Archive of Our Own ^beta

Three months have passed since New York City dropped the isolation from the outside world. Three months since Lord Dregg was defeated. Three months since I survived multiple mutations and nearly blew up NYC …

When Lotus Blossom came back after the shutdown finally ended, she could hardly leave my side once she heard what happened. Even now I still see regret in her eyes when she looks at me. Regret that she wasn’t there.

It took a week before I could sleep again. Two weeks before I could sleep in my own bed. A month before I could sleep in Lotus Blossom’s.

Before the shutdown, I stayed at her place often. We’d fall asleep watching a movie, take naps after long missions, or just talk late into the night until we fell asleep cuddling.

I never thought it would be so hard to get used to it again— used to sleeping beside my wonderful girlfriend, whose presence I normally can’t get enough of.

Now, every time I sleep over, I leave only a few hours after drifting off.

I just can’t bring myself to stay.

Let me be clear, it’s not because of Lotus. Gosh, it could never be because of her. 

It’s because every time I open my eyes and see her, I tell myself I’m putting her in danger. If that monster is still lingering inside me, I can’t let it hurt my beautiful flower.

It’s stupid. I know it is. I know Donatello has checked more than once to make sure I’m back to normal. But I can’t bring myself to fight that thought.

It stinks because it’s not like I’m not trying at all. I wouldn’t be falling asleep in her arms in the first place if I actually wanted to believe it. I want to be with her during these hard times. I really do. She’s been trying her best to be there for me, after all.

Every time I leave, I see her the next morning at the lair. She walks in and gives me that sad look again. And then we don’t talk about it for the rest of the day. It’s pretty obvious she knows why I do it. Doesn’t make it less … well, embarrassing, I guess. I don’t even know how to address it. But I can’t bring myself to stop it either.

The cycle continues. We hang out at her place every night, fall asleep together, and I leave before morning.

Gee, I’m an awful boyfriend, aren’t I …

It’s now 3 A.M. I haven’t been sleeping for the past hour. In the dim light, I can see Lotus’ face pressed against my shoulder.

Despite her tendency to isolate herself when awake, she is very clingy in her sleep. Which is great news for me— a warm-blooded person hugging me in my sleep is just what I need as a cold-blooded mutant reptile. Plus she just looks so darn cute with her cheek pressed against me. Normally the sight would make me smile.

But the smile never comes.

I glance at the clock on her bedside table. 3:05 A.M. I need to leave … I need to leave to make the fear go away.

With a sigh of defeat, I slowly squirm out of Lotus Blossom’s warm embrace. She stirs slightly before going still again. I fix the sheets for her and place a kiss on her forehead before finally heading to the window.

Same as the last several times.

I open the window and begin to leave.

My heart nearly bolts out of my chest when I suddenly hear a shrill sound whip past my head. A shuriken lands beside my hand.

Ah. She’s awake.

I wince before slowly turning to see her. Meeting her eyes, I start to feel like a puppy caught chewing on the furniture.

Lotus’ expression seems mostly blank, and for a long moment, neither of us know what to say.

I consider making some attempt at a joke to make the atmosphere less heavy, but then her brows furrow, and the words vanish before I can speak.

“I’m worried about you,” she says.

I feel my body relax a bit.

“You’re not mad?”

Lotus scoffs and crosses her arms. “Of course I’m mad. You could at least wake me up to say goodbye when you do this.”

I sigh and close the window before making my way back to the bed. Sitting down beside her, I take her hand in mine.

Lotus Blossom waits a long time for me to speak, but I just can’t. I can’t even look at her.

Her voice is soft as she breaks the silence. “Please let me be here for you …”

The words break me. I finally look at her and feel my eyes fight to keep tears from falling.

“I don’t know what to do …” I whimper despite my best efforts.

Lotus nods sympathetically and places a hand on my cheek, wiping under my eye with her thumb. Her other hand squeezes mine, urging me to continue.

“I know it’s stupid … I just love you too much, and you look so perfect and beautiful when I look at you, and I don’t want to ruin it, and—“

She interrupts, “Honey, you’re not making sense.” She pulls me into a hug. Her hand cradles the back of my head, caressing the small scales there. “What’s stupid?”

“… I don’t want to hurt you.”

I feel Lotus take a slow breath against my neck.

“… I know you don’t.”

“… I’m sorry …” I squeeze her closer. “I’m sorry …”

“Leaving won’t fix this problem, you know …” she says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Well. It probably is. But it sure doesn’t feel like it.

“… I know,” I reply anyway.

She pulls away to look at me. Her brows are curved with sympathy, but there’s a hint of uncertainty. Which isn’t really surprising. I’m not sure I would know what to do in this situation either.

“What … can I do to help you?” she asks slowly.

Her gaze weighs down on me, and I can’t seem to catch any train of thought in my head. Just her asking the question means a lot, but I can’t even begin to think of an answer. The silence feels numbing, and I just want to squeeze inside my shell and hide for the rest of this conversation.

“… I don’t know.”

Lotus looks away sadly. Her hands rest on her lap, and she nods slowly. Seeing her so dejected, I act quickly, cupping her face with my hands and turning her to look at me.

“However …” I say, “I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you’re here for me.”

She frowns. “… Isn’t there anything more I can do?”

My hands move from her face to hold her hands again. “I just … need your patience.”

Lotus sighs. “Can you at least stay until breakfast? Just tonight. I need at least one morning where I can wake up and see that you’re still with me.” She squeezes my hands. “Just one night. It might help.”

I look back at the clock. Only a few hours until sunrise. I look at Lotus Blossom again. She’s staring at me pleadingly.

I feel awful. She’s worried about me, and I’m probably making this more difficult. I want to be better for her. And she could be right. Just one night could help.

I can do this. I can do this, I repeat over and over in my head. I can do this.

I can practically feel my heart rate rising as I try to make this decision. Gee, why is this so stressful? I want to stay.

I nod. My hands are shaking as I lift Lotus’ hands to my lips, kissing them.

“I’ll try.”

Lotus gives me a small, hopeful smile. And if I’m being honest, seeing her smile does help ease my nerves a little.

She pulls me into a hug. “Thank you.”

We get settled under her sheets once more, and we hold each other like we always do. I try to focus on the feeling of Lotus in my arms as my mind repeats reassurances in her gentle voice.

“It’s going to be okay.”

Until, finally, I drift back asleep.