Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Klaus created a group chat

Klaus named the group chat Umbrellas and Co

Klaus added Allison to the chat

Klaus added Ben to the chat

Klaus added Diego to the chat

Klaus added Five to the chat

Klaus added Lila to the chat

Klaus added Luther to the chat

Klaus added Viktor to the chat

Klaus changed their name to Uncle Klaus

Klaus changed Ben's name to The Other Ben

Uncle Klaus: Hey guyssss

Diego: wtf

Lila: lol did you add us in alphabetical order?

The Other Ben left the chat

Klaus added The Other Ben to the chat

The Other Ben: I don't want to be here fuckers

Uncle Klaus: Hello everyone!! So I told Claire-Bear we don't have a group chat yet and she said we absolutely need one. I think it's a nice idea :)))))

Luther: Oh, group chat! Let's go! This was a great idea! Now I can just send my monthly newsletter here, instead of e-mail.

Diego: i officially hate this

Diego: how do i unsubscribe from this one???

Luther: Wait... You unsubscribed from my newsletter? :(

Diego: who hasn't?

Luther: What? Who else unsubscribed?

Five: We have a newsletter? Also, what does :( mean?

Viktor: How did you even get this number?

Allison: Klaus I think this was a good idea. Where are you tho? Claire said you disappeared.

Allison: Klaus?

Allison: Has anyone seen Klaus?

Five: He was just talking to Lila's family. I think he went to the restroom.

Allison: That's odd. He doesn't use public restrooms anymore. I'll go check on him.

Luther: Does really no one read my newsletter?

Viktor: I should've stayed in Canada.

The Other Ben: ._.

The Other Ben: I shouldve stayed in prison.

The Other Ben: How do I change this stupid username?

Viktor: Uhm guys? There's some creepy guy lurking around in the parking lot. 

Viktor sent a picture

(A bald man is standing in front of a blue van, appearing to be waiting for something.)

Viktor: Does anyone know him?

Lila: The fuck? I don't know that guy. Diego?

Diego: nope

Luther: I'll come get you, just in case. Good thing you took a picture.

Viktor: Thanks Luther.

Luther: We're inside now. That guy really was creepy, but he drove off. Shouldn't be an issue anymore.

Five: Allison is Klaus okay?

Uncle Klaus: I'm fine guys, don't worry. The party is just really loud.

Allison: Klaus, please let me in.

Uncle Klaus: go away, please, I'm fine

Five: Was it those people at the table? Did they say something? You looked really uncomfortable.

Uncle Klaus: ...

Five: I'm gonna stab them in the face.

Uncle Klaus: Please don't. You'll get arrested and die in prison. It's not a big deal.

Allison: Klaus what did they say?

Uncle Klaus: ughhhhh fineee, they said I'm a thieving, cheating addict...

Five: Oh, I am so going to murder them.

Viktor: Wtf?? That is so not okay!

Allison: I mean....... you did steal my pearl necklace three years ago.....

Viktor: Allison!!

Diego: wow

Luther: That was uncalled for.

Uncle Klaus: wow I feel so loved

Uncle Klaus changed their name to THieving cheating addict

Allison: ugh Klaus please, I'm sorry, okay?

THieving cheating addict: k

Diego: whoa Lila just yelled at those people

Diego: you should see the locks on their faces

Diego sent a picture

(It's of Lila, yelling at a table full of her family members. They're all wearing party hats and looking absolutely speechless. The picture is taken from a safe distance.)

Diego: she is so hot

Five: Disgusting.

Luther: Get a room.

Viktor: He's got a point tho

Diego: i swear to god victor, if you go anywhere near her

Viktor: Relax lol

Five: What does 'lol' mean?

Viktor: laughing out loud

Five: Thanks

THieving cheating addict: how do you not know that? You're basically a teenager

Five: Dude, I'm 63.

THieving cheating addict: oh. right, sorry

THieving cheating addict changed Five's name to Old Man

Old Man: Fair enough.

Allison: Klaus please come out of that bathroom.

Viktor: he's still in there? It's been half an hour.

THieving cheating addict: okay, okay, no need to kick that door down Allison, I'm coming out

Viktor: oh another coming out? lol

THieving cheating addict: Ik it was a joke, but uhm.... I'm non-binary... surprise!!

Viktor: oh that's amazing!! Congrats! Thanks for telling us! What are your pronouns?

Allison: You are? How did I not know this?

Old Man: Good for you, Klaus. Good for you.

Luther: What's non-binary?

Diego: ha! allison you owe me fifty bucks!

Allison: I completely forgot about this.

Luther: Guys! What's non-binary???

Viktor: It's basically where you don't identify as either male or female.

Luther: Huh.

Viktor: It can be more complicated than that tho. Some are both, some are none, some switch between different genders, etc.

THieving cheating addict: thanks vic, I go by he/they rn, but it changes sometimes

Allison: Klaus, come out of there now.

THieving cheating addict changed Allison's name to Dictator

Dictator: KLAUS

THieving cheating addict: ugh fine

Viktor: Is he okay?

Dictator: He's been crying. He said he's gonna wait in the car.

Lila: He can stay if he wants. I kicked those guys out.

THieving cheating addict: Thanks Lila. Appreciate it. I'm still gonna wait outside tho. It's too loud and crowded in here.

Lila: Okay. Take care, kitten

Viktor: I'm gonna bring you a piece of cake once Luther is done beating up this pinyata.

THieving cheating addict: lol send a vid

Viktor sent a video

(It's of Luther, having a pinyata in a chokehold and smashing it's face with a fist)

THieving cheating addict: is he okay?

Diego: im honestly not sure

Viktor: Sorry Klaus, Luther smashed the cake

THieving cheating addict: :((((((((((((

THieving cheating addict changed their name to cakeless babe

cakeless babe: f

Viktor: F

Lila: F

Diego: f

Old Man: ????

Luther: I have no idea, man.

Luther: Also, sorry guys :/

Diego: apologize to the kids bro

cakeless babe: BENN JUSTZ GOTR KIDNAPPPED!!!!1!!!!111!!!!!

Chapter Text

Diego: ben whattt???????

cakeless babe: He got kidnapped!

cakeless babe: ohmygod

cakeless babe: im freaking out

Dictator: I'll be right out!

Dictator: ugh Klaus please change this name

Viktor: oh my god what happened? Did you see who got him?

cakeless babe: it was that guy from your picture!! the creepy one!!

Lila: lol you mean Luther?

Viktor: lmao

Luther: Hey!

cakeless babe: this is serious!! we need to help him!!

Old Man: Why can this family never stay out of trouble?

Viktor: I can drive. Who wants to come with me? I've got room for one more.

Old Man: I'll come

Viktor: thats what he said

Old Man: Who?

Old Man: Me?

Old Man: Yes, I literally said what I said.

Lila: This is so hard to watch

Diego: ill go with allison then

Lila: No you won't

Diego: okay

Diego: guys i cant come with

cakeless babe changed Diego's name to Lapdog

Diego: i hate this family

Old Man: Your lack of uppercase letters and punctuation alarms me every time, Diego.

Diego: says the guy who doesnt know what lmfao means

Old Man: I would like to see you stuck in the apocalypse for most your life and then try to decipher some new internet slang abbreviation.

Dictator: Okay, Five you go with Viktor, Luther you come with Klaus and me. Lila and Diego stay at the party. Please tell Claire not to worry. We'll be back soon.

Lila: Got it. Don't get killed, fuckers

Old Man: Yes, please, everyone stay alive.

cakeless babe: trying my best. Allison is driving tho

cakeless babe: she can't even say anything now cause she's driving lol

cakeless babe: her driving is terrible guys!! don't ever get in a car with her.

Luther: Can confirm. I'm already feeling kinda sick

Old Man: Viktor's driving is fine.

cakeless babe changed Dictator's name to Menace to Society

cakeless babe changed Viktor's name to Designated Driver

cakeless babe: Allison told me to tell u guys to look in the area. Maybe that guy is still around.

Old Man: Okay, I'll let Viktor know.

Old Man: Guys, it's been an hour... should we head back?

Luther: Where are you two?

Old Man: Town's Center. You?

Luther: Same.

Luther: Meet at Griddy's to regroup?

Old Man: Sure.

cakeless babe: oooooo donuts!!!

Luther: We are not going there for the donuts, Klaus.

cakeless babe: you might not be, but I certainly am, party pooper

Luther: You're a child.

cakeless babe: am not

cakeless babe changed Luther's name to party pooper

cakeless babe: I should have done this an hour ago!

Old Man: Aren't you in the same car?

Old Man: We just arrived, by the way.

party pooper: Almost there.

party pooper: Klaus! Change my name back now!

Old Man: I think I see you

The Other Ben: Would you guys chill? I'm fine. It was just a misunderstanding.

cakeless babe: OMG BENNNNNNNN

cakeless babe: what happenedd???? we were so worried!!

Lapdog: good to hear from you man

Designated Driver: oh my god, Ben, what happened??

party pooper: A 'misunderstanding'?

Old Man: I'm glad you're okay.

cakeless babe changed The Other Ben's name to Bennerino

Bennerino: stop calling me that

cakeless babe: never <3

Bennerino: I did get kidnapped at first, but the guy wasn't very good at it.

cakeless babe: he dragged you into his car!

Bennerino: he had a taser, that doesn't count. I could've totally beat him.

Bennerino: Anyway, we realized we wanted the same thing. He said he can give us our powers back! He also said he knows our mother??

Designated Driver: our mother? Which one?

Bennerino: Idk, he just said 'our mother'

cakeless babe: I don't want my powers back.

Lapdog: speak for yuorself

Lapdog: i want my powrs back

Lapdog: !!!

Bennerino: Klaus I thought you of all people would want them back?

Bennerino: You seem fucking miserable, man

cakeless babe: wow than ks, I'm flattered!

cakeless babe: stay away fro mme with that shitt! I'v e been clean for three years!

Menace to Society: It's not drugs, Klaus. You could be immortal again.

cakeless babe: yo udon't get it...

party pooper: How would he do it? Give us our powers back I mean.

Bennerino: He showed me some glowy juice we'd need to drink.

Old Man: Hm... sounds suspicious.

Designated Driver: I wouldn't mind having them back. Should we do this guys?

Lila: I wouldn't mind either.

cakeless babe: no. Come on guys. This is a terrible idea. We ended the world twice now.

Old Man: Technically you guys ended it four times.

Bennerino: We also created it once! We kinda made this one!

party pooper: Dad did that.

Lapdog: dude, the guy murdered you

Menace to Society: I think Klaus makes a good point.

Menace to Society: Let's not end this one as well.

Menace to Society: I finally got Claire back, I can't lose her again.

Old Guy: Yeah, lets not take it.

Bennerino: I told him we'd think about it.

Old Guy: That's good. Gives us more time to figure this out.

Bennerino: Are you guys still at Griddy's?

party pooper: Yep

Bennerino: Alright, stay there, I'm on my way. I'll buy you all a round of coffee

cakeless babe: will you buy me a donut to go with that, Bennerino?

Bennerino: sure

Menace to Society: You've already had four! You're gonna be up all night!

cakeless babe: shhhhhhhhhh

----

cakeless babe: Did everyone get home safe?

Old Man: I did.

Designated Driver: Just arrived at the hotel

party pooper: Ben and I just got home.

Lapdog: lila and i are just getting the kids ready for bed

cakeless babe: Good, just wanted to check. Allison is up in Claire's room rn

Lila sent a picture

(it's of Lila, Diego, their six-year-old daughter Gracie and their 4-year-old twins.

They're all brushing their teeth and smiling into the camera, their mouths full of toothpaste.)

cakeless babe: awwwwwww you guys are adorable!!!!!

Designated Driver: aw, very cute

party pooper: you've got a lovely family, guys

cakeless babe: I don't feel so good...

Designated Driver: Oh no, what's wrong?

cakeless babe: Allison told me to stop worrying. That I just had too many donuts... but idk... I feel weird...

party pooper: You did have a lot of donuts buddy...

cakeless babe: I know..... you're right, it's probably nothing......

2:16 a.m.

cakeless babe: what if I'm dying??

Old Man: Klaus, it's 2a.m.

Old Man: You're not dying.

Old Man: You just had too many donuts.

Old Man: Go back to sleep.

cakeless babe: okay

2:28 a.m.

cakeless babe: what if I am thooo?????

cakeless babe: what if I go to sleep and then die and never wake up?

Old Man: Klaus, deep breaths. You're fine. You just had too many donuts. This is normal.

cakeless babe: i just tthrew upppp

Old Man: Can you wake Allison?

cakeless babe: I don't wanna bother her.... she was kinda annoyed earlier when I told her I'm worried.....

Old Man: I'm sure she'll understand. Just wake her up.

cakeless babe: oki :,((

Old Man: What do those mean?

cakeless babe: it's a crying face

Old Man: How?

cakeless babe: tilt your head sideways

Old Man: I still don't see it.

2:40 a.m.

Menace to Society: I'm driving Klaus to the hospital.

Old Man: Are they okay?

Menace to Society: I don't think it's too serious, but he's got a little bit of a temperature. It just calms him when I take him just in case.

Old Man: Okay, that's good. I didn't want to say anything earlier, cause I didn't want to freak them out, but I also feel a little sick. Maybe one of the kids at that party had something contagious?

cakeless babe: do kids get rabies??

cakeless babe: oh god maybe it's covid!! I've already had that three times!!!!

Old Man: Yeesh.

cakeless babe: maybe you should also go to the hospital? Just to be sure?

Old Man: Nah, I'm fine, don't worry about it. I'm sure it'll be gone by the morning.

cakeless babe: Drink lots of fluids, old man. Maybe make some tea.

cakeless babe: what are you still doing up anyways?

Old Man: Couldn't sleep.

cakeless babe: why not?

Old Man: Bad dreams.

cakeless babe: aw, those suck :( what about?

Old Man: The apocalypse. Can we drop it though?

cakeless babe: sure, don't worry, I got you. If you ever need someone to talk to about those I'm here tho, okay?

Old Man: Thanks, Klaus.

Old Man: I appreciate it.

cakeless babe: any time

cakeless babe: we're almost at the hospital now. I'll update later.

cakeless babe: if Allison doesn't kill us while parallel parking... jesus

Old Man: Alright. Talk later.