Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dede-Disaster Planning

Dedede: So, I have summoned you all here for one reason, and one reason only.

Susie: Look, I’ve got a date in 2 hours, so can we skip the dramatics and get straight to the point?

Dedede: We’re brainstorming ways to make Kirby swear.

Susie: I’m out.

Dedede: WHY?!

Susie: Because I am a decent person, and I don’t wanna make my boyfriend angry.

Susie leaves, not wanting to get involved.

Dark Meta Knight: I think that this is a great idea, and I have just the thing for this.

Dedede: Good, go get it!

Dark Meta Knight: I am going to be about 2 weeks, so if you manage to make Kirby swear before then, I will congratulate you by paying for lunch.

Meta Knight: Oh boy. He’s serious about this.

Marx: Good luck. I’ve been trying for years.

Attempt 1: Strawberry Short-Fake

A delicious looking plastic strawberry shortcake is left in a box on Kirby's doorstep.

Kirby: What’s this? *opens box* FREE SHORTCAKE!

Kirby attempts to stab the shortcake with a fork, with no success.

Kirby: Uh, that’s weird. Oh well.

Kirby just throws the fork upwards, and then he inhales the cake.

Kirby: GAH! 

He spits the cake out, as it is made of plastic.

Kirby: THAT THING’S MADE OF PLASTIC! WHY?!

Attempt 2: Pain

Kirby is weaving around a minefield of dropped LEGO in his room when Marx jumps through the window and blasts an air horn, startling Kirby and causing him to fall on several pieces.

Kirby: OW FLUFF!

Yin-Yarn’s sock glows and Prince Fluff emerges.

Prince Fluff: You call- MOTHERFUCKER THAT HURTS!

Attempt 3: Three Mage Sisters

Zan Partizanne: So your plan is to just start a ring of fire centered around Kirby?

Flamberge: Yep!

Zan Partizanne: That’s not really going to do much.

Flamberge: Okay, Parmesan, how would you improve it?

Francisca: What if I flash freeze Kirby, then you strike him with lightning, and then light the area on fire?

Flamberge: Perfect!

The execution of said plan could have used a better location.

Kirby: Well, nothing like a quick boss fight to get the blood pumping. Shame about the collateral damage.

Dedede: I’m just used to it at this point.

Elfilis: I believe this is yours?
He drops a throne in front of Dedede.

Attempt 4: Unintentional Arson (ft. Adeleine)

Kirby: MY HOUSE!

Adeline: So I tried to paint a sunset from memory, it ended up looking like a firestorm, and I used the wrong brush…

Kirby: Ah, fuhgeddaboudit. I can build another house.

Kirby: Might take me a while to get the insurance on my gotcha figurine collection. 

Luma Dee: When did you insure that?

Kirby: When I got back from Waddle Dee Town. Given how Popstar faces threats every so often, I thought it would be a good idea.

Kirby: Good thing I gave the Dimensional Sock to Shadow Kirby last week.

Attempt 5: Mario Party

Kirby: I am never going to forgive Dedede for this one. Truly.

Dedede: KIRBY! I’m not the bad guy here! What are you doing?!

Kirby: You should jump into Magma Mountain, NOW! Drown in the lava, NOW!

Attempt 6: Karaoke…

Marx: And here we are! The karaoke bar!

Kirby: And why are we here?

Magolor: To sing to our hearts content!

Marx: And we are starting with all three of us singing the Cuss-Swear Song!

Marx takes a deep breath.

Magolor: Kirby left.

Marx: FUCK!

Attempt 7: Cats

A cucumber is thrown at Kirby who simply throws it back.

The cucumber lands in front of Galacta Knight and Elfilis who instantly bolt.

Galacta Knight: SWEET MAGIAJAM! WHAT THE FUCK?!

Attempt 8: Dark Matter

The sky has gone completely black, much to everyone’s consternation.

Kirby: Oh, this again. Ribbon, grab the Crystal Gun! I’ll get the Love Love Stick.

Keeby: What about the Rainbow Sword?

Kirby: That broke after I defeated Dark Matter Swordsman.

Several failures later…

Shadow Kirby

Dark Meta Knight: I bring you my tool for making Kirby swear!

Dedede: That’s Shadow Kirby.

Dark Meta Knight: Observe.

Kirby walks in.

Kirby: So what did you want me for, DMK?

Dark Meta Knight: I want you to kiss Shadow Kirby on the cheek.

Kirby: NO!

Shadow, realizing what’s happening: Oh come on, *in baby voice* Do you not love me?

Kirby: *Loudly* God fucking damnit Shadow…

A thick silence encases the room.

Kirby leaves quickly, embarrassed and annoyed.

Marx: That’s it?

Shadow Kirby: I just know how to push his buttons.

Chapter Text

Kirby: I’m taking Susie on a date off planet, so I won’t be available for a few hours.

Dedede: Okay.

Kirby: So I’m leaving you three in charge until I get back. Okay?

Dedede: Yeah, I can handle that.

Meta Knight: Of course!

Bandana Dee: You can count on us!

Kirby: Alright. I’mma get going. See ya later!

30 minutes later…

Mako: Hello gentlemen.

Meta Knight: Welcome, great dragon. I trust that your flight wasn’t troublesome?

Mako: No, it was not.

Dedede: Enough with the pleasantries, I wanna talk business.

Mako: Do not rush me, penguin.

Luma Dee: Cut him some slack. He’s been stressed about this meeting all day.

Mako: Good. That makes two of us.

Bandana Dee: Right this way, everyone.

The group heads to the throne room.

Dedede, now sitting on his throne: So the issue is that your presence in Dream Land has been stressing the populus.

Mako: So I’ve noticed.

Much much later, the conversation has gone from serious matters to more mundane topics. Meta Knight has also had a glass or 2 of wine.

Mako: And so I said to him, “If you dare try to touch my scales, I will destroy you and your company quicker than me consuming white chocolate.

Dedede: Why white chocolate specifically?

Mako: It’s my favorite.

Meta Knight, of (not) sound mind: YOU DARE ENJOY THAT MOCKERY OF CHOCOLATE?!

Bandana Dee: Yes. Milk chocolate is just a meh treat. And dark chocolate is too bitter to really be enjoyed.

Meta Knight: Oh good. There is still hope for you both.

Dedede: Are you saying that dark chocolate is bad?

Meta Knight: Yes! It needs sugar supplements!

Mako: The only time I will tolerate dark chocolate is when I’m just having a bad day, and I feel like trash.

Luma Dee: I feel you there. Dark chocolate is a bit more intense than I can take. 

Luma Dee: I can take it, but it is not my first choice.

Dedede: I can’t believe you work for me.

Meta Knight: Meanwhile on the other end, Mako and Bandee like white chocolate!

Mako: Because it gives the kick of sweetness that I crave!

Luma Dee: incoherent hissing

Bandana Dee: What?! At the very least it’s nice, and versatile when making desserts!

Luma Dee: White Chocolate is not chocolate. It's a sweet milky disappointment.

Mako: You dare disrespect such deliciousness in the same room as I?!

Luma Dee: Cry about it.

Cue OST: The Star Conquering Traveler (Yes, I understand it’s Void’s, but do I care if it gets reused? NO)

Luma Dee: Oh, nice boss music. Wait, WHY DO I HAVE A HEALTH BAR?!

The quaint mood of the throne room devolved into chaos and violence as a great fight broke out.

2 hours later…

Kirby is returning to his house with an unconscious Susie and a modified Poison ability.

Kirby: Well that was an interesting night-

Kirby: Why is Castle Dedede on fire again?

Kirby drops Susie off at his house, then goes to Castle Dedede.

Kirby: What the heck happened here?!

Meta Knight: A debate on which chocolate is better. Which side are you on?!

Kirby: The side that makes sure the entire castle burns to the ground.

Kirby: I have been busy tonight unpacking Susie’s trauma and actions when she has no self control, and while I’m trying my best to salvage the latter half of my date,

Friend Matter: instead of being responsible beings who have self control and decency,

Friend Matter: YOU ARE ALL FIGHTING OVER WHAT FUCKING TYPE OF CHOCOLATE IS BETTER?!

Meta Knight: Oh dear.

Friend Matter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Castle Dedede explodes. The power of said explosion put the end of NOVA to shame and proceeded to ignite Luma Dee’s residual Soul Matter.

Meanwhile in the Mirror world…

Shadow Kirby: I think something might have happened.

Dark Meta Knight: Why do you think that?

Shadow Kirby: My Kirby swear sense is going off, and last I checked, he has a date tonight.

Suddenly, Dark Meta Knight’s mask shatters.

Dark Meta Knight: …

Dark Meta Knight: This should be an interesting incident report…

Shadow Kirby: I’m starting to see why he gave me the Patch Land Sock.

Chapter Text

Susie awakens in Kirby’s house, with a screaming headache.

Susie: Oh my head… What happened?

Kirby: You got blackout drunk.

Susie: Oh geez. I didn’t say anything weird, right?

Kirby: Let me just recap the whole night…

The previous evening, near Onion Ocean…

Susie: So it’s a sort of sports bar?

Kirby: Kinda? It offers great views of the surrounding area along with on-planet entertainment.

Susie: And it’s not on Popstar?

Kirby: Yep!

Arrival at the place

Susie: Oh boy… I’m a bit nervous.

Kirby: Don’t worry, you’ll be fine! Besides, we are going to be enjoying some good food!

Kirby: I even managed to get one of the good tables.

Susie: OOO!

After a rather successful start, with great food, and a drink or two, Kirby and Susie are more relaxed.

Kirby: Wanna hear a fun fact you can’t get from Meta Knight?

Susie: About what?

Kirby: Me!

Susie: Sure! What’s this fact that Meta Knight doesn’t know?

Kirby: If I get about a quarter liter of pure alcohol in me in 10 minutes, I get the Drunk Poison ability.

Susie: Pfft- What!? A drunk poison?!

Kirby: Yep! Fun fact, I accidentally found out about this during the Star Dream Incident. 

Susie: Wha… how?

Kirby: Haltworkers were drinking in a breakroom, and I might have stolen one, or 20 drinks.

Susie: And yet I wondered why you were capable of getting through everything so quickly.

Cheering can be heard from the bar.

Kirby: You wanna hit up the bar to see what’s happening?

Susie: Sure, why not!

A choice Kirby will soon regret.

Announcer: And Luigi makes the shot! FROM HALF-COURT!

Susie: How did that even make it in?! I don’t get it!

Kirby: I have no idea!

Both laughing.

3 drinks in…

Susie: AND YOU THINK I CAN HAVE A NEW DRESS MADE FROM A COW?! YOU CAN’T!

Kirby: THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE!

Susie: IT DOESN’T HAVE TO, I’VE GOT 15 MONSTER TRUCKS BACK HOME! 

7 drinks in…

Susie: FLY DAMN YOU!

Kirby: Wait, Susie, don’t-!

Susie throws her phone at the wall.

Kirby, holding back laughter: That’s not what airplane mode does!

Kirby loses it, and starts laughing.

Susie: ANOTHER ROUND!

9 drinks in…

Susie: And because of that stupid computer, now I have no father, no one to support me, and an entire company to manage on my own!

Kirby: Oh dear. Maybe that’s enough?

Susie: Oh please, I can control how much I drink.

14 drinks in… (No, she can’t)

Susie: Are you busy later, Pinky?

Kirby: I have a girlfriend.

Susie: WHAT?! YOU’RE TAKEN?!

Kirby: It’s you!

Susie: Sure, Pinky. Last I checked, you blew up the Access Ark.

Kirby: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO ARMED ME TO DO SO!

20 drinks in… (Susie’s Blood-Alcohol level is now 0.4. Send help)

Susie is currently juggling 17 steak knives, 7 chairs, 3 blasters with the safety off, and an entire table.

Kirby: HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS?!

24 drinks in…

Susie: IF MAGOLOR WASN’T BLUE, THEN MAYBE HE WOULDN’T BE SUCH A LOSER!

Kirby: Why are you angry about that, of all things?

Susie: BECAUSE HE’S BLUE!!

30 drinks in… (we have hit the 2.5 hour mark since the first drink. How is Susie not dead?)

Susie: And then my dad said that when I got to be older, I would get to see the stars! And he didn’t even lie!

Susie: Can I have more apple juice please?

Kirby: Just do it. I’m at a loss on what to do.

35 drinks in…

Susie: Kirby, you *hic* you still love me, despite everything I’ve *hic* done?

Kirby: Given the fact that I still love ya despite how drunk you are, that’s saying something.

Susie then pulls Kirby into a heated kiss, causing everyone left in the bar to start cheering.

Kirby, internally: Didn’t expect that.

Kirby gains the Drunk Poison copy ability.

The kiss breaks.

Susie: You taste like a sweet scoop of strawberry ice cream…

Susie FINALLY passes out. (Took long enough)

Kirby: Well. This has been an interesting night.

Kirby: What does the bill come to?

Bartender: Thankfully for you, a lot of people were so entertained by your girlfriend’s antics that they covered most of her drinks.

Bartender: Your total is 138400 Star Coin.

Kirby: Oh thank goodness.

Kirby pays the bill, then carries Susie to the warp star waiting outside.

Kirby: I hope everything was okay back home.

As the last chapter has clearly shown, everything was decidedly NOT okay back home.

Chapter Text

Susie and Silvis are currently at Mako’s, engaging in some digital tomfoolery.

Silvis: It is my professional opinion that YOU IS A MOTHERFUCKER!

Star Dream: I am simply efficient at my purpose.

Susie: Are they counting cards again?

Mako: Most likely.

Several rounds later, everyone is royally pissed off and trying to think of something else to do.

Silvis: I may not have a brain. But I have an idea.

Susie: What did you do?

Susie: I DIDN’T AGREE TO THIS!

Susie has been placed in Star Dream’s cockpit against her better judgment.

Mako: Look, I don’t fit, and Silvis would be a disaster.

Silvis: Never before have I been so offended by something I 100% agree with.

Mako: Look, the system doesn’t even have the Soul OS anymore! It will be fine.

Susie: Okay…

Mako: Here, put this on.

Mako hands her Star Dream’s control helmet.

Silvis: Initiating in 3…

Susie: It’s safe. Mako said so.

Silvis: 2…

Susie: Don’t bail out. Don’t bail out. Don’t bail out.

Silvis: 1…

Susie: I’M NOT READY!

Silvis: GO!

Silvis activates Star Dream and it starts syncing up with Susie right as she throws the helmet across the room.

Silvis: …

Silvis: Well, shuck.

Mako: SUSANNA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Susie: …

She summarily passes out as the stress of Star Dream proves to be too much for her mind without the Access Ark.

1 minute later, everything turns out to be decidedly not fine.

Silvis: So how do we get her out of the computer?

Mako: I’m checking… Shutting it off would trap her permanently, a reboot would do the same thing, “do not damage it, as threat assessment programs target soul data” What were the Ancients on when they made Star Dream?!

Silvis: How and why do you have an instruction manual for Star Dream?

Mako: Actually, this is the main computer copy. Susie has the full system copy.

Silvis: When this is over, you will be able to tell me how your foot tastes.

Mako: AH! Here we are. “In case of emergency, to forcefully eject a soul from Star Dream’s Primary OS Soul Interface System, you must open the back panel, and cross the main power supply with the wish system control wire while the Soul OS is disabled or uninstalled. Please note that this will only eject souls that have not had their related bodies atomized.”

Silvis: WHY IS STAR DREAM CAPABLE OF DOING THAT?!

Mako: Again, what were the Ancients on when they made Star Dream?

Kirby: Hey, guys, just checking in on-

Silvis activates her mobile wish system to send Kirby to Ripple Star.

Silvis: The last thing we need is for Kirby to find out.

Mako: Agreed.

Meanwhile in Star Dream’s Soul Database…

Susie: Well crud. Guess I’m doomed.

Max: Susie? Is that you?!

Susie: Huh?

Max: IT IS YOU! MY BABY GIRL!!

Susie: DAD?! You… Remember?!

Max: No thanks to the machine I get to call my permanent hell.

Susie: Guess this thing should really be put down, huh?

Max: Well, your little pink friend would be the best candidate to do so.

Susie: Oh Kirby!

Susie: Oh Kirby…

Max: Is something wrong?

Susie: So I may have started dating him…

Max: I’m sorry, YOU WHAT?! Look, I may not have been in my right mind, but he is still a savage.

Susie: Counterpoint: We were invading his home planet, and he is its primary defender.

Max: Okay, that’s fair. He treats you well, right?

Susie: Yep. Though there have been developments that were… interesting, to say the least.

Max: Okay, I-

Glitching

Max: Oh boy, I think they’re about to get you out…

Susie: But, I barely got to talk to you!

Max: I know, but remember this. No matter what, you are my daughter, and I love you.

Susie: I love you too, Dad.

Back in reality…

Susie gasps awake.

Mako: Whew, we got ya… Why are you crying?

Susie: A dream of mine came true even after it was shattered into a million pieces.

Kirby: Care to explain why you sent me to Ripple Star?

Mako: No.

Susie: They got me stuck in Star Dream.

Mako: YOU THREW THE HELMET OFF!

Friend Matter: You fucking what?

Mako: In my defense, Susie removed the helmet before synchronization could properly finish. This was her fault.

If anyone were to ask what the weirdest thing Susie has ever experienced, it would be being encased in Friend Matter while watching it beat up two people who were doing their best to keep her safe.

Chapter Text

At the laundromat… (You kids probably don’t even know what that is.)

Adeliene: Well this sucks.

Gooey: Why does it suck?

Mako: Back in my day-

Adeliene: Okay, boomer.

Susie, who just walked in: OH COME ON!

Mako: For your information, I’m older than Void.

Ribbon: Okay, boomer.

Void: If she was a boomer, I would be a millennial.

Ribbon: Why are you even here?

Void: Cause I love my mom, and we’re getting ice cream later.

Mako: Also, why is Gooey in the washing machine?

Susie: what.

Adeliene: what.

Ribbon: what.

Gooey: It’s fun in here!

Adeliene: NOVA FUCKING DAMNIT!

Ribbon: It’s not that bad?

Adeliene: How is it not bad?!

Susie: I’ve seen Kirby sleep in a dryer while it was running.

Adeliene: The worst part is that I can actually see the reasoning behind it.

Susie: Furthermore, when it finished, he came out with the Spark ability.

Susie: He entered with Water.

Mako: Why did he-

Void: We were practicing.

Chapter Text

We start during a simple quiet day in Rainbow Resort. An argument has broken out on the Star Allies Chat, and the dragon living in a rather ornate cave about half a mile away from the fountain of dreams is fuming…

RealDragonHours - WELL I NEVER! YOU THINK THAT REGULAR CONDIMENTS ARE SUPPOSED TO NOT BE MIXED?!

PoyoMaster87 - YES! WHY WOULD ONE MIX THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

RealDragonHours - HEATHEN!! You can create new flavors like never before!

System - PoyoMaster87 used a bad word.

NightPoyo - And that’s a swear.

AdminHalt silenced two people for 3 hours.

AdminHalt - Alright you 2. If you wanna keep arguing about this, keep it out of the group chat.

QuadDragon - Wow, that got heated faster than a summer day here in Halcandra.

Mako smiles due to getting the last word.

Kirby: KNOCK KNOCK DRAGON FLUFFER!

Mako: It can never be that easy, can it?

Mako, to Kirby: WHAT!

Kirby: Soy sauce doesn’t belong in ketchup, mustard, ranch, or teriyaki sauce.

Mako: One, soy sauce is divine.

Mako: Two, ketchup is a disaster of a condiment.

Mako: Three, soy sauce is one of the primary ingredients in teriyaki sauce.

Kirby: Well, screw me, I never read the ingredients label.

Mako: Congratulations, you’re now the most likely Star Ally to get poisoned.

Kirby: Jokes on you, I have a copy ability for that!

Mako: At least I’m not a gluttonous monster that hates anyone who looks at their food wrong.

Kirby: One, rude. Two, I’m not Marx.

Mako: Oh right, you’re worse.

Kirby: Oh shut up. Your mother bought you mega blocks instead of legos.

Kirby used vicious mockery. It doesn’t affect the opposing Mako.

Kirby: I thought that would work.

Mako: Cute. You thought I had parents.

Mako: Spoiler alert. I don’t. My only parent was the void that used to be this multiverse.

Kirby: At the very least I have a father who checks up on me every week to see if I’m doing okay while you are just a lonely dragon with no real family to call your own.

Kirby smiled, proud of his flex.

Cue OST: In The Final

Kirby: Why do I hear Mario boss music?!

The Dragon of Reality

The creator of the multiverse, Mako has always felt loneliness

in her heart since the dawn of time. Maybe one day, she will

be able to live without feeling like those she knows see her

as a tool to gain power. She is a suffering god with no family.

Waddle Dee: Oh great, L O R E…

Void: I may want to talk to her later…

Kirby, who is now feeling the terror of a child who has angered their mother, says “Oh I messed with the bull, and now I’m getting the horns.” He then gets attacked by the Dragon of Reality.

20 craters, 19 Dark Matter Drones, 18 Dedede’s Drum Dash Deluxes, 17 black holes, 16 white holes, 15 Merry Magoland tickets, 14 exploited glitch speedruns, 13 Animatronics, 12 boss themes, 11 Cherries, 10 Copy Abilities, 9 Megaton punches, 8 planets, 7 bottles of water, 6 heat deaths of the universe, 5 Energy Drinks, 4 Maxim Tomatoes, 3 PTSD moments, 2 Soul Bosses, and 1 hour later…

Dragon of Reality: How are you not dead?!

Siamo Zero: I have no idea!

Popstar starts to quake, cracks forming all over the planet.

Siamo Zero: Hey, whoa whoa! Don’t you think destroying the entire planet is a bit much?!

Dragon of Reality: If Elfilis is willing to do it, so am I!

Siamo Zero: Fair point, but seriously, do you really wanna destroy the only people who you’ve ever been able to call friends?

The quakes stop. A minute later, the Dragon of Reality starts to sob, with tears made of pure energy.

Dragon of Reality: I’ve never had a real family, everyone just…

Her speech quickly melts into ugly sobbing.

Siamo Zero, now FINALLY feeling bad about what he said, gives her a wing.

Siamo Zero: There, there. I’m sorry about what I said, I didn’t think it would hurt so much…

Dragon of Reality: Next time, can you not escalate things so much?

Siamo Zero: Sure.

Waddle Dee: THERE THEY ARE! 

They turn to find an angry mob ready to lynch them both for nearly destroying Popstar.

Siamo Zero: So I heard Aqua Star was lovely this time of year!

Dragon of Reality: Nah. I prefer to deal with the consequences of my actions.

The Dragon of Reality proceeds to incinerate the mob, leaving nothing behind, except for a butterfly.

Morpho Knight: CAN YOU FUCKERS NOT HAVE A WORLD ENDING DISASTER FOR FIVE MINUT- OH COME ON, REALLY MISTRESS?!

Dragon of Reality: Look, Morpho. I’ve had a really heated day, so I would like it if my own servants would not bother me about my actions.

Morpho Knight: Why did I pick Popstar, WHY did I pick POPSTAR?!

Siamo Zero: Because you get to try to kick my ass every True Arena now.

Morpho Knight: Mistress, I don’t get what you see in him.

Siamo Zero: Wait, YOU SEND HIM AFTER ME?!

Dragon of Reality: You’ll understand when you’re older.

Morpho Knight: Oh boy, here we go again…

Siamo Zero: WHAT DO YOU MEAN AGAIN?!

The Next Day

Mako: And that’s the last of it.

Kirby: So. No more Soul Fights against each other?

Mako: Agreed.

Kirby: I might need to move planets for a bit. Where was Galacta Knight held?

Mako: Don’t worry. I have you covered.

A rift opens in front of them.

Kirby: Where does this lead?

Mako: My personal dimension.

Shadow Kirby: KIRBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Kirby: WELP, TIME TO LEAVE!

Shadow Kirby: Why does it seem like Kirby is in your soul?

Chapter Text

During a Gourmet Race…

Kirby: Yummy!

King Dedede: That was burnt to such a crisp that it was practically charcoal.

Kirby: Whaddaya mean? It was a great mix of sweet and salt! That caramel was a bit oversalted, but other than that, it was perfect!

Another Dimension

Dedede: I’m not sure if I want to know, but I’ll ask anyway. What do those star blocks even taste like?

Kirby: Not really much. Just salt for some. A few even have entire cakes inside for some reason.

Bandana Dee: Can we focus on what star blocks taste like AFTER we get the hell out of this place?!

Hypernova

Kirby: Ahh… That hits the spot.

Bandana Dee: You just ATE the local Whispy Woods clone! What the fuck?!

Kirby: My stomach’s a black hole, you should know this.

Star Dream Soul OS True Arena

Kirby decides to eat his set of cherries before violently hacking them up as he is blindsided by the taste.

Kirby: What the fuck?! Why were those so tart?!

3 Days Later…

Dedede: So Kirby’s cooking is tasting better.

Bandana Dee: I daresay it’s actually edible for once.

Meta Knight: I was wondering when it would happen…

Shadow Kirby: Not that I’m ungrateful that I’m no longer the only one ragging on him, but what’s with all of you dissing Kirby?

Meta Knight: Actually, they are making valid points.

Meta Knight: Kirby’s taste buds have grown in proper.

Chapter Text

We join Susanna Haltmann during her day off, curious about what happened to her 2 chapters ago.

Susie: In terms of cybernetics, one of them is serving as a sort of data drive. But for what?

Susie: It seems to be using my hands for input, but outside that, there’s nothing to go off of.

Elfilis: Susie, do you need to go to Veaumond?

Susie: No.

Elfilis: Then get off my lawn.

Susie: ACK! EXCUSE ME!

Elfilis picks her up by their hands, carries her over to Kirby’s favorite nap spot, and then drops her on the grass before teleporting away.

Susie: The nerve!

Susie: Welp, back to pondering… Wait. Why is there a notification saying “Data Acquisition Successful”?

Susie expands the notification, and sees the option “Activate Shifter”.

Susie: That’s new. Well, it’s not like I have anything better to do.

Susie selects “Activate Shifter” and after shining for about 5 seconds, is now a gemini.

Susie: …

Susie: Oh how the tables have turned.

9 minutes, 8 black holes, 7 Waddle Dees, 6 trees, 5 star blocks, 4 unlucky puffballs, 3 new craters, 2 Waddle Doos, and a Floralian in a flower field later…

Susie: Alright! I finally have control of these powers.

Susie: Now for my revenge!

Kirby: Look miss, as much as I get that, I’m going to need you to either do it off planet, or not at all.

Susie is looking Kirby dead in the face, confused.

Kirby: Do I… know you?

Susie: If my own boyfriend can’t recognize me, then neither will that overgrown chinchilla.

Kirby: Alright. Now I’m curious. What did Elfilis do?

Susie: Carried me by my wrists over here.

Kirby: Maim him.

Susie: I’ll be back in time for dessert!

Shadow Kirby: You're not going to question if it’s really her?

Kirby: No. Now shut the fuck up and piss off.

5 more minutes later…

Susie is now laying down in front of Elfilis’s house, being lazy as heck.

Elfilis: Really. She gets so bent out of shape because I move her off my property, and then she has the nerve to find and send a random gemini to lay on my lawn?!

Susie: Who ya talkin’ bout?

Elfilis: An associate of mine. Now get off.

Susie: Hmm. Naw, this here grass is great in ma fur.

Elfilis: I tried to be nice. Now leave.

And so, a fight breaks out.

Elfilis starts by charging at Susie with his spear. Susie counters by summoning a heart shield to block the attack. “Really? Just going to cower behind a shield? Pathetic- ACK” Susie shoots Elfilis in the balls with a Star Blaster. Given the pain he was now in, Susie followed it up with several stabs and slices from a rapier she found during her teenage years. Elfilis eventually managed to block an attack with Antares, and follows up with an asteroid which Susie slices in half.

“Well, well, well. I guess you’ve grown lazy since you’ve gained your freedom.” Susie taunts. Elfilis, now properly angry, uses his attack “The Fermi Paradox’s Answer” to crush Susie. Needless to say, it missed. So he threw a semi truck at her instead. “Why?” “It’s an effective tool for killing. I would know.” Dodging the haphazardly thrown truck, Susie decides to teleport directly in Elfilis’s face, and fires a beam attack.

After that, Elfilis takes a moment to regain his balance. In that time, Susie opens a portal, pulls out a steel I beam, and conks Elfilis over the head with it.

Susie: I can’t believe I got away with that.

Elfilin: After careful consideration given your fighting tactics, you’re Susie, right?

Susie: Well, aren’t you a smart cookie?

Silvis: Ah, that explains a lot.

Meanwhile…

Elfilis: WHERE ARE YOU?!

Dedede: ELFILIS!!!

Elfilis: Oh for pete- WHAT?!

Dedede: Care to explain why you knocked the Halberd out of the air, and directly into my castle?

Elfilis: I’m sorry, what?

Meta Knight: You threw a semi at the Halberd, it hit the wing, causing it to crash into Castle Dedede.

Elfilis: I’m sorry, WHAT?!

Chapter Text

Fall had arrived in Dream Land, and everyone was getting ready for a frightening time. However, little did the Star Allies know it would be the scariest Halloween.

Except for Susie, who was trying (and failing) to convince her boyfriend not to go through with his plans.

Susie: What about Adeliene?

Kirby: She’s spending it on Ripple Star, so anyone with Dark Matter PTSD is already off planet.

Susie: King Dedede?

Kirby: Hosting the Halloween Party at his castle, so he won’t be trick or treating.

Susie: Meta Knight?!

Kirby: Assisting Dedede.

Susie: SHADOW KIR- Wait, you would willingly traumatize him with that form regardless of season.

Kirby: :)

Susie: What about the general population?

Kirby: Look, if Mako gets to use their shadow form, then I get to use my Zero form! Now please.
Siamo Zero: Drop It.
Susie: Okay. Okay. But if this blows up in your face, don’t say you weren’t warned.

Siamo Zero: Alright. I should, at the very least, give Dedede a heads up on what I’m doing.

5 minutes, 4 arguments, 3 pieces of verbal evidence, 2 Waddle Dees falling off a ladder, and a shouting match later…

Siamo Zero: Well that went well.

Susie, getting ready to get changed: Dedede was opposed to your idea?

Siamo Zero: Actually, he encouraged it. The party is starting a half hour later than pla- Why are you dressing up as one of the Mage Sisters?

Susie: Elfilin’s idea. Elfilin is dressing up as Hyness.

Siamo Zero, holding back laughter: Oh no. He’s starting a cuteness cult!

Susie, unfazed by the statement, just smirks, while Siamo Zero just falls to the ground in laughter.

Susie: Elfilis is dressing up as Zan Partizanne, while I’m going as Francisca. Silvis is going as Flamberge.

Siamo Zero: That… hoo… That doesn’t make sense. Elfilis can be very fired up by things, while Silvis shows less emotion than Meta Knight.

Susie: That’s because she holds you in such high regard, and remains stoic because she’s scared you’ll kill her if she steps a toe out of line.

Siamo Zero: Has she not read the Star Allies personnel files?

Susie: Nope. In addition to keeping up with patrols and training, as she is a new Star Ally, she is dealing with the file sorting system I used.

Siamo Zero: You keep all your files well organized.

Susie: But she brought up some information that gives a new light on my organization system, and as such, I had to reconsider everything while she reorganized the file system.

Siamo Zero: oh.

Susie: She finished last night, and still hasn't met Marx.

Susie: Also, Elfilis fought Void once. I know this because Galacta Knight was drunk last night, and spilled the info. And half his guts.

Siamo Zero: Geez. Welp, get ready, we are going to be having a fun night.

-

The setting sun paints the picture for a group of Gemini, already for a night of fright.

Susie: So, shall we head off?

Elfilis: Where’s your boyfriend?

Susie: He went ahead and helped Elfilin finish getting dressed up for Halloween.

Luma Soul: Hey, guys!

Silvis: Luma! Why aren’t you dressed up?

Luma Soul: I am an active Soul Boss that still hasn’t been put down. I think that’s enough.

Elfilin: I’m READY!

Silvis: Ah, finally, let’s get some candy!

Elfilis: Good, our leader is ready for a night of merriment.

Siamo Zero: Geez, you are really hamming it, aren’t cha?

Elfilis: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM, MONSTER?!

Luma Soul: Aaaaaaaaand, here comes an Incident…

3 Hyper Beams, 2 craters, and 1 explanation later

Elfilis: DO YOU HAVE THE SLIGHTEST IDEA HOW MUCH CHAOS YOU ARE GOING TO CAUSE?!

Siamo Zero: How do you think I was able to block your attacks in the first place?

Elfilis: Oh my fucking goodness, you do.

Susie: I was trying to dissuade him earlier, but he stood his ground on his choice of outfit.

Luma Soul: I’ll go inform planetary insurance.

Siamo Zero: I actually called them last week to see if things will be covered.

Elfilin: And?

Siamo Zero: As long as 75% of Popstar is intact, we won’t get an increase on our rates.

Susie: Oh thank goodness.

Siamo Zero: That’s in reference to the entire planet, so if the planet gets skinned, our rates are unaffected.

Susie, visibly flustered: When did you become fluent in legalese?

Siamo Zero: That’s the neat part! I didn’t.

Siamo Zero: I got Dedede to assist with that.

-

Meanwhile at Castle Dedede, he hears several lasers charge up.

Dedede: Why did I agree to this, again?

-

Siamo Zero: So that’s covered.

Elfilin: Alright, that’s enough! Let’s go!

-

The first 20 or so houses were fine, with no problems aside from people getting scared of Siamo Zero the moment they notice him.

When they got to the park to meet up with the rest of the trick or treating crew, that’s when things went downhill.

-

Galacta Knight: So what’s Kirby going as for Halloween?

Meta Knight: I have no idea. Dedede knows, but was sworn to secrecy.

Siamo Zero: Hey guys!

Galacta Knight: SWEET MAGIAJAM, WHERE’D VOID COME FROM?!

Void: I’m right here. That’s Siamo Zero.

Galacta Knight proceeds to attempt to skewer Siamo Zero, but is stopped by an unexpected whack to the face.

Elfilin: Stop it!

Galacta Knight: The Destroyer of Worlds in right in front of me, and you expect me to not do anything to them?!

Elfilin: Yes, because the TRUE Destroyer of Worlds is across the street!

Void: How did you not know I reincarnated?

Galacta Knight: YOU THINK I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES?!

Void: Well, with how often you’re called for True Arenas, yes.

Galacta Knight: THAT’S IT, FUCKER, GET OVER HERE!

Galacta Knight proceeds to get flattened onto the pavement.

Waddle Dee: OUT OF THE ROAD, BOZO!

-

One first aid session later…

Luma Soul: This is turning out surprisingly tame…

Siamo Zero: I’m expecting it to get more chaotic at the party.

Galacta Knight: I am so tempted to Soul myself right now.

Void: Please don’t, we don’t need more Soul Bosses.

Luma Dee: Says the literal God of our universe.

Void: Who also got Soullified twice, leading to their butt being handed to them by Kirby, Magolor, Susie, Taranza, Bandana Dee, Chef Kawasaki, and a very dedicated Waddle Doo.

Siamo Zero: Ah yes… Failboat…

Void: I hear he went as a Piplup, right?

Susie: Actually, he went as a poison-type Piplup.

Luma Soul: Man, he REALLY isn’t beating the Piplup allegations anytime soon, is he?

Elfilis: No, he is not.

-

After 30 or so houses, with varying levels of fear towards Siamo Zero

Siamo Zero: Which is to be expec- OUCH!

Don’t interrupt the narrator. I can and will destroy your livelihood.

Siamo Zero: Fine!

Now, where was I… Ah, yes. Our crew arrived at the Lor Starcutter, which had been turned into a haunted mansion for the evening.

Magolor: Ah welcome to the haunt of your life! I see you have my Very Best Friend with you as well!

Random Waddle Dee dressed up as Kirby: Hehe…

Magolor: Don’t worry, admission is free to all! But be warned, some groups didn’t make it out alive…

Marx: Cause I ate em.

Magolor: Please ignore the clown, he hasn’t had his dinner yet.

Marx: Correction, I’m the entire circus.

Siamo Zero: When’s the last time you used a Copy Ability?

Marx: Today, ya stupid kid.

Siamo Zero: Kid? Are you sure about that?

Magolor is currently looking around Siamo, who is right behind an unsuspecting Marx.

Magolor: OH MY GODS! OH GOD! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK, OKAY?! NOT OKAY!

Marx: What? I just said it’s a…

Marx: Oh.

Marx: Hold on, you’re still a kid. My point still stands.

Marx: Also, 10/10 for the form use.

Magolor: I’m not referring to Kirby, I’m referring to Elfilin. HE’S STARTED A CULT!

Siamo Zero: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS, ELFILIN!

Elfilin: IT’S NOT MY FAULT I’M SO CUTE!

Elfilis: It is, and I will hold it against you.

Susie: Honestly, I’m surprised you guys didn’t notice earlier. These kids have been with us ever since Galacta Knight got run over.

Suddenly, Christmas music can be heard playing. This upset Luma Soul immensely.

Luma Soul: I’ll be right back.

5 seconds later…

Magolor: I can’t believe he fell for that.

Marx: I can’t believe I picked the perfect song.

Bandana Dee: It’s not the track, he’s always like that with Christmas music outside of December. Nearly started a war against Mako.

Siamo Zero: Sounds about right.

Bandana Dee: Also, HOW ARE NEITHER OF YOU FAZED BY THIS?! (Gesturing to Siamo Zero)

Magolor: Been there, done that. Not fun.

Marx: Why do you think NOVA can’t grant wishes anymore?

Magolor: Wait, NOVA’s working again?

Marx: Finished yesterday. Now my house can talk to me!

Susie: I’m glad we took back the Access Ark after Soul OS…

Bandana Dee: By the way, shouldn’t it be colder?

An explosion happens, and the Christmas music stopped.

Siamo Zero: And that’s Luma Soul.

Bandana Dee: Shall we head to the party?

Siamo Zero: Sure.

Siamo Zero: Oh I got an idea!

-

Dedede’s phone goes off.

Dedede: A message at this time? Alright, can you read this out loud?

Waddle Dee: Sure!

Waddle Dee: Roses are red, chess needs strategy.

Waddle Dee: I am 100 meters from your location and approaching rapidly.

Waddle Dee: Start running.

Dedede: Well, that’s not ominous.

Siamo Zero: Peekaboo!

Dedede screams like a little girl, enticing laughter from Marx, Elfilis, and Bandana Dee.

Everyone else in the throne room notices the scream, followed by Siamo, and THEN everything falls into anarchy.

Dedede, now composed: ALRIGHT THAT’S ENOUGH! CALM DOW- STOP USING THE PUNCH BOWL AS A SHIELD!

Captain Doo: Sorry.

After cleaning up from the scare, and assuring everyone that there wasn’t another Dark Matter Invasion…

Hyness: Finally, we’re here.

Flamberge: Let’s ransack the candy- wait are those gemini dressed up as us?

Fransica: Oh my Void, they are.

Zan Partizanne: I see you took to the idea.

Elfilin: Yes. I’ve gotten in trouble twice, but it was worth it.

Zan Partizanne: In trouble? Why?

Elfilin: So far this evening, I ended up starting 4 cults.

Elfilin: One intentionally.

Flamberge: So who’s Franny?

Elfilin: Oh, that’s just Susie.

Francisca: How…?

Elfilin: Star Dream.

Flamberge: That explains so much and so little all at once.

Suddenly, a dashing shadow dragonling in a beautiful outfit fashioned to look like an Ancient Egyptian pharaoh walks in.

Dedede: You’re late.

Mako: Fashionably late.

Mako notices what Kirby did for Halloween.

Mako: Oh my goodness, you took the idea to heart…

Siamo Zero: So where’s my 200 star coin?

Mako: I WAS KIDDING !

Chapter Text

OST: Invincibility Candy Gigamix

Elfilis: Why do I hear guitars?
Susie: I’ll take care of this…
Suddenly, the nearest set of doors bursts open.
Kirby: I HOLD THE POWER OF THE MASTER CROWN, DARK MATTER, NOVA, STAR DREAM, EVERY SOUL BOSS EX, ALL 634 POWER STARS, ALL 880 POWER MOONS, ALL SEVEN CRYSTAL STARS, ALL SEVEN CHAOS EMERALDS, ZA WARUDO, AND THE CRYSTAL GUN!
Susie is hit in the head with one of the doors, knocking her out.
Elfilis: SWEET MOTHER OF ME! WHAT THE FUCK?!

Later, at Castle Dedede
Dedede: Why is everyone in town in a riot?! Did someone start another revolt against you?
Mako: I slept through last month!
Meta Knight: Why is there a rainbow comet heading for us right now?
Siamo Zero: BEHOLD MY TRUE POWER!
Dedede: HIT THE DECK!
Meta Knight gets hit by an errant blob of Friend Matter, shattering his mask.
Meta Knight: I CAN TASTE RAINBOWS!
Mako: Take this!
Mako uses Hyper Beam. It doesn’t affect the opposing Siamo Zero.
Mako: That should have done some damage!
Dedede: Look behind the eye.
Mako: Are those… invincibility lollipops?!
Dedede: Yep. We’re fucked.
Mako: Oh shi-
Mako and Dedede get infected.
Dedede immediately starts laughing in his anime voice.
Mako: THE FUTURE IS IN THE PAST! ONWARD, AOSHIMA!

Shadow Kirby: I can taste sunshine and smell rainbows WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Dark Meta Knight, maskless: I DOn’t kNOw, BUT cannae yA heLP me WITH thIs ROwbOaT, bUddY?
Shadow Dedede: Did he get into drugs or sumthin?
Shadow Kirby: Let’s just assume something happened topside because that’s always the fucking case around here.
Prince Fluff: So I assume today’s not the day for tours?
Shadow Kirby: The fuck do you think?! It’s a good day for UNO!
Shadow Dedede: Yeah, they’re high.

Galacta Knight: So he got hit with this… Friend Matter?
Sailor Dee: Yes.
Galacta Knight: And now he is effectively high, despite the lack of drugs in his system?
Sailor Dee: Yes. Why are you- Oh brother.
Galacta Knight: FINALLY I CAN FORGET ABOUT MY PAIN FOR A FEW HOURS!
Sailor Dee: Ugh. I’ll call Insurance…
Bandana Dee: Join us!
Sailor Dee: OR NOT! AAAAAAA-

Mace Knight: FOR THE LAST TIME! I DON’T SWING THAT WAY!
Sword Knight: But even the homies kiss goodnight!
Galacta Knight: Come on! Join us!

Jim, from HWC Accounting Department: So, what’s happening outside?
Gooey: Friends!
Jim: That makes no se- why are you pink?
Gooey: FRIENDS!
Jim: Welp… I’ve seen enough horror movies to know where this is going. And I am fucked.

Magolor: So something is happening on the surface.
Taranza: What now?
Magolor: I think someone is trying to take over. Again.
Marx, flying up from the surface: SAVE YOURSELVES!
Magolor: The fact that it’s Marx saying that while nearly going Soul and flying at Mach 1 gives me concern…
Taranza: Oh dear. Wait…
Magolor: What is it?
Taranza: There’s something coming, it looks- SECTIONIA?!
Magolor: NOT SCIENTIFICALLY POSSIBLE!
Magolor: Plus, that’s just Kirby in his Soul Form.
Taranza: KIRBY HAS A SOUL FORM?!
Magolor: Yep.
Magolor: Although, I’m not sure what will happen if he consumes a Miracle Fruit in that form.
Taranza: Wait, WHAT?!
Siamo Zero has consumed 24 Miracle Fruits.
Siamo Zero: I’M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE SUN TO MAKE COOKIES AND ICED TEA!
Needless to say, Magolor, Taranza, and all of Floralia got infected.

The sky is now a bright pink, with the clouds looking like rainbow rock candy.
Morpho Knight: I’m pretty sure we are the only ones left who are not infected.
Susie: I may not have a mech, but I have an idea.
Suddenly, the Dimension Mirror spawns and Shadow Kirby stumbles out, clearly in horrible pain.
Shadow Kirby, through tears: WHAT THE FUCK IS A KILOMETER?!
Morpho: Oh dear, it’s worse than I thought. He’s turning American!
Susie: How is that worse?
Morpho: You don’t want to know…
Luma Soul falls to the ground in front of them, bouncing twice before landing flat on his face.
Luma Soul: Pain. Suffering. Agony.
Morpho: Yeah, that about sums it up.
Morpho: Where is Mako? She can reverse this easily.
Shadow Dedede: Already infected.
Morpho: How are you sure? Also, how are you not affected?
Shadow Dedede: To answer your second question: blame Dark Mind.
Susie: As for the first, look up.
Morpho: Look up? I don’t- 
Mako is seen above, sporting a neon color scheme, playing Rush E 2.
Morpho: never mind. I don’t want to know…
Susie: Where’s Kirby?!
Morpho: There he is!
Susie: Get me close.
Morpho: Hop on.
Susie and Morpho get to Siamo Zero, worried that all of reality will collapse.
Siamo Zero: OH FRIENDS!
Morpho dodges as best he can, but gets hit by one of the shots.
Morpho: This is… the end for me… Save us all…
Morpho throws Susie towards Siamo.
Susie: Eat this! POCKET SUPER NODDY!
The pocket noddy successfully lands in Siamo’s mouth.
Siamo Zero: MMM! It’s milky and… sweet…
Kirby gains the Deep Sleep ability, reversing the infection and returning everything to normal.

The next day…
Shadow Kirby: Someone fucking shatter me…
Morpho Knight: Would you like me to get you some medicine instead?
Shadow Kirby: Whatever the fuck works quickest.
Mako, sporting several weighted blankets her size, a giant mug with a straw, several pillows, and an eye mask: Ugh. I haven’t felt this bad since eating that fermented Miracle Fruit…
Magolor: Don’t try using VR. You’re going to lose your lunch.
Galacta Knight, weak: Still worth it.

Meanwhile, in an HWC Lab…
Susie: So, I finally have all the results.
Kirby: And they say?
Susie: You are not eating anything solid for a week, and no sugar for a month.
Kirby: painful groaning
Susie: Honestly, it’s amazing you’re still alive.
Kirby: Regret.mp3