Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Seiko grinned as she white-knuckled her boat’s steering wheel. She was speeding across the sea, eager to see what the ever-eccentric Steve Cobs had done, going to the island nearby. It was early in the morning– and her partner certainly felt it– but she could smell a scoop. She knew it. As she squinted into the sun, though, she noticed something.

“Hey!” she called to her partner Fennel. “Do you see that? Is that another boat?”

The spice jar in question snapped to attention from where he was (probably) falling asleep and shaded his eyes with his hand. Indeed, squinting against the sun, both could see it– a boat was idling nearby. A large one. “Yep.”

“Should we go ask them if they’ve seen–”

“I don’t care…” Fennel griped.

“I’m getting in close, then!”

“Wait, what–”

Seiko ignored Fennel’s griping as she pulled in close to the boat. It was white, orange, and red, and significantly larger than her small personal boat. It sounded its horn.

Seiko called up. “Hey! Anyone up there?”

Two figures idly peered over the deck– two cameras. “Hey, who’re you? Where’d you come from?” the shorter black one asked.

Seiko gulped. “Uh, I’m Seiko Carder, and this is my partner, Fennel Jarvis. I’m a reporter with Wireless Magazine, and I’m looking for–”

“A reporter?!” the taller, white camera gasped. She seemed shocked. “You’re from– somewhere else?!”

“Yeah…?” Seiko trailed off. “We’re here looking for Meeple CEO Steve Cobs…”

The cameras shared a glance before both jumped down onto Seiko’s boat. It rocked, and she reached out a hand to steady herself, reminding herself that she had her waterproof case on. They closed in on her, and Fennel was next to her in an instant. “Take us with you! Please!”

Fennel and Seiko shared a glance. This… wasn’t what they expected. Fennel broke the silence. “What…?”

The shorter camera nodded. “See, we’ve been looking for civilization– off the islands, that is– but Boaty didn’t know where to go.”

The boat’s horn honked.

Seiko just stared. “Wait a moment, back up. You’re throwing a lot of info at me, here. Let’s start with your names.”

“Our… names…” The cameras shared a glance. The shorter camera cleared his throat. “Well, I’m Camera Number One.”

The taller camera stuck out her hand. “And I’m Camera Number Two! Behind us is Boaty. It’s nice to meetcha!”

Fennel arched an eyebrow. “Am I still out of it, or did you just introduce the boat to us?”

The boat’s horn honked.

“Is there someone else up there?” Seiko asked. “And what kind of names are–”

“Yes, Boaty’s alive!” Camera #2 complained. “Why does nobody notice?”

Seiko and Fennel took a moment to process what they were hearing. Fennel because he was still tired as all hell, and Seiko because she felt like her brain was short-circuiting.

“Now, about showing us to civilization…” Camera #1 asked, sensing a pause.

“Yeah, how about no.” Fennel said. “Climb back up on… Boaty… and leave us alone.”

“Ugh, you’re really being this heartless?” Camera #2 complained. “We’ve been stuck here forever!”

‘Stuck…?’ Seiko mouthed to herself.

Fennel just sighed. “Listen, don’t make us force you off our boat.”

“Hey,” Seiko noticed. “Where’s your protection?”

“Our… what?” Camera #1 asked.

“Your protection!” Seiko repeated, gesturing to the translucent shell surrounding her body. “Like my case! It might be a bag, or…”

The two cameras just stared blankly.

“We’re electronic objects,” Seiko repeated, with increased urgency in her voice. “If you fell in the water, that’d be it for you! Are you waterproofed?”

“Uh, I don’t know…?” Camera #1 replied.

“You don’t know if you’re waterproofed, and yet you’re going out on a boat with no protection??” Seiko asked, her eyes going wider with every word. “Do you have a death wish??”

Both cameras were visibly anxious now. “Wait, we could–” Camera #2 began. “Really? That’s a thing??”

Seiko and Fennel looked at each other. “Of course it’s a thing??” Seiko began. She took a moment and a breath. “You’re telling me you seriously didn’t know about the basics of waterproofing?”

Fennel sighed. “Let’s just go, Seik. These idiots seem like scammers, anyway.”

“We’re not! I promise!” Camera #1 pleaded.

“Get back up on your boat,” Fennel commanded. “We can’t help you.”

The two cameras huffed. “Sure, fine!” Camera #2 fired back. “You just told us we could protect ourselves from death and you’re just leaving us??”

“Not leaving,” Fennel clarified. “We’re heading for the nearby islands. You’re welcome to follow us.”

“Ugh, but that’s where we–” Camera #2 began, but Boaty’s horn cut her off.

“You’re right, Boaty,” Camera #1 said, climbing back up on. Camera #2 followed.

“See y’all around, I guess…?” Seiko waved. The two cameras had unreadable expressions, looking from her to each other, as Seiko revved her little boat back into gear and took off toward the little island on the horizon.

Chapter Text

Fennel sighed as he stared behind the boat. The cameras’ boat, “Boaty”, was following them, although he supposed that was to be expected.

“Let’s try and lose those guys,” he suggested.

Seiko stared down at him, expression unreadable. “Why…?”

“They’re scammers. No living boat looks like that, and no actual people are named like that!”

Seiko returned her eyes to the water ahead. “No scammers would go out on the ocean without waterproofing.”

“Maybe they’re waterproofed and pretended to not know they were.”

Seiko sighed. “Maybe? Something seems off, though.”

“If they’re not idiot scammers, we can cross that bridge when we disembark,” Fennel pointed out.

Seiko didn’t respond.

The reporter duo lapsed into silence as the boat approached the island. Fennel took one glance and rubbed his eyes. Patterned mountains in various colors dotted it, visible even from their distance, like something from a children’s storybook. A giant cliff stretched out on the left side of their perspective, and trees dotted the landscape.

“Is this the place?” Fennel asked.

Seiko nodded. “Yep. GPS says we’re here. Why do the mountains look so…”

Fennel didn’t know how to answer that one.

“Well, in any case,” Seiko paused, “I’m gonna try and land us on that beach. I don’t see a dock anywhere.”

Fennel looked to where Seiko pointed. The beach looked fairly gradual there. “Will the boat be alright?”

Seiko shrugged. “This baby’s been through worse. As long as we don’t need to leave in a hurry…”

Fennel nodded. “Fine by me.”

The ride to the beach was fairly smooth– Seiko had experience sailing. The boat gently glided right up to the beach, and the reporter duo grabbed their bags and disembarked.

Once they were on dry land, Seiko held up a hand. “Gimme a second.”

Fennel nodded and turned away, inspecting the nearby landscape. A second later, Seiko had her transparent waterproof case safely tucked into her bag.

“Now, I guess we just search?” Seiko asked, looking around. “He can’t be that hard to find.”

“Who’re you searching for?”

Fennel stopped, and Seiko whipped around wildly. The cameras hadn’t landed yet, and that voice was neither of theirs…

“Who’s there?” Fennel asked, turning around.

“Down here!” The reporters looked down at their feet, only to see…

A beaming face.

On the ground.

Fennel screamed and began to back away. Seiko also screamed, but she brought her foot down on the face. Hard.

It– he?-- teleported nearby. “Ow, rude!”

“Devil face!” Fennel cried.

“My name is The Floor, not ‘devil face’,” the face protested.

“Back on the boat, back on the boat!” Fennel screamed, hoisting himself over the railing.

Seiko, meanwhile, tried to bring her foot down on the face again and again. “What… are… you?”

“I’m The Floor,” he repeated. “Now, please stop! Ow! STOP!”

The ground began to shake, knocking Seiko to the ground. She stopped. “What was– was that you?”

“Yep!” The Floor responded. “Now stop hitting me!”

Seiko slowly got to her feet. “Sure. What are you? Where’s your body?”

“I kinda… don’t have one?” The Floor looked… sheepish.

“That’s… impossible! Unheard of! How does that even work?” Seiko continued.

The Floor sighed. “I guess… MePhone didn’t really think me through?”

Seiko had trouble parsing that sentence. “Can you… repeat that?”

“I said, MePhone didn’t really think through how I worked.”

“I’m… not really sure what you mean by that…” Seiko began.

The Floor’s expression shifted from a grimace to a dawning realization. “Hang on, what’s your name?”

“Seiko Carder…?” the lady in question trailed off. What was happening?!

“Seiko, got it.” The Floor said. “Be right back.” And, with a pop, he vanished, making Seiko jump. She looked around for a minute, before settling on calling back to her boat.

“He’s gone!”

Fennel descended. “Good. What was that?”

“I don’t know,” Seiko admitted. “Can an entire island be alive?”

“Nope,” Fennel said. “At least I don’t think so.”

Seiko sighed. “Right. What have we stumbled into?”

With a pop, The Floor reappeared. “Hi! Who exactly are you two?”

Fennel jumped. “Uh–”

“Reporters,” Seiko said. “We’re here looking for Steve Cobs…?”

The Floor’s eyes went wide. “Right. And what is Inanimate Insanity to you?”

“Inanimate Insanity?” Seiko questioned. “How is that relevant?”

“Can you please answer the question?” The Floor urged.

Fennel, still uncertain, spoke up. “It’s… a reality show. I’ve never watched it, but I know Cobs is involved with it?”

The Floor somehow only looked more uncertain. “Right. Let me get this straight– you’ve never watched Inanimate Insanity?”

Seiko raised her hand. “I have, but only once. My mother got really into it and made me watch an episode.”

The Floor looked around. “Right. You two had better come with me.”

A boat horn sounded as Boaty pulled closer to the shore. The two cameras were visible on the deck, waving.

“Ugh,” The Floor sighed. “I didn’t know those two had made it out yet. We’d better get going.” He began to glide across the ground.

“Are they dangerous?” Seiko asked.

The Floor stared at her. “No, not at all. Just annoying.”

Seiko went to follow The Floor. She locked eyes with Fennel, who gestured towards their boat, but Seiko shook her head ‘no’. She wanted to get to the bottom of this, no matter how weird.

Fennel sighed. He really didn’t want to be here right now. Nevertheless, though, he wasn’t about to let Seiko be taken away alone to get mauled by a crazy floor-face. He fell into lockstep behind her, and the two were led away from the beach.

Chapter Text

The Floor lead Seiko and Fennel to a field. A mostly complete building was visible on the other side. Fennel raised an eyebrow at chunks of… something littering the field off to the side. He tried to get a better view, but they were too far away to tell exactly what it was.

A pair of objects awaited them in the field– a periwinkle file cabinet and a red paper fan. The two were whispering about something while the file cabinet wrote in a paper file. They straightened up when they noticed The Floor returning with the two reporters in tow.

“Are these the ones?” the file cabinet asked.

The Floor grinned. “Yep! Who else would they be?”

The file cabinet just chuckled. “Fair point.”

The Floor realized something. “Oh, yeah, before we begin, Cabby– I saw Boaty and the cameras.”

The fan raised an eyebrow at this. “Boaty? How’d he make it out?”

‘Cabby’ rooted around for a file, pulling it out and jotting something down. “We can ask them later. For now, we have other priorities.” At this, she turned to the two reporters, sticking out a hand. “Nice to meet you both. I’m Cabby, and this is Fan.”

The fan in question waved, an unreadable expression on his face.

Seiko grabbed it and shook it. “I’m Seiko. This is Fennel, my partner.”

Fennel continued staring at the chunks of… something… across the field. “What’s with everyone’s names here? Why is everyone just named after their object?”

“Wow, jumping right into it, huh?” Fan chuckled. “Well, uh, before we explain that, we have a couple questions for you, if that’s alright?”

Fennel’s frown deepened as he turned to the two– no, three, The Floor was still here. “Why?”

Seiko stuck her hand out in front of him. “Don’t mind him. Sure, we can answer some questions!”

Cabby smiled. “Great! Firstly, and most importantly– why did you come here?”

The Floor interjected. “They told me they were searching for Cobs.”

Fan grimaced a little. However, he quickly recomposed himself. “Why would you want to know where he is?”

Seiko just shrugged. “We’re reporters, and Cobs has yet to return. We figured something fishy was going on.”

“Fishy is certainly one word for it,” The Floor remarked.

“Is that it?” Cabby asked, continuing to write in a dark gray file. “Are you just searching for Cobs?”

“The man’s one of the richest and most influential people in the world,” Seiko said, shrugging. “We’re probably just the first.”

Cabby, Fan, and The Floor all looked… unsettled.

“What’s the matter?” Seiko asked.

“Uh, nothing,” Fan said. “Cobs… isn’t here anymore.”

“He isn’t here anymore?” Seiko parroted.

“Uh, actually–” The Floor began, but Fan kicked him a little, and he shut up.

“Yeah,” Cabby said. “He was here, and now he’s not. Sorry!”

Seiko narrowed her eyes. These three were getting at something, and she couldn’t tell what. However, she decided to play along for now. “That’s unfortunate… Do you have any other questions?”

Fan nodded. “Yes! Okay, does everyone in the outside world have a name like you?”

“A name like mine?” Seiko asked. “What do you mean?”

“Like, a name that isn’t just your object.”

“Yeah…?” Seiko trailed off. “Why is that not the case here?”

Fan and Cabby turned to each other. Fan leaned in and whispered something that looked like “Should we tell her?”

Cabby looked uncertain, before turning back to Seiko. “That’s… a long story. You said you and your friend were likely just the first to arrive here from the outside?”

Seiko was thoroughly unsettled by this point but decided to continue. “Unless Cobs reappears, then yeah.”

Fan’s expression turned frantic and started hyperventilating. “Are we going to be crawling with outsiders soon? They’re going to–”

Cabby cut Fan off. “It’ll be fine, Fan. As long as we have a liaison, things should work out, at least for a little while.” She paused to search through her files.

Seiko just arched an eyebrow. “So, what exactly is this place?”

Fan regained his composure quickly. “This is Inanimate Island, home of Inanimate Insanity!”

Seiko took a step back. “You’re lying.”

“I’m not,” Fan said.

Seiko took another step back. “That’s impossible! I watched an episode of the show, it was so low-quality it didn’t look real! Plus, someone got cut in half!”

Fan’s eyes sparkled. “Wait, you’ve watched it? Which episode?”

“Something about a boxing tournament, I think?” Seiko replied. “My mother made me see it. Regardless, there was no conceivable way any of that was real!”

Fan chuckled. “It was. Look it up, if you need.”

Cabby looked up from a light-green file she’d been looking through. “Hey, Floor, could you fetch Clover? And… someone from the boxing episode? I think they’d be best to explain this here.”

“Who was in the boxing episode?” The Floor asked.

“Paper, OJ, Apple, Taco,” Fan began to list. “Pickle, Bow, it was Marshmallow’s elimination…”

“I’ll see who I can find,” The Floor promised, vanishing once again.

Seiko had tuned all of that out, though. She had a startling thought– where was Fennel? He hadn’t said anything in a while. She glanced around, noticing he was gone. When had he wandered off?

She looked around the field, finally spotting his figure, far across the field near the mystery chunks. He was frozen.

Cabby and Fan noticed, too, as Seiko looked in that direction.

“Oh no–” Cabby began.

Seiko began to walk towards Fennel.

“Please, don’t,” Fan said, stepping in front of Seiko.

Seiko stepped around him. “What’s going on here, really? I know my partner. He’s not one to freeze at the sight of anything. Fight or flee, perhaps, but…”

Fan and Cabby followed Seiko. Cabby was the first to speak. “I know it may sound unbelievable, but–”

“Have we stumbled into a cult?” Seiko asked. “Your names, everyone being stuck or trapped…”

“No!” Fan protested. “It’s… a lot weirder than that.”

Seiko ignored Fan and Cabby’s blabbering, as she finally realized what those chunks, scattered across the field, were. Her breath caught in her throat as she put the pieces together in her mind. Her pace quickened, ignoring Fan and Cabby telling her that she didn’t understand, she didn’t get it, they knew it looked bad. She practically ran across the field, hoping to whatever deity existed out there that she was wrong.

She wasn’t. She slowed to a stop next to Fennel. The two stood there, staring…

…at giant pieces of popcorn.

Chapter Text

Seiko knelt down and gingerly, carefully, picked up one of the kernels. She felt it– it was real. She felt her stomach violently churn. This isn’t what she signed up for.

Fan was still blabbering as he and Cabby caught up to the reporter duo. Cabby reached out a hand to shush him and turned to the others. “It’s understandable that you might be… disturbed… but we can explain.”

“Explain…?” Fennel’s voice was quiet and halting, his gaze still transfixed on what remained of the… corpse.

Seiko turned to the duo. “Is this Cobs?”

Cabby’s expression was unreadable. “Well, yes, but–”

Seiko tasted bile. “How?”

Fan and Cabby just stuttered.

Seiko turned to the two of them, fighting back the urge to vomit or cry or scream. Fennel moved closer to her. “Popcorn– needs heat… prolonged–”

Fan raised a hand. “Actually, intense heat over a short period of time would…”

“Was it an accident?” Seiko cut him off. “Did Cobs get involved with something and you just happened to be here?”

Cabby went silent. Fan, though, swallowed and stepped forward. “Now, I know this looks bad, but the man was horribly evil!”

“You killed him,” Seiko took a step back. “You killed Steve Cobs!”

“Fan, stop talking,” Cabby hissed, but the paper fan did not relent.

“So what if we did?! That man was trying to commit genocide!”

“On who?!” Seiko shot back. “Who is there to genocide here?”

“Aliens…?” Fan trailed off.

Seiko and Fennel shared a glance, understanding passing between them. Whatever the hell was going on, whatever Fan and the others were hiding, was not what they’d expected.

Fennel was the first to find the courage to start running. Seiko followed, clutching the popcorn kernel she was holding tight to her chest.

Cabby and Fan shouted, but Seiko and Fennel tuned them out. Their heads pounded as they sprinted away as fast as their legs could carry them. Fennel led the way, trying to remember the way the Floor had led them. The duo got onto the beach and glanced around, looking for their boat. It was quite a ways down the shore, and between them was– Boaty. The cameras, too.

Fennel glanced at Seiko. He knew Cobs was shady, but this was… not that. He may not care for him, but the man didn’t deserve to be barbecued!

Seiko frowned. Did they want to deal with Boaty and co.?

Cabby’s wheels squeaked somewhere behind them. They didn’t have a choice.

Taking a deep breath, they sprinted along the beach.

The cameras looked up at their approach. “Hey,” the short one spoke up, “What’s going–”

He was cut off by Fennel shoving him to the side. “Hey!” Camera 2 protested. “Don’t just ignore us!”

Boaty honked.

The duo kept running, the cameras joining the pursuit.

They were about ten feet from the boat. They were about to climb over and get out of there, when–

Pop.

“Can you just listen?” The Floor was there, looking worried. “Put down the popcorn and stop running!”

“You– murdered Steve Cobs! You and your weird cult!”

“We’re not a cult!” The Floor protested. “And we had a good reason, I promise–”

He was cut off by Seiko and Fennel running right over him.

Fennel’s leg went into his mouth. The glass jar shouted, trying to stay upright, but…

Crack!

Seiko gasped as Fennel went down and collided with a rock. He was definitely unconscious now.

The Floor winced, moving away. “I didn’t mean to!”

“Get out of here!” Seiko yelled. She didn’t mean to yell, either, but it slipped out. “Just go!”

The Floor sighed, warping away.

Seiko turned back to her friend, even as the cameras approached. She winced, realizing she probably wouldn’t have time to put her case on.

She threw the popcorn kernel and her bag up onto the deck of her boat, turning to Fennel. A spiderwebbed crack spread from a spot square between his eyes. Thankfully, Fennel’d had shatterproof film applied to his glass, so no pieces were missing and no cayenne was leaking out, but that was a nasty injury. Not unfixable, though. The first thing Seiko did was make sure Fennel’s lid was still on tight– it was, thank goodness. She knelt down and picked him up. It was heavy, but suddenly, it got easier. Seiko looked up and saw–

Camera Number Two, helping her lift him. “Listen, we don’t know what’s going on,” she said, “But we need your help. All we ask is you take us with you.” Camera Number One nodded, standing off to the side, armless.

Seiko sighed. She wasn’t going to refuse help. “Fine. Help me get him back onto the boat.”

“The others are coming,” Camera Number One warned. Indeed, Cabby and Fan were rapidly approaching, alongside a green four-leaf clover, a sheet of notebook paper, and a glass of some orange liquid– orange juice? Wait, Seiko'd seen those two before...

Seiko shook those thoughts off as she and Camera Number Two lifted Fennel onto the deck and set him down. Camera Number One, also on board now, looked out at the approaching group. “They look worried. Probably gonna try and keep you here.”

“Let’s go, then!” Seiko said, hurriedly throwing her case on.

“Wait!” Camera Number Two realized. “One of them is Clover!”

“I don’t care who that is,” Seiko replied. “All I care about is getting out of here!” She ran to the ignition and began fiddling with it.

“No, you don’t understand!” Camera One cried. “Clover is–”

The boat’s engine coughed, sputtered, and did not start. “Ugh!” Seiko protested, trying again. “This engine shouldn’t be doing this, I promise! Of all the rotten luck...”

“That’s the issue!” Camera Two cut in. “Clover’s–”

“There we go!” Seiko sighed, as the engine finally roared to life. The assembled group of cultists– or whatever they were– were approaching the boat. “Let’s get out of here!”

She tried to back the boat away from the beach, before remembering it was grounded.

“Shoot. Well, someone will have to push–”

The engine exploded in a burst of dark, sooty smoke.