Archive of Our Own ^beta

Simon rubbed a hand over his chest, his breaths fast and shallow and frantic as he stumbled into the chill night air. His mind was too full, his senses on overdrive to the point where everything was too much and nothing made any sense. It felt like his body wasn't his own, like he was an unwilling passenger watching himself stumble down the street, away from the pounding music and laughter and people.

He had been so stupid.

He had been so unbelievably stupid and blind and now John was going to kill him.

A sound not unlike a sob tore out of his throat as he fumbled for his phone. He nearly dropped it once before his grip was secure enough, and at that point he wasn't even thinking anymore but scrolled through his contacts to call the one person who he hoped wouldn't be mad at him.

The call connected on the third ring, far faster than Simon anticipated and suddenly his stomach clenched with anxiety. Maybe it had been a mistake to make the call.

“Simon? Why are you calling me so late, is everything alright?”

“I–I fucked up, Nik! Can you please come pick me up? I'm not at– at home and dad doesn't know I'm out and something's really wrong –!” Simon sucked in a sharp breath, realising he was rambling.

“Okay, Simon, calm down,” Nik hushed him, not unkindly, and he sounded infinitely more alert, “I need you to tell me what's happened – and did you say John doesn't know?”

“He– I– He told me not to go to the party and I didn't listen ‘cause I thought it was fine but it wasn't, and he's gonna be so mad and yell at me for being so stupid! Please don't tell him!” Simon's breath hitched and there was telltale pressure building behind his eyes. This was stupid. He was stupid; he shouldn't act like a child and cry on top of that. He had no one to blame but himself. His voice cracked when he continued, “Can you please come get me? I'm–I'm scared.”

"Okay, okay. Take a deep breath, Simon. I am on my way. Can you turn the location on on your phone please?"

“But dad'll see! He'll get a notification that I'm out of the house!" Simon shook his head sharply, though he regretted it the moment the world blurred in his eyes and he listed dangerously off to the side. A startled noise slipped past his lips and he could only pray Nik didn't hear it as he braced his free hand against the brick wall next to him.

"Can you tell me where you are, then?"

"I... I–I don't know!" Simon's chest tightened painfully as he lifted his head and saw all the rundown, dilapidated looking buildings surrounding him. Why couldn't he recall seeing them on the way to the party? Why hadn’t he paid any attention, or at least asked for the address?

"Okay, don't fret. We will figure this out." Nik paused, and Simon could hear the sound of a car door in the background. “Simon, can you find somewhere well lit, perhaps a shop? Then send me the address of the party you went to, and a picture of the shop, okay? Can you do that?"

“Y–yeah, I can do that.” Simon said, far from confident as he tried to figure out where he should go –or if he could even make his legs carry him far enough to find a safe spot. He let his eyes slip shut briefly, but it only made him feel dizzier and drew another whimper from him. “Nik? I don’t– I don’t feel good. I think there was something in the drink they gave me.” 

“Bozhe moi,” Nik swore, but he sounded more worried than angry which was the only reason Simon didn’t break into tears right there and then. He already knew he had fucked up and he didn’t think he could take it if Nik shouted at him on top of everything. “Okay, how’s your phone battery? Will you have enough to send me the photo if I stay on the call?”

“Uh, um…” It took Simon’s panicked brain moment to realise he needed to pull the phone from his ear to check the battery, but fortunately it turned out to have a good amount of life left in it. His shoulders sagged with relief. “Yeah, it’s got just under half left.” 

The dilapidated buildings around him slowly began to look more and more cared for the further he got from the warehouse the party was being held at. The traffic in the area was nonexistent though, which meant he had to be a fair distance away from any populated areas still. Simon had never been afraid of walking alone after dark, but now he was constantly looking around, terrified he would see someone emerge from one of the darkened alleys that seemed to surround him. He desperately hoped no one from the party had noticed him slip away yet – or that they at least weren’t interested enough to follow him. 

“I can’t see any shops,” he admitted after a moment and the band around his lungs continued to tighten until he felt like he couldn’t breathe. What if he was hopelessly lost and Nik wouldn’t be able to find him? “The, uh, the streetlights are working better here though.”

"Okay, that's good. Stay in the good streetlights, then. Can you see anything that stands out?”

Simon tried to look around – he didn’t want to disappoint Nik and he really didn’t want to stay in the area any longer than he had to – but there was nothing but boarded up windows and abandoned buildings. 

But there was a faded sign on one of the buildings, the letters just barely legible. “There’s a, um, some old auto repair shop? It’s all boarded up but the thing above the door says Roy’s Auto Repair. Does that help?” 

He really hoped it did.

"Da, it should. I will go onto speaker now, Simon, but I'm not leaving you, okay? Can you send me a photo of the tire place?"

Simon nodded, only belatedly realising that Nik couldn’t see it. Somehow that made him feel even worse, crushed by the guilt. He was so stupid. Dad was going to be so disappointed in him, angry too, and he deserved it. 

“Yeah, give me a moment,” Simon murmured. He was mortified to find tears in his eyes when he went to snap a picture of the building, forced to wipe them to clear his blurry vision. His voice wavered when he returned the phone to his ear. “Did you get it?” 

“It’s just loading,” Nik told him, followed by a pause that made Simon’s heart sink with worry, and more involuntary tears welled in his eyes. “There, got it. Looking at the map now.” 

Simon wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, sniffling softly.

“Okay, found it. Simon, I am on my way but I need you to answer my questions now, okay?” Nik’s voice was firmer now, worried with a sense of urgency, and Simon suppressed a whimper. Nik must have heard it because his tone was softer when he continued, “You won’t be in any trouble for anything you tell me, alright? It’s very important you tell me the truth now, da?”

Simon’s heart plummeted at the words, his breath stuttering as though he forgot how to breathe, but he knew Nik deserved answers for dropping whatever plans he had had to come for him. 

That knowledge didn’t change the fact that his voice wavered when he managed to choke out a simple, “Okay.” 

"You said these...friends... gave you a drink?"

“Y–yeah,” Simon replied, suddenly feeling nauseous. Hearing those words from Nik made it feel more real, more serious. He never should have accepted the drink. “I swear I thought it was okay! They–they told me it was just a fizzy drink!” 

“Okay, that’s okay. You’re not in any trouble, Simon. What did the drink look like? Taste like?”

“I don’t know, it was blue I think? It… It tasted really bad, like, bitter,” Simon told him, trying his hardest to recall the details when his mind was growing fuzzier by the moment, the memories slipping right through his grasp. He had to lean against the door of the shop when the surrounding world seemed to follow its lead, tears freely flowing down his face. “I didn’t want to finish it, but they kept telling me how they’d brought it just for me an’ it would be rude if I didn't and I didn’t want to make them mad!”

“Bitter, hmm… Was it a big drink? Like your dad’s pint glasses?”

“It was smaller, maybe half as big?” Simon scrunched up his nose in thought. “I– I felt fine at first, but then I started feeling really weird, kind of fuzzy like my head was under water? The music felt loud, like deafeningly loud, but also muffled and I couldn’t make any sense of it.”

“Okay. Are you moving okay? Are you finding it hard to walk and speak at all?” The questions came so fast that Simon had a hard time processing them, but then Nik was already continuing, “And Simon – again, this is very important so I need the truth – did they give you anything else apart from that drink? Any other drink? Smoke anything? Any pills? An injection? Did–”

Nik took in a deep breath Simon could hear from his end of the call. “Did you taste or sniff any kind of powder or something like that?”

“‘s getting harder to think,” Simon admitted, and it felt like he was letting Nik down. It was already hard for him to remember all the questions Nik had asked, but he tried his best to answer. “And… everything’s starting to feel all heavy. But I didn’t do any of the other stuff, I promise – I don’t wanna be like my father. I really thought it was just a fizzy drink!” 

He fought back a sob at the images the mention of the man brought up and a moment later he was sliding down the door until he was sitting on the ground with his knees pressed to his chest. He didn’t want to become anything like his father. “‘m sorry, I didn’t mean to be a bother. You were probably havin’ a nice night, too, before I called you.” 

There was a faint sound of laughter coming from somewhere down the street.

“Hey, no, Simon. This–This is no bother, okay? I’m really glad you called me. I was having a boring old fart night, and now I get to hang out with you instead, da? Well, once I get to you, at least. I’m about –” Nik trailed off for a moment, “About five minutes away, okay? I’m almost there.” 

Simon’s lips twitched into the briefest smile, because while he didn’t know where he was, he was fairly sure Nik had to have broken at least a few traffic rules to get that close in such a short time. 

He really liked Nik. It had taken them – him – a while to come around after John had first introduced them with Simon’s trust issues and all that, but Nik had never been anything but nice to him. He had never snapped at him, even when Simon had pushed his boundaries time and time again in some utterly stupid attempt at ensuring Nik was safe – that he wasn’t anything like Simon’s father. 

“Hey, Simon?” Nik’s voice shook him out of his thoughts, making him realise he had zoned out. That probably wasn’t a good sign. “Is there anyone else on the street you can see?”

The thought of raising his head to look around sounded exhausting but somehow he managed it, letting his head tip back against the door. The streetlights felt blindingly bright, but he resisted the temptation to close his eyes.

“Can’t see anyone,” he replied with a sigh. The laughter he heard earlier was coming closer though, and Simon wondered if he should be worried about it. “Can hear people, though. Laughing.”

“There’s people laughing?” Nik asked, and there was something off about his voice. “Can you tell me if you know them? Or how many there are?” 

Simon tried to focus on the laughter, on the different voices, he really did, but his focus was slipping. He thought he might have heard the name Caleb pop up in the middle of the otherwise incoherent mush, and he didn’t think that was a good thing. That was the name of the so-called leader of the friend group he had been with.

“Think so,” he told Nik, but it was hard to find the words to explain all that to him. “Don’ know how many.”

"Okay, Simon. I'm almost there, I promise. I want you to keep talking to me now, da. Whatever you do, if those people get close, you make it obvious you are on the phone with someone, yes? You can pretend like it's your dad, or the police, da? Just keep talking for me."

Simon hummed, his eyes slipping shut. “You’d make a good dad, you know? Like da– like John. You’re always nice to me an’... an’ I know I’m not the easiest kid. I feel really guilty about some of the stuff I did when we first met, too, but I really like you. I–I wouldn’t mind it if you were around more. Don’ think dad would, either.” 

“That’s really nice of you to say, Simon,” Nik replied after a moment, right when Simon began to worry he had said the wrong thing. “Keep talking.”  

A whine formed in Simon’s throat. “‘m tired, Nik. I wanna go home…” 

He could hear the voices more clearly now, and they definitely belonged to his friends – not friends – former friends? – and he felt like he should have been scared. Instead he just felt heavy. 

“Where?” He wanted to know how far Nik was, but the words eluded him when the sound of footsteps broke his already wavering focus. 

“Hey, would you look at that! Told you he couldn’t have made it far!” Caleb laughed, and moments later a shadow fell over Simon, blocking the light across the street. Another whine slipped past Simon’s lips because Nik had told him to stay in a well-lit area while he waited for him. He was too weak to move.

“Simon, try to stay awake for me, okay? I’m just around the corner now, stay awake!”

“Nik?” Simon mumbled at the sound of Nik’s voice, but then the phone was taken from him and he could hear the crunch of it breaking under someone’s shoe. Dad was going to be furious that Simon broke his phone on top of everything. It had been so expensive. 

“Why did you leave us, Si?” Caleb asked. Simon didn’t like the way he sounded amused. It was wrong. “I thought we were having a good time.” 

Simon shook his head. “N–no.” 

“God, he’s drugged out of his mind,” another voice laughed, but Simon couldn’t remember the name of the person. Why was it so hard to remember? 

Caleb patted his cheek roughly. “We better get him somewhere quieter before someone comes looking for him.” 

Simon made a panicked sound in the back of his throat, still shaking his head when hands slid under his arms to pull him up. He didn’t want to go with them – Nik had told him to stay there, in the light where he would be safer. “N–no, lemme go!”

He was too weak, his limbs unresponsive, and there was nothing he could do as they carried him away. It almost felt like he was floating, yet his body was too heavy. Caleb and the others continued to joke and laugh, and a part of Simon wondered if they had always sounded so mean – if he had been too blind to notice when presented with the opportunity to make friends, be a part of a group, for the first time in his life. 

Eventually they came to a stop, and Simon was pinned against a cool brick wall. There was a hand in his hair, and one pair on each side of him, holding him firmly to the wall by the arms, but it was the warm breath against his face that made him flinch and brought a sprinkle of clarity with it. 

“No,” he pleaded, but his voice was just as weak as the rest of him, and the grip in his hair became painfully tight when he tried to squirm away from all the hands.

“Don’t worry, Si, we’ll make this good for you,” Caleb told him, and the words were followed by the brush of lips against his ear. Simon whimpered, but he couldn’t find the words to tell him to stop, that he didn’t want this. He felt paralysed. Helpless.

A hand pressed against his chest and suddenly there was wet heat against his neck – wet heat that he faintly realised was someone kissing him. No amount of writhing got him free, there were too many hands on him, too many touches, and tears were streaming down his face once more. He didn’t want this – he wanted them to stop. 

Where was Nik? 

“Caleb,” Simon whimpered, a panicked edge to it when he felt Caleb’s teeth on his skin, a fleeting pain soon replaced by another wet kiss. “Please–” 

“Shut up, Si. Fun’s just about to begin.” 

Caleb’s hand felt too hot against his bare chest – what had happened to his shirt? – and Simon made a strangled noise in his throat when it began to wander down, all the way down to the fastener on his jeans. He wanted to scream, but suddenly the air around them felt too thin and there was nothing in his lungs. 

“Boys,” a new but familiar voice drawled, and a sob tore free from Simon’s throat when it made the boys stop in their tracks. “I think Simon’s had enough fun for one night. Move away from him.” 

“Nik!” Simon cried out, his voice wavering with fear. He had no strength left to fight, but the relief was palpable because Nik was there. 

“Fuck, he’s got a knife!” One of the boys let go of him then, causing him to slump further down the wall. “You can have him – I’m outta here! Caleb, let’s go!” 

“This isn’t over, Riley,” Caleb hissed and shoved him harshly against the wall before he, too, let go of him and fled – the last of the trio right behind him. 

The world twisted nauseatingly as the hard concrete rushed up to meet him, and a pained gasp left his lips. He thought he could hear the boys run away, the sound growing fainter by the second, but the ground was cold beneath him and he wanted Nik. 

“Simon!” Nik’s voice was breathy and warm hands cupped his face, and all Simon could do was blink blearily at him. Everything felt so heavy. “Hey, Simon, it’s me, it’s Nik. I’m here. Are you hurt?” 

“Nik.” The tears began to fall harder again, but not from fear. Nik was there – he had actually found him. Simon’s voice wasn’t much more than a whimper, though, and he desperately wished he could bury himself in Nik’s arms. “You came.” 

“Of course I came,” Nik replied softly, like there was no question about it, and wiped Simon’s tears with his thumb. “I said I would, didn’t I?” 

Simon tried to smile at him, but he wasn’t entirely sure he succeeded. The warm hands on his face made him realise how cold he was with his shirt no longer there to protect him, though it had been too thin for the weather to begin with. His bottom lip wobbled. “They took my phone an’– an’ my shirt’s all bad now. ‘m sorry.”

“None of that now, it’s okay,” Nik soothed him, wiping away Simon’s tears as they fell. “Are you hurt?” 

Simon blinked, slow to process the question, and a whine formed in his throat when he didn’t know. It wasn’t supposed to be a difficult question to answer, but his focus was shattered and he could barely feel anything else but the guilt and the fear and the heavy tiredness in his bones. He tried to open his mouth to apologise, but then Nik’s hand was gone from his face which sent a spark of fear through him. 

“–ey, can you sit forward a little bit? Let’s get you wrapped up, and if you’re not hurt, we can go back to the car, get you nice and warm, da?” 

Simon could only stare at Nik for a moment, his heartbeat thundering in his chest until it sank in that Nik had only drawn his hand away to take off his leather jacket – which he was now offering to him. His limbs were heavy and it felt impossible to move, but he somehow managed to lean forward as instructed when Nik’s expression twisted with worry. 

The lack of support on his back caused him to sway in place, an aborted sound slipping past his lips, but Nik didn’t let him fall as he guided his arms into the sleeves. Simon had never felt so dizzy before, not even when he had been concussed. The jacket was warm, though, and smelled of Nik, and Simon pressed his face into the collar with a pitiful whine when Nik zipped it up to keep the warmth from escaping. A part of him thought he didn’t deserve the kindness after everything, but he selfishly didn’t want it to end. 

“Can we go?” he asked when Nik leaned back a bit, satisfied that the jacket was secure around his much smaller frame. “I don’t wanna be here.”

“We can go,” Nik confirmed softly, and after a moment wrapped his arms under Simon’s arms and around his chest to lift him to his feet. “We can go now.” 

Simon drew in a sharp breath, the change in position worsening his dizziness, and he was quick to latch onto Nik with his arms wrapped around his middle and his face pressed against his shirt to avoid seeing the world twist and tilt around him. He didn’t want to fall. 

“‘s spinny,” he mumbled in a quiet explanation.

Nik chuckled softly, taking his weight easily even as he shifted his arms around. “I’m going to carry you, which means putting my hands under your legs. Is that okay?”

Simon nodded wordlessly but still refused to let go. He didn’t understand why Nik felt the need to ask him that – it was clear even to Simon’s cotton-filled brain that he wouldn’t be able to walk, and he knew Nik would never hurt him. “I trust you.”

Despite his promise, a tiny whimper escaped him the moment his feet were no longer touching the ground, the dizziness making it feel like he was going to fall, but Nik’s arms around him were secure and Simon was quick to melt against him with one of his hands clutching his shirt as tightly as he could. 

“Okay,” Nik said when he slowly began to walk, “We’ll get you into the car, and back home, yes? You’re safe now.” 

Simon believed him – Nik had never done anything to betray his trust – and he knew the boys wouldn’t be able to hurt him with him there, but he was still scared to go home. He wasn’t sure where the fear came from, but it was impossible to shake. He knew he had been bad, he had intentionally defied John and he had never done anything like that before, not with a big thing like this.

“I don’t want dad to throw me out,” he admitted with a sniffle, and he tried his hardest to blink away the tears. “What if– Why can I never be good, Nik? I just– I don’t wanna leave, I’m sorry!”

“John isn’t going to throw you out, Simon,” Nik huffed, but his voice was gentle. “And you are not bad, okay? People aren’t just good or bad, da? Even good people make mistakes sometimes, and sometimes bad people do good things. You are a good kid who just made a little mistake, that’s all. And making mistakes is part of growing up.”

Simon wiped his tears with his other hand. He didn’t understand how Nik could be so sure that he was good – it seemed like everything he did turned out bad in one way or another. His father had always told him that he was the reason their lives were hell, that he was a mistake that made a mess of everything. 

“I promise you, Simon, John won’t throw you out. Not for this, and not ever,” Nik told him. “You are his world. I will take you back home and I will talk to him, okay? He might be angry, but that’s only because he’ll be scared for your wellbeing. He doesn't want you getting hurt. But it will be okay, and even if he’s a little bit angry, he will calm down, and he won’t throw you out. “

Simon tried to remind himself that Nik had never lied to him about anything, but it was hard to believe what he was saying when he was so scared. He didn’t want to lose John – or Nik. He had already lost too much, and he would hate himself forever if he lost them because he was stupid and bad. 

He reluctantly let go of Nik when they arrived at the car and the passenger door was tugged open, burrowing into the seat with another pathetic sniffle. “‘m sorry if you’ll get in trouble because of me. I promise I’ll tell dad not to be mad at you.” 

“Don’t worry about me, Simon,” Nik reassured him, wiping tears from Simon’s cheek gently before clipping the seatbelt around him. “Neither of us will be in trouble, okay? I promise you, John will just be glad to have you home safe and sound.” 

Simon didn’t know how to respond, and it turned out he didn’t have to, because then Nik shut the door, walking his way around the car to get to the driver’s side. He felt awful for getting Nik mixed up in this mess, but at the same time he was just so glad that he had come for him without hesitation, without shouting at him for his stupid decisions. Simon gently pulled his legs onto the seat with a heavy sigh, tucking them under his body.

“Okay,” Nik said once he was seated and had his own seat belt in place, fiddling with the satnav. “Now then, are you still cold?” 

“A little,” Simon admitted, quietly watching him work. He wasn’t sure if he was actually cold, or if it was the tiredness or the ghost of Caleb’s lips– Another pitiful sound cut that train of thought right off and Simon sniffled. He didn’t want to think about that, about Caleb or the others ever again. He willed the tears to stop, hastily wiping them away until he no longer had the energy to continue. He just wanted to sleep and forget any of this ever happened.

“I really thought they were gonna be different,” he said after a moment, quiet and defeated. “They were nice to me. I guess I’m just really stupid, huh?” 

Maybe he was doomed to go through life without any friends. Everyone at school only seemed to see him as a freak – and that had only gotten worse since someone from his class stumbled upon news articles about his family, about his abusive addict parents and his murderer of a father. It had only taken a week for the whole school to hear about it, and suddenly Simon had gone from the weird kid to a freak, an outcast that no one wanted to speak to, much less hang out with. 

It had been stupid to think Caleb and the others would be any different. He never learned. 

He didn’t know how he was going to be able to go to school on Monday, knowing Caleb and the others would be there. The thought alone was enough to make him feel sick. 

“You’re not stupid, Simon.” Nik said as the air conditioning began to whir louder and blow more air inside. He leaned across to the glove box, pulling out tissues for Simon. “You’re young – you live and learn, hmm?”

Did he? This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened, but somehow Simon always ended up in this situation time and time again. Someone smarter would have learned from the first time, but Simon clearly hadn't. 

“You know, I did the same thing once, too. I knew people who I thought were my friends who hurt me. But I got through it – without being thrown out by my parents, by the way – and now I know how to read people better,” Nik told him, and all Simon could do was look at him with wide, pleading eyes. He made it sound so simple.

Nik gave him a small smile as he put the car into gear to pull back onto the road. “A stupid person wouldn’t have gotten themselves away from them and called for help, either, but you did. And you helped me figure out where you were, too.”  

“I just wish I could be more like you, or dad – or Johnny or Gaz or anyone,” Simon said, his voice watery as he looked down at the tissues in his hands. If he was more like them, he didn’t think he would have gotten into that situation in the first place. They were smart and strong, and they knew how to defend themselves and fight when needed. 

They had each other, too, their own little team that sometimes acted more like a family, and Simon wished he could have something like that as well. Nik wasn’t a part of his dad’s team, but he might as well have been – they worked together on a lot of missions, but they also hung out outside of work whenever they were in the same area. Sure, they included Simon in their activities, but it wasn’t the same thing. He was just a kid, John’s kid, and he doubted they would have him around if it wasn’t for that. He didn’t have anyone like them his own age, no one that he could hang out and have fun with. 

“I’m just all alone.”

It sometimes made it hard not to think about all the things his father had told him, about how he was worthless and good for nothing, a waste of space, and there were times when Simon couldn’t help but wonder if he had been right about him all along.

“It might feel like that now,” Nik told him gently, rousing Simon from his thoughts, and there was a short pause before he continued, “But you will find people, in time. You’ll find people who understand you. It probably seems scary to you, but regardless, you’re better off alone than with shitty assholes for friends until the right people come along.” 

Simon shrugged weakly. Maybe Nik was right, but he didn't have the capacity to process any of it now. “I’m really tired, Nik.”

“You can sleep if you want, we’re still a good twenty minutes from your home. I’ll wake you when we get there.” 

Simon nodded silently before taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. Even if what Nik said about friends was true, it meant he would continue to be alone for now at least – and he was just so tired of being the outcast. He didn’t want to be alone, especially not for years to come.

He tried to shift into a more comfortable position, but it was difficult on the hard seat with the seatbelt restricting his movement, so in the end he gave up and slumped down, leaning his forehead against the window. His head was beginning to hurt, and he wasn’t sure if it was because of whatever had been in his drink or all the crying, but the coolness of the glass felt soothing. 

He was asleep within moments. 

Simon groaned, shifting his head with his face drawn into a frown. His body didn’t feel right, he felt both too cold and too hot and his head hurt enough to make him feel nauseous. He didn’t know what tugged him away from the safety of sleep, but he wanted it gone so that he could sink back into that comforting darkness where the pain couldn’t follow him. 

Then he felt something – someone? – touch him, give him a small shake, and it drew a whimper from him. He didn’t want it. He had told Caleb to stop, hadn’t he? Why wasn’t he listening? 

Simon was uncoordinated, his limbs heavy and leaden, but he tried to lift his hand to swat him away. He didn’t think he hit anything – he wasn’t sure he had managed to lift his hand up in the first place – and it set his anxiety off again. He could still feel the lips on his skin, on his neck, the hand wandering lower on his body. 

He wanted it to stop. 

“No,” he pleaded, shaking his head. 

“Simon, it’s okay. It’s me and Nik,” a voice said, and Simon’s breath hitched when he recognised it as John’s. He turned his head towards it and his eyes fluttered open, only to fall shut when the lights in the room pierced right through his skull. “It’s okay. You’re at home, you’re safe.”

“Dad?” he asked, his voice wavering. “I–I’m sorry, dad. I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay, Simon,” John soothed him, but the way his voice broke at the words, too, made Simon’s anxiety surge. “You don’t– You don’t need to apologise, okay? I’m just so glad you’re safe.” 

Simon’s lip wobbled, promising more tears. He did need to apologise, for so many things. It shattered something in him to hear John like that, to hear him so worried. He should have shouted at Simon instead, scold him for his idiocy like he deserved.

The lights in the room seemed to dim after a moment, and when Simon tried to open his eyes again, it didn’t hurt. The ceiling light had been turned off – the sight of which made him realise he was lying on the living room couch, though he had no memory of how he had ended up there – but the lights from the kitchen were enough to illuminate his dad’s figure and the concerned frown on his face. He didn’t look angry, and Simon wanted to hug him. His limbs felt heavy though, like they would sink into the couch at any moment.

“I was so scared,” he said, whisper soft, struggling to find the words to explain. “I thought– please don’ be mad at Nik. He just –” 

Simon cut himself off with a frantic breath, his eyes darting around in search for the man. “Where’s Nik? You said he was here. Dad…”

His chest tightened again and he was spiralling again, trying to weakly push himself up but lacking the strength and coordination to succeed. It made his dizziness worse, and a moment later dad pressed a hand gently over his chest to keep him down. 

Where was Nik? Had he left? What if dad had gotten mad and thrown him out, their relationship forever ruined because Simon was a stupid, no-good brat? 

“I’m sorry, it was all my fault! Please don’t throw him out, I don’t want him to go!” 

“Hey, hey, Simon, relax! It’s alright,” John told him, the concern in his voice growing with each word he uttered. His other hand moved to cup Simon’s face gently, coaxing him to look over his shoulder. “He’s right there, see? Just went to switch over the light for you.” 

Simon shifted his gaze to the figure he saw come up behind John, and it was Nik – one hand lifted in an awkward wave, just like he had done when John had first introduced them. 

“Still here, Simon,” Nik said, smiling as he settled down by John’s side, right next to the couch. “I told you neither of us would be in trouble, didn’t I? How are you feeling?” 

Simon felt the first tears spill over, but this time they were entirely from relief. He managed to untangle one hand from the depths of the blankets he seemed to be buried under to reach out towards them in a silent plea.

“‘s all heavy and fuzzy,” he answered truthfully, “My head hurts.” 

Nik hummed and made eye contact with John. “It will fade once the drug wears off. You’re okay.” 

The drug.

The sound that escaped Simon wasn’t far from a sob, and he shook his head. “I didn’t–I promise I didn’t– They made me–” 

“I know, Si, I know.” Dad shushed him gently, brushing his thumb across his cheek to wipe away his tears. “Nik told me everything, I know you didn’t intentionally take anything. It’s okay.” 

“I thought it was gonna be different this time.” Simon screwed his eyes shut as more sobs clawed their way out of him, his whole body shaking from the force of them. “‘M really sorry.”

“I know, kiddo, it’s okay.” John moved his hand to instead run it through his hair. “We can talk about this later, when you’ve gotten some rest.”

“John is right,” Nik told him, placing a hand over his knee to give it a comforting squeeze. Simon’s lips wobbled, but some of the tension began to leave him now that he could see John wasn’t actually mad at him, and he slowly opened his eyes to look at them. “You’ll feel better after you’ve slept a little more.”

John shifted at the words, reaching for a glass of water set on the table next to them. “First, though, do you feel up to drinking a bit of water? Might help a little.” 

Simon moved his gaze from Nik to John, and from him to the glass of water, but he kept in the whine that threatened to escape. He didn’t want to drink anything; his whole body already felt off and he really didn’t want to be sick, but he felt like he owed it to John after everything – and if John said it could help, then Simon believed him. 

“Okay.” He nodded, and let him and Nik help him sit up long enough to take a few careful sips from the glass, but then he was buried back under the mountain of blankets that had been piled on top of him at some point, his pillow fluffed underneath his head. Simon wasn’t sure he deserved all that, and his gaze flicked between John and Nik uneasily when silence fell over them. 

“Do you still have to go to work, dad?” he finally asked, averting his eyes the moment the words left his mouth. He knew his dad’s job was important – Nik’s too – but the thought of being left alone terrified him, even though he realistically knew he was safe at home. At least he hoped so – he wasn’t sure if Caleb knew his address. 

John looked taken aback, his eyes widening. 

“Don’t–Don’t be ridiculous, Simon, I–” he stammered before pausing to take a deep breath. “I think the SAS can survive without me for a day or two. I think I need to be here more right now.” 

“I will call Laswell,” Nik said with a smile. “There’s nothing my team needs to do that can’t wait.” 

His next words were in Russian and even though Simon was getting better at the language day by day, he was far too tired to understand a word he said. John did, though, if his laugh was any indication. 

“You’re alright with that, aren’t you? With Nik staying?” John looked at Simon, a soft smile on his lips. 

Simon felt like crying again and he couldn’t describe the feeling that settled over him at the promise of his dad staying with him. He wished John had always been his dad. He gave John a shaky smile and extended his hand out to him in a silent request, craving the warmth and safety that came with physical affection from him. 

“I told Nik he should stay with us more often,” he admitted absently when John returned the hug, melting into it. “I like him.”

John chuckled at the words. “Is that right? I suppose next you’ll be telling me I need to buy an actual bed for the guest room for him, rather than him sleeping on the couch, eh?” 

“It’s really cute that you still think Simon doesn’t hear me sneak into your room every time,” Nik huffed before Simon could get a word out.

“Nik!” 

Simon couldn’t help but laugh at the scandalised tone, mostly because he had thought John already knew about that.

“What?” Nik grinned, shifting to look at Simon. “You’ve only caught me in the act, what, eight times now? And every time I tried to pretend it was a trip to the bathroom, I’ve been politely told I’m headed to the wrong door before he’s scampered back off to bed.” 

John let out a choked laugh, drawing back from the hug enough to look at them both in disbelief. 

The easy banter helped chase away the remnants of Simon’s fears, and he smiled. “You always worry when you have to leave for a mission, but if Nik was around more, you wouldn’t need to.” 

Realistically he knew it wasn’t that simple, but to his tired, drugged-out brain it sounded like it. John huffed softly, warmly, as he adjusted the blankets around him, and Simon let out a pleased hum. It seemed like the little energy the surge of anxiety and fear had given him was rapidly fading, leaving him teetering on the edge of sleep. If he had been more coherent, he would have been absolutely mortified by all the mushy talk, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about it.

“You like each other an’ I like Nik too. Makes me feel safe, like you,” he said, and he was hardly awake enough to know what he was saying, his voice tapering off in a tired yawn. “Think he likes me, too.” 

He thought he felt dad’s hold on him tighten a fraction, but his awareness faded moments later as sleep claimed him.