Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

george's character is crouched on screen as he builds the foundation of his new house that he wanted to finish a few days ago but never did. he's been surprisingly busy with streaming and such recently, and it's rare that he has time to come on their little private realm - free of any roleplay or drama.

it's peaceful, but george doesn't ever really try to embrace that feeling. he doesn't like embracing any feelings, really, because then he gets this desire to communicate them and he can't.

it's not really important though. it's not like he doesn't have emotions just because he doesn't talk about them. they're still there, just... muted.

every high and every low feels like it's being held underwater, unable to release its full potential. every laugh is strangled, every tear is caught before it can fall. it all just feels unnatural to him, for some reason.

"i thought you were going to build us a train station."

george continues building across from one pillar to the other, partially distracted by the swirling of his own turbulent thoughts. "i'm going to but i wanna finish my house first," he explains to the blond. "i was going to do it last night but sap regressed and i was too busy with him."

he uncrouches, jumping down from the pillar and entering the shell of his future house to get more wood from the chest. george thinks they should seriously consider adding a tree-cutting mod.

"regressed?"

george initially hums in confirmation to the static voice that cracks through his headphones. then, barely half a second later, reality crashes on him and his body tenses, eyes widening and thoughts flushing away as he turns to look at the discord.

punz's discord icon flashes back in the vc.

"like, age regression?" the blond asks.

george just stares at the moving green ring as the other boy talks, and something tight curls in his chest, squeezing around his heart. his brain rushes with excuses, trying to explain his behaviour to himself. did he forget who he was talking to? did he think punz already knew?

"george?"

the brunette exits out of minecraft, ignoring punz's following question as he quickly drags his mouse to the adjacent monitor and exits the call.

fuck.

the brunette pushes back away from his desk, still in his chair, and drops his head into his hands.

fuck, fuck, fuck.

he was just so comfortable in the quiet call, building and existing with someone he loves, he wasn't thinking. it was like his brain switched off for the first time ever, and now he has fucked everything.

shit.

the sound of a sharp intake of breath startles george, even more so when he realises it was his own, which prompts him to notice the tightness in his lungs and the spots in his vision.

he takes another deep breath, sitting upright against the back of his gaming seat.

shit shit shit.

his knee begins to bounce on the spot, an anxious tick that he managed to stop years ago now, when a teacher at school asked him about it and he realised that she wanted him to talk about his feelings. george does just about anything he can to avoid those conversations, because they make him feel so viscerally uncomfortable, even if it means changing characteristics that he's had since he was barely a teen.

fucking shit.

he pushes up onto his feet, notices the shake in his legs, and sits back down.

what the fuck is he supposed to do?

it's so selfish of him to think of himself in this scenario, but he can't help but ponder for a solution that doesn't involve him baring his heart to someone: talking about his emotions, or how sorry he is, or how guilty he feels.

but it isn't possible. this isn't something he can avoid.

sapnap opened up to them about something huge last week and that has taken up so much of george's thoughts, he sort of forgot that the ravenette's regression was a secret too. it just seems like such a small thing compared to the other's trauma, since it's almost normal to them all now. now he's forced with the painful truth that it is a secret, one that the ravenette spent years trying to tell them, one that george just handed out at the drop of a hat without thought.

and it's so much worse because punz knew what it meant. maybe if he was clueless, george could've improvised some sort of elaborate lie to cover it - maybe he should've tried to do that anyway, but it's too late now.

regret douses him like cold water, and he sucks in another shaky breath and tries to force himself out of the past. there's no point trying to think over what he could've done differently. it's too late now.

damage control.

in a logical sense, george has always been good at fixing difficult situations. he almost always has a solution, and he considers himself good at giving advice.

not when it includes feelings.

in an emotional sense, george is absolutely clueless. if he could approach this with a straight head and fix the problem like a puzzle, it would be fine. but he can't. there are too many strings involved, and it's worse because some of those strings belong to him.

fuck.

how did punz know what it is anyway?

he didn't sound judgemental, which is good, but that is hardly going to make sapnap feel better about his coping mechanisms being exposed.

he looks at his dms and sees that there are none from the blond. what if he went straight to sapnap? what if he called the ravenette and already told him what george has done? what if, while he sits here overthinking, sapnap has already begun to hate him?

fuck!

george forces himself quickly up out of his chair and rushes down the hallway without a second thought, almost tripping over his own feet in an attempt to get there before punz can drop the bomb.

he doesn't even knock as he flings open sapnap's bedroom door and practically falls through it, his breathing still jagged from the unexpected emotions that burn through him. emotions which he refuses to acknowledge, because he hates them.

sapnap shoots up in shock at the intrusion, sitting up in his bed with wide eyes and red cheeks. "what happened?" he asks, seeming just as frantic as george feels.

so he doesn't know yet.

the brit tries to take a breath but it catches in his throat so he coughs it back out. "i'm so sorry," he blurts to preface, wanting the apology out there before he explains, so sapnap can go into this knowing that he is regretful.

the younger boy looks shocked for a moment, clearly not expecting the apology, since they are so rare from george, but then darkness morphs his features when he realises that this means it's something serious.

sorrow plants itself in george's gut and he feels sick, looking at the anxiety that marks his best friend's gentle features.

"i told punz."

sapnap sits up somehow even straighter than he already had, and his expression falls so blank that it's impossible for george to read anything from it.

"about your regression," he confesses, trying not to let any stray emotions slip into his tone. he doesn't want sapnap to feel bad for him, that would just affect sapnap's ability to make a fair judgement about how he feels. he shouldn't be forced to get over it because george is upset. "i'm so sorry, i wasn't thinking."

sapnap's shoulders relax slightly, but his expression remains eerily emotionless. george can see a reflection of himself in the untelling lines.

is this how he looks to everyone else, a blank slate in the face of adversity?

"i didn't tell him anything else," george adds, because he would understand why sapnap might assume that. "and i didn't even really say anything about the regression, i just said you were regressed but i didn't say what it meant or anything. when i realised what i'd said i just left the call."

sapnap nods slowly, and the gentle action is comforting to george. he's not screaming or crying or freaking out - at least, not on the outside. surely that's a good sign?

"what did he say?"

george swallows the lump in his throat, and it actually takes him a moment to remember. "he asked if i meant age regression. he must already know what it is, because i swear i only said you regressed."

"did he seem like...?" sapnap shrugs, seemingly unable to voice the end of his question.

george actually thinks it through, not wanting to lie, and then shakes his head. "he didn't seem like judgemental or anything. he asked like... like it was just another thing, you know? like, oh is sapnap eating dinner? sapnap likes green tea? sapnap age regressed?"

the ravenette's throat bobs on a swallow as he nods slowly. "okay, well... i guess that's okay then."

george deflates, his arms hanging aimlessly by his sides. "it is?"

sapnap shrugs. "i wanted him to know anyway so i guess this is easier..." he looks at george with a small, unsure smile. "if he seemed okay with it, i guess there's nothing to worry about."

george nods along, trying to convince himself of the same thing.

"plus he needed to know sooner or later if-" sapnap cuts himself off abruptly, his eyes going wide.

george squints back at the strange behaviour. "if what?"

"nothing," the ravenette dismisses with a wave.

george doesn't want to pry. sapnap clearly doesn't want to say, and he has caused enough damage.

Chapter Text

dream would consider himself a good mediator.

when george and sapnap bicker, he routinely comes between them to settle whatever stupid thing they're arguing over.

whenever a friend finds themself in a sticky situation online, like a misunderstood tweet or an old clip being recirculated, he is often the person that they come to for help. not just because he has a lot of experience with toxic fans, but because he is good at staying level-headed and giving reliable advice.

every day he works as a mediator within his family, trying to keep his parents happy whilst refusing to break lina's trust. sometimes he feels like he's placed on a stretcher, being constantly pulled in two different directions and just waiting for the day when he happens to snap.

it's a lot of work, but he is good at it, and he has always liked helping people so it comes naturally to him to do so whenever possible. he supposes that his selflessness is a quality developed from his childhood and maybe that is sad in some ways, but he thinks that's a pessimistic way to view it.

anyway, with that in mind, it didn't surprise him all that much when sapnap came into his room last night when he was reading (the book was getting really good, but he still put it down for his friend) and asked for help. it also wasn't shocking when the ravenette asked him not to tell george.

to summarise the long conversation they had, sapnap explained how george accidentally let slip to punz about sapnap's regression. this came as an immediate shock to dream, because it's unlike george to do anything that might genuinely hurt his friends, even accidentally, and he reflectively wants to ask the brunette if he's okay and where his head is at, but he told sapnap that he wouldn't involve him.

sapnap explained that, apparently, punz seemed fine with it, but the ravenette was still nervous about it and wanted to make sure that it was definitely fine. then, of course, sapnap explained how he didn't want to be the one to talk to punz, because 'it's embarrassing' (dream told him it wasn't, he didn't care) so the blond offered to step in.

dream asked sapnap why george couldn't be included in something that obviously included him, and sapnap explained quite selflessly that george would feel bad if he knew that sapnap was anxious about it, and that the brit was probably already guilty enough.

so dream kept it to himself, planned to hang out with punz the next day (now, today) and then left inconspicuously whilst george was midday streaming, making his way to their friend's house to be the mediator that he was brought up to be.

he knocks twice on punz's door and tries not to be anxious about standing in the street while he waits. dream is no longer faceless online, but he still struggles with obsessions about needing to stay inside and hidden from watching eyes. even as he mentally reminds himself that it doesn't matter, relief washes over him when the door swings open before him and punz flashes him a kind smile.

"i'm just making your coffee," punz says as he steps back into the house, leaving dream to shut the front door, "you can go sit."

dream makes himself at home in the familiar space, kicking off his shoes and hanging his jacket over the back of one of punz's dining chairs before taking a seat on his faux leather couch and glancing around. punz has always left his house weirdly barren, like he has nothing to display, and all you'll find in each room is the necessary furniture. he didn't even have a dining table until sapnap forced him to get one. ("i eat on the couch" "what if you have company?" "i don't." "you might one day!")

dream flashes punz a smile when the blond walks in and passes him a steaming mug of sweetened coffee. "thank you." dream tries to avoid drinking too much caffeine, but punz always makes coffee so good it's hard to not take it.

"i assume you're here to talk about sapnap," punz cuts straight to the chase as he sits beside him, kicking his feet up onto the low, oak coffee table.

dream considers himself genuinely surprised for a minute. he had planned to come over and act casual for at least an hour or so before getting to the point at hand and bringing sapnap up. hell, he had hoped it might come up naturally so he could act as though it was never his intention in the first place.

punz chuckles at his evident look of shock. "you never randomly ask to hang out unless sap is coming too, so i figured it has to be about him, and considering what george said yesterday..." he shrugs.

dream nods, taking a sip of his drink to mentally prepare himself. "yeah, george said you seemed fine but sap's still a bit nervous so he asked me to come and talk to you," he hashes out truthfully. maybe he should be more discreet about it, but he's always been a terrible liar and he finds that things usually go smoother if you're just honest.

punz nods, a kind smile on his features. he doesn't seem at all malicious or teasing, and that helps dream to relax back against the couch - he didn't think punz would be mean, but dream comprehends that some people just won't understand it.

"well you can tell him that i'm definitely okay with it," punz reassures with a nod. "not that there's anything to not be okay with, anyway. it's not like he's doing anything weird."

"no, exactly, it's a coping mechanism," dream agrees. "i'm not like, an expert, but i've done a lot of research and i obviously have experience with sap, so if you have any questions..." he smiles hopefully reassuringly, wanting to create a better atmosphere. more than anything, he wants to ensure that punz properly understands.

punz laughs a little, which is unexpected but not unpleasant, and crosses one leg over the other. "sounds like i should be giving you advice then."

dream's head cocks questioningly to the side, a confused pinch forming in the space between his brows.

"my sister used to regress when she was a preteen," punz explains in response to the wondering look. "you know how my parents were always distant, and to start with she would act childish just to get attention from them but then it became a thing she'd do with me instead," he shrugs. "she'd come to me on bad days and be little, or whatever, and i'd just look after her."

"how did you know it was regression?" dream asks, equal parts intrigued and relieved. it's great to know that punz has experience and is already educated, and dream finds himself interested in the other's story, and how it may differ from his experience with sapnap. "i mean, like, had you heard of it before? why did you stop thinking it was just for attention?"

punz seems to mull it over for a long moment, like he's never really considered it himself. "the way she would behave changed," he starts, seeming to think over every word before he says it, longing out the sentence. "there was such a clear change between her acting childish for attention and her acting... like a child."

then punz's brows furrow, pushing a line into his skin, and it's evident that he's struggling with the thought in his head, like it's something that hurts or he'd rather not remember.

even still, he verbalises the anecdote for dream, letting the blond into the darker corners of his mind:

"we had an argument one time, about something so stupid i can't even remember it now, and i'd shouted at her to like, leave me alone, or something. she started crying and i told her that i didn't have the energy for her childish behaviour, but then she didn't stop, and it dawned on me that maybe it wasn't something she could control?" he sounds unsure, his words morphing into a question which demands no answer. "like, obviously she could control it, but not entirely. it wasn't until then that i realised it was always when she was sad, or stressed, and then afterwards i did some research and found out it was an actual thing. you know it's recommended by therapists?"

dream nods, having remembered the fact from his own research.

"anyway, i guess that's how i knew. though, i'll be honest, i thought it was mainly for young teens, which is why i was so shocked when george said it."

dream doesn't remember hearing that punz was shocked, only that he hadn't seemed disgusted, but he doesn't bring that to light. instead, he asks, "does your sister not regress anymore then?"

punz shakes his head, looking saddened by the fact. "she hasn't for years now," he answers. "i think she started learning stuff and reading shit on the internet as she got older and decided it was weird and gave it up. i miss it though," he adds after a moment, making eye contact with dream for the first time in a while, "i like looking after her, you know?"

dream nods, a faint smile gracing his lips. "yeah, i know."