Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

They stepped out of the hovercar, the San Diego sun welcoming them. Spock felt uncomfortable in his brand-new Starfleet cadet uniform, stiff in places, inadequate. Before him, several large shuttles were filling up with passengers, a lot of them in a similar outfit as him. A blue floating display above them stated “California Shuttle Service – Los Angeles - Monterey - San Francisco – Starfleet Academy” When he turned to his mother, he saw that tears were already starting to form in the corner of her eyes. He would have to endure her emotions.

She came closer and started to fuss with his hair, even though his hair was perfectly adequate, like it always was.

“I am so proud of you.” She smiled. “You’ll be the smartest there I’m sure.”

“That is impossible to assess.”, he lazily replied, more out of affection for Amanda than defiance.

"I’m still sure." She smiled again, though it quickly faded. "It’s likely your father will be there to see you arrive."

Spock’s jaw tightened. He hadn’t seen Sarek in three years. Seeing the look in his eyes, Amanda warned:

"Just… Be cordial. It’s an ambassador thing. Everyone knows a Vulcan is entering the Academy, it’s a bad look if he’s not there."

So, he is coming because I am Vulcan, not because I am his son, Spock thought. Typical.

"You have to go or you’ll miss the shuttle. I’ll see you soon."

He could see she’d tried her best to avoid it, but moved to embrace him anyway. As her arms wrapped around him, he could smell her jasmine-scented lotion and the perfume in her hair. Spock briefly closed his eyes as she let go of him.

Later, as he sat in the shuttle, he tried to remember that smell, to give him comfort. People were chatting around him and he could see some wandering looks stopping on him. He’d gotten used to that attention the past five years. They’d moved to Earth in a rush and he had to change schools a few times. His classmates on Vulcan had bullied him for his Human blood and his Human classmates for his Vulcan blood. It was quite the predicament. He never fit anywhere. It couldn’t just be about his blood, Michael was quite the hit at the Vulcan Science Academy as a matter of fact. No, it was probably just him.

Even now, he could see people around him bonding, asking each other where they were from, wondering about the dorm rooms and what electives they would take. As he saw it all forming around him, laughter shaping into content smiles and curious gazes transforming to shy conversation, it took over him. That feeling of loneliness he’d had all his life. That feeling like he was away from all the workings of life, an unknown observer.

He closed his eyes to try and feel again the warmth of his mother’s embrace.

The rest of the journey he spent pretending to read an astrophysics essay, as the ambient conversation lulled him peacefully.

An announcement shook him back to the reality of the shuttle. They would be landing soon at Starfleet Academy. He looked outside towards the bright blue sky of the bay. A pale, dark-haired officer came up and stood over him.

"Cadet. Sorry to disturb you. The landing pad officer told me a group was here for you on arrival. Press, cameras and such.", he explained with quite a strong British accent. "An ambassador, or something. They think it’s well, quite the event, a new Vulcan at the academy."

Spock closed his eyes and didn’t say anything.

"Felt like I should warn you, is all."

"Thank you.", he answered soberly, with a polite nod.

He had nothing to say to Sarek. The last time they had seen each other was for his fifteenth birthday and they had exchanged all but a few words. There was little chance he would ever forgive him and that had become even more certain as Spock had grown older and truly understood the weight and gravity of what he had done sending his brother away. Or, playing a good part in it, as such. The last two year, he’d felt his mother start to welcome, just a little, the idea of going on the path to forgiveness with Sarek. He resented her for it, and he knew Michael did too.

As they approached the landing pad, small dots grew into silhouettes and soon he could see the man clearly. In his usual robes, stern as ever and accompanied by his faithful Human assistant, Hilton. As he stared, Spock felt his own face grow as stern and his mouth sour. A slow, steady sense of panic and anger grew inside of him.

“How does it feel?”, they would ask. “Making history today!” “Your father being here, quite emotional, isn’t it?” “Will you miss Vulcan?” All sorts of ridiculous, uninformed, intrusive questions he’d have to answer or decline politely.

He unbuckled his seatbelt and walked over to the officer from earlier.

"Apologies. Is there any other exit? I would rather… avoid the attention."

The man looked surprised, like he didn’t understand why Spock would want to miss his five minutes of fame.

"Well, hmm…. Not really, mate. There’s just the one."

He was about to thank him for the information when a blond-haired cadet approached with a grin.

"There’s a storage room, though. I saw them put some supplies in there.", he said with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Are you suggesting I…"

"Could hide in the storage room until they’re gone?"

"That’s quite irregular.", the officer from before intervened.

"Then you’ve never heard that. We’ll be right out of your hair."

The blonde cadet turned and put a hand on his back, guiding him to the back of the shuttle.

"So… you’re in or what?", he smiled. "I’m James. Kirk. Jim"

He offered him his hand and Spock looked at it in disbelief. Hiding from his father in a storage box, well, that was quite a low.

"I’m Spock. Where is this storage room?", he raised an eyebrow, still staring at the hand.

"Shoot, forgot my sensitivity training.", he retracted his hand. "Over there, come on. I’ll keep watch until they’re gone."

So it was in this way that he met James Kirk. And soon enough he was standing in the dark of the closet, his back to the wall, the ridicule of the situation making him regret every decision that had led up to this point, including joining up in Starfleet and also being born.

It felt like centuries until he heard a bang on the wall.

"Spock! Still alive in there? They’re gone!"

The door opened too quickly and he almost tumbled over. He brushed over his uniform shirt.

"Everything okay?", Kirk asked.

"Yes."

"They came up to me and asked if you were there. Some journalists and this other Vulcan."

Spock had no clue why but he felt compelled to say: "My father."

Kirk looked briefly surprised, but that quickly turned to a gentle chuckle. "Well, he’s uhm… Anyway. We need to leave."

Soon enough they were both on the landing pads with their bag on their shoulder. Spock felt like he ought to make conversation but he didn’t really know how. He’d spent the last five years with Humans but he really still wasn’t good at it. Before he could really get the chance, they arrived to a walkway and Kirk turned to him.

"I’ve got to be at orientation for Command cadets at fifteen hundred but it was nice to meet you.", he smiled and seeing as Spock looked confused, he pointed behind him. "Science campus is that way. My brother gave me an advanced tour."

“Thank you.”

“See ya!”, Kirk said with a wave.

He watched him leave before he turned to look as the view of the Starfleet Academy buildings. Federation flags were hanging over green bushes and alleyways filled with students in uniform talking and laughing. It seemed busy and yet peaceful. Deep in his heart, and he'd never admit to that thought, Spock felt like maybe he could finally belong somewhere.

Chapter Text

Outside was still completely dark. Jim dressed up in his athletic uniform and shoes, trying not to wake up his roommate.

He had thought the two of them might become instant best friends but, well, that only happens in the movies he guessed. Guy (he was a guy yes, but Guy was also his name) was an engineer from Montpellier, France whose passions in life were repairing stuff, attempting to seduce women and complaining. The first thing he'd asked Jim was if he'd seen that "hot piece" second year at the cadet meetup and then he'd spent the next ten minutes complaining about the cafeteria food's distinct lack of seasoning.

Oh and, also, that guy Guy had the smelliest feet Jim had ever encountered.

He shuddered even remembering the smell as he'd started his morning run around the dorm buildings.

"Discipline. Routine." Sam had told him. "That's what matters."

His lungs burnt like a bitch and his knees were weak, not sure if he wanted to be the best if that's how it felt.

But he had to be. 

The best or nothing else.

The first few days had gone by in a breeze. There was a number of orientation meetings, forums, tours. You had to choose your extracurriculars, and do it wisely otherwise you'd end up with "losers". Sam had told him what to take, so he signed up for Speech and Debate and Sailing. The latter made him terribly scared. Iowa wasn't known for its blue beaches and neither were the other places he'd lived in. But Sam had said: "Boats were here before spaceships ever were. You can't command a boat, what are you doing trying to command a ship?"

His first classes happened only an Earth week after he'd arrived. Interplanetary Relations 101 was taught by a very demanding professor who looked as if he was at least seventy years old. In the afternoon, they had Crisis Management Workshop. "The most important things in your career you'll learn here in this room.", the woman had said. It felt like everyone had said that. 

He hadn't really connected with anyone yet. He had assumed everyone would be alone, looking for connection, but the truth was many of these people knew each other. They were from the same high school, colony, or planet, had applied and studied for the exam together. Their parents were in Starfleet together and friends. His father didn't have any friends that he knew of and as for people from his colony well...

Jim stopped in front of a windowed building which looked like some sort of library. The morning light was starting to come up in the sky and its orange hue was colouring it a beautiful shade of gold. He took a deep breath, his hands on his bent knees.

Footsteps came up behind him so he turned around, a bit of sweat coming down from his forehead.

"Hello, James Kirk."

Staring at him was the odd Vulcan from the first day. Being called his full name was strange to him.

"Hi uhm... Hi Spock."  

His first instinct was to ask what the hell he was doing talking a walk outside at 6AM, but he figured that might be intrusive.

"How are you?", Jim asked.

"I have always found that question unusual but I believe the standard answer is that I am "good"."

Jim stared at him with his mouth slightly open. Not that he'd never met a Vulcan, he had, but he didn't think he ever had an actual conversation with one. He figured that since Spock was giving him a weird answer, he should just ask.

"Taking a walk? It's early."

"I do not need as much sleep as you do."

"Oh. Yeah.", Jim said, embarrassed. "Figures."

They stood there for what felt like ages, looking at each other and both unable to either conclude the conversation or continue it.

Jim cleared his throat and Spock seemed about to say something as well.

“Cafeteria’s not far and I would die for a hot drink, so uhm…”, Jim hesitated. “Maybe you’d like to go too?”

Spock’s gaze did not falter. His eyes were… really intense.

“That would be agreeable.”, he nodded.

And so, they walked together in that direction, in perfect silence, actually. They listened to the birds - the fake ones from the ambient speakers in the gardens, but also the real ones – and watched as the sun went up in the sky, and other joggers and students started walking past them.

Soon enough, they were sat down in one of the outside tables. The cafeteria had a terrace overlooking the bay. Jim started feeling a chill, since he was in his running t-shirt, but the warmth from his coffee to his hands remedied that. Spock was still silent, holding a cup of tea.

“Quite a nice view, isn’t it?”, Jim said.

Spock nodded approvingly, looking far in the distance.

“How do you like it here? Is it very different?”, he added.

“It is not very different from San Diego, no. Though there are differences.”

Jim blinked twice.

“You’re from around here? I though you were… well. From Vulcan.”

“I am.”

Spock took a sip and it didn’t seem like he intended in any ways to finish that sentence, but Jim was still staring with curiosity.

“We moved, five Earth years ago.”, answered Spock.

Seemingly not wanting to give him time to ask more questions, he resorted to asking them himself, which didn’t seem to be easy for him.

“Are you from California?”

“No. Iowa.”, Jim sighed. “Though I haven’t really been there in a while. My father is Starfleet so we moved a lot.”

His coffee seemed bitter, all of a sudden.

“So your father and your brother are in Starfleet.”, Spock commented.

Jim thought he had a good memory, for remembering that comment a week later, but the man seemed very intelligent so that made sense.

“Yeah. Quite a lot to live up to.”, Jim admitted. “But you should know that. Yours is an ambassador, or Federation Council, or something.”

Jim felt like he’d said the wrong thing. Spock’s eyes narrowed and his mouth became even more closed than it was before.

“We do not speak.”, he simply said.

Jim remembered his dad being pretty annoyed that Spock didn’t show up for the press at the landing pad. But he didn’t have all the story, so it wasn’t his place to say.

He tried to remember the last time he spoke to his father but failed. When he’d gotten accepted into Starfleet, his dad has sent him over the network some sort of training manual with a note that said “Congratulations  - Lieutenant George Kirk Sr”. And that was only because he’d chosen to train in Command, his brother had never gotten anything at all.

Maybe him and Spock did have some things in common after all.

They chatted a bit more for a while, about the classes they’d had mostly. It was all very polite and restrained, but he supposed Spock was just like that. It became easier to talk to him though, after a while.

Spock ended up leaving for his early Xeno Biology class and Jim had to take a shower, so they parted ways, quite awkwardly, with a nod.

Chapter Text

“Fundauik or fundik, there must be a difference.”

“I suppose yes. The first is more general. Though they are often used interchangeably.”

“Oh and, I had this other question, what about…”

She was the most intelligent Human he’d ever met, and it was difficult to impress him.

He could hardly differentiate her Vulcan from Amanda’s or Michael’s. That’s how they had met, a Practical Languages group Spock had been more or less forced to join by his Head of Department. “Your Standard English could use some “brushing off”, as they say. It’s important, you know, to integrate.”, was what the man had said. Spock was too respectful of the hierarchy to even think of telling the man English was actually his first language as much as Vulcan was, so he’d ended up meeting twice a week in the library with Vulcan learners, supposedly so he could work on his English in exchange. Of course, he ended up just speaking Vulcan most of the time, which was a nice change. He hadn’t spoken it this much in years. The first few months on Earth, he’d adamantly continued speaking his native tongue all the time with his family, but when Michael had gone and it was just the two of them, it had just been too strange a thing to do.

It was in this group, in any case, that he’d met Cadet Nyota Uhura. She had been unusually nice to him, curious but not too overbearing. Quickly, he’d even found himself asking her about her life, where she was from, her interests. They had all sorts of similar ideas about the world.

A month after classes had started, he’d stopped going to the Practical Languages group, and the two of them would just meet after class every other day to converse in Vulcan. The conversations were mostly intellectual, either about his language or culture, though sometimes they debated other topics.

This afternoon, they were about to go their separate way for the day when Uhura asked, in English:

“Are you going to that party later?”

“I am unaware that there is a party “later”.”, Spock said.

“It’s in the entertainment hall, they organized it for first years. Can’t believe no one invited you!”

Spock could believe that. It wasn’t difficult to imagine that someone would take a look at him and think he wouldn’t like this sort of event. Because, it was true after all, he really hated the idea. From his time in a mostly-Human high school, he unfortunately had more or less an idea what a “party” entailed.

But the truth was, Spock had no friends. And he didn’t need any friends, of course. But his mother was worried, and, well, meeting more like-minded individuals like Uhura wouldn’t be a terrible thing. Though he doubted a first-years party was the right place for that.

“You know what, I’ll come pick you up. At 8. Oh sorry, twenty hundred.”, Uhura announced, trying to use Starfleet lingo. “It’s a date.”

Spock lifted an eyebrow and she chuckled.

“I mean, not a date like that, you know what I mean.”

“I know.”, he said, though he didn’t really. “That will be adequate. Thank you.”

He nodded and they parted ways, until “later”.

To say that Spock regretted his decision a few hours later was an understatement. He bitterly regretted it, to the point of hating himself for it, especially since he was absolutely unable to go back on his word to Cadet Uhura.

He had no idea how he should dress and act, what he would do with himself. It was all completely terrifying. He sat on his bed for a long time, pondering his ways of escape.

Spock didn’t know if it was a privilege from his father’s position or just a question of the rarity of Vulcan cadets, but he had been assigned a single room. It was rather small, but perfectly convenient, and of course the lack of roommate had been a relief.

After a while, he’d gotten up from the bed and stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror for a while.

He wished anything had happened, a tidal wave, a civil war, a network bug, anything that would make Cadet Uhura not show up at his door at the decided time.

But the time arrived and he heard his device ring. “Meet you downstairs.”, it said.

The consequences of his own decision a heavy burden on his shoulders, he reluctantly opened the door to his room and walked downstairs.

Uhura was wearing a red silk button-up and an elegant pair of trousers, with large earrings. She beamed at him, but her smile was quickly replaced by a frown.

“You’re still wearing your uniform.”, she observed.

He had no clue he was supposed to be wearing civilian clothes, however he didn’t have anything except for two traditional Vulcan robes, which would just make him stand out more.

He didn’t comment so she just moved on.

“Well, whatever. Let’s go.”

When they arrived to the large hall meant for events of this sort, dozens of people seemed to be going in the same direction.

“Uhura, how many people exactly are expected to attend this event?”, he asked, trying to hide his anguish.

“Oh, I don’t know, probably most of the first years and quite a lot of the others.”

That meant people would be counted in the hundreds. He was about to ask to specify the number, but they had arrived to the entrance.

The hall was immense, loud and filled with people who had a smile on their face and a drink in hand. A lot were Humans, but he could see a lot of people from other planets. Tellarites were surely not known to decline a party invitation.

Decorations had been hung around the walls, posters advertising various campus organisations, groups and clubs. People were huddled in groups of four or five, talking as loud as they could over some rhythmic music that was playing at the back of the room. Over there, a few people were dancing with different levels of physical involvement.

It was fair to say Spock had never been to a place like this. The only large gatherings he’d attended were diplomatic dinners, where the general atmosphere was much more constrained and nothing was playing in the background. He also was a child, and therefore excused after a few minutes to go and read quietly in another room.

He did not know what look his face was unwillingly making, but Uhura asked, quite loud so she could be heard.

“Everything okay Spock?”

He tried to pull himself back. Feel his feet on the ground and the brush of the fabric against his thigh.

“Yes.”

“Ok good. I’ll go get drinks. Wait for me.”

He looked at her leave and sighed, discreet enough so no one would hear, trying to make himself as invisible as he could.

That was short lived, as a few seconds later, a trio was seemingly coming over to him.

He recognized only James Kirk, who he hadn’t seen since they shared a morning walk, and who was now wearing a quite fitting light green shirt that was maybe too unbuttoned. He was accompanied by two other men, one was older, had his hair slicked back and sported a confident grin, while the other was short, appearing more reserved and dressed also in his uniform.

“Spock!”, Jim shouted as he got closer. “It’s cool to see you here!”

It sounded like he couldn’t really believe it.

“Spock, these are my friends, Ben and Gary.”

Jim pointed respectively to the older man and the short one.

“Pleasure to make your acquaintance.”, Spock forced himself to say soberly, which earned him a light chuckle from the one named “Ben”.

“Are you here on your own?”, Jim asked, out of concern or curiosity Spock wasn’t sure.

“No. I…”

“Hey! Spock!”, Uhura approached, with two glasses in hand.

She handed him one and he took it awkwardly.

“I didn’t know what you wanted, so uhm…”, she started, but then looked at the three men. “Who’s this? Oh wait… You’re Mitchell, right? We have Applied Mathematics together.”

“I am.”, he smiled. “I think you’re the only one getting through that class in one piece.”

Ben turned to speak to him. He and James Kirk both seemed to have had a few drinks already.

“So, Spock, is this different from a Vulcan party?”, he asked, half serious.

“On Vulcan, we do not have “parties”.”, he replied.

“Not even for your birthday?”, Ben laughed.

“Birthdays are arbitrary dates. There is no objective reason to celebrate them.”

He could feel their eyes on him. In all honesty, he was lying. His mother and siblings always planned something for his birthday, as he did for theirs. They just never told Sarek about it. Amanda has always advocated for it; it was one of her Human traditions she didn’t want to let go of.

Spock felt disingenuous, like he was playing the part of the perfect Vulcan in front on these people, hiding his true nature and thoughts. He didn’t know how to do anything else.

“Tens of thousands of inhabited worlds and we managed to find the most fun to ally with.”, Ben responded cynically.

Spock could sense he was trying to be funny, in the Human sense, but there was no hiding the sourness behind it.

“I believe we are the ones who came to you.”, he retorted, a grave tone to his voice.

“Hold on here, guys, it’s a party, no need to argue.”, Kirk intervened.

He put a hand in front of the one named Ben, stopping him from continuing the conversation.

“It was nice to meet you uhm…”, he said towards Uhura.

“Nyota Uhura.”

“Yes. Enchanted. We’ll leave you.”

The three of them left and Spock felt some relief in his chest.

“That guy was such a jerk.”, Uhura sighed. “I’m sure he’s not even a first year.”

An hour went by as Uhura dragged Spock around the party like a lost puppy, introducing him to some of her friends and acquaintances.

He was grateful for her, truly. Though they’d never talked about it, it was like she had sensed his loneliness, somehow. She was trying to help him, in a way familiar to her, even though meeting all this people, in this crowded hall, actually made him realized how alone he truly was. He didn’t have any feelings about it, it was just a fact. That sentiment had been his companion since Sybok had left him in front of that house, on that gravel path.

Uhura must have gotten tired too, since after a while she said: “Let’s get some air.”

They stood outside for a while, with an assortment of people, some inebriated and others full-mouthed kissing.

He wasn’t certain if inside or outside was worse.

“You hate being here, don’t you?”, she concluded after a while.

For all intents and purposes, he never lied.

“I do yes, though I would not use so strong a word. I am uneasy in situations such at these.”, he simply explained.

Seemingly appreciating his honesty, she laughed a little.

“If that can be of any comfort, Uhura, I am not very…. outgoing even by Vulcan standards.”

She laughed even more for a bit, before she suddenly stopped.

“You’re just like him.”

She didn’t turn to look at him. The silence weighed heavier than usual.

“My little brother. He was just like you. Shy.”, she said quietly. “Smart too. Xeno-Anthropology.”

It was peculiar. Them both filling a space left empty without knowing of it.

Not sure what to say, he very slowly mouthed:

“Kaiidth.”

She seemed to relax at this but didn’t say anything either. They remained there a few minutes more, and were about to leave when a boisterous group emerged from the back door.

James Kirk and his friends were there again, though their ranks had grown with an assortment of other cadets, men and women alike, in various stages of inebriation.

The one Uhura had called a jerk approached him and, to his disgust, grabbed him by the shoulders.

“Hey man! Sorry I was mean to you like that. No hard feelings, hey cadet?”

Spock was frozen in place, unable to react, as if his touch was burning his shoulders.

“Ben, back off.” Kirk jerked him away. “Sorry about him Spock. He’s not normally like that.”

Spock stared at Kirk. His half-unbuttoned shirt was distracting.

“Look.” Kirk looked to his right and to his left, a strange reaction. “We should have coffee again sometime. Or tea, I mean. You can help me with my Astrophysics homework.”

Before he had time to say anything in return, the group was leaving, Kirk still turning around to flash him a large smile before they disappeared towards the campus.

“We should go too. It’s getting late.”, Uhura declared

She had an unusual smile on her face and was looking at him strangely.

“Help him with his homework, uh?”, she chuckled as they walked back to the dorms.

Spock gave up understanding what she was laughing about.

Chapter Text

Discipline, his brother had said. So, Jim made sure to go on his morning run most days, or do some kind of physical activity at least. When he woke up that morning, a few days after the party, it was not to the sound of birds from his alarm, but to a very different sound, which he really did not like.

It sounded like his roommate was having a girl over again and he was disgusted at the idea of having to open his eyes to get up so he lay there in silence, pushing the pillow against his ears.

The rooms at Starfleet Academy were meant to resemble the ones on a ship, though slightly comfier and larger perhaps. Jim could not imagine having to deal with that while on a mission, so he hoped the fraternizing rules were enforced. Unfortunately, those didn’t exist at the Academy so he’d probably have to wait until Guy had met all the women on campus who liked a moustache and a French accent. There couldn’t be that many, could there? God, it was probably a lot.

He fell back asleep, thanks heaven, and when he woke up again the both of them were asleep in his bunk. Jim took all his stuff so he could go directly to class and not have to see this asshat again until much later.

He headed to the cafeteria and took his time having breakfast while reading several news reports. He was meant to keep up regularly on all the political and social happenings around Federation and non-Federation worlds. That wasn’t a chore to him, but it was part of his discipline.

Ben’s class was the first of his day so he headed there first. Finney was his target practice instructor; he was for most Command cadets. It was mostly a supervising thing, keeping the computerized scores in check, giving advice. Kirk had struck up a conversation once, because that’s what he did, and they’d gotten along as if they’d been in kindergarten together. Ben was from Wisconsin and he was a history buff too.

You had to go through at least five hallways to find the room, at the far back of the Tucker building. After all, target practice wasn’t really a Starfleet priority, the point was that it came to weapons only for defence and when all other options were explored. Still, you needed to learn how to use them properly, even as a Command trainee.

The door was locked, but he rang its comm.

“It’s Jim.”

It opened in a “whoosh” and Benjamin was standing there, all smiles.

“Come to get some early practice?”, he asked.

“Yeah.”, Jim answered, pursing his lips.

“Oh, I know that face. Guy having a sunny morning again?”

“It’s pronounced Gu-ee.”, Jim sighed. “But… yes.”

“Well, glad to have you. They actually just sent out some new programs for the bots, I have got to show you.”

He showed him the new program on the large screen he had on the side of the room, and they discussed the changes for a bit. Now that they knew each other well, Finney didn’t really treat him like a student, but more as an equal. Jim liked that, he hated the condescending professors and the way he had to prove himself to everyone. It was even worse because of his entry tests results, it’s like they expected more of him than most of the other students.

“Can I try it out?”, Jim said after a while.

“Premiere, uh?”

Ben didn’t wait for a confirmation he knew he’d get and moved to set up the practice area. The walls barrier had to be calibrated so the phaser beams wouldn’t just… burn holes in them.

Kirk got ready on the other side, checking his phaser for anything unusual, like he’d been told to, and putting it on the lowest setting.

“All ready for you cadet.”, Ben chuckled, after a beep from the console confirmed the calibration. “Computer, launch sequence 5, intermediate level.”

Jim tensed up his arms, his whole body ready and eyes fixated on the moving targets that had started appearing, circles of different sizes and colours. Finally ready, he fired. The beam hit the target, but there was a strange noise, and it was like it… no it couldn’t…

Oh no.

When Jim woke up, the white lights hurt his eyes. He tried to get up, to see if he was still in the target practice room. A hand pushed on his chest.

“Hold on there, cowboy.”, said a man’s voice and Jim squinted his eyes to try and see him.

Towering over him indeed was a man in a doctor’s shirt, his piercing blue eyes staring at him not as kindly as one would expect. Jim’s eyes felt watery and his vision was grey.

“You were out for a while, Cadet Kirk. Congratulations on your return.”

He couldn’t even muster up a response.

“Here, drink this.”

The man was sliding a cup into his hands and Jim feebly put it to his lips without even looking in it. It was sugary and slightly warm.

After a few seconds, the liquid made him feel better, and he asked in a low voice:

“What happened?”

“I was about to ask you, actually. They brought you here and your instructor said you hit your head.”

Well, Jim wasn’t certain what happened, but he was sure he didn’t hit his head. At least, not at first. Why did Benjamin lie?

“Probably. I don’t know.”

“Fine. I will rephrase my question, more directly.” The doctor sighed in annoyance. “Did you and Mr Finney play at stunning each other with phasers just to try it?”

“What… no… I…” Jim refrained a chuckle.

“Since the start of the new year I’ve had one or two new cadets a week coming in for that. You wouldn’t be the first or the last to get the stupid idea.”

“I didn’t. I think there was a problem with the barrier calibration and the beam sort of… ricoched… or something.”

The doctor had a sort of laugh, half-cynical half-genuine.

“That’s a first!”

Jim frowned. He couldn’t let that go on Ben’s record, as he’d told him he was trying hard to get a posting on a starship. An accident like that might worsen his chances.

“Doctor uhm…”

“McCoy.”

“Doctor McCoy, could you…”, he hesitated. “Well, could you say on your report that I hit my head?”

“Cadet, are you asking me to falsify my patient file?”

He didn’t outright say no, he seemed intrigued, so Jim pushed on.

“It was just an accident and my instructor shouldn’t have it on his record. It would be terrible for his career. And I’m fine.”

McCoy stared at him for what felt like a long time.

“You did hit your head anyway when you fell.”, he commented, thinking. “It stays between us.”

He concluded and left it at that. Jim was grateful but stayed in his reserve, not willing to spoil it. Ben was going to hear about it for days though. They’d probably laugh about it in no time.

Jim was grateful for the full day off classes he’d been given to recover. At first, at least, because he quickly grew restless trying to lie down in his room and ended up leaving early to meet Spock at the café. He’d just… get something to eat.

On his way there, he sent word Ben that he got out of the infirmary in one piece, saving his Starfleet record in the process. He received “OK” as an answer. “Ok”?? When he saved his ass?? He’d hear about this.

Jim arrived at the café, which was quite busy. Classrooms and labs and workshops and training areas were starting to empty for the day and a flow of chatty students were converging here to enjoy a cup of coffee, or some other warm drink from beyond Earth.

Spock and him had agreed to meet at the same table as last time. Jim didn’t really need help with Astrophysics, he was second of his class. He’d just said that the other night because he wanted to get to know him. He was a little tipsy and now he sort of regretted the lie but he’d have to stick with it for now. Besides, Spock was probably better at it than him anyways so it couldn’t be that bad.  

Jim still felt dazed from his unfortunate meeting with a phaser beam earlier, so he’d settled for a strong cup of matcha. When the cup appeared in the synthesiser, he carried it to the table.

He waited for Spock while looking out at the bay. It felt peaceful. He hadn’t been at peace somewhere in a long time, so it felt good. Soothing.

The Vulcan arrived with a steady step and sat down, his ever-piercing gaze settling on Jim.

“Spock, you’re here!”, he smiled.

“As is evident.”, Spock commented.

Their study session wasn’t as unfruitful as Jim had imagined. He did pretend not to understand some things, just to keep the persona going, but he did learn a lot. They went way further than the actual class material and Spock kept saying it was “more advanced than what he was expected to understand at present”, but Jim liked that. He was getting help, just… for next year, probably.

“Despite some finer flaws in judgment, you are quite an adept learner.”, Spock concluded after a while, setting down his PADD.

Jim supposed that was one of the highest compliments he was able to give.

“Thank you. You’re not so bad a teacher.”

Spock shifted in his chair, having a hard time taking the compliment. He decided on changing the topic of conversation.

“If I may ask, since your father is in Starfleet, did you ever live on a starship?”

The matter clearly interested Spock, but for Jim that was dangerous territory.

“No, not really, not for more than a few days. We’d just follow around, in different colonies.”

“It is quite a chance, to observe the life on other planets.”

Observe what life? It was all death and death and death. Jim felt a migraine coming.

“Did you ever leave the Alpha Quadrant?”, Spock continued.

His grip on his mug tightened. It was almost empty; he was just using it for countenance.

“I did.”

Before anyone could add on to anything, Jim stood up.

“Lovely chat Spock, but I need to go.”

The incoming thoughts were like a flood he was trying to hold with his two hands pushing on the door. He had to escape.

Spock stared at him, puzzled. He didn’t leave him time to comment and Spock simply lowered his head in agreement.

Jim almost ran to his dorm room, as if the feeling of dread was pursuing him. And he knew that as soon as he closed his eyes, it would all be filled with nightmares.

Chapter Text

Spock felt terrible about his attempt at making James Kirk a friend. He’d tried asking questions and he’d been intrusive. He was aware that social relations and day to day conversation were not in his skillset, but he’d hoped it wasn’t at least to that level.

“I do not know what I have done to cause offence.”

The steam from his cup of coffee warmed his chin. Cadet Uhura had a sort of sideways smile.

“Don’t know either. It’s weird.”

There were several PADDs in front of her but they’d stopped studying for a while already.

“I admit I strayed from Astrophysics to more personal matters.”

“He doesn’t care about that.”

Uhura’s eyes widened, like she’d said the wrong thing. Her hand went to touch her earlobe nervously.

“It’s just…”, she continued, since Spock was staring. “I ran into Gary the other day before classes. We chatted and, well… he said Jim was helping him with some Science homework and I said “uh that’s weird” since…”

She cleared her throat.

“Anyway, he said Jim is top three of his class in Astrophysics and… most other subjects.”

Spock was confused. Why would Kirk lie about such a thing? It did not make sense. Why request assistance when he did not need it? Spock did have the feeling after a while that Jim knew what he was talking about. He should’ve suspected.
It took him a moment to fully absorb the information and Uhura felt guilty, bit into her lower lip.

“It is strange. He requested the help.”
“Well, I was there and he was quite…” Her eyes narrowed. “What would be the Vulcan for it? Tipsy? Drunk?”

She always found the most peculiar of occasions to practice her vocabulary.

“There is no Vulcan. One would have to paraphrase. It is not a habit of Vulcans to get into such states.”
“Of course. If I said… rim vo’ektaya, would that..."

The conversation then derived to Vulcan semantics and the subject of James Kirk did not come up again.

Still, Spock wondered why he would lie at all. It reminded him of when his sister used to pick up a literary novel and read in their sitting room, which she'd never do usually, precisely a few minutes before T'Pring was set to visit.

___________________

Jim was feeling better. The first month or two had been tough and a bit lonely, but he'd found some people to get along with and everything felt better now.

He even sort of liked the sailing club. It was fun to be out in the water and do some physical activity. The people in his group were nice. He wasn't really sure how sailing on a small, eight-meter long boat was any close to commandeering a starship like Sam had said. But it was fun. He'd gotten Gary to sign up too, though he wasn't the most skilled sailing partner and fell over several times.

It was on one of these afternoons that he confessed to Gary something that had been occupying his mind of late.

After hauling the catamaran out of water, Gary sat on it, visibly drained. The November sky was grey and already getting dark. Kirk went to his bag, still on the beach and searched in it for a granola bar that he handed his friend.

"Snack?", he smiled
"Yeah. Thanks."

Gary took the bar and started opening it, while Kirk was putting his bag over his shoulder, visibly ready to leave and get changed.

"Not hanging today?"

They'd usually stay and have a soft drink or a snack before going back to Academy grounds.

"No. I have to meet Spock in an hour."
"Astrophysics?"
"Yeah."

Gary got up and stared at him, chewing his bar. Water was dripping from his hair onto his forehead. He looked handsome, even in such a dreary autumn day.

"What's your deal with that guy?", he asked.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that you don't need Astrophysics lessons so... Is that a cover for some secret operation you have? Are you an undercover Klingon agent?", Gary joked.

Jim had started drying his hair with his towel. He laughed at the joke.

"No, he's really giving me lessons. At the campus café. Ask anyone."
"But why?", Gary pleaded
"I don't know. I like him. He's weird.", Jim shrugged.
"So you lied just to get a weekly coffee date with him?", Gary asked, sarcastically.

Something about the openness with which Gary had suggested that made Jim comfortable enough to confess.

"I guess, yes. I've had a little crush on him since the first week of classes. It's stupid."

Maybe not expecting that, Gary was speechless and stared at him.

"What? It's stupid I told you, it's not a serious thing. Don’t tell Ben. Or anyone, actually."
"I thought you had a crush on that second-year, the tall one."
"Milla? No. I mean, she's beautiful and we had drinks and a nice chat." And seeing as Gary’s eyes just widened even more, he added: "People are bisexual, Gary."
"Oh, it's not about that.", his friend laughed. "I just don't get what about Spock got you all hot and bothered."
"He does not get me 'hot and bothered', I just like him. Sort of. You know what? Forget I ever said anything."

"Impossible.", Gary grinned. "It's just too outrageous."

There was a strange gleam in his eye that Jim couldn't quite place. He chuckled again for the last time as they said goodbye for the day.

When he arrived to the café, dried up and dressed in civilian attire, as it was after duty, he was not greeted by the face he wanted to see but by another, mustached one.

"Roomie!" Guy raised his hands in greeting.

He was in the company of an Andorian engineer cadet, with a long braid coming down over her shoulder. Jim almost audibly sighed.

"Hey!", he politely said, "Sorry I've got a...", he pointed his thumb towards the back of the room.

"Hot date?"

His french accent made his Ts sound loud and irritating.

"No. You do though, so I won't bother you."
"You're not bozering. Actually, would you sit
and keep Siria company? While I..."
"Oh I..."

Before he could say anything, Guy had left god knows where. Reluctantly, Jim took a seat. All this time, the lucky lady had been staring at them with piercing eyes. She seemed to wait a little, looking at the back of the café, before she said:

"Thank god. I couldn't get rid of him."

Jim couldn't refrain a chuckle.

"Been here long?"
"An hour. There's only so long I can bear to hear about the intricacies of coffee bean roasting."

They laughed together and that was when he heard a polite cough behind him. When he turned his head, Spock was there.

"Oh, hi.", he quickly stood up.
"Hello.", the Vulcan answered. "My apologies for the delay."

He looked between him and the Andorian woman.

"If you wish to postpone...", Spock suggested.
"I don't. We were just..."

He gestured back and forth between her and him but then felt embarrassed that he wanted to justify himself. Perhaps his cheeks got slightly red, he wouldn't want to know. Instead he turned to leave.

"It was nice to meet you.", Siria smiled at him.

He nodded, with a light smile and left with Spock to find a table.

As soon as they sat, Jim noticed that Spock wasn't taking the study material out of his satchel as usual. In fact, he did not have his satchel with him.

"Ready to study?", Jim tried.

Spock's eyes locked onto him and he immediately felt overwhelming guilt.

"Look, I'm sorry for leaving like that last time. It's not your fault. I just...", he hesitated. "I don't like talking about the past, so I'd prefer you didn't ask anything."

Spock nodded somberly and stared at his own hands, that he held together over the table.

"And since I'm being honest, I..."
"You do not need Astrophysics lessons.", Spock continued over him.

His dark eyes came to meet his, his gaze so intense that Jim was a bit terrified of it, too terrified to look away.

"No."

How did he figure that out? Was he such a poor liar?

"I just liked talking to you.", he shrugged. "Sorry."

Spock stared at him again for what felt like hours and hours, seemingly trying to make up his mind. Jim kept looking out the window and back to him, unable to say anything. Spock finally cleared his throat and said, slowly:

"I find our conversations enriching as well. There was no need for dissimulation."

Jim couldn't contain the bright smile that illuminated his face.

"Friends then?", he asked.
"Yes. We shall be friends.", Spock said with the slighest hint of a smile on the corner of his lips.

Chapter Text

All first-year cadets were grouped together in the main auditorium. Kirk had arrived just on time and shuffled between people to find a seat, at the far back. He looked around without seeing any familiar faces. Eight or ten rows below him, he saw the back of Spock's head, in the front, with his friend that Jim recognized from the party, Uhura.

The general chatter in the auditorium was loud, but stopped suddenly as an older woman, quite small but with a proud demeanour, made her way to the podium. Admiral Yola was a revered member of Starfleet and one of the heads of the Academy. She did have to gesture with her hand to quiet the last whispers, but in a few seconds the room was empty and staring at her.

"Good morning cadets. We are approaching the end of your first semester of studies here at Starfleet Academy. We are proud to have welcomed once again such brilliant students into our ranks.", she smiled. "Now, we have decided to encourage some friendly competition among you. For the next three weeks, you will take part in different activities, depending on your field of study, and be evaluated in each by the assigned professor. These include physical, technical and intellectual trials. Your results will not count towards any grade or exam but build up to a global score."

At this, the screen behind her lit up and a list of names started appearing, each with a zero next to them.

"At the end of this session, the cadets with the highest scores will have the honour of joining the third year's training vessel for a 2-week expedition. A most crucial experience for all of you to have in your officer files."

Some members of the assembly audibly gasped, as it was indeed a rare chance for first year cadets to actually be able to work on a starship for that long.

"We will select two command cadets, three science cadets and five operation cadets. The scores are updated daily and available to view around campus and on the Academy net. I wish you all good luck and success."

Only two? Well, it was going to be tough. Command was the smallest, more selective field and yet his promotion still had around eighty students, maybe more. 

Yet, he had to win that. The best or nothing else. 

He managed to call Sam later that day, for advice.

"Yeah, I remember that contest.", Sam said. "They do it every year. I almost got 85 out of a 100 but I failed some shooting competition and ended at 82. Finished like 36th. I could've cried about it."

He laughed about it easily, because he was the type, but Jim thought that if that happened, he probably would die. Like just melt on the spot or something.

"Just do your best Jim.", he smiled. "Even half your best and you'll get all of them."

But despite these words from his brother, Jim turned and turned in his bed that night, scared that if he failed that, he'd fail everything else too.

"I think I'll just... keep doing what I'm doing. Not stress out too much about it.", Gary said had lunch the next day. "And if I win, then, so be it."

Jim was staring at his plate of carrots and green beans. He'd decided to go healthy suddenly, for the competition, but had inconveniently forgotten that he hated vegetables. He didn't comment, but he definitely did not feel the same as his friend.

"Ben told me operations have sparring as one of the trials. Are you any good?", Jim asked.

"Sparring? Like physical fights?"

"Yeah."

"Well... I don't think I've ever fought anyone. Have you?"

Jim pinched his thigh very strongly, something he did to keep him grounded.

"I, uhm...", he struggled to say. "I know some sparring techniques."

"You have to show me. Let's meet at the gym later."

Jim agreed and they made plans to do so. He had actually done a bit of it when he was younger, but he wasn't sure he could manage to keep his cool. He never knew what was going to send him into his own mind, make him panic. He would manage it, in time, that he had to believe.

At eighteen hundred he stood ready next to the door of the campus gym. He thought to invite some other friends, but didn't want to get Finney in trouble by revealing his secret info to everyone. Also, he didn't know how bad Gary was, wouldn't want to risk him being humiliated.

He was scared he'd have an episode but had no idea how to brush the topic with his friend.

Mitchell suddenly arrived in his line of sight, slightly out of breath and wearing a tank top. It was November, mind you. 

Instead of saying hello, Jim shouted as he came closer.

"Aren't you cold?!"

Gary came to a halt and put his hands on his knees.

"No. I jogged all the way here. I feel like I'm dying. Can't believe you do this every day."

"Well, I don't have your brains though, do I?"

"Of course you do. Smartest guy I know."

He turned his reddish face upwards at him with a smile tinted with admiration, which filled Jim with embarrassment. No knowing what to say, he gestured to the entrance of the gym.

"Shall we?"

With a nod and a pat on his shoulder, Gary entered first and couldn't see Jim's expression of anguish.

It all started well. Jim hadn't actually properly sparred since middle school but he still knew some tricks. He was so keen on trying to remember the techniques that he didn't think about anything else.

Gary had gone even redder, if that was even possible, and fell on the ground quite ridiculously several times. That was the point of course, to train, but his friend soon felt like he needed a break. 

"You're good", he noted as his back slided onto the wall to sit down. 

He gulped some water down and Jim didn't comment, choosing instead to walk around a bit and stretch his arms.

"Some of these security people are beasts. I'm never gonna win. Why are they lumped in with engineers?", Gary lamented after a minute or two. "Did you see that girl from Canada? The one who's like over 6 feet tall? And that Andorian from the Andor Rugby team. I didn't even know they <i>had</i> an Andor rugby team."

"Well, they suck if it's any consolation.", Jim said, running a hand through his hair.

Gary probably didn't enjoy sports a lot but Jim liked the Intergalactic Rugby League. 

"I'm sure you'll do great.", he added absentmindedly.

He didn't really think that he would do <i>great</i>, but Gary definitely could manage something at least, with training. Probably.

"No you're not." 

Jim looked at his friend, whose stare had suddenly gone somewhat dark. He wasn't jesting, this was an affirmation. 

"Do not lie."

The cadet's face had been stripped of all its redness. Uneasiness rushed through Jim who still stared into his strange eyes, unable to speak.

"Do not lie.", Gary repeated. 

With difficulty, Jim snapped out of it and nodded slowly.

"Okay.", he breathed.

Gary's strange temper had been a blessing in disguise, distracting Jim from his own emotions. He also never had to talk to Gary about it, which was nice. How do you even tell a friend, with a perfectly normal life, that the last time you sparred was fighting over a can of rations so violently you probably broke the guy's jaw, left him on the ground. You’d never know what happened to him it since you ran away afterwards, and you ate the ration bar, and it didn't even really soothe your hunger, and the ache in your chest got worse and worse as your chewing reminded you of how the guy's jaw cracked on the impact of your knee, that crunching noise. But you had to, right? You had to. But that noise.

"Cadet Kirk?" A voice echoed. Deep and solemn. "Are you feeling well?"

What was that thing the shrink said? Six things you can see? He could barely focus his eyes but he was sure there was a Vulcan in front of him, staring a hole into his head. They were walking around the park and Jim had probably just frozen in place. He saw it under his foot, the branch he’d walked on. The crunching noise. He nudged it to the side.

"Fine, Spock. Just, ugh...". He made a dismissing gesture with his hand. "A headache."

"You get a lot of headaches it seems. It might be wise to see a physician. Cerebral tumours are quite deadly in humans still, despite how advanced the treatments are."

Jim stared at him in disbelief. He started walking again, and Spock followed suit.

"I don't have a brain tumour. I'm fine. I just... get lost in my thoughts sometimes."

“It is a trouble we Vulcans are familiar with. Meditation could help.”

“Not sure that is for me. I’d rather not think about things too much.”

“I believe often the more one tries not to think about something, the more they do.”

So that was why Spock had entered into his life, he was some sort of self-help guru sent to him, or something? Jim couldn’t take it seriously. Though, Spock looked away for a moment and Jim felt his advice had sincerity to it. And, that maybe he ought to listen.

Jim let the moment pass and stared at the trees, feeling the chill wind pass through his fingers and on his nose.

“By the way Spock, you have to study hard and win one the Science spots in the cadet trials. Just imagine us on that ship, having adventures!”, he beamed, after a moment.

“It is a training vessel circling the Sol System, therefore I doubt “adventure” will be part of the program.”

He truly was no fun but Jim found it… endearing. He mentally slapped himself for thinking that, though, as Spock never intended that effect. That couldn’t be very nice, really. To see something that wasn’t there.

Yet, though it was delusional on his part, he was convinced they’d make it. Something in his guts knew they’d somehow end up together, up there in space. He had no idea why, he just knew.

But first, he had to ace these trials.