Archive of Our Own ^beta

parties weren’t my scene, yet here i was, standing dead in the middle of one, empty wine glass in hand.

everything about this evening out felt so… out of place, as if it were a puzzle nonsensical, yet one that fit together perfectly no matter how the pieces were arranged. the full picture wasn’t revealed yet, because to be honest, i had no idea what i wanted to do here. despite the uncertainty, the bottom line was that i was here because i was meant to be, even if the last party i’d ever been to in my life was when i was 17, lying about my age for some mystery alcohol. i didn’t remember that night very well, and i was pretty sure i wouldn’t be able to remember this one, either. not that i was complaining, the painless, yet recurring ache of yet another person leaving my life one that i wanted to drink away, even if my glass right now was empty. 

my dating life, the reason as to why i was here, was… sad at best, a tragic attempt at human connection past the strong friendships i had now. i wanted something deeper, something more involved. however, i had the tendency to look for it in the wrong people— the wrong person, more like. 

sebastian solace was my rock, someone i relied on at every turn in my life, every opportunity to confide in him one that i took in full stride. he did the same for me, complaining to me about his course more than once. once, we both took turns punching my dad’s old punching bag in the backyard, venting about our struggles, about school, about anything. sebastian was a rare diamond in the rough, a gem i held so dearly, a precious someone who was more than just a name and a face. he was my entire life. from birth, our parents were friends. we practically grew up together, our relationship playful but not overbearingly so. if i had a dime for every time our mothers shipped us, i was confident i’d have a sizable mansion on bondi beach and multiple yachts. he watched me mature and change, and i did the same with him, making fun of him for how short he was one day and blocking my ears, singing ‘lalala’ in the same monotonous, tone as he asked me who the short one was now the next. growing up with him by my side was bliss, never a dull moment, really. that was until we were teenagers, and the topic of crushes and relationships became more commonplace. 

sebastian didn’t care much for deep relationships, nor did he see the point in them. when the topic of all this started popping up, he was much too entranced by his electric guitar and the idea of riding a motorbike to even begin considering it. to be honest, i shared the same sentiment, the idea of having a significant other not seeming too appealing. i had sebastian, after all. even if he wasn’t my boyfriend, i was satisfied with our closeness. sebastian seemed to share the same sentiment, even if that much was communicated through the rough tousling of my hair and learning my favourite songs on his guitar. that was satisfying until i was about 16, and the more i grew, hearing about my classmates gush over their first kisses with their boyfriends and the like, i found myself thinking more and more about what would happen if i tried any of what they were saying with sebastian. 

as disinterested as he was in relationships, having turned down a dozen of girls and probably a couple men in the mix too, he’s been painfully single his entire life. it was to the point where i was beginning to think he was aromantic, and, to be honest, he probably was— demiromantic, maybe? whatever the case, i liked him so much it physically hurt. honestly, my friends thought he liked me back, but everything he did can be explained so easily with the fact that we grew up together that it was hard to believe. still, he’d do and say certain things that made my heart leap in my chest so violently i lost consciousness for a couple seconds, causing sebastian to raise an eyebrow and ask if i was even still breathing. somehow, i was, every single time, no matter how many heart attacks he made me suffer through, i survived. at this point, i wish i never did. 

suffering with this debilitating crush on a man who’d never even looked at anyone in an interested manner in the slightest must’ve been a torture curated specifically for a certain circle of hell. yearning in it’s purest form was a tragic suffering bestowed upon humans by virtue of love and caring, and it absolutely fucking sucked . still, despite how much i liked sebastian, i forced myself on dates, made myself live through loveless relationship, after loveless relationship, hoping that maybe i’d find someone who’s like sebastian that i could use as a bandaid for a problem so big it was beginning to leave a sizable scar on my poor heart. how could someone like him even love me in the first place? he seemed so out of reach, so unattainable it made me cry a little inside whenever i thought about him. sebastian was adorable and attractive in every single way, it was hard to simply ignore him without wanting to crawl right back. 

the last thing i wanted was to confess and risk what we had now— a reason for hiding feelings that shows up at least once in every romance movie on the planet. but, god, how could i not think about that once when that was so true? losing him was too big a price for something so selfish. i can be a window shopper, staring at both him and the pictures he sent me of himself and his cat. i could do it, but not like this. i couldn’t keep using people as a substitute for him, not any longer. this last relationship just convinced me even further that doing this was probably a bad emotional response to my situation, and there was no way i was going to risk it again. not just for myself, but for other people, too. 

naturally, since sebastian knew everything about my life (except for my crush on him), he knew about my bad dating habits. so, the moment i told him about my breakup, he sighed over the phone, saying he’ll add another number to the tally. sebastian also said that both my significant other and i looked like we had a gun to our heads in our couple pictures, which made me laugh. speaking of, sebastian was actually the one who dragged me to this party in the first place. one of his friends was holding it, someone he met while doing his degree. sebastian was there for emotional support, helping the host run the party as smoothly as possible— and, that was about it. luckily for me, my breakup came just in time for this very party. he said he felt weird about going in the first place, especially considering he had a test next week for his degree. though, he asked if i wanted to take a load off and just go anyway with a friend of mine, offering his time for me to process this breakup if it was at all distressing. of course, at the thought of seeing him again, i took him up on that offer without hesitation. 

i wasn’t the type to go to parties, nor was i one to drink my problems away. i thought those actions were immature, a waste of time. though, now, as i stood outside on the balcony, a rare moment of silence away from the bustling crowds inside, it felt almost necessary, like the end of the old and the start of something new. i stared out at the city in front of me, eyes tracing a particularly large building off in the distance. it was just me and the occasional sound of speeding cars, everything i needed. i didn’t want a crowd nor a drink, all i wanted was myself and sebastian out on this balcony, talking about life. only one half of the picture was in place, all i needed was—

‘you’re a wreck.’ came a voice from behind me, wind carrying the uncanny, ashy scent of nicotine to my nose before i could even look back. my tense muscles soothed upon smelling what could only be the signature scent of who i recognised to be sebastian solace. well, that was fast. 

at first, i tensed. the alcohol in my system and the initial shock of someone else being out here with me making my body lag the slightest bit. i didn't need turn my head, and apparently, nor did i need to reach for my phone in my pocket to contact him. i only needed to relax . this was my night, after all. my shoulders dropped, and my straightened back leant back over the brick wall in front of me, a relieved sigh escaping my lips. there was a smile on his face, as always, slightly lopsided from the alcohol supplied at the party raving on behind us. i heard his smile in his voice, and his drunkness in the slight slur of his words. as good as he was at hiding it, i had my ways of identifying whether or not he’s putting on an act to save face around me. i tried not to worry, emphasis on tried , but his drinking habits were definitely… habits , to put it nicely. sighing, i kept my eyes on the building in front of me, lights of the city around us twinkling almost beautifully.

‘it’s been one long fucking day.’ i grumbled, drooping my head, covering my scalp with my left. sebastian stood there, eyes drifting from me to the scenery, an impressed whistle leaving his lips. he’d probably heard about the view outside from both his friends and murmurs of guests who had been here, as well as word of a depressed certain someone who was totally ruining the vibe, sending everyone away. i must’ve looked like an idiot in front of him, wine glass in one hand, my eyes staring aimlessly out into the world around us. he was more chilled out tonight than other nights, the stress of his course crashing down on him in ways he never thought initially possible. after hearing of my… unfortunate circumstances, he dropped them temporarily, though just for tonight. i was grateful for him, and also for my other friend who came with me. she drunk herself into a coma, though. whether she was of much use was still up for debate even now, but with sebastian standing behind me, tonight felt a little less hopeless than previously. 

‘don’t have to tell me twice.’ sebastian said with a chuckle, his footsteps advancing towards the gap beside me. feeling sebastian stand next to me, i lifted myself up before tilting my head to look at him, lips parted, heart picking up its speed.

it was impossible not to focus on the way his arms flexed as he brought them up on the bricks in front of him, crossing one arm over the other, pretty face illuminated by the multicolored city lights. guess working out and being an electrician helped in more ways than one. i blinked slowly, much like a cat would at someone it loved, eyelashes fluttering. his gaze still rested upon the buildings in front of us, but mine was solely on him— the man who had haunted me year after year, day after day. deep down, i wished he was staring at me like that. my eyes drifted down to the cigarette sebastian had in his mouth. not a new sight by any means, yet a sight nonetheless, middle and index fingers bracketing it, pulling it out as he sucked and puffed out smoke. his eyelashes batted, teal-green eyes looking down at the cigarette between his fingers, warm puff of smoke slipping from his lips. did he come out here for a smoke? or was it to see me? god, he was so confusing. feeling my stare on him, sebastian chuckled, all before finally turning his head to look at me, 

‘got a staring problem tonight? i get it, i’m hot and all, but…’

‘as if .’ i replied, scoffing. turning my head, i stared at my right arm, holding a wine glass filled to the brim with my friend’s left over guava vodka cruiser over the edge of the balcony. i could barely remember how she unceremoniously tipped the contents of her glass into my empty one, replacing my wine. i wasn’t even planning on drinking much tonight. anyway, i was glad he didn’t react too negatively to my staring. i was staring at his cigarette when he caught me, so maybe i could play this off? all while sifting through the christmas list of excuses i’d cooked up in advance for this very moment, i looked back at sebastian with slightly flushed cheeks, eyes focused now on the smoke in his hand, ‘i was only interested in that .’

sebastian raised his eyebrows in slight disbelief, his expression one of stoic shock for a couple beats. yeah, no way was he believing my half assed excuse. my cheeks burned with complete and utter embarrassment, of course he wasn’t going to fall for such a lame excuse, dumbass. though eventually, after a couple moments of him registering the situation, his wide eyes softened, eyebrows returning to their usual places, lips curling up into an entertained smile. 

‘if you wanted a puff, you coulda asked me instead of staring like an idiot, you know?’ he replied, looking away to stare back out into the city, dragging his cigarette to his lips again. 

turning my head to face the city again, i laughed halfheartedly, sighing in relief. sebastian didn’t seem to comment on how out of place my actions were, but i guessed he was either willingly ignorant for his own reasons or well and truly clueless. despite this, it seemed i hadn’t learned my lesson. in the corner of my eyes, i watched his every move closely, ogling the way his eyes twinkled in the gentle lighting around us. seriously, every bit of him was so beautiful. especially given my drunken state, all i wanted to do was stare… and kiss his nose scar, but that was neither here nor there. following his lead, i brought the wine glass in my hand up to my lips, humming in false interest in a weak attempt to distract from the blush dusting my cheeks. was sebastian offering an indirect kiss? well, i wasn’t going to pretend i wasn’t into it… nor was i going to acknowledge how delusional i sounded. 

‘i’ve never smoked in my life , solace.’ i replied, laughing. he chuckled along with me, looking over at me with an amused smile on his lips i didn’t look at for the sake of my safety. swirling the pale pink liquid in its tall, obnoxious glass, i switched the pressure of my footing to my left to my right. how drunk was he? the sober sebastian solace would have questioned my contradictory statements like he were a detective grilling a suspect for details about the crime they allegedly committed. maybe he had the answers himself without asking them, drunken confidence tended to possess him during moments like these. or, perhaps he didn’t want to ask because he wouldn’t have liked to ruin the vibe. whatever it was, i was glad. 

‘my dad always went on about how fucked smoking for the first time was. no way am i gonna come out of this alive.’ i continued, hoping to distract him from my words from earlier. sebastian made a dragged out ‘ohhh’ noise, his head nodding like he remembered that too. my father’s told that story once or twice, so i didn’t really doubt sebastian was in the room for when he recounted it last. 

‘eh… well, if you don’t live, that’s one hell of an epitaph.’ sebastian replied, looking over to his left at the ashtray. he seemed to regret his words the moment he said them, cringing for a brief moment as he replayed his words over in his mind. i snorted at the large word. i mean, i knew what it meant thanks to a game i played called cat in the box , but the last thing i expected was such a word leaving his mouth.

‘epitaph…? really?’ i said, amused. sebastian shook his head, slightly flustered at his use of the word himself. i tried to stop myself, truly, but i just couldn’t help myself from giggling. i knew he was well read, he’d always read with those silly black framed glasses of his, but i never thought he’d be so wordy when he was tipsy. 

setting the wine glass down on the wall, i moved to clutch my stomach with my arms, laughing at his sentence. sebastian stared at me, eyes wide, cigarette in his hand, simply dangling over the ash tray. he watched me for a little while longer, eyes softening the more i laughed, seemingly out of other emotions than just amusement. tapping the end of the smoke into the ashtray, he smiled at me, laughing a little himself at my quickly crumbling state. right here, right now, with sebastian, i felt a weird kind of free, a sort of calm that i hadn’t felt since i got together with my ex. it was hard to breathe when someone you didn’t love was asking for you to love them all the time, difficult to focus when you were being an asshole, simply using someone to get over your feelings of a childhood friend. in general, my life was suffocating, and even if being here with sebastian should have killed me, it didn’t. i felt no restraint, because he was here with me and not anybody else. 

‘anyway.. when you’re done bullying me,’ he started cruelly, snapping me out of my fit of laughter suddenly. pulling my eyes from the floor, my gaze met his quizzically with tears in my eyes, ‘offer’s still on the table. you wanna try?’

in an instant, my laughter died into shock. now sebastian was the one laughing, though not as hard as me. he seemed more giggly when he was drunk, like he was on cloud nine. it was nice seeing him let loose like this, especially after so long of seeing him so tense. crossing my arms atop the balcony, i nodded slowly, clearly hesitant. sebastian laughed at my reaction, finding it relatively humorous. he’d never tell me, but he always found my reactions to things funny, if not outright endearing. i knew sebastian well enough to understand that he was teasing, but if i was completely serious, then who was he to deny me? he seemed to have an idea of what he wanted to do anyways, so it wasn’t all too big of a deal. tapping his cigarette once more into the ashtray, he turned on his heel, taking a step towards me to face me front on. with my eyes wide, i smiled nervously, like we’d never been so close to each other before— and, that’s because we probably haven’t been. his chest was right before my shoulder, left arm bent with a cigarette between his fingers, one that looked a puff or so away from finishing. blinking, i looked up from his chest to his face, frozen in place.

‘i— um—‘ i stuttered, watching as sebastian’s expression morphed into a more confused one. he simply stood there, cigarette in hand, smile on his lips, waiting for me to say something. it was obvious he wasn’t going to do anything unless he got my verbal and physical  consent, but it was also obvious that he knew he was going to get it. not quite in a pressuring way, just… i guess instinctual. what annoyed me the most was that his instincts were absolutely right, my body leaning off of the balcony, all before turning to face him, the tips of his boots just before my own shoes, our noses only just barely touching, ‘yeah… i mean, you only live once, right?’ 

sebastian nodded at my sentence, no matter how nervous i may have been. it was only now that i was beginning to notice what he was wearing, baggy black pants with a chain belt that seemed slightly droopy, silver glistening beneath the oversized band t-shirt he was wearing. i couldn’t recognise what band it was from, but i did recognise one of the song names that were written on it from the way he’d blast it on whatever speaker was willing to allow his phone to connect. his jacket was unzipped in the middle and ridiculously thin, hanging off of his elbows. it was clearly just there for the sake of fashion, and the same could be said for his chain belt. underneath the sleeves of his jacket, he seemed to be wearing a couple bracelets, all of which being different colours. i noticed them to all be in our favourite colours, though that could’ve been a complete coincidence. fuck, now that he was up close, i couldn’t help myself from glancing down and looking at him. i seemed to have forgotten that alcohol made me bolder, something that sebastian noticed from the beginning when i checked him out the first time. 

he wasn’t stupid. he knew i was checking him out, and yet he was teasing me with this proximity? how rude…

‘alright, little miss goody two shoes… follow my lead, ‘kay?’ sebastian said, right hand leaving his side to reach for me. i shivered as his fingertips grazed against my neck, the pads of his fingers passing just beneath my ear. he delighted in the way i shivered, his fingers tangling in my hair like he wanted some kind of control over the way i moved. he was glad i squeezed my eyes closed, missing the way his eyelashes fluttered open and shut, teeth biting at his bottom lip in restraint. shakily, sebastian finally spoke, heart thrumming in his ears, ‘it’d be tragic if this was how you died.’

opening my eyes, i feigned a smile, meeting his gaze halfway with a mix of panic and reassurance. did family friends do this? did they hold each other’s heads and stand really close to each other whenever they shared a cigarette? did family friends even share cigarettes in the first place? shit, i didn’t know. i’ve never smoked before, sebastian knows this, and yet… god. confusing didn’t even begin to describe all this. even so, despite every single uncertainty, i leaned into him like this wasn’t the first time, like this wasn’t as a result of the alcohol we were drinking, like we were completely, utterly sober. i guess people do say drunk thoughts are sober thoughts for a reason. did he think about this every time he picked up a cigarette? 

‘i’m sure my tombstone would be able to take this better than me… but, i trust you.’ i murmured, taking pride in the way sebastian’s smile faltered for a second, like what i was saying was resonating with him much like it was for me. he narrowed his eyes, mind seemingly set on something as he moved a little closer in, my heart beating a little faster.

‘you shouldn’t. your funeral, though… open your lips for me.’ he whispered, voice raspy. i barely paid any attention to the way he began raising the cigarette in his left hand thanks to the way his fingers began threading through my hair, gently tilting my head upwards. i shivered at the gentle graze of our lips, heart slowly beating in my chest, all warm and fuzzy. maybe it was the alcohol keeping me composed despite our proximity, or maybe i held myself together because this felt like a long time coming. whatever it was, i did what i was told, no matter how i felt about it. 

sebastian watched through his eyelashes as i parted my lips, the last thing on my mind being questioning him as my eyes squeezed shut, like what was happening was normal, something we always did in the heat of the moment. for now, he just had to pretend we’d done this before, noting the way my bottom lip trembled slightly in anticipation. silently, he raised the butt of his cigarette to his lips, parting them slightly, paper-like material pressing against his bottom lip. closing them around the brown section of the cigarette, he sucked, all eyes trained on me, who stood there stupidly waiting for something to come. deep down, sebastian found it entertaining that not once did it seem to cross my mind how the logistics of all this would work. why was i being asked to part my lips so i could get a puff of his cigarette? and, why was i obeying so readily? for a moment, even sebastian himself began to question that more heavily, all the while sucking smoke into his mouth. i guess i really wasn’t lying when i said i trusted him, his lips unwillingly curling up into a sinister smirk as he pulled his cigarette away from his mouth, leaving it unceremoniously in the ashtray behind him. 

feeling his movements, i cracked an eye open, only to be met with the gentle gaze of sebastian. at this, both of my eyes flew open, his hand that was once holding his cigarette grabbing at my hip, pulling me closer while the other tightened around my hair assertively. i winced at the tug of his fingertips against the bottom of my head, silver rings that circled the bottom of his fingers catching on finer strands of my hair. sebastian blinked, unable to reply. though, if he could, i knew full well he’d be all teases and ridicule, the idea making me blush a little more. gently, he leaned forward, lips pressing against mine for a second all before he began breathing the smoke from his mouth into mine, his eyes shut, nervous of my reaction. sebastian’s breath smelt of nicotine and mint, the smoke from his cigarette either resting uncomfortably on my tongue, or escaping from the corners of our mouth. it was hot, so incredibly hot i thought i’d melt. his breath was warm, intermingling with mine, and his lips were even warmer, standing a couple millimeters from mine as a vice i wanted nothing more than to dive head first into. i swore that, for a second, he let his lips graze against mine one final time for the sake of feeling what it would be like to just give in— what it would be like to forget about the smoke, forget about convention, and just start kissing me like it was the last thing we’d ever do on earth. 

however, he couldn’t be that selfish. not yet. this was just a smoke, after all. a friend helping a friend . nothing more, nothing less. friends shotgunned all the time, right ? sebastian told himself, his eyelids hiding the hurt that flashed in his eyes as he pulled away a little, lips closing back to a smug smile and eyelids parting to show the entertainment that danced across his irises. he had to mask it, all the hurt he’d sustained from my numerous relationships, it was only natural. this was probably normal to me, he told himself once again, hand gripping my waist a little tighter, chest throbbing with need. why would i ever look at him that way…? that said, why wouldn’t i? he had no idea what to believe, especially after so long of mixed signals— actually… wait, we were both tipsy, weren’t we? not by much, but it was enough, enough to test the boundaries and see . sebastian closed his eyes for a second, hoping i wouldn’t notice the emotional rollercoaster that was his inner dialogue. luckily enough, i seemed too shell shocked by his previous actions to really take in my surroundings. sebastian chuckled, low and raspy, and he didn’t miss the way the blush on my cheeks grew a little deeper in colour. he always thought i was adorable, and now was no exception.

in stark contrast to his, my eyes were wide, staring at him with a glistening confusion that reflected in his when he finally opened his own. as quickly as he pushed the smoke into my mouth, it left, my lips still wide open, the bitter scent of nicotine hanging in the warm air around us. the smoke from our lips dissipated into the open air, the phantom warmth of sebastian’s breath skimming my bottom lip remaining as a lost sentiment, a moment in time where we both wanted so badly we found ourselves lost in what should have been a helpful favour, hoping that it would turn to something more. there was something about the vulnerability in my gaze that made sebastian tick, and there was everything about his unapologetic confidence that that made my brain tingle in just the right way. sebastian was really, really hot, and he knew it full well. the cold night we stood deep within intruded our moment, cutting between our lips with a barrier that made my heart drop a little in my stomach. just like that, it was over, hanging over our heads like we were still in it, my heart throbbing in my chest, hoping for some reason it would continue regardless. 

‘good job… aside from the fact that you left your mouth open like some kind of idiot, you did well.’  sebastian praised, wide smirk on his lips. his voice was raspy, the statement that left his awfully pretty lips leaving much to be desired. he broke the silence between us, forcibly ending what was probably the best couple seconds of my life so easily it made me wonder if that meant anything to him. sebastian solace was no womaniser, but it was actions like these that made me wonder if maybe i had the wrong read on him. rolling my eyes, i bit back a frown as he untangled his fingers from my hair, pulling away— though, not fully. his hand remained on my hip, index finger tapping at the plush of my lower back. my heart skipped a beat. okay, maybe this wasn’t completely over yet?

‘i was kinda hoping you’d choke. would’ve been funny.’ he continued, laughing to himself. i sighed, smiling ever so slightly. sebastian looked cuter with a smile, i thought. 

‘you’re an asshole.’ i replied, watching as sebastian’s hair moved slightly in the wind. he really did look so pretty, it was almost completely criminal. i say almost because, well, he hadn’t been arrested, had he? it’s not like he’d turn to a life of crime, anyway. he was sebastian solace, a bright, intelligent, slightly cynical guy with no interest in anything but being an electrician… and me, apparently, his eyes honed in only at my form. i didn’t know what gave me the confidence, whether it was the alcohol in my system, or the remnants of our moment before, but the joke i had in my head was too good not to say. if i’d choke, how would he save me other than mouth to mouth? with a smirk, i leaned in, tilting my head, ‘what, did the sebastian solace want to give me cpr? hmm?’

sharply breathing in, sebastian cleared his voice, body stiffening from in front of me. in his eyes, something complicated flashed through them, like a fog i couldn’t quite detangle. his eyelashes fluttered, conflicted, closing and opening his eyes that darted from my eyes down to my lips. if he wasn’t fully convinced previously to test his suspicions, he definitely was now, my teasing but more incentive to work an answer out of me, no matter how he had to get it. why did i date all those guys when he was right there? he had an idea, but it was probably better to get an admission out of me, a mission he knew to be less and less impossible the longer we remained in this position. after a couple moments, he shakily sighed, gathering his previously lost composure to look me in the eyes with certainty, ‘… i’ll pretend you didn’t say that.’ 

he wasn’t expecting this— well, actually… nevermind. in hindsight, maybe he was. perhaps sebastian had been wanting this for longer than what he’d let on, his eyes, once wide, now narrowed with a certain intention that made my heart flutter. i’d seen him sport this exact expression a little bit ago, mere seconds before this, when he was borderline kissing me, filtering the smoke from his cigarette into my mouth. he tried to hide it by closing his eyes, the guilt, the hurt, the need. now, though, sebastian showed no signs of wanting to close his eyes to hide. he was done with hiding his emotions, tired of simply resigning out of obligation, the obligation to be the cool boy best friend of someone he saw as anything but. his extra hand left his side, the one that was previously holding my hair, extending to gently glide his thumb across my bottom lip, watching as the pink flesh beneath the pad of his thumb glistened in the moonlight. contrary to popular belief, sebastian solace could be selfish, and it just so happened that i was the object of his desires, a fact he had hid so expertly well until now that it felt like the realisation hit me like a ton of bricks. no, family friends did not shotgun. we weren’t friends, not anymore. luckily, sebastian seemed to take pride in the fact that it was all his fault… and, nor did i mind. 

‘… now, where were we?’ he asked, almost nonchalantly if it wasn’t for the slight growl in his voice, a danger that lingered like a hot, mutual sentiment, a statement that meant more than just an empty question. we both knew, from the inside and out, what we wanted. our hearts beat with a ferocity that told too much, refusing to keep the same secrets we had hid from each other from day one. as it turns out, i was bold to have thought this moment was even a moment to begin with. no, this was a beginning of a lifetime— a lifetime with him as the sole focus, a story where he was the endgame in a world of male leads. the truth was, as i brought my shaky hands up from my sides to press against his stomach through his shirt, noone was as appealing as him, not by a longshot. smiling almost wonkily, i tilted my head, smirking a shit eating grin. drunken confidence, oh what a beautiful thing. 

‘you tell me, solace.’ i snapped back, voice sounding so weak i thought i’d throw up at the sound of it. god, he really knows how to wind me down, doesn’t he? not like i minded. sebastian raised an eyebrow at the way i called him by his last name, hand moving from my chin to gently weave back into my hair, fingertips pulling at my scalp more intentionally this time around. i hummed at the intrusion, funding it rather grounding… as well as a turn on, but that’s besides the point. 

‘that’s sebastian to you.’ sebastian corrected, the pads of his fingers pressing against the bottom of my scalp. i flashed him a cheeky smile, the likes of which he wanted nothing more than to wipe off with his bare hands— or, well, preferably his mouth. which, given our proximity seemed more and more likely the longer we stood here. why not break the ice? intent on not letting me speak any more than what he deemed as necessary, he spoke again, ‘we’re finally about to kiss and this is how you act? you’re starting to make me think you dated those people because you actually liked them.’

ah, so we’re broaching this topic now, are we? 

i stiffened from in front of him, my cocky smile melting into something akin to nervousness, mind immediately running to the numerous times sebastian had made fun of me for how… delighted i looked standing next to my previous significant others. he didn’t let me go even today, his comment about how i looked like i had a gun to my head in the last bunch of photos i took with my most recent ex ringing in my ears. in front of him, i melted— though, not out of flustered embarrassment. rather, out of humiliation. was it my fault that it took so long for things to escalate as they have? meeting sebastian’s eyes after a little while of thinking, i noticed the triumph glistening within them, like he had hit the jackpot. a childlike excitement that under any other circumstance would have been misplaced, but now, it felt almost right, like this was the longest bet of his life he’d finally fucking won. sebastian’d always been smart like that, his emotional and practical intelligence both worryingly well honed. i was an idiot for thinking he’d never catch on, both to my feelings and loveless relationships. letting out a long sigh, i drooped my shoulders, dejected and completely guilty. ah, shit , so this was all self inflicted. go me, i guess.

that said, the facade was finally over, and as embarrassing as it all was, i couldn’t help but feel slightly elated at the feeling of having been picked so thoroughly apart by him. 

‘… touché.’ i whispered, a comment made solely for myself, one that he heard whether i liked it or not. the realisation of everything couldn’t have had more of a blatant obviousness across my expression even if i tried to exaggerate my current one, lips downturned, eyes shaking slightly. all of a sudden, the heated, slightly teasing conversation we were having was… somewhat solemn. i didn’t like it, and judging by the way sebastian’s lips turned downwards to mirror my own expression, he didn’t like it, too. weakly, i addressed the new elephant in the room, noting how his hand in my hair had lessened its assertive hold, ‘if you noticed, then why…?’

‘it’s stupid.’ sebastian said immediately, his voice stern, cutting through the air like it was a statement the both of us knew was an inevitability. it stood between us as a vulnerable truth, one of the many we’d tell each other tonight, and one of the thousands we’d tell each other our whole lives. looking to the side, his eyes avoided mine, teeth gnawing at his bottom lip, looking for something other than the expectation in my gaze to focus on. softening the blow, his shaky lips parted again, a million, pent up emotions escaping him at once, all to interpret one string of incoherence into a language i understood that, to his drunken mind, made complete sense to say aloud, ‘i just… fuck , i didn’t want to lose you over something i didn’t know was for sure. is that a crime?’

i stared at him, eyes slightly wide, lingering on his question for a second. no , i concluded, no, it wasn’t a crime . if it was, we’d both be guilty of something— and, well, guilty was something i’d never want sebastian to be in his whole life, especially not because of me. my hands left his stomach, shakily reaching towards his face, cupping his cheeks in my palms with what gentleness i had left in me. everything felt like it was crumbling, yet it felt almost as if what walls we had built up so high to protect ourselves had to come down. sebastian breathed sharply in as he felt the trembling of my fingertips tapping against the side of his head, a precursor for what was the gradual lower of my palms against his cheeks, pressing tightly against his skin in a hold firm yet soft. his eyes bolted from the floor, up to me, who stared at him the way he thought i stared at my exes. now that he was finally seeing it for himself, and reserved for him no less— well, let’s just say he was a little stupid for thinking such a vulnerable stare was meant for anyone but him. sebastian’s hand let go of my waist, one fingertip at a time, moving to hook his arm around my back, hand finding its place against my right, fingers slipping beneath my t-shirt to press against my bare skin. i shivered underneath him, a pleasure he took delight in, all the while he awaited for my answer. 

‘i’ll confirm it now, then. i dated people just to drown out the feelings you gave me.’ i murmured, firmer than my whisper before, my lips curled up into a rather entertained smile. sebastian’s expression hardened into one of reprimand, then, once he understood i got the message, slowly transformed into one of gentle teasing. my thumbs rubbed either side of his head, his eyelids fluttering shut for a moment in elation before quickly parting, eyebrows furrowing slightly soon after. i laughed, finding it cute how sebastian silently tried to deny how much he liked being touched. tilting my head, i spoke, ‘happy?’

‘you’re a dumbass… yes. i am happy.’ he replied, voice a low murmur much like mine was. like clockwork, his fingers tightened around my hair, making me gasp slightly as he pulled me slightly forward, humming in satisfaction. sebastian tilted his head, though not in any particular emotion aside from assertion, his lips ghosting mine, threatening to press against me at any moment to finish what loose ends he had tied earlier. his eyes moved down from my own eyes to my lips, all the while he spoke in a low whisper words reserved only for us to hear, ‘doesn’t mean you’ll get off scott free, though. ready for your punishment?’

‘my punishment ?’ i asked, smirk on my lips, liquid courage lacing my voice. god, his voice was so hot like this. if i wasn’t watching myself, hyper aware of every move, i was certain that i would have begun salivating at his words. actually, now that i mentioned it, my lips did feel quite wet. maybe i already was? my eyes flicked down from sebastian’s eyes to his lips, noting that they were also glistening. they seemed so full, so pink and pretty, too. can he just hurry up and kiss me? actually, wait— shit, yeah, the punishment— what was that, even? shaking myself out of my thoughts, i continued my question, ‘pray tell, what would that be?’ 

sebastian chuckled, noting the way my gaze seemed to trace his face. if he charged me for this, he was sure he’d be a rich man. though, then again, if i decided to charge for the same thing, he’d need more than a degree and a stable job to keep himself afloat. my heart beat slowly in my chest, picking up the pace the moment sebastian began moving the hand resting beneath my shirt up my body, shiver crawling up my spine at the gentle caress of his calloused fingertips sliding up the side of my stomach. i sighed against his lips, forgetting sebastian’s watchful eyes for a second, allowing myself to melt . whatever he was going to say was likely the last thing he was going to say for a while before he finally picked me up and decided to continue what he was starting, a prospect i didn’t quite mind, and one i was eagerly waiting for. 

‘since i’m feeling nice , i’ll give you an appetiser.’

that was the final thing he said before assertively pressing his lips against mine, a smile stretched across them that quickly parted to skim his tongue against my bottom lip. sebastian left no time for my mind to catch up with the present moment, nor did he want me to protest, a set of conflicting needs that bled through his every, forceful movement. my eyes widened, much like they did before. though not as large as saucers, sebastian still cracked his eyes to see the gentle way in which my eyelids parted, showing a little more of my irises than normal. his amusement escaped him as a low chuckle, reverberating in the bottom of his throat, pressing against my lips in a buzz that tickled the back of my head— the same place he was currently tugging back with his hands. i could hear my heart in my ears, my pulse in the tips of my fingers, and the pleasured panic of our kiss in my chest, slamming against my ribcage in a resonance that reverberated through my every appendage. 

i felt his lips wholly, like he had consumed me instead of my lips, like the way he kissed me was life changing. i guess that’s because it kind of was, my eyes finally fluttering shut, my lips parting to finally accept him as he was. he tasted of nicotine and the comforting cool of mint, an addicting contradiction that sent a shiver down my spine. contrary to popular belief, i rather liked the taste of his cigarettes on my tongue. i loved it just as much as the gum he chewed earlier while driving us here, our shared playlist blasting on the radio while we shouted over the music and laughed like we always did. my thumbs began rubbing at his temples again, drawing slow, addicting circles into his skin, a sensation that made him groan into my mouth, his body stiffening for a second. my hands caressed him, holding sebastian’s every perfection and imperfection between my palms like a delicate piece of fine china meant only for me to appreciate. i handled him like he handled me, his lips moving against mine in a perfect, delicate tango, his teeth occasionally catching my bottom lip, pulling a surprised gasp from my lips. sebastian laughed every time, and i tried my hardest not to grimace.

we stood there, warm in the middle of a cold night, all wrapped up in each other like there wasn’t a whole party raging in behind the closed screen door beside us. not like we minded, however. i was fully convinced that if anyone were to interrupt us, sebastian wouldn’t have missed a beat telling them to fuck off, holding me closer, his lips still chasing mine. he’d been wanting this for as long as i have, his hand on my waist gripping a little tighter, fingertips squishing my skin beneath them. much like him, so have i, my hands leaving his cheeks to run down his chest, committing every curve and every muscle to memory. we’d be damned if we ever got interrupted, and luckily for us, this seemed to be a shared statement, one that ended in the almost completely drunken dance of lips and tongue. sebastian grunted as i felt him up, his body twitching slightly from in front of me with my movements, his hand leaving my waist to trail up my back, exposing sensitive skin to the elements. i shivered at the feeling of his fingers drifting across the wide expanse of my back, noting how he stopped dead in his tracks to trace up and down the dip of my spine. i flinched up into the warmth of sebastian’s palms, gasping all the while, his greedy lips swallowing every noise that left my mouth. sebastian pressed his lips tighter against mine, nudging his knee between my legs, his touches turning from mere suggestions to domineering within seconds— and, all it took was the noise that left my mouth. 

truly, it felt almost as if my gasp had unceremoniously flipped a switch inside his head, and all of a sudden he was doing more, forcing more from me that it was beginning to compound and leave me breathless. really? right here? we were doing this right here ? fuck— this was ridiculous. sebastian didn’t seem to care, though, his hands moving from my spine to grab at my hips, fingertips pressing into my sides, suggesting only one thing— he wanted me to grind, right here, right now. even though my eyes were closed, i could feel the way my legs began to shake, sebastian’s rings digging into the plush of my skin, leaving red marks in their wake as he kept me right there, right where he knew he’d make me tick, my hips jolting as his hands began to slowly roll them against his thigh. not like i minded, and sebastian seemed to know from the way i began to softly mewl into his mouth and match the momentum of his palms that i wanted this, too. through the thin material of my pants and my undergarments, sebastian guided me slowly yet surely as i began to ride his thigh. i couldn’t help myself, not anymore. truly, it felt like every time i tried to show restraint, something happened, preventing me from acting like a sane , completely logical human being. alcohol — yeah, i had alcohol. not enough to make me drunk, but enough to make me lose my mind whenever sebastian so much as moved. 

the pleasure he gave me was red hot, coursing through my veins with an intensity that made me see stars. god, had he done this before? was he as guilty as i was of letting the steam off just… in other ways? whatever it was, i succumbed, parting my lips against his own to whine, my fingertips digging into the material of his band tee like it was a lifeline. sebastian leaned away for a second, the absence of his lips only just barely substituted by the hot pants that left his lips, pressed flush against my own as a reminder of his own desperation that only just barely bubbled beneath the surface of faux composure. he smiled as i subconsciously tried to chase his lips, eyebrows furrowing, eyes screwing further shut in protest. he thought i looked cute when i threw a tantrum like this, my lips glowing a bruised pink, glistening with our saliva. my hair was a mess from how he gripped at it earlier, resting beside my face all strands and frizz when it was once so neatly done. feeling my lips graze against his in a wanton moan, my hips pressing my sensitivity dully into the plush of his upper thigh, he shook his head, entertained, all the while he kissed me once again. 

somehow, this kiss was so much more intense than the last, a long string of presses of our lips against each other that left the both of us wanting more. my hands let go of his shirt, tracing down his abdomen to slip beneath the hem of his shirt, pressing against the warmth of his skin just above his waistband. sebastian grunted into my lips, muscles flexing beneath my fingertips at the sudden intrusion. he sounded so pretty when he was caught off guard like that, his grunt low and vulnerable, calling out to me despite the impractical position we were in. my head spun with a million wants, a million desires that ultimately got sucked up by sebastian’s mouth, his lips occasionally leaving mine to let us breathe. though, those blips were brief, short moments of respite that were, if anything, only there out of obligation. he gave me the bare minimum of breathing room, because suffocating in the most pleasurable ways possible was what he always will be. the lack of oxygen was driving me crazy, mixed in with the fact that his thigh felt so good against me and the alcohol i seemed so intent on blaming my every action on, i felt like i was outright insane . despite the ringing in my ears convincing me otherwise, it truly was beginning to look like sebastian was willing to let me suffocate. not like i minded, its why i stayed kissing him for so long— but fuck . 

i didn’t mind. really, i didn’t, my hips growing a little more desperate, my heart picking up the pace. his fingertips tightened around my waist, moving me in the same, mind numbing circles against the damp spot in his black pants that i alone created. by this point, i was a moaning, gasping mess, cut off whines of his name leaving my lips growing in frequency. i groaned his name like a prayer, like it would make my high come any faster than what it already was, my nails slightly digging into the skin of sebastian’s abdomen. he hissed against my lips, his own nails flinching into my sides. i was close, so close i knew that if i didn’t pull away i’d be finishing and we’d be even more of a mess. but, god, it felt so damn good i couldn’t help myself. shit — at this rate—

not here, not like this , i told myself, all the while arching my back, all the while moving my palms to grab at his waist, fingertips pressing against his back, thumbs digging into his sides. again, sebastian groaned , my nails piercing the skin of his back, leaving behind crimson crescent moons in their wake. i wanted to hear more of him– what did he sound like when he moaned? what did he sound like when he whined? shit, it was all too fucking good. leaning my head back, i pulled away from sebastian’s lips, withdrawing only a couple centimeters, staring at his expression through my eyelashes. sebastian’s eyes opened with a gentle flutter, irises glistening with a vulnerable confidence that emanated from every part of his being. 

sebastian watched as i moved up and down his thigh, the rolling of my hips making my body bob ever so slightly, giving him a view he could never quite work up the confidence to tear his eyes away from. suddenly, he was wishing he had a third arm or something of the sort so he could hold my waist and pin my hair back at the same time, a smile working across his own, equally bruised lips. my back arched into his fingers, moan leaving me as he angled his thigh slightly upwards. if it weren’t for sebastian, i was totally convinced my knees would have bucked. thankfully, though, his hands gave me stability when i felt there wasn’t any, the movements of my hips growing so, so much faster. it didn’t take a genius to know why, especially when, in our minds, this had been a long time coming. a low chuckle left sebastian’s mouth, his head tilting ever so slightly as he fucking cooed .

‘close already?’ sebastian asked, his tone almost patronising in the most teasing of ways. his left hand moved from my side to press against my back, lifting my shirt up with it. like clockwork, i shivered, my eyes closing both with a moan and the chill that went up my spine, his palm so warm and so, so damn tempting. as much as i wanted to deny it for the sake of whatever pride i had left, i cut my losses and nodded. i didn’t have the patience to answer, nor did i want to find out what would happen if i didn’t, so i did the next best thing, pleading silently that he’d just give in and let me finish already. with a nod, he dipped his head, a gasp slipping my lips as he began pressing sloppy kisses to my jawline, trailing down to the middle of my neck. i could feel his shit eating grin pressed up against just above where my voice box was, teasing, annoying– just like he was. his hand began rubbing up and down my back, making me moan out of surprise, my hips jolting. he laughed once again, pressing a final kiss to my neck, one that lingered. 

‘i dare you, do it. dont you wanna be the whore who gets caught for finishing on my friend’s balcony?’ he said, completely teasingly, completely as a joke– yet, a test all the same. sebastian didn’t miss the shiver that shot down my spine at his jeer, a guilty pleasure of mine that made him grin. he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t into it, too.

as much as i wanted to retort, as much as i wanted to say that he would also be a slut for being caught doing this with me in the first place, i couldn’t let myself. it was now or never, and i was going to take the now over the possibility of never any day, especially after living multiple years of ‘never.’ digging my nails further into sebastian’s waist, i whined as i picked up the pace, noting the way his hands seemed to grow a little rougher, guiding my hips just that bit faster, just that bit rougher to the point where i was certain i wouldn’t be this highly strung if not for him. just when i thought he was done, he opened his mouth, and he bit, hard, his teeth boring into the side of my neck, his hair tickling the underside of my jaw and the crook of my neck. my eyes rolled into the back of my head at the timing of his bite, the pleasurable shock of every crown of his every teeth boring into my neck like he was about to consume me whole. that, and the way he began tracing the love bite he left on my neck with his tongue, seemed to be all i needed for the oh so tightly wound up coil in my lower stomach to violently snap. 

syllables of what could have been sebastian’s name left my tongue, escaping into the lukewarm air around us as raspy pleas for more that he took in stride, his front teeth nipping at my skin teasingly, his hands guiding me through the ringing in my ears and desperate noises coming from my lips. he murmured things– whatever they were– against my neck. they seemed to be praises, considering how he accented every one of his words with sloppy kisses and the like. whatever they were, it was nice hearing him try to reassure me despite everything, his hand that remained on my waist squeezing me once or twice in a weak attempt to ground me despite the way i practically spasmed on top of him. every object in front of my eyes blurred into one, every noise muffled into one big blur that fell on deaf ears that couldn’t listen no matter how hard i tried. i finished, and i finished harder than what i could have ever achieved on my own. by now, my high was but a distant memory, yet i still kept grinding, hips jolting every which way as i moved atop sebastian’s thigh, insatiable, needy. tears pooled in my eyes, threatening to roll down my cheeks as i worked myself into overstimulation, solely because i didn’t want this to end. sebastian pulled away from my neck, thoroughly entertained at the sight of me still fucking myself on top of him. as nice as it was to know i was willing to keep going, now he was the one thinking that continuing here wasn’t such a good idea, a sentiment we would have shared if not for the way he nudged his knee between my thighs. 

sebastian caught me when i slowly stopped grinding, his hands guiding me to his chest, his knee remaining between my thighs. i hadn’t even realised my high had ended when it did. one second, i was staring up into the stars above, while the next i was being ushered tightly against sebastian’s chest, my body limp, my lips parted in red, hot pants. the cold of the night began to intrude on our moment once again, much like it had before. though, this time, it felt almost comforting. speaking of comforting, i leaned into sebastian’s chest, moving slightly so i could press the side of his head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. his chest rumbled as he chuckled, his hand finding my hair, combing through messy locks with his fingers in a weak attempt to fix what he had previously messed up. i closed my eyes, listening to his heartbeat as it grew from rapid to almost steady, the occasional skip of his heart highlighting his pulse nicely. the throbbing of my own heart calmed slowly yet surely with time, alongside my pants which turned more into slow breathing, the intensity of the past… half an hour finally dawning on me. even as the clarity of our situation hit me, i didn’t regret it. or, at least, not as much as i thought i would, anyway. we both stood here, now in the afterglow of my orgasm, painted oh so terribly lewdly on the leg of sebastian’s baggy pants, and the material of both of my undergarments. sighing, i shook my head, digging my face in my hands in absolute embarrassment. again, sebastian laughed, though this time, genuine and hearty like he usually did. it seemed the reality of everything was hitting us both, remaining as a sweet set of inconveniences that hung in the not so tense air between us.

‘that was just an appetiser?’ i asked, groaning all the while, my cheeks flushed red in embarrassment. sebastian hummed, fingertips scratching ever so slightly against my skull in slow, calming strokes. he seemed to be thinking about something– whether it be what later would hold for us, or what we should do about the mess we made, it was something that wasn’t for my brain to work out. i trusted him, and i liked the surprise, too– so, ultimately, it worked out in the end, as it always tended to.

‘don’t believe me?’ he asked, smirk obvious in his voice. ah, so that really wasn’t it, then? my heart skipped a beat in my chest at the thought of what was next, though sebastian seemed intent on not letting me think too much about it, his voice cutting through the literal moment of silence we shared, ‘want to have the main course then, cariño?’

‘right here? on the balcony ?’ i spluttered, lifting my head off of his chest to look up at him, eyes wide. he laughed at my reaction, neither shaking his head nor nodding, giving no indication whether he agreed with my question or not. instead, he just smiled, the corners of his lips curling upwards to lift his cheeks, closing his eyes ever so slightly, revealing his teeth. a shiver went down my spine, ‘didn’t know you were that much of a freak, sebastian.’

‘it’s tempting… but no, i’d rather keep that sight to myself.’ he finally answered, deciding my reaction was satisfactory enough for him to finally move from the topic at hand. an overexaggerated sigh left my lips, all the while he chuckled, eyes opening to stare down at me with a mixture of entertainment and fondness. that said, how was he going to keep my reactions to himself when all we had was the balcony that was somewhat secluded…? raising an eyebrow, i stared up at him, square into his eyes. 

‘okay… but, how…?—’

before i could ask anything further, sebastian bent down a little bit, one arm behind my back, the other behind my knees. i yelped briefly, feeling myself fall backwards into his arms as i got swiftly swiped off of the ground, my mess hidden between my legs. luckily, sebastian’s pants happened to be black, and the party seemed to be dying down inside. they weren’t quite at the cleaning stage yet, in fact, it simply seemed as if they were in the process of ushering partygoers out, ending what was a long night for everyone here– including the both of us. whoever ‘they’ were was out of the question, hell, it wasn’t even the first thing on my mind. all i knew was that sebastian was probably meant to be one of them, the people who were monitoring and helping out at this party, and yet he was here, carrying me in his arms to… well, god knows where. his car, probably? god, i knew i should have left a change of clothes at his place. closing my eyes, i frowned, mulling over all of the possible places so closely i seemed to forget an option even closer. sensing my inner debate, sebastian piped up, all the while adjusting his palms against my back and my legs, making sure his hold on me was stable and safe.

‘we have a room to ourselves. let’s go before anyone complains.’ he said simply, looking up from me to give one last look out to the horizon that just bore witness to our lack of self control. i laughed, my voice hoarse from earlier, and sebastian smiled, hearing how worn i was from just earlier. maybe i wasn’t lying when i said earlier i wasn’t getting much action.

‘your friend’s gonna kill you.’ i joked, sickeningly wide smile in my voice. for once, though, i didn’t overanalyse it. i knew that, for a fact, i’d be able to sleep at night knowing that i smiled a little too wide at sebastian and that he noticed. this wasn’t a compounding regret anymore, a set of feelings that i was betting on losing horses would disappear. no, this was my endgame, and i was staring right at him, watching him laugh and take care of me after he fucked me on his thigh. how romantic . no, but seriously, how freeing. 

‘actually, he’s going to kill us .’ sebastian corrected, stopping in his steps just before the glass door in front of us, the very door we both walked through before this all started. i listened as he kept going, venting ever so slightly beneath his breath about the main thing that had been bothering him about the date of the party ever since he had it told to him. sebastian rolled his eyes, ‘he deserves it for having a party like this so close to our exam period.’ 

i shook my head, raising one of my hands from my sides to gently press at the middle of sebastian’s chest, absentmindedly tracing the space between his pecs. from beneath me, and beside me, too, his sturdy body flinched, melting into the poking and prodding of the pad of my index finger. i felt as his heart picked up the pace beneath it, pulse vibrating against my hand like it did before when i was grinding on his thigh, peaking with interest that only we were privy too. my touch turned from my finger to my palm, pressing fully against the middle of his chest, feeling what of him i could access from my place in his arms. sebastian turned back around, feebly hiding our actions from the glass door behind us, his head tilting down at me so he could see just what i was doing. noticing his stare, i dragged my eyes up his chest, tracing my gaze up the middle of his neck, stopping periodically at his adam’s apple which bobbed with his bated breath prettily in his throat. we made eye contact eventually, my staring catching all of his attention away from his ultimate goal of getting me to a guest bedroom. that didn’t matter, not now– so, he stood there like an idiot, staring down at me, waiting for me to say whatever it was that i needed his attention so badly to say. 

‘at least you’ll get a little stress relief before then?’ i asked, my voice small, the smile on my mouth somewhat wonky, almost like i was unsure. sebastian blinked once or twice, the dots in his head finally connecting. so that was why i was tracing his chest. shaking his head, he looked back up in a weak attempt to hide his blush. he wasn’t expecting my reply, but he was glad i wanted more.

‘… yeah. i guess so.’ 

to him, i was more than stress relief. i was more than the stars and the moon that hung so proudly in the sky above us. to him, i was myself, the very childhood friend who’d caused him so much pain yet so much happiness– buckets more happiness than pain. hopefully, our lives would be less intricate, less concerned with (admittedly) childish affairs and more concerned with the domesticality of living together, like organising chores and other things. sebastian figured he could picture me with bradee, and really, that was all he needed.

hopefully, this was the beginning of something less complicated. one can only hope, and hope we did, underneath a sea of stars.