Chapter Text
You first have the thought in loop 87.
You’re tired, you’ve been tired, and the only things you really want anymore are a hug and for someone to tell you it’s going to be okay and mean it. And you can’t have either of those. You never will.
… Not from your party, at least.
You wouldn’t ask any of them for this. You don’t think you could even if you tried. Way too embarrassing, way too vulnerable. But Loop –
Loop is different. They get it, you think. They understand. In a way you can’t let yourself think too hard about, in case it shatters the cautious trust you’ve built.
They’ll tease you sometimes. And they’re mean to you sometimes. But when it really matters…
(You think of a hand, reaching out, poking yours.)
(You think of a panicked call, of a calm voice reminding you, reassuring you.)
(You think of words beamed into your mind, desperate, begging you please don’t do this.)
(You think of…)
Still, even then, you can’t just say it. It’s too embarrassing, even with someone who knows you like you know yourself. You need an excuse.
It only takes you until loop 91 to come up with one.
“We should fight,” you say the next time you visit the Favor Tree. Loop's eyes go wide, and you realize that you maybe could've worded that better. Whoops.
“My, stardust, have you finally decided to put me out of my misery? Or maybe you're hoping for the reverse? Decided there's not room in this time loop for the both of us? It won't make a difference, you know. No matter who wins, we'll both be back in our places in time for curtains next loop.”
You roll your eye. They're so dramatic sometimes. “You know I didn't mean like that. Not to the death or anything. Just – for fun. Wrestling, or something. You can't tell me you don't want something new, too, after all these loops.”
“Hm.” It's a paper-thin excuse, and you both know it. It's so obvious what you're really going for here, because you could have suggested literally any other kind of fighting than the one that involves the most physical contact possible.
But it allows you to ask for something you'd never work up the courage for otherwise. Allows Loop to accept, without the humiliation of admitting that they're just as touch starved as you. Assuming they don't take the chance to pull the curtains away to make fun of you for it instead, but – “Alright. I suppose it would be interesting. And I haven't exactly gotten in any fights since I was – since I got here. I could use the practice.”
You politely ignore the way they trip over their words. It's only fair, since they didn't say anything about your excuse.
“Okay,” you say, eyeing them. “So. How do we want to do this?”
Loop shrugs. “I dunno. It was your idea. You figure it out.”
You huff, annoyed, but take a moment to think it over. “Uh. Okay, yeah, I guess just – probably no Craft or weapons, maybe we count down from three and then… go for it??”
“Sure.” Loop gets to their feet and stretches. It's right about then that you realize you've never actually seen them standing up. They're a little bit taller than you, which kind of surprises you for… some reason.
Okay, no. No time to think about that. Gotta focus, or they'll win easily. You ready yourself and nod, and they do the same. You count down from three, and…
They lunge first, crashing into you, and even though you're expecting it you still jolt with the sudden touch. You don't quite get your bearings back in time to defend yourself, and they tackle you to the ground.
It's hard to think like this, honestly. All the physical contact is – kind of overwhelming. In a good way, maybe? Probably? But it's still a lot. At least you're pretty sure they're dealing with the same thing, because once you both hit the ground they kind of freeze up for a moment. Eyes wide, arms around you in something that's less of a tackle and more of a hug at this point.
You take advantage of that. Because as much as you wouldn't mind staying like this for a little longer, you have to at least try to keep up the illusion that you're here to fight.
The two of you roll around in the dirt, fairly evenly matched once you've both adjusted to all the touching (as much as you can when every point of contact feels a little bit electrified, at least). You don't know quite how long it lasts, but eventually you gain the upper hand. Not by a lot, just enough to give you a slight edge, but –
[Stardust, look out-!]
It startles you, beamed into your head in the same way they do their whole… tutorial thing, urgent-sounding enough that you listen and jerk your head around to look for whatever they saw. It's just enough for them to turn the tables, knocking you flat on your back and pinning you to the ground.
“Stars,” you gasp, strangely breathless in a way that's not quite explained by having the wind knocked out of you. “That wasn't fair, Loop.”
Loop grins wildly, and despite the fact that they don't have a mouth, despite the fact that they're kind of always smiling to some degree, you can tell that it's real. “Enemies won't play fair, stardust. Better learn that while you can!~”
You roll your eye. That doesn't even make any sense. It's not like you're going to be in a situation like this in the House. In there, you have your dagger and Craft at hand, and you're leagues more powerful than almost every Sadness you could come across. But you don't say that, still holding onto the flimsy excuse you gave earlier.
“Uh huh. Sure, Loop. Well, that was fun, but I should be heading to the clocktower soon, so I'll see you next time, I guess?”
You wait for them to get up, maybe give you a hand up if they're feeling extra nice, but they… don't move.
“Hm,” they say, tilting their head like they're really considering it. “I don't know. I think I kind of like you like this, actually.”
“Um.” Your face feels – really warm, suddenly. You know they don't mean it like that, obviously, but still – “What?”
Loop laughs, moving a hand from your shoulder to cup your face, and you can't help but lean into it. Just a little. It's almost gentle, so very at odds with the words they're saying, with the way their eyes curve into a grin that screams danger, danger, danger.
It’s intoxicating.
“Like this, stardust. Helpless, you know. I could kill you right now, and there would be nothing you could do.”
You swallow hard, and Loop's eyes dip to the movement of your throat. They move their hand again, from your face to your neck, and rest it there. Not squeezing, just… there.
“Oh, it wouldn't make a difference in the long run, of course,” they continue, brushing a thumb over your pulse point. You know it must be going a mile a minute. You wonder what it feels like to them. What their pulse feels like right now. If they even have one. “You'd just loop back and undo it all. But you'd still know, wouldn't you, stardust?”
“Know… know what?” you manage, voice barely audible. Loop leans in like they're trying to hear better, even though you know they don't need to. They know what you said already. Probably know exactly what's going through your head right now, too. The cocktail of adrenaline-fear-excitement rushing through your veins. The exhilaration of whatever this is.
“That I'd won,” Loop whispers in your ear, and you shiver. “That your life was in my hands, and I didn't hesitate to take it. That I'd killed you and felt no remorse. What would that do to you, I wonder? To the way you see me? I so want to know~”
“Do it then,” you say, impulse getting the better of you. And you almost immediately regret it, except for the fact that you… also don't, entirely? Loop said it themselves, after all – it's not like it will matter if you die. And it would be something new, wouldn't it?
… Besides. Every way you've died so far has been different. The banana peel, the Death Corridor, the Tears, the pineapple, Sadnesses, the King, the –
They all feel different. Getting frozen in time feels different than bashing your head open on a rock, which feels different from choking on fruit, which feels different from getting crushed by a boulder, which – well, you get the idea.
But all of them are so… impersonal. Even the King is just killing you because you're in his way.
This, though… this feels almost intimate. And that's weird, you know that's weird and messed up and you shouldn't want to die, you don't want to die, but you –
You… kind of want Loop to kill you.
“I – what?!” Loop flinches back, eyes wide and startled. Jerking their hand away from your neck and clutching it to their chest like you'd burned them. Backtracking the second you take their words seriously. “Stardust, you – you're joking, right?”
You think about it. Take your time considering it, so you can give them an actual answer. And come to the same conclusion.
You want them to kill you.
You shake your head. You're not joking. You mean it.
Loop laughs a little, nervous, maybe flustered. You think they're glowing a bit brighter than usual, but it's hard to tell, and you have no way of knowing if that's their version of blushing anyway. But it still makes something in your gut flip, in a way that isn't entirely unpleasant. “You're not joking. You want me to – stars, what is wrong with you-?”
You can’t help but laugh, too. You could easily make a list, but you have a feeling the question was rhetorical. They already know exactly what’s wrong with you, after all. “Aren’t you the one who started this? Are you saying you don’t want to?”
“Saying I –” Oh, they’re definitely glowing brighter now. Avoiding your eye, too. “That’s not… look, if you need to loop, you know where the banana peel is.”
You do know. But – “No.”
Slowly, giving them plenty of time to move away if they want to, you reach out. Take their hand, still clutched to their chest. Bring it to your lips, carefully press a kiss to their knuckles. Then guide it to your throat.
“I want you to kill me, Loop.”
They inhale sharply – do they even need to breathe? Wait, no, not the point – but… they don’t pull back. They’re glowing so bright you can barely look at them. You’re almost certain that’s their way of blushing now, and that makes you feel – some kind of way you’re a little afraid to acknowledge. So you don’t, instead focusing all your attention on Loop, on how wide their eyes are, on the way they’re leaning forward the slightest bit in anticipation, on how carefully their hand cradles your neck, as if you’re something precious.
For the briefest of seconds, you almost feel like you are.
“Stardust,” Loop murmurs, and your breath hitches. “Do you really want this? You know there’s no rewinding to escape if you change your mind. We’ll both remember no matter what.”
You nod. You don’t even need to think about it, anymore. You want it more than anything else right now. You want like it’s all you know how to do. You want so much you’re certain your face must be stained dark with it.
“A-alright.” Loop shifts, finally reaches their other hand to join the first, wrapped around your neck. They don’t use any force, at least not just yet. Just… sit there, the two of you staring at each other, barely daring to breathe.
Not that you’ll be able to for much longer, anyway. At least not if Loop would get to it already –
“Are you sure about this, stardust?” Loop asks again, still somehow hesitant. “Last chance to tap out.”
Is it really still not clear? Yes, you’re sure! And you’re getting impatient, too! “Stars above, Loop, if you don’t start strangling me right now I’m going to strangle you.”
Loop barks out a startled laugh, and just like that, the tension that had been so present a moment ago is broken. It wasn’t your intent, not really, but you suppose you’re grateful for it anyway.
Besides, as certain as you are about this, you want Loop to be certain too. You don’t want to force them into it. And – and you don’t think they would let you if this wasn’t something they wanted too, and besides it’s not like it is with the others, where you can manipulate their responses because you know all the right things to say and they won’t remember a thing, but you still have to make sure, because you’re –
– aah-!
Loop’s hands tighten around your neck a little, enough to make it hard to breathe, enough to snap you out of your spiral. Like they knew you needed it.
They probably did.
“Oh, stardust,~” Loop sighs, and the mood shifts again, the tension twice as thick now but in a completely different way. “Do you really think you could force me into anything I didn’t want to do? You think I don’t want this?”
“Loop,” you say, involuntary. Their expression shifts into something incredibly smug when you say their name. But they don’t tighten their grip at all, just tilt their head in question.
“Answer me. Do you think I don’t want this just as much – no, more than you?”
They do, don’t they? You can tell, can see it in their eyes, and it makes you dizzy.
You shake your head, and – stars, Loop loosens their grip-!
“Out loud, stardust!~”
You shudder. “I – I don’t think that, Loop –”
“Good.”
And Loop squeezes.
You let out the beginnings of a yelp, the noise cut off by the sudden pressure on your throat. Your body responds on its own, hands going up to clutch at Loop’s wrists, trying to pull them off you, and they pause. For a horrible second you think they might stop, but – no. They gave you the chance to back out, and you didn’t take it. They’re not going to stop now, not for something as silly as your instinctive reactions.
“It’s too late now, stardust!~” they say, sure enough, as their grip tightens again. Expression manic, in a way you’re certain you’ve never seen on them before. “I’m going to kill you!~ It’s what you wanted, after all! It's what you asked for!!! For me to choke the life out of you steal the air from your lungs watch the life leave your eye for me to kill you!!!”
You claw at their arms, body desperate for escape, but they don't let go, don't even flinch. They lean over you, press their forehead to yours. Nearly hot enough to burn, nearly bright enough to blind your remaining eye, and you would gasp if not for the lack of air in your lungs.
“Oh, stardust,” they whisper, like they’re telling you a secret, one they’ve never told anyone before. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this.”
Your vision starts blurring at the corners. You're still struggling, but it gets weaker and weaker and you know, you know, there's nothing you can do. You're going to die here, and you're –
“– Terrified, aren't you?” Loop coos. “You're adorable like this, you know. Utterly defenseless, powerless, pathetic. It hurts, doesn't it? You want it to end, don't you? Don't worry, my darling stardust. I won't drag it out much longer.”
More pressure. Tighter and tighter and tighter, and you think they’re saying something else now but you don’t know you can’t hear it over the ringing in your ears it’s too much you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can't breathe you can’t breATHE YOU CAN’T BREATHE YOU CAN’T BREATHE YOU CAN’T BR E A T H E YY O U C A N ‘T B R E A T H E ——
You
feel
a —
[ LOOP KILLED YOU. ]
Loop 92
You’re
alive again.
You lay in the field, stars dancing behind your eye, until Mirabelle comes to wake you up. And then a little longer after that, for good measure. Heart pounding so loud you can barely hear yourself think, staring up at the sky,
you breathe.
In… and out.
In…
and out.
In…
and
out.
You stay there until your heart stops trying to beat its way out of your chest, until you can breathe without feeling the phantom sensation of Loop’s hands around your neck, tightening, crushing –
It was nothing like any of your previous deaths. Something new, almost exhilarating, despite or maybe even because of the panic that had pumped through your veins.
You haven't felt anything like that in months worth of loops.
You remember the look on their face, their almost giddy expression as they'd choked you. The way they looked when they told you they've wanted to do this for ages. The way they'd so clearly meant it. Your heart stutters thinking about it, but – but not with fear, and that doesn't make sense. It should be scary, right? Because doesn't that mean they'd do it again, doesn't that mean they'd happily kill you for good if they got the chance?
And yet, and yet, and yet.
You don’t think you’d mind all that much, if it was them. You think it’d be okay, maybe, if it was them. Which is – weird, okay, you know it is, you’re so weird – but maybe it’s okay in this case, because you’re pretty sure Loop is just as weird as you.
… You should… probably talk to them. Maybe not right now, maybe you both need a bit of time to recover, but. You want to ask if that can… be an option, in the future, even if just because it’s leagues more preferable than the banana peel. Maybe not every time you need to loop from Dormont, but.
But.
Something on the table, at least. Variety is the spice of life, after all – or death, in your case.
But that can wait. You have all the time in the world.
For now, you just breathe.