Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“You want us to do what?” Hyunjin seethed with a glare, their manager had the audacity to at least look slightly guilty. 

“Look, you know I can’t change this. If I could keep it from happening you guys wouldn’t have to get a new member, it would remain the eight of you and that would be the end of the story. But there are so many fans pushing for more Co-ed groups in the industry, and even more pushing for more interactions between male and female idols. Jyp thought it would be the best idea to-” 

“We’re not adding another member. We've been eight for five years now.” Minho objected, eyes piercing as fire dripped from his words. “We won't go back to nine.” 

“You’ll be forced to disband if you don’t do this.” Their manager reasoned softly. “With your contract renewal coming so soon and your next comeback happening in a month and a half you have to agree. Unless you all are going to walk out. If you do I’ll follow, you know that, but right now those are the options. Either you agree to the conditions of the new contract or we leave JYP. Right now.” The manager stressed, locking eyes with Minho before letting his eyes settle on Chans. “It's up to you all. After what happened with Woojin it makes perfect sense that you all don’t want a ninth.” 

Chan let out a low groan, his hands running tiredly over his face. “And we can’t get around this? No way for us to go on as just eight and stay at JYP?” 

“No. I looked, but his clause is solid. No loopholes.” 

“Maybe we should go.” Seungmin suggested. “Stays would follow us and support us, and 3racha makes all of our songs so it's not like we’d be lacking songwriters and producers.” 

“Yeah but the studios are expensive.” Changbin warned as he sat back, muscles ripping as he crossed his arms. “And so is finding a steady practice space for the eight of us.” 

“We could do it.” Jeongin interjected, “But it’d take time we don’t have. Lee Know-hyung is close to his enlistment, this isn’t a good time for us to be leaving the company.” 

“Channie-hyung and I can only do so much to keep us all covered when you guys are gone for enlistment.” Felix added as he bit his lip in thought. “What if we add the member?” 

“Felix, you can’t seriously want another member.” Hyunjin objected as he glanced over at the freckled blonde. 

“None of us want a new member Hyung.” Han reassured, he paused for a moment, dark eyes lost in thought as he began his next statement. “What if Chan-hyung gets to pick the next member? Like he did with us. That way we know we can have someone who will at least fit our group vocally and visually. He can review all of the footage we have of the trainees that are closer to our ages, ones that are starting to get too old to debut properly in a new group. If we find no one we walk out.” 

The group fell silent as they all thought over the proposition. It was a good idea, there was no denying that. Everyone could get a say in the recruitment of the new member, and if no one satisfied them then leave. 

“I think I can get JYP to agree to that.” Their manager nodded, already pulling out his phone to message his boss. “There aren’t too many candidates that fit the age requirement so there shouldn't be too many for you to go through.” He paused before looking up at the men. 

“Would it be ok if I recommend someone for you to look into?” 

“Who.” Chan rose a brow, unaware that his manager would even have a trainee in mind. 

“Min Seol-A.” 

Chapter Text

Min Seol-A was having a very, very long day. She lay panting in her practice room, sprawled like a starfish as she pondered her life choices. Particularly, the choice to do her dance practice in heels. Sure, her manager had suggested it; it was a good thing to know and made her more likely to be put in a debuting lineup. But it hurt like hell. 

“Aigoooo,” Seol-A whined softly as she rolled over, pressing her face against the cold hardwood floors of the JYP practice room. “Mmmmh, too old for this shit.” 

“Too old for what shit?” A voice rang from the doorway and Seol-A just grumbled noncommittally. 

“To be dancing in heels like I’m still young and spry.” Seol-A groaned as she slowly pulled herself up, her long, wavy black hair falling across her back and pooling around her butt as she stretched lightly. 

Her manager, Kim Ha-joon, looked at her with a raised brow and a disbelieving look. 

“Seol, you're 22. What age are you referring to? You’ve barely exited your youth.” 

“Yet gone are the days of my youth,” Seol-A bemoaned dramatically as she fell back against the cold ground. “Forever lost!” 

“Well, you and your lost days of youth need to get off of the ground. You’ve been chosen to debut,” Kim Ha-joon said, a smile pulling at the edge of his usually stoic face. 

The raven haired girl shot up like a bullet, blinking in shock as she scrambled to her feet, ignoring the dull ache in her soles as she stood frozen like a deer in the headlights. 

“I’ve been what? Hajoon-oppa if you're screwing with me right now…” Seol-A said, a disbelieving warning in her voice. The man simply laughed and held his hands up in surrender. 

“No jokes, JYP wants you in his office now. A new policy is being enacted, and groups who are renewing their contracts have to add a new member of the opposite sex. This group hand-picked you to be their female member. You're debuting.” 

Seol-A let out a soft squeal as she threw herself into a hug with the older man, jumping in his arms with excitement as she pulled back. 

“I have to go right away!” she spoke in disbelief as she took off like a shot, running out of the door and getting halfway down the hall before a voice called after her. 

“Seol-A! You’re still drenched in sweat from practice! You need to go shower before you attend the meeting! JYP won’t want you in there sopping wet!” 

The girl froze in her tracks, turning around sheepishly. 

“Oh. Duh.” 

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When she deemed herself presentable enough, Seol-A made her way to JYP’s office, hair swinging behind her in a long braid to hide its dampness. Her heels had been replaced by a pair of chunky, worn down dad sneakers and her jeans and T-shirt had seen better days. But she was no longer in a bra top and shorts, drenched in sweat. So a win had to be a win she supposed. 

Seol-A slowed as she reached the door, unsure of how she should even proceed. What was the protocol for something like this? Should she knock? Bow as soon as she saw them? Did she need to bow to all of them? Or just their leader? Would they introduce themselves? Did she know them? What boy groups were renewing their contract? Should she have put on her nice pair of clothes? Would they care? Should she have put on some of that concealer she was pretty sure had expired years ago but still worked? Oh, heavens, was her face still all flushed? She didn”t want to go in with a red face. 

Her spiraling was cut off by the opening of the door, and her mind went into fight, flight, or freeze. Unfortunately, Seol-A already knew exactly what her response would be. She stood like a deer in the headlights for the second time that day, mismatched eyes wide and unblinking as she felt the blood seep out of her face. 

“One, two, step out! Hello, we are Stray Kids!” a chorus of voices called from the other side of the room, and Seol-A felt her heart stop. 

Stray Kids. 

Stray Kids were standing across from her, bowing to her. She watched as they stood again and sat, watching her with various levels of interest. She still hadn’t moved. Time stretched on as she stood there, staring and most definitely gaping at the men in front of her. 

Damn, are they always this handsome? Or is it just because they look like they want to kill me? a little recess of her mind whispered and she wanted to smack herself as the thought prompted her mouth to speak.

“Wow. You guys are hot.” The words flew out before she could choke them down, and within a second her hands were slapped over her mouth and she was bowing at a 90 degree angle. 

“I'm so sorry. I didn’t mean for that to come out of my mouth. Holy shit, shit no no cursing, shit. Ah! Sorry! Please forgive me,” Seol-A stammered as she felt her hands begin to sweat and her knees start to shake, bowing repeatedly as the silence in the room thickened. 

It was broken by the most chaotic laughter she’d ever heard. She looked up slightly to see Changbin — a tank, she swore as she eyed his muscles lightly, wow, I need to know his workout routine — with his head tossed back as he cackled loudly, wheezing between the echoing sound. 

The laugh seemed to break the tension in the room as the others loosened themselves, laughing lightly as they smiled at Seol-A. She offered back a small smile as she scooted her way to the chair next to JYP, who was looking at her unamused. She bowed again in apology, wishing now she’d left some of her hair down to hide behind. 

“Seol-A. You will be joining Stray kids, as I am sure you know. You will partake in the next comeback; however, since the majority of it has already been recorded, you will simply be added to the choreography and videos. You won’t have a part until the next comeback, and even then, it will only be as big as your producers wish for it to be.” 

JYP spoke evenly as he read off the paperwork in front of him. The mood significantly changed once again, becoming heavy and businesslike within moments. Seol-A listened to all of the different rules that JYP listed to her — things obviously put in place so that the boys wouldn’t have to suffer too much from the new intrusion to their lives — she found that she didn’t really like her presence in this room. She felt small and insignificant. 

The rest of the meeting was her signing many NDAs, being told what she could do, what she couldn’t, how she would appear on camera, and most importantly: to stay out of the men’s way, especially while they worked. The Stray Kids seemed to frown at that instruction, but no objections were made as JYP stood and told Seol-A to get to know her new members as he left the room. 

Suddenly, Min Seol-A didn’t necessarily want this.

She knew Stray Kids didn’t either.

Yet here they were, sitting across from each other, with Seol-A set to join their group for the next comeback. She stared awkwardly at them, a small, panicked grin on her face.

“Uh. So. How about that weather, huh?” she started with a small head nod, eyes flicking out to the window so she wouldn’t have to make eye contact with them. A small snort sounded from the other side of the room and she glanced over, only to make eye contact with one Han Jisung. 

Her eyes quickly fixed back onto the table. 

Finally, a heavy sigh escaped the lips of the eldest member of the room, Bang Chan. A man she was sure had come right out of a Calvin Klein ad. Seriously, she internally scoffed, it should be illegal to look as good as he does. I know for a fact if he asked me to do practically anything I’d do it. That's dangerous.

 “Look, Seol-A. I know this situation isn’t ideal for any of us, but we won’t hold you to those rules. The ones every idol gets, sure, you have to follow. But you’re going to have just as much of a role in this team as the rest of the Kids do. We chose you from all of the recruits because we knew your skill set would help us. You can sing plenty high, which helps take some of the vocal strain off of us, you rap well and you won’t look out of place dancing with us. You’re good, that's why we chose you. You will not need to stay out of our way, we want you here as part of our group, okay? I promise you that we’ll get through this together, all of us. You're one of the Kids now. We take care of each other. We protect each other,” he spoke, a small fond smile spreading over his face as he reached out to grab her hand and give it a light squeeze. 

“Now that you’ve finished your ‘protecting each other’ speech I can ask her questions and get boba with her?” an eager voice chirped. Seol-A looked over to see Felix grinning, already standing as he practically bounced with excitement. 

Chan groaned with exasperation. “I can never be taken seriously in this house,” he moaned as he gave Seol-A a fond eye roll. The girl couldn’t help the small smile that graced her face as she watched their antics. 

“It’s because you're half fifty six next year,” Seungmin chimed causally from down the table, a shit eating grin on his face. 

“Why you!” Chan leapt to his feet, his objections getting drowned out by the giggles of Seungmin, and the laughter of the other members. Seol-A couldn’t help but tilt her head, resting her chin on her palm as she watched in fond amusement. This would be her group, who she spent her days with for years to come. 

As she sat there, watching Chan chase Seungmin around, Seol-A couldn’t help but hope that maybe, just maybe this would work.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn’t working. Over the next week, Seol-A was thrown right into dancing, and she was exhausted. Minho had shown her the choreography she needed to learn the first day of her practice—and it was a lot. Their next comeback came with a world tour, and she needed to have the choreography for all 24 group songs perfected and memorized within the next two weeks. She’d been locking herself in the dance studio for hours on end all week, coming in close to six in the morning and not leaving until eleven at night. 

She understood why the boys couldn’t spend time with her as she was learning — it was a large comeback coming up; they were busy with promotional videos, teasers, putting on the finishing touches to the recordings, and adjusting their choreography to fit the newest member. Yet she still couldn’t help the strong sense of loneliness that settled in her gut as she danced. Seol-A had been thrilled to become part of a group, to have a chance to slowly let down her walls and find close friends who she knew wouldn’t be whisked away from her when, inevitably, they debuted and she didn’t. 

Yet here she was in a practice room, the hour hand inching close to midnight for the fourth time this week, and she was still very much alone.

Seol-A let out a groan as she flopped onto the floor, sighing heavily as she gazed up at the ceiling. The boys had seemed nice enough, and all of them had been caring — dropping in at some point or another to make sure she ate and to get to know her better — but she couldn’t help but feel like an outsider. They’d been together for seven years, and she was a new factor that none of them were used to. Sure, the Stray Kids were kind; it was in their nature. But Seol-A knew that they didn’t view her as part of their group yet. That it would take time for them to come to care about her the way they cared about each other. 

Seol-A had never been a particularly patient person. 

She let out a huff as she slowly rolled back up to her knees, bringing herself up as she checked the clock again. Midnight. She needed to head home; the boys were coming over to her apartment in a few days to help move all of her stuff over to the new dorm they were all being settled into, and she needed to pack. The company had put all nine of them into a dorm together, hoping to integrate the new girl faster. Seol-A had a sneaking suspicion, though, that it would get much worse before it got better, and shoving them all into a small space was just going to make that even worse. 

At least we’ll all have our own rooms, she thought as she made her way over to her bag, picking it up. I don’t think I’d last a day sharing a room with one of them. I’d die of embarrassment within minutes. 

Seol-A checked her appearance once, giving a slight nod before picking up the camera that a staff member had left her.

“We want you to record yourself doing everyday things. We’ll edit it as needed and then post it as your first introduction to Stay once you’ve officially been released to the public,” the staff had said as they placed the go-pro on the ground. 

Seol-A huffed. What even was she supposed to record? Just her doing everyday tasks? That seemed boring. 

Still she flipped on the camera as she started out of the practice room, finding the best angle as she walked the short distance to her small apartment building. When she was finally satisfied with how she looked in the camera she clicked a record. 

“Hey Stay! Stella here!” The girl introduced herself with a grin, using her stage name rather than her birth name, waving wildly to the camera. “I just got finished with another late night dance practice, and I have to finish packing to move into the new dorms! So I thought I’d have y’all tag along so I can tell you more about myself!

“Let's see, what would yall like to know. Hmmm. Well, I was born and raised in Daegu, right next to the Seomun market. I have three siblings, they’re great…” Her voice trailed off and she finally shook her head. “I’m too awkward for this, forget it,” she muttered as she let the camera angle fall to a more comfortable spot and entered her apartment. “I’ll just do it like I was hanging out with a friend, trying to introduce myself sucks.” 

With that determination in mind, Seol-A set the camera down on her counter and started taking plates out of her cabinets. 

“Hey guys!” The raven headed girl spoke more casually, shoulders falling as she turned over her phone, clicking on her most liked playlist and setting it to the side. “I have to pack up for my move into the new dorms! I’m excited. It'll be my first time living with others since I moved out of my house in Daegu about five years ago. I hope they’re not too messy though.” She laughed. “I might chew them out if they are, and that won’t end well for anyone.” 

Seol-A grinned at the camera conspiratorially. “After all, I’m a middle child of four, and I know plenty well how to pull pranks on people in order to get them to do my evil bidding, like cleaning the toilets!” she joked with a crazed grin before laughing at herself. “Ahhhh, I can’t even take myself seriously, how can Stay be expected to?

“Let’s see, what else. I’m half Korean, half Brazilian and very proud of both parts of my heritage. Every summer when I was younger my Avó e Vovô would pay to have all of us kids fly out and spend the summer with them. It was fun and I managed to make a few friends out there, but I’m a painfully shy person at times, so I hung out at home pretty often. Avó was always so excited that I’d stay home because she’d use that time to teach me how to cook our family recipes, and while things were baking or resting she’d teach me Samba. We’d Samba around the kitchen as we cooked once I got good enough at it. 

“It was always a good break for my parents; we grew up incredibly poor, so having the kids off of their hands was always a financial recovery period. They’re in a much better spot now, since all but my youngest brother Ha-Seok have moved out.

“What else, oh! I speak four languages fluently—Korean, obviously.” Seol-A laughed as she glanced at the camera. “I learned Portuguese from my summers spent in Brazil and conversations with my mother. The other two languages are actually because of my besties. One I’ve known for the majority of my life, her family moved here from Japan and I learned the language to help her acclimate, we met in my second to last year of elementary. So I’ve been speaking Japanese for quite some time. Not too long after during our first year of middle school we met the last in our trio, she’d moved from America because her mom got a really good job offer over here. The two of us used the horrible English we’d been taught in elementary to try and communicate. She obviously taught us how to properly speak in English, as well as the correct pronunciations, and in turn we taught her Korean and Japanese. I love those two to death, they’ve always been my biggest supporters when it came to my dreams of being an idol, well them and my family of course.

“Let's see, what else about me is cool... Oh, oh, I know!” The raven haired girl grabbed her camera and brought it close to her eyes. “I was born with a rare genetic mutation called heterochromia.” She hummed as she blinked with wide eyes at the camera. “See? I’ve got one brown eye,” she said, bringing the camera obnoxiously close to her eye with a giggle, “and one blue!” She quickly switched to the other eye, laughing at herself.  

“Oh, that was cringey, oh I hated that.” Seol-A wheezed slightly as she made her way into her bedroom and started putting away her clothes. She checked the clock offhandedly and paused as she felt her stomach rumble. It was nearing two in the morning, and she was getting hungry. 

“Y'know what, I want food. Y’all wanna come on a 7/11 run with me? Who am I kidding; of course you do, it's 7/11. Most magical place on earth,” the girl mumbled to herself as she pulled on her old, worn-out brown bomber jacket. “I found this thing on the side of the road when I was 12, still holding up,” the girl said proudly as she showed it off. “It's also super cute. Alright, shoes are on, let's go fam, gonna get some tteokbokki and strawberry milk. Ooooh, and an Americano. Oh, I want an Americano so bad now.” The girl hummed to herself as she excitedly shimmied at the prospect of food. 

“Lez goooo,” she cheered quietly as she started out on her walk. “Let's see, what else about me is fun. Oh! I’m a big art person, I love art. I suck at making it, thoughi do try, and I adore going to museums and writing different stories based off of the paintings I see, creating their lives based on a single moment of time. I think my favorite piece though, is A Cafe Terrace at Night. It's just so beautiful,” the girl admitted as she walked into the store, bowing slightly at the man behind the counter as she made her way to the foods she wanted. She checked out easily, quietly making her food as she narrated it for Stay, taking a hearty bite of her food as she continued to chatter mindlessly to herself and the camera. 

Maybe Seol-A was right with her initial assumption after all. Maybe this wouldn’t be all bad. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Seol-A. You’ll start off to the side out of frame. This is a teaser for your existence in the group, so we don’t want the fans to see your face,” the cameraman instructed, pointing to a green x on the floor. “We’re gonna have you stand there. The position of the light behind you will cause your shadow to fall onto the ground next to the boys’, so there will be eight people but nine shadows. During the teaser, we’ll show little flashes of you in the back, hair leaving a shot, your nails resting on one of the members shoulders, a new figure in one of the makeup chairs, false eyelashes picked up by another member who will look disgusted.”

“What?” Chan’s voice cut through the cameraman's spiel, eyebrows furrowed. “Why are we disgusted? They’re just fake lashes?” 

“Well yeah, but you’re not used to it so it's a comedy pull, Stays love it when you guys are all cute because you find something gross,” the cameraman explained with a nervous smile. 

“I have two sisters, I’ve found false eyelashes in the most obscene places. None of us would be grossed out by it,” Felix chimed in as he let his makeup artist touch up the slight sweat on his brow. 

“What if instead of disgust, what if they hold it up like ‘seriously Seol-a, we’ve told you to stop leaving these around! You’re so messy!’” Seol-A interjected. She shrunk into herself as their eyes turned to look at her. “That way it's more of a fond feeling and less grossed out,” she mumbled, finishing her thought with her eyes fixed onto the ground. 

Felix grinned. “That works for me. Look at you, our maknae is such a problem solver already!” 

Seol-A blanched at the words. Their maknae? No, no, no, Jeongin is their maknae, not me. She froze, face dropping in horror. Once again her mouth moved faster than her mind could stop it as she whined out softly, “Oh stars, that means you’re gonna harass me like you do Jeongin.” 

A chorus of laughter was heard across the room as people heard her griping. 

“Yes! I’m free!” The screech came from across the room as Jeongin pumped his fists in the air. “I’m free—”

His celebratory chanting was cut off by a well built body slamming into him, laughing at his little celebration. 

“Awwwwww, our little agi ppang thinks that he’s getting away. No, now we just have two babies,” Changbin cooed at him, attempting to pinch his cheeks as Jeongin valiantly tried to shove the older boy off of him. Seol-A let out a breath of relief as the attention was once again directed to the youngest male, shifting off of her. 

Or so she thought. 

“Awwwwww, is our little Seol-a feeling left out?” A mischievous, evil voice rang from behind her, and suddenly she felt a body hanging off of her back. “We can't have that.” 

Without looking back, she knew who it had to be. 

“Minho-ssi.” Seol-A sighed heavily, nerves flooding her body as she leaned forward to try and get out of his grip. The older man just let his body go even more limp, causing her to have to take his full body weight. With a groan the girl backed up into him, hesitantly reaching down to grab his legs and forcing him into a piggyback. 

Seol-A couldn't help but grin at the loud squawk of surprise that exited the man's mouth, giggling lightly to herself as she adjusted him once more to be settled on her hips. She then made her way over to Changbin, who was still fawning over Jeongin, and cleared her throat lightly. 

“Delivery!” she chimed, nodding her head back, making sure to not knock against Minho in the process, internally laughing at the surprised look on Changbin’s face. She set the cat on her back down in front of the burly man. “He was trying to harass me, so I thought I might bring him over here to harass you instead,” she explained with a sheepish grin. “He started laying on my back, so really he was the one who got himself in this situation. Not the other way around.” 

“Yah! She lies! I was just trying to give her attention so she wouldn’t feel left out when you were giving all of your affection to Jeongin, next thing I knew she’d lifted me up like I weighed nothing to deposit me over here!” Minho pointed a finger at her, eyes wide in disbelieving shock as he stood with an open mouthed grin.  

“Wah, what's your workout routine?” Changbin asked, completely ignoring the bristling cat and making his way over to the girl, squeezing her biceps as he admired the muscles. “I didn’t notice it before but you’re really toned! Do you work out a lot? How often? What’s your favorite muscle group to work? Do you drink red ginseng before you workout? Or do you prefer pre workout? Do you prefer leg or arm days? What are your workout routines?” The man fired off questions at a rapid pace as he stalked around her and poked at her arms and back. “Wahhhhh, your back is really well built too!” 

Seol-A stood stock-still, panicking internally. There was a hot gym bro poking her muscles. Why was there a hot gym bro poking her muscles? Why was he asking so many questions? Would this be the right time to tell him he was insanely buff and handsome? Or would that be socially unacceptable? She paused at the thought, panicked as her mind tried frantically to catch up with the situation. Yeah, no, that’d definitely be unacceptable. 

“Yah! Hyung! Stop it! You can just have her go to the gym with you sometime! You’re sending her brain into overload!” Another voice cut through the continual questions from the tank of a man. Seol-A glanced over to watch Han saunter towards the conversation, a playful grin on his face as he slung an arm over the girl's shoulder. Changbin’s face went red as he smiled shyly. 

“Ah, oops.” He pouted slightly. “That's my bad.” 

Seol-A nodded softly, a smile on her face, still tense but now for a different reason. 

“S’all good. Promise,” she assured the embarrassed man, still internally panicking. 

Are they all this touchy? I thought it was just for the camera thing, but there are no cameras running right now. Holy wow Han smells good. I can’t say that, that's definitely socially unacceptable. Why is his arm still around me? And why is he so warm! I’m always cold and now I’m gonna want to use him as a furnace! This sucks! the girl whined internally, spaced out and fidgeting as Han simply rested his head on her shoulder and slipped his arms around her waist, a position she knew he often took with the other members, but was not expecting this early on in their relationship. 

Thankfully her thoughts were pulled away from the koala clinging to her and instead to the director. 

“Alright everyone! Get into places! We’re gonna do the shots we need for today alright? We’d also like to get a few group shots before your hair gets dyed for the comeback so Seol-A can be in them.” 

With a soft groan, the man behind Seol-A unlatched himself as the filming and shooting began. Seol-A fell into a rhythm as she took shot after shot, falling into her role with ease. 

The filming ended later than expected, and Seol-A was mentally exhausted. She’d been expecting seven hours of shooting, but they’d ended up doing upwards of ten hours and she just wanted to go home and take a bath. However, she was quickly stopped in her tracks when she made a break towards the door. 

Two strong, toned arms wrapped around her middle and before she knew what was happening she heard Hyunjin dramatically shouting, “Seol-A was trying to run from us! She doesn't love us!” 

The girl was picked up by her waist, hanging like a ragdoll as she was walked back over to the group. 

“Wha- no! Well I mean yes, I don't love you. But I’m not trying to escape you! Put me down!” she yelped as she wriggled in the air, unaware of the offended gasps she earned. 

“She just said she doesn't love us!” I.N. screamed to the others, earning another round of offended noises and stirring more panic within her. 

“No, no, no! I didn’t mean it like that! I swear! I just meant I don’t know you so I can’t love you yet! I don’t dislike you! I like what I've seen very much!” 

“Ah, so she’s just with us for our looks,” Seungmin chimed in with a wicked smile on his face. Seol-A whined as she heard the comment. 

“No! I mean yes you're all very handsome but I meant I enjoy what I’ve seen of your interactions!” she cried out, face red as she hid behind her hands. “I just wanted to go home and take a bath! I wasn’t trying to run, I swear! I’m just sore because I've been in my heels the entire shoot!” 

“What?” Chan's voice cut through the conversation easily. “Your heels are at least four inches tall, what do you mean you’ve been in them the entire shoot? You weren't given a break from them?” 

Seol-A froze with an awkward smile on her face. “...No? It’s ok though, my feet went numb around the seven hour mark, so I can’t really feel anything,” she assured the man, shifting back and forth on the balls of her feet— glad she could no longer feel the aching pain that had formed hours back. 

Apparently, this was not the correct thing to say in front of Chan, as his face hardened and sunk further into a frown. “You should have had a break… especially since we're moving you in tomorrow. You’re going to be aching and sore.” 

The girl just smiled awkwardly. 

“I’ll go home and take a warm bath, then ice my feet. Promise,” she said with an awkward smile. “Speaking of home, I’d love to be getting there soon? Please? I want that bath real bad right now.” 

Chan rubbed his temples and sighed. “Okay. We’ll drive you back to your apartment.” 

“Oh no you don’t have too, I can take the train—”

“Not a chance,” Chan cut in. “You’re sore and have been working all day; we’ll take you home. We’ve got enough room in the company car. Besides,” he flashed a grin, “we all want to get to know you better. You will be living with us starting tomorrow.” 

Without any more room for objection, Seol-A was swept off her feet into the strong arms of Changbin and manhandled into the company car. She sat stiffly as the eight looked at her expectantly, her anxious, awkward smile fixed permanently on her face. 

All she wanted was a bath! 

Chapter Text

Moving had gone as planned, except for the fact that it hadn’t. Seol-A had woken up late, with a headache, cramped legs, and Stray Kids knocking on her apartment door. She’d opened the door, seen them, slammed it shut in their face, and panicked. 

After her mini crisis, she’d let them into her living space, only for them to not let her help at all with the move, rather insisting that her legs must be tired and sore from being in heels the entire day prior (they were) and that for that reason they wouldn’t let her move anything. In Lee Know’s words her job was to “sit next to your fireplace and look pretty for their motivation.” Which caused the girl to gape openly at him with a red face, stuttering as she tried to form words. Seungmin, bless his soul, had offered to join her in order to distract Minho from his (apparent) enjoyment of tormenting the girl. He was promptly smacked on the butt and told to get back to work. 

Which left her where she was now: examining her new living space. It was a decent size, not particularly large, but that's how the girl liked it. Too much space made her anxious and she felt like she had to fill all of it, resulting in clutter. Her bed had been set up, much thanks to 3racha who had insisted on getting it together as soon as they got it into her room, and Minho and Hyunjin had brought in her old bookshelves. The boys had finally caved, and with the help of Seungmin she was allowed to bring in her egg chair (which she’d found left abandoned on the side of the street when she was 20, though she’d never tell them that). The room looked a mess, boxes stacked everywhere and furniture out of place. 

It simply wouldn't do. She let out a deep groan as she looked around at the vast amount of unpacking she had to do, before locking her door, shoving in her earbuds and getting to work. 

She made quick work of putting all of her clothes into her closet—after all she didn’t have many to begin with— before starting on moving the large amounts of books she had been gifted over the years onto the shelves. When she was younger, before coming to be a trainee, she’d worked at the local library as one of her jobs to help support her family along with her siblings. The librarian had taken a liking to her and started putting old books that the girl had liked to the side, giving them to her as a graduation gift when she’d gotten out of middle school. She didn’t have enough room in the small house on top of the apartment building where she and her family lived, so the librarian stored them in a little closet that hadn’t been used. Once she finally moved into her apartment in Seoul she was able to take her stacks of books home. All of them were worn, pages thinned and thumbed thoroughly over time. 

She took to organizing the stacks with a sense of peace settling in her bones. Classics would go first, since those were the ones she was most likely to reach for. Then fantasy next, for when she needed an escape from the real world, one that many classical works just really wouldn't provide. Her art history books would be after that (those being gifted to her by the curator at the art museum she’d also worked at during her middle and high school years) and next her books on coffee and samba her Avó had given her when she’d go to their house. She didn’t go back to read them often, but once and awhile, when she felt that special sort of homesickness she did when she was dreaming of her nights in Brazil, she’d pull one out and get lost in the culture she longed to be a part of again. 

Once her books were in their proper places on her shelf she began hanging her numerous tapestries and records, filling the walls as much as she could without the space looking crowded. Finally she pulled her plant babies out of their boxes, placing plant upon plant on her windowsill and along the tops of her bookshelves. 

Finally she took the special shelves her Appa had made to go around her bed, since she slept on a circular bed and not a normal twin sized bed (the girl loved surrounding herself with piles of blankets and pillows, it worked better for her to have the circular bed so she could make herself a little nest to hide in when she didn’t want to human) and slid them along the edges of her bed. It created a platform of sorts, the shelves doubling as steps up to her bed and making a little shell around the soft mattress. She then opened up her last boxes, pulling out a large amount of art supplies and placing them into the handmade shelves. 

With a heavy sigh the girl groaned and let herself then flop onto her mattress, looking around the room with a happy smile as exhaustion began to hit her, feeling her consciousness drift as she burritoed herself in her blankets and promptly passed out. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To say the girl was confused when she woke would have been a massive understatement. Seol-A looked around the room, unsure of what time or even day it was. 

“How long did I sleep?” she muttered in confusion as she rolled over lazily and checked her phone. It’d only been two hours since she’d fallen asleep, making it 5 at night. “Why do I feel like it's been days?” the girl grumbled as she pulled herself up, wanting to fall back asleep and not get up. But she knew better, and if she did that then she’d be up all night miserable. With a cursed groan she slid onto the hard, wood platform next to her mattress and whined. The sensation caused her to finally get up, throwing her bedding on the bed haphazardly as she stretched. She then looked back at the bed again, a little voice in the back of her head (that sounded suspiciously like her Eomma) scolding her for leaving it messy. With a huff she tried to ignore the voice and made her way over to unlock her door, before the voice got louder.

She let out another colourful grumble before turning around and glaring at her sleeping place, before trudging over to fix her bed, arranging the array of blankets and pillows in a way that she deemed acceptable before grabbing Dostoyevsky's “The Idiot”, as well as “The Man who was Thursday”, intending to spend the rest of her night, and possibly into the next morning, reading. She let out a happy sigh as she curled up in her egg chair after lighting a socially unacceptable amount of candles of various coffee and vanilla scents. The raven  hummed softly to herself as she began re-reading the book, choosing to start with “The Idiot”, fingers gently turning each old, decrepit page that she knew by heart. 

She didn’t know how long she’d been sitting there reading, but it must have been some time, as the next time she was interrupted she was finished with her first novel and reaching for the second. She looked up to see Seungmin standing in her now open door, holding two steaming mugs. 

“I saw the candle light from under the door and figured you might not be able to sleep,” he said softly as he came in, holding up a tea for the girl. She nodded as she gazed at the floor again, a small smile on her face as she checked her watch. 

“Oh, wow,” Seol-A muttered, eyes widening as she looked at the time. It was nearing 1 in the morning. “I’ve been reading for much longer than I thought.” She then looked over at the man. 

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” she asked as she accepted his tea, “I thought you were one of the better sleepers in the group?” 

“Sleep paralysis,” he admitted as he looked to the side. “I usually hang out with someone after, typically Chan, but it seems Lee Know dragged him to bed tonight and he's actually sleeping for once. Didn’t want to wake anyone, then I saw the candlelight and realized you were still up.”

Seol-A hummed softly before taking a deep breath. “Well, feel free to join me. I don’t know if you're an avid reader or not but I have quite the selection to choose from. Just…be careful with them please?” she asked as she finally met his eyes, letting the ghost of a fond smile settle on her lips. “You can take the egg chair if you’d like. I can move to my bed.” 

“No, it’s alright. You can stay there. I can read on the floor,” Seungmin tried to assure her and she shook her head, standing as she shelved “The Idiot” and picked up her second book. 

“Not a chance. Take my seat, or if you’d like you can join me on my bed,” she offered with a soft smile, setting her tea down on the wooden platform around her mattress. He paused, seeming to realize that she wouldn't be going back to her seat even if he decided to try and sit on the floor. With a shake of his head he hesitantly made his way to the chair that the girl had been curled up in and placed his tea on the table next to it. The boy then made his way over to the large selection of books, eyes furrowing. 

“Where are the Korean versions?” He asked as his eyes scanned over the classics. The girl glanced up, face turning sheepish.

“Oh, uh, I don’t own the Korean versions of those. Most are in English, some are in Japanese.” She paused for a moment before hesitantly sitting up further. “If…if you’d like to read a classic then I could read you one? I can translate the sentences into Korean, or read it in English and pause to translate the words you don’t know?” 

The man looked like he was going to protest again before he looked over at her, seeing the sheepish grin and small flicker of hope in her eyes. He paused for a moment, before nodding and picking up his tea, making his way to her bed. 

Seol-A’s eyes widened, feeling like they were going to pop out of her head as she watched him climb the short steps of the platform before setting down his tea and plopping down next to her on the bed, just close enough where he too could see the words on the page. 

“I want to be able to read it too, for English practice,” he explained to her as she gazed like a deer in the headlights. She slowly nodded, internally panicking over the fact that he was so close to her but choosing to ignore it. He just wants English practice. Chill out. You’re getting nervous over nothing. Just read like you always do, the girl chided herself internally as she opened the book next to her. 

“I was going to read ‘The Man who was Thursday’. Is that alright?” she asked as she looked over at him, and he nodded, eyes still fixed firmly on the book. With that confirmation she adjusted herself, settling further back into the pillows on her bed before beginning to read. 

“The suburb of Saffron Park lay on the sunset side of London, as red and ragged as a cloud of sunset. It was built of a bright brick throughout; its sky-line was fantastic, and even its ground plan was wild,” she started, and just like that, the two became immersed in the book, only pausing when Seungmin would tap her so she could translate a word. 

They went on like that for hours, nearing the end of the book when Seol-A had realized that she hadn’t felt any taps on her arm in some time. She looked over to find the man sleeping peacefully, curled into himself slightly. The girl couldn’t help the softening of her heart as she watched him, gently reaching over and grabbing one of her blankets and pulling it over his body. She gently brushed his hair out of his face before grabbing one of her pillows and a different blanket and making her way to her egg chair, the grip of sleep having missed her and latched onto the boy sleeping in her bed. She pulled her knees into her chest and let herself continue to read, time marching past at an unknown pace as she lost herself in the works.

Seungmin woke late the next morning, and when he looked at her, still in her egg chair, reading a different book than the one last night, he knew what he wanted to keep doing for the rest of the day. 

“I want to hear the rest of the book,” he said, still groggy. The girl looked up at him, slightly startled, unaware that he had awoken. 

“Ok.” 

The two smiled. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“No! We played Monopoly last time! You cheated!” Han yelled as he pointed his finger at Seungmin. The group had gathered in the kitchen that evening, as it was time for their ‘weekly briefing’ as Chan called it. After they had gone over all of the important information on the week and what it would contain, he made the announcement that it was also family game night, and the group needed to decide what they should play, which led to the current argument that was taking place. 

“I didn't cheat, you're just bad at keeping track of your money,” the puppy replied with an impish looking grin, glancing over at Seol-A, who was watching them, and giving her a small wink. Huh, seems like letting him spend time with her yesterday made him like her more. Score. 

“You really do suck at it,” Jeongin chimed in agreement, earning a loud sound of protest from the quokka. 

Slowly Seol-A raised her hand, shrinking further into herself when all eyes landed on her. Her eyes flicked to the table as she made her suggestion. “What if we play Just Dance?” 

The silence in the room was resounding, and Seol-A wanted to curl into a ball and die at that moment. How stupid could you be? They’re grown men, not children. Seriously—Just Dance? Just because my friends and I enjoy doing Just Dance at sleepovers doesn't mean that these idols are going to want to do it with you. Idiot. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut, Seol-A berated herself mentally before she heard Changbin speak. 

“What's Just Dance?” The man sounded genuinely confused and Seol-A looked up through her lashes, half confused and half in disbelief. 

“Have you all not played Just Dance? My friend Amelia showed it to me, back in 7th grade when she came over from the States. I figured with how popular it had gotten you all would have played before,” she said hesitantly, glancing across the room. Confused, blank faces stared back at her. 

So they really didn’t know what Just Dance was. That was a matter she needed to fix, as soon as she could. So she cleared her throat lightly and spoke in a slightly louder tone. “It’s a dance game, as implied from the name. There's a guide on the screen and each player has a controller. You have to match the dance moves and you get rated for how accurate each move is. The more accurate you are the more stars you get during the game, so it becomes a competition to see who can get the most stars. There can be six people playing at a time on switch, so it's pretty inclusive for everyone to play. Lyrics also play on the screen, so I usually challenge my friends to sing along as we dance and we have a judge each round to decide who sang the song better.” Seol-A tucked some of her long black hair behind her ear. 

“That sounds fun,” Felix agreed as he nodded. “I vote we play Just Dance.” 

The room resounded with sounds of agreement and Seol-A felt her cheeks heat slightly, excitement coursing through her. 

“Alright, let me go grab my switch and extra controllers and get everything ready.” The girl hummed as she fled the room to grab the electronics. She paused, popping her head back into the kitchen where they had all been gathered. “Also, I’d change into dancing clothes if I were you- some of the dances get wild and you’ll want a full range of movement,” she informed them as she quickly made another retreat. She grabbed the electronics before pulling her hair back into a high ponytail. 

She pulled on a pair of gray sweats and a white off the shoulder crop top. Seol-A paused for a moment, gazing in the mirror at herself. She looked good, she’d always loved how her umber skin looked in whites, a beautiful cool contrast to her warmth. She fixed her hair once more, tucking a few strands into the ponytail haphazardly and making sure her face framing pieces were held back by little star clips so they wouldn't get in the way of her competition. Stop primping for them! She mentally berated herself. You don’t have to look good just because there are eight extremely hot men in the same house as you. Control yourself girl. 

Still, she only left her room once deeming herself presentable and ready. Rushing to the living space where the others were beginning to congregate. She slipped past them quietly, hooking up her switch as she set up the game. She waited until everyone was there before clearing her throat slightly.

“Now. Please be careful when dancing, sometimes remotes slip out of hands and things can get wild.” The girl began, looking slightly to the side of Bang Chan's eyes. “And if I know anything about this group it’s that you will all get very wild.” She spoke with a small smile before finally working up the courage to look in Chan's eyes. 

“Now. Who wants to go first?” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seol-A watched with an amused smile as the boys laughed with enjoyment. She’d been expecting to be the one dancing the most of the group, as she was the only one who had previously played Just Dance. In reality she hadn’t been able to play the game once during the three hours they’d been at it. All of them eagerly fought each other for the controllers and the privilege of dancing along to the music. 

The girl leaned back against the couch, watching Felix and Hyunjin practically climb over each other trying to fight for the remote. 

“Yah!” Chan yelled out with a laugh. “Cut it out you two! Why don’t you let Seol-A have a go, she hasn’t danced at all yet and she suggested the game.” The two boys paused, eyes wide as they both turned to look at her. The raven just waved at them with a soft smile. 

“Ah it's all good Chan-ssi. It’s fun to watch all of you have so much fun. Besides, I’ll win if I dance against you all.” She waved her hand dismissively, gazing down at her phone. The words caused a low grumble to fill the space. 

“I'd like to see you try and beat us!” Changbin yelled as he lifted his controller high, meanwhile at the same time a body found its way across her lap. 

“I told you to just call me ‘oppa’,” Chan whined as he looked up at her. “Stop being formal. I hate it.” He continued to complain, moving the girl's phone and forcing her to look at him. Seol-A’s face started to heat at his close proximity and she felt herself pout slightly. 

“I’m just being respectful!” she protested quietly, eyes flicking away from the body draped on her thighs. Why are they all so touchy! I’m gonna die at this rate! She cried internally as she continued to fidget with her hands. 

Another body draped itself across her, a firm body wiggling its way between her back and the couch. She let out a startled yelp, trying to figure out who was tormenting her now. 

“Yeah! Why are you so formal, Seol-A?” Minho's mischievous voice chimed as he planted his head on her shoulder, obviously enjoying her suffering. “It's so mean.” 

The girl let out a loud huff as she gently maneuvered Chan off of her legs. “Sorry! Sorry. I’ll call you oppa. So demanding,” she muttered to herself as she got up. “And I’ll play, ok! Someone hand me a controller please.” 

The red controller was placed into her hand and she sighed, looking at the screen before a small smile found its way onto her face. Oh if this was the song they were going to be playing this round she would win for sure.

“We're doing the Ketchup song because it sounds funny,” Han explained with a big grin. Seol-A simply nodded before joining the other five in the middle of the living room. 

“Uh, you need pairs for this song.” She informed the group with a shy look at the floor. “There are a few partner moves in it.” 

“Oh! Should we do a team competition then?” Felix suggested as he inched closer to the girl who was watching him with raised eyebrows. “Like the best team wins and not the best individual? We can have Binnie and Channie-hyungs choose who did best.” There was a resounding sound of agreement from the group and Felix quickly lunged to the girl, intending to claim her as his dance partner. 

Within a second Seol-A felt a hand on her shoulder, and it wasn’t Felix’s. “I claim the new Maknee.” I.N. spoke, a shit eating grin stretching across his face as he watched Felix’s face fall into despair. 

“No! Ah! I was about to claim her! Not fair! That's not very noice!” the man jokingly screamed in annoyance, and his final words seemed to set off a chain reaction in the rest of the group. A chorus of ‘that's not very noice’ surrounded the raven headed girl as she stared out at her elders with a confused face. 

“Yah! Seol-A! You have to say it too!” Hyunjin yelled, a happy grin on his face. The girl blinked once, then twice, and in a slow, quiet voice parroted. 

“That's not very nice?” She then looked around at the others. “Did I do it right? I’m confused.” 

“You sound american!” Chan exclaimed as he looked at her with an intrigued smile. “Do you speak English?” 

“She’s fluent in it,” Seungmin spoke casually as he slid next to I.N, removing his hand. “And unless you want me to show her photos of you sleeping in weird positions in the car, I get to be her partner.” The boy grinned with a mischievous smirk. 

“Wha- Hyung! Not fair!” I.N. cried out with a betrayed look on his face. 

“How’d you know that, Seungmin?” Chan asked in confusion as he ignored the petulant whines from the youngest man. 

“We spent last night together,” the puppy spoke, wiggling his eyebrows conspiratorially. This earned a chorus of scandalized gasps and choking noises (Changbin had been taking a sip of water before the puppy had decided to be a menace).

“Seungmin!” Seol-A exclaimed, face red. “We read together, I read to you in English and then you fell asleep on my bed! Don’t put it like that! You’ll give the old man a heart attack!” 

“Hey! I’m not old!” 

“Sorry!” Seol-A exclaimed as she looked helplessly over at Chan. “I didn’t mean you're old I just meant your older than me and-”

“No, no, no, you meant it,” Seungmin said, cutting the girl off as he grabbed the raven's shoulder and had her look in his eyes. “You meant it. Ok?” The girl looked at him, pure confusion written all over her face. 

“I did?” 

“Yes, you did.” He nodded, satisfied, before turning the girl to look at Chan. “Tell him you meant it, then call him old again.” 

“I- uh. Uh, I meant it? And you're old.” The girl stuttered out, watching the older man with a confused expression. She received a pat on the shoulder from Seungmin as the rest of the group burst into laughter. 

“Good job.” 

“Can we just play?” the girl whined softly, looking longingly at the T.V. Not aware of Chan gesturing for I.N. to give him the controller. The girl looked over, however, when Chan grinned and pointed at her. 

“If I beat the two of you, you have to admit I’m not old! Ok?” he challenged the duo, who looked over at each other, matching impish grins forming on their faces. 

“Ok,” the duo chorused, causing chills to form on the group’s spine as they realized something. 

Seol-A and Seungmin were alike when the girl wasn’t nervous, and they’d already seemed to form an alliance with each other. 

And it was little to no surprise, when the duo won. 

Chapter Text

By the time the month had passed, Seol-A found herself growing more and more anxious for the comeback. As she sat staring at her stylist through the mirror, it felt more real than ever.

“You want to do what with my hair?” Seol-A quirked her brow, running her hand through her long black waves. 

“Since you don’t have any lines in this comeback we wanted to make you stand out more.” Jun, her new stylist, explained. “We’ll cut it short, a bob stopping right at your chin. It’ll help bring out your strong facial features, make them look sharper. JYP wants you to look as androgynous as possible. Then we’ll dye it pure white to contrast with your skin.” The girl spoke as she started sectioning the length of Seol-A’s hair. The girl's eyes furrowed. 

“Why do they want me to look androgynous?” 

“I’ll make you unique and stir up more buzz about your addition to stray kids.” The woman answered as she started to cut off the dead ends of Seol-A’s hair. “Though it is a shame we have to get rid of all of this, you’ve got such long pretty hair. Maybe I’ll ask if we can save it and make your extensions out of it, that way it’ll match your hair type perfectly when we put in extensions for stages.”  

The raven headed girl nodded slightly, showing her approval. Not that she had much of a choice, they were going to cut her hair either way. Her stylist continued as she began to section the girls hair, preparing for the big chop. 

“While you're getting bleach put in your hair we’ll do molding for your in-ears. You’ll get them back before your first  for the comeback friday.  It’ll take a few lifts and lightnings to get your hair pure white, so while the bleach is developing in your hair you’ll fill out a form for your first interview. Simple things that you enjoy that are unique to you. You want to seem interesting during these interviews, so the interviewee needs to know information about you. Normally we’d wait a few weeks in between lightning sessions for your hair but we don’t have that type of time. We’ll lighten you to an ashy blonde today then get you to white tomorrow. While you're getting lightened to white tomorrow we’ll do measurements on you, almost every part will be measured so that we can ensure your clothes fit you perfectly.” 

Seol-A didn’t get any time to respond to the onslaught of info before another woman was walking over to them. 

“Hey, I'm here to do your in-ears.” The woman smiled as she spoke, pulling out her tools as Jun began to cut the girls hair, forcing her to face forward. Seol-A gave a hum of acknowledgement to the lady, keeping still as she watched large sections of her long hair fall to the ground, each getting trimmed off carefully by Jun. 

“I’m going to have you put this little piece of foam back into your eardrum very carefully. This string connecting to it will let me pull the silicone out when the mold is done.” The woman explained as she showed the girl in the chair each piece of equipment that would be used on her. “We’ll also put little blocks in your mouth for you to bite on, this way the pressure in your ears will be equal and make it more comfortable when you're on stage performing. Once these blocks are in place, we are going to fill your ears with a silicone mix that will dry quickly and pull away from your skin a small amount. That's how we know it's dry.” The woman explained, pulling out the last of her supplies before fully turning to look at Seol-A. 

“Then the molds will be sent off and you’ll get the finished product day of your comeback!” She chimed happily as she looked at the girl, tweezers in hand with a piece of foam in the grips. Seol-a made a hum of acknowledgement, still holding her head still as the last strands of her long hair were cut from her head. 

The next hours passed in a blur, her ears getting filled with silicone, a thick layer of bleach being laid in her hair, question upon question on a form for her to fill out.

The girl answered each diligently, mind completely filtering out the rest of the world around her, noises dimming completely as she filled out the form on autopilot. 

She was brought out of her working trance by a body squatting right in front of her own. Seol-A glanced up to find a smiling Seungmin, holding out a cup of tea. 

“Figured you’d need something, since you’ve been here for hours now.” 

Seol-A glanced at her phone, nearly balking at the time. 

“Oh wow, I didn’t realize it was already that late,” she murmured to herself, the soreness and stiffness in her joints finally processing. Her hair was still covered in bleach, her second coat that day (they’d taken a break for lunch and dinner to give her hair a break- she’d danced through those hours for more practice) and the burning sensation on her scalp was beginning to become uncomfortable. She looked at the man in front of her, suddenly feeling exhaustion set in with a vengeance. She took the tea with a grateful smile, subconsciously shifting her leg to be pressed against his knee, seeking physical contact. 

“You look tired. Did you sleep last night?” he asked as he sat, allowing the girl's leg to stay pressed against his. Seol-A shook her head in response, leaning back into her chair as she fiddled with the string of her teabag. 

“No, I couldn't seem to get tired enough to shut off my brain. I reread No Longer Human instead,” she admitted. She sipped absentmindedly at her tea, eyes glossy as she gazed down at him. The man's face pulled into a deep frown. 

“You didn’t sleep the night before that either. You were still in your chair when I woke up after our late night reading.” 

Seol-A shrugged, a smile forming on her face at the thought of the now near-nightly ritual. “I don’t really sleep much. I’ll crash out in a few days when the exhaustion catches up to me, but I can’t get my brain to shut off right now in order to sleep.” 

Seol-A fiddled with the hem of her sweatshirt, too tired to care about the nerves coursing through her when talking to the older man. 

As if he’d read her mind, Seungminlooked up at her with a raised brow. “You're much less tense around me than you were before.” 

“Too tired to be properly nervous like I normally am. The anxiety will come back once I’ve slept and care more about my general state of being.” Seol-a sighed as she leaned back in her chair, face pulling into a grimace. Seungmin couldn’t help but snort at the words, turning his back to her and leaning against her legs. 

“Alright.” He gave a small smile, and Seol-A couldn’t help but feel a soft swell in her chest. He wasn’t judging her for her nerves, or anxiety, or lack of sleep. Just  saying alright and letting it be. The girl smiled gently, shifting her legs to be more comfortable for him to lean on- ensuring her knees wouldn't dig into his ribs. The two sat in relative silence, the bustling of the staff around them falling into the background as Seungmin played with her shoe laces and she let herself relax for the moment. 

“You’re surprisingly touchy. I always assumed you didn’t like it when the others forced you into hugs.” Seol-A spoke casually, hands finding her way onto his head and into his silky locks. 

“I only like it when I say so,” he responded flippantly, leaning into her hands and encouraging her to keep playing with his hair. Startled, Seol-A withdrew her hands. When did I even put my hands there? Keep your hands to yourself, Seol-A! He’s gonna think you’re weird! the little voice in the back of her head chided her. 

“Hey I didn’t say you could stop,” Seungmin whined, his hands searching for hers. Seol-A tensed. Oh my holy stars above he's trying to get me to run my hands through his hair again. Have I died and ascended? This can’t be happening right now. This is amazing. I can’t touch him though. That's weird. But he wants me to? What should I do? 

Her hesitation must have shown because the next thing she knew Seungmin’s hands were wrapping around her wrist and dragging her fingers back into his hair. 

“Moooove,” the man whined with a pout, and Seol-a let herself play with his hair again. He slumped back happily, his hands falling back to his sides and fiddling with her shoe laces once more.

The girl blinked once, then twice, before hesitantly letting merely relax once more as he leaned against the chair in between her legs. The two sat in comfortable silence for a long time after, only leaving their positions when Seol-A had to get up and rinse the second round of lightener from her hair. She sat back in her seat, the next bleach bath burning her scalp, and the man returned to leaning back and signaling for her to play with his hair. 

She thread her fingers through Seungmin’s locks as he spoke again, hesitantly asking, “You won’t get all anxious when talking to me after you’ve slept…right?”

 Seol-A thought about it for a long moment.

“No Seung, I don’t think I will.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day, Seol-A found herself in the same spot as the day prior, head now covered in toner (she’d done three bleach baths yesterday, only managing to get through it because her hair was virgin and healthy before the process) and stuck in the same styling room. This time however, she felt much more self conscious than the day prior. She stood on a box, in her bra and a pair of biker shorts, with a group of stylists standing there staring at her. They were going to measure her to fit her for all of her comeback outfits, and she understood they needed to know what she looked like, but she couldn't help but feel like some sort of object as they all stood there staring. 

Finally one of the stylists stepped forward and began measuring her, hands gripping her leg harshly. “Well, for someone as ugly as you at least you're tall,” the woman spoke easily. “Too dark, you look dirty and much too boney. Outseam 91.44 centimeters.” 

Seol-A flinched back slightly from the words, looking at the older woman with a face screwed up in annoyance, hurt, and disgust. “Excuse me?” 

The staff looked up at her angry face and tisked, waving her hand. 

“No need to be so sensitive over it. Just telling you the facts, you’ll need to get used to it in this industry. Hips 86 centimeters, she’ll need hip pads.” The woman causally spoke as she continued moving the measuring tape around Seol-A’s body. The girl felt herself beginning to shrink into her shell once again, pointedly staring at the floor with a dead face. It’d been a while since she’d heard such remarks made so plainly to her face. She was used to it from random people she didn’t know on the street, but to be standing there, nearly bare, with this woman insulting her made her want to cry. She just wanted to go back to her room and hide under her covers, staying there forever.

“Waist is 76.2 centimeters. Bigger than we want it to be, you’ll need to start a diet.” The girl's face darkened further. “And she’s got a small bust too, could have at least gotten some good traits. You’re just a tall boney stick. Willowy, not strong.” The woman chided. Seol-A felt the anger in her gut finally bubble over. 

“I’m 187.88 centimeters tall, of course I’m going to have a wider waist.” The girl snapped. “My skin is beautiful, not too dark. I am the same color as my Vovô and I am proud to be, I don’t need to be white. I am proud of my heritage and culture and you are not going to call me dirty. Nor am I weak, I work out continuously, just because my muscles are lithe and not apparent without me using them doesn't mean they do not exist. I have healthy fat all over my body- the appropriate amount for my body type, meaning I don’t need your stupid hip pads and I’m not boney. If you continue to talk to me like this I’ll be sure to inform my leader, and I don’t believe he'd be happy about it. I’m sure you’d be out of a job in an instant.” 

“What will I not be happy about? Who am I firing?” A voice spoke from behind her and Seol-A, and the girl let out a squeak as she spun around, suddenly much more self conscious of her position upon that wretched box than she had been before. Chan, bless his soul, didn’t look at her, simply locking eyes with her seamstress, pulling off his zip up, and thrusting it at Seol-A so she could have something on. 

“Thanks.” The girl murmured softly as she pulled the zip up on. “And I’m sure the woman who was measuring me would love to inform you of what she thinks of my body, my skin tone, and my features,” she said bitterly, stepping off the box and subconsciously hiding behind Chan, despite him being shorter than her by a fair amount. She felt safer with his mass in front of her. If she’d been in front of him she’d have seen how his gaze sharpened, lips pulling into a sneer as he stared down the staff member. 

The woman placed down her measuring tape, a sheepish look on her face. “I was just informing her of some of the…modifications we’d make to her clothes to help her look more…voluptuous. I also informed her that the clothes we currently have for her will be a bit tight around her midsection, so she might benefit from losing some weight.” 

“Bull,” Seol-A spoke from behind Chan, coming to stand directly behind his back. “You told me that a waist of 76 centimeters was too big and I needed to start a diet, that I could have at least gotten some good traits since I have small breasts. That I looked dirty due to my skin color and that I needed to get used to people just telling me facts like that in this industry, apparently I was being too sensitive.” The girl spoke with a cool tone, her legs shaking slightly but still standing firm. She hated conflict with a passion, but she wasn’t going to sit there and listen to this old lady badmouth her openly.

“Is that so?” Chan's voice came out in a low growl. The now white haired girl blinked, she’d never heard her leader sound so angry before. “Seol-A, why don’t you go get that stuff rinsed out of your hair. Jun, take her out of the room please. I need to have some words with this staff.” 

Seol-A felt herself be guided out of the room, Jun having quickly latched to her arm. She furrowed her eyes in confusion, why did Chan seem to care so much? Yeah she had threatened the seamstress with telling her leader about the mistreatment, but realistically this was something to be expected. She knew she was going to get hate for her skin color in this field, she’d gotten odd looks and off colored comments since she was a kid. So she was surprised to see how angry Chan had seemed to get at the words. It wasn’t even the worst things that had been said to her, she had heard much worse in her time as a trainee, and even growing up. She just felt more vulnerable than she normally would in that situation because she was near nude in front of the woman. 

Seol-A was led back into the hair and makeup chair that she’d been getting her hair done in, making eye contact with Han—confusion still clear on her face. She blinked at herself a few times in the mirror, before locking eyes with her hair stylist. 

“Is he actually going to chew her out?” she questioned, eyebrows raised. “He knows he doesn't have to? I was just threatening her when I said I would tell him so that she’d knock it off.” 

“What’s going on?” Han asked as he made his way over to the girls chair, subsequently causing his stylist to have to chase after him with styling scissors. He stood over her, causing the girl to crane her neck up at him, she blinked a few times as she took in the black locks sitting against his head. She panicked, not wanting to tell him about the mean seamstress and blatantly racist comments made against him. It didn’t help that he looked so genuine when he was gazing down at her, with puffed out cheeks and big boba eyes. She knew that if he pushed she’d tell him anything. 

Regretfully, her mouth often moved before her brain could dictate the words properly.

“I forget how pretty you are until I look at you.” The girl's words spilled out of her lips before she could think, observing his face. She felt the words register in her mind and her mouth parted slightly. What the hell? Why did I say that? Now he’s gonna think I’m a creep! Plus there’s definitely something going on between him and Minho. Why did I say that? Why? 

“I’m so sorry. That just came out. You’re probably uncomfortable now,” Seol-A apologised, frantically bowing to the elder in apology, her face red. “Please forget I said that, oh my gosh. Please.” She continued to bow up and down. She peeked up at him and saw him just standing there, face slightly confused and tinged with red. 

It was silent as the two just stared at each other, Han’s mouth opening and closing as if trying to find words to say to her but failing. She wished he’d just chew her out or something, at least to break the tension. Thankfully, like a blessing from the lord above, her stylist came up behind her and placed a hand on her back. 

“As much as I’m enjoying watching this incredibly awkward interaction, Seol-A you need to get up so I can rinse out your hair.” The girl let out a soft squeak as she hesitantly looked up to Han, who was still looking down at her with wide boba eyes and red tinged cheeks. She then stood, bowing again, before scrambling over to the rinsing area, away from her styling seat. She lay back, allowing Jun to wash out the toner. She was grateful for the distraction- internally praising her stylist for getting her out of the uncomfortable situation. She heard Han leave the room and let herself relax slightly. She knew his hair was nearly done anyway, so his stylist must have taken advantage of his frozen state to finish it. She was eternally grateful she wouldn't have to talk to him after that awkward exchange. 

The rest of her time in the chair passed quickly, she didn’t see her leader again, and none of the others came to visit. She was a little sad that they hadn’t, though glad that Han never came back in. For the past month, she’d gotten very used to being surrounded by them. She was still unsure of how to act around most of them, feeling awkward and clunky next to their seamless blend, but she was slowly becoming closer to the others in the group. Seungmin had found a special safe place in her heart after very cutely asking her how to pronounce epitome during one of their first late night reading sessions, and IN had taken to joining the duo’s late night reading just to heckle the books. Minho was a work in progress. The man enjoyed showing her his cats, and she found she could actually form somewhat coherent sentences with him when he wasn’t hanging off of her, complimenting her, or antagonizing her. So maybe she couldn't talk properly with him very often, but it was still better than their first interactions.Chan still intimidated her—he was a very attractive man who could also very much kick her out of the group anytime he pleased, so she was hesitant to attempt conversation with him, despite his kind attempts (which were always met by panicked and awkward responses). Changbin had taken to pestering her to go to the gym with him, insisting that he show her how to get a “sleeper build” whatever that was. It started after she mentioned she liked running (when Seungmin heard this he called her a psychopath) and lifting and that her muscles were not, in fact, completely from dance—and then suddenly it was the older man's life mission to get her in the gym with him. 

Seol-A found she didn’t mind it much thought she would, and she enjoyed lifting with him when she got spare time between learning all she needed before their comeback. However those were the only ones she really saw much of. Han’s, Felix’s, and Hyunjin’s schedules always seemed to conflict with hers, and they were very rarely around each other, despite the fact they’d all been moved into the same dorms again for the sole purpose of getting to know her. 

That was probably why the interaction she’d just had with Han was so awkward, she mused as she let her stylist finish trimming and refining the haircut she’d been given. Jun had called it an A-line bob, and she liked it. She looked much fiercer than she had in years, the hair bringing out how angular her face actually was. Her skin contrasted with the hair beautifully, and she couldn’t help but bow deep when Jun finally finished with the cut. 

“I love it Noona, thank you so much!” Seol-A exclaimed with a bright smile. Jun grinned back. 

“I knew you would. Now go home and rest. You debut in three days and tomorrow you’ll have an interview, so you need to have your head on right. Sometimes people like to throw in questions that aren't okayed. Thankfully, your leader is very firm about that kind of thing, and you shouldn't be pushed into a bad situation.” 

The girl let out a quiet thank you, bowing slightly before making her way to her new home as quickly as she could. She was exhausted from the back to back strange exchanges during the day and just wanted to go curl up in bed and read with Seungmin again. Maybe he’d be in another touchy mood and would just lay on top of her like he did yesterday, after claiming he was going to be her weighted blanket. She’d found it actually rather nice, and he’d told her that it was something the group often did for Jisung when he was overthinking. 

She entered the shared living space with a yawn, sliding out of her shoes and stretching, shivering lightly as cool air hit her midriff. Chan insisted on keeping the house in the deep freeze, constantly in the 60’s, so that everyone could sleep better during the nights. She let out a few bitter curses over the temperature as she slunk her way to the living room, waiting to see if anyone was home. 

And oh how she wished she’d just gone to her room then, because in the living room were two very shirtless men. Changbin and Chan stood together, each with their own freeform weights, casually talking as they lifted. The girl froze, mouth falling open as she watched the muscles ripple in their backs. 

They could pick you up like a sack of potatoes. You’d weigh nothing to those men, a little voice whispered in the back of her head. Nothing. 

She shut the voice down viciously, seriously! Just because there were attractive men didn’t mean she suddenly had to become some sort of hormonal teenage girl! She was 22! She could be normal about very hot, very sweaty, very built, shirtless men lifting weights in her living room at 8 at night. Yeah. She’d just make her way to her room, be so incredibly chill. She’d just be chill. So chill. 

The two started laughing and she looked again, and realized she very much was not chill. 

ABORT! ABORT! ABORT MISSION SOLDIER! her mind screamed as she watched dimples form on Chan’s cheeks and realized Changbin’s hair was in its naturally curly state. She quickly scampered to her room, trying to go unnoticed by the two in the living room. She threw her door open, closing it and slowly sinking to the floor against her door, face red and butterflies in her stomach. 

Shit. 

She was so not chill. 

Chapter Text

To say Seol-a was nervous was an understatement. She sat still as a rock, gazing at her own slightly shaking form in the dressing room mirror. The others had already left, beginning to record the first part of the interview. She was going to come on during the middle of the interview, and the first part would be continuously hinting at her existence. Yet as she sat there, blank face as her makeup artist gently put a shimmering pearl highlight on her nose, she felt very little excitement at the prospect.

Would she do alright? Would Stay like her? Would the group be proud of her during the interview? How much would she screw it up? Maybe she should have pretended to be ill, throw up and go home. She felt like she could throw up, maybe the others wouldn't be too angry. After all they were the ones who wrote the album in the comeback anyway. She was just a figure piece this time around. 

She wasn’t able to make good on any of her plans to escape, because the next thing she knew she came too and she was standing on the side of the filming set, close to going on. The cameras cut for a moment, calling for a small break before they filmed her entrance. 

Within a second a set of arms were wrapped around her. Her mind still felt tingly, floating along a river that wanted to pull her under- yet she let herself sink into the body, leaning her head forward as she took a deep breath. Seungmin- he always smells like herbs and fresh laundry. Her mind supplied within a moment of the scent hitting her nose, and she let her head roll into the crook of his neck. She subconsciously began to breathe in when he was breathing and exhaled softly alongside him. 

He began to hum softly, a melody not yet created forming a blanket around her being. She wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, and it couldn't have been too long because she knew the filming crew was still setting up for her addition into the video, but when he pulled back she felt much more secure, giving him a soft smile.

“Thanks Minnie.” The girl murmured quietly, letting his arms fall from around her waist but grabbing onto his hand as they stood and waited for further instruction. Seungmin pulled her gently over to a snack table set up in the corner of the room, grabbed her a water and a handful of grapes, and pointedly shoved them at her. No words were needed as she began pulling the grapes from the vine and slowly chewing and eating them, taking sips of the water in between bites. Slowly the nerves that had been consuming her were reduced to a meer tremble of her legs and elevated heart rate. 

“Better?” The man finally asked, and the girl nodded, leaning her head on his shoulder. The two stood in silence, and Seol-a was glad that the others had remained unaware of her panic. She supposed Seungmin knew what she looked like when having an existential crisis better than anyone there, as the two had many deep and philosophical conversations about the meaning of life- often brought on by a highly concerning point brought up in one of the classics the two were reading during the middle of the night. 

Once she had finished eating her grapes the two, still holding hands, made their way back to the edge of the film set, and for the first time Seol-A noticed a ninth chair right in the middle of the front row and she felt her heart swell in her chest. She was going to be doing it. She was actually going to be debuting, people would know her. Her music would be heard. 

“Alright everyone! Huddle up!” The director called out, making his way over to the duo standing next to the set. When the others had all formed a small circle the man smiled. “Alright, brief run down. We didn’t create a script for this interview because we wanted Stay to get a real sense of what Seol-a is like.” The staff then turned to her. “You’ll be asked a little bit about your childhood, as well as some of your cultural background as you’re part brazilian. Then some questions about different things you said you liked on the form we had you fill out will be asked. Then, we’re going to have a competition between all of the boys. Some of them have had answers to certain questions memorized so it looks more like everyone knows you equally. There are a number of questions on the list that we haven't told them the answers to though, so if any member knows the answer due to a previous interaction they’ve had with you this past month they can answer- and if no one knows you can give the answer.” 

Seol-a nodded as she processed the information. “Allright, will I be introducing myself with my stage name or my real name?” The girl questioned, leaning back into Seungmin, who at some point had wrapped one arm around her waist and pulled her back into his side.

“We’ll have you introduce yourself using both.” The man explained, “We’ve already uploaded your bubble account, we did at the beginning of this week- however it will be private until friday when you officially make your comeback. So Stay will know you by both names already.” 

Seol-A nodded, humming in acknowledgement as she focused on the director. She would need to pretend to know the boys more than she actually did. She supposed she should just treat all of them how she’d treat Seungmin and Jeongin during their late night reading sessions, or when her and Changbin would lift. It would make the interactions seem more genuine- despite the nerves coursing through her body at the idea of interacting with all of them at once. Especially while she’d be on camera. 

“We’re gonna have you take that chair there in the middle and bring it on with you, we placed the chair markings so you’ll see exactly where to place it.” the man informed her and she nodded, a smile making its way onto her face. Once the director felt he’d told all the information he needed to, he moved away. 

“You ready for this?” Chan asked as he made his way to the girls side, and the girl nodded softly. 

“Yeah, I am.” She finally looked up, mismatched eyes meeting his warm brown as she smiled gently. “Let's do this.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, Stella.” The interviewer spoke, addressing Seol-A by her stage name. “Tell us a bit about yourself! Stay want to know more about their newest stray!” The woman spoke with a big smile, “What was your childhood like?” 

The girl smiled as she sat on her chair, front and center of her group. She leaned back slightly “Well let's see!” The girl laughed lightly, “ I grew up in Daegu with my three siblings, and I’m the second oldest of four- so a middle child. All of my siblings are brothers, my oppa is 25, so three years older than me, and my dongsaeng are 21 and 19. I love all of them to death, though they all know how to get on my nerves. Especially since none of them could ever keep our room clean.” the girl groaned out as she rolled her eyes. 

“Your room? Did you and your siblings share a bedroom?” The interviewer asked and Seol-A felt Chan stiffen behind her, she leaned back on his knee slightly, signaling to him she was ok with answering the question and smiled. 

“Yes, we didn’t have much when I was younger. Our house was a small home we were permitted to build on the top of an apartment building. They rented out the roof to us as our home space, and we built our living space on top of it, then would be permitted to use the running water and electricity inside the apartment complex to bathe and charge up our generator for the small heater and lights we had inside our house. We didn't have a ton of room, so my brothers and I shared a room.” The girl explained with a smile. 

The interviewer looked at her with a pale face, seeming startled by her answer. The girl couldn’t help but internally laugh at the expression. It's the reaction she often got when she told people what her life was like growing up. She knew logically it wasn’t a normal experience, and as a kid it had always been a sensitive subject for her. Now that she was older though she found it didn’t bother her nearly as much, her parents had done everything they could to keep her and her siblings happy, and they were always fed. Sure she didn’t have much, but her family loved and cared for each other- something she now knew she couldn’t take for granted. 

“In the summers though we’d all get our own space, which was good.” Seol-a continued with a smile. 

“Ah yeah, you went to Brazil in the summers right?” Feilx spoke from beside her and she nodded. 

“Yeah! My avós would fly us all out at summer start and then fly us back at summer end.” The girl smiled. “We’d spend the summers in Sao Paulo where they lived, and we did that since I turned five.” 

“What was that like?” The interviewer finally asked, seeming to have recovered from her previous shock. 

“Oh it was wonderful.” The girl smiled, “We’d go out to street celebrations wherever we could, I’d play volleyball on the sand with my brothers and a few friends I had over there. My avó taught me samba, and so we’d often be pulled into dance circles when out at the markets for food, then come home and cook big lunches for the rest of my family. We’d go swimming at night and when I was old enough me and my brothers would go to beach parties and be out late into the morning.” The girl was grinning now, a hint of wistfulness in her eyes as she longed to be back under the stars next to the ocean. 

“I found it interesting that when you came in you greeted everyone in a very Korean way.” The interviewer spoke, and Seol-A’s brows furrowed slightly in confusion. “You came in and bowed instead of greeting with kisses like many Brazilians do.” The woman continued and the girl couldn't help but let out a sharp laugh.

“Well I know better. I think I’d scare people away if I greeted people how I do when I’m back home. After all I’m sure none of you would have appreciated me giving you a big hug and kissing your cheeks. Since I’m a female none of you would have been spared.” The girl continued to giggle softly, “Some guys will greet other men with kisses but not many, however most females will greet each other with them, and males will greet women with them as well. Since I lived in San Paulo you typically would only greet with one, unless you were super excited to see someone. My avós would greet us each with three when we came back from Korea.” the girl explained, “However in other places in Brazil, say Rio de Janeiro, it's common to greet with two, and in places like Bahia you greet with three.” 

“Three?” Han spoke with wide eyes, mouth slightly agape. The girl snickered at the reaction. 

“Yes three Han, would you like a demonstration? You seem rather fascinated with the idea.” The white haired minx asked, her lips curving into a teasing smile. The man stuttered, eyes going wider as he stumbled over his words. 

“What? No beijos Hannie?” She continued to tease, grinning as the man whipped his head to the camera with a lost look, face turning red. The others laughed along as the man let out stuttered denials. 

“You don’t typically actually kiss someone's cheek Han.” The girl spoke, finally taking pity on the man and letting him breathe. “You press your right cheek to the other person's right cheek and kiss.” I let the man know, watching as he allowed himself to relax a little at the words. “If it's someone really close, like family, then you might get actual kisses, but its not common outside of family.” The girl then looked back to the interviewer. 

“Now you see why I don’t believe that it would be within your interest for me to greet you as I’d greet people in brazil.” She laughed. “I highly doubt that you’d appreciate me coming up and kissing you.” 

The woman shook her head with a faux look of horror and Seol-A giggled again. Looking down slightly when she felt her hand getting picked up and her rings played with. She glanced over to see Felix rotating her rings with a faint smile, spinning them around as he fiddled with them. The girl couldn’t help the way her face softened slightly, and despite her internal panic over his holding her hand she let him keep it. 

“When did you decide you wanted to be an idol?” The interviewer asked and the girl paused, looking off into the distance for a moment, a face she’d rather forget flashing through her mind for a moment. 

““Well I knew a person who was connected to the idol world when I had just moved here to Seoul for work, and they’d told me that I would be a perfect fit. Now I’d be the first to admit I really knew nothing about K-pop before going into the first audition, but I’d learned lots of dance and how to sing while I was in brazil- and I got lucky enough to make it through the audition process and into becoming a trainee. I actually started over at what was at that time Big Hit. I was mostly going through training so that I’d have a place to live and I’d go to a local dance place for extra lessons some nights. Some spaces offer special nights for trainees or actual idols so that they can take some dance classes for fun instead of just for work. It was actually during one of those nights that I met Jeongyeon-eonni and the two of us really hit it off. 

I later went to a Blackpink concert and that's when I really fell in love with the idea of performing, I wanted to be up on stage and dancing and singing with everyone. I felt like I needed it. From that moment on I put my whole heart into training, and now five years later and one company trade later here I am!” The girl spoke as she grinned, “I got really lucky and Chan decided to bring me into this wonderful group of people, and I plan to be here for as long as everyone will have me.”

“Forever.” A voice chimed from behind her and she glanced back to see a beaming Changbin. “She’s staying forever, she works out with me so she can’t leave or I’ll miss my new lifting buddy.” 

A loud whine of protest came from Chan at the words, “What about me?! I lift with you too!” The man cried out dramatically as he gripped his chest. “Have I been replaced?!” 

“Yeah but Seol-A let's me distract her when she lifts.” Changbin protested, “And you always scold me when I distract you by being my adorable and cute self.” 

The girl let out a snort, “You don’t give me a chance Binne- one minute I’m doing a deadlift and the next your right behind me making weird faces and I can’t help but laugh.” She protested as she turned back to fully look at him and the man pouted at her before doing a ridiculous aegyo face, scrunching his nose and making a heart around his cheeks as he made a silly noise. The girl couldn’t help but giggle as her eyebrows raised.

“Binnie, I love you, but you look constipated, unscrunch your nose.” The girl laughed, watching as his face dropped slack and he looked at her with wide eyes.

“Yah! Respect your oppa!” He scolded as he lightly hit her arm. The girl pretended to fall over, letting out a loud wounded noise.

“Ah! Help! Changbinnie is being mean!” She cried in fake pain, hiding behind felix who had yet to let go of her hand. 

The man straightened out, hiding more of her form, especially since she was crouching and not standing to her full height. Then as he smiled he responded in a deep voice, “Thats not very noice Changbin.” 

The result was immediate, just at the first time she’d ever heard the man do it, the rest of the group echoed him like a group of parakeets, and she chimed in without prompting this time, grinning over Felix’s shoulder as she wiggled her eyebrows at Changbin. The man shook his head in disbelief, reaching over to pinch her cheek lightly. 

“You're lucky you're such a cute maknae.” He grumbled, and Seol-A let out a bright laugh as she stood to her full height, making her way back to her chair before once again being stopped. 

“Omo,” the interviewer gasped as she stood, “How tall are you!” 

The girl smiled sheepishly as she scratched the back of her head, “Uhh, 188 cm? I think that's what it was when I last got measured.” The white haired girl informed the woman, laughing softly when she let out a gasp of surprise. 

“You’re a giant!” The woman spoke with wide eyes, “Wait wait, I want the tallest guy in your group to stand up, I want to see the height difference!” She urged and hesitantly Hyunjin stood, making his way over to the girl. She smiled and wiggled her eyebrows at him, looking down at the man who was nearly half a head shorter than her. The man's eyes widened as he dramatically reached up to pull at his hair lightly. 

“I never realized how much taller than me you are!” The boy cried out, placing his hands on her shoulder and pushing slightly. “No! Shrink! I wanna be the taller one!” He wailed dramatically as he started jumping in an attempt to be taller. The girl let out a loud laugh as she bent her knees and squatted slightly- attempting to appear less tall for the mans sake. 

The action only seemed to make it worse as he then dramatically grabbed his chest and stumbled over to his seat, flopping down as he muttered something about losing his height privileges. The girl just watched it happen with a fond smile, shaking her head as she finally sat back down on her seat, surprised when she felt a weight on her back. 

Without even looking she knew who it was and simply sighed. “Hello Minho-oppa,” She greeted with a roll of her eyes, and she just knew he was giving the camera his evil bunny smile as he simply took her hair and started playing with it, holding it up in strange directions. The girl was unbothered as this occurred, simply looking over to the interviewer who looked like she would burst out laughing. 

The interviewer smiled at them before gesturing to the staff, and the group watched as a staff member brought out a large piece of posterboard with notecards hanging from it. The movement got the kids attention and they all looked over and watched as it was moved on screen, Minho still playing with Seol-A’s hair as this occurred. 

He’s not going to stop that is he? The girl internally questioned as he started making what she could only assume were shapes with the hair he was playing with. Oh gosh why is he being so cute? Why can’t he just put my hair down! 

Her assumption was correct, Minho kept playing with her hair even as the interviewer began explaining the game they would play. 

“Under each of these cards is a question about your newest member, the first person to correctly answer the question will get a point.” The woman spoke, and Seol-A felt herself spacing out slightly as she felt hands fully rake into her hair. Her shoulders relaxed slightly as the fingers began to massage at her scalp, leaning into the hands as she let out a soft happy hum. 

Holy hell that feels so good. Oh my Lanta. Wait, why is he doing this. Is this just fanservice? It’s gotta be right? There's no way he’d be doing this if it wasn’t fan service. Her mind began to race again as she felt panic rising in her, and then she fet the fingers begin to lightly scratch at her scalp and her mind fell quiet again. 

That feels good. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The girl was exhausted when the interview was finally over, and all she wanted was to go home and curl up into a ball and sleep. That illusion was shattered quickly when she was corralled into her changing room and given a set of dancing clothes. 

“We're going to film the dance practices for Chk Chk Boom and JJAM tonight before you go home. They shouldn’t take too long, and theres a set of heels in there for you to wear during the videos as well. Take a second to change and then meet the others in the practice room.” The staff member said easily as he left, shutting the door behind him. 

Seol-A let out a heavy sigh, she was exhausted- the interview had really taken it out of her, acting as though she wasn’t terrified in front of those cameras was easy enough when she was in front of them. For a moment she herself didn’t even think she was afraid of them, but as soon as she got off of the set she felt her emotions crash down on her and she felt overstimulated. 

Still she shed out of her clothes and put on the outfit they wanted for her to wear during the dance practice. She felt slightly uncomfortable as she put it on. The black crop top they’d given her was just a hair too short, and her shorts were loose and hung low on her hips. She hadn’t been given a belt and there was no way to tighten the fabric against her hips and chest to try and ensure that the fabric would stay on her the way it needed too.

On top of that the material on both was slightly itchy, just enough to make the girl want to crawl out of the clothes. Still she grit her teeth and pulled on the ridiculously high mary janes she’d been given (of which had no ankle support)- and made her way to the practice room. 

When she got into the room she couldn’t help but feel slightly relieved when she saw the faces of the others in the room. Each and every one looked absolutely drained and done, it seemed everyone wanted to go home. She felt better about the situation, thinking that all of them would be patient becuase everyone understood how the other was feeling at the moment. Everyone was exhausted. 

Little did she know that fact was going to be the spark that lit a fire. They got into position, intending to do JJAM first and then go into Chk Chk Boom.

The worst part was they’d gotten through JJAM just fine, Minho had only corrected her once, correcting both Han and Chan during the first take and they were done on the second. Seol-a felt so proud of herself, knowing that she wasn’t holding the group back in any way as they danced. 

Then she realized something was wrong during the first take of Chk Chk Boom. 

Her shirt was too short for her to dance full out in, each time she threw her hands up she could tell she was mere centimeters from accidentally flashing the room. Yet when she’d tried to talk to Minho about it after the end of the first run through he cut her off before she could speak, fixing her form for the bridge of the song and not letting her say anything else as they went for the second time. 

Once again she was unable to dance full out for fear of showing something she shouldn’t, so instead of going to Minho she quickly made her way over to a staff member, asking if there was any way for her to get a different shirt so she could dance full out, but she was very quickly shut down and told that she needed to get back to filming. That the quicker they could film the quicker they could all go home.

By the end of the third take she could tell all of the boys were starting to get irritated with her, and by the end of the fifth she could feel their anger. She herself felt angry, every attempt she’d made to go as full out as she could without flashing anyone wasn’t working, the fabric had started to stick to her skin and bunch as she was dancing, and the strap to one of her mary janes had come loose. She felt just as miserable as all of the others did when she was trying to dance and none of them were listening to her! 

“Seol-A. I told you to get your arms all the way up here!” Minho growled in frustration as they reviewed the footage again, head whipping to glare at her with hard eyes“You’re being lazy, and I hope this isn’t how you’ve been practicing. You’re not a trainee anymore. You can’t slack off.” He hissed as he shoved himself up. The girl opened her mouth, wanting to explain that she was afraid of flashing everyone, that her shoe was broken, but she was cut off quickly. 

“Get in place. If you can’t get it right this time maybe you shouldn't be here.” The man spat, and to her horror no one said anything to defend her. 

She felt anxiety well up in her throat, she knew, she knew logically that he was just angry and tired. He didn’t mean any of that. Right? 

The girl moved to her spot in half a daze, body falling into the movements she’d drilled into it after hours of work. She let her face fall neutral as she danced, finally just figuring she’d screw it and dance full out, despite knowing she would in fact flash the camera. If it made the others happy, and if it got them back to the dorms where they could decompress then she didn’t care if there were a few moments that her bra was flashed to the audience. 

She felt her leg go weak during one of the movements, realizing that her shoe strap had broken. She grit her teeth softly as she continued to dance, hyperflexing her calf in an attempt to keep the shoe on. She did, thank the lord, and when they finally finished dancing she felt her heart settle slightly. 

It would be ok, she was certain that the take would be good, she did everything full out, and she knew she was in time with the others. Yet when Minho wheeled around to look at her she knew that it wasn’t going to be that easy. 

“It took me yelling at you to dance full out? Why did it take you that long? You should have been doing that since the first take!” His voice continued to get louder as he stalked towards her. “Seriously! We’re all tired and ready to go home yet you keep us here working how much later! We’re days away from a comeback Min.” he hissed out her last name as if it was a curse. “Get your goddamn act together or get out!” 

The girl flinched backward, desperate to get away from the angry man in front of her. Different eyes flashed across her mind, a separate face that she once knew to be filled with a similar rage as she looked at the man who had been playing with her hair and joking with her just an hour before. She moved to take a step back, forgetting the strap on her shoe had snapped, and within seconds she had rolled her ankle and ended up hard on the floor. She didn’t make a noise, just stared up at the man in front of her as her foot now throbbed. 

Finally she looked down at the floor, bowing her head low. “Sorry.” She murmured softly, she heard a scoff from above her and then the sound of footsteps headed towards the door. 

“Good.” The man spoke, and just like that he left the room. Then slowly, she heard the others begin to leave as well, until it was just her, skin rubbed raw from the itchy material of her top, foot throbbing from falling over, and tears silently trickling down her face. 

It was just because they were tired. It had to be, that was the only reason this could have happened. She tried to rationalize what had just happened. We all had a long day of filming, we all just wanted to go home. Yeah. It was ok, they’d be ok. 

Yet when she stood, letting out a small whine at the pressure she felt in her foot, she knew deep down that it wasn’t ok. That it was going to be hard for the next few days, and that it might only get worse.

With those thoughts in mind she made her way home slowly, not really wanting to face any of the others at that moment. So she was grateful when she got home and all of the lights were already out, that no one was there to see her limping to her room, that Seungmin and Jeongin had chosen to head right to bed that night and that they weren't curled up in her bed and chair like usual. 

That way none of them saw her cry, because she never intended to let them see her cry. 

Ever. 

Chapter Text

“Thank you all for getting up to have this discussion.” Minho spoke with an even tone, pouring himself a cup of coffee, knuckles white from the grip on the mug. The boys were sitting at their living room table, all but one seat filled. Seol-A had not been called to this early morning meeting, and if all went well the boys never intended to let her know it had occurred. 

“I feel bad having this discussion behind her back.” Jeongin admitted as he poked at the dish in front of him, stirring the soup slowly. “It feels like we're leaving her out of a very important conversation about y'know, her. She should at least be here to defend herself right?”

“That's why we're having the conversation now, Jeongin.” Chan spoke softly, “We’ll go to her with the issues we're having once we have the discussion on the issues we're having. We want to make sure that she understands why we’re annoyed with actions or why we feel certain ways so we need this space to figure out how to articulate it in a way that wont hurt her.” 

“Yeah well it still feels shitty.” the man spoke as he looked to the side and the older man just sighed, turning back to Minho. “You’re the one who called the meeting, so would you like to start?” 

Minho nodded, placing another plate on the table. “Yeah, yesterday really angered me. Its been building for a while, her and I don’t see each other as much as say the Maknees or Changbin- but it felt like we were finally starting to get somewhere. She didn't look like she was going to jump out of her skin when I was messing with her during the interview. I was ecstatic, I want to be able to get along with her. But then last night happened- she wouldn't go full out and she was clumsy with her movements. 

“I was thinking about it last night and I realized every time since those first few days that I was teaching her the choreography I’ve never once seen her practice. Every time I go to check in on her the staff tell me she’s out for one reason or another. I don’t go often but I go during times that I know she should be in there. There's no reason for her to be getting lunch at 3 in the afternoon when her scheduled lunch is at 12. It feels like she isn’t valuing her place on this team and it pisses me off. We’ve worked way too hard to get stuck with a freeloader Chan, we’ve gone through way too much. Woojin, Hyunjins hiatus, the crap that happened with Kingdom- we’ve pushed ourselves so hard to get here.” Minho ran a hand through his hair, “and now she’s part of our group and not respecting that hard work? It’s bullshit!” He exclaimed, anger bubbling over like a pot of water simmering for much too long. 

Han placed a hand on his shoulder and Minho deflated softly, “It's not fair hyung.” He spoke softly, sitting down in his seat. “It’s not fair.” 

“I for one agree with Minho-hyung.” Hyunjin shared, “She’s slacking off with practice and it shows. She was sloppy last night, even during JJAM her footing was off. It’s not as big of a deal right now because she has no front and center spots, but with our world tour coming up and HOP coming out in December she will have spots in the front where Stay can see her. We can’t afford her being sloppy, it won’t do well. We’ve already seen so many angry comments since her bubble account was uploaded- Stay know about the new contract rule and they aren’t happy we have another member. Much less a girl. She’s gonna get torn apart by them if she performs how she did last night. People are going to say that the only reason she’s there is to fit the quota. She’s beautiful, yes, but netizens are going to hate that she’s of color. They’ll call her eyes weird and say she looks ugly, and then she’s going to struggle more with her appearance and dance because she’s mentally in the gutter. We have enough mental issues in this group as it is, and as mean as it sounds I don’t think we have the time or capacity to deal with the damage she's going to get from fans. We already have to deal with those comments ourselves!” 

“She isn’t doing much to try and get to know all of us either.” Han added, absentmindedly stirring his americano (something he had insisted Minho get him if he had to get up early). “She’s close to Seungmin and Innie due to their late night talks, and Changbin is getting to know her, but the rest of us are left in the dark about so much of her. When we were filming that interview yesterday I only knew the answers to the questions I was given. I had no clue she played drums, no idea that she liked Tyler the Creator and The Sound of Music, hell I didn’t even know she was a fan of classical books! I only knew she liked to read because Seungmin stays in her room reading before he goes to sleep. She doesn't even know we're all dating because we don’t know if she's homophobic and against polyamory or not! We know basically everything about each other and that's how we’ve functioned all this time. She’s so closed off about everything and I don’t know how to talk to her! It makes me really anxious because I feel like she’s judging everything I do or say and then I’m scared to talk to her and just perpetuates the cycle!” 

Changbin let out a hum of agreement. “Asking her to the gym constantly helped her open up a little but she rarely talks while we're working out and it always takes way more convincing then it's actually worth. She always says she’s practicing when I try to make time for her to come but if what Minho said was true then she isn’t practicing so she’s just been blowing me off. When she does come to work out with me she won’t actually work with me like Chan does, instead she’ll go to the machine next to me and just sit in silence while we work out, both earbuds in. I’m fine with her having a different workout than I do but the point of me asking her to come with me is that I want to talk to her and get to know her. She shuts me down every time I try to talk!” 

Chan nodded, sighing heavily, “I don’t know what to do about that. Every time I try to talk to her she clams up and gets quiet. It’s like she's scared of us for some reason and it just makes me feel guilty. I think it wouldn't bother me as much if she didn’t when I stay too long trying to talk to her. She makes it so obvious she doesn't want to be around me and I hate it! I don’t think I’ve seen her fully relaxed around any of us and I can’t help! It drives me crazy because she’s supposed to be my responsibility but she won’t let me be there for her!” The man's voice broke slightly at the end and he buried his hands in his hair, pulling at it lightly. 

Felix quickly detangled the leader's hands from his hair, instead holding them and giving them a tight squeeze.“It's ok Channie, if she chooses not to open up to you that's on her. You can’t carry that. She’s a sad, angry woman inside if that's how she chooses to respond to your attempts at caring for her.” 

A scoff sounded from the other side of the table as Seungmin rolled his eyes. He’d been silent during the discussion- silently stewing on the others words. Jeongin reached over and gave his wrist a light squeeze before pushing away his untouched breakfast, appetite gone. 

“Look I get where some of this is coming from, but this isn't fair to her. She should be here to explain why all of these things are and us sitting here talking about it behind her back isn’t helping- nor are the mean words Hyung.” He aimed the last statement at Felix. “I don’t know why she acts the way she does around everyone, but calling her a sad angry woman isn’t fair to her. Like Han said we really don’t know all that much about her- she could have her own personal reasons. It sounded like she had a rough childhood yesterday just from talking about it during the interview, so there could be reasons there. We just can’t say stuff like that without real reason too yet.” 

The room fell silent as Han’s head whipped around to face the youngest. “Without real reason? She’s making us miserable Jeongin! Did you not hear how she’s making us feel? My anxiety is spiking again because of her and I was just getting better again! She’s a sloppy dancer, hasn’t even sung with us yet, isn’t putting in the effort she needs to, and she’s stressing us out. We have fair enough reason to call her angry and sad, childhood be damned. Just because someone had it rough as a kid doesn't give them the right to take it out on others. We don't like her and I for one want her out!” The man finally exploded, hands thrown up in the air as he leaned back in his chair. 

Seungmin stood abruptly, a cold snarl on his face- finally reaching his limit. “I’m not listening to this anymore, I’m going to take a walk.” 

The man was out of the door before the rest of the group could process what happened and Jeongin only sighed, “I’ll go after him, if you want to keep sitting here and bashing someone who's not here to defend herself then fine but I won’t be a part of it.” 

The members all watched as the door slammed shut, the two youngest men leaving the dorm with finality.

Seol-A took that as her cue to retreat back to her room from her hiding spot in the hallway.

Where she’d been since the conversation had started. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seol-A didn’t know why she felt so hurt from the distance that had brigged between her and the boys. She knew it was going to happen, she’d heard their conversation. It’d only been two days and she could feel the difference. She was left alone during breaks, even Seungmin and Jeongin who she’d thought would continue to talk to her had distanced themselves significantly. Seungmin no longer came over to poke at her shoulder, Jeongin no longer initiated conversation, and neither responded much when she tried to talk. 

The girl frowned once again as she looked over at the boys, it was the day of their comeback, the album had hit air at 12 that morning- as had her bubble profile which she had quickly uploaded a few greetings to stay on. They were at the Music Bank to perform for the first time with the new music and all Seol-A could feel was dread. This was supposed to be an amazing thing for her. She was supposed to be excited, she was finally making her dream a reality. 

Yet here she was, staff and stylists running around her, touching up her makeup, setting her hair, adjusting her wardrobe, and she just wanted to go home. She wanted to curl up into a ball and cry because she knew her group didn’t really want her there. That she was infringing on their success. 

If there was one thing that Seol-A despised it was people who profited off of others hard work and not their own, and yet here she was doing just that. You’ve put in just as much work as they have. A little voice in the back of her mind hissed, they don’t get to make you feel like you haven’t worked. You’ve practically lived in the four walls of a practice room for the past month and a half.

But she didn’t make the music, she didn’t build the fanbase, and she wasn’t part of the group. They didn’t want her to be part of the group, they didn’t want her to make them anxious, angry, sad, and scared. She didn’t deserve to go on stage with these wonderful people. 

The girl sent one last longing look over to the boys before straightening. She wouldn’t fail them, even if it meant she injured her still throbbing foot, even if it meant she flashed the audience, it didn’t matter. 

She could not fail them, the thought echoed firmly in her head as she put in her in ears, noting that she had not been invited into the circle where Chan was conducting a pep talk for the members. She turned slightly, wanting to give them privacy- knowing that if her leader had wanted her in the circle he would have made sure to at least leave a gap.

There was no gap, and the girl with white hair knew her place. 

She wouldn't intrude. 

So instead she leaned down to tighten the straps on her heels once more, making sure she could give herself all of the ankle support possible. She was certain she’d at least sprained it the night of the argument- but she couldn’t bring it up. Not after hearing how the boys felt that she wasn’t pulling her weight. 

Ever since hearing that conversation she’d done everything she could to push down her anxiety and try to converse with the boys- but it seemed her timing was too little too late because the boys didn’t seem to want anything to do with her. 

When she stood back up she started stretching, trying to loosen her too tight muscles. Terror at the prospect of being in front of the audience outside had caused her limbs to lock- and she couldn’t risk injuring herself further than she already was. She observed the kids in the group, watching as all of them leaned into each other, feeding off the excitement they found in their partners and making it their own. 

For a brief moment she wondered if she would ever have that relationship with them. If they would ever consider her one of their own, and not a ninth wheel- never needed and hardly used. 

The isolation reminded her of how she’d felt long ago, with another man, and she quickly shook all thoughts from her head. She couldn't afford to have her head somewhere else for this, she needed to be on top of herself and she couldn’t do that with her brain lost in a minefield of glass and memories. 

So she pulled herself back up, and made her way to the group when they had dispersed from their little circle, standing next to Seungmin- who she still felt the safest with. She said nothing, and he said nothing back, yet when she lightly pressed her arm to his he didn’t shy away. 

And thats how they entered the venue, side by side, greeting fans with large smiles. Seol-A pretended not to hear the booing when she walked out with seungmin, instead just waving at the crowd. Her eyes searched desperately for any fan, one, who didn’t look like they hated her.

And to her surprise she found not one, but 14. Her face broke into a pure grin as she gazed at her tight knit group of friends surrounding her parents and brothers, each holding little signs with a jaguar on it- the animal they’d chosen to represent her as. She blew them kisses subtly, making her way to her starting position and letting her face fall seriously.

She would perform this well. 

And, much to her surprise, she did. The moves that she’d hammered into her body stuck, and she felt the anxiety gripping her chest loosen its hold as she continued to hit each move; sharp, precise, and powerful. She felt her face fall in line with the music, tongue tracing the line of her teeth as she danced. 

Her eyes stayed nearly fixed on her group of friends, reminding herself that she had people in the audience- no matter how alone she felt in the group she had people. She wasn’t alone and wouldn’t be, ever. 

The group ended the song, everyone breathing heavily as the camera flicked first to Seungmin, then to Chan, then landing on Felix where it was supposed to end, but right as the camera was set to shut off it was moved to catch directly on Seol-A, who looked up at it in surprise, glancing to see her face up on the screen, before winking at it and blowing a kiss, a lazy smirk on her face.

Internally though she was panicking, why would they show me at the end? This isn’t my performance! This should be about the boys! The camera shut off with a click and the others began waving to stay, making their way closer to the edge of the stage to say hi before we had to get changed out. Seol-A took the opportunity and made her way right over to where her family was. She made her way to the edge of the stage, ignoring the angry Stay yelling curses at her as she waved to her family. 

“Eomma! Appa! Guys! What are you all doing here!” She shouted over the sound of the crowd, accidentally catching Chan’s attention as he was waving to stay near her. The elder man made his way to where Seol-A had squatted down.

The man placed a hand on her head, also crouching down to wave at her family, bowing slightly to them.

“Hey! It’s good to meet you all!” He called out and the girl felt herself die a little on the  inside- this was one of the worst times for him to be meeting her parents.

The two looked at each other before her mom looked back, eyeing Chan with annoyance as her father chided her, she sighed as she dropped her head slightly- now wishing that she had waited to tell her parents and friends what she had overheard. 

“Don’t mind her.” She whispered to him softly, “Ma’s very protective of me and my peace. I don’t have a great history with men in my life- I always tend to go for the ones that treat me horribly, so nowadays they tend to scare me at times. They hate the idea of their precious baby girl being scared in the dorms and they’re worried that you boys aren’t being good to me.” The girl half lied, omitting that they were worried she wasn’t being treated well because she told them the conversation she’d overheard. “They’ll come around eventually, you all haven’t done anything wrong.” 

She then stood, placing her hand on top of Chan’s head and ruffling his hair slightly, blowing her family a kiss before drifting to a different section of stay where she’d thought she’d seen a sign with a jaguar on it.

When she found the sign again and moved to wave it she realized the jaguar had a vibrant red X through it, and written in large hangul was “Kill the Cat”.

The girl put her hand down. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile Chan stayed squatted for a moment, the phantom touch of the youngest member's hand in his hair. Her words rang loud in his head. Men tended to scare her at times, she wasn’t comfortable around them. Her parents were worried she wasn't being treated well. 

You all haven't done anything wrong, she’d said. And deep down Chan knew that just wasn’t true. They had done things wrong, many things wrong. They hadn’t asked her what she was comfortable with, they’d just decided to try and treat her like they’d treat the others and wait for her to adjust. When that didn’t work they had an entire conversation about how they didn’t want her in the group without her there to defend herself. They’d ignored her for the past two days. He had asked her not to be given a mic for this performance, so she could’t adlib during it. He hadn’t included them in their warmups, or in their pre show circle despite her being a part of the group. 

And she’d been respectful about it! She hadn’t tried to push her way in, she hadn’t said anything, she just bent over to tighten the heels she'd been forced into and squared her shoulders. There was no way she didn’t know she was walking into a performance with an audience who hated her, he’d seen her reading the waves of hate comments that were left on her bubble when she posted. 

He regretted not at least checking in on her a little. He was supposed to be her leader, even if she was hard to understand or talk to. It was his job to support her and he hadn’t been doing that at all. Even her family seemed to know that, despite the girl's assurance that they’d get over it. 

Not to mention she’d done so well during the performance! She was captivating to watch, every time he’d looked up and she was on the screen her dance was near flawless, expressions on point and movements powerful. He’d been proud when he watched her, glad he had chosen her to be their ninth member, despite the issues they were having. 

The man stood with a groan, smiling and waving to the screaming Stay trying to get his attention. Yet in reality he was in his mind, analyzing every conversation he’d ever had with the girl. Had her looks been judging or scared? He didn’t know- he’d never bothered to learn what she looked like when she was feeling those emotions. Had he really been scaring her all of this time? Had they all been? Then why did she get so comfortable with the youngest two?

His mind continued spinning as he watched each of his members start off stage, Seol-A leaving first. He watched her walk with a heavy heart before noticing something odd. She was…limping? No, not quite limping, but most definitely favoring her left side when she walked, which was strange. She didn’t normally walk like that and she hadn’t mentioned an injury at all. Hell the man wasn’t sure where she could have even gotten injured- the girl hadn’t been doing much without the others in the past few days. 

He continued to fixate on the change as he smiled and waved to stays, making his way off the stairs to the stage. As he made his way onto the floor a realization hit him like a truck. When they were filming the dance practice of Chk Chk Boom she’d been fine, a little stumbly in the heels she’d been given, and her leg had been hyperflexed for most of it which he’d found weird, but still dancing normally. 

Then the argument with Minho had happened and the girl had taken a nasty fall backward. At the time he’d assumed she was just tired and lost balance, but thinking back on it he realized her shoe had snapped. 

Had she rolled her ankle when she fell? Was she still in pain from that fall? 

He cursed himself internally as he jogged slightly to catch up to her, if her leg was injured he needed to know now. They couldn’t have another issue like when Felix had injured his back, and she’d just debuted with the group- it was much too early for her to have a hiatus due to medical leave. 

Guilt gnawed at his stomach as he fell in pace with her, and sure enough when he looked down her right ankle was swollen and red, barely noticeable from afar but clear from the way her heel straps dug into the skin. 

She looked down at him, nearly a head taller in the heels, and then followed his gaze down to her ankle. She looked back up with a slightly startled expression before picking up her pacing and slipping into her changing room.

Chan let out a curse, so he was right. She was injured and hiding it from him. He let out a soft groan as he carded a hand through his hair. 

What was he supposed to do with her?

Chapter Text

The next two performances went as well as the first, her dancing was near flawless, facials were on point, and she walked off stage feeling proud. Especially since she’d taken to wrapping her foot to help minimize the pain. 

Yet it did nothing to bridge the icy gap that had formed between her and the group, having solidified after they went out to dinner after the first performance- and she stayed in her room instead of going. To be fair when Seungmin told her they were going out the glares from the others had been obvious, and she knew exactly where they wanted her when Han had said it was a family tradition. 

She wasn’t part of the family, so why would she be invited?

So instead she stayed home, reading and painting, and she did so the next night, and the next. The others hadn’t mentioned their going out after the first day and Seol-A didn’t ask. Instead she retreated further into her own cocoon, ignoring the world as she lay in a messy bed of self pity, guilt, and remorse. 

Maybe she should have just pushed herself out of her comfort zone, made friends with the members and tried to talk to them more. She had thought she was doing well, slowly opening up to them. But it wasn’t fast enough- obviously. Maybe if she had just shoved away the fear they’d have liked her more, she should have just opened up as soon as she moved in- then maybe they wouldn't dislike the change she brought along with her. 

She was laying in her bed, her normal self destructive mantra playing over and over in her head as she tried to sleep with no avail. She needed to get out, out of her room, out of their apartment, away from the boys who had just recently gotten home- their laughter filling the hallways. A constant reminder of what she could have been part of if she’d just put in some more damn effort into opening up. 

She stood, sighing lightly before opening her friends group chat, of which had been blowing up since all were in the city still- wanting to go out one time before they had to go home. Her fingers danced across her screen, 

Frat boy at heart:

Ok, when is our favorite brazilian going to respond

Ya boy is ready to host but she still isn’t opening her phone

Apple Juice is the only reason I live:

Ezekiel 

Chill out 

You know she lurks, you’ll scare her off 

Gay or European?:

Ya Ezekiel

You’ll scare away the baby 

What is sleep? I don’t sleep.

I’m literally older than you Bora 

What do you mean baby. 

And your favorite brazilian is down to hang whenever, she needs a distraction 

RAHHHHHHH MURICAAAAAA: 

Ayyyyyyy she’s alive! 

Oni-Channnnnnnn, Senpaiiiiiiiiii:

You need a ride S? I have to swing by the market to grab us some snacks anyway

I could grab you

What is sleep? I don’t sleep:

Yeah that’d be great Himari 

I’ll be ready when you get here

RAHHHHHHH MURICAAAAAA: 

Ooooh, bring one of your hotties with you

Let's set you up 

What is sleep? I don’t sleep:

Ashlyn if you don’t shut your mouth I'll shut it for you

Seol-A rolled her eyes at the last message, tossing her phone to the side as she opened her closet. The girl reached in, grabbing a pair of oversized black jeans, distressed and ripped. She slid them on after pulling on a layer of black fishnets Ashlyn had gotten her as a joke and yet she reached for more often than not. She paused as she looked at her shirt options. She pondered for a moment as she thumbed through the fabrics, it wasn’t particularly cold out- and she’d probably be too warm in any of her normal shirts. The girl finally landed on a black, loose cropped crochet top that Himari had made her. She pulled it out, pulling it over her bra- glad to have air movement against her skin. 

Once the girl was happy with her base she turned to the accessory part of her wardrobe, most of it purchased from estate sales and thrift shops. The girl grabbed an unnecessary amount of her golden waist chains, layering them along her exposed midriff. She then pulled out a couple of gold necklaces to match, smiling happily at the way the gold shone against her skin. She then put on a couple of bangles, each a matching gold, and then popped in large gold hoops. 

She giggled slightly at the look, the way from her waist up she seemed covered in gold, she was always somewhat of a maximalist in her outfits, and this was scratching her internal desire to always be covered in gold. The girl nodded to herself, pulling out a pair of sleek black sunglasses and placing them on top of her head. Her eyes caught her jewelry drawer once again and she internally debated if she should put on some rings. 

Seol-A shrugged as she picked up the small gold circles. If she was going to act like a magpie, collecting a plethora of shiny metal on her body, she might as well go full out. 

The girl grabbed a fun bandana she’d gotten from Brazil, tying it around her head to give herself a pop of color before sliding in front of her mirror.

The girl let out a contented hum, checking the outfit in a full 360 before nodding in appreciation, deeming herself properly decked out. She grabbed her bomber jacket, in case she got cold, and her bag. 

The girl then stalked out of her room, checking the hallway as if leaving the cavern she’d locked herself in was somehow illegal, before scurrying to the bathroom, closing the door as quietly as she could. She laughed lightly to herself, sneaking around like there was something illegal about wanting to meet up with friends. 

The girl pulled out her makeup bag, opening the bottle of what had to be expired concealer. She’d had it for years now, but it still worked. She applied a generous amount to her under eyes, trying to hide the deep set circles showing how tired she was. 

Once it had been applied where it was needed she let the product sit, moving onto her contour- one from fenty beauty that actually had the shade she needed. Ashlyn had gotten it for her when the older girl realized Seol-A had been contouring with black eyeshadow. The girl applied it sparingly, intending to make the contour last as long as she could. 

The girl smiled to herself as she added further shadow to her already strong facial shadows, hollow and striking features becoming more and more prominent. The girl added a small bit of purple cream blush to the highs of her cheekbones, blending it out to create a natural flush. 

She then grabbed her black eyeliner, tracing both her lips and her bottom lashline. She then smudged both out, creating a heavy smokey eye and a nice ombre on her lips. She then grabbed her dying mascara, furiously swirling the wand around the inside of the tube before pulling it out and placing it on her lashes. 

Seol-A paused and looked at herself once more before grabbing the blush she’d used on her cheeks and dabbing it on and blending it out. She smiled to herself as she then blended out the concealer she’d left, glad that it covered most of the dark circles that were obvious on her face. 

The girl's hair was in its naturally wavy, curly form- and she didn’t feel the need to change it. Simply separating some of the curls that had formed due to her wash day the morning before and scrunching with damp hands. 

The girl observed herself once more, smiling in satisfaction with her look before putting away her makeup and flicking off the bathroom light, making her way out to the living room where she was certain she’d be alone. 

However that certainty seemed to be false as she stepped out into the shared space to see the boys all sprawled on the couch, and as they stared at her with wide eyes she got the feeling she’d walked in on something she wasn’t supposed to see.

All of the boys lay together, pretzel style with entangled arms, staring back at her from their spot on the couch. Chan had been peppering Felix’s face with kisses, Minho gently playing with Han's hair as the younger looked up at him like he’d hung the moon in the sky. Jeongin was being held close by Hyunjin- surprisingly not arguing at the proximity, and Seungmin was poking Changbin’s cheek over and over as the older looked at him with fond annoyance. 

Their actions all stopped immediately as they realized she was in the room, but she had seen it. A pang shot through her heart as a sense of jealousy filled her. I want that, I want to be that close to them, to be loved. A small part of her mind cried and she shoved it into a box as quickly as it surfaced. She didn’t deserve to be loved like that. Love wasn’t meant for her, she’d learned that, and she needed to get over herself. 

She smiled softly at the boys, eyes flicking to the TV, watching in amusement as Moana kept playing. Of course it was disney, because the scene in front of me couldn't be any cuter could it. The little voice in her mind whispered, and she once again violently shut it up. Her eyes locked with Seungmin for a second, flicking between him and Jeongin a couple of times, and she tried her best to ignore the feeling of jealousy pushing further at her gut. She needed to let it go and chill out. Seriously.

“Do you all mind if I go out for a little? I’ll be home at a reasonable time, but my friends who came to watch our shows all have to go back home soon and I’d like to see them.” The girl asked quietly, making eye contact with a still startled Chan. The man simply nodded, eyes wide, and Seol-A took that as her que to scamper out of the living room, and out the door. 

At least they didn’t question her much. 

When the girl got into the car waiting outside of the building she felt the anxiety and stress that seemed to sit permanently on her shoulders slide off. She practically threw herself over the side of the car, kissing Himari’s cheeks in excitement as the other girl laughed and squirmed in her grasp. 

“Its good to see you too Seol-A! Now let me go!” The black haired girl whined, trying to shove her friend off of her. 

Seol-A pulled back with a grin, observing the black lip liner marks left on her best friend's face and laughing. The girl just smiled back at her, fondness and elation clear in her eyes. 

“Hey! Don’t leave me out you skank!” A voice yelled from the back seat and the white haired girl whipped her head around in excitement, making eye contact with the redhead in the back seat. 

“Ashlyn!” Seol-A cried out in excitement, practically climbing over the center console to throw herself into the back seat, pulling the American into her arms and greeting her with easily reciprocated kisses. Himari laughed at the sight, watching the two more touchy friends hug each other in excitement. 

“Alright buckle up Estela,” Himari spoke, and Seol-A smiled as she heard the name she hadn’t been addressed by since her last trip to brazil. The feeling of nostalgia and longing that welled up in her after hearing that name nearly made her tear up, smiling with watery eyes at the girls. She quickly buckled her seatbelt before being handed the phone, as per tradition when she was in the car. The girl smiled, putting her music on shuffle before rolling down her window. 

Oh how she’d missed this, the past few months, years even, had been so busy. She hadn’t seen her best friends in person for over a year, and she needed this time. To not worry about how she was being perceived and just be in the presence of those she knew loved her and would be with her. She smiled as she looked over to Ashlyn, who was screaming in portuguese along to the song playing. Himari was singing along as well- though the girl driving was actually singing and not hollering like the redhead in the back. 

Seol-A felt her heart fill more than she believed was possible, and she too joined in singing, the three making a ruckus with the windows down all the way to Himari and Ashylns shared apartment.  

When she got there she got out of the car, only to be tackled by the others in the tight knit group she’d formed back in Daegu. There were 12 in the group, all of the kids who had lived in the 25 story apartment building they’d all been raised in. Her brothers stood back, waiting for her to greet the others before she pounced on them, peppering kisses over their faces in greeting and pulling them into big hugs. 

She grinned happily as she was surrounded by the group, her muscles relaxing and her body finally feeling less heavy. 

She finally felt at home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To say Minho was surprised to be receiving a call from Seol-A when the clock hit 11 was an understatement. It was obvious that there was still unresolved tension between the two since their fight a week ago. He ignored her presence and she didn’t try to make conversation with him. In fact she’d stopped trying to make conversation with any of them really, even distancing from Seungmin and Jeongin when they’d stopped initiating. It ticked him off, and he felt just proved the points they’d brought up in the meeting they’d had the morning after the argument. She wasn’t willing to try and reach out when others didn’t talk first and she wasn’t willing to put in the effort to become part of the group. 

So imagine the shock that flooded through his body when the contact he’d saved during their first interaction months ago popped up on his screen for the first time. The man hesitated, unsure if he really wanted to answer. But he knew she was out with friends and wouldn’t probably be calling unless it was important. So the man hesitantly answered the phone, bringing it up to his ear. 

“Hello? Seol-A?” The man asked, confusion and slight irritation clear in his voice, yet the voice that answered was not in fact the voice of his new band member.

“Hi!” The voice answered, loud over the large amount of outside noise behind it, from what Minho could hear it sounded as if Shakira was being scream sang in the background, along with cheering, whooping and hollering. “So sorry to bother you, but none of your band mates are picking up. This is Himari, one of Estela’s friends? Ah, no sorry, you guys call her Seol-A. Our girl is a little tipsy, and none of us are sober enough to drive her back to your apartment. We’d normally just have her go in an uber- but she loses all concept of personal space when she’s tipsy and last time she ended up kissing the uber in greeting. Needless to say we try to drive her back to wherever she’s staying now. I was wondering if one of you could drive her back today? So sorry, I know it’s kind of out of the blue. She wasn’t even planning to drink tonight, but then Ezekiel and Rosalina dared her and it became a whole thing.” 

The voice on the other end of the phone sounded exasperated as she spoke, leaving  Minho to blink at the onslaught of information given. He didn’t really want to go get the girl, but he knew full well that after their cuddle session earlier 3racha went to the studio to start working on music for Giant, the two youngest had snuck off to someone's room to watch more movies and sleep, hyunjin was painting and felix was gaming. No one else was currently unoccupied. 

The man felt annoyance and resentment grow firm in his chest as he sighed, “Yeah fine, I can come pick her up. Send me the address.” He grumbled as he made his way to the door, sliding on his shoes and grabbing his keys before checking that his wallet was in his pocket. 

He spent the ride there stewing in irritation, why should he have to use his free night to go babysit their new youngest. This shouldn’t be his job, it shouldn’t be anyone's job. She’s a grown woman and should be able to handle herself. The car was silent as he fumed to himself, resentment reaching its peak as he pulled into the driveway of an apartment complex and made his way to the address given. 

When he reached the door he knocked on it, face already pulled into a frown as it opened. 

What he wasn’t expecting to see was the face of a very excited Seol-A, obviously more than a little tipsy, a wide grin pulled onto her face. 

“Minho!” The girl then did something that made his head spin, she leaned up, kissing both of his cheeks, before tugging on his arm and dragging him into the apartment. “Perfect timing! Come dance with me!” The girl continued to pull on his arm, taking advantage of his shocked stupor. He found himself being led into the living room of the apartment, surprised by the large gathering of people. His eyes flew around, trying to take in the setting as the music blaring from the speaker was screamed along to. His mind registered that it was a foreign language, not korean, but he wasn’t aware enough to actually bother trying to place where the music was from. 

“Hey everyone! This is Minho! He’s the one that hates my guts but its ok because hes pretty. I’m gonna make him dance with me.” Seol-A proudly announced, causing the room to fall silent. Minho felt his hackles raise as the others in the room all turned to glare at him, each looking at him with a level of contempt he was confused with. The only semi-kind face was that of a woman who came over to them with an amused and exasperated look on her face. 

“Estela, honey, you gotta go home. No more dancing for you tonight.” Minho recognized the voice, Himari, if he remembered correctly from the call. She gave the man a knowing look and gently took Seol-A’s arm off of his wrist and let the girl latch onto her. The Japanese woman then made eye contact with him, “I’ll help get her to your car. Thank you for coming to pick her up, we would have just let her stay, but she insisted it would cause you all to worry and she said she didn’t want to make more issues.” 

The sentence caused Minho's eyes to furrow. More problems? So was Seol-A aware that she was causing issues for the group? If so then why wasn’t she trying to fix them? The anger he’d felt on the ride there bubbled back up to the surface even stronger than it had during the drive there. The man simply nodded before turning and walking right back out of the room, scowling at the others who glared at them. 

Who were they anyway? Seol-A was just here, with a huge group of people that none of the boys knew, and she seemed super close with all of them for no reason. He assumed she’d known them from her childhood but even then they shouldn’t have been as tight knit as they seemed now. 

When the group of three finally reached Minho’s car, Himari gently helped Seol-A into the passenger seat, buckling up the girl. The white haired girl seemed desperate for the other not to leave, tearing up when Himari finally made her way back into the apartment complex. 

Minho said nothing for a good portion of the drive, glancing over once and awhile to see a small but steady trickle of tears falling from the girl's eyes. Each time he looked over the more he could see that her tipsiness was fading and she was coming back to herself. She looked pitiful, and if Minho were not angry at her at that moment he probably would have felt bad. She looked miserable, like she wanted to be anywhere else then in the car, going back to the shared apartment they now lived in. 

The look only added fuel to the fire burning in his chest and he simply couldn’t keep quiet anymore. “Stop looking like you hate your situation right now.” he chided, tongue sharp as a whip. “You’re going back to the apartment of a band you had the privilege of joining and look like you’d rather be anywhere else in the world. It’s rude, I get it. You may not like us, but you openly showing it pisses me off.” 

The girl simply looked to the side, shrinking into herself as she gazed out the window, and it did nothing to quell the anger in Minho’s gut. 

The rest of the car ride was quiet.

When they finally pulled back up to the apartment building is when Seol-A finally spoke again. “I’m sorry it seemed like I wasn’t grateful to be coming back to the apartment, it wasn’t my intent. I’ll do better for all of you, practice more, try to connect with you all more, whatever it takes to keep you all from kicking me out. I know it’s my fault and I’ll do my best to fix it.” She spoke, unaware that in her tired, hazy, and emotionally heavy state she was responding to more issues, and a possible future, than Minho had voiced to her directly. The man looked at her, confusion set into his brow. How did she know about them wanting her out of the group? That they wern’t happy with how little she’d communicated with them. 

“How did you….” His voice trailed off as realization seemed to set into his bones. Panic flooded his body as it clicked. 

Seol-A seemed to realize she’d said too much, quickly exiting the car and scampering into the building as Minho stared into space. 

She’d heard. His mind repeated in a mantera as he gazed at where she’d left. She’d heard their entire conversation about her when she wasn’t there. He’d spoken first, and she knew what he was angry about, so she’d heard the whole thing. Panic filled his body. Had she heard Felix say she was a sad angry woman? Had she heard Han say he wanted her gone? 

He felt the reality of what they had said that day crash onto him, they’d all thought she was still sleeping or that she was out. They were so sure that she wouldn’t hear them, yet she had. 

No wonder she wasn’t trying to talk to any of them, she probably thought they hated her guts. 

“Shit.” Minho spoke to himself as he grabbed his phone, clicking the dial button on Chan’s contact. 

How were they supposed to fix this? 

Chapter Text

Seol-A knew she needed to have a conversation with the boys. She really did. The boys knew it too, it was apparent by the way Chan tried his best to find her after practices but she always slid away. How Seungmin and Jeongin started coming to her room at night again, and unlike reading as they had been before they tried to talk to her more, hinting at the conversation they’d held without her. How Changbin started trying to get her to come work out with him again, and when she did he tried even harder than before to create conversation with her, and how Han started joining them just so he could try to talk to her. How Hyunjin started inviting her to dance with him during downtime, and how Felix delivered her an obscene amount of brownies just so he could sit and talk with her while she ate one, all trying to get a read on how she felt after learning that she had heard their early morning discussion. 

Even Minho, of whom she was certain hated her, did his best to try and find her during practices, handing her water silently and sitting next to her, or on top of her, during their breaks, even when he knew there were a plethora of other spots open. 

She knew they needed to talk, she really did. But she really didn’t want to, and so despite her obvious need too, she still hadn’t. Which is what led to her current predicament. She was getting ready for her second interview with the group and this one was scheduled to be much longer than the previous. They were going to a stream with Idol human theater for food and entertainment, then being asked interview questions after it. 

The girl stood there, sighing slightly as Jun (her now permanent stylist as she was the only in the company who had training to do the hair and makeup of an afro-brazilian) touched up the full and bouncy curls in her hair. She didn’t have heavy makeup on today, glad for the chance to go nearly bare face- as she was more used to it. The girl fiddled with her outfit, a pair of long, oversized jean shorts and a deep red tube top. She wore a silver chain around her waist and the pants were held up by a black and silver belt. She actually liked the outfit this time, feeling rather comfortable as everyone prepared to film the beginning scene. She glanced over to watch Changbin curl the watermelon he was carrying, pretending that he found it heavy as he laughed with the boys. 

The girl just sighed lightly, parting her lips and letting Jun apply a soft mauve on her lips. Her stylist gave her a knowing look, at this point even the staff had noticed how much she seemed to detach from the group. For some strange reason Jun chose to take her side in the whole fiasco, and the two had become close friends. 

Seol-a smiled at the older woman, shimmying her shoulders slightly as the earbud in her ear started playing Bongos, watching as Jun’s face lit up in embarrassed amusement. Her makeup artist had the other earbud in her ear, so she could hear the music the younger began to dance to. 

After seeing how the older started laughing at her antics Seol-A stepped the movements up, enjoying watching the girl she had started to view as an older sister finding amusement in her movements. The idol smiled at her friend, letting her hips begin to also follow the beat, isolating her movements as she began to shimmy around the older woman. Her body hit the movements seamlessly as she circled around her makeup artist, a smile pulling over her face as she finally made her look before gently taking the brushes out of the woman's hands and placing them down on the table where the foundation was sitting. She then took the woman's hands in hers and began to lead her in a small dance. 

“Seol-A!” Jun laughed, confused as to what was happening, and grabbing the boys attention in the same moment. 

“No no no you got it, just bend your knees a little,” Seol-A encouraged as she led the woman to mirror her movements. “Hip, hip, hip, hip, rolllllll.” The girl spoke as she signaled to the makeup artist to follow her lead. “No no no, use your chest when you roll. You’ve got one for a reason, use it.” She laughed softly, hiding as the older woman yanked her hands away with a flustered gasp and whacked her arm. 

“Seol-A!” The woman cried with an amused and exasperated tone. The youngest ducked her head in laughter, hiding from the scolding she was getting from the older woman. 

“What? I’m being good! This is abuse, child abuse!” The girl wailed dramatically as she looked at the older woman, “How dare you eonni.” 

The older woman simply rolled her eyes and gently slapped the back of her neck, “Oh hush, you’re such a problem child.” The problem child in question simply stuck her tongue out, smiling as she once again stood still and looked down so the woman could continue on her makeup.

“Yah!” A voice yelled and Seol-A turned her head slightly to see a wide eye’d Minho looking at her, “Since when could you dance like that?” 

“Uhhhh, since I grew up part time in brazil? Obviously not everyone there dances like that, and that wasn’t samba which is what I specifically was taught. But I went to beach parties with a ton of teens, I picked up on how to move.” The girl answered, confused by the question. 

“Why don’t you dance with that range of movement when you do our choreography?” The man asked, a confused and slightly irritated look on his face. Seol-a looked at him like a deer caught in the headlights. 

“JYP told me I couldn't? He said it was too provocative.” She spoke, confused as she looked at the staff. She thought that it was common knowledge. She supposed the boys might not actually know, since they had been on tour when it had happened, but JYP had told her in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t to dance like she would back home. It was a very public, very humiliating experience for the girl and the word had traveled like wildfire through the company. 

“That's bullshit, dance like you are now when you do our choreography. We all have our own styles and add our own flare to our dance moves.” He responded, glancing at the other boys, “You look good dancing like that because that’s what you’ve grown up doing- why change something that doesn't need to be changed. Now let's go, we're about to film the intro.” 

The older man then easily made his way forward to where they were supposed to walk out of the forest towards the stream and Seol-A turned to her stylist with a surprised face. Jun just gave her a shrug, motioning for her to take out her earbud as she pulled out the wireless case for the buds. 

The girl took out her earbud and placed it in the case before scampering to fall in line with the other boys, walking out with them in a group, Chanbgin still happily carrying the watermelon as hyunjin joked the group had brought two. Seol-A felt herself smile slightly, an unstoppable feeling of fondness washing over her as she watched them interact. 

She had been stay, before this whole fiasco, something she’d rather die than admit to any of them, and watching them all interact while she observed made her happy. Seeing them happy made her heart happy, even if her mind scolded her for it. 

When they finally got into the shelter where they would be eating the white haired girl found herself at the very end of the table, sat next to a rather hyper Changbin and Hunjin, each excited at the prospect of eating and spending time with the others. The girl stayed quiet for a lot of the initial conversation being recorded, simply watching as the others interacted with each other, slowly sipping on her water. 

She watched in amusement as the group bickered over whether the chicken or the egg came first (it was the chicken, obviously) as she slowly ate, the fond smile that had made its way to her face earlier becoming permanent as they debated over the silliest things. 

Then Changbin asked a question she was not prepared for, “Is there one or two buttox.” 

The girl nearly spit out her water as she looked at the staff wide eyed, were they even allowed to have this discussion? She sat there in shock as the boys roared in laughter around her, Chan pointing at the tank of a man and proudly stating how good of a question it was. 

The debate continued for longer than she thought it ever could, each voicing why a butt was two parts or one, and why it was called just a butt if it had two parts. She looked across the table, choking once more as she saw Chan holding his hands up in the air, both cupped slightly around nothing, looking completely lost as he just stared at something that didn’t exist. 

What even was her life? To be stuck in a room with eight incredibly hot men who hated her guts, discussing if a butt was one whole or two separate parts. 

What was even worse is that for some reason, she was pulled into the discussion, Hyunjin turning to face her and demanding to know what she thought. The girl froze, mouth full of tofu as she looked at him with wide eyes. The girl then covered her mouth, giving one more glance to the staff before responding. 

“It’s two, that's how the muscles form.” She spoke, mouth covered. “There are two cheeks, therefore two sides of the butt, left cheek and right cheek. As a whole its addressed as the butt, but the butt consists of two parts.” 

“See! She understands.” Changbin hollered as he pointed at her. “This is why we work out together, she gets me.” The man proudly stated to the camera and Seol-A internally cringed, she really didn’t get the man. But if that's what made him and stay sleep well at night then she’d let it fly. 

“What do you guys think of tattoos?” Han’s voice broke though her thoughts, and the others all smiled between each other as if they were teasing some sort of secret. The girl wasn’t entirely sure what that shared look was about, mostly glad that the attention was once again taken off of her as she went back to eating. 

Until they felt it important to drag her back into the conversation again. 

“Seol-A? What do you think about tattoos, think I’d look sexy with them.” Han asked as he made a silly face and poked his cheek. The girl let out a sharp laugh at the sight, a full smile forming on her face. 

“Oh you’d be the sexiest Hannie, so hot.” The girl responded teasingly before taking another sip of her water. “And I don’t see anything wrong with them. I’ve got some myself.” The girl answered honestly before shoving another piece of meat into her mouth, shimmying slightly in appreciation at the good food. 

When silence greeted her she opened her eyes in confusion, finding eight faces of shock staring back at her, she paused, her chewing slowing as she raised her eyebrows. 

“Uh, something wrong?” 

It was if those words set off an explosion, as all of the boys seemed to react at once, various cries of disbelief and confusion filling the room. 

“I thought trainees can’t have tattoos?” Chan’s voice finally broke through the chatter and Seol-A shrugged.

“We’re not supposed to. But I joined as a trainee with all of them.” The girl explained as she shoved another bite of food in her mouth, covering it as she continued. “JYP himself couldn’t force me to get them lasered off, even if he tried.” 

“But I thought you started as a trainee at 16?” Seungmin spoke next, looking over at the girl in confusion. “You wouldn't have been old enough to get tattoos yet.” The girl nodded as she swallowed.

I originally was actually a trainee at Hybe, I transferred here when I was 19, that's when I met Jeongyeon-eonni. So I was a trainee under Hybe for 3 years and because Jungkook-shii is part of Hybe their tattoo policy is less strict than JYP’s is for trainees. I could have them so long as they weren't on my face, were below my collar, and remained hidden during work hours. I got my first ones in brazil and then got the last three after I was legal age here; so it was ok to get the ones I have.” The girl explained as she gestured vaguely to her body.

“Wait how many do you have, what are they, where?” Han spoke, face lit up as he fired off questions at a rapid pace. 

“Yeah I wanna see them.” Hyunjin chimed in, and the white haired girl felt herself flush slightly, confusion at their eagerness obvious. 

“Uh, I have four? Five?” the girl paused, reaching down to tap the places she had them, one on the top of the foot, one on each hip, one on the sternum, one on her back. “Five. I’ve got five.” She confirmed as she finished her mental checklist. “Two are from brazil, which I got with my Avó, and three I got here in Korea.” She nodded as she took another sip of her water, not missing the bewilderment on the boy's faces. 

“You mean to tell me we’ve known you for like two and a half months and have never once realized you have tattoos?” Chan spoke incredulously, clearly thinking back to the time that he had come in during her fitting, when he most definitely should have noticed the ink adorning her skin. The girl just smiled at him and nodded, shrugging slightly. 

“If y'all don’t believe me you can check my back-” She didn’t get any more words out before the back of her tube top was being pulled back slightly with Hyunjin peeking at her back. The man let out a startled, dramatic gasp and fell backwards. 

“That's so big! How did we not notice it?” He yelped as he stared at her in disbelief. 

“Well its right in the middle of my back so my clothes always cover it, even when I’m wearing a crop top. The company never puts me in backless clothes because of it, and I don’t really go around in bra tops all that often.” The girl shrugged, “You just haven’t had a reason to see it.” 

Content with the way she had startled the boys she went back to enjoying her food, ignoring the way the men were still gaping at her. 

And for a moment she allowed herself to ignore the tension that existed in the air, pretending that this was how it always was.

How she wished it would always be. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seol-A watched as everyone wrote down things they wanted the others to do for the talent show, debating what she wanted to subject the boys too. Finally the thought entered her mind and she couldn't help the small wicked grin that spread over her face. She smiled as she scribbled the words down and dropped it in the box. 

“Only three of us have to do the talent show right?” Seungmin asked the staff, and the staff was quick to strike a deal. 

“Five of you have to.” 

The puppy simply nodded, watching as each side turned and did a game of rock paper scissors to decide who would end up in the talent show. Seol-A felt a wave of disappointment hit her when she realized she herself would be part of the talent show, losing to hyunjin and han. She’d wanted to just sit back and let the boys have the attention during this show, but it seemed she’d once again be taking the spotlight they deserved. 

Still she watched intently as Chan pulled out a piece of paper from the box, opening it and reading it over before looking up with a big laugh and wide eyes. 

“Who wrote this one, I can't recognize the handwriting.” He asked as he looked around the table.

“What's the paper say?” Felix asked as he leaned forward, trying to see Chan from around the others. The oldest man laughed lightly as he re-read the task before speaking. 

“Choose one other member and do the Water challenge with them.” the man spoke, shaking his head slightly. Seol-A raised her hand. 

“That was mine, thought it’d be fun to see.” The girl admitted as she shrugged her shoulders before looking at the cameras and winking. “I know what stay want.” 

“Oh is that so? Then I want you to do it with me.” Chan spoke easily, tone teasing as he grinned at her and the girl felt her face fall.

“Ayyyy wait now, that wasn’t the idea. You gotta choose one of the others.” But her protests fell on deaf ears as he rose, already making his way over to her. 

“Hey, hey no, no go sit down, no.” the girl tried desperately to deter the older, knowing full well it wasn’t going to do anything, she let out a whine as he reached down and gripped onto her arms, pulling her up. “This was a bad decision.” She grumbled to herself as she made her way to the front of the table where Chan was leading her. 

“I don’t know the dance so we’re gonna have to learn it.” the man admitted and the girl shook her head. 

“Correction, you’re going to have to learn it. I already know it so I can teach you. Hope your hips are loose bubs, cause they need to be for this dance.” She sighed with a smile and rolled her eyes, not processing the name that she had just called the older man. “Ok, you want to learn it from a video or just have me teach it.” 

“Teach him!” Han yelled out, beginning a chant with a smile. The girl sighed at the noise, fully expecting the rest to join in. She was right of course, and within seconds all of the boys were clapping and chanting for her to teach him the dance. 

Why did she have to write this as the task. 

The white haired girl shook her head, “Ok ok ill just teach him! But yall gotta be quiet if you want him to be able to learn it.” 

Her words thankfully caused the boys to quiet down and she shook her head, looking back over to Chan. “Ok, so the most important thing is the hip movements, they happen the entire dance, your hips continuously move in a circle as you're dancing to this, if you can let your hips get higher when theyre in the back even better.” The girl spoke as she slowly demonstrated the movement, watching as chan tried to copy it. 

“Ohhh nope baby nuh uh, you can’t lock your knees.” Seol-A spoke, falling back into the habits she’d formed when helping younger trainees, gently coming over and tapping his knees, “You’re gonna look stupid if you keep your legs so stiff, and more importantly you’ll hurt yourself. Don’t try to force it, just let your hips move around in a circle, it’ll feel kind of like a body roll, that forward backward movement in a body roll are the two most important parts of a hip circle.” The girl instructed, watching as he untensed and began to move more freely. 

“Nice ok, so take your seagull arms and you’re gonna kinda fly like a bird, bring your arms up and down like your flapping them, but like make it angelic.” The girl instructed, laughing a little as she demonstrated and watched him clumsily follow after, laughing softly along with the roaring laughter of the boys in the background. “Ok good, next thing is were gonna sweat, so take your arm up and act like we're wiping sweat away from our brow.

“Good, ok next we flick the sweat and jump. Good good, then we put our other foot down and bum bum bum bum bum.” The girl spoke, twerking on the beats she spoke, causing Chan to look at her in horror, and the girl couldn't hold it back anymore as she nearly fell over with laughter.

“You look-” the girl wheezed out, “You look mortified. Are you ok?”

“No!” The man spoke, accent thick, “I can’t, I can’t move my bum like that! How do you even…” the man trailed off, looking so lost and confused, and the this time the girl did fall over, laughter falling from her in earnest as she rolled on the floor. 

“Oh my stars, can’t breathe, lord save me.” She gasped out, looking at his lost face again and breaking into laughter again. She sounded like a tea kettle and she knew it, high pitched breathy, wheezing laughter exiting her body. 

Her laugh only served to cause Changbin to start cackling, pointing at the two of them as he fell back, and soon the set had deteriorated into a mess of body’s on the floor, wheezing from laughter. 

And if the girl had paused in her fit of giggles for a moment she’d have noticed the soft look on Chan’s face as he observed the girl laugh full out for the first time in front of them. He allowed the laughter to go on for some time before finally sighing. 

“Ok ok yes, come on, teach me the rest so we can do this dance.” he spoke, but the smile in his voice was evident as he helped her stand up. Seol-A nodded, still catching her breath from the laughing fit. 

“Ok,” She spoke, a small giggle falling from her lips again, breathing hard. “Ok, so after the twerk, you repeat the angle arms, and the throw, but you throw to the other side before twerking again.” she responded, a wide smile over her face as she demonstrated the last few moves. 

The two went through the movements once more before filming the dance, Seol-A watching as he danced, completely butchering the twerk, and simply shaking his hips awkwardly during the freestyle at the end of the choreography. 

When she made eye contact with him another round of laughter fell from her lips, and she was unable to stop it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sadly she knew that night as soon as they got home she wouldn't be able to run from the boys anymore, or pretend that everything was ok like she had during her set. She still tried, really hard in fact, to run from the boys. Slipping away to her room as soon as they got home, only to find the two youngest already sat on her bed. 

She felt her face fall, the elation she’d felt at avoiding her issues for one more night evaporating in the soft glow of the moon. She sighed as she trudged over to her bed. 

“Let me guess, you two were tasked with dragging me out to the living room to talk with everyone?” 

“Yes, we were.” Jeongin confirmed as he looked up at her, “But first we want to apologize personally for what happened that day.” 

Seol-A felt her eyebrows furrow, “Why would you two need to apologize. You stood up for me? I mean I was there the whole time, I saw you both obviously going against what was happening.” 

“Yes but we should have done more to stop it,” The girl opened her mouth to object but this time Seungmin cut her off. 

“No we should have, we sat there in silence for almost the entire conversation. We both knew it was wrong but didn’t actively stop it right at the start and for that we’re sorry. We also didn’t tell you what happened right away and we should have. You shouldn’t have had to try and keep it a secret that you heard.” The man spoke with conviction, locking eyes with her and staring the girl down in an intensity she wasn’t used to. 

“We uh, we got you a few gifts as an apology.” Jeongin admitted as he rubbed the back of his neck, holding out a bag for her. The girl blinked once, then twice in confusion. 

“You- you really didn’t need to do that boys.” She spoke softly, tears welling up slightly as she took in their genuine faces, making her way towards her bed where the two were sitting. 

“Yeah we know, but we wanted to. Besides, one of the ways we show love around here is gifts- and we’ve kinda been looking for a reason to get you stuff anyway. So if you don’t want to think about this as part of the apology just think of it as us wanting to spoil our new maknae.” Jeongin spoke with a smile, Seungmin gently grabbing her arm and pulling her down onto her bed between them. 

“You assholes are gonna make me cry. I don’t think I’ve ever been just given a gift to get a gift given to me. Definitely not as part of a genuine apology.” She spoke quietly, sniffling slightly as she took the bag that the younger boy was holding out to her eagerly. 

She took it with both hands, bowing to the two from her seated position, moving to set the bag down before getting stopped. 

“We wanna see you open it, you don’t have to wait.” Seungmin spoke with a sheepish smile, and the girl couldn't help but smile back, picking the bag back up and nodding, gently pulling out the tissue paper settled on top. 

Inside lay five items, two plushies, two books, and a box. The girl smiled softly reaching in to pick up the first plush, surprised by its weight. Her heart melted into itself when she realized what it was. A soft, fluffy, weighted fox stuffie was staring back at her, and the smell of Jeongin’s cologne wafted off of it lightly. She smiled as she looked over at the boy, whose cheeks were tinged pink as he looked at the floor in embarrassment. 

Attempting to save the boy from the heat traveling over his face she simply reached down and gave his hand a tight squeeze as a sign of thanks, knowing he would probably only feel more embarrassed if she said anything to her. She placed it on her lap as she reached in to grab the second. She felt that same warmth fill her as she looked at the weighted golden retriever. 

The two had gotten her their Skzoo animals in weighted plushies, and from what she could tell both had sprayed their cologne on the stuffies. 

“We noticed you sleep better when someones there.” Seungmin said softly as he played with his fingers. “After our first interview last week we realized it was probably because you grew up sleeping with all three of your brothers every night- so we thought that for the nights we can’t be in here it might help to have something that has weight to hold onto.” the girl smiled softly, touched by the thought. 

“Thank you Minnie.” she spoke softly as she squeezed his hand, “And thank you Innie, this means a lot to me.” She turned her head to look at the other man, who this time was actually looking at her, face red but nodding nonetheless. 

After situating both stuffies on her lap she reached back in, pulling out the two books. 

“They’re our favorite books.” Jeongin spoke, “Not classics, but they’re also less depressing than the stuff you usually read before bed.” He teased lightly and Seol-A felt her heart swell as she looked at the two books, placing them next to her usual spot on the bed, intending to read them after the long conversation she would have with the others tonight. She then turned back to the bag and grabbed the last item in it. She hummed softly in confusion as she grabbed the box, glancing at the other two and seeing their apprehensive glances. 

She flipped it open to find a simple silver ring, a star gem in the center, with a sun and a moon on each side of it. She looked at it with a smile, tracing over the gems lightly. 

“Thank you, this is beautiful.” She spoke as she looked at the two, and the two smiled back before each reaching into their own pockets, revealing their own rings to match hers. Seungmin’s had a sun in the middle, with a star and moon framing it, and Jeongin’s moon was in the middle. 

“We figured Vocalracha should have our own little thing.” Seungmin spoke with a smile, “Something that the old people don’t get.” 

The girl felt her heart swell as she giggled, putting the ring on her middle finger and watching as the other two did the same, and this time around she couldn’t help the tears that fell out of her eyes. 

“Ah, sorry!” She laughed as she reached up to brush away the tears, “I’ve just… no one ever… I’ve never had someone outside of my family give me gifts like this. I promise I’m only crying because I’m happy.” She spoke, voice shaky as she looked up at the two. The two boys just grinned and looked at each other, before both latched onto her and tackled her to her bed and began tickling her. 

“Ah! Our maknae is such a softy.” Jeongin teased as he poked her sides, Seungmin doing the same and leaving her laughing loud, squealing as she tried to squirm out of their grips. 

When they were finally convinced she’d had enough they let her squirm away, watching as she faltered a little, looking at the door. 

“Seol-A.” The girl turned to see Jeongin smiling at her, Seungmin crossing to stand next to her. “We’ll be there the whole time. Promise.” 

The girl heaved out a sigh before nodding. She wouldn't get out of this, there was no way she could. The sooner she got it done the better anyway. With that thought in her head she let the boys begin to lead her out of her room, but she paused for a moment, glancing back over at her two new plushies. She pulled her arms out of the boys grips and made her way to the two stuffies, grabbing them and turning back around. 

“If I go they’re coming with.” 

Chapter Text

To say Seol-A was dragged into the living room kicking and screaming would have only been a slight overstatement. 

No she was not kicking and screaming like a child, but she was viciously pouting up at the two slightly older men in charge of bringing her out to the living room, dragging her feet as much as physically possible without tripping over herself. 

She wasn’t ready for this, she didn’t know how the boys would even carry out the conversation and anxiety was eating her alive. She felt herself drifting further into Seungmins space, trying to hide behind the shorter man to the best of her abilities when they finally emerged into the living room. 

The others were already in their places, watching the hall the youngests had come out of intently. The stares only served to increase the mounting anxiety filling the girl's veins, shrinking into herself as much as she could as she centered herself behind Seungmin, reaching out to grab Jeongins hand, hoping that the older would let her hold it despite his typical aversion to touch. She felt a swell of joy appear in her chest when he didn’t pull away, not closing his hand around hers but allowing her to grip it as a lifeline. 

“Come sit.” Chan invited warmly, and the girl timidly shuffled over to the far end of the couch, wishing it would swallow her whole as soon as she sat down. 

The group sat in awkward silence, each waiting for the other to begin speaking. The girl wasn’t quite sure what she would even say if she started, so she simply stayed silent- picking at her nails as she pushed herself as far back into the couch as she could get. 

Jeongin and Seungmin sat on either side of her, the youngest sitting on the arm of the couch and the oldest sitting right next to her, pressed against her arm in comfort. She said nothing, but allowed herself to press into the two nodding her head awkwardly as the silence continued to build. 

Finally, and unsurprisingly to Seol-A, Chan was the first to break the silence. 

“I…I don’t really know where to begin. What did you hear?” 

“All of it.” The girl sighed as she looked down, unaware of the way the boys all tensed, looking at each other with obvious guilt “I don’t know why how much I heard matters- the important part is that you said it.” She spoke softly, picking at the fringe on the cuffs of her worn out jeans. 

“Because then we know what we need to address.” Minho spoke calmly, almost detached, gazing off into the distance. The girl observed him, watching the blank slate of a face he presented. She wondered if it was a front, if he did feel bad for saying what he had said, or if he genuinely didn’t care. She was hoping it was the former and not the latter. 

“So if I hadn’t heard all of it you wouldn’t have told me all of the issues you have? You’dve just kept it to yourself?” Seol-A asked in confusion, looking back down to her jeans. 

“Well….yeah?” Hyunjins voice rang through the room. “I mean, it wasn’t detrimental stuff- it just all came out in the wrong way during that conversation.” 

“But it was detrimental stuff. If it made you angry enough to pick me apart behind my back then it must have been a big deal to you all. I can’t make changes to make you all hate me less if you don’t tell me things.” The girl frowned as she began to pick at the fraying on her cuffs. “I know that I have things to work on, I struggle to trust people and it takes me a while to get comfortable with people. I should have been trying harder to connect- but I can’t fix any problems if I wasn’t told about them in the first place.” 

“Oh so it’s our fault you were causing us issues?” Minho asked dryly as he picked up his water, ignoring the sharp looks he got in return. The girl felt herself withdraw slightly at the words, looking over at him with a frown. 

“No. If there are issues it's probably my fault.” Seol-A murmured as she looked down. “I know that I have some problems, I struggle to open up and I have an unfair fear of people I don’t know- I don’t like trying to get to know new people for fear they're going to treat me poorly like people have in the past. But that doesn't excuse you all speaking about me behind my back and calling me a sad, angry woman wouldn't help.” 

The girl finally looked up, seeing Felix look to the side guilty. She sighed as she began picking at her fringe again, the silence filled the room again and the girl wasn’t surprised that no apology for the words was uttered. Instead they all sat stewing before the girl finally stood up.

“The reason I wasn’t going full out during those videos was because they gave me faulty heels with no ankle support, a skirt that hung too long, and a shirt that was too short.” She explained, “I tried to tell the staff but they shooed me away, I tried to tell Minho but he just corrected my choreo and sent me on- I didn’t want to flash my bra on accident because I know how weird people get about that online. The strap on my heel came loose after the first run of Chkk Chkk Boom and I was struggling to maintain balance, which is why my footing was off. After I got chewed out in front of all of the staff in the room I decided to go full out despite knowing that my bra would be visible. During that last run my shoe then broke, meaning I had to dance while also trying to keep that shoe on so we could just finish filming.” She finally explained as she looked to the side. “Which is also why I’ve been limping, because when I once again got yelled at and moved back my ankle got caught in the broken shoe and I rolled it weird.

“As for the practice room situation and how often I practice, you often won’t find me there at the correct times because Seungmin and IN have taken to forcing me to leave to make sure I actually eat after realizing that when I get too focused I just won’t leave.” The girl admitted with a shrug, “I’m out at odd times because they both force me out to take at least fast breaks or lunch before allowing me to continue practicing. As you all could see during our live performances I know the dance. I’m not sloppy, but I always want it to get better, so I always practice.

“I struggle to trust because when I was younger I trusted easily and it ended up with me in some not ideal situations, including an extremely toxic relationship that I got out of about three years ago and am still recovering from. So I’m sorry that it takes more time than normal for me to warm up to people. I’ll work on it. Now if you don’t mind I’m going back to my room, because none of this feels like an apology to me. It shouldn’t matter what I heard or if I was the cause of issues if you were apologizing for talking behind my back. I’ll work on the issues you all brought up during your individual discussion, and if there's more you need me to change I will.” 

The girl finally looked up from her gaze on the floor. “But don’t expect me to be comfortable with you right away, please. I’ll get over this eventually, but I’ll take time.”

Silence filled the room as the boys all processed her words, a heavy oppressive weight pushing on each of their shoulders as the facts started falling into place for them. 

The girl simply sighed, making her way back to the couch and sitting back down in between the boys she’d grown to know so well, letting the silence remain. 

After all she had no more to say. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m sorry.” His voice was small, quiet. Seol-A looked up at him in surprise, and Felix had to look down again. The emotions in his chest were clawing at him, guilt, disgust, self loathing. How had he not realized how hard she was working? He didn’t even start trying to get to know the beautiful woman in front of him until Minho hand told them that she had heard their conversation, and then it was only to try and make the girl less angry at her.

Yet she’d never been mean  to them, never acted rashly or treated them poorly despite the horrible way they had treated her. They didn’t deserve the kindness she was giving and yet she seemed so happy to give it.

He knew the boys felt the same, the guilty looks, the slumped shoulder, the way Minho wouldn't look at anyone, how Hyunjin looked seconds away from crying, the tension in Chris’s shoulder that just screamed that he was beating himself up, how the normally lively Changbin was just sitting quietly, how Han was biting on his lips and picking at the skin around his finger nails. 

The only two that looked ok with the conversation, well as ok as they could be, were the two youngest. The ones that had actually made an effort to get to know the woman sat in front of him, had spent countless hours with her, curled up and talking about literature, her life in brazil, anything and everything they could get out of there they had talked about. 

They’d shared a few things of course, her favorite dessert (a brazilian treat called Romeu e Julieta), how many times she’d made them watch the sound of music, and how she knew every word to every song and could imitate the voices, how she’d grown up dancing with her mom and grandmother, but there was still so much more that the boy hadn't told and Felix just didn’t know. 

Yet he’d had the audacity to call the girl a sad angry woman, he’d believed that she simply had no passion for life and made it her mission to make everyone else sad. Something he could now clearly see was not the case, Seol-A radiated life in every way shape and form, and he’d simply chosen to never observe it close enough. 

How she would tease her makeup artist all the time, how she’d dance around the room when she thought no one was looking, the way she bathed herself in gold and lit up when she was offered a good dark roast of coffee. 

They didn’t know her and yet all of them had made such horrible comments about them, and Felix hated it. That wasn’t like them, it wasn’t normal for them to all get so mean like this, and he hated the person it made him when he was. 

“I- I took things way too far. I didn’t really know you at all and I was making assumptions based on what I’d been told. I was nervous because you were making your way into our family and I didn’t really want you too, I lashed out because I thought my precious people were going to get hurt and in doing so only hurt you.” He admitted, staring down at the ground in shame. He was surprised to feel a hand on his shoulder and he looked up to see the woman standing in front of him. 

“I forgive you, I understand why you lashed out. It will take time for things to be ok between us but I hold no resentment towards you.” She spoke softly, gently rubbing his arm, watching as tears streamed down his face. 

“I’m sorry too.” Hyunjin finally spoke, “I- I had seen you practicing one afternoon and I got scared, you’re good, like really good, and I wasn’t ready to possibly give up some of my center spots to you during dance breaks. It’s selfish I know, but I’ve only been used to sharing with Felix and Minho-hyung. My comments were made both out of fear for my spot, and exhaustion from the day before.” Seol-A looked at the man and nodded, sending him a gentle nod. 

“I shouldn’t have said that I wanted you out, that wasn’t…” Han’s voice was small. “That wasn’t fair. I’m not going to apologize for saying you scare me, you do and that will take time to fix, but I do apologize for saying that fear is your fault. You haven't done any particular thing to make me scared, you’ve always been kind, despite us not being kind.” He was also picking at his jeans, not looking up. Felix was struck by how similar Han and Seol-A were in their struggles, and felt the shame in his chest only grow. They’d all been so careful and aware with Han, and yet when another person with the same issues showed up they couldn’t be? 

“I know.” Seol-A spoke softly, “I’m not mad, anxiety’s hell to deal with. It isn’t rational.” The man looked at her with wide eyes before slumping, the fear that seemed to have gripped him washed away by the soft words. 

“There's nothing wrong with lifting in silence.” Changbin spoke next, an uncommon frown on his face. “Just being around me… that's why you came isn’t it? You’re not much of a talker but you’d listen and were happy to just let me chat. I mistook that as disinterest and not wanting to know me, it wasn’t. I’m sorry- jumping to conclusions wasn’t the way to go about that at all.” 

The white haired woman had taken a seat next to Felix, gently playing with his hair as he cried, and she let out a soft sigh when he was done talking. “Right.” She agreed, “It was fun to listen to you talk, I enjoyed it. Didn’t feel the need to add in more, which was on me.” 

The two shared a look that Felix couldn’t quite decipher, but respect and a mutual understanding was clear. 

“I guess I should go next.” Chan spoke, his voice stranded. “I let myself get so caught up in how I normally treat others to realize that you would need time to adjust. We’ve been together for so long I’d forgotten how to slowly incorporate a new person in and just expected you to gel right away. Which was unfair of me, especially considering all of us didn’t gel right away- I thought I was going to have to stop someone from getting killed multiple times when Hyunjin and Han first got to know each other.” He gave a weak chuckle and Seol-A let out a sharp laugh. 

“Oh I’ve heard about how bad they were, it's infamous.” She smiled as she glanced at the two men, each flushed in slight embarrassment. 

“Exactly! So I shouldn’t have just expected you to…” The man trailed off, tugging at his hair slightly as he put his head in his hands. 

“Chan.” The woman's voice cut through the space clearly, though it was soft. “Do you see me getting upset at you? Beating you over it?” The man looked up through his fingers and shook his head lightly. “Right, then don’t beat yourself up over it. If I’m not upset by it then there's no reason to be upset.” 

The room fell into a soft silence as Chan let himself sag, tension leaving his body as though a heavy weight had finally been lifted. 

As a silence fell over the group the group’s eyes all slowly drifted over to Minho, slumped heavily into himself as he stared pointedly at the floor. Eventually he heaved a heavy sigh and slowly looked up. 

“I think I have the most to apologize for.” The man started, turning his cat eyed gaze to the woman sitting next to Felix. “I was the one who called the meeting, I was frustrated with you but instead of having an actual conversation I instead chose to talk behind your back to try and solve the problem. Which obviously, didn’t work- It wouldn’t have. You needed to be here for us to discuss. 

“I was scared that you’d bring us down visually. That you’d destroy what we’ve been building for so long. I didn’t think you had a place here- so I pushed. When I saw you messing up and lacking energy in something that Stay would be seeing I panicked. We’ve worked so hard for this, and I was pissed off that it seemed like you weren't putting in the same effort. I let that fear come out as anger and it got you…it got you injured. Because you were scared and moved to get away, and you fell and ....” He trailed off, voice tight. 

“I don’t blame you for my ankle, that was my fight or flight reaction.” Seol-A spoke, “So stop blaming yourself for that, it’s not your fault.” She then sighed and looked down. “This doesn't magically fix the issue. Apologizing is the first step but I don't trust you, at all- but… I’m willing to try and fix this. If you are.” The girl spoke as she looked up slowly.

The remaining tension seemed to bleed from the room at the words, a collective sigh released as the girl stood, retreating back into her cocoon of safety where Seungmin and IN sat. 

It wasn’t perfect, but it was a start. 

Chapter Text

The next few months passed with a slightly uncomfortable kind of peace. The first few weeks were the worst, both Seol-a and the boys having to relearn what they thought they knew of the others. 

Slowly though, the discomfort began to fade and a sense of normalcy began to surface, a familiarity beginning to coat the once uneasy tension in the dorms. The way that twice a week the boys would wake up to a traditional Brazilian breakfast instead of the Korean meal that Minho would prepare, how a mate gourd sat next to a new type of sugar that the boys would see her stir into her coffee, and how new cooking utensils started to find their way into the kitchen.

The first time Changbin noticed it was when he was doing the group's laundry- it was his week after all, and he didn’t think twice as he sorted out nine sets of clothes and not eight. Then that night when he went to his bathroom his eyes didn’t linger on the extra toothbrush sitting in the holder. And when he came back out for a late night snack he didn’t move to pick up the small circle of pillows that now formed a circle around the once unused end of the couch.  

Changbin watched in awe as the girls books slowly began to make their way out of her room into the living space, each page always treated with the utmost respect as the girl softly read to whoever had asked that day. He watched the way that Chan would pick up one of the books now in their home studio and thumb through it when he was lacking inspiration. How he would watch Seol-A come in, softly humming to herself as she answered questions asked- and some that lingered in the space between them.

“Hm? Yeah, Dostoyevsky was writing in the nineteenth century, his first work was poor folk I believe, published in 1840.” She spoke softly as Chan thumbed through White Nights. 

“This is one of your favorites? Why?” the man asked, glancing up at her with a bare face, soft smile on his lips. Changbin watched as something passed briefly in her eyes- a fondness he hadn’t noticed before.

“It speaks to me in a way others don’t- I’ve always been a rather solitary person, don’t talk much when its not my close people, it caused me to have a lot of lonely nights.” She smiled softly to herself, playing with the ring she wore on a necklace. It was always there, no matter the day, only off for shoots and filming. “I find myself in those pages sometimes, lost in those strange and empty white nights.” she gazed off to the side as she spoke again, “I wanted to be a poet when I was younger, you know that? After I first read that book was when I realized. I wanted to be a poet and a stage actor, maybe even a writer. I gave up on that idea fast enough though.” The girl laughed as Changbins face fell.

“Why did you give up on it?” Chan asked softly. 

“Poets die young, stage actors starve, and writers aren’t appreciated till they're dead. All of them spend too much time in their own mind, or the mind of another.” She spoke softly, gazing off into space as if she was seeing the future she could have had, a bittersweet smile on her face. “And all of them are mad.” 

They didn’t speak the rest of the night. 

 Changbin kept a closer eye on the girl after that. He watched as Hyunjin -who once guarded his art supplies with the fierceness of a mother bear over her cubs- would sit in the living room with her, painting and sketching into the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes he’d walk in and the two would be cackling, dying of laughter from something Changbin had missed. Some times they both sat in comfortable silence, working on their canvases as soft music played inbetween the two.

Other times he would pause, noticing how Seol-A had set down her brush and simply watched the way Hyunjin worked. Observing both the colors on the page and the man as if both were art- and not just the work forming on the canvas. He noticed how the woman's gaze softened, tracing the lines of their prince's face with a kind of adoration; soft, gentle, ever present, as if all she wanted to do was brush back his hair and hold him when he broke. 

It was a look Changbin had only ever truly seen on Chan. 

The next time he noticed the look was when he walked in on a full blown powdered sugar fight between the woman and Felix. The smell of fresh baked brownies filled the house when he’d come home from the studio that day. He had gotten the honor of seeing how the whole fiasco had started.

 Felix, who had been watching her slowly sift powdered sugar on top of the still warm brownies, had gently taken a small pinch of the powdered sugar from the bag and blew it at her face when she turned around. The scene only devolved from there until both were dying of laughter, laying on the ground in a mess of powdered sugar. The older man had watched as the two rolled over simultaneously, both gazing at each other as they continued to giggle. The soft adoring look was present in full force as Seol-a gently reached over to wipe a bit of powdered sugar from Felix’s cheek, hand lingering there for a second longer than it needed to before she quickly withdrew it and stretched, before claiming first dibs on the shower and taking off. 

What the woman hadn’t seen was the way that Felix reached up to touch where she had gently cupped his face, cheeks tinged pink as he watched her go. 

But Changbin saw. 

From that moment onward he saw all of it. 

He noticed how Seungmin would hang on her every word- but seemed completely unaware of the fact that she stared at him as if he was the most beautiful creature to ever walk the earth. Like he was a melody in human form, singing softly to the tune of her soul. The two sang together often, simply sitting there and building melodies and harmonies off of each other, neither pitch faltering, both grinning softly as their voices danced.

“Come lay here.” Seungmin would insist, having the woman lay back on his lap, running his fingers through her hair gently. Within seconds the girl would start to gently hum in response to the soothing movement, and the rest of the room went quiet as the two began to sing edelweiss, soft and lilting.

The next time he saw that gaze was when I.N was looking for Seungmin to go run errands with, he went right to Seol-a’s room, knowing that would be the most likely place to find any of the three when the group was home. He watched as I.N undeniably softened as she opened the door with finger at her lips. 

“Our puppy’s sleeping, Seungmin decided to try reading Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea for us and it wore him out.” Jeongin let out a soft whine. 

“I was going to have hyung come shop with me.” He tisked softly, dramatic as he pouted. “I guess I’ll let him sleep. But the next time we go out I'm making him carry everything.” the man said with an evil smile and the girl laughed softly, looking down towards him with her eyes alight, fond and loving.

“I’ll come with you this time. I wanted to pick up some stuff at the store anyway.” she smiled and the man nodded, turning and trusting her to follow him. 

He was surprised the night he came to check on Han and found he’d been beaten by their newest member. The quokka had a rough time that day during choreo practice- tensions were high and while no one said anything it was clear the choreographer was making them rerun clean sections because Jisung was just slightly off time. 

“I’m just tired! I know the choreo but he wouldn’t let it rest! I didn’t mean to be behind!” The man cried out in frustration, and changbin peaked in to see what was happening. There on the bed, Han was sprawled out, head in the woman's lap as he ranted up at her in frustration. She was playing with his hair, humming in acknowledgment as she let him rant. Studio Ghibli played softly in the background- the soundtrack howl's moving castle setting a soft backdrop for Han to express himself openly. She looked down at him like he was something to be protected, her free hand gently laid across his waist as she held him like he was the most fragile thing she’d ever had the privilege of touching. 

As more time passed Changbin saw more and more of these interactions, especially between all of his dongsaeng. He noticed it when Hyunjin and her started going to the dance studio together outside of practice hours. 

“I've got this choreo idea in my head that I just can’t figure out without another person there to dance it with me, can you come?” the dancer would ask and the woman, pausing whatever she was doing, would look up with a smile and nod- those same eyes fixed on him like he was the only person in the room, then the two would get home late at night and Hyunjin would run to his room and return with face masks while the girl poured them each a cup of red wine, gilmore girls would be set on the T.V and that nights painting would begin. 

Or when Felix would come skipping out of her room, loudly singing new songs he’d learned from musicals after the two had a movie and snuggle night. The first time Changbin had seen the new tradition the two were discovered covered in piles of blankets with a strange but delicious mixture of cultural goods and brownies piled on a plate in front of them.

He saw how Han started reaching over to fiddle with her bracelets and nails, and when she’d look over at him with an eyebrow raised- obviously amused- he’d just dramatically whisper “asmrrrrrrr” and continue fidgeting with her. She’d snort slightly before holding her hand out to him so he didn’t have to reach over to play with her accessories. How the two would get into animated discussions about their most recent anime binges and how their theories had to be canonical or they were suing because there was ‘no way it wouldn't play out that way’.

It showed in the way that IN, as touch averse has he’d always been, started to randomly flop on her when she was scrolling, simply curling up on top of her. He’d still gently hit her hand if she tried to actually pet his head or rest on him however, with the same simple rebuttal. 

“Hey stop moving, you’re my pillow right now, pillows don’t move.” and she’d laugh in response and let him lay. Changbin watched him light up when they were out with the group, Jeongin realizing he had to take care of a member the same way that his hyungs had taken care of him for years. 

He saw it in how Seungmin would randomly come back with foods that they all knew the girl liked, how he’d offhandedly toss it towards her and how he’d gaze at her fondly when she did that funny little happy wiggle when she ate something she liked. His response to her thanks was the same every time. 

“I was out and saw it, it was no big deal.” But binnie knew it was. He noticed how the man would randomly put songs on that the two liked just so that he had the chance to sing with her, each creating fun harmonies as the other supported them with the melody, both smiling at each other as they sang and did chores around the house. 

Not even his eldest hyung was immune, he saw it in the way that Chan began to hover a little more around her when they went out to preform, always ensuring she was in the middle of the group, away from the people who still, after two months, felt that she didn’t deserve to be in the group- distracting her from their words by conversing about new song ideas he had or making stupid faces to make her laugh. He saw it when the eldest gave her that look, the same fond adoration shining in his eyes as he watched her tease her stylist, debate passionately about whether americanos were gross (she felt they were, apparently they always tasted burnt), or joke with the youngers, that look of pride that he saved for the kids when they were finished performing was now turned to her as well- no longer leaving her on the fringes. 

But what none of them seemed aware of is that every time they weren't paying attention she looked at them as if they were the definition of happiness. Not perfection, but true unfiltered joy. At times the man even wondered if what he was seeing in her eyes was love- but he quickly shot those thoughts down, everything in his mind growing quiet as he watched how she adored the men he loved so much. Silently, steadily, unwavering, constantly there for them, constantly looking at them like they were something to be protected and loved. 

 He knew that he was no different, those fond eyes had been fixed on him before- and he’d had to fight to continue to rep his chest presses as he felt his heart explode as she looked at him like he was the most precious thing she’d ever seen. Like he was someone to be held and cherished and adored. Like he was beautiful. His own soft spot for him hit him like a truck, because he hadn’t realized he had one for her yet. He noticed how he'd now go to her with almost every new track, waiting eagerly to hear her thoughts on it. How he felt  himself glow with pride every time she said she liked something, how he took her critiques seriously, trying new sounds that she’d recommended and oftentimes keeping them in the track. 

He even noticed it when he was lifting with her, how he’d get so excited to go with her because he knew she wanted to work just as hard as he would and that he could talk about whatever he’d like and she’d intently listen- even if she didn’t respond much. 

What he was most surprised about however, was the first time he saw that fond look fixed on Minho. The two were in the kitchen, a recipe for feijoada on the counter, the paper worn and ink light. She’d brought out her recipe box that she’d gotten from her grandmother- something they all knew was off limits unless she was with them. It was the first time he’d seen it in use. 

“Boil the meat for about 20 minutes- we want all of the excess salt to dissolve.” She spoke softly, watching as the man followed her instructions without double checking the recipe- something that didn’t happen when the others were in the kitchen. 

“Mmh, what next?” the man asked, voice soft and calm- something that Changbin hadn’t heard from him when talking to the woman. 

“While we let that boil we’re going to make rice the Brazilian way. Pull out the saucepan, don’t give me that look, yes we need the saucepan, and then grab the kettle and put it on.” The girl watched as the man did as she said, glaring at the saucepan as if it had wronged him before putting it on the stove. 

“Ok now vegetable oil in, then garlic and onions- we cook it till it's nice and translucent and smells like heaven came down to kiss you on the nose. Then the rice, water and salt and we let it boil for 20.” 

“This is so wrong.” Minho muttered as he began to saute the onions, shaking his head. But there was a faint smile on the man's mouth. 

And as the man looked intently at the stove, careful not to overcook the onion, Seol-a watched him with the softest smile in the world, as if all the woman wanted to do was take Minho in her arms and hold him, make him feel safe and content. Like you could ask her for the definition of comfort and she’d say that moment, standing there, teaching the man who once seemed to despise her how to cook Brazil's national dish. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Minho murmured as he glanced over, and Changbin smiled to himself. Leave it to their resident cat whisperer to notice that she was looking at him as if she was one of his cats- with love and adoration in her eyes. She looked to the side and shook her head.

“Just internally laughing at you.” The girl shrugged before glancing at the onions and garlic. “Oh- and the garlic is starting to burn.” 

Minho let out a startled little yelp, quickly going back to cooking and momentarily forgetting the interaction, but Changbin hadn’t. 

And when they all sat down after dinner that night in the living room, Felix making his way over to curl up with Seol-a instinctively, this time joined by Han, Seungmin, and IN- he instinctively grabbed the remote and tossed it over to the pile- watching as the youngest caught it and turned on another musical for the group to watch. Into the woods- changbin recognized it- earlier that week he’d complained that all the younger boys seemed to get cuddle time and he hadn’t and she simply dragged him into the living room and turned the musical on before burrioting the two into the blankets. The fondness in his heart welled up as he looked at all of the youngests, happily entangled as they hung on every scene, save for Seol-A, who happily was playing with Han’s hair. 

And as the man observed the scene he knew with certainty that the group had made the right choice, there was no way the girl should have debuted anywhere else. 

She belonged right there, with them.

And nothing would change that. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seol-A stared at the device in front of her with a sort of grim resolution. This was it. Her first livestream. Stay was going to tear her to shreds. 

The company had decided to wait for as long as they could before making her do a live, instead posting the videos she often recorded herself around the studio, during practices, or at home while she was reading or painting and talking- hoping to ease through the transition and get Stay more used to her before sending her out to fend for herself on live. The girl didn’t think it was try for her benefit- probably more so to try and control the narrative around her and what she was like by only showing Stay a certain part of her, how hardworking she was, how kind and dedicated, how she’d be able to help take stress off of Chan, how she could benefit the boys. They are trying to prove to Stay that her addition to the group wasn’t a mistake. None of the videos they had released of her showed the videos of her randomly twerking in the studio at three with a very sleepy Chan judging her as the two insomniacs worked on tracks late into the night. None showed the way that she’d pause Minho’s cooking to dance with him in the kitchen before just walking off to do whatever it was she’d actually come back to the dorms to do. 

And to a degree she understood it, Stay could be absolutely ruthless and numbers were dropping due to her addition to the group, Stays called her a pick me online. A diversity hire who couldn’t dance, couldn’t sing. She was both only in the group because of her visuals and simultaneously the ugliest person in the room at all times. The hate comments she’d received on her personal platforms were egregious, millions of comments telling her to off herself, that she was ruining the group, that she was a whore and a slut and a master manipulator and the boys would always hate her for infringing. 

The boys had done their best to keep her away from the negative comments, and Chan had taken to shielding her the best he could when they were out in public, hoping she wouldn’t notice. She noticed all of it, the growing amount of signs with panthers exed out on them, the chants of Stay calling for her removal, the screams of people accusing her of stealing the boys away. Every time something happened the boys shifted closer, Chan nearly cocooning her despite their height difference, the care made her stomach flutter in ways she didn’t want to think about so she pretended not to notice- both for his sake and her own, she pretended not to notice how much he watched over her, how foreign and how safe it made her feel all at once. She didn’t need feelings to come creeping in- the boys had such a good thing going, and now that they were willing to show it around the dorm she knew she could never be part of it, never taint such a beautiful and pure thing. 

Their opening up to her had started small; causal touches around each other that were too intimate to be platonic turned into soft kisses placed to foreheads, cheeks, lips. The way they loved each other was reverent, dedicated, a constant underlying current all eight had succumbed to years ago and were now a part of. Seol-a was honored just being allowed to watch the way the river ran, observe the currents of emotion. Amazed she had become someone they would allow into their space during lazy days in the sun, softly tracing fingers over anothers face. That ability to observe was all she could ask for- and all she would ask for. They were in love, deeply, unequivocally, and she wasn’t going to do anything that could cause a change to that peace. She wouldn't disturb another beautiful thing. 

But now, here in this empty practice room, there was none of that love. Chan and Chanbin weren't there excitedly showing her a new track, Minho and Han weren't softly laughing on the couch next to her, Seungmin and IN weren't there bickering harmlessly about something they’d seen on their phones, and Felix and Hyunjin weren't there spamming her with weird and slightly concerning instagram reels. She was alone, staring at the laptop, about to go live. At that moment it all felt too real, knowing that the moment she clicked that button there would be no barrier between her and stay, no shield to hide behind, no hide button in sight. Just her, her thoughts, and that wicked comment box. 

She had to go live- it was part of her contract, but they didn’t even give her staff to watch over her, the boys weren't going to be there, they hadn’t even been made aware that the live was happening. They didn’t care at this point what she did or didn’t do it seemed, they realized that Stay was just never going to like her. Not the stay that had been there before her at least, just like how those who watched their survival show had never seemed to let go of the idea that there should be 9 stray kids members, not the eight everyone knew. She figured it would be like that with her too, the new fans who joined during Chk Chk boom would at least tolerate her- maybe not love but at least not hate- however the issue was that Stray kids had exploded over the past five years. They’d been relatively small when Woojin had left so overtime the number of people who knew that the group had nine original members dwindled dramatically. 

Now? No one would forget that stray kids used to be Eight. 

Not ever. 

Seol-A was just going to have to live with it, to deal with the hate and suck it up. She was lucky to even  debut at all due to her age, even more so due to her skin color. She knew that people who looked like her were seldom in this industry, it should be an honor for her to even get to be in the same room as the others. 

So with a deep breath the girl reached forward and pressed the start button on the live.

The girl watched as one viewer joined, then two. She knew the live wouldn’t be all that large- the staff had told her they installed a mod on her livestream. Every person who had posted hate comments online would be banned from joining, the algorithm looking through the media accounts linked to the email viewers were watching and then blocking them from entering. It wasn’t perfect for sure, there would be hate comments that slid through, but this was their way of throwing the girl to the wolves and having her do a live without staff. 

“Hello there Stay.” the girl hummed to herself, watching as the number of people watching slowly increased. She pulled out her phone, logging into the live chat so she could see the chat. She was unsurprised to find a slew of hate comments waiting, each flagged and taken down- their commenters pushed out of the live. She stayed silent as she watched the cruel words fly by, each commenter slowly getting weeded out of the chat- and as she scanned the messages she found a small smile pulling at her lips. A small tug of excitement pulled at her chest, pooling into her gut as she realized that there were people leaving positive comments. Several actually, enough to clearly pick out despite the slew of hate coming through.

“Hello, hello, how are we all? Good? I hope we're all good, if you've not had the chance to eat or drink something you should go take care of yourself and then come sit with me.” The girl hummed as she reached to the side and grabbed the water next to her, eyes still reading the comments. 

“What lipstick am I wearing? Uhhhh, wait lemme look.” the girl spoke as she pulled the combination out of her pocket. “Brown liner in uh, shade moonbeam from a brand that rhymes with…..Syx? Then a rust red that suits my skin and a black gloss.” The girl let her eyes fall back on the chat, watching as happy responses  flooded in. “Oh dang, ya’ll are really happy I told you that.” She laughed to herself softly, “maybe I should talk with the staff and see if I can do like a makeup walkthrough for a video- could see if my makeup artist would be willing to be my fairy godmother and show yall how she makes me look like i’ve slept like, at all.” The girl then paused and looked around. 

“What do y'all think I should do today? There's really no set plan for this live, I’m just kinda vibing with yall. Answer questions? I’d love to dance for my amazing stay here but I’m afraid I’d hit something. There is a piano in here, I uh, I actually got a few things in here.” The girl mused as she glanced around, “there's a sound system, and a guitar, and a deck of cards- not sure what I’d do with that.” she murmured as she glanced around the room before turning back to the chat. 

“Do magic with them.” the girl read, frowning as she reached over to the cards again. 

“I don’t know magic though- wait should i just like, flick them at you all. That’d be funny.” The girl spoke with a small smile before flicking a singular card at the camera and watching the chat explode.

LeeKnowHasMyLife: AAHHHHH, SHE'S TAKING REVENGE ON FAKE STAY WHO ARE HATING ON HER TAKE COVER, THE CARDS ARE GONNA GET US

08isNOLONGERFATE: She's so pretty I can’t

ChanThisIsNotAboutCars: She's so random and I kind of love it- please throw more things at us beautiful 

REDLIGHTSWASACOLAB: AHASIERF FHAS FOUIHQ WEFJ ASDLIFKH QEW WHY DO PEOPLE HATE HER I DON'T GET IT 

Seol-a looked around the room again with a smile. “I should’ve come in here with a plan. What if I play for you guys- I’ve had Piano Man stuck in my head all day so maybe I play that for you guys, take some song requests. That seems like a good idea?” 

As she watched the comment section flood once again with hate she felt her heart drop slightly, a level of exhaustion settling in her bones that she hadn’t felt in a long time. Still she stood and made her way to the piano, letting the live continue. After all, what choice did she have? She could only pray that the mod kept working and the stay would get nicer.

Unfortunately for her- they didn’t, and as she saw one particular username pass she felt her heart sink into her stomach. How had he gotten into her live? The company knew that he wasn’t allowed to contact her, unless…

She checked the date and felt her heart plunge into her stomach. The restraining order was up- she’d forgotten to get it renewed- and the last time she’d stood before a judge the judge had made it very clear he didn’t believe she needed the order any further. 

Her eyes flicked back to the screen, bile rising in her throat. She watched as the username popped up again and again, ever present through the onslaught of other messages.

Her ex-husband had found her again.

Chapter Text

Seol-a couldn’t breathe. The fluorescent lights of the JYP bathrooms stabbed at her eyes, piercing through her lids as if they didn’t exist. The ground felt hard and unforgiving beneath trembling, weak, fawn-like legs that had given out the moment she’d made it past the stall door. The toilet seat was cold against her clammy forehead, resting the body that had been throwing up for what seemed like hours. Her arms clutched her waist desperately, holding herself in an embrace that was never going to be enough, but would have to be. 

And she still couldn’t fucking breathe. 

Her breaths came in short sporadic pants, each trying to fill her drowning lungs, hands clenched into fists as if the pain of her nails in her soft flesh was going to do more than make her bleed. It wasn’t, and she’d be guilty for the pulsing ache of her palms in the morning. She’d played this game one too many times for her not to know how it would feel, yet as always her nails continued to dig out of reflex; trying to anchor a ship during the middle of a typhoon and expecting not to capsize. 

The room swam as she felt bile rise through her throat once again- as if her body itself was rejecting the memories permanently stored in her body from the man she once called her husband. Her throat burned as she once again felt her stomach acid burn its way out of her, the food she’d eaten that day long gone as she shakily reached up to flush the toilet once again, letting herself slump against the wall as the first strangled sob made its way out of her choking body, curling into itself as she shook silently on the floor in the fetal position. 

Images flashed behind her eyes in a rapid fire speed. The first time she’d met the man at Hybe, how her recruiter introduced the 27 year old as Ha-Jun, how she’d learned that he was her manager there to help her succeed and debut. How she’d thought it was normal for the man to leave lingering glances on her during dance practice, to tell her how beautiful she was, something that was rare in Korea. The way he’d gently pet her hair, mumble encouragement to her as he hugged her from behind. 

How he proposed to her at the young age of 17, and her naive, young self, had thought it was meant to be and said yes. 

The way he’d changed as soon as they’d gotten married, how suddenly only two of the male friends she’d had before dating him would talk to her, how he told her she was a slut and a whore for talking to them. How her female friends all but left her. 

How she caught him with another woman. Then another, and another, and another, and another. 

And finally her brain seemed to settle on one memory to torment her with, the night she knew she had to leave. 

Seol-a was scared- the type of deep seeded terror that caused muscles to tense and never release, that caused constant vigilance through sleepless nights surviving completely off of adrenaline and the constant mantra playing in her head. 

“You cannot die here.” 

She knew that night was different the moment she’d come home, that it was more dangerous, that she was at risk. She’d known because there was not a single sound echoing through the house when she entered- no screaming, no cussing, no breaking bottles, no demands for acts she didn’t want to partake in. Just the creak of her own feet on floorboards that didn’t hold her properly and the stench of food that had long gone bad mixed with stale soju. 

Ha-Jun was there, sitting on the one chair that had come with their table, head resting against clenched fists as red rimmed eyes stared across the silent room, dark and burning, and in that moment Seol-A felt her breath hitch. 

He was looking at her like he wanted to kill her. 

She hesitantly slid her bag off of her arm onto the hook next to the door, sliding her phone into her front pocket as subtly as she could as she passed by him as silently as possible, preparing to make their dinner. He let her pass, eyes glued to every movement she made like a hyena sizing up a gazelle. 

Like a predator eyeing prey.

“How was work today, dear?” Seol-a’s voice was rough, shaky as she forced a smile to her face. It didn’t sit right, tight in the cheeks, not reaching the eyes, too many teeth, but it was the best she could do as she noticed the empty needle sitting next to him, and the small white baggy next to it. 

Shit. 

He was high and drunk. She needed to be really careful with this conversation, he was always so much more violent when he was high. Side effects of the drugs he’d told her in one of his rare moments of sober thought while he pleaded for her forgiveness. 

The atmosphere was tense as the man leaned back, reaching over and grabbing an open beer bottle and taking a swig before finally speaking, voice rough and low.  

“I thought I told you to stop being a fucking slut.” the girl paused for a moment, hands quivering as she opened the stale bread bag. They hadn’t gotten new food in weeks- she didn’t make any money and he spent all of his money on drugs, alcohol and gambling- so they’d been living off of bologna sandwiches for weeks. 

“You did. I’m sorry that I was again.” The girl spoke softly, unsure of what she’d even done to cause the accusation. Who had he seen her talk to? What guy had stepped into her five foot radius she maintained at all times. Her mind was racing, trying to envision what action had caused her husband's wrath. 

“Ah but that’s what you said last time.” The man spoke, standing as he swayed toward her, stumbling over his own feet as he wrapped arms around her waist. It was meant to be a comforting action, instead it felt suffocating. She was one move away from a black eye and frantic excuses to the few overbearing friends she’d managed to make. “And then you went and talked to those two boy toys you like. Not enough to be mine is it? Dirty slut. You need other men to fill you in any way you’ll get.” 

The girl didn’t say anything in response, trying to breathe as softly as possible. She knew who he was referring to. Yeonjun, who she had met before he went into I-land during shared trainee days, though she was a brand new trainee and he was rather seasoned. He’d come in to help the younger groups at times and the two had bonded over Candide, the book she’d forgotten to take out of her bag and he’d happened to see, and a shared sense of humor. He’d taken her under his wing like a big brother would, making sure she slept enough, keeping her from burning out, sneaking her food during the ridiculously strict diets she had to deal with, but her husband never saw the man that way. Instead he was certain that the now debuted idol was trying to break them up so that he could date her instead. That the man she considered to be an honorary brother, a guiding force in her life, wanted to get her in the sheets. 

Nevermind that the man had a relationship already. 

The other boy he was referring to was Niki- sweet young Niki who had stumbled into her life a year after Yeonjun debuted and when she was longing for a close friend again who had time to talk to her. He’d come in without knowing Korean, and as she spoke Japanese, it seemed like the most natural thing to take him under her wing just as Yeonjun had done to her when she was struggling to swim. He was sweet, if a little naive and unsure, and it made her want to just hold and coo and fawn over him- despite his whining protests. She’d often stop by practice rooms and sneak him tteboki and pepero when she could. Ensuring he too took the breaks he needed- and also introducing him to the now debuted older brother she’d gained. The three had become a family of sorts within the company- everybody knew about them, and she’d been so so proud of the boy when he’d debuted a year ago. 

When her husband found out about her relationship with the younger man he called her a cougar and pedophile. 

“We had our bi-monthly coffee that you approved of.” Seol-a whispered quietly, hands mechanically moving to continue making the sandwiches she had prepped- trying not to show just how terrified she truly was. “Remeber? I asked you four weeks ago, within the asking period, and its been on the calendar, and I checked this morning to be sure you were ok with it and-” Her voice broke off as she felt something cold and sharp tracing her arm, body going cold with dread. Had he grabbed a knife without her noticing? A fork maybe? One of the wine cork openers? 

“Were you always this annoying? At one point you’d seemed fun to me, you’re not fun anymore.” His voice was light, mocking, as if talking to a child. “Yet here you are, ugly, gangly, flat, and cheating. I’d always hoped you’d grow into this tall stature of yours, that you'd be one of those pretty mixed mutts. Yet look at you, won’t do anything but make mediocre food, complain when I want sex, and cheat- and you have the nerve to be a foul sight on top of it.” 

The girl let her eyes fall down to her shoulder, trying to see what was tracing her arm as she tried to block out the words he had spit. She felt her stomach drop to her feet when she saw what that cold metal was. 

A syringe. Full. With a strange white chalky powder in the liquid that was clearly not properly mixed. The tip of the needle was dull- meaning it would hurt like hell to inject. As she stared at the object longer, the vile insults her husband continued to spew falling into a quiet, she realized exactly what was inside of the syringe. Xanax. It was the only one of the drugs he took that clumped that way inside the vile, she didn’t know what he had mixed with it but she was certain her guess was correct. It was the only powdered drug he would inject- claiming that it hit harder when he injected it instead of snorting. That's why he was so angry- he was furious and violent when he used- the drug effecting his mood worse than any other drug he did. How he hadn’t killed himself at this point she wasn’t sure- nothing about how he did it was safe or sanitary. 

And as she felt the needle begin to press against her inner wrist she felt her heart freeze. He was going to try and inject her with that stuff. 

“What did you want for dinner honey?” She asked softly as she began to move her wrist away from him as calmly as possible. 

And she almost got it away from him. 

“Nice try you little whore.” The man grunted as he grabbed her wrist, stabbing it with the unsharpened needle, “If you won’t be fun for me I’m gonna make you fucking fun or kill you so I can marry someone else.” He seethed as he began to press on the syringe and-

Her mind seemed to black out as she found herself outside in the snow, nothing but her tank top and shorts as she watched red pour out of her arm. Her feet and hands were raw from the cold, body long going numb to the feeling as she staggered to the nearest hospital, body bruised and damaged, vision swimming. 

She didn’t feel when she hit the ground, her vision just turned white and she was no longer standing, simply watching as that white slowly turned red as her blood seeped into the freshly fallen snow. 

When Seol-A came back two she felt her body convulse as her stomach cramped, emptying acid and wincing when she felt the liquid burn at her throat. Frantically she threw herself over the toilet, letting her body empty the bile- sobbing silently as she rested her head down against an arm. 

She couldn’t do this. 

~~~~~~

Han was observant. More observant than most people realized. He knew when his precious leader needed a break, offering to stay later just to make sure that the man would actually go to bed. He noticed it in Minho, pestering longer and clinging closer- whispering soft promises of love and devotion when the older man was hanging onto sanity by a thread. 

He watched Changbin carefully when working out and making tracks, looking for any signs of discomfort, any indication he needed to step in to lighten the load. He was always two steps behind Hyunjin, making sure that his arms were ready to catch when the artist inevitably took a fall. 

He was there for his precious twin, always letting the man cry on his shoulder till the clouds parted and his light began to shine on the group again. He always sensed when seungmin was feeling insecure, making sure to complement his every movement until the puppy shoved him away with a smile. He made sure the youngest was always taken care of, that someone was always there to go on shopping trips with him and that he had a gym buddy- even if Han had gone already. 

So he knew Seol-A wasn’t alright. She’d been quiet, too quiet. The group was stressed- making their way to the MAMA awards while they tried to finish up the last ends on HOP which was releasing in a month while simultaneously trying to get fully comfortable with each other. Normally when the group was tense she’d be there, softly, quietly, never overbearing. Just a hand to grab onto when needed and a casual joke to lighten the mood. 

She was doing none of that now, simply sitting vacantly and gazing out the window like the passing scenery could give her a refuge from whatever was happening in her head. She’d been withdrawn all week, just present enough to satisfy the others, but far enough in her own mind that Han could see all of the signs. 

But there wasn’t much he could do at the moment, the nine were backstage at MAMA- all running around getting their makeup and hair fixed, stage outfits on and ready, and mentally prepping themselves to go out and perform. None of the others had even realized she was off yet, she’d been sitting in the chair for the past 30 minutes causally scrolling on her phone, two earbuds in as she breathed softly, as if afraid to take up the space she was in more than needed, like her breath could be construed as annoying. 

And Han figured that would be ok for this moment, she was strong- she’d proven that time and time again, becoming a support system for even the backbone of their group- supporting chan through his late nights and getting him to rest for at least 30 minutes more than he used to at night, something that really did show. Her place had really been made in the group to a degree- and while they were still getting to know her they’d seen all of her sides- her emotions her facets- she’d slowly opened them up to the group and the boys had taken them in stride, learning how to love and help with every one. 

That thought process, that belief that the group truly knew her in whole, quickly shattered when all attention was pulled to the green room door being slammed open. Two tall and limber bodies flying through it as a shriek of pure joy echoed through the small space. Han watched in confusion as the two blurs of men tackled the woman, covering her entirely in a far too familiar embrace.

“Boys! You actually snuck back here! I said it as a joke you idiots! You shouldn’t be here!” The girl laughed as she was lifted off of her seat and smothered between the two men Han now recognized, both bear hugging her like their lives depended on it as she clung back desperately. One umber arm looped around the older man's waist while she pulled the younger's head to her shoulder, burring her face in his hair as she leaned against the other. 

“I told you two not to sneak back!” She scolded lightly- but there was no true bite to her words, just a familiar fondness that made Han’s chest ache with a longing he couldn’t quite place. The entire scene was far too familial, like a family reunion long in the making. Seol-A gently placed kisses on the two, greeting them in a way Han had only ever heard her describe when she spoke of seeing her avo again. 

“We had to come and see you Noona.” Niki spoke with a smile as he pulled back from the hug, still staying as close as he could so he could have her arm around him. He was used to the woman's way of greeting him at this point, leaning up to return the kisses to her cheek, gently wiping the lipgloss marks left behind. The woman looked at him with unbearably soft eyes, hands gently raking through the younger's hair. 

“You’re back to black.” Her face was alight with joy as she took in the younger, eyes roving him as if checking to make sure he was ok, that he was real and safe and standing before her. Once she finished the check she nodded to herself before continuing to muse, beginning to ruffle the younger's due, “Good- I know how much you hate the blonde.” 

“Yah! Noona! Leave my hair alone! The stylists will scold me!” he whined as he swatted her hand away and pulled his neck back, attempting to escape her reach. The girl just laughed, looping her arm back around his waist and pulling him into another tight hug, tucking her face against his chest as she let out a deep sigh of contentment. Han watched how the younger's eyes softened, gently wrapping his arms around her to reciprocate the gesture. 

The sound of an irritated huff cut through the room, and han’s eyes flicked over to a rather petulant and pouting Yeonjun. “I see how it is. You love the maknee more than me- that's fine. I don’t care at all. I’ll just leave.” 

The white haired woman pulled back from her hug, turning to look at the oldest with the most exasperated look Han had seen her make. 

“Would you let me get to it, such an attention whore.” She teased lightly as untangled herself from her little brother before she pulled the other into a bone crushing hug, re-entangling herself with another friend as she laughed. 

“YAH!” The man yelled at her words, trying to pull back to scold her and failing as he stayed locked in her iron grip. “I’M OLDER THAN YOU! YOU PUNK! So disrespectful. You're worse than Beomgyu, you know that, absolute menace. Shouldn't have ever helped with your choreo, life would be so much quieter.” He rambled dramatically. 

“Aigoooooo- oppa you're louder than Binne.” The woman whined as she pulled back from his shouting form. “Also- I call bullshit. You love me, you’d help me with that choreo in every lifetime you overgrown twat.” she chided as she slapped the back of his head lightly. The older man gasped as a hand reached to the back of his head. 

“Why you little-” His sentence was cut off with the woman's amused squeak, and Han watched as she quickly untangled from the man and hid behind Niki. 

“Niki, niki help.” She mock whispered, peaking her head over his shoulder slightly, “Niki I poked the bear.” 

The youngest of the three snorted softly, “I can see that Noona, that’s your fault. I did nothing. Leave me out of this.” He laughed as he gently guided her in front of him and held her forearms, allowing Yeonjun to lunge at the girl and begin tickling her. 

The sound of Seol-A’s laughter rang long and loud in the room, a couple gasps of betrayal and how could you leave her body in between the cackling. 

And as this was happening Han stood watching, realizing with a start that she’d never acted like this with them. Ever. They’d only seen her this energetic when filming, and according to his favorite hyung, when the woman was drunk with friends. Yet here she was, giggling like a maniac as the two men in front of him poked and prodded and hung off her as she basked in their embraces, looking the happiest he’d seen her in weeks. The constant aura of anxiety no longer seemed to weigh her down as it had, sun cutting through dull clouds. 

He had to tear his eyes away rather quickly, a deep curling feeling starting to churn in his stomach and darken his mood. Why hadn’t they been able to break that bad mood- not even Seungmin and IN had gotten her to laugh like this, to be this happy, and it made him want to punch someone. As he looked around at his members he saw his own feelings reflected in their eyes. None of them liked that these two had come in and were all over their new member, even if it was a seemingly innocent interaction. 

None of the boys liked to share what was theirs. 

And somewhere along the way Seol-A had become theirs. 

Not in a weird way, han thought in defense of the group's mindset. Not romantically of course, not all encompassing like the boys claims on each other were. Just theirs in a different way, she was a stray kid, she was part of the band- so obviously they just all were looking after her, wanting to know why she was being held like the most precious thing by people they weren’t familiar with. 

That was all, nothing more. 

….

Right?