Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Those people didn’t deserve to die. We need to fix it.”

“You can’t fix everything, Steve.” I stared at the memorial. I hated that I could see it from my apartment window, that I could see it every day.

“We can fix this.”

“No, you can create more problems trying, though.”

“We can bring them back. Bruce thinks he figured it out.”

“You can’t just do that! They are gone, they’ve been gone for five years ! You have to let it go, Steve. I thought you were starting to. The world has adjusted, contracted on itself. You bring that many people back all at once and it will actually be the future Thanos predicted. People are going to suffer and die without the infrastructure to support an immediate doubling in population.”

“We’ll figure it out-”

“What? Together? The togetherness that let the snap happen in the first place? Quit letting hare-brained geniuses put ideas in your head and get some grief counseling like the rest of humanity.”

“They deserve justice.”

“Fuck that idea of justice. Where is my justice? Where is the justice for people who lost everything more than five years ago? It doesn’t matter, we don’t matter, because THE AVENGERS fucking won. You’ll go to the end of the goddamn universe, break time(?!), because you lost. But fuck all those thousands of people caught in the crossfire in New York any time, or DC, or Sokovia, or wherever else. I don’t give a fuck if y’all fix the snap, I lost everyone I loved ten years ago!”

“What about Bucky?” he said gently.

I slapped him. Hard. “You keep his name out of your fucking mouth when you talk to me, Steven Grant Rogers.” My voice came out in a snarl. I didn’t even care that I probably just broke half my hand. Or that he only flinched because it was me, not that it actually hurt. “James would have done his tour, gone home 80 years ago, got married, had 15 fucking kids and died without ever meeting me if it weren’t for you and your godsdamned sense of honor. How dare you expect me to be selfish enough to want to drag him back when he isn’t suffering anymore. FUCK you, Steve!”

He didn’t listen. None of them ever listened. And they went and brought everyone back anyway. 

Steve Rogers wasn’t even here to help clean up his fucking mess. Neither was Tony.

______________________________

It was a bad day. People who had been dusted and had nowhere to go still showed up in a steady trickle and I was under standing orders from Potts to feed them. The supply chain had predictably contracted in on itself in five years, and suddenly demand for necessaries was back to pre-snap levels. Prices had skyrocketed, supply outages were rampant, things just couldn’t keep up with a sudden doubling of humanity. I had cooked and stretched and extended every protein, vegetable and starch in the place, the kitchen nearly emptied of food every day for weeks in a row. The Stark name was the only thing that ensured my kitchen got dibs on food deliveries every morning. I sent the rest of the cook crew home a couple of hours ago. They were as tired as I was. The consecutive 16hr days of doing charity for the post-dusted along with the regular SI cafeteria business had settled in my bones. I didn’t blame the people looking for a hot meal. It wasn’t their fault luck did them dirty, twice.  

I barely knew which end was up at this point. I unloaded the dishwasher into the last dish cart, over stacking it a little to get it done. The 1975 was blaring over the radio and I was lost in “Love Me”, dancing like it was the only thing keeping me awake while I hosed down the dish area. It probably was. My playlist switched to “The Sound” as I finished shutting down the equipment.

"Oh, I know when you're around 'cause I know the sound, I know the sound of your heart.

Oh, I know when you're around 'cause I know the sound, I know the sound of your heart."

I forgot I had set the brakes and as I bounced over to push it, my hand slipped when it didn’t move, shoving several plates out and onto the floor.

“Goddamn it…” Then, I cut myself, picking up the larger pieces to toss into the trash. “Oh, fuck me!” I said, standing up and examining my bleeding finger, deciding if I needed to put pressure on it or just get a bandage.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

I spun, looking to see who had snuck up behind me. My brain fully stopped as I looked at the figure leaning against the nearby table, grinning at me with teasing crystal blue eyes. My entire ribcage constricted as I forgot how to breathe. “Bucky?” I choked out. My vision tunneled, my heart pounding against my sternum as I felt myself start shaking.

I heard my name in a warm masculine voice that I had pushed away with all the other memories of people who were gone, locked up so I could keep moving through life, interacting with whatever the world actually was now. I backed into the table behind me, leaning against it trying to keep my feet, hands covering my face as I tried to remember how to breathe. “No… no, no, no, no, I can’t… Get it together, girl.” 

Hands were rubbing my upper arms, repeating my name again. “You’re okay. Hey, you’re okay, I’ve got you.”

“Don’t… please, don’t. I can’t do this now… I’ve lost it. That’s it, I’ve finally lost my mind! This is what being crazy feels like.” I babbled between the hands covering my face, gasping for breath.

“No, no, I’m here, I’m back. Look at me.”

“I can’t… I can’t be having a mental breakdown right now.” I was starting to feel light-headed.

He said my name again, pulling my hands from my face. “Look at me.”

I stood there, eyes closed, trying to remember how to breathe. I felt hands, one cool and one warm, pushing my hands against the firm muscle of his chest, the hard plates of his left hand holding my palms there against his heart, “C'mon, sweetheart. Need you to feel me breathe, feel my heartbeat.” The other hand, callused and warm, cupped my face. “Please, look at me.”

I leaned into his hand, the calluses just enough roughness that the touch started to ground me as the tears started to flow quietly down my cheek. “If I look, I’m going to try to kiss a hallucination and end up on the floor.”

“Really,” he chuckled. And then I felt lips against mine. Warm and so soft as they brushed chastely against mine, the barest scratch of stubble against my chin. My breath hitched in surprise and I finally looked at him as he pulled away. 

“Bucky…” I choked out again, trying to stay on the composed side of a sob. His hair was cut, his face had a bit more than five o’clock shadow growing, but those teasing blue-gray eyes were just like I remembered.

“Hey,” he answered with a smile.

I flung myself into him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I buried my face, the sobs shaking my whole body now. He hugged me back and lifted me to sit on the table, my legs still trying to give under me. He positioned himself between my knees and held me as I cried out all my exhaustion, and frustration, and grief, squeezing him with my arms, my thighs, like I could meld myself to him. He didn’t shush me, just held me tight, pushing my hat off so he could pet my hair. His voice stayed a reassuring hum against my neck, telling me over and over that he was here with me, he was fine, I would be okay. 

Eventually, I cried myself out. I sat trying to calm my hitching breaths with my forehead rested against the nook where his neck met shoulder, inhaling the warm scent of leather and gun oil that was so unmistakably him . I sat up, bringing my apron up to mop my face with a clean spot and sniffing loudly. “That’s one of the uglier cries I’ve ever had.”

He cupped my face again and brought it down to kiss my forehead. “Prettiest sight I’ve seen since I’ve been back.” 

I huffed out a laugh. “Damn, sorry to hear that. All jumpseats from Wakanda, huh?” 

He laughed, and the sound filled some of the hollowed out place left by my cry. “Are you done for today?” he asked.

I nodded. “Just finishing up. Gotta clean up that mess and lock it up. Just a few minutes.” I scooted to hop down, but he didn’t move. Then I noticed our position, intensely aware of how his hips were slotted snugly against mine, only a breath between our faces. “Buck?”

“Hmm?” his voice was nearly a purr as his hands slid to my waist. His gaze was heavy on my mouth as I licked my lips nervously.

“You have to let me down if I’m going to finish closing.”

“I do,” he agreed in that same low voice. I could feel my skin warming under his gaze. “But, I’d rather kiss you again.”

“Buck- I-” I leaned back as my face caught fire, hands bracing behind me as I tried to scramble back across the table. I had no interest in turning it into an actual fight when there wasn’t a real threat, so I only actually managed to squirm ineffectively in the solid grip he had on my hips. It made for some very counterproductive grinding that drew a sharp inhale from him, his eyes going a little unfocused for a moment. I swallowed and his eyes seemed to follow the movement of my throat. “Bucky,” I started, my voice gone breathy. I took a breath as he leaned down over me and I tried again mustering up a voice that was still quiet, but firmer. “Please, let me go.”

He met my eyes, and something seemed to click. He backed his hips away, and I could see his face quickly shutting down. “Bucky,” I touched his right hand before he could move it, “I’m not saying no.” He paused, face guarded as I sat up straight again. “You might feel like you left a few weeks ago. I get that. But, for me it’s been five years of-,” I sniffed back another threatening cloud of tears, “over five years since I’ve seen you. I didn’t even know for a long time whether you were dusted or dead, nobody would give me a straight answer. And it’s been weeks since people came back, so I really thought...” I took a breath and reached up with my other hand to massage playfully at the knotted space between his eyebrows with my thumb. “Give a girl a minute to process, okay?”

He took a deep breath, the shadow lifting from his expression, and he nodded. “Yeah, that’s… probably a lot. It took longer than expected to debrief and find out I could come back stateside.” He helped me slide down from the table, keeping his hands on my waist until I was back on my feet and then letting me go. I almost whined at the loss of his touch, but gave his hand a little squeeze as I went to get the broom and dustpan to sweep up the shattered mess of plates on the floor. 

He went around checking equipment and catching lights, remembering my closing ritual in a way that always surprised me, while I dumped broken china into the trash. By the time I came back from putting the broom and dustpan away, he had turned off the main lights and had the bag out of the can. “Thanks, you can put it in the janitor’s cart outside the door. I’ll be right behind you,” I said, pulling up and fitting a new bag in the can. I met him at the door, shutting off the light and locking the kitchen behind us. I dropped my chef jacket and apron in the hamper by the trash cart. 

“Can I give you a ride?” he asked.

“No need. I’ve been living here in the compound for awhile now. Are you hungry? I’m sure I can come up with something. I haven’t eaten since this morning.”

“It’s almost 11pm.”

“Please don’t remind me. I need to be back down by 6.” I started heading for the elevator.

“Taking good care of yourself as always, I see.” 

I smirked up at his frown. “Well, there wasn’t anyone around to nag me about it.”

He followed me into the elevator. “Nobody?”

I pushed the button and leaned against the wall, facing the panel. “People have been pretty wrapped up in their own pain, and trying to get by. We all dealt in our own way.” I felt my arms cross under my chest, involuntarily hugging myself in the quiet of the elevator. “You know me, I just work.”

“I’m sorry.”

I shook my head. “We both know none of this was your fault.” I exited the elevator as soon as the doors were open enough.

He followed me, and leaned on the doorframe, metal hand bracing him above my head as I swiped my thumb over the lock panel. “I’m sorry for scaring you. I could have texted or called, given you time to get used to the idea. I wanted to surprise you.”

I huffed as I opened the door. “Mission accomplished, Sergeant Barnes.” I slipped out of my kitchen shoes at the door, and he paused to toe off his boots and hang his jacket on a hook beside the door as I padded in my socks to the small kitchen. 

A huge orange tabby cat came padding out of the bedroom, stretching and yawning in the doorway and looked at the man at the entry imperiously before stalking after me into the kitchen. “Good evening, Sir Thomas.” The bulky feline shoulder-checked my shin, purring aggressively around my legs and I reached down to give him some ear scratches. I reached into the cabinet for a can of wet food and dumped it into his bowl. Then, I went to the fridge to see what was to see.

He said my name again cautiously, coming up behind me, beginning to remember to telegraph his presence.

I sighed, resting my head on the door frame of the open fridge as I peered inside. “I’m not mad, Buck, I promise. I’m just feeling… overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed well before you suddenly resurrected in my kitchen an hour ago. And I don’t know quite what to do right now.”

I felt him come up behind me, his warmth radiating against my back as he rested his hands over mine, pulling my arms with his own to wrap us both around me, hugging my back gently to his chest, letting the refrigerator fall closed in front of us. He rested his cheek on the top of my head and I closed my eyes, realizing how touch starved I was as my body leaned back into him. “There’s my girl,” he muttered, almost too soft for me to hear, and I tightened my jaw to suppress a shiver at the endearment. “I know you want a shower. Go do that, and I’ll make something.”

“Okay.”

Neither of us moved for a long moment. “Just another minute,” he added.

I smiled tiredly and relaxed into him, my head tipping back against his chest. “Okay.” I shrugged my left shoulder, jostling his arm a bit. “This is new. Very fancy.”

“Wakandan. Special made since Tony blew up the last one.”

“Wow… I guess you’ve got a bit to catch me up on, too.”

“I guess so." He finally moved to kiss the top of my head and relaxed his arms.

I let them drop, but lingered a moment more, turning my head to look up at him with a small smile. “I missed you, Buck.” 

He chuckled and I closed my eyes at the feeling of it reverberating against me. “You really make giving you time difficult, doll.” He kissed my forehead and boosted me off him with a gentle thrust of his chest. 

I went to the bedroom and dug out some ‘reasonable for company’ pajamas, a t-shirt and a pair of soft cotton shorts. He’d seen the ugly scars running up my left leg a long time ago, knew the story behind them, and he’d laughed when I thought he “of all people” would be bothered by them. I grabbed a pullover bra also, for the sake of propriety, even though I loathed the idea of wearing one in my own apartment. I’m well endowed and didn’t intend to disrespect Bucky by making his life more difficult when he was respecting my boundaries. I went into the adjacent bathroom and started the shower, turning it scalding and stripping while it warmed up. I stood under the water, scrubbing the sweat and kitchen grease from my body and scalp, forcing my brain to think. 

Bucky and I had always had a good thing. We were easy in our companionship. He was my best friend before he disappeared. That was incredibly important to me. More than that, I loved him dearly. I knew that. I’d known that a long time. I knew he was old-fashioned at heart.  That didn’t always work with people like me. I wasn’t a possessive lover. I never had been, but even less so now. Jealous lovers rarely lasted with people who weren’t, even if there was something deeply satisfying in the moment about the idea of being claimed. We had talked about it before. To him, this could be me having a change of heart a few months later. To me, this was him coming back to me after five years of devastating loneliness. There was nothing I wanted in this entire universe so much as skinship right now. I wanted desperately to go out there with my best friend and crawl in his lap, feeling safe and warm and loved for the first time in years. I wanted to feel his skin against mine and kiss him until he understood how empty I’d felt since the world turned upside down.

I finished rinsing my hair and filled my hand with conditioner, combing it through my hair with my fingers as I worked out the tangles. The ones inside my head as much as outside.

I knew he felt similarly about me, but I was fooling myself if I thought it would stop there, or that would be enough for him. I wasn’t opposed to sex with Bucky, but I also knew that was a genie I couldn’t put back in the bottle unless I was the worst lay in history. Which I didn’t think was the case, even if I was nothing to write home about. If we had sex though, I truly believed he’d consider it a sealed deal. But, that is rarely sustainable between an ace person and an allo. Particularly one with an aggressive libido, which I also suspected to be the case with him.  He’d get tired of me never initiating, or always needing to be aroused first, or just never thinking about sex unless he brought it up, or not curtailing the physicality of other friendships. Not as though I’d had any really, besides Steve, Nat and Bruce, and they had been wrapped up in their own angst through the snap, much like anyone else. And, now two of the three were gone.

I rinsed my hair again with a growl of frustration. I wasn’t solving anything in here. All I could do is my best to make sure he understood what he was asking, and make a decision from there. I turned the water off and got out, wrapped my wet hair, and soon emerged into the living room to the smell of toasty bread. My mouth watered.

He looked up. “Good timing.”

I sat across the bar from him, watching him plate a grilled cheese sandwich for me, and a third for him. The super soldier metabolism never ceased to amaze me. He pushed a plate and mug of tomato soup toward me.

“Ooh, I forgot I had that can of soup in the cabinet.” I dipped my sandwich in the mug of soup and took a bite, sighing contentedly.

He smirked. “I take it I did alright, chef?”

“The fact I haven’t eaten in about 18 hours is absolutely no reflection on the simple comfort of a well executed melt.”

His smirk changed a little as he started eating his own. “Good. I am gunning for a promotion, after all.”

“I gathered that.” I smirked back. “God knows why. I’m a terrible boss.”

“I’d take orders from you any day.”

I chuckled. “You always struck me as more the kind to give the orders.” 

His gaze darkened and I realized I’d gotten too comfortable. “If that’s what my girl needs.”

“Bucky… We’ve talked about this.”

“We have. I know what you think is going to happen. You think I’m going to get tired of you because sex is a low priority for you.”

“Because it’s a higher priority for you, for most people, than me.” I got up, taking my dishes to the sink. “I’ve never known a man who didn’t think that either I was exaggerating, making shit up, or that his dick was some magic wand that could fix me, or ultimately that didn’t get his self-esteem wrapped up in it when 'fixing me’ didn’t work.”

His eyes followed me around the bar to the sink and he turned, leaning back against the counter, his last sandwich forgotten. “Can’t fix what’s not broken, sweetheart.”

“ I know that. But, how long are you going to remember that?”

“Do you really not trust me any more than that?” I heard the heat rising in his voice. “You think I’d just-”

“It wasn’t an insult, Bucky, but that’s my point.” I turned to face him and leaned back against the sink, crossing my arms, the couple of feet of kitchen floor separating us felt too close. “People change. I’m going to be here and keep getting old and you’re going to be a slow-aging super soldier. Eventually, you are going to need something different from what I can give you.” He moved as though to rebut me and I held up a hand to pause him so I could finish. “It may be months from now or years or even decades, I believe you’re that kind of man. I believe you’re a one woman man.” His face had gone impassive, and I couldn’t deal with watching him shut down on me. I turned back to the sink and scrubbed my plate with the sponge. “I have to put it all out there now because I can’t handle the thought of losing my best friend because we went in not understanding we’ll end up there some day.” I picked up the mug, and I felt him come up behind me as I started scrubbing it. “I’ve loved you for a long time, James. But-” 

His arms came to either side of me, caging me in front of the sink without touching me. “Look at me.” 

I looked down at the mug I had been scrubbing for too long and set it down with a sigh. “I’m not here to lead you on, James. I never tried to. And the fact I’m five years worth of lonely and touch starved is not a good reason to start.”

“The last thing you have ever done is lead me on.” His breath was hot against my neck and the back of my ear. “Look at me... please.”

I sighed and turned to lean back against the edge of the sink again, crossing my arms under my breasts. I looked up into his face, so close bent over me, his expression raw. “James, I can accept the way we’ve always been, or whatever we turn into.” I felt the fear bubbling up at the back of my throat and starting to sting my eyes. Not that he’d let me go, but that he’d let me go and I’d never see him again. Not that I wasn’t enough, but that not being enough for him meant I wasn’t anything to him. “But, I need to know you won’t hold it against me if we don’t work. Because you’re my people and I’m going to love you either way. It’s just who I am.”

His right hand came up to brush away the beginning of a tear from my eye with his thumb. “Say it again.”

“It’s just who I am?”

He chuckled, “Before that.”

I couldn’t help but smirk as I caught on. “You’re my people.”

He shook his head, giving me a long-suffering look. “That was good, too, but not what I meant.” His fingers traced the edge of my cheek and jaw, his thumb dragging across my lower lip.

“But what about you? You were always worried about what could happen…”

“It’s gone.”

“What do you mean ‘gone’?”

“The arm wasn’t the only thing they fixed in Wakanda.” He grinned. “The words don’t work anymore. The programming is gone.”

I gasped. “Really?!” He nodded and I grinned, throwing my arms around his neck in a hug. “Buck, that’s wonderful!" 

He hugged me back, then reached up to pull my arms away, taking my hands in his, lifting them toward his face. “So that’s one thing we don’t have to worry about anymore.” He kissed the knuckles of one hand, then the other and said my name, quietly, like it was a wish. “I hear you, everything you’ve said, and I will respect whatever you want, but I’ve loved you for too long not to take a chance on making this work with you. However long it does.”

I looked into his eyes, full of nothing but honesty and affection and took a breath like I was about to take a dive. “Okay.”

“Okay?” The boyish grin that rose up in his face was like the sun coming out on a cloudy day, and I couldn’t help but smile at how happy he looked.

I nodded. “Yes.”

He lowered our hands and brought his lips to mine and gently kissed me through our smiles, and it was silly and sloppy with our teeth knocking together, and perfect. Then rested his forehead on mine. “Okay.”

I sighed, letting go of his hands to rest mine to my sides on the edge of the sink. Then I smirked. “James Buchannan Barnes, you’re a damn fool.”

He rested one hand beside mine and tilted my chin up with the fingertips of the other so he could kiss me again, lips moving soft and slow against mine. “Only for you, beautiful.” 

I shook my head, smiling. “You know I’d be happy with hugs and the occasional movie night. Hot, horny women are out there ready to fall all over you. I’ll never understand why you would waste your time chasing down an old, fat lad-”

I yelped in surprise as he suddenly closed the distance between our bodies. One arm wrapped around my waist and the other reached down to grip under my thigh, hoisting me effortlessly up to sit on the edge of the counter beside the sink. He pressed himself flush to my body, wedging himself between my legs. “Why would I want anyone else?” His face looked almost angry. “You are smart, and funny, and the most loving person I’ve ever met. On top of being goddamn beautiful,” his voice was practically a growl, “And I intend to never let you forget that.” Then, his mouth was on mine, his lips silken heat and greed, and I think I forgot my name as my hands ran over the firm planes of his chest and shoulders to wrap my arms around his neck.

Dear god, the man could kiss. His tongue flicked across my top lip and my lips parted, running my tongue along his and the kiss deepened. He kissed me like he was going to eat me from the mouth down, heat flowing through my body like whiskey pouring down my throat straight to my belly. I moaned against his mouth, taking his bottom lip between mine, nipping lightly with my teeth. He groaned in return, his hands pulling me tighter as his mouth traveled along the edge of my jaw.

He nipped and sucked at the soft skin just below my ear and I shuddered. His hand splayed against the base of my spine, pressing his hips into me. “Bucky,“ I gasped as I felt him already hard in his jeans, grinding against my center. My head rolled back… and knocked the cabinet behind me. I grunted, not wanting to break the moment. 

One of his hands came up to cradle the back of my head as he came up from my neck. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I giggled, “I forgot where I was for a second.”

He gave me that cocky grin of his, and I thought I’d give anything to see him so happy all the time. His hands reached under my ass, wrapping my legs around his waist and lifting me like I weighed nothing. I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him again as he carried me across the apartment. I kissed him like I had wanted to for so long, tasting and learning every inch of his lips and mouth, as if I could pour my love into him like water. By the time he lowered me on the bed, he was panting, his gaze hungry.

Chapter Text

Bucky crawled onto the bed and laid me down under him, bracing himself on his metal arm by my head. His lips moved to my throat, other hand sliding under my shirt. My body arched into him at the touch and I followed his lead, running my hands under his shirt across the firm muscle of his stomach and chest as I pushed his shirt up. He sat up to kneel between my legs and I watched him reach behind his neck with one hand, pulling his shirt smoothly over his head and flinging it to the side, revealing the sculpted planes of his torso. I sat up, my hands exploring the warm expanse of his skin. He reached down, pulling my shirt up as well but hooking under the band of my bra and pulling it up in such a quick, smooth motion I didn’t realize he had taken both until my breasts were falling heavily from under the band and they were exposed to him. I reflexively tried to cover them as my arms were freed.

“Don’t you dare,” he growled, taking my wrists as he bent back down over me. He pushed me back onto the bed, wrists above my head, resting his weight on his forearms and I gasped, writhing under him as the heat of his skin finally slid bare and delicious against mine. “I’ve waited forever for these amazing tits,” he kissed me again, lips tracing my jaw to my ear, and down my neck to my sternum his voice rumbling, “wanted to touch them, taste them while I learn what kind of noises you make.” Then he did just that, cupping them, feeling their weight in his hands as he stretched out below me, chest against my stomach and feet hanging off the end of the bed. He lavished them with kisses, mounding them up in his hands, nipping and licking over their globes. He hummed with satisfaction, his stubble scratching just right until I was panting, my hips rolling involuntarily beneath his weight. 

Then he took one in his mouth, rolling the nipple with his tongue, rolling the other with his thumb and I arched off the bed. “Bucky!” My hands were gripping his shoulders as he worked one nipple, then the other with his lips and tongue and teeth. He all but purred as my nails scratched over his upper back. I looked down along the line of his body, watching the rounds of his buttocks tensing as he ground himself against the bed, just for the feel of me. “Bucky…” I whined.

He pulled off my breast with a salaciously wet sound and looked up at me gasping beneath him with a satisfied expression. “Even better than I dreamed.” He slid down, hooking his fingers in my waistband as he kissed his way down my stomach, exploring me with his mouth. His fingers and lips passed my navel and I moaned as his mouth caressed the delicate skin there. He drifted lower and I felt his fingers reach hair and I froze. He looked up at me, feeling me tense under him. “What’s wrong?”

“I…” I bit my lip, looking up at the gorgeous man kneeling between my legs. “I don’t…”

“I remember you saying once you don’t care for oral. Is it just because it hasn’t been good, or something else?”

“It feels… I feel… exposed?”

“You don’t like how vulnerable it makes you feel?”

I nodded. “And I’d rather touch you.” I sat up. “I’ve wanted to touch you for a long time, too, Bucky.”

His breath hitched as my hand ran up the center of his body, from his waist band up to his neck, pulling him down into a kiss. “Okay.” He settled over me again and my fingers went to his belt, loosening it and unfastening his jeans as I kissed him. My mouth traveled down his throat. He groaned as I released the pressure of his zipper carefully, pushing his pants over his hips to his knees, and he kicked them down to the floor. 

I raked my nails along the bulge in his boxer briefs as I nipped at his Adam’s apple and he hissed. I looked up at him. “Good or bad,” I asked soothing my palm over his cock and down to cup his balls.

“Good,” he huffed out as my fingers rolled against his balls. “But you’re more dressed than me now.”

“I’m fine with that.”

“I’m not,” he pulled my shorts down and surged up to kiss me passionately as he settled along my side with his metal arm holding me against him, the cool fingers playing along my side and hip. He hooked my knee over his legs to give himself space and slipped his hand inside the waist of my panties. I keened as his finger slipped down through my wetness and up to roll over my clit in one smooth motion.

I felt the heat spool up in my belly as he used my slick to rub the calloused pad of his finger in circles around the sensitive nub. I reached down, slipping my hand into his underwear, wrapping my hand around his cock, a little surprised at my fingers barely meeting as I squeezed him and his breath hissed out again. I smoothed my hand over him, and he moaned into my mouth as I pulled him free with a firm stroke. I took a leisurely rhythm, rolling my thumb over the head at the end of each stroke, dragging the prespend that beaded there, enjoying the warm, silken weight of him in my hand until he was groaning and panting as loudly as I was.

Then, he gently pulled himself free of my grip. “I want this to last. I told you I was going to show you how beautiful you are.” He dipped a finger inside me then circled my clit again, harder and faster and nipped at my ear.

I fell back against the bed with a ragged gasp. “Oh, fuck !”

He kissed me and I moaned into his mouth as he worked me with his hand. My arms were around his neck, my legs starting to shake as I tried not to clamp my thighs together. “Bucky… mm! Bucky, I’m gonna… you said you wanted this to last…”

He purred against my ear. “Me, sweetheart. Not you. I want you to come. Over and over. On my hand, on my tongue, on my cock.” His voice and breath on my ear melted my insides, shivering away the last of my resistance. “As many times as you can stand. I’m gonna make a such a mess of you that you never doubt me when I say how much I want you. How much I love every inch of you.” I panted and grinded against his hand feeling my release like a rising wave. Then he leaned down and took my breast in his mouth again, sucking sharply at my nipple and I came undone crying his name.

I came back to myself to see him already between my legs. He dipped his mouth down to nip at my mound through my underwear, my back arched. He kissed and sucked and bit the sensitive skin of my inner thighs, one side then the other lavishing praise on them, telling me how beautiful and soft they were and how good they felt in his hands. His hand slid over my scars without hesitation, sending cold tingles shuddering up my spine. He looked up at me, nipping and mouthing at my lower lips through the wet panties, and my breaths went ragged again. He rested his cheek on my thigh next to a blossoming hickey he’d just put there. “Please, trust me. Tell me I can, sweetheart.”

I swallowed, biting my lip and nodded. He gave me a grin like I gave him the keys to the candy store and he wasted no time peeling my soaked panties off. He looked down at me for a moment, hands against my knees, holding me open and the weight of his gaze set a fire under my skin. “Gorgeous.” I felt my entire body flush, and without another word he descended on me and all I could do was hang on.

He licked a long stripe between my spread lips as he settled, one hand sliding under me to knead my ass, the other hand going up to one breast. I tried to relax. It was all I could do not to clamp my thighs down on his head as he explored my folds with his lips and tongue groaning like he was having the best meal of his life. I looked down and he was watching my face. Our eyes met and he came up just enough to say, “So perfect. My girl is doing so well.” He moved his left hand from my ass over my hip to rest on my stomach, holding me in place, the right massaging my breast. “I’ve got you, sweetheart. You can let go.” His hands grounded me, letting me breathe. His lips sealed over my clit, licking and sucking, his hand on my breast rolling my nipple, and I couldn’t do anything but wrench the sheets in my hands gasping and moaning his name as I came again a minute later. “That’s my girl,” he murmured while I came down, gasping. Then, his hand left my breast to push two fingers in me and returned to lapping at my clit with his amazing tongue. He bent and pulled his fingers inside me, creating even more pressure against his hand on my tummy. “Oh, fuck! God, James, I’m g hn -!” I buried my hands in his hair, my cunt clamping around his fingers, thighs clenching around his head as I came again with a ragged scream. 

I came back to myself as he worked me through it, falling back against the bed boneless. He stood, pushing his boxer briefs down and I smiled languidly at him standing there in all his glory. He smiled back at me with self-satisfaction as he licked his fingers clean, sucking them one at a time, looking at me like the cat who got the cream. Dear god, this man might kill me… He crawled back on the bed. I leaned up to kiss him, still tasting of me, and reached for his cock again, slowly stroking. He moaned for me and I smiled against his mouth. “I want you, James. Want you inside me. I want to feel you, love.”

His eyes fluttered shut and he groaned. “Fuck, darlin’… Condoms?”

“Unless there’s something you want to tell me, it’s been so long we should both be confidently clean.” He nodded, licking his lips. “And I have an IUD.” He cocked his head a little. “Contraceptive implant,” I helped.

His eyes rolled back reverently. “Fuck, I love the future…” He stroked my side and I looked down at him, cock fat and heavy between us. 

I licked my lips. “Can I ride you? It’s been a long time… and you’re big.”

He chuckled, “Wondering if I’ll fit?”

I smirked back. “No," I rolled my eyes. "Just easier if I take it at my own pace to start.” He kissed me and rolled onto his back and I straddled his thighs, looking down at him. “How are you so gorgeous?” I asked, running my hands up his body, and he grinned up at me. I slid up his hips, his cock dragging through the soaking folds of my sex. He groaned with me and his abs spasmed, rocking his pelvis. I liked his reaction and did it again. I leaned down, kissed him, and took my time exploring his neck, shoulders and chest with my hands and mouth. His hands stroked my sides, my butt, my thighs, his hips rocking and rubbing his cock against my wet folds until he was panting my name. I smiled against his nipple, flicking it with my tongue. “Feeling impatient, love?”

He met my eyes and took my hips in hand, grinding me down against the hard length of him and I shuddered. “Very.” Then he kept doing it, rocking me over his cock, the head stroking my clit deliciously with every thrust. I ran my hands over his abs, his chest, his arms, bracing myself on his forearms as we grinded. “How are you so gorgeous?” he echoed back to me. My breath started hitching with every stroke, pussy spasming. I orgasmed, not overwhelming this time, but in a wave of warmth, soft and deep with a low, shuddering groan.

I splayed my hands on his chest, catching myself. I looked down at him, his eyes looking up at me like a starving man, pupils blown out with desire, and I repositioned, guiding him to my entrance. He was so broad, just the head felt impossible for a moment, I was so tight. I worked him in an inch at a time, with slow deliberate strokes until I had gotten to the thickest part of his shaft, thankful for how wet he’d made me. He stroked my thighs as I worked over him, his breathing labored as he muttered encouragement to me. Then, I rose up, almost letting him fall out before sliding down slowly the entire way until I was fully seated. “Ah! Buck …” I groaned at the stretch of him. 

His eyes slammed shut, writhing beneath me as he groaned my name, his fingertips digging into my thighs. “Fuck! So tight…”

I took up a slow, steady rhythm. He ran his hands over my body as I moved. Massaging and squeezing and caressing my thighs, my ass, my hips, waist, tummy, breasts. He worshipped all of me as I rode him. I gradually picked up pace and added a little grind at the bottom of each stroke, looking for friction. “So gorgeous. My girl… Feel so good taking me, taking what’s yours.” He licked his thumb and put it to my clit as he massaged my breast with his other hand. I started to pant, the warm weight pooling low in my belly, my cunt clenching around him with each stroke.

He urged me on. “Fuck me… ugh, baby, yes. I can feel how close you are. Squeezing me so tight. Take what’s yours. Make a mess of me. Come for me, sweetheart.” He rolled his hips beneath me and tweaked my nipple with his vibranium hand and that warm knot in my cunt exploded in a wave of pleasure.

He didn’t wait for me to come down, just rolled us over as I shuddered in his arms and another smaller wave of pleasure washed over me as he hitched my thighs up onto his chest, holding my hips up off the mattress and slid into me again with a snap of his hips. He settled into a fast, shallow rhythm that rubbed the head of him against just the right spot that had me writhing in his merciless grip, clutching the pillow behind my head. “Oh, fuck! James…. God, you feel so good…” I mewled. “Ah! Fuck you’re gonna make me-!”

“Do it,” he growled, rolling his hips to grind over that perfect spot inside me. “Want my girl to come for me. Need to feel you come on my cock again.” I held his eyes with my gaze, put two fingers in my mouth and reached them down to my clit while he groaned my name like a prayer. Once, twice, and on the third stroke I was gone again, flying off the cliff with a hoarse cry. He didn’t stop, settling on top of me, bending me in half and setting a brutal pace, fast and hard and impossibly deep. The metal arm braced beside my head and the other gripped the scarred side of my ass as he fucked me into the mattress, watching my tits bounce wildly with every thrust, chasing his own release. 

My voice was nothing but a long keen, punched out by the staccato of his hips. I fisted my hands in his hair, clinging to him, every thrust hitting the end of me, sending electric waves through my overstimulated body. I ground my hips up, squeezing him as we moved together. “God, I can’t… Buck, come for me, please come for me,” I pleaded. “I want you to feel this good, love. Fuck! James, please!” 

His rhythm faltered and he thrust into me twice more before his hips stuttered and he came with a choked groan of my name, putting out his other arm to catch himself above me. His hips still moved, but slower and more gently, stroking us both back to ourselves as he lowered my legs. He slid out of me and I whined a little at the sudden emptiness. Then, he moved down to rest between my legs. His head lay against my chest, nuzzling between my breasts. I pet him, fingers carding through his hair, nails scratching lightly against his scalp, my other stroking and smoothing along his upper back and shoulder. We laid there, hearts pounding together, relearning how to breathe.

We must have fallen asleep like that because I found myself waking up to the sound of my phone ringing. His warmth was heavy over me like a weighted blanket and I groaned, trying to remember where my phone ended up last night. “Bucky?” I nudged him groggily. 

He squeezed me. “Let it ring…” he muttered sleepily. 

I heard a small trill and opened my eyes to see my cat loafed between Bucky’s shoulder blades, half asleep, looking like he agreed, and it made me chuckle. “I need to get up and find it.”

The phone stopped ringing. “And now you don’t.” He ran a hand down my side to my knee and back up, repositioning my leg to crook up against his side. That was enough movement for Thomas to decide this was no longer his napping spot. Bucky’s hand stroked all the way back up to cup my breast against his face and nuzzle it lazily. 

“Buck…” I whined, the vibranium hand released my breast and stroked down between us. “I gotta-” I stopped with a hissing breath as one cool digit slipped between my folds and directly into my hot core, aching and still dripping wet.

“Wha’d’you gotta, sweetheart?” he teased as he lifted his head, stroking one cool finger slowly in me while I tried not to let my eyes roll back in my head.

The phone started ringing again. This time a different ringtone. I shoved playfully at his shoulders with a whine. “I gotta answer the phone, Bucky. It’s definitely work.” He groaned and rolled away and I went hunting, Sir Thomas led me out the door and hopped on the couch to curl up again watching me. I zeroed in on the sound thankfully coming from the kitchen counter.

The first call had been my morning cook letting me know the truck hadn’t come yet and grumpily wanting to know “what the fuck kinda breakfast I’m supposed to do without so much as a flake of oatmeal”. The second had been my vendor saying there wouldn’t be any delivery today, apologizing for the ongoing supply chain and transportation issues. I knew there wasn’t much to be done about it, especially with no notice. I leaned on the cool tile of the bar on my forearms, running through my options, eventually deciding I had none worth pursuing. I called my cook back to tell him what happened and to just go home for the day. As expected, there was no complaint for the surprise day off. Then, I shot an email out to the kitchen crew, the SI department leads, security, and Potts, letting them know the kitchen was closed for the day due to unforeseen, but unsurprising, circumstances and that I would keep them posted on reopening, asking security to post signs that the employee cafeteria and soup kitchen would be closed until further notice. I set the phone down and bent down to rest my forehead on the cool tile with a bone-deep sigh.

I heard movement, Bucky wanting me to know he was there before his hands came to stroke my hips. He bent to kiss my spine, up to the nape of my neck, and I shivered a little. “What’s up?” he asked.

“Closed the kitchen for the day. Vendor can’t manage the combination of filling my order and having a working semi, so we’re just shit outta luck on supplies until they get it figured out.”

“Sorry to hear that.” His lips were roving around to the side of my neck. I could hear the smile in his voice.

I tilted my head. “You don’t sound very sorry.”

He licked the shell of my ear, hands massaging my hips. “Not even a little,” he purred. I shivered again.

I felt him tuck his hips against me, already half hard against my ass. I groaned tiredly. “Bucky…”

He dropped to his knees behind me and spread me with his hands as he boosted me the few inches to be laying on the counter with my hips hanging off. “Buck, what-,” I yelped in surprise. Then he licked a line from my clit into my pussy with the flat of his tongue and my brain stopped working. I lay there helpless, feet in midair, between the sensation of the cold counter against my breasts and stomach and the heat of his tongue between my legs. Then I felt two metal fingers against my entrance and a wash of fear pulled a cry from me. I thrashed helplessly while a wave of panic coiled in my stomach instead of pleasure. “Bucky, please stop!” I sobbed. 

It was like a switch flipped, and he was there, pulling my flailing body up against him. “Oh, no… no,no,no…” He turned me and hugged my chilled front to his chest. “Oh, sweetheart, I’m sorry.” 

I sniffed, forcing my breathing to slow. “I’m sorry, Bucky. I know you were just- I’m sorry. I just panicked.”

He cupped my face, thumbing away my tears. “You don’t have anything to apologize for. I wasn’t thinking, surprising you like that. I’m so sorry.” 

He scooped me up and carried me to the bathroom. He sat me on the counter, petting my hair and kissing my face until I had calmed. Then he handed me my prepped toothbrush while he pulled towels from the cabinet and turned on the shower. I reached in the drawer beneath my legs and pulled out a spare toothbrush for him while I brushed mine. He was solicitous with his touches as we moved around each other. He kept a hand on my thigh while he brushed beside me. He touched my lower back as I spit toothpaste in the sink and rinsed my mouth. Trailed my arm as I climbed into the shower. He climbed in behind me when he finished, arms wrapping around me immediately.

“Bucky, I’m okay now. Really. I know you wouldn’t intentionally do something you didn’t think I was down for. I just had a moment.”

“No, I wasn’t thinking. You don’t like being surprised. I know it’s difficult for you to not feel any control in intimate situations. We just talked about it hours ago, for god's sake. I can only imagine how vulnerable you felt in that position.”

I turned around to face him. “But, you listened.” I reached up to touch his face. “You stopped as soon as you realized I wasn’t okay. Last night, too. You always check on me the second you sense something’s wrong, and you fix it.” 

His face still looked pained. “I couldn’t stand to hurt your trust.” 

I took his face in my hands sternly. “You didn’t. Buck, you’re better at consent than almost anyone I’ve ever met. You understand. You started a sexy moment, my body panicked and ran off with my brain. I communicated, you listened, now we’re checking in. That’s all there is to it.” I stroked his cheek and brought his forehead down to mine. “We’re ok. I still trust you, Buck. Even more now, if that’s possible.” I kissed him soundly, until I felt him relax into me, pulling me close with a sigh. “There’s my guy,” I purred. I saw something warm behind his eyes and I logged it away to test later. 

Then, he gave me a smile that felt almost shy and it made my heart flutter in my chest. “So, it was a sexy moment?”

I laughed, full-throated and leaned against his chest. “Yes, Buck. It could have been very sexy.”

“What did I do wrong? So I know for next time.”

I thought for a moment while he found the soap and started washing me. “Besides not expecting it, I think it was my feet dangling that set me off. With nothing to hold on to or support me I felt really helpless.” I luxuriated in the feeling of his hands on me, happy to be taken care of in the moment. “I think last night worked because your hands and arms on my body helped me feel more grounded and connected to you.”

“Okay.” He looked thoughtful, but also a little mischievous. It made me smirk as I took the soap from him. Maybe I would try it now instead.

I ran my soapy hands over his chest and stomach, loving the feeling of the ridges and planes of his body under my hands. Just being able to touch him the way I always wanted to. To make him feel loved. I had him turn around and I stroked up his back, kneading and massaging his shoulders and neck. I paid careful attention to his shoulder and back where the deep scarring and heaviness of the old arm would cause the muscles to knot along his spine. I dug a thumb into a knot until it finally released and he moaned in such a blissed out way it sent a warm wave of pleasure right to my core and I knew I was wet just from that as my pussy twinged sorely from its prior workout. 

I kneaded down along his spine until he leaned on his hands against the wall so I could have more leverage. My hands smoothed over his ass, then kneaded down one leg and back up the other. I moved slowly, taking my time, learning his body. Which touches made his breath catch? Remembering how much pressure until the tension released in my hands. By the time I came back up to his shoulders he was all but melted, loose and groaning under my touch. I ran my arms around him and up his chest, letting my thumbs linger and catch over his nipples and his breath hitched. I ran my hands back down his abs, pressing my body into his back as I traced his center line down to his navel. I splayed them over his lower stomach and went lower, carding my nails into the thatch of hair at the base of his cock and lightly tracing up that thin trail back to his navel. Then I traveled out toward his hips and followed that glorious V-line of definition back towards his groin. 

When I avoided his manhood again and skimmed down his thighs with the backs of my nails, his breath shuddered out in the shape of my name.

My hands roamed around the back of his thighs and my nails started to lightly travel back up. “Hmmm?” I asked, teasing. He made a small huffing noise and started to lower his hands but I abruptly dragged my nails across his buttocks, firmer, but not quite enough to mark. “Don’t move.” I said quietly, promisingly, only his heightened hearing probably helped him hear me over the water spraying against my lower back. He froze, body suddenly tight as a bowstring, then moved his hands back to their place. 

My splayed fingertips went up his back. “Ohhh, my Bucky… love my good guy so much…,” I purred as my nails dragged back down. His head rolled back and he moaned. I pressed my body against him mouthing and licking along the scars of his shoulder and following the rivulets of water down his spine. My hands went back around to his chest, dragging gentle scratches down his body again slowly as I descended. 

By the time I reached his hips his breaths heaved like he was running. “Ngh… baby…” 

I smoothed my palms around to his ass again, gave him a squeeze as I kissed the base of his spine, and dragged my hand along his hip as I ducked under his arm to kneel in front of him. He was rock hard, so erect it nearly pressed against his stomach, prespend beaded at the purpling head and dripped down the length of his cock. I looked up at him. His face was slack with need, pupils blown out with lust looking down at me. I rested my hands at the tops of his thighs and smirked up at him in teasing concern. “What is it, honey?”

He made a frustrated growl of “tease”, and started to move again, but I dug my nails in the meat of his thighs. “I said, don’t move,” I reminded him firmly.

He exhaled roughly. “Need you…” he growled, but he didn’t move.

I gave him a pleased smile and smoothed my hands down his thighs and calves and back up, “So good for me… Tell me what you need, love.” I stroked my thumbs back and forth along the crease of his hip, looking up at him.

He swallowed. “Please…” he groaned, “touch me…”

“There’s my good guy,” I praised. Then, I ran the flat of my tongue up the underside of his cock from the base of his shaft up to the head in one long, slow swipe catching his dripping prespend like it was a drip of ice cream as I stared into his eyes. A guttural moan erupted from his chest and I felt his whole body tremble as his abs clenched, bucking his hips. I kissed his tip and then rolled my tongue around the head, playing along the slit with the tip of my tongue. I slipped the head into my mouth and sucked it gently, dragging it back out between my lips, still not putting my hands on him.

He sucked in a breath. “Fuck, baby…”

“Do you want more?”

He licked his lips and nodded, his eyes hooded and drowned in lust. “Please, sweetheart…”

I immediately took him in my mouth and down as far as I could, bringing my hand to meet my lips around his shaft. He threw his head back with a curse of pleasure as his cock jumped and hips stuttered. I felt him fighting not to just rut himself down my throat. I loved it. Holding no control over the powerful man above me, riding a razor’s edge with no restraint needed but his desire to please me. My pussy clenched around nothing at the sight of him unraveling above me. “Look at my guy, my James, trying so hard to be good for me.” I murmured, giving him a little squeeze. He gasped with a tensing of his whole torso and I think he almost came on the spot. I hummed in satisfaction as my core spasmed again.

I pulled him in my mouth again and his breath hissed. I hollowed my cheeks, drawing him in and out of my mouth as he watched me, his abs and cock spasming with every bob of my head. “Dammit, baby… so good. I’m not gonna last…”

I cupped his balls, feeling them pulled up tight against his body. I went faster, nearly gagging myself. His breath went ragged, and I pulled him from my mouth with a lasciviously wet pop and kept stroking him with my hand as I fondled his balls. “Do it. I want to see you come undone, see you come so hard for me, Buck. I want my good guy to make a mess of these tits.” I squeezed him hard as I stroked. “Right the fuck now.”

He came with a strangled cry, watching hot spurts paint my chest and stomach. "Oh, good man," I said, voice low and dark and his knees buckled under him with a punched out sound as I stroked him through it. I released his cock and did my best to brace him as he sank to the floor of the shower around me, melting against me, head hanging over my shoulder bonelessly.

He began laughing in heavy ragged pants as I wrapped my arms around him to offer some support. “Fuck, doll… Where has that been hiding? I think you sucked my soul out…”

“Glad you enjoyed it,” I chuckled, caressing his back gently with my fingertips as he came down from his high.  “Because, I’m absolutely going to enjoy this praise kink of yours.” He laughed, warm, deep and just a little embarrassed. It warmed my body right down to my toes.

“Just give me a second…” he panted, “I’m gonna-”

“Shh… You don’t need to do anything, love. That was its own reward, trust me. Besides, I’m kinda sore from getting fucked into the mattress for the first time in over ten years.”

“That long?”

I chuckled against his ear and he shivered, “Worth it.”

When he got his sea legs back, we finished cleaning up. Thank god for SI budgeting on good water heaters so we didn’t have to do it in cold water. I padded out to the kitchen. He emerged a few minutes later in a pair of loose, gray cotton shorts he found in my pajama drawer. “You’re still naked… Am I overdressed now?”

I shrugged and chuckled, “Suit yourself, love,” as I pulled eggs and cheese from the fridge. “Naked is a state of mind. I like being nude when there’s nobody to be bothered about it.”

He grinned and stripped the shorts again, tossing them back in the bedroom. “I am learning so many new things about you today.”

I made cheesy scrambled eggs and toast and after we ate, Bucky cleaned up while I took my laptop to the couch to answer emails. He went to the closet and pulled a giant quilt from the top shelf, the one he always seemed to favor on nights he had stayed over in the past. He sat down, pulling me over and settling me between his thighs, leaning back against his chest.

“Buck, I have to get this done.” I said gently.

“I know, I just want you close.” he answered softly. He settled the heavy quilt over us, grabbing the remote and going to Netflix. He seemed to be content to just hold me as I worked. Occasionally his fingers would stroke over my shoulders or arms, or he would nuzzle or kiss my hair, not demanding or obtrusive. He was just there, a warm relaxed weight behind me letting me do what I needed. 

All those small, casual, absent-minded touches gradually melted something in me that those earlier intimacies couldn’t. I closed my laptop and leaned my head back against his shoulder, eyes closed. 

“Are you done?” He kissed my temple.

I nodded. “For now.” I felt that knot deep in my chest continuing to unfurl. A ball of tension and pain I had carried so long that I had forgotten it was a knot, rather than just a part of me. My breath came out in a shuddering sigh.

He took the laptop and I heard him set it on the side table. He said my name, brushing my cheek with his thumb and I felt a dampness I hadn’t realized was there. His voice was tinged with concern. “Are you okay?”

I held his hand against my cheek and pressed my lips to his palm. “For the first time in forever.”