Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The pounding headache was the first thing John became aware of.

Then he noticed the pain radiating throughout his body. Everything hurt, and the cold hard ground under his back didn’t make anything better. Then he felt the dust on his face - he inhaled only to cough right after as the coarse particles invaded his throat.

What happened? Where was Magneto? Where was the rest of the Brotherhood, for that matter? Was he even alive anymore?

John saw movement out of the corner of his eye. It looked enough like a person to give him hope.

“Hey! Hey, over here!”

The figure turned around and started walking towards him. John immediately regretted opening his mouth. It was Logan.

“How in the hell are you still alive?” he growled, digging through the pieces of debris that had somehow landed on John and throwing them aside. John immediately tried to get up, but Logan was swift to land his foot on the side of his throat. There was no pressure, but it was a clear warning. One wrong move and I’ll break your fucking neck.

“We’ve got a survivor here!” Logan shouted. John rolled his eyes as he heard more footsteps approaching.

“John?”

John immediately recognized the voice. It was Bobby. Of course it was Bobby - as if being found by Logan wasn’t bad enough. Within seconds he was surrounded by the whole team.

“Logan, let go of him,” Storm commanded, but Logan didn’t budge.

“He’s just gonna run off if I do,” he said, looking down at John like he was some filthy pest. “Where is Magneto?”

“Fuck do I know,” John said truthfully, shifting around as he tried to find a more comfortable position, but Logan put more pressure on his neck until he stopped.

“You really expect me to believe that?” he asked, sounding condescending.

“I swear, I have no clue! The guy never told anyone anything beforehand!”

“He has no reason to lie,” Kitty pointed out. “Most of the Brotherhood is either dead or arrested and Magneto has no powers.”

“Well, thanks a lot for filling me in,” John retorted. “Look, if I knew where he was, I’d tell you. He left me here so clearly he either doesn’t think I'm useful or doesn’t care.”

“And that’s it? Your loyalty to the cause is gone just like that?” Logan questioned.

“Clearly we lost! Now they’ll try to eradicate all of us sooner or later, so what does it matter!” John exclaimed, growing more and more frustrated. He wanted the conversation to be over. If parroting Magneto’s predictions about the future was what it took to shut them up, so be it.

“So what should we do with you now?” Bobby asked, finally speaking up.

“I think Logan already has an idea,” John said, smirking up at the clawed mutant. “Come on, you fucking animal, just do it. Save yourself the trouble of having to deal with me.”

Rage burned in Logan’s eyes. He looked fully ready to tear John into pieces.

“Logan, don’t,” Bobby said, noticing his teammate’s rising anger. “We can- we can just take him back to the mansion. See what we can do. But we can’t stay out here for much longer.”

“Are you out of your mind? We can’t take him with us!” Logan exclaimed.

“I kind of agree, I mean, it would probably be smarter for us to just-” Kitty started, but Bobby cut him off.

“Leave him here? He’d probably get killed! We- we can’t!”

“Storm, what do you say?” Logan asked.

Storm stared into John’s eyes with an unreadable expression. Was it guilt? Sadness? Anger? John stared back, trying to make sense of the situation.

“I… I think we should take him,” Storm finally blurted out, breaking eye contact. “We can’t leave him out here to die. We’d be no better than Magneto.”

Logan finally raised his boot off John’s neck. Bobby kneeled down and put John’s arm around his shoulder, helping him up. “Can you walk?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” John said, but allowed Bobby to help. He felt dizzy and wasn’t totally sure if his legs would actually support his weight.

“Come on then,” Bobby said. “Let’s get you home.”

Chapter Text

ONE MONTH LATER

Bobby walked down the mansion hallway, stopping as he heard Hank and Storm talking behind a door.

“How is he?”

“Same as when I last visited. He won’t leave his room, lays in bed all day, barely eats, flips people off if they try to come in to talk to him. I tried again this morning to tell him that he has been fully pardoned but the finger was up before I could say as much, so I didn’t bother. I doubt he would even care.”

“Wait, fully pardoned?”

“I managed to pull some strings. I don’t think it’s important, though. John doesn’t seem to care if he lives or dies, so it doesn’t matter where he goes. I’m curious, why did you want to save him anyway?”

“I… I just couldn’t leave him out there. I looked at him and all I could see was the sad, scared boy that Charles and Scott brought to the mansion.”

“I see. You still care for him. And I suppose he’s your problem more than mine, now that he’s been pardoned.”

Storm sighed. “Couldn’t Bobby get through to him?”

“I don’t know if he’s even tried. From what I’ve seen, he’s been acting different after Alcatraz.”

“The fight was tough, and Rogue’s decision must have hit him hard. They were together for a long time.”

Storm’s empathetic tone made Bobby sigh audibly as he shook his head and continued walking. His relationship was none of their business, and he definitely didn’t want to be used as a tool for them to talk to his former best friend. Besides, Bobby had tried. Three days after John was brought into the mansion, Bobby had knocked on his door to bring him some food and hopefully start a conversation, and he had gotten the same response as everyone else.

Still, as the day went by, Bobby found himself being drawn to John’s door. Now he was standing in front of it, having waited until the sun went down and most people were asleep. It had been a month, after all. Maybe, just maybe,  he’d be able to get something out of him now. Just a “go fuck yourself” would be enough closure, then he could stop thinking about it. He had nothing left to lose at this point, might as well give it a shot.

So he knocked.

“Hey,” Bobby said quietly as he opened the door. “You still awake?”

John was laying on his bed facing away from the door as usual, but the sharp, frustrated exhale was enough for a response.

“Look, I…” Bobby's voice trailed off as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He wasn’t sure how to begin. “I’m sorry I haven’t come to see you. I didn’t know what to say or… well, you probably get it. But I just wanted to come and-”

“What? Say you’re sorry for everything? Or just pity me?”

Bobby was taken aback for a moment. This was the first time he had heard John speak since Alcatraz.

He was even more shocked when John stood up and flicked the ceiling light on. He then turned around, staring into Bobby’s soul with what he could only describe as pure scorn. He was wearing the same old grey t-shirt and black sweatpants that he had used as pyjamas for years. If it weren’t for the bleached hair, Bobby could’ve sworn he was looking at a ghost from the past.

“Jesus, Drake, at least say something. Don’t just stand there.”

“Sorry,” Bobby muttered. He needed to focus. “I had news for you but… I do want to apologize. I’ve been a jerk this whole time.”

“No shit.”

“And I mean, like, for years. I haven’t been fair to you. I tried to defend you, but sometimes all the nasty stuff people said about you just… got to me. And then Rogue came along and-”

“Don’t even fucking mention Rogue! As soon as she showed up, she took up all of your time! Whatever happened to the ‘inseparable duo’ that everyone said we were! I loved you, you asshole! You left me behind and now you’re trying to crawl back when your poor girlfriend turned out to be a coward and left you!”

Bobby went silent for a moment, staring at John in shock. Of course he had noticed that Rogue didn’t get along with John. He just hadn’t stopped to think about how John must have felt about it.

“John, I-”

“Shut up! Just shut up! Don’t give me that ‘lost puppy’ stare again! Just say what you had to say and go!”

“I just- I just wanted to tell you that things can still change! You were officially pardoned by the president this morning. You could still prove yourself.”

“Oh, please. I hear what they say about me. John Allerdyce, the villain, the traitor who sided with the terrorist. People start whispering every time they walk past my door. Apparently I got my face on the news, too.”

“That’ll all die down,” Bobby reassured, unsure of what to say. John was right, after all. People were talking. “It- it’ll die down and you can start over.”

John scoffed, shaking his head. Bobby could swear he had tears in his eyes.

“Sure it will. I’m starting to think I would’ve been better off dying alone on Alcatraz. Or getting thrown into prison. Hell, maybe they would’ve put me out of my misery and executed me.”

“John, please don’t say that, you still have-”

“God, Bobby, stop trying to be a saint! Why can’t you just hate me like everybody else?”

Bobby lowered his gaze to the floor. He didn’t have an answer. The rational part of his brain was telling him that he should’ve hated John. That he had no good reason to even try to reconcile. John didn’t deserve it after what he had done.

Still, the question felt like a knife to his heart. He couldn’t bring himself to hate John, not after everything they had been through.

When he looked back up, he noticed the tears rolling down John’s face. He was visibly shaking - whether it was rage, hurt, or a mix of both, Bobby couldn’t tell. Either way, the sight broke his heart.

“Oh, John…” Bobby hated how soft he sounded to his own ears, but he couldn’t help it. He took a tentative step towards him and John flinched, stepping back. He stumbled over the leg of his chair and almost fell flat to the floor, but Bobby sprang into action and caught him. He wrapped his arms around his old friend and pulled him back to his feet, keeping him locked in a tight hug.

After a few seconds of initial resistance, John gave in, resting his head on Bobby’s shoulder as more tears began to fall.

“I’m sorry,” Bobby said quietly, his right hand moving up to cradle the back of John's head. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Chapter Text

A week had passed after Bobby came to visit John at night, and they hadn’t seen each other since. John continued to spend his days in his bed as usual, only getting up when he couldn’t ignore his body’s needs anymore.

He couldn’t get the night out of his head. The way Bobby had been so optimistic, so convinced that John still had a chance at a good future. The way Bobby held him when he broke down in tears and wouldn’t let go until his sobs died down. John had expected Bobby to ridicule him, to leave without saying a word, to do anything but that. He could still feel the warmth of the hug, no matter how hard he tried to forget about it.

John sighed, idly counting the bumps on the ceiling as he laid on his back. He missed Bobby, and he hated himself for it. When had he gone this soft? Since when had he needed closeness from anyone, let alone his ex-friend and roommate?

Memories started to flood into John’s head as he continued to stare at the ceiling, images so vivid that he could almost see them projecting onto the off-white surface.

The night they had first met, right after Bobby had been assigned as his roommate. John remembered the look on his face as he realized he’d been put in the same room with the most infamous troublemaker in the mansion.

The time he accidentally set fire to the bookshelf and panicked, but Bobby had frozen the flames and covered for him by lying about knocking the lighter out of John’s hand.

The day they met Rogue. That memory still made John roll his eyes and he made sure to repress it as deep down as possible. He didn’t need another reminder of how pathetic he was for falling for his best friend and being too big of a coward to say anything before it was too late.

“For fuck’s sake,” John sighed, rubbing his eyes before letting his arms flop back down onto the bed. None of that mattered now. Even though Bobby and Rogue weren’t together anymore, he had ruined any chance he might have had when he left them on the jet at Alkali Lake. Bobby may have talked to him and comforted him out of kindness, but he could never reciprocate John’s feelings. Not after everything that had happened.

John regretted nothing and everything at the same time. He had done what he believed to be right, but everything fell apart and he lost everyone in the process. Now he was here, confined in his old room, well aware of the scorn and hatred he would face if he dared to step outside. He had never been one to care about others’ opinions, but if he had the choice, he would certainly choose to avoid the dirty looks and whispers. Every glare would only be a reminder of what a sad failure he was - a fact that had already been instilled in him as a child.

John turned to face the window. The yard surrounding the mansion had more to look at than the white ceiling, offering a momentary distraction from the intrusive memories. He stared mindlessly as the sun disappeared behind the trees, waiting for the tiredness to kick in and pull him into another night of restless sleep.

John’s eyes shot open as he heard a familiar knock on the door. He sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and glancing at the clock on the wall. It was just past midnight, and John figured he had imagined the knock - surely it couldn’t have been Bobby.

“Hey,” Bobby’s voice said softly from the door, barely audible over the creaking as it slowly opened.

John sighed and buried his face in his hands. “What do you want?”

“I just want to talk,” Bobby said, stepping inside and closing the door. John flinched as the ceiling light was turned on without warning.

“We already talked once. I’ve said everything I wanted to say.”

“But I haven’t,” Bobby said. His soft tone made John’s skin crawl. “What you said that night really got me thinking and… I’ve realized some things.”

John exhaled sharply, staring out the window. “What?”

“Could you please just look at me while I’m talking to you?”

John rolled his eyes and stood up, turning to face Bobby and crossing his arms. “Fine. I’m looking at you. Now start talking.”

“I just… I started to really look back on everything and I realized just how much I have to thank you for. You always stuck by my side, even when I was a total mess, and I feel like I just threw it all away and took you for granted. And then Alkali Lake happened and I felt like I had lost you for good. It really did break my heart, y’know.”

“Jesus, are you just here to try and make me feel bad?” John asked. “Keep going, it’s almost working. Tell me what an asshole I am.”

“No, John, it’s not that, I-”

“What is it, then? Stop stalling, Drake, just spit it out!”

“I think I love you! I always have!” Bobby exclaimed.

For the first time in weeks, John’s head went silent. “Wh- what?” he stammered, unable to process what he had just heard.

“I love you. I’ve always loved you. Rogue was great and I did deeply care about her, but… something always felt off. And ever since that fell apart, all I’ve been able to think about has been you. I’ve barely slept for the past week because I wanted to just come back here to talk to you, to help you in whatever way I could. But I didn’t know what to say and I was afraid that you’d just shut me out again.”

John remained quiet, staring at Bobby in disbelief.

“Please say something. Just tell me you hate me and I’ll go away. I just needed you to know all that. I could say more, but I know how much you hate rambling and-”

Every thought left in John’s head was shut off as he closed the gap between him and Bobby and kissed him, his instincts taking over. Bobby kissed back, his right hand tangling in John’s hair.

They stayed like that for a moment, only breaking apart once they ran out of air.

“I love you too, you asshole,” John said, staring into Bobby’s piercing blue eyes. “I can’t fuckin’ help it. You stole my heart when we first met and you haven’t given it back.”

“And I don’t plan to,” Bobby replied with a shrug.

John snorted. “That was cheesy as fuck. Way to kill the moment.”

“Oh, shut up, you jerk,” Bobby said, gently shoving John backward with a slight smile.

“Dick,” John snapped back, taking a step forward to kiss him again.

Part of him was still telling him that this was a bad idea, but he didn’t care. All that mattered was that Bobby was with him now . Even if it was just for one night, at least he could forget about the outside world for a few hours.

“I don’t want you to leave,” John said as he pulled away from the kiss, his forehead resting against Bobby’s.

“I’ll never leave you,” Bobby swore. “If you’ll have me, that is. I totally understand if-”

John put his hand over Bobby’s mouth, cutting him off. “You know I hate rambling. Just stay for the night. We’ll think about the rest in the morning.”

Bobby nodded, suddenly yawning as John lowered his hand. John noticed the dark circles under his eyes. He didn’t seem to be kidding about not having slept for a week.

“C’mon. You need rest.”

Bobby pulled off his sweater and flopped on his back on the bed, pulling John down with him. John settled himself with his head on Bobby’s chest, the coolness radiating from his skin contrasting the heavy, warm air of the room.

The steady rhythm of Bobby’s heartbeat quickly lulled John to sleep, weeks of restlessness and anxiety finally catching up to him.

He wasn’t sure if he was already dreaming, but the three words he heard next were enough to put him into a deep sleep, free of the seemingly endless nightmares.

“ You’re safe now. ”