Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

They say you’ve drowned when you no longer see bubbles floating towards the top of the water. And there were stages of drowning, just like there were stages of grief.

When you first hit the water, it’s shock. Your body hits the cold liquid and your mind lags behind as it tries to process the sudden change of temperature.

It’s similar when you first lose someone. Shock enters your system as a way of protecting you from immediate pain.

Then follows the strong emotions - with drowning, it’s panic as you become a tangle of thrashing limbs, fighting and clawing at the water to try to get to the top. With grief, the strong emotion is usually anger - lashing out at anything and anyone to cover up the pain inside. Though not the same, anger feels desperate in the way panic does.

The next stage is bargaining…begging. When someone dies, you beg God to bring them back, you say that you’ll do anything, including forfeit your own life if it meant you didn’t have to live without that person. With drowning it happens in the moment you realize you can’t get out of this in your own strength. You’re sinking deeper and deeper, the water is burning your lungs and you can’t breathe - so you pray for God to save you, you say say that if He saves you, you’ll do anything to pay Him back.

Depression is next. In grief, it’s obvious and slow and monotonous. You’ve had enough of the pain and the brokenness and the desperation and the deep ache. You let yourself go numb. Nothing matters anymore. With drowning, it happens fast and it combines with the last stage - acceptance. It’s a dull dread as the panic subsides, there’s still fear hidden beneath but it numbs away as your mind begins to lose consciousness.

Finally, it’s acceptance. Kai never made it to that stage with grief. In fact, with drowning he didn’t feel any of the stages at all. It was hard to feel anything when you brought the water upon yourself.

There was roaring and swishing as a black-clad arm cut through the water. The hand at the end of the arm clutched at red fabric, yanking up in desperation. Legs kicked out in the cold water, carrying two persons upward towards the light above.

The swimming person let a few bubbles slip from his lips. Sun rays became nearer, until finally, a head of shaggy black hair broke the surface of the water. Its owner gasped for breath, but didn’t stop. He looped his arms around the chest of his limp companion and made a break for the shore.

After an exhausting effort, his feet finally hit rocky soil, and he used the last of his strength to drag his friend ashore.

The black-clad man was on hands and knees, coughing and gasping for air. But he didn’t waste much time. He pushed back the mop of hair from his forehead and crawled towards the figure lying on the ground next to him.

His friend was pale as snow, tinges of blue and purple around his mouth and under his eyes. The mousy brown hair that usually stuck up wildly was now matted to his forehead uncharacteristically. The worst thing was how cold the boy was to the touch as he kneeled over him and felt for a pulse.

“FSM…” he muttered under his breath. “Zane!” he called out to a distant figure in white. “I need you.”

He gritted his teeth, trying to hide the desperation in his tone. Just in case his severely unconscious (dead) friend could hear him.

He started compressions, hand over hand, pressing down in the soft part between his friend’s chest and rib cage. With each one, he whispered the number out loud.

“Come on, Kai, come on…don’t make me give you mouth to mouth dude…”

There were footsteps nearing, slipping across the gravel with graceful speed.

“I’m here, Cole.” The person in white skidded to a stop, kneeling down on Kai’s other side just as the latter began to cough.

The sound was like music to both of their ears.

“Get him on his side,” Zane commanded, already reaching to help roll him.

As soon as Kai was on his side, he was coughing wildly, hacking up water and anything left inside his stomach. Cole patted his back firmly, ensuring everything got out. Zane had a hand on the red-clad shoulder, supporting him as he shuddered violently.

Finally, the hacking stopped and Kai curled into a ball, trembling in his soaked long-sleeved t-shirt. Cole reached over to touch his brother’s shoulder, intending to help him sit up, but he jerked back when Kai flinched violently.

“Nn…don’t,” Kai rasped weakly.

Cole reached out again cautiously. “Kai, I just want to-“

“I said, don’t!” Kai somehow found the strength to roll onto his hands and knees, but the force of the yell seemed to take all the air from Kai’s lungs, and he began wheezing. Cole and Zane locked eyes in concern.

“Brother, you should really rest,” Zane said, putting a gentle hand on his in an attempt to push him back to sitting. “We need to get you further medical attention.”

Kai’s hair was over his eyes, water droplets slowly dropping down into the gravelly sand. Each breath seemed to take an extreme amount of exertion. Still, he managed to grab Zane’s wrist and shove it off him.

“I-If I wanted m-medical attention, I w-wouldn’t be here,” Kai’s voice was hard to make out as he stared at the ground.

His labored breathing picked up, but despite that, he lurched forward, beginning to crawl on hands and knees in the direction of the sea he had just been saved from.

“Kai, stop,” Cole warned, standing to his feet and taking the few hurried steps towards his friend.

But the red-clad boy was determined. With the last of his stubborn strength, he pushed to his feet, swaying dangerously at the top. Cole’s hand lingered right behind his shoulder, while Zane watched carefully from behind.

Neither of them could see the steely brow ln eyes glaring with agony at the unforgiving sea. Those eyes should be a bright and blazing amber, burning with the fire of a passionate and courageous spirit. But those same eyes had watched the one person he could always count on, the one person that truly mattered to him, give herself to the ocean.

And nobody cared. Nobody saw his pain. They saw Jay’s sure, but they never saw his. Never cared. So why would they now?

He felt himself swaying, the strength of his adrenaline fading. He had to act quickly. And with the last of it, he was going to give himself up to the sea too. A quick glance behind him threw Cole off enough to give him a head start.

On shaky legs, he darted forward, ignoring the shouts of his friends behind him. He didn’t make it far before Cole was on top of him, tackling him from behind as they both slammed down to get a face full of gravel.

The wildfire of emotions rose in Kai’s chest and his vision whited out.

Something feral unleashed inside him, his entire body lashing out against the unwanted savior. His fingers searched for purchase in the soil as he bucked his hips, trying to free himself from the weight on top of him.

“Let me go!” he thought that was him saying that, but he couldn’t be sure. Neither could he be sure that the enraged screaming that followed belonged to him.

Somehow, though, he got free from his captor (there might have been fire involved, if the flaming fist, pained yelp, and angry red mark on Cole’s face had anything to do with it.) Then he was on his feet again, bent over and zig zagging wildly as he darted for the water.

“Brother, stop!”

There were two of them calling for him now, but it didn’t matter. It was too late. Too little too late in fact. The sea was calling him (it was calling him it was!).

His feet had almost touched the water when the captor was upon him again, looping an arm around his shoulders and dragging him backwards away from the water.

“No! No!”

The wild boy fought the arms around him, own arms flailing, shrieking and howling as if the world were ending.

“Kai, Kai, please stop-“

He ignored the voice, shoving at Cole’s chest, and kicking out his legs. He twisted around in his grasp until the only purchase Cole had was the ends of his sleeves.

“Brother, please, this isn’t what she would’ve wanted!”

The grip failed and Kai went tumbling backwards, landing in the gravel with a breathtaking thud.

And maybe it was just the wake up he needed. It was almost as sudden as a factory reset. Amber eyes blinked up at the sky slowly. There were no clouds today. The blue reminded him of her.

Kai choked on a sob. He turned and buried his face in the sand, shielding his face with one arm as the new emotion overtook him. It wasn’t anger. It wasn’t desperation. It was just pain, pure and simple, and it hurt.

His brothers watched with sad eyes, frozen to the spot for a moment, feeling achy and guilty all at once. They couldn’t lock eyes, but they both knew the other was thinking just how badly they’d failed.

It had hurt them all to lose Nya. She was a sister to them all. And the love of Jay’s life. But she was Kai’s sister first - his baby sister who he had sacrificed his whole childhood to raise. And they realized then just how much they had forgotten that.

Zane moved first, the empathetic helper in him kicking in as he kneeled down beside his broken brother. He rested a gentle hand on his back, but didn’t move him. The red ninja continued to sob until Cole finally got himself to move. He sat down, then reached forward to pull Kai up out out of the sand.

His brother went limp in his grasp, head crashing against his chest as he continued to cry. Zane scooted close, resting his hand in Kai’s hair and softly stroking.

They stayed like that for what seemed like ages until Kai’s sobs turned into gasps of air and then to concerning wheezes. Zane touched the back of his hand to his brother’s too pale cheek, finding it clammy and cold. He met Cole’s gaze worriedly.

“There may still be water in his system. And slight hypothermia, as his body is not returning to temperature on its own,” the nindroid spoke softly, as to not cause further panic to their broken brother.

Cole’s eyes reflected Zane’s worry. He was swaying back and forth gently as Kai’s eyes fluttered, losing the fight to stay open.

“Where are the others?” The earth ninja asked, tapping Kai’s cheek to keep him awake.

Zane’s eyes stayed trained on their sick brother, silently scanning him. “Pixal brought the Bounty here as soon as I arrived, but she’s been waiting for our signal. I’ll call for her now.”

Soon the Bounty was coasting into sight and settling in place above them.

Cole lifted their now eerily silent brother and hurried towards the lowered lift that would take them to the decks above.

Chapter Text

Lloyd was perched in the crow’s nest of the Bounty, waiting. He held an icy treat in his hand, which was slowly melting, dripping down his arm as he lost himself in thought.

It had been early morning when he had woken up to find Kai not in his bed (early for Lloyd, which meant it was even earlier for Kai). After Nya’s disappearance, Lloyd had made it a habit to wake early and check each of his brother’s bedrooms to reassure himself that yes, they were alive and well. He’d waited a minute to see if he was just in the bathroom. But when the minute had passed and Kai still hadn’t pattered back in to flop back asleep, Lloyd was worried.

Kai had been acting really strange lately. And it was understandable. His sister had disappeared into the ocean around six months ago now and no one was really okay. But the last few weeks, he’d notice Kai gone at odd times, sometimes late into the night and occasionally, like today, in the early morning.

Lloyd finally decided to check the living room, but there was no sign of his brother. He even checked the Monastery courtyard, where sometimes he could find someone training their sleepless night away. But Kai was nowhere to be found, and the worry in Lloyd’s stomach turned into a twisted knot.

He’d shaken Cole awake. The earth ninja awoke with a start, cutting off midsnore.

“Hm, Lloyd, what is it,” he yawned tiredly, not quite processing the worry on Lloyd’s face yet.

Lloyd chewed at his lip, not quite understanding the sinking feeling he was getting.

“I-I can’t find Kai,” he said, realizing it sounded stupid.

Cole rubbed at his eyes and swung his legs over the edge of the bed.

“Kai? He’s probably just training in the courtyard. You know how he is.”

“Yeah, but…I already checked there. He’s not here.”

Cole sighed, standing up and stretching his arms in the air before seemingly deciding he would humor him. Lloyd followed behind as the sleepy earth ninja lumbered down the halls, checking every room as they passed by.

They found Zane in the meditation room and Cole knocked lightly before coming in. The nindroid was in a perfect meditation pose, but cracked open an eye as they walked in.

“Good morning, Cole, Lloyd,” he greeted warmly. “Would you care to join me?”

“Um, no thanks, Zane,” Cole said. “We were actually wondering if you’d seen Kai.”

“Kai?” Both Zane’s eyes opened, brow furrowing. “Hm, I was up quite early and he was still in bed, then. Is everything alright?” (Clearly Zane, the mother hen, was checking on them just as Lloyd did.)

Lloyd shuffled nervously. “It’s probably nothing. I’m probably just being paranoid…but…it doesn’t feel right. He’s been acting extra strange lately…”

“That is a valid concern, Lloyd, not nothing,” Zane assured him. “Let’s go check the cameras and see if we can figure anything out.”

The three of them made their way down the hall to the secret door that led down to their base below. Cole leaned against the wall of the elevator sleepily as they went down.

Zane led the way towards the security system, pulling up the last few hours of footage. Lloyd watched closely for anything out of place.

“There!” He pointed at a gray figure turning around the corner.

Kai had his hoodie pulled up, but looked behind him as if checking to see if he was being followed. But they got a good side view of his face, which looked tense. The time stamp read 4:52am. Definitely earlier than Kai ever got up before.

“Where is he going?” Lloyd wondered aloud.

Zane switched camera views to the courtyard, and they watched Kai cross to the gates without so much as glancing at the training yard. He slipped out, taking another peek behind him. Something definitely wasn’t right.

The ice ninja paused the footage. “Does anyone know where Kai likes to go when he’s upset?”

Lloyd had one idea, but he wanted to believe that Kai hadn’t stooped that low again. Next to him, Cole muttered something under his breath.

“Oh no,” the earth ninja said more loudly. “Oh FSM, I’m an idiot.”

He turned and hightailed it towards the vehicle hangar, leaving Zane and Lloyd looking at each other with bewildered expressions. But whatever it was seemed serious so they soon followed.

Cole was already in his vehicle revving the engine when Zane and Lloyd came into the hangar behind him.

“Cole, what is it, brother?” Zane asked.

“Don’t have time to explain,” Cole said, breathless. “But Kai said something funny last night. It didn’t make sense then but it does now. I know where he is. Lloyd, stay here.”

He locked eyes with Zane, silently communicating to make him stay. Without another word, he backed out of the garage and sped away.

“What? Why?” Lloyd protested a tad too late. If Kai was in trouble, he wanted to help.

Zane patted him on the shoulder. “We need someone to inform Master Wu and Pixal,” he said, redirecting him. “I will follow behind Cole and let you know where to scoop us up if needed.”

Lloyd huffed. “I’m not a child. Whatever’s going on, I can help.”

“Lloyd,” Zane’s tone changed as he moved towards his vehicle. “Go.”

It wasn’t up for debate and Lloyd decided he hated that. But he’d gotten Wu and Pixal and once Zane pinged their location, they’d driven the Bounty to them.

And now here he was, legs dangling from the Bounty’s lookout as they raced towards the hospital.

The lime green popsicle he had grabbed from the freezer out of habit (he still ate sweets when he was stressed) was now dripping down his sleeve, causing him to finally look down at the mess he had made. There was a puddle of green next to him and even some on his pant leg soaking through to his thigh.

Something about it made him ache.

Maybe it represented something. Trying to hold onto something so tightly, yet watching it melt away and slip through your fingers.

Lloyd thought maybe that was like his family. They’d found him at a young age, saved him from the dark life he could’ve lived. And he’d clung to that. Clung so tightly sometimes that it hurt.

And time and time again, his family had slipped through his grasp.

First it was during the final battle against the Overlord - watching each one leave him and sacrifice themselves as he was left alone to make it to the top.

Then it was Zane, who by the grace of the First Spinjitzu was brought back to them. But Lloyd still remembered the emptiness that was his heart during those times.

It was hearing about Cole falling into the mist.

It was believing his brothers were crushed in the Bounty.

It was all the close calls he’d seen with his siblings throughout the years - the intense fear of abandonment, even if it wasn’t their fault, the fear that they would leave him.

Then, Nya. His big sister. The one who had seen him and loved him since the very beginning, even when the others weren’t so sure yet. She never judged him, never thought of him any differently than a little brother who had had it rough in life.

Lloyd understood why all of them felt the need to sacrifice themselves constantly. He’d carried the same burden himself. He just wished it didn’t have to be them, he wished that he could do it for them, to repay all the love and the life they had given him over the years. It was the one thing that made Lloyd say it wasn’t fair.

And now Kai - the green ninja had watched from above as Cole brought him aboard, soaking wet and limp in his arms. Looking small, so small.

He quickly put two and two together about what had happened. He was going to jump down from his perch and follow them inside, but something stopped him.

Maybe Cole was right. Lloyd already had the burden of Nya’s sacrifice looming over him. He was already carrying the guilt of not being able to do anything to make this better, of not knowing where Jay was, or how he was doing, of making sure his team was okay. Whatever Kai was doing to try to “heal” himself, it clearly wasn’t good nor healthy. And Cole didn’t want Lloyd to carry that burden too.

Kai was always his protector, his hero, his big brother. He was tough, invincible, and stupidly persistent. Lloyd didn’t need to see his hero like this, didn’t need to break the facade that Kai had built up for him. He knew Kai wouldn’t want that most of all.

It was a sad day when the unbreakable brother broke. But Lloyd understood why - this was different for Kai then Zane or Cole or even Jay. This was his little sister who’d he’d raised - the only real family he’d had for most of his life and the one constant.

Lloyd understood that better than most.

So he stayed put, hoping and praying that his big brother would come out alright.

If he wasn’t, well…it would just be another person slipping through his fingers. And he guessed he was used to that.

Slipping through my fingers all the time

I try to capture every minute

The feeling in it

Slipping through my fingers all the time