Archive of Our Own ^beta

Date: Tuesday, April 29th, 2014 

Time: 1:13 pm 

Location: Miles Edgeworth’s Office, Prosecutor’s Building 

“One final thing, Detective. Did you file that paperwork like I asked?” 

Gumshoe stared blankly at Edgeworth for a moment before scratching his head. “Uh, paperwork, sir?” 

Edgeworth frowned. “Yes, the search warrant. For the defendant at my trial tomorrow. The police and forensics team need to search his house, and his wife won’t allow them inside without a warrant.” 

“We... were supposed to search his house?” 

Edgeworth sighed. “So, I suppose this means you haven’t filed the request with the courts nor searched the house?” 

Gumshoe laughed. “You sure are quick, sir. You should be a detective.” 

“That or certain people I know shouldn’t be. Tell me, Detective, what is it that you do all day?” 

Gumshoe stroked his chin. “Let me think... I cleaned your office this morning. I got a coffee and a donut from the station’s breakroom. I’m meeting with you right now!” 

“Since you can’t be trusted to do as I ask, I will file the warrant and will demand a rush on my request. In the meantime, you will head back to the station and corral your team. Is this understood?” 

“Yes, sir,” Gumshoe replied before saluting. 

“However, for this egregious oversight, I’m afraid I’ll have to dock your pay once again.” 

“Mr. Edgeworth, that’s really harsh.” 

“I think this is more than fair. Will teach you a valuable lesson in responsibility.” 

Gumshoe nodded his head. “I guess I will have to tighten my belt even more this month. As it is, I buy toilet paper one roll at a time. Can’t afford to buy the whole pack. Only budget ramen from now on too.” 

“Well, as you’re eating your ramen, I hope you think about the consequences of your actions.” 

Despite the unfairly harsh punishment, Gumshoe let the incident roll off of him rather quickly. He grinned. “You sure have given me something to think about. Will update my budget when I get home. Good thing I write in in pencil!” 

“Yes, a budget is essential to the running of any household, but it is a matter that should be discussed outside of work time,” Edgeworth lectured.  

He got the hint. “Right! I’ll head back to the station straight away.” 

Gumshoe left and Edgeworth went to the courthouse to file the request. When Edgeworth returned to the Prosecutor’s Building, he went to level four instead to talk with HR.  

“Hello, Mr. Edgeworth,” the HR Representative greeted him. “What can I do for you today?” 

“I’ll need to make another deduction to Richard Gumshoe’s payroll.” 

“Oh, dear. What did he do this time?” 

“He forgot to submit a warrant request.” 

“And now the police team won’t be able to complete the search before your trial?” 

“No, no. I submitted it instead a half hour ago. They should conduct the search this evening. However, he set my investigation behind by an hour.” 

The representative frowned disapprovingly. “Sir, I think you need to relax your disciplinary measures a little bit. You’ve already cut his salary by 50%.” 

Edgeworth folded his arms. “He and I have an agreement in place, don’t we?” 

“No, you’re right.” She shook her head. “I can’t believe he agreed to this arrangement.” She chuckled. “Was he drunk when you suggested this?” 

He scoffed. “Don’t suggest something so vile. I would never do something so underhanded.” 

“So, you explained to him very carefully how this works?” 

He paused. “He had the opportunity to understand, yes.” 

“Meaning?” 

“I may have slipped the agreement in with a stack of his other files, and he signed off on it.” 

“He didn't read it?” 

“Knowing him... probably not. Honestly though, this is another valuable lesson. Don’t sign off on something you haven’t read. What else has he been signing without reading?” 

“I suppose. But he’s never had any questions? He never tried to file a grievance with the police’s union?” 

Edgeworth shook his head. “No. I asked him if he knew what a union was.” 

“And? What did he say?” 

“He said, and I quote: ‘Is that like the Illuminati?’” 

“Really? I didn’t realize he was a conspiracy guy.” 

“He isn’t. He watched half of the Da Vinci Code on a plane one time. He said he thought the triangle with the eye looked creepy.” 

She nodded. “That makes more sense, yeah. His union has meetings a few times a year though. He’d be invited and they vote on items in his contract. So, he just thinks those are secret Illuminati meetings?” 

“He’s too scared to find out what they do at these meetings. He also watched all of Eyes Wide Shut on a plane one time.” 

“What?” she exclaimed. “Why did he watch that on a plane?” She shook her head. “You know what? Doesn’t matter. Why haven’t you corrected him? Clearly, that’s not what goes on at these meetings.” 

“Well, I'm not a police officer. I’ve never been to one of those meetings either. So, I couldn’t definitively say what they do there.” 

She rolled her eyes. “Really, sir? You think that’s what’s going on.” Edgeworth just stared sternly at her with his arms crossed. His code for: I have plausible deniability, so leave me alone. “Sir, this is diabolical. With this conservatorship, where is his docked money even going?” 

“Limited conservatorship,” he clarified. “I may control his finances, but he has freedom over his other life choices... as of right now.” 

“Mr. Edgeworth, for all intents and purposes, you are controlling his life choices. He’s a police officer, but he lives in a crack den right now. He subsists on a diet of ramen and breakroom coffee and donuts. You’re lucky he has such a slow metabolism. Realistically, he should be 100 pounds right now but, somehow, he’s still built like a linebacker.” 

“Now, he tells me his roommates are very affectionate with him. The arrangement seems to be working just fine for him.” 

“Sir, where is this money going?” 

He hesitated. “I have various... investments set up for him.” 

“Do these investments happen to be in the bank of Edgeworth?” 

“What? No! I have been investing since I was nine. I don’t need his money, and I don’t steal. I have a... trust set up for him. A variety of index and mutual funds. By my current projections, he’ll be able to retire by the time he’s forty.” 

The HR rep smiled. She realized that his hesitance came not from admitting to something horrible but rather something nice. “That’s actually... kind of sweet. He is really bad with his money. He asked one of the other prosecutors to lend him $500 one day. He said this Babahlese prince had emailed him and-” 

Edgeworth slammed his palm on the table, cutting her off. “When was this?” he asked.  

“I don’t know, like three weeks ago.” 

He rubbed his eyes in frustration. “I’ve told him so many times: Khura’inese, Babahlese, Allebahstian, or what have you, they are all scams. Looks like I’ll need to give him another crash course in internet literacy.” 

“So, this wasn’t the first time?” 

He shook his head. “This is the same detective who, when I met him, had $5 to his name and spent that money on overpriced vending machine Swiss rolls from the courthouse. Then, the oaf proceeded to drop them on the floor.” 

“Well, in a warped way, it’s kind of good that you’re taking care of his finances. Life might be a little rough for him right now, but it’ll be worth it when he retires early. I’m kind of jealous, honestly.” 

“Yes, I suppose. I must admit, I have other motivations.” 

“Such as?” 

“As a union member, Detective Gumshoe is practically immune from firing. He’d have to kill someone to be kicked off the force. However, the more he fumbles, the more his salary is docked. The more his salary is docked, the more money is put in his trust. The more money in his trust, the sooner he retires as a detective. It’s a win-win for everyone, really.” 

“And there’s that von Karma charm you are so famous for. Well, as you’ve requested, I’ll cut his pay and divert the rest. I’ll only do $10 of his gross biweekly pay this time. You need to pace yourself or you’ll have no salary left to dock.” 

Edgeworth stood up and bowed. “Thank you for your cooperation.” He turned around and began to leave. 

“Sir,” the rep called out to him. He stopped walking. “You may come to regret this when he retires. He follows you around like a lost puppy. Besides, who will clean your office for you when he’s gone?” 

Edgeworth paused and then turned around. “Does the police’s collective agreement function like the prosecutor's office?” 

“Somewhat, yes.” 

“Incremental pay scales for years on the force and annual cost-of-living increases?” 

“Yes.” 

Edgeworth thought for a moment and did some mental math. “Then, I think we’ll be able to keep this arrangement going a while yet. Good day.” He nodded at her and walked away.  

Once he was gone, the rep sighed. “God, I do not get paid enough to put up with this shit.”