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This was supposed to be simple. Thinks Talia. This was supposed to be easy and simple.
But nooooo, right? Nothing can ever be simple when her Father drags her out of her bed at three in the morning because he cooked up another foolish plan. Talia stayed in the penthouse doing absolutely nothing except watch as her Beloved beats up her Farther. She loves her father but he deserves it for dragging her all the way to Gotham at three am.
Anyways, they crash through the window and Talia continues eating her popcorn as she watches them fight. Shirtless. of course it had to be shitless, because they always have to one up each other’s abs, no? disgusting.
Although she does like the look of her Beloved with no shirt, this is getting ridiculous.
Anyways, Talia is about to call it a day and drag her Father out of poor Wayne’s city when the crazy ass scientist that works under them went ballistic and shot his rays. To the batfamily, this makes her immediately stand up. That little shit hit her son!
Her heart drops when she stares at Robin’s clothes, no robins in sight. She runs in the middle of Batman and Ra’s al Ghul’s fight who have not noticed yet the damn bat family turned to nothing except clothes.
They are about to scold her like they always do, go away! we’re fighting! When she pushes Bruce with the strength of a goddamn bus.
“TALIA WHAT GIVES?!” Bruce can’t believe she just knocked him five meters away, she crushed him worse than Ra’s ever can. He wheezes, not even Bane has thrown him that hard.
Talia even flips her Father three times like a damn pizza. Ra’s is… Ra’s is bewildered, astonished, he curses in six different ancient dialects before his face pales.
Bruce watches all of this with such a surprised face, and then his heart stops. “My- my children!”
Now, Batman has never lost his shit before, but he almost throws up when he sees just the clothes of his vigilante children. He crawls on his own vomit and lifts Nightwing’s suit up, and he breathes from relief as he lays eyes on a baby.
Talia from her pov all but collapses with her baby Damian in her arms. “Father.” Her voice sounds straight from hell.
“Yes daughter?” Ra’s looks like a small chibi now.
“I think it’s time I put you in the retirement home,”
Bruce growls and says, “are you just noticing! you should’ve done that years ago.”
Ra’s al Ghul stands up, “You have no right! I am Ra’s al-” Talia sends him a death glare that looks a lot like Melisande’s. Ra's voice trails off and he says, “wait….”
“Wait no-!”
And that’s how Ra’s al Ghul is fired from the League of Assassins by Talia al Ghul. Talia and Bruce watch him in the retirement home.
“Talia?”
“Yes Beloved?” She says sheepishly. Bruce grabs her by the shoulders and says,
“You owe me 18 years of babysitting.”
“And you owe me child support-”
And that’s how Talia was all but jailed to Wayne Manor with a million babies because of course Bruce ‘can’t keep his legs close and stop popping out children.’ There is even a new baby she doesn’t even know who that is. Was she even there when the baby ray hit? Anyways, Talia disgusted sighs for the millionth time that day because another baby shat itself.
No wonder Bruce always gets them when they’re eight.
Bruce and Talia wrap the babies like burritos and place them in the middle of the bed. Great, now they can’t even link their miserable feet, they have to sleep three feet apart from each other. Which they never do.
There is a tense silence until baby Richard starts his yet again chorus of cries, but this time, “ba-b-ba”
Bruce bolts from the sheets and wakes up the half asleep Talia. “WHAT! I haven’t gotten an hour of sleep I swear to God Bruce if you want the foot rubies again I’ll-”
“He’s about to say his first word!” Bruce picks up the baby and with an excited glint in his eye says, “Come on Dick, say Ba-ba, Ba-ba!”
Talia says, “No, say Ma-ma, Ma-ma-” Bruce frowns and tells her, “You’re not even his Mother!”
“Who cares! I ain’t letting you never let the kid live it down for the rest of his life. I’m doing him a favor. Else when he comes back to his normal self, Jason won’t stop teasing him about the fact he called you Baba!” Bruce stops, damn it, it’s true. Jason will have a field day if he gets news of this. Bruce quickly thinks of something, “And so what? I want my title thank you very much, now, say Ba-ba,”
“Batman!”
They both bleach. Did- did the kid just say Batman?
Bruce looks up at Talia, expecting her to laugh or say it was a fluke, but instead he finds her staring with wide eyes. He slowly turns the baby around in his arms, gently swaying him to keep him quiet.
"Uh," He stutters because for once, The Batman is at a loss for words. "Dick repeat that. Can you say ba-ba?
“Batman!”
Batman blinks as he listens to the baby repeat the word that came out of his mouth. Of all the things, of all the words this baby could have said, he said Batman. How is he able to say that difficult word? He's only three months old for fuck’s sake.
"Again," he commanded angrily. "Again!"
“Your baby will ought your identity,” Talia is trying not to double and laugh.
"You're not helping!" Bruce hisses as the baby in his arms keeps repeating the name of his secret identity. He turns to Talia, who's fighting back her own smile and is failing, "Stop smiling!" Bruce wants to cry.
Talia kisses him on the cheek, “This means you don’t get to show him off at functions and galas.” That makes Bruce groan.
The media found out. Because of course they had to find out. The next morning, headlines in every newspaper and media outlet had the same headline.
'Wayne heir's first word: Batman!'
Bruce had hoped for baby babble, or 'dada', but no, Dickie's first word had to be an insult to the secret identity that he had worked so hard to protect. Talia beside him says, “This is a problem.”
She doesn’t have to tell him twice, Bruce can feel his hair going greyer by the minute. He needs to come out and say something… a gala! Yes, a gala to explain why this baby is calling for Batman.
But how should he spin this? Dammit, Jason and Stephanie are practically his PR, so…
he calls Stephanie, who says,
“How is it going with the diapers Bruce?” He already regrets calling her.
“I need your help.”
“I’m not cleaning after Damian’s dirty diapers.” Bruce sighs, “that’s not what I meant.”
Stephanie says, “What do you need help with then? You can buy nannies like Tim’s parents did for him.” The jab doesn’t go unnoticed by Bruce, he rolls his eyes.
“Look, the Dick baby keeps calling me Batman.” Stephanie widens her eyes and says, “Oh that’s not…” she trails off. What a way for Bruce to be discovered.
“Exactly. So can you hurry up and give me a PR statement.”
Stephanie grins. “What about… Batman found the baby abandoned and he took care of it until he finally gave it back to Brucie Wayne.”
Bruce’s jaw opens. “I’m not a deadbeat who left his kid abandoned on the streets of Gotham.” Talia frowns and looks at him from where she’s dodging a baby Damian pissing straight at her.
Stephanie says, “You’re out of luck then B-man.”
Bruce slaps his face and groans. “Fine. Just tell me what to say.”
The next morning Talia is in clutches with bandages all over her body. “This better work Bruce or we’re not having sex until the next year.” Bruce wants to cry again.
Either way he steels himself and walks up the podium. He can feel Clark dressed as Batman wanting to laugh. If that boy scout dares to crack even the tiniest small, Bruce will stuff his ass with kryptonite.
The reporters keep taking photos and the flashes are burning his retinas. God, thank god he never dared give a press conference as Batman or his white lenses would be ruined in a matter of seconds. And Clark’s trashy version of the Batsuit can easily be replaced.
He puts on his best Brucie act and speaks into the microphone. “My baby, my poor baby and-” shit he didn’t think this through. No one knows this baby is baby Dick. “My poor new wife-” chaos erupts, Bruce tries his hardest to ignore it while he knows Talia is smirking behind him. “My poor new wife that I definitely did not marry years ago, and our baby,” he coughs twice, “was in a car accident. My gratitude to… err, Mr. Batman here for taking care of my baby until my wife was found.”
Clark steals the microphone, dressed as Batman. Bruce is about to stuff his mouth with kryptonite because Batman never, ever, talks to the media. All Clark says is, “Mmmh.” A confirming growl and the Gothamites go ballistic. Bruce steals the microphone back and says, “That’s all, thank you.” Dismayed only a grunt from her knight brought Gotham to her knees.
Crisis averted aside, Bruce now has another one. Now Gotham thinks he has a new baby. God he should’ve said he was fostering, but then the adoption agency would have demanded him to return the baby because of his negligence.
Now he’s trying to bathe Jason who doesn’t stop splashing water everywhere. Talia says, “Look at how cute he is, yes you are so cute!”
The baby giggles and Bruce should’ve melted, really, if it weren’t because the baby is splashing water at him. He murmurs under his breath, “Ha, ha, very funny Jason.”
“Even as a baby he knows who his target is.” Talia comments and Bruce wants to crawl under a hole and die. Jason detests him so much that even a part of his baby brain wants to attack Bruce for no reason. Great, just great.
“B-b-r-br-br-rrr” Bruce’s eyes immediately widen and he grins. Because no way, right? Is Jason going to be the one to say his name? It’s not Baba or Dada, but it’s something.
Bruce immediately drops the cloth he had been using in favor of fully turning his attention to the baby in the baby bath, grinning as he does. "Come on Baby Jay," he coaxes softly.
"You can do it, repeat what I'm saying. Bruce, Bru-ce, Can you say Bruce, Baby Jay?" But of course, the universe hates him that much. Jason blurts out "Bread!"
Bruce's hopeful smile is wiped off his face as he feels his limbs slack with disappointment and desillusion. "Bread," he deadpans.
"You just said bread," he muttered. Seriously? The baby just said bread? This wasn't even fair. Why didn’t he say his name? Br-br-bruce! It was so goddamn close! It doesn’t help that Talia snickers in the background.
How did bread become so important in the baby's mind that they would say it as their next word? And then it hits him that even baby Jason was starved. Bruce’s heart just breaks into a million pieces and his face drops. He looks down at the innocent baby in his lap, completely oblivious to his own hardships.
How many times did Jason go hungry to have bread be his first word?
Bruce squeezes baby Jason to his chest, he has to purse his lips from making wounded sounds. His heart clenched because this isn’t fair, his baby got starved, he got starved and Bruce was not there to protect him. He snarls, wanting to tear apart the system that would make a baby starve. “Tell Alfred to call Leslie and make an organization for babies.”
Talia hears him loud and clear. She can’t help but feel bad when she stares at his fallen face. The man is taking this to heart. Anyone would when it comes to a starved baby. Much more your own baby. She herself is gripping with the situation. The baby was starved enough for him to fantasize about bread so much. Babies this young don’t even eat bread, they drink milk. Her heart squeezes again.
They both look at each other. Talia can see him fighting back tears. It’s shocking to see him falling apart. Bruce looks at Talia and the woman looks defeated in a way she never does. Slumped on the floor kneeling, the splashed water staining her lovely green dress. They don't say anything.
There is a tense silence as they clean everything.
After everything is clean, Bruce swallows the lump in his throat as he gently rubs baby Jason's head and says, "You like bread, huh, pal?" he asks softly.
Talia pats Bruce’s back and she softly murmurs, “I will buy him all the bread he wants.” Her words remind Bruce of when she gifted him an oreo company because he kept bitching about the stores running out of oreos.
Talia hugs them both, like a snake coiled on her precious eggs, the baby then burps slightly and the tension is broken with laughter.
Laughter that only lasts for a few seconds before the suffocating tense silence returns. Bruce leans into Talia’s hug as he shakes, not with coldness but with emotions.
This isn’t fair.
“Mr. Wayne! Mr. Wayne! Is the new organization related to your new son!”
“Mr. Wayne, how will the fortune be divided with nine children-”
“Mr. Wayne! How is it possible to have two babies one after the other! A daughter and now-”
Bruce whispers to Talia, “silence the last reporter.” Talia nods, she walks away. Bruce enters the event with baby Timmy. People think he’s baby Dick because of the whole first word ‘Batman!’ scandal. Anyways, he sighs as he carefully steps down the stairs.
Tim’s nanny recognizes him and Tim screams “Nanny!” His little arms stretched towards her. Bruce's heart skips a beat when he studies the baby's face. It's crunched up in a crying face but the sobs don't come out. Instead there is a desperate panic cry from the baby.
The socialites turn to commotion. Bruce looks at Talia and she shrugs. His eyes then find Tim's “nanny.” The nanny hesitates, her face barely twitching as Tim’s cries grow louder.
She doesn’t rush to him. Instead, she stays where she is. Her hands stiff at her sides, her expression cold and annoyed. It’s almost as if she’s reluctant to pay attention to baby Tim.
Bruce frowns. Talia must have noticed it because she whispers in his ear, “She is his nanny? She doesn't like him.” They both watch the ex-nanny’s discomfort.
Perhaps it's because the woman doesn't work anymore as Tim's nanny. But both Bruce and Talia still have great relationships with their caregivers. So it does hurt a little to watch Tim's nanny ignore the little guy.
“Mr. Wayne… is that… is that Tim?” The nany's words are surprised and cold. “You should err, calm him down.” They notice how the nanny keeps her distance. There's no warmth in her touch, no familiarity or tenderness in her voice. It's all mechanical, as if she's going through the motions of a professional.
Bruce knows something is wrong now with this woman. This isn’t the care a child should get from someone they’ve turned to for comfort. The ex-nanny looks at Tim like he's a worm. A burden. This isn’t the bond of a motherly figure.
Talia leans in slightly. “She was definitely not a good nanny to him, Bruce.” Bruce can't help but agree.
“I understand.” Bruce says coldly to the woman who dares look relieved. She smiles with all her teeth and says, “babies are demanding creatures Mr. Wayne.”
She speaks of Tim like a specimen. Like something to care for but not love.
Talia's face darkens and she pushes Bruce past the nanny. Tim's cries are still echoing as they turn away.
Talia picks up the baby instead and she holds him close to her. She kisses his forehead and she tries to soothe the baby by rocking him back and forth. Bruce protectively places an arm around them. He turns to the nanny who trails her eyes in disgust.
Bruce then stills, things crashing down on him. Talia quickly finds his face and demands, “what? What's wrong?”
“His first word was nanny.”
They both deflate.
“Poor baby.” Talia wraps him even more against her.
After the disappointing situation with Tim's nanny, Talia spends more time with the poor baby. This baby that was neglected every time his Mother wasn't home. She coos at him and baby Tim laughs.
He even has a better complexion now. His once yellow cheeks are ruby red now. And his eyes look warmer, more at ease. Talia is playing peek and boo when she hears a-
“Talia!”
She freezes.
That was her son.
Her son who’s first words were Mama in arabic. So imagine her surprise when Damian screamed her name.
Bruce, who had been standing near the door, steps forward slowly, his face unreadable. "Did he... did he just say your name?" he asks, a note of surprise in his voice.
Damian doesn’t cry out again. He doesn’t need to. His eyes never leave her, and there’s a vulnerability there that Talia hadn’t seen before, something raw and desperate. It hits her harder than she would have expected.
“Damian…” she whispers, setting Tim down in the bassinet beside her. She rises from the chair, moving towards her son with hesitant steps. But Damian doesn't move to greet her. Instead, he turns his head away, his tiny hands gripping the edge of a nearby table as if trying to hold onto something solid.
Bruce picks Damian up and Damian hides his tiny face on Bruce’s neck. Is he… is he jealous?
Talia’s eyes soften. “He’s not used to not getting my entire attention.”
Oh
She was so focused on comforting Tim after the nanny incident that she hadn’t realized how much it had hurt Damian to see the shift.
Finally, she reaches out and gently places her hand on Damian’s, guiding him into her arms. She hugs him close, feeling the weight of his small body against her, and whispers, “My darling baby, you will always be my first priority.”
Bruce watches this sight. The one that was denied to him long ago. He could’ve had his baby and Talia like this. Safe in his home. Damian should’ve been raised here. Talia should’ve stayed here. He’s secretly glad for that criminal who turned his children into babies.
Because otherwise he wouldn’t have this picture.
He smiles as sits with Talia and Damian. The baby falls asleep on both of the arms.
Everything feels right now.
“Bruce, have you seen my collar?” Talia swears she left it on the table.
Bruce, sitting on the couch with Helena in his lap, looks up from the book he was pretending to read. He glances around the room, but there's no sign of Talia’s collar. Ancient collar with magic or something. "I haven’t seen it, Talia. Maybe you left it in our room?” Bruce flips another page ignoring how Helena bites the book.
Before Talia can turn back to look, Helena giggles, her baby teeth biting on the collar rather than the book.
The sparkle of the diamonds catching her eye. "Diamooond!" she says, her voice high-pitched and delighted, the word spilling out as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
Both Talia and Bruce freeze. The word "diamond" is unmistakable. Talia’s mouth drops open in surprise, her eyes wide as she looks down at the baby. Bruce, equally stunned, chuckles in disbelief.
Talia has to sit down for this one. “She- she said diamond.” Bruce hiding his face giggles out, “I can’t believe this.”
"Helena... you said 'diamond'?" he asks, as if questioning whether their daughter really just uttered a word so sophisticated. She said it again this time with more glee. Talia shakes her head. “I guess it’s her collar now.”
“She stole it from you.” Bruce chuckles deep and rich. “Just like her Momma.”
Talia sits down and picks up the baby. She puts the collar on her. “You think she can choke on it?” She’s unsure if the small baby should possess a collar she can easily break.
Bruce takes away the collar from the baby. “I think it’s best to hold on to it until she is old enough to not choke.” Talia nods in agreement.
“I said what!” Dick mortified shrieks. “B please tell me Gotham doesn’t know you’re Batman.” Dick is beyond embarrassed. He’s seen the footage from the media. Baby him apparently called Bruce Batman.
Jason laughs at him until Talia pulls him aside and says, “Your first word was bread.” Then he has tears in his eyes. Talia pats his back. “It’s ok Jason, my Beloved bought you a bread factory- who he then gifted to the orphanages.”
“He- he did that for me?” Jason is conflicted. His relationship with Bruce is strained at best. But the man still took care of him as a baby. There was no doubt Talia would care for baby him. He’s already been cared for by her at his lowest. He silently nods at Bruce. A silent agreement between them. It seems his old man still cares. And that’s enough for Jason.
Tim for his part is quiet. He sits far away from the group. His heart twists again. Tim knew deep down she did not care. But to see the footage of his nanny staring at him in disgust freezes his heart. He clenches his fists. This is not fair. Why does everyone else get caregivers who still love them years after they quit, but Tim’s nanny dislikes him still?
Talia presses a hand on his shoulder. A silent support Tim didn’t know he needed. At first he… he wasn’t sure what to make of Talia. He only knew her as Bruce’s wife. But the way she soothed baby him- the way she cared-
Tim’s own hands find her, surprising them both. And he squeezes her hand. “Thank you.” His voice is small and vulnerable. But he hopes she understands that she gave him something he much needed. A little bit of care. And for that he is grateful.
Talia then steels herself because Damian hasn’t stopped glaring at her since he turned back to his normal self. “I see you’re following Father’s footsteps Mother.” His words are bitter, and they come out before he can compose himself with his usual veneer of coldness.
But how can he when his Mother went around caring for everyone but leaving him to rust on a corner? She should’ve pulled Grandfather out of his retirement home so at least someone paid attention to him.
Damian often struggled with being his Father’s forgotten son. The last one. The one that came after a line of sons already bonded with Father. Of living among expectations and activities already ingrained in the family by others. And now? His own Mother betrayed him by choosing them. He turns away when his Mother attempts to hug him.
“Give him time Talia.” Bruce whispers in her ear. Then he kisses her to comfort her. “He’ll come around.” Talia nods while hugging herself with her arms. Perhaps her son is right. She chose the others because they were alone and hurt. And she lost sight of what was important to her. Damian was also a baby. And he also needed her just like the others.
“And what was her first word?” Jason pulls them out of their sorrow.
“Diamond.” Bruce replies with a sigh and deadpan. “It was diamond.”
The room erupts into a screaming match.