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Waking up in a cold sweat was annoyingly common for Nami now. The nightmares of seeing her whole crew laying dead in front of her. Her legs moving to follow Enel just to save herself. Leaving her crew on the cold unforgiving ground just to save herself. Repeating in her mind every night, with no way to change it and simply having to suffer through it. In the moment it was all she could do, all she could think of as she stared at their strongest members as they appeared dead. Hell, Enel had even said they were dead. What was she to do? But now, back on the going merry, her crew all alive in the beds, all she could feel was the gripping guilt. And fear. She knew they were strong, they were incredibly strong. Yet she hadn’t trusted them. She had trusted him instead of her Nakama. When she saw them on the ground she only tried to save herself. And because of that she was cursed with these nightmares.
Early on she had managed to stop herself waking up screaming. She didn’t want to wake up Robin after all, that wasn’t fair on the girl. So she wakes up, trembling and crying. Every night. And just like every night she would stop, listen to make sure she could hear Robin’s gentle breathing. Once she hears it she relaxes a little, able to get her own breathing under control as she reminds herself it was just a dream and she didn’t lose them all, but they are still here.
She sits like that, just trying to match Robin’s breathing. While hearing Robin calms her down some, she is also still worried about the boys. In her head she knows they’re okay, but seeing them is different. She has been trying to stop doing this, but every night after a nightmare she goes into their room to check. The one time she didn’t she had a full blown panic attack and woke Robin up.
**
8 days after leaving Skypiea everything had finally calmed down after G-8, and Robin had been sleeping peacefully. She was never the heaviest sleeper anyway, so when at 1am she heard whimpering and gasping breaths, before a scream cut through the air, it obviously woke her up. Quickly scanning the room she registered it was the only other occupant in the room who was making the noise.
Quietly she climbed out of her futon and lit a nearby candle before kneeling in front of Nami. With the light on it was unmistakable Nami was the one making the noises. It was so different to the usual confident girl, now curled up, head in her knees as she trembles.
Robin kneels in front of her, not touching her since she didn’t want to make the girl panic more, just gently knocking against the floor as she goes down, to alert her Robin is there. She tried to do it quietly to gently bring her up, yet the simple noise made Nami violently flinch, her head darting up. She does however visibly relax when she sees it is just Robin, before guilt floods her face as she lowers it back into her knees, her breathing shocked from the jump slowly shifted back to something resembling normal, but still a little fast for Robin's liking.
“Dear? What’s wrong?” She had a suspicion, given the time of day, and Nami would not be the first to have a nightmare in the crew, it was just always sad to see. Especially when they felt guilty or refused to wake the others.
Nami keeps her head down, feeling like a complaining child she just shakes her head “Nothing… Go back to sleep Robin, it's fine..”
Robin sighs “It is clearly not nothing. Would you like to talk about it? Or perhaps just have some company?” Robin sits herself down off her knees onto her bottom, preparing to stay by Nami’s side as long as the younger girl needs. Somehow with this crew she has grown a parental habit, feeling protective of them, especially given their young ages and lack of parental figures.
Nami frowns and looks up at her “...Why? It’s the middle of the night?”
Robin sighs, this stupid crew and their stupid self worth issues “Because clearly something is wrong. I won’t make you talk about it but you seem like you could use the comfort of another person.”
Nami looks at her again. The guilt is clear on her face this time as she tries holding Robin’s gaze. At least the conversation seems to be keeping Nami’s mind occupied as her breathing returns to normal. “...You don’t have to keep being nice to me. I get it. I left you all. You should hate me.”
Robin frowns at that, thinking back to try to work out when Nami had left them and coming up blanks. So much has happened the past month. Was there somet- “On skypiea?”
Nami sits up at that glaring “Don’t sound surprised. I left you all. I abandoned my friends to save myself. Again. But no one has mentioned it.” Nami looks angry, but behind the anger, hidden, is fear. True fear of losing them again.
Robin moves carefully, gently, to sit next to Nami rather than in front of her “Well, you saved yourself didn’t you? And because of that you were able to help Sanji and Usopp right?”
Nami stares at her “But… You… I left you when you were hurt…”
“So?” Robin looks at her seriously. She genuinely doesn’t see the issue with what Nami did. She knows the girl did what she had to, and they all ended up okay in the end so no worries.
Nami Sniffles, hugging herself “But… I… I thought you were all dead and… And I ran!” She yells as she starts crying, unable to hold it back.
Quickly Robin turns, wrapping Nami in a hug and pulling her into her chest “None of us blame you for what happened. You know that. What is this really about?” Robin had a suspicion, but she wanted Nami to say it herself, for the girl to acknowledge it.
Instead Nami just hides her head in Robin’s chest, sobbing. Unable to form words she simply cries into the older women, finding safety and comfort in her. And Robin offers that in full, bringing a hand to her hair, her back, and two more wrapping around her protectively. Gently she started rocking them both as Nami’s sobs began to slow, humming a gentle tune from her own long forgotten childhood.
In the dark of the night it was hard to tell how long they stayed like that, but not in any rush she allowed Nami to feel and let out her pain until she eventually cried herself to sleep, curled up small in Robin’s protective hold.
Still worried for her, Robin decided to lay them both on Nami’s bed, and fell asleep holding her.
In the morning Robin had attempted to get to the truth of what had happened, yet Nami had insisted nothing had happened and even went so far as to ignore Robin. Despite her concern Robin knew nothing would come from pushing her, so reluctantly she dropped the conversation and just kept an eye on the girl.
**
That had all happened 1 week ago. And now Nami once again was awake, silently panicking. But having confirmed Robin was alright and still asleep she slipped out of the room silently.
It was late and they were nearing a winter island now, but in her panic Nami forgot a jacket, still the cold wouldn’t stop her as she headed towards the male bunkroom. Technically the girls weren’t allowed in there, but that rule was never upheld and on the rare times the girls went in it was an important enough situation no one cared.
So quietly Nami walked to the mens bunkroom, not being far from the women's, and quietly opened the door. She has done this enough time now she got very good at avoiding making any noise. So quietly she slips the door open a little and slides into the room.
Just as she expected 3 of the Hammocks are occupied- Luffy half hanging out of his, Usopp gripping his slingshot, and finally Chopper curled into Sanji’s side, both of them on Sanji’s hammock. She smiles at the image of her family, taking a moment to listen to their breathing. Yet even seeing them all there there was still one person missing- Zoro.
Almost every night Zoro did night watch, only occasionally swapping with one of the others. And that made him the hardest to check, since he was up in the crows nest. Luckily she had gotten away without him noticing her somehow on the other occasions she has checked on him, so as she slips back out of the boys bunk room she makes her way up the ladder to the crows nest.
Whenever she goes up to check she never opens the hatch to the crows nest, instead listening out for his gentle breathing or the sounds of him training. And today was no different, as she reaches the top rung of the ladder she pauses listening for his breathing again. Except this time she frowns, there were two. But she had accounted for everyone already right? Who could the second set of breathing be? Had someone snuck onto the ship and was preparing to take out Zoro? Was the swordsman in danger? Was-
Before her thoughts could spiral more the hatch was opened and she got her answer as a disembodied hand appeared on her back. The sudden contact and movement cause her to yelp in surprise, and if it hadn’t been for the hand she would have fallen. Instead it held her tightly as a face appeared above her, speaking soothingly “Please come up Nami.”
Robin stepped back from the hatch, as she allowed Nami to make her way in, gently closing it again once she did. Nami does as instructed, unsure what else to do, and tries to keep her cool as she hugs herself looking at the pair in front of her.
It was clear Zoro had been on watch, still in his day clothes, just with the addition of a t-shirt. Robin however had been in her bed, her hair messed from sleep, and jacket thrown over her pyjamas. The only question was why.
“Nami. Why are you up so late?” Zoro frowns as he looks her over looking for injuries. But as he settles on her tear streaked face he frowns more “I knew I kept hearing someone.”
“You-you heard me?” Nami hugs herself, both trying to deflect the conversation and trying to see if he really could hear her.
“Yes, as I said. Though I did ask you a question first.” He crosses his arms over his chest, giving her what the crew had started dubbing his ‘Protective older brother’ face.
Nami lowers her head “I’m sorry…” That's all she can get out, how can she admit her continued failings to her family? How could she put that burden on them again after everything?
Gentle a hand appeared on her shoulder, and as she looked up Robin stood in front of her, a warm smile on her face “Nami-san. Breath. We are not angry at you, simply worried.” She kept her hand on Nami’s shoulder for a few moments while the girl's eyes slipped closed and she breathed. Only when she was sure the other was okay did Robin step back in line with Zoro, gesturing to the seats “Why don’t we sit down and take this slowly?”
Despite the wording it wasn’t really a question, Nami knew that as they sat down, Nami in between them, strangely though it didn’t feel stifling, instead feeling safe and protected. She looks down at her hands in her lap, waiting for their inevitable questions, but hoping by staying silent she can delay the conversation.
“Would you like to tell us what’s been going on?” It was robin again who spoke up, a gentle smile in her voice. “Have your nightmares come back?”
Reluctantly Nami nods, but then she shrugs “They… They never left?” Hearing that Robin frowns more, while Zoro looks confused.
“You’ve been having nightmares? For how long?” He leans down to try to look at her face, but Nami keeps her chin down, eyes trained on her hands.
“Since… Since Skypiea..” Beside her she hears a grunt, as Zoro pieces the situation together, and realising that Nami curls in on herself more “...I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to let it affect anyone else…”
“Affect- wait is that what you think the issue is? Nami. Look at me.” Zoro reaches for her shoulder, and slowly Nami turns her head to him. What she expects to see is a scowl, an annoyed face ready to yell at her and tell her exactly where she went wrong and what her actions have done to the crew. Instead what she sees is eyes filled with worry, a soft gentle expression filled with love and concern.
“Nami. We’re worried about you… Nothing else. You have been exhausted for weeks, snapping at Sanji, though shit cook deserves it.” That makes her chuckle, bringing a small smile to Zoro’s lips “You’ve been eating less, and you barely get happy at your maps and all that crap.”
Nami tries to look away, but then Robin is there gently taking her chin and forcing her to look at her instead “We don’t care about the others right now, we just want to help you. Can you talk with us?”
Their care, and concern finally breaks through Nami as she tears up, lip quivering “I… I tried so hard… I… I swear… I’m sorry..”
As she breaks she is pulled into Robin’s chest, Zoro’s arms quickly wrapping around her from behind as if the pair could hold them together and keep her standing. And she sobs, she sobs for all the pain she’s felt, for all the heartbreak and fear and guilt and sorrow she has been carrying, finally letting it all out to someone.
At some point they start rocking her gently, start stroking her hair and whispering words of reassurance, staying there with her for as long as she needs. Until slowly her sobs quieten, and her tears slow to just sniffles.
And only once her tears started drying, and they were sure she wouldn’t break apart again did they begin to pull away, reluctance evident as their contact lingers with a shoulder pressed to hers, and a hand on her knee.
It was Zoro who spoke up first “Nami, why were you apologising?” He had a suspicion her words were from something else, not the nightmare but something more.
Nami looks at his hair, looks past him at the sea, looks at the railing of the crows nest, anywhere so she doesn’t have to see his reaction when she speaks next “Because… Because of Skypiea.”
Zoro looks at her confused, unable to think of anything that she could need to apologise for, and while Robin knows what the girl means, but thinks Nami needs to say it, to clear herself. “Skypiea? Nami you didn’t do anything.”
“That’s the point!” It was a yell now as her anxiety gripped her “I didn’t do anything! I didn’t fight! I didn’t stay! I watched him kill you all and then I went with him! Because I’m nothing more than a coward, I’m pathetic and awful! I-I left my family to die again…” That last line had her tearing up again, she hadn’t even realised, all these weeks she hadn’t seen that was the heart of the issue, because she had nearly lost everything again, had nearly had to watch her family die and was prepared to leave them for her own sake: to save herself.
“You idiot.” Zoro gruffs as he hits her shoulder “Did you even think about it? We lost, me, and Robin lost in a fight. What the hell could you have done? Hell, Luffy barely beat the man, what makes you think you could have done anything.”
He pauses then, looking at Nami as he watches her take in his words, watching her realise the truth in them. “But… But I ran…” She frowns, hugging herself.
“You protected yourself. Nothing wrong with that. I would be more mad if you had stayed and been pointlessly injured.” He huffs “... This isn’t about your actions though, is it?”
Nami lowers her head, guilt crossing her face “...I left you… You were all dead..”
“Your nightmares, they aren’t the fact you left. They’re us being dead. You’re scared.” Zoro looks at her seriously, trying to help her process the information.
Robin stays quiet a moment, seeing if Nami will respond but when she doesn’t she sighs “You call out sometimes. You mumble in your sleep too. It is affecting you a lot, and hurting you. That's normal.” Robin had been hearing it ever since Nami cried to her that night, had been trying to plan how to help the girl since, and trying to piece everything together before Nami got worse.
“I… I’m sorry..” Nami lowers her head, shame and guilt taking hold of her again as she realises her issue has been visible to Robin for a while.
Zoro sighs now “That was your first time watching your friends nearly die. That shit is traumatic. Honestly we should have realised that before we left. That’s on us.”
“...What? You- You just blamed yourself for me panicking over your deaths?” Nami looks at him confused.
“Well, we didn’t exactly help you deal with your trauma did we? We all just kinda ignored it, we’re used to nearly dying, we forget how terrifying it is to see.”
“Y-you shouldn’t be used to that! You shouldn’t! And it shouldn’t be about me! You’re the ones who nearly died, not me!”
“But, thinking you have lost everyone you love, your family, that is traumatic.” Zoro’s voice has its usual gruffness, yet somewhere under there he has a hint of concern and worry for her, his protective instincts for his family coming through.
Nami frowns, in everything going on she hadn’t actually stopped to think about that part, the part where she had nearly lost them, the fear of thinking she was alone again, that no one was with her anymore and she had no one again. “I….”
“Something like that can be really traumatic Nami, it is no wonder you have been having panic attacks. You are worrying you have lost everyone aren’t you?” Unable to trust her voice, Nami just nods along with Robin’s words.
She is once again pulled into Robin’s chest, the girl unable to look at Nami’s broken face any longer. Gently she strokes her hair as she speaks “I’m sorry. It is really scary seeing your friends die. Next time we’ll be more aware and help you afterwards”
Zoro nods along “Yeah. But next time you gotta talk to us after too. We are dumbasses, you know that, so we might forget. But if you’re struggling, come find us. Got it?
Nami lowers her head in shame and nods “I’m sorry..”
Zoro watches her and frowns “What? What’s making you not want to come to us?”
Nami curses Zoro in her head for always being able to read her, curses him for caring and seeing she was still unwilling to agree “... You all already have so much going on, why should my issues be put on top of that too? You always have bigger issues than mine.”
Zoro frowns more, tugging Nami so she would face him “Do you seriously think any of us care about that? We’re Nakama. Everyone would drop everything to help each other, including you. I don’t care what I’ve got going on, you need me, you come find me. Got it?”
Nami tears up again but nods “G-got it… Thank you.”
“Idiot.” Zoro smiles sadly and pulls her into his chest rubbing her back. He knew it wouldn’t be a simple fix, that trauma couldn’t go away after one night, and there was sure to be more with their line of work, but for now things could at least get a little bit easier, if even for a short amount of time.
For now though they would stay like that. Zoro still had night watch, but Nami was enjoying curling into his chest so she stayed there, and ends up falling asleep there, held in Zoro’s protective embrace. Noticing this Zoro smiles, gently playing with her hair, and Robin quietly leave the pair going back to her own bed after putting a blanket over Nami to make sure she doesn’t catch a cold.
As they suspected it hadn’t been a permanent fix. But now when Nami would wake up in the middle of the night she would either wake up Robin and they would cuddle until Nami felt safe enough to go to sleep again, or Nami would join Zoro on watch. They didn’t always talk about what happened, both letting Nami decided, but they enjoyed each others company as she calmed down. Sometimes they would talk about random things, sometimes they would talk about Skypiea or other adventures, and sometimes they were quiet, ignoring Nami’s sniffles until the girl mentioned it or fell back asleep.
It became something Zoro looked forward to, not having Nami upset of course, but holding the younger as she slept, tangibly knowing he was keeping his crew safe while on night watch was something he cherished. Both of them grew more protective of the younger girl, even during the day, helping her out in small ways.
For the first week this happened nearly daily, but with their gentle reassurances and the crew's extra love during the day, eventually she became better again, only seeking the others' comfort once a month. And if she started sitting with Zoro during his naps during the day, or she and Robin would quietly work on their own activities side by side, well that was just what Nakama does.