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"Antirad"
Antirad's eyes snapped open, and he sat up in his bed, looking around the dark room.
"Antirad, are you awake?"
He gently opened up his mind to the static buzzing around him and could almost feel a shiver going through Radcen when he trickled inside.
"I am now."
"...Sorry. It's important."
"What is it?"
"Can you come up? Into my office?"
"Now??" Antirad glanced at his clock, which read 2 am and then at Modlee, who was still fast asleep behind him. His squishy face looked so soft and peaceful, and his messy hair was adorable.
"Yes. Please..." There was a beat of silence as the static shifted just a tiny bit. "I'll even admit that he IS cute."
"What?!"
"Look, even I'm not completely immune to baby faces, now are you going to come here or not?"
Antirad pushed his surprise away and sighed. "Of course."
"Thank you... really." And with that, the static ceased completely.
He very slowly got out of bed, careful not to wake Modlee and put on his clothes, wondering what Radcen could possibly want. He didn't realise at the moment, but now, looking back at it, Radcen had seemed... tense? There was a strange sense of what he'd almost described of desperation that had swung with his words.
Antirad subconsciously got ready faster and stumbled out of the door, closing it silently behind him.
It didn't take him long to reach the tower and to get up it, and just like that, he was standing in front of the door to Radcen's office. He knocked and was immediately called inside.
He found Radcen standing by the window overlooking the city, but once he entered, he turned and headed to the couch instead. He looked incredibly tired. His hair was ruffled, and his skin pale. The office was also only very dimly lit by his desk lamp, casting ominous shadows all over it.
"Radcen, what's wrong?" Antirad asked as he followed him over to the couch and sat down close to him, so much so their knees rested against one another.
A faint smile appeared on Radcen's troubled face. "It's... just... Antirad about me, my past... Do you remember when you looked into it? And saw me coming from the off-compass?"
"Yes, of course."
"I wondered if... if you could see beyond that."
Antirad immediately shook his head. "I'm sorry, Radcen, but no, I can't. Even just seeing that bit of your past was... extremely hard. I've tried before to look outside the compass, but... I simply can't do that."
Radcen tried to hide his disappointed expression by turning away. "That's... fine. I—I expected as much. I shouldn't have even called you up here, honestly. You should be down there in bed with him."
Antirad stared at him. Why was he acting so... strange? He sighed softly and got closer to him, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him into a hug. Radcen did not resist and shakily hugged him back.
"It's okay. Clearly, something is wrong... and I'm here now."
"You are," Radcen mumbled and pushed his face into the crook between his neck and shoulder.
Antirad gently patted his hair, letting his fingers run through it and placing a small kiss on top of it, making Radcen shiver once more. His whole body quaked, and suddenly, he gripped onto Antirad much tighter. He wondered what was happening and was about to ask, but then he heard soft sniffles coming from him.
Oh. OH—Oh no what... what do I—Do I comfort him like Modlee? Does he need anything specific?? I've never... he's never cried or been... upset like this. What do I do?*
With Modlee in mind, he held Radcen closer and gave him another small kiss.
"Shhh, it's okay," He mumbled, trying to soothe him while rubbing his back. "I'm here."
Radcen moved, climbing onto his lap while keeping his face hidden, his body clicking perfectly into Antirad's, getting as close to him as physically possible. Antirad made sure to open up both his mind and soul, too, just in case Radcen needed that closeness too, but he didn't connect to either. Still, he kept them open as an option.
He gently kissed his cheek, mumbling more affirmations like he'd do with Modlee, before finally asking him: "Do you want to talk about what's going on? Or do you need... something else?"
It took Radcen a while to respond as he sniffled. "I-I don't know."
"That's alright, we can also just stay like this."
"Mhm," Radcen muttered, pressing his face even further into Antirad's neck. "Please don't tell anyone."
"Wh—Of course not!" Antirad gave him another soft kiss. "Don't worry, you're safe. No one will know, you'll be alright."
He let his fingers wander deep into his hair, scratching his head. His heart flickered with genuine care and affection, and as soon as he realised that, he paused.
It had been obvious that he was somewhat addicted to Radcen. He couldn't stay away from him, and his closeness was intoxicating. That's how he'd been thinking of it, that he was like a drug to him and nothing more. Someone who was like him who could make him feel more powerful, who could make him feel good. But now his heart was a traitor to that simple line of thought, and suddenly, he was confronted with a depth and complexity he hadn't seen before. Had it even been there? Perhaps deep below, somewhere, hidden away from his vision.
"Antirad—What's going on?" Radcen asked, sounding... scared.
"N-Nothing. It's okay, I just got lost in thought," Antirad began to move again, going back to his soothing motions as his chest spilt more unstoppable warmth all throughout him.
He felt about him so similarly to how he'd feel about Modlee... and that worried him. Why would he feel this way about Radcen? He had no business doing that! And yet... here he was. Wanting to hug and cuddle and kiss and soothe him. Talk with him about whatever bothered him.
He was honest enough to admit to himself that a part of why he wanted to talk about it was to satiate his own curiosity, but a bigger part just... wanted him to feel better again.
Suddenly and without warning, Radcen's soul touched Antirad's, which was still wide open.
Oh no— He tried to hide that warmth and care at least a little bit, to not have it be so obvious, but he was too late with it, and it spread into Radcen, who let out a long, shaky gasp.
Now it was Antirad who shoved his face into Radcen's hair to hide it as his soul burnt brighter with that same affection as soon as it felt Radcen's soul flow into it.
The first thing he sensed from the other was... God, it was sadness and pain. So much of it. Fear and confusion. Injustice and anger. A whole horrific cocktail of emotions that almost took his breath away, even just experiencing it secondhand like this.
But slowly, Radcen's breath steadied as he let more of Antirad's gentle energy in. His body stopped trembling, and he sighed deeply, relaxing his body as he did... and then the same affection that had lit up within Antirad became reciprocated by Radcen's soul.
He felt a small kiss on his neck, followed by a hand wandering up into his hair, too.
Neither of them spoke. They simply sat there, exactly like this, intertwined in both body and spirit, sometimes exchanging gentle kisses but never looking at each other's faces... that is until Radcen attempted to pull away.
Antirad didn't let go, though. He wasn't sure he wanted to see his face. He didn't know how his soul would respond to seeing it... whether or not it would pump out more of that affectionate care he didn't mean to show in the first place.
"Come onnn... you don't even have anything to hide! You're not the one with ugly, gross tear stains in your face! Why are YOU hiding?" Radcen teased with a weak chuckle.
"No, maybe not, but... ah, whatever."
Antirad loosened his hold on Radcen, allowing him to pull until they finally could see each other's faces. Radcen's was still red from crying, but he smiled now, even if it was unsteady. He was nervous, Antirad could feel it in his soul... but he was honestly more preoccupied with his own feelings.
Just as he had feared, his soul flared up once he saw him, and his hand moved on his own until it touched his cheek and cupped it in his palm.
Radcen let out a shaky breath and leaned into it, putting his hand on top. His smile grew wider as he, too, could undoubtedly sense the wave of warmth radiating from inside Antirad.
"I'm so glad you came, I really am," He whispered and placed a kiss on Antirad's palm.
Antirad huffed. "When have I ever not?"
Radcen grinned and leaned closer until their lips touched.
Antirad sighed, not even acknowledging his quickening heart rate or how good it felt or how both their souls glowed with an emotion he didn't dare put into words.
They separated and smiled at each other, resting their foreheads together, but then Radcen's content expression slowly faded again, and he sat up properly.
"Antirad—" Radcen began lifting his hand up to his sunglasses and paused. His hand began to quiver as he grabbed onto them and hesitantly pulled them off of his face, exposing his eyes.
This was the first time he'd ever seen him without them... well, except that one time when he had more eyes all over his face, but that didn't count because then Antirad had other concerns. Right now though, all he focused on was him.
His green and pink eyes were so bright, they had a faint glow to them in the dim light of the office. They were still slightly glassy and puffy from all the tears.
The nervousness in Radcen's soul had spiked up, stronger than before, and Antirad wondered why. They were unusual, yes, but in a beautiful way. They looked like the ones of extremists, except somehow even brighter.
"A-Antirad... Do you think they're pretty?"
"Yes," He whispered under his breath without another thought, watching Radcen's eyes widen a little. He looked so shocked. "You should show them off more."
Radcen stared at him with such a mix of emotion, unable to respond... and were those... more tears forming in the corners of his eyes?
Antirad's smile faded into an expression of worry as he leaned forward, hugging him again and gently wiping the new tears away with his thumb. "Should I not have said that?"
"N-No! No... I just didn't think... is that really what you think?"
Faint, familiar static buzzed around him... but it didn't enter, despite him having his mind wide open.
"Do you want to check for yourself?"
"Can I?" Radcen asked, the tears choking his voice ever so slightly.
Antirad scoffed and let his forehead fall against Radcen's. "Yes."
The buzzing infiltrated his mind, and he could feel Radcen's body melt in his arms as he found each and every one of his words to be direct reflections of his thoughts.
"I really do think they're great."
"Not strange?"
Antirad chuckled. "Well, yes, but in the best way possible."
"Hah—" Radcen smiled in positive disbelief.
"You're good, Radcen. You're..." Antirad's breath got stuck in his throat as he looked at him, his eyes gleaming in anticipation for him to finish that sentence. "Ah—You're—"
Suddenly, Radcen gasped. "You think I'm handsome! You think I look good! And hot!"
"WHAT NO I—" With a jolt, he realised that their brains were still connected and Radcen grinned at him from ear to ear as his face got hot with embarrassment.
"Dooon't worry," He giggled and snuggled closer to him again, pushing him against the backrest of the couch. "The sentiment is mutual."
"I was aware of that, actually."
Radcen scoffed. "Oh, look at you! Who is the arrogant one now!"
"I'm not being arrogant! I'm only saying that in the past... you've made it VERY clear that yo—"
"OKAY! I GET IT!!!" Radcen laughed. "I SUPPOSE I haven't been as secretive about it as you have."
"It was really not subtle."
"You're VERY subtle, and I'm VERY obvious! It's perfect! We fit so well together, we should—"
They looked at each other as Radcen broke off and awkward silence spread out between them.
"Ah, never mind that," Radcen chuckled awkwardly, but the silence continued for a while after that.
We should what? We should... date? A tingle went through his entire body, suddenly even more aware of all the spots where Radcen's touched his own.
He involuntarily pictured himself, falling asleep with Radcen beside him. Cooking in the kitchen, having him come up from behind and hug him... he could show him how to fish too. He imagined himself leading the life he now did with Radcen in Modlee's place, and it felt good... except... his heart ached for Modlee immediately. He could never replace him, even if he felt like this about someone else.
To that, his mind responded with a pretty simple answer: It pictured himself with both of them. A soft blush appeared on his cheeks when he imagined holding both of them. It was such a perfect image.
Antirad shook it off. That wouldn't work. He'd never heard of a three-way relationship, and even if that WAS a thing well... Radcen and Modlee did not like each other. At all.
He sighed and forced himself to think about something else, circling back to what they'd talked about at the beginning of the meeting.
Did Radcen figure out something else? What had made him suddenly so interested in his past? And more importantly... Why did it lead to him breaking down?
Antirad looked at the ceiling thoughtfully. Would it help him to know what happened before he came to the compass? Just to have the whole image completed? Maybe. But Antirad couldn't do it; he knew that much. He couldn't see that far; he couldn't see enough—
"Wait! I have an idea!"
Radcen flinched and sat up. "W-What?? Idea for what?"
"Seeing what happened to you before you came here!"
Radcen blinked in surprise. "What—How? I thought you couldn't..."
"I can't, no, but we might be able to."
"You mean?—"
"Yes," Antirad breathed and smiled. "We can see so much together... maybe we ca— mphh!"
Radcen apparently didn't need any further convincing, kissing him before he could even finish his sentence. Antirad pressed their chests against one another and... it was so fast. Their souls didn't need preparation. Their cores instantly exposed themselves and rushed together like magnets, merging into each other just like that had before but this time without any struggle. It was as if they'd figured out how to do it right, and in only a few seconds, they sat there; one being once again.
They took a moment to enjoy their existence, their togetherness, and oneness before getting up, still a bit unstable on their long, animalistic legs.
Anticen stumbled over to the window and stared outside.
"Do you think we should go closer to it? To the off-compass? Are you insane? That's such a long way to fly, and others might see us. You can see the extremists without being close. I think we'll be fine to try it here."
They unfolded their wings, staring out at the dark horizon, out to the north.
One deep breath later, all of their eyes opened, and the green one in between their horns lit up.
They focused all of their power on themselves. It felt incredibly wrong. All of their eyes tried to tear apart a target that they were a part of, trying to peer into their own minds beyond the regular consciousness.
"Mirror." They mumbled in their mind and turned from the window tripping over to the mirror instead. All of their eyes instantly locked onto their expression, and their skin began to crawl.
But then the image of Radcen appeared in front of their inner eye. They took in a shaky breath through their nose.
It wasn't anything new. Just Radcen sitting in that field again moments before Deadcen would find him... but this moment was more upsetting than any of the others in his past could be.
"Why? Let's not talk about it. We need to go further."
The eyes that made up their halo widened as they strained themselves as they reached the border of the compass. Their breath quickened as they tried to force themselves past it, determined to see past its confines.
Their body began to shake, and dizziness overtook them, yet their cores stayed firmly connected, both radiating with pure power.
"Come ON!"
They balled their hands into fists, fighting against the restraints, ripping all of their eyes open as far as they could... and then they broke out into muffled whimpers of pain. Their flesh tore open, and once the shock had settled, they realised exactly what was happening.
Quickly, Anticen tore their shirt off without any care without even looking away from their reflection. More eyes began to cluster on their chest and shoulders, staring at their own reflection, and through the agony and muffled cries, the wall that kept them from the off-compass became thinner and thinner. The tearing of their flesh and the movement of the optic nerves within them was thrilling. It gave them hope. Even their swelling neck did not bother them in the slightest, and when more eyes formed on their face and a big one appeared where their mouth should be, they did not even wince... because in that moment, they broke through... and when they did, everything became black.
They were only vaguely aware that they hit the floor with their wings sprawled out to either side of them, eyes still unblinking, staring at the horror they had just torn into. The in-between. It was not a place meant for ideologies to reside in, nor was it a place that wanted to be seen... and yet they stared, ready and desperate to drink it all in.
An image began to crystallise in front of them.
It was Radcen, sitting in a meadow of black grass with his back turned to a shimmery, moving wall that looked like oil. White, glitchy particles rose up from the grass, and the sky was dark without any stars; instead, faint blue clusters of lights pulsed across it. There wasn't even the slightest bit of wind.
Anticen took a deep breath even though they couldn't even feel their own body anymore. Reality did not exist in this current moment.
Radcen's head slowly rose up, and they had the distinct sense that this was the exact moment he became aware of existence because he mouthed his own name and looked down at his hands. Sunglasses already covered his eyes.
They struggled to watch it all closely as Radcen got up and made his way away from the strange, oily wall. The in-between kept shifting, and it was extremely difficult to keep track of anything within it.
It was a journey. Radcen's surroundings kept changing. He walked through a simple gate and suddenly would find himself in a ruined building rather than the simple path beyond it.
Once he reached an impossible ocean, lapping at the dark sand. He collapsed to his knees, burying his face in his hands in despair and hopelessness, and once he'd looked back up, the sea was gone, and instead, there was a thick forest.
None of it made any sense.
Anticen could feel their own mind become foggy, their sense of self being obscured. The silent confusion and terror that this place seeded into them until it sprouted and nearly suffocated them. Antirad could feel Radcen's soul destabilising rapidly, and he realised that they weren't only just having a vision but that Radcen remembered parts of it too now.
He'd asked if he wanted to stop, but he couldn't. They were in too deep... they couldn't just sever this connection they had made. So they stayed in that place mentally, watching Radcen lose himself, turning in circles and yelling at things that weren't there. Collapsing multiple times into mental breakdowns. They could feel his fear, this terror that they would never get out of here. The unknowing of why he was here and where he was supposed to be. The bargaining with the dark sky that there had to have been some kind of mistake, BEGGING it to take him back, to destroy his vessel and make his soul part of its never ending vastness again... but it never did.
The loneliness was unbearable. No one was there to see him, comfort him, or even acknowledge this horrible place or his suffering. Did it even happen? Was he and his pain even real? Was anything real if no one else was here to witness it?
They watched him grow sick and tired. Watched him hurt himself, but his wounds simply healed. Reality around him kept shifting, but eventually, he stopped reacting. He stopped resting, too. He was always walking steadily in one direction without pause.
They could feel the absolute agony in their legs, the hunger and thirst in their stomach, the undeniable, torturous exhaustion; and the complete isolation. They felt it all in their own flesh, and Antirad could hear Radcen weep within them.
With an enormous effort of determination, Antirad managed to pull himself out of the vision just enough to look at Radcen and mentally hug him.
"It's okay... I'm here... it's over, you're not there anymore."
It was all he could say before he was swept back into that awful place, but the tension inside them had been lowered ever so slightly.
They had no idea how long they watched him struggle through that land until he finally broke out of the thicket and stumbled into the compass, falling to his knees and finally, finally screaming. It was so loud and gut-wrenching, so full of both relief and agony... and as soon as he went silent, he collapsed on the lush, green grass, falling into unconsciousness.
Anticen knew the rest, and so the vision ended. Reality faded back into view. Their body was trembling violently, and it only now occurred to them that every single one of their eyes had been crying, covering them in tears.
They laid on their back, still facing the ceiling. The office was dark. Barely any time had passed at all despite them feeling as if weeks had gone by.
"Radcen... I'm... I'm so—I wish I didn't know. I'm... I'm glad I do, but... this is... I—I don't know what to say or think. Maybe there isn't anything to say. Do you want us to— No! No, please, I don't want to be alone. Please stay with me. Of course. Radcen, I won't leave you."
All of their eyes closed, and they simply stayed on the floorboards in silence, processing what they had seen and holding onto each other. Only after two hours did they finally move, sitting up with a shaking sigh, looking down at their four arms, and then hugging themselves with them as tightly as they could.
"I see your pain, Radcen. It's real, and it was real. I see you and it's okay. You're not on your own."
...
"Thank you."
They wrapped their wings around themselves, too.
"Always"
Their tail curled closer towards them as an echo of three voices combined into one.
"I love you."