Archive of Our Own ^beta

The frigid blast of ice water is viscously unpleasant. Really, Ni-ki would rather be anywhere else but standing in a crappy hotel shower at 2:55 in the morning, fluorescent white light making his eyes water. But it’s this, trying to make his erection go down through the power of sheer willpower and cold water, or go back to the bed he’s currently sharing with Jake. Go back to staring at his beautiful hyung, splayed across the blankets, delicate unblemished skin peeking out from under his oversized sleepwear. Tensing every muscle in his body so he doesn’t cave to his basal desire and cling to his hyung like how he really wants to. 

Ni-ki knows this is wrong. Getting hard in the middle of the night at the sight of Jake’s collarbones in the soft, dim lighting is wrong. Wanting to squeeze his hyung to his chest, feel the rise and fall of his breath, needing the sensation of their bodies pressed together is wrong. His stomach clenches-- in arousal or nausea, he can't tell. 

He hasn't jerked off in 4 months, which is frankly astonishing for him. He hates that he’s gotten familiar with the sensation of ice water cascading down his skin, the pins and needles beginning to feel like a prayer. And God, he prays that Jake hasn’t figured it out yet. That he hasn't figured out that Ni-ki wants him in any way he can, that he haunts every moment of his waking life. Every time he did jerk off, no matter what he did or what he watched, it was Jake who appeared behind his eyelids, whispering in his ear, tracing his hands up and down his body. So he stopped masturbaiting, paranoid that Jake would look at him with his deep, sweet doe eyes and know every sinful, heinous, treatrous thought Ni-ki has ever thought about him. 

The harshness of the white lights and mildly stained cold tile feels safe. He shivers, letting the sticky, hot, anxious feelings rinse away and swirl down the drain. He closes his eyes momentarily, focusing on what's important. Making sure that Jake feels safe and comfortable, and that he never hates Ni-ki. Just the idea of Jake staring at Ni-ki with any amount of distain or hate is enough to pull himself together and step out of the shower. He sighs shakely and pretends that he doesn't feel tears prickling behind his eyes as he pats himself dry with the thin hotel towel. Pulls the shirt and boxers he was wearing back on, the slight dampness of his skin causing the fabric to cling and darken. 

He glares at himself in the mirror. It’s obviously him staring back, but there’s an odd sort of dissociation when he scrutinizes himself. He’s grown significantly taller, growing into his features more and more. It’s not the scrawny 13 year old he somehow expects to see, and that feels weird to him. 5 years has changed a lot about him, but when he picks his face apart he still sees traces of baby fat clinging to his cheeks and the same boyish, puffy eyelids he’s always had. 

Objectively, he’s an adult now. He has to file his own taxes, buy his own things, do his own laundry, but his stomach still churns at the idea. Sometimes, he still feels like the other members treat him like a little kid, pinching at his cheeks and cooing at him, even though he’s the new tallest member and his voice dropped octave. Jake being the worst offender, calling himself his mom, spoiling him, gentle and sweet, playing family. Ni-ki doesnt know if he wants to indulge, letting Jake fuss and care for him, or shout and demand his hyung to stop treating him like a baby all the time and see him like a real man. 

He doesn't know. Doesn’t know which Ni-ki he wants to be. If he wants to be sweet, little brother Ni-ki that Jake will always love in a way he doesn't want, or if he wants to be adult Ni-ki and risk the chance of being hated. He doesn't know. Can’t decide which Ni-ki he wants to see in the mirror. When his hand trembles, reaching for the bathroom doorknob, he wonders which Ni-ki Jake will see when he walks back into the warm, temptatious room they share. 

“God,” he thinks, staring into the dark, syrupy sweet abyss of Jake's eyes, his hyung sat on the edge of the bed, roused from sleep, staring right back at him, “Let me make it through this night.” 

“Ni-ki, could we talk?” 

“I’m so fucked.” 

“You’re a good kid, you know that?” Ni-ki sat cross-legged on the floor of the dance room, looking up at Jake, who stood above him, sweaty and out of breath. 

“What are you talking about? Where did this come from, Jake-nim?” It was just the two of them in the practice room, the other members long checked out and off to who-knows-where. The sky outside was dark, a new moon causing the windows to be pitch-black and inky. The two teens cranked the lights in the room as bright as they could go, hospital white, to try and stay awake as long as they could. The fluorescence made Ni-ki’s head pound, but somehow, getting to see Jake this late at night made the throbbing in his head feel more like a heartbeat. 

The older teen was always so nice to Ni-ki, gentle and handsome and kind and every other word listed in the dictionary under good, and Ni-ki really looked up to him. Always wanting to be better friends with him, but not really knowing how. Ni-ki is not the definition of a social butterfly, so he always missed his chance to talk to Jake one-on-one. But Jake is talking to him, his honey-sweet voice filling the air between them. He’s not sure how to pin the feeling down exactly, but he knows somewhere in the pits of his stomach that Jake is different from the others somehow. 

“You didn’t have to stay this late with me, practicing.” Every other word is punctuated with a soft gasp of breath, and Ni-ki’s eyes are transfixed on the soft rise and fall of Jake's chest. From the angle he’s sitting at, it's easy to pass off, staring straight up, and it feels like he’s doing something he shouldn’t. His brow furrows. 

“...You needed help with the choreo. I know the choreo.” 

Jake sighs, and takes a few deep, slow breaths, finally normalizing his breathing, before continuing. 

“See, that's exactly what I mean! You, I mean, you just help people out like it's the most natural thing in the world. You don’t even realize how crazy it is to stay after practice for three hours, just to help me. If that doesn’t make you a good kid, I don’t know what does.”

Has it really been three hours? Ni-ki glances at the clock on the wall. Ni-ki doesn’t really know what to say. He wants to say thank you, wants to jump on the praise offered and chew on it until he’s satisfied, wants to smile sweet and warm just like how Jake does and accept the compliment graciously. 

“I have a little sister.” 

“...Ah, yes?” Jake replies, his smile and voice slightly dampened with confusion. Ni-ki battles the urge to smack himself on the forehead.

“... Uh, she’s a nice kid. But she’s not great at getting her homework done, so sometimes I help her with that. And she’s the youngest, so the rest of my family is always spoiling her. I end up doing a lot of her chores, since she always forgets to do them and I don't want her getting in trouble.”

Jake blinks at him, not prepared for the sudden rambling.

“I have a big sister too, actually. She never goes outside without makeup on, so she always makes me go get snacks for her when she’s too lazy to get ready. And, once, she made me go to Osaka just to make it to a reservation she made at a collab cafe because she was sick. And I had to buy a ton of merch for her, so people looked at me funny on the train ride back home.” 

Slowly, recognition dawns on Jake’s face, starting to get at what Ni-ki is trying to tell him. The older boy flops down onto the floor beside him, before reaching up and ruffling Ni-ki’s hair. Ni-ki’s face scrunches up a little bit, the boy unused to the gentle brand of physical affection Jake employs. He’s used to birthday punches, hair-pulling, socked kicks to the stomach and stuffed animals thrown at his head. Not whatever this is. But cautiously, hesitantly, Ni-ki leans into the touch, tilting his head slightly to give Jake slightly better access to the top of his head. 

And Jake laughs, and to anyone else in the world it just sounds like a normal laugh, but to Ni-ki, it sounds like fairy-dust and heaven’s bells. Maybe he’s delusional. 

“Actually, I have a sibling too. An older brother. I really care for him now, but when we were kids, he was a real terror.” He starts, staring up at the ceiling. His fingers are still fiddling with the soft hairs at the top of Ni-ki’s head, as he recounts his own experiences with his brother. 

“He was super athletic and loved sports, so he would make me play with him in our backyard. But I was like, a tiny little 7 year old and he was way bigger and stronger than me. It was basically his excuse to pelt rugby balls at my face.”

He laughs, clearly fond of the memory, but Ni-ki can sense a slight twinge of sadness in his voice. 

“Everytime he did something mean to me, I’d always go to my room and pray to have a little brother or sister one day. I would think, “I’d be way better than my brother if I had a little sibling.” I begged my mom and dad for one every Christmas. I never ended up getting one, though.” 

He turns to look at Ni-ki, and the corner of his eyes crinkle a little bit as he smiles. The dull throbbing in his head deepens, and he tells himself it's just the fluorescent lights from above giving him this headache, and nothing else. 

“If I had a little brother,” he says slowly and softly, “I’d really like him to be just like you.”

A moment of silence stretches between them, a split second of thoughtful silence filling minutes, hours, days in their own little world. 

“I…” Ni-ki starts, but pauses. Jake tilts his head, a silent reassurance to keep going. “I’ve always wanted a big brother.” He whispers it, like it's a secret, and Jake leans in to listen closer.

“I mean, I love my sisters, don't get me wrong, but I always wondered what it would be like to have a cool older brother instead.”

“Yeah?”

“...Yeah.” 

“Maybe I could be your older brother, then. Obviously we wouldn’t be real siblings or anything, but you could be the little brother I’ve always wanted--” 

“And you could be the older brother I’ve always wanted?” 

And Jake grins, mischievous, as he reaches his other hand into Ni-ki’s hair and fully roughs it up, making his hair stick up in every-which way. 

“Okay then, my precious dongsaeng,” Jake giggles out. “Let's play pretend with each other.  You down?”

“... I’m down.” Ni-ki says seriously, like he’s sealing his fate. It makes Jake laugh even harder.

“Okay, then. This hyung is going to go to bed now. Are you gonna come with?”

“I wanna stay in the practice room a little longer.”

“Sure. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

As Jake walks away, Ni-ki calls out behind him. 

“Ah, wait, Could you please turn off the lights behind you? The lights are making my eyes hurt.”

“Of course, of course.” When he reaches the light switch, he turns around to look at Ni-ki. 

“...Good night, Lil’ bro.” His tone of voice is a little off, lighthearted and joke-y but subtly gravely, like he really means it. Ni-ki can’t even begin to process it before the lights are flicked off, leaving him alone in the pitch black. 

“... Good night.”

He barely breaths, quiet as he can possibly manage as he hears Jake walk away. When the footsteps finally fade, he lies down on the floor, and lets his face flush a warm pink in the safety of the velvety dark. 

It feels indulgent. It feels wrong. It feels like the beginning. 

Ni-ki fucked up. Badly. 

Not the kind of fuck-up he normally makes, like forgetting to flush the toilet or eating Jay’s unlabled leftovers. His older bandmates usually graciously forgive him for these small transgressions, being the youngest. He’s honestly been surprised with how much he can get away with using his title as maknae. But it’s not a serious fuck-up either, like the time he accidentally dropped Sunghoon’s 300 dollar bottle of cologne on the floor shattering it, or like when he left a dumbell on the floor and Heeseung tripped, almost breaking his nose. No, it was nothing like those times.

It was something quieter. More insidious. Innocent.

He told Jake that he missed his mom. Stressed and wound up from their newly packed schedule, Jake was one of the only people that Ni-ki ever went to for help. He wanted to be able to prove himself to the other members, to the company, to the world, and felt that if he showed any weakness he would get eaten alive. 

So, he went to Jake. He had already seen him at some of his weakest points by then, and something about the older boy was disarming. His face, his voice, his gentle mannerisms around Ni-ki all added up to make him feel like someone safe. Someone trustable. Someone Ni-ki could talk to about his home-sickness. 

Ni-ki doesnt cry. More accurately, he doesn't want to cry. Despite the affection he has for his members, he knows they’d be relentless if he did. He knows that he hasn’t earned the right to cry yet. He hasn’t pushed himself far enough yet, hasn’t felt the exhaustion deeply enough. 

But he’s eaten nothing but convenience store korean food for the last week, and he tried making miso soup for himself but it just didn't quite turn out right, and he tried calling his mom for help with the recipe but she wouldn’t pick up the phone, and he tried calling his older sister to ask about his mom and she just yelled at him for waking her up, and he tries, and he tries, and he tries, but nothing he does that day works, and he breaks. 

So, he stands in the entryway to their room, and lets big, wet tears drip down his face quietly, wiping them away with the sleeves of his hoodie. The older man doesn't even realize that Ni-ki is crying at first, with no gasping breaths or sniffles to accompany the tears flowing down his face, but as soon as he does, he’s leaping out of his bed to comfort Ni-ki. 

“Ni-ki, oh my god, are you okay?” he says quietly, to not alert the other members. 

“I miss my mom.” Ni-ki manages to mumble out through the tears, his voice weak and soft. Jake’s face immediately softens from something worried to something more comforting. 

“Oh, Ni-ki.” A few seconds later, a small pile of tissues is pressed into his hands. “Here, if you keep wiping your eyes with your hoodie sleeves, you’re gonna scratch the skin around your eyes.” 

“Okay.” he spends a minute or two wiping the wet tracks off his face, swallowing back the tears until his eyes dry up. Jake is still standing in front of him, gently patting his arm, as he waits for Ni-ki to stop crying. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“...Not really.”

“Alright then.” A pause. “Do you want a hug?”

“...Yeah.” 

And as he’s being pulled into Jake's arms, warm and comfortable and oddly strong, he leans his forehead on his shoulder. It's odd, being slightly taller than Jake now, but he’s finally hit a growth spurt. He distantly wonders how much taller he’ll get, when he’s going to out-grow these comforting hugs where he feels enveloped completely by his hyung. Jake gives him a few firm pats on his back. 

“There, there.” The phrase is so generically comforting, so nothing, that it pulls a snort out of Ni-ki. While he can’t see his face, Ni-ki knows that Jake is pouting. 

“Hey, I'm trying my best to comfort you here. Be grateful.”

“You seriously couldn’t think of anything better than that?”

“You’re such a brat.”

Ni-ki lets himself giggle, and Jake continues his petting. Eventually, they pull apart, Ni-ki feeling much better. Jake runs to his closet and rummages through it before pulling out a large off-white colored hoodie. 

“Here, change into this. You’ve got snot and tears all over that one, I’ll wash it for you.”

Ni-ki nods, before pulling the slightly soiled hoodie he’s currently wearing over his head. If he paid a little bit more attention, or didn’t trust Jake with his whole heart, he would’ve seen the older boy take a quick, split second glance at the plane of smooth, pale skin exposed when his shirt hikes up with his hoodie. 

The new, beige sweater is too big, the sleeves long and floppy, and Ni-ki feels like he's drowning in the soft fabric. 

“You can keep that one,” Jake says as he tosses the wet hoodie into his laundry basket. “I bought it, and it was way too big for me.” 

he looks Ni-ki up and down, the fabric hanging loosely on his body.

“... Uh, it might be a little too big for you too, but you’re been growing taller lately. You’ll probably grow into it.” He shrugs. 

“Thanks, hyung.”

“When you start to miss your mom, wear that. Think of it like a hug from me, okay?”

“... That’s kinda corny.” 

“Ah, seriously, this brat!” Jake groans out, before pushing down on Ni-ki to give him a noogie. Ni-ki hates to admit it, but the warm fabric swamping his body really does feel a bit like a hug from Jake. 

That would be fine. It really should’ve been fine, if that was it. But after that day, something shifted slightly in their dynamic. Sure, on occasion, Jake still acted like a friend or a brother, boyish and teasing, but more often than not he would slip into something softer. Gentler. More motherly. 

At first, Ni-ki didn’t even realize it was happening. The occasional fuss and worry over his appearance wasn’t really new, Jake had always taken a liking to fiddling with Ni-ki’s hair and outfits making sure he looked neat and presentable at all times. But, over time, like shifting sand, their dynamic began to change.

It was small things, asking him to clean his room every now and then or asking him to do the dishes. And Ni-ki would do it, because it made Jake happy. He liked seeing Jake pleased with him. And every now and then, Jake would show up to his room, unannounced, with a small plate of sliced fruits, or a bag of chips or something small, and hand it over before Ni-ki could even say thank you. For the most part, Ni-ki did his own chores and took care of himself, but sometimes Jake would swoop in and nab his basket of laundry out of his hands or something similar. Again, Ni-ki didn’t even realize it was happening until another member pointed it out. 

“Ni-ki, could you hand me your dirty plate? I’ll go wash it for you.” 

Before Ni-ki could even hand over his plate, Sunoo groans in exasperation from the couch. 

“Oh my goddd, not this again.” He dramatically flops over, flourishing his hand to rest on his forehead, like a fainted Victorian woman. Ni-ki furrows his brow in confusion. 

“What are you talking about, Sunoo hyung? What do you mean ‘again?’” 

“Seriously, you haven't noticed?” He suddenly sits back up, leaning on the arm of the couch to point an accusatory finger at Jake. 

“That guy,” he bites out, “Has got the worst case of Maknae favoritism I've literally ever seen in my entire life.” 

“Who, me?” Jake points at himself, seemingly just as confused as Ni-ki.

“Yes, you! Who else?” Sunoo cries out, rolling his eyes. 

“I really don’t know what you mean by that.”

“Hyung, literally yesterday you farted on me because I wore a pair of your shoes without asking.”

“Okay, in my defense--”

“I’m speaking! You shut up! The other day you roundhouse kicked Jay in the neck because he beat you at mario kart. But nooooo, around Ni-ki you’re all like ‘Ni-ki, you’re so cute and perfect, let me do your laundry! Ni-ki, you’re so well behaved today, let's go get dinner together!’ What about Sunoo? Sunoo is also your cute dongsaeng! Ni-ki is an actual menace to society, but you spoil him so badly. You basically act like his mom!” Sunoo monologues dramatically.

 Before Jake or Ni-ki can respond, Sunghoon, who had been standing in the kitchen the whole time, interjects.  

“Are we talking about how Jake acts like Ni-ki’s mom? Because he really does sometimes.”

“Do I really act like Ni-ki’s mom?” Jake mumbles out while pouting. 

Sunghoon and Sunoo glance at each other, before simultaneously saying “Yes,” in a monotone drawl. Ni-ki hesitates, handing Jake his dirty plate. 

“... You do kinda act like my mom, sometimes.”

“Seriously?”

Ni-ki nods. Jake mumbles something to himself, but when Ni-ki asks him what he said, he just brushes it off and moves on. 

“Well, at least Ni-ki is grateful about it. If I mothered you, you’d just be an ungrateful little shit about it, right Sunoo?”

“Duh. Obviously.” 

Jake shakes his head. “You guys are seriously all ridiculous. Ni-ki is the only one who actually cares for me. Isn’t that right?” Ni-ki nods. 

“Whatever you say, mom.”

Saying it out loud makes his stomach flip uneasily, but Jake, Sunoo and Sunghoon all laugh at him, so he chuckles along, hoping none of them can see the nervousness wracking his body. 

Following Jake’s newly acquired realization, this new dynamic is established. He starts ramping it up in front of the other members for laughs. Heeseung especially gets a kick out of it, finding Jake's over-the-top portrayal of motherhood particularly hilarious. Whenever the other members call the behavior out, or when Jake jokingly calls Ni-ki his son, or when Ni-ki jokingly calls Jake his mom, It makes the pit in his stomach grow deeper and deeper. 

It’s the worst when they’re alone. Whenever they are alone, He stops playing it up to a humorous degree, but that somehow makes it worse. In these moments, he knows that Jake isn't doing it for a bit, or for a laugh out of the other members but that his care for Ni-ki is genuine. He’s kind around Ni-ki. Gentle. Soft. It makes him want to claw out of his skin. 

It’s the late-afternoon, and Ni-ki is the only one home, alone in the dorms. It’s Chuseok, and all the other members have gone home to their families, But it’s not like Ni-ki really wants to fly to Japan and back for a three-day holiday he doesn’t even celebrate, so he’s by himself in the dorms. 

It’s eerily silent, being in a space meant for seven people as just one. But it’s nice. He can use all the hot water he wants, listen to his music on the speakers instead of through the dingy headphones he refuses to replace, and watch all the shows he’s been meaning to get around to on the TV. 

Nice, but boring. Without an actual phone with unrestricted internet access, he doesn’t have much to do. He’s already worked through his small back-catalog of shows and movies, added new songs he’s found onto his playlist, and paged through all of Jungwon’s books. He could go to the studio and work on some choreography, but it's his vacation time, and he tries not to mix business with pleasure. 

So pleasure it is, he decides. He hasn’t had the space, time or chance to jerk off, not with six other guys in close proximity. He shuffles quietly into their shared room and shivers. The late September air is chilled, and their shitty dorm manager had turned off the heat after everyone left. Ni-ki opts to pull his favorite hoodie off the floor, the very same off-white hoodie Jake gave him back when they first debuted. 

The hoodie fits almost perfectly now that Ni-ki is taller, but it’s still a touch too large. He wears it all the time. The worn, well-loved fabric makes it the most comfortable jacket in his collection. It’s Ni-ki’s hoodie, and everyone knows not to touch it, but in his head he always calls it Jake’s hoodie. He frowns, looking at his bed. He has an upper bunk, and he knows that the whole bed frame would shake around if he tried jerking off. 

He shudders at the thought of the bed collapsing with him on it, leaving the other members to find him dead with his pants around his ankles. That absolutely can’t happen. He looks around at the other beds, before hesitantly sitting down on Jake’s mattress. Gives a slight bounce up and down, testing the bed’s tensile strength. He carefully lowers himself down to a lying position. 

Jake would probably be the least mad of all the members if he found out about Ni-ki jerking off in his bed, he reasons. He has no other reason for choosing his bed. None at all. The cold air still bites at his skin, even with the added warmth of the hoodie, so he pulls Jake's blankets up and around him. They smell vaguely of his cologne and skin. He shivers again, but not from the cold. 

Slowly, he reaches into his pants and palms over his penis. The cold skin of his hands makes him flinch as he comes in contact with himself, but he lets out a contented sigh as he sinks deeper into the mattress. He’s not the most imaginative, and with no porn it's a bit difficult jerking off, so he tries his best to get himself warmed up. 

The hazy afternoon light that filters through the window makes him space out. Lets his mind wander as he aimlessly pleasures himself with no direction or arousal. Just playing with himself quietly underneath the sheets as he leans against Jake’s pillows. Absently, he wonders if he locked the bedroom door behind him. 

There’s no one else in the dorm, and no one has the keys except their manager, who’s all the way in Busan, and the other members, who are spending time with their respective families. Still, he thinks about what might happen, what he would do if he heard the telltale sound of the door unclicking. The walls of the dorm are shockingly thick, so he probably wouldn’t hear anyone enter the main foyer of the dorm. 

He continues to palm himself aimlessly. The sun sets in the sky outside. What would Jake do if he saw him like this? His dick twitches mildly. He’d probably get really mad or disgusted, he reasons. If the older boy unlocked the front door, and walked in, calling out for Ni-ki. I’m home, Ni-ki! he’d say, trying to find the younger boy. Where are you?

How would he react, walking into their shared room, he wonders. Cracking the door open, expecting to see Ni-ki lounging around playing games, and instead seeing him curled up on his bed jerking off? Ni-ki closes his eyes, and wraps his hand around his dick fully, slowly pumping it up and down, still spaced out. 

He should get mad, but maybe Jake wouldn’t. He’s always been more lax with Ni-ki, after all. Maybe he’d get really mad at the other members, but maybe not Ni-ki. He’d probably be shocked at first, but he might walk over. Might sit next to Ni-ki, lying in his bed, and ask him to keep going. 

Poor baby, you must’ve been pent up, he coos in his ear, and Ni-ki lets a flustered puff of air escape from the back of his throat. Needed to get off so bad, you couldn't wait to get in your own bed, huh? His hand speeds up minutely. Don’t stop because of me, keep going. 

Hands, hands on his body. He knows they’re not really there, that there's no actual fingers carding through his hair or tracing up and down his chest, but if he closes his eyes hard enough and focuses on the sweet, low voice in his ear he can almost feel it. Another soft groan escapes from his mouth. 

Making such cute sounds, it continues, so sweet. Ni-ki gasps in response, something low and throaty, as he thrashes slightly on the bed. You’d feel so good inside me, wouldn’t you? As he works his dick faster, approaching orgasm, he whimpers, trying to pin the voice whispering inside his head. Heat and blood pool in his stomach, and he realizes it's Jake, low and sweet in his ears, and he cums viscously and embarrassingly fast, the blurry image of his hyung painted behind his shut eyelids as he works himself through his orgasm. 

The sobering realization of what he’s just done shoots through his veins like ice water. His eyes snap open, and he gasps sitting up, blinking the image of Jake away. He feels the blood drain away from his face, and he pulls his hand out of his soiled pants like he had been electrically shocked. 

The wetness in his pants and the cum dripping languidly over his fingers and knuckles serve as irrefutable evidence of what he’s just done. Any remaining arousal stuck in his stomach turns cold, and he stumbles out of bed and to the bathroom. He strips as quickly as he can, ashamedly, before hopping into the shower to rinse himself of his own sweat, semen and shame. 

The water is cold. It wakes him up. He watches the remnants swirl down the drain, the milky whiteness disappearing. He feels sick. The water flowing down his body doesn’t relieve him of the sticky dirtiness he feels underneath his skin. He shampoos his hair. He does it again. A third time, before the suds can even fully rinse out from the second wash. Scrubs his body down with Sunoo’s expensive body wash that no one is allowed to use. He stands under the cold water for an excessively long time, but by the time he shuts the water off and steps out, it still doesn't feel like enough. 

He brushes his teeth. Washes his face. Washes his hands. He can’t explain the urge, but he feels so dirty, and nothing he does relives the feeling. He’s ice cold, shivering, naked and dripping wet, but it's not enough to extinguish the smoldering embers that rest in his gut. He feels pressure build behind his eyes as he stumbles weakly back to their room, pulling on a clean set of clothes. He collapses into his own bed this time, and curls underneath his sheets. He sleeps with the lights on. 

He dreams of nothing that night, and by the time he wakes up, Sunoo is already next to his face yelling about how he left all the lights on in the bathroom and used up his body wash. He glances around, disoriented, and spots Jake sleeping peacefully on his bed with his suitcase rolled up next to him. He’s sleeping on the bare mattress, and as Sunoo berates him for using his soap, Ni-ki hangs his head in pure, deep shame. 

“I’m sorry.” Ni-ki whispers, the guilt drowning his words. 

Sunoo stops, and frowns.

“Well, as long as you know not to use my soap anymore, I guess.”

“I’m so sorry.” Ni-ki whispers again, even smaller.

“Uh, Okay, alright. It’s fine, just don't do it again.” Sunoo pauses. “Uh, maybe you should go back to bed. You’re not looking too hot.”

Ni-ki nods, and curls back under his sheets. 

Moving forward, Ni-ki takes a lot more cold showers. He’s able to keep up the facade during the day around the other band members, but the stress is building. Pretending like he doesn’t want Jake carnally while playing this weird game of family with him is slowly killing him inside. Calling him mom while pretending like he doesn't want to explore every crevice of his mouth with his tongue is really an added stressor onto his life. 

Even after moving to the new dorm and getting his own room, he’s too scared to jerk off. The last few times he tried, all he could think about was Jake, even with girlish moans pouring through his headphones. Everyday, he silently thanks the heavens above that he and Jake are living on different floors. He doesn't know if he could handle another few years of listening to the deep gravel of Jake's morning voice without jumping his bones. 

The cold water keeps him grounded. It clears his mind when he needs to think. He knows that he’s getting more closed off from the other members, Jake included, and he knows it hurts them when he pushes them away. Knows it because everytime he gently pushes Jake away from a hug or touch, he can’t seem to push down the flash of hurt that crosses his face whenever he’s rejected. 

He hates seeing Jake hurt more than anything else in this world. It makes him feel like he’s doing something terribly wrong. Knowing that he’s the reason Jake is sad in any capacity kills him inside, but it's isolation or Jake finding out that Ni-ki thinks about his plump, pink lips every time he’s alone in his room. He trembles under the barrage of cold water. He’s found solace in the bathroom, cold, harsh, and dim. 

When he was a kid, he was told that hell was hot, sweltering red and swirling flames. By association, he figured that heaven must be cold. Never has he felt that more true, standing under the showerhead, letting the patter of water over his head drown the sound of his thoughts. While the drone of water is enough to mute the buzz of unwanted hornyness that nips at the back of his head, it's not enough to mute the sound of someone banging on the bathroom door. 

“Yah! Ni-ki! You’ve been in the shower for 20 minutes! You’re using all the hot water, I need a turn!” The yelling, though muffled through the wooden door, is clearly Jay’s voice. 

“I’m not using any hot water! Relax!”

“What?"

“I said I’m not using any of the fucking hot water!”

“I don’t know what that means! Just come out already!” He keeps banging on the door, before pausing. “And don’t you swear at me!”

Ni-ki sighs petulantly, before shutting the waterflow off, and shaking the excess water off his body. He really doesn’t want to deal with Jay right now, who randomly decided that he hated Ni-ki over the last 2 weeks. Towel wrapped around his waist, he slams the door open revealing a slightly surprised and mostly pissed off looking Jay. 

“Jesus Christ!”

“Okay, hyung I’m done. With my stupid shower. My cold shower, so don’t worry about your dumb hot water.” 

When Ni-ki goes to walk out the door, he purposefully slams into Jay, shoulder checking him. Before he can finish walking away, a firm hand is grabbing his shoulder and spinning him back around.

“Okay, I’ve had enough of your shit! What the actual FUCK is your deal, man!”

Ni-ki winces internally at Jay’s tone. He keeps his face steeled, but he knows that Jay being this legitimately mad at him is never a good thing. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, hyung.” 

“You know damn well exactly what I mean!”

“Are you seriously this upset over a single shower?”

“It’s not-- god, it’s not the dumb shower! It’s this fucking attitude you suddenly developed. What is your deal!”

Ni-ki’s eye twitches. He knows he’s been a bit of an asshole as of late, but Jay really doesn’t need to do this while he’s soaking wet, wrapped in a towel and dripping water all over the floor. He sighs. Pushes the wet hair out of his face.  

“Can we just have this conversation later? I really don't want to talk about this right now.” 

“No, we’re not--”

“Fuck you mean, no? I don't want to talk to you right--”

“NO, we are talking NOW. You don't get to argue with me. If you don’t talk right now, you’re never going to fucking talk about it. So we’re doing it. Right. Now. What the hell crawled up your ass?”

“You, right now.” 

“Woah, hey, what's going on here?” Sunghoon wanders into the hallway, clearly disheveled, woken up by the yelling outside his room. 

“Oh my God, NI-KI. I have fucking had it with you. I get that you’re allowed to be angry sometimes. You’re a teenage boy, you’re allowed to be a little bit grumpy. I fucking get that. But these last few weeks, no, months, you have been absolutely insufferable. Every single day. Every single hour. Nobody can fucking talk to you with you snapping back. Fuck, I can’t even ask you to hurry up in the shower without you giving me so much fucking attitude.” 

“Fuck you.” Ni-ki snaps back, reflexively.

“Okay guys, maybe we should all relax a bit here…” Sunghoon glances back and forth, worriedly, not really sure how to interject.

 Jay’s voice slowly escalates in volume. It’s not quite a full yell, but well on its way to being one.

“Everyone is sick of your bullshit, man. Nobody has said anything, since we all figured you’d work through whatever the hell you’re going through on your own, but it's been literal months and we still can’t ask you what you want for breakfast without you having a conniption.”

Something in Jay’s face softens slightly. He still looks pissed beyond compare, but there's something gentle and sad creased in his facial features. 

“Look, we all want to be there for you. You’re clearly going through something, and I feel for that. But every time we try to talk to you, you just brush us off. You either need to figure out whatever the fuck you’re going through, or you need to get your head out your ass and talk to one of us.” 

“Whatever.”

“You little--”

Sunghoon gently grasps Ni-ki’s arm, trying to stop the conflict from escalating. 

“Okay, let’s all calm down a bit--”

“DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!” 

Ni-ki practically snarls at Sunghoon, ripping his hand off his arm with considerable force. It’s not anger that laces his voice though, as pure, unfiltered fear tints his words. Even to himself, he sounds a bit like a wounded animal, instead of the tough facade he’s been trying to uphold. He’s starting to crumble.

It’s quiet in the dorm hallway, and Ni-ki looks up at Sunghoon, staring at him in mild shock. He’s gripping his wrist hard, and Ni-ki can already see the skin flush slightly under his grasp. It’s absolutely going to bruise, and it makes him feel sick to the stomach. He didn’t want to hurt Sunghoon, or Jay. He really didn't mean to. He drops Sunghoons arm, and the older man cradles it gently as the hallway is filled with a tense silence.

Jay walks up to him, quietly. The loud, crisp sound of the slap across Ni-ki’s face resounds through the hall. His cheek stings, and tears threaten to well up in his eyes. 

“I don’t care what your deal is. Just get your shit figured out before our next comeback.”

Jay’s voice is icy, as he glares up into Ni-ki’s eyes. 

They stay like that for a minute, the air in the hall thick and damp. 

“... Sorry.” Ni-ki manages, voice small and thin. 

“Whatever. I’m going to take a shower.” 

Jay pushes past Ni-ki, and slams the bathroom door shut, leaving a dripping wet Ni-ki who looks somewhat like a soaked kitten and a shell-shocked Sunghoon.

“I’m, uh, gonna go now… go… ice.. my wrist.” His words are painfully stilted and awkward, making Ni-ki wince. 

“I’m really sorry, Sunghoon hyung. I didn’t mean to do that…”

“No, no it's fine, but I’m gonna.. go now. Yeah.”

“Okay, yeah, go do that.”

“Uh huh. I’ll see you later. Tomorrow, I guess.”

Sunghoon ambles off, clearly still a little shocked at the vice grip that Ni-ki used on his wrist. As soon as Sunghoon wanders off into the kitchen, Ni-ki escapes back into his bedroom. He finishes drying off, and tugs on whatever clothes he deems clean enough to sleep in. He glances longingly at the off white hoodie folded neatly next to his pillow. It’s too small now, the sleeves cutting off at his forearms, and he wishes more than anything else in the world that he could be small again, and drown in its fabric. 

Instead, he flicks the lights off and curls up underneath his sheets, burying his face into the fabric of the hoodie. Jake was the last person to wash it, and it still smells dimly like his fabric softener that no one else uses. 

That night, he dreams of Jake. When he wakes up, the hoodie is damp with tears. His pants are damp with cum. 

Sunghoon’s wrist is bruised. Badly. 

It’s gotten better now, after a few days of ice and a lot of hastily applied ointment on Jungwon’s behalf. But better doesn’t mean healed, a frightening array of dark purple and yellow gracing his skin. While no one else was there to witness it, Jay’s thinly veiled anger towards Ni-ki and Ni-ki’s very openly displayed guilt made it very easy for the other members to parse out what happened. 

They’re all in the practice room, and the air is tense, and Ni-ki feels bad because he knows it’s his fault. So tense, in fact, that the second Jay steps out for water, Jungwon and Jake are shoving Heeseung torwads Ni-ki. 

Heeseung looks mildly betrayed, glancing back towards the duo, but Jake just waves and smiles and Junwon sticks up two thumbs up like a cartoon character. 

“Those traitors…” Heeseung whispers before walking up to Ni-ki. 

“Ni-ki, can we talk privately?”

Ni-ki glances past Heeseung, and watches as Jake very conspicuously begins inspecting the mirror and as Jungwon suddenly starts doing jumping jacks. 

“... Okay, yeah.”

“Cool, let's go. Guys, Ni-ki and I are gonna step out for a minute.”

“Kayyyy~” the room calls out from behind them. Mostly Sunoo.

“Ugh, thank God. I felt like I was suffocating in here…” He hears Sunoo distantly, as he and Heeseung walk away from the dance room. 

The two men step into one of the many small, soundproof practice rooms. Perfect for a private conversation. There’s a small, dingy green loveseat shoved in the corner, and Heeseung plops down before patting the space next to him, cueing Ni-ki to do the same. He hesitantly lowers himself down next to Heesung. 

“If I'm being honest, I don't really want to be here. Jungwon said it was a toss-up between me and Jake, and I lost the rock paper scissors for that.” Ni-ki frowns.

“Seriously? Why didn’t Jungwon just go himself?

Heeseung shrugs and shakes his head. 

“He kept saying something along the lines of you would only listen to me or Jake. Jake I understand, but I don't know why he kept insisting you would also listen to me. He was like “Heeseung hyung, you’re the oldest, so he’ll definitely listen to you”, but like, when has that ever stopped you from ignoring what I say.” He sighs. 

“Look, I’ll cut to the chase. Jungwon already talked to Sunghoon and Jay, so we know their side of the story.” He pauses. “Vaguely. Jay was a little too pissed to get anything coherent out of. But I want to hear it from you.”

Ni-ki fidgets a bit in his seat. Heeseung frowns.

“Whatever you say, I promise I’m not going to be mad at you. Really. I’m just worried about you all, and I want you to feel okay around each other.”

There’s a moment of hesitation, Heeseung hovering his hand above Ni-ki’s shoulder, before finally pulling him closer in an awkward but comforting side hug. 

It’s nice. Ni-ki hasn’t had a hug in a long time. He was never all that physical with his members aside from Jake, and he had been avoiding hugs and anything physically affectionate with the man for months now. For obvious reasons. 

He finds that a Heesung hug is different from a Jake hug, but it's nice nonetheless. He finds his gaze falls downwards, towards the floor. He’s scared to open up, that the second he lets anybody see the nasty feelings brewing in his chest they’ll find him disgusting. But Heeseung at least feels safer than the other members at the moment, so maybe a little bit off his chest wouldn’t hurt. 

“I… haven’t been doing very well these last few months.” he begins. Heeseung nods. 

“There’s something that's been stressing me out. Really badly. I just can’t stop thinking about it, but it’s something I can never tell anyone about. Ever. No one.”

“Nobody at all?” Heeseung asks, raising an eyebrow. “Not even Jake?”

Ni-ki grimaces.

“Especially not Jake.” a low whistle. 

“Tough.”

“It’s been really affecting my mood, I don’t know. I guess Jay hyung was getting peeved at me, or something. We had a fight after a shower I took. Things got a little heated. I was kind of an asshole to him, and he got really mad at me. When Sunghoon tried to stop us, I grabbed his wrist too hard and bruised him. Then Jay slapped me.”

“He slapped you?”

“In the face. Can’t say I didn’t deserve it.”

“Oh, don’t say that Ni-ki…”

Ni-ki shrugs.

“It’s true though, I really was being an asshole to Jay. And Sunghoon.” He thinks for a moment. “And pretty much everyone else.”

“Okay, yeah, I remember that part.”

Ni-ki tucks his feet up onto the couch, and leans further into Heeseung, who had been comfortingly rubbing his shoulder throughout their talk. They stay like that for a moment, quiet and comfortable. 

“How hard did you grip Sunghoon’s arm for it to get like that?” Heeseung asks, with no malice or anger anywhere in his voice. Just simple curiosity. Still, Ni-ki winces. 

“I really didn't mean to grab him that hard. I swear, I just wanted to get his hand off me. I didn’t even try, but…” 

Ni-ki trails off. Heesung looks worried, but doesn’t probe him any further. But Ni-ki can tell that he’s curious, so he continues softly. 

“I mean, he just… he bruised so easily. I know I’ve gotten bigger these last few years, but Sunghoon hyung is really strong. Have you seen him work out? His arms are really really built. If I could do that to someone like Sunghoon hyung without even trying, what would I ....”

“What would I do to someone weaker than me?” he finishes, a nervous tremble in his voice. 

Heeesung doesn’t know that Ni-ki is thinking about Jake. At this stage in their life, he towers over the older man, a staggering 6’2” or 3” compared to Jake’s 5’9”. But Heesung can tell Ni-ki is scared, feeling the slight tremble underneath his fingertips. 

“I get that. I mean, not really, I don't think I'm anywhere near as strong as you or Sunghoon. But the fear I get. I think everyone is a little scared of hurting the people they love with the things they do. I mean, I was terrified to tell my dad I wanted to pursue music. But that fear shouldn’t stop you from loving the people around you.”

Heeseung shrugs. 

“I don’t know. Maybe I'm talking nonsense here. But, we all love you here Ni-ki, even if you’re afraid of us, or if we’re afraid of you. I hope you know that. You should probably apologize to Jay and Sunghoon at some point, and I'll make sure you get an apology from Jay okay?”

“Okay.” Ni-ki sniffles. 

“Oh man, don’t do that. You’re gonna make me feel bad for lecturing you.” 

Heeseung pulls Ni-ki into an actual hug, and Ni-ki almost goes limp at the relief. Heeseung laughs. 

“Hey, if Jake is your mom, does that make me your dad?” 

Heeseung has no idea how closely that hits home for Ni-ki. He laughs weakly, but even he can tell it doesn't quite feel right. 

When they pull away, Heeseung gives Ni-ki a good, firm slap on the back before stretching his arms above his head, stiff from the awkward hug he had been giving him through the talk. 

“Okay, good stuff. Let’s go back to the practice room? We need to go get ready for our tour.” And he grins, something knowing glittering in his eyes. 

“Did Jungwon tell you? First stop in the US is Los Angeles. I know that’s your favorite.” 

Ni-ki lights up at the mention of LA, slightly jogging back to the practice room. As he runs ahead of Heeseung, the older man pulls out his phone and opens his messaging app. 

Jaeyun (Jake) Sim

we’re done

Jake responds almost instantaneously. Heesung snorts.

Jaeyun (Jake) Sim

What did he say????

almost nothing we didn’t already hear from sunghoon

Oh

apparently jay slapped his face while they were arguing

WHAT

He didn't tell us that…..

yeah

Idk i believe it he’s definitely done something like that before

Oh man

i’ll have jungwon talk to him about that later

true

jungwon’s definitely gonna rip into him for that

double true

Okay look i have a favor to ask you before Ni-ki gets back to the dance room

?

Yes whats up

Okay while we were talking, Ni-ki mentioned something weird

he has something on his mind thats really weighing on him

Obviously its something thats affecting him badly if he argued with jay this much

but he says that he “absolutely cannot tell anyone”

especially not you

but like 

we KNOW ni-ki

yeah

and i think we both know that if he’s gonna tell anyone what's messing him up so badly

he’d tell you

LOL yeah

so my favor

i'm supposed to be his roommate for the california unit of the tour

but i was thinking we could switch

so you’d room with Ni-ki

he loves LA

so like while his mood is good and stuff you could ask him whats up

maybe help him out a bit find out whats bothering him

IDK im just really worried about him and i know he woulnd't open up fully with me

wouldn’t*

but maybe he can with you

Of course we can switch!!!

I'm worried about him too. 

thank you

TBH

I think i have an idea on what might be bothering him LOLL

really?

Yeah

I mean, I can’t be 100% until i ask

but

I think i have a pretty good idea

sweet

OMG HE’S HERE ALREADY

FUCK

Again, Heeseung snorts at Jake's text messages. He slides his phone back into his pocket, satisfied with his resolution to the problem. As he starts to jog lightly to catch back up with Ni-ki, he has no idea of the doomed fate he’s just sent Ni-ki down. 

“Ni-ki, could we talk?”

Ni-ki can hear his heartbeat in between his ears as he comes face to face with Jake. The hotel room they’re in is unfortunately shitty, a last minute re-book after their actual hotel details got leaked. The members got all scattered around, all in random rooms and different floors, and somehow Ni-ki ended up with Jake, crammed into a small room with a single bed for them to share. 

There are no windows. It’s absolutely a fire hazard, and the room is pitch black besides the dim, warm light coming from the lamp behind Ni-ki. Jake looks amazing in the dark, his black hair and eyes blending into the shadows behind him, leaving his skin softly illuminated. He looks vaguely like how he does in Ni-ki’s dreams, blurry and obscured. 

Ni-ki wishes he didn’t find Jake so attractive. Wishes that he could just be normal around his hyung, but seeing him like this he just can’t help himself. 

“What… Do you want to talk about?” Ni-ki asks, a slight hesitation betraying the nervousness he feels staring into Jake's sultry, dark eyes. 

“Hmm.” Jake tilts his head, the faintest hint of a knowing smirk gracing his lips.  “I think you already know.” 

“I don’t think I do.” He pushes the wet strands of hair out of his face, glancing back at the bathroom before looking back at Jake. 

“Ni-ki-ah.” Jake pushes himself up off the side of the bed, and rises to his full height. When he walks over to Ni-ki, the younger has to look down to stare into his eyes, but he’s never felt smaller. Jake gently holds Ni-ki’s arms, tender and careful. 

“Do you remember Chuseok? 2023?” Jake is smiling faintly, as if recalling something fondly. 

“The one where I was the only one in the dorm?”

“That one! You know, I was really worried about you. I mean, I knew you could handle yourself alone, but that didn’t stop me from worrying.” 

Jake’s glance falls down, towards his feet. Niki remains transfixed on his face, long eyelashes casting thin and soft shadows over Jake's face. Hypnotized. 

“I mean, I just kept thinking, is he cleaning up after himself? Is he eating enough, resting? I know you’re a total work-a-holic, so I was scared you were just going to practice by yourself the whole time we were gone. I don’t know. I guess I can't help worrying about you.” 

Jake glances back up, and smiles warmly, like he always does, perfect lips split over perfect teeth, and Ni-ki can feel his sanity slip. 

“I was so worried, actually, that I decided to go back home early. My parents understood, they know how much I care about you. My brother thought it was funny, saying that I must be really obsessed with my new little brother.” 

He’s still smiling. 

“Did you know I was the first one back in the dorms? I came back a day early. I’m really glad I did, actually. You’re lucky, really, that no one else was home.” he says, chuckling, like he’s saying the funniest thing in the world. 

“Can you imagine my shock,” he says, laughing, “When I found your cum smeared all over my sheets?” 

Ni-ki feels his heart drop out of his chest. Feels the blood drain out of his face. 

“What?”

“Ni-ki ah.” Jake’s voice drops, a serious tinge tainting the light-hearted tone he had been speaking with, but that damned smile still graces his face, like he didn’t just tear Ni-ki’s chest open and ripped his heart out for them to look at together. 

“I know it was you. There was no one else who could’ve done it.” 

“Hyung, I don’t--”

“Shhhh. Let me talk. It’s okay.” he shakes his head softly, endlessly fond, and Ni-ki wants to tug himself free of Jake's gentle grip. There's no pressure on his arms whatsoever, and Ni-ki could very easily yank himself free, but he finds himself unable, frozen in Jake’s gaze like a deer in headlights. 

“At first I was mad. I mean, who jerks off in someone else's bed? I was really pissed off when I had to lug all the sheets off my bed and into the washing machine. I had to sleep using a towel as a blanket. But then I found you, curled up in a little ball under all your sheets, shaking and sniffling wearing my hoodie, and I knew I couldn't stay mad at you.”

“Really, I could never be mad at you.” 

“Jake, I--”

“At first,” Jake cuts him off, not letting Ni-ki get a word in otherwise. “I thought it was a one-off.” He chuckles again, like he knows something Ni-ki doesn’t. 

“I mean, I was in the same place you were. Horny, hormonal teenage boy. I mean, I still kind of am. Sometimes we do stupid things. I didn’t think anything of it.”

Ni-ki nervously lifts a hand to his hair, fiddling with the wet strands. Jake lifts a hand of his own to meet Ni-ki’s, and pulls his hand away from his hair. 

“Ah, you always do that when you get anxious, don't you? That’s not a good habit to keep.”

“Do what?”

“Mess with your hair like that. Especially when it's wet. It’s like, your nervous tell. You haven’t noticed?” 

Ni-ki blinks. He lets his hand drop. 

“You started doing it a lot, recently.” Jake cradles Ni-ki’s cheek with his cupped palm, and he instinctively leans into the touch, craving it after months of self-imposed starvation. 

“Around me a lot. Tell me something, Ni-ki.”

“...What is it?”

“...Do I make you nervous?”

And Ni-ki freezes at the loaded question, unsure of how to answer. 

“... I don’t know.”

Jake hums again. 

“I think I do. Do you want to know why I think that? Hmm?” 

“... I’m not sure I do, if I'm being honest, hyung.” Another laugh. 

“Ah, too bad, I'll tell you anyway. I went to go check on you after your fight with Jay, actually. Sunghoon asked me to. He was worried about you. I told him to stay in my room for the night, and I would stay with you and Jay. He didn’t really want to stay on a floor with you two, not after the fight was so fresh and raw. Understandable.”

“I checked on Jay first. He didn’t really want to talk to me.” He shrugs, before continuing. 

“You were sleeping. I thought you were having a nightmare, at first, the way you were squirming and groaning under your sheets.” 

Jake’s voice drops to a low whisper.

“But then you started moaning my name.” 

For the Nth time that night, Ni-ki feels himself freeze under Jake's gaze. He can feel his world ending. 

“And I realized…” Jake slowly traces a finger up and down Ni-ki’s chest.

“you weren’t squirming under the sheets, but humping them.” 

He laughs, and it sounds exactly like it did all those years ago, sharing a practice room in the dead of night together, like something angelic and faithful, but now Ni-ki can sense the mirth, malice, even, hidden under the layers and layers of Jakes warm, kind, exterior. 

“Imagine how I felt watching you, Ni-ki-ah, whimpering my name,” 

He takes a step closer.

“Face buried in my hoodie,”

Another step closer.

“grinding against the sheets that I washed,”

He tip-toes up to Ni-ki’s face, and whispers low and sultry and sinful in his ear.

“Like a dog in heat.” 

He pulls back, enough to stare Ni-ki in the eyes. This close in proximity, Ni-ki can feel their breaths mix together in the air between them, warm and stale, unsure of how to feel. The dim hum of the lamp besides them, the quiet drone of the busy LA street outside, even the droll buzz and thump of the old air conditioning unit fade away, leaving nothing but the rapid pulse of blood flooding Ni-ki’s ears, the beating of his heart drowning everything else in the world besides him and Jake. 

They stand like that for what seems like hours, before Jake finally breaks the silent spell that had fallen over them. The corners of his eyes crinkle as he once again smiles at Ni-ki, patting his arm. 

“I know.”

“What… do you know?” Ni-ki asks fretfully, like Jake doesn't already know every inner machination of his mind. 

“I know that I’m the issue you’ve been dealing with. So I’m going to give you two options.”

Ni-ki nods, dutifully and languidly. 

“I’m going to go take a shower. We can either forget we ever had this conversation, and we go back to normal. You were actually supposed to room with Heesung, so I can give you the key to his room, and you can go spend the night with him. His key-card is on the side table next to the door. Room 305.” 

“Or,” he says, slowly and purposefully, leaving Ni-ki to hang on every word he says. 

“You sit on our bed, and you wait patiently for me to finish showering. If you can wait the whole time I’m gone without moving or touching…”

He smiles wide, like the Cheshire Cat.

“I’ll make sure to give you a reward. You down?”

“... Okay.”

Ni-ki suddenly understands how Eve felt, biting the apple, or Persephone, eating the pomegranate seeds. 

“Good boy.” Jake pats Ni-ki’s cheek, before sauntering into the bathroom, leaving Ni-ki alone in the dark. As the bathroom door shuts behind him, and Ni-ki hears the tell-tale hiss of water pouring from the showerhead, he begins to pace the room. 

What should he do? What should he pick? He knows that Jake takes quick showers, so he doesn’t have much time to choose. He walks to the door, and picks up the aforementioned plastic keycard left on the side table. Turns it around in his hand a few times. Did Heesung and Jake plan this? Does Heesung know? 

Ni-ki realizes belatedly that he’s scared. 

The hiss of the water makes his heart beat faster. He slowly places the plastic card back down on the table, a muted clack mixing in with the ambient noise of the room. He makes his way back to the bed, and lowers himself into a sitting position against the stack of pillows leaning against the bed frame. 

He sits. And he waits. 

He picks at his cuticles, before stopping. Jake did say no touching himself, and he assumes that means sexually, but he doesn't want to risk upsetting Jake if he meant no touching whatsoever. He lets his hands drop to his sides, and he waits, perfectly still, like a well trained dog waiting for its master to come home. 

Jake takes a long, long time in the shower. Far longer than usual, the sound of pouring water going on and on and on, echoing through Ni-ki’s head. The months and months of willpower and faith in himself crumble away, and he lets himself imagine Jake in the shower next to him. 

What could he be possibly doing in the shower that’s taking him this long? He lets himself hope that maybe Jake is doing exactly what he’s imagining, stretching himself out on his fingers pushing in and out of his hole, letting the warm water rinse over flushed skin. 

Despite all that hope, there’s still something mean and loud in his head, telling him that no, he’s reading too far into it, and he’s insane for even daring to imagine Jake feeling the same way he does. 

Hope. Shame. Arousal. Guilt. a terrible clash of emotions in his head as he sits perfectly still, resisting the urge to fidget in place. 

Eventually, the water stops. He can feel his heart beating out of his chest. Waits with bated breath. 

The room is flooded briefly in white light, pouring out of the bathroom, and Jake steps out, skin flushed and warm and soft from the hot water, wearing nothing but a pair of black boxers and a loose t-shirt. The bathroom door closes behind him, and they’re once again enveloped in darkness. 

When Jake sees Ni-ki, waiting quietly on the bed, hands folded in his lap, he lights up. 

Ni-ki promptly bursts into tears. Jake’s face finally drops from the seemingly permanent cheeky grin into something kind and worried, and rushes over to the younger boy. 

“Woah, hey, what’s wrong, baby?”

“Don’t-- I don’t know--”

“Okay, hey, Breath with me okay? You’re alright, it's okay…” Jake scrambles to get onto the bed next to Ni-ki and cradles his face, wiping away big wet tears with his thumbs. 

They stay like that for a moment, Ni-ki trying to regain control over his breathing, and jake comforting him as best he can. When Ni-ki finally calms down, Jake is in his lap, patting his face and hair.

“What happened? Are you okay?” Jake frowns. 

“I’m sorry…”

“What are you sorry for, baby?”

“Don’t-- don’t call me that…”

“What? Why not?” 

“You-- I don’t-- What do you want from me?” Ni-ki finally bites out. 

“I mean, I don’t--” a shuddering gasp for air. “You keep giving me these weird mixed signals. You keep saying I'm like your little brother, or like you’re my mom, but then you also do- do this, and I don't know what we’re supposed to be. What do you want us to be?”

“Ni-ki ah.”

“I just, I can't stop imagining you in ways that I shouldn’t, and I don’t want to, I really don’t want to see you this way. But I can't stop, and even now I was imagining you, even though I shouldn't be, and I just, I don't know. I really don’t want to hurt you, but I’m bigger than you now, and I'm scared I'm gonna slip, and lose control and hurt you.”

“Ni-ki.”

“I- I can be your friend, or your dongsaeng, or your kid, or anything you want me to be. I just don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to hurt you.” 

“Ni-ki!” 

Ni-ki finally manages to stop rambling, swallowing back tears at Jake’s sudden harsh tone. 

“First of all, I need you to relax a bit. It’s okay. Just breathe with me a little bit.” 

Slowly, Ni-ki begins to unwind from his panic, sinking into the pillows. 

“Okay, good, good. there we go, just like that. Ni-ki, I’m going to ask you a question, okay? You don’t have to answer, but I’d like it if you did, alright?”

“...Okay.”

Jake smiles, gentle.

“Good. When you say that ‘even now, you’re imagining me in a way you shouldn’t’, what exactly does that entail? Be honest with me. I won’t be mad.” 

Ni-ki hesitates. Jake presses further. 

“What exactly were you imagining me doing in there? You can tell me.” 

“...Were you… maybe… preparing yourself?... For me?” Ni-ki asks, slowly, afraid. 

“Ding Ding Ding.” Jake says, sing-songy. “Such a smart baby I have here.”

Ni-ki’s eyes widen. 

“It seems to me,” Jake says, not unkindly, “that maybe you and I are thinking the same thing. But you keep asking me what I want. Ni-ki, I wanna know what you want.”

Jake shifts forward in Ni-ki’s lap, their groins shifting together, as Jake looks down on Ni-ki. 

“Tell me what you want, baby.” Ni-ki swallows. 

“...Will you kiss me?” and Jake smiles, like he’s finally won, before leaning in closer and closer, until their faces are millimeters apart. 

“Of course I can,” he whispers, “Anything you want.” 

Their lips crash together, and maybe Ni-ki is a little too desperate, the kiss immediately too intense from the get-go, but he finds he can't really care, not with soft lips interlocking with his own. He doesn’t want to come up for air, wanting to extend the kiss forever. 

Jake’s hands find their way up into Ni-ki’s hair, and his fingers card through the soft short hairs on the nape of his neck, scratching his scalp in a way that makes Ni-ki preen towards the touch. 

Suddenly, the hand in his hair curls, and his hair is being yanked, and he whimpers not unlike a kicked dog, forcibly pulled away from Jake’s touch. Jake laughs meanly. 

“So-” he gasps for air. “So damn eager. So cute. Not- not even letting me breath.” Jake pants out, forcing air back into his lungs. Ni-ki whines at the loss of touch. 

“We- we should stop. We shouldn't be doing this.”

“You’ve been reaaaal pent up because of me, huh?” Jake tilts his head cutely, before grinding his ass against Ni-ki’s rapidly stiffening cock. His hips buck up into Jake, uncontrollably, and Jake giggles. 

“Do you actually want to stop? Or is that what you think we should be doing? What do you actually want, baby?” 

“... need more…”

“What was that?”

“I need more, Jake hyung.” Ni-ki manages to gasp out.

“Hmm. Desperate.” 

Jake leans in for another kiss, softer and slower, leaving Ni-ki to chase after his taste. It’s everything Ni-ki’s wanted and more, but it's somehow still not enough. Not nearly enough to sate his cravings. 

“Hyung, can I- may I please- touch you? Please?” Ni-ki manages to ask in-between the gasps of air they take in-between open mouthed kisses. Jake pulls away and smiles. 

“So polite. Of course you can. You can do whatever you like to me.”

“... You shouldn’t say that. Not to me.” 

“And why not?”

“I… don’t know if I'm… going to be able to control myself…” Ni-ki mumbles out, weakly. 

“Aww, that's a shame. Maybe I wanted you to lose control.” Jake continues to shamelessly grind into Ni-ki, as Ni-ki anxiously feels up and down Jake's delicate waist and stomach. So soft. So warm. He squeezes down as faintly as he can, feeling the skin give under his fingertips, and Jake gives a full body shiver, fragile. 

At the squeeze, Jake lets a thin moan escape his throat. Ni-ki flinches, yanking his hands off of his waist like he’s done something wrong. Jake frowns. 

“In my opinion, you have too much control. I mean, if I were you I probably would’ve jumped me ages ago.” 

“Don’t joke about that.”

“Aw, have a little fun with me here. Can I tell you a little secret, Ni-ki?”

Frankly, Ni-ki has had enough of secrets. Still, he has no choice but to listen. 

“I think as many times as you’ve jerked off thinking of me, I’ve fingered myself thinking of you.” It’s said so casually that Ni-ki doesn't even really register what he’s saying at first, but the second his brain catches up, he’s sent reeling. Jake shrugs.

“I mean, we’ve seen each other's dicks before. I figured that if I was gonna take you, I’d probably need to stretch first.” He pauses. “Unless you want me to be in you instead. Sorry, I didn't even ask. What would you prefer? Do you wanna top? Or do you want me to do it?”

Ni-ki would take Jake in any way he could get. 

“I honestly don’t really care.” Jake nods. 

“Well, I already prepped myself so we might as well.” He pats Ni-ki on the shoulder. “Maybe next time?” 

The mere mention of a next time makes Ni-ki’s heart pound faster. As much as he prays that Jake doesn’t notice, he very much does, and he laughs lightly. 

“Cute.”

“...Do you really mean it?”

“What, that you're cute? Yes. Why?”

“No, not that. That… you’d really let me do anything I want?” 

“mhm.”

“...Anything?” Ni-ki whispers. 

“ Anything. All you have to do is take it.”

Ni-ki sits up, and flips Jake over, laying him down against the pillows, caging him in with his arms.

“...You can’t take it back.”

“I don’t want to.”

Their lips meet again, and Ni-ki gently guides Jake’s legs up, and slots himself in between them, free to grind up against his ass however he likes. The bed creaks with the movement, Ni-ki humping desperately against Jake’s clothed ass. Ni-ki pulls off Jake's lips momentarily. 

“Wait, wait, hyung, condom.”

He tries to get up and search the room for condoms. Before he can, Jake tugs Ni-ki back down by the collar, deepening their kiss further, before reaching up and rummaging around underneath the pillows. He manages to pull out a full strand of condoms and a bottle of lube. 

Ni-ki stops the kiss. 

“Wait, what the fuck? When did you get those?” Jake laughs with his full chest. 

“While you were in the shower. I figured something like this might happen.”

“Oh my god. You’re the worst.”

“Hey, respect your elders. Don’t be rude.” 

“The worst.”

Ni-ki grabs the bottle of lube from above Jake’s head, before squeezing a generous amount onto his fingers. The lube is cold, so he rubs his fingers together mildly to warm it up. Jake frowns.

“Ni-ki ah, I already stretched myself out. You don’t need to do that.” Ni-ki pouts as he tugs Jake’s underwear down with his non-lube soaked hand. 

“...You said I could do anything.” Before Jake can retort, Ni-ki slides a lube-coated finger into Jake's awaiting hole. The punched out gasp only encourages Ni-ki to go further, gently coaxing his finger in and out. 

“You said I could do anything I wanted. Were you lying?” Ni-ki whines, leaning in closer to Jake’s face, nuzzling up against his neck like a petulant kitten. 

“Gasp- Ni-ki ah, wait, wait, wait--”

“You’re such a liar, hyung. You have no idea how much I want this. Want you. Need to make you feel good.” Ni-ki mumbles out, glancing up at Jake’s face, flushed and red. 

“Wanna make you feel good. Can I? Please?”

The squelch of lube in the otherwise quiet room is astounding, Ni-ki forcing punched out moans and gasps from Jake’s throat as he fingers him as best he can. 

“Wait, ugh, uhn, I really meant it, I swear…” Jake manages to keen out. “Just- Just wasn’t expecting this…” 

Ni-ki watches his face carefully, enthralled, as he gently inserts another finger into Jake. Despite Jake’s apparent stretching, he’s still insanely tight, and Ni-ki would rather jump off a building than purposefully hurt Jake. Jake’s face twists in pleasure at the new insertion, and Ni-ki feels his dick throb. 

“It’s okay though, right? I can keep going?”

“Do- do as you like…”

Time stretches slowly as Ni-ki leisurely fingers open Jake, slowly adding a third finger, carefully stretching his hole out. It’s enchanting really, watching his fingers slip in and out rhythmically, and Ni-ki knows he's already addicted to Jake. 

His dick throbs painfully in his boxers.  

“Jake-hyung.”

“Uhng, yeah, what's up?” Jake bites out, already fucked out of his mind. 

“Do you think you’re ready for me to put it in?”

“... Mhm.”

At the confirmation, Ni-ki slowly pulls his fingers out, a sickeningly slick pop as his finger slides out, leaving Jake’s hole to clench around nothing. 

Ni-ki fiddles with the condom wrapper, slippery hand unable to get enough traction on the wrapper to rip it open, so he eventually takes a corner of the foil in his teeth, ripping the condom open that way. After a few tense moments of fumbling around with the condom, trying to get it wrapped around his dick, he finally manages to get it on. 

He uncaps the bottle of lube next to him, before drizzling a liberal amount onto his dick, shivering at the sudden cold. He pumps his hand up and down, slicking himself up, before finally, finally leaning over Jake. 

“... Are you really sure this is okay?” he asks, voice thin and soft.

“Jesus Christ, how many times are you gonna ask? Yes yes, a million ti-” Before he can finish, Ni-ki is pushing in, a gasp pulled from his throat as Jake’s wet, hot, tight hole envelops the head of his cock. A sharp whine escapes from Jake, as he stretches around Ni-ki. 

“Uhng… mm…” Ni-ki whimpers, as he slides in painfully slow, savoring the feeling of Jake around him. 

It takes a good amount of time for Ni-ki to fully sheath himself, but the second his hips meet Jake’s soft ass, it's like every thought in his head melts away, leaving nothing but Jake, Jake, Jake. He feels like his dick might be melting. 

“Oh my god…”

“Nng…”

 The pair pant in tandem, the air warm between them. Ni-ki’s mind is finally blissfully blank, as he begins to slowly shift in and out, wet friction making his stomach tighten. Jake feels better than he could’ve ever imagined, warm and wet and sweet, as he languidly thrusts chasing pleasure.

“Hyung, hyung, I don’t think I’m going to last…” Ni-ki whines out, clenching his eyes shut.

“T-that's fine, I don’t care. As long as you feel good.” 

Ni-ki cums pathetically, mid thrust, dumping his load into the thin latex. He cums with a shuddering gasp, continuing to fuck into Jake through his orgasm. Before Jake can even react, Ni-ki is reaching for another condom, tearing it open with his teeth, and pulling out. He ties off the soiled condom, throwing it somewhere on the floor, before wrapping his dick in the fresh latex. 

“Sorry,” Ni-ki pants out, weakly. “First time. I can do better.”  

“Wai--AIT!” 

Ni-ki plunges back in, magically just as hard as he was before his orgasm, and Jake distantly remembers that Ni-ki has been self-celebate for god-knows-how-long, and is probably pent up beyond belief. 

“Sorry,” Ni-ki pants, fucking into Jake’s ass with the same voility as he did a minute prior. “Sorry, Sorry…”

“It’s, It’s fine, just keep, keep going…” 

“M’kay…” 

The air fills with the sound of wet thrusts and broken gasps and moans. It's hard to tell who’s making which sounds, equally as broken and needy. At some point, through the fucking, Ni-ki’s rhythm slips, and Jake can tell he’s approaching orgasm. 

“Do- Do I feel good, baby?” He bites out, reaching up to stroke Ni-ki’s face. 

“F-feels… so good… mommy…” Ni-ki moans out, quiet and cute, fucked out of his mind. 

Jake, for one split second, freezes. He knows that Ni-ki is probably blissfully unaware of what he’s just said, if his continuous fucking is any indication. 

“Y-yeah? Does mommy’s pussy feel good, baby?”

And Ni-ki moans, his first full chested moan of the night, unrestrained, and Jake feels like he’s finally figured Ni-ki out. Finally cracked the code. 

He pushes back against Ni-ki, and he feels his stomach distend mildly, the angle change causing Ni-ki to thrust directly against Jake’s prostate, and the older arches into it, cumming meekly onto their stomachs. Ni-ki’s not far behind, cumming with a punched out “Mommy,” before collapsing onto Jake. 

As Ni-ki shakily pulls out for the second time that night, cum still dripping into the stretched out condom, Jake figures the night is pretty much over. 

To his horror, he watches as Ni-ki reaches for a third condom. 

“Wait a minute, baby,” Jake says shakily, as Ni-ki ties off the second condom, and leans forward for a sloppy kiss. 

Jake’s brain feels like it's lagging, body still overly sensitive from his climax as Ni-ki flips him over, grabbing his hips, as he rests on all fours. He hears the hauntingly familiar sound of a condom wrapper tearing open. 

“Oh, Shit.” Jake thinks, as Ni-ki envelops him, leaning his whole body on top of Jake’s, fucking into him like an animal in heat, blindly chasing pleasure. The change in angle is definitely noticeable, getting fucked from behind an almost entirely new sensation from before. It feels deeper, more unrelenting. He can almost feel Ni-ki in his throat. Ni-ki pants above him, a few moans scraped out from the back of his throat. 

“M-mommy… ugh, uhn… ugh… If… If you pass out… can I please.. keep fucking you?” 

Jake can see stars and static flash in his eyes, vision slowly blacking out. 

“What-whatever you need, baby.” 

As Ni-ki pounds into Jake, he nuzzles into the back of his neck, mouthing and gently sucking on Jake’s neck. The occasional scrape of teeth against his nape makes his vision dance, and he knows he needs more. 

“Baby, baby, wait…” Jake wiggles his arm, trapped under Ni-ki’s vice-like grip, and he easily lets go. Using his newly freed hand, he tugs on the collar of his shirt, revealing a pale flash of skin. 

“Go-go ahead, baby… Make mommy feel good…” 

All inhibitions lost, brain melted under the high heat, Ni-ki leans forward and bites, with no hesitation. His teeth dig into Jake’s soft, unmarred skin, and his mouth is filled with the taste of iron and sweat and sugar, hot and wrong and delicious. 

The sharp pain makes Jake scream, arching his back as his vision swarms. He thinks he cums, but he can't be sure. As his vision fully blanks out, his arms give and he collapses chest first into the bed, hips held up only by Ni-ki’s own. 

Ni-ki couldn’t tell you how the rest of the night went, or how many rounds he went after Jake passed out.  All he knows is that at some point, he himself passed out, finishing with a weakly mumbled “Love you” before curling up against Jake, softened dick still fitted neatly in Jake’s fucked out hole. 

Ni-ki wakes up mildly horrified at himself the next day, surrounded by damp sheets, crumpled condom wrappers, and tied off condoms strewn about. And like his life flashing before his eyes, he remembers the full scope of what he’s done as he gingerly pulls out of Jake. Every humiliating moan. every humiliating word gasped out. 

Jake is roused awake as Ni-ki’s dick slips out of the condom, leaving a cum-filled latex behind. Before he can get on his hands and knees and beg for forgiveness, however, Jake just laughs cheerfully as he tugs the soiled condom out of himself.

“I’m so sorry.” Ni-ki starts, face pale. 

It just makes Jake laugh harder, and he’s being pulled closer, as his forehead and nose bridge are peppered in gentle kisses. 

“It’s really alright. If you’re actually sorry, you’d help me get to the bathroom. I don’t think my legs are working right now.” 

Ni-ki still feels that twinge of guilt in his stomach as he carries Jake to the bathroom, propping him up against his chest as he turns on the shower. He especially feels it when he catches a glimpse of the horrifying bite mark that he somehow didn't notice earlier. But beyond that, hearing Jake laugh at his existential dread, having Jake squeeze his hand, carefully shampooing Jake’s hair, having soft kisses planted against his collarbone and finally getting to hug him again after months and months, eases that guilt a little bit. 

Just a little bit.