Chapter Text
Your arms wrapped around yourself as you laid on the bed. You couldn't open your mouth, because you knew others would hear you, but you could still feel the wails in your throat, clawing at your lips, tickling your lungs, trying to break free. Tears threatened to form, but you forced them back. No one needed to hear you sobbing...No one needed to hear you hurting. You didn't want questions. You didn't want suspicion. You didn't want anyone to know. You didn't want to have to explain.
This happened all the time, anyway. You were used to this. Used to fighting and struggling to contain this chest-bursting pain, the tight dryness in your throat and the aching in your bones. You'd grown accustomed to long nights trying to wait until you were sure everyone was asleep so you could cry silently without risk of being walked in on. You knew far too well the stinging on your skin and the wetness on your pillow, and the cold numbness left behind once you were finished.
You'd been through this. Same order. Same process. Almost every night. Sometimes it was because of a bad day, sometimes because of your family, but most of the time, it was because of nothing at all.
Sometimes you could be happy. But most of the time there was a fog in your head and an ache in your heart, and sometimes you could swear you were being pulled under, struggling to move, while others swam effortlessly and moved without weights holding them down. It was like you alone carried the rocks in your chest. Every once in a while you'd be certain if you tried to open your chest, you'd see a black hole, or no heart at all, you felt so empty inside.
Nothing seemed to help for long, either. Even death didn't always look so pretty to you. Sleep didn't work anymore. Sleep was a wonderful reprieve and God you wish you could sleep forever, but that wasn't an option.
But you always felt it. That ache. That longing, the indescribable pain that wrapped around your soul and gripped it tight and sucked the life out of you.
Why did you have to fight so hard? Why you? Why nobody else?
All the same, most days you could get through.
Tonight however, was one of the more rough nights. You clung to your sheets, clawing at them, biting your lip and keeping your eyes firmly closed. Deep breaths. If you tried hard enough the tears wouldn't come until you let them. Which, glancing at the clock, you had a long while before you'd be able to cry in peace.
A loud sigh blew from your nose and you buried your face in your blankets. If only something would come and take you far far away from here...Far away from this pain, away from this constant struggle...
In a desperate moment, you screamed into your blankets. Your soul felt like it was crying, screaming, reaching out for any kind of release. It shouted into the silence, into whatever abyss you lived in, for something to come lift your sorrows so you could just breathe...
You just wanted it to stop. Just for a while. Just a little bit. You just wanted the pain to stop.
((I hear you.))
You'd never gotten a response like that before. Normally, the voice in your head would say 'how pathetic' or 'crying won't do you any good' and 'why struggle?' You never heard anything in your head say something like that, and definitely not in that masculine voice. You paused. The voice went away. Slowly you began to slink back into your fetal position, feeling the tears brim.
((I can feel your pain.))
Who was that? Where did this voice come from? Was it your long lost conscience finally coming to you? Or were you so delirious that you'd developed voices in your head? Were you finally going crazy? You ignored it until it spoke again.
((Why do you hurt so much, human?))
Whoever it was, it wanted your attention. "I just do," you muttered. You didn't get a response so you figured it didn't hear you. If it was coming from outside your body, anyway. So, sighing, you thought, 'I just...do.'
((Can anything be done?))
Your inner voice sounded bitter. 'No. Nothing helps. Nothing ever helps.'
((May I try?))
Whatever it was, a voice in your head or not, you hoped it wasn't malevolent. 'Yeah, go for it,' you mentally said carelessly.
((Wait for me.))
What did that mean? The voice went away. You waited, and waited, but it never came back. Sighing you looked at the clock. You could cry now. But you were too tired and too bitter to do it. So you rolled over, pulling your covers up over you. You didn't change out of your day clothes but you didn't care. You didn't want to move.
Slowly time passed. You kept your eyes closed, trying to fall asleep. The more you waited the more frustrated you got, the more your worries came back to you. Things you'd worried about for years, even though they were long over. Things you worried others thought of you. Things you knew were coming up in your future that you imagined could go wrong. As your mind wandered down its usual stressing path, you began to feel yourself slip into a more calm state, somewhere between awake and asleep. Your body felt comfortable, wrapped up in this position. The worrying thoughts changed to images of movies and book scenes you'd seen, replaying them as your mind quieted down. While your body and mind settled, the ache still remained, though not as prominent as before.
Just as you began to fall away to sleep, the voice returned.
((I'm coming.))
It startled you out of your trance. You didn't move or stir - you were warm and didn't want to feel cold. But you still worried. Who was coming? What were they going to do?
((Relax...))
The voice was comforting. It was then that you realized the voice wasn't audible - it spoke in emotions, sensations, and meanings of words, not the words themselves. Yet somehow it seemed masculine in nature, and was gentle, soothing, as if its tone was an elixir that healed your wounds. You felt your aching chest begin to soften, and your body relaxed, your muscles loosening up. It may have been moments, but it felt like seconds, as you slowly felt more and more at ease. Your mind left reality and you floated in an empty space, no longer feeling the blankets, the bed, or the touch of your clothes. Nothing touched you, and you touched nothing. Without meaning to, you'd managed to float into a weightless emptiness, where nothing was there. It almost seemed you had no body at all, or didn't physically live in any world, just in this emptiness. Where were you? Surely you were still in your bed, sleeping. Or dreaming. If this was a dream it was a really odd dream. Were you lucid dreaming?
((Come to me.))
The voice surrounded you. It didn't boom or echo, but resonated in the air around you, like a chorus standing around you and speaking all at once with the same voice. The sensation of being watched made you uneasy.
'Who are you?' you asked into the emptiness.
((Can you not see me?))
'No.'
Suddenly you felt something begin to form in front of you. Was it in front of you? Or everywhere? You couldn't tell. The sense of something growing in size, beginning to tower over you, filled you with dread. The feeling was similar to having your eyes closed and standing in front of a tall building. You knew it was there, above you, but had no idea how close, or how wide, or how high the building may be.
((Can you see me?))
'Kind of...' you answered. 'But I still can't...see you.'
((I see. Follow me.))
Something brushed your hand. You flinched it away. Even in the blackness of this void you resided in, you somehow had a body - not your physical one, but a virtual one, one that existed only in this place, outside your body.
((Don't worry human. I will not harm you,)) the voice spoke.
'Where are you going to take me?' you asked. 'Who are you?'
The voice paused. ((My name is Gaster. Where I came from, before this time, that is what I went by. But now I am long forgotten. Don't worry human...I don't have any reason to harm you. Instead, I wish to help you.))
'How?' you asked. Gaster sounded like a demonic name so you were still suspicious.
((I wish to take you to see the stars.))
The stars...? 'Haven't I seen the stars before?'
((Not this close. Come, let me guide you. I'll take you to my favorite spot.))
Your hand reached out. You couldn't see your hand but you assumed it was extended outwards from you. A gentle touch caressed your palm, and you felt a larger hand take yours, holding it tenderly. The hand felt bony, like a skeleton's, with a smooth surface and dented joints. Was this the grim reaper, taking your soul away? Well you'd hoped to pass on sooner or later but you'd wanted to try and wait a little longer.
'Can...Can I say goodbye, first?' you asked sheepishly.
The voice laughed. It was a kind laugh, full of warmth. ((You are not going to die, human! You'll return back to the physical world soon. I promise you.))
This all still seemed so sketchy, but you didn't really know how to navigate this strange space by yourself, so even if you rejected, what were you going to do? Float for all eternity? Or wake up from this strange dream. Hopefully.
You both moved on, not quite stepping, but floating into no known direction except straight. You didn't feel like you waited long before you began to notice tiny specks float by you. They were small, barely the size of a pin head. You wanted to stare at them, but the strange voice figure led you on. The further you both went, the more the specks appeared. Some floated by beneath your feet, some went over your head, and some danced as they passed by your left and right.
'What are these things, Gaster...?' you asked, fascinated.
((These are stars.))
What... 'But stars are way bigger than this!' you cried, staring at one of them as it went by.
((And now you are bigger than them. Far bigger.)) You looked in his general direction in confusion. ((There is no size or time here, human. Only what exists, and no longer exists. You can be any size here. The limits you'd find in the physical world do not apply here.))
'...So if I wanted...I could fold a chair in on itself?'
((In this place, yes.))
Whoa. 'What is this place?' you inquired curiously.
((This is a plane of existence physical objects and beings cannot go to. It is impossible. You'd have to change your vibrations, and even then, you would no longer be physical.))
'So how are we here, then?'
((Because your soul can come here. Your soul does not exist on just a physical level - it resonates across all spectra of the planes of existence, able to jump between them and even exist in multiples of them.))
'How?' You were curious now. Confused, but curious. 'Sorry if I keep asking questions.'
((No worries, human. This kind of information is new to your species. As strictly physical beings, you have never explored this side of reality and un-reality. You have never needed to. ...Well, long ago, your species did. But they've devolved from that time. Now your species lives in the physical realm completely, ignorant of this place.))
'Is this...the afterlife?'
((No, no!)) He laughed. ((No, not at all. This is simply a layer of our world that can only be accessed through our souls. The vibrations needed to exist here are on such a high level, physical things cannot breach the barriers of reality to come here. But our souls are multi-vibrational, and like stars, vibrate at almost all frequencies - meaning, like stars, our souls are capable of going between worlds. It never has to slow or speed up to do this, but simply shift.))
'So...what I am right now, is my soul?' ((An avatar of it, yes.)) 'Avatar?' ((Projection.)) 'Oh...'
So much for being an element bender. 'So let me try this...My soul exists on more than one reality, and my body doesn't, so to get here I gotta become my soul?'
((Not quite. But you're close.))
You'd gotten so distracted by the conversation you didn't notice you two had wandered so far until you saw something shimmer below your feet. Brushstrokes of navy and violet swept across the ground below, bending and rippling as you stepped across the surface. Water...? Looking up, you saw the darkened sky, and gasped. Up above, in swirls of blue and purple, the sky twinkled. Stars of varying brightness twinkled and sparkled, blinking at you in greeting. The tiny specks that were floating around you before were now brighter, and larger, and as you looked close, you noticed they looked like fireflies.
'This place is beautiful...' you said in awe.
((Hah, and we are not even close to my favorite spot!))
'Really!?' You exclaimed.
((Yes. It gets better, human. Truly. Wait a little longer.))
How could it get better? You continued on, being led by this Gaster figure, who now had a slightly visible silhouette. His hand was, as you'd felt before, completely made of bone. His body was slender and enormous, looming above in a shroud of black. You couldn't see his face, but assumed he probably had one. Despite the idea of a cloaked skeletal person leading you around seeming to be the stuff of Gothic poetry, you were surprisingly not frightened.
'What are you?' you prodded.
((I am a remnant of what I once was,)) The figure answered. Its voice still seemed to come from everywhere, but quiet and soft-spoken. ((Before I resided here, I was a scientist that worked under command of my king. Even then, I was not the most...pleasing thing to look at.))
'But what were you then?' ((What was I?)) 'Yeah. Were you human?' ((No. I was a monster.))
You gasped. 'W-What? You seem like a nice guy! How could you be a mons-'
The man was laughing uncontrollably. You could hear the clinking of bones colliding. ((No, no! My species, and all like them, were called 'monsters' by humans. It is a ghastly name, but we accept it with humility. My particular type of monster was of a human skeleton. However, I was never human.))
That was interesting.
'So were you like, made from someone's bones?'
((No. I was made from magic.))
'Huh?'
((Heh, humans never fully grasped the idea of magic the same way we did. I was born from the union of two souls wishing for a third, for another to be born. We monsters do not have physical bodies - simply projections that give us a physical appearance of one. But what you truly see, is our soul itself. Mine was of a skeleton, an evolutionary adaptation my kind took on as a survival tactic.))
'Survival tactic?' ((For eons my people have been fighting for our survival, from more than just one source. Tell me, if you came across a skeleton, would you touch it?)) 'Hell no.' ((Hahah! Then our survival tactic has worked!))
'So you guys look like skeletons? Do all monsters look like them?' ((Oh, not at all. Some are deer with trees for antlers and sideways mouths, some are figures of ice, some are humanoid forms of fire, some are reptilian...our appearances differ very greatly from one to the other.)) 'That. Is really weird.' ((Of course it is. Your species looks mostly the same from person to person.)) 'Touche.'
The descriptions were definitely strange, alright. You decided to look around again, and the fireflies had disappeared. That made you slightly dejected. You found their appearance pleasing. You looked up, and had to stop to catch your breath.
High above, the sky was painted with violets, pinks, whites, creams and blues, all mottled together, sprinkled with countless clusters of stars. Each star shined, some intensely, some faintly. Like splatters of paint they decorated the heavens. Some even seemed to float a little closer, and you wondered, had you the ability to fly, if you could go far enough to touch them. Towards the sky ahead of you, the stars splattered closer together, collecting densely into a bright light blue glow on the horizon. Behind you, the stars spread apart, the bright nebula of colors fading to dark. Below your feet, the blurry reflections of the world around you shimmered on thin waters. When you tapped your foot, the water radiated outwards, stretching the image mirrored from above.
'This place is...beautiful...' ((I'm happy you enjoy it too.))
You looked up to Gaster. Now that he was turned towards you, you could see his face. Unsurprisingly, he had a skull for a face, but unlike other skeletons, his was soft, and the jaw was smooth like a human's cheeks. A black crack snaked up from his right eye to the top of his cranium and around to the back, while another one led down his left eye to the edge of his lip. Despite having no lips, he was able to curl his mouth into a kind smile. Two white pinpoints of light marked his eyes and his bony brows were turned up in an expression of kindness and caring.
'You...don't look as scary as most skeletons do,' you commented.
((Thank you.)) His mouth slightly moved with his words, but once again they didn't seem to come from just him, but from everywhere. He pulled his hand away and you noticed a hole stretching open his palm.
'What's that from?' you pointed to them.
((Oh?)) He looked to his hands. ((Oh, long ago, I...did an experiment. I...had to use my own soul to do it.)) His hands fell and he smiled. ((But the experiment was a success. One I am very proud of.))
You didn't want to ask further. You just wanted to explore. The skeletal man stepped away a couple paces and then tossed his cloak open to sit on the wet ground. He turned and patted the spot to his right, giving you an expectant look. Wordlessly you followed him, sitting beside him and looking at the sky. Despite the group being of water, you didn't get wet. The man was right, physics just didn't really apply here.
'So how did you find me?' you asked.
((My consciousness expands across a very large, but still finite area of this plane,)) he explained. ((Sometimes as I wander around, I'll see someone's soul sending out waves of emotions. Yours was giving off intense bursts of sorrow, and I could see it from a long distance away.))
'Oh...' You looked down, fidgeting with your hands. 'Sorry...'
((Why be sorry? You didn't cause me any trouble. But when I saw your soul in so much pain, I felt empathy for you. I wanted to help.))
'Why me, though?' You asked.
((Out of all the other souls, yours was the brightest.))
You looked up at him with surprise. 'Huh?'
He looked down at you. His face - as much as a skull could - looked serious. ((Your soul gives off a lot of energy. I was surprised to see you in so much pain, even though it was so strong. It seemed like something was hurting you. So I wanted to see if I could alleviate the pain any by taking you away from the physical world for a while.)) He looked away. ((I know how agonizing it can be, to be in a world that doesn't seem to want you...))
You searched his face for any kind of answer or clue to one for his comment, but didn't find any. 'So...my soul is...strong? Bright? Then why does it hurt so much?'
Gaster hummed. ((Give me your hands.)) You offered your hands and he took them, turning them palm up. Slowly, your body began to glow a light blue, almost white color and you gasped. Your skin turned transparent, and underneath, you could see the intense river of your veins, flowing with light, trail through you. From your chest, you could watch a small heart 'pump,' bursting with energy in all directions.
'I'm...' you wanted to cry at the sight of yourself. 'I look so...'
((You, human, are a star.))
You looked up in confusion. 'Huh...?'
He smiled to you. ((All sentient creatures have a soul. This soul is the core and culmination of their being, the very essence they are created from. Even in the darkest of places, they can glow, shining their light, and creating their own light for others to follow. You, too, possess this same light, and glow as brightly, if not brighter, than other souls. Some are damaged, and some are very, very weak. But the more determination you have, the more motivation you have to keep going, the stronger your soul is, and the more it can take from the hits the world strikes it with.))
'Then...Am...Am I damaged?' You asked, thinking back to the crying fit you had nearly every night.
((No,)) Gaster answered. ((Unlike us monsters, you humans have physical bodies that must be maintained. While that does give you leverage to survive the harshes of the physical world, your own bodies can be flawed. The depression, the pain, the anxiety, the fear...those are all caused by cracks in your body's functions. How those were made - by birth or events - doesn't make any change or make the ailments any less painful.))
He pulled your hands close, holding them both in his hands, wrapped up in his. ((But always remember...While your body and brain may be flawed, and even broken...your soul is flawless. It can never be broken unless you allow it to be. A soul only breaks when it loses all determination. When its will to live disappears, the soul shatters...and it no longer continues on. But from the bright light your soul gives off, human, I've no doubt you have enough determination in you to keep going. I know the pain your body puts on you makes this hard to see. Your world is focused on physical pleasures, and indeed, your body may never be fixed of its self-destructive habits. But remember, your soul will never change. The pain you feel is from your physical body, and your soul will never suffer from any effects your body gives you. You. Are stronger. Than you can ever imagine. Do not let your mind tell you otherwise.))
He unwrapped his hands from around yours. You could feel tears brimming in your eyes.
((Are you okay?)) He asked worriedly.
'Y-Yeah...I'm okay,' you told him, trying to wipe the tears away. 'I...It's just...I get so caught up in what my head tells me, and what my body makes me feel, that...that I forget that I'm so much more than my body and mind. I'm...I'm not what my mind tells me. Or what my body limits me. ...But when I feel the depression, is that...my body?'
((Yes,)) he nodded. ((I don't understand or know how human bodies work, but I know most of your disorders and illnesses are not caused by your soul, but by your body and mind. Can you overcome these things, and heal from them? ...I've never seen a human heal their body using only their soul, since their body is mostly unaffected by anything your soul may try to make it do. But remember this. Any damage your body takes, your soul will never feel. Deep down, under all the sorrow and fear, where your corporeal form cannot reach, you are flawless, and beautiful. If only humans could be like monsters, and see their souls, they would know...their bodies are not all that they are...))
You sat there, listening, as his words clicked in your mind. You began to realize he was right...If you didn't have the issues you were dealing with you'd most likely be...better. You grunted in frustration knowing you'd never be able to fix those issues permanently and really experience what you'd be like, until you realized you'd made the mistake of thinking your body was the only thing you were made up of. Sure, the performance your body was capable of was...slightly less than you'd like it to be. But that didn't make your value - or your spirit - any less. You weren't just your body's sicknesses, you were your soul, and the life that it kindled within. While you knew that'd take some time to accept, you were happy to think about things in this new way.
Both of you looked to the stars wordlessly, for what seemed like years, or maybe minutes. You didn't bother trying to make sense of which it was. But eventually, you turned to Gaster. 'I think I should...go home now,' you said.
He looked to you and sat up. ((Alright. I will lead you back.)) Once again the skeleton took your hand and led you back through the darkness, to where you assumed he'd met you. You couldn't see him, but you could feel his hands stroke your head and cup your hands.
((Always remember, human,)) he said again, ((You are more than any measurement of physical or mental capability. You are your soul, and the strength you contain within you. Do not give up. Stay determined.)) And with that, he let go, and you felt yourself floating away.
'Will I ever see you again!?' you shouted. As if he'd never left you, he said, ((Whenever you wish to see me, come here, and call my name.))
You could settle with that.
.......
When you woke up, you were in the same position you'd been in when you fell asleep. Your muscles were stiff from being stuck in the same position so long. A look to the clock said it'd been - 12 hours!?
"Jesus, what a dream," you sighed. Somehow you remembered most of it, including Gaster's words in the end. Once again the ache in your chest was back, and you grimaced. You didn't want it. You missed the time wandering with Gaster, when you didn't feel it. But was it a dream? Or real? You placed a hand to your chest.
"You are more than any measurement of physical or mental capability. You are your soul, and the strength you contain within you." His words echoed in your head. They gave you a small spark of determination. Maybe...if you could only focus on just that, you could make it further than you expected to. It'd take a while to stick to it, though, after years of thinking you were broken...
........
Night came and you wore yourself out on purpose to try and sleep again, to see if Gaster would meet you. As you laid in bed you tried to resume the state you were in when he came to retrieve you, but felt yourself quickly going past it and straight into sleep.
'Nooooooooo,' you said groggily in your head.
((Why are you saying no? Is something wrong?))
You grinned to yourself mentally as you felt a presence hover over your bed. You knew it wasn't a dangerous presence - you knew exactly who it was. 'Hi, Gaster.'
((Hello, human.))