Chapter Text
"Do you ever get lonely?" Jesper said.
Across the room in his large armchair, Klaus raised an eyebrow in bemusement.
"I mean, uh, I know you're not totally alone up here, with the people in the workshop and the townsfolk visiting sometimes, and the reindeer of course, and I'm here a lot, obviously, but I'm just, you know...me," he trailed off meekly, his accompanying laughter soft and nervous.
Christmas preparations were complete for the year and they both sat in front of the fire at Klaus's cabin, sipping hot cider–with a little something extra that Klaus had added to their cups with a wink. Jesper tried to ignore the fluttering in his stomach when he winked at him but it was soon replaced by a warm and comfortable heat as he sipped his drink.
Somehow Jesper managed to talk even more when he was tipsy.
"I just meant, y'know, romantically lonely? God, I'm sorry, I don't know why I brought this up. I'm sure your wife was a wonderful woman and it's not like you can just replace someone like that and, uh, clearly you have limited options around here anyway, but I guess I was just thinking about things with me and Alva not working out and got kinda...sentimental," he said quietly, face flushed.
He’d been stumbling over his words around Klaus more frequently, as of late. But adding alcohol to the equation had sealed his fate on this particular evening.
Klaus continued gazing at him pensively, his face an inscrutable mask.
"But you're so amazing," Jesper rambled, gesturing vaguely with one hand, "and the kindest person I've ever met, and so wise, and strong, and I wish there was someone who could give you the kind of companionship you deserve. Assuming that's something you'd, uh, want for yourself, obviously, and if you didn't want it that would, of course, be fine because there's nothing wrong with that," he finished at last, forcing himself to shut up as he gulped down the remaining spiked cider.
He shifted his gaze from his empty cup to Klaus's face.
After a moment Klaus took a deep breath and Jesper’s focus shifted to his mouth, licking his own lips without thinking about it. This was bad. Maybe he should remove himself from this situation before he could make an even bigger ass of himself.
He glanced away from Klaus's face towards the window, where large snowflakes were drifting steadily to the ground below. He stood and began adjusting his postman’s hat, suddenly filled with a growing anxiety in his gut that could not be blamed on his drink.
"Oh darn, would you look at that, it's really starting to come down. I'd better get going unless I want to get stranded in a snowbank and I'm forced to eat my horse for sustenance. Although, admittedly, the horse would probably eat me first. I don't know why I'm rambling about eating horses, I couldn't do it anyway, I'd just let him eat me, I'm that kind of guy," he finished, laughing somewhat hysterically and fidgeting with the buttons on his coat.
Klaus rose from his chair and walked calmly over to stand in front of Jesper, his kind face illuminated by the fire. Patient, sturdy hands rose to pull Jesper's fingers away from his coat buttons. For a moment Jesper's mind went blank as Klaus's large (oh my god , so large) hands settled over the fastenings.
"You're not going to stay very warm with your buttons in the wrong openings," he chuckled softly, unbuttoning them and lining each one up with its respective mate.
Jesper stared at him openly, breath caught in his throat. He had always loved Klaus's deep voice and hearing it so closely while Klaus was touching him was almost too much.
He smelled like fresh pine and woodsmoke and it was heavenly .
I am in way over my head , Jesper thought absentmindedly. A little alcohol and he was acting like a lovesick schoolboy. He knew there was no chance that Klaus would return his feelings, but a small part of him ( the spoiled, selfish part ) still wanted as much of him as he could get. So if he enjoyed these tiny moments more than Klaus knew, well, no harm done. Right?
"Although," Klaus continued softly, meeting his gaze, "you don't need to ride back in this kind of weather. You are more than welcome to stay overnight if conditions ever take a turn."
His hands still rested softly on Jesper's shoulders. Jesper spent slightly longer than necessary processing his words, lost in his gaze.
"It's completely up to you, of course," Klaus added with a small smile, finally moving away from Jesper and turning to add another log to the fireplace.
Jesper continued to stand there ( like an idiot ) for another moment before blurting, " Yes , of course, good idea, very sensible, was only half-joking about the horse eating me."
Klaus turned back toward him with a chuckle.
"Good, good. I worry about you out there in the elements," he said, hand brushing against Jesper's shoulder again as he began to walk past him.
"Let me grab some blankets. Would you like a cup of tea?"
"Yes, thank you," Jesper managed to respond in a reasonable time frame. "That would be lovely," he added, more softly.
"Of course," Klaus said, still smiling.
God, his smile.
Jesper was already regretting his acceptance of the offer to stay over. Why did he have to be such a sap? A sap that couldn’t hold his liquor.
It's alright , he reasoned with a sigh, massaging his neck. They'd have a cup of tea, he'd sober up, spend a night on the floor in front of the fireplace trying to pretend that the sheets and blankets weren't full of Klaus's scent, probably have a lovely breakfast, leave Klaus's home (regretfully), ride back to town, finally arrive at his own (empty) house, and then proceed to spend half a day in bed desperately touching himself while muffling his cries into several pillows.
That was fine. He was an adult and he would deal with his problems the normal way: using copious amounts of masturbation to prevent yourself from doing something incredibly stupid, like ruining the relationship with your closest friend.
Of course, now that he had stopped pretending that the large, older men ( with a strong yet gentle touch ) in his fantasies were anyone other than the obvious person in his life who fit that description, Jesper had been paying more attention to...certain details about Klaus.
Because once he had stopped deluding himself and came to terms with the fact that he had a crush on Klaus, he couldn't stop thinking about it. About him. About them, together. Intimately.
Working closely with the other man for more than a year had given Jesper plenty of insight into Klaus's personality and mannerisms, but this aspect of him was still a mystery. Jesper wondered how he'd react in bed. Was he gentle but dominating? Would he only do it in the missionary position with the lights off? What noises would he make if Jesper knelt in front of him and (slowly and methodically) studied every inch of his cock with his tongue (and god , if it was proportionate in size to the rest of him)–
He was jolted out of his fantasy by Klaus's steady footfall as he re-entered the room, carrying a tray of tea on one hand and a rather obscene number of linens and blankets under his other arm.
Jesper coughed and subtly tried to adjust his pants as Klaus set the tray onto the table before placing the blankets in a neat pile near the hearth – a safe enough distance from the fire that no errant sparks would catch but close enough that they'd be warm and toasty when Jesper settled down to sleep.
I want to marry him , Jesper thought absently.
"It never fails to impress me when you do that," he said instead, eyes lingering on Klaus's exposed forearms. "I manage to spill half of my tea just walking from my kitchen to the bedroom–and on a fairly regular basis, mind you."
Klaus chucked softly as he handed Jesper his steaming mug.
"And then you spill the other half on the bed, I assume?" he replied with a wink, sinking back into his armchair.
What is with all the winking tonight , Jesper bemoaned internally.
" Excuse me, sir, my bed is a sanctum of cleanliness," Jesper murmured, sipping his tea and letting out a tiny sigh of contentment. One milk, three sugars. Perfect.
"Mmm," Klaus replied noncommittally, a small smirk still lingering at the corner of his mouth.
Jesper's gaze fell upon the hearth and they settled into comfortable silence for a few minutes as they sipped their tea. The fire crackled and Jesper could almost hear the soft snowfall just outside the window.
Who knows , supplied his traitorous (and still slightly inebriated) brain. Maybe the snow won't let up. Maybe you'll be stuck here for a few days. What will you possibly do to pass the time?
Jesper's imagination had plenty of helpful ideas. Most of them involved him and Klaus, and Klaus's bed, or maybe they wouldn't even make it to the bed and Klaus would spread him open and take him apart right there in front of the fireplace–
"It is something I think about, you know," Klaus began, his voice soft. Jesper impressed himself by not jumping out of his skin. He turned to look at Klaus, gently setting his mug down.
"Sorry?"
"You asked if I was lonely," Klaus replied, hands clasped around his mug as he gazed at the fire. "I think about it sometimes. I have so many more people in my life now, and most of them are friends," he said as his gaze shifted back to Jesper, a warm smile blooming across his face.
Jesper couldn't help but feel the corners of his mouth upturn.
Klaus’s smile faded a bit as he took another sip of tea, his gaze dropping.
"But you're right. I don't have that kind of companionship anymore. I thought after Lydia... I felt I would not be able to find such a thing again, nor did I truly believe I would want to."
Jesper continued watching him, the fire crackling in the silence.
"But lately, I am not sure," Klaus said, more softly. He took a slow sip from his mug.
"Not sure?"
"If I am truly better off being alone," Klaus said.
Jesper felt his stomach fluttering ever so slightly and mentally kicked himself.
"Oh!" Jesper responded with (hopefully believable) enthusiasm. "Well, I was honest when I said the pickings are slim around here but I have heard tell of people seeking romantic partnership exchanging correspondence through the mail and getting to know each other long distance. I'm sure I could find out more, if you're interested," he said with a grin that probably didn't reach his eyes.
"Mmm," Klaus replied again, gaze falling once more upon the fire.
Jesper was secretly pleased at the lukewarm reaction to his suggestion but mostly felt like an idiot for bringing up the topic in the first place. It pained him to hear that his friend actually desired romantic companionship, for multiple reasons.
"It is not really a matter of distance, I think," Klaus continued, voice low and even.
Jesper suspected that the alcohol had mostly worn off but, even so, it still felt like his brain was acting a bit slow.
"Not a matter of distance? I'm not sure if I'd find any of the Ellingboes or Krums up to your standards, if I'm being perfectly honest," Jesper continued, wincing at the thought. "Although, perhaps one of the lovely, talented Sami women has caught your eye?"
"No, no, nothing like that," Klaus said with a sigh, beginning to stand from the chair with his now empty mug in hand.
"Well, that's good," Jesper replied, absentmindedly lifting his arm to pass his own mug to Klaus's outstretched hand. "I mean, I'd like to think that if anyone in this backwater hamlet had gained your affections I would know about it."
Klaus hesitated as he closed his hand around Jesper's mug. Jesper turned his gaze up to Klaus's face with a blink.
Klaus brushed his fingers against Jesper's ever so slightly, holding his gaze. But the moment ended as suddenly as it began and Klaus walked off, presumably to the kitchen.
Jesper remained staring into the space that his friend's face had occupied long after he had left the room, the gears in his brain slowly turning.
Something was off. Jesper had been mostly joking when he started naming off groups of local townsfolk but who was left, then, except–
Alva. Of course.
What an idiot I am , he thought, his face crestfallen. Alva visited Klaus almost as often as he did, and she was clearly beautiful and intelligent and funny. All the things that attracted Jesper to her, initially.
Once he had stopped deluding himself of the notion that he wasn't in love with his best friend, he had gently ended things with her before they could get messier. She didn't blame him–he was already spending most of his free time working on expansion projects with Klaus, and the school had more children joining every semester. Neither of them really had time for a relationship (or so they told themselves). They were still friends, of course.
Well, Jesper didn't know if Klaus was really her type, but he didn't want their past entanglement to prevent his friend from finding companionship.
Suddenly feeling very tired but wanting to rip the bandage off quickly, so to speak, he padded his way over to the kitchen. He paused at the entrance of the room, gazing at Klaus's back with a soft expression. He stood at the sink, fiddling with the dishes and humming a sweet, if sad, melody. Jesper couldn't bear to see him unhappy.
Might as well get this over with.
He cleared his throat as he entered the room, leaning awkwardly against the table.
"You know, Klaus, I wanted to apologize. It seems like I've been an idiot."
Klaus seemed to pause at Jesper's words, the damp towel he was holding limp in his hands. He turned off the faucet and the room was suddenly filled with silence.
"Oh?" he replied, noncommittal. He remained facing away from Jesper as he idly wiped the towel against a plate in his other hand.
Jesper’s nails dug into the wood of the table as he steeled himself with a deep breath.
"I feel like I've been completely blind when it was so obvious what you wanted, and I've been preventing you from seeking your own happiness in the process," he said, trying to sound upbeat despite the sadness pooling in his chest.
Klaus set the towel and plate down on the countertop and finally turned to face him.
His face was an inscrutable mask once more.
"Jesper, forgive me, but I ask that you speak plainly," Klaus replied, arms crossed over his wide chest.
So much for ripping the bandage off quickly, he bemoaned internally.
"Sorry, it's just–Alva. If you're interested in her, it's totally not a problem! We're just friends now and she's a great woman. Not sure if she's into older men, but I still think you have a shot," he finished with a tired grin.
Klaus remained standing with his arms crossed, expression unchanged except for a slight furrow in his brows.
"Alva," he finally replied, voice even. "You think I'm interested in Alva?"
Jesper's feeble mind was thrown for another loop.
"Well, yes, you said there was–” Jesper scrubbed his face in frustration. “Sorry, do you actually have someone in the..." he gestured vaguely, "general vicinity that you're interested in? Romantically? Did I misinterpret something?"
"Not that it's any of your business, but yes, I do," Klaus replied evasively, turning once more to open his cupboards and methodically put clean dishes into their proper homes.
His words stung Jesper. He nearly took a step back, as if recoiling from a slap to the face.
"None of my business? I didn't assume it was my business , I just–we're friends, Klaus!" He threw up his hands in exasperation. "Best friends, even, or at least I thought so. Perhaps you don't feel the same way. I guess I just assumed that if you felt that way for someone then you might want to share it with me. Even if you didn't think you had a chance and just wanted to commiserate! Clearly I don't have a winning track record, myself," he said with a small huff.
"I'm not sure if that's wise," Klaus replied softly. He sounded very tired.
Jesper was trying his absolute best not to take this confusing conversation personally.
"Why? I mean–damn. Listen, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. You don't have to share every detail of your life with me. You know I love the sound of my own voice and I really don't expect you to match my enthusiasm for the spoken word. But I am here for you, you know," Jesper finished quietly.
Klaus's head slumped down slightly as he stood facing the sink, hands gripping the edge of the countertop.
"I just can't, Jesper. Please understand."
Jesper sighed and wished for a moment that he had a little more alcohol to soften the pain.
He turned and idly glanced at the clock before plastering another tight smile onto his face, despite the fact that Klaus still faced away from him.
"Alright, alright, I get it! A man deserves his privacy. I'll go make up my bed for the evening and leave you to do your washing and drying and whatever else commoners have to deal with when they can't afford servants," Jesper said.
Klaus let a quiet huff of a laugh escape at that and Jesper's smile widened genuinely for a moment. He would always adore the gratification of making him laugh.
Jesper turned to leave the kitchen with a sigh.
"Look, just know that I think any lady in town would be lucky to have you," he said, gesturing broadly with one arm.
"Who said it was a lady?" Klaus responded, a slight hint of aggravation bleeding into his voice.
Oh, fuck , was the first thought in Jesper's mind. He had definitely screwed this one up.
Then it hit him.
"Mogens?" Jesper spluttered as he dramatically spun back around, eyes widening in disbelief. "Klaus, for the love of all that is holy, please tell me you do not have feelings for Mogens !" he continued incredulously.
Klaus barked a laugh this time, dragging a hand over his face in clear exasperation.
" Not Mogens. Please drop this, Jesper," he replied shortly, pulling the kitchen curtains closed with more force than seemed necessary for the task.
Jesper's irritation spiked.
"Well, then who in the hell –" he started, before stopping abruptly.
Oh God, it couldn’t be–no, not possible.
But maybe, maybe possible, whispered his traitorous mind. Jesper wasn't sure which option was worse.
"It's not–" Jesper started, heart racing as he paused. It wasn’t often that he was left at a loss for words.
"Because the only other man in town I know of is me and that–that's just ridiculous, obviously," he laughed weakly.
Klaus remained silent.
Jesper was nearing peak internal hysteria.
"I'll see you in the morning," Klaus offered quietly as he turned and walked off toward the bedroom.
Jesper was left alone in the kitchen, once again staring at an empty space that Klaus had occupied.
He felt hopeful for the first time in as long as he could remember, and it was terrifying.
Jesper laid upon a pile of what must have been 10 different quilts and blankets, his head resting on a plump goose down pillow. He had been staring at one particular spot on the ceiling for the past 15 minutes, unable to entertain the thought of sleep despite the fact that he was mentally and emotionally exhausted.
But his mind raced over the conversation he and Klaus had shared no more than an hour ago.
Jesper thought Klaus had tipped a little whiskey into his cup earlier but perhaps it was some type of mushroom concoction and he had hallucinated the entire conversation.
But no , Jesper thought with another jolt of elation and anxiety. He was pretty sure it had actually happened.
Klaus had very much implied that he had romantic feelings for him.
Him. Jesper. The mailman.
He continued staring at the ceiling.
Maybe I can sneak out the window while he's sleeping , Jesper thought. Just avoid him for a week–or month? Better make it a year, let the residual embarrassment wear off and give Klaus time to come to his senses. Yes. Good.
Just as he had begun debating which window would make for an easier getaway, he heard the distinct creak of footsteps from Klaus's bedroom.
Despite the fact that he was not moving, Jesper froze and his eyes flew shut.
He listened as Klaus made his way down the stairs and stopped at the landing.
“Jesper,” he said softly, “you're a terrible liar and clearly not asleep.”
Jesper sighed as his eyes fluttered open and instinctively searched for Klaus's broad form in the light of the dying embers.
“It's true but you don't have to say it,” he mumbled in response.
Jesper thought he saw the corner of Klaus's mouth twitch but he couldn't be sure.
“So...want to talk?” Jesper offered, somewhat sheepishly.
Klaus did not reply but made his way over to the fireplace and sat down in his customary armchair with a sigh.
Jesper thought about getting up but settled for lazily rolling over until he was facing Klaus. He wrapped his arms around the pillow for moral support.
Klaus let out a deep sigh.
“Jesper, I am sorry,” he began quietly.
Jesper didn't think he'd ever met someone who could leave him at a loss for words so easily. It was almost a superpower.
“I was incredibly rude to you this evening,” Klaus continued, “and for that I apologize. I overreacted.”
Jesper’s brow furrowed slightly.
“What? That's–no, look, I was honest about what I said earlier. You don't have to share everything with me. I shouldn't have pried,” Jesper said, sitting up slightly.
“No,” Klaus replied swiftly.
Jesper blinked at him.
“You are my closest friend, Jesper,” he continued, his voice softening. “It has pained me to keep such feelings from you. But I only acted in such a way because I thought...”
The stillness of the night filled the room.
“I was afraid I might lose you, if you were to understand the true nature of my feelings for you,” he finished, voice barely above a whisper.
An ember popped in the fireplace.
Jesper didn’t recall leaving his spot on the floor or walking over to Klaus but soon found himself standing in front of the larger man, who lifted his gaze to meet his own in the dying light. The look on his face twisted something painful in Jesper’s gut.
He opened his mouth to respond, to tell Klaus how much he meant to him, that his feelings were not unrequited, that Klaus deserved so much better–
“Oh, hell,” he whispered instead, leaning forward to brush his mouth softly against Klaus’s.
For a moment he was lost in the sensation. Klaus was still beneath him, and silent bare the slightest gasp of an exhale just before their lips met.
Jesper leaned back, suddenly aware of his actions. His heart threatened to leap out of his throat.
“Oh, hell ,” he repeated and made to turn away. “I’m sorry, I absolutely should not have–”
Klaus grasped one large hand around his wrist. Jesper couldn’t help the tiny noise that escaped his mouth, jerking back to face him but making no effort to pull away.
He hated how much this was turning him on.
“Jesper,” Klaus said, his gaze lowered.
“Yes?” he responded, a whisper.
“I’m old enough to deal with my feelings on my own–I don’t need you acting out of pity,” he said, voice low and even.
Jesper had heard quite enough. He barked a laugh, which was apparently not the reaction that Klaus had expected.
“Pity?” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Pity. You think this is pity ? I mean–Christ. This is me we’re talking about: the completely unremarkable spoiled little rich boy turned mediocre failure of a mailman who accidentally tripped his way into doing something good with his life, despite my best efforts!”
Klaus seemed stunned to silence, still loosely holding onto Jesper’s wrist as the younger man gesticulated wildly with his other arm.
“You didn’t have to go along with anything! I barged into your life and dragged you into the mess I made and somehow…” Jesper had to swallow the lump in his throat, suddenly overwhelmed. “Somehow you changed me. And now I have a purpose, a home. And it was all because of you. All of it. Everything I have, I have because of you,” Jesper said, voice shaking.
“So,” he continued, “why do you find it so hard to believe that after all that, that I might–”
Jesper’s watery gaze met Klaus’s.
“Is it so hard to believe that maybe I fell a little bit in love with you, somewhere along the way?” he finished, his voice a whisper.