Chapter Text
Seungmin had always been careful about love.
It was hard for him to build new relationships. He preferred to keep his friend circle small and constant, resistant to the idea of change, and growing up, Seungmin had been convinced that falling in love would be the same. That he would be cautious with his love, careful about who he would give it to, diligent about finding his perfect match. He kept that attitude up all throughout high school, laughing when his friends teased him for being a prude, refusing to entertain even the idea of crushes as he studied diligently to get into the best university in the country.
The downside of getting into the university of his dreams meant moving far away from home, far from his family and his close circle of friends, but Seungmin wasn’t one to be dissuaded by such adversity. He was determined to get the best education he could for himself, and it was only here, studying with the brightest minds amongst his peers, that he believed he would find the love he’d been waiting for.
Someone who would be kind and patient, someone who would light up his days with inexplicable joy and build a beautiful love story with him.
Seungmin quickly learned how wrong he was about that.
Love came at Seungmin hard, smacking him in the face the first day of classes at university, when he watched his professor walk into his Intro to Music Theory class and every nerve in his body lit up with desire.
Professor Bang Chan wasn’t even that hot, Seungmin tried to tell himself, as he watched the professor introduce himself and go over the course syllabus. He was a pale man of average height, bags under his eyes, a beanie on his head to hide his messy curly hair, dressed in a large hoodie over black shorts. He looked more like an exhausted senior than a professor, and yet Seungmin listened with rapt attention as Professor Bang slowly grew more alert the longer he talked, his passion for music radiating from his voice so charismatically that it made Seungmin’s knees feel weak.
Seungmin spent the rest of the day trying to convince himself that it was all a fluke. It was just his hormones acting up because he was lonely and adjusting to life on his own in a new environment, and there were at least a dozen reasons why it was simply wrong for Seungmin to be lusting after his own professor.
But then the next class, Professor Bang came walking in dressed in a full suit and tie, the sleeves of his jacket hugging his arm muscles a little too tight, the top few buttons of his shirt left undone to expose his chiseled chest, his black hair gelled back stylishly, his eyes emphasized by eyeliner and smoky eyeshadow, and his plump lips red with a sheen of lip gloss.
“Sorry everyone, class is going to be cut short today. I have to go meet with the dean because he’s trying to defund the music department. Again,” Professor Bang sighed with a roll of his eyes, his anger just barely showing through his expression before he launched into his lecture.
Seungmin didn’t hear a word of it. He went home that day and dreamt of being pushed down roughly onto his bed by his professor, of messing up his professor’s perfect hair with his hands, of moaning his professor’s name as he left a trail of red lipstick all the way down Seungmin’s naked body before fucking Seungmin until he saw stars.
He didn’t mean to fail their first pop quiz two weeks later, but he really regretted it now, as he sat uncomfortably in Professor Bang’s office, watching as his professor looked over Seungmin’s almost blank paper.
“Seungmin, is everything okay?”
Seungmin nodded, still not daring to look up at the professor despite the genuine concern he could hear in his voice.
Seungmin had blanked out during the pop quiz in class just now, struggling to pull any of the concepts he’d studied so hard for out of his muddled brain.
Instead, all he could think about was how hot his professor was looking today, dressed in an oversized flannel and tight jeans that hugged his legs in all the right places. It had taken Seungmin’s everything to keep his mouth shut as he fought against the desperate whine that was trying to escape his throat and the growing erection in his pants, until the sound of Professor Bang’s voice telling them they had a minute left snapped Seungmin back to reality. In the end, out of shame, all he could write down was an “I’m sorry” next to his name, guessing randomly on the multiple choice questions and leaving all the written questions blank, and now here he was in Professor Bang’s office, having failed a quiz for the first time in his life.
“I understand that university is a big adjustment, so if there’s anything troubling you, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me, okay?” the professor offered kindly, and Seungmin could only nod again, his emotions twisted in his chest, grateful for the kindness and yet ashamed to be receiving it at all.
“Anyways, you seem like a smart kid, Seungmin, and it’s only the first quiz of the semester, so I’m going to let you retake it,” Professor Bang said, as he crumbled up Seungmin’s failed quiz and pulled a new quiz towards him. “I don’t want to encourage this behavior from you though, so even if you do ace the makeup exam, the highest grade I can give you is going to be a D.”
“Wait, what?” Seungmin’s head finally snapped up to look at his professor, reality finally dawning on him. “Professor, please, I know I messed up today, but I swear, I really do know the material. I don’t know what came over me today, but I promise it won’t happen again. I’ve never gotten less than an A before in my schoolwork, and I can’t afford to let this affect my scholarship. Please, you have to understand.”
“Seungmin, I do understand. I’m a perfectionist too, but you failed the quiz, and my job here is to make sure you’re learning, not that you get good grades,” Professor Bang sighed, looking at Seungmin with pity. “It’s only the first quiz, so if you do well on everything else in the class, you can still get an A.”
Seungmin didn’t know what came over him.
He scrambled out of his seat, pleading as he fell to his knees in front of his professor.
“I know it’s silly, I know you must think I’m being stupid, but please, I can’t get a bad grade on this quiz. I’ll do anything, so please, you have to give me another chance.”
Seungmin gulped as he finished, his breath ragged from his desperation. He had imagined this moment before, begging at Professor Bang’s feet, but in his dreams he’d been begging the professor for sex, not for a chance to get a good grade on a quiz that didn’t matter. It probably made him look pathetic in the professor’s eyes, who was still staring at Seungmin with a stunned look of shock, but Seungmin really couldn’t bear the idea of failing anything related to his academics. It was a feeling that meant more to him than anything else in that moment, even if a tiny part of him did hope that Professor Bang was into the idea of tormenting pitiful students begging for their grades.
Seungmin’s hopes weren’t unfounded.
Maybe it was the trick of the light, but Seungmin thought he saw the bulge in Professor Bang’s pants grow. When his eyes flicked back up to meet the professor’s eyes, there was a dark look in Professor Bang’s eyes now, narrowed and calculating in the way he stared at Seungmin, and Seungmin realized that Professor Bang must have seen the way Seungmin’s eyes had glanced at his crotch, the way Seungmin had wet his lips with desire.
The professor shifted in his seat. He leaned forward, his arms resting on his legs, his hands crossed loosely between them. He towered over Seungmin completely, his face now just inches from Seungmin’s own as he stared down at Seungmin who was doing everything he could not to panic.
“I’m starting to think you failed this quiz on purpose with ulterior motives,” Professor Bang said quietly, his voice low and sultry as he tilted his head to one side, trapping Seungmin’s gaze in his own.
“I… I didn’t fail the quiz on purpose, I swear it,” Seungmin stammered, his voice catching in his throat. Professor Bang raised an eyebrow at him, like he didn’t completely believe Seungmin, and it was hot, so hot in the professor’s office now that Seungmin couldn’t help but squirm under his gaze. His legs were starting to grow numb from where he was still kneeling on the floor, and the discomfort of it all, in his legs, in his stomach, in his brain, all of it suddenly meant nothing compared to the growing hardness in his own pants.
Seungmin gulped. He wet his lips once again, watched the way Professor Bang’s eyes followed the movement of his tongue across them, and let his voice come out in a breathless whisper.
“I may have an ulterior motive though,” Seungmin admitted, his voice shaking, powerless under the professor’s dark, hungry gaze.
He wondered how Professor Bang would react.
Would he continue to sit there menacingly, waiting for Seungmin to succumb to his thirst and make him beg for what he desired?
Would he push Seungmin into the wall and smirk at his helplessness, torment Seungmin until he was fully erect just from being manhandled by an older man?
Professor Bang did none of those things.
Instead, a laugh bubbled up from his throat, a soft smile blooming across Professor Bang’s lips as his gaze turned inexplicably fond, leaving Seungmin with butterflies in his stomach, scattering away all the dark fantasies he’d had of the professor until they were replaced by the beautiful, innocent image of his smile.
“You’re lucky you’re cute, Seungmin,” Professor Bang whispered, causing Seungmin’s heart to thump loudly in his chest, before he gripped Seungmin by the chin and pulled him in, ensnaring his lips in a kiss.
Seungmin lost his virginity in Chan’s office that day.
He had the feeling it wasn’t the first time Chan had accepted sexual favors from his students. There had been a familiarity in which Chan pulled out a condom and lube from an easily accessible drawer, an ease in which he cleared his desk and laid Seungmin down on top of it, kissing Seungmin to muffle his moans as Chan fucked him senseless on top of his office desk.
Nonetheless, it’d felt so euphoric that Seungmin hadn’t even the brainpower to think about the shame of what he’d done, as he made his way back to his studio apartment just off campus, barely even able to walk. He fumbled for his keys, desperate now to take a hot shower and to collapse on his bed in exhaustion, when he heard a voice call out to him from down the hall.
“Hey, Seungmin! You’re back late today. Did you have a good day?”
Seungmin was already smiling as he looked up towards the voice that had called out to him.
Hyunjin, his next door neighbor, was there, smiling at him so sweetly like always as he came out of the stairwell into the hall. Hyunjin was the only other person who lived on the floor of Seungmin’s apartment building, a student in the same year as Seungmin in university, though they had yet to have any overlapping classes together. They’d met each other during orientation, where Seungmin had learned that Hyunjin was also from Seungmin’s hometown, and the longing for home had let Seungmin open his heart easily to his new friend and quickly build up a friendly rapport with his neighbor.
“Hi Hyunjin, I had a good day, thanks,” Seungmin smiled back, supposing it had indeed been a good day, if only unconventionally so. “How was yours?”
“It’s great, now that I’ve gotten to see you,” Hyunjin teased, walking up to Seungmin with a skip in his step, the plastic bag in his hand swinging in the air, filled with snacks and drinks from the convenience store downstairs. “I bought some snacks for us to share later.”
Hyunjin paused in front of Seungmin, frowning a little as he stared, and he suddenly asked, “Are you sure you’re okay? You look a little pale.”
Hyunjin reached a hand out, as if to brush away Seungmin’s bangs to check the temperature of his forehead. Seungmin immediately backed away from Hyunjin’s approach, not wanting Hyunjin to touch his still sweat stained hair. He suddenly felt extremely self-conscious of the fact that he was standing there, talking to Hyunjin like normal despite having just lost his virginity to his professor barely an hour before. His body probably still smelled of Chan’s sweat mixed with his own despite Chan’s gentle aftercare as he cleaned Seungmin’s body with a towel, and the shame hit Seungmin all at once as he mumbled, “Sorry, I was studying all day yesterday and today, so I think I’m just exhausted. I really need a nap now, so I’ll catch up with you some other time, Hyunjin.”
Hyunjin didn’t respond, just smiled and nodded thoughtfully as he took a step back from Seungmin and left him alone in the hallway with a wave. Seungmin unlocked his door and stumbled into his apartment, feeling guilty for lying to his first new friend, but he couldn’t bear the thought of Hyunjin seeing him look like such a mess.
Seungmin was supposed to be a straight-laced, diligent student after all. Someone who cared only about his grades and the small circle of friends he had that was currently just made up of Hyunjin in university. He was strict with his habits, punctual with his schedules, and dedicated more than anything else to living a proper, respectable life.
Except now, Seungmin was a mess. There was no other way to describe it. The exhaustion after his shower was enough to send Seungmin straight to sleep, but now that he’d gotten a taste of his dreams in reality, his desires only seemed to grow.
It was made worse by the fact that Chan, who had let Seungmin call him by his first name as he fucked him (“It’s more intimate, right?” Chan had whispered in Seungmin’s ear, sending shivers down his spine as he let the older man finger him open), Chan was clearly content to pretend that nothing had happened at all. He smiled more warmly now at Seungmin whenever he saw him in class, offered kind, considerate feedback on Seungmin’s homework when he went to see Chan in his office hours, but otherwise seemed oblivious to the longing in Seungmin’s eyes as he stared at Chan, remembering how the professor had laid him out on his desk and opened him up so carefully and lovingly when Seungmin had tearfully admitted it was his first time having sex. Chan was nice, too nice, even though a part of him must have taken delight in seeing a straight-laced student come undone in his hands, and Seungmin was worried that Chan wouldn’t take too kindly to Seungmin if he went on his knees begging for more without a good reason, so he’d kept his mouth shut, waiting for the right time to strike.
It was why Seungmin found himself in Chan’s office again after their second pop quiz, sitting once again in that uncomfortable chair as he watched Chan stare down at Seungmin’s blank answer sheet. There was no make up on his face this time, just heavy eye bags and an unruly head of black curly hair, before Chan pressed a hand to his forehead in exasperation.
“Seungmin, I thought you promised not to fail another quiz again,” Chan said, glancing over at Seungmin who shifted his eyes to stare down at his feet, feeling strangely guilty even though this time, he had indeed failed on purpose.
“I’m sorry,” Seungmin said, “but I didn’t know what else to do.”
It was silent for a moment, before Chan’s laughter rang quietly in his office. He moved to sit down next to Seungmin, tilting Seungmin’s chin up to look in his eyes as Chan smiled, “Were you really that eager to have sex with me again?”
Seungmin gulped, trying not to let the hope welling up in his chest show on his face, but it was squashed when Chan let go of his chin and said, “I’m sorry, Seungmin, but by principle, I won’t sleep with a student more than once. I don’t want you to get in the habit of asking for sex from me like this, so I’m afraid I can’t give you what you’re asking for this time.”
Seungmin deflated visibly, hanging his head, realizing it might be time for him to give up once and for all, but then Chan spoke again, lighting the hope in his chest once more.
“You’re the first person to come asking me for more so boldly though, so tell you what. I’ll let you retake the quiz again and give you an appropriate grade based on how you do, and if you do well, I’ll give you a reward.”
Seungmin’s ears perked up at the word “reward”, but he had to pause when Chan’s response was simply to laugh.
“Your reactions are quite honest, Seungmin. I don’t dislike that, but no, I’m not offering to have sex with you again,” Chan said, his eyes watching Seungmin fondly even as Seungmin frowned in confusion. “I was hoping to offer you something else though, that maybe we can enjoy together.”
“What is it?”
Chan’s smile grew, so fond, so gentle, so loving that it was enough to pull Seungmin out of the haze of his desire as he basked in the warmth of Chan’s affection.
“Let me take you out on a date, Seungmin. I want to get to know you, outside of just being my student.”
Seungmin aced the quiz as expected, and he was on cloud nine when Chan packed up his bags and took Seungmin out for lunch. They ate in a casual restaurant some distance away from campus where no one would recognize them, and time passed faster than Seungmin could imagine, as they moved on from lunch to a smaller cafe for drinks and dessert, and then from the cafe to dinner in a nice restaurant, where Chan treated Seungmin to a decadent three course meal.
Seungmin learned so much about Chan over the course of the day. That he had taken an accelerated course in university to get his masters in just five years and not six, that he’d been hired back to teach at the university soon after graduating and was on track to become the next music department head, that he was only eight years older than Seungmin, younger than Seungmin had expected but still more mature than Seungmin had thought. Chan was surprisingly easy to fluster, when Seungmin revealed that he’d looked up all of Chan’s released music and sung him praises until Chan was red in the face, hiding his face with his hands as he begged for Seungmin to stop. Seungmin hadn’t been able to resist leaning in to kiss the tips of Chan’s fingers until they finally came away from Chan’s pretty, blushing face, delighted that he could make his professor look this way, wishing he would be the only one who would ever see it.
Seungmin answered all of Chan’s questions earnestly too as they shared a table in the cafe, his iced americano left untouched beside Chan’s glass of pineapple juice, both of them too busy lost in conversation with each other. He explained that he’d moved to this university, far away from home, pausing briefly to admit how difficult of an adjustment it had been to his new environment, mentioning Hyunjin, his only new friend, and his role in helping Seungmin find comfort in his new schedule, and glancing at Chan again too, as Seungmin admitted how much his life had since been consumed by his bottomless desire for Chan’s love. Chan had laughed in a way that showed he was taking Seungmin seriously despite his bemusement. He reached out to pat Seungmin on the head, his large hand so warm as it traveled from the top of Seungmin’s head to his cheek, like he’d seen through Seungmin, like he understood, like a part of him felt the same too, and Seungmin felt himself falling deeper into the endless mystery in Chan’s eyes, wishing he alone could be the one to understand him.
When Chan asked later during dinner what Seungmin wanted to do after university, as he helped Seungmin cut up a piece of steak and fed it to him, Seungmin shyly talked too, about all the hopes and dreams he had for his future, of becoming a singer-songwriter who would one day manage his own company of artists, and Chan had teased him then, lovingly, as he held Seungmin’s hands in his and laughed, “I think you’d be an amazing singer. Your voice is already so beautiful, especially when you’re moaning my name.”
Seungmin flushed red. He didn’t know why Chan could make him feel this way so easily, so hot and bothered all over just from a flirtatious comment. Chan had already seen him naked, had kissed and fucked Seungmin until he couldn’t breathe on top of his desk, and Seungmin was still here, blushing from some teasing words, everything he’d believed about love completely overthrown since the day he first laid eyes on his professor.
Chan walked him home after dinner, their stomaches full and their bodies warm from the delicious meal. He lingered in front of Seungmin’s apartment door as Seungmin fumbled with the lock, his hands shaking from the nerves as he pushed open his door and remained frozen in his doorway, staring at Chan, searching for a sign that he could hope for something more.
When Chan remained stubbornly in the hallway despite making no attempt to leave, Seungmin took it upon himself to ask, “Would you like to come in?”
Chan hesitated. It seemed like he really did mean it, when he said he only slept with his students once, but Chan had been the one to offer to take Seungmin on a date, had spent the whole day with him, chatting and laughing and looking at Seungmin like he was falling in love, and now that Seungmin was finally thinking clearly, now that he wasn’t just looking at Chan with lust, he desperately wanted Chan to say yes.
Before Chan could answer however, a door opened to Seungmin’s left, and a familiar voice called out to him, so kind, so soft, but so unwelcome in this moment.
“Oh Seungmin, you’re back! I was just about to go and buy some snacks for our study session later…” Hyunjin trailed off as his eyes fell on Chan, who looked away. “Who’s this?”
Seungmin wet his lips. He gripped the frame of his doorway a little harder and spoke up before Chan could open his lips.
“This is Chan. He’s a music student a couple years above us, and I asked him to come tutor me today,” Seungmin lied. He felt sick lying to Hyunjin like this, but he couldn’t help but want to be with Chan more, so he turned to Hyunjin apologetically and continued, “I’m sorry, Hyunjin, I’ve been really behind in my music theory class, so is it okay if we push our study session off to another day?”
Hyunjin stared at Chan, looking suspicious as Chan offered him a polite smile, but his gaze was nothing but kind again when he looked back at Seungmin and nodded.
“That’s fine, Seungmin. Good luck with your tutoring session. I know your music theory class is important to you.”
Hyunjin returned to his apartment, shutting his door closed firmly behind him. Seungmin couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief, before his eyes turned back to Chan, who had a strange glint in his eyes, as he studied Seungmin’s expression carefully.
“You’re that eager to get me in your apartment?” Chan whispered, leaning in closer to Seungmin, his lips curling up into a smirk as he remained a calculated distance away, close enough to leave Seungmin wanting more, far enough that he was just barely out of Seungmin’s reach.
“You’ll come in, right?” Seungmin asked breathlessly, taking a step back into his apartment, hoping Chan would follow. “Hyunjin might get suspicious if you don’t.”
“Then how can I refuse?” Chan smiled back, and he stepped inside, letting the door to Seungmin’s apartment swing shut behind him.
Seungmin’s heart was thundering in his chest now, as he carefully took off his shoes and made his way deeper into his studio apartment. Everything was neat and tidy like always, a testament to the strict schedule Seungmin kept to in his life, and yet here he was, letting in a man who threatened to knock it all down with a force he couldn’t reckon with, as Chan trailed behind Seungmin, taking the time to look around at Seungmin’s room.
“You have a nice place,” Chan said, small talk to break the silence. “I feel a little bad intruding on you like this.”
“You don’t have to be,” Seungmin replied, “because I’m the one who invited you in.”
Seungmin gulped as he sat down forcibly on the edge of his bed. He knew that Chan’s eyes were on him, watching like a wolf ready to pounce on its prey, as he slowly pulled his sweater up over his head and cast it aside on the floor carelessly, the first imperfection in Seungmin’s perfectly neat room.
“What’s this? I thought I was here to tutor you for music theory, but it looks like you’re asking me to tutor you for something else instead,” Chan teased, as he stood over Seungmin, still perfectly composed, watching the way Seungmin’s hands shook as they tried to unbutton his own shirt. After a few more failed attempts, Chan knelt down in front of Seungmin and began to tenderly unbutton Seungmin’s shirt for him, until his entire chest was now naked and exposed to the hunger growing in Chan’s eyes, like he was already imagining how he’d strip off the rest of Seungmin’s clothes.
Chan had the sense to glance over at the wall behind Seungmin, the wall that connected Seungmin’s apartment to Hyunjin’s.
“Are you sure you want me like this?” Chan asked, his voice low and soothing as he gently pushed Seungmin onto his back. “It’s not my fault if your friend hears us after what I’m about to do to you.”
Seungmin gulped. He nodded his head, letting his bangs fall into his eyes as he breathed out, “It’s okay. My apartment’s pretty sound proof. Hyunjin’s never complained when I play music too loud, and I’ve never heard him make any noise from his apartment either.”
Chan grinned, taking Seungmin’s word for it. He pulled off his shirt in one swift motion, and Seungmin was left gaping at the muscles in Chan’s exposed chest, as he climbed onto the bed on top of Seungmin. Chan hadn’t taken off his clothes the last time, had barely unzipped his pants while leaving Seungmin a panting, naked mess on top of his desk, and Seungmin’s arousal suddenly kicked into overdrive, as the man of his dreams slowly stripped fully nude in front of him.
“That’s a beautiful expression you have on your face, Seungmin,” Chan said, as he slowly pushed Seungmin’s arms above his head, trapping them in place with just one hand. “I want to hear your voice, so don’t hold back on me today, okay?”
Seungmin had barely nodded when Chan slipped his other hand down the front of Seungmin’s pants. Seungmin gasped loudly at the contact, a shiver running down his spine as Chan pressed his hand harder against Seungmin’s growing erection through his underwear.
Chan was leaning down again, whispering into his ear in that low and sultry voice, “Go on, I want to hear you say my name like you mean it,” and Seungmin couldn’t help it.
He loved the way Chan made him feel, loved the way it tore down all his walls and left him raw with nothing but desire burning in his chest, so who was Seungmin to disobey, as he moaned out Chan’s name for all to hear, louder and louder as Chan’s touch molded Seungmin’s body into the shape of his desire, until Seungmin’s throat was hoarse from screaming Chan’s name and all that was left in Seungmin was love.
It was the first time in weeks that Seungmin had slept peacefully.
Chan had taken care of him so gently after making a mess of him in bed, wiping Seungmin’s body down with a wet towel and helping him into the shower, where they continued to exchange lazy kisses while Chan washed Seungmin’s body clean. Seungmin had almost been tempted to ask Chan to stay the rest of the night, wishing he could learn what it felt to have Chan’s warm and steady presence beside him as he drifted off to sleep, but he let Chan leave, satisfied by the fond goodbye and tender kiss on the forehead that Chan had left him with instead.
As he drifted off to sleep, snuggled in the brand new sheets that Chan had helped put on his bed, the dirty ones now thrown in the laundry to be washed another day, Seungmin was finally content.
He dreamed of the warmth of Chan’s hands in his, the ticklish feeling of Chan’s curls in his face, the strong reassurance of Chan’s arms wrapped around him, pulling him to Chan’s chest, filling him with the comfort of home.
He woke up the next day dreaming of a future with Chan, imagining already what they could do for their next date. The sun was bright as he left his apartment, his spirits high as he met Hyunjin in the hall and walked to university with his friend by his side, smiling so warmly at Seungmin like he was so glad to see Seungmin in such a good mood.
Seungmin wondered how Hyunjin would react, if he were to tell his friend that he was only so happy because his professor loved him, and he realized he didn’t care.
He didn’t care anymore, that others might think it inappropriate for him to be dating his professor.
Seungmin was in love, so deeply, inexplicably in love, and that was all that mattered.
So when he went to his next music theory class and Chan looked at him with such disdain when he tried to wave and say hello, Seungmin felt his heart shatter.
“Chan, did I do something wrong?” Seungmin had practically begged when he followed Chan to his office after class, wondering why the image of Chan’s back to him was now so cold.
“That’s Professor Bang to you,” was all Chan had to say, as he opened his office door and finally turned to look at Seungmin from the doorway. His voice was cold and commanding as he spoke, sending an unpleasant shiver down Seungmin’s spine as Seungmin stared back at the man he thought had loved him. “I had a lapse in judgment yesterday, and it won’t happen again. If you’re not here to ask for help with your work, then I’m afraid I’m going to need you to leave.”
Chan didn’t let Seungmin linger long in his office, no matter how much Seungmin tried to demand an answer for why he was being pushed away, and the door to Chan’s office shut in his face, the harshness of Chan’s words still ringing in his ears as they carved a hole out of his chest until it was hollow.
The walk home left Seungmin numb from head to toe.
He had been so convinced that Chan loved him. So sure he’d seen the spark of true love in Chan’s eyes as he helped Seungmin clean up the mess they’d made and kissed Seungmin goodbye last night.
So what had Seungmin done wrong? What had he done to deserve such heartless words from someone he had once thought was so kind?
Seungmin didn’t know the answers to his questions, didn’t know if he wanted them, but when he finally returned to the warmth of his apartment, Seungmin paused in front of the washing machine and looked inside.
The dirty sheets from last night were still sitting inside, waiting to be washed. He pulled them out of the machine, gathered them up into a ball, and without thinking, Seungmin pressed his face into the sheets.
The musky, vanilla smell of Chan’s scent filled his nose, squeezed through every crevice of Seungmin’s body until he was sinking to his knees, hard before he even hit the floor. The memories were flooding back now, as Seungmin pushed the sheets into his open mouth, greedily breathing in the scent of Chan’s perfume, sucking at the sweat and cum stains left behind by Chan’s pleasure.
Chan had entered Seungmin raw last night. He had filled Seungmin up so fully that Seungmin’s head had still been dizzy with pleasure when Chan finally pulled out, his cum spilling out of Seungmin and onto the sheets while Seungmin’s legs remained spread wide open for Chan, now sticky with the proof that Seungmin belonged only to him.
Chan had taken a moment to marvel at the sight before him, was still looking at Seungmin with such appraising eyes of worship when Seungmin finally recovered from his daze, before he reached down to kiss the inside of Seungmin’s thigh, his mouth working all the way down to where his thigh met his hip, then upwards again, from his belly button, to his chest, to his neck, and finally to his mouth.
“I love you, Seungmin,” Chan had whispered into Seungmin’s lips, and Seungmin had swallowed it up greedily, had groaned out his love for Chan back, until they were grinding against each other again, muted moans exchanged in each other’s mouths as they kissed, coming together for a second time in unison as if to consummate the declaration of their love.
That same Chan had just slammed his office door in Seungmin’s face, calling it all a mistake, leaving Seungmin there in the empty hall to pick the pieces of his heart off the floor.
And yet here Seungmin was, still hot from the memory of Chan’s touch. Each breath he took filled with Chan’s scent left him desperate for sexual release, left him fantasizing about the aroused way Chan would surely look at him, if he could only just see how Seungmin was still a slave to Chan’s pleasure.
Was he really so depraved? To be so wet with desire for a man who had just pulled his heart out of his chest and crushed it beneath his feet?
Seungmin choked on the fabric in his mouth as a sob escaped his throat, tears mixing with the remnants of his shame as he began grinding down into the floor, one hand squeezing down on his growing erection.
His body craved the feeling of Chan’s touch. Wanted his hands gripping his hips and his teeth biting down on his skin. Wanted his cock to fill his hole that felt so empty now without it.
Seungmin hated it. Hated that he felt this way. Hated that he couldn’t control it. Each fantasy playing back in his mind was just another dagger into his heart, tearing it apart further into pieces each time his body twitched with pleasure, and Seungmin had to scream.
He didn’t know how much time had passed while Seungmin remained trapped between his lust and heartbreak, but the sound of knocking cut Seungmin off mid-scream.
He didn’t dare to move, breathing heavily into the sheets still pressed in his face, hoping whoever was at the door would go away, but the knocking grew more persistent.
“Seungmin? Are you in there? I promised I’d buy you dinner, remember?”
It was Hyunjin’s voice. So cheerful, so light-hearted, so innocent.
Seungmin did remember what Hyunjin was talking about. They’d walked together to university this morning so happily, hand in hand because Hyunjin loved the physical contact, and Hyunjin had offered to buy Seungmin dinner, giggling as he waved goodbye to Seungmin and said, “I don’t know what happened, but you finally look alive again!”
Seungmin had felt so giddy as he waved back, promising himself that one day he’d find the courage to tell Hyunjin about his secret love, and now even those hopes and dreams had been ripped to shreds like they’d meant nothing.
Hyunjin was knocking again, like he was worried Seungmin hadn’t heard him, and Seungmin felt sick. He dreaded the idea that Hyunjin might see him like this, but he couldn’t move from where he was on the floor, could only hope that Hyunjin would think he wasn’t home and go looking for him somewhere else.
Instead, the handle of his door turned with a squeak.
“Huh, he doesn’t usually leave it unlocked.”
Seungmin didn’t even have the time to panic as his apartment door was pushed open and the sound of Hyunjin’s voice flooded his apartment, saying, “Well, if he’s not home, he probably won’t mind if I just leave these snacks on the table for… him.”
The door to Seungmin’s apartment swung shut with a thud. For a moment, there was just silence, as Seungmin curled up on himself, burying his face deeper into the sheets until his head was on the floor, before all of a sudden, there was the sound of a plastic bag full of bottles hitting the floor.
Hyunjin’s footsteps were hurried as he ran to Seungmin, collapsing to his knees beside Seungmin’s curled up figure as he placed a gentle hand on Seungmin’s back, his voice panicked but gentle as he asked, “Seungmin? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
The sound of Hyunjin’s voice felt like a salve for Seungmin’s broken soul. He tried to open his mouth to speak, wanted to tell Hyunjin that he was okay, but all that came out was a sob, as Seungmin finally pushed himself off the floor to face Hyunjin with tears staining his blotched cheeks.
“Hyunjin,” Seungmin choked out, the name of his friend flowing so naturally from his mouth, and yet so tainted by the ugliness ripping apart Seungmin’s soul. “Hyunjin, I think there’s something wrong with me.”
Hyunjin didn’t say a word. He just reached his arms out and scooted closer to pull Seungmin deep into his embrace, until Seungmin’s entire body was enveloped in the warmth of his friend’s love, holding him together until his heart stopped feeling like it was being chipped away. Seungmin cried harder into Hyunjin’s warmth, shaking as Hyunjin held him tight, one arm around Seungmin’s body, the other cradling his head so that Seungmin could bury his face into the softness of Hyunjin’s sweater.
“It’s okay,” Hyunjin was whispering, running his hand gently through Seungmin’s hair as he nuzzled his face against the side of Seungmin’s head. “It’s okay, Seungmin. I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you, so take your time.”
Seungmin wrapped his arms around Hyunjin’s back, clinging to Hyunjin like his life depended on it as the hole in his chest slowly filled with Hyunjin’s love, plugging the holes that still leaked with Seungmin’s tainted desire.
For a moment, in the warm haze of Hyunjin’s body, Seungmin finally felt awake, like everything had just been a dream, had just been a nightmare.
Nothing mattered to Seungmin anymore. Nothing but the soft comfort of Hyunjin’s embrace, as Hyunjin whispered soothing words in Seungmin’s ear and coaxed the truth out from Seungmin’s lips, holding him close no matter how tainted the truths falling from Seungmin’s mouth were, reassuring Seungmin that it was fine, that it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of, that it would all heal and pass in time.
Seungmin had almost forgotten, but it was here in Hyunjin’s arms that he’d first felt safe, when Hyunjin had hugged him so excitedly upon realizing his new friend was also going to be his neighbor. Seungmin didn’t know why he’d spiraled so out of control once classes started, why he’d been so close to leaving Hyunjin behind for the sake of something as fickle as love, but as Seungmin held onto Hyunjin, his exhaustion finally pulling him into the lulls of sleep, Seungmin knew he would never forget the warmth of his friend’s embrace again.
Because here, in Hyunjin’s arms, this was the only place left he could call home.