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Chapter Text

He squealed and curled in on himself when his bed sheets were ripped off of him. He groggily blinked, squinting at the light that was pouring into the room. He manages to focus on the man who dragged him out of his precious slumber and tossed his sheets aside. 

“You're late for training! Again!” 

He only groaned in protest, grabbing his pillow and shoving it over his head as he rolled onto his side. Then his brother attempted to yank the pillow out from right under his head. Now this was going too far!

“I don't want to!” He protested, holding to it for dear life, despite the pain radiating from his bandaged hands. 

“You need to strengthen your golden core! What kind of Sect Leader will you be if you-” 

“I told you! I don't want to! I'm never going to learn, and it doesn't matter! I won't be Sect Leader! I don't want any of this! How many times do I have to tell you?!” 

The sound of tearing fabric drowned out the shouting of the two brothers briefly, then suddenly the room was filled with feathers. Nie Huaisang’s expression shot daggers at his older half brother, teeth clenched before he let out a shaking yell as he stumbled to his feet. 

“Was burning my collection not enough?! You think taking my things away from me will work!? I'll just make more! I will replace it all faster than you can get rid of it!” He waved his arms as he shouted, loud and expressive. 

“What is going on here?” 

“San-ge!” The rage snapped to wailing, large tears immediately sprung to his eyes and he threw himself at the man in gold and cream who entered. “Da-ge is being so cruel! Get him out of here, please!” He sobbed. 

The confused man pat his back as he looked over to his partner, raising an eyebrow. Nie Mingjue huffed, crossing his arms and glaring, a deep frown cutting across his features. 

“Da-ge… You really should allow A-Sang to rest and heal from his burns.” 

“Of course you're taking his side.” 

“I just don't believe it would be ideal for someone like A-Sang to be training the saber while injured.” 

“And yet he was able to hold this pillow tight enough to tear it.” He shook the scrap of fabric that was still in his hand at the two, before tossing it aside with a trail of feathers following it. Nie Huaisang skittered behind Jin Guangyao, peeking out past his arm as he shook like a leaf. 

“He needs to learn to push through the pain, and has to get a grip on reality. And you, Guangyao, need to stop enabling him.” An accusatory finger poked the smaller man right in the middle of his chest. 

“Da-ge, this humble one apologizes for overstepping. How about we leave A-Sang to rest, and we can discuss how we could go about his training after a session of Song of Clarity, hmm?” He spoke with a slight bow of his head. 

The Nie brothers made eye contact with each other briefly, before Jin Guangyao shifted between them again. Nie Huaisang was always grateful for his help, even if the tension between the sworn brothers seemed to become thicker with each passing day. He grit his teeth, knowing he wasn’t helping the situation, but it wasn’t really his fault!

Da-ge could be so bull headed sometimes. 

He scowled as he left to dramatically roll onto the bed. Before Nie Mingjue could protest he was quickly ushered out by Jin Guangyao, who looked back at the younger Nie brother briefly before disappearing.

Nie Huaisang picked up a handful of feathers that lay by him, blowing them away then groaning. He dropped his forehead onto the bed with a soft thunk. It took him a long moment before he poked his head out of his room to ask a servant for another pillow and to get the mess cleaned up. 

He drifted over to his make up table, sitting in front of it and staring it down. He debated just crawling back into bed and hiding from the world, but he really didn't have the motivation to argue with Da-ge again when he inevitably returned.

He looked over his pigments, picking up a sponge and looking into his bronze mirror as he got to work. He's been doing this for so long, he didn't need to put much thought into it. Every dab of make up hid away his true features. Every cut of colour removed the more feminine appearance of his face. 

He stared down at himself, frowning. He hadn't even realized he started truly crying until the tears splattered on his pallet. He tossed it back onto the table and gripped his hair with a sob. He hated being in pain but right now it felt good, it numbed his turbulent emotions.

He didn't want this life. He didn't want to be a spare. He wanted to write, to draw, to express himself in ways that felt right to him. He didn't want the responsibilities of a sect. He didn't want to change just to appease the stubborn elders. He wanted to be taken seriously for who he was! 

His persona of an idiot dandy was just one of his masks. That way if he slips up, it is easily covered up, the more “unsavory” feminine behaviours were easily waved away. But he felt like this mask was glued to his face, never to be removed. 

The stinging was becoming overwhelming. He dragged his hands down his face and eyed the smudged makeup that was wiped away by the gauze. He plucked up his medicine bottle, moving it between his hands as he considered it before finally swallowing it down. It was only enough to take the edge off, rather than take the pain away. The doctor was always confused on why the medicines weren't as effective on him than others. 

His response was something he started to say to everyone, 

“I don't know”.

Faintly in the distance he could hear the sound of the guqin being played as his mind wandered. Something sounded wrong about it, it wasn't the same as when Er-ge played it. 

But what does he know? Anyone can make mistakes. Even a perfectionist like San-ge.

Right? 

He doesn't remember if he ever fought this much with his brother before. Everyone in the Unclean Realm seemed to be much more on edge lately. He shook his head, the stress must be getting to him. He was tired of getting yelled at, and he’s barely been sleeping. Not like he remembers ever getting a full night's sleep. Still. Everything seemed worse, and he didn't know why. 

His head servant, Nie Huiqing placed a hand on his shoulder, causing him to startle. He sucked in a sharp breath through his nose before looking up at him.

“Shixiong...” 

“Come, Nie-er-gongzi. Let's get you to bed and change those bandages. Then you can try to get some rest. You clearly didn't sleep much last night.” 

He felt a warm cloth be pressed to his face, the heat soothing him. He closed his eyes and let his mouth fall open slightly as any makeup that lingered on his face was removed. 

“But Da-ge…” 

“I will deal with him. But clearly something plagues you, other than your injury. I will coordinate with the other servants to make you comfortable and ensure you get to recover. Now rest.” 

“Thank you, shixiong…” 

He ushered him to bed, making sure to slather his hands in ointment before wrapping them back up. With a bow he took his leave with a promise to bring breakfast.

He stared up at the ceiling of his room, doing his best not to think about how barren it is now. He brought his hand to his chest, rubbing it and hissing weakly. The daily binding he had to do started to hurt more and more. 

He sat up and grabbed some papers and a bit of charcoal. It was awkward, and he missed the feeling of the paper against the side of his hand. He did his best to let his mind empty and allow his hand to move freely upon the page. 

Soon enough Nie Huiqing returned with some tea, a bowl of fresh fruit and an extra blanket. He only lingered briefly, just to ensure he was comfortable and clean the remains of the previous pillow. He was dismissed for the time being without protest, able to tell that the young er-gongzi needed his space.

He clutched at the charcoal, and grit his teeth. He didn’t care. He will do things his way. 

–

Da-ge is dead. 

He's dead and he didn't even get to apologize to him. 

He refused to leave his room. Nie Huiqing did his best to coax him out, though it was useless. 

He didn't want to eat. He didn't bathe. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He just laid in bed and cried. He was like this for weeks and could barely handle the funeral arrangements. 

He didn't fight when one of the servants came to check on his arm. He had an awful time having to get the flesh of his arm stitched back together, as an infection raged through his body. Once it scars (and it will), big and ugly, it will be a constant reminder of how he was a failure of a sibling. 

He had only just managed to get past his brother's madness, as he held onto him and sobbed. He apologized and begged him to be okay. He couldn’t even feel his own pain, all he could feel was everything inside his soul shattering as the light left Da-ge’s eyes. Jin Guangyao had to drag him away from the corpse, as the servants whisked it away, along with the others that had fallen to Baxia. Lan Xichen looked horrified and heartbroken. 

He sobbed into those gold and cream robes for hours. Gods, how he was so angry at his brother. But he didn't want him dead!

It's your fault. You pushed him. You should have just listened to him and practiced the saber. 

Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. Even as he had comforting pats on his head and back, even as he drenched his sleeves in snot, and as he curled up to his most trusted friend, something was wrong.

Now as he stared up at his ceiling blankly, there was a prickling sensation that crawled up his spine as he thought about that day. 

Did San-ge have something to do with it? No. There was a vow made between the Venerated Triad. His three brothers, all important to him. The three loved each other, despite things becoming difficult. And San-ge knew how much he loathed the idea of being a spare. He wouldn't force him into that position, would he? He wouldn't betray his trust like that, would he?

And yet. 

He slowly climbed out of bed, and padded to the hot spring baths that were by his room. He didn't care who saw as he stripped his clothes and dropped them to the floor on his way there. He climbed into the stone bath, hissing as the hot water hit his skin. 

He plugged his nose and dunked himself in it. He laid back at the bottom of the water, feeling his hair drifting around him and taking in how weightless he felt. The world drifted away, and he stayed that way until his lungs forced him to return to the surface. 

He grabbed a bar of soap and cleaned himself as he organized his thoughts.

These were the facts. 

First: He lost Wei Wuxian. One of his best friends and closest confidants. 

With him he lost Lan Wangji, his longtime childhood friend. Their brothers were a pair for years, despite them trying to keep it hidden. They both knew. Now Lan Wangji was hidden away in seclusion, and he overheard Er-ge telling San-ge about how he got drunk and branded himself. 

After finding out how Lan Zhan dragged himself to the Burial Mounds even though he could barely even function, this isn't exactly the worst thing he could have done. Despite how reclusive and aloof the Second Jade of Lan was, he could see the sheer amount of love and devotion that man had for the now deceased demonic cultivator.

Second: Jiang Cheng is his other best friend and closest confidant. He killed Wei Wuxian. Now he's helping parent an infant with San-ge and working to rebuild a sect alone. He barely even managed to get a word in to him at the latest conference, a far cry from their days in the Cloud Recesses.

And now Da-ge is gone, he is with their parents. 

All he has left is Er-ge and San-ge. 

He can't trust them anymore.

He is utterly alone. 

He sank into the water again, only letting his nose and mouth break through the surface to allow him to simply drift in the hot water, soothing his joints.

The final fact: He is now the Nie Sect Leader. How was this supposed to work? He barely knew anything about taking charge. To continue his sect. That just made everything an even bigger mess. Even if he was to have a wife, they wouldn't be able to have children of their own unless she had the necessary parts. 

His identity is known by the elders of the Qinghe Nie clan, and it’s one of the few things the world has largely forgotten. But if he denied his claim to be a Sect leader, then he would lose one of the only things he has left. How drastically things would change if he was removed from the Unclean Realm. What would happen to him, if he was forced to live a life as a noble woman? There were definitely a couple of family members who would try to undermine his claim. 

No, it wasn't even an option nor consideration. His world would implode around him. 

San-ge wouldn't put him in that position would he? 

Would he? 

How intricate was this web, and how deep did it go? 

There was a soft knock on the door, before Nie Huiqing stepped in with fresh clean white robes. He said nothing as he set them down on a nearby bench and left Huaisang to his brooding. 

First things first. He needs to allow himself to mourn. 

He crawled out of the bath, wringing his hair out by twisting it tightly. He dried himself off with a towel and wrapped his hair up in a basic bun. Mourning is subdued. 

He picked up the fresh set of silk binding on his garments, holding one end in his mouth as he began to wrap and bind. His ribs and breasts protested, but he ignored them. 

He stared down his white robes as he wrapped himself. When he finished he tucked the ends in, and lifted the robes. Men's robes, just like he always wanted. This is the mask he wears, and he will decide how it will be decorated. 

Chapter Text

Bang! Clack! Clack! Thump! 

“Aggghh!” 

“What are you doing, Meimei?!”

Nie Mingjue ran over to a sobbing Nie Huaisang, who was curled up on himself and clutching his arm. The training dummy loomed over him, its movements slowing. 

“Gege!” He cried, a wooden saber within arm's reach, laying unceremoniously on the flagstones. The elder of the two dropped to his knees in front of the younger, grasping his arms in his hands and studying him. 

“What happened?” 

“I don't knooowwww!” 

“Did you sneak a saber out?” 

A soft whimper, then a sniffle. 

“Nuh uh…” 

“A-Sang…” Nie Mingjue sighed, rubbing his younger siblings arms and standing back up. He reached out to help Nie Huaisang back to his feet but the smaller child shook his head quickly. 

“It hurts!” He whined, clutching tighter at his arm. 

“Come on, it can't be that bad! Just get up!” 

Nie Huaisang’s lip wobbled though took his brother's words to heart. He took in a large gulp of air, and fought with his body to stand. He stuck just one of his arms out to steady himself as he wobbled. 

“See! Told you that you could do it!” 

“It still hurts, Gege!” Nie Huaisang wailed. “I can't move it!” 

“Move what?”

“Arm!” There was only so well a 5 year old could communicate what was happening. 

Nie Mingjue looked between Huaisang and the fallen saber, trying to piece together what happened. Then made his decision. He got into a crouching position in front of Nie Huaisang, holding his arms out behind him to reach out. 

“Get on!”

“What?” 

“I said get on!” 

Through choked sobs, Nie Huaisang obeyed. Though to hold his brother better, he put one arm around his neck in the style of a headlock. Then Nie Mingjue took off, holding tightly to his brother's legs. The smaller sibling shrieked, holding on like his life depended on it. In no time they arrived at the clan's doctors quarters. Nie Huaisang still clung to his brother until he was pried off, and landed on the available cot with an unceremonious plop . He fell back, laying like a starfish and whimpering. His older brother rest his hands on his own knees, leaning forward and panting heavily as he caught his breath. 

“Nie-xiaogongzi, Nie-xiaojie, what is the meaning of this ruckus? Bursting through my door like that, like some wild animal?!” The doctor scolded as he came into the room. 

Nie Huaisang burst into fresh tears. 

“It hurts!”

“What hurts?” 

“My arm!”

“Your arm?” 

The doctor sighed and went over to the younger Nie, urging him to get up by himself.

“He got hurt on the training grounds. He said he can't move his arm.” Nie Mingjue explained as he watched briefly before helping his brother up. 

“It looks fine to me.” The doctor muttered, taking the younger Nie’s arm and manipulating the limb. Now pained whimpers joined the crying. 

The doctor sighed and had Nie Huaisang reach out and squeeze his finger in his hand as hard as he could. When he was able to, the doctor stood back with a sigh.

“She’s fine. Just take her to her mother to cry it out.” 

“But her arm? You didn't do anything.” Nie Mingjue frowned. 

“She just twisted it a little. Totally normal. What isn't is the fact it happened on the training grounds. Why was she there?” 

Both of them looked at the weeping child, who after realizing they were being asked a question that they didn't want to answer, started loudly wailing instead. 

“I'll take her to her mother…” Nie Mingjue coaxed Nie Huaisang to climb onto his back again. The doctor shook his head with a heavy sigh. 

“Always with the dramatics with this one.”

Nie Mingjue flashed a glare in the direction of the doctor, before rushing back over and pointing up at him. 

“You will not speak badly of my sister! She is hurt and it's your job to help her until she has a golden core and can heal herself!” He huffed.

“My apologies Nie-xiaogongzi!” The doctor apologized more out of being startled than being genuine, and a tense moment lingered in the air. Eventually Nie Mingjue nodded, having made his point and left. 

–

“What were you doing at the training grounds, my delicate flower?” His mother asked as she stroked some of his hair behind his ear. He was cuddled up to her as he sat on her lap, holding to his arm. Nie Huaisang pouted a little at the nickname. 

“I wanted to train…” 

“Train? But that's for the boys, Sangsang.”

“Girls can train too!” 

“Yes… But what will you do if you are too old to fight? Who will command your home? Ladies who do not focus on their education will never have a good life. You want a good life, right Sangsang?” 

Nie Huaisang pouted still. He had a hard time focusing on education, there were so many more interesting things to do or think about! 

“I want to be just like Gege! I want to be strong, and brave, and -” 

“Oh sweet girl, you can be all those things and more. But A-Jue is a boy. He is doing what boys do best.” She tapped her daughter's nose, who scrunched her face. 

“I want to be a boy.” 

“But you are a girl, Sangsang. We are different. And you, as a noble lady, need to be ready.” 

“A-Niang!!!” Nie Huaisang squirmed, kicking his legs a little. 

“A-Sang. Listen to me. The ink and brush can be just as powerful as a sword. And while the man is the head of a house, the furen is the neck. And if you learn just right, you can make a man do whatever you want.” His mother held his shoulders a little as she spoke to him, making sure her words got through to him. 

“Yes, A-Niang…” He sighed. 

“That's my darling girl.” She pulled her child into an embrace, cuddling and nuzzling to her. Nie Huaisang started to laugh when his mother tickled him, and they pressed their foreheads to each other and closed their eyes. 

—----- 

He stood at the foot of Golden Carp Tower, holding a small box in his hands. His clan's disciples followed him in two straight lines as he made his way up the stairs. Inside were golden hair pieces and beads meant to be woven into braids, specially engraved with Jin Rusong’s birth animal and his name. He struggled to feel much joy in the celebration, though exchanged smiles and pleasantries with the various visitors. He admired the decorations, since as usual the Jin Clan spared no expense. When it was his turn to see the parents, he warmly greeted Qin Su, now Jin Su, and Jin Guangyao. 

“Glad to see you again, San-ge…” 

“Good to see you too, A-Sang. Are you holding up okay?” He asked as he took the gift box from Nie Huaisang. 

“I might be needing help… There is so much going on. But I had to visit little A-Song!” He cracked his fan and hid his face a little behind it. 

Then he saw little Jin Rusong, wrapped up in golden silk and the smallest cinnabar mark on his forehead. 

“A-Song look! Your Jiujiu came to see you and bring you gifts.” Qin Su cooed. It took Nie Huaisang a moment before stepping over and holding his finger out to the baby, intending on pushing some of the fabric away to see him better. 

Jin Rusong had other ideas, opening his eyes slowly and grabbing the tip of Nie Huaisang's finger with his whole tiny hand. The two stared at each other a long moment before the baby began to coo. 

“Want to hold him?” 

“Wh… Hold him? Me?” He hid his fluster behind his fan. Qin Su held her son out to him, her husband busying himself with gently ordering servants around as he resolved the latest hidden crisis. He was never given a moments peace thanks to Jin Guangshan.

Nie Huaisang nodded, swallowing thickly as he tucked his fan into his sleeve and held his arms out. Qin Su handed him the baby, adjusting Huaisang’s arms to the right position. He sat down beside the child's mother, a hurricane of emotions simmering just under the surface. Suddenly he began to cry and he hugged the child. 

Da-ge. I hope you reincarnated into the Heavens. But this child was born soon after you died. I don't know if this is you. But I swear, I will love and protect this child as you did for me. I swear it. 

Chapter Text

The market was lively and full of people, making it difficult for Nie Huaisang to pass. The air was rich with the scent of freshly grilled street food and charcoal, the sound of calling vendors and the bartering of patrons. The sun was high and bright, illuminating the various colours within the trees. It was a symphony to the senses, one that Nie Huaisang was always dazzled by. Everywhere he looked there was a variety of colours and trinkets just begging to be bought. 

He indulged in some grilled eel, munching on the savory delicacy as he wandered from stall to stall, having lost his right hand man, Yue Liang, in the crowd. 

A good cure for sadness was some retail therapy? Right? 

At least that is what he told himself as he cleaned his hands on a loose cloth and pulled out his coin purse to shell out money for not one, but two new fans from a vendor. 

He continued perusing the stalls, sniffing at incense cones, and admiring imported silks. It didn't mend his hurting soul, but it kept his mind busy at least. Then he heard a collection of chirping, his ears perking up and pushing through the crowd to find its source. 

He came upon a stall that had many fine bamboo cages, all housing birds with black and bright yellow feathers. 

“Orioles!” He exclaimed to himself as he rushed over, peering into the cages and admiring the potential new feathered friends. 

When Yue Liang finally found his young master, he witnessed Nie Huaisang quickly covering one of the cages with a billowing sleeve of his robes, walking away from the vendor. He looked up and made eye contact with Yue Liang and immediately had his fan to his face, caught with his impulse purchase.

“Another pet, Nie-zhongzhu?” He asked in a flat tone, not judging but analyzing. Nie Huaisang nodded.

“It's quiet back home… and I read that these birds are beautiful singers!” He pulled up his sleeve to show the caged bird within before gently lowering it. 

“Why are you covering it?”

“Birds are very easily stressed out! Blocking out some of the noise and light might help it relax. It seems frightened, poor thing.” He explained. He barely gave Yue Liang a chance to speak when he handed him his various purchases and turned away. “Let's go back so I can get them settled. I’m sure there's some bird seed back at Golden Carp Tower!” 

With a heavy sigh and a shake of his head as his master was disappearing ahead into the crowd again, Yue Liang trailed behind, shopping in tow. 

—

Nie Huaisang sat on a stone bench in a more secluded part of the Carp Tower gardens, his caged bird beside him. He took in the sun and the peonies that surrounded him. A light breeze drifted through the gardens, causing the grass to sway and small ripples to form in the pond located at the center. 

He thought about drawing this moment as he lazily fanned his face but couldn't bring himself to do more than briefly consider it. He hadn't picked up a brush to paint in months now.  His oriole chirped occasionally, triggering Nie Huaisang to feed it seed after seed in reward. 

“What should I name you, hmm?” He pondered outloud, as if the bird would answer him. Still, it was someone to talk to, and he could trust a bird with his thoughts. 

He glanced over towards the pond again and saw a young man in golden robes leaning over the railing of the bridge that spanned over the water, and was tossing out peas to a group of ducks. He had a lanky build and a handsome face. He wore his well kept hair in a bun with bangs that framed his features in a flattering way. A red cinnabar dot marked his forehead. 

It was odd seeing a younger member of the Jin clan spending time alone rather than with the gaggle of other members. He slowly lowered his fan, trying to figure out who this was. He had heard rumours that Jin Guangshan brought another one of his bastard children into the clan. Honestly he was surprised the sect leader even cared. Maybe it was a threat to Jin Guangyao. 

San-ge…

He clutched his robes and fan as he tried to remain composed, reviewing his thoughts but feeling the flair of anger rush through him. 

San-ge wouldn't have hurt Da-ge. After all, Nie Mingjue was one of the few people who allowed San-ge into the clan. He respected and defended him from anyone who spoke badly about him. It felt like he became a member of the family, assisted with intel during the war and brought the younger Nie so many gifts. Nie Huaisang knew part of it was to keep him distracted, so the two can go on their escapades, with or without Lan Xichen included. Though really, he didn't care. As long as Da-ge was happy. 

So it was incredibly questionable that Meng Yao was now given the prefix of "Guang" when he was welcomed into the Jin clan. The same one as his father. That means the man refuses to acknowledge him as his son and give him the proper generational prefix of "Zi", like his half brother Jin Zixuan. Honestly, Nie Huaisang was almost insulted on his behalf! Jin Guangshan was arrogant, but knew exactly where to stick the knife in and turn it.

How different would things be if San-ge was Jin Ziyao instead? How different would things be if he stayed with the Nie clan and never left? 

No…

He owed much to the Nie clan, and even saved Da-ge’s life. If he wanted to kill him, he would have done so ages ago. The Nie clan was just as powerful as the Jin clan before everything fell apart, and San-ge would have benefited from having such allies. Ones that have been at his side by oath, and helped him get him where he was today.

“Gege A-Yao!” 

He was pulled from his thoughts as he saw the man on the bridge bounce up and wave at someone in the distance. The caged oriole sang loudly. 

Nie Huaisang clutched at his fan as San-ge approached the man and greeted him in a familiar manner, rather than his reserved politeness. A manner that he had also used on Huaisang, but not clan disciples. All this confirmed who this was. 

This had to be Mo Xuanyu.