Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Evan “Buck” Buckley was not an honest person as much as he would like to be or even was trying to be in his own way. His dishonesty wasn’t malicious in the slightest though. He had his reasons, of course, but his entire identity was built on a shaky Jenga tower of lies. As much as he built it up, one by one the blocks were still removed over the years making the tower less and less stable. This all led to his current predicament where the tower’s foundation was being ripped out from under it. He was getting ahead of himself though. He should probably start at the beginning from when he’d built that first layer of the tower.

Evan had left home on his 18^th birthday in the Jeep his sister had gifted him. Knowingly or not, she had given him the freedom he so desperately needed at the time when he needed it the most. He was finally able to escape, to leave. Not knowing what the hell he was going to do to earn enough money to live in anything better than said Jeep, Evan stopped by the first military recruitment office he passed, which happened to be one for the Navy.

After listening to the recruiter’s spiel, he still wasn’t sure he was ready to sign a binding commitment for either four or six years since he’d just gotten his first taste of freedom ever. The SEALs though…they didn’t require a commitment before training. It was the perfect opportunity to give it a try before signing his life away. Plus, the recruiter had said they were the best of the best, and Evan had always been told he just wasn’t enough. He was lacking. He was a disappointment. Being the best…it was like he could remake himself into someone better, someone worthy, someone that mattered.

Evan told no one. He sent his sister a postcard for some random location he had passed through and mentioned a random job in it before entering training so that she wouldn’t worry about him. It was his first lie. He was very aware that Maddie was not in a good home situation, and Evan knew she didn’t need the added stress of worrying about him either making the SEALs or not. Besides, he still wasn’t sure he was going to stick with the military.

To his own and even his trainers’ surprise, Evan excelled. He threw himself into every challenge, continually going above and beyond. He had a feeling that while this made him a great SEAL candidate, it probably wasn’t the healthiest mentally, but what did he know. Whatever the reason, he found a place where he fit in. He found a home. The promise of a team that would become like a family was what had him actually signing that contract at the end of his training. Not only did he sign a contract, he went ahead and signed on for six years. What did he have to lose? There wasn’t anything waiting for him back home.

Evan left training as a demolitions expert with quite the talent for destruction. This got him a placement on a well-established team, and one that after a little initial testing and some hiccups, accepted him as one of their own. It was everything he’d always wanted. He had a team, a family. He traveled all over the world seeing great wonders, yes, but unfortunately mostly he saw the worst of humanity. Even with the death and destruction though, when his contract ended, he still signed on for another six years.

Evan was no longer Evan; he was now Sketch to his family. For better or worse, this was due to his ability to shrug and give his head a little shake and completely shut down all emotions, all fear, all questions and focus completely, laser targeted and locked on the mission. He could wipe everything away when he needed to, just like the kids’ Etch-A-Sketch toy. He could be that robot that was necessary for the mission; he could be the man with ice in his veins, all to protect his family.

Sketch may be a different person from Evan, but he never did forget Maddie, his sister. He had gotten away from it all when she hadn’t, and he wanted her to see him and his life as happy, carefree, and something that wouldn’t cause her to worry over him in the slightest, maybe even a bright spot when she spared a thought for him. He asked his squad members to have their families send him some postcards from wherever they were from, and he made up a new job for each one, hoping she would get a kick out of him traveling all over the country doing crazy things, living his best life. Sketch knew he wasn’t living his best life, but it was his life, and it was mostly fulfilling. He could tell himself he was protecting people, even when he also knew he was the reason many people were no longer in this world.

When Sketch first signed on and started as a SEAL, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was still in effect. It was repealed a year into his first contract, but it was still there underneath his thoughts and actions, the same as it was for many of his fellow service men and women. The law might be gone, but the mentality lingered. This wasn’t a huge deal for Sketch even though he’d finally been able to admit to himself mid-way through high school that he was bi. So, he dated girls when he had the time, and just never mentioned the occasional guy to his team, or anyone, on the rare occasion he allowed himself to approach a man at a bar.

That was until he met the gorgeous and brutally efficient Alejandro Gonzales. Ale was their squad’s new sniper who started in Sketch’s fourth year on the team. Ale was also one of the most compelling reasons Sketch signed his second six-year contract. The new sniper was an out and proud gay man, and Sketch fell head over heels faster than a freefall from an airplane without a parachute. When their team didn’t even blink an eye at the pride flag Ale hung in their team room, Sketch had tossed out a mental ‘fuck it’ and immediately came out of the closet and asked Ale to drinks in the same day. It turned into the healthiest relationship Sketch had ever had in his life, romantic or otherwise. It was the first time he felt safe with another person, like he wouldn’t be discarded the moment he became difficult to be around or ceased to be useful.

When Ale took Sketch to meet his family in Peru after they had been together a while, Sketch bought a postcard and sent it to his sister, claiming to currently be a bartender in Peru for the next in his random list of jobs he’d created for her over the years. He figured that if this thing really did work out with Ale, which he hoped beyond reason it would, he now had a reason for having met his boyfriend. It was the next layer of the Jenga tower of lies he was building.

One year into his second contract, Sketch’s life ended. The team was in a classified location doing classified things that ended with Sketch frantically disarming an IED while his team stood a safe distance away in case he was unsuccessful. Ale was yelling at him the entire time that he better live through this or Ale would pray to his Abuela in the afterlife to give him hell until Ale could do it himself. The IED was a trap, and there was a second one and a group of insurgents which none of them had seen.

Five seconds after Sketch disarmed his IED, Tex, their medic, stepped on a landmine over where the team was waiting before the small group of insurgents descended upon their location. Hulk, their team leader, tried to pull them all together, but Tex was already gone, Ale was bleeding out from shrapnel, Sketch was trying to stop the bleeding, and Hulk himself had already been shot. The rest of the story Sketch had to be told later since he really didn’t remember any of it. All he knew was that his life had ended in that moment.

Somehow, Sketch had completed their mission on his own, which was rescuing a group of hostages from the very same insurgent group. He finished the mission, but his team didn’t. They didn’t make it. He was the only one able to walk away, and he had two bullet wounds and shrapnel in his side as a parting favor.

Sketch was told that he’d given his report to their squad commander back after being extracted, before having a complete mental breakdown. It seems there were downsides to completely repressing all emotions. Apparently, there had been screaming, crying, throwing things, and it took three people to sedate him to get him into surgery to remove all the extra metal currently residing in his body.

His therapist later told him that he could read the after action report he’d given to find out what exactly happened, but Sketch didn’t want to know. It didn’t matter anyway because they were all gone. Tex, Hulk, and Ale were all gone. His entire team. The other members of his squad who hadn’t been sent on this particular mission were still there for him; they were there when he finally woke up in the hospital, and they tried to pull him back together, but his team was just erased. Ale and the future he and Sketch had planned were gone.

Neither Sketch nor his superiors were optimistic he would recover from this. His doctors and his therapist patched him up though, physically and mentally, before shipping him back to the Coronado Naval Base to recover. Sketch did actually recover (mostly). He still had five years on his contract though, and the brass weren’t sure what to do with him after his breakdown and still tenuous mental state as well as his reluctance to return to his squad without his team there. Eventually, they shoved a Purple Heart and a Naval Distinguished Service medal in his hands and gave him two options. He could either take an honorable discharge or serve out the rest of his five years in the reserves.

Sketch really didn’t know what to do with his life now. He’d been a SEAL since the day he left home at 18, and he didn’t have any direction for his life or any skills besides death and destruction. His superiors were pushing the reserves option since someone as talented with explosives as Sketch was someone they wanted to keep around even if he was basically promised to never be deployed unless as a last resort.

Sketch ended up choosing the reserves. Since he had no direction, he didn’t really want to be completely turned lose on the outside world with absolutely no income and no idea what to do next. Also, he liked his therapist. If he was discharged, he could get a new one at the VA, but if he stayed in the reserves, he could keep Dr. Graham and either attend sessions on base or do them virtually. He really didn’t want to explain to anyone else ever again what had happened with his team, and Dr. Graham already knew.

Sketch unlocked the Jeep his sister had given him all those years before that he’d had shipped to San Diego and set out once more on his own with no one. It was his second brush of freedom, and he still didn’t know what to do with it, and this time he didn’t want it. He ended up driving just a little over two hours away and stopped in LA. Los Angeles seemed a great place to start over, to be a new person. It was a city that so many people before him had gone to in order to do just that.

Sketch just kind of fell into training to be a firefighter, just like he had the SEALs. He’d seen Backdraft on TV one night and thought the LAFD would be perfect for his skillset. It was the only thing he could think of that he could feasibly do with his training that wouldn’t bring more violence into the world. Actually, after the amount of explosions and incendiary devices he'd set in his life, putting out fires seemed a type of absolution. Plus, the training would be a breeze after BUD/s, and he would have a team again. He needed a team again. He was adrift, and he was not ok in the slightest. He hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep since the mission that ended it all and wasn’t expecting one in the near future.  

Sketch started the fire academy as Evan but quickly became Buck when there were already three other Evans in his class. Sketch had died with his team, but Buck was someone new, someone he’d never been before. Buck quickly became a carefree 27-year-old who hadn’t lost the love of his life and his entire family all on the same day.

When Buck finished the fire academy, he had several stations trying to recruit him. The 118 was never even on his radar because they didn’t need a new probie. However, one of their current firefighters abruptly transferred to air rescue just before the academy graduation, and suddenly a spot was open. The LAFD brass assigned Buck to the 118 over the other stations recruiting him since the 118 was one of the busiest stations in LA because of its location and area of service.

Buck stepped into his new fire station on his first day as a firefighter highly anxious about his reception from his new team. He didn’t want to explain his time in the SEALs at all; he didn’t want to explain how he got his Distinguished Service medal; he didn’t want to explain why he was no longer active duty. He knew it was going to come up though and they would have questions. In dread, Buck walked up the stairs to the loft and looked at his new team gathered around what looked to be a delicious lunch. They were a diverse group of different ages, races, and genders. More importantly, they were talking and laughing and looked like they truly enjoyed each other’s company. It was the brightest spot of hope Buck had in a long time.

“Uh, hey…I’m Evan Buckley, the new recruit,” he said to the group, bracing himself for whatever was going to come his way. “I was told to report to Captain Nash.”

“Do you know a Captain Nash?” An older firefighter turned and asked the others who all looked confused and shrugged. Buck stepped back, wondering if he’d really screwed up so much on his first day to arrive at the wrong fire station.

The older man’s face broke into a smile before he shoved an empty seat out from the table. “Welcome, Evan,” he grinned, clearly Captain Nash.

Buck sat down with a smile. “Everyone just calls me Buck,” he told them, relieved it was only some innocent hazing, nothing he hadn’t expected. He could do this. He could make these people his new team.

“Welcome to the 118,” Captain Nash said kindly, pushing a bowl of spaghetti his direction. Buck thought he might be able to breathe again. No matter how many questions they asked or how much they pried, this was his new team, his new family, and he was damn determined to make this work. If this new team didn’t work…well, he didn’t think even Dr. Graham could help him.

Buck had only worked for the 118 for a few hours before he finally and very surprisingly determined that Captain Bobby Nash had not read his resume. The man clearly knew all about his time at the academy in great detail and his impressive record there (more impressive since he was currently still recovering from being shot and blown up and having a mental breakdown). It seems that since Buck had been assigned to the station over being chosen, his new captain just took him as he was and didn’t look too much into his past. Something that made more sense the more he learned about Bobby Nash.

Bobby was always willing to give someone a chance and didn’t hold their pasts against them. Somehow that translated to him not even touching Buck’s resume though as shocking as that was. Although, Bobby probably assumed Buck’s resume didn’t have anything very relevant on it with Buck only being 27 and not transferring from another station or department.

When Buck finally realized that no one actually knew he’d been a Navy SEAL for the past seven years, an idea began forming in his mind. The next layer of the Jenga tower of lies was lain as Buck decided he could completely remake himself once more. He hadn’t been Evan in years, he couldn’t be Sketch anymore, but Buck…Buck was a new person.

No one needed to know how much death he’d caused, no one needed to know how much he’d lost, and no one needed to know anything more than what he told them willingly. He could be an entirely different person…maybe who he really was without all the expectations of his past on him. He had never had the opportunity to make mistakes before without severe consequences as either Evan or Sketch. Buck was an opportunity to find out who he was when he could be a dumbass or a fun-loving guy or a goofy kid or whoever he wanted to be with no life-altering repercussions.

So, Buck told them basically the same story he’d told his sister over the years. He absolutely loved to do research into anything and everything, which had been great for his former team and their missions, and he had done quite a lot of research already about every job he’d told his sister he’d had in case they were ever on speaking terms again. All the jobs and all the bouncing around would also explain some of his travels and odd knowledge base.

Eventually, he did mention training to be a SEAL to Bobby but added the lie that he’d washed out. He discovered that he needed to explain away some of his more military reactions and capabilities that he may let slip, plus, Buck hoped it would bring more trust in the field with rescues. The tower was well-built and strong. He was Buck, the frat-boy, golden retriever, reckless firefighter who was beyond happy to be part of a team again. He could let the past go. He didn’t have to be Sketch anymore.

The first time Buck almost came clean to anyone was actually early on in his time at the 118 when he’d learned about Bobby’s past as an alcoholic and the death of his family. Bobby felt like he had so much to atone for, and he was drowning in it. It was slowly killing him. Buck almost told him about what he, himself was atoning for. They had so many similarities in why they did this job.

He almost told Bobby that he had become a firefighter to save people, to atone for those he’d killed. Except Buck, no Sketch, had knowingly and willingly killed in the military on his orders. Bobby’s circumstances were completely different. What had happened to his family had been an accident, one that was arguably more his landlord’s fault even than his own (though Bobby would never believe that).

In the end, Buck held his tongue and decided it wouldn’t help. Bobby didn’t need him to try to empathize when it wasn’t the same situation. It would probably only make it all worse. He’d be there for the man who was rapidly becoming a father-figure in his life unlike his own biological father ever had been. Bobby needed Buck, not Sketch. No one needed Sketch, but Buck, well maybe Bobby could use someone who made him laugh and even exasperated at times to pull him out of his own head.

Ok, so the first iteration of “Buck,” which he would later call Buck 1.0, definitely did have some problems. Buck would be the first to admit that. There were flaws in the design. Eventually, he realized this wasn’t who he actually wanted to be.

Dr. Graham made him see that he couldn’t just push Sketch into a box and leave him there without acknowledging everything he’d gone through. He was still grieving and doing everything in his capabilities to both connect with people, push them away, and self-destruct to an epic degree. His therapist didn’t actually agree with his decision to lie to his team and try out being a different person, but he also couldn’t come up with a good argument (one Buck would listen to anyway) to get him to stop.

Dr. Graham did however have a very strong opinion about the department therapist Buck had been required to see after losing a man on a rescue attempt. It hadn’t been the first person Buck had seen die, clearly, but it had affected him much more strongly than he thought it would. This wasn’t a war zone, and he wasn’t an active SEAL at the moment. He wasn’t Sketch who had no emotions, he was Buck who wore his heart on his sleeve. When Bobby ordered him to see someone about it, he couldn’t tell his captain about his military therapist, so he agreed to see one of the department ones.

When Buck later talked to Dr. Graham about how his therapist had sex with him during their session, he was clearly reminded that his military therapist was still an active-duty sailor based on the language growled into the room. Now they had so very much more to talk about, starting with how Buck used sex to connect with people and also punish himself, moving on to how he still let his parents and DADT affect him and keep him from coming out to his team as bi, and moving on to how he was basically sexually assaulted since he as a patient was not in a position to consent, and ending with how very little self-worth Buck had for himself at this point. Buck was also absolutely certain Dr. Graham had a major role in the fact that the woman was no longer a therapist with the LAFD and probably didn’t have a license to practice anymore either.

“So, you actually see yourself as three different people, don’t you?” Dr. Graham asked in their very next session after the one where even Buck had learned a few new swear words from the man.

Buck frowned at the question. “No…I mean, I don’t have multiple personalities if that’s what you’re asking.” Dr. Graham raised an eyebrow and dramatically ran his pen across the page of his notes as if scratching something off.

“Ha, ha,” Buck deadpanned, knowing his therapist’s dry humor by this point.

“I know you don’t have Dissociative Identity Disorder, Petty Officer Buckley,” Dr. Graham said firmly. “But you do refer to Evan, Sketch, and Buck as three different people.”

Buck grumbled for the millionth time. “You could call me literally any of those names over Petty Officer Buckley,” he glared. “Seriously, pick any of the others, please.”

“Well, if you explain how you are and aren’t three different people, then maybe I’d have an easier time picking which one to call you,” Dr. Graham challenged.

It was difficult to explain though. Buck had tried to explain it to himself, and it was his own damn mind. “I know I’m me…but it feels like I’ve lived three different lifetimes,” he finally said slowly, trying to find the words. “Evan was so afraid of being alone. No one wanted me around and they made that very clear, exceptionally clear. My parents only saw me and gave me any positive attention when I was injured because they didn’t want to be perceived as being ‘bad’ parents. They had extremely high expectations of me that I could never reach, and they made it well known that I was a disappointment. I most likely would not still be here if I hadn’t been able to get away.”

Dr. Graham definitely made a note of that. Buck couldn’t blame the man. Evan had issues that had issues, and Buck was still dealing with them. “Sketch was a part of a family, which Evan never really had been,” he continued. “When my family was gone…then who was I? That second lifetime was so centered around my team and Alejandro. I had no friends outside the military, no hobbies even. And now Buck…”

“You’re doing the same thing once again,” Dr. Graham stopped him. “Buck’s identity is based around the 118. You don’t have friends or hobbies outside of your job.”

Buck paused and thought about that. It wasn’t really a problem though. Not yet anyway… “So, I should probably make a friend or date someone outside of work.”

“Yes, Buck, you definitely need someone outside of the 118,” Dr. Graham nodded firmly.

“Hey, you called me Buck,” he grinned at the stoic man who just rolled his eyes in response.

Buck 2.0 was born from those sessions with Dr. Graham. This new iteration would no longer use sex as both reward and punishment, and he would try to actually connect with people on an emotional level instead of a surface level, something he’d been terrified of doing since Ale and his team had died. Buck 2.0 was still not ready to come out to his team even though he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt they would be accepting. He didn’t want to come out because he still couldn’t talk about Ale, and he knew he’d want to tell them, but then everything would come out, and he couldn’t acknowledge Sketch again, not right now, not yet.

Buck 2.0 found Abby, and she was a beautiful soul. She was outside of the 118 family and someone only tangentially connected with work, so she fit Dr. Graham’s criteria. She was also older, which aligned more with all the life experiences of Sketch than the frat boy persona of Buck, but which he appreciated nonetheless. Abby was someone he could see making a life with. He didn’t love her like he still loved Ale, but that was ok. This relationship was different. He knew he was forcing something, but they had time. They had time to make this work.

It turned out they didn’t have the time he assumed they would. After her mother died, Abby left to find herself, something Buck was still doing for himself. Of everyone, Buck probably understood the best what Abby was doing and why. He supported her; he would give her the time and space, and he would wait for her to come back to him.

The first piece of Buck’s carefully constructed Jenga tower was removed when Maddie showed up once more in his life since he really hadn’t told anyone anything about ‘Evan’ at the 118 at all. However, Buck would never be upset that Maddie had found him again. He loved his sister and was so very glad she’d gotten away from her abusive husband, but that also made his tower of lies much less stable. He team wondered why he’d never mentioned a sister, his sister noticed he was different even with all the years they hadn’t spoken, and everyone poked holes in his relationship with Abby now.

When Maddie moved into Abby’s place with him temporarily, it was also harder to hide his one weekend a month and two weeks a year he had to report to the Naval base for the reserves. It had surprisingly never been a problem at work. If Bobby had known about the reserves, it wouldn’t be an issue at all since there were protocols and policies in place with the department. As it was, Buck picked up so many extra shifts for his co-workers, that there were always people who owed him a favor to take those times when he was scheduled to work. It was harder to explain away to Maddie though.

He made it work with more lies and evasiveness. It helped that Maddie was distracted by her new job as a 9-1-1 dispatcher, her budding new relationship with Buck’s coworker Chimney, and her worries that her ex, Doug, might find her. Buck was worried about Doug too, but more that he wouldn’t be there if Maddie was found than about Doug himself. If Doug showed up, Buck could handle the problem if he was only there. On that level, he really didn’t care if all his secrets came out in the slightest if it was between protecting Maddie and keeping them. 

The next piece of the Jenga tower was removed when one Eddie Diaz started as the new probationary firefighter at the 118. Buck hated him on sight. It wasn’t even that there was anything wrong with Diaz, really there wasn’t anything wrong with the man, it was what he represented. Diaz was a threat to who Buck had made himself into. To add insult to injury, Bobby had clearly both recruited and read their new firefighter’s resume, unlike Buck’s.

First of all, Buck would be the first to admit that Buck 1.0 made some very reckless and childish mistakes, and this Diaz person could definitely be there to replace him. He had only had his new team for a year and wasn’t ready to give them up. Second, Diaz was a former Army medic, and if anyone was going to catch the fact that Buck was also military, it would be this man. He was pretty certain their paths had never crossed in Afghanistan, but still, as much as Buck was an expert at this point in hiding his past, this guy was dangerous. And thirdly, Eddie Diaz was the sexiest man Buck had seen…probably ever (sorry Ale, but he would agree). His carefully constructed ladies’ man image was in danger from the amount of drool he had to repress the moment he saw the man.

Buck might hate the guy on principle, but he winced at Eddie getting the very treatment he’d dreaded so much on his own first day at the station. As soon as Chimney and Hen started asking about his Silver Star, Buck changed the subject to ask about his name and what Eddie was short for. He could see the same sadness in Eddie’s eyes that he’d seen in the mirror so many times. Some of his resentment chipped away at this, but he couldn’t let it go, there was too much at stake. It didn’t matter how very alike they were; Buck wasn’t Sketch anymore, and he didn’t want to be dragged back there.

“I’m not threatened by you,” Buck said slowly, almost threateningly, to the new probie where they had been talking in the station gym. He was actually, but not how Diaz was implying.

“There’s no need to be, we do the exact same thing,” Diaz said with a smile that was not as kind as the words. “I’ve just done it while being shot at.”

Buck’s jaw snapped shut, and he felt Sketch right below the surface. He pushed down everything within himself. It wasn’t anger at what Diaz had said, it’s not like he knew. It was the memories that the off-hand comment had brought up. It was the memory of being shot. Of seeing his team blown up. Of killing people himself. Diaz didn’t know how much that one sentence had felt like shrapnel digging into him once more.

The second time Buck really thought he was going to have to come clean and tell his team who he actually was happened just a few shifts after Eddie joined. They still weren’t on the best of terms, but that didn’t matter when a man with an unexploded but armed grenade embedded in his leg lay between them in the ambulance.

Buck recognized the ordinance immediately, knew how to disarm it, but didn’t have the medical training to know how to do it while keeping the man alive or the tools on hand even if he had it removed. It turned out he needed Eddie for the medical knowledge and would just have to make do without the tools. Eddie was thankfully taking lead on explaining the difference between a practice round and a live round to Bobby while Buck’s brain was running through all the scenarios.

“We’ve contacted the military. They’re sending someone up from Pendleton now. It’ll be an hour though before they’re able to get here,” the man from the bomb squad informed them all outside of the ambulance.

Eddie was already shaking his head. “The patient doesn’t have an hour.”

Buck actually opened his mouth to fess up and explain that he could remove the grenade. Actually, if the Marine base had known he was there, they would have told him to handle it himself regardless.

“I’ll do it,” Eddie offered before Buck could say anything. Buck blinked in shock. Eddie spun some story about being able to do it, but Buck knew better. This guy was the real deal. He was volunteering so no one else would get hurt, so the patient wouldn’t die. Eddie absolutely did not have the training to do this.

This was how Buck found himself in the ambulance with Eddie removing a live grenade from a man’s leg. He hadn’t been around explosives outside of his reserves training in over a year, and Buck found himself slipping more into Sketch than he wanted. They got the grenade out though and put it in the box provided by the bomb squad. Yeah, they had a few minutes tops before that went off anyway since Buck couldn’t disarm it without at least some tools.

Buck hurried them along as quickly as they could safely move the patient and left the box in the truck. Everyone was clear of the ambulance which would contain the explosion, and the patient was being wheeled into the hospital. Everyone was far enough away, and Buck was vigilant in keeping it that way. Any second now…

“Hey, you’re a badass under pressure, and you can have my back any day,” Eddie broke into his thoughts with a kind smile this time on his face. Damn, but that smile could make a person go weak in the knees!

The very last of all Buck’s resentment slipped away like water. It had become clear that Eddie wasn’t hired to replace him over the past few shifts they’d worked together, and probably on track to be his partner actually. He still wasn’t sure that Eddie hadn’t figured out he was military, but if he had, he didn’t seem like he was going to share that with anyone. If Eddie hadn’t figured it out yet, Buck was tentatively hopeful that he wasn’t likely to at this point. And lastly, Buck still thought the man was sex on two legs, but that was a Buck problem, not an Eddie problem.

“Or…you can have my back,” Buck offered sincerely, the offer meaning much more to him than Eddie would ever know. Buck had everyone on his team’s back. He’d die for any of them. However, Buck hadn’t let anyone ‘have his back’ since he’d lost his first team. He loved his new team, but he didn’t trust them like that. He couldn’t. Something told him that he could trust Eddie though. Something he’d probably need to pick through with Dr. Graham at some point in the distant future, but not right now.

Eddie laughed and the ambulance exploded. Two beats two late, Buck ducked. He’d been distracted by his conversation with Eddie while expecting the explosion, so he hadn’t reacted as quickly as he should have. Eddie tilted his head to one side with a raise of his eyebrow. “Anyone hungry?” He asked the team instead of bringing any attention to it.

Buck breathed out in relief and smiled at his new teammate. “I could eat.”

Eddie has a son. Buck absolutely loved kids and still kept in touch with Hulk’s kids in Indiana when he could. If Eddie was going to be his partner at work, Buck knew that a good relationship with his family was imperative. Not only did Eddie need to trust him, but Eddie’s family needed to trust that Buck had Eddie’s back. This might be a holdover from Sketch, but it was one he still fully believed in and embraced. Also, in Buck's world, having Eddie's back, also meant protecting his son. That's just how it was.

It certainly didn’t hurt that Christopher was the cutest and best kid in the world. Buck may already be a bit biased though. The kid was just so adorable, and smart, and offered to play video games with Buck anytime, clearly trying to get more screentime out of his dad as much as an attempt at bonding. Buck respected the hustle.

Buck had never felt the need to protect someone like he wanted to protect Christopher ever before, and it wasn’t because Christopher was a kid or that he had CP. He fully believed Eddie when he said Chris was the light of his life. Buck would protect Chris for Eddie, but also because the kid was quickly becoming the same for him. Everyone else in his life could protect themselves on some level and didn’t appreciate his meddling, so while Buck was protective of everyone at the station and his sister, it wasn’t the same. Buck wanted only the best for Chris, all the good things and none of any of the many horrors he’d seen in the world.

Eddie knew something was a little bit off with his new partner at work. It’s not like he was concerned or really suspicious, but he had a strong feeling that Buck’s past wasn’t exactly how he portrayed it to everyone at the station. All Buck’s stories were a little too vague in the broad strokes with too many details thrown in when someone questioned him. Buck’s response time and spatial awareness were also way above normal. Yeah, Buck had been a firefighter longer than Eddie, but even so, there was just something a little extra about how competent Buck was at his job even if his personal life was a disaster.

What was up with this Abby person anyway? Did Buck really not see that he was being ghosted? And why was everyone dancing around telling Buck to move on?

Eddie didn’t think it was his place since he’d never actually met Abby before, but someone, probably Bobby with how Buck clearly looked up to him as a father-figure, someone needed to tell Buck to move on. It was like his new friend just didn’t know how to let go.

Based on his suspicions and what he’d learned about Buck’s sister Maddie, Eddie was starting to believe all Buck’s idiosyncrasies, almost paranoid awareness, and attachment issues were from an abusive childhood. Granted he hadn’t known Buck for long, but the man never mentioned his parents. He’d asked Hen once about Buck’s family, and she didn’t know anything either. Actually, no one really knew much about Buck’s past besides some very surface level stories. It seemed they hadn’t even known he had a sister until she had literally shown up on his doorstep.

Initially, Eddie wasn’t sure how Buck was going to take him having a kid both with Buck being a young, single man and with what he suspected about his childhood. Christopher was the most important person in Eddie’s life though, so they’d eventually have to meet. He was also self-aware enough to know he shouldn’t drive with how keyed up he was at the end of their shift after the earthquake. Eddie’s hands were shaking from the adrenaline and how tired he was, but Buck’s hands were rock solid suprisingly. So, when Buck offered to drive him to pick up Chris from his school after their shift from hell was finally over, he figured that time was going to have to be now.

Despite what Eddie assumed was Buck’s abusive childhood, or because of it, Buck instantly fell in love with Christopher. Chris was already calling Buck his best friend by the time Buck pulled up in Eddie driveway, and Buck just echoed that sentiment right back at Eddie’s son. Eddie really hadn’t thought his carefree, fun-loving partner would want to hang out with a kid, but somehow Chris had already wrangled a video game and pizza night for the next weekend with Buck, and they were both giving him puppy-dog eyes to approve.

“Dios mio!” Eddie groaned and dramatically clutched his chest. “There’s two of you now!”

“Come on Dad,” Chris pouted.

“Come on Eddie,” Buck pouted just as much.

“Fine, but we’re at least getting a few vegetables on the pizza so we can pretend it’s healthy,” he gave in with a chuckle, looking forward to the event now himself.

“Long as it has pepperoni too,” Chris grinned and shared a fist-bump with Buck.

“It’s a date! I’ll pick you up for work and school tomorrow, Diaz’s!” Buck called over his shoulder before jumping back into his Jeep.

Eddie frowned and processed that. His truck was still at the station because Buck had driven them home. Was he really planning to pick them up for work and school? Eddie had just resolved to take an Uber to work and ask his Tia Pepa to come pick up Chris for school.

“See you in the morning Bucky!” Chris called with a wave before a smiling Buck backed out of the driveway and was off once more. Huh…Eddie wasn’t sure how he felt about all this, but he was looking at it all with a slightly more hopeful tinge than he had looked at anything in a very long time.

Chapter Text

The third time Buck almost told everyone about his past was when Doug found Maddie. Buck had finally had to let go of Abby and realize she had found herself, and Buck wasn’t a part of her new identity. He was currently living on an air mattress on Maddie’s floor, but even then, he still wasn’t there when Doug showed up and stabbed Chimney and took Maddie.

Doug took Maddie, and Buck didn’t have a SEAL team behind him. He didn’t have the weight of the US Military and their intelligence and satellites to find her. He only had himself, and telling people about his past would only bring more attention to himself. People would watch him more and take attention away from the search.

Of course Athena caught him trying to break into Chimney’s phone to find Maddie’s location. Buck had been out of the game too long. Hospital jail was frankly insulting to all his covert skills, and Ale was definitely laughing his ass off in the afterlife. It all proved though that he wasn’t actually alone. He’d always thought before that Athena just tolerated him on account of Bobby, but there she was, helping him find his sister like Buck and Maddie both were a part of her family. He'd never felt like he had a mother-figure before besides Maddie, but Athena, she just stepped into that role and pulled him together when he wanted to fall apart.

The last thing Bobby had told him before Buck and Athena left the hospital to track down Doug was to not lie or withhold information from Athena. Buck assured him he wouldn’t. And he wouldn’t. If it became relevant, he would tell her. He would tell Athena to hang back and let him handle the situation if it got too dangerous. Unfortunately, he was also completely without any weapons. Currently, he kept all his gear in a storage unit when he wasn’t reporting to base since he was living with Maddie, and he hadn’t had time to go there in all the chaos. It didn’t matter though; Doug wasn’t walking away from this if he had anything to say about it at all.

Then they found them in Big Bear. Doug was dead; Maddie killed him, and Buck was only sorry that his sister now had to live with that now.

It had taken a lot of thought, a panic attack, a call with Dr. Graham, and a video chat with Ale’s mother in Peru before Buck was able to make the decision he knew he needed to, that he should have done long before now. He needed to tell Maddie about his past. He had to finally come clean to someone. If he didn’t, he would regret it later. Even if Maddie was never in danger ever again, he’d regret not letting her into his life. If she was in danger again, he wanted his sister to know to call him first and how to protect herself though. Most of all, he also wanted her to know she wasn’t alone in what she was dealing with.

“I have a therapist,” Buck said abruptly over his coffee cup when Maddie was finally out of the hospital, mostly physically recovered, and finally free enough to meet him at a diner for breakfast before their shifts. He needed to do this in public so he could leave if it got too emotionally taxing, so that Maddie wouldn’t feel cornered in her own home by her dangerous brother, and frankly to keep himself from breaking down yet again.

“Oh…ok…um, I’m proud of you,” Maddie told him with a smile that said she did know where he was going with this but still meant the words.

“Thanks…I…well, a lot went down with me that you don’t know about,” he expanded slightly.

Maddie clearly didn’t know what he was talking about now. Her smile fell and concern lit her eyes before she reached over the table and took Buck’s hand in hers. “At home? After I left?” She guessed.

“No…I mean, well yeah, but that’s not why I got the therapist,” Buck waved her off, not wanting to talk about that.

“Buck…Evan…”

“Look, just…let me get this out,” he cut her off, not wanting them to get sidetracked talking about their poor excuses for parents. “I need to tell you something, and I can’t tell you everything, legally and because I just can’t.”

“Ok…” Maddie squeezed his hand but didn’t look any less confused. Buck knew he wasn’t doing this well, but he needed her to know. Dr. Graham had told him so many times to let people in, and if there was one person he was going to let in, it would be the sister who basically raised him.

“Well, you’ve probably guessed why I’m bringing this up anyway, but just hear me out,” Buck gave a little self-conscious laugh. He’d never done this before. Even in his interview with the LAFD fire academy, they hadn’t asked much about his time in the military since they had everything they needed to know in his records and knew most of it was classified anyway. Telling someone felt like opening a wound that had scabbed over but never healed.

“So…first thing, I think you should think about getting a therapist. Killing someone is something that you don’t walk away from unchanged, as much as Doug deserved it, and he doesn’t deserve to keep affecting your life now,” Buck told her seriously, taking her hand in both of his now and ignoring his eggs pushed off to one side.

“I don’t know…I don’t think I’m really a therapy person,” she crinkled her nose. “There’s a lot I don’t really want to talk about with anyone.”

“I know that feeling intimately,” Buck sighed tiredly because he really hadn’t slept with the anxiety of what he was about to do. Hell, this was the first time he’d had to tell anyone this ever since Dr. Graham already knew when he took Buck on as his patient. “But take it from me…these shadows, you don’t want them following you around.”

“You sound like you know what you’re talking about,” she frowned even further.

“Because I do, Maddie…the second thing is that I want to teach you how to fight,” he said, knowing this is where he was really going to have to explain himself. “You did so good when you had to, but that was too close. I want to teach you how to protect yourself, but I also don’t want you afraid of me, and I’m scared if I try to teach you how to fight you will be…”

“I’d never be afraid of you, Evan,” Maddie vehemently assured him. “I think there are maybe better people to teach me how to fight though, little bro. You know you’ve always been a lover not a fighter.”

He was already shaking his head though. “I’d never hurt you, Maddie, but I think you’ll be afraid of me once you know everything.”

“What am I missing, Buck? Talk to me,” she said with as much love in her tone as Buck had ever heard. It broke his heart, but also gave him hope that they could get through this revelation.

“All those postcards…” he said, closing his eyes because he couldn’t see her expression when he said it. “They were all lies. I didn’t work those jobs or go to those places…or most of them anyway. I have only ever worked one job from when I left home until I joined the LAFD.”

The extended silence had him finally open his eyes. Maddie looked something between sad and confused. “Why? Why lie to me about that?” was all she seemed able to ask. “What job?”

“Because the postcard where I said I joined Navy SEAL training but left before the end…I didn’t wash out,” he said slowly, hoping she would understand. “I didn’t want you to worry about me. I didn’t want to cause you more pain.”

Maddie seemed to be processing what he was saying. “Buck…are you saying that you were a Navy SEAL for…six years?”

“Almost seven,” he nodded. “Technically, I still am. I’m in the reserves with an agreement that I won’t be deployed except as a last resort until my contract runs out in three more years.”

“Three years!” Maddie gasped in something between shock and horror, seeming to get caught on that fact over all the others.

“Yeah, I reupped for six more years when my first contract ran out,” he winced. It had been a good idea at the time when he had a team that was his family and a man he loved and wanted to spend his life with. Now, it was just a reminder of all he’d lost.

“Then why the reserves?” She shook her head, saying no even as she was accepting what he was saying. “Is that normal?”

“No,” this was where he couldn’t go. He had to take a step back. “Look, something happened. I can’t talk about it. Half of it is classified, and half is that I just can’t go there yet.”

“Oh, Buck,” all her confusion rushed off her face to leave just care and concern for her brother. She might not know anything, but she knew enough to realize it was bad. “I’m so sorry…”

“I know, Maddie,” he assured her quickly. “I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad or worry. I promise, I’m actually doing pretty good right now. However, from someone who knows, can you believe me that a therapist is a good idea, at least for a little while as you recover?”

She pursed her lips but gave him a short nod. “Look, I’ll think about it. Especially now that I have all this trauma of my baby brother lying to me for years.”

Buck frowned. He couldn’t tell if she was joking or not. “Maddie, I’m so sorry…”

“Joking, sorry,” a flash of horror at his reaction crossed her face before she reached out and squeezed his hands again. “I mean, yeah, I definitely have questions, but also we didn’t talk for years, so I kind of get it. But I’m sorry I made you think you couldn’t come to me and tell me things. I never wanted you to feel that way.”

“I always knew I could,” he said instead, because it was true. “But I just didn’t want to burden you, and I had a really awesome team, like the one I have now. I really wish you could have met them. I don’t know how I’m so lucky to find a team so like a family twice in my life.”

Maddie shook her head though. “Buck, you didn’t find a team to love, you made them this way. People who know you, love you. They may have been together before you got there, but baby brother, you’ve always been the glue. You bring people together without even trying.”

He really wished that was true. All his life he had learned so many times it wasn’t true though, and the hard way. His parents obviously didn’t love him, Maddie had left him (not that he blamed her for that), Ale and the team had all left him (yes, not their faults either), and every single relationship after that culminating in Abby who he still wasn’t sure how to move on from. Buck wasn’t able to hold anyone together.

“Thanks, Madds,” he said instead of all that. “But, back to my earlier point. I know how to fight, and I’d like to teach you, or find you a gym and a trainer if you would rather someone else. I don’t want you to be afraid of me.”

“Evan,” she sighed. “I’ll say this again as many times as you need to hear it. I’ll never be afraid of you, baby brother. No matter what all classified things you’ve done. Because I know you. Whatever version of you that you want to be.”

He chuckled. “So, Chim told you about Buck 1.0.”

She smiled teasingly. “Buck, everyone told me about Buck 1.0, in great detail might I add, which I definitely didn't ask for. I think I would have liked him though.”

He really couldn’t help the snort. “You really wouldn’t. I think you might have liked Sketch though.”

“Sketch?”

“It was what my team called me,” he said simply, hoping she wouldn’t ask why.

“Is that like ‘Chimney,’ and I don’t want to know?” She teased again.

It wasn’t, but it also was. It wasn’t embarrassing, but she probably didn’t want to know. “Yeah, kind of like that,” he agreed instead.

“Well…we have fifteen minutes before we need to leave for work,” she rolled her eyes at his evasiveness. “Any other bombshells you want to drop on me?”

He really shouldn’t… “I’m bisexual,” he said, finally feeling free enough to say something. If she asked, he’d tell her about Ale, but he didn’t think she’d ask right now. Maybe later.

Maddie burst out laughing. Not exactly how he expected his coming out to go. “I’m sorry!” She gasped out waving her hands around. “I love you, and respect you, and all that nonjudgemental stuff, but really? Fifteen minutes before work?!”

“More or less shocking than me being a demolitions expert with the SEALs?” He asked tentatively.

Maddie choked on nothing really before laughing once more. “I think it’s laugh or cry at this point,” she finally stopped laughing enough to say. “I love you, Buck. Never change, but do please tell me what’s going on in your life now.”

“I can do that,” he said, thinking they could get through this. Maddie was going to get a therapist, learn to fight, and she was going to get past Doug and build something new and wonderful with Chimney or whoever else she chose. Buck may not be the best brother, but Maddie was the best sister, and he was going to do whatever he could to help pull her through this.

“Oh, have you met my coworker, Josh yet? He’s a really great guy,” she abruptly stopped laughing to ask with a wide grin.

Buck groaned. “Right, so I’m not out to really anyone besides you…so, please no set-ups right now.”

Maddie looked concerned again, not what he was going for. “Wait…but Hen is one of your best friends. Do you think they’re going to give you a hard time? Why?”

“No,” he said firmly. He knew his team, and no one would take it poorly in the slightest. Maybe he really did need to tell her some of the reason why he couldn’t come out yet.

“What I mean is that no one knows about me being a SEAL, they all only know the story you knew before. I haven’t come out either…because my last relationship, before Abby, was with a member of my team. It was pretty serious.”

“Oh…” she trailed off, clearly trying to figure out how it all connected.

“Before, when I first started work at the station, I knew they’d ask questions about past relationships. You know how nosey they are, and I don’t want to tell them about the SEALs yet, so I couldn’t explain Alejandro and how we met,” he said, knowing the excuse was weak, but it was still very real to him. “Now, I don’t think they would ask after everything Buck 1.0 did. That kind of warned everyone off of asking about my dating history for better or worse.”

Horrified understanding crossed Maddie’s face, and Buck knew his sister was way too perceptive. “Because he died…that’s why you aren’t active duty anymore, right? That was one of the reasons for Buck 1.0, wasn’t it? You were grieving…”

Buck sniffed and held in everything wanting to come out in tears, sobs, screams, whatever else. He made himself nod, but that was all he could do. “Please, can we…not talk about this right now. I’m working on it with my therapist, but this was already a lot,” he gasped with what air he could squeeze out of his lungs.

Maddie just stood and walked around the table to wrap him in a hug. Maybe having this conversation in public wasn’t the best idea. He was doing his very best to hold it all in, and he felt tears hit his t-shirt from Maddie’s eyes as well. “I love you,” she said into this shoulder.

“I love you too,” he sniffed. “Now…off to work?”

Maddie pulled back as they shared an awkward laugh. “I think we better before you tell me anything else earth-shattering. And, I promise, I’ll keep it all between us,” she assured him.

“I’ll tell them eventually,” he said for the first time ever. He surprised himself that he actually meant it. Buck made a mental note to call Dr. Graham. He might get a hint of a smile from the grumpy man for that breakthrough. He’d yet to get a laugh, but it was a silly little goal of his anyway. He’d already made the man swear up a damn storm once, unfortunately…probably not something Maddie needed to know.

“Whenever you’re ready,” she patted his arm as he stood. "It's your story to tell when you feel ready."

“Have a good shift, and no setting me up with your coworker,” Buck pointed at her, narrowing his eyes teasingly.

“But if we all just happen to be at karaoke at the same time…”

“Don’t you dare!”

Having Maddie know about his past was freeing. It also destabilized the Jenga tower of his lies though even more. Yes, Buck had someone who he could talk to, but that meant there were more opportunities for someone to slip up.

Maddie had a lot of questions, but she was good about not pushing him. Over time, he was able to open up more and tell her a little about Tex, and Hulk, and especially Ale and his family in Peru, and even the rest of the squad. He’d even told her about the Peru postcard and why he’d sent it.

They shared a laugh over the fact that Eddie still hadn’t figured out he knew Spanish yet as surprising as that was. Buck had to learn it to talk to Ale’s family, who he still kept in touch with as much as he could. The rest of the 118 knew because, before Eddie, he acted as translator in a pinch when they needed one, so there was a whole betting pool, run by Hen, going on for when Eddie would figure it out. It was also why Buck was firmly prohibited from telling his partner outright now to not screw up the bets. Maddie promptly texted Hen to get her bet in for that one. Maddie had been a little more shocked that he was also conversational in Arabic, but that was more as a requirement of his past job than a pleasant reason like chatting with an old Peruvian grandmother.

As much as having another person in the know worried Buck, there really weren’t any occasions that were even slightly close to him being outed…for any of it, in the time after telling Maddie. That was until the bomb and the ladder truck.

Before that though was Buck’s new relationship with Ali. The name thing kind-of bothered him, like a lot. He figured he was being a little ridiculous, but it was just so close to Ale. However, she was nice, and smart, and fun to be around. He couldn’t really see spending the rest of his life with her, but they also hadn’t really known each other for that long. He’d have to tell her about his past eventually if they stayed together, but Buck really wasn’t even sure what Ali’s middle name was at this point, so they had time.

He realized he’d had that same thought with Abby, and it was proven wrong yet again. It wasn’t any different this time, only a little more straight-forward at least. Ali was at least kind enough to break up with him to his face instead of just ghosting him for months.

The ladder truck blew up before any of them even knew there was a problem or that they should be concerned about a bomb on the truck. Buck figured there was some poetic justice in a demolitions expert dying in an explosion. Honestly, he had always been pretty certain that was how he’d go from the moment he joined his SEAL team. It was either that or dying old and in bed with Ale, but those dreams had died in their own explosion years ago now.

This explosion didn’t kill him though, as much as he wished it had in the moment. The ladder truck on top of his leg didn’t kill him either. It was Eddie who pulled him through all this by sheer force of his will when Buck really just wanted to let go.

Buck wanted to give up, but Eddie was there at his side as soon as the bomber had been apprehended. While everyone else was trying to lift the truck off Buck, Eddie held his hand and told him to hold on, no ordered him to hold on. Buck wanted to let go. He wanted to let go so badly. He would see his team again, he’d see Ale again, but Eddie told him to stay. Eddie told him that he needed him to stay, that Christopher needed him. No one had ever really needed him…but here Eddie was saying that he was needed. He could fight for that.

Buck had already promised himself to always fight for Chris, so this fucking ladder truck wasn’t going to make him break his promise. Buck knew his feelings for Eddie were not the same as what Eddie felt for him. Buck knew he was close to being irrevocably in love with his partner. But Eddie was straight, and whatever Eddie was willing to give Buck even if it was only ever just friendship, was what he would take. And here Eddie was saying that he needed Buck to stay. That was worth fighting for too.

Buck was painfully pulled from under the truck and rushed to the hospital. He didn’t know how long he was in surgery, and at the moment he was just so very thankful for morphine. He’d always gotten more than a bit loopy on morphine though. It turned out to be a good thing that Maddie knew about his past because Maddie told him later that he’d kept asking for Maddie, Eddie, and Chris, but more concerningly for Ale and sometimes Tex. Thankfully, Eddie had assumed Buck meant him by Tex, and Maddie had redirected Ale to Ali any time Buck asked.

Ali stayed strong by his side right up until they got back to Buck’s apartment. He saw it in her eyes even before then though. She couldn’t handle him being in constant danger. She couldn’t stay with him, and Buck didn’t blame her. It was nice to know now, and it was nice that she hadn’t tried to stick it out longer. Frankly, being a firefighter was the safest job he’d ever had oddly enough. The ladder truck wasn’t his first explosion, and it was probably a toss-up with the last for how close he’d come to dying. This one though, it was going to have the most lasting complications unfortunately.

Buck morosely looked at his leg propped up on his couch, the leg that now had a metal rod and pins in it holding it together. He couldn’t even make it up to his bed in the loft. This apartment was not the best idea. Granted, he hadn’t known he was going to be blown up when he’d signed the papers. Thankfully, as of that moment, the doctor had said he would walk again, but no one was sure about him returning to being a firefighter. If that happened, he wouldn’t be able to afford the apartment either, not that his living situation was even in the top ten of his concerns if he wasn’t able to be a firefighter anymore. That probably wasn’t a good thing mentally...

Right after Ali left his loft for the last time, Buck’s former squad commander called to check in on him that first day he was back home. Steve had seen the news all the way off in Hawaii where he currently lived, and it took all Buck had to convince the man he didn’t need him to fly out to LA to both baby him and yell at him in person. That led Buck to remembering to call his current commander in the reserves who had also unfortunately seen the news. It seemed he was a little famous for the moment.

However, unlike the LAFD, the SEALs weren’t concerned in the slightest about him returning. He was already on the do not deploy list, and he could train other reservists while serving out his time if it came down to it. Buck cared much less about being active-duty ready for the SEALs at this point than the LAFD though. Either way, he had disability from the fire department, and he still had his small pay from the reserves, so he wasn’t financially hurting at the moment even with the hospital bills. Mentally though…he needed to call Dr. Graham.

Buck absolutely had to return to the fire department. He didn’t know who he was if he wasn’t a firefighter. He’d built his entire new personality around being a part of the 118, and Buck didn’t have friends or family outside of the 118. He had Maddie, but even she was with Chimney who was with the 118. He and Dr. Graham had this conversation many times since that first time. It was why Buck had originally dated Abby and even a part of the reason for dating Ali, but it hadn’t stuck. Buck hadn’t been able to establish any firm connections outside of being a firefighter as much as he had tried. He had to get back to his family.

Unsurprisingly, the people who hadn’t called to check in during all this time were his parents. They hadn’t come to LA after Maddie’s kidnapping, the daughter they actually loved, so they sure as hell didn’t come to LA after the ladder truck. However, they did send a nice bouquet of carnations and a check with quite a few zeros via Maddie, it was more insulting than anything else. He knew who his family were, and he was going to fight his way back to them if it was the last thing he did.

Eddie knew there was something up with his partner. He’d always known that since his first week on the job. He’d had different guesses as to what it was over the years, but nothing had been confirmed. Whatever was up with Buck though, he was the most important person in Eddie and Chris’s life currently, and that was what actually mattered; it was the only thing that mattered.

When Eddie's estranged wife Shannon died unexpectedly, Buck was there for them constantly, being more understanding than anyone else in their life. Buck was the one who held Chris and Eddie and cooked so much food and did the laundry and made sure they were functional. Anytime they needed anything, he was there. He was their rock. Hell, Buck had even been the one who introduced Carla to him, and she was the main reason why their family functioned at all with a firefighter’s schedule. Eddie didn’t know what they would do without Buck. At this point, he didn’t know who he was without Buck in his life as crazy as that sounded since he'd only known the man for a year.

Then a ladder truck fell on his best friend. Eddie was not handling this well at all. He knew he hadn’t really recovered from his time in Afghanistan. Mainly, he’d repressed the shit out of everything instead of dealing with it. Currently it was working for him though...until it wasn't.

Eddie had been thrown from the truck when it exploded, but he was mostly unscathed at the end of the day. He’d sat there dazed for however long just being right back in a war zone, no longer on the streets of LA. It wasn’t until he’d seen Buck that he’d returned to the present. Even then in the midst of it all, Buck was his rock. He was begging Buck to stay, and Buck just looked at him with trust in his eyes and uncharacteristically said ‘yes sir’ as if accepting an order.

Concerningly, it took a day after it happened before Buck reached out and told anyone Ali had left him. It was a day Buck was all alone in an apartment he couldn’t access half of at the moment. As soon as he got the text from Buck, Eddie was the first one over to his loft with Chris in tow. He’d set his son up on the couch with Buck to play some video games, and Eddie set to getting the loft set up for a less mobile version of Buck. He would be there for Buck just as Buck had been there for him if it was the last thing he did.

Eddie went up to Buck’s bedroom, and didn’t immediately see anything out of place…which was the problem actually. He’d never been in his friend’s bedroom before since Buck had only lived in the loft apartment for a few weeks and always came to their house when he’d had a lot of roommates before. Buck’s bedroom shared some very similar characteristics to Eddie’s room oddly enough. As in, Buck’s bed was made with military precision, nothing was out of place, there were very few personal effects, and everything was lined up and placed in the most efficient configuration in the master bathroom.

Eddie had never once thought Buck was former military and still immediately dismissed the idea. He did know that Buck had trained to be a SEAL before dropping out. Was all this still from that time? It seemed a long time to hold onto those aspects of military training.

Other things though now came to mind. First was when Buck had oddly not reacted to the ambulance explosion almost a year before, then there was that hyper-awareness that Eddie had attributed to a possible abusive childhood, which he believed even more now that Buck and Maddie’s parents hadn’t shown up after either of them were in the hospital. Lastly, some of the things Buck did seemed less LAFD and more military in protocol. Eddie shook it off though. Buck was absolutely not the military type; he was just too much of a golden retriever for that.

Eddie moved Buck’s toiletries and some clothes and anything he thought his friend would need to the downstairs bathroom to be more accessible. Eddie went back upstairs to the closet to get Buck’s favorite sweatshirt next. He pushed Buck’s work pants and t-shirts aside to find the sweatshirt and paused. Buck would probably appreciate another blanket too since he would be sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future.

There were extra blankets on the shelf above the clothes, and Eddie pulled down the one on the bottom of the pile since it looked to be the largest of them.  A thump of something hitting the floor startled Eddie, who looked down to see a picture in a frame now on the ground. Oddly, it must have fallen out of the blanket or been under the blanket.

He knelt and picked up the frame, thankful that it hadn’t broken when it’d hit the floor. The picture itself…Eddie just stared in confusion. It didn’t make sense with everything he knew of his friend. Buck was smiling broadly in the picture with shorter hair but looking exactly the same as he did now, so it had to be from no earlier than the past five or six years at the most. Buck was in the picture with another man who was well-built, had a scruffy beard, and looked of Latino descent. They were wearing soccer jerseys from the Peruvian national team if Eddie’s limited soccer knowledge was to be believed. He seemed to remember Buck mentioning he’d been a bartender in Peru now, right?

The surprising part of the picture though was that the man with Buck was kissing Buck’s neck, and one of Buck’s hands was visibly in the man’s back jeans pocket where he was turned slightly away from the camera. They looked more like a couple than Eddie and Shannon did in many of their pictures from back when they were still together. Honestly, they looked so happy that it made Eddie’s heart clinch with the knowledge that they weren’t still together and whatever loss that might have been for Buck. Buck had kept the picture, but it was hidden away and not displayed for anyone to see. That had to say something bad had happened, right?

Buck had never mentioned dating men before though. Did Buck think Eddie was homophobic? What had Eddie done to make him think that?

Now that he thought about it, Eddie didn’t think Buck had ever said anything about his own sexuality, but Eddie had just assumed he was straight based on what he’d heard from their coworkers about Buck 1.0 instead. Did their coworkers know? Should Eddie have asked or was that something you didn’t bring up but let the other person? What did he do now that he knew? What happened to the man in the photo?

Eddie put the picture back on the shelf under the blankets and grabbed the sweatshirt and blanket and walked back down the stairs in a daze. Chris was currently beating Buck at Mario Kart while they teased each other fondly. His frown softened at the sight of the two of them, his boys. Something else twinged in his chest, like the feeling when he’d realized Buck had his heart broken yet again, but Eddie wasn’t really sure what the feeling was for this time.

Whatever else, Buck was his best friend. There had to be a reason why Buck didn’t tell him, and it was Buck’s story to tell. Eddie would wait and Buck would tell him eventually when he felt comfortable. He could wait for Buck to tell him in his own time. Hopefully one day his friend would trust him. Eddie trusted Buck to have his back, so he just needed to prove to his partner that he did in fact have his as well, and Eddie really needed to figure out what he'd done to show Buck otherwise.

“Hey, Buck…I was thinking…you used to work as a bartender in Peru, didn’t you?” Eddie sat beside Chris on the couch.

“Yep!” Buck didn’t even look away from the game as he tried to cut off Chris at a turn.

Eddie studied his friend who was now shoving Chris’s shoulder playfully to get the kid to mess up, causing Chris to laugh and protest loudly. “That would mean you have to speak some Spanish, right?”  

Buck laughed, and only spared him a glance away from the game. “Sí, claro,” he laughed. His accent was clearly there but not even that bad. “Y, sí, entiendo tus malas palabras.”

“Dad does swear a lot in Spanish, doesn’t he?” Chris laughed, getting a shove from Eddie this time for the jab.

“You aren’t supposed to understand those, mijo,” he protested, now very worried about just how much his son understood. He'd been working really hard at teaching Chris more Spanish, but now he was concerned which Spanish words his son was picking up on. That was a problem for another day though. “Why didn’t you say anything, Buck?”

Buck paused the game and turned with a bright, impish grin to pull his phone out of his pocket. He texted something with that same smile on his face before shoving the phone back into his pocket and starting the game again, ignoring Eddie once more. Eddie’s phone dinged for the station group chat before going crazy with messages.

Buckaroo: Eddie finally figured out that a bartender in a Spanish speaking country would need to know some Spanish ;)

Rebar Head: Seriously!!! You couldn’t figure that out like a month ago! I lost so much money on you Eds!!

Momma-Hen: I think Maddie won the bet. What date did you have Bobby?

Cap! Cap!: I thought it would take him a solid year. So, not me. Athena says she’s out too. She had her money on that Buck would give up and finally tell Eddie.

Eddie grumbled and indignantly typed as fast as he could.

Medic Boy: I hate you guys! Why are you betting on me? And who changed the names in the group chat? I set myself as EDiaz just last week!

Rebar Head: Buck was bored last shift

Momma-Hen: You know we bet on everything Eds. How else can I afford date night with my lovely wife?

“Medic Boy changed his name to EDiaz”

“Rebar Head changed his name to Super Chim”

Momma-Hen: I like my name. Thanks Buck!

“Seriously? Medic Boy?” Eddie glared at his best friend who laughed and fell off the side of a cliff in the game. “Just how many bets am I a part of?”

“I don’t know how you spend your money, Eddie,” Buck said with fake innocence.

Eddie glared even harder. “You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, but even I don’t know the answer to that,” Buck shrugged with a chuckle. “You’d have to see inside Hen’s magic betting box, and you know she’ll take your hand off if you even look at it too long.”

Eddie grumbled some choice swear words under his breath. Buck and Chris both turned and smiled matching, huge grins at him. “Dios mio! Both you! Just go back to your game!”

Recertification was significantly easier than when Buck had first gone through the fire academy. Crushed leg or not, he was actually a little more healed this time around than when he still had a couple aching bullet wounds the first time he’d done all this. So, it was no wonder he’d broken records with his recertification. Buck was back, and he was cleared once more to return to his family and do the job he loved! It was the best day he’d had in a very long time.

Until he almost died from a pulmonary embolism right there in his captains backyard at his welcome back party.

Eddie almost lost Buck again for the second time in just months. He’d finally pushed the panic down from thinking he was going to lose Buck the first time, and then his best friend had coughed up blood in the middle of his welcome back party. Thankfully Chris hadn’t seen, but Eddie was having nightmares about it nightly now. He hadn't been doing well since the bombing, and this added a whole new layer to the trauma and flashbacks Eddie had found himself drowning in.

Something about Buck’s face…it was like he’d had a moment of relief when he thought he was dying. Eddie couldn’t get that look out of his mind. He had to be reading too much into this, right? Buck had everything to live for. He had such a full life and so much ahead of him. Eddie couldn’t lose another member of his family, not Buck, never Buck.

Buck really should call Dr. Graham. He shouldn’t be avoiding his therapist. He should get out of bed and decide what he was going to do with his life. He should call his sister back. He should do a lot of things, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do any of them. He lay in his bed staring at Ale’s dog tags in his hand. He tried to remind himself that he was more than a firefighter, but he didn’t, couldn't, believe that at the moment. What if he wasn’t ever able to return to his family? He couldn’t do light duty, not because it wasn’t needed or he thought he was better than it, but he couldn’t watch his family run out to danger without him. That would kill him faster than the blood clot had tried to.

A scrape of a key sounded downstairs in Buck’s door before the click of it being shoved open. “Do you have any coffee made?!” Eddie called up as if they were in the middle of a conversation and Eddie hadn’t just let himself into Buck’s house out of nowhere. “I’d kill for a cup!”

Buck frowned and put the dog tags back in his bedside drawer with his own before he stood to see what the hell Eddie was doing letting himself into Buck’s apartment first thing in the morning. “What…Chris? Hey, Superman!” Buck stopped halfway down his stairs to frown at his best friend and his best friend’s kid, aka his second-best friend.

“Carla is out of town, so you two are getting your butts out of bed and doing something fun today while I’m at work,” Eddie ordered them, pouring the coffee that had made itself that morning, thanks to Buck’s new Hildy coffee machine, into one of Buck’s to-go cups.

Christopher laughed giddily. “I was already out of bed, even before Dad!” He smirked before setting his crutches beside Buck’s couch to make himself at home.

“Eddie, really…”

“You’re moping,” Eddie jabbed the thermos at Buck with a glare. “It’s time to get off your ass and join the rest of us in the land of the living now. Here, don’t give him too much junk food.” Eddie tried to pass him a wad of cash, but Buck just glared at it until Eddie gave in and put it back in his pocket. Buck wasn’t that hard up for cash at the moment that he’d take money off Eddie to hang out with Chris.

“I want that thermos back,” Buck crossed his arms and rolled his eyes at the teasing smirk Eddie gave him before he kissed Chris on the head, patted Buck on the back, and left them there, just the two of them, while he went to work.

Buck sighed and turned to Chris. They had hung out a lot together over the year Buck had known Eddie, but this was the first time they were left alone for the entire day just the two of them. “So…er, what do you like to do for fun?” He gave the kid a smile that he hoped was reassuring and looked like he knew what he was doing in the slightest.

Chapter Text

The pier was a blast. Buck hadn't actually been to the Santa Monica pier before, and it was a new favorite, especially with a kid to enjoy it with him. As much as it pained Buck when he saw the firefighters from the 136 there, Chris really was a ray of sunshine that pulled him out of his funk by his sheer joy. He loved this kid more than any other kid he’d ever met…don’t tell Hulk’s kids that. He loved them too, but they weren’t really a large part of his life. Chris was in all parts of his life now though down to being the lockscreen on his phone. This kid gave him hope that everything would work out and that there was good in the world. Chris had lost his mother not that long ago, but he was still there smiling and reassuring Buck when he just wanted to curl back up in his bed and pretend he didn’t exist.

Of course, a day as good as this was too good to last. “Buck, where did all the water go?” Chris said, echoing Buck’s own horrified thoughts at the bare ocean floor that met his gaze.

Buck didn’t need to hear the tsunami siren before he realized what was happening. He’d scooped up Chris and made a run for it as soon as his brain caught up with what he was seeing. “Get off the pier!” He yelled to anyone who wasn’t already running.

Buck could swim exceptionally well and had been trained to swim in many different adverse conditions, but Chris had CP, and Buck wasn’t sure how strong of a swimmer he was. He had to protect Eddie’s son at all costs. That was the mission Eddie had given him that day, and not even a tsunami would keep him from fulfilling it.

They weren’t going to make it off the pier before the wave hit, so Buck jumped into one of the wooden stalls to brace for the impact and take some of the shock from the force of the wave off of them. The first danger was the crush of the wave and the second was getting hit by debris even before they would need to swim to survive.

“Hold on! And take a deep breath in NOW!” He yelled at the boy he was wrapped around, not sure how they were going to survive this, but determined that Chris would at the very least.

The wave hit and they were tossed around like they were in a washing machine. Buck was still wrapped around Chris, not even attempting to swim for the moment. Buck was being hit by debris on all sides, and he could only do his best to protect Christopher from it. The moment the force let up, Buck shifted Chris in his arms and swam with all this strength back up to breach the surface.

“Buck!” Chris yelled as soon as they could breathe air again, making Buck almost scream in relief. Chris was alive and still breathing, clutching onto his chest for dear life.

“I got you, buddy,” Buck assured him vehemently and shifted the boy once again to make it easier to swim while carrying him. “Just hold on, and I’ll get us to something we can get on top of. Just hold onto me.”

“You’re bleeding,” Chris said over the sound of the rushing water. And yeah, Buck was pretty sure he was bleeding in a few places. He could feel the sting of some cuts on his face and his arm and probably his back too. With the blood thinners he was on, this really wasn’t a good sign. Chris didn’t seem to be bleeding though, and that was all that mattered.

“I know, buddy. I’m big, so I have a lot of blood though. I’ll be fine,” he said, hopefully reassuringly. And there…there was the firetruck for the 136! He swam harder than he had in a very long time, thankful more than he ever had been before for his SEAL training. He didn’t think he could have held onto Chris without it. Even with all his training, his leg was screaming at the punishment he was putting it through. They just had to make it to the truck though.

They both collapsed down on top of the truck as soon as Buck had lifted them out of the water, breathing in sharp, painful pants. “We made it, Buck. You saved me,” Chris rolled over and smiled at him toothily before dropping his head back onto Buck’s chest. "I knew you would."

“We’re not out of it yet, bud,” Buck said, knowing a lot about tsunamis from his training and from a Wikipedia hole he’d fallen down once. Thankfully (or not), he also knew how heavy a firetruck was very intimately, and if this one hadn’t tilted over in the first wave, it was probably the safest place for them right now.  

“There will be more than the one wave and then surges,” he explained to Chris. “And then those waves have to go back out to sea now that they’re on land. We’re going to have to stay here a long time, and we need to get you braced in case the truck shifts.”

“Ok,” Chris sat up, his sheer trust in Buck making his heart burst with love. “I can hold on here,” Chris looped an arm through the rail beside him, looking very proud of his solution.

Buck nodded as he thought it through. He didn’t want to tie Chris to the truck in case it overturned, but it wasn’t likely to since it had survived the first wave. Regardless, if Chris needed to swim, then he needed to be able to. “Right, ok, buddy. That sounds like a great idea. Hold on with both arms, and you aren’t going to let go?”

“No, no letting go,” Chris nodded firmly.

“Good job, Superman,” Buck grinned and kissed his head in sheer gratefulness that Eddie’s son was still alive. “Now, if something happens and you have to swim, you just keep swimming ok until you can grab onto something. You don’t give up, you don’t worry about me, just keep swimming.”

“Like Dory!” Chris grinned widely, and God, Buck loved this kid.

“Just like Dory,” he smiled back.

“Help!!” A woman yelled out from where she was holding onto a telephone pole not even a block away from them.

“Buck,” Chris nodded his head in the woman’s direction but did what he was told and didn’t let go of the rail.

“Hey, if I go get her, will you promise me to not let go?” Buck asked yet again because Chris was his first and most important priority over anyone else in the water. Chris was the mission, and if he wasn’t sure Chris would be safe, then he’d ignore anyone else.

“I won’t let go, Bucky. I promise. You can go help her,” Chris assured him firmly, his face saying that he trusted Buck more than Buck felt he deserved.

Buck worried about Chris the entire time while he jumped back in the water and pulled the fire hose to tie off opposite them on the street to have something people could grab onto and follow to safety. He pulled the woman along behind him and up onto the truck. Swearing under his breath at his aching leg the entire time.

“Right, chain of command,” Buck took in the shivering woman and Chris. “Staff Sergeant Diaz,” he looked at Chris, giving him his father’s rank. “You’re in charge of firetruck railing safety…what’s your name miss?” He asked the woman.

“Rebecca,” she said in a small voice.

“Right, you and Private Rebecca are in charge of the truck while I’m gone and making sure everyone is secure once they're on the truck,” Buck said seriously.

“Aye, aye Captain Buckley!” Chris grinned, and caught himself before letting go of the railing to salute. Buck nodded firmly in pride at him remembering his orders.

“Everyone who comes up, you find them a spot to hold onto, right? Can you do that and not let go yourself?” Buck asked them both.

“Yes! Cap Buck!” Chris yelled.

“Uh, yeah,” Rebecca nodded her head firmly and grabbed onto the railing, looking lost.

“There will be more surges,” he told her seriously so that she’d understand. Once he got a nod from her, Buck jumped back into the water to help the man out of his car who was still stuck. It was going to be a very long day.

There were about a dozen people on the firetruck before Buck noticed the direction of the waters starting to turn. He’d set up a chain of command, a buddy system, and given jobs to anyone able. Frankly, he didn't know why the whole group was just immediately trusting him to lead them, but they'd listened when he barked orders at them all day. Whether it was because he told them all he was a firefighter or just because they needed someone to listen to in a crisis, it didn't really matter because he actually did have the training to keep them all together and working towards survival.

“The wave is about to head back out to sea, so everyone, brace yourself!” He yelled at the group, holding onto Chris tightly.

Somewhere along the way, he’d lost Buck and fell into Sketch. These people didn’t actually need a firefighter right now though, they needed a Navy SEAL and someone who could make decisions for them. Even someone who could be the bad guy.

“There will be people washed towards us in the wave,” he told everyone firmly in his commanding voice. “No one jumps into the water. If we can easily pull them up without letting go of the truck, then do it, but no letting go for any reason. We have our buddy system, so watch your buddy and make sure they are secure at all times as well as you yourself. If we can’t get the people washed up to the truck, then they can grab onto the fire hose and pull themselves to us. If they miss that, then we can only pray they catch something else further along, no putting yourself in danger to reach someone else. Am I understood?”

“Yes, sir!” Many of the people automatically responded.

“Right, Staff Sergeant Diaz, you secure?” Buck asked Chris, his buddy, one more time.

“Aye, aye Cap Buck!” Chris held onto the rail even tighter.

God the kid was so brave! Buck had not been that brave at his age. They’d played I-Spy with half the people on the truck while waiting on the waves to turn, and Chris stayed upbeat throughout the entire thing. Chris had also been really good about closing his eyes whenever Buck told him to when something (dead bodies) Buck didn’t want him to see floated by. Eddie had the absolute best kid.

“Hold on!” Buck yelled, bracing himself and Chris both on the railing, as the wave hit the truck and it shifted in the water before settling back down.

“Help!!” Someone yelled from the water.

“Watch your buddy! John, you’re closest,” Buck directed while the kid who had worked at the hotdog stand at the pier leaned over the side of the truck while his buddy held onto him and grabbed the man in the water.

“Mary and AJ, this one’s you!” Buck directed to the next set of buddies as a woman swam towards them. “You still good, Superman?”

“Yeah!” Chris’s hand tightened where it was fisted in Buck’s shirt.

“New people, grab onto something once you’re on the truck!” He directed the water-logged people to places to sit. “Everyone, make space where you can.”

“I’m so glad Buck and Chris went to a movie today and far away from all this,” Eddie said for the tenth time that day as their rescue boat headed back to shore after saving as many people as they could from the Ferris wheel on the pier.

“They’re probably dry and warm eating pizza on Buck’s couch by now,” Chim said longingly while they all shivered in the wind.

“I’ve never been more grateful Buck is out on medical leave,” Bobby added, getting a frown at the remark from Eddie.

Something wasn’t quite right about that comment. He couldn’t put his finger on what though. Yeah, he was thankful that Buck and Chris were safe, but more that they weren’t anywhere near the tsunami. He still wanted his partner here with him though to help scale a Ferris wheel and rescue survivors. Buck was the best partner he’d ever had, and even with Boscoe being the badass she was, it still would have been easier with Buck there to watch his back. Buck was just so exceptionally competent, and could basically read Eddie's mind that rescues were just so much easier and safer and everything went more smoothly with him there.

Buck wasn’t exactly sure how they’d fit almost two dozen people on the firetruck before the waters were finally low enough they could safely get down and start walking to safety. Somehow they had though. Before setting out to walk inland, everyone had gotten checked over for injuries by Buck or Hector who was a lifeguard who had been coming to work that morning when the tsunami hit and had made it to the truck before the waters had turned.

There were mostly minor injuries with a couple people who may have a fractured ankle or broken arm in the group. They tore up as many extra shirts and scarves as they could to make bandages, and even Buck’s arm was wrapped up by Hector. He knew it wasn’t going to stop bleeding anytime soon though. Buck was on a clock, and he needed to get help soon or his bleeding arm was going to be a major problem.

“We’re moving inland,” he directed his group of survivors. Everyone turned trusting eyes on him that said just how much responsibility was currently in his hands. It was terrifying and humbling, and Buck was not going to let them down.

“We’ll stop if we pass anyone who needs help, but stay with the group, and don’t wander off on your own. There will be a field hospital set up as close to the destruction as possible, so we’ll ask directions of any first responders we pass. If we cross someone who has a cellphone still working, yell out. I can call my sister at 9-1-1 dispatch and get directions to the where it’s set up.”

“Thanks Buck,” Rebecca put a hand on his arm and smiled. “I don’t know what we all would have done without you.”

“You’d probably have had a lot less of someone barking orders at you, but you all have been amazing today. You have all been so brave,” he smiled back before picking Chris up since he didn’t have his crutches and would have a hard time walking in the water. Buck ignored the pain in his leg; that was nothing compared to keeping Chris as close to him as humanly possible.

“You saved us Bucky,” Chris wrapped his arms around him, and Buck’s heart just broke. He couldn’t believe he’d taken Chris to the pier when a tsunami hit. Eddie was never going to forgive him. What if this was the last time he was ever allowed to spend time with his superman?

“Alright, let’s get going. Remember our buddy system, keep track of your buddy and make sure everyone is keeping up,” he directed to his group, pushing it all down as they slowly made their way inland towards where they hoped would be a field hospital.

Eddie texted Buck yet again but wasn’t expecting a response at all. A lot of the cell towers were down or overloaded right now. This shift was definitely heading into massive overtime, but Buck would understand. He would see the news and know Eddie would be late picking Chris up if his shift even ended today, and Buck would make sure Chris understood and was safe and cared for. He thought once more about how lucky they were to have Buck in their life, even if Buck didn’t trust him like Eddie did Buck. Eddie still had to prove to Buck that he really did have his back, and he was working on it.

“Good God…” the nurse beside Eddie at the field hospital gasped as she looked out into the night. “Where did they all come from?”

A large group of people were shambling tiredly towards the old VA where they’d set up the field hospital. It looked like almost three dozen people all grouped together and helping each other over the uneven terrain. “Diaz, help with triage!” The nurse ordered him before everyone available rushed forward.

“Ma’am, over here,” Eddie caught the first woman who made it to him. “What’s your name?”

“Rebecca Wright,” the woman told him while he checked her vitals.

“Do you have any injuries?”

“Just some cuts and scrapes. I’m fine,” she assured him quickly. “There’s a man back there on blood thinners though. He saved us all, but he hasn’t stopped bleeding, check him first.”

Eddie felt the blood run from his face at her words. Surely not…

“Daddy!” A voice yelled out that Eddie would recognize anywhere, and he felt his stomach drop to the ground.

“Chris?!” Eddie rushed past the woman, catching sight of his son’s yellow shirt and red glasses. “Dios! Chris!”

“Daddy!”

Buck set Chris on the ground who stumbled into Eddie’s arms, wrapping his small arms tightly around Eddie's neck. “Mijo! What happened? Were you in all this? Are you ok?”

“We were at the pier!” Chris said, causing Eddie to completely stop breathing. What? That wasn’t possible! How were they still alive?!

“Thank God, Eddie! I’m so, so sorry!” Buck gave a choked sob right before he collapsed into a dead heap onto the ground.

“Buck! Hen! Chim! I need you!” Eddie yelled behind him, hearing the rest of their team rush forward. He frantically adjusted Buck and checked for a pulse. It was there, but sluggish. Eddie saw the blood-soaked bandage on Buck's arm and swore.

“You have to help Buck, Dad,” Chris sniffed, clutching his arm. “Please, he saved me.”

“He has a pulse,” Hen said quickly, checking Buck over next. “Let’s get him inside and start a transfusion!”

“We got him, mijo!” Eddie pulled Chris into a tight hug. What the hell had his son and best friend been through? “You’re safe. I got you!”

“I know, Dad. I knew I was safe because I was with Buck, but he needs you now,” Chris pushed him towards where Hen and Chim were carting Buck into the hospital. “We can’t leave him.”

“We won’t, buddy, we won’t, I promise,” Eddie scooped up his son and hurried past everyone else into the hospital. He knew he was still needed, but he had to make sure Buck was ok. Once he knew Buck would be fine, then he’d go back out and help. Buck needed them right now though.

Buck 3.0 thought that maybe Sketch wasn’t such a bad part of him that needed to be continually repressed anymore. Maybe Sketch could be let out and become more of a part of his everyday life. It was because of Sketch that he’d been able to save Chris in the tsunami. It was Sketch who knew how to organize a group of civilians to keep them together and safe long enough to get all of them to safety. Maybe a new version of Buck could integrate more of who he was in his past into his life now that he wasn’t grieving everything he'd lost as much anymore.

It still shocked and amazed Buck that Eddie didn’t hate him after he’d almost gotten Chris killed. Buck had taken Chris to the pier, and they’d been hit by a tsunami that had definitely traumatized his best friend’s son. Buck was expecting to never be trusted with Chris ever again. However, the very next day, Eddie just let himself into Buck’s apartment first thing in the morning and informed them it was going to be another Buck/Chris day, but that maybe they could stay well inland this time.

“There isn’t anyone I trust with my son more than you,” Eddie told him seriously before flashing him that smile that had Buck go weak at the knees each time before stealing yet another thermos and leaving for work. Damn, Buck was so in love with Eddie. This was not good at all.

“How about video games on the couch today?” Buck asked Chris who was still bruised and tired from their traumatic adventure.

“Can we get pizza?”

“Of course! I won’t even make you get vegetables on it,” Buck grinned at Chris’s cheer.

He could get past this. He could push down his feelings for Eddie and not make his straight friend uncomfortable. Chris and Eddie needed him right now. He would get back to the 118 and his family and everything would be just like it was before the tsunami and ladder truck and everything. He could do this.

“Evan,” Maddie sighed tersely while Buck ranted about the LAFD still not approving him for duty. He had to get back to his job. Why didn't anyone else see that? “Maybe this is a sign. Being a firefighter is very dangerous, maybe you could find something else you love. Maybe you can move on from here. Not being a firefighter is not the end of the world.”

Buck stilled and pushed down the anger that grew in him at her comment. He loved his sister, and he knew where she was coming from logically. However, Maddie had only been in his life a little over a year. She hadn’t been there for most of his adult life at this point. She was still learning who he was. She didn't know just how much her words had just hurt him.

“Maddie…I have two jobs,” he said slowly, trying to make her understand. “The fucking U.S. Navy has already cleared me for active duty. If the LAFD doesn’t clear me, then I’m going back to my other job…which is a Navy SEAL.”

Maddie sucked in a breath, clearly not realizing that Buck wasn’t just going to get an office job somewhere and pick up golfing on the weekends. That wasn’t who Buck was. No, he definitely wasn’t reupping once his military contract ran out, but he still had almost three years left on it. If he had to be active duty for that time in order to make money to live, then he would. His entire squad was either retired or in the reserves at this point, and it was actually less distressing for Buck to join a whole new squad who hadn’t known his former team.

As hard as it was for him to admit it even to himself, Buck needed the money. His disability had ended when he was recertified as a firefighter, and his fire marshal job just didn’t pay well at all. He’d even had to actually deposit the check his parents had sent after the ladder truck, as much as that hurt his pride to do it. He wasn’t in dire straits yet, but LA was an expensive place to live, and his loft wasn’t cheap, and he still had hospital bills.

“But, Evan…” she trailed off, clearly at a complete loss.

“Maddie…this is who I am,” he helplessly waved his arms in a shrug, not knowing how to make her understand if she hadn't see it yet.  “If the tsunami taught me anything, it’s that I can’t just sit back and do nothing when people need me. I’d rather that be as a firefighter, but the SEALs will welcome me back as soon as I say the word.”

Maddie put her hand over her mouth and gave him something between a nod and a sob. “Right, well…you should probably talk to Bobby then,” she suggested with a sniff. “Maybe he can advocate for you with the brass. Maybe if he writes a letter and some of the the other people on your shift, they'll listen.”

“I have dinner with him and Athena tonight,” Buck smiled at her, thankful that she was on his side again. He couldn’t stand her fighting him on this, but he couldn’t just turn away from who he was either, especially now that all his different lives seemed to finally be merging. He didn’t really know who Buck 3.0 was yet, but he was turning out to be more of a combination of Evan, Sketch, and all the Bucks than he ever had been before. This version of himself felt more like him than he’d ever felt before.

“Come on, Bobby!” Buck almost pleaded for his captain and father-figure to understand. “If those dumbasses can’t see that I’m ready to come back then…”

“I’m the dumbass!” Bobby growled, stopping Buck completely in his rant.

Buck looked at the man he had viewed as a father for the last three years. Buck narrowed his eyes as it sank in. He didn’t want to believe it. He looked over at Athena who looked sad, but not like this was any news to her. How could they do this to him? Why would they do this to him?

“You’re the one keeping me from returning to work?” Buck needed the confirmation. He needed Bobby to say it.

“You aren’t ready!” Bobby growled just as riled up as he was a second before. “You’re a liability, and I have to make sure all the firefighters under my command are safe. You aren’t ready to return yet! God, this isn't just about you, Buck! You could put others at risk by coming back too soon! Don't be selfish!”

Don't be selfish...that was a phrase Evan had heard so many times growing up from his parents. He was a liability...that was what bumped him from activity duty before in the SEALs. The words were physical blows that beat him down. The emotional weight was too heavy. He couldn't...he just couldn't...

Buck cracked his neck, giving his head a small shake. He wiped all emotions away to a blank grayness. He couldn’t deal with this. Buck couldn’t deal with this especially from Bobby and Athena of all people.

“I thought you were my friend,” he heard himself say as if from a long distance away. Actually, he thought Bobby was more than that. He had thought they were family.

“I am your friend! But I’m a captain of the station first,” Bobby tried, but Buck was gone.

Buck left mentally and physically. He had to remove himself from his situation before he said or did anything he would regret later. He vaguely knew that Athena had tried to stop him, but he couldn’t do this now.

Bobby had never read his resume. Bobby didn’t know that Buck was military. Buck knew exactly where he was physically and knew he was not a liability. He never would have requested to come back to work if he was. How the hell didn’t Bobby realize that Buck was perfectly capable to return to work though even not knowing all that?! The fucking military had cleared him for duty on the recommendations of two doctors and his therapist, information that Bobby had been given too. Why wouldn’t Bobby think he could return to his family?! He’d worked the tsunami longer and harder than any of them, even not being on duty. How could they say he was a liability?!

Buck got into his Jeep and drove right back to his loft. He’d planned to go to the Diaz home that evening. He’d actually spent most nights on Eddie’s couch since the tsunami because Chris was having nightmares, but he needed to be alone for a moment to sort through all the noise in his head.

Buck wasn’t sure how he’d gotten home until he was sitting on his own couch and staring out a window. There had to be a next step he could take to get his job back. What could he do to prove he was ready? He didn’t really want to go back to active duty with the Navy, but he would if he needed to. If Bobby was blocking him…were there no other options?

Buck briefly considered the lawyer who had given him his card, but that seemed like jumping ahead several steps and more of a last resort. He would hold onto the card, but there had to be something before going nuclear and suing the department. The union…he could contact his union representative. Yeah, that was the next step in the bureaucratic process.

Buck felt so much better now that he had a plan. He’d talk to the union, and if that didn’t work, he could reach out to his battalion chief or the fire chief. Chief Alonzo had read his resume and knew his past, and Buck was not above going over Bobby’s head if the union wouldn’t step in. If Bobby wasn’t part of his family anymore, Eddie, Chim, and Hen still were, and he was going to get back to them at all costs.

Buck hung up the phone after his call with his union rep. He stared out of the window in his loft at a loss once again. His union rep said they wouldn’t go against his captain’s recommendation. It was their policy to uphold captains’ recommendations for return to duty situations since they knew the firefighters best. Buck still had his fire marshal job, and they advised him to get comfortable there. His representative said that if Bobby thought he needed more time, then he did.

Buck was completely lost. This is what Dr. Graham had warned him about so many times in their sessions. He had no one in his life besides the 118. If he couldn’t return to them, he’d lost his entire team again just like he had once before. They may try to keep in touch, but with their schedules, they would absolutely drift apart, and he would gradually lose each of them. They’d already been drifting apart over the past few weeks. He heard from them less and less since he’d been off duty. He’d lose Hen first since she was so focused on having another kid with Karen right now. Bobby and Athena had already turned away from him. Chim and Maddie would be next. Maddie would worry about him, and she would eventually pull away to protect herself just like she’d done before, taking Chim with her.

Eddie and Chris would be last, but they’d eventually leave him too. Eddie would start dating someone new who would want to spend time with Christopher, and Buck would eventually be pushed to the side when they no longer had time for him. It wouldn’t be malicious, but they’d eventually forget about him with everything else going on in their lives. Of them all, it was Eddie and Chris who would hurt the most even over his own sister who he had lost before. He really had tried to not get so very attached, but he was too deep in love with Eddie at this point, and Chris, Chris was his kid in everything but blood, even if he could never say that out loud to anyone.

Buck had his laptop out and was halfway through typing his resignation letter for his fire marshal job before he even realized what he was doing. Yes, he was running, it was what the Buckley’s did best. He just didn’t know what he was running to this time. They apparently didn't need him anymore though. They were moving on, and had even replaced him with Lena Boscoe at the station. He should step away, let them all get on with their lives before he was ghosted by each of them just like Abby had done to him before.

His phone rang, snapping him out of the fog his brain was in. With a frown at the San Diego number, he answered and listened to the woman on the line. Huh…well, that was one solution to his problem.

Buck hit send on the email to his supervisor as soon as he hung up the phone. He was needed at the base. He wasn’t sure for what, but whatever it was didn’t require him to run around with a clipboard and watch his friends do the job he missed so much while moving on with their lives. Maybe whatever this was, was what he should be running towards. Time to dig out his dog tags and fatigues once again.

A two-hour drive later and Buck was sitting in his commander’s office feeling like he had been asked to the principal’s office. He wasn’t sure what he’d done wrong though or why he’d been called in. “Sir…?” Buck said as both a greeting and a question after the saluting and formalities and everything was gotten out of the way.

“Petty Officer Buckley,” Commander Streb crossed his arms and pinned Buck with a look that he couldn’t read. He never could figure out his new commander. Frankly, he still wasn’t sure if he even liked the man or not. “I have an offer for you.”

“Sir,” Buck said, this time with a nod of his head and a slight relaxing of his spine that had been ramrod straight not a moment before. At least it didn’t sound like he was about to get chewed out for something. He really couldn’t take that right now.

“I have a mission you may be interested in. You are able to refuse it, but I believe you are owed the option to take it up if you would like,” the commander began, and now Buck was very concerned. He wasn’t supposed to be deployed even if he’d been considering going active once more. “It’s more of a humanitarian mission than anything else.”

Buck raised an eyebrow. He was a demolitions expert. How did that connect with a humanitarian mission. “Commander Streb, I’m a little confused.”

“Ah, you see, your squad’s old interpreter has gotten himself into a bit of trouble,” Streb pushed a thin file with a lot of redacted intel across the desk for Buck to glance over. “Those of your squad still in the reserves have all volunteered to go help him out of it. Normally, we wouldn’t step in, but he has a hell of a lot of classified intel that many of our enemies would want. I shouldn’t be offering this to you, but it’s your squad and your interpreter, and if I’m not mistaken, you have time on your hands currently.”

Buck tried not to snort at that, he was unsuccessful. It was a shitty day when the Navy cleared you for active duty, but the LAFD wouldn’t because of one man. Streb was right though; he had the time now, and this was personal. If Ahmad was in trouble, he wanted to help out, even if that meant hopping a Navy transport to a remote desert somewhere with no notice. Shit, the file didn’t even have Ahmad’s current location.

“How long do you estimate for this mission?” He asked, not sure if Streb could even answer that. He had to have some idea though in order to allocate resources to them.

The commander sighed and ran a hand over his face. “If it was any other squad, I’d say a few weeks, but your idiot commander volunteered as well, so probably a week or maybe two if you all ever actually come back.”

Buck just grinned at that news. If Steve was in, he was definitely going. Steve never was one to let a mission draw out. They would be in and out with Ahmad before anyone even missed him in LA. He’d also have time to think about his next steps while away since the union had been a bust. Maybe he could plan what he’d say to Chief Alonzo on his return or decide if he should move on to something else.

Regardless, he needed some time away from Eddie for his own mental health. If he was ever going to get his heart right and get past all these feelings, he needed some space, and he couldn’t do that when he was so close to his boys. He couldn’t stop himself from going over to check on them and make them dinner and play video games. Chris had a therapist now for his nightmares, and Eddie was at work with the team and had Carla. They didn’t need him. Maybe this would give him some time to see a life without them in it once they inevitably cut him out. This was good.

“I’m in. What do I need to know?” Buck handed the file back and waited for his briefing.

Buck was already on the tarmac and about to step on board the plane before he called his sister. “Hey, Maddie!” Buck said as chipper as possible so that maybe she could be lulled into not worrying about him.

“What did you do?” Maddie answered, already knowing him way too well after only being back in his life for a year. “Did it not go well with the union?”

“Nothing! I did nothing, and the union is a bust. They aren’t going to help,” He protested with a sigh because he really hadn’t done anything this time.

“Oh Evan, we’ll figure something out next, why don’t you come over for dinner tonight? Chim is on a 24, so I’m all alone and we can brainstorm options,” she offered.

Buck really was sorry that he was doing this to her. Ahmad was in trouble though, and he really did need to feel useful right now. Chris might be the one having nightmares, but Buck had been having some pretty nasty PTSD flare-ups since the tsunami, and having something to do and being useful had always helped him push those aside in the past. It was all he could do to keep Eddie and Chris from seeing him that way, and he did really need to get away.

“Uh, I can’t. I’m going out of town to meet up with some old friends for a few days…maybe a week or two, and I won’t be very reachable while I’m away…you know, bad cell service, we might go camping, so I wanted to give you a heads up,” he tried, knowing she wouldn’t buy the excuse. She knew he didn’t have friends outside the 118.

There was a long beat of silence on the other end of the line and Buck winced when a jet took off down the runway, knowing she had to have heard that. “Evan…” Maddie said very slowly with danger in her tone. “These old friends, they aren’t of the Navy variety, are they?”

“Maddie…a friend is in trouble,” he tried next.

“You aren’t supposed to be deployed!” She said with every ounce of exasperation she’d ever put in her tone before.

“Look, don’t worry. I’ll be fine,” he said, now having to hurry before the pilot yelled at him. “I’ll be back in a few weeks tops! See you soon!”

Buck felt like a terrible brother. He hung up the phone over his sister’s protests, but really, the jet engine made it hard to hear anyway. Maddie didn’t understand, and frankly he was happy she didn’t.

Buck strapped himself into the jump seat and pulled out his cell phone again. Eddie was at work on the same shift as Chim, so he couldn’t call him. He couldn’t hear him now if he did anyway, so he sent off a quick text.

Me: Hey, I’m going out of town on a trip to clear my head. I’ll probably be out of cell service most of it. I’ll be back in a week or two though. Tell Chris I’ll beat him at Street Fighter when I get back :)

There, that’d have to do. It was light and upbeat and didn’t sound like Buck was off to a war zone. If he didn’t make it back, then they didn’t have any distressing messages as his last. They had the memory of him making them pancakes just that morning and that Buck was planning to come back to hang out as their last interactions. They could move on with the good memories. Yes, this was all for the best.

Chapter Text

Eddie hadn’t realized how dependent he’d become on Buck over their year working together until he was no longer there. Buck had been sleeping on their couch most nights since the tsunami so that whenever Chris had woken up screaming for him, Buck was right there. If he wasn’t there, then they knew they could call him on the phone any time, and he’d talk until Chris fell back asleep. Only Buck could get Christopher to calm down after one of the nightmares, and then he just wasn’t there anymore.

Also, Eddie just really couldn’t cook. He knew he relied a lot on the food his Abuela sent home with them and Bobby’s leftovers from the station, but he hadn’t realized how much Buck cooked for him until his fridge was empty. How had they gotten to this point where Eddie and Chris both didn’t know how to function without Buck around all the time?

Since he’d left town with that oddly cryptic text message, Eddie had tried to call Buck several times, and he’d texted even more. Chris had even called him, but Buck didn’t answer, and Buck always answered for Chris. Eddie had finally even broken down and called Maddie after an especially bad night for Christopher to ask if she knew how to get in touch with Buck or who he was with or anything. She had told him that she didn’t, but she’d sounded off, like she was upset as well, like there was more to this story.

“But where did he go?” Eddie asked, not liking the concerned tone on the other end of the line. He knew he sounded like a jealous boyfriend and had absolutely no right to that information in the slightest, but he was tired enough that he didn't especially care at the moment. “Is he at a hotel or someone’s house? Is he still in California?”

“I only know that he’s out of town visiting friends. He said they might go camping,” Maddie said as if it were a rehearsed line. Why would she have a rehearsed line to tell Buck's friends?

Eddie couldn’t think of any friends outside of the 118 that Buck actually kept in touch with. And wasn’t that concerning for Buck’s own mental health? Eddie had Chris and his family and even the veterans’ group he played basketball with at the Y, but now that he thought about it, who else did Buck have?

He really hated to ask, but… “Buck has other friends?” Ok, that might not have come out the way he intended especially with the incredulous tone underlying it.

“Eddie,” Maddie sighed as if she was holding Buck’s not insignificant weight on her shoulders. “Buck had a whole life before LA and the fire station. He has friends, just not local ones. Look…I don’t know much more. He’ll be back when he’s back.”

“Wait, doesn’t he have the fire marshal job though? They would know when he’s coming back,” he tried next. Why didn’t he know about this life Maddie was alluding to? Just how much did Buck not trust him?

“He quit that over a week ago,” she said tersely. “Look I have to go. My break is almost over.”

“Ok, thanks Maddie…” he frowned when she hung up on him. Something was up. Why did Buck quit the fire marshal job? He was just filling in there until he could return to active duty, right? Why hadn't he told Eddie he was quitting the job? Damn, Buck really didn't trust him with anything, did he?

Eddie was so angry, irrationally angry, and it had only been building over time. If he were honest with himself, it had been building since a long time ago, at least before Shannon’s death, but most likely even back to Afghanistan. It seemed to hit a head now though that his safety net was suddenly gone.

Buck had been gone two weeks now, and Eddie knew he was being completely irrational about all this. Clearly, Buck and he were not as good of friends as he had thought they were though. Buck left town without talking to him, he didn’t even trust Eddie enough to tell him he dated men, he was being secretive about these old friends of his, and he cut off all contact when Eddie and Christopher needed him the most.

Rationally, Eddie knew that Buck had every right to leave town for a while and that he didn't owe Eddie explanations, but he wasn’t getting a lot of sleep because of Chris’s nightmares, and he’d just learned the woman his son kept dreaming about drowning in the tsunami was his late mother. Eddie was trying to help his grieving son, but he was so out of his depth. He missed Shannon too, but she had also left them and then asked for a divorce right before her death. He tried to shove down all the anger had for his late wife, but it was still there under the surface, and he couldn’t let that bleed through for Chris to see. Buck always seemed to know what to say to Chris, and Eddie just thought he was screwing it up more.

The anger was swallowing him whole, and he didn’t know how to stop it. It burst out as much as he tried to shove it back into a box and push it aside. He knew it was a low point when he was arrested for punching an asshole who was yelling at him for parking in an accessible parking space when he had just dropped Christopher off at a birthday party.

It was ridiculous and a massive over-reaction that Eddie was thankful Chris didn’t see, and exceptionally grateful that the man didn't press charges. The anger boiled hotter though when Eddie sat in his holding cell and his finger hovered over Buck’s number. He couldn’t call Buck to bail him out. Buck had cut off all contact with him. Eddie seethed as he dialed Lena Bosco. She was the only one he could think of who wouldn’t lecture him and might even understand.

The mission had taken just over three weeks when all was said and done. Though longer than expected, it was successful with no casualties on their side. Ahmad and his family were gathered up and carted off to Hawaii with Steve immediately after his rescue. Buck wasn’t even going to ask if Steve had gotten approval for that from anyone…he knew Steve. Buck felt really bad for the higher-ups in Hawaii now that he was their problem.

And now he had Steve’s new partner Danny’s phone number, and Steve was definitely going to regret giving it to him. Buck could now send all the old pictures and stories the man’s way so that he’d know what all he was getting into with the chaos monster who was Buck’s old squad commander, that was if Danny hadn’t figured it out already, which he definitely had by their very limited communication so far. Buck was already grinning at the picture he’d sent of Steve drooling in his sleep on the plane to the man waiting for them in Hawaii.

Danno: This is so going up as my lockscreen! Thanks Sketchers!

Me: Oh, hell no! Sketch or Buck, dude, seriously!

Danno: Yeah, no. I bet you have me saved in your phone as Danno, so nope, I’m calling you what I want to call you.

Me: No comment.

Danno: Be safe kid. I’ll watch Steve’s six on my end. Good luck with getting the job back. Give 'em hell out there in LA

Me: Thanks Danny, and good luck too. You need it

Danno: Don’t I know it kid!

Buck winced in pain when he parked his Jeep outside his apartment and picked up his duffel bag. He wanted out of his sandy and sweaty fatigues and into a very hot shower like immediately. He was bruised up one whole side of his body from his assault rifle, but that was more for the fact that he bruised like a peach on the blood thinners than that he was actually injured. It was just another couple weeks and he could have the rod and pins removed from his leg, and even the blood thinners wouldn’t be a problem after that.

There was a large pile of mail waiting for him on the other side of his door, that Buck picked up and threw on his table before starting to head to the long-awaited shower. He paused and backtracked, one of the letters was an official one from the LAFD. Giving up on the shower for the moment, he tore into the letter and unfolded the unexpectedly nice paper to see a very official-looking document addressed to him.

Buck frowned even more deeply and turned on his heel, picking up his keys once more. Still in his military fatigues and still sandy from the dessert, he drove right over to LAFD headquarters, his indignation fueling what little energy he had left the entire way. It was amazing what a uniform could get a person because the secretary stopped what he was doing immediately when Buck walked up to his desk with anger leeching from every pore in his body and probably murder in his eyes.

“I need to speak with Chief Alonzo now. I’ll wait until he’s free,” Buck stood at attention, a habit he couldn’t shake when in his uniform.

The secretary opened and closed his mouth a couple times before picking up the phone. “Uh, chief…there’s a soldier here wanting to see you…? It seems important.”

The guy showed Buck into the fire chief’s office just a few minutes later, probably the least amount of time anyone had ever had to wait to see the chief. Buck realized it was unfair that he’d been intimidating the guy at the desk a little though. Maybe he’d send the secretary a fruit basket or something once this was all handled. Definitely a fruit basket, maybe some muffins too.

“Firefighter Buckley,” the chief stood from behind his desk with confusion and worry written across his face. Well, apparently the chief knew him on sight. Though, his leg had been crushed by one of the LAFD ladder trucks, so that made sense. The chief looked over his uniform. “Or should I say, Petty Officer Buckley?”

Buck winced. “Uh…it’s actually Chief Petty Officer now, my unreasonable commander just recently promoted me in the field.”

“Ok…” Chief Alonzo sat back down and motioned to the seat in front of him, but Buck just shook his head, he was too keyed up to sit and doing all he could to keep from pacing or fidgeting right now.

“What can I do for you then, Chief Petty Officer?” The man asked.

“I got this in the mail,” Buck slammed the letter down on the desk and pointed at it accusingly.

“I know…I signed it,” Chief Alonzo pointed at the prominent signature at the bottom. “You’re getting a commendation for what you did in the tsunami. I don’t understand why you’re upset at that.”

“I’m not upset,” Buck ran a hand over his face. “First of all, I don’t deserve it. I just did what every other firefighter would have done in that situation.”

“I have about three dozen people who disagree with you there,” the chief leaned back and crossed his arms. “Also, you were off duty and injured at the time. I still don’t understand why you’re upset. I heard there was something going on with the union and your station. Does this have anything to do with that? I only heard that whatever it was had been resolved.”

“I’m upset because you want to give me a commendation and fire me all at the same time! I can’t do it again!” Buck threw his hands in the air. “When my SEAL team died, they gave me a medal then too! You can’t get rid of me that easily! I won’t do it!”

“Excuse me?” Chief Alonzo sat back up in his seat quickly at that.

“The United States Navy cleared me for duty, and I just got back from an overseas deployment where I was given a promotion,” Buck continued his frantic rant. “I know I have a case for wrongful termination. I was cleared for duty by everyone except for the LAFD! Is this some kind of discrimination I don’t know about because I’m a veteran with a screwy head, or is it because I’m not straight? I thought the LAFD was accepting! I don’t know what I did. Tell me what I did wrong, and I’ll fix it. I don’t want to have to sue for my job, please don’t make me!”

Buck knew his tone had turned to begging a little at the end. It definitely wasn't his finest moment. He’d thought this was just Bobby having something against him though. If the whole LAFD was trying to get rid of him, he didn’t know what he could do about that. He didn’t understand why. This was his life. Why did they want to take that away from him?!

“What the hell are you talking about, son?!” The fire chief stood with what could only be a look of fear in his eyes that Buck didn’t understand in the slightest.

“I was told I couldn’t return to work even when I was cleared by all my doctors. I was never given a timetable for when I could return or told what I needed to do to prove I was ready. Even my disability stopped when I was first recertified, so my bank account is running on fumes,” Buck explained. “I thought my captain was mad at me for some reason, but then I get this letter for a commendation. Last time I got one of these…”

“You’re not fired!” The chief cut him off immediately. “Damn, kid. What’s going on at the 118?”

“I don’t know!” Buck threw his hands in the air. “I just want my job back!”

“Ok, sit down,” the chief pointed at the chair in an order and Buck did sit this time, his nervous energy leaking out of him now that someone had finally said he wasn’t fired. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but the fire chief definitely had said he wasn’t fired. That had to mean he could go back to work, right?

“Now, let’s not talk about suing the department at this point, ok?” The chief said firmly.

“I really don’t want to,” Buck nodded just as firmly. It was a last resort, had always been a last resort. “It’s just…one of my coworkers had a rebar go straight through his head, and he wasn’t made to wait as long as I have to get his job back. I don’t know what else I can do. I thought it was the blood thinners, but that’s not listed in the guidelines to keep me off the job. Plus, I’m getting the rod and screws removed soon and won’t even need the blood thinners after that. I don’t know what else to do.”

“You show up to work on Monday, that’s what you’re going to do,” Chief Alonzo crossed his arms and told him. “I’d say tomorrow, but I think you could use a shower and a couple days rest after a deployment, right?”

Buck smelled ripe; he knew that. Plus, there were the bruises. “Uh, yeah…but the 118…”

“I’ll call your captain myself first thing in the morning and tell him you are back on duty by Monday,” the chief said as if it were a done deal. “Unless you want to go to another station? The 136 is still down a few people, or maybe one of the rescue squads?”

“No,” Buck said quickly. He only ever wanted back with his family. “I want to go to the 118. I just want my old job back.”

“Even with whatever is going on there? Should I talk to your captain about it?” Alonzo frowned, clearly having no idea what was going on, which Buck knew the feeling of very well.

“No, please don’t. I don’t know what the problem is, but it’s my problem to fix,” Buck told him, knowing he couldn’t give up on Bobby yet. Whatever Bobby had against him, Buck would just have to prove him wrong. He’d go above and beyond in everything and never complain until Bobby let him back in. It hadn’t worked with his own father, but Buck really hoped it would with Bobby.

“Ok, but if you change your mind about moving to another station,” the chief held out the letter to him. “And you do deserve this Firefighter Buckley.”

Buck took the letter and shrugged at the awkwardness. He really didn’t. If this was getting him his job back though, he didn’t think he could keep protesting. “I, uh, I guess I’ll see you at the awards then…”

“Unless you need something before then,” the chief nodded. “My door is always open.”

Buck knew that wasn’t true. Normally, it was a whole process to get a meeting with the chief. He’d only gotten in so quickly out of sheer luck and intimidation was his guess. He wondered what had the chief so willing to be helpful now though. It’s not like he’d even talked to a lawyer about if he had a case, and that had to have been clear by what Buck had said. Huh…he guessed the fire chief was just a nice dude or whatever.

Take two, and Buck was home once more and shedding fatigues to finally get clean. He was naked in the bathroom before he remembered his phone was still off. He pulled his phone out of the pocket of his pants on the floor and turned it back on. He immediately sent off a text to Maddie.

Me: I’m back! And all in one piece!

He jumped into the shower, and even during his only five-minute military shower, he’d gotten at least twenty text messages. What the hell?!

Buck dried off and scrolled through the messages he’d missed over the past three weeks. He really hadn’t thought people would miss him being gone. No one had been very good at keeping in touch the week or two before he’d left, so he just figured that was it. He was being left behind once more. He skipped over the slew of messages from Eddie since it was just so very many to check Hen’s.

Hen: Chim says you’re out of town with friends. Be safe ok. I’m not there to patch you up, and that makes me nervous.

Hen: We miss you at the station

Hen: Text when you get back

Buck smiled at her concern and texted a quick update that he was home and would see her soon. He opened Chimney’s next.

Chim: Dude! You have other friends?!

Chim: Oh, and yeah, have fun or whatever

Chim: Why is Maddie concerned about you? What did you tell her?

Chim: Buck, are you in some kind of danger?

Chim: Text your sister, dude!

Buck frowned at the messages. Well, at least Maddie hadn’t told Chimney about where he’d gone, but he was sad that she was stressed enough Chimney would pick up on it.

Me: I’m back, and already texted her

He sent the text to Chim quickly before opening the novel Eddie had basically written him. The text chain started with well-wishes for his trip, updates on things with Chris, then concern, then Eddie just sounded stressed, then the messages started to take on more of an angry tone. Eddie was definitely angry. Buck couldn’t figure out why Eddie was angry though. He’d finally gotten out of their hair, no more taking up space on their couch and in their lives.

Maddie: I get off work in an hour. I’m coming over!

The text message popped up over the others. Buck looked at the time, so Chris was still in school, and Eddie was most likely at work though Buck didn’t know the current 118 schedule. He’d call once he was sure Chris would be home, and he could talk to them both, and Maddie would know if A-shift were on schedule. He didn’t know what he’d done, but he could fix this. Whatever it was.

Buck threw on sweatpants and a t-shirt before going to his kitchen and opening the fridge. He winced at the milk that was definitely spoiled by this point. He didn’t have anything to offer his sister. Take-out it was! And he should probably run to a store to pick up milk, maybe some cereal, and maybe a bottle of wine for his sister in case she was planning to yell at him as a peace offering.

He shrugged at his sweatpants and t-shirt, deciding it was good enough for the store. Still so very tired, he grabbed his keys once again and drove to the store that was between his loft and the fire station since it had the good cookies he knew Maddie liked, still trying to butter her up.

Of course, he just happened to choose the exact same time the 118 were shopping for groceries. Buck’s luck was just that bad, and honestly that predictable. Yes, this was the store they usually went to…they all liked the cookies. He was standing in the breakfast aisle with a box of the cereal that he liked and which Eddie called cardboard granola in his hand when the entire team turned down his aisle and they all paused like deer caught in headlights, just staring at each other in surprise.

“You’re back!” Hen stepped forward out of the group with a huge smile to give him a quick hug. “I’m surprised you didn’t get eaten by a grizzly bear with your luck.”

“They aren’t even native to where I was,” Buck laughed. Now a scorpion had crawled into his sleeping bag with him one night, and that had sent him scurrying across the camp and getting laughed at by this squad, but he hadn't even gotten stung thankfully.

Buck looked over Hen's shoulder with a tense smile. There was not as welcome of a reception behind her from the rest of his team. “Hey guys. Uh, Eddie…I was going to call when Chris was out of school…I just got back.”

Eddie’s face was stone with his eyes as hard as ice. On Buck’s squad, Hulk had unfortunately gotten his name for having a rage problem that was only minimally under control, not because he was big, which he definitely was too. Eddie’s face was uncomfortably similar to Hulk’s in his worst moments right now. Buck didn’t like that look at all, especially not on Eddie.

“And where was that, Buck? Huh? Where were you?” Eddie asked with his expression not changing in the slightest.

“I just needed to get out of town for a little while,” Buck said slowly, still not sure what he’d done to deserve this level of wrath.

“Do you know how much Chris missed you?!” Eddie hissed. “No, you wouldn’t, because you weren’t here!”

Ok, so Buck felt like crap. “I’m so sorry…”

“Buck, what did you tell the union? Why the hell would you get them involved?” Bobby stepped forward, his look was a mixture of anger and betrayal. By that look alone Buck was seething, Bobby didn’t have a right to feel betrayed.

“I had a union rep stop by my office, asking questions, do you even know how bad that looks?” Bobby crossed his arms and glared.

“You got the union involved, Buck!” Eddie threw his arms up in exasperation. “God, you’re so exhausting! We all have our own problems, but we just suck it up! Why can’t you?!”

Buck had just gotten back from being shot at and where he had set and detonated two different bombs to take out a terrorist compound himself, and his hands had never once shook. There was a distinct tremble in them as Buck put the box of cereal back on the shelf.

“Suck it up…really?” He nodded, feeling it like there was a tactical knife embedded in his back.

“I told you, you’re not ready, Buck,” Bobby put a hand on Eddie’s shoulder clearly to calm him. It didn’t work. "Why can't you just listen?"

Buck just nodded at this entire situation. “Right.”

“What’s going on?” Hen looked between them all, clearly confused. Hell, Buck was confused himself.

“Getting your union rep involved is a little over-kill, isn’t it?” Chim asked with a frown at Bobby too, seeming to not be able to decide whose side he was supposed to be on in all this.

Buck was done. He hadn’t slept in…he didn’t even remember how long, and he’d already had one breakdown that day. He was done. “Right, well, I’m sorry that I need a job and money to live and pay my bills. Look, Bobby, you’re going to get a call tomorrow morning, I suggest you answer it. I’ll see you all Monday.”

Buck turned and strode towards the door. He could stop at the convenience store by his house and get a bottle of wine. The cookies weren’t worth it.

“What does that mean, Buck? What did you do?” Bobby called out after him. Buck never broke stride. What’s done was done, and they would just all have to learn to live with it and deal with the consequences later.

Buck was only half-way awake on his couch when Maddie arrived at his apartment like a whirlwind on caffeine. “You’re back! And safe! Are you injured?” She looked over what she could see of him frantically.

“I’m perfectly fine,” Buck assured her, resolving to not wince from his bruises at all so she wouldn’t notice them. “The mission was successful.”

“Which was…?”

“Classified,” he smiled with a shrug. “That’s literally all I can tell you.”

“God, Buck!” She swatted at his side playfully, catching a bruise which he suppressed the wince of pain at. “I wasn’t aware I was in a military family until recently, and don’t know how to handle deployments and classified stuff and all. There wasn't a manual I was given or anything. I asked Sue how she deals with her daughter being in the Army, and it was just a lot, and her daughter is only a mechanic. How have you done this for years all on your own?”

“Well, I’ve never been on the other side,” he shrugged in all honesty. “I was always the one sent, not the one left behind in these situations. I don’t know that I could handle being the one left like that. I’m already not doing well with the 118 working without me.”

He opened the bottle of wine he’d bought at the corner store and poured his sister a generous glass. “Good news though, I have my job back.”

“You’re active duty again?” Maddie gasped, gripping the counter with fear in her eyes. “What does that mean? Are you moving to a base? Please tell me you aren’t going to just disappear from my life again!”

“No! No, I meant my firefighter job!” He quickly told her.

Maddie let out a loud breath of relief. “Buck! Sheesh! I didn’t think I’d ever be happy that you’d be a firefighter again because it was less dangerous!”

“I’m still on the do not deploy list, Mads. I promise,” he said, pushing the glass over and watching her go ahead and take a large sip.

“Good,” she nodded. “So, I guess Bobby finally came around then?”

He grimaced and pushed the commendation letter over to her next. “This was waiting for me when I got home. I didn’t have the best reaction…the last time I was given a medal was for completing the mission when my entire team was killed in action. My broken brain went to the LAFD firing me and this was a consolation to make me go away. As you can imagine, I didn’t have the best or most rational reaction.”

“Oh Evan,” she sighed and gripped his arm. “Your whole team?”

“Ale, Tex, and Hulk, yeah…all of them,” he looked off and cleared his throat. “So, I drove down to the Fire Chief’s office, still in full uniform, and demanded he tell me what I’d done to be fired.”

Maddie snorted a laugh at that. “Evan, only you…Ok, so what did he say?”

“He said I can start back on Monday,” Buck shrugged, leaving out what was essentially something between a panic attack and mental breakdown that he’d had in the man’s office.

“Just like that?” She frowned. “He’s going to overrule Bobby? Because of the commendation?”

“I don’t know, maybe?” Buck took the letter back and just stared at it. “I mentioned that I thought I had a case for wrongful termination or maybe even discrimination, but clearly I haven’t talked to a lawyer, so I don’t think that was it.”

Maddie rolled her eyes. “I love you little bro, but you’re a white man, discrimination, really?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know that’s a stretch,” he rolled his eyes. “I was just kind of ranting by that point, asking if it was because I’m a veteran with PTSD or if it’s because I’m not straight or whatever.”

Maddie choked on her wine. “Oh hell, Buck…” she giggled. “I bet the chief almost pissed his pants. I hadn’t thought of it that way.”

“Yeah, but Bobby is the one who isn’t letting me come back, and he doesn’t know any of that,” Buck shook his head. “At that moment though, I thought it was Alonzo or the whole LAFD that was keeping me off the job, and they do know since they actually read my file and interviewed me when they hired me.”

Maddie shook her head and poured herself more wine. “You better order food soon, or I’m passing out on your couch.”

“On it,” Buck smiled and grabbed his phone.

“And, little bro…don’t sue the city or they might not have enough money to pay little old dispatchers like me,” she chuckled and shook her head. “If I was a lawyer and a bisexual, decorated veteran, whose partner was killed in action, who was recently back from a deployment, and who was even originally injured on the job as a firefighter walked into my office for a wrongful termination suit, I think I’d put a downpayment on a new boat, maybe a beach house.”

“It was never about that Maddie. I just want my job back,” he sighed tiredly.

“I know,” she patted his hand. “I’m just saying, your fire chief is probably thinking he got off really easy right now.”

“Bobby is going to hate me though,” he sighed, not looking forward to Monday, even as he needed it to be there desperately. He had a long way to go to get his family back. He would do it though…somehow.

When Maddie finally Ubered back home that evening, Buck was left in his loft to the intense quiet all alone. He lay in bed with the images of the past three weeks tormenting him. Even a successful mission was yet another layer on top of his already established PTSD. It was Eddie’s words though, even more than what he’d just gone through and done, that kept running through is mind. “Just suck it up” and “You’re exhausting.” It was what his parents had always said to him.

Buck 3.0 had been allowing more of his past to bleed into who he was, and Evan, the scared teenager who was all alone in the world was unfortunately making a comeback. Buck knew he was exhausting; he’d been told that his entire life. He tried to be as unobtrusive as possible, but he was 6’2” and just couldn’t turn off all his emotions anymore either, not all the time at least. He took up space.

Buck pulled Ale’s dog tags out of the drawer beside his bed and clutched them to his chest. The only person who had never found him to be exhausting. What was he good for with Ale gone? What if his family really didn’t want him back at all?

Buck knew he should call Dr. Graham. He should send an email to make an appointment at the very least. But what if Dr. Graham found him exhausting as well. It was the man’s job to listen to him, but what if he groaned every time he saw ‘Buckley’ on his schedule? Maybe this was something Buck should just ‘suck up’ like he was told.

Buck walked into a too silent fire station on Monday morning. He greeted a few people, receiving nothing from them in return. With a sigh, he made his way to the locker room, seeing clearly how this was going to be. He had known it was going to be a rough road back though.

“Hey, welcome back,” Chimney smiled up at him from where he was bent over tying his shoelaces in the locker room.

“You’re the first person to tell me that,” Buck smiled at his sister’s boyfriend, thankful for a kind face.

“Hey, you paid for my drunk girlfriend’s Uber last night, I owe you,” Chimney grinned. “But the rest of them…Maddie said there’s more going on here than I know about, and I trust her. Everyone else though, they’re taking their cues from Cap…”

“And he’s not feeling in the cake and banner mood,” Buck nodded, already having expected this.

Hen stepped around the lockers and held out a small box with a sad smile. “You’re going to have to settle for a cupcake unfortunately.”

“You’re the best,” Buck felt his chest lighten significantly that at least this part of his family wasn’t angry with him. “I really missed you two.”

“Just keep your head down, and Cap and Eddie will eventually come around,” Chimney clapped a hand on his shoulder comfortingly.

“I get Bobby…I’m still not sure what I did to Eddie though. Has he said anything to either of you?” Buck frowned, hoping they could shed some light on this. “I thought I was doing what he would want and giving them some space.”

Hen was already shaking her head though. “Buckaroo, I think whatever Eddie’s problem is has even less to do with you than he thinks. That boy’s going through something, but until he hits rock bottom or asks for help, he isn’t going to listen to any of us.”

Buck was now really concerned. He was actually hoping Eddie was just pissed at him for something now. What had happened while he was away? Buck put his cupcake in his locker and followed Hen and Chimney out to the station where everyone seemed to be congregating for announcements that morning.

“What the hell, Eddie?!” Buck couldn’t help the wince at the visible bruises on his friend’s arms. Eddie looked just as bruised as Buck was under his shirt, only Buck really hoped Eddie hadn’t just infiltrated a terrorist compound while on blood thinners like he had.

“Chris and I were roughhousing,” Eddie said through gritted teeth as if acknowledging Buck’s existence was physically painful.

“With hammers?!” Buck shot back incredulously. Eddie was clearly lying, and he really didn’t know why. What the hell was Eddie involved in?!

The bell rang loudly, stopping whatever more questioning Buck really wanted to do. He turned towards the trucks before his path was immediately blocked by Bobby. “Buck, you’re man behind today,” he said firmly.

Buck stepped back and nodded. “Yes, sir.”

“My house, my rules Buck, no matter what you told the fire chief to get your job back,” Bobby started before he trailed off with a frown. “Wait…what?”

“I said, yes sir. This is your house,” Buck nodded. He was going to put in the work to get right with Bobby. His father had said that same sentence so many times while he was growing up…his house, and his rules…even twelve-year-old Evan knew what that meant. This was going to be an uphill battle.

Bobby just frowned even more deeply as he turned to hurry to the truck. “Start in on the chores,” he called over his shoulder.

The fire station at the 118 was spotless. While Buck always did his assigned chores well, he generally gauged everything he did with what Chimney would do because he was still concerned that someone would notice his military training. Now, he did the absolute best he could do with literally all the chores at the station. It wasn’t fair that no one else had any chores currently and they all landed on him, but Buck wasn’t going to complain.

Buck tried to talk to Eddie again between calls, but his friend just brushed him off or even out-right ignored him. Really, Buck couldn’t even care about Bobby and his treatment at the moment in the wake of whatever the hell was going on with his best friend. Something was very wrong, and Buck was concerned.

Buck texted Carla to check in if she had noticed anything about Eddie, but she said Eddie had been acting perfectly normal around her and Chris and that she hadn’t seen anything concerning except for a few new bruises which she had assumed were from something that happened on the job. However, Hen said there hadn’t been anything that could have caused the bruises to Eddie over their past few shifts though. Whatever it was, wasn’t work related.

Through a whole week of shifts, Buck worked as man behind, cleaning and observing. Eddie was definitely injured but was doing a good job covering for it. But where had the injuries come from?

Halloween rolled around, and Buck still hadn’t been able to get Eddie to talk to him, and he really wanted to see Chris. Being kept from Chris was physically painful to an extent he hadn’t expected. Buck wanted to talk to his buddy about his Halloween costume and maybe even take him trick-or-treating. Eddie still brushed off all contact when Buck tried to approach him though.

Halloween might be the time for crazy calls, but Buck hadn’t expected to run into a woman with a man literally embedded in her windshield driving around town when he wasn’t even on duty. He couldn’t say if it was luck or not that he’d cut himself while helping to extricate the man though. It was unlucky because he had to go to the hospital to get checked out, it was lucky because he’d forgotten that Bobby was still his emergency contact. He should probably change that.

For some reason, nothing Buck had done up until that point had made a dent in Bobby seeing that he was capable and ready to come back to work. Inexplicably, Buck saving the woman and the man in her windshield finally got them talking though. Buck had a feeling that maybe Hen or Chim had been wearing their captain down some too.

“I guess…this is who you are. Even off duty, there you are, saving people without even a thought for yourself,” Bobby finally said with a shrug, exactly what Buck had been trying to get him to see for so long now.

Buck thought he might be a bit of a blind spot for Bobby, and he didn’t know why. Why did it matter more to Bobby that Buck was injured or in danger than it did any of the other firefighters on his shift? It seemed that Bobby…cared? But why? Buck knew why he cared what Bobby thought, but why would his captain care so much about him that he’d endanger his own job to keep Buck out of dangerous situations? Whatever it was, Buck hoped the man stopped for Buck’s own sanity at this point.

“So, breakfast? My treat?” Buck offered, as much of an olive branch as he could extend at the moment. It still hurt what Bobby had put him through, but it’s not like his actual parents hadn’t done worse, so Buck was willing to move forward if Bobby was. He might not be quite at forgiveness yet, but they could get there. They could get past this.

“I’d like that,” Bobby smiled and clapped a hand on his back. “Now, care to tell me what has the fire chief calling me personally to get you back to work at the station? I've been trying to figure out what happened ever since I got the call.”

Buck just chuckled, knowing Bobby probably wouldn’t believe him even if he shoved his resume under his nose at this point. Buck had maybe done too good of a job distancing himself from his past. “I’m getting a commendation for the tsunami soon. That probably had something to do with it. It’s my best guess anyway.”

“Oh really? That’s great, Buck,” Bobby grinned and walked with him towards his Jeep. “What you did helping Chris really was spectacular.”

Buck nodded. “Yeah well, personally, I think it’s ridiculous. You wouldn’t have done anything differently in my shoes. It seems the firetruck group reached out to the chief though, so he’s making a thing about it now.”

“The firetruck group?” Bobby asked with a frown.

Buck shrugged sheepishly. “The people I helped onto the 136’s firetruck during the surges and then organized to move to the field hospital. It really wasn’t a big deal. They’ve started a whole Facebook group thing with everyone in it and planning a get together though, so it’s kind of got out of hand at this point.”

Bobby just stopped right there in the middle of the parking lot. “Buck…just how many people are we talking about? How many people did you save during the tsunami?”

“Well, really just Chris, but it was my fault he was there to begin with,” Buck felt his face flaming. He really hadn’t done anything much. Hell, any member of his squad would probably have been better than him. “I jumped back in though and tied off a fire hose to catch people pushed by us in the water and pulled a few people up. Mostly, I just barked orders and organized a buddy system and made sure the group was organized enough to stay safe and help anyone else we came across. They did most of the work, I just kept them all together and moving forward.”

“Buck…,” Bobby ran a hand over his face and just huffed out a laugh. “Right, different question. How many people are in this Facebook group?”

“I don’t know; I didn’t join it.”

“Of course you didn’t…” Bobby sighed with a fond smile that Buck just didn’t understand.

“Last I talked to Chris, he said there were about thirty,” he shrugged, really wanting to change the subject.

Bobby clapped a hand back on Buck’s shoulder and steered him towards his Jeep once more. “Kid…just…breakfast is on me, ok? Hell, I’m surprised Chief Alonzo didn’t have my job.”

“You’re a good captain, Bobby. Just maybe don’t try to protect me quite as much next time,” Buck said, unlocking the door to his car.

“Never, kid, never…and there better not be a next time,” Bobby shook his head and grinned before turning to find his own truck.

Well…one down, Buck sighed, so very thankful to have his captain back in his family once more. Now he just needed to figure out what was going on with Eddie. The distance he’d intentionally placed to hopefully get over his feelings for his best friend hadn’t helped in the slightest. He’d only missed Eddie every second of the day and thought about Chris and what he must be doing continuously. Inappropriate and unwelcomed feelings for his best friend aside, Eddie might think he needed space now, but Buck knew he didn’t actually. Buck would figure out what was going on and show his best friend that he would always be there for him, even when it hurt him to do so.

Chapter Text

Buck was definitely a creeper. Maybe he could sell it to himself as keeping his covert skills sharp, but that really didn’t make him feel any better as he discreetly followed behind his best friend’s inexplicably nice, new truck to where he dropped Chris off at what must be a sleepover based on all the children running around the house. Eddie’s bruises, plus the new truck were adding up to not good things all around in Buck’s mind…hence why he was spying on him currently. Buck really hoped Eddie turned that shiny truck around and went right back home for the night or maybe even stopped at a restaurant for a date, even if that would break Buck’s heart a little. He really did need to get these feelings under control.

It made a kind of sick sense when Buck found himself at an illegal underground fighting ring. It hadn’t been top of Buck’s suspicions, but it made sense as an outlet for what seemed like some serious anger issues Eddie was working through. Eddie must be pretty good too if he was able to afford the new truck. This was very concerning since it would only feed into Eddie thinking this was a good idea and not seriously stupid and dangerous.

As much as Buck supported Eddie having an outlet and maybe even joining a boxing club, this kind of group was unregulated, illegal, and very dangerous. Plus, an injured Eddie was a slow Eddie on the job, and while Buck still trusted him with his life no matter how strained their relationship currently, if Eddie himself was hurt or killed on the job, Buck couldn’t survive that.

Buck sat in his Jeep for a few minutes, trying to figure out a reasonable course of action. Eddie needed to lose a fight, and he needed some sense knocked into him, maybe not in that order. Buck really debated if he thought he could beat Eddie or not. While Eddie was clearly good at fighting, he was a former army medic who hadn’t been active duty in years, and Buck was still a Navy SEAL who had to keep up with his training. He really didn’t want Eddie to know it was him though. That would raise a lot of questions he didn’t want to answer. Plus, he was on blood thinners. This was a terrible idea.

Option two, Buck looked at his phone. Sam was the only member of his former squad who also lived in LA and who he knew he could ask for help. Sam was always busy though. He was the absolute hardest person to track down when you needed him. While Buck was sure Sam would agree to beat up his best friend if he was available, that was also a lot to ask of someone he really hadn’t kept in touch with very well. Regardless, he called the contact number he had for his former squad member. With a sigh, he gave up at the voicemail picking up. Sam really was too busy.

Back to option one then. After a quick Google search, there was a Spirit of Halloween just down the street that was still open and had a massive season’s end sale going on since it was after Halloween. One terrible wolf mask purchased later, and Buck was back in his Jeep and fishing the tube of concealer out of his glove compartment that he used daily to cover his SEAL tattoo on his side and the visible bullet scars he still had.

Buck took his shirt off and began covering all the tattoos that Eddie could see and recognize. He paused at the trident on his side and left it, coming up with an idea to sell the promoter on to get him on the card with his friend. Eddie had never seen this tattoo and actually would give him more anonymity as a different person and a backstory.

It was too easy to find the promoter and have himself put up against Eddie. With a wince, Buck was concerned it was going to be too easy to take down his friend too, even with the limited visibility of the mask he was wearing and the fact he was still on blood thinners. Unfortunately, it looked like Eddie had already fought one match in the time it’d taken him to buy the mask and cover his tattoos. Buck really didn’t want to hurt Eddie, but his friend was already tired and a little battered.

“We got a real treat for you all tonight!” The promoter announced through his bullhorn. “We got us our very own version of an Army/Navy game happening right here!”

Buck adjusted his mask and stepped into the cage with Eddie, blocking out the screams of the crowd around them. Eddie looked rough. Like he looked good physically, really good as in fit, strong, and like he might really be able to kick Buck’s ass. However, the look in his eyes was not Eddie. All the care, love, and even exasperation Buck usually saw in them was gone, wiped out with only rage left behind. It was a look he’d seen on Hulk too many times before he’d gotten help, and one he’d never, ever wanted to see on Eddie.

“In this corner,” the promoter motioned towards Eddie. “We have our fan-favorite, Diaz, representing Army!” The crowd went wild. Buck caught Eddie’s eyes and saw them track to his SEAL tattoo and take in the mask. Eddie rolled his shoulders and cracked his neck, clearly not intimidated in the slightest.

Buck really wanted to kick Eddie’s ass now too for using his own name if for nothing else. The fights were illegal, and the idiot used his own last name! Plus, nothing to hide his identity at all. Buck wasn’t the only one wearing a mask there, especially with the amount of people filming this on their phones.

“And in this corner, we have our newcomer!” The promoter motioned to Buck. “Representing Navy, we have Sketch! Give it up and lay down your bets for Army or Navy!”

Buck gave his head a little shake and let himself sink into Sketch. He’d sparred with Steve, Tex, Sam, and even Ale many times over the years. This was no different. Only this time, he needed to end the fight quickly and efficiently enough for Eddie to clearly lose, to show him he wasn’t invincible, and to be the starting point to make him see some sense here. Yes, he was going to hurt Eddie, but he’d promised to protect Chris, and if this was the only way he could come up with to do that, then that’s just what he was going to have to do.

Eddie wasn’t thinking clearly. He never did in the cage, and that was one of the main draws that kept pulling him back whenever he had a night all to himself with too many thoughts and too much silence. He didn’t do being alone well. Before, when Chris had plans for the evening with his friends, Eddie had always had Buck he could go to, but now…his house was too quiet, and his anger was too fierce. He couldn’t stay home alone or he’d crawl out of his own skin.

He sized up this new fighter. The mask was terrible, but many people wore a mask here since everything about it was all very against the law. Eddie scoffed at the trident tattoo. He didn’t believe this guy was actually a Navy SEAL in the slightest. Anyone could get a tattoo and try to pass themselves off as something they weren’t. Why would the guy be here at a cage fight if he was? The logical follow-up question would be why Eddie was there, but again, not thinking clearly in the moment. The fighter was a little taller than him with maybe a little more muscle, but Eddie still thought he could take him.

The bets were set, and Eddie was already metaphorically counting the zeros in the purse. Chris needed new crutches and new shoes, and he tended to only like the expensive orthopedic shoes at the store. The bell rang loudly, and Eddie stepped forward amidst the screams around them. All thoughts were wiped away in the single-minded focus of fighting, of winning. The rush…it was what he lived for these days.

Thirty seconds into the fight and that rush had firmly turned to the repeating thought of “Mierda! Shit!” He was outmatched and all his rage had suddenly turned to fear. The last thing he saw was a taped fist heading towards his face before everything blacked out.

Buck felt so bad. He really hadn’t meant to completely knock Eddie out, but it had been convenient since he was able to get his friend into his own truck and drive him back home while he was still out of it. Ok, Buck saw the advantages of the new truck. It was nice. Buck’s Jeep was the same one he’d gotten second-hand from his sister when he was 18, so it had absolutely no amenities, and he had to get the A/C fixed literally every year at this point. Eddie’s truck had a back-up camera and comfortable seats, and it didn’t rattle continuously while driving and the A/C worked excellently. Hell, he was almost sold if the sentimental value of his Jeep wasn’t so strong.

Eddie winced on the couch, finally coming around. “Hey, sit up slowly,” Buck told him, needing to check his friend for a concussion.

“Look here,” he shined a pin light across Eddie’s eyes as he winced and pulled away in surprise.

“Buck?”

“Good, you know my name. Can you tell me yours and where we are?”

“What? Are you checking me for a concussion? How did I get here?” Eddie looked around at his own house in confusion.

Buck put the light aside, not seeing signs of a concussion at the moment, but still worried about it. “I drove you here after you got your ass handed to you in the ring. Which, really great life choices there Eds.”

He put his hands in his lap to cover the bruised knuckles. The bruises down his side from his deployment had finally cleared, but Eddie had just added a quite a few new ones to Buck’s collection that he’d have to be careful to keep hidden for a few days. Blood thinners really were no joke. It hadn’t been a long fight, but Eddie had gotten in a few good punches and one memorable kick to Buck’s side.

“How did you…? How did you know where I was?” Eddie frowned deeply, sitting up on his couch now and rubbing what was probably going to be a large knot on his head. “You were there?”

“I followed you,” Buck leaned back in the armchair and crossed his arms defensively. “I knew something was going on with you with all the bruises and the anger, and I was worried. Turns out I had a reason to be worried.”

Eddie’s confusion turned to anger immediately. “This isn’t any of your business, Buck. Stay out of it. This is my life, not yours!”

“I’m making it my business,” Buck leaned forward and glared at Eddie, hoping he could make this sink in. “You said I could have your back any day, and I take that very seriously, even if you’ve forgotten.”

“You haven’t even been here,” Eddie tried next.

Buck cut him off, jabbing a finger in his face. “When I say I’m going to have your back, that means that I’m supposed to protect Christopher too. I may have failed you when I took him to the pier and a tsunami hit us, but I’ll spend every day the rest of my life making up for that!”

Eddie’s anger seemed to clear for a moment, and he frowned. “But…Buck…that’s not…”

“I’m going to protect Chris with my life,” Buck continued, not even wanting to listen to whatever Eddie was saying. “I’ll protect him, even if I’m protecting him from you!”

Buck winced. He’d caused the horrified look in Eddie’s eyes now. He hadn't meant to say it that strongly.

“I’d never…!”

“I know! I know you’d never raise a hand to Chris,” Buck cut him off frantically. “But this anger you have, you may be keeping it separate now and in the ring, but it’s going to bleed over eventually. It’s toxic, and it’ll eat at you and your relationships. Take it from someone who knows too well, you don’t want Chris to grow up in that environment.”

Eddie closed his eyes and sank back into the couch. “It’s just too much. I don’t even know why. The anger, it’s just always there.”

Buck opened the drawer in the side table and pulled out the pen and pad of paper he knew Eddie kept there for random things. He jotted down the number he’d texted his sister for earlier that evening for this very moment. “You are going to call this number tomorrow and make an appointment with a therapist,” he ordered, putting the paper on the table between them.

“Buck…”

“This is the guy my sister’s been seeing. He’s former military, so he gets it, and he works with the department, so he’s covered on your insurance,” Buck overrode his objections.

“Buck, I’m not a therapy person,” Eddie tried.

“Well, I didn’t think you were an illegal, street fighter person either, but here we are,” Buck slid the paper closer to him on the coffee table. “I know you don’t like me very much right now, but I’m serious when I say I’ll protect Chris even from you if I have to. Get help. There isn’t an ‘or else’ or anything here, but I’ll do what I have to do to make sure my best friend gets his head on straight, and my superman is safe and happy.”

Eddie just stared at him for a long moment before he reached out and picked up the piece of paper. “I think I’d like to be alone now,” Eddie said lowly. “You can go home.”

“Well, tough cookies because you might have a concussion,” Buck stood with a huff. He’d really like to storm out right now to make his point, but someone needed to keep an eye on Eddie. “Off to bed with you, and I’ll be waking you up every hour whether you like it or not. If you try to kick me out, I’ll call Hen, and you’ll have to deal with her doing the exact same thing but with even more judgement.”

Eddie actually stood and allowed himself to be led back to his room. Buck was shocked to say the least that he was just going along with it now. Maybe he’d screwed up Eddie’s head more than he’d thought. Or maybe what he said had actually had shocked some sense into him.

“I find it more than a little concerning no one stopped you from basically kidnapping my unconscious ass. I mean, there is willingly watching an illegal fight, and then there is watching a kidnapping and doing nothing. Those are two very different things, and that seems a little extreme,” Eddie remarked when he was manhandled into the bathroom with a change of clothes placed on the sink.

Yeah, that hadn’t been good. No one had even tried to stop him from picking up Eddie and carting him off. That was just…really not right. “Well, it helps that I knew the guy you were fighting and may even have called in a favor to get him there to knock some sense into you,” Buck looked off to the side, not wanting to lie to Eddie, but he also wasn’t about to keep the money, so he needed an excuse to have it. Buck tossed the stack of bills onto the bathroom sink.

“Dios mio,” Eddie looked at the money and blanched. “Is a Navy SEAL going to be calling me to do a favor for him one day? That sounds worse than owing the mob a favor!”

“What? No!” Buck chuckled. “You’re good, just pay off that truck as much as you can and give me a ride in it occasionally. Damn, but it has great shocks and A/C.”

“Dude, you need to get a new car,” Eddie smiled before painfully pulling off his shirt.

“Yeah, yeah…there’s nothing wrong with my Jeep,” Buck shook his head and left the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Whatever was broken in their friendship wasn’t fixed yet, but this was a good sign that it could be. Eddie needed help, and Buck was going to make sure he got it, and then they could fix whatever this was that was broken.

“I see you are here for some anger issues,” Frank, the therapist Buck had insisted he see, commented with a look at his notepad that had Eddie’s intake form on it. “Where would you like to start?”

Eddie really didn’t know what he thought about this whole therapy thing. His family weren’t ones for talking about their issues, but that hadn’t really served them well either if all the resentment he had built up for his parents said anything. Plus, Buck saying he was going to protect Christopher from Eddie…that just…that was not acceptable that anyone would ever think Chris could even slightly be in danger from Eddie. That was rock bottom if Eddie had ever seen it. That sentence right there, and Eddie was willing to admit he had a problem. So, here he was…

“What do you mean?” He asked, not knowing how this worked. Did he start with his childhood? The fights? What?

“Well, when you think about being angry…what’s a circumstance that comes to mind, and we’ll start there. It can be anything as significant or insignificant as you want it to be for us to start with,” Frank clicked his pin and gave Eddie what was probably supposed to be an encouraging look.

Eddie didn’t know what to say though. There was just so much that came to mind. There was the helicopter crash and everything that happened in Afghanistan, there was Shannon leaving, Shannon asking for a divorce, Shannon dying, the tsunami and that Eddie hadn’t even known Buck and Chris were in danger until they showed up at the field hospital, Chris’s nightmares and grieving, Buck leaving, there was just too much. He opened his mouth not even knowing what was going to come out.

“I think my best friend thinks I’m homophobic,” was what came out to even his own surprise. But yeah, that pissed him off too! Why didn’t Buck trust him?!

“Ok…” Frank frowned. “And you aren’t I suppose?”

“What? No!” Eddie shook his head firmly. “Of course not!”

“Then why do you believe your friend thinks you are?” Frank jotted something down and Eddie desperately wanted to know what it was.

“I found a picture of my friend with a past boyfriend by accident one day,” Eddie crossed his arms and pulled in a breath. “He has to be at least like bi or something, right? He’s never mentioned the guy or liking guys or anything to me before. He must think I’m some homophobic asshole or something.”

“Has he dated anyone since you’ve known him?” Frank asked, still writing, and Eddie needed to look at that paper.

“Well, yeah…he dated this woman for a while, but honestly, he’s been single most of the time I’ve known him,” Eddie frowned then as his own comment sank in.

He’d heard all the stories of Buck 1.0 from Hen and Chimney. It was a bit odd that Buck hadn’t dated anyone besides Ali in the time he’d known him, right? Was Buck not telling him about other people? What about the SEAL guy Buck had called in a favor with? What if he was an ex? What if he was someone Buck was currently seeing and just hadn’t told Eddie? Oh hell, Buck was probably dating the guy who kicked his ass!

“I think I might not know anything about his life,” Eddie frowned even more deeply as all those thoughts flitted through his mind.

“Why do you think this causes you so much anger?” Frank asked, and yeah…it was a valid question. Why was Eddie so angry about this? Why was it the first thing that came to mind about why he had so much rage?

“I should know though,” was the only thought that came as a response. “I should know everything about him. He knows everything about me…or at least he used to.”

Frank put his pen down and looked at Eddie with that unreadable expression Eddie was starting to hate. “Do you have to know everything about a person for them to be your friend?”

“No…I don’t guess so,” he admitted, but it just wasn’t like that with them. They were BuckandEddie not Buck and Eddie. They were supposed to know everything about each other.

“What did you feel when you found this picture? Was it anger immediately?” Frank asked next, and Eddie really had to think about it. It wasn’t though. He hadn’t been angry at the time. The anger came later and really wasn’t attached to the picture at all, wasn’t it?

“They looked so happy…” Eddie trailed off, wondering what the emotion was. He’d felt something very strongly. He’d been sad they weren’t together anymore, but something else…

“Maybe a little jealousy?” Frank asked with a raise of his eyebrow.

“What? No! I’m straight!” Eddie immediately scoffed.

Frank’s mouth quirked up in almost a smile. “You don’t have to be attracted to someone to be jealous of their relationship with someone else,” Frank said, and oh…Eddie’s mind hadn’t even gone to that. “Do you think there’s a reason you thought I was asking if you were romantically attracted to your friend?”

Eddie blinked. No…why…? He thought about the picture, how happy Buck had looked. His heart had clenched at it. He’d never had that feeling with Ali though. But Buck hadn’t ever really seemed that happy with Ali. If Eddie were being honest, he hadn’t really expected Ali and Buck’s relationship to last long at all. Frankly, there was probably a betting pool on how short it would be that Eddie had just missed.

Eddie thought about Buck sleeping on his couch for so long after the tsunami to be there when Chris woke up from his nightmares. How Buck was always there for a beer and movie when Eddie needed him. How when things got too intense or too boring at the station, Buck had fun facts from some Wikipedia hole he’d fallen down to get them all laughing. How Buck had saved his son’s life in the middle of a freaking natural disaster and still thought he’d somehow failed Eddie. How Buck had sat in his living room and told him that he’d protect Chris with his life, even if that meant protecting him from Eddie. Buck looking at him with that stupidly cute smile on his face with those stupidly cute blue eyes and that stupid ripped body of his…

Eddie let out a breath that might as well have been thirty years of repression. “I might not be as straight as I originally thought…” he trailed off with a terrified look at Frank. What was he supposed to do now?

Frank just nodded his head firmly. “Well, that’s a good place for us to start then. Let’s talk past relationships, shall we? Or is there something else you want to discuss first?”

Eddie closed his eyes and leaned back up against the couch. Hell, he was never going to get out of therapy, was he? “I guess we should start with my late wife then.”

Things weren’t exactly back to normal yet, but they were good. What even was normal anyway? Christopher was beside himself with glee that Buck was back in his life almost daily. They’d been on two trips to the park, one trip to the zoo, and one trip just the two of them without Eddie to the planetarium all since Eddie had first started therapy and finally stopped fighting. Buck had even had the rod removed from his leg and was off the blood thinners, so things were going as smooth as they ever had in a long time.

Eddie didn’t know what to do with the feelings he seemed to have all of a sudden realized he had for his best friend, feelings which he’d probably had for a long time now that he’d refused to recognize. He didn’t really know what they meant or even how to separate them from all the other chaos of feelings he had about his past relationship with Shannon now. Frank had told him to hold off on trying to find a label that fit him right now in favor of just accepting that the feelings did exist and were perfectly fine, that they weren’t a betrayal to Shannon’s memory or anything.

Eddie hadn’t seen any other signs of this SEAL that Buck may or may not be dating around, but he was looking now and for anything else he may be missing in his best friend’s life. Whatever his feelings for Buck, they didn’t matter as long as his best friend was happy. And while Buck might not be ready to let Eddie in yet, Eddie would look for ways to be supportive. That didn’t help that his heart seemed to be breaking almost daily now though.

Somehow, they’d made it past Christmas, and Eddie thought he might actually be processing some things and actually holding it all together somehow. He really did hate therapy, but he couldn’t say that it wasn’t working. Even with trying to process everything, Eddie thought his heart might actually explode when Buck pulled together a family Christmas for everyone at the fire station against all odds. Seeing Christopher on Christmas day was something that he had desperately needed, and he just wanted to wrap Buck in his arms the same as he’d done for Chris at the thought, the time, and the care he’d put into everything.

“The elf at the Christmas village told Buck and me that our son was really cute when we took Chris to get pictures with Santa,” he told Frank in their first session after the holiday. “Buck turned bright red when I just told the lady thank you.”

“How did that make you feel; that the woman assumed Chris was your kid with Buck?” Frank asked predictably. Eddie still hated that question, but this time it wasn’t so bad.

“Happy…and sad,” Eddie said after a moment of thought. He’d brought this up for a reason and wanted to talk it out. “I mean, I get it on a logical level. Chris has blonde, curly hair like Buck and frankly looks more like his kid than mine.”

“And you didn’t correct her,” Frank pointed out.

Eddie nodded. “When he went away on his trip and I spiraled, I realized just how much he’d basically been co-parenting with me, especially after the tsunami. Chris loves him so much, and it’s clear how much Buck loves Chris…enough to convince me to see you.”

“And now you realize you have feelings for him,” Frank added, writing something down.

“Which is the sad part,” Eddie sighed. “Sad that he doesn’t feel the same way about me. That Buck doesn’t see how much a part of our family he is, even when he’s basically my kid’s other parent.”

“Now, Eddie…we’ve talked about this. You can’t know for sure what Buck’s feelings are without talking to him about them,” Frank reminded him, but Eddie didn’t need the reminder. It was just…there was too much at stake for him to talk to Buck about this, especially when Buck hadn’t opened up to him about not being straight. Buck was too important to their family to make him uncomfortable or make him want to take a step back from them.

He needed to change the subject. “I’ve been doing some research…I think I’m ready to settle on some labels I feel comfortable with.”

“You know you don’t need to do that unless you want to,” Frank said, but with a small smile.

“I know, but it helps to have some less uncertainty about all this, and something to call myself,” Eddie waved his hand around to encompass…well, everything.

“If it helps, then would you like to tell me what you are thinking about?” Frank asked. “I would be honored to be the first person you tell.”

Eddie nodded. He could do this. If he was ever going to come out to anyone, it would be his therapist that had been there in the beginning when he realized that he wasn’t exactly straight.

“I think I’m actually gay,” he said with a wince. “I loved Shannon, but we were so young, and I don’t think we would even have gotten married if it wasn’t for Chris…I just never had to the time to actually figure myself out before we were married with a kid.”

“That’s a big step to admit to yourself,” Frank actually did smile at him now, and Eddie took that for a win.

“I think I might be demisexual though too…” Eddie trailed off, finding that label even more comfortable than gay. “I just…I don’t feel attracted to people like others seem to. Hell, I didn’t even realize I was attracted to Buck until we’d been friends for almost a couple years.”

“You know you can always change how you view yourself too,” Frank reminded him. “If you find that something fits you better later, there is nothing wrong with changing those arbitrary labels.”

“I know,” Eddie nodded, because he really did know now. He chuckled. “I decided in my thirties I wasn’t straight, so yeah…That’s probably what I understand the most right now of everything.”

“You’ve made a lot of progress, Eddie,” Frank jotted something down. “You should do something you like, something to celebrate just how far you’ve come. You have to take some time for yourself occasionally. Therapy is a marathon, not a sprint.”

Eddie smiled, knowing just what he wanted to do. “I have dinner and video games with my boys tonight. That’s all I need.”

Buck was digging in the mud, pulling the dirt up with his fingers and everything in him. He knew he was doing nothing, but he had to try. He sobbed and he dug harder and harder. He’d dig until his fingers bled and he passed out if he had to. He screamed with everything he had when he was bodily pulled away from the ground where his best friend and the man he loved was buried alive.

He had no training for this. He couldn’t swim to Eddie. He couldn’t shoot at anything or blow anything up. He couldn’t get to his partner. He grabbed onto whoever was holding him, Bobby it seemed, and just screamed again with every part of his soul.

Buck wished he was the one who’d gone down in the well. Why did Eddie have to cut his line? If someone was going to be lost down there, it should be Buck, not Eddie. People needed Eddie. Chris needed Eddie. Buck needed Eddie!

Everyone was trying to find some way to get to Eddie, somewhere to dig or side tunnel from the well. Buck could tell they weren’t hopeful though. Everyone was looking at him like they were going to have to tell him all hope was lost. Buck hadn’t held it together the first time he’d gone through this, and he didn’t think he could this time either. How did he survive this twice in one lifetime?

“You all looking for me?”

Buck’s world fell onto the one dirty, wet, and probably hypothermic man who had somehow saved himself when none of them had any idea how to help him in the slightest. Eddie clearly was losing the fight to stay conscious, and Buck had him scooped up in two steps, held as tightly to himself as he could. Eddie was not a small or light man, but Buck would hold him as long as he was able, as long as he was allowed.

Buck freaking picked him up. Damn, Eddie hadn’t realized how hot that could be! If he wasn’t more than halfway unconscious at the moment, he had a feeling that he was probably going to let some very inappropriate and telling comments loose. Somehow, he just turned his cold nose into Buck’s neck and let himself sink into the warmth around him though. What had he done to deserve this man?

Eddie sat with his lawyer and signed the papers only three days after he’d almost died in a cold, dark well out on a farm all alone. He probably should have talked to Frank about all this, but Frank would have told him to talk to Buck, and Eddie had pretty much decided to just let it all play out when he was dead and no longer there to have to deal with the fallout in person. If something happened to Eddie, then Buck should be Chris’s parent. Buck was already Chris’s other parent, so now it was just more official.

It's not that there was anything really wrong with Eddie’s parents, but they were not who he wanted raising his son. They only saw Chris as they wanted to see him, and not who he really was. They would never help build a skateboard Chris could use to learn to skate, they would just tell him he couldn’t skate. He also wasn’t sure how they would take the fact that Eddie was gay. They weren’t homophobic per say, but more like, as long as it wasn’t their family. Which, what if Chris turned out to not be straight later? How would his parents handle that?

Also, when his parents were worried about Chris after Shannon left, they had tried to get Eddie to give them his son to raise. When Buck was worried about Chris, he got Eddie into therapy and stayed at their house and made them an even stronger family. Buck was who Chris needed if something happened to Eddie. Buck would fight for Chris. He had no doubts in his mind at all as he signed his new will. Telling anyone though…that was another story. Yeah, letting everyone hash this out after his death seemed like a good idea at the moment.

Chapter Text

It had been a rough shift in a line of rough shifts during a global pandemic. Eddie tiredly dried off his hair and wrapped the towel around his waist in Buck’s steamy bathroom. Staying at Buck’s loft during quarantine was both wonderful and so very bad for his mental health. There was absolutely no privacy with Chim on Buck’s couch, Hen on the air mattress, and Eddie with Buck in his bed. Hell, there hadn’t even been a question about Eddie sleeping in the bed with Buck, Hen and Chim just took their spots in the loft and assumed that was just how things were.

Everyone missed their kids so much. Being an essential worker sucked when it meant being separated from your family. Only being able to see Chris over video chat was slowly killing him, and Chim was about to drive everyone crazy with how concerned he was over Maddie’s pregnancy.

Eddie was pretty sure all of them were about ready to chip in to get Buck at least an apartment with walls. And Eddie, well, sleeping in the bed with Buck every night was torture, especially when they almost always woke up cuddled together, and it wasn’t even only one of their faults, it changed based on the day if it was Buck or Eddie who was wrapped around the other like an octopus. The awkward moments had awkward moments by that point in the mornings, but they were doing their best to make it work, and at some point, they just stopped caring.

The best and worst part of sharing a bed with Buck though, were the nightmares. Eddie knew he had a lot of nightmares, now with all he was working through with Frank, he knew they were a symptom of his PTSD. He’d never had anyone who would just roll over and hold him though when he woke up terrified and who knew exactly how to talk him down. Distressingly though, Buck had just as many if not more nightmares than Eddie, and he found himself doing the same thing for his friend.

Why did Buck have so many nightmares? Granted, with all that Buck went through, he most likely had some form of PTSD as well from the tsunami and ladder truck and everything, but Eddie was very concerned about how all this was affecting his friend. But then, they would just hold each other, and it healed something within Eddie even as it broke his heart knowing all this would end.

However, the most difficult situation to navigate with all of them living in Buck’s small loft somehow became Eddie and Buck’s therapy sessions. Which, he hadn’t even known Buck was in therapy too until they were living literally on top of each other. It made sense with how much Buck had insisted on him giving it a try though. It also made sense with Buck’s nightmares, and Eddie only hoped he was getting some help there. He really hadn’t known how bad Buck had it, even when he saw how Buck had been the one helping Chris through his own nightmares after the tsunami. Eddie really should have seen it.

Eddie stepped out of the bathroom into Buck’s bedroom and paused at his poor timing. “I think the reason it’s still bothering me is that she didn’t even understand that leaving me wasn’t the problem, it was how she did it. She never even apologized for that,” Buck sighed and ran a hand over his face.

Eddie blinked at the man on the computer screen whose eyes met his across the room. Eddie gave him a sheepish smile at the fact that he was half naked and very wet before making an attempt at an awkward wave before shuffling back into the bathroom to get dressed there in the steam. The guy on the screen was definitely laughing at him.

He'd caught what they had been talking about, and it made Eddie frown as he tried to clear the steam from the mirror. Eddie was pissed that Buck was still struggling over seeing Abby again at the train derailment right before the world seemed to end with this pandemic. To be clear, he was not pissed at Buck at all, but definitely at Abby and the whole situation.

He knew Abby had been some kind of turning point for Buck, but she’d hurt him so much with how she’d left, and Eddie did actually understand where Abby didn’t. He didn’t know what exactly had gone on in Buck’s childhood, but even he knew that Buck had a fear of not being wanted or needed around, and Abby ghosting him played into something from his past that really touched on all his insecurities. Eddie really hoped he never met Buck’s parents, because he had choice words for them just from the very little he knew.

After taking his time getting dressed, Eddie slowly opened the door this time and stuck his head out. “Oh good,” he sighed and stepped into the bedroom, seeing that the therapy session was over this time.

“Dude…that’s the first time I’ve seen Dr. Graham laugh!” Buck turned a huge triumphant grin on him that took Eddie’s breath away. “I’ve been trying to get that man to laugh for years! Score one to Buck for therapy!”

Oh wow, Buck had been doing therapy for years? That was…very mature of him, Eddie supposed. “Glad to be of service,” Eddie shook his head fondly at his best friend before shuffling over and collapsing onto his side of the bed…and didn’t that thought hurt because it would end someday, and there no longer would be an Eddie’s side of the bed in the loft.

“Don’t let Chris hang up before I get out of the shower,” Buck pulled an old LAFD t-shirt out of his drawer and some clean boxers.

“Yup! Wouldn’t dream of it!” Eddie opened his phone and checked the time. “Dude, why does your therapist look like he could kick my therapist’s ass?” Buck laughed loudly, getting shushed from Hen all the way from downstairs. She must be trying to talk to Karen and Denny.

“Well, your therapist is in a wheelchair, but I bet he could hold his own if it came down to it,” Buck laughed, shaking his head all the way into the bathroom.

Eddie chuckled and went to start a Facetime call with his Tia Pepa and Chris. He paused and realized his battery was getting low. He groaned dramatically because his charger was downstairs in his bag, and he didn’t want to go down and disturb Hen’s conversation and whatever Chim was doing while he was pining over being away from Maddie. That would be a whole thing, plus he was comfortable.

Well, good thing his phone and Buck’s could share a charger. He leaned across the bed and pulled open the bedside drawer where he’d seen Buck keep a spare charger. He pulled the cord, and a chain came out with it, looped through the cable and tangled together.

Eddie scooted across the bed and pulled out whatever it was to untangle it. With a frown, Eddie held up a set of dog tags. “What the hell?” He frowned more deeply, having absolutely no clue why Buck would have dog tags of all things in his bedside drawer.

Eddie held it up with a squint and read: “Alejandro Gonzales” printed on them with the man’s military and basic information.  

Well, it seemed Buck had a type with men at least, Eddie snorted at the special ops marker on them. Navy SEALs seemed to be who Buck went after. Wait, was this Alejandro who had fought Eddie in the cage fight that time? That person hadn’t seemed to be Hispanic, but it was night, and he had been wearing a mask, so that was only a guess really. But why would Buck have his dog tags? That wasn’t something you just gave a person. You couldn’t if you were still active duty. Maybe they were two different Navy SEALs like he’d first thought… Maybe Buck wasn’t dating the SEAL he’d fought, but knew him through the past boyfriend? SEAL teams were very close, so if Buck had been dating a member of the team, then he would realistically know his boyfriend’s teammates.

With horrifying realization, Eddie finally understood why Buck had never mentioned his past boyfriend and probably why he’d never come out to any of them. He quickly put the tags back in the drawer with the charger and closed it. He had to pretend like he’d never seen it, just like with the picture.

Oh hell, how had he not put it together sooner?! Buck kept the picture but put it out of sight, and he never mentioned that particular relationship even when Buck still talked often about Abby and Ali and even the Buck 1.0 days. Buck had never been ashamed of his failed relationships and had always been open about them. And, if he didn’t talk about this past relationship specifically, and the man’s SEAL team was still keeping up with Buck, but they weren’t in a relationship anymore… and Buck had his dog tags. Alejandro was dead.

Buck had been so supportive when Shannon had died, almost knowing what Eddie needed before Eddie did. Was this why? Did Buck lose someone he loved? How had no one known this? Did anyone know this? Did Maddie even know this? They hadn’t been in touch for a long time.

Eddie’s phone dinged and he schooled his face to look happy and excited to talk to Chris. He only hoped his battery held out because there was no way he was going to open that drawer again. He only hoped Buck didn’t realize he had because he didn’t want to force Buck to tell him before he was ready. Maybe one day, maybe Buck would be able to talk about it, and Eddie would be there for him.

Buck stared…another piece of the Jenga tower of his lies had been removed and the tower was shaking this time. Someone had looked in the drawer beside his bed. What was he thinking; it was definitely Eddie who had looked in the drawer. Who else would go rummaging through his nightstand? Hen wouldn’t want to invade his privacy, and Chim would avoid it like the plague thinking he’d find condoms and lube and things in there…which there definitely were but pushed way into the back of the drawer. But everything at the front had been rearraigned. Buck knew he was a little extra in knowing what the drawer had looked like the last time he’d closed it, but that was just how his brain worked, and things had definitely moved around.  

Buck took out his charger and stared at the set of dog tags lying there, clearly in a different position. Thankfully, Buck had moved his own dog tags to a box in the back of his closet with his uniform and fatigues when his entire team had moved in with him, but he just couldn’t bring himself to move Ale’s. Ale’s tags had always been in his bedside drawer, no matter where he’d lived. So, Eddie had most likely seen them. Why hadn’t he said anything?

Buck hadn’t looked in the drawer for a few days since he hadn’t needed his spare charger before now, so he wasn’t sure when Eddie had opened, it, but his best friend hadn’t said a word. Would Eddie have understood the significance of Buck having them…of course he would, Eddie was military too. Even if he was trying to be respectful of Buck’s privacy, still…why didn’t he say anything? Buck was so confused.

“Buck! Car’s leaving in five with you or without you!” Hen called up loudly. He supposed this wasn’t the time to deal with it all. They had work.

Buck shoved the spare charger in his bag and slung it over his shoulder. He would deal with it when he had to. He’d known his lies would catch up to him one day, maybe that day was sooner rather than later.

They had all finally been able to return home, even if the world was still broken, and Eddie was absolutely not sleeping well all alone in his bed now. He’d gotten used to Buck’s snoring and his cold feet and him just being there. He’d gotten used to having someone to hold him after a nightmare. He was so screwed.

Things had been going fairly smoothly with work at least though until the day of the curse or jinx or whatever you wanted to call it. Eddie still thought it was all ridiculous, superstitious nonsense. It was really fun riling up the rest of the team though all throughout the crazy calls that day. He really had no problem with other people believing in superstitions, but picking at everyone else about how ridiculous they were being was just so fun.

Through all the insanity, it was still running into Ana Flores that stuck out as the most significant part of the day to Eddie. Chris’s old teacher was just there, injured at their first strange call of the day. It wasn’t even that he knew the woman that well, but she had definitely been flirting, and Eddie found himself flirting a little too out of just habit or ingrained heterosexual behaviors or something. It was the first time he’d been in that position since he’d started therapy and realized he’d been looking at dating and relationships wrong…for himself anyway.

The part that stuck with him about the whole interaction though was the clear belief he had that if he hadn’t been speaking with Frank and dealing with his issues for months now, that he would actually have asked her out. No doubt about it, he would definitely have tried to start a relationship with Ana Flores. Not that he was attracted to her, yeah she was nice looking, but no, he was pretty solid on the gay label at this point. He would have asked her out because she was exactly who his family would have picked for him. She was Hispanic, educated, loved kids, she had it all, and was who Eddie was supposed to be with. She wasn’t Buck…

The whole thing should have ended there when he jogged over to the main scene of the accident and been something he could just brush off and maybe talk to Frank about later, but Buck had seen. Of course, he had seen and wasn’t going to let it go.

“So, who was that you were talking to back at the call?” Buck asked when they finally had a moment in the loft at the station between their crazy calls. “You seemed to know her, and she was definitely flirting.”

“Ana Flores, Chris’s old teacher,” Eddie answered, hoping the simple response would get them to move on and change the subject.

“The one you yelled at?” Chimney asked with a frown.

“That was a misunderstanding,” he sighed. “One we got past.”

“And she isn’t Chris’s teacher now,” Buck raised an eyebrow with a small smile, and Eddie really wanted to just die in peace now. He could not handle the friend he unfortunately had feelings for try to set him up with someone else.

“Look…” the bell rang, thankfully saving Eddie from this entire situation.

Well, Eddie was saved until late in the evening when everyone else was trying to get as much sleep as they could before the alarm went off again. He just couldn’t sleep though, too keyed up from the day and formulating what he was going to tell Frank in their next session from all this. Bobby was awake too and had apparently heard the earlier conversation and hadn’t let it go.

“Eddie…,” Bobby gave him one of those looks he normally reserved for Buck. This was going to be some kind of good-hearted fatherly advice moment it seemed. Eddie and Bobby didn’t have that type of relationship like Bobby and Buck did though, so he was a little surprised he was getting this heart-to-heart. Yeah, they were friends, but they didn’t have the father-son vibe thing going on at all.

“You know, moving on doesn’t disrespect Shannon’s memory,” Bobby said kindly, but yeah, he didn’t have the whole story. Only Buck (and Frank) knew that Shannon had asked for a divorce before her death, that they weren’t getting back together. That didn’t make losing her any better, maybe worse since he had so many conflicting feelings about it now.

“Loving someone else, starting something new, doesn’t mean we love those from before any less,” Bobby said, clearly from his own personal experience.

“I know, Bobby,” Eddie smiled kindly, knowing Bobby was thinking about his own family and finding a new one with Athena and her kids. This really was coming from a good place, but not the advice Eddie needed right now. “Ana seems like a nice person, but this isn’t about that, really.”

“Maybe she’s not the one for you,” Bobby continued unphased. “But there’s another woman out there for you, and when she comes along, you probably still won’t be 100% ready to move on, but sometimes that’s ok, to still put yourself out there.”

Eddie couldn’t help the little giddy snort of laughter at that. He was way too tired for his conversation. He closed his eyes and ran a hand over his face. He had to do this at some point for his own mental health and sanity. Bobby was probably the least stressful person to start with since he just wasn’t as close with him as anyone else. Yeah, Bobby was a friend, but he wasn’t Hen or Chimney or his Abuela or Tia Pepa, or God-forbid Chris and Buck.

“Bobby…that’s not the current issue,” Eddie shook his head and smiled at his captain kindly. He took a breath in, yes, he wanted to do this. He could do this. “I haven’t told anyone this yet besides my therapist, not even Chris or Buck…”

Bobby frowned in concern now. “Are you ok? You know I’m always here for you, Eddie.”

“Yeah, Bobby, I’m ok,” he laughed again, just jumping in with both feet. “I’m gay.”

“Oh…” Bobby’s frown turned to confusion. “Oh…!” And there was the understanding.

“Wow, ok, thank you for telling me!” Bobby profusely nodded and clapped a hand on Eddie’s shoulder. “I didn’t realize you were working through all that. I’m so proud of you!”

“Yeah, realizing your sexuality is different than you thought your entire life in your thirties…I don’t really recommend,” Eddie just smiled at the man who was using all those fatherly looks in his repertoire to look as supportive as possible. “Better late than never though, right?”

“Of course, Eddie! And I’m here for you…and everyone else will be too, when you’re ready to tell them,” Bobby motioned off towards the bunk room and the rest of the team. “Don’t feel like you need to before you’re ready though.”

“Yeah…I’m working up to them I guess…not that I’m concerned,” Eddie stood to make coffee. The alarm was probably going to go off again soon, so might as well get some caffeine in his system. “It’s just been a lot with losing Shannon and the tsunami and the pandemic and everything.”

“I can only imagine,” Bobby said and settled in the chair. “You know…May’s friend Josh at dispatch seems like a nice guy. I think she said he’s single.”

“No, just no,” Eddie pointed a finger threateningly at Bobby right as the alarm went off again. Bobby burst out laughing all the way down to the trucks, ignoring the rest of the team trying to figure out what he was laughing at.

Eddie told his son…it was anticlimactic. Chris just shrugged and said that he didn’t care as long as Eddie wasn’t kissing anyone around the house since that was gross. They then had to have a conversation about Eddie dating. Chris told him that he understood if his dad wanted to start dating again at some point, but to give him some warning first…since gross. Eddie just laughed and said that wasn’t something for Chris to worry about right now. Eddie was fine not dating currently, especially when he was a little hung up on someone right now, not that he told Chris that part.  

Eddie’s abuela and tia pepa were next. They were…not as easy. Not that they weren’t supportive, they definitely were! For being very religious and of an older generation, they’d still lived in LA for decades and had always been very clear that they were allies whenever something had come up in the news or with one of their friends. The weird part was when Eddie’s abuela looked behind him and asked where Buck was.

“Uh…I’m sorry? What?” Eddie scratched the back of his neck. “Uh, I haven’t actually told Buck yet.”

“What? Aren’t you two together?” Hi abuela frowned and looked at Pepa who just shrugged.

“Eddie, cariño,” Pepa sighed with a chuckle. “We’ve been working under the assumption you and our Buck have been in a relationship for about a year now…”

“Oh,” Eddie let out a breath. Yeah, that kind of made sense when he realized Buck had been invited to all family events, Abuela had been teaching him how to make her super-secret family recipe tamales, and Pepa had been calling Buck more than him when she needed something fixed around the house. He’d just assumed it was because they knew how close he was with Buck, they knew Eddie couldn’t cook for the life of him, and Buck used to work in construction for one of his many random jobs in the past.

“So, if you two aren’t together,” Abuela started with a knowing look. “Why aren't you?”

Eddie blinked a few times, not knowing how to explain that he just hadn’t realized he was gay all this time, and that Buck was going through something that kept him from coming out to the team. “I don’t think he likes me like that,” was the only thing he could come up with to say.

Abuela and Tia Pepa snorted, rolled their eyes, and just changed the subject to whatever was going on in the continuing drama with his cousin Jojo’s new girlfriend they all really didn’t like (clearly making it known that they did like Buck).

Eddie had thought he’d tell his parents when their little team stopped in El Paso on the way back from the fires in Austin. He really did think about it, but they didn’t have much time then, and the rest of his team were there too, and there were a million excuses he could come up with. Honestly, it all boiled down to that he really didn’t think it was going to go well.

He really wasn’t sure why he felt the need to come out to his parents at this point anyway when he knew they weren’t going to take it well. Maybe he should just wait until he needed to tell them. With how much he was pining over his best friend currently and the realization that he was also demisexual, Eddie didn’t think it would be anytime soon that he would really need to tell his parents that he was gay, if ever.

Parental drama seemed to be the current theme though because they returned to LA to find out that Maddie had invited the Buckley parents out for a visit before the baby was born. The parents who had never made a trip out to LA even when both of their children had been in the hospital. The parents who Buck very specifically never mentioned in any of his stories or even alluded to them existing when he could avoid it.

While Eddie already hated the couple on principle, the fact that Buck was freaking the fuck out about it and had already had a couple emergency therapy sessions with Dr. Graham, and they hadn’t even crossed into the state yet, was making him hate the Buckley parents with even more passion. Just what had Buck been through? And did Maddie know? Why did she invite them if she did?

There was a pit of dread in his stomach while he watched Buck face down whatever it was he was dealing with, and he could only keep inviting his friend over to see Chris and making sure he knew that he was loved. Eddie felt useless through all of this. Something on a whole deeper level was going on that he really didn’t know about though, and he was getting the distinct impression that Buck didn’t know about it either.

Buck just sank down in his chair and let out a breath of something…relief, horror, sadness, something. It all made some kind of horrifying sense now that the events of his life just hadn’t before. It was like a secret decoder ring had finally been passed to him so he could actually make sense of his fucked-up childhood. It the piece he’d always been missing, the why of everything.

“I promise I wanted to tell you…I wanted to tell you so many times,” Maddie gasped out tearfully.

Buck was numb. He didn’t even know what to feel. “You could have told me…any time. You had 29 years you could have told me. Instead of lying to me this entire time. Even in just these past two and a half years, you could have told me so many times.”

“Evan…like you’re one to talk here. You lie all the time and have so many secrets. No one in your life knows who you are,” Maddie said, her eyes widening when she seemed to realize she’d gone too far then even when Buck still hadn’t processed. Maybe she had gone too far with that, but he really couldn’t feel anything right now.

“You know who I am,” he said softly, because that was what it came down to. He had let his sister in and told her, and she hadn’t. Even when they’d promised not to keep secrets from each other anymore.

“I’m so sorry. Mom and Dad thought it would be best when you were growing up, then it just never seemed the right time,” she said in frantic explanation. “You have to know how hard it is to just share a secret like that, clearly.”

“I hid a job and a loss that was traumatic to me and didn’t affect anyone else’s life in the slightest,” Buck said, knowing his tone was too flat, too dead. “You and them, you hid an entire person, one who directly impacted my life and even my existence.”

“They were grieving…”

“And you chose them over me,” Buck said, finally figuring out what was bothering him the most about all this. “It was supposed to be you and me against them, but you chose them all this time.”

“That’s not true, Evan,” she gasped out, shaking her head frantically. “I didn’t want you to feel like you’d done something wrong…”

Buck laughed humorlessly and stood. “I have to go,” he said firmly. He had to remove himself from this situation before he said something he’d regret later. Dr. Graham had told him many times that he didn’t have to stay in a situation when he felt like it was emotionally harming him, and this was definitely one of those. “I can’t do this right now.”

“Evan…Buck!”

He closed the door behind him and almost collapsed in the hallway. He didn’t know where to go. He kind of wanted to go to the gym and punch something, maybe even take a page out of Eddie’s book and find a street fight somewhere. As violent as his life had been though, violence had never been where Buck would go to process and release anger. It was people, Buck needed people.

Somehow, he found himself on Eddie’s porch with his hand knocking on the door automatically. He really didn’t even know how he’d gotten there. He should definitely Uber home at this point. That was concerning.

“Buck, hey,” Eddie frowned when he opened the door. “Come in! Didn’t you have dinner with your parents tonight?”

Buck couldn’t help the same humorless laugh he’d given Maddie as he crashed onto Eddie’s lumpy couch that he’d spent so many wonderful days and nights on. The one place he really felt like he was home. “Where’s Chris?” He didn’t want to say anything Chris could overhear because he didn’t think he could edit his nastier comments and language at this point.

“Already asleep,” Eddie motioned to his son’s room. Buck looked at the clock; he hadn’t realized it was so late.

“Shit, Eddie! I’m sorry I barged over here!” He apologized, already standing to leave. This was just rude of him. “I didn’t realize it was so late! I’ll go!”

“Buck! Stop!” Eddie pushed him back down on the couch with a hand to his shoulder before joining him. “You have a key to the house. You didn’t even have to knock. That literally means you are welcome to come here whenever the hell you want. Now…what happened? Something happened, and you came over here to talk about it, didn’t you?”

Buck closed his eyes and leaned back soaking in the feeling of safety in this place, safety he hardly ever felt anywhere. “Oh, nothing, I just learned that my parents and my sister have been lying to me literally my entire life. Oh, and no news here, but yeah, my parents actually didn’t want me, that’s been definitely confirmed.”

“Right, back up, and let’s unpack that,” Eddie sucked in a shocked breath. “What did they lie to you about?”

“I had a brother, his name was Daniel,” Buck turned sad eyes on his best friend, wondering how screwed up he was that he was less surprised at all this and more just relieved it all made sense now. “He died when I was one.”

“You had a brother they didn’t tell you about…why?” Eddie asked turning his body to face Buck more, his knee now pressing up against Buck’s leg, probably the most comforting thing that had happened to him all day.

“Because I was born for spare parts,” Buck said wryly. “It turns out those parts were defective to add insult to injury. Daniel had leukemia. No one in the family was a match for a bone marrow transplant, so they decided to create a match…it’s why I’m so much younger than Maddie or even Daniel would have been.”

“Oh Buck,” Eddie breathed out in the horrified emotion that Buck figured he should actually be feeling at all this instead of the relief he still found himself in.

“I was a match, but the cells just didn’t graft, and he died anyway,” Buck continued. “You know, I’m not even upset about them having me to save their son. I actually get it. I’d do anything to save my kid if I had one too, but it’s the fact that they then treated me like I was those defective spare parts after that. That I wasn’t wanted or needed. That I was an afterthought for everything. I’m angry about just how much about my life finally makes sense now!”

Buck gasped because he was suddenly wrapped in the tightest hug he thought he’d ever had as Eddie just held onto him. Some dam inside him broke at that, and the emotions finally spilled out. He tried to stop the sobs and the tears, but he just couldn’t. His heart was breaking, and he didn’t even know for what…maybe for little Evan who didn’t know why he wasn’t wanted and did everything he could to try to get his parents’ attention and approval when they couldn’t give it.

“I’m so sorry for falling apart on you,” Buck gasped. “I’m really sorry. I know I’m exhausting. I shouldn’t have come!”

“Buck!” Eddie almost yelled. Thankfully Chris could sleep through an earthquake with how deep of a sleeper he was. Eddie just pulled him right back into a hug. “You know I didn’t mean that, right? I was struggling with a hell of a lot of undiagnosed PTSD right then and spiraling. You are never exhausting! I always want you here with me and Chris.”

That was really nice of Eddie to say, but Eddie had been right the first time. Buck could definitely be too much. “Thanks,” Buck sniffed instead.

“What do you need?” Eddie pulled back and asked with a look on his face that promised making it happen whatever it was. “Do you want to give Dr. Graham a call, or do you want me to punch someone because you know me, I definitely can?”

Buck gave a wet chuckle at that. “No…I think I’m just done. I mean…I hadn’t talked to my parents from the time I was 18 until Maddie was in the hospital after Doug. Then, they didn’t even call after the ladder truck, they just sent a check. I don’t think they were even told about the embolism or tsunami, if they did, then they never said anything to me. I think maybe I don’t need them in my life.”

Eddie shook his head. “Damn, Evan, yeah, I think that’s a boundary you should maybe set. If they’ve hurt you so much, protecting yourself should be your priority now.”

“I’ll talk to Dr. Graham about it tomorrow,” Buck sighed, knowing he needed some perspective before just completely cutting his parents out of his life. They would always be there for Maddie and the baby, so they would never be completely gone, but he had found family twice now in his life, and he knew now that his parents were not how a family should treat their kid. Who would ever treat a child like that? He just pictured Chris in his place at the Buckley home growing up, and it made him so angry for that child.  

“Distract me please,” Buck almost begged, wiping the evidence of his meltdown off his face. He needed distance is what he needed.

“Tell me something about Chris or something funny or whatever's going on in your life I don't already know. Something to take my mind off all this, please?” He needed to get out of his own head, or he’d never be able to sleep or even get himself home. He just needed a moment to not be in this.

Eddie thought about it for a minute before a small smile quirked the side of his mouth. “Right, so this happened a few shifts ago, it was ridiculous, and I think it will most definitely constitute as distracting.”

“And I wasn’t there for it?” Buck raised an interested eyebrow, hoping now for a long story and a maybe a few laughs. “Now I definitely need to know.”

“Well, Bobby tried to give me one of his fatherly advice talks,” Eddie huffed and rolled his eyes.

“Ah, so you finally got one of the famous Bobby talks. I wondered when your time would come,” Buck grinned wondering why it was only ever him that got those.

“Yeah, it was the day of the mythical curse, and we were talking about Ana Flores and why I didn’t want to ask her out,” Eddie leaned back and crossed his arms.

“The very real curse,” Buck answered automatically with a smile.

Now this conversation was news to Buck. Clearly Eddie hadn’t asked her out or he would have heard about it. He didn’t know there had been a reason why he hadn’t asked her out though. Eddie had just brushed off any mention and moved forward.

“And his advice was to take more time?” Buck guessed.

“Nope, it was to move on and put myself out there,” Eddie chuckled. He turned a little pink and gave Buck a sheepish look, so this was about to get good. “Get this…the whole thing ended with Bobby offering to get May to set me up with her co-worker, Josh, once I told him I didn’t want to ask Ana out because I’m pretty sure I’m gay.”

Buck blinked. Yep, he was no longer thinking about his parents. What the…? How did…? Why…?

“Right, so yeah, I love you and support you, man,” Buck said quickly when his brain started working again. “Wow, I didn’t know you were working through that. That’s so cool that you were able to get there and all after everything!”

“Thanks,” Eddie gave him that wide smile that just got Buck every time. “It was talking with Frank that finally had me work on everything I’d been repressing and how I only saw myself through what my parents would approve of. I never thought about what I wanted, only what they wanted for me.”

“Wow, yeah…you’re just…awesome!” Buck said because he really didn’t know what else to say. Eddie was just…doing the work and putting in the time, and Buck just loved him so much!

“Look, I know there was a lot of swearing and threats at the beginning, so I need to actually say it now,” Eddie took in a deep breath. “Thank you for making me go to therapy.”

Buck smiled and felt his heart melting once again. “Any time man.”

Eddie just grinned. “I told Bobby no, by the way, about Josh.”

Buck shook his head and chuckled. “Yeah, Josh really is great. Like super cool! Maddie wanted to set me up with him when I told her I was bi too, but he’s not really my type unfortunately.”

Buck paused and waited. Eddie was nodding along, and it definitely took a second for Buck’s words to sink in. Once they did, yeah, it was clear Eddie wasn’t surprised in the slightest.

Eddie kicked Buck’s ankle and smiled. “Ditto, you know. Love, support, all that jazz from me too.”

“And people say you aren’t good with emotions,” Buck laughed, getting another kick, a little harder this time for it.

“Come on, we’re going to bed. It’s late and you are emotionally drained,” Eddie stood, and pulled Buck up with him.

“Yeah, it’s so late,” he sighed tiredly now, finally feeling like he might be able to sleep. “I think I’ll call an Uber to get home instead of drive.”

Eddie looked at him incredulously. “What? No, I’m not letting go back to your empty loft. You are staying here where you belong.”

“Uh…it’s not empty…Albert lives with me now, you know, Chimney’s little brother,” he reminded Eddie. And wasn’t that just inconvenient. He really didn’t want to see Albert right now.

“Dude, that’s worse than it being empty,” Eddie shook his head. “You’re staying with us.”

Buck grimaced though. “But your couch is lumpy.”

Eddie huffed and started to pull him to the back of the house for some reason. “Buck, we literally spent the past several months sharing a bed. My bed might not be quite as big as yours, but I think we can make do.”

“What? Really?” He almost paused, not knowing what he did to deserve this.

“Unless you don’t want to?” Ok, now Eddie looked unsure.

“No! I definitely want to,” Buck said, probably too enthusiastically, because those few months were some of the best sleep of his life.

“Great, then I have some sweats you can borrow,” Eddie continued walking. “Fair warning, you know Chris is going to want you to make pancakes in the morning.”

“Eddie Diaz,” Buck fake gasped. “Is this you trying to get me to make you pancakes and blaming your son?”

Eddie just stopped in his bedroom’s doorway and freaking blushed at that. “Only if you want to.”

Buck had been kidding since he’d make his boys pancakes every day for the rest of their lives if they wanted him to. “Well, I can’t send Chris to school with just cereal in his system, can I?” Buck said instead, pushing past Eddie to go rummage around in his drawers for that soft Army t-shirt he always borrowed. Yep, he’d be in a hell of a lot of trouble if his squad saw him in it, but he didn’t really care.

Eddie and Hen were waiting up in the loft of the fire station for Bobby and Buck to return after getting Buck checked out for smoke inhalation after the perfume factory-turned hand sanitizer factory fire. Buck had been holding it together extraordinarily well in Eddie opinion since what he’d learned about his childhood. After talking about it on the way into work, Buck decided he didn’t want to tell the rest of the team because Maddie would probably want to keep their parents in her life since the baby would need grandparents, and he didn’t want her getting any extra ire from their coworkers for it. Chimney, of course, already knew, but Hen, Bobby, and Athena by extension didn’t need to hear the story. Eddie was pretty certain Athena would track down Buck’s parents to yell at them herself if she was told. Things were a little stiff currently between Buck and Chimney, but they would work it out.

Eddie stopped scrolling through his phone when Chimney joined them upstairs, followed by an older couple he’d never seen before.  “Hey everyone,” Chim gave them a nervous smile, and Eddie was immediately worried. “Is Evan back yet?”

“Not yet,” Hen answered him slowly; she shared a look with Eddie at Chimney using Buck’s real name for some odd reason. “He should be back any minute though.”

“Oh, well, uh, meet Phillip and Margaret Buckley, Evan’s parents,” Chimney waved behind him at the couple who stepped forward with polite smiles. “Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Buckley, meet Henrietta and Eddie.”

“Nice to meet you,” Mrs. Buckley shook Hen’s hand.

“Eddie, is that short for something,” Philip Buckley held out a hand to him, but Eddie just narrowed his eyes at the man.

“Yes?” Eddie said slowly. What the hell? He didn’t owe this man his full name or anything.

“Right…” Philip pulled his hand back with a shrug. “We just wanted to talk with Evan before we left town and knew he was on shift today.”

“I think it’s best you leave,” Eddie crossed his arms. “We’ll tell Buck you were here, and he can set up a time to talk if he wants, but we’re currently in the middle of a shift.”

Chimney frowned and looked at Eddie. His eyes widened, and Eddie could see that Chimney knew that Eddie now knew the story. “It won’t take long, we just need to clear the air,” Margaret tried next.

“I’m sorry, but Buck really doesn’t want to talk to you right now and would like some space,” Eddie said firmly, wondering if they’d ambushed Chimney outside the fire station with how regretful he looked behind them.

“How about I have Maddie give you a call later,” Chimney offered, now trying to usher them back towards the stairs, yeah, this definitely hadn’t been Chimney’s plan.

“And just who are you to keep us from our son?” Philip Buckley ignored Chimney to glower at Eddie. Eddie wasn’t intimidated in the slightest. Who did this guy even think he was?

“I’m Buck’s partner, and I’m asking you nicely to leave now, but I will have you shown out if you refuse to leave of your own accord,” Eddie said, just short of flexing and cracking his knuckles in his anger at the couple. He would most definitely call Athena to make them leave if he had to.

“Ah, so you’re the boyfriend,” Philip crossed his arms and frowned. Eddie almost winced but schooled his expression. He hadn’t meant for it to come off that way. Clearly, he had meant work partner, but Buck’s dad had interpreted that differently. “We told Evan he’d best not bring any boys home, that we’d never accept them. That we would cut him off. So, you must be his dirty little secret.”

Eddie just blinked in surprise. He hadn’t known Buck’s parents were aware he was bi, but that was a whole other level of terrible now, and a whole other level of trauma. Well, thankfully Buck was already cutting them out of his life. Now, Eddie just had to keep from screaming at them if at all possible so that no one else would hear this.

“Ok, I’m sorry Philip, Margaret, but you do really need to go now. It’s not regulation for us to allow visitors while we’re working, and we could get in trouble,” Chimney stepped right in front of them and physically started pushing them towards the stairs. He was lying through his teeth, and Eddie appreciated him for it.

“Hey, will you show them out to their car?” Chimney called to another firefighter on shift who took over taking the seething couple out to the parking lot.

“Did that just happen?” Hen asked, looking just as angry as Eddie. “What the hell?!”

Chimney looked like he might cry. “So, I guess we just…we just pretend we didn’t hear that right? Like we don’t know? God! What all did Buck live through in that house?!”

Eddie nodded with a glower towards the parking lot. “Damn straight. You don’t know anything until Buck tells you himself, you got that?”

“Got it,” Hen nodded firmly before they both looked at Chimney who immediately looked afraid since he really couldn’t keep a secret even if his life depended on it. “Hey, it’s not a secret, we’re just waiting until Buck wants to tell us himself. He deserves to come out when he’d ready.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Chimney nodded frantically. “Not a secret…”

Eddie figured he should put the man out of his misery. “Look, if it helps, I know that Buck’s sister already knows,” he said to Chimney’s immense relief. “I don’t think he’d have a problem with you talking to Maddie about this.”

“Thank God!” Chimney let out a breath. “Because I need a reason to tell my very pregnant girlfriend why I don’t want her parents visiting us again, ever...you know, besides the other thing.”

“Right, so I clearly don’t know whatever you two know that happened with that lot,” Hen pointed out to where Buck’s parents had left. “But can I just say…I think I hate them.”

“Agreed,” Eddie nodded firmly. “And Chimney, to keep you from spilling everything and to give you something else to hyperfixate on…”

“I swear, I got this,” Chimney tried.

“Yeah, well, I’m gay, so have fun with that,” Eddie said with a smirk, before turning on his heel to walk away and meet Buck to fill him in before he got a call from his parents or Maddie.

“Ha! Who won that bet?! I think I might be owed twenty dollars,” Chimney loudly asked Hen in his wake, and Eddie had to pause to groan.

“That bet was from over two years ago when he first started here!” Hen argued. “The statute of limitations has passed on it!”

“There is no statute of limitations on bets! You owe me 20, and an acknowledgement that my gaydar is better than yours,” Chimney shot back. Why did he love these people? Maybe he should have accepted the offer from Station 6.

Chapter Text

Eddie was waiting outside the fire station for them when Bobby and Buck pulled up after getting checked out at the hospital. They hopped out of the car, and Bobby beamed a relieved smile. “All clear,” he told Eddie as if he really had been concerned for Buck.

Buck just looked at his captain and tried to fit in his reaction with everything else he’d noticed about the man over the years. Bobby was always more concerned about him than Buck thought was warranted, and Buck was one of the very few people who got his fatherly advice and undivided attention when something was bothering him, and Bobby hadn’t taught anyone else how to cook or the secret ingredients to his best recipes. He’d done all that for Buck though.

Maybe, just maybe, Bobby felt a little about him like Buck felt about Bobby? Maybe Bobby did see him as a bit of a son-figure? That was… honestly, that was just what he needed after the drama with his own parents. Now, they just needed to work on Bobby’s over-protective instincts because Buck was a grown-ass man who knew his limits even if he did still want a father-figure in his life.

“Wonderful!” Eddie grinned at him brightly. Buck rolled his eyes because the hospital trip had absolutely not been necessary. Again, Bobby being over-protective. “Hey, can I talk to Buck for a second before you go in?”

“Sure! I’m going to start dinner,” Bobby clapped a hand on Buck’s back before leaving them to it.

Buck looked at his best friend, who seemed…stressed now? Did something happen? “Hey, Eds. What’s up?” He asked in concern.

Eddie sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Well, your parents stopped by to chat, or really to corner you and make you talk to them. Like, seriously, I think they actually ambushed Chimney outside of the station by his reaction.”

Buck grimaced deeply. He supposed he couldn’t avoid them forever as much as he would like to. They had seemed very excited for the new baby, so it’s not like they would never be in town again. Pre-baby, he’d been pretty sure he’d never see his parents again in his life, now…he was probably stuck with them once more.

“Right, so I should probably go save Chim and Hen then. Have they been here long?”

Buck took a step towards the station before Eddie stopped him with a hand on his arm. Eddie’s eyes had that fond look in them that said so very clearly that he had Buck’s back. A look that never ceased to make Buck love him even more. Buck really needed to get these feelings under control.

“Chim and I made up an excuse about us not being allowed to have visitors on shift. I think they bought it,” Eddie explained, and Buck could hug him.

Right, he could probably do that. They had literally slept in a bed together the night before. Hugging was probably allowed, right? Buck was so relieved that he wrapped Eddie in his arms and just held on. He had absolutely not wanted to see his parents for a least a few weeks to put some distance and perspective on the lies and frankly abuse of his entire childhood. Eddie had gifted him the space he desperately needed.

“Hey, it’s ok. We got you,” Eddie held him, rubbing his back comfortingly. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“Thanks man,” Buck finally let go, knowing that there was some level of appropriateness to hugs that he hadn’t ever quite found the line on. He had a problem with letting go, physically and metaphorically. “I just…I don’t want to deal with them right now. I will someday, I suppose.”

“I know,” Eddie said, and damn, his look said he actually really did know. Buck never felt seen like he did with Eddie. It made Buck wonder yet again about Eddie’s relationship with his parents and how strained it was. “You might get a call from Maddie or them later though, so I wanted to give you a heads up.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Buck nodded. He’d ignore the call from his parents if they even bothered, and he hoped that Maddie was back on his side in all this now. Their relationship was still a little rocky, but they had survived worse…maybe. Anyway, they’d get through this.

“Cool. So, I bought Chris the new FIFA game for getting all A’s on his report card. You want to come over and help him break it in tonight?” Eddie threw an arm around his shoulder and started walking him into the station. Offering just what Buck needed yet again.

Eddie absolutely hated soccer on the same level that Buck hated basketball. But Ale was a huge fan and had gotten Buck into it, and Buck had gotten Chris into it. Buck and Chris at least always watched Mexico vs. Peru so that they could cheer on opposite teams as much as it annoyed Eddie in that fond exasperated way he got. Anyway, this meant that Eddie had bought a video game that he really wouldn’t enjoy just because Chris and Buck would want to play it.

Damn…between that and Eddie confiding in him that he liked men…Buck really wanted to think there was some hope there for the two of them. Unfortunately, Eddie still didn’t know who Buck actually was. He knew he’d have to finally open up to Eddie before anything could even potentially happen there. Buck didn’t know if he should have any hope at all or only dread at that thought. What would Eddie do when he learned just how much Buck had been keeping from him all these years?

Buck leaned into his friend. “Well, I’ll have to come play it or Chris might decide he hates the game if he plays against you. I bet you don’t even know which player is the goalie.”

“That’s the one with the fancy, pretty shirt, right?” Eddie grinned teasingly.

Buck snorted a laugh. “And you thought you were straight?!”

“Ha, ha,” Eddie deadpanned.

“Too soon?” He grinned back.

Eddie finally laughed. “Nah, I actually just told the team too, so no secrets here anymore!”

“Wow…” Buck trailed off as they walked up to the loft. Eddie let go of all his secrets, just like that. That was…just wow…maybe, maybe Buck should consider opening up just a little. Maddie calling him out had been hurtful, but mainly because there was a slight kernel of truth in it. Maybe he was almost ready. He was a different person now, and much more comfortable in his skin. Letting others in might not be as bad as it had seemed all those years before.

Buck sighed deeply as he crashed onto the couch after their call. There was just so many balloons. So many balloons and so much confetti coating everyone from when the confetti cannon blew up and set off the sprinklers that then led to a short in the electrical equipment and then a small fire. Prom-posal gone wrong was a new one.

Did people do prom-posals when he was in high school? He didn’t even go to prom, so he guessed he wouldn’t know. He had been pretty popular in high school since he’d been on the football team, but things had started going steeply downhill with his parents once they learned he was bi, and by the end of his senior year, he was just counting down his days to leaving home with not much brainpower for anything else. Frankly, he was surprised he graduated.

Bobby started making coffee immediately while Eddie joined him on the couch, and Hen and Chimney sat at the dining table. “So,” Chimney began in his tone that said he was about to start something, hopefully funny, but it could go either way with Buck’s pseudo-brother-in-law. “What is the best way to propose to a person? Clearly it’s not with balloons and confetti cannons.”

“You going to prom, and we haven’t heard about it?” Hen picked up her medical textbook and raised an eyebrow at her partner over the top of it. “I think they have age limits on those things.”

“I’ll have you know, I was prom king,” Chimney struck a confident pose in his chair.

Eddie looked over the back of the couch at him with disbelief on his face. “Really?”

Chimney sank back into his chair and smiled at them all. “Well, I would have been if the election hadn’t been rigged…Bradley Porter,” he said it like it was a curse word.

“Of course it was rigged,” Bobby chuckled and started pulling sandwich makings out of the fridge so they could get some food before the alarm went off again. “You were Mr. April.”

“I know, right?!” Chimney agreed enthusiastically.

Hen looked over at Eddie and Buck speculatively. “Buckaroo, now I bet you actually were prom king. With that face and cute birthmark, I bet everyone was falling over themselves for a baby, teenaged Buck.”

Buck shook his head and sank down further into the couch. “Nope, didn’t even go.”

“What? Why?” Eddie turned his laser focus on Buck now. “Even I went with Shannon.”

Buck sighed and gave him a significant look. “There was a lot of family drama that came to a head my senior year…”

“Ah,” Eddie nodded firmly at that, clearly understanding and not wanting to force him to talk about it. Buck still wasn’t sure what all had went down between his team and his parents, but by Maddie’s seething anger, he had a feeling it was more than he’d been told.

Hen and Chimney shared a look at that which had Buck even more suspicious. Did they suspect? Did they have a bet running on if he was bi? He really wouldn’t put it past them. Honestly, he really didn’t care either. He might want a cut of the winnings though.

Chimney cleared his throat loudly as if trying to pull the focus back in on him. Clearly, whatever his purpose in this conversation hadn’t been fulfilled yet. “My question if you remember was about the best way to propose though…like marriage.”

“Dude,” Buck sat up at that and turned around sharply because this was heading into a very dangerous direction. Chimney had to realize just how bad that idea was! “You know my sister’s history with marriage! Seriously, it’s not a good idea to bring it up if she doesn’t first. If she mentions it, then you know you have my blessing, but she’s not going to say yes if you spring it on her.”

“Buck, chill, I know,” Chimney scoffed and rolled his eyes, but did still give him a fond smile. “I’m just talking future plans, you know, for after she starts dropping hints one of these days. I want a good game plan to be ready. Clipboard Buck should approve of having a plan, right?”

Buck scoffed. Yeah, yeah, they could make fun of Clipboard Buck all they wanted to, but they’d never experienced Hulk in all his SEAL team commander intensity while making sure they were ready for a mission. Clipboard Buck was nothing. Clipboard Buck was a kitten wearing a bowtie sitting on a clipboard in comparison.

“Like, how did you all propose? I mean…all your proposals were successful, right?” Chimney continued to look to everyone in the room besides Buck. “Bobby don’t even answer. Your proposal was weak.”

“Athena liked it,” Bobby chuckled, not offended in the slightest. “For my first marriage, I did the family party thing though. I invited all our family and friends over and proposed at the party, then we ate cake and danced into the night. It worked for us.”

“Don’t do that,” Buck reached over the couch to point at Chim threateningly. “Maddie hates public proposals.”

“I did actually know that too. She made that exceptionally clear a long time ago,” Chimney scoffed. “What about you Hen? Wasn’t it over Denny at the hospital as a baby or something?”

“I was holding Denny in my arms, and he was so tiny,” Hen said nostalgically, her face lighting up. “Karen was there, we looked at each other, and we just knew…”

Chimney looked contemplative. “Well, there will be a baby soon, so maybe. It just depends on the when of it all, so not a very versatile plan.”

“What? You don’t think you can pick up your fifteen-year-old and say they’re so cute and you should get married fifteen years from now?” Hen smirked at him, getting a laugh from everyone at Chimney’s look.

Buck took in a steadying breath. There was never going to be a good time to remove a level from his tower of lies. He’d been talking with Dr. Graham though, and they’d worked out a plan to open up in as healthy of a way as possible. Buck’s go-to was to just info dump everything he was concerned about on a person and run away to let them sort through it without him. Dr. Graham said that wasn’t very healthy and would probably only cause Buck a panic attack and his team a lot of confusion. So, their plan was to start with just one major fact and expand from there. There was never going to be a perfect opening, but this one might be a good one.

“Eddie, dude, save me, please,” Chimney leaned back in his chair to turn pleading eyes on Buck’s partner. “Tell me you had a romantic proposal for Shannon.”

Eddie looked embarrassed. Buck didn’t like that. People shouldn’t make Eddie embarrassed or uncomfortable. “Uh…sorry, man, you’re out of luck with me. We just told our families that we were expecting Chris, and they asked when the wedding was. That was literally it.”

That kind of put a damper on the conversation since everyone gave a collective wince of sympathy for that whole situation. Buck took in a deep breath again. He could do this. He could step in. There was a pause in the conversation. It was now or never…

“I was going to do it at sunrise, once the colors were at their brightest over the horizon,” Buck said, his voice sounding much rougher than it did normally. “Uh…we had this hike we liked to do, and Ale liked to camp and watch the sunrise together, and I was going to ask then when we were all alone and it was quiet. Already had the ring and everything…”

As soon as they got back from their last mission, they were going to take that camping trip just outside of San Diego where they’d been stationed at the time. Buck didn’t have the ring anymore. He’d sent it to Ale’s family along with his ashes. He couldn’t see the reminder and not breakdown almost daily.

Eddie suddenly had a hand on Buck’s leg. Well, it seemed Eddie had seen the dog tags and understood the significance. Buck was so very thankful for that, that he didn’t have to explain it to Eddie at least. Eddie’s eyes were asking if he was sure he wanted to do this; if he needed support.

“Seriously? Ali?” Hen scoffed dismissively. Ok, that kind of hurt a bit, but Buck could see where she was coming from. None of them had seemed to like Ali that much. “You two were dating for like a second, and you were thinking about how you would propose to her?”

Bobby looked very incredulous. “Ali didn’t exactly strike me as the camping type. That plan might not have worked in your favor even if you’d stayed together.”

“Not Ali,” Buck sniffed because yeah, the emotions were right there. It had taken him this long to talk about it for a reason. He was still so broken up all these years later. “Ale…Alejandro Gonzales. We were together for a long time before I started here at the 118.”

Eddie’s hand squeezed his knee in support. Frankly, that was what was holding Buck together right now. He gave Eddie a grateful smile. “I loved him so much…” he couldn’t keep the sob in at the end.

“Buck…” Hen breathed out in realization and surprise. If Buck had to guess, she seemed more surprised that he’d been in a stable relationship back then than that he was bi. “You never said…”

“It was a lot to throw at you all right when we first met. Also, I was kind of not dealing with it at the time, and didn’t want to talk about it or even think about it,” Buck shrugged and gave them a small smile.

“He broke up with you?” Bobby asked, his face said that he might be ready to throw down with this guy over breaking Buck’s heart. Ok, so yeah, maybe he needed to have a talk with Bobby. They had things that needed to be said. Buck gave his captain a small smile at his willingness to stick up for him.

Buck couldn’t say it though. He opened his mouth and had to close it. He cleared his throat. He took in a deep breath and just put his hand over his mouth. If he opened his mouth, it was going to be another sob that emerged.

“Oh, Buck…” Hen breathed out, seeming to understand something terrible had happened.

Eddie squeezed his knee and Buck looked up. They had one of their nonverbal conversations where Eddie asked if Buck wanted him to step in, and Buck told him he’d better or they weren’t making it through this. Eddie just nodded and gave him that ‘I have your back’ look he did so well.

“He died,” Eddie looked over and said for Buck. Buck was so very thankful Eddie had put the pieces together.

Buck nodded, pulling as much air as he could into his lungs. “Just a couple months before I started at the fire academy. I wasn’t doing very well being alone…”

“You were grieving,” Bobby breathed out as if everything made sense now. And yeah, Buck supposed that a lot of his acting out and impulsiveness did have to do with his grief as much if not more than him trying to reinvent himself. Actually, the reinvention was probably directly in response to his grief too.

“All these years, and you’ve been dealing with that alone,” Bobby looked completely stunned, like he was re-evaluating every interaction he’d had with him over the years.

Buck didn’t think that was quite fair. Yeah, it was a lot he was keeping a secret, but this was actually and maybe shockingly the smaller secret. Dr. Graham had said not to dump the other one on them right now, to put some space between them though, so he held in the other, maybe more major, revelation.

 Chim looked like he was completely out of his depth, like he didn’t even know who Buck was anymore, and Hen looked like she was about to cry. “How did he…?” She started before stopping herself. “No, you don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to, Buck. But we’re here for you. We weren’t before because we didn’t know, but we’re here for you now.”

Buck nodded firmly, but did want to tell them a little more at least. “I know Hen…He was active-duty military,” he said breathing through the stress of those words. “There was a mission gone wrong, and his team were ambushed.”

“God, Buck,” Chimney finally got out. “I’m so sorry…Does Maddie know any of this?”

Buck laughed, because of course, Chimney would now be worried about keeping a secret from Maddie. “Yeah, Chim. She knows…she’s actually the only one who knows besides you all though. Even my parents don’t know about Ale.”

There was a collective seething look at Buck’s parents. He had a suspicion his parents might have said some things when they’d stopped by the station that everyone had neglected to mention to him. That was…concerning. What exactly had they said? There was a whole lot of toxic there, so it really could have been anything. They hadn’t called him after, and Maddie had only apologized for inviting them and assured him they didn’t have any upcoming trips scheduled to come back. So, he was curious, but also didn’t want to ask and reopen that wound.

“That sounds like a beautiful proposal,” Hen finally said with a sad smile. “I guess it was pretty certain he’d say yes?”

“He’d better!” Buck laughed a little wetly. “I think his abuela would hit him with her chanclas if he didn’t.”

Buck grinned at Eddie teasingly. “Abuelas love me.”

“Don’t I know it!” Eddie laughed loudly into the solemn room. “I think mine would trade me for you in a heartbeat. She thinks you even speak Spanish better than me!”

“What, that’s a lie,” Buck chuckled because he knew he had a pretty thick accent even if he was basically fluent at this point. His Arabic was definitely worse, but he could tell someone to move their vehicle or order a kebob, which was the main thing he’d needed it for so far thankfully.

Bobby cleared his throat with a small sad smile at all the revelations. “So, where did you meet?” Buck really appreciated his attempt to pull it back to lighter times.

Buck opened his mouth to tell the Peru lie, and the alarm went off. Everyone groaned since they hadn’t had their sandwiches but jumped up to head to the engine. Saved by the bell. He’d have to tell them something eventually, but at least he was saved from lying to them right then. One day soon…he promised himself. He could make himself do this soon.

Jee-Yun was the most adorable baby on the planet…besides Chris, there was no cuter baby than his own son, but Eddie also knew he was biased. Eddie watched Buck hold his new, baby niece, and his heart melted. He also felt a little guilty for not telling his best friend that he’d basically, legally, made him Christopher’s other parent. Well, as much as he could without an adoption and Buck knowing about it anyway.

It’s not like it would really change anything in their lives anyway. Buck was Chris’s other parent in all the ways that mattered. Buck was on all the lists at Christopher’s school to pick him up or handle any problems. When Buck babysat, Eddie knew that Chris would be fed, his homework would be done, he’d be in bed on time, and anything that came up would be dealt with. Even when Eddie was there, he’d look to Buck occasionally to help with bedtime or a homework issue, or even interpersonal problems Chris was having with his friends. Yeah, Buck always deferred to Eddie on basically everything, so maybe that would change, but they had been co-parenting well before Eddie had changed his will after the well disaster.

Seeing Buck like this though, well, it made Eddie think that maybe it was a mistake to keep this from his best friend. Buck had so much love to give. Learning what Buck had been through before the 118 only solidified that more. He’d lost someone he loved so much, maybe the love of his life, and he’d fallen apart. All alone, he’d pieced himself back together, never once losing his kindness and his love for everyone around him, even after his heart being broken and crushed.

Eddie knew about Abby and Ali, but he had a feeling there were stories he hadn’t been told about Buck’s 1.0 days that were probably very concerning that the team didn’t feel comfortable sharing if Buck hadn’t. For instance, there had been a joke about stealing the firetruck shot Buck’s way that no one had explained to him. There had also been a mention of Buck quickly dropping a department therapist who had almost immediately been fired that no one understood how they were connected but the timing was suspicious.

It had been a small scandal at the time with a well-known therapist immediately having all their clients rescheduled, and Buck didn’t talk about it. No one seemed to think that Buck had anything to do with the firing, but Eddie thought the two stories were so close together that there had to be a connection. Plus, Buck was in therapy and had been for years with someone he’d mentioned was definitely not a department therapist like Frank was who Eddie was still seeing and probably would be for a long time yet with how much he was working through. Eddie thought there was something they were all missing.

Buck had been through so much, and Eddie could tell that he still only saw himself on the outside of all the 118 relationships. Buck was Maddie’s brother, but she was now in her own family with Chimney and Jee-Yun. Buck clearly saw Bobby as a father-figure, but he also clearly kept himself separate from Bobby’s relationship with Athena, May, and Harry, not seeing himself as part of the family as a whole. Buck loved Hen, Karen, Denny, and their foster kids, but he never tried to insert himself into their family unit at all. As far as Eddie knew, Buck hadn’t ever babysat for them either.

Eddie and Christopher were clearly the closest things Buck had to a family he actually saw himself as a part of, and Eddie hadn’t even told him just how official it was. He’d even said plainly that he had no more secrets, knowing that he was still holding this one back. That wasn’t right. Eddie knew he needed to tell Buck. He needed to know he was wanted and that he was a part of their family. The only thing holding him back thought, was that it was basically a love confession. He’d given Buck Christopher, his son…there was nothing else he could do to say that he loved someone more. Even the words ‘I love you’ didn’t have as much weight as ‘Chris is yours’ did. Telling Buck what he had done, was telling him just how he felt about him.

Was Eddie ready for that? He didn’t think he would lose Buck even if he didn’t share Eddie’s feelings. Buck loved them both too much for that. But things would never be the same again. Everything would be charged differently. It would be out there in the world, and he couldn’t take it back.

Eddie watched as Buck kissed Jee-Yun’s little head, and he knew. He loved Buck too much to not tell him. He just had to wait for the right moment. Buck needed to know, and even if it strained their relationship, it would only make Buck’s relationship with Christopher stronger. Buck deserved to know, even if it came back to hurt Eddie. Now he just needed to figure out how to do it.

“The secret to a good macaroni and cheese is to not overcook or under-cook the noodles, and to start with a good roux to mix in,” Bobby explained in his kitchen while brandishing a wooden spoon.

Buck smiled at the man and just settled in. He’d told Bobby that he wanted to make Chris his famous mac and cheese, so here he was after a 12 hour shift, sitting in the man’s kitchen while he walked him through each step. Over the past few shifts, they had all gotten caught up in this crazy writer’s scavenger hunt for millions of dollars that may or may not have ever existed over the past week, and tensions were a little high until everything had been resolved with the writer's heart attack and death and (maybe) his ex-personal assistant absconding with the money.

Buck’s sort-of ex…maybe…whatever, Taylor Kelly jumped in with them all too in seeking the treasure, and she seemed to want to start something with Buck again. This time, things were different though. This time, Buck was…actually, maybe it was time for another upgrade.

Buck was Buck 4.0 now. He was someone who was trying to be honest with himself and those around him. Finally, he wanted to open up and let people in, and Taylor did not want to be let in. She promised a fun time, definitely, but would she sit on the floor with Christopher to play legos or change one of Jee-Yun’s diapers, absolutely not. And that was the deciding factor for Buck right now. He didn’t need fun; he’d done that for a long time. He needed some stability and commitment again. He was ready again after all these years, and that was not Taylor.

Buck wanted that to be Eddie, and he was starting to feel a little hope creep in. It all hinged on that last really big secret though. While he didn’t think Eddie would have a problem with him being military, that would actually be pretty hypocritical, but it was all the lies for all the years. He was pretty sure his feelings wouldn’t end their friendship even if Eddie didn’t feel the same way, but the lies might.

Anyway, that was all another day though in the future. Now, after they all cooled off after the treasure hunt, Buck wanted to spend some time with his favorite Diaz boys, and Bobby’s famous macaroni and cheese would be the perfect dish for their awesome night of food, movies, and video games. Boys’ night was going to be his kind of epic. Plus, this gave him some time to finally have a little alone time with the captain, and he really did enjoy having some alone time with Bobby.

“So, there’s always a secret ingredient,” Buck smiled and leaned both his elbows against the kitchen island. “What’s this one. I never could figure it out…paprika maybe?”

Bobby laughed. “Actually yes, there is a little paprika, but that’s not the secret ingredient.” He pulled a red bottle out of the cabinet. “Frank’s hot sauce. It gives it just a little spice.”

Buck laughed loudly. “Oh no! Don’t tell Abuela. She swears by Cholula and won’t hear of any others.”

“Really, not even Tapatío?” Bobby smiled when he asked.

Buck scoffed, because, really? “That’s American. Like literally made here in California. ‘Es insultante’ in her words.”

“Well, no telling…uh…what’s Abuela’s real name?” Bobby frowned, seeming to realize he’d never heard Eddie’s grandmother’s name before.

“Isabella Diaz,” Buck offered. “I won’t tell her about the hot sauce, and I will definitely add it.”

Bobby dumped the pasta into the boiling water and looked over at Buck a couple times before he opened his mouth. Something heavy was coming his way. Buck braced himself. “So, uh…Alejandro…was he from Peru?”

Buck let out a breath. Ok, so nothing dire, just back to his sad history. “His family was. He was born in Arkansas oddly enough and grew up there until his parents moved back to Peru to be with the rest of the family. He stayed behind for a couple years of college and then joined the military when he decided that art school actually wasn’t for him,” Buck laughed because that had gotten him so much teasing from the squad. It was a wonder why Ale's nickname was just Ale with the team and not like Michelangelo or Raphael or one of the other Ninja Turtles for the art school years.

“He was a fairly decent painter though. I liked his work, but he always said I was biased.”

Bobby smiled at him but looked a little hesitant or sad or something. “Buck…I’m sorry I didn’t see how much you were hurting when you started at the station.”

“Hey,” Buck cut him off, because that was not his fault in the slightest. “You didn’t even know me. How were you to know? I was a troublesome idiot, and you had no reason to look past that.”

Bobby shook his head and crossed his arms. “You were a loveable idiot. You even got Athena on your side eventually, and that’s really difficult to do.”

“Yeah, yeah, only because she started dating you, and I’m a part of your team,” Buck reasoned.

Bobby was already shaking his head. “Buck, Athena likes you for you…and kid, you’re more than a part of my team. Athena calls you her adult stepson. Buck, if my kids had lived…”

“Hey,” Buck jumped up and wrapped his arms around Bobby. Wow, he didn’t think they’d ever actually hugged before when someone hadn’t just been in significant danger. “You would have been a great dad. You were a great dad.”

“Buck,” Bobby pulled back some to look at him intensely. “You are the closest thing to a son I have. You are a part of this family, and I think everyone sees that except for you, so I want to be very clear…you are always welcome in this house and around our dinner table whenever and for whatever.”

Buck felt staggered. This was…this was more than he’d ever even imagined. He’d suspected that Bobby had some familial feelings towards him, but not like this. This was…he didn’t even know what to do with this. How did he accept this?

“Hey, you don’t have to say anything,” Bobby pulled him back from his panic. “I just wanted you to know. I never want you hurting alone ever again. I want you to know that there are people here for you. I know that the ladder truck and blood clots were not my best moment…”

“I think I understand that more now though,” Buck said, because yeah, it all fell into place now. Bobby had lost his kids. Buck had coughed up blood on his back patio. Bobby was working from a place of love and panic and not sound reasoning. That was something Buck had done many times himself. “I get it.”

“I’m still sorry,” Bobby said vehemently.

Damn, Bobby still didn’t know. Buck couldn’t accept all this; he couldn’t be a part of Bobby’s family without Bobby and Athena knowing. There was a strong possibility they wouldn’t want a killer with PTSD around May and Harry for any length of time.

Buck sighed and ran a hand over his face, backing up until his back hit the kitchen island. Bobby stirred the pasta and turned down the heat some before looking at him questioningly. “Something important seems to be going through your head. Want to share?”

“Bobby…one of the nicest things you have ever done for me, is something you don’t even know about and maybe didn’t even do intentionally,” Buck closed his eyes. “Bobby…you never read my resume when I started at the 118.”

Bobby frowned. “Of course I did.”

Buck could see him think about it though. His frown deepened. “I was assigned to your team because you’d just lost someone,” Buck continued.

“Tommy transferred to Harbor Station,” Bobby nodded, remembering.

“You didn’t choose me. You looked at my Fire Academy records, but you didn’t look over my resume,” Buck prodded him to get him to remember.

“Ok…I don’t see how that matters, especially not at this point,” Bobby turned off the stove now and drained the pasta. “I mean, you were interviewed to join the Fire Academy, so I don’t see how anything concerning would be on it regardless. Plus, at this point it wouldn’t matter anyway. And, at the very least, you know my history, and I’m still employed here.”

“I’m not saying it’s concerning,” Buck sighed. It’s not like he had a prison sentence on there or anything. “I’m saying that it would have changed how you looked at me. I liked that you hadn’t read it, but it was pretty obvious that you didn’t know just in our first interactions.”

“Didn’t know what?” Bobby asked, pouring the pasta into a baking dish before starting on the other elements.

“Just…read my resume. Ok?” Buck sighed, chickening out. He really did rather people process things when he wasn’t there in front of him. It was so much better not to see the initial expression on their face.

Bobby looked at him for a moment before he slowly shook his head. “No, I don’t think I will,” he said firmly as if it were completely decided and they didn't need to discuss it further.

“Uh, why not?”

“Because whatever it is, you didn’t want me to know,” Bobby cocked his head to one side contemplatively. “When you are ready for me to know, I’ll be here. We’ll look at it together. Until then, you are Buck, my son, and I trust you.”

Buck had to sit down. It felt like the floor had been pulled out from under him. No parent had ever trusted him before. No anyone had ever just given him that much acceptance. Bobby just accepted it. Whatever it might be because it was still Buck. For the second time in one conversation, Buck really just didn’t know what to do with that.

“Right, so macaroni and cheese,” Buck motioned to the pan with a catch in his voice. They had to move on. He couldn’t process this right now.

“Yes, macaroni and cheese,” Bobby smiled kindly and went to pull the cheese out of the refrigerator.

Chapter Text

It had been a shift of odd calls, but weren’t most of them really. There was the bridezilla in the morning who caused a fire, which Buck didn’t really see that whole marriage working out well. Then the call they’d just left from where a mom was stuck halfway through her balcony. The blatant violations of building codes had Buck wishing for his fire marshal clipboard suddenly. Bobby was definitely going to put the landlords on blast as soon as they got back to the station. Plus, the balcony lady had a sick kid, so all their hearts went out to that whole situation.

Buck was thankfully coming up on three days off, which he planned to relax and enjoy greatly. He had big plans. Most importantly was babysitting Jee-Yun so his sister and Chimney could go out and have some fun. Maddie had been a little off recently. He was concerned she might be developing some postpartum depression. He’d read up everything he could find on pregnancy and things to watch for and everything when he’d first learned his sister was going to have a baby. It had been a very extensive research hole, that was frankly terrifying. It seemed that postpartum depression was much more prevalent than anyone wanted to admit.

Buck was never more relieved that Maddie had kept up her sessions with Frank for all these years though. If she was developing postpartum symptoms, Frank would catch it and be able to help. Maddie had almost stopped her sessions a while back ago, but that was when Buck had been called up for the deployment to help his squad’s interpreter. Maddie had immediately scheduled more sessions so that she could have someone to work through her newfound fear for her brother with since no one else knew about his job.

After babysitting Jee-Yun, Buck was going to help Christopher with his science project they’d been working on together. Then he was going to help Tia Pepa replace the sink in her bathroom since it was dripping water. Then Abuela was going to show him how to make her award-winning tres leches cake so that Buck could make it for Eddie’s next birthday. Then maybe he could just spend some time with the Diaz boys and watch a movie or play video games or break out Chris’s accessible skateboard again. So, anyway, he had big plans for his three days off.

Buck jumped out of the engine and started securing the equipment. He pulled out his phone to check to see if he’d missed anything from Maddie or Chris before heading up to the loft with everyone else. He was surprised that he’d missed a call from his CO. Buck groaned, this did not bode well for his three days off at all.

“Hey, I need to return a call. I’ll be up in a minute,” he told Hen, who was closest to him, before heading into the locker room and maybe some privacy.

“You want coffee?” Bobby called after him.

“Definitely!” Buck smiled at his new dad before hitting the call button and holding his cell up to his ear, bracing himself for whatever was about to come.

“Captain Streb,” the man answered in his growl of a voice.

“Hey, it’s Buck,” he said, waiting for whatever this was.

Streb sighed. “I know you are not on base, but Chief Petty Officer Buckley is still the expected form of address.”

Buck rolled his eyes and sat on the bench after making sure he was alone. “Hello, Captain Streb, Chief Petty Officer Buckley here, returning your call,” Buck said as overly formal as he could make his tone.

“Whatever,” Streb growled, giving up on him it seemed (just the way Buck wanted it). “I need you for a mission. Can you get a few days off?”

Ok, now Buck was very concerned. It didn’t sound like it was a request this time like it should be. “Captain, I’m not listed for active duty,” he reminded the man just in case he’d forgotten for some reason.

“I know, Buckley, but we have a mission with a small window that’s scheduled for go-time in only hours and a demolitions expert with COVID. This mission is so time critical that he’s willing to push through, but no one wants the person setting a bomb to also be coughing up a lung at the same time,” Streb explained sternly.

Yeah, that really didn’t sound like a good idea. “There are other demolitions experts you can call up,” he said because this wasn’t what he was supposed to do anymore. This wasn’t even his squad. Maddie would kill him, and Chris’s science project…

Streb sighed tiredly, and Buck was suddenly struck with how difficult his CO’s job might be with COVID in the mix right now. “Not ones who aren’t already assigned, who are healthy, and frankly, who can speak fluent Spanish, which will be very useful for this particular mission.”

Well, at least this mission might not be to a desert. That was a small pro if nothing else. Buck wasn’t quite ready to give up though because he was more than a little concerned that being more active in his Navy job would lead the brass to realize he was doing well enough to change to active duty again.

“This isn’t my squad, Captain. They don’t know me, and I don’t know them. This is not an ideal situation,” he tried as a last resort.

“Buckley, no one thinks this is ideal,” his captain stated. “And if anyone asks, I did not say this over the phone…”

Buck couldn’t help looking around and checking that he was still all alone in the locker room. This sounded serious. “Heard,” he responded.

“It’s human trafficking,” Streb said simply.

Buck took a deep breath in. Because, yeah…he was in. “My shift ends in an hour. I have to swing by the loft to pick up my gear, so it’ll be four hours to base. Is that acceptable?”

Streb grunted, already seeming to know that Buck was going to agree after that. “Go to Pendleton instead. I’ll arrange for you to catch a transport from there. Can you make it in two and half hours?”

It would be cutting it close, but if Buck carefully ignored some speed limits, it would be possible. Maybe Bobby would let him go just a little early too. “I’ll be there. I’m up for three days off after this shift. Do I need to get a cover for more?”

“No,” Streb said simply. “We have a small window on this one. Either you’ll be back by then or…”

Yeah, that was the option for most of his missions. So, three days and they would either be successful or possibly dead or captured. Great, what fun.

Buck hung up and sighed. He’d had such big plans. He headed up to the loft as if to his execution. Letting down his family was the thing he hated most in life. He didn’t know what to do to make this up to them. He wasn’t going to sit it out when human trafficking was on the line though.

Eddie met him at the top of the stairs with a mug of coffee made just the way he liked it. Damn, he felt so guilty! “Thanks,” he winced with a small smile.

“I don’t like that look,” Eddie frowned in concern.

“Yeah, something came up, and I’m going out of town for our three days off now,” Buck told Eddie and the rest of his team who were all sitting on the couches and at the dining table. “Uh, so Chim…I’m so sorry, but I don’t think I can keep Jee now. I promise you I’ll make it up to you.”

Chimney frowned with more of a look of concern on his face than irritation. “Are these your camping friends you disappeared with before?”

Eddie seemed to straighten up beside Buck at that question. Odd… but Eddie probably associated Buck’s camping excuse with that period where he’d felt abandoned, and they’d had their falling out. Now Buck felt even worse.

“Sort-of?” Buck shrugged, because yeah…it wasn’t his squad, but there would probably be some type of camping involved and it was still the military, so yeah, sort-of.

“Ok, call your sister,” Chimney narrowed his eyes at Buck. “She was a mess last time. Please say you’ll be within cell service this time? She needs updates.”

He winced again. “Probably not…but I’ll call her. It’s a short trip this time, definitely though. I’ll be back in time for our next shift.”

Chimney still looked suspicious and concerned. “Fine…Hen…you and Karen up for some babysitting? I have us a great reservation at De La Nonna.”

“Sorry, new foster kid we’re still getting settled in. Adding a baby probably isn’t a great idea right now,” Hen didn’t even look up from her medical text to answer. Chimney sighed, clearly seeing his reservation going to waste.

“I’ll keep her,” Eddie offered, sitting at the dining room table and kicking out a chair for Buck. Buck sat and joined everyone else in looking at Eddie incredulously.

“What?” Eddie just returned their looks. “I know I wasn’t around a whole lot when Chris was a baby, but I wasn’t gone the whole time, and I’m not incompetent. I can watch a baby. Plus, Chris hasn’t really been around a lot of babies, it’ll be a learning experience for him to help.”

“You’re…going to watch my baby niece?” Buck asked slowly, still not sure what to make of that. Eddie was very competent, but he’s also made it pretty clear over the years that he liked his kid…not kids in general.

Eddie just shrugged, and his cheeks turned slightly pink surprisingly. “Yeah…Jee is cute. I’ll watch her. Chim and Maddie deserve a night out, and I’m free, so no problem.”

“I’m not questioning it. You’re in,” Chim said, already texting Buck’s sister. Right…so, Maddie was about to blow up his phone any minute now when she learned about his ‘camping trip.’

“Eds,” Buck leaned back and looked at his best friend sadly. “I’m so sorry about Chris’s science project. I told him I’d be there to help.”

“No, no,” Eddie shook his head firmly. “You go hang out with your friends. You deserve time away. I can help out my own son with his homework.”

Bobby coughed a laugh. “I’ll keep my cell phone close.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “And we might not even have to call Bobby to help.”

“Please call Bobby,” Buck pleaded because Chris’s class was on chemistry right now, and that was decidedly not Eddie’s best subject. Math and literature, Eddie was your man, but not chemistry at all. They might not know just how much chemistry Buck had to learn for his other job, but even Bobby could help with middle school science when Eddie floundered.

“It’s nice to know just how little faith you all have in me,” Eddie laughed and rolled his eyes at the lot of them.

“When Chris starts biology next year, you are tagged in, but right now, stay in your lane,” Buck bumped his shoulder against Eddie’s teasingly.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll make your excuses to Tia Pepa and Abuela too,” Eddie grumbled with a dismissive wave of his hand.

Buck frowned in confusion. “You knew about that?”

“That my family hangs out with you more than me?” Eddie raised an eyebrow. “Yes, they tell me often and mercilessly. Pepa has also banned me from anything having to do with plumbing, so you’re not getting out of that on your next day off. I’ve been roped into painting her fence, but after the kitchen sink disaster of 2019, she won’t let me touch anything having to do with water ever again.”

Buck leaned into him and really just wanted to kiss Eddie so much. He breathed in and smiled instead. “Thanks. I’ll even help paint the fence.”

“You better, it’s a big fence,” Eddie just grinned back at him.

“If you promise me to be safe and not try anything dangerous on this camping trip without back-up,” Bobby said with a pointed look at Buck. “I’ll let you go early to start getting ready for your trip.”

Buck pursed his lips. He supposed he could make that promise. Maybe not the safe bit, but he was being deployed with a team, so he’d have back-up. “I’ll do by absolute best, Bobby,” he said with a firm nod, meaning to keep that promise.

“I suppose that’s all I can ask for,” Bobby sighed fondly. “Alright, get out of here. Have fun, kid.”

“Don’t try to hug any bears,” Hen called out.

“But they’re so fluffy!” Buck joked with a grin as he bounded towards the stairs and off to probably get shot at by human traffickers somewhere in an undisclosed Spanish speaking country.

Buck more fell out of his Jeep than actually stepped out when he pulled up to the fire station for his shift. He leaned up against the side and pulled his cell phone out of his jeans pocket. He hit the call button and waited for it to connect.

“Buck!”

“Hey, Mads. I’m back stateside,” he said in as upbeat a tone as he could pull off on the very little sleep and still adrenaline-fueled nerves he was riding on.

“Oh, thank God! Are you ok? You’re cutting it a little close for your shift,” she sighed out in clear relief.

Buck looked at his watch and nodded even though she couldn’t see him. He’d driven straight there from Pendleton and just made it in time. He hadn’t even had time to go back to his loft, so he was grateful he’d thought to bring his work bag and a change of clothes.

“I’m perfectly fine,” he told his sister seriously. And he was. He didn’t have any injuries beyond a few scrapes and bruises. It was more an issue with his PTSD flaring up right now. He’d gotten shot at…a lot. The team he’d worked with was very competent, but he just didn’t know them, so he’d been on high alert the entire time. Plus, the horrors they’d seen that you just couldn’t prepare yourself for. The mission was successful, but Buck was really wondering if he should maybe have used a sick day instead of trying to make this shift.

Maddie grumbled as if she didn’t really believe him, but he needed to get inside. “Mads, seriously, I’m tired, but no new holes in my body or concussions or anything that required me to see a medic.”

She snorted. “I’ll believe you for now…but Frank will be hearing about this,” she said, clearly planning to make an appointment with her therapist just to complain about her brother and the secrecy involved in his job and everything. Buck supported it, as long as she talked about how she was feeling as a new mom and all too. Between Maddie and Eddie and whatever they said about him, Buck really hoped he never met Frank at this point.

“I’d expect nothing less,” Buck chuckled, and they hung up. He met Chimney on the way in who just nodded at him before they walked together.

“So, Eddie’s not the worst babysitter,” Chimney informed him with a laugh. “Jee-Yun was fed, dry, and all in one piece when we picked her up.”

“Ha, ha…I am literally a father and a medic. I can take care of a baby,” Eddie glared from where he was already in uniform and seemed to be waiting on them.

“You’re early,” Buck frowned. Something was up based on the concern on his friend’s face.

“You remember that call on our last shift, the mother in the balcony?” Eddie asked them both.

“Yeah…”

And that was how Buck and Chimney heard all about how Eddie and Carla had embraced their inner Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys or something over the break and found what they suspected to be a Munchausen by Proxy situation. “Wait…so she’s making her own kid sick?” Buck’s tired brain was trying to process all of this and coming up short.

“From what Carla and I found, I really think so,” Eddie said, and paused to answer his ringing cell phone.

“What the hell?” Chimney just dropped his bag on the floor of the station and shared a shocked look with Buck.

“We have to go, now!” Eddie hung up. “Charlie poisoned his mother by accident. He put the eye drops she has been using on him in her food. He didn’t realize it was toxic.”

Buck dropped his bag and sprang into action. He was still in mission mindset, ready for action. If they took a station car, they could speed without the danger of getting pulled over. “We’ll take Cap’s truck. Chim, you stay behind and explain the situation to Bobby and Hen.”

“Yeah, be safe. I’ll call dispatch and have them send help,” Chimney offered while Buck and Eddie both ran out to grab Bobby’s truck and head over there.

They were too out in the open. Buck’s pulse was still racing even after situation was stabilized. The mom and son were in separate ambulances off to separate hospitals where the mother would definitely be arrested. He and Eddie were standing in the middle of the street though, and that was not acceptable. Buck had been shot at way too many times in the last few days, and he couldn’t help looking all around them for snipers, hostiles, and any threats. They needed to get out of the street.

“Hey…you know…maybe it’s time you invite them around,” Eddie said in a tone like he was nervous for some reason. “You don’t have to keep that part of your life separate anymore.”

“What?” Buck had absolutely no clue what his friend was talking about. No, that wasn’t a hostile, it was just a paramedic running by them. Keep it together Buck! You’re in Los Angeles!

“Ale’s team,” Eddie said, not clarifying anything at all. Buck frowned at him. What?

“They are who you go off to meet sometimes, right?” Eddie continued. “Maybe you could invite them over for a cookout next time they’re in town instead of going off with them. I’ll grill, and I’m sure Bobby would love to make something. We could thank them for looking out for you all these years, you know.”

Buck couldn’t figure out how Eddie had come to this conclusion. Though…maybe it made sense? Somehow Eddie had put together the couple missions Buck had been sent on with (he supposed) going camping with his late boyfriend’s SEAL team. And he wanted to invite them over…that was…that was actually really nice except…

“Eddie,” he couldn’t lie to Eddie, not anymore. “They’re dead…Ale’s team…”

He was about to say ‘my team’ next, but something caught his eye. Peripherally, he was processing Eddie’s look of confusion, sadness, and surprise. More importantly though something was very wrong. Any other day, and he would not have noticed. Any other day when he wasn’t hours off of a mission and still looking for snipers, and he wouldn’t have seen the muzzle flash. Any other day and he’d have assumed it was just the sun catching on a building somewhere. Today though, today, Buck was seeing muzzle flashes even when they didn’t exist. Today, he was going to shove his best friend out of the direct line of what might be a sniper even if he was wrong.

Eddie stumbled, barely keeping himself from hitting the ground. “Get down!!!” A yell sounded around him as everyone ducked behind the trucks.

What? Was that a gunshot? Eddie hit the pavement in surprise, looking up in horror just as Buck sank to his knees beside him. “Are you ok?” Buck asked, ignoring the blood rapidly spreading from his own right shoulder.

“Buck!” Eddie pulled his best friend down to the ground, covering his body with his own. “You’re shot! Buck!”

“You ok?” Buck was asking again, his eyes dazed. Eddie put pressure on the bullet wound.

“Yes, you saved me,” Eddie said to get his friend to focus in on himself. Buck had pushed him out of the way. Shit…that bullet had been meant for Eddie!

“Good,” Buck breathed out, closing his eyes.

“No, you stay with me,” Eddie yelled at him, shaking his body until Buck opened his eyes again. “You’re not allowed to die on me! You idiota! Stupido!”

“I know those words,” Buck coughed a wet laugh.

Another bullet pinged off the ambulance off to their side. They needed to get out of the open. Eddie’s mind flashed right back to Afghanistan. He was being shot at after the helicopter crashed. He had to get his team to safety. But Buck was there now, so it was even more important. He had to get Buck to safety.

There was a Humvee behind him…no it was a fire engine. Right, they were in LA. There was a fire engine, and he could pull Buck under it and to the other side. They would be safe then and could get inside and drive to a hospital. Buck was losing a lot of blood.

Eddie grabbed Buck’s hand and pressed it into the gaping wound on his chest. “Put pressure there. You are not allowed to die, Buck. You hear that? That’s an order!”

“Yessir,” Buck nodded, pressing on the wound.

“This is going to hurt like hell,” Eddie warned before flattening himself down and grabbing onto Buck’s ankle. With a heave, he used all his adrenaline-fueled strength to pull the man he loved back under a fire engine, just like the one he had desperately pulled his friend out from under one time before. Buck screamed, and Eddie pulled harder. Just a little more.

There was blood all over Eddie’s hands and on his shirt. He couldn’t stop staring at it. He’d held onto Buck all the way to the hospital and held it together for his friend until the doctors took him away. Now, there was nothing to Eddie to hold together. Why was there so much blood?

“Let’s get you cleaned up,” someone said to him.

Eddie allowed whoever it was to take him towards a bathroom. Bobby, his mind supplied at some point. Good, Bobby was there. He was Buck’s emergency contact, right? Maybe that’s how he knew to come to the hospital…no, Eddie had called him, hadn’t he? Yes, Eddie had called Bobby and Maddie. He didn’t know what he’d said though…Had he made sense?

Bobby forced Eddie’s hands under the water in the bathroom sink and the water ran red. “The bullet was meant for me,” he said hollowly. “Buck pushed me…I hadn’t even heard the shot…I don’t know how he knew…”

“Shhh,” Bobby said comfortingly, putting more soap on his hands. Bobby looked rough. He looked just as torn up as Eddie, but he was there, washing Eddie’s hands. “Buck is strong. He’s going to pull through this, just like everything else.”

“I don’t understand…” Eddie trailed off, because he wasn’t even sure what he didn’t understand at the moment. There was just so much.

Athena strode up to the detective in charge of the scene. Her baby had been shot, and there was no one in heaven or on earth who was going to stop her from getting the person who’d done this. “What do you know?” She almost demanded, not caring for any of the niceties right now when her son was fighting for his life.

“Sergeant Grant? Are you assigned to this case?” The detective asked her. Athena did not remember this woman’s name. She probably would have if her brain wasn’t otherwise occupied.

“That’s my husband’s truck,” she motioned to the fire captain’s truck still there, as a sort-of explanation. “The firefighter who was shot is from his house,” was the easiest explanation over explaining just what Buck meant to her, to all of their family. That would take too much time, and she needed to find the person responsible for all this.

The detective’s eyes took on a look of sympathy. “I welcome your expertise then. Right now, we don’t know much. I hear the man who was shot is military, so we’re looking into that angle for why he might have been targeted.”

Athena was already shaking her head. “No, Buck isn’t military. Eddie is former Army though, and Buck pushed him out of the way, so it’s still a possibility.”

The detective frowned and checked her notes. She opened her mouth to say something, but her radio chirped, and news of another shooting came though…another firefighter. Someone was targeting firefighters.

Eddie sat between Maddie and Bobby in a daze. He was thinking more clearly now than he had been since the first shot was fired, but he was still fighting off the ghosts of his past. Hen and Chim sat across from them, and Karen came in carrying coffee for them all. Eddie took his and thanked her. He checked his phone just to see the picture of Buck and Chris that was his lockscreen. He’d looked at that picture probably a hundred times since Buck had been rushed into surgery.

Carla texted him an update on Chris that he thanked her for. She was going to stay late and then take Chris to Pepa’s for the night. He didn’t know how to tell Chris. He had to tell his son something soon, but he wanted to wait until they had any information on Buck though. He wanted to be able to tell Chris that his other dad would be ok. There was no other option.

“Family of Evan Buckley?” A doctor asked to the waiting room in general. They all stood as one and looked at the man expectantly.

The doctor smiled, and Eddie felt a weight shifting off his back. “He’s stable,” the man said quickly to all their relief. “He lost a lot of blood, and isn’t conscious yet, so the next few hours are still important, but he’s stable and out of surgery.”

“Can we see him?” Maddie asked, her hand grabbing onto Eddie’s elbow and holding on tightly.

“In about half an hour,” the doctor nodded. “He’s being moved from the OR now, so as soon as he is set up in the ICU, one of you can go see him at a time,” he eyed them all with the stress that they were absolutely not allowed to all go in at the same time.

“Now, I need to speak with an Eddie Diaz,” the doctor said after a glance at his iPad. “Just for some instructions and updates, nothing concerning.”

Eddie frowned, feeling Maddie’s hand tighten a little more. “Uh…I’m Eddie,” he raised his hand slightly. “But…Bobby is Buck’s emergency contact, and Maddie is his sister.”

The doctor looked at his iPad again before shaking his head. “Then Mr. Buckley must have changed it recently. I have Eddie Diaz listed as both Mr. Buckley’s emergency contact and as having his power of attorney.”

Eddie might not be breathing right now. What did that mean? Why would Buck…? When? But…

“Go on, Eddie,” Bobby gave him a little shove forward, breaking him out of his spiraling thoughts. “You can tell us what the doctor says later.”

Eddie stepped forward and cleared his throat, feeling Maddie’s hand slip off his arm. “Um…can Maddie come too? She’s his sister?”

The doctor smiled and nodded at him. “That’s up to you since Mr. Buckley placed you in charge of making his medical decisions.”

“Then, yeah…Maddie should come,” he nodded firmly, gratefully because he was only barely holding himself together right now.

Maddie’s hand slid back onto his elbow and held on tightly as they followed the doctor down the hallway into what must be the man’s office. “Is there something wrong with my brother…well, besides the obvious?” Maddie asked anxiously when they sat in the chairs on the other side of the doctor’s desk.

“No, I just need to get into some specifics,” the doctor assured them quickly. “Frankly, I had to spend quite a lot of time catching up on Mr. Buckley’s medical history between his work as a firefighter and his military medical records.”

“But…” Eddie opened his mouth to protest. Maddie grabbed his hand and squeezed it, stopping him. Eddie closed his mouth and looked at Maddie, confused. Buck had never been in the military besides his short stent in BUD/s.

“My brother does have quite the interesting medical files, I’m sure,” Maddie spoke over his questions and confusion. “Did the crush injury or something impact this one?”

The doctor was nodding though and scrolling through something on his iPad. “Not really, the main thing is that the bullet nicked a piece of shrapnel he had still in his shoulder from being shot before, so we had to remove the bullet and the piece of shrapnel because they were in danger of shifting and nicking an artery if that happened. But less metal in his body is probably a good thing at this point,” the doctor gave a wry chuckle.

Eddie looked at Maddie, and yeah, she was surprised too. He wasn’t the only one. Buck had been shot before?! What the hell?! “And that was successful?” Maddie asked, still not questioning the man. Why not? Clearly, they weren’t talking about the right Evan Buckley, right?!

“Yes, he should heal up fine. I don’t expect any complications, but we’ll keep a close eye on him until he’s discharged, especially since he had a history of blood clots at one time,” the doctor assured them. “Now, this clearly isn’t his first rodeo with being shot, and no internal organs were hit, but you’re still going to need to make sure he takes it easy for at least two months, and we’re talking no lifting anything or moving his arm for two weeks. We will evaluate letting him lose the sling at the end of those two weeks, but he still shouldn’t lift anything heavier than a mug of coffee after that.”

“I’ll tell Bobby,” Eddie said, knowing Buck was going to hate not being able to go back to work immediately.

The doctor nodded. “You’ll need to inform his CO too. I’ll provide a note if needed, but no running drills or extensive exercise for those two months.”

Eddie frowned and looked at Maddie. That was definitely not right. The doctor made it sound like Buck was still military…but he’d never been military. What was even happening right now?

Maddie shook her head. “I don’t have his CO’s number, but I’ll get it from Buck or have him call once he wakes up.”

“I’ll have aftercare instructions typed up for you,” the doctor looked between them. “Mr. Buckley needs to have someone stay with him for at least two weeks if not longer…”

“He’ll stay with me,” Eddie said quickly, not even thinking about it. There was never any question there. He looked at Maddie. “You already have Jee-Yun to take care of.”

Maddie nodded. “Thanks Eddie…I think he would be more comfortable with you anyway,” she gave him a watery smile.

“The nurse will bring those instructions to you shortly,” the doctor nodded. “Now, Mr. Buckley should be in his room if one of you would like to visit.”

Eddie was sitting beside Buck’s bed and watching the rise and fall of his best friend’s chest, needing to see that he was alive and no longer bleeding. Buck hadn’t woken up yet for more than a few seconds occasionally and only mumbling unintelligibly before going back to sleep, and they were all rotating through just to see him. Maddie had been first, then Bobby, and now Eddie was taking his turn, just watching, waiting.

Buck wasn’t wearing a hospital gown yet. The nurse said they needed to change his bandages soon and would clean him up more and put one on him then. Now though, his chest was almost completely covered in bandages and the sling holding his arm against his body. Eddie couldn’t take his eyes away. He wanted to be able to wish away Buck’s pain and injuries. He also desperately needed his friend to wake up and explain some things to him.

Maddie hadn’t explained anything about their interaction with the doctor in favor of hurrying to her brother’s room. Then, they’d been surrounded by the rest of the team. He was so confused. He just didn’t understand.

“No, I’m not sick or injured even though I’m at a hospital,” a voice said just outside Buck’s door. “G, I swear, I’m visiting a friend. You are worse than my wife.”

Eddie looked up in confusion when a very large, imposing black man entered Buck’s room while talking on a cell phone. Eddie opened his mouth to tell the man he was in the wrong room, but the guy just held up a finger to shush him.

“No, it’s no one you know,” the guy sighed. “Look, G, don’t have Eric trace my phone if it’s going to stress you out.” Eddie stood because he might have to call a nurse or hospital security to get this guy to leave he was starting to think.

“Dude, seriously, you can handle that,” the guy rolled his eyes at Eddie as if communicating that whoever he was talking to was being insufferable. “I’ll be back soon. I don’t know, man, when I can. Just…handle it.”

The man immediately hung up the phone and turned his attention to Buck, seeming to completely disregard Eddie even being in the room now. “Alright, kid, give me the report. What did the doctors say?”

“He hasn’t woken up yet,” Eddie said because, ok, now this guy was being very rude. Buck needed to rest.

“Nah, he woke up right after I entered the room,” the guy raised an eyebrow at Buck and crossed his arms. “He just doesn’t want to deal with me, so he’s faking it.”

Eddie was shocked to see one blue eye crack open before a petulant look he hadn’t seen on anyone outside of his kid graced Buck’s face. “Buck!” He exclaimed in relief and surprise.

“Hey…you ok?” Buck asked Eddie first before anything else.

Eddie couldn’t help the exasperated laugh. “I’m fine. You were the one who was shot.”

“Right, smile kid. I promised Steve and Danny proof of life,” the large man held out his phone as if to take a picture. Buck gave the phone a drop dead look that Eddie could feel. The guy just snapped the picture anyway and sent it off to someone.

“Sam, I’m fine. Go away,” Buck glared. “You’ll scare the nurses.”

“You aren’t fine,” the guy…Sam?... scoffed. “Right, so Diaz, what did the doctor say? Any lasting damage? Will he live to annoy us another day?”

Eddie crossed his arms because he did not know this man, and he wasn’t going to tell him anything without Buck’s specific approval. Also, what the hell?! How did he know Eddie’s name?!

“He’s fine, Eds. Stand down,” Buck huffed a laugh and then winced in pain, paling even more. “I’d like to hear the answer myself.”

“You’ll be fine,” he said. “The doctor had to remove the bullet and a piece of shrapnel it hit that was in your shoulder beforehand.”

“Awesome! That ached in the winter,” Buck said with a grunt while he tried to shift in the bed slightly.

“Buck is only allowed one visitor at a time,” Eddie tried to get this Sam guy out of the room because he was absolutely not going to be intimidated in his best friend’s hospital room.

Sam and Buck both snorted at that. “Yeah, whatever,” Sam seemed to be answering text messages on his phone now. “Steve is pissed you went on a mission with another squad, by the way. He might even come yell at you himself if Danny doesn’t stop him.”

“I didn’t get shot on that,” Buck pouted and looked up at Eddie, something regretful shining in his eyes. “Was anyone else hurt?”

“No, Buck. But there was another shooting later,” Eddie said sadly.

“Speaking of…I have Nell on the case to send whatever information she can find to your scary cop mom,” Sam nodded, only briefly looking up from his phone. “It’s a sniper targeting firefighters.”

“Damn,” Buck frowned in concern. He looked up at Eddie with all kinds of emotions in his eyes.

“I’ll be safe, even without you backing me up. Remember, I was the one hired to keep you from doing stupid stuff, not the other way around,” he assured the ridiculous man, because that was clearly what was worrying Buck the most right now.

Sam finally put his phone away. “Michelle offered our place for you to convalesce, but I told her Diaz would already be expecting to take you home. He’ll definitely baby you more than me anyway,” Sam gave him a look that said he’d better have been right about that.

“Well, yeah, of course,” Eddie nodded firmly. Buck deserved someone to look after him, and this guy was not up to the job, clearly.

“Hey, I’ll be fine on my own,” Buck tried to protest, but they all ignored him.

“Plus, you aren’t allowed to meet G, ever. He will definitely shoot you again,” Sam continued as if he’d never been interrupted.

“So, you make sure he actually rests and follows the doctor’s orders,” the Sam guy was now ordering Eddie. “I’ll clear everything with the SEALs for him. And, Sketch,” he looked at Buck with a glare. “You are not allowed to get shot ever again. You’re the one of us in the safest profession now. You shouldn’t be causing Steve to get gray hairs. He’s not going to look good gray, and you know it.”

Buck snorted looking more and more loopy the longer he was awake. “Yeah, he will. Silver fox…”

“Yeah…he’s on the good drugs,” Sam chuckled and fondly squeezed Buck’s foot. Ok, so maybe Eddie didn’t hate him quite as much anymore. “Well, call me if you need anything. You have my number.”

The guy turned on a heel and Eddie’s phone pinged before he could even protest that he absolutely didn’t have this man’s number. “What the hell?” He found himself saying yet again now that the guy had left as quickly as he had come in.

“Sam’s always busy. It was so nice of him to stop by,” Buck said in what absolutely did not pass as an explanation at all. “Steve will be very grumpy, but not my fault,” Buck pouted.

“Man, those drugs have really kicked in,” Eddie frowned, frustrated that he probably wasn’t getting any answers now.

“Morphine makes me loopy,” Buck said as if that wasn’t very evident. Buck reached out his free hand to Eddie. “You have pretty eyes.”

“Thank you, so do you,” Eddie took his hand and kissed it because Buck probably wouldn’t remember this anyway, and frankly Eddie didn’t care if he did at this point anyway. “What am I going to do with you? Have you really been military this whole time? What? Reserves?”

Buck made a dinging sound like Eddie had won something. “Promise…gonna tell you. Didn’t wash out of SEALs.”

“Oh,” Eddie definitely squeezed Buck’s hand involuntarily at that. The Sam guy had said he’d clear things with the SEALs…and that was how Buck had met Ale…but what about all the other jobs?

“Did you not really work on a dude ranch and as a bartender?” He sat back down.

Buck shook his head. “Needed to make Maddie happy…not worry about me. Fun jobs to make her happy.”

“But no one knew,” Eddie frowned because it was very clear that no one at the 118 knew.

Buck shook his head again. “Bobby never read my resume…I didn’t want your first day. I couldn’t do the questions.”

Eddie kissed Buck’s hand again. They would need to have this conversation again when Buck wasn’t high as a kite, but something about that made sense. Buck had just lost his entire SEAL team if Eddie had put the pieces together correctly, and one of those team members was his boyfriend who was supposed to be his fiancé. Eddie remembered all the questions his first day, hell his first month on the job. It was really bad when the last thing he’d done in the Army was get shot down in his helicopter and lose so many people. If he’d realized that no one knew he was military, he may have been tempted to create himself a new life too.

But for all these years…how did Buck cover still being in the military? “Hey, he called you Sketch,” Eddie’s eyes narrowed when he finally figured how where he knew that name from. He pulled Buck’s blanket down some to see a very distinctive tattoo on his side that he’d never seen before on Buck but had seen on a man named Sketch.

“Soooorrryyy,” Buck dramatically sang out into the room.

“You, Evan Buckley, kicked my ass?” Eddie just looked at him dumbfounded. “Dude…we’re so sparring sometime when you get well.”

“You don’t hate me?” Buck asked, tears welling up in his eyes.

Eddie sighed and tucked Buck back in so he wouldn’t get cold. “Buck, you just saved my life. Yeah, I’m very angry that apparently you’ve been lying to me for years, and we’ll have to deal with that. But it sounds like you’ll be living at my house for quite a while now, so we have time to work it out. Besides…I still know who Evan “Buck” Buckley is very well. I’d like to get to know Sketch some too.”

Buck’s eyes drooped, and he patted Eddie on the hand. “Pretty eyes…”

Eddie just chuckled, still so confused about this man in the bed. Still so in love though too. Damn…how could he be so angry, scared, happy, exasperated, fond, sad, and so in love all at the same time? Frank hadn’t prepared him for this.

Eddie just watched the rise and fall of Buck’s chest as he fell asleep again, still making sure Buck was breathing. He still didn’t know what the hell he was going to tell Chris especially with a sniper still out there targeting firefighters. But at least now, he could say that Buck was going to pull through. And Eddie really needed to have a chat with Maddie, preferably before Buck woke up again.

Chapter Text

“I’ve been following the news about the shootings. I’m happy to hear that the shooter has been finally apprehended,” Frank said with concern in his voice. Eddie figured he would be even more concerned if he knew just how much the 118 were involved in the shooter’s arrest and the fact that Bobby was now recovering from being shot too. Well, it was only a graze, but still, it was Buck and Bobby at this point, which was just stressful for everyone.

“Did you know any of the firefighters who were shot?” Frank asked, and yeah, that was a loaded question. Bobby had gotten a few stitches and was home already, but Buck…Buck was going to have a much longer recovery time and PT now as well. Eddie was really messed up about it, and his PTSD had been pretty bad since the shooting too.

Eddie closed his eyes and tried to will away the tears. “Yeah…the first bullet was meant for me,” he said, opening his eyes to see his surprised therapist. “Buck shoved me out of the way. He took the bullet for me. I was supposed to be the one shot, not Buck.”

“Oh…I’m hearing a lot of guilt here. I… I think you’re…” Frank breathed out, visibly shaken and trying to keep it professional. The police had kept the victims’ names out of the news, and Maddie must not have been in for a session since the shooting if Frank hadn’t heard. Eddie figured his therapist was probably expecting a wildly different session than what they were entering into now.

“Let’s take a step back,” Frank said after a breath, clearly shifting gears. “How is Buck? He’s still…?”

“Yeah,” Eddie nodded firmly. Losing Buck…that just wasn’t something he could handle and didn’t want to deal with ever. “He’s going to be fine. He actually gets out of the hospital later today, and he’s going to come home with me while he’s recovering.”

Frank nodded and wrote something down. That still drove Eddie crazy even after all this time. He needed to see that notebook!

“Did you offer your place for him to stay at?” Frank asked. “Was it because he saved your life? You know, Buck getting shot was not your fault, no matter what he did to save you. It’s the shooter’s fault and theirs only.”

Eddie was already shaking his head. “Yeah, I know. It’s just…Buck never seems to care about his own life. Hell, he was asking if I was ok while he was bleeding out in the street. That’s the problem, and why he needs to stay with me. I kind of just assumed he was going to stay with me, and I think it was more like we all told him that’s what he was doing instead of me actually offering.”

Frank frowned and clicked his pen. “Is that really fair to Buck, taking away his choice like that? Doesn’t he deserve a say in where he lives while he recovers?”

Eddie just snorted a laugh and rolled his eyes. “Buck would never ask to stay with anyone. He’d be trying to live in that ridiculous loft of his all alone if we didn’t insist. So, we have to make him stay somewhere or he’ll just hurt himself more, and Maddie and Chim have a baby, Hen and Karen have their foster kids, and Bobby would drive him crazy with how much he’d hover, plus he got grazed by a bullet.”

Frank’s eyes widened, so Eddie cut in quickly, “He’s fine, just a few stitches, and well, that’ll probably make him even more obsessed with keeping Buck safe. Even Buck’s old squad just assumed I’d take him in…”

Frank’s eyebrows shot up now. Eddie didn’t think he’d ever seen his therapist so expressive before in all the time they’d been working together. But yeah, that was definitely what Eddie really wanted to talk about. This was really the reason he’d needed this appointment.

“I suppose you probably already know about Buck, what with being Maddie’s therapist and all too, but yep, I just learned Buck is also a Navy SEAL, and he hasn’t told anyone besides his sister in all this time. I’m kind of still thrown for a loop,” Eddie crossed his arms and tried not to glare at Buck in his mind.

“Oh, thank God,” Frank breathed out a sigh. He then winced. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t very professional…”

Eddie couldn’t help the laugh. It was literally the first break in Frank’s professionalism since he’d met the man, and it made perfect sense, so Eddie supported it. He was actually impressed that Frank hadn’t said a thing in all this time though he knew Frank was very professional and good at his job and would never break a patient’s trust in the slightest.  

“Nah, man, I get it. Maddie knew and I didn’t, and we both probably talk about Buck a lot. That must have been driving you batty,” he offered.

Frank gave him a small smile. “Honestly, if you and Maddie both hadn’t mentioned that Buck had his own therapist, I probably would’ve been even less professional and tried to reach out to him to insist he talk to someone. I’m glad he finally told you though, for both him and you and your relationship.”

Eddie snorted. “More like his doctor told me by assuming I would know already, then an old squad member of his showed up at the hospital to check on him.”

“So, he didn’t willingly tell you?” Frank asked, now looking concerned again.

Eddie understood why Frank would be concerned even without all the relevant information. He hadn’t told Frank that Buck’s parents had outed him to the team, why would he? This situation felt very similar to Eddie though. Yeah, he was upset Buck hadn’t told him, but it hadn’t been Buck’s decision to tell him this, and Buck had been outed more than anyone deserved ever. A lot of Buck’s agency had been taken away from him recently.

Eddie just thought about this new reveal and his reaction to everything and how he was still angry and why. He was both angry and not, and it was very confusing. Buck had said he planned to tell Eddie, and Eddie found that he did believe him. Buck had been opening up more recently with the drama with his parents and then telling the team about Ale.

“He was going to tell me,” Eddie said confidently. He could relate all too well to needing to tell someone something but putting it off. He was going to tell Buck about his will, he just hadn’t found the right time. “He just hadn’t gotten there yet.”

“It sounds like a lot has happened recently in your life,” Frank said, and yeah, that was an understatement if Eddie had ever heard one. He held in his snort though and instead grabbed the throw pillow off the couch to hold onto like he did in most of his sessions. It was a lifeline of sorts. Him and that throw pillow, they went way back now.

“So, what of everything do you want to start with? I think we should sort through all of it, but what is weighing on your mind the most?” His therapist asked, getting down to business.

Eddie already knew the answer to this question at least. He’d come into the session knowing the answer. “Buck never told me…in all these years. He actually lied over telling me that he was and is still military. I just can’t get past that. It hurts.”

Frank nodded and made a note of something. “How is this different, or is it different, from when you learned about Buck having been in a relationship with a man?”

Eddie frowned because it was different…but how? He chewed on his lip while thinking. “It’s different because I can relate, and Buck knew that. It’s something we would have in common, or sort-of anyway. I was pretty sure even before this that he had some form of PTSD, but I assumed it was from the ladder truck or the tsunami, but now that I know at least part of it is experiences similar to my own, well, it hurts that he didn’t want to talk to me about it.”

“Did you want to talk about it with Buck?” Frank asked instead. Which was a fair question. It had been like pulling teeth for Frank to get anything out of him about his own time in the military, so Eddie could see where his therapist was coming from. He could also understand why Buck maybe wanted to avoid talking about it too, especially knowing he’d lost his entire team.

Eddie slowly shook his head. “No, I don’t think either of us wanted to. He just took it to the extreme. But, just knowing that we had that in common even if we didn’t talk about it…it would have helped.”

“So, Buck owed you the truth?”

This wasn’t coming out right. Eddie grunted in frustration, not knowing how to explain what he was thinking. “No, especially not at the beginning, but…I don’t know, man. It’s Buck, I’ve just always felt so close to him…you know how I feel about him. I just. I think I just want to know everything, and then I get pissed when I know he’s keeping things from me. And yeah, most of his life is probably super classified, and I’ll never know, but it’s like I keep meeting my best friend over and over again with these huge pieces of his identity he finally lets me see.”

“But he does let you in, and you already said it’s only you and his sister who know about the military,” Frank reminded him. “While he has been keeping things from you, it does seem like he opens up to you more than others in his life.”

“Well, and you know,” Eddie raised an eyebrow, letting it sink in that Frank was right, and yeah, Buck did actually open up to him more than anyone else besides maybe his sister. That was…it was something, and probably meant more than Eddie had even thought about so far.

Frank just rolled his eyes at him. “You know what I mean. I don’t count.”

“Yeah, and he somehow seemed to know that I already knew about Ale too before he told everyone and was cool with it,” Eddie nodded, seeing Frank’s point there. “Probably because I moved the dog tags in his drawer. Which, yeah, that actually makes sense now. So much makes sense now with this hyper focus on everything being in its place in his loft, how meticulous he is with everything, his checklist obsession, how he plans our zoo trips like an infiltration of hostile territory, how exceptionally competent at rescues he his…hell, how he saved our son during a fucking tsunami when a normal person would have drowned while trying to swim with a kid through the waves!”

Frank smiled and Eddie narrowed his eyes because he knew that look. He’d said something Frank was about to latch onto and would probably take up the rest of their session. What’d he say?

“You said ‘our’ son,” Frank pointed his pen at Eddie.

Eddie just frowned. “Well, yeah, of course I did. I told you about my will, right?” The look he was getting made Eddie backtrack because, damn, he actually hadn’t intended to tell his therapist about his will. He’d just forgotten that in the moment.

“No, no you didn’t,” Frank confirmed expectantly. “What about your will?”

Eddie groaned and leaned back on the couch. He checked his watch. He had about forty-five minutes left in this session before he got to escape back to the hospital to pick up Buck and hopefully take him home. They hadn’t gotten a chance to talk yet between Bobby and Athena almost always being in his hospital room with Buck, but now Eddie was starting to get the feeling he wouldn’t really be up for much talking that evening now either. This was going to be rough.  

“Right, so you already know my parents are not the most understanding where disabilities and Christopher are concerned, and probably not supportive of queer people either, so I don’t particularly want my son going to live with them if something happened to me when they would limit what he would be able to do, and when I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t support me not being straight, and I don’t want my son raised that way,” he sighed.

Frank clicked his pen again and put it on the paper. “Yes, we’ve talked about them. I understand your feelings there. I’m hearing that you set up an alternative for Christopher then?”

“Oh yeah,” Eddie sighed. “Chris is Buck’s if anything should happen to me. I’m starting to realize though recently, that Chris is already Buck’s now too though. He’s already Chris’s other parent whether he officially lives with us or not and whether it’s in writing anywhere or not.”

“But you did put it in writing,” Frank confirmed. “And Buck agreed, I assume?”

Eddie’s watch still said forty minutes left. There was no escaping talking about this now. Eddie was screwed. “So…about that…”

Buck frowned in concern at his best friend who plopped into the chair beside his hospital bed. “You look worn down. Are you ok? Something happen at work?”

“Frank,” Eddie grumbled, and yeah, that explained it. Buck felt similar after a lot of sessions with Dr. Graham too.

“Did you feel your ears burning?” Eddie asked unexpectedly with a huff.

Buck winced. He deserved that. “I really hope I never meet Frank.”

Buck knew he was in the process of being discharged from the hospital so this probably wasn’t the best time to have their much needed discussion. However, he was minutes away from being free from this hospital hell, and Eddie was about to be stuck with him for a while. If Eddie wanted him to stay somewhere else, he needed to know now.

“Look, Eds…I really am sorry. Do you want to talk about it? You know, you don’t have to take me home with you. I can go to Sam and Michelle’s or even Athena offered since Bobby doesn’t really need any help.”

Eddie was already shaking his head firmly though. “No, you’re coming home with me. I already told Chris, and he’ll have a fit if his Bucky doesn’t move in so he can nurse you back to health through cuddles and video games.”

Buck had to laugh at that. “I think that will definitely make me healthy. Look…I know you’re mad…”

“I am, but I also understand. I get what you meant by not wanting my first day at the 118, and I really get not wanting to talk about what happened,” Eddie ran a hand over his face. “What I don’t understand is how you can be so infuriatingly dismissive of your own life!”

Buck was officially lost. “Huh? I don’t understand.”

Now Eddie was glaring and working himself up to something. Buck was a little worried since his friend already looked at the end of his emotional rope. Eddie didn’t like to talk about emotions in the slightest, and this was clearly frustrating him.

“It took over half an hour of my therapy session to get me to realize why the hell I’m even mad at you!” Eddie glared.

“Because I lied to you…?” Buck said as more of a statement than a question. It was pretty obvious, right? Eddie had every right to be pissed.

Eddie pointed an accusing finger at him. “You see, that’s what I thought too going into the session, but nooo, apparently, I’m used to you springing whole aspects of your identity on me by now, and I just keep loving each one because they are all you. No, I’m fucking mad because you took a bullet for me and didn’t seem to care about your own life in the slightest! I was in the line of fire. I was the one going to be shot. And you jumped in front of a damn bullet for me like you didn’t even matter!”

Ok, so Buck didn’t know how to pick that apart. Did Eddie say he loved him? No…well, yeah, Buck knew Eddie loved him, he loved Eddie too, but he was positive those were two different types of love. Eddie clearly didn’t mean he was in love with Buck…right? Buck didn’t understand how the lying part was something that Eddie could just brush aside though. Why was that not the problem?

Buck shifted his arm in the sling and winced slightly at the pain. How did he even address this? Eddie was clearly out of sorts, maybe they could just brush it aside to deal with later? Yeah, that was probably best. Make a joke about it and deal with the emotional stuff later.

“Well,” Buck smiled what he knew was his most winning smile that even got to Athena sometimes. “You already had three bullet wounds, and I only had two, so I couldn’t let you upstage me. I had to catch up.”

Wrong choice! Eddie was seething now. Buck expected a raised voice when he opened his mouth and felt worse when Eddie’s tones were measured and calm. “Buck…Evan, I realize now that you have extensive training to recognize danger and identify situations like what we were in,” he began, seeming to forcibly calm himself through sheer willpower.

“However, as far as I know, it is nowhere in SEAL training to take a bullet for another person unless you want to disclose a past as a Secret Service Agent now as well. So, this was absolutely not in your training. You knowingly took a bullet for me, and while I appreciate you saving me, I need you to understand that your life is important to me, to Chris. You are important, and we need you,” Eddie said firmly, leaning forward so that his forearms were on Buck’s bed now.

Buck was already shaking his head though because that just wasn’t right. “Eddie, man…this is best case scenario here. You have Chris and Abuela and Pepa. I’m just Buck…I don’t have anyone waiting for me at home. You are the one people need. I’ll always take a bullet for you if it means sending you home to your son. I made Chris a promise to look after you, and I intend to keep it.”

Eddie just put his head straight down on the bed, which really meant on Buck’s thigh and breathed out loudly. Now what had Buck done?! “Look, Eds, I’m just being realistic here…”

“No,” Eddie cut him off, his face still in Buck’s thigh, and that was starting to get a little awkward for Buck and the images that was bringing up.

Eddie finally looked up, his eyes ringed red as if he were barely holding back tears. “Buck, you need to come home to your son too. You have people at home. You have me and Chris. Chris needs you like he needs me.”

“What?”

Eddie took the hand of his uninjured arm and squeezed it. “I should have told you well before now. I’m so sorry. I should have told you a year ago, but after the well…after the well collapsed, I changed my will. If anything happens to me, Christopher goes to you.”

What the hell was Eddie saying?! Buck didn’t know how to process this. Was Eddie really saying he trusted Buck to raise his son if something happened to him?! He’d put this in his will? A year ago?!! And that was even after the tsunami; after Buck had gotten Chris caught up in a damn tsunami! Why hadn’t Eddie said anything?

“Don’t I have to like…I don’t know, agree to that?” Buck found himself asking even though that was clearly already a foregone conclusion. He’d never turn his back on Chris.

Eddie gave him a look saying the exact same thing. “My lawyer said you could refuse to do it. But…”

“I wouldn’t,” Buck finished, holding onto Eddie’s hand for dear life now.

“I know,” Eddie smiled at him a little wetly now. “Buck, you’ve been co-parenting with me since you first met Chris after the earthquake. Formal or not, Chris is your kid too, and I’m positive he’d be just as broken up if he lost you as he would me at this point.”

Buck was shaking his head because this might be everything he’d ever wanted to hear in his life. This couldn’t really be happening. “No, Eddie…I’m just…I’m…I’m a mess. Chris doesn’t need me.”

“So, you’re a mess,” Eddie snorted wryly. “Like I’m not? Like Shannon wasn’t? Why would that mean Chris doesn’t need you?”

Buck closed his eyes because they still hadn’t talked about it. They needed to talk about it as much as he really didn’t want to. “Eddie…you know what I’ve done, or you should be able to guess. I can’t tell you, so much is classified, but you know…I’ve killed…”

“Buck, I know,” Eddie cut him off, shaking his head. “I may have been a medic, but I was there in Afghanistan too. I interacted with SEALs, and I know. And I’m telling you that every single time you’ve let me in, nothing you’ve told me has scared me off. Chris doesn’t know, and I hope he’ll never understand, but you aren’t going to scare him off either. That kid loves you so much.”

Ok, so Buck was crying now. He felt the tears track down his face. How could this be happening? How could Eddie just give him almost everything he’d ever dreamed of? If only he could hold Eddie too, but no, that was asking too much. This was already much more than he deserved.

“Mr. Buckley!” The nurse stepped into the room and paused with a concerned look at the two of them, clearly wondering if she should just back out of the room. “Um…”

“Sorry, Nurse Roberts,” Buck wiped his eyes and smiled at the woman. “Am I cleared to go?”

The nurse passed a stack of papers over to Eddie. “You are finally cleared, but now we need to talk over your medications and all your restrictions for the next few weeks.”

Buck groaned and Eddie just flicked him on the ear with a finger. “Ignore him, Nurse Roberts. What all do we need to know?” Eddie asked instead, and damn, Buck loved that man!

Eddie looked lovingly at the man sleeping beside him in his bed early the next morning. It was a good thing Buck couldn’t see his face in that moment since his feelings were spelled out blatantly for anyone to see. Buck was snoring lightly still and laying with a massive stack of pillows propped on one side of him to keep him from rolling over in his sleep onto his shoulder. They’d had the couch vs. bed discussion yet again the night before, but they’d quickly both given up in favor of their normal arrangement of sharing, clearly both wanting the comfort of being together after everything that had happened, and it was the first night of real sleep Eddie had gotten since the shooting.

Eddie sighed and wanted to reach out and brush back Buck’s blond curls. He’d miscalculated yet again. He had been sure that telling Buck about his will and how much he meant to Chris and Eddie himself would make it positively clear to his best friend just how much Eddie was in love with him. It seemed that Buck still didn’t see it though, or at least he hadn’t said anything in the slightest. Eddie could do the gestures, but he wasn’t good at the words. How did Buck not see what he was trying to tell him?

They weren’t able to really talk over things after leaving the hospital because Chris and Carla were waiting for them at home. Once Carla left, Buck’s full attention was absorbed by Christopher until it was time for bed. Buck was wiped out after everything and taking his meds, so he crashed right after Christopher.

Honestly, Eddie didn’t feel up to any more intense conversations though either after his eye-opening session with Frank and what he felt like was baring his heart for Buck at the hospital. How did Buck still not see it? Maybe he just really, strongly, didn’t have any feelings for Eddie besides just as friends. That hurt, but it was fine. Eddie would take whatever Buck could give him.

Eddie still felt like he needed to tell Buck about his feelings though to really impress how important he was to their family. Somehow, he needed Buck to know that he was loved whether he returned those feelings or not. He just had to find the words.

Eddie’s phone buzzed, and he reached over to the nightstand to pick it up. He was expecting the 118 group chat to be asking for updates on Buck, or even Bobby asking directly. He wasn’t expecting a new group chat called “Updates on our Idiot” to appear.  It made more sense when he read the first message:

Sam: Diaz, you let us know if you need anything. Sketch is a stubborn idiot, but he’s ours.

Eddie laughed, not being able to disagree with that in the slightest. He was surprised just how nervous he was to meet (virtually) Buck’s old SEAL squad. If Buck ever had a meet the family moment, this would be it since everyone else Buck considered family was the 118 and Maddie who Eddie already knew and considered family himself. This group was an unknown though, and he wasn’t sure if they would approve or not of whatever his relationship was with this former squad member.

Smooth Dog: He’s going to try to toss his painkillers in a day or two. Make him take them for a week at least, if not longer. The idiot is more concerned about becoming dependent on them than he is about injuring himself further.

Ok, now Eddie had absolutely no idea who that was that was joining the chat. It was good to know though. He could see Buck doing that, and he’d keep an eye on him. He understood where Buck was coming from, but there was a happy medium in there.

Diaz: Thanks for the advice. I didn’t know that and will keep an eye out

Danno: I already sent a care package. It’ll be there probably today if not tomorrow

Eddie frowned. Now, who was this and how did they have his address? He was thinking he probably didn’t want to know the answer to that.

007: Ooo, Danno’s famous care packages! Lucky!! How’s Sketch doing?

Diaz: He’s doing good. He’s still asleep right now

Danno changed his name to Det. Williams in the Group Chat

Smooth Dog changed Det. Williams’s name to Danno in the Group Chat

Danno: I hate you, Steve.

Smooth Dog: No you don’t

007: Sam, seriously with the name?! I’m not a spy! I keep telling you that!

Sam: Ok, then tell Diaz your full legal name and current location then, come on

Eddie watched as the three dots appeared and disappeared a few times before he was now convinced he was in a group chat with a literal spy. He was sold.

007: I’m not a spy

Was the message that finally appeared, and Eddie could feel the petulance drip through the type even if there was no tone behind it.

Organ Donor: What’s my name in the chat?

Organ Donor: That’s just rude! Sam! My job is safer than Sketch’s. Come on!

Danno: You told me they literally set you on fire last week *Multiple times!*

Organ Donor: Safely!!

007 changed Sam’s name to Tank in the Group Chat

Eddie was suddenly very happy his name in the chat was just his last name.

Smooth Dog changed Diaz’s name to Bandaid in the Group Chat

And then there was that. Eddie rolled his eyes. Of course these guys pulled his service record and knew he’d been an army medic. Actually, Eddie was pretty certain one if not more of them probably even had a copy of Frank’s notebook by this point somehow. Maybe they’d let him take a look. Nah, hopefully they wouldn’t be that disrespecting of his privacy…right?

Bandaid: I’m guessing this is Buck’s squad?

Smooth Dog: What’s left of them

Tank: Plus Danno who’s an honorary member because he puts up with Steve on the daily, and minus Sketch since this is literally to talk about him behind his back

Bandaid: Please tell me Organ Donor wasn’t your nickname in the SEALs. That’s just wrong

007: Nah, that’s Bubba

Organ Donor: Which I also hate. Name’s Dale, by the way, and I’m a stunt person for movies now. The fire was controlled, Danno! And that crash wasn’t my fault, Echo!!

007: That crash was the definition of your fault! Diaz, never let Bubba drive you anywhere!

Bandaid: Noted. So, Dale, you’re in LA too?

Eddie was fishing, but he was kind of hoping Buck had more people around him besides just this Sam guy who seemed intimidating and exceptionally busy.

Organ Donor: Nah, I’m based out of Vancouver currently. Right now, I’m on location in Istanbul

Organ Donor: What’s up with Sketch though? I thought he only got shot like once? Why’re we all concerned?

Eddie squinted at his phone. He hadn’t known emojis could be used to send violent threats before, but he was suddenly worried about Dale’s well-being from multiple persons in this group chat.

Organ Donor: Guys! This is Sketch! He got crushed by a ladder truck and was back up and running in no time. Besides, it was just the shoulder!

The violent emojis and swears continued. Eddie was starting to be suspicious though. How much did Buck actually talk to his old squad? Did they not know?

Bandaid: But you all know about what happened after the truck…right?

He typed before really thinking about it. Eddie regretted it the moment he hit send.

Tank: What are you talking about, Diaz?

Smooth Dog: What happened after the truck?!

007: Sketch said PT was rough, but he was doing great!

Eddie breathed out slowly and glanced at his sleeping best friend. Yeah, he was going to be in so much trouble, but Eddie didn’t see how he could get himself out of this right now. There was at least a spy and several people who were in some type of law enforcement on this chat if he had to guess, so he knew they weren’t going to let it go.

Bandaid: Well, there was the pulmonary embolism

Danno: The WHAT?!!

Bandaid: Then the tsunami

Eddie sent the messages and then just watched the string of texts come through. 007, or maybe Echo, linked an article about the tsunami. Then, somehow the Danno guy found the article where Buck was listed as having gotten a commendation for his involvement. Then Dale threw in one about pulmonary embolisms and how serious they could be. Eddie was starting to see where Buck had found his love of research.

Smooth Dog: I’m getting on a plane, Diaz. I’m on my way to LA

Danno: Steve, you have to submit paperwork for a leave of absence. I’m not doing your paperwork for you. Plus, you’re overreacting. This happened to Sketch a while ago. He’s fine with Diaz right now

Smooth Dog: Paperwork? No I don’t! I’ve never submitted paperwork for leave before!

Danno: Seriously! Steve! I always do it for you! If you’re going to fly to the mainland to yell at your little brother, I’m going to need you to do your own paperwork before you leave

Smooth Dog removed Danno from the Group Chat

Smooth Dog: Right, so I’m seeing two flights, one that would get me there early tomorrow at like 0230, and the other that would get me there by noon. I’m thinking the 0230 one

007 added Danno to the Group Chat

007: Danno, talk your boy down. Diaz doesn’t want him breaking down his door when he's trying to sleep

Eddie really, really didn’t want a Navy SEAL breaking down his door.

Tank: Steve, I’ll check on him. We have a break between cases right now, so I have the time to be as annoying as possible

Bandaid: Buck’s fine now. See for yourself

Eddie snapped a picture of Buck sleeping peacefully and sent it. It had seemed to work to keep this Steve guy from coming back when Buck was in the hospital, so maybe it would work this time too.

Organ Donor: Oh, hell no, cher! What’d you do to our boy?!!

Eddie’s eyebrows shot up and he looked at Buck in concern. He looked perfectly fine. Well, as fine as someone who’d been shot only days before could look at least.

Tank: I’ll bring him a new shirt too! Diaz! I thought you were good people. Shows you can never trust a grunt

Oh…! Eddie saw the problem. Yeah, Buck was going to kill him. He smirked and felt his heart warm though. Buck had always borrowed his army shirt when he stayed over. Eddie had never questioned it in the slightest since it was very soft at this point, so he understood. Eddie had also not known Buck was navy until this time, which meant a whole lot more now. Suddenly, Buck taking his shirt was much more significant. Why would a squid want to wear Eddie’s old army t-shirt? Suddenly, Eddie was slightly more optimistic that his feelings for Buck might not be as unrequited as he had thought they were.

Bandaid: Just shows Buck knows quality

Smooth Dog: Danno threw a stapler at me. It hurt

Danno: I cancelled his plane ticket. You can thank me later, Diaz

Bandaid: Dude! I’ll thank you now! Everyone, give Buck a few days before you descend on my house, please. I’m happy to have you all over, and I’ll even grill burgers or something, but give him a few days at least to rest.

Organ Donor: I heard free food…

007: Oh, hell Diaz, you do NOT know what you’re getting yourself into

Buck sniffled and shifted slightly.

Bandaid: Buck’s waking up. I need to go. Stay wherever you all are, and PLEASE give us a heads up before you show up at my door!

Danno: Don’t forget the care package!

Eddie put his phone aside and really hoped he wasn’t going to regret this.

“Hey,” Buck sleeping blinked at him, a little smile tugging at his lips. “What time is it?”

Eddie checked the clock beside his bed. “About an hour before I need to take Chris to school.”

Buck nodded and yawned. “Give me a just minute…I’ll get breakfast going.”

“The hell you are,” Eddie scoffed and pulled the blankets up further onto his sleepy best friend. “You’re going to sleep a little more, and I’ll cook. I’ll wake you up when it’s ready.”

Buck’s eyes opened more in incredulousness. “You can’t cook.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “I can cook perfectly fine when it’s something simple, just not to you and Bobby’s incredibly high standards. I’ll make an egg scramble for breakfast. It’ll be easy to eat one handed. How about that?”

Buck smiled and snuggled back into the blankets. “Kay…”

Eddie shook his head and smirked. Buck was already asleep once more. He headed to the kitchen and started pulling eggs, bacon, onion, peppers, and cheese out of his fridge to make the scramble. He really wasn’t the best cook at all, but he could feed himself and his son. He wasn’t completely incapable.

Eddie heard Christopher’s crutches just seconds before his son shuffled into the kitchen and frowned at the scene that met him. “Buck’s not making pancakes?”

“No, mijo,” Eddie walked over and kissed Chris’s head before pulling out a chair at the table for him. “Buck’s not going to be up for doing much for a few days at least. He’s taking some strong medicine, and his shoulder hurts so he's not very mobile right now.”

Chris frowned in concern but nodded his head. “So, we need to take extra good care of him,” Chris concluded, getting a smile out of Eddie who was scooping up egg into bowls for all three of them. He really did have the best kid.

“Yeah, we’re going to take really good care of him,” Eddie nodded firmly. “And remember, we have to be careful hugging him too so we don't hurt him.”

Chris scoffed and rolled his eyes, clearly saying he knew that. “What about when I’m at school and you’re at work though? Who’s going to take care of our Bucky then?”

“I took a few days off work for now…” Eddie began, pausing when he heard a little gasp from the doorway where it appeared Buck had woken up again and joined them.

“You didn’t have to do that, Eds. I know you need the money,” Buck started, but Eddie was already shaking his head.

“Hey, we’re fine,” Eddie assured him. Yeah, he needed the money, but he could pick up some extra shifts when Buck was more mobile and in less pain. “I want to take care of you for as long as you’ll let me.”

Ok, so maybe that was a bit more truth than he’d been planning to admit. Buck just looked confused as he sat at the table and kissed the top of Chris’s head just exactly like Eddie had done before. Eddie couldn’t help the fond smile as he put a bowl in front of Buck at the table.

“So, Chris…what’s new with the school gossip?” Buck asked their kid. “Is Skylar and Hayden still on the outs or are they friends again?”

Christopher groaned as if it were the end of the world. “Bucky! I don’t even know how to deal! I hate being in the middle of the drama!”

Buck and Eddie both laughed. Buck put down his fork to ruffle Chris’s hair. “Ah, but I so love to hear about all the drama,” he grinned, and Eddie rolled his eyes. Middle school was definitely its own version of a telenovela.

Buck wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting on the couch and just staring at the wall listlessly. He hated pain medication. He vaguely wondered how long before he could toss the pills and his doctor wouldn’t yell at him for it. His fuzzy daze was finally broken when Eddie came back home from dropping Chris off at school and sat beside him on the couch.

“You ok?” Eddie looked at him in concern.

Buck shrugged his good shoulder and scrunched up his nose in distaste. “I hate pain medication. I’m sure you saw how loopy I get on morphine, and the pills make me all numb. I don’t like it.”

Eddie put a hand on his neck and rubbed a thumb through the short hairs there. “I know, cariño, but you need them for a little longer while you heal. When we see the doctor next, we’ll ask if you can take something weaker.”

Buck blinked at his friend. Did Eddie just call him cariño? That was definitely a term of endearment people didn’t usually use for friends. “Eds…” he studied the concerned eyes that he just wanted to fall into in front of him. “Why do you trust me with Chris?” Is the question that came out even though it wasn’t the question he’d started to ask.

“You love Chris just as much as I do,” was Eddie’s very assured answer. Buck leaned his head against Eddie’s shoulder, not even knowing what to say about that. Yeah, he loved Chris like he was his own son; he’d just always known he shouldn’t say that out loud…right?”

Eddie’s phone dinged, and he glanced at it before snorting and putting it back down, ignoring whatever the message said. “118 group chat?” Buck asked because that tended to be Eddie’s response to it in general. “You can go to work if you want. I’ll be fine.”

“First of all, I was serious that I want to take care of you,” Eddie rested his cheek against Buck’s head, and this was starting to feel like something friends didn’t do, but Buck wasn’t going to say anything to stop whatever this was either. “And secondly, your old squad added me to a group chat to check in on you, and whoever the Danno guy is keeps trying to send me recipes he thinks you’d like, but we all know I’m not very adventurous in the kitchen. I think Bobby’s planning on sending food over later today so we don’t starve, plus, Abuela is sending tamales with Pepa later too.”

Buck groaned. “I’m so sorry. I’ll tell them to lay off.” He hadn't realized that he would be subjecting Eddie to the craziness that was his SEAL family when he'd finally told him about everything. Or well...he hadn't actually told Eddie. Was it Sam who told him? Oh well, whatever, Eddie knew now and that was all that mattered.

“Hey, they’re fine, especially once everyone talked Steve out of flying out here to either yell at you or mother you, I'm not sure which,” Eddie laughed, and Buck groaned louder.

“He’s not the one you have to worry about,” Buck concluded. “Danny will keep him in Hawaii, it’s Echo you don’t want to find in your kitchen because he’ll definitely let himself in and go through all your stuff before you even know he’s here. Guy didn’t understand personal space and boundaries.”

“Is he really a spy?” Eddie raised an eyebrow and asked with hints of both amusement and concern in his voice.

“Hell if I know,” Buck snorted. “Probably, but ‘he can neither confirm nor deny’ literally anything in his life right now. I don’t think I’m legally allowed to tell you his name besides that we called him Echo on the squad.”

Eddie was still scratching the back of Buck’s head, and he was turning into jelly right there. “Buck…” Eddie started, and it sounded serious, but Buck couldn’t bring himself to feel any concern in the slightest while Eddie scratched his head like that.

“Hmm?” Was the most he could get out.

“How long…” Eddie said softly with a sigh. “How long do you have left on your contract?”

Buck tried to refocus his mind on this conversation and not on the soft fuzziness of the pain meds and Eddie’s hand in his hair. “Um, a little less than a year now. I re-upped for six right before what happened with Ale and the team. After…well, I had a pretty bad mental breakdown. I’d have been discharged immediately if my skillset wasn’t so needed.”

“What was your specialization?” Eddie asked the expected question.

Buck winced not knowing how the information would be taken but knowing this was an important conversation. “Demolitions…you want something completely destroyed, chaos caused, or a great distraction, and I’m your guy.”

Buck wasn’t expecting the huff of laughter. He actually looked up to see Eddie shaking his head with a soft look on his face. “So, you became a firefighter to fight fires after the job where you literally set them.”

Buck could see some of the amusement in that. He rubbed his face back into Eddie’s t-shirt, basking in the smell of Eddie Diaz. “Yeah…it was more like explosions a lot of the time, but hey, I know enough chemistry to build a bomb out of most anything and can help a kid with middle school science at least.”

“Not a kid…our kid,” Eddie corrected again, and Buck still didn’t know what he meant by that or how to take it.

“Eddie…” he started.

“Hey,” Eddie cut him off and pulled back a little, his hand stopping its comforting scratch. “I need to tell you something. I thought I already had, but it seems I wasn’t clear enough, so I think I need to say it more bluntly, ok?”

Buck held in his whine of protest at the space between them now but nodded. Whatever Eddie had to say to him, no matter how much it hurt, he needed to know. He wasn’t sure what he’d missed, but yeah, Eddie was pretty bad at saying what he was feeling, and Buck knew he was sometimes bad at taking hints too. They really did need to get better at talking about things, examples being Eddie’s will, Buck’s entire past, and well, whatever this was between them.

“Yeah, I’m on a lot of drugs right now, so yeah, literally as blunt as you can, please,” Buck tried to joke, but really did mean it too. He knew they needed to talk, but things were very gray in his head, so Eddie really shouldn’t expect him to be able to pick up on nuance at the moment.

Eddie nodded firmly and turned to look at Buck more fully. “I need to make this very clear before I say what I need to say,” he breathed in a steadying breath. “You do not have to stay here with me. If you are ever uncomfortable in the slightest, you have options. Your friend Sam, or Bobby, or even Maddie will love to have you. Just don’t stay here because you think you’ll hurt my feelings, ok?”

Buck frowned because he’d always want to stay with Eddie. Hell, he’d move in if he could, but that would mean sleeping in Eddie’s bed for the foreseeable future, and he was aware that friends, even best friends, didn’t do that. He’d given the token protest in the hospital because he really didn’t want to put Eddie out, but it was always going to be Buck who was the problem, never Eddie.

Eddie clearly thought this was important though, so he nodded. “Yeah, Eds. I know that, but there isn’t anything you can tell me that would make me uncomfortable staying with you. I mean…you literally just learned I’ve been basically lying to you about my entire past, so I don’t think you’re the one to be concerned about here.”

Eddie smiled sadly. “That’s kind of the point,” he said reaching out a hand but seeming to think better about it and crossing his arms instead. Buck just frowned, never wanting Eddie to pull back, ever.

“I don’t understand…”

“Evan,” Eddie started, and yeah, the legal name only got broken out for important stuff, so Buck was listening. “I know the highlights of your past now, and I know you have some abandonment issues…hell, I do myself with Shannon leaving, coming back, leaving again, then dying.”

Buck frowned and nodded. Yeah, he was a bit screwed up from his childhood and his parents and the team dying. He was well aware. He’d been working on it for a long time with Dr. Graham, but he knew he hadn’t dealt with it fully yet and maybe never would.

“I’m not going to leave you, Eddie,” Buck said, because yeah, at this point, only death could make him willingly walk away from Eddie and Chris.

Eddie nodded. “I’m saying this because I don’t think you understand that Chris and I aren’t leaving you either,” he said firmly, and Buck looked down. Eddie was going to find someone someday, and they would have a family again. Buck knew that. There was an expiration date on his time with the Diazes as much as he hated it.

“See,” Eddie craned his neck down to catch Buck’s eyes. “Right there, you don’t believe me.”

Buck defiantly looked him in the eyes then if he was going to insist on it. “You are going to fall in love with someone probably sooner rather than later,” Buck said clearly because they’d agreed to be blunt in this conversation. “You will want to make a family with them. You will want them to be a parent to Chris. So, whatever you say now, I know this isn't permanent. I know you mean it, and I know you care about me, but that’s just the way things are.”

“Buck,” Eddie did actually reach out and take his hand this time, and Buck really did need it. “That’s not how it’s going to go. If anything, it’s you who’ll find someone you want to start a family with. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you by telling you about my will and that Chris is just as much yours as mine. Buck…you’re it for me. I know you probably don’t feel the same way, and that’s fine. I’m ok with whatever you’re willing to give us. But I’ve been trying to tell you how much you’re loved. How much I love you.”

Buck was fairly positive the drugs were making him hallucinate now. He felt his mouth dry up, and he couldn’t find words. Was this really happening?

“Look,” Eddie breathed out. “I realize that Alejandro was probably the love of your life, and that I come with a whole lot of baggage. I’m not asking for anything from you. I just need you to know how I feel and that you are loved.”

Ok, this was happening. Buck felt like everything he’d ever wanted was being offered to him, and if he didn’t currently have a hole in his shoulder, it would definitely be too good to be true. Why the hell would Eddie think he didn’t love him with everything he had in his entire being?!

“Eddie,” Buck raised their hands to kiss the back of Eddie’s, getting a wide-eyed stare in return. “I loved Ale. I still love Ale. However, that doesn’t mean that I can’t and don’t love you just as much. Because, Eddie, damn, I love you so much! I’m so in love with you; it’s just crazy!”

Buck was shut up very effectively by the kiss pressed to his lips. Eddie was like coming home. Eddie’s lips didn’t feel new or unknown, it was like they’d kissed a million times before and this was their first time all at once. Buck just fell into it, parting his lips and asking for more. Eddie licked into his mouth moving forward to hover over him, one hand braced on the back of the couch and the other in Buck’s hair.

Buck tried to reach out, only to hiss at the pain, breaking their kiss. “Damn,” he grunted petulantly.

Eddie chuckled and lightly kissed his lips once more. “Looks like we’re going to be forced to take this a little slower.”

Buck just breathed into his space. “Yeah, I’m pretty drugged right now, and my doctor very pointedly told me I’m not cleared for sex, so…”

“Well, I already have you in my bed and living in my house, so no complaints from me,” Eddie grinned, and damn, a possessive Eddie Diaz was hot.

“Where do we even go from here?” Buck voiced the question rattling around his sluggish mind. “Things are going to change.”

Eddie’s nose scrunched up and it was adorable, and if Buck was just a little more drugged he’d probably be waxing poetic about it. “You know, probably not a lot,” Eddie said, getting a confused blink from Buck. “I mean…you currently live here, we’re already co-parenting Chris, we spend all our free time together, we’ve basically been dating for years now just without the physical aspects, which we can’t really add until you heal more…so yeah, I don’t actually think a lot is going to change.”

“Except we can do this,” Buck pulled him forward by his shirt to plant another kiss on his lips with a smile.

“And we should probably tell Chris,” Eddie said, getting a scared look from Buck.

“Really? What if he’s upset?”

Eddie rolled his eyes and scoffed. “Buck, really? I think our problem is going to be trying to get him to calm down enough to sleep he’ll be so excited.”

“I don’t know. Shouldn’t we wait?” He asked because weren't couples supposed to be together for a while before telling the kids? That was just a thing, right?

“Wait until we’re sure of each other and that we want to be together?” Eddie raised an eyebrow, and yeah, he had a point. Buck had been sure of Eddie back when they’d pulled a grenade out of a guy’s leg in the back of an ambulance.

“Ok, then…” Buck smiled because yeah, they were doing this. They were really doing this.

The doorbell rang and Eddie smiled. “Rest. I’ll go take care of that, whatever it is.”

“What else am I going to do?” Buck scoffed, but did relax back into the couch cushions. At least he could get caught up on Abuela’s telenovela he’d gotten sucked into so they could talk about it now more.

Eddie opened the front door of his house to see a box sitting on his porch. He laughed outright at the airmail stickers saying it’d been flown in from Hawaii, but more at the Navy t-shirt folded and sitting on top of it. Dios, but Buck’s SEAL family were creepy. Eddie figured he should buy a case of beer and some hamburgers to grill sooner rather than later because it looked like Buck’s creepy family were going to be his creepy family now too. God help them all.

Chapter Text

Buck’s squad gave them only a day before Sam was back at Eddie’s with a casserole his wife had made and a bottle of tequila he said Eddie would most definitely need after dealing with an injured ‘Sketch.’ Eddie just put the casserole in the freezer, since his fridge was suddenly full of things from Bobby and his Abuela, and the tequila in the cabinet at the ready. They were all going to be eating like kings for the foreseeable future.

Sam wasn’t the problem though even if he was still a bit intimidating. He just handed things off, stared at Buck for an uncomfortable amount of time (probably gauging how well he was doing), and then was off to whatever kept him so busy all the time. Steve was a little more annoying since he messaged at least several times a day to check on them, so Eddie was just thankful he lived all the way in Hawaii, or his hovering would become too much very fast.

Danny was probably the most welcome of all the random people Buck brought into their family since he sent fewer nagging messages and instead another care package which was a frozen pizza this time from some pizza place he swore by in New Jersey. Eddie and Chris now swore by the place too after having experienced it. The first care package had been books of sudoku, crosswords, mystery puzzles, and things to keep Buck occupied while recovering and not able to use one arm. Eddie watched while Buck killed at the crosswords and glared at the sudoku with enough violence he was certain the paper would catch fire soon. It was so cute that Eddie had to keep himself from cooing at his new… boyfriend?... Anyway, Buck probably wouldn’t appreciate it.

Unsurprisingly, Dale didn’t seem to think a bullet in the shoulder was anything to worry over, so Eddie hadn’t heard much from the stuntman since that first text exchange besides some random trivia facts he messaged for Eddie to relay to Buck since he thought it would amuse his squad-mate. Why he couldn’t just message Buck himself was beyond Eddie’s ability to understand. However, the trivia very much did amuse Buck, and Eddie decided firmly that he really liked Dale, they were going to be great friends, and he would never let the man drive him anywhere after hearing the story of the crash with Echo from a laughing Buck.

Echo was the one who Eddie really wanted to call Athena on out of the group, but he was almost certain that it wouldn’t go in his favor to ask an LAPD police sergeant to arrest a spy who worked for some unnamed and probably shady government entity. Eddie had tumbled out of bed on the third morning Buck was in his house after hearing the beep of his coffee pot in the kitchen. Buck was still asleep, heavily drugged from meds, and Chris didn’t drink coffee. Suddenly terrified, Eddie grabbed the baseball bat from his closet and ducked into the kitchen already swinging. He narrowly missed the tall, thin man’s head who ducked and smirked at him from where he’d just poured himself a large cup of the coffee he’d made.

“Nice swing,” the man grinned as if he’d expected the baseball bat and thought it was cute instead of intimidating. “Choke up a little on the grip and rotate your hips more to give it more force. You don’t want to just stun the person you hit; you want to lay them out with one swing to keep the element of surprise and so they can’t retaliate.”

Eddie almost swung the bat again before Buck’s warning from a few days before that Echo would just let himself into his house finally clawed its way back to his terrified mind. “Who are you and why are you in my kitchen,” he demanded, pretty sure he now knew the answer but needing confirmation.

“Echo,” the man grinned. “Not 007,” he added with a glare out to Sam, wherever he was.

“Locks were made for a reason,” Eddie glared right back while he slowly lowered the bat just slightly and grabbed his cell phone from where he’d thrown it in his pajama pants pocket for in case he needed to dial 911. Honestly, he probably should have dialed 911 instead of grabbing the bat, but it was…dios!...it was 4:30am! His brain hadn’t been working with its best critical thinking skills then.

Eddie quickly texted the Updates on our Idiot group chat.

Bandaid: Is Echo a tall, thin man with sandy hair and green eyes?

Bandaid: Trying to figure out if I’m being robbed

The man pulled a buzzing phone out of his own pocket and chuckled, which yeah, definitely confirmed the question.

Tank: Echo, man! We told you to knock on a damn door, and why are you there at 0430?!

Organ Donor: We talked about this! Manners, cher! We raised you better than this!

Danno: To answer your question, Diaz, yes, you are unfortunately meeting Echo

The man smirked and typed into his phone, Eddie’s vibrating with a message

007: Diaz has a mean swing with a bat and great taste in coffee at least

Tank: Dude! Call the cops on his ass next time! He deserves it

Eddie put his phone back into his pocket and finally set the bat on the ground. “So, why are you in my kitchen at this god forsaken hour in the morning?”

Echo plopped down at the kitchen table and took a long sip of his coffee. “Just checking in. How’s Sketch?”

“Sleeping, which you should have realized and which I would have told you if you’d at least called first,” Eddie glared but poured himself a cup of coffee. At least the spy had made an entire pot because Eddie probably wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep at this point. Terror was a sure way to wake a person up for the day.

Echo shrugged uncaringly. “I’m only passing through. My ride is waiting on me, so I don’t have long to stay and won’t have a chance to stop back by for a while.”

“Buck is fine, you are welcome to call or text next time, and if you scare my son, I’ll call the cops on you,” Eddie pointed at the man, not really sure that was a threat, but Eddie would never have a gun in his house because of his kid, and Buck was too injured to use as a threat currently, so it was the best he had.

Echo was kind enough to nod in acceptance of the threat even if it really wouldn’t do much. “Sorry, Danno and Sam are the only ones of us with kids, so I kind of forget that they’re a thing…I’ll remember for the future. You need anything? Food? Alcohol? Money?”

Eddie raised an eyebrow at the man who looked completely serious. Were all Navy SEALs a little feral because Buck was seeming significantly more well-adjusted than the rest of his squad all of a sudden? Eddie sipped his coffee before answering to give himself a minute.

“No, we don’t need anything. We have enough food currently to feed the entire firehouse, Sam dropped off alcohol, and I’m concerned about legal ramifications from accepting any money from you. So, no, there is nothing we need,” he said slowly, hoping this would keep the man out of his kitchen for a while at least.

“Cool. Oh, and talk to Sketch’s doctor. If he slept through all this, then his painkillers are too strong,” Echo nodded and put down his now empty mug.

Ok, so suddenly Eddie was very concerned because Buck had slept through all this. “Yeah, that’s a good idea.”

“Well, see you at the barbecue then, as long as I’m in town when it happens. Work on that swing of yours.”

Eddie just stared at the figure who left his house just as silently as he had come in. He was pretty certain he was still asleep and dreamed all of this, right? Still just so very confused, Eddie finished his coffee and poured himself another cup before Buck shuffled into the room, blinking the sleep out of his eyes.

“Hey babe…I think we need to talk to the doctor today about backing off your pain meds some,” he frowned at where Buck was now oddly starting at the table.

“Not taking them anymore,” Buck shook his head petulantly before frowning deeper. Eddie was about to protest that just stopping them altogether wasn’t the best solution either, but Buck’s frown turned into a glare as he picked up the salt and pepper shakers and moved them to the stove.

Buck grumbled while he next walked over to the spice rack and immediately started rearranging the spices. “That bastard Echo was here. Did you see him? One of these days I’m going to catch him messing up my things!”

Eddie just watched in amusement while Buck changed the spices from alphabetical order to some order only Buck understood, probably based on how often he used them. “Every time he rearranges my kitchen just to mess with me. One day I’m going to figure out where he lives and change around his entire kitchen too!”

Eddie blinked because it just sank in that this was Buck’s kitchen, not his. Yeah, Eddie had initially bought some things when he and Chris had moved in, but looking around, that was Buck’s spice rack, the dishtowels Buck had bought because they had ducks on them and Chris had thought they were cute, the elephant salt and pepper shakers they’d gotten at the zoo gift shop…hell, even most of the utensils were ones that Buck had upgraded to saying that Eddie’s were flimsy and cheap.

“Move in,” he said, stopping Buck’s cursing at the cumin currently in his hand. Eddie hadn’t really planned on saying it, but yeah, why hadn’t Buck already just moved in with them?

“Uh…what?” Buck put down the spice and turned to look at him with an openly hopeful look in his eyes. Intentional or not, Eddie was committed with just that look in Buck’s eyes. Buck was going to move in with them, and they were never letting him leave again to go to a silent and cold apartment all alone.

Eddie just looked around at the kitchen again verifying what he already knew. “Buck, you already live here. As you said, this is your kitchen. I know you can live alone easily again in a couple weeks when you can move your arm more, but I don’t want you to leave.”

Buck sank into Echo’s recently vacated seat, looking less hopeful and more regretful now. “Did you miss the part where a member of my old squad broke into your house sometime during the night and rearranged your kitchen? Why do you want me to move in?”

Eddie just chuckled. “Well, everyone has at least one crazy uncle. You haven’t met my Tío Hugo yet. Plus, Echo gave me some good tips for improving my swing next time we have a fire vs. police softball game,” he motioned to the bat propped up against the wall.”

“But…we’ve only been dating for like a day…” Buck looked so confused, but he still hadn’t answered the question.

“Buck, do you want to move in?” Eddie prodded again with a smile, seeing the answer in his best friend and partner’s eyes. “Nothing else matters to me besides if you want to.”

A loud yawn sounded from the hallway where Chris just stepped into the kitchen holding onto the wall since he didn’t have his crutches. “Did someone say something about Bucky moving in, or am I still asleep?”

“Hey superman. Good morning,” Buck reached out to his son, and Chris leaned heavily against his uninjured shoulder, still blinking slowly. “Yeah…if it’s ok with you, I think I might be moving in.”

“Duh, why wouldn’t it be ok with me?” Chris rolled his eyes at Buck and snuggled in closer. Eddie loved when Christopher was sleepy, it was really the only time he was snuggly anymore, saying he was too old for cuddles now. “Now we can just combine our video game collections in one house so we can play whichever ones we want. And pancakes…”

Buck laughed. “At least I’m good for something,” he kissed the top of Chris’s head.

Chris’s sleepy smile grew, and he just looked at Eddie while that look turned into something exceptionally smug and definitely a look he got from Buck and not Eddie. “So, can I tell Tía Pepa and Bisabuela they were right, or do you want to do it?” It took a second for it to sink in, but it finally did, and Eddie groaned. Seriously? Chris was in on it with Abuela and Tía Pepa?!

“Uh…what?” Buck asked, very confused.

Eddie laughed and ruffled Chris’s hair. “Yeah, mijo, you can tell them. How long were you in on this with them?”

Chis shrugged and smirked even more. “I may have never corrected them when they assumed you two were dating a long time ago.”

Eddie raised an eyebrow while Buck choked out a laugh. “So, even before I told you I’m not straight? That was assuming quite a lot.”

Chris scoffed as if that didn’t matter in the slightest. “Well, Bucky told me about his Alejandro, and if Buck can date a guy, then why couldn’t he date you?”

Now Eddie just looked at Buck with mock betrayal and surprise. “You told Chris about your old boyfriend before telling me?!”

Buck rolled his eyes and stood to go back to his obsessive organizing of the spices. “His friend Melody has two dads; he had questions, and even when I wasn’t ready to talk to the 118 about things, I’d never lie to my superman.”

“Chris met Melody two years ago!” Eddie sputtered in surprise again.

“You didn’t ask, or I would have told you,” Buck just pointed a finger at Eddie while Chris laughed at them both.

Eddie didn’t have enough sleep for this. He banged his head on the kitchen table once for good measure before standing. “Right, I’m making breakfast sandwiches. No bacon for either of you traitors.”

Chris and Buck begged and pleaded and bargained while Eddie laughed and pulled everything out of the fridge. Crazy uncles and all, it was turning out to be a great day. Now they just had to figure out how to fit all Buck’s stuff in their place. Although…Buck’s bed was definitely better than Eddie’s, so they were absolutely moving it over first.

Eddie opened the door to a knock that he desperately hoped wasn’t another random member of Buck’s old squad coming to invade. They hadn’t had anyone drop by since Echo’s surprise and very criminal visit, but that just meant they were probably due for someone else any time now. He was probably scowling a little when he glared at the person on the other side of the door.

Maddie looked taken aback and she stepped slightly back from where she was holding Jee-Yun in her carrier. “Oh, Maddie! Sorry, I wasn’t expecting you,” Eddie smiled and profusely tried to reassure his partner’s sister who looked very tired concerningly.

Maddie just blinked a couple times and shook her head. “I’m glad I’m not whoever you thought I was then.”

“Buck’s old squad has been dropping by unexpectedly to check on him and making a nuisance of themselves,” Eddie said when he realized that Maddie actually knew about everything so he could talk about it. He didn’t know how Buck had done it all these years because Eddie was stressed knowing the secret, and he’d only known for a few weeks now. He was suddenly much more sympathetic of Chimney and his inability to keep a secret.

“You want to come in? Buck took Christopher to school this morning since he’s cleared to drive again, but he should be back soon if you want to wait.”

Maddie shook her head and looked upset. No, she looked down or vacant. Eddie was concerned even though he didn’t know what he should be concerned about. “Actually, I think you’re the one I need to talk to,” she sighed as if the entire world weighed on her. “Buck still can’t pick up anything heavy yet, and I need someone to watch Jee until Chimney gets off work.”

Eddie had been back at work for a week now but had gotten off schedule with the rest of A Shift since he had to cover for some of the people who had covered his shifts and had hit his limit on overtime for the week. “Sure,” he smiled at the baby who was blowing spit bubbles at him in her carrier. “I’m always happy to watch Jee. Is everything ok?”

Maddie looked back at the car in the driveway. Eddie followed her look to the unfamiliar car, and his eyes widened. He gave a little wave over to Frank who was sitting in the driver’s seat. Frank waved back, and Eddie was so very confused. “Is therapy doing field trips now? I want to go to the aquarium for mine next if we are.”

Maddie heaved a little humorless chuckle that seemed to take everything out of her. “No, Frank is checking me into an in-patient PPD program at Cedars Sinai for a few weeks. I stopped by the station first, but they were all out on a call. Frank said we could wait for Chimney, but if I don’t do this now, I don’t think I’m going to. I left Chim a voicemail explaining everything, and I’ll be able to see visitors, but yeah…I’m not doing so well…”

Maddie held out the carrier and Eddie immediately took it and wrapped his other arm around Buck’s sister in a hug. She leaned against him for a second and sniffed. “It’s going to get better, Mads,” Eddie said vehemently. He hadn’t been through what Maddie was going through, of course, but therapy and some medication had made a world of difference in his life with his PTSD. Maddie would get through this, and they would be there for her for every step of the way.

“That’s what Frank keeps saying,” she sniffed and pulled back some, giving him a wet smile. “I suppose I can trust him right now, even if I don’t believe him.”

“We all have Jee-Yun and will take great care of her, you just focus on yourself now,” Eddie rubbed her back.

He hadn’t been really close with Buck’s sister until recently, but they’d gotten closer since Buck’s disappearance after the ladder truck. They had talked some since they were both worried about him; their appointments with Frank overlapped often, so they would chat in the waiting room; and they were even closer after the hospital when it was the two of them meeting with all Buck's doctors. And now that they were in the minority of people who knew about Buck’s past, Eddie almost felt like Maddie was his sister too.

Maddie nodded and straightened up some, looking like she was preparing herself to go to battle. “You be good for Uncle Eddie,” she told her daughter with a small smile and poke to her belly. Eddie cocked his head to one side in confusion.

“Buck told you we’re together now?” He asked, surprised at being called Uncle Eddie for the first time ever. They weren’t keeping their relationship a secret, but they’d agreed to not tell anyone besides Chris, Abuela, and Pepa until Buck was back at the station and they could fill out the necessary paperwork for HR.

Maddie let out what was almost a normal laugh as she turned back to the car. “Nope, but you just did,” she grinned at him and passed the diaper bag over. “Oh, and Uncle Eddie…someone needs a diaper change,” she pointed at the baby.

Eddie gave Frank another wave before they pulled down the driveway. He took a smelly baby into his house and sat the carrier on the couch to undo the harness and free his new niece. “Momma’s going to be ok,” he said soothingly to the baby who looked ready to tear up now that she was being left. “Me and Uncle Buck are going to just love on you and take care of you until your daddy can pick you up later. Now, butterflies or caterpillars?” He held up the two diapers with different patterns on them.

“Yeah, I think the butterflies are cuter too,” he grinned and gave the baby’s little pudgy hand a kiss.

It didn’t take too long for things to start getting back to normal for the 118 after the shooting. Buck would not agree about that though, he was so very impatient to return to work. Buck was back on shift just two months after being shot for light duty and was back to his normal job by the end of the third month. The bullet hadn’t hit anything major, so it was best case scenario for his recovery all around. That didn’t mean that he wasn’t jumping out of his skin in excitement the first time he was allowed to ride in the fire engine once again and participate in a rescue though.

Now, don’t get him wrong, Buck had been grateful he’d had so much time off while Maddie was getting help for her post-partum depression, but she was doing a whole lot better now. She was out of the hospital and had gone back to work just a few days before Buck was cleared. Now that he wasn’t needed to help watch Jee-Yun as much, he really wanted to feel useful again. Eddie and Chris kept telling him that he didn’t need to be useful, and they just wanted him around, and Dr. Graham told him that too, but Buck still liked to feel like he was contributing something to his family and society and all.

Now that he was back to full duty, he and Eddie had run out of excuses for putting off telling Bobby about Buck’s change in address and their relationship. Buck had officially moved into Eddie’s place even before he was allowed to lift the boxes to move because Dale had shown up randomly one morning with Sam in tow, then someone had told Steve who immediately bought himself and Danny plane tickets, and they all descended on Casa Buckley-Diaz like locusts to eat them out of house and home. Since Eddie was apparently no longer intimidated by any of them, he’d thrown the keys to the U-Haul he’d rented at Steve and ordered the lot of them to move Buck’s stuff that they’d already boxed up over while Buck made burgers for everyone.

Buck rolled his eyes fondly and shooed them out the door. He and Eddie had already moved over a lot of his clothes, and they’d already put his SEAL gear back in his storage unit since a lot of weapons were involved. It was really only his bed, kitchen things that either Eddie didn’t have or were an upgrade, sentimental stuff, books, his TV (which was better than Eddie’s), and video games.

Echo was facetimed in while they all enjoyed Buck’s burgers in the backyard after the move, and Buck still didn’t understand how the (probably) spy and Chris had become almost instant friends over a video call. Eddie didn’t seem to like that too much, but he also didn’t tell them to hang up or anything. Echo was odd and bad at boundaries, but he was a good guy and fiercely loyal to his friends, so Buck wasn’t concerned. Thankfully, both Danny and Sam said they’d try to keep their most chaotic squad member in line while Dale just egged everyone on.

Somehow it all worked. It really shouldn’t. The two parts of Buck’s life shouldn’t fit together, but they were so far to a surprisingly calm degree.

Buck was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Things were going too well. This was not how his luck ran at all. Maybe Bobby would try to move one of them to another station instead of letting him and Eddie work together. Or maybe Eddie would decide Buck was just too much. He still had the loft for another month until his lease ran out, even if it was empty now. He didn’t think he could handle having all this ripped away now that it was given to him though.

“Can I help you two with something?” Bobby looked up from the report he was filling out to raise a questioning eyebrow at Eddie and Buck who were awkwardly standing in his office right after their shift ended, finally getting up the courage to do what they knew they needed to do.

“Uh, so…um, I moved, and there’s a form,” Buck crossed his arms and then thought better about it and put his hands in his pockets, but that was weird too, wasn’t it?

“Back to your loft?” Bobby asked with a small frown. “I thought you were still at Eddie’s.”

Eddie, the unhelpful brat, snorted a laugh behind him. “Yeah, he’s still at mine,” Eddie said, making Buck sigh, not wanting to be the one to explain this.

“I’m…um, I’m staying,” Buck threw his arms up and let his hands fall, just not wanting to deal with this anymore, and they hadn’t even gotten to the stressful bit yet.

“He’s moving in permanently,” Eddie said much more clearly than Buck had from where he looked so much at ease leaning against the door with his arms crossed. “He needs the change of address paperwork.”

“Oh,” Bobby nodded firmly and opened his desk drawer to pull out a file. He lifted the top page from it and put it on the desk in front of him and tapped it with a finger.

“Now…I can give you this form, or…” Bobby pulled a couple more forms out of the folder and gave them a knowing smile. “I also know very well that Eddie’s house is a two bedroom, so…I’m wondering if we need these forms then too, hm?”

Buck looked at an already partially filled out declaration of a romantic relationship with a co-worker form to turn into HR. He just laughed and gathered together all the forms. “Yeah, yeah, so how much did you have on the bet?” He asked, showing the filled-out forms to Eddie who laughed too.

Bobby laughed and leaned back in his chair, actually seeming happy for the two of them. Buck’s anxiety melted in an instant. “Son, I thought you and Eddie would be dating by the end of Eddie’s first year at the station. I already lost all that money, but Athena is going to be treating me to a nice dinner this weekend.”

“Well, we’ll invite you both over for dinner once we get the last of Buck’s boxes unpacked,” Eddie smiled and offered, warming Buck’s heart. Just the fact that Eddie was allowing all Buck’s family into his space continually threw Buck for a loop. It was just so far outside of Buck’s past relationship experiences that he wasn’t sure how to handle it.

“I’ll hold you to that,” Bobby waved them off in a dismissal. “And boys, do try to keep the PDA to a minimum while on shift.”

Buck laughed and had to give Eddie a big, sloppy kiss on his cheek just for that. Shockingly, Eddie had been right, and nothing had really changed with their relationship. They had apparently already been very tactile with each other before they started dating, and neither of them were much for PDA beyond that. There were a lot more kisses which caused groans of disgust from Chris, but all in all, nothing was different. Well…outside of the bedroom at least. Buck was exceptionally happy with what they’d been getting up to in the bedroom now that he was cleared by all his doctors, thank you very much.

The other shoe had to drop though eventually. Buck stood on the porch to the house he shared with his partner and their son and stared at his phone, long blank after the call ended. The Jenga tower of his lies had solidly crashed to the ground, making a mess of everything around it. He didn’t know how to pick up the pieces. Was it even possible?

Buck had been trying to gradually open up more and let people in, but it was past that time now. The tower was on the floor, and it was left to Buck to somehow clean all this up, and he didn’t have much time to do that in. How would anyone forgive him? How could they?

Buck walked back into the house and just stared at where Eddie and Chris were waiting for him on the couch to start the movie they had been about to watch when Buck’s phone had rung. He looked at Eddie with a sinking feeling in his gut. Eddie didn’t sign up for this. This was going to be too much. Buck then looked at Chris, and God, Chris would actually understand and that was so much worse than not understanding this time. This was the end of his relationship, wasn’t it?

Eddie looked at where Buck was standing, a look on his face that Eddie had never seen, but one which he understood. He was certain he’d worn the same look talking to Shannon in the past. Eddie’s stomach had flipped the moment Buck had left the house to take a call. Buck never did that. The dread built until Buck walked in with that unfamiliar but very familiar look on his face, and Eddie knew his fears were all about to come true.

“Hey, Chris,” Eddie cut in before Buck could say anything. “Can you go to your room and listen to music or play a video game or something for a little while? I think Buck and I need to have an adult talk.”

Chris looked concerned and frowned at them both, but he did eventually nod and head to his room. Eddie was suddenly very regretful that they hadn’t told Chris that Buck was in the Navy. Buck only had a few more months on his contract though, so they had hoped to wait it out and only tell Chris when Buck was no longer in the military so he wouldn’t be concerned. That was starting to look like a bad decision now though.

Buck’s phone slipped from his fingers and hit the floor with a thud as soon as Chris’s door closed. “I’m so sorry…” he gasped out.

“Hey, come here,” Eddie held out his hands. Buck was breaking down in front of his eyes, and Eddie didn’t know how to pull him back together. “It’s going to be ok. We can handle this, whatever it is. We’re stronger than this.”

Buck almost curled up into his lap, seeking as much contact as possible. “Are we?” He asked with a sniff. “This is too much, Eddie. You didn’t sign up for this.”

“Well, you haven’t exactly told me what ‘this’ is yet,” Eddie reminded him, but held him tighter. “I’m assuming you are being deployed though. Am I right?”

Buck clutched him tighter, probably leaving bruises on his back. “Yeah…the team I worked with last time had a member retire. I’m filling in until they get a permanent new member.”

“How long?” Eddie asked, hoping it wasn’t long at all.

“The rest of my contract,” Buck said, causing Eddie’s stomach to do that sickening flip again. “They’re on a long-term mission, and I can’t tell you more than that, but the last three months of my contract will be with them.”

“I thought you weren’t cleared for longer deployments,” Eddie was grasping at straws, but he just didn’t want to believe it.

Buck grimaced before he sighed tiredly. “That’s the disadvantage of having a Navy therapist. If he’s asked, he has to tell the truth that I’m mentally stable enough to deploy whether he wants to or not. He just hasn’t been asked until this point fortunately.”

Eddie nodded, already having suspected the worst and trying to come to terms with it. “Buck…I’ll say this every day for the rest of my life if I need to, but you are never too much,” he said vehemently. He regretted that day in the grocery store where he told Buck he was exhausting with every fiber of his being. It was the absolute worst thing he could ever have said to the man he loved.

“You are not too much, and this is not too much. We’re going to get through this. It’s only three months, and you’re going to do your damndest to be safe and come home to me and our son, you hear me?” Eddie said almost pleadingly into Buck’s hair, needing him to understand and be safe. “No jumping in front of any bullets, no taking unnecessary risks, and call us whenever it’s safe, and you’re allowed to.”

“Yes, sir,” Buck sniffed with a little wet chuckle. He pulled back and love shown in his eyes. “I love you, Eddie.”

Eddie kissed him, bracing himself for what was to come. “We need to tell Chris.”

“Yeah,” Buck breathed out. “I have to tell Bobby and the team too…I can’t just get a shift cover for three months, especially after my medical leave. I have to report to Coronado in three days.”

Shit, Eddie hadn’t had time to think of that yet. Buck still hadn’t told anyone else at the 118 about his other job. And Maddie…they were going to have to tell Maddie too. “Chris first,” he said, cutting off his spiraling thoughts. “One step at a time.”

“Hey Chris! Can you come back in here?!” Buck called out loudly.

The instant clicking of crutches heading towards the room spoke volumes to how anxiously their son had been waiting to hear whatever was going on. “What’s wrong? Was that Bucky’s doctor?” Chris sat between them on the couch, already seeming to have been spiraling himself.

“Oh, superman, no. I’m healthy; I’m fine,” Buck assured him, wrapping his arms around Chris. Eddie hadn’t even considered that Chris would think something was medically wrong with Buck, but they all remembered the pulmonary embolism, and that had been after Buck was supposedly healed the last time too, so it made sense.

“Mijo,” Eddie took over, trying to break this was easily as he could. “You remember when you were little, and I had to go away for a while with the Army?”

Chris frowned at them both. “Yeah…are you going away again? But you don’t have that job now.”

“No, I don’t. I’m not leaving, Christopher,” Eddie ran a hand through Chris’s hair and tried to look calm and put together and like this wasn’t terrifying. “I’m not in the Army anymore, but Buck, Buck is in the Navy.”

Chris’s eyebrows went up and he looked between the two of them in surprise. “But…Buck works with you at the fire station!”

“I do,” Buck said, holding Chris’s hand now. “I do, but I was a Navy SEAL when I was in the military before I joined the 118. Now I’m in what’s called the reserves. I go train with them one weekend a month, you remember when I went away for a weekend a couple weeks ago? That’s where I was.”

Chris nodded, and Eddie was thankful they hadn’t lied to Chris and had told him Buck had a training he had to go to even if they hadn’t specified it was with the military. “So, you’re still in the Navy?”

“I am,” Buck nodded. “I’m almost at the end of my contract, but they want me to go work for them for the rest of it. It’ll be just about three months. I don’t want to leave you, but I’m so sorry…I have to.”

Buck was clearly unable to continue, and Eddie was only barely holding it together. “Chris, hey…Buck might not be able to call us a lot, but he’s going to when he can.”

Chris was very quiet. Eddie didn’t know how to interpret his look. Their son was old enough to understand what it meant to be deployed now even though he hadn’t been old enough when Eddie had left. Chris had experienced so much trauma in his young life already with Shannon’s death and the tsunami and Buck being shot, Eddie was now planning to schedule more sessions with Chris’s therapist for while Buck was away.

Finally, Chris nodded and looked at them both with shining eyes. “Buck is going to come back to us though,” he said, not as a question more as a command. “Right Buck, you’re going to do your best to come back to me?”

Buck sniffed back tears but nodded, hugging Chris tightly. “Yeah, superman. I’m going to do my absolute best, pinky promise.”

“Good, then you don’t get to leave again,” Chris ordered and got a laugh from both of them.

“Yeah, buddy, I’ll be out then, so no more going away,” Buck chuckled and reached around Chris to hold Eddie’s hand too.

Buck got to work about a half hour before their shift knowing Bobby was usually in by that time. He walked up to where his pseudo-father figure was prepping breakfast items in the kitchen at the station. “Hey, Bobby,” Buck said, causing his captain to look up at him in confusion.

“Buck, you’re in early,” he smiled and put down the knife. “I just made coffee if you want some.”

Buck nodded but put his hands in his pockets and took in a breath. “Uh, Bobby…can we…I think we need to go look at my resume together now. That ok?”

Bobby looked very surprised. They hadn’t talked about his resume even in passing since that day in Bobby’s kitchen. Buck had wanted to put it off until after he was no longer in the reserves, but he only had two days now, and Bobby needed to get him a long-term cover for his shift.

“Sure, kid,” Bobby wiped off his hands and walked towards his office, putting an arm around Buck’s tense shoulders when they got level. “What brought this on all of a sudden?”

Buck just snorted. “I doubt this is really all of a sudden, more like a long time coming,” he quipped dryly. “Let’s look at it first though, then I’ll explain.”

Bobby nodded and let go of Buck to open his office door and go over to rummage around in the filing cabinet. Buck nervously sat in the chair across from the desk and waited. It didn’t take long for Bobby to track down Buck’s file and look through it.

“Well…that explains it then,” Bobby frowned in the file. “I was never forwarded your resume.”

“What?” Buck frowned in confusion. “Why?”

Bobby shrugged, seeming unconcerned, and turned to the computer instead. “It sometimes happens when a transfer goes through quickly. Hardcopies of things sometimes fall through the cracks. It’ll be in your online record though. Give me a second, and I’ll pull it up. I’m relieved I didn’t just completely ignore it when you first started. That was a little concerning to me back when you mentioned it.”

“Oh,” Buck waited expectantly. A couple clicks of Bobby’s mouse and Buck held his breath while Bobby’s neutral face fell into a frown.

“Oh,” Bobby echoed his sentiment from a second before in a very different tone.

“Yeah…” Buck finally breathed out. “So, all those jobs I’ve mentioned, I made those up for Maddie over the years so she wouldn’t worry about me. She knows the truth now, but when I realized you didn’t know…it just seemed like the perfect opportunity to start over.”

“But…it says you’re in the reserves?” Bobby looked up with something between sadness, concern, and fear in his eyes. “How have you been doing that with the required training weekends?”

“A lot of shift covers,” Buck shrugged. “I know if you knew you would’ve had people to cover for me, but it was never a problem to trade with someone on another shift all these years.”

“Damn, kid,” Bobby breathed out, and Buck didn’t think he’d ever heard Bobby swear in all the time he’d known the man. “You're a demolitions specialist? And a Distinguished Service Medal? I get why you would want to start over, but why not tell us at least some of this? I know I for one would've trusted you on rescues more that first year you were with us.”

Buck was nodding already. It would have made his first and maybe even his second year easier but putting in the time to earn his teams’ trust had never been something he regretted. “It doesn’t say why I moved to reserves on there,” Buck motioned to the computer. “I talked about it in my interview with the department for full transparency, but my entire team was killed on a mission…Ale was part of my team…”

Bobby’s face crumpled in so much understanding that the familiar pain in Buck’s chest twinged again at the loss. “I’m so sorry Buck…”

“Yeah, I know. I’ve been working through everything with my therapist for years,” Buck said quickly to keep Bobby from continuing. “But I couldn’t be active duty anymore because I had a pretty bad mental breakdown. I was stable enough to join the LAFD, but it’s been a long road.”

Bobby reached across the desk for Buck’s hand. Buck reached out and grasped his hand and gave it a squeeze. “I’m sorry we weren’t here for you more,” Bobby said, but Buck just shook his head. It had been his own decision that they weren’t. He knew they would have wanted to be there for him if they knew.

“I know, Cap,” he said as comfortingly as he could. “The problem is…the reason we needed to look at his today…” he trailed off with a sigh.

“You’re being deployed,” Bobby finished for him with what was definitely a scared look in his eyes once he figured out why they had to talk over this information right then.

“Yeah,” Buck nodded, squeezing Bobby’s hand once more. “I only have three months on my contract though, and I’m not re-upping. They want me for the rest of the contract on a new team.”

“Does Eddie know?” Bobby asked the important question.

“Yeah, Eddie already knew about the Navy, and we told Chris together last night as soon as I got the call,” he said. “I met Maddie for breakfast at her place and told her about the deployment. I just need to tell the rest of the team now…”

Bobby let go of his hand and pulled over the shift schedule. “I’ll be right there with you. We'll do it together. Now, when do you leave?”

“Two days, but that’s the beginning of my time off, so you have a little while to find a cover,” Buck said, looking over at the schedule.

Bobby was shaking his head though. “No, you need a day off before you leave to rest and get everything together and pay any bills you need to and just be with Eddie and Chris.”

Buck just smiled while Bobby sorted through the schedule, scratching his neck and mumbling about contacting the B Shift captain or maybe another station. He could do this. He’d never had to really leave anyone behind for any significant amount of time before, and he didn’t know how he was going to handle it. Bobby was clearly shaken up, but occasionally, he’d look up and give Buck a little encouraging smile anyway as if to say it would all be ok. God, Buck really hoped it would. He frankly didn’t know anything about the mission he was ordered to step into and wouldn’t be briefed until his plane landed regardless.

Buck looked out at his team, his family, here at the 118. Their shift had just ended, and Buck had asked those he was closest with to hang back for just a few minutes. Bobby said it would be best and easiest to do the explanations at the end of the shift since this would be Buck’s last for a while. Buck didn’t want to just drop the bomb and run, but he understood it would be better to not do it before a busy 12-hour shift.

“So…I have some news,” Buck breathed out, reaching for Eddie’s hand where he was sitting in front of them at the table while Buck stood and tried to keep his knees from shaking. He was calm and collected in the middle of gunfire and explosions, but telling his family he’d been lying to them for years, yeah, that might cause a panic attack.

“Eddie’s pregnant. I knew it!” Chim joked with a wink in their direction, getting an eyeroll from Eddie and a laugh from Buck. It really did help. Chim could be a little oblivious with his humor sometimes, but usually, it was meant as a kindness and really helped to relieve some of the tension they faced constantly.

Hen shoved Chim’s shoulder. “Chim, I will give you the birds and bees talk if you push your luck there.”

“Let Buck talk everyone,” Bobby cut in, and Buck was thankful for that too because he just needed to get this over with.

Buck nodded and took in a breath. “Right, so I’m going to start with an apology. I'm sorry, but I have been misleading you all and outright lying sometimes about my past since I started here at the 118.”

“In his defense, I never read his resume apparently,” Bobby added with an encouraging smile in Buck’s direction.

“Wait…what’s that mean?” Hen frowned and looked between them.

“Is Buck not really Buck?” Chim raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “Wait, no we know your sister, I’m dating her…”

Buck gave his almost brother-in-law a deadpan look because the jokes need to pull back a little if he was going to get through this. “I am honest-to-God Evan Buckley and a firefighter and Maddie’s brother and Eddie’s boyfriend…I didn’t lie about any of that.”

“He’s just a little more qualified than any of us knew,” Eddie added in helpfully.

“More qualified?” Hen was next to raise an eyebrow. “Like transferred from another station? Why wouldn’t you tell us that?”

“Wait, were you a spy sent by Gerrard when we had him kicked out?” Chimney crossed his arms, actually seeming to consider that as a possibility.

“Everyone, just let him talk!” Bobby huffed out again in exasperation this time.

Buck nodded. “Right, so pulling off the Band-Aid here. I’m not a spy from Gerrard, and I didn’t transfer from another station. I may be Evan “Buck” Buckley to all of you, but I’m also Special Warfare Chief Petty Officer Evan “Sketch” Buckley with the US Navy SEALs.”

The loft was so quiet that the drip of the sink in the kitchen could be heard.

“Buck is in the reserves and being deployed,” Eddie said out into the quiet room while Hen and Chim seemed to be completely lost in their comprehension. “He will be gone for the next three months, but he will do everything in his considerable skillset to return to us.”

Bobby cleared his throat. “I’ve already cleared it with the 136 to have Lena Bosco come back to cover while he’s away because their station is currently more staffed than ours since we didn’t get a probationary firefighter from the last class.”

“Wait, wait, wait…” Chimney held up a hand. “Does Maddie know?”

Always his first question. “Yes, Chim,” Buck assured him with a small smile. “Maddie has known for a while, and I told her this morning about the deployment.”

Hen breathed out, seeming to collect herself once more. “So, you never worked as a bartender or a ranch hand or in construction?”

“Wait,” Eddie looked up at Buck with a surprised and accusing expression. Buck had absolutely no clue what was surprising about that. What'd he do? “You’ve been fixing everything at Tía Pepa’s house for years?! You never worked in construction!”

Buck scoffed and laughed. “Eds, man, I know how to YouTube how to fix a leaky pipe. It’s not that hard.” Eddie scoffed and muttered in Spanish under his breath. Buck only caught a few words, but they were enough that he let out another chuckle at Eddie’s swearing at all things technology, idiotic boyfriends, and crazy aunts.

“I really liked that you’d been a ranch hand,” Chimney pouted, but had an accepting look in his eyes. “I suppose my brother-in-law being a SEAL isn’t terrible though.”

“I still don’t understand why you lied,” Hen did not look nearly as accepting yet.

Eddie cleared his throat and squeezed Buck’s hand. “You all remember when Buck told us about Ale?” Hen’s eyes widened now, seeming to start to put the pieces together.

Buck took in a steadying breath. “Ale and the rest of my team were all killed on my last mission when I was active duty. I had a mental breakdown. It was…it was bad, and I just physically couldn’t talk about it. When I realized you didn’t know…I thought it was the perfect opportunity to just shove it all in the past and try to remake myself.”

“Which was a terrible idea,” Eddie scoffed.

“Yes, my therapist told me that every single session for a very long time,” Buck huffed a laugh. “Look, can you all maybe forgive me? I know it’s a lot.”

“Dude, yeah, of course!” Chimney stood and clapped him on the shoulder. “You’re my brother, Buck…whoever you are.”

“Yeah, Buck,” Hen said, looking a little teary now. “We’re going to miss you while you’re gone.”

“Three months and then I’m out,” Buck assured them all.

“Your locker and your turnouts will be right where you left them,” Bobby smiled at him with a clap to the shoulder Chimney wasn’t already holding onto.

It was three of the hardest months of Eddie’s life. He had a new respect for Shannon and everything she’d gone through while he was deployed. Unfortunately, Buck wasn’t even allowed to call as much as Eddie had been, so it was three months of very little contact. Suddenly, Eddie was much more grateful for Buck's creepy SEAL family.

Steve and Echo both seemed to have some kind of shady source in the higher ups, and Eddie didn’t even want to know how illegal it was that they knew and passed along the little they did. They would call occasionally just to convey that they had confirmation Buck was still alive and well, which probably wasn’t enough to get anyone court-martialed, but still, probably wasn’t exactly legal. Even Sam stopped by the house occasionally just to look at Eddie uncomfortably and pass over a salad or casserole or something from his wife. Eddie may no longer be intimidated by the man but would absolutely never turn down anything he was handed and only pass along how absolutely amazing anything the guy’s wife made was.

Christopher seemed to be handling things better than Eddie, but he still slept in the bed with Eddie more nights than he ever did before. Eddie really appreciated it now because, without Buck there, their bed just felt cold and lonely. He wasn’t sure if Chris really felt the need to be with him, or if he realized Eddie needed the comfort. Regardless, it was one of the things holding him together.

The other thing holding him together was Maddie. They started a little support group of their own, getting coffee or breakfast at least a couple times a week just to talk over their anxieties, bitch about the military, or just chat about life. Eddie loved his sisters, but they lived far away, and Maddie was quickly becoming one of the people closest to him in his life, another sister and another friend he could rely on.

It was Maddie who Eddie called from the backyard of his parents’ house in El Paso late at night after his father’s retirement party when he’d finally told them he was dating a man, that he was dating Buck. It was Maddie who told him it was ok to walk away from people who hurt you, even if it was family. It was Chris though who looked at his grandparents and, in all seriousness, asked them why they hated his dad in that blunt way he sometimes had.

Eddie’s parents had looked at their grandson with gob smacked expressions on their faces. “Buck and Dad love each other,” Chris told them with a frown. “Buck is my dad too. Bucky saved my life and loves Dad and takes care of us. Do you hate me too?”

Ramon and Helen Diaz tripped all over themselves trying to reassure Chris that they loved him, but Eddie saw their eyes when they looked at him. This was probably his last trip to Texas. If they wanted Eddie and Chris in their lives, they were going to need to make the first move now.

Eddie loaded up the car the next morning and nodded at his parents. “Buck is a Navy SEAL and currently deployed,” he told them, getting shocked looks since he hadn’t ever mentioned that before.

“When he gets back, I’m asking him to marry me. Come to the wedding or not, that’s up to you. But you will never make my son feel like you don’t love and support him ever again, or you will absolutely never see either of us again,” Eddie said, getting into their rental car before his parents could protest or say anything.

Eddie breathed out a sigh of relief as soon as they drove onto the main road and away from his childhood home. “I’m sorry mijo,” he told his son who was abnormally quiet in the backseat. “Your abuelo and abuela do love you very much. They just…they just don’t understand,” was the best way he thought he could put it.

Chris nodded, still lost in his own thoughts. “What’s on your mind, mi amor?” Eddie asked after a while in concern.

Chris hummed a little before meeting his eyes in the rearview mirror. “I’m just wondering if Bucky would like a gold ring or a silver one more. Maybe one with a shiny stone in it.”

Eddie laughed loudly and felt a weight lift off his shoulders. “How about you help me pick it out? Sound good?”

Chris gave him a look like he had lost his mind. “Dad…seriously, I was always helping either you or Buck pick out the ring. You two are hopeless.”

Eddie just laughed louder. “You are so very right, mijo. We are lost without you.”

It had been a very tiring shift that consisted of a blimp going down, a multi-car pileup on the highway, a guy’s arm in a leaf shredder at a golf course, and a woman with kidney failure during a promotion at a car dealership. They were all tired and grumpy and Eddie was one call away from texting Josh to ask if it might be a full moon and he'd missed it. The shift was almost over though, and he could go home to Chris, and they had one of their rare scheduled video calls with Buck that evening. He could make it until then.

“Hey! Long time!” Bosco loudly exclaimed from the floor. Eddie leaned up off the couch to see who it was that had entered. “Diaz!” She yelled even before he could convince his lazy butt to get off the couch.

“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled popping his back when he stood.

“You, my friend, are getting old,” Chimney grinned up at him, making Eddie flip him off.

Hen scoffed over where she was studying. “You’re older than Eddie, by a lot!”

“Not a lot!!” Chimney protested, but Eddie was already over at the stairs to see whatever it was Bosco needed. Eddie got halfway down the stairs before he saw who it was Bosco was talking to.

A man in Navy fatigues with more beard and a lot more scrapes and bruises than when he left was standing right where he should be in the firehouse. Buck was there, and he was a little banged up but all in one piece. Eddie’s steps faltered as he took in the picture of his smiling partner.

“Hey,” Buck dropped the duffel bag he was carrying and gave Eddie a little wave. “I took an earlier flight when my commander looked the other direction.”

Eddie let out some kind of sound that he wasn’t even sure what it was. His brain just wasn’t working now, and he was just so surprised and happy and relieved all at once. “Hey, I’m joking…my replacement showed up a little early,” Buck frowned, not seeming to understand Eddie’s expression.

Eddie jumped down the last few stairs only narrowly missing faceplanting from it probably and found himself in Buck’s arms, not even processing the few steps it took to get there. Buck smelled like jet fuel and sweat and sand and just Buck. Eddie couldn’t believe it that he was finally back!

“I love you. I missed you,” Buck was muttering into his neck, holding on with everything he had.

Eddie wasn’t going to wait for one second longer. He cleared his throat and pulled out of Buck’s arms that didn’t want to let him go. Buck looked sad for only one second before Eddie was down on one knee pulling the necklace out of his shirt that had his St. Christopher medallion on it and the silver ring with an inset blue stone in it that Christopher had helped him pick out weeks before.

“Eddie!” Buck’s hand flew to his mouth, and he immediately teared up.

“Evan,” Eddie looked at him meaningfully. “Sketch, Buck versions 1.0 to whatever version you’re on now…Special Warfare Chief Petty Officer, firefighter, whatever you decide you may want to do in the future, even if that’s a ranch hand…will you do me the honor of spending the rest of your life with me and Chris? We want all of you, every single version…will you have us, our mess of a family? We’re yours if you’ll have us.”

“Every single day,” Buck choked out and pulled Eddie up to kiss him.

A cheer resounded throughout the station from where literally everyone was predictably spying on them from the loft. “Smile for the camera!” Chim called to them. “I’m sending this to Maddie!”

Eddie and Buck looked up and smiled. “Gimme!” Buck excitedly shoved his left hand in Eddie’s direction, clearly wanting the ring and now.

“Chris said that if it doesn’t fit to tell you it’s my fault,” Eddie joked even as the ring slid on perfectly.

“When you’re done, you both have more paperwork for this!” Bobby called out happily, getting a token groan from both men.