Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“So, Jester,” asks Beau casually, “when you said you got lessons in sex, how did that, you know, work?”

“Well, my mom told me a lot of things,” says Jester frankly, “and I learned a lot more from watching.”

“Uh…watching?” inquires Beau, as Fjord’s face suffuses a deeper shade of green. “You mean you, like, watched your mom while she was with clients?”

“Well, sure,” says Jester. “I mean, she didn’t mind.”

As Fjord buries his face in his hands, Nott asks, “So what sort of stuff did you learn?”

“Well, like, for instance, I learned that a lot of men really like it if you touch their ears like this,” replies Jester.

“And I go over to Fjord and start stroking his ears,” continues Laura, as the other players giggle wildly.

Choking on laughter, Matt sputters, “Make a Dexterity check.”

“Please roll high,” breathes Taliesin, peeping over Laura’s shoulder as she picks through her assortment of dice.

“I’m using this sparkly blue one,” announces Laura in her Jester voice before letting the die clatter onto the table. “Oo!” Taliesin grins widely as she peers at her character sheet and announces, “Eighteen!”

“Eighteen?” echoes Matt. “Okay. Fjord,” he continues, turning to Travis, “it feels really fucking good.”

“Uh, Jester,” says Fjord awkwardly, “maybe you shouldn’t…ahhhh…do that right now.” He attempts to shift aside as Molly grins and waggles his eyebrows at him across the table.

“Why not, Fjord?” purrs Jester, continuing to tease Fjord’s earlobe with her fingertips. “Is it getting you all hot and bothered?”

“Um…” stutters Fjord, “I, uh, I have to…leave now…” He hastily scoops up his bag from the table and holds it in front of him as he scuttles from the room.

As he vanishes out the door, he hears Jester’s voice behind him explaining matter-of-factly, “He probably wants to go and masturbate.”

The room explodes in laughter.

Chapter Text

“So,” begins Matt, “you all come to consciousness in your rooms in Caleb’s nine-sided tower, some of you alone, some paired off together, taking comfort in each other’s presence before the battle to come…”

Liam interjects, “Can I just take a quick minute for Orym?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“Okay, so as Orym wakes up in Dorian’s arms, not for the first time, but the first time he really knows it’s meant something to them both…”

Orym lifts his head and looks into Dorian’s face, gently whispering, “Hey, are you awake?”

Dorian shifts and blinks his eyes open. “I’ve been awake for a little while. I just didn’t want this moment to end.”

Looking earnestly into Dorian’s face, Orym says softly, “This could be our last day on Exandria. Could I…can I kiss you?”

Dorian’s breath escapes in a sigh. “Yes, please.”

Raising himself slightly, Orym leans forward and gently presses his lips against Dorian’s…

“…and just gives him a very soft, long, tender kiss,” says Liam. “It’s not aggressive at all, there’s no tongue…”

“Oh, come on,” grumbles Sam under his breath.

“…but just taking this one moment to let out all these feelings that he’s been holding in for so long, and let Dorian feel how much he means to him.”

There are a few wistful smiles around the table, and a little “Aww” from Ashley.

Robbie responds, “Being kind of inexperienced in these matters, Dorian doesn’t try to push it any further, he lets Orym take the lead, but…”

His hand reaches up and curls softly into Orym’s hair as the kiss lingers. As they part, he gazes into Orym’s face and says, “If we do die today, I will die happy, with this moment in my heart.”

A hint of a mischievous smile creeps onto Orym’s face. “And if, somehow, we both live through this, there’s a whole lot more where that came from.”

“Well, that’s definitely worth living for.” Dorian takes a deep breath and lets it out. “I’d better go back to my room and collect my stuff.”

“And he gets up and shrugs into his coat and sort of pulls it around himself to hide his erection as he scurries back to his room,” continues Robbie, provoking an outbreak of guffaws around the table.

“Can I make a Perception check to see if Braius notices it as he comes out of his room?” counters Sam.

With an amused huff, Matt replies, “Sure, make a Perception check. Dorian, you can make…I guess this would be a Stealth check. Stealth or Deception.”

Robbie rolls a d20. “Urgh, not great! Nine?”

“Natural one,” says Sam. “Totally failed my dick check.” As the laughter around the table rises again, he continues, “So I run up to him.”

“Dorian! Dorian!” shouts Braius. “I knocked on your door last night, but you were out cold. I just wanted to show you—I finished my portrait of Orym and it’s fucking amazing! Look!” Proudly he produces the small canvas, showing a stippled image that perfectly captures the lithe shape of Orym moving through his Zephran sword poses. “Do you think he’ll like it? I think this is definitely the best chance I have of getting into those tight leather pants of his.”

The laughter grows louder as Robbie makes a face somewhere between enthusiasm and embarrassment. “It’s fantastic, Braius, really. Only I think, maybe, you know, with all that’s going on, this might not be the best time to show it to him?”

“What are you talking about?” huffs Braius in his husky voice. “We could all die today. This might be the only chance I’ll get.”

“Yeah, yeah, I see what you mean,” flounders Dorian, growing faintly violet in the face. “But, you know, maybe don’t distract him right now? I mean, we need to be focused for this mission, and if all he can think about is you and your sinewy muscles, right…?”

“Yeah, okay, you’re right, you’re right,” concedes Braius. “I’ll save it for the celebration if we survive this. What are you doing out so early, anyway? Are you just wearing your pajamas under that coat?”

“I, yeah, totally distracted, you know! Gotta get my head in the game!”

“And I run in my room and lock the door,” finishes Robbie, as a red-faced Taliesin bangs his fist on the table in laughter.

“By the way, Orym totally noticed it,” adds Liam.

“Oh, of course, with your passive Perception?” says Robbie. “He wasn’t even trying to hide it from you.”

“And he is thrilled. There’s a little spring in his step as he hops out of his little cabana and sees Braius standing there in front of Dorian’s door.”

“Hey there, big guy!”

“Oh! Oh, good morning, Orym,” says Braius, quickly trying to hide the portrait behind his back.

“Whatcha got there?”

“Oh, it’s nothing, it’s just…it’s a little something I painted.”

“Oh, can I see it?”

“Uh, no, it’s, uh…it’s not quite ready yet. I’ll show it to you tonight. If we’re not dead.”

“Well, nothing’s ever guaranteed. But I have to say, right now I kind of have a good feeling about our chances.”

“That’s good to hear,” responds Braius, looking puzzled.

“Okay, see you at breakfast!”

“And I leap into the middle of the room and yell ‘Up!’ and go shooting off to the dining room,” concludes Liam.

“I stand there watching him go,” says Sam, “and then I turn and look at Dorian’s closed door, and then I go, ‘No, there’s no fucking way,’ and I put away the picture and jump up after him.”

Chapter Text

“Is that everything for the Mighty Nein?” asks Matt. “Is there anything else any of you would like to do in the days and weeks following this transition to a new age?”

“Caleb has one more little thing,” replies Liam in his Zemnian accent. “As soon as he’s sure Essek is not in any immediate danger, he will go into his study and start copying out a couple of scrolls, and before we all return home, he will go and talk to Veth…”

He finds her in his workshop, tapping out flash powder into small tubes. “Veth, may I speak to you privately for a few minutes?”

“Of course,” replies Veth, looking up from the workbench. “What’s wrong? Is it Essek? Are you two having problems?”

“No, everything is all right there, at least for now…”

“You know I still have one of those rhino sex potions I stole in Rosohna, if that would help.” As titters break out around the table, Sam continues, “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I hear it happens to a lot of human males as they get older.”

“Potion of Viagra,” chortles Travis.

“It’s not even that,” counters Marisha. “Yeza said it wasn’t real. It’s like fake Viagra that you get spam about.”

“V-1-agra,” puts in Taliesin.

“No, thank you, I do not require any assistance in that area,” says Caleb. “I am a transmuter, after all.” Liam raises a wry eyebrow as he says it, and the laughter erupts again. “Flesh to stone!” exclaims Laura, grasping an imaginary penis in her hands. “Actually, I have a little present for you.”

“A present? Oh, my gosh, is it Winter’s Crest already? I didn’t get you anything, we’ve been so busy with all the stuff going on…”

“No, no, it is just a little…”

“I could go steal you something real quick!”

“That is very kind of you, but first let me show you what I have.” Caleb produces the two scrolls from his bag and continues, “Have you spoken to Yeza before about your, ah, your interest in minotaurs?”

Veth’s eyes go wide. “What? No, of course not! I don’t want him to think I’m not satisfied with him! I mean, our sex life is totally fantastic, he’s always up for anything—pegging, wax play, golden showers…” Sam ticks the phrases off on his fingers as Matt buries his reddening face in his hands. “I don’t want him to feel bad about this one thing he can’t do for me.”

“Yes, well, that is just what I would like to offer.” Caleb unrolls the first scroll and shows it to her. “This is a scroll of Seeming. You have seen me use this before to change our appearance. If Yeza is agreeable to it, you could use it to make him take on the appearance of a minotaur.”

Veth’s mouth drops open. “Really? You mean the whole thing, the horns, the ears, the—” she gestures toward her crotch while giving Caleb a significant look. The cast sputters with laughter. “Bull maaaaan!” says Ashley in a low roar, raising both hands in front of her to pantomime a massive pillar rising from her lap.

“Well, the spell has its limitations,” cautions Caleb. “It can change only what is seen and not what is felt. So, if you wished to take this bull by the horns, for instance, there would be no actual horns to grasp.”

Veth looks downcast for a moment, then brightens. “I could make him some! If I gave him a helmet with horns on it, the spell would make them look real, wouldn’t it?”

“That is certainly a possibility,” Caleb acknowledges. “But the spell is also unable to change the size of a creature. It could make Yeza appear up to a foot taller, but it cannot give him the actual, ah, proportions of a minotaur in any respect.”

“A mini-taur?” suggests Marisha.

Veth frowns. “Maybe I could make him another helmet for that,” she suggests, gesturing again to her nether regions, “with a sort of sleeve to go over…” Most of the cast is literally doubled over with laughter at this point, and Travis is wiping tears from his eyes.

“Which brings us to this,” Caleb hastily interjects, unrolling the second scroll. “This scroll is an Enlarge spell, which can change a creature’s physical size. This would allow Yeza to be the size of a real minotaur, but only for one minute.”

“Oh! Oh, that would be wonderful,” sighs Veth. “But…just one minute? Is there any way to make it longer?”

“That’s what she said!” blurts out Robbie, almost involuntarily, at the same time that Taliesin murmurs, “Isn’t that what it’s for?”

Caleb clears his throat. “It is possible there might be some means of adapting one or both spells to make the illusion more realistic, or to give it a longer duration. But I thought this would be good for a start, always assuming that Yeza is on board with it. It will not work without his consent,” he adds sternly. “You will need to be honest with him about what you wish to do.”

“Of course!” returns Veth, looking affronted. “I don’t lie to my husband! Only to, you know, world leaders and stuff!”

“That’s good to hear,” says Caleb with a smile, as Veth rolls up the scrolls and squirrels them away in her bag.

“Caleb, this is the best gift anyone’s ever given me!” Veth throws her arms around him. “Thank you so much! You know what? I am going to go steal something for you. You deserve it! I’ll be right back!” She scampers out the door, leaving her half-finished fireworks on the bench.

“That is really not necessary!” Caleb calls after her.

“She’s already gone,” says Sam.