Chapter Text
Wade's struggled with anorexia on and off since he was a child- sorry, did he say struggled? He means flirted with! This relationship was far more toxic than Harley Quinn and The Joker, and that's saying something. If you were to ask Wade, Poison Ivy is a much better match for her. But wait, that's DC! This is Marvel.
"Wow! I think that exceeds the limit of DC references I'm allowed to make in my own movies," Wade chimes in because he can. It's a story about him, after all, isn't it?
Wade, like a fool, thought he was past it for good some time after moving away from his parents (they should be nominated for the Parents of the Year award, by the way! It's why he was so eager to get away from them) Life was kind of decent by then, turned better when he met Vanessa, then went back to bad again when he got cancer — you know how the story goes. Still, it hadn't shown signs of returning despite any of that.
"I hope you, dear reader, have watched Deadpool 1, Deadpool 2, and my personal favorite addition: Deadpool & Wolverine! Oh- who am I kidding? Of course you have. I don't know what you'd be doing here otherwise. Anyways, carrying on without any interruptions this time,"
It didn't matter now. It was good times for a change - yes, a reference to Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want by The Smiths - better than good, as a matter of fact. He's felt more alive than he has in ages. He has his dearly beloved husband, Logan Howlett (did Wade mention he's the love of his life? After saving the world together four years ago while listening to Madonna together, it seemed like a pretty fitting title for him.), and their oh-so-precious daughter, Mary Puppins, to thank for that. They lived in their own home now, and Wade loved it all - there's a warmth inside unlike anything Wade had known before. Was it the sheer domesticity of everything that made Wade feel like he was living his own WandaVision-esque life, except it's only the sitcom part and no chaos magic involved? How Wade would cook meals for Logan and himself and find genuine enjoyment in doing so — not to mention the surprise hugs he'd receive from Logan. It took him forever to let go; though Wade didn't mind, nor did he mind when he heard the pitter-patter of Mary coming into the kitchen, staring up at them and taking full advantage of her cuteness to get any scraps she possibly could. Or maybe the heater was responsible for the unusual warmth. Yeah, it had to be the heater. Wade made a mental note to himself to tell Logan he needed to get that checked. Wade's past was nothing more than a series of distant, faraway memories, and it should've stayed exactly that. Well, during a mercenary gig he took recently, he came across a kid whose household bore an uncanny resemblance to his own when Wade was just a child — an abusive alcoholic father and a mother who turned a blind eye to it all — he killed the bastards and took the kid to the X-Mansion; it was one of the only safe places his messed up brain could think of. Anywhere else, and the kid would've ended up in foster care, and Wade's heard far too many horror stories of children landing in worse situations than they were in prior to try and risk another one being told. For all he knew, it could've escalated to another Russell situation if he hadn't settled on the X-Mansion. Yeesh.
Now, this is the part where you ask how any of this relates to his relapse. Good question. Seeing that kid brought him back memories - memories, and with them, feelings he had originally worked so hard to shove down. It inevitably came back to bite him in the butt when he saw the look on the kid's face: scared, desperate for someone to come and save you. Wade knew and understood it all too painfully well from first-hand experience. It haunted him for the rest of the day. He tried so hard to distract himself when he got home by chattering away to Logan, who listened to him in a surprisingly fond manner, about useless knowledge he had on Sanrio and My Little Pony characters. He was pretty sure he caught the faintest hint of a smile from Logan when he went into a deep, thorough explanation of why My Melody and Kuromi were literally them, so that was a win. Any idea that came to mind, he acted upon. He even went so far as to blast Hole songs- what? Listening to Courtney Love scream out the emotions you can't is therapeutic. You should try it sometime if you haven't already.
It did little to nothing to help him forget what he witnessed earlier that day, nor did it help much with the memories and feelings that came swarming back. Since his usual tactics didn't work for him, he resorted to his next best bet: sleeping it off. He just needed time to regroup - that's all. He would feel better in no time; he always did. He always bounced back somehow. It was a trait Logan told Wade he admired. Logan's praise was always something he cherished, sought out, craved. There was an ache deep within him, one Wade believes only Logan is capable of soothing, but Wade's lovesickness remains a story for another day.
One day of trying to sleep it away then turned into two, three, four, five, six, and seven — a full week.
During the time, Wade didn't have the motivation to do much, and eating was completely thrown out of the equation. Rookie mistake.
Old habits die hard. The comfort of being on an empty stomach once again was...something he'd missed. It was something familiar. It wasn't good or healthy by any means whatsoever; then again, when was anything he did considered remotely healthy? He remembered that during his childhood, it was one of the only things he actually felt like he had control over in his life.
He probably should have taken it as a warning sign rather than allowing it to go any further and reach the tipping point of the iceberg. Why couldn't it be like Club Penguin instead, where the iceberg would flip over and reveal a dance floor and a bin of those free 'Iceberg Tipper' hats? Wade would absolutely take one and wear it with pride, too, if you were curious.
Logan did wake him up a couple of times, asking if he wanted anything to eat, saying they could order something if he wanted - how nice! At the same time, while it meant everything to Wade, he felt awful whenever he received a sliver of care from him. It was something Wade doesn't think he can ever get used to, no matter how hard he tries. He couldn't bring himself to with Vanessa, and he certainly can't now.
Care was an unfamiliar thing to him, something he felt as if he was undeserving of. Yes, Wade cared a great heck of a lot for others, more than he probably should, but was he worthy of it himself?
Wade came up with excuses each time Logan asked him and hoped that eventually, Logan would stop getting on his case. He never did. It killed him inside to see those expressions filled with concern on Logan's face directed solely toward him. Back then, Wade had no one. It was so easy to do this type of thing without worrying he was potentially harming someone he loved and cared for so dearly in the process - just himself. He figured if he did it long enough, he'd die at some point - get the sweet satisfaction of release he yearned for from the hellhole he was trapped in.
The difference between now and then is that Wade can't die, thanks to his healing factor. He's not even sure if he wants to anymore; all he knows is the thought of not seeing Logan's mostly brooding self or Mary and her freakishly long tongue anymore was one that brought him dread and one big no thank you from him.
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Wade found himself walking home with Mary from a trip to the convenience store after waking up at the grand hour of 5 AM and finally decided he'd do something instead of snoozing around, which was odd considering he wasn't known for being a morning person. He felt a little lightheaded and unsteady on both the walk there and back, but it wasn't anything he couldn't handle, and he managed to find a familiar sense of solace again, albeit twisted, in the feeling. He purchased a chocolate bar for himself; if we're taking a trip back to the past, might as well get the full experience! Chocolate was a comfort food of his, right alongside chimichangas. He has a fuzzy memory of there being a restaurant not far from his old childhood house (it was a house, not a home) he'd go to every now and then to get them - the nice old lady who worked there going so far as to give him free extras sometimes because, according to her, 'he was too thin'. Bless her heart. He may have been thin, but it wasn't enough. He put in maximum effort time after time, and it was never enough. He was never enough.
He also remembers questioning himself about his 'unconventional' choice in comfort foods: Did he really have an eating disorder if he ate these? Maybe his mother was right. He was conjuring everything up in his head, and things weren't as bad as he was making them out to be. But eating disorders aren't exactly rational and vary from person to person. Wade didn't find that one out until he stumbled upon an anonymous community on the internet who battled against the same issue he did.
He looked down at Mary with a half-hearted, almost somber smile on his face — the pup was so blissfully unaware. It's enough to make Wade start feeling guilty all over again. He doesn't deserve any of the good things in his life; he's going to taint every single last one of them with his permanently dirty hands. He could wash them until they're raw and bleeding, and it wouldn't change a thing; they'd remain disgustingly filthy and ruined like the rest of him.
"Oh, my sweet girl, Papa's missed you. Sorry I haven't been taking you on walks." He scooped her up into his arms and continued, "It's a good thing we have Daddy to take over, isn't it? I hope you haven't started preferring him over me!"
Wade was the Papa. Logan was the Daddy. No further citation needed there.
Mary wagged her tail, giving Wade a few licks on his face and making him laugh. "Nope. Good to know I'm still the favorite parent." Although Wade knew she loved both of her papas equally. He kissed her on the head before carefully placing her back down on the floor again, continuing their walk back to the apartment. It was still pretty early, meaning Logan would probably be asleep for awhile longer. Perfect.
Wade knows Logan's more observant than most, and while Wade loves that about his peanut next to everything else — it's cliché, sure, but Wade's part of the rare few who can say something like that about their partner and genuinely mean it — he finds it to be a curse at times too. Whenever something was slightly awry, Logan could tell. Meaning Wade would have to deal with Logan addressing the elephant in the room at some point, and trust Wade, it wasn't something he was looking forward to. It was enough seeing those expressions of his already, and he doesn't really want to imagine what it'll be like when Logan finds out.
He didn't expect it to be so soon. Too soon.