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Ansyn gasped softly, his red eyes flying open and twitching around the alleyway he was in, as something slowly dawned on him...
“N-No,” He whimpered, pulling his shoulders up and lowering his head, stumbling backwards. “N-No! No! I don't want to exist again! NO! TAKE ME AWAY LIKE YOU DID BEFORE!”
He cried out, his immature voice cracking under the strain as he sobbed and grabbed onto the ears of his hood, pulling it down as he backed away until his back hit a wall, making him flinch and whimper.
The last thing he remembered was Ancap showing him all those awful things about Commie... all those things he’d said—he... he didn’t really say that, right? Ancap must’ve done something .
But how could he have faked the chat on Ansyn’s phone? Why would he tie him loose and hold him in his arms?
Ansyn blinked the tears away and hesitantly looked past the rim of the hood at his surroundings.
He didn’t know where he was, but from the gleaming yellow lights at the end of the dim passage, it was easy to assume.
Had he been trying to escape Ancap? Why was he here? WHY was HE here??? He didn’t want to be! He didn’t want to be aware of anything!
“Mh,” He mumbled with a sniffle and let himself sink down onto the floor, pulling his legs up to his chest, wrapping his red tail around his legs.
Not wearing a skirt felt so weird. Not being exposed felt weird.
He looked down at his thick arms, and the rough hands covered by fingerless gloves with metal studs on the knuckles. When had all of this happened? Last he remembered... before waking up with Ancap... was skinny, with skin that was definitely somewhat softer then.
Ansyn hugged his legs tightly as more tears filled his eyes. He didn’t understand anything. He didn’t understand what had taken him away last time, but in that moment, he didn’t have to. It all just needed to end. But now here he was... back again, with another severe memory gap. What was happening to him? Had it happened before??
Before all of this? Whatever this was?
He tried to think back, but everything appeared so fuzzy and the more he tried to remember anything about his life, the more it seemed to escape him. He... couldn’t even stitch a whole year together properly.
Why had Commie never said anything? Or helped him? Did he know? What happened to him during the times where he wasn’t there??
None of this made any sense at all.
Of course it doesn’t make sense to me , Ansyn thought with a sniffle, pushing his face into his knees. Nothing ever does! I’m an idiot! Nothing makes sense to me? Oh, what a big shocker! Didn't expect THAT from someone like me!
He pushed his knees tighter together while pushing his feet apart and up, bouncing his legs on his toes.
Commie wasn’t here to help him now or to tell him what was going on, or to tell him what to think of all of this. He was... lost and completely alone, thrown into an area he’d never been in before without any memories to help him at all.
Oh, Tankie... I wish you could just... come around the corner and take me into your arms and tell me that it’s all just a nightmare. I don’t want to be alone—I-I’m not used to being alone.
He rested his crossed arms on his knees, gripping onto the sleeves of his hoodie as his legs shook faster. Someone please help me! Someone save me! I-I don’t know what to do on my own—please—
Ansyn cried harder, sobbing and desperately pulling on his sleeves, trying to somehow cope with... just about everything.
But no one came into the alley. No one placed a hand on his shoulder or pulled him into their arms. No one told him how he was such a silly anarkiddie for getting lost like this.
No, he was still here thirty minutes later... but now his tears slowly began to run out and he sniffled again, wiping the snot off of his nose and daring to glance around again with his puffy red eyes.
He didn’t have the courage to just get up and go somewhere. He was in Ancapistan! This place must be crawling with bad people just waiting to pounce on someone like him!! Never mind that he didn’t know where he was going! And he was taught to not move, and let Tankie come find him instead, because he would only make everything worse if he tried to figure it out himself.
So, there was only one thing he could think of, one thing he remembered.
His trembling hand slid into the right pocket of his pants, hitting the phone inside it. He grabbed onto it and pulled it out, squinting at the brightness once he’d turned it on.
After blinking a few times and letting his eyes adjust, he could make out his lockscreen and it made his stomach turn.
It was a picture of... him and Ancap, both of them smiling happily with a faint blush on their faces while their heads rested against one another.
He stared at his own face at the screen, at the amber eyes looking back at him... it was as if he couldn’t recognise himself. He could hardly feel the phone in his hand and that same sensation spread through the rest of his body until his eyes kept unfocusing, unwilling or perhaps unable to keep eye contact with its imposter.
Ansyn closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths to attempt and chase the numbness away, to grasp onto his focus again.
He had to find a way to get out of here and somewhere safe, that’s all that mattered right now. Everything else... he could probably figure out. As much as he hated the idea, Ancap would probably be the one to know most of the things he needed answers to. But how much could you trust a lying snake?
I don’t have a choice, do I? He blinked, slowly opening his eyes again. Tankie... I don’t know how to get to him and—
Memories of the texts he’d seen flooded his mind, he visceral descriptions of Commie threatening to rape and beat him. His stomach turned, one half of his mind didn’t want to believe it, while the other darkly recalled the few times he’d woken up with pains in various areas of his body without remembering what had caused them.
M-Maybe I don’t want to.
What a traitor he’d become, letting that capitalist’s words infiltrate his mind so easily.
His eyes wandered over the lockscreen again, getting caught on Ancap’s face. Tankie was right when he called me a capitalist pawn.
With slightly blurred vision, he rested his finger on the fingerprint sensor, watching the phone unlock, proving to him that this, indeed, was his phone, and not some decoy Ancap could’ve planted on him. It made him shiver.
At least his homescreen wasn’t him cuddling with Ancap... but it wasn’t much better, because it was a group photo of Ancom, two ideologies who seemed to belong to this yellow quadrant as well, and Posadist. At least one of these people wasn’t a complete betrayal to what was supposed to be him.
What am I even supposed to be? Ansyn’s finger hovered over the messenger app. Whatever Tankie tells me to be... b-but what am I if he isn’t around to tell me anymore?
He stared at his red thumb, lit up by an equally red glow. He never actually thought about what his colours meant, or why they were different from the other extremists. Was he supposed to only be green? Had he only been green before?
It didn’t matter. Those were more questions he could throw on the pile.
Ansyn opened the messenger app and let his eyes wander over the available chats. Most of these people’s names meant absolutely nothing to him. Not like he was allowed to hang out with other ideologies much at all, especially not ones that weren’t red... and from what he could tell basically no one here was.
What have I become? Who are all these people? They... most of them are anarchists. Tankie said these people are dangerous... why am I texting them? And why do they have... hearts and sparkles behind their names like we’re friends? I... have friends?
He pulled his shoulders up and looked further down, stopping once he saw Posadist’s chat. This was someone he knew! He could ask xem what was going on! But... how could xe help him when xe was quite literally at the other end of the compass?
The only people who can help me here are yellows... but I can’t trust them so, oh Tankie what do I do?
Ansyn scrolled back up to look at the very first chat on the list, which unsurprisingly was Ancap. He clicked on it with a trembling thumb, catching onto the last message in the chat sent by Ancap, adorned with a heart reaction from him.
It read: “Okay, Ancom, have fun!! Make sure to not stay out too late and not cause too much property damage, haha! Love you! <3”
Silently Ansyn scrolled up, reading the chat. How could he remember nothing of this? How could he treat Ancap with so much... endearment? The number of hearts sent between them made him sick and yet feel so comforted at the same time. Even when Ancap would ask him to run a small errand, there was a heart at the end of the message. The amount of “I love yous” sent by Ancap... just unprompted... he remembered back when he used to text with Commie, he barely ever said “I love you” first.
Why would someone who is supposed to be his number one enemy express so much affection even just through text? Maybe he did mean what he said?
Commie had told him that Ancap was sneaky and that he would pull evil tricks, but... this had been going on for so long... and never once had Ancap stopped being so affectionate. What did he even gain from this?
I don’t know. I’m not... smart enough to see through his schemes. Only Tankie can do that... only—only he can.... tell me what’s right—
Ansyn squinted at the headache that suddenly emerged. If he truly was the only one who could, then why had he been apparently doing just fine? In all these messages... he seemed happy.
He navigated out of the phone app to the gallery and into the camera roll, looking at various photos he must’ve taken, but in each and every one, he looked so... happy and healthy. So many of him hanging out with people, laughing and playing games... so many of Ancap and him cuddling. So many pictures of Ancap just... existing. Sometimes in front of the skyline of Ancapistan, while he was laughing, presumably from Ansyn surprise photo. Life seemed... good.
How... I don’t understand— New tears welled up in his eyes as he stared at another photo of Ancap, smiling, his emerald eyes catching the sunlight. I don’t understand how this... why would I? Why would he? Does... does he actually... love me? Did I choose to go with him? I would never—
Ansyn swallowed hard past the lump in his throat, and just then a new message popped up over the photo. His eyes twitched up to it... and of course, it was a message from Ancap.
Without thinking he clicked on it and numbly read what had been sent: “Hey!! I just wanted to check in! It’s getting pretty late, or well, almost early, haha! So... I just wanted to make sure everything was alright.”
He cares. He... he doesn’t tell me to come back, he just wants to... know if I’m okay. I didn’t run away from him... I—I can just go whenever and wherever I want?
He stared at the message with unshed tears in the corners of his eyes. What was he supposed to reply? He needed help. He didn’t know where he was! He needed someone to hold him and bring him back into safety, but there was still a part of him that resisted the idea of mingling with Ancap. Or trusting him.
“Ancom?” A new message appeared and he didn’t realise that he had just been absendly staring for ten minutes.
The messages kept going out of focus, no matter how many times he blinked. He couldn’t stay here. Everything felt so wrong and he still could barely feel his own body. Whether he liked it or not... this was his safest shot. He... did trust Ancap more than any of the other citizens around here. So quickly he typed a single “help”, noticing how stiff his fingers were to move from the cool night air he hadn’t sensed.
He watched Ancap type, before stopping and instead a call popped up on his screen. He stared, unable to take it, and so Ancap typed again. “Ancom, what is going on?? Where are you?”
“i don’t know! i’m lost, please help me—” Ansyn typed shakily and sniffled, further curling into himself.
“Okay, calm down. Can you pick up the phone?”
“no”
“Alright, just... are you in Ancapistan still?”
“yes, i think so... there are yellow lights—”
“Then can’t you just use CompassNav to find your way?”
“no! i don’t know where to go... please just, PLEASE come find me!”
“Oh—You’re not Ancom, are you? Shit, okay, hang on, can you send me your location? I’ll be right there.”
Ansyn fumbled around with the phone, trying to figure out how to do what was asked of him, and luckily found the button quickly, sending him his location.
“Thank you, just sit tight, I won’t be long.”
“okay thank you”
He watched a little yellow heart reaction appear on his message and it both grossed him out and made his insides feel warm. Ancap would help him... just like that. He’d shown concern... he would be his saviour.
Ansyn turned the phone off and put it back into his pocket, slowly beginning to feel the cold that seeped into his bones making him shiver, and yet he sat absolutely still, waiting in silence, focusing on the sounds around him that only now seemed to properly reach his mind.
The cars that drove by not too far from here, the faint chatter and even fainter music that came from somewhere, and then suddenly he heard a car door slamming shut, followed by hurried footsteps.
His half-lidded eyes opened and he slowly turned his head towards the sound, seeing Ancap rushing towards him.
His immediate instinct still was to recoil, but he managed to bite that back.
“O-oh, Ansyn! Hey...” Ancap slowed down the instant he recognised him and crouched down a little bit. “Hey... I’m here now.”
Ansyn stared at him quietly, now remembering all the photos and text messages. His face had usually been so warm in them, but now it was filled with worry and a slight hint of fear and apprehension.
I killed him , Ansyn remembered numbly. I-I... how could I—Kill someone? Even if it was Ancap... I could’ve just run away. I was scared—
A hand gently touched his shoulder and he went from staring through Ancap, to actually looking at him again.
“It’s okay... do you want me to bring you back to the house?”
“Yes,” Ansyn whispered thinly.
“Alright, come here,” Ancap gently took one of Ansyn’s arms and draped it over his shoulder, letting one of his wrap around his back.
Ansyn pushed himself up with Ancap’s help, stumbling against him with a soft grunt.
“You’re so cold... how long have you been here?” Ancap asked in concern was he led them slowly back to the car.
“I... I don’t know. Everything is so... I don’t know anything,” Ansyn sobbed softly, clinging onto Ancap’s suit jacket with one hand.
“You knew to text me,” Ancap smiled faintly. “And... it’s not your fault, anyway. I don’t think you chose to be here.”
“I didn’t,” Ansyn mumbled, looking at the fancy car in front of him and clumsily got in, letting himself sink onto the warm, comfortable seat, feeling how he began to thaw almost immediately. He sighed and snuggled deeper into it.
Ancap got in beside him. “Do you know what possibly made you come out?”
“No... no I have no idea... suddenly I just—” Ansyn shrugged and looked out the window at all the gold that surrounded him. “I told you I don’t know anything.”
“That’s okay, don’t worry about it, you don’t need to know,” Ancap smiled. “The most important thing is that you’re safe.”
Ansyn quietly looked down at his legs, taking the tail that was draped over it into his hands, feeling the red energy of it against his hands. “Who am I?”
Ancap glanced at him. “You’re... you’re Ansyn.”
“But what does that mean ?” He mumbled holding his tail tighter.
“I don’t know,” Ancap raised his shoulders apologetically.
“Why do people keep calling me Ancom? Am I Ancom? Am I not Ansyn?”
“It’s... complicated to explain,” Ancap shifted. “I really wish... ah, look— I tried to tell you before... you’re not the only person in your head. There are two more... and when they’re in control you can’t really remember anything. Ancom... qui is the main person, the one who is usually present and so...”
Ansyn looked at him. “So I’m just? I’m not real?? I’m just an imagination??”
“What? No! No, no you are real! You’re just... sharing a body with two others, like a commune? All of you are still real, you just... live together very closely.”
All of this sounded incredibly confusing and nonsensical. Why would something like this even happen? And why to him of all people? How did he get here? And... what was he supposed to do with this information?
“I wish I wasn’t real,” Ansyn mumbled softly and leaned against the window. “I wish... “Ancom” would come and put me back into whatever I was in before today.”
“Hey, don’t say that,” Ancap gently touched his shoulder for a short moment. “You also have a right to be here.”
“I don’t want to though!” Ansyn snapped, pushing his face into his hands. “I-I... everything is ruined! I don’t know what to do— I-I want Tankie, but also I don’t. I’m so scared— I just... I wish I didn’t know—And you... you’re so... do you actually love me?”
“I love Ancom and I will also love you, in whatever way is best for you. I’m here for all three of you,” Ancap explained gently and pulled into the driveway for their house. “And... Ansyn, I’m sorry for showing you all those screenshots but... you have to understand that Commie isn’t good for any of you.”
Ansyn glanced over at Ancap with a small spark of rage that was a lot more subdued than it had been the first time. He couldn’t bring himself to be genuinely defensive after everything he’d read and the faint memories it had brought with it.
“Did... did he do the things he wrote to me? Before I came here?”
“Y-Yeah... he did.”
Ansyn pulled his shoulders up and began to cry. “W-Why? Why would he do... any of this— I don’t understand... he loves me! He always loved me! F-From the start once he found me... he... I thought—”
“When he found you?” Ancap echoed, but then leaned over to comfort Ansyn. “I... don’t know why he did all of these horrible things, I’m sorry... but he can’t do them anymore.”
“D-Do you think he ever loved me?” Ansyn whispered with a thin voice.
Ancap stayed quiet for a very long time. “...no. From what Ancom told me... he was obsessed more than anything.”
Ansyn tensed up and curled into a ball again with a loud sob, gripping onto his hoodie, overwhelmed by the pain in his chest. Why would Commie ever lie to him? After he’d taken him in like that? Taken care of him and told him exactly how everything worked? Was... all of that a lie too?
Suddenly he felt like he didn’t actually know anything of the world at all.
Ancap’s hand gently wandered over his back. “I know... I know.”
He pushed up into his touch, desperate to feel any reassurance by anyone at all.
“Come on, let’s get you inside, okay? It’ll be more comfortable there.”
“Mh... mhm,” Ansyn sobbed, whimpering at the withdrawal of Ancap’s hand as he got out of the car, walking around its front and opening the passenger door, helping Ansyn get out.
They stumbled into the house, while Ansyn tried to somehow calm himself down, but it was useless, his mind was in complete chaos and disarray.
“Here we are,” Ancap gently sat him down on the couch, and the second he did, he tackled him in a tight hug, crying louder into his suit.
Ancap grunted in surprise, but wrapped his arms around him, holding him closely. “I’ve got you; it’s going to be okay.”
“It’s not!” Ansyn cried out, his voice cracking. “It’s not at all!! Nothing will ever be okay! What am I without him?? What am I going to do? Why would he... I don’t understand why he would— do all of this... he-he found me. He c-cared for me! D-Didn't he? H-He took me under his wing! I-I don’t understand... why do I never understand—”
Ancap didn’t respond and instead just hugged him tighter. Ansyn didn’t even know what he’d want him to say anyway, or if there even were answers to his questions. He could almost hear what Commie would say. How he’d explain that he did all of this for them, how this was for the best... but why did the best feel this bad ?
“H-He... told me everything I know,” Ansyn sniffled. “If all of that is a lie... am I a lie too?”
“No,” Ancap mumbled softly, resting his chin on his head. “You can be your own person, Ansyn. You don’t have to be defined by him anymore, okay?”
“B-But then... who am I defined by? Who do I listen to?”
“No one. I-I mean you’re not defined by anyone! And when it comes to who to listen to... I mean whoever you want, I guess. Ancom has a bunch of friends, and I’m sure they would be just as open to talking to you as they are with quem!”
“You think so? I... I never had friends, except for Tankie and sometimes Posadist.”
“Yeah... I thought so, but that can change, too.”
Ansyn opened his eyes again, the tension of his body fleeting a little bit and he turned his head so his ear rested against Ancap’s chest. His eyes wandered around the fancy yet chaotic loving room, while he listened to Ancap’s steady heartbeat and breathing in his scent, overlayed by expensive perfume. He smelled nothing like Commie had... but he didn’t mind it so much.
“C-Can I... can I listen to you too?”
“O-Oh! Uh... I mean o-of course, if you want to. I didn’t think you would...”
“You’re nice to me,” Ansyn mumbled. “E-Even after I... after what I did—And I read the chat... and all the pictures in the gallery—Tankie never... he never told me that he loved me so much after... just—he just stopped at some point.”
Ancap stayed quiet for a drawn-out moment and then sighed, gently petting Ansyn’s head which was still covered by the hood. “I’m really sorry about what happened to you, Ansyn.”
“It... It wasn’t bad. O-Or at least I didn’t think it was,” Ansyn confessed, pressing his head stronger against Ancap and fidgeting with his tie, feeling it’s soft fabric on his calloused hands. “He... I thought he was good to me, but... after you showed me— I remembered being in pain and not knowing why. A-And after reading the chat I realised... I-I thought everything was normal.”
“You couldn’t have known otherwise,” Ancap reassured him, gently squeezing him in the hug for a short moment.
Ansyn sighed softly, looking down at his red fingers. What would become of him now? Did it even matter? He just... wanted to stop feeling abandoned and empty and lost. It was as if the red inside him was slowly rotting away and leaving behind nothing but a potent void that needed filling.
He glanced up at Ancap’s concerned and sympathetic face. I could fill myself with him... the way he holds me—A-Ancom likes him... Ancom... doesn’t like Commie... so maybe qui knows what’s right for us, for me? Maybe Ancap can tell me what to think from now on instead. He’s all that I have now, he loves me, he holds me and saves me. He said he would tell me things. I can listen... I hope I won’t be too stupid to learn like I was with Commie. I wonder if Ancap will also want to touch me as a reward? Was that also bad?
Ancap was still petting his head gently. I can ask him! He says he will tell me everything from now on!
“Ancap?”
“Yeah?”
“Was it bad that Commie would touch me sometimes? As a reward for me or for him?”
Ancap’s face paled and he softly replied. “Y-Yes, I think it was. You don’t really seem to know what he was doing.”
“He told me eventually,” Ansyn confessed snuggling against him. “B-But... it did feel weird especially at the start... at some point it didn’t feel so weird anymore... it’s just normal, and I did really like it sometimes.”
“Did he ever ask you before doing anything like that?”
“No? Is he supposed to?” Ansyn looked up at him with big, confused eyes, as Ancap looked even sicker.
“Yes. He absolutely is supposed to do that. Don’t let anyone just touch you, okay? If anyone does that again, you punch them.”
“Punch them?? Are you sure? E-Even when they’re a friend?”
“Absolutely!” Ancap tried to sit up, but Ansyn’s weight was too much for him to simply push up with him.
Ansyn did get the hint though and lifted himself off of him so they were sitting in front of each other. Ancap took Ansyn’s hands into his.
“Listen, if anyone tries to be close to you in any way you don’t like, you push them away, or punch them. They’re violating your boundaries, and so you are free to hit them.”
Ansyn’s eyes sparkled listening to him. That sounded a lot more fun than what Commie had always told him to do. He was actually allowed to do something instead of just sitting and taking it?? He gripped Ancap’s hands back. “O-Okay! I can do that!”
Ancap smiled, and it was so warm and genuine that Ansyn had to pause. He suddenly remembered Commie’s smiles... how they had been warm too exactly like this... but his eyes had always been so cold behind it.
He looked up at Ancap’s shades uncertainly and reached out for them with a shaking hand... but Ancap didn’t stop him, letting him take the glasses off, revealing his emerald eyes which shone with the same warmth and care as his smile had.
Ansyn’s eyes grew wider, feeling a ripple of comfort spread out underneath his skin. No one had ever looked at him like this, not even close. He smiled back at him.
“Thank you, Ancap,” Ansyn mumbled and leaned closer to him, ready to make their lips meet in the only show of affection he really knew, but Ancap gently pushed him down.
“Of course, always, but... let’s wait with that, okay?”
“Wh-What why? I-I thought you liked me? A-And I like you so?”
“I know, and I do like you, but there are different ways of expressing that,” Ancap pulled them into a hug again.
“I don’t... I don’t understand,” Ansyn sniffled softly and hesitantly hugged him back.
“Look... when Commie engaged with you like that... it was way too fast. He... he probably just did it for his own enjoyment. I think... I think you should take some time to find yourself and actually realise what any of this means before you slowly get back into gestures like this.”
Ansyn still didn’t get what was wrong with it, but his still malleable brain tried to accept what he’d said and nodded softly. “O-Okay! I can do that!”
“Good!” Ancap smiled and rubbed his shoulder. “Me and your friends will help you, okay? Whenever you need us.”
Ansyn smiled and nuzzled his head into Ancap’s suit, his tail coiling around his leg. “Thank you... I’m finally safe now, aren’t I?”
“Yes,” Ancap reassured him softly. “You are. Nothing bad will happen to you anymore if we can help it.”
Ansyn blushed softly, watching Ancap’s yellow glow dance in front of his eyes. My actual saviour... I had it all so wrong... but maybe I understand now. Ancap isn’t evil... he is the good in the world Commie tried to hide. He is true... he is everything.