Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was an accident.
Her body tensed up, her eyes widened. She put the blade aside and panicked, not knowing what to do at first. Just a few minutes ago, a curious idea intruded itself into her brain. With an ending of her scissors, she carefully unscrew the blade from a shiny sharpener. Maybe it was curiosity, maybe it was just an internal desire to have it for herself. Perhaps the shine of the blade was what drew her to it so intensely? It looked good under the current moonlight, almost aesthetic.

A voice, quieter than a whisper, louder than a thought, told her to do it. She pressed it delicately, breaking in a few lines on her otherwise flawless skin. At first, those three were white. She's done it a million times with a blunt boxcutter before, she knew how it went. The lines would turn red, then disappear before she blinked, always only showing themselves to be admired for a few seconds before being gone seemingly forever. They never dared break the skin.

Her body tensed up, her forearm welcomed the unfamiliar sensation. The white lines didn't stay white, they turned an unfamiliar red, a red that stayed for a while longer. Surprise was not enough to describe what she felt when a small drop of blood escaped her body. Her previously unassuming eyes filled with shock. She couldn't help but stare. That blade had done real damage when it wasn't supposed to. It was just curiosity, was the first explanation rushing to join her train of thought. Yet one hadn't left the station, desire. 'I deserve to bleed'. She didn't wish for this, not this time at least.

It used to be her usual 'ritual'. She always included it in a routine she never realized she followed. Her hand reached for the blunt boxcutter from the nightstand beside her bed, no rational thought formed before what you could barely call a blade slid gracefully around her forearm. She could feel it like a scratch, all over her forearms. She never counted, she never needed to. They turned the usual red, it never hurt. They left her skin without the impact, without a need of a thought telling her to stop. Because why stop if she isn't really hurting herself? Does it only count for the ten minutes they're visible?
It wasn't like usual. The red wasn't the usual red, her worries hadn't melted, and her mind was too stunned to do anything. The sensation of pain completely overwhelmed her. Such a basic feeling, pain. Seems like It can be avoided so easily, too easily. how didn't she feel it break her skin? Was the blade of a sharpener really that sharp? It hurt only now. It was an accident, but she wished it wasn't, because now she did it almost without a reason. Waste of blood.
She covered her forearm with another hand, then made up her mind to fix this unfortunate event. A rush of thoughts formed on her way to the bathroom, and she welcomed them. 'Just how beautiful was the shade of red' 'It feels a little worse than a papercut' 'I hope I won't have to explain this'. Despite what she thought, the water falling on the fresh cuts didn't make them sting. Which was unfortunate, she wanted to feel them again. It was unpleasant, but it was her first time breaking skin, even if on accident.
Excitement rushed right after panic. Will she have to hide it now? There are band-aids in the kitchen, she could use them. That part was exciting, because what if somebody noticed? She never wants them to notice, she never wants them to feel empathy for her, but she wants them to know SO badly. She wants them to notice, she wants them to feel bad for her. But does she really? She doesn't know, she does care but not enough to dwell on it much longer.

Careful not to wake anyone up, she sneaked downstairs. With every step of the way, her thoughts battled like a raging storm, on one side feeling fear, on the other something similar to excitement. maybe anticipation. She reached for the band-aids in one of the kitchen's drawers. The first one had a purple print of a silly character from a cartoon she didn't know the name of, yet she recalled Alphys talking about it. Maybe it was her idea to buy those band-aids? She often shopped with Frisk's mother, Toriel. Since she found out Alphy survived on hopes, dreams, and instant ramen, she made it her job to teach her to buy proper groceries for herself. It followed with cooking lessons until the lizard could make her own homemade ramen. The thought of them picking out that cute band-aid was rather amusing, maybe a little sad picturing the current situation.

She peeled the paper off of it, and then, her fingers carefully stuck it on her skin in a way that covered two cuts at once. It still wasn't enough, so she reached for another one. This time, it was a regular band-aid of a singular print with a cute picture of a dog. She stuck that one on the other cut, the last one she made. On accident, of course. She went to the trashcan under the sink and threw the residue paper of the band-aids. Paranoia crept in, so the idea of covering the residue with paper towels inside the trash seemed ideal. She did so, then carefully sneaked back to her room and to her bed.

The shining light of the moon tucked her into uneasy sleep that night, the burden of her action still hasn't fallen on her shoulders, but maybe that could wait until tomorrow.

Chapter Text

She missed the moon. Now, sunshine came into her room and put a burden of her action on her mind. The shine was unbearable, it was probably the only thing that could make her wake up, the last two alarms put on snooze proved that theory right. She closed the curtains in her room, yet the delicate material they were made of let the light enter the room either way.

Day by day, it was harder to wake up. No particular reason came to her mind for why that was, so all she could do was deal with it. Sometimes she wished she had never broken the barrier, because then she could live in the darkness forever. Yet one thing was true that kept her from truly regretting it, she would miss the moon.

The morning played like a song put on repeat. The steps felt the same because they were the same. The lyrics changed every morning, but the melody stayed. The choice between a neat hoodie and a comfortable one, the contemplating if she could go one day more without washing her hair or not, the wondering if it would be easier to find things in her room if she finally cleaned it, and just the usual. Yet this time, when she reached her hand into the nightstand, her movements froze as if she looked at Medusa's snakes. Her hoodie rolled up so slightly, and she eyed the silly band-aids covering her arms. She wasn't used to it, she wasn't used to the fact it was still there.

The red was unusual, unfamiliar. Nothing was permanent in life, but those cuts might stick around for a while longer. She slowly put her hand back and carried on. She wasn't used to... this. To waking up and them still being there. They weren't just the usual red lines, they wouldn't disappear in ten short minutes. Time wasn't relevant here, at least not for a longer while. It wasn't self-injury if it wasn't on purpose, a whisper told her that one night. She never doubted it.

The song stopped, and now she had to put on a new melody with new lyrics. At that moment, it felt as if the band-aids weren't there, as if the time stopped at the time blood dripped from a fresh line. With a blink of an eye, the purple hues decorated her forearm once again, she had to move on. It was yesterday, let's not burden ourselves with it right? That seemed like an explanation.

She went to the kitchen, her steps light. Toriel sat by the dining room table and greeted her child with a smile. "Slept well, Frisk?" she asked whilst sipping on some beverage. So, naturally, Frisk smiled too and responded with something like 'Could be better, but oh well!' and 'How about you?' she didn't quite remember how she phrased it, but something like that. "I've slept well, thank you for asking" Toriel responded warmly to whatever Frisk said. Ending the conversation, she entered the kitchen, where Sans had been sitting on the counter, eating cereal.

"Morning kid," he said and ate another spoonful. She gave him the same smile she gave to Toriel and asked something, but deep inside, she wasn't even sure what she said just now. She could feel the words slipping on her tongue, forming a real sentence, but she wasn't entirely *there* when it happened. Instead, her mind explored the possibility of someone finding out about what happened that night. She thought of the possibility of someone asking, she wouldn't be sure what to say and then it would just slip. So, she'd say something more like 'Oh why do I have those band-aids? It's just a little accident from yesterday, no biggie' or something. It was perfect maybe. Or she could just say it's nothing in another million ways. No one had to find out, even if she wouldn't mind if someone did find out, so far it would be better to be a secret. It wasn't bad enough to ask for help. It wasn't even self-injury, even if it lasted more than ten minutes now. Especially when it was an accident.

Before her mind fully registered it, she was holding a knife.

She smeared her toast with butter and realized too late that Sans had asked her a question. "Sorry, can you repeat yourself?" she asked apologetically. The skeleton's grin tightened slightly, he chuckled shortly and asked again, "Aren't ya late for school? We all heard the alarms you snooze from our rooms". Frisk looked around herself and quickly composed her expression "It's a weekend, I just forgot to turn off the alarms. You would know that if you had a job" a smile tucked at the corner of her lips. She knew the day, somehow. Not sure if it was a Saturday or a Sunday, but still it was something. Sans' smile relaxed again, yet there was a glint in his eyes she couldn't quite ignore. Yet, she still went through the usual motions of her day.

She sat near Toriel, and soon other household members joined them. Sans, Papyrus, Alphys, Undyne... They were really like family for each other. Frisk's heart easily loved them, and she knew they loved her too, but sharing secrets still felt like too much. It was an accident anyway, they probably wouldn't understand that.

When they all ate, she rolled her sleeve up mindlessly, she didn't wish for them to get dirty while eating. Alphys sat next to Frisk, and unexpectedly, she smiled and asked "Oh F-Frisk, what happened to your arm?" Frisk's breath caught up in her throat, yet she used a response she practiced in her head all morning "This? It's just a little accident from yesterday, no big deal". It must have been a satisfying answer because Alphys's eyes shined like little stars "Do you know what character is t-that print on the band-aid?" she smiled, and when receiving a head shake for 'no', she went on about a silly anime comedy about some teenager with psychic powers, it seemed interesting enough.

Frisk tried her best to focus and engage with everything Alphys said, but her mind soon drifted to the previous night yet again. It was as if her thoughts spun on a carousel. Eventually, Alphys moved on and with a silly, maybe slightly embarrassed smile, stopped talking and continued her breakfast, clearly satisfied with the interaction. So, she also continued her breakfast. The toast was good, nothing better than fresh warm food in the morning. She took a red colored tissue and suddenly, she was drying her forearm with a damp towel, careful not to mess with the freshly made cuts. She blinked, and the tissue returned to normal, she still sat by the table. So, upon composing herself she quickly finished eating and returned to the kitchen with her plate.

The dishwasher was already running, so she rolled up the sleeves she didn't realize she previously played with and took a sponge in her hand. She put some dish soap on the sponge and started cleaning her plate. It reminded her of the previous night, yet she decided not to think about it much and just focus on getting the plate to be shiny. Yet then, Undyne stormed into the kitchen. "Hey champ, can you also clean my glass?" she put it inside the kitchen sink and was about to head back to the dining room when something caught her attention. She pointed her finger at Frisk's band-aids "What's up with those?" she asked casually.

Undyne probably didn't expect or want a complicated answer. So Frisk smiled and stuck to "Just a little accident, not a big deal" which seemed to be enough for Undyne to leave her alone and head back to where the family was. She sighed and cleaned the additional glass too. It's not only that they didn't need to know, it's also that they wouldn't understand if she did tell them. They'd probably be confused, or saddened. They'd ask stupid questions, like 'why didn't you tell us?' or worse, 'why did you do it?'. It's not as if she REALLY knew what they would say, what they would think. But that seemed the most probable, at least in the mess that was her mind. And the carousel kept spinning, the melody kept playing, and the sun kept shining.

Evening set in, the thoughts in her brain still spun. The carousel of thoughts didn't seem like it was about to stop anytime soon. The constant urge to gently peek under the band-aids and just see if they were still there and if they somehow healed in a few hours crept into her mind like an unpleasant guest. She thought they'd only hurt for a short time, an hour at max. Yet the cuts throbbed, giving her the urge to straighten her hand for as long as she could, so the skin wouldn't have to stretch and hurt yet again. If she were to describe it, it felt like an awful paper cut that constantly throbbed. More like three papercuts, yeah. She had to keep count now, they wouldn't disappear in the ten minutes like they usually did. Those were accidental but unrealistically real in an almost poetic way. Did that even make sense?

The blade from the previous night was still there. It lay neatly on her desk, reflecting the shine off of itself. Maybe the blade hated the heat as much as she did? Hate maybe was an exaggeration. She picked it up again, careful not to hurt herself this time. She headed to her nightstand and carefully put the blade beneath the books scattered around. The box cutter was also there, still as dull as ever. She almost missed the feeling of it sliding carefully on her skin, but she knew better than to do it right now when her previous cuts throbbed enough. Maybe she could return to the usual red once her still-fresh unusual red cuts heal. It was better that way, easier to hide since it never lasted long. Just ten minutes, then it stops counting as an injury, it just disappears. Now it also didn't count, it was accidental after all. She didn't mean to *actually* break skin.

The 'accident' part of it was what bothered her the most. There was no sense of release, or satisfaction when it happened. Only the ache, only the frustration that lingered beneath her skin. It wasn't how the melody was supposed to play out. Maybe if she had a reason, maybe if it was *really* on purpose, it would be easier to admit what happened. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to tell anyone, since she never considered stopping the familiar cycle. And the world kept spinning, just like her carousel.

Frisk sighed as she turned the door knob. Her mind may have been a mess, but that didn't excuse her from going on with her day. She came down the stairs and in the living room, was Papyrus and Undyne lounging on the green couch, talking about something. Now, she needed to focus her mind on the interaction she was about to make. It was so silly, did anyone else besides her have to put this much effort just to say something?

She smiled anyway, pushing the thought further back into her mind. "Hi, what are you up to guys?" she asked, managing her voice to sound acceptably normal. "Yeah, me and Paps been thinking about organizing a game night tomorrow" Undyne beamed with anticipation. Papyrus, however, had other opinions "I will say, a movie marathon would be a much better idea than that!" he grinned. "Movies are dope, but we'll fight over which one to choose, AGAIN," she added. Just about some time ago, they all sat on the couch, trying to enjoy the serenity of the night all together. Yet, with more than three people around, choosing a film to watch was a pain. And when they all eventually did collectively agree to watch an action movie, it was much too late in the night to even begin watching it. It was a fun night, but not exactly a movie night.

A smile tugged at Frisk's lips. "Well, we never really watched what we were supposed to. Game night sounds fun, too. Why can't we just do both?" said Frisk with a light chuckle. Papyrus and Undyne made eye contact and sighed defeated, smiling. "OK, we'll watch the movie. But YOU plan it! In return, I'll plan the game night, since it was my idea. Deal?" "Deal!" they shook their hands in a friendly banter manner. And just for that singular moment, the carousel slowed down. "I can help you guys with organising snacks" offered Frisk. "No no no, you just enjoy both events. I will prove I can make a great event even without any help! And that includes buying the greatest snacks" said Papyrus. "Yeah! And I'll prove myself too! I'm gonna organize the bestest game night you guys will ever take part in"

The three of them sat comfortably beside each other. Yet despite that, and Frisk's best effort to stay engaged in the conversation, her mind raced elsewhere. She was more mindful of her sleeves now, holding them down at all times. No, stop. She couldn't be thinking about this again, it was repetitive at this point.