to him. Too good at times. But, what did Ray do? Oh, of course – he was terrible to him. Realising that he had lost Sand for good was hurt more than the realisation that Mew didn’t really love him, which was telling enough just who Ray loved.
Sand didn’t even want to be his friend.
Why would he, though?
Ray was horrible to him at the party. It was ugly, he had no right. Yet, when he saw that Sand was about to kiss that guy, Ray snapped. The jealousy that he felt surprised him. He had no right to be jealous. Because Ray was dating Mew. Not Sand.
Ray tried reminding himself that over and over again and the more that he kept telling himself that, the more he started to understand just what kind of an idiot he was.
Sand hated him now.
Good.
It wasn’t like Ray expected anything else to happen. He was alone. His own father didn’t love him. He was more worried about his precious car than his well-being. Besides, he was a burden to him as well.
Why?
Why was he so difficult to love?
Ray’s hands were shaking as he needed to shut up the voices. He didn’t want to deal with them anymore, yelling loudly until his throat went sore, but it didn’t make anything better. It just made it worse, tossing the empty bottle to the side and his hands were scrambling to find something.
Ray felt terrible. He felt sleepy, his head felt so heavy. Everything kept spinning and he wanted to throw up, feeling too tired to do anything, but he wanted to call Sand.
Ray knew that once he’d get to hear Sand’s voice that he would feel better. He just needed Sand.
It was okay if Sand hated him.
Ray hated himself too.
Sand had a raging headache and he just wanted the day to end. He was exhausted after everything that happened at the party and he just closed his eyes, trying to ignore everything. He tried to ignore the way his chest felt tight when he’d think about Ray, the things he said to him at the party, they were…
… They hurt. Sand knew that Ray was drunk out of his mind, but that didn’t change the fact that Sand’s feelings were hurt.
Sand was ready to sleep, but then his phone started ringing. Sand rolled his eyes and groaned, rolling over to his side to see who was calling him. It was late, but it wouldn’t be unusual for his mother to be calling him at such an hour. Still, when he saw that it was Ray the one who was calling him, he cancelled the phone call right away.
Sand wasn’t in the mood.
Ray called again.
Sand cancelled the phone call.
When Ray called for the third time, Sand just allowed the phone call to lead to the voicemail and he rolled his eyes.
Sand was annoyed – what was this? Ray was drunk and high, so this was probably just another way for him to mess around with him and Sand wasn’t having any of it.
Sand was about to block his number altogether when Ray called for the fifth time, but… What if it was something serious? Sand’s heart sank to the bottom of his heart and he quickly sat up, grabbing his phone, staring down at the screen, unsure what to do.
“Damn it,” hissed Sand, wishing that he didn’t care as much, but… He did. Even if he wanted nothing to do with Ray at the moment, he still cared.
So, before the phone call ended on its one, Sand quickly picked up.
“This better be good, Ray,” hissed Sand and there was silence on the other side of the phone call. Then, he heard it.
“ Sand, you finally picked up! ” came Ray’s whiny voice and Sand rolled his eyes. He should’ve known, this was nothing more but… Then came a sniffle and Sand felt chills going down his spine because it was clear that Ray was crying. “ I’ve missed you, ” came Ray’s broken voice, speech awful slurred and Sand’s heart was now beating faster.
“Ray, where are you?” asked Sand, gripping onto the phone.
“ Where am I? ” asked Ray and laughed, sniffling. “I’m pretty sure I’m in hell,” he said and Sand gritted his teeth.
“Ray, if you’re driving right now-”
“ I’m at the hostel, ” said Ray and Sand rolled his eyes. He heard a loud thump and he heard something breaking. It sounded like glass shattering. Ray hissed out in pain.
“What’s happening-”
“ Something broke. Look, my hand is bleeding, ” laughed Ray and Sand felt frustration bubbling up again. “ Hey, Sand? ” asked Ray and Sand pursed his lips, feeling tense.
“Why are you calling me, Ray?”
“ I know you hate me right now. It’s fine, I hate me too, ” said Ray and Sand had a terrible feeling about the whole thing now. “ I just wanted to hear your voice. That’s all, ” said Ray and groaned out in pain.
“Ray, what’s-”
“ Fuck, I don’t feel so good, ” said Ray and Sand was already on his legs, ready to jump on his bike and drive over to the hostel. There was another thump that Sand could hear over the phone call.
“Ray?!”
“ I’ll be fine, ” said Ray and Sand heard him hiccuping. “ Man, I really messed things up this time, huh? ” asked Ray.
“Ray-”
“ Maybe I should just disappear, y’know? ” asked Ray and that was the final straw for Sand. He needed to be there with Ray. Right away. “ That way everyone would be happier, ” said Ray. “ The world would be a better place, ” said Ray, his speech getting slower and more unclear, to the point it was getting hard for Sand to make out what Ray was saying.
Sand’s heart was pounding against his chest, quickly putting on his shoes and his jacket, grabbing the keys of his bike as he ran out of his apartment, trying to keep Ray talking to him, but…
“Ray?” asked Sand. “Ray, can you hear me?” asked Sand, but Ray didn’t reply. “Ray!”
The phone call ended.
Sand’s stomach turned and he quickly hopped onto his bike once he was outside and drove over to the hostel immediately.
The hostel was empty when Sand reached it and he quickly ran from room to room, desperate to find Ray. Sand managed to find Ray in the room upstairs, passed out on the floor. Ray was in a half sitting-half lying position. He was leaning against the couch and Sand quickly ran over to him.
Ray’s head was slumped forward, so Sand couldn’t see his face. Sand noticed the shattered pieces of a whiskey bottle next to Ray – that was what he heard breaking before.
Sand quickly tilted Ray’s face to the side and he swallowed thickly when he saw just how pale Ray looked, cursing under his breath.
“Damn it, Ray, just how much did you drink?” asked Sand, but was calmer when he saw that Ray was breathing. He had just passed out and he shook his head, glancing down and he saw the dried up blood on Ray’s palm.
Sand gently took Ray’s hand into his own and took a closer look. It looked like a shallow cut, so Ray was going to be fine.
Sand saw dried up traces of tears on Ray’s face and his heart twisted, but he shook his head and ignored the way his heart hurt. The plan was to get Ray onto the couch and then leave.
Would Sand actually be willing to leave after he heard how Ray spoke on the phone? He sounded completely…
Sand gently touched Ray’s cheek and swallowed thickly. Still, it hurt seeing Ray in this state. Even if it hurt like a bitch knowing that Ray was with Mew now, Sand still cared too much.
Sand needed to leave.
Ray was really pale, though.
“Ray, can you hear me?” asked Sand and Ray groaned when he called him by his name, slowly reacting. “Ray?” asked Sand again, much gentler this time, still holding Ray’s face.
Ray reacted this time. He nuzzled into the warmth of his palm and he forced himself to open his eyes. Ray’s eyes were unfocused as he was trying to figure out what was happening around him.
“Thank God,” whispered Sand. “I’ll take you home, okay?” asked Sand, but Ray didn’t respond. He just sat there and stared at Sand in complete and sheer disbelief.
Ray felt terrible. He wanted to throw up and he didn’t even know who was talking to him at first. Everything was a mess, everything looked like a blur. Nothing felt real.
When Ray laid his eyes on Sand, the world stopped.
Sand was there?
Why?
This wasn’t real either, was it?
Because Sand hated him, this was a dream, it had to be. And yet, the second that Ray realised Sand was there, his eyes welled up and he grabbed onto Sand’s forearm.
“Sand?” asked Ray.
Sand’s eyes travelled lower, but he forced himself to look at Ray. He was sitting on top of his heels, down on his knees, in front of Ray.
“Yeah,” said Sand softly, his voice shaky and Ray hiccuped.
Caught off guard when he saw tears rolling down Ray’s cheeks, he was about to pull away, but then Ray moved quicker than him. Ray didn’t want Sand to disappear from his sight as he wasn’t even sure that any of this was real, so he threw himself around Sand’s neck, wrapping his arms around Sand’s neck and he pulled Sand closer.
“Sand, I’m sorry,” hiccuped Ray and Sand froze.
“Ray, don’t-”
“I’m sorry,” stammered Ray, holding onto Sand tighter. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry,” kept on repeating Ray and Sand was fighting the urge to wrap his arms around Ray as well, but none of this was real.
Ray was drunk.
When morning came, Ray wouldn’t even remember this. Ray was holding onto him because he just happened to be there. He was no one special to Ray. As always, he was the second option.
He wasn’t Mew.
“Ray, it’s enough,” said Sand and when he pulled away, Ray’s world collapsed.
“Don’t leave me, you can’t leave me,” stammered Ray, panic clear in his eyes and tears spilled over.
“Ray, please- ”
“Please stay, I can’t be alone,” said Ray. “I know you hate me. I know, everyone hates me. I’m nothing but a burden, it’s fine. I just… I feel so fucking alone, ” kept on talking Ray.
Ray’s speech was slurred, he was all over the place.
Sand’s heart was breaking.
“No one can love me,” said Ray and Sand closed his eyes, trying to say something that would make sense. Even if it hurt like hell, even if he couldn’t breathe, he still…
“Mew loves you,” said Sand and Ray laughed.
“He doesn’t,” said Ray. “He’s with me only because he wants to get back at Top. That’s the only reason, but it’s fine,” said Ray and shook his head.
Sand really needed to go.
“You know what’s funny?” asked Ray. “It should hurt, but it doesn’t. Not really,” he said and shook his head. “It hurt more when you told me we can’t be friends anymore,” said Ray and Sand had to keep reminding himself.
Ray didn’t mean anything that he was saying.
Ray was drunk.
“Ray, don’t,” said Sand.
“Sand I don’t like Mew like that. I like you,” said Ray and Sand snapped.
“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it!” said Sand because he knew those were just empty words. Ray was desperate to make him stay, so he… And he was drunk.
“I mean it!” said Ray.
“No, you don’t. You’re drunk, you won’t even remember any of this in the morning,” said Sand and tried standing up, but Ray pulled him closer again.
“It’s okay if you hate me, Sand,” whispered Ray and shook his head. “My friends hate me, you hate me-” stammered Ray and Sand glanced down. He gritted his teeth and Ray’s voice trailed off as a new stream of tears rolled down his cheeks. “I really am a burden for everyone, I-”
Sand couldn’t stand it anymore. He knew it was going to come bite him in the ass, but… He couldn’t stand it anymore. He wrapped his arms around Ray and pulled him close. Ray hiccuped and gripped onto his clothes, closing his eyes when he felt Sand next to him.
“Damn it, Ray,” whispered Sand. “I don’t hate you,” said Sand and Ray found that hard to believe as more tears rushed to his eyes. “Do you think I’d be here if I hated you?” asked Sand as tears welled up in his eyes again, but Ray didn’t respond. “You aren’t a burden,” said Sand and perhaps that was all that Ray needed, really.
Someone telling him that he… mattered.
“I’ve ruined everything,” whispered Ray and Sand pulled away, taking his wet face in between his hands and he pressed their foreheads together.
“You can fix things, it’s-”
“What’s the point? I’ve lost you, Sand,” said Ray and he swallowed thickly, closing his eyes, tears spilling over again. “It’s too late already,” he said, still convinced that Sand wasn’t really there. It was all a dream, wasn’t it?
Sand wouldn’t be this nice to him, he didn’t deserve it.
“Damn it, Ray,” hissed Sand again and wrapped his arms around Ray, who eventually started calming down in his warm embrace, his body going limp at some point as he ended up passing out yet again right there in Sand’s arms, who was battling a fight with himself.
Damn it.
Fucking damn it.
Sand couldn’t leave Ray alone.
Ray woke up with a terrible, terrible headache the next morning. He woke up at Sand’s place with his hand bandaged up and from what he could see, Sand had also given him a sponge bath last night.
Ray felt terrible. He spent the entire morning throwing up and it was already close to noon by the time that he finally dragged his tired body out of Sand’s, groaning along. He found Sand in the living room, strumming on his guitar.
The second that Ray stepped into the living room, he hissed out in pain when the sunlight hit his eyes and he tried to block it with his hand.
“Why is it so bright in here?” complained Ray and Sand placed his guitar down, looking away as silence fell between the two of them. “Sand, I feel terrible,” complained Ray and Sand tried not to think about it.
Ray didn’t even remember, did he?
He was acting like nothing happened.
“Serves you right,” said Sand. “You didn’t have to drink so much.”
“Sand, don’t be like this,” said Ray. “Can’t you tell I feel like shit?” he asked and then hissed out in pain again when he tried moving his hand. “Ugh.”
“Did you drink the tea I’ve left in the room?” asked Sand and Ray looked down, again reminded just how kind Sand actually was.
“Yes,” said Ray and made a face. “I didn’t like it. It was too bitter.”
Sand rolled his eyes.
“You have a taste palette of a toddler,” commented Sand and Ray chuckled, looking at Sand, who also smiled, but then his smile faded away and he quickly looked away.
Sand opened his mouth to say something, but then he quickly looked away. No, it was useless to be asking about last night, right? Ray didn’t remember. It would hurt less to not bring it up, but then again — Sand was a masochist, huh?
“How much do you remember about last night?” asked Sand, his eyes boring into Ray’s.
Ray’s eyes were unfocused. Thinking was hard as he tried to remember what happened last night and the second that Sand saw that Ray was trying to remember, his heart fell to the pit of his stomach, the last piece of hope quickly fizzling away.
Well, of course.
“Everything’s hazy,” complained Ray and Sand nodded. Still, he just wouldn’t leave it alone.
“Do you remember telling me you liked me?” asked Sand and Ray perked up. Sand kept staring at Ray and then he laughed under his breath, shaking his head as he realised it was useless. Ray’s eyes widened and he panicked. “It was stupid of me to think you’d remember. Never mind,” said Sand and he was about to walk away, but Ray’s hand quickly caught him.
“I remember,” said Ray quickly.
Sand looked at him and Ray’s eyes slowly travelled lower. Ray was telling the truth, he remembered telling Sand everything and he also meant what he said. But, now actually dealing with the aftermath wasn’t that easy.
“You… do?” asked Sand and stopped.
“Mn,” hummed Ray and slowly released Sand’s hand.
“And? Did you mean any of it? Or was it just the alcohol talking?”
Ray hesitated.
“I meant it… I think,” said Ray and Sand let out a tired laugh.
“You think so?” asked Sand and shook his head. “I knew it, this was a mistake,” said Sand and tried walking away, but Ray stood up as well and stepped in front of him.
“W-wait, let me explain,” said Ray and Sand arched his eyebrows.
“Explain what? That you think you like me when Mew isn’t there to keep you company?” asked Sand and Ray quickly shook his head.
“No, it’s not like that,” said Ray and then he ran his fingers through his hair. He was terribly hung over, but he still powered through. “I… Look, all I know is that when I’m with you I can be truly happy. I can be myself. I’m not that happy when I’m with Mew,” said Ray and Sand looked away. “Sand, I mean it,” said Ray.
“Sure-”
“And last night,” said Ray. “Mew kissed me, I,” he said, shaking his head. “When I opened my eyes I was disappointed that I saw him, not you,” said Ray and Sand’s heart skipped a beat. “And I’ve been miserable ever since you told me we cannot even hang out, so that’s that,” said Ray and closed his eyes.
Sand took a deep breath.
“And whenever I’m with Mew, all I’m thinking is about you, ” said Ray. “I hear a song and I wonder if you’d like it,” he carried on. “I mean it’s quite annoying, you literally live in my head rent free,” complained Ray and when he glanced at Sand he could see a little smile on his lips. “And I'm sorry. Yesterday I acted like an ass. You didn't deserve that. But when I saw you with that guy I just—“
Sand but into his lower lip.
“Got jealous?“ asked Sand and Ray nodded. It wasn't anything to be proud of, but at least he apologised to Sand.
“I really am sorry,“ whispered Ray and Sand took a sharp breath in. “Can you forgive me?“ asked Ray as he knew he was pushing things, but he just wanted Sand to understand.
Sand thought about it and shrugged. Ray gave him a little pout and eventually Sand nodded.
“I just… Can you give me some more time? To clear up this mess with Mew?” asked Ray.
Sand thought about it once. Then he thought about it twice and he… He glanced at Ray, who was waiting for his response. It sounded almost too good to be true, but once he heard everything that Ray had told him, it was difficult to say no. And remembering everything else that Ray told him last night, how distressed he was over the fact that he ‘’lost’’ Sand, it was…
Still, he needed Ray to understand that he wasn’t anyone’s second option.
“Just understand this – I’m not your second option,” he said and Ray exhaled softly. “And don’t take too long because even if I really , really like you, I won’t wait forever.”
“You were never the second option, Sand,” said Ray and it looked like all air was punched out of Sand when he looked at him. Still… Sand didn't make a comment about it. The look of relief on his face was enough for Ray to understand how much Sand appreciated those words. Even if he didn't completely believe them quite yet.
Ray smiled softly because this time, he wasn’t going to fuck this up! He was going to have a long talk with Mew – it wasn’t working anyway. After ending things with Mew, he was going to make sure to show Sand that he had never been a second option to begin with.
“So, I live in your head rent free, huh?” decided to ease up the mood Sand and Ray scowled, plopping down onto the chair, feeling the headache taking its toll on him.
There were so many things that Ray needed to fix from last night, but at least… Sand was willing to give him a chance.