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"colet, ano ba?"
the venue was loud, the kind that could burst your eardrums if you weren't familiar with its rhythm. there were all kinds of people there, and when there were such diversity, there was also the unknown, the uncertain, the unpredictable.
colet had a hard time facing these outlandish seas of unfamiliarity. the unknown terrified her, kept her at bay. colet hated not knowing what to expect, every stranger felt like a question she couldn't answer. maloi had always guided colet through the buzzing crowd of strange masks, through blades of foreign faces. colet followed, and maloi treaded. that was always the case.
but tonight, they're following a completely different frequency. somewhere... away, somewhere unfamiliar.
"colet, please lang. ang hirap nang palagi na lang akong nanghuhula. just… just tell me what's wrong."
the music pounded through the walls, both of them could feel it in their bones. but no sound could drown out the feelings waiting—no, longing—to burst within maloi.
"wala nga, okay nga lang ako. masaya ka na diyan eh." colet's words dripped with sarcasm so thick it felt like poison on maloi's tongue, bitter and corrosive.
the backyard was quiet enough for their voices to pierce the almost-deafening music. somehow, their words easily cross the space, but understanding seemed trapped on either side, as if a yawning chasm had opened right between them. everything else seemed to fall into the void, lost in translation.
"oh come on babe, i don't even know what you're mad about! can you at least explain?"
"wala akong kailangang ipaliwanag."
"god, colet please!"
maloi had learned colet's tells over the years—the way her eye would twitch when something was wrong, how her whole body would shift when she was holding back words. she could read colet like a book—well, except for the pages colet kept glued shut.
no matter how hard maloi pushed, colet just wouldn't give in.
"just talk to me…"
it had always been like this, maloi speaks her mind, while colet kept hers locked away. maloi wished otherwise, but she expected all the same.
"tangina naman." maloi cursed, her frustration thundered through colet's bones.
but as per usual, colet remained still.
"ano? tahimik ka na naman?" maloi's frustration tried to reach colet, urging her to talk. "sana naman sinabi mo sa'kin what you were thinking noong una pa lang! instead of..." her voice cracked, but she pushed through it, forcing the words out. "...instead of letting me guess all the damn time."
silence, once again, as if the words only form within the pits of colet's thoughts and get stuck within the confines of her tongue, all the words colet couldn't say piling up until they were drowning in them.
"i would've done anything to understand, alam mo yon. but i can't read your mind, colet..."
nothing.
"please..."
how does one even begin to reach those who has shut themselves away so completely?
"...okay." it was all colet could manage. and for the twentieth time, maloi felt her heart fold in on itself. how many times had they been here before? how many more times should maloi break and for colet to remain unmoved?
"yun lang? yun lang talaga colet? are you really that incapable of speaking your mind?" the words spilled out of maloi like they'd been waiting years to escape. "pinakinggan mo man lang ba yung mga sinabi ko kahit konti lang? tangina colet, ganito na lang ba tayo palagi?" even though maloi had raked through every strand of her hair in frustration, even though maloi had dropped everything to be at this exact moment, colet budged not a single inch.
not even a fraction.
maloi heaved a sigh, then let out a sharp, sporadic chuckle, a brittle sound that surprised even herself.
had the earth finally had enough of them?
for weeks now, she'd felt it—the slow unraveling of everything they'd built, as if the universe itself had tired of their story. she could feel it looming before her, that dreading feeling of the bonds holding them together being shaken apart, bit by bit, second by second. and all maloi could do was beg, beg for her other half to hold on.
"please," maloi pleaded through torrents of tears, "say something..."
colet felt it too—everything they had, balanced on the edge, holding together by the skin of their teeth. it was barely functioning, waiting for its inevitable collapse. she knew she had to hold on for dear life, to fight for what they'd built together, but the truth had hit her too late—her grip wasn't strong enough. it had never been strong enough.
so for the millionth time, she said nothing.
something inside maloi snapped, and in that moment, she knew she had lost colet.
"fine," maloi had enough, "fine then. have it your way." she said through barrages of sniffs, voice trembling as she wiped away her tears with a feigned indifference.
colet's heart raced with the sick anticipation of a prophecy fulfilling itself—she knew this was coming, hadn't she?
"i hope you find someone who will understand you kahit hindi mo sabihin yung problema. someone who can know every single fucking thing on your mind. kasi right now? i don't think i'm that person."
maloi's hand shook—the ring came off easy, too easy. it hit the ground between them with a sound that felt louder than the music ever was. colet just watched it fall, like she watched everything fall apart.
"maloi..." colet's voice was barely a whisper.
"i'll see you when i see you." and then maloi was gone, swallowed by the crowd while colet stood frozen, unable to do anything but watch her disappear. there was absolutely nothing that she could've done... right? nothing. nothing at all.
what a coward.
colet slowly bent down to pick up the ring. her fingers trembled as she brushed off specks of dirt. only then had it come crashing over her—maloi was... gone.
for a moment, something like relief washed over her, as though she’d finally been freed from the constant tension that had wrapped around her like chains. but that relief turned bitter in her mouth almost as soon as she noticed it.
who was she kidding? it was maloi who had been freed from her. all she had done was create another prison for herself.
carefully walking, she took a deep breath and looked up at the cloudless sky. funny how it matched what she felt inside—just endless nothing. how long had it been since she'd felt this way? maloi had filled a void colet hadn't even known existed, and now that emptiness yawned wide once more.
and whose fault was that? she wanted to blame maloi. maloi, for not understanding, for always asking for more than colet felt she could give.
it would be easier if she could.
maloi, who had given her every chance to be better. maloi, who stayed despite colet's constant silences. maloi, who had always been right when colet thought everything else was wrong.
and now, all she’d done was trade one kind of prison for another, one she’d built with her own hands. one where maloi didn’t exist to bridge the silence.
she sank and broke.
colet was at fault. she'd known it all along.
the blocked socials didn't matter to colet. even with the burner account, she knew she didn't have the guts to even try to contact her. her thumb hovered over maloi's profile picture for the hundredth time before she locked her phone, disgusted with herself.
all those years and still a fucking coward.
the numbers on her phone blinked back at her: 6:49 PM. she was early, a little too early in-fact. the party wouldn't start for at least another hour. instead of heading to the entrance where others were already gathering, her feet carried her around back, muscle memory guiding her down a path she'd tried so hard to forget. and there it was—that cursed patch of earth where everything had shattered.
that damned day.
colet's eyes traced the landscape, noting all the little changes that had crept in during her absence. the trees had grown taller, wilder, as if they'd been feeding on all the words she'd left unsaid. so much had shifted within her too—she'd learned to push back when life pushed first, found herself a job that didn't make her want to disappear, even started speaking up in meetings without that familiar knot of anxiety choking her throat.
and yet.
there was still this... thing, this invisible anchor dragging her back to that moment. she existed in the present, went through all the motions of moving forward, but some part of her remained trapped here, forever watching maloi walk away. time had become this weird, elastic thing that kept snapping back to that night, to these trees, to that ring hitting dirt with a sound that still echoed in her nightmares.
she used to think of greenery as life itself, nature's own army of hope and renewal. but now these groves felt more like a graveyard. and all she could see was the ghost of their past, lingering and making its way through the faces of the leaves, the browns of the saps, the army of insects.
every leaf whispered with memories, every branch reached out like desperate fingers trying to grasp what was lost. the insects hummed a funeral march through the undergrowth, carrying pieces of her past like tiny pallbearers.
it may not look like it, but something died here, and it took something from colet with it.
now she stood here, technically stronger, technically more capable, but fuck if she didn't feel like a compass spinning wildly without its true north.
she'd always had maloi, until she didn't. and in that absence, colet began to see the quiet spaces she used to fill with maloi’s laughter and guidance—spaces she’d never dared fill alone. with maloi gone, colet was left with her own reflection, forced to confront parts of herself she'd always managed to avoid.
she could almost see maloi standing there—frustrated, pleading, waiting for words that never came. funny how the ghost of her felt more real than anything else in this moment. colet stood there, lost in the space between what was and what could have been, mourning not just maloi, but the version of herself that died here with them.
what was she even doing here? the flashing lights and pounding music felt like a foreign language now—one she'd forgotten how to speak. everything about this place wore a mask of familiarity that only made it feel more strange, like looking at an old photo where all the faces had been slightly shifted. she used to navigate this world with ease.
but that was before maloi.
the unknown had always scared colet, and for something so familiar to suddenly take on a different shape, it terrified her. she was lost in a place she used to know, too paralyzed to even try finding her way back.
all those years and still a fucking coward.
yet there was something achingly familiar about it all, something that made her chest tight with recognition.
...
ah. of course. it felt exactly like that night. that cursed night that severed her life into before and after, leaving a wound that refused to heal. every moment, every breath seemed determined to drag her back to that night. the past reached for her with ghostly fingers, tugging at her heart with a familiar, aching persistence she couldn't shake.
why does every path seem to pull her back to that night?
she quietly shook her head and tried to dispel the memories like cobwebs. she's here to have fun, not to reminisce over some stupid thing that happened years ago.
a few minutes pass as she hovered near the bar's edge, she finally slipped forward and quietly snatched a drink, fingers wrapping around a drink she barely registered. her eyes swept the crowd for familiar faces, finding none, and she let the liquid trace a burning path down her throat. the crystal was still cool against her palm when a voice cut through her thoughts.
"nicolette! you came!"
"hey aiah! thanks again for having me."
if she was being honest with herself—which she rarely was—colet couldn't care less about the party. but aiah... aiah was different. there was something about her that colet couldn't quite place, couldn't quite categorize. was it something familiar, or something entirely new? even now, she couldn't tell if she was chasing ghosts or trying to outrun them. like some kind of sick game where no one told her the rules.
"of course, why woudn't i invite THE maria nicolette?" aiah's laugh was like sunlight breaking through clouds, genuine in a way that made colet's cynical heart stumble. over the years, she'd learned to be skeptical—when something remotely good happens, there always has to be a punchline waiting at the end.
but not with aiah. no, definitely not aiah.
"ano ba, you flatter me." colet managed to joke back, watching as aiah's smile bloomed across her face. her smile lingered, and colet felt that familiar tug in her chest. for the first time since that night, something felt... right. or at least, as right as things could be after everything.
"hey, okay ka lang?" aiah's voice cut through her thoughts. "you seem... elsewhere."
"ah, sorry. may naisip lang." colet surprised herself by actually answering. maybe she really was changing.
they fell into easy conversation by the bar, shoulders nearly touching as aiah shared stories about her work in publishing. colet found herself laughing—actually laughing—at aiah's stories about demanding authors and impossible deadlines. there was something so effortless about being with her, like the world wasn't such a terrifying place after all.
"hey, remember that time when you completely destroyed that client's terrible idea?" aiah settled onto the barstool next to her, signaling the bartender. "god, the look on his face when you explained exactly why his vision wouldn't work. sobrang unforgettable!"
colet felt a genuine smile tugging at her lips. "he had it coming. sinong gagamit ng comic sans para sa logo for a luxury brand?"
"diba!" aiah's laughter carried over the music, and colet felt something warm and inviting. "that's what i love about you, you know? you don't just sit there and take shit from anyone."
the words hit colet like a punch, making her chest tighten. if only aiah knew how long it had taken her to find that voice, how many nights she'd spent replaying old silences, rehearsing words she should have said.
"i learned the hard way," colet admitted softly, then quickly added, "pero enough about work. bakit ang ganda mo tonight?"
"oh stop!"
aiah's laugh sparkled again, and colet felt another familiar tug in her chest—the one that made her question everything. was she ready for whatever this was? was this fair to aiah? to herself?
but the universe didn't wait for answers, and she had no time to think. the crowd parted like a curtain, and colet's world stopped.
there she was. maloi. still breathtaking after all these years, still moving with that grace that had first made colet forget how to breathe. but... something was different now—she was glowing, radiating a happiness that colet had never quite managed to give her.
for a split second, the sight made her question if time had somehow folded in on itself, giving her another chance to prove herself. that finally, she had changed. that wh—
"love!" aiah's voice pierced through colet's frozen state. "over here!"
no.
no, no, no.
maloi turned, and her smile grew wider as she spotted aiah. time seemed to slow as she made her way through the crowd, and colet could only watch, paralyzed, as maloi reached them and pulled aiah into a kiss.
"sorry i'm late, grabe ang traffic," maloi said, then visibly went still as she finally noticed who was standing beside her girlfriend.
"oh! love, this is nicolette, the writer i was telling you about from work." aiah's smile widened as she introduced the two. "colet, this is maloi, my girlfriend."
hah.
the universe, colet decided, had a cruel fucking sense of humor.
"hi," she heard herself say, trying her best to ignore the earthquake in her chest. "nice to meet you." funny, colet found herself doing what she'd always done best—running away.
the lie tasted like acid on her tongue, they were strangers as far as aiah knows.
hell, colet was surprised her voice didn't shake. here she was, finally able to speak, only to use her voice to deny their past. some growth.
she hadn't changed at all.
maloi's eyes flickered with something—surprise? pain? nevertheless, she took the cue. "maloi. nice to meet you too." her smile was professional, practiced. as if colet hadn't spent years memorizing every curve of that smile.
then the band started playing. colet recognized the intro immediately—because of course they would play this song. of-fucking-course.
oh kay tagal din kitang minahal...
she looked at aiah—sweet, beautiful aiah who had almost made her believe in second chances—and saw everything she could have had slipping away. she looked at maloi—the first person who had truly seen her—and saw everything she had already lost.
a tear escaped before she could catch it, and she wiped it away quickly before aiah could notice, but maloi—maloi who had always seen right through her—caught the gesture.
some things really never change.
"sorry, i just... i remembered something." colet muttered, turning away from them both, but not before her eyes caught maloi's for just a fraction of a second, before she pushed through the crowd, letting the sea of strangers swallow her whole.
it was funny how a single second could hold the weight of years.
oh kay tagal din kitang minahal...
and before she knew it, she was back. back at that same cursed patch of earth.
colet had to laugh. not at aiah, not at maloi, but at herself—at the absolute joke her life had become. at how the universe had decided that her punishment for silence wasn't just losing maloi, but watching her be everything colet had needed her to be, just... with someone else.
with the woman colet had finally opened her heart to.
oh kay tagal din kitang mamahalin...