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Chapter Text

It would be laughable if it wasn’t so annoying.

Among her unit, Yu Ziyuan was easily the most capable soldier. So much more capable than her comrades at arms that most of her time in battle was ensuring that the idiots around her didn’t get themselves killed by taking on the strongest opponents and subjugating them as quickly as possible.

Which, in turn, would be less annoying if her unit wasn’t full of obnoxious blowhards who all thought themselves to be inherently better than the women that waited for them at home. As though the mere nature of having a penis somehow allotted them with greater strength, courage, and insight.

Hilariously ironic considering that as the only woman in the unit, she had far more of the first two and they were clearly lacking that last one due to the fact that none of them had managed to figure out that she was a crossdresser.

Yu Ziyuan tried to see the humor in it. If she didn’t, she might get legitimately pissed.

Among them though, there was one man who might almost be able to stand at her side. If only he wasn’t tepid, mild-mannered, and pacifistic by nature.

She sort of wanted to strangle him most days.

Jiang Fengmian was not weak. He was actually quite strong in terms of pure strength. It wasn’t just the position that the Jiang family held that allowed him to be the leader of their unit. He was legitimately quite capable.

But the moron hated violence.

“This is war. If you aren’t willing to kill, they’ll certainly be willing to kill you.” Was one ill-considered criticism that Yu Ziyuan hadn’t been able to bite back after one nearly disastrous battle where she almost witnessed that moron lose his head because he hesitated to finish off his opponent.

That insubordination had actually gotten her into quite a bit of trouble. She didn’t regret it though. If given the opportunity, she’d probably say it again. Except louder, with more force, and directly into his stupid ear to ensure that the point got across into his stupid little head.

It would be easier if she would be okay with his death.

Many of her comrades at arms weren’t pleasant men. She wasn’t going to jump to their deaths, but she couldn’t claim that she would grieve if that gossipy Ouyang bastard fell off a cliff because he was too busy spreading rumors to look behind him.

Jiang Fengmian was different.

“Take a break, you’ve more than proved yourself.” He had smiled softly at her while offering her a cloth to wipe her face, his gentle eyes focused on her with a kindness that did something awful to her heart.

“I’ll take a break when we’re dead.” She’d bitten back bitterly, snatching the cloth away and storming off. And Jiang Fengmian was enough of a fool that she wouldn’t even reprimand her for that insubordination. Because he was just nice. Nice and stupid and definitely going to get himself killed.

It meant that Yu Ziyuan certainly needed to spend more time training her body. If she didn’t, that fool was certain to die because she’d been too slow to parry the blow that he was too nice to dodge.

Idiot. An absolute idiot.

And if her heart did a floaty sort of dance whenever he looked at her, that was her business and hers alone. She didn’t need anyone else to know that maybe she dreamed about him smiling just the same at her while she was dressed in all the finery she’d abandoned for the battlefield. She didn’t need anyone to ever even imagine that sometimes she thought it might be nice if he pressed her up against a tree and stopped being so infuriatingly nice for just five minutes.

Yu Ziyuan had never actually wanted to be desired before.

She’d always been happy with being feared and respected. Even before she’d thrown away her femininity to take on her fathers mantle and become a soldier. She was an intense person who never neglected her own strength. She didn’t believe in the notion of waiting to be protected, she would be the one to protect what was important to her and at any cost.

Yu Ziyuan was an intense person who did not accept mediocrity.

And whether it was boys or girls, she’d never craved admiration or desire. It all fell away in favor of becoming a person of unquestionable integrity. She had admirers back home who she’d easily pushed away and never thought twice about.

Then here was this stupid kind man who had never treated her special, never looked at her as anything more than ‘one of his soldiers’, and never wanted her in any way that mattered and she simply burned with the need for him to want her.

It was as infuriating as it was maddening. Yu Ziyuan could cry if she wasn’t so angry about the whole affair.

It was the least opportune time in her life to suddenly develop romantic feelings for another person and yet, she was unable to stop herself from falling deeper and farther for a man who hardly acknowledged her existence.

“Good job today.”

Yu Ziyuan looked up from where she’d been cleaning her hands. Jiang Fengmian looked pale and sickly. He always did after battle. The blood, the gore, and the death always took such a terrible toll on him. And yet, he always made an effort to check in with each of his men after every battle. Careful to prioritize ensuring their own well-being above his own need for rest and recovery.

It was among one of the many traits that Yu Ziyuan hated about him.

She grit her teeth and decided that she didn’t care if there were repercussions for it later, she wouldn’t tolerate this today.

“Sit.”

Jiang Fengmian made such an adorably confused face of incomprehension over the command. That made plenty of sense. Who would actually blatantly order their commanding officer to do anything?

Yu Ziyuan took his hand in her own and dragged him down to sit down by the lake with him, their side-by-side reflections staring back at them. His eyes where wide and perhaps it was the ripples in the water, but his cheeks looked pink.

“Wash yourself before you see your men. You look disgraceful.” Yu Ziyuan chastised strictly, continuing her own efforts as an example.

It was true that Jiang Fengmian did look significantly disheveled. Although that was hardly the real reason she’d dragged him down with her.

The truth was that he looked broken in a way that made her heart ache and she just couldn’t stand to see him like that.

Wordlessly, Jiang Fengmian cleaned up his appearance until he almost looked human again. Still perhaps pale and nauseous, but nowhere near the undead agony he’d been projecting before.

“Thank you.” Jiang Fengmian said softly once he was done, lingering a moment longer at her side before returning to his duties.

Yu Ziyuan cleaned herself furiously while pretending that her heart wasn’t pounding in her ears.

Chapter Text

Yu Ziyuan of the Yu clan was, in a word, intense.

Jiang Fengmian didn’t know how to keep up with him on most days.

He marched forward with a determination and confidence that was unmatched by anyone else that Jiang Fengmian had met. A pure and unadulterated passionate determination that made Yu Ziyuan’s mere presence crushing, but the strength behind that conviction was crushing.

In a million ways, Yu Ziyuan was more suited for leadership than he would ever be. In a million ways, he found himself unable to look away from.

Yu Ziyuan was mesmerizing.

Jiang Fengmian had simply never met a person who could completely capture respect the way that he could. He’d also never before met someone with such an awkward kindness.

Yu Ziyuan was harsh on everyone around him. Borderline cruel at times. And yet, every time that Jiang Fengmian took the time to look closely at that hardedge, he always found an innate kindness beneath it.

Yu Ziyuan wanted to protect. He wanted the people around him to survive. He wanted people to succeed. He wanted things to work out right.

So, he would call out anything that he felt got in the way of those goals. If he saw his fellow soldiers slacking, then he would chastise them. If he found someone in danger, he would rush to their side. If he heard someone espousing a foolish untruth, he would ruthlessly correct them.

In his heart, Yu Ziyuan cared deeply for those around him. And yet, on his exterior, he could be mistaken for hating the world.

Sometimes Jiang Fengmian just wanted to pull him into a hug and not let go until he’d somehow reassured him that it could all be okay.

It would be a lie. Jiang Fengmian was optimistic, but he wasn’t a fool. He knew that the war was long from over and nothing would be truly ‘okay’ until they could finally clean their hands of this wretched affair for good and return home.

Still, the desire lingered inside of him to hold Yu Ziyuan protectively. And at some point, Jiang Fengmian became unable to deny the reason why.

Yu Ziyuan was undeniably an attractive man, his striking appearance had been one of the first things that Jiang Fengmian had noticed when he arrived. A beauty that bordered on feminine, but was also somehow beyond gender. Yu Ziyuan looked like art. He looked like strength. He looked like poise and grace and he stole Jiang Fengmian’s breath away.

And yet, Yu Ziyuan’s appearance hadn’t really been what attracted him. He had simply recognized it and moved on. Beauty alone was not enough to move Jiang Fengmian’s heart.

It was everything that followed.

It was when he caught Yu Ziyuan training long after dark, until it was senseless to continue.

It was how Yu Ziyuan always met his gaze with such passion, as though daring him to chastise him for his insubordination.

It was was the way that Yu Ziyuan fell asleep against a tree one day and he’d seen just how soft his face could be, smiling gently in the land of dreams.

It was in so many tiny ways that he’d lost count that Yu Ziyuan won his heart again and again and again. But, given their positions, it would be unacceptable for Jiang Fengmian to pursue him and so he always kept a distance between them.

Always made sure that he treated Yu Ziyuan exactly the same as everyone else. Always measured his own reactions to hide his own desires. Always hid the part of his heart that wanted him so badly that he could cry.

Yu Ziyuan was the moon. Unattainable and yet, so enraptured that he could stare forever at its simple beauty.

There was perhaps entire scrolls of poetry that he could write on any given morning with Yu Ziyuan. Just to express how much he wanted to close the gap between them. On how much he deeply respected and admired him.

It was a shame, and something that broke Jiang Fengmian’s heart regularly, that Yu Ziyuan clearly held him in great disdain. He wasn’t sure the exact reason, although judging by the criticisms he’d often receive he could make a fair few guesses, but Yu Ziyuan clearly did not care for him in the slightest. Very much the opposite.

It should be good. It should make it easier for him to resist. After all, Jiang Fengmian had never been a crass enough man to pursue someone when his desires were truly unwanted.

Yet, sometimes he really wanted nothing more than to interrupt a spiel about his incompetence as a leader with a searing kiss.

It was absolutely awful. Jiang Fengmian felt guilty about it. Although he could no more control his own heart than he could change the phases of the moon.

“Why do you look so wretched?”

Jiang Fengmian looked up from where he’d been struggling over a report and fought down the way he wanted to smile at the object of his affections, and the source of his distraction.

Yu Ziyuan was glaring down at him with a disdain that left no question as to just how he felt about his superior officer. Really. No one would dare to be so absolutely disrespectful except for Yu Ziyuan. Yet, there was something deeply charming about it that Jiang Fengmian was helpless against.

“I admit that I let my mind wander while I should be working.” Jiang Fengmian confessed, in the same carefully unaffected tone that he used to maintain a careful distance from the object of his affections.

Yu Ziyuan’s scowl deepened, as though he had managed to displease him once more with his words. “How useless.” He scoffed. It was crossing a boundary that shouldn’t be crossed. Jiang Fengmian knew he ought to reprimand him, that Yu Ziyuan would look down on him even further for not doing so, and yet his thoughts were stolen by fantasies of what it might feel like to kiss Yu Ziyuan’s scowl away.

“It is indeed.” Jiang Fengmian replied ambiguously, returning to his work as his heart yearned for the one standing so close and yet so far.

Chapter Text

In the bloody rain of victory, there is heartbreak.

Yu Ziyuan stares down at her fallen enemy and she knows in her heart that it is the last one. The last battle. The last opponent. The last time she would need to parade around as a soldier and live this farce.

She would return home after this and in all likelihood, never see a single one of these soldiers again. Even if they saw her in passing, they would see a woman and look over her head the way that all men do.

She would become invisible again once she shucked away the lie of manhood. An object to be owned rather than a person.

It wasn’t entirely true. Yu Ziyuan had always rather successfully striven to be known and respected regardless of her appearance, but it was undeniable how much easier it was to be treated the way she wanted to be when she was a ‘man’.

That wasn’t what truly upset her though.

That wasn’t the reason that her heart was shattering into so many little pieces that would be left on the battlefield and never to be found.

After this, she would never see Jiang Fengmian again.

They had no reason to cross paths. She had always been nothing more than a capable, if not insubordinate, soldier to him and he had always been nothing more than her incapable commanding officer.

There was no world where the two of them were able to close that gap. There was no dream where he looked at her and found everything he’d ever wanted. There was no world where she could claim him as her own.

Even if she tried, and she’d considered it so many times over the two years she spent at war, it would end in disaster. He would learn she wasn’t a man and he would be honorbound to do something about her lie. It would cost not just her life, but the lives of her family.

There was no future between them.

So, when the smoke cleared and the soldiers were all dismissed, Yu Ziyuan packed her things and began the long journey home. Some of her comrades traveled with her for a ways, finding their own homes along the way and saying their goodbyes. Some of them avoided her path, and they were smart to do so. Some of those bastards she would gratefully reintroduce the word fear into their hearts now that she no longer needed them to stay alive at her side.

When Yu Ziyuan was finally welcomed home, by her furious and relieved family, she finally let herself cry as the heartbreak hit her all at once.

I didn’t lose anything, I never had him to begin with.

Yet, she still felt as though she’d lost something she could never get back. Something precious and irreplaceable.

Their final meeting had been short and respectful. He discharged her with the same gentle kindness he offered all of his soldiers and she left with a bitter heart, words tangled up in her chest.

In the weeks that followed, Yu Ziyuan found something approaching normality. It was impossible for things to return to the way they once were. She wasn’t the same person who left for war two years ago. She was changed in ways that simply couldn’t fit back together the same way.

She would talk with her father a lot about his own experience at war. Often, they wouldn’t talk at all. Simply sit with one another and allow their demons to sit alongside them. That sometimes settled the part of her soul that was forever warped by rivers of blood.

But, she was herself again. Which was a bit of a relief. Yu Ziyuan hadn’t hated cross-dressing, it was a means to an end and she was determined to reach that end, but she liked her own clothes better. She liked the makeup adorning her eyes and the intricate jewelry braided into her hair.

She liked feeling pretty.

And maybe, sometimes, she’d glance at her reflection and wonder what Jiang Fengmian would think if he could see her like this. Would it have been enough to capture his attention?

One fine day, months after the end of the war and when Yu Ziyuan thought that maybe she could finally leave that part of her heart behind her, she heard something drop and turned around.

In one look, she knew she was a fool for thinking she could ever let go of the part of her heart that yearned for him. She still had every contour of his face memorized, still wanted nothing more than to drag him down to meet her lips, still craved to hear his soft voice.

And, equally, her eyes widened to match his own shocked gaze as she realized he recognized her. Completely. Immediately. The box that dropped to his feet completely forgotten in favor of gaping at her as though he couldn’t piece together the facts properly.

It was a moment that left Yu Ziyuan frozen with terror. For all her exhilaration at being able to see him once again, she was keenly aware of what this would mean. Her secret was a deadly one.

His breath hitched and his eyes flickered, and then he smiled at her warmly.

“Excuse me, miss. I was startled by your beauty.” Jiang Fengmian said, his words not doing anything to conceal the truth. “May I ask your name?”

Yu Ziyuan glared at him, raising her chin up. She wouldn’t be ashamed, even now. She wouldn’t allow herself to lower her gaze ever. “Yu Ziyuan.”

Despite her expectations, Jiang Fengmian’s eyes only grew warmer in a way he had never seen before. It caused her heart to throb.

“That’s a lovely name. I’m Jiang Fengmian.” He greeted, as though it truly were their first meeting.

And she realized it in that moment. He’d chosen to pretend he didn’t know. To preserve her family and to keep her secret, she was a new acquaintance.

What an absolutely foolish man who was full of kindness. An idiot who was sure to be taken advantage of if he didn’t have someone strong at his side.

Something like a smile begged the corners of her lips and Yu Ziyuan returned the greeting.

In the small village that she called home, Yu Ziyuan met the love of her life for the second time and this time decided that she wouldn’t let him get away.

Little did she know, he was thinking much the same.