Chapter Text
Eun-Byeol's POV
Teardrops wet the page as I scribbled out in messy Hangeul. I was so sorry for their pain to the point where I needed to take it into my own hands to stop the pain. To my family, not the ones that I was born into but the ones that I helped create. The ones I was born to not giving a single fuck about me was obvious. A woman who just happened to get knocked up by some American soldier was the result of my birth. Disappearing to god knows where probably without an idea that I was even breathing on this planet. The mother didn’t want anything to do with me. I was a waste of space from the beginning. A waste of her money. Her Time. She spent days away from me leaving me to fend for myself. Just me, myself, and I. No siblings, no anyone.
Until I told her at a young age that I wanted to pursue music, and that was when she nearly abandoned me altogether. She was leaving me in a run-down studio apartment on the outskirts of Seoul. Sure she still paid the rent so I had a roof over my head, but that was the extent of her caring for her daughter. From there, I ended up working hard on music, finding different ways to express my frustrations in the world. Then after what felt like hundreds of auditions I landed one, somehow becoming the only girl on an all-male team. But it worked we worked. The drive, the bonding it was all there, they didn’t care that that I was a woman. I was one of them.
While they didn’t care the world did. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t face some sort of criticism, while our company supported our endeavors. Many said that I didn’t belong, what was I doing in a group with all men? I shouldn’t be in the group; it should just be the seven of them. That would be better. They would be better without me. It was only so long that people screaming into your ears that you didn’t belong before it started to take a toll. Having no family to turn to ended up with me internalizing every nasty thing that those people said.
I didn’t tell my team about it, I didn’t want to become a drag to their dreams. The thoughts began that they would be better off without me. I began to believe it. With talks of possible disbandment, I thought of the relief that I needed, they would be better without me. I was exhausted after working non-stop on our latest release I didn’t have it in me anymore. The more attention we got the more haters we got. The words at this point had begun to inscribe themselves onto the insides of my eyelids. Etching themselves into the flesh of my brain. I couldn’t escape the nasty words. The mistreatment. Treated as if I wasn’t worthy of being in the group that I helped to create.
Finally, after months of promotion, we had just a few days to relax before the next comeback, and all the others decided to use this time to visit their families. I didn’t blame them, I would never ask them to stay back with me just because I didn’t have family to visit. I hoped they wouldn’t notice, for some reason, they hadn’t even noticed how bad the last few years had gotten for me. Or maybe they just thought I was tired like the rest of them. We were close, how could you not be after all these years spending nearly every waking hour with them for over seven years would force some kind of bonding. I was twenty when we debuted, a eighteen when I joined the group shortly before Kook-ah did. A month before to be precise. Making me a Noona for the first time.
Tears dripped from my eyelashes as I thought of that precious fifteen-year-old who missed his family. The days I spent cooking for him and the others were something I remember fondly. Being abandoned at such a young age I had to get creative with my spending for full meals. During that time we were so poor and feeding eight people was difficult. Especially many growing teenagers added to that aspect. They still loved my cooking to this day as I ended in up in the rotations of cooks. I hoped they wouldn’t miss it too much…
Joon typically took me with him to visit his family, they were always welcoming but I couldn’t help but feel like an outsider no matter how many years we had been in a group together. Seeing the others interact with their families was hard. Especially since they were all soul mate pairings. For a long time, I wished for my soul mate, since a young age I dreamed of it, wanting him to come to save me from the cold grip that was on my brain. To make me feel something after treading water for so longer I was beginning to drown. My strength is gone.
You were able to connect with your soul mate once you turned twenty-one, but since it was becoming increasingly rare to find your soul mate the rate of meeting your soul mate dropped by fifty percent every year after your twenty-first birthday. At this point, we didn’t talk about it in the group, but we were all hopeful for the sweet soul mate to meet us. But with our oldest having turned twenty-one, international age, of course, it had been five years…severely dropping his chances to a little over three percent chance in finding his soul mate. None of us had, so we unanimously decided to not talk about it, though the youngest was just over a week away from turning twenty-one.
My apology was long, and drawn out, my heart spilled onto the page. I knew that they would never forgive me for this. But after giving my all for these last years I couldn’t suffer any longer no matter how selfish my actions were. I knew the group was strong and they would hold strong together as seven. Just like the fans want. They wanted seven, so it was in my power to grant them that seven.
My heart raced as I finished the letter, it was time. Time to end the struggle that I was facing. The words fueled the pain within me. Staring at the orange pill bottle in front of me, containing the miracle drug that helped me sleep at night. Years of insomnia weighed on me heavily, these pills became a part of my plan. I would be lying if I wasn’t familiar with it already, though this would hopefully be a successful first attempt, I wasn’t unfamiliar with the method I would be using. I had been hiding more and more secrets from them, how I managed to hide my cuts from the boys was beyond me. Easily going for more fleshy spots that they can’t see. Ones that would be covered up by whatever costumes that I was squeezed into. Hiding the stinging pain from all the stylists and makeup Unni’s had been a great skill of mine.
The least I could do was do it in the bathroom, nothing would be stained. It would be an easy clean up was all I thought. I didn’t think about who would be the one to find my bloodied body. I needed relief from the pain and that’s all I had left in me. The teaser photos sparked more hate online, many fans were unhappy with my body. Unhappy that I was in the group at all. Unhappy that my thighs touched. Unhappy that I wasn’t stick thin. Unhappy with my hair color. Unhappy with everything I did. My lyrics. My choreography was never enough. If my name was on it, it wasn’t good. But if it was strictly the work of the others it would be praised. Only cemented into my mind that I didn’t belong in this group no matter what I did.
I slipped into the bathtub fully clothed letting the cold water run onto my body not deserving of warm water. Fresh blades are ready at my disposal. One. Two. Three. Sweet relief washed over me as I watched the crimson contrast with my pale skin. It was clear to me that no matter what I wouldn’t ever be accepted in this world. Not by a family. Not by the world. It was the end. The end that I was wishing for. Four. Five. Six. The cuts stung, even more so under the water, holding back my his I continued to the point where I was going deeper and deeper. Going to the past the point of feeling lightheaded. I couldn’t stop myself as I felt the darkness take over me. Hoping and praying to not wake up again….
Namjoon’s Pov
Something felt off I couldn’t put my finger on it. We had a few days off between promotions, and set to pick them back up in two days. I had offered for Byeol to join me in visiting my parents as I did whenever I went to visit them. They always welcomed her with open arms as if she were their own daughter, but this time she insisted on being left at home while everyone went to visit their families. I felt uncomfortable leaving her alone like that for some reason but she was a grown woman, I didn’t have a say in her life. Maybe she just wanted some alone time after we worked so hard after these last moments.
RM: Byeol-ah I know you didn’t want to come over but did you want me to bring you some dinner? I know it’s late but I am wondering if you ate.
I stared at the containers on the counter of my childhood home’s kitchen. Ones that my mother insisted that I bring to Eun-Byeol since she wouldn’t be joining us for dinner. It wasn’t that late but a part of me wanted to check in on her, but also didn’t want to interrupt her alone time when we barely get that. Sure she had her own room in our dorm that didn’t mean we weren’t around each other all the time. Because we were, from dance practice to the studio to interviews everything was done together practically.
I checked my phone again. Nothing. No response. Maybe she was sleeping. I mean while it was late, it wasn’t that late in comparison to what we usually stayed up to. Only eight pm could be considered late for some but early for others. Maybe she was feeling exhausted. I couldn’t help myself but at least try to call, wanting to give her a home-cooked meal after all the late-night takeouts we had been having lately.
“This phone is turned off please leave a message after the beep,” was the answer I got when I called her phone. My heart sunk into my stomach, I wasn’t sure why but I knew that something was off. Byeol-ah never turned her phone off, always having some sort of addition to whatever social media app was drawing her attention at that time. Often making us wonder if she had some online lover to be that connected to her phone but that wouldn’t be possible. If she had any kind of partner we hoped to be the first ones to know about it. Obviously needing to vet who ever wanted to love our Byeol-ah.
“Eomma, I am going to bring this to Byeol-ah and then I will be right back. She hasn’t had dinner yet,” I popped my head into the living room where my parents were, not wanting to worry them about something that might not even be wrong. She could be asleep on the couch with a dead phone but I couldn’t risk it with the feeling I had.
“Oh yes, yes. Go feed her, I can’t believe she’s staying there alone when she has a place right here. Do you want Appa to drive you?,” Eomma huffed but waved me off with a promise to grab another container of banchan to take to Byeol-ah.
“No, I’ll just grab a taxi. I’ll be back soon,” I said wrapping up the containers and heading out to the waiting taxi. At this point, I was feeling nauseous and I wasn’t sure why. Something felt off and I couldn’t pinpoint it. I also couldn’t get through to her which was more agitating. Heading towards our home was luckily not too far, it was nice that my parents lived here in Seoul so I could see them often while the others had their families all over the country.
“Byeolie, I am home,” I called through the home hearing the shower running from the kitchen. She must just have been in the shower, it felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, and it must have been some weird fluke that something was wrong. I took my time putting the food away in the fridge and headed down the hallway towards the bathroom since I didn’t hear a response from her.
“Byeol-ah,” I called gently as I rapped my knuckles on the wooden door. No reply. Hmm. That is weird, I didn’t hear any music playing for her to not hear me over. I scrunched my nose, the weird feeling coming back as I took some steps towards her bedroom. Had she turned on the water and fallen asleep in her bedroom?
I frowned coming upon the open door to her bedroom, nope she wasn’t in there. Taking a few steps in I found her phone on her desk, since she wasn’t answering it was probably dead. So I thought I would take the liberty of plugging it in for her. Frowning something caught my eye. A red envelope. A chuckle ran through me, not just a red envelope but a maroon one just like her stage name. Maroon. She loved every sense of the color, always wanting to accent it somehow in our concepts but settling on it for her hair color so she could have it no matter what. But what caught my eye the most was that it was a letter addressed to BTS. Which was weird, was this fan mail? But in small print underneath it said the boys.
Letting my curiosity get the best of me I unfolded the crisp white paper within the maroon envelope. My eyes were immediately drawn to the obvious tear drops that were mudding up the words on the page. Her writing is nearly illegible as if it was written with haste. Then my heart fell to the ground as I took in her words.
To my boys,
I didn’t think that things would have ended this way but I think that my time has come. I have loved the memories that we have created together but I can not bare the hate. It’s too much knowing that my family doesn’t even want me, and neither do our fans. I wish you all the best in continuing as seven, just as the fans want.
My eyes find the empty pill bottle on the desk as well. Didn’t she just get a refill of those sleeping pills? There was no way…I didn’t finish the letter as I burst out of her bedroom pounding my fists against the door and calling her name as tears filled my eyes. Shoving her letter into my back pocket, my only thoughts were getting to her.
“Eun-Byeol-ah!”
No answer.
“Eun-Byeol-ah!”
No answer.
Fuck it. I guess we wouldn’t have a bathroom door anymore. I thought as I shoved my shoulder into the door nearly busting it off its hinges as I intended. With one more shot with my shoulder, I was sickened by the sight in front of me. Wood splinters sprayed all over the floor of the bathroom as I took in the scene. Her arm hung limp over the edge of the tub, blood dripping from her fingertips onto the white tiled floor. I couldn’t even process what I was doing until I was kneeling at the edge of the tub shocked by the sight.
“Eun-Byeol-ah!” I screamed shaking her limp body that did nothing to wake her up. She was bleeding from both arms, paler than anything I had ever seen. Her blood coated my palms as I cried out her name fishing for the phone in my pocket.
“Hello, I need you to come to the Villa apartments. I think my friend might be dead, Maybe an overdose,” I choked out my words as the emergency caller talked me through checking her pulse.
“She still has a pulse but I can barely feel it,” I cried into the phone, my chest tightening as I held her limp body against mine. How was I supposed to tell the others about this? How could I face them as a leader when one of our own wanted to end her life? I sobbed clutching her to me, not caring that my clothes were getting soaked by the cold water and her blood that didn’t even feel different from the water that rained over us. Her skin turning blue with the cold was enough for me to gather some semblance of thought.
Using all of my might I picked her up bringing her out to the couch where we had the most blankets, making sure not to get blinded by my own tears. I settled her on the couch as I held two towels on her wrists. I didn’t care if the couch got blood on it, we could buy another couch at that point. Her life mattered more as I cried. My heart broke as I looked at her tears pouring down my cheeks all I could think was that I failed her. Failed to see the signs. Failed to see that she was unhappy. I wanted to know what took her to this point.
“SIR, this is emergency services,” There was knocking on the door which I quickly answered as many EMTs entered our apartment. My heart raced as they went to her side.
“She c-cut h-her w-w-wrists too,” I stuttered, my composure was gone as I couldn’t take my eyes away from her cold body. This couldn’t be it. They had to save her they had to that was the only option. I don’t know what we would do without her, we certainly wouldn’t be BTS without her.
“Okay sir, we will do our best,” they said as one of them kept pressure on the wounds.
“Do you know what she took?” Another one of the EMTs asked looking around.
“Y-yes I think so,” I said running back to her room and grabbing the empty pill bottle. “I think she took these, but I don’t know how many. I believe that she probably took that whole bottle we only picked her refill up a few weeks ago,” I tried to keep myself calm but it wasn’t working as they rushed her out of the apartment while I was hot on their tales.
“Does she have a guardian that we can call?” The EMT asked as I got into the ambulance with them after they loaded her up and began giving her different medicines.
“I am her guardian, I should be able to answer most of your questions,” I said, my heart was racing I didn’t even know how to process anything at that moment. They had stopped the bleeding in her arms but I had no idea how much blood she had lost at that point.
“I need her birthday along with her blood type. No matter what she’s likely to need a blood transfusion. The faster I can tell the hospital the better so they can prepare,” The EMT asked as my knee began to shake.
“October 3rd, 1994, she is AB+,” I said my lip quivering as fresh tears flooded my eyes. Her blood was soaked into my clothes, drying to my skin as she laid in front of me. The sirens blaring in the back but all I could focus on was her pale face covered by an oxygen mask. I just hoped that no one would recognize us in this process, the last thing we needed was to get the media involved. I didn’t want the boys to find out from the news.
“Is she allergic to anything?” They asked as they put an IV into her hand, her forearms much too destroyed to place an IV.
“Yes, she’s allergic to adhesives, they make her skin break out in hives as well as Bananas. Her throat will swell shut,” I said nervously picking at my hands. Remembering the time that Kook-ah had offered his Noona a sip of his banana milk without telling her what it was led to a trip to the emergency room in the middle of practice. The poor fifteen-year-old thought that he had killed her and was distraught for months over the fact even if she reassured him over and over again. It was before we even knew of the allergy.
Even though he loves banana milk to this day he always makes sure that he drinks it really quickly so that he doesn’t have to worry about Byeol-ah accidentally coming along and taking a sip. Though she wouldn’t just drink out of an already open container I believe that that day was enough to scar him to the point where he wouldn’t even try to risk her accidentally drinking it. Even went to the point where he had it in the house to hide them in his room, specifically in a mini fridge that has a lock on it.
“Okay that is good to know,” the EMT said writing down everything that I was saying.
We pulled into the ambulance bay hoping out I kept my head low as they rushed off with Eun-Byeol. It felt as if my heart was going to break out of my ribcage as I watched in every direction trying not to draw attention to myself. Until a nurse had to physically stop me as she went through the sliding doors.
“Sir, you’re going to have to wait out here,” She said in a gentle tone, clearly seeing that I was distraught. I caught a flicker of recognition in her eyes as she connected the dots but she quickly schooled her expression gesturing over to some waiting chairs.
I didn’t even have it in me to respond, my throat closing up with grief. Had we lost her? Did I get there fast enough? Would she live? Even though they were going to hate me for this later I had to tell the boys in a text, the fear of one of them finding out over the TV was too high. I felt like an utter shitbag for telling them that their group member’s life was hanging on by a thread. That the last time they saw her alive was likely to be the last time they saw her sing, dance everything.
RM: It’s Eun-Byeol, come back to Seoul as soon as you can.
Jiminie: Hyung, what’s going on with Noona?
Taetae: Is Noona okay?
WWH: Namjoon-ah what’s going on!?
The messages began flooding in my heart breaking as I could feel their worry through the text messages.
YOONGI: Is everything okay? What’s going on? Why isn’t Byeol-ah answering her phone?
Kookie: Noona isn’t answering her phone? What’s going on Hyung?
Hobi: I am on my way.
As a fellow 94 liner the last one didn’t even question it, he always worried about her. I mean we all did, especially knowing what a hard time growing up she had. But we didn’t think it was to this point. Had they missed something? Missed the signs that she was screaming for help. Did we miss her crying out to us? Did we not pay enough attention to her lyrics?
RM: Our Byeol-ah…she tried to commit suicide. We are at Asan Medical Center.
That was all I said as the group chat began to blow up with messages that they were on their way. Along with more questions, he didn’t even know how to answer. I knew that something had leaked to the media as my phone began to blow up with different messages from staff, my phone ringing off the hook knowing that if the media had a scoop they would bother the company nonstop for some kind of word on what the hell was going on. I couldn’t even think of that at the moment; my mind was focused only on Eun-Byeol. How did I not see the signs?
“Namjoon-ah!” I heard my name being called from the hallway my brain exhausted and worried that it would be a fan or literally anyone other than my brothers. But looking up I saw the oldest racing towards me, how did he get here so fast…or did time really pass that quickly I was lost in thought.
“Hyung,” My voice cracked, lip quivering as Jun-hyung took in my appearance. Covered in her blood I must have looked insane, his eyes were red, clearly must have been crying in the car. His face was marred with confusion as if he couldn’t believe what I sent in the group chat.
“Where is Byeol-ah?” was his first question looking past me as if that would give him the answers that he needed. His phone rang which he looked at quickly and then put away.
“They took her…I don’t know if she will make it hyung,” I choked on a sob as Jin used his body to shield my crumbling form from the onlookers. Whispers were obvious, then the phones began when their eyes made it past the blood realizing who we were. My stomach filled with dread, the one time that I hated our fame, wishing for privacy. Wishing not to be photographed during this moment.
“What is going on? What do you mean that she tried to kill herself?” Confusion was on his face as if he refused to believe that she would do this to herself. His phone ringing once again had a frown setting onto his face, he must be ignoring our managers as well. I knew that they would be bothering all of us but I didn’t want to explain this situation until I knew if she was still alive or not.
“I brought her dinner from my parents, but she wasn’t answering her phone when I got home I heard the shower on so I thought that’s why she didn’t answer the phone. When I checked her room to see if she was in there first I found her phone on her desk but when I went to plug it in I found this letter addressed to us…” I choked on many of the words as I sat up slightly to pull the letter out of my pocket. Handing it over to the oldest member as he began to read the words that broke my heart. “The pill bottle of her sleeping medicine was empty too. I had to break down the bathroom door to get to her. She was covered in her own blood in the bathtub.”
“How could we have missed that she was feeling this way?” He whispered tears falling from his eyes his thumb gently running over the dried tear prints that were on the page. Still slightly damp from her own tears.
“I am sorry,” I cried feeling as if I had failed all of us. I didn’t see the signs, I didn’t even know if I had gotten to her on time. How did we not see that she was feeling this way?
“She’s gonna be okay, she has to be there is no way that she’s not,” Jin said swallowing his tears as if he refused to believe what was going on.
“Excuse me,” a voice came from Jin-hyung's other side. Luckily, it was just a nurse as we turned to her as I tried to wipe the tears from my face.
“Yes, ma’am,” Jin was the one to take the lead, as the leader I should be the one but I couldn’t all I could think of was Eun-Byeol’s lifeless body in the tub.
“We can move you to a private waiting area until we get more information for you. It seems to be drawing a crowd that you are here,” it was the same nurse from earlier who told me that I couldn’t go back with Byeol. She looked over her shoulder where there was already a crowd of people taking pictures of us from afar. My stomach revolted at the sight, we weren’t here for a photo op. Why were these people taking pictures of us when I was clearly covered in someone’s blood?
“Please, our other members are on their way as well. Please have them directed to us when they get here. Or to her room if she has one by the time they get here,” Jin-hyung said as he helped me up from the seat, I don’t know how he was so calm at the moment. Maybe he was just able to do that since he could see the state I was in.
“Right this way,” the nurse then turned to face the crowd an angry look on her face. “If any of you dare to follow these men anywhere in the hospital security will be called immediately,” She all but screamed at the people before directing us away from the crowd. Who was this woman? A savior? It was clear that she had recognized me when I came running in with Byeol.
“Here these rooms will have more privacy and limited access. I will add your members to the list of approved visitors. Is there anyone else that you want to add right now? Her family?” The nurse brought us to a VIP room explaining that she would likely be brought up here to us to ensure there was no one trying to take pictures of her in the state that she was in.
“We are her family, just us for now,” Hyung stated, his phone ringing once again his body relaxing which meant it was likely one of our members and not anyone from the company, I had put my phone on silent at this point. I didn’t have the ability to respond to anyone's messages in my state.
“Do you know anything about her condition?” A lump formed in my throat as my hands shook. “Is she still alive?”
“I don’t know…” Her eyes were full of sadness as she tried to hold her real emotions in. “I will try to get you information as quickly as I can but I am not on her team so I can only do so much,” She said softly before leaving with a bow.
“I am with Namjoon-ah right now, we haven’t heard anything yet. You two just focus on getting here safely,” Jin-hyungs calm demeanor must be trying to calm the panicked maknaes. “Be safe Kook-ah, she will be alright.”
He said that as if it was a fact but we didn’t know if she would be alright. She could be dead at this point and no one had told us yet. I found the first place to sit down. Slumping down on the couch my head pounding. Did we not do enough to protect her from the interviewers? Did the words get to her too much? It wasn’t a secret that the industry always picked on Eun-Byeol for being the only woman in a group full of men. There was constant scrutiny that she wasn’t good enough to be with us. That there shouldn't be a woman in a group of men. More often than not intrusive questions asking if she was romantically involved with any of us.
There weren’t any romantic feelings going on with any of us, early in our career there was at least a point where each one of us had some sort of crush on Byeol-ah. It was hard not to when she was this musical powerhouse. Her dance moves drew you in, and with the extended time that we spent together it was no surprise that we developed feelings though the seven of us decided that it was best not to pursue those feelings for the sake of the band. We also didn’t know about our soul mates out there either, but something always drew us to her. It was a shame that the world didn’t recognize her work. I thought that we did our best to put those haters to rest but it was clear we didn’t do a good enough job.
“Namjoon-ah, you should clean up. She wouldn’t want to see you like this,” Jin said with red-rimmed eyes, I could tell that he was holding his tears back. I could tell that he was trying to be the one who remained strong when I as the leader couldn’t but she was one of our members. I wouldn’t expect any of them to stay strong at this point. She could be dead at this point for all we know.
“I can’t what if this is the last I have of her,” I choked on a sob, my eyes locking into the blood on my hands. The hands that could have held her during her last moments.
“Namjoon-ah, this won’t be the last we see of her,” He was adamant, holding her letter in his hands.
“But we don’t know that,” I sobbed thinking of all the memories that we had together. The years we spent making music together were something I wanted to spend many more. She was too young, too young.
He didn’t say anything after that as he sat next to me putting an arm around my shoulder. My heart was breaking as we cried together, time passed by slowly with no updates on her condition it was as if they had forgotten that there were people waiting for her somewhere. She wasn’t alone in this world. We would never abandon her as her biological family did.
We missed the signs there were two sides to her, the one that was off stage, the one that would be in interviews and things. Then there was Maroon her stage name, when she was Maroon on stage she glowed like the stars in the sky. Ever so bright singing and cheering with our fans, putting everything into the dances for them. Making sure to create everlasting memories for them, knowing that they had spent their hard-earned money to support and see us. Her name evoked the passion that she had for the music, keeping maroon hair was her signature look no matter the concept of our albums.
“Hyung, Namjoon-ah,” A voice came panicked through the doorway causing us to look up to find Hoseok standing there. His eyes were red just like ours, searching the room for our beloved member who wasn’t with us. “Where is she? Is she okay?”
“She isn’t okay,” I sobbed breaking down once again. “It’s bad Hobi, she was barely alive when I found her,” I cried recanting the moment I found her to him. It was burned into my brain forever, something that I would never be able to forget to my dying days.
“There’s no way she would do that, she may be quiet but she wasn’t depressed,” He said clearly in denial like the rest of us were. “She would have told us, she would have asked for help,” That was until Hyung handed him the tear-stained letter. Hoseok fell to his knees, his lip quivering as he read her words. “This can’t be…” He sobbed clutching the letter to his chest.
“They haven’t told us anything yet, we don’t even know if she’s alive,” I sobbed once more knowing that I was likely going to lose my voice.
“She has to be, otherwise they would have told us already,” Jin said adamantly.
No one said anything as fresh tears rolled down our cheeks it was all we could think about. She had been suffering in silence, wondering why she didn’t come to us. Wondering if it was our fault for not sticking up for her enough. Wondering if we could have done more to prevent this from happening. Hours felt like they passed by as the remaining for made it to the hospital, each one looking more distraught than the other.
“Where’s Noona?” was the first thing that Jungkook asked as he entered the room, his eyes frantically searching for her in the room with us. But they hadn’t brought her back yet, they hadn’t even said a word to us about her condition. “Hyung why are you covered in blood?” His eyes were bloodshot as he took me in, I hadn’t cleaned up still faced with the fear that this was the last that I had of her.
I didn’t have it in me to tell the story another time so Jin-hyung took over to explain what had happened. Kookie fell to the floor in sobs as the others read the letter that she had left for us.
“Why did Noona do this? Doesn’t she know how much we love her?” Jimin-ah cried holding onto the youngest that sobbed in his arms. Kookie took the letter from Yoongi clutching it to his chest without even reading the words that she left us as he let out more sobs.
“Was she really getting this much hate?” Taehyung sobbed the words of her letter must have been playing on repeat as they did in my mind. It made me think of every time I must have not defended her enough. Had we been too lax about the comments? We should have been harsher with those haters…I didn’t think it would ever come to this.
“Doctor,” Jin-hyung perked up causing us to turn to find a man standing in the doorway. “Can you tell us about her condition?”
“Please tell me that my Noona is okay,” Kookie rushed out of the group nearly falling to his knees in front of the doctor. Clearly begging for some semblance of good news.
“She’s alive,” the doctor began as our shoulders relaxed at his words, tears of relief springing up in my eyes. “For now, she’s in a really fragile state at this point. We pumped her stomach of the medication though we aren’t sure how much actually got dissolved into her bloodstream. We are hoping that due to the blood transfusion, will help her metabolize the remaining medicine. But at this point it is up to her body if it wants to come back to us,” He explained, our shoulders sagging with the news that she still wasn’t okay. I mean how could she be after the state that I had found her in?
“They are on their way with her right now, I just wanted to give you a heads up. I didn’t want you to be shocked by the state that she is in. We have stitched up her arms the best that we could and that’s why it took so long. Knowing she’s an idol we brought in a plastic surgeon to do the stitches but she will likely be left with scars,” He explained before saying that he would be on his way.
My head fell into my hands once again, millions of thoughts running through my brain I couldn’t help but think what would have happened if I was just a minute too late. If had read that whole letter instead of going straight to her in the bathroom. My heart thudded against my sternum the opening of the door brought my head out of my hands as two nurses brought in Byeol-ah on a bed. She had tons of tubes attached to her and a mask over her face.
“Noona!” Kookie exclaimed going to bed but Yoongi held the young man back.
“Let them get her situated and then you can go to her,” He said gently as Jung Kook fought to be let go but ultimately relaxed though his eyes never left her body. From here she looked just as pale as when I took her out of the shower. The state she was in broke my heart into a million pieces.
Jin went over to help the nurses with transferring Eun-Byeol into the bed, Jimin clutched onto Hobi’s arm while he watched over his shoulder. It was like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing at the moment. Still shocked by the state that I was in when he entered the room was the only thing that seemed to get his attention. That he only believed that she had tried just because of the state that I was in. If I hadn’t been covered in her blood I felt as if he would have questioned it, denied that she would do something like this.
Once she was settled into the bed Kookie was right by her side all but climbing into the bed with her. I knew he would if there wasn’t a chance of us telling him not to. But I could see that he wanted to as he got on his knees by the side of her bed clutching one of her hands in his as he sobbed.
“I am so sorry Noona,” He cried apologizing over and over again holding her hand to his face.
Phones began ringing again as I looked around to see who it was since I had put it on silent. Now that I could see her in front of me I knew that it was safe for me to check my phone. There was a pit in my stomach knowing I would need to tell the story to our team, they would have to release something to the media to get them to leave us the fuck alone.
“Hello?” Yoongi answered his phone, I could almost hear the person on the other line shouting through it as he pulled the phone away from his ear at how loud the other person was. I scrolled through my phone panicked texts from everyone we knew wondering about her condition, at this point, I needed to call my mother she likely heard on the news what happened.
“She’s alive as of now, things are still touch and go. But they say she’s stable right now,” He sighed into the phone pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.
Jimin and Tae rushed to the other side of her while the four oldest of us watched the maknaes gather around their Noona. I hated seeing the looks on their faces, it felt as if I could have prevented this from happening if I had just been a better leader. If I had just told those anti-fans to just fuck off in the first place. But now things were different things were personal their actions would have consequences. And I didn’t care how much money I would have to spend to take down the people who lead to the near death of one of my members.
“We believe that it was an attempted suicide, not an assault. Namjoon found the letter that she left for us with the clear intent that she didn’t want to be in this world anymore. It seems to stem from the hate that she has been receiving. We don’t even know if she’s going to make it through the night at this point,” Yoongi answered the questions likely of our manager.
Just as they were talking my phone began vibrating looking down I saw that it was my mother which had me finding a quiet corner to answer her in.
“Hello?”
“Oh Joon-ah please tell me it’s not true. Please tell me that what I am seeing on the news isn’t true. You were supposed to bring Eun-Byeol-ah to dinner with us,” She cried through the phone.
“She’s alive Eomma, we will get her the help that she needs, don’t worry,” My heart broke, I even felt like I was lying since I didn’t know if she would live through the night. But telling my mother that wouldn’t help anyone. She would spend all night worrying demanding that she would need to come to the hospital to take care of Byeol-ah herself.
“Are you at the hospital with her?” She asked sniffling.
“Yes, we are all with her, she isn’t alone,” I said gently wanting to stress that she wasn’t alone. There wasn’t a day that Eomma didn’t worry about Byeol-ah, ever since she found out that Eun-Byeol’s mother abandoned her essentially and that she practically didn’t have any family it was as if she had adopted her as her own daughter.
“Why did she do that Joon-ah? She has such an amazing life with all of you. Why would she want to give that up?” Her questions began breaking me down to the core because honestly, I didn’t really know the answer. I had assumptions based on what she wrote but how could I really know why she did that unless she told me that herself?
“I can’t answer that Eomma, I am not Eun-Byeol. But we will take better care of her from now on,” I didn’t think we would ever be comfortable leaving her alone ever again.
“Take care of her Joon-ah, she only has you guys,” She reminded me. That comment ate at me. What if one day we all got our soul mates but her, would she be left alone? We couldn’t all be with her so it wouldn’t be fair to our soul mates to need to be babysitting a grown woman all the time. But how I felt before was likely a thought that we were all having. That we wouldn’t want to leave her alone ever again.
If I hadn’t gotten there in time we would have come back to her deceased body. The thought sent chills down my spine.
JungKook’s Pov
“Noona,” I called softly. She wasn’t waking as I held her hand close to my face ignoring the blood that stained her palms. I couldn’t understand why she did this to herself. Why didn’t we know that she was this sad? Why did she want to leave us?
“Here do you want to clean Byeol-ah up?” Yoongi’s voice came from behind me where he held a bowl of water and a rag. I couldn’t say anything other than Noona at this point being here with her hurt. It reminded me of the time when she accidentally drank my banana milk and went into anaphylaxis. Rushing her to the hospital was terrifying.
Looking up at Namjoon-hyung it was more terrifying, if he wasn’t covered in her blood I could probably convince myself that it was an accident. Maybe she accidentally took too many sleeping pills but the evidence was on his skin, his clothes, his hair. But no the bandages going up to her forearms told me otherwise, there was no accident. It was intentional. Tears leaked from my eyes as I gently brushed the towel over her palm the oxidizing blood transferring to the white fibers of the towel. It might have been the most gentle I had ever been, soon her palm was clean of the blood. Looking over her torso I saw that Jimin and Tae were doing the same thing. Jimin held the warm rag to her forehead where there were many blood droplets likely from being moved around by Hyung and the EMTs.
“Noona,” I whimpered looking at her pale face, the way her eyelashes kissed the top of her cheeks used to make my heart flutter. But all I wanted at that moment was for her to open her eyes and tell me that she was going to be okay. To tell me that she would never try to leave us this way. I could understand that the band was hard, being an idol was hard. But we didn’t want her to leave the world, we wanted her in our lives no matter how selfish it was. We wanted her by our sides.
We had a comeback in just a few days I didn’t know what that would mean for us. Would we perform without her? Would we not promote this album? I didn’t know any of the answers, my heart ached. Was she in pain? The three of us cried around our Noona while the older four were answering phone calls and trying to take care of the situation. But not once did they leave the room, I think we all felt as if we let her out of our sight now it would be the last time we saw her alive.
My heart ached for her thinking back to the many days that we spent together over the years. The way she took care of me when I was missing my family, always ensuring that I had a home-cooked meal of some sort even if it was just something fancied up from the convenience store. She never faltered with any of us often favoring us younger guys. Which we loved, though a lot of the time it was a competition for her attention. The three of us ended up having a crush on her at the same time a few years ago until the older ones sat us down and explained that they too had a crush on her in the past but that it was better for the team if we didn’t pursue those feelings. So we didn’t, though it was hard to let go. It sometimes felt as if I never let go of her, especially after nearly losing her, I knew that those feelings were still very much present.
“Alright everyone, we will still have to perform on the shows that we have booked but there will not be a release day live,” Namjoon announced after getting off the phone. I could tell from the tone of his voice that he was not happy about this decision either. My heart sank into my feet how were we supposed to perform our new music without Noona with us? That just wouldn’t work, the parts would need to be covered. None of us were in the emotional state to be smiling in front of fans.
I could see it going multiple ways the haters being happy that it is the seven of us along with our real fans being upset that we are being forced to perform afterwards. It was bullshit that we had to be doing these promotions in only two days.
“Noona,” I begged holding her hand close to my face and resting it on my forehead. Even if she were to wake up now she would be in no state to perform in two days, not that we would even let her if she was. This was too big of a thing to just sweep under the rug.
Yoongi’s POV
It had been nearly a week since Byeol-ah had tried to kill herself and there wasn’t much progress much to our dismay. We somehow made it through the beginning of our promotions, but doing shows without Eun-Byeol was awful, her presence on stage was surely missed, she just brought an energy that none of us could replicate. Something that was a favorite among fans. Then there were the questions from all the interviewers that we hadn’t recorded for yet. Which was hellish, because I knew they all wanted to ask but we refused making sure it was written that we would walk out if they even tried to talk about Byeol’s condition.
We knew were worrying fans since we weren’t giving updates on her condition but we didn’t really want to not wanting the people who dragged her down to this level to learn anything about it. Not while we were trying to find the culprits. That wasn’t as hard though, our Byeol-ah seemed to have a majority of it on her phone, from different screenshots to user names. It was as if she was logging all of it for some kind of major lawsuit. Or she was using it as her own personal torture device. Reading comments like that was never good for your mind.
Taking Jung-kook out of the hospital with us was the hardest, he wanted to stay with his Noona no matter what and hated that we were performing without her. It was only the fact that he was contractually obligated to be on that stage was the only reason he was there and it was clear on his face. It was already going around online about how pissed off he looked during the title performance, I didn’t blame him, we didn’t know if we were performing in front of people that supported all of us or the ones that could have been behind those vile comments that we had found on her phone.
Our real fans seemed to have taken it personally and begun sleuthing through the Internet and finding people who have said harsh things about Byeol-ah even to the point where they were blasting these people's user names on the outsides of trucks and having the trucks parked outside our company. Even though we didn’t mention anything about what caused this to happen the fans had put two and two together. It wasn’t a surprise that they did with the way we had been treated during interviews before. They never wanted to ask Eun-Byeol questions even though she helped with a lot of the lyrics and choreography that we did. She was a key player in this game though her efforts got denied due to the fact that she was a woman in a group with seven men.
Even if the interviewers were to ask her a question it would be something that was completely inappropriate and irrelevant to why we were there in the first place. From asking if she was dating any of us or commenting that some of our moves were a bit too vulgar for a woman to be performing even if those moves were the ones that she created. The company wanted to say something but we wanted no part of whatever they said, we had so many people on our social media team and no one caught the comments people were making about her. It blew my mind that they didn’t even try to acknowledge that they just didn’t pay enough attention to what the fans were saying but only what we were saying to the fans. It was as if I had lost my trust.
I didn’t think I could even trust the fans at this point worried that I would run into one of them that had said the horrific comments about our Byeolie. She was part of the team and the team wasn’t a team without her there was no questioning it. She was just as much a part as everyone else did. She played her role as we all did. It was frustrating to not see her hard work recognized. It broke my heart knowing that we didn’t know if she was even going to wake up. There was no change in her status, it was as if her body didn’t want to fight for it’s life anymore. Not only did her brain give up her body wanted to give up as well.
We were all gathered in her hospital room waiting just waiting for some sort of confirmation on if she was getting better. They had told Joonie that they had done some more labs to see where she was at. She shouldn’t have been asleep this long, that she wasn’t in any kind of medically induced coma, but I guess a real coma at this point. My heart skipped a beat as I watched the hospital room door slide open, a man in a white coat revealed himself, her doctor. We all sat up straighter as he came into the room, the look on his face made it seem that it wasn’t good news.
“I forgot to ask about this because I assumed that if she did they would have shown up by now, but does Eun-Byeol have a soul mate? I just got her lab results back and it seems like her body is shutting itself down. If her soul mate could get here it would be the only way to help prolong her life and give her body the will to live. It has given up,” The doctor explained seemingly looking around for any new faces in the sea of men in the woman's hospital room.
“Not that we know of, sir,” Namjoon spoke up, his head dropping into his hands.
“What happens if she doesn’t get her soul mate?” Kookie perked up worry written all over his face as he clutched Byeol’s hand to his chest.
“I would prepare for the worst of her not making it, her body is beginning to shut down. Only the touch from a soul mate would be able to make her want to live again. The body doesn’t want to live, usually, you don’t see this unless the person is in deep depression. I’d suspect this has been going on for years,” The doctor explained.
That felt like a punch to the gut, years she had been suffering…years. Not months, not days but years. My eyes ached from all the tears I had shed in the last week, it was clear she wasn’t getting better Kookie let out an audible gasp as he clutched her hand tighter to him. Every time he was in there her hand was in his, he refused to leave the spot to the point we put a chair there so that he wasn’t constantly kneeling by her side. Tears rolled down his cheeks taking his makeup with it, he didn’t even want the makeup Noona to take off any of the days demanding that he needed to be at the hospital with his Noona.
“H-how long does Noona have?” Jimin stuttered with watery eyes his lip jutted out the skin had been ripped up from where he had been biting it out of anxiousness. Jin-hyung and Namjoon sat on the couch with their heads in their hands, I knew how they both felt, they both felt like failures for not noticing. We all did, how did we not notice the pain that she was in? She hid it so well that we didn’t notice a change in her mood especially with her being a naturally quiet person off stage.
“I would say to till maybe the 1st,” He adjusted his glasses as Kookie broke into sobs, finding out that someone important to you was likely to pass on your birthday was hard enough to hear. Especially when that day was only days away. Tears rolled down his cheeks as Taehyung ran to his side clutching the young man in his arms as they both cried together. Kook’s hand clasped around his Noona’s, I had never seen her so pale before, so broken, so different from the woman that I thought I knew.
“Thank you, doctor,” I heard Jin’s voice shutter as the doctor left, everyone was in tears. We didn’t know her soul mate. And the likelihood of finding them would be nearly impossible, there was no way we could convince random people to come figure out if they were her soul mate. Especially when it had been three, nearly four years since she had turned twenty-one. I was at a loss for words, would we really have to say goodbye to our precious member?
The only thing in the room that we could hear was our sobs and the soothing sounds of Byeol’s heart monitor. The continuous beeping would be annoying to some but it let us know that she was still alive her heart was still beating.
__________________________________________________________________________
August 31st 2018
Jin’s POV
Eun-Byeol’s heart beeped rhythmically in the background of the hospital room while I unboxed the cake, knowing the birthday boy wouldn’t be leaving his Noona’s side this was my only option. Even if this was her last day I wouldn’t stop celebrating the youngest birthday, it would be what she wanted anyway. If she were awake now she would be scolding me for putting the candles too close together, that if they weren’t even enough Kookie’s wish wouldn’t come true.
“Move that one to the left, Noona will be mad if they aren’t perfect for her maknae,” Jimin’s voice came over my shoulder taking up his Noona’s role in ensuring the cake was perfect.
“I know, I know,” I quipped rolling my eyes at the man even though it was annoying I knew it was right. This could be his last birthday with his Noona, so the least I could do was make sure the candles were perfectly spaced.
“Hyung I told you I didn’t want to celebrate this year,” Kookie whined from the other side of the hospital room, we were only minutes away from his 21st birthday a big one. He would be able to find his soul mate in just a few minutes. We were all gathered around as Kook-ah stayed by Eun-Byeol’s side still gripping her hand in his.
Namjoon had moved the hospital bed table over Byeol’s body so that she could be involved, even if she wasn’t awake, with us. We all gathered around the bed with the candles lit the room dark. The only light coming from the lit candles upon the cake, she worried that her heart might stop in the middle of singing him a happy birthday, but it still kept rhythmically beeping. I took a deep breath, setting the cake on the table as we watched the clock ticking down the seconds to Kook’s birthday. My heart was racing as the numbers changed. At the end of the song, Jung Kook blew out the candles, letting the room fall into darkness as our eyes immediately zeroed in on the heart monitor.
“Kook-ah, I thought you blew out the candles, where is that light coming from?” Hobi’s voice spoke up out of the silence, causing us to look around, confused about where this glowing was coming from near the cake.
“What the fuck?” was what I heard as we pulled the hospital table away from the bed to find where Jung-kook held Byeolie’s hand in his, both of their hands were glowing as gold tendrils climbed up their arms.
“Daebak,” Hobi gasped as we all came to understand what was going on.
“What? What’s going on?” Jung Kook looked around worriedly at all of us with bright smiles on our faces, it was hope. Hope that she is okay.
“Jung Kookie, you did it, you’re Noona’s soul mate!” Taehyung exclaimed as everyone admired the glowing hands, relief setting into our bodies that we weren’t going to lose her.
Right?