Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

season one

the rest

The dripping of the water made her feel ill. Nina Lee Miller could hear the moaning of the dead inching closer to them. Her bat had splinters pressing themselves into her fingers, blood dripping down her arms.

“I'm tired,” Annette whimpered. Her little hands gripped a far too big lead pipe. Bright blue eyes filled with tears. Her little sister did not deserve this world. With her two greasy blonde and pink pigtails, her long-since-dead light-up sketchers, and her little kid's Gap dress, Nina longed for her life before because being a mother was difficult—and definitely not for her. 

“We need the food, baby. We’re almost there. We just need-” Julian's hand rushed to her mouth. The moaning intensified. She felt the cold air rush in as several walkers ran into the building. Annette shook so violently, Nina was afraid her sister would drop the pipe. 

“Don’t make a single sound,” Julian whispered. His brown eyes are almost black in the dim lighting of the bank. Julian's overgrown bangs brushed his nose. Her big brother wanted to be an astronaut. Not some sort of zombie killer. Nina watched her brother load his gun with stolen bullets. Out of the three of them, Nina was the killer. Not Julian, and certainly not Annette.

That's when a zombie burst through the door. It was loud and big and Nina might have pissed herself. Annette swung first. Julian raised his gun, while Nina hit its arms. The gunshot rang through the building, bouncing off every nook and cranny. 

Julian took a shaky breath. Nina knew all her brother wanted to do was let everything out. She had been studying his behavior for the last couple of weeks, and she knew it was only a matter of time before his body was going to let out all his pent-up frustration and anger eventually. 

“Hello?” A deep and clearly Southern voice called. “Anyone?” Heavy footsteps inched closer to the now-open door. Annette stuck her head out. Nina quickly pulled her back inside. It could be one of those traffickers Norah had told them about. The ones that traffic young women and children for sex, organs, and labor. She’d rather they take her over Annette. Annette had a brighter future than her anyway.

Julian stepped into the hallway, shoulders rigid. He raised the gun once again. Her brother is a zombie killer. Killer . That name didn’t belong to Julian. It shouldn’t belong to Julian. “Who are you?”

“My name is Rick Grimes.” Julian tilted his head. “I'm lost. I just want to find my wife and my son-”

“And why do you think we know where they are? We have been on our own for weeks. The only people we have come into contact with recently have been killed by zombies.”

The man stepped into range. Nina could kill him. This could all be a trick. She pushed Annette behind her. The man was white with gray hair mixed in with brown. He wore a sheriff's uniform. Law enforcement. 

Who the hell even was this guy?

“We?”

Annette peeked her head out of the door again. Nina was ready to grab her hand and start running like no tomorrow. 

“Hello Mr Policeman,” Annette giggled. She extended a hand to the strange man. Stranger danger was nonexistent to Annette. Nina stared at the man. He looked sickly and withered. She found herself scanning the man for bite marks. Not a single open wound in sight.

“Kids?” the man asked, clearly surprised to see them. Julian stood in front of Nina, making himself seem like the bigger person. That wasn’t who Julian was. Julian preferred walks on the beach, and reruns of old 90s cartoons. “What the hell?”

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Julian did not trust the strange white man in a police uniform. He held onto his gun firmly, hoping not a single zombie would bother the group as they marched forward. They needed to get out of the city. It belonged to the dead now. His main focus was to leave the city, find somewhere safe for Nina and Annette, and live out the rest of their lives safely. 

“How old are you kids even?” Nina looked up at the man, Rick.

“I'm fifteen. Annette's eleven, and Julian's sixteen," Nina replied. She danced around corpses and bones and human waste. Annette hummed a tune under her breath. Julian could close his eyes and pretend that they were on a Sunday walk around the neighborhood back in Virginia. Annette would be feeding the ducks, while Nina would be crocheting some blankets for their grandmother. And Julian would be beside her, reading the latest news from Nasa. 

But that world - that life - was in the past now. And all that mattered to Julian was that his sisters lived to see another day. All they had to do was leave this god-forsaken city behind them. 

“Where are y’all’s parents?” Rick asked, walking to Julian’s left.

“Dead,” Nina grumbled. Her voice was scratchy and void of emotion. “Died at the hotel we were staying at when it got overrun. Adopted all of us.”

Rick gave them all a pitiful look. Julian couldn’t care less about the look of pity on Rick's face. He was forever grateful for the people that adopted him. Saved him from the system that was going to chew him up and swallow him whole. “We survived though, and we will continue doing so. As soon as we leave this city, we’ll find you a weapon and send you on your way, sir.”

Rick chuckled. “Y’all are polite and I respect that, but I think we should travel together. My wife and son are out there and I know they’re safe. We could protect you all-”

“Let me stop you right there, man.” Nina frowned. “We are doing great on our own, and I truly appreciate the sentiment. But we don’t need your pity. Thank you for the offer, truly.”

The clicking and moaning started again. Julian shivered, feeling sick all of a sudden. He loaded the gun with the last of the bullets he had. Two days ago, he had one hundred and twenty-seven bullets. Now? He had less than fifteen. Rick picked up a huge sheet of metal.

“Hold on!” Rick yelled. He looked around, frowning as he realized they were surrounded by the dead. He raised his gun, hand on his head to hold his hat. “I'll get y’all away. I just gotta find a good place for y’all.”

Annette screamed. Over a dozen zombies stormed forward. Annette shouldn’t be here was Julian's first thought. He needed to bring his baby sisters away from the fight. Julian cocked his gun, removing the safety. Annette stayed sandwiched between him and Nina. 

“There's a tank not too far from where we are right now. We can make it there and be safe from the walkers for a little bit." All Julian heard was safe. He put the safety back on the gun. He picked his sister up and hoisted her on his back. Annette tightened her grip on his sweater. The star sweater from H&M that Mr Miller had bought him right before Julian went off to space camp one summer was stained with blood, sweat, and various other stains he couldn’t quite place. 

“We’re surrounded by these freaks of nature,” Nina yelped. Her bat was covered in blood, brains, and guts. “We gotta run or we’ll get ripped apart. And I can promise you I ain’t a five-star meal.”

“How good of a shot are you?” Rick asked. Julian blinked.

“I know my way around a gun. I'm a pretty good shot.” That seemed to satisfy Rick. The older man nodded toward Nina and Annette. Julian could get them to the tank. He got this. 

A walker began to charge at Nina. Julian made eye contact with Nina. His sister was not a violent person per se. She’d shared her first and really only violent experience with him when they’d just met. That was two years ago. That was before . Before, she was a swimmer. A ballerina in the ocean.  

She raised her bat and swung. Her dark eyes were wide and panicked. “God,” Nina muttered. Her shoulders were rigid. Annette whimpered. Even if she’d seen horror after horror, Julian forgot for a second that Annette was a child. 

They clamored into the tank. Julian grabbed Nina by the arm and pulled her in tight. Annette rested in his lap, pressing her face into his shoulder. He ran a hand through Nina’s hair, the tangled and greasy dark hair tough around his fingers.

The corpse groaned and Rick placed a gun to its mouth. The metal clattered onto the floor. Instantly, Annette began to cry. Julian was never much help in these situations. He could never fully understand people in tears or other strong emotional responses like that. Julian hated this. He hated the world they were cursed to live in. If this was punishment for ruining his mother’s life, Julian was willing to accept it. 

Nina panted, her breathing fast and her black hair clung to her forehead. “Fuck,” was all that escaped Nina’s lips. “We’re gonna die, aren’t we?” 

Her voice was hushed as she looked over at Julian with wide eyes. She scooted over to where she was leaning her head on his shoulder. Annette curled into a ball in Julian’s lap, sobs ringing through the metallic walls of the tank. This is it , Julian thought to himself. They were going to die in a tank with a total fucking stranger. 

Rick put his head in his hands, shakily staring at the grenade in the now totally dead soldier’s hand. “I’m sorry,” he whispered to them. “I really am.”

Then another voice joined them. 

“Hey, are you alive in there?” Julian looked up as Annette finished sobbing. Rick jumped up, grabbing the radio. He clutched it tight in his hands.  Annette closed her eyes as Julian joined Rick at the radio. Nina began to hum, rocking Annette back and forth. “There you are. You had me wondering.”

Rick looked around. He looked terrified. Glad to see someone feeling what they were. “Where are you? Outside? Can you see us right now?”

The man on the radio made a sound that sounded vaguely like nodding your head. “Yeah, I can see you. You're surrounded by walkers. That's the bad news.”

Julian pressed his lips together, running a hand through his hair. “Is there good news?”

“No.” Well, that was great. 

Rick grabbed the radio from Julian’s hand, gripping the wall of the tank with a shaking hand. “Listen, whoever you are, I don't mind telling you I'm a little concerned in here.”

The man on the radio whistled. “Oh, man. You should see it from over here. You’d be having a major freak-out.” Jokes on whoever this guy was because Julian was one more zombie away from having an insane panic attack. 

Rick touched Julian’s shoulder, and Julian hated how his heart left into his chest. “Got any advice for us?” Then the man on the radio suggested they run. He was fucking hilarious. They had a child with them, and it wasn’t like they could avoid being seen by the zombies. They were attracted to sound, and sight, and god, it was like a very bad video game. 

“My way's not as dumb as it sounds. You've got eyes on the outside here. There's one geek still up on the tank but the others have climbed down and joined the feeding frenzy where the horse went down. With me so far?” Julian’s eyes widened and he mouthed: you had a horse ? Rick nodded. “Okay, the street on the other side of the tank is less crowded. If you move now while they're distracted, you stand a chance. Got ammo?”  

Julian shook his box of bullets. Barely enough to kill enough dead guys until they were in a safe enough range. Rick had a bag of guns outside, but they couldn’t grab it without being mulled. The man on the radio said it was a bad idea too. They only had a bat, two guns, and a fucking dream. Rick grabbed the grenade from the dead soldier, and tucked it into his pocket, put his finger to his lips, and Julian fought the urge to vomit all over him. 

“I've got a Beretta with one clip, 15 rounds.”

The man on the radio chuckled. “Make 'em count. Jump off the right side of the tank, keep going in that direction. There's an alley up the street, maybe 50 yards. Be there.” Annette and Nina stood up, wiping their tears. His sisters, his entire world, held hands as they readied themselves to run. 

“Hey, what's your nam—”

“Have you been listening? You're running out of time.”

Julian kissed the barrel of his gun, letting Rick go first. Annette would go in between Julian and Nina, and they would be fine. Everything would be fine. Rick fired at eight zombies, yelling at them to keep going. 

Rick almost shot a man’s face off, before realizing he was alive. Julian grabbed Annette’s hand, pressing his lips together. Annette was shaking. Nina followed them, her face covered in blood. She looked terrifying. Julian squeezed her hand, bringing her back to reality. 

They followed the man from the radio down an alley, climbing up a ladder. Annette whined about her hands hurting, and Julian wanted to cry. Sometimes, he couldn’t explain his emotions. Emotions just kind of happened and he never knew how to deal with them. 

Radio man had way too much energy for Julian. Everyone looked down at the influx of dead people grabbing at the ladder. Annette hid behind Nina, who was still so silent. Julian always felt uneasy when she went silent. It was a scary moment where Julian saw what other people saw. 

“Nice moves there, Clint Eastwood and co,” Radio man mused. He ruffled Nina’s hair, which snapped her back to reality. Nina flinched, almost dropping her bat. “You, the new sheriff, come riding in to clean up the town?”

Rick looked around, scratching the top of his head. “It wasn’t my intention.”

Julian knew it was only a matter of time before the dead found a way to kill them. He wasn’t sure why he trusted Rick, or even Radio Man for that matter. He shouldn’t trust someone he didn’t know intimately, but these men were good. They had to be good. How many bad men could there possibly be in this world anymore?

“Yeah, whatever. Yeehaw. You’re still a dumbass.”

Rick sighed, extending his hand. “Rick.” He glanced at the trio, who blinked at him. “Julian, do you want to introduce yourself?”

Julian pointed at himself, his mouth locked shut. Nina sighed, looking up at the sky. “That’s Julian. I’m Nina and this cutie is Annette. Nice to meet you,” she said, not offering her hand. “Are we just gonna stand here, or actually do something?” Radio Man said his name was Glenn. He was also Korean. 

 “Are you the one that barricaded the alley?” Rick asked, cutting through the tension Nina had put there. 

Glenn shrugged. “Somebody did… I guess when the city got overrun. Whoever did it was thinking not many geeks would get through.” He climbed up to the roof of the building. Annette hugged Julian when he made it up. It was such a depressing view. Julian was reminded this was the end of the world.

Glenn took out a walkie-talkie. “ I'm back. Got four guests plus four geeks in the alley.” The small group followed Glenn down another staircase, where two zombies had been waiting for them. Two men of Black and Hispanic descent came out, swinging at the dead. Glenn motioned for them to follow him, and Nina made sure to push both Julian and Annette into the building.

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The minute Nina stepped into the building, she was reminded why she hated socializing so much. She leaned against the wall, watching everyone talk. Julian was right behind Rick, almost trailing after him like a lost puppy. There they were ambushed by a group, and Rick had some white woman pointing a gun at Rick’s face. 

The white woman hadn’t even taken the safety off of the gun. What an amateur.  “You son of a bitch. We ought to kill  you.” Julian and Nina shared a look. Her brother looked mortified by the implication that they’d walked into a trap. 

The Hispanic man sighed, raising his hands. “Just chill out, Andrea. Back off.” One man told her to calm down, which made her upset. Nina was half convinced this woman was insane. “Ease up? You're kidding me, right? We're dead because of these stupid assholes.” She shook her head. “We're dead… All of us… Because of you .”

Rick shook his own head, looking around in confusion. Nina put Annette behind her, giving her sister time to hide. “I don't understand.”

The Hispanic man pinched the bridge of his nose. “Look, we came into the city to scavenge supplies. You know what the key to scavenging is?” Julian narrowed his eyes, and Nina knew this was just bullshit.  “Surviving! You know the key to surviving? Sneaking in and out, tiptoeing. Not shooting up the streets like it’s the O.K. Corral!” 

What the fuck was an O.K. Corral?

The bald Black man groaned. “Every geek for miles around heard you popping off rounds.”

The white woman sighed. “You just rang the dinner bell.”

Rick glanced back at the doors, where zombies had been growling, Julian was at Nina’s side in an instant, firmly gripping her forearm. Rick went on, talking about a helicopter. Fucking psycho. There was no helicopter. There was no way out. People were either prey or predators now, and no one was getting out safe. 

“Do we leave them and find somewhere else to go?” Julian whispered, glancing down at Annette, who was fiddling with a doll she’d found. “They have no leader.”

Nina pressed her lips together. “Not everyone can be Norah,” she pointed out. Norah fucking Riley and her insane group of feral women and children. “They have people and they have weapons. That should be enough, I guess.”

“Stay,” Annette hummed, poking Julian’s stomach. Julian gave her a gentle smile, ruffling her hair. Annette tilted her head. “We should stay.”

“What’s the verdict, captain?” Nina asked, hand resting on her hip. Julian watched them argue about the helicopter and the other survivors allegedly in their group. 

“We stay.”

Nina hated how Julian’s tone sounded. 

Then a gunshot went off.

The white woman groaned, tugging on a strand of her own hair. “Oh, fuck . Is that Dixon?” Nina and the others followed the sound up the stairs, where a strange man was shooting zombies. Was he stupid? Did he not know about the rules of their new lives? Then again, men like that were stupid fucking idiots.

The Black man huffed. “Hey, Dixon, are you crazy?” The man kept laughing and laughing and laughing. Nina gripped the handle of her bat tighter, and she wanted to bash his head in. 

“Hey! Y'all be more polite to a man with a gun! Huh? Ah! Only common sense.” This man turned around, laughing at the surrounding people. 

“He’s crazy, isn’t he?” Annette asked, tugging on Nina’s shirt. Nina nodded. This guy was batshit insane. 

The black man rolled his eyes. “Man, you wasting bullets we ain't even got! And you're bringing even more of them down on our ass! Man, just chill.”

“Hey! Bad enough I've got this taco-bender on my ass all day. Now I'm gonna take orders from you?” Oh, this guy was a nutjob. What was his name again? Merle? “I don't think so, bro. That'll be the day.”

"That'll be the day"? You got something you want to tell me?”

Nina’s jaw hit the ground. She used to instigate fights as a kid, hell, she was in them all the time, but she really didn’t want to see a racist get his shit rocked right now. They were on a roof, and there were zombies everywhere. But, because the universe hates her, they began to fight. Julian made sure to stand in front of Annette and Nina, and sometimes, Nina despised how he would just put himself in danger for her. 

Merle put a gun to the black man’s head. “ Yeah! All right! We're gonna have ourselves a little powwow, huh? Talk about who's in charge. I vote me. Anybody else? Huh? Democracy time, y'all. Show of hands, huh? All in favor? Huh? Come on. Let's see 'em. Oh, come on. All in favor? Yeah. That's good. Now that means I'm the boss, right? Yeah. Anybody else? Hmm? Anybody?” He glanced at Nina and her siblings, grinning. “Or we can ask Mulan and Shang-Chi over there about it?”

Rick stepped forward, whacking Merle in the head with a pipe. He handcuffed Merle to a pipe while the man began to scream and ask who the hell this guy was.  Rick sighed. “Officer friendly. Look here, Merle. Things are different now. There are no” — Nina covered Annette’s ears — “anymore. No dumb-as-shit, inbred white-trash fools either. Only dark meat and white meat. There's us and the dead. We survive this by pulling together, not apart.

Merle spat at him. Nina admired his ability to be an idiot. “Screw you, man.”

“I can see you make a habit of missing the point.”

Nina contemplated shooting Merle in the head with her brother’s gun.

“Ought to be polite to a man with a gun.” Rick cocked his gun to Merle’s face. “Only common sense,” Merle screamed about how Rick was a cop, and that it wasn’t right. “ All I am anymore is a man looking for his wife and son. Anybody that gets in the way of that is gonna lose. I'll give you a moment to think about that. Got some on your nose there.”

“What are you gonna do? Arrest me?” He laughed another Joker-level laugh. Slowly, Rick began to leave the roof, making everyone follow after him. “Hey! What are you doing? Man, that was my stuff! Hey! If I get loose, you'd better pray… Yeah, you hear me, you pig?! You hear me?!” 

Rick turned, tilting his head. “Yeah, your voice carries.”

They left Merle on the rooftop, and Annette asked if he would die there. Julian said there are some people you can’t save, and Merle deserved everything he ever got. The woman, Andrea, kept bugging Julian about their identities. 

“You’re kids,” she exclaimed, as if that wasn’t obvious enough. “What’re you doing without protection?”

Julian blinked, clearly overstimulated by everything that was happening. “I have a gun, and she has a bat. We have protection.” He grabbed a squishball from the stand, and another sweater fr Annette, who slipped it on with joy on her face. She ran to the jewelry section, making Julian chase after her.

The zombies outside the door, banging on the glass. Nina knew they had a very limited amount of time before they found a way into the store. These freaks were good at ruining plans. Andrea said it looked like Times Square, and Nina couldn’t help but agree. The signal on the black man’s machine, which she learned was named T-Dog, was also weak. Nothing was working. 

They elected to check the sewers, but there was no way to check. They were trapped in a mall with a racist and a bunch of adults who were pessimistic as hell. One man said older buildings often had tunnels underneath the building, leading to the sewers. 

They ended up in the fucking basement. Julian hated the dark, but it seemed to be a recent thing. He used to love the dark, but Nina had watched him slowly grow mortified by the whispers of the world void of light. Nina held his hand, and Annette held hers. It was like a train. 

Glenn swallowed, adjusting his hate. “I really scoped this place out the other times I was here. It's the only thing in the building that goes down. But I've never gone down it. Who'd want to, right?” Everyone stared at him. “Oh, great.”

Andrea gave him a reassuring look. “We’ll be right behind you.”

“No, you won't. Not you.” Andrea looked offended, which is when Glenn backtracked his words. Rick urged him to speak his mind. “: Look, until now I always came here by myself… In and out, grab a few things… No problem. The first time I bring a group… Everything goes to hell. No offense. If you want me to go down this gnarly hole, fine… But only if we do it my way. It's tight down there. If I run into something and have to get out quick, I don't want you all jammed up behind me and getting me killed. I'll take one person… Not you either. You've got Merle's gun and I've seen you shoot. I'd feel better if you were out in that store watching those doors, covering our ass. And you've got the only other gun, so you should go with him. You be my wingman. Jacqui stays here. Something happens, yell down to us, get us back up here in a hurry.”

Annette shook her head. Her eleven-year-old sister grabbed the flashlight from Rick’s hand. “I’ll go.” Nina wished she could’ve taken a picture of Julian’s face. He looked terrified at the thought of sending Annette down, as did the rest of the group. “I’m faster than Morales. I’ll go with Glenn.”

“We’re not sending a child—” Jacqui said, grabbing the flashlight from Annette’s hand. She stomped on his shoe, rolling her eyes. 

“Old people are slow,” she said, pulling it back from Jacqui. “I don’t need to be babysat. I’ll run in and out, just like Sonic.” Julian touched Annette’s shoulders, kneeling down to look at her. Annette gave him a big smile. “I’ll be back and Glenn will be okay. I’ll be okay.”

“You can’t be serious,” Andrea scoffed. “She’s seven —”

“She’s going,” Nina said, hands on her hips. “She is faster than all of you. Annette will go with Glenn. So shut up, and let them go.” She had personal issues with adults, and it had followed her from her childhood to now. She couldn’t stand condescending adults, with their pity smiles and their eyes tainted with sin. 

Annette squeezed Nina’s hand and disappeared down the ladder. Nina pretended to ignore Julian’s panicked eyes and just leaned her head on his shoulder. They followed the rest of the group back into the main area. Nina looked at the jewelry on display. She was never big on jewels, but the Millers loved buying her them. She had diamond earrings, and necklaces with all her favorite colors. Nina picked at the blank charm bracelet, grabbing a few charms. She tucked them into her pocket, not caring that there was a literal cop in their group. 

“You’ve been staring at that lipstick for five minutes now,” Morales pointed out, smiling at her. “Take it. My wife asked me to get her one and I don’t know much about colors.”

“Your wife asked for lipstick in the middle of the end of the world?” Nina asked, tilting her head. She stared at an eyeliner pencil, tucking that into her hoodie pocket. “She’s got her priorities straight.”

Morales chuckled, staring at a nude brown lipstick. “Damn right.”

The glass shattered, and Nina’s legs turned to jelly. Julian was beside her in an instant, chewing on a pack of chips. He looked confused, almost lost. Nina pointed, fiddling for her bat. Glenn and Annette returned, out of breath. Rick began to shoot. 

“What did you find down there?”

Annette frowned. “Not an exit.”

Andrea groaned, throwing her head back. “We need to find a way out…soon…”

And like clockwork, they were back on that damn roof. Annette was fiddling with the doll she had taken, tucking it into her backpack. Her little My Little Pony backpack with the little star charms that used to light up. They had to lose the batteries or they risked being seen at night. 

Rick said there was a construction site near them. He wanted to use the truck from there to get them away from everything. It was way too far, and Nina knew it was a suicide mission. There was no way they were making it past the dead people roaming the street. 

“You could distract them,” Julian pointed out. He chewed on his thumb nail, narrowing his eyes. “A corpse or something. They were feeding on your horse, right, Rick?”

Rick nodded. “They're drawn by sound, right?”

Julian was muttering to himself, trying to figure something out. Glenn leaned over the edge, glancing down at all the dead people. “Right, like dogs. They hear a sound, they come.”

The zombies were like living people, except you know, dead . They had all five senses, which made them a freaking menace. Nina remembered when Julian came back with medication, how he’d put dead animals all over the door so that none of the dead would find them. Julian had figured out what Rick was realizing right now.

Rick made them gather supplies, pushing away the dead. Annette got to use a bat, just like Nina’s. They let Annette play with some toys while they formulated a plan. Thank God her little sister enjoyed toys still, or else this would’ve ended badly. 

Glenn groaned. “If bad ideas were an Olympic event, this would take the gold.”

Morales nodded, rubbing his face. “He's right. Just stop, okay? Take some time to think this through.”

Rick shook his head, and Nina wanted to tear out her hair. Was he even listening to himself? Julian was silent, watching Rick work. He was supposed to go outside with T-Dog and kill a zombie. Nina almost went, but Rick insisted that she be better for the rest of his plan. She was supposed to keep watch , and make sure everyone was accounted for. 

Her brother and T-Dog returned with a zombie, and it was disgusting. Julian’s face was covered in blood, but he didn’t even blink. He tossed the body on the ground with the help of T-Dog, rolling his eyes. 

Rick grabbed the fire axe, and everyone put on a trench coat. Annette was instructed by the others to look away, but she just leaned on Nina’s hip, watching as Rick started chopping the already dead man to pieces. Nina should’ve been grossed out, maybe shed a few tears, but she didn’t. She couldn’t cry. She had killed someone once, and there would be no way in hell that she’d cry for someone she never knew.

“Wayne Dunlap,” Rick began, reading off of the license he’d just pulled from the corpse’s wallet. Georgia license. Born in 1979. He had $28 in his pocket when he died…and a picture of a pretty girl. "With love, from Rachel." He used to be like us… Worrying about bills or the rent or the Super Bowl. If I ever find my family, I'm gonna tell them about Wayne.”

Glenn leaned over, reading the words. “One more thing… He was an organ donor.”

They grew silent watching as Rick began to cut out organs. Julian covered Annette’s eyes, and then Nina, gripped her brother’s hand. They stood there in silence, watching organs be pulled from the inside of a dead man. 

Nina decided to join Rick and Glenn on their death march. She was faster than the two men, and she also was good at this whole ‘murder the dead’ thing they had going on. Oh, and she also had the common sense of three men put together. Obviously, she was the best choice for the job. 

Now, she smelled like shit. Nina had never smelled this bad in her entire life, and this was genuinely the worst experience in her life thus far. She was holding her bat close to her, dragging it on the ground. Some of the zombies had bricks and stuff in their hands, so it was no surprise that she had something in her hand. 

She stuck close to Glenn and Rick, spitting on the ground. The zombies briefly looked at them, but Nina knew the smell was enough to keep them guessing. Shuffling through Atlanta with dead guts hanging from her was probably something that belonged in a Six Flags Fright Fest commercial. 

“It’s gonna work. I can’t believe it.” Nina needed everyone to shut up.

“Shut up,” she whispered, shivering as one of the zombies grazed her shoulders. She felt a droplet hit her nose and she froze. “It’s raining.” 

Glenn turned to stare at her, chewing on his bottom lip. Rick motioned for them to keep going. While Rick and Glenn continue to shuffle down the street, rain starts to fall on them. Slowly, the guts began to wash off of them, and Nina knew it was only a matter of time before the dead realized the trio wasn’t one of them. The zombies shoved Nina, and she resisted the urge to shove back. 

Glenn flinched as one of the dead’s mouths grazed his cheek. “The smell's washing off. Isn't it? Is it washing off?” Rick wanted to argue, but the liver that was dangling from his shoulder fell to the ground. Nina raised her bat and swung. 

She used to be a damn good softball player back in the day, and this was part of her routine. She ran, not looking back at the bodies piling up. Her brother and sister were there. She wasn’t going to die because of this.  Nina tossed her bat over the fence, waiting for the men. She screamed as one grabbed her hair, only for Rick to kill it with ease. She barely mustered a quick thank you before they got into the truck. She watched as they came from all angles, and she had to remind herself that she could handle this. 

There were zombies all over the damn place. Nina could see corpses as far as her eyes would let her. Nina chewed on the handle of her bat, anxiously staring at the bodies. Glenn touched her shoulder and for some reason, she let him. 

Nina can’t tell you what happened in the next ten minutes. All she remembered was opening the door as the rest of that group entered the truck. She hugged Annette tightly, feeling Julian rest his head on her shoulder. He was shaking, and all she could feel was acceptance. She was home.

Chapter Text

The truck ride was bumpy and Julian hadn’t stopped tapping his fingers on his upper thigh. He was happy. They were going to civilization, away from the cruel city of Atlanta. The others in the back of the truck had been ignoring them for a while, deep in conversation about leaving Merle chained to the roof. (Julian thought it was also a way to pretend they hadn’t just found them. They were the elephants in the room.)

Julian wasn’t thinking about that though. All he could think about was the fact his sisters were alive. He was going to keep his sisters safe. Nina was playing with a couple of necklaces and pieces of makeup she’d found in the store. All Julian could see was a girl who just wanted to swim and sleep. His sister didn’t deserve this life. Neither of his sisters deserved this.

“Nina,” Julian whispered. His sister looked up. She blinked, adjusting to keeping her head down, away from the light. “Do you think that we will be able to go back to normal? What if they’re trying to make the world safer to live in again?” He knew it was far-fetched, but they’d made vaccines for this kinda thing, right? There was science for this kind of shit.

“You don’t sound like a big baby. You sound like someone who's asking a genuine question," Nina sighed. She stopped fiddling with the Pandora bracelet and its many, many charms. “But there’s no government looking at poor cities overrun by walkers. They’re looking for cities with rich white folk.”

Julian knew his sister was right. But in his heart, he wished she wasn’t. They needed a cure, a cure to help the world. He wasn’t really science smart, but he sure as hell had several ideas. He wished he could help find a cure. 

“Don’t overthink this, idiot,” Nina put a hand on Julian's shoulder. Annette shifted in Nina's lap. She continued to sleep soundly, despite the roughness of the truck ride. “You’re gonna give yourself one of those stress headaches. And I have no idea if these people have enough painkillers for one of those.” 

“You’re right,” Julian rubbed his temples. He just —  he just needed a minute . A minute to just not think. No more thinking. Just silence. “Do you think they’ll welcome us? The group -  I mean. Will they consider us a burden and send us back to the city?" Julian glanced at Annette. “If they try to send us back to the city, you fight for your safety, and Annette's. Whatever happens, you stay with people. With Rick.”

“And what? Let you fend for yourself in a city full of monsters?” Nina didn’t seem mad or anything like that. Her voice was desperate. “I won't let you leave me and Annette. We have to stay together. You’re my brother. Together forever, dumbass.”

Julian chuckled. “Together forever, loser.” Nina extended a pinky in Julian's direction. He wrapped his pinky around Nina's. “I love you.”

Nina smiled at him. A big toothy grin. “I love you too.” He wrapped an arm around her. and the three of them sat in a musty old truck. The end of the world was just outside thin metal doors. He kissed the top of her head. For a moment, Julian smiled and told himself maybe the end of the world wouldn’t take away his sisters. His strong and beautiful sisters. 

“Are those children?” was the first thing that came out of Andrea’s younger sister’s mouth when she saw them. Julian wasn’t a child. It’d been years since he’d stopped being one. Julian hadn’t felt like a child since he was at least nine years old. Before his mother went insane. Before he met — He froze, shaking thoughts from his mind. Right now, he felt like he’d aged twenty years. He felt like an old man in the body of a sixteen-year-old boy. 

“I found them wandering the city, alone and almost out of any ammo,” Rick explained to the group. Julian was way too tired to mask. His entire body shook. “We’re taking them in.”

“You all can’t be older than like twelve?!” the younger blonde exclaimed. 

“God,” Nina explained. She leaned forward, using her bat as support. “One more word about us being kids and I will honestly bludgeon my own head with this thing. Give it a rest .” Julian watched her motion to the little kid leaning on Rick’s hip. “You got a kid right there, stop acting like you have never seen one before.” Nina shoved passed them, running a hand through her hair. 

Julian nodded at the adults and followed Nina. Annette bounced right after them. Sometimes, Julian thought Nina was rude but right now, he knew that Nina was in the right. He wished people would stop thinking they were children. Julian was far from being a kid.

Childhood ended on that street. In that house. With the men and woman who tortured him for days. Months. Years. Childhood hadn’t belonged to him since. 

— 💌

Julian tucked his knees toward his chest. He watched as the group conversed. The group had obviously been together for a while, making Julian feel a little out of place. Okay, not just a little. A lot out of place. It was like he was back in elementary school, playing with his little rocket he’d made out of Legos all by himself.  Julian watched Annette bond with two of the other small children at the campground. Rick’s son and a kind older woman’s daughter, Carol, if he remembered correctly. 

Nina was holding her bat in between her legs. She looked like a softball player, waiting to bat next. Her brow furrowed and her eyes narrowed in frustration. Nina didn’t particularly like help. She considered them handouts, like something given out of pity. Julian never really questioned it, but he knew it came from her personal experience with being orphaned at a young age. Julian couldn’t relate, seeing as his biological mother was alive to this very day. He’d seen her four months ago.

“So,” Shane, Rick's friend, turned to face Julian. “How did you guys find my buddy Rick?”

“We were in the bank. Trying to get back into the safe. We had camped there for around a week until Rick had shown up.”

The Korean man from earlier, Glenn, shifted nervously in his spot. “I know this sounds kinda out of pocket and stuff, but where are your parents?” Julian blinked while Nina looked down at her hands. 

Julian cleared his throat, something he’d seen several embarrassed kids do while in his math class. “Well, our adoptive parents passed away a month ago, when the initial outbreak began. Our hotel was invaded during a swim meet, and they turned instantly.” He failed to mention Norah and the other various people he’d met during this outbreak. 

The group was silent for a moment. The bigger man, Ed, tossed another leg into the fire. Shane turned to the man. “What’re you doin’?”

Ed shrugged. “I’m cold, dammit.”

“You could attract walkers with that damn fire!” Ed glared. He lounged back in his seat.

He huffed. “Fine! Take the damn thing out.” He stood up, passing by Julian. His hand grazed Julian’s shoulder, shaking the boy to his core. He was suddenly back at a very dark time in his life. He took a shaky breath. Nina was staring at him. She signed the ASL words for the sentence, Are you okay ? He nodded, rubbing his face with his hands. 

Carol and her daughter followed after Ed. He saw himself in Sophia for a moment. She hoped her father hadn’t hurt her real bad. 

“Have a good night, Carol, Sophia.” Shane waved them goodnight and returned to his spot in the group. He met Julian’s eyes and it burned. “Now tell me a little about yourselves, if you don’t mind me askin’. Y’all are among the youngest of the group if you don’t count Carl and Sophia.”

Julian shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He explained their living situation and how they hadn’t left Atlanta since this whole thing began. He told the group what he thought was good story material, though the men kept asking how he managed to protect a twelve-year-old who was practically bouncing off the wall and handling a temperamental teenage sister at the same time. 

Soon enough, the group grew to understand that Julian wasn’t going to talk about his family’s “crazy adventures.” They went to have separate conversations, leaving Julian alone with his thoughts. 

Annette crawled over to Nina, leaning on Nina’s soft hoodie. Nina brushed her fingers through Annette’s hair as she engaged in conversation with Andrea, the blonde from earlier. They seemed to be in a very interesting conversation, with even Annette joining in. Julian was far too sleepy to engage in conversation though.  

He fiddled with a keychain on his belt. Nina said he made him look cool, but it made him feel exceedingly childish right now.  Julian stared at the little rocket before squishing it in the palm of his hand. 

A woman moved to sit beside him. She had long brunette hair and a necklace of two silver rings. She had soft brown eyes, like hot chocolate. “Julian, right?” Julian nodded. He forced himself to make eye contact with the woman. “I’m Lori, Rick’s wife. I just wanted to thank you for bringing him back to me.”

“You really shouldn’t be thanking me, ma’am. I was willing to leave him there. But he offered safety and protection for my sisters.” He paused. His mouth felt like lead. “I’m glad you’re all happily together again. You have such a lovely family.”

Lori chuckled. “You’re so well-spoken for a little kid, especially a boy. My own kid won’t even call me mom sometimes.” She touched his hand. For a moment, Julian almost screamed his lungs out. But he knew she wasn’t going to harm him. Something about Lori Grimes warmed his heart. She still smelled pleasant, even though she was still sweaty. “But thank you, Julian. And if you and your sisters need anything at all, please come to me.”

Julian nodded. He wasn’t the best at accepting help. It was probably due to his years of being used for homework answers and such, but he was getting better at accepting it. “Thank you, Lori.” He fiddled with the keychain once again. Lori ruffled his hair.

“I have something you can use instead of the keychain if you need to fidget and whatnot.”

His head snapped up in surprise. Lori stood up and disappeared into her tent. Carl Grimes tilted his head before walking away from his father to stand in front of Julian. 

“Thanks for bringing my dad back.” 

Julian nodded. He was far too tired to fake a smile or pretend to seem interested. All he could think about right now was Lori Grimes looking for something for him to fidget with. It felt childish to think about something like that during a zombie apocalypse.

“Your hair is cool,” Carl pointed out.

Julian touched his head. His hair curled behind his ears, where the tips of box dye blue and red finally grew out. He’d let Annette dye it almost two years ago. It had been a random summer night. Annette was upset about something. He couldn’t quite remember what exactly.  He had bought that hair dye on the spot, rushing out to buy it right before Mr Millar could question anything. 

Annette had stained the bathroom sink for months. It still hadn't completely faded, even when they went on this trip. His sister had wanted to make him look like one of her drawings, and Julian had been going through a depressive spiral for some time. It felt nice to let his sister be around him like that. “Annette dyed it for me,” he said with a shrug. “She likes to play really intense games of dress up.” 

Lori returned with a rubix cube. Carl stared at his mother, clearly annoyed. “Glenn had found it for Carl a few days ago, but he clearly hasn’t been using it.” Julian fiddled with it, turning the sides in different directions. “Keep it, okay?” 

Julian pressed his lips together, glancing back at Nina, who was being handed blankets by Andrea. Annette was half asleep on the log, humming to herself. “Thank you,” he whispered, smiling a little. He joined his sisters under the stars, curling up as he counted each constellation that he could now see. The only good thing about the apocalypse was the stars, and every damn one he could see.

Chapter Text

Sleeping under the stars was recommended for literally everyone but Nina. she had just spent the last thirty minutes trying to pin the tent Shane had given her down. Her hands kept shaking as she hammered away. Annette was in deep conversation with Grimes’ boy and Carol’s daughter. They seemed like kind folk so she didn’t break up the conversation. Julian had taken out some of their things; a couple of personal blankets and pillows from their suitcases. They still had fresh underwear, clothes, and other toiletries to last them a little while longer. 

“Do you need any help?” a kind older man offered. He was very summery. He seemed like the voice of reason for this group, which was desperately needed. 

“Yes, please. I'm not really sure if I'm putting this into the ground right.” Nina ran a hand through her hair, wiping away sweat and grime from her face. “I think I’m just killing worms.”

“Dale. Call me Dale, sweetheart. And setting up a tent isn’t as difficult as it seems, I promise. It's the pins that are the hardest part. You gotta really nail them down or else you’ll fly away in the slightest breeze.” He hammered one of the nails into the ground. “See? Nice and secure.”

Nina smiled. She motioned for Annette to come over. Her little sister skipped over, her freckles shining in the midday sun. “Help Jules take blankets out.” Annette nodded. She ran over to help Julian, who was struggling to open a sleeping bag. 

“You and your siblings have been very resourceful these last couple of weeks,” Dale said as he got up. He was starting to remind her of Mr. Miller, who loved talking about his days hunting in the woods. “You’re smart, all of you.” Nina found herself watching how she acted right now. Dale seemed so pleasant. The urge to please him bubbled inside of her stomach, almost like a sickness you can’t get rid of.

“We've been struggling, just a little bit.” Nina wasn’t sure why she was trusting a man who she’d just met but she knew that this man was a good person. “Jule isn’t able to talk normally and Annette is so young she can’t process what’s happening for the most part.”

Julian waved at Nina while he and Annette played with some dolls. She smiled again. “You are all far too young to be living like this.” He sounded sincere, but Nina didn’t know anymore.

“We've all struggled and we’ve managed fair before this world went to shit. Me and my siblings” - she glanced at her big brother and her baby sister - “We’ve all been through crap. No one ever wants to live through that, I guess. Ruins kids to the point they can’t function properly.” She rubbed her face, only coming up to sniff her palms. They smelled like blood, sweat, and mud. It made her feel sick. 

Dale ruffled her hair, giving her a smile. He stood up to walk away, hobbling over to the Shane guy. 

“Neen,” Annette sang. Nina quickly finished pinning down the tent. She ran over, before rolling in the grass beside her siblings. Right now, it felt normal, just like the world before. She felt safe, like all the fear and worry she had only hours ago were burned away. It had disintegrated with any worry that she might not see her siblings live another day. “Let's go by the water! We can play mermaids!”

“After we finish setting up, baby. We need to set up, meet the rest of these people, and try to find a way far from the city." Annette nodded, though her green eyes were bright with confusion. “We gotta make allies, like Norah and her group. Remember them, Anna?”

Annette smiled at the thought of Norah. “I remember! Norah had the puppy!” Norah Riley and her misfits had a small dog. A pit bull. It had golden fur stained with the blood of walkers. The misfits used the animal as a guard dog. They’d been hiding in a Toys R Us for weeks before Nina and her siblings showed up. Nina wondered what had happened to that poor mutt. Did it turn like a human being, or did it continue to survive, just as she and the others did? “I miss Norah.”

Julian sat up, pulling his knees to his chest. “I miss Norah too.” Nina had never spoken about Norah with Julian. Julian was closest to that batty woman. “But I’d like to think she’s in a far better place than here.” Her brother wasn’t particularly religious. Sure they’d gone to church with the Millers and Nina was raised Jewish by a previous family, they’d never really believed in a higher power though. 

“Do you think it hurts?” Annette's innocent question sent tremors through Nina's body. When neither Julian nor Nina answered her question, Annette elaborated. “When the walkers broke in-”

“Of course it did,” Julian answered, bluntly. “But Norah and the group were strong women. They knew the risks of living in this world." Julian was being far too realistic for Nina's liking. “And I thank them every single day when I get to see you guys smiling. Because if something ever were to happen to you two, I don’t know how it’d live with myself.”

Annette touched Julian’s cheek, a pale and bony hand bright in comparison to Julian’s tanned and grimy skin. “Nothing is gonna happen to us. I swear to it.” His voice was firm, almost deadly as he spoke. Her brother never sounded like this, rarely ever in fact. He wasn't a rough person—that just wasn’t who he was.

Nina often considered herself the black sheep of the Miller family. She was the one with the criminal history. Annette was far too young to commit crimes, and Julian was a walking domestic abuse charge. Nina had a dead man under her belt, and she had plenty of intentions of keeping Julian and Annette’s hands clean.

She knew there was nothing she could do if one of her siblings killed someone. But she would be damned if she didn’t try and avoid it. Julian sighed, sitting up. He looked up just as someone screamed. Nina tripped as she stood up, flinching. “What the fuck was that?”

Annette was already running to grab Nina’s bat, which had been tucked into their tent. Nina walked in front of her siblings, narrowing her eyes for the worst. Zombies? Murder? Kidnapping? Julian’s eyes were wide and he looked shaken. Nina would not let anyone harm her family. 

Carl had seen a dead guy eating a deer carcass. Nina watched Annette squat down, tilting her head as she stared at it. “Ew,” was all Annette said.

The zombie jumped up, and the men started to beat it to death…again. Dale finished it off, chopping its head off with an axe. “It's the first one we've had up here. They never come this far up the mountain.”

Jim, a white man with a funny accent, pinched the bridge of his nose. Nina didn’t like him much. He gave off nutjob vibes. “Well, they're running out of food in the city, that's what.”

The branches cracked and snapped and everyone fucking jumped. Nina turned and honest to god, almost shit her fucking pants. 

Chapter Text

Daryl Dixon was a scary man. Julian wasn’t going to lie and say otherwise. Julian stared into the man’s beady eyes, waiting for him to say something. Anything .  He felt out of place, standing in the group of men surrounding the young, sweaty, and fairly attractive man. Shane had tugged him along, probably since Julian was a boy and because he also happened to be a boy with a gun. 

The thing about a boy and a gun is that you can’t tell the difference between the two. A boy. A gun. Sometimes Julian forgot the gun he owned wasn’t a part of him.  It was only an extension of him, an extra limb if you will. 

“You stay behind us,” Rick warned Julian. He extended an arm in front of the Korean boy. Julian frowned. “Just in case, son.” The Southern accent made Julian want to crawl into a hole and die. It was sweet, caring almost.

See, Julian never knew his biological father. He had died overseas when he was born. 

“Son of a bitch. That's my deer! Look at it. All gnawed on by this… filthy, disease-bearing, motherless poxy bastard!” Daryl Dixon kicked the carcass.

Nina had Annette lean on her hip, and everything was kind of going to shit. Dale sighed. “Calm down, son. That's not helping.”

Daryl rolled his eyes, scoffing. Julian gripped his gun tighter. “ What do you know about it, old man? Why don't you take that stupid hat and go back to "on golden pond"? I've been tracking this deer for miles. Gonna drag it back to camp, cook us up some venison. What do you think? Do you think we can cut around this chewed up part right here?” He knelt down, poking at the deer. 

Julian was starting to think this guy was insane. 

They ended up back at camp. Julian watched Daryl yell for Merle, and it was sad. Julian felt sadness for Merle because this was a shitty situation. Shane was going to try and reason with this guy, but Julian had a feeling it wouldn’t work well. Reasoning with people was never his strong suit, but in these situations it usually never ended well for anyone. 

“Daryl, just slow up a bit. I need to talk to you.” Fly high, Shane. “About Merle. There was a… There was a problem in Atlanta.” Daryl then asked if his brother was dead, which Shane said he wasn’t sure. Nina glanced at Julian, and he glanced right back. 

Rick swallowed. “No easy way to say this, so I'll just say it.”

Daryl spun around, sizing up Rick. “Who are you?” Rick introduced himself, and Daryl looked like he was tempted to slash Rick’s tires, if he had any. “Rick Grimes, you got something you want to tell me?”

“Your brother was a danger to us all, so I handcuffed him on a roof, hooked him to a piece of metal. He's still there.” 

Julian grimaced as Daryl touched his head. “Hold on. Let me process this. You're saying you handcuffed my brother to a roof and you left him there?” Rick nodded and Daryl pounced. The man pulled a knife, but Shane put him in a headlock before he could do anything drastic. “You’d best let me go!”

“Nah, I think it's better if I don't.”

Daryl narrowed his eyes, grabbing at Shane’s forearm. “Choke hold's illegal.”

Shane scoffed. “You can file a complaint. Come on, man. We'll keep this up all day.”

Julian wondered if Merle was the eldest between the two, because it would explain a lot about their behaviors toward each other. Rick put his hands up. “I'd like to have a calm discussion on this topic. Do you think we can manage that? Do you think we can manage that?” Shane let go of Daryl after a minute. “What I did was not on a whim. Your brother does not work and play well with others.”

T-Dog stepped forward. “It's not Rick's fault. I had the key. I dropped it.”

Julian watched Daryl look around the group, like everyone was losing their minds. Maybe they were. This was the end of the world after all. “You couldn't pick it up?” T-Dog confessed to dropping it in the drain. “If it's supposed to make me feel better, it don't.”

“Well, maybe this will. Look, I chained the door to the roof… So the geeks couldn't get at him… With a padlock. It's gotta count for something.”

That only seemed to make Daryl more upset. “Hell with all y'all! Just tell me where he is so that I can go get him.” 

Then Rick said he’s going back for Merle. Julian could feel the energy drop when Rick opened his mouth. No one wanted to go back to Atlanta, especially not now. Nina looked ready to bash Rick’s skull in for suggesting that. Julian felt bad, call it older brother guilt, or whatever, but he felt bad for Daryl. Maybe that’s why he suggested going on the run to get Merle back.

It was Glenn, Rick, and Daryl. That was supposed to be the original run group, but Julian just loaded his gun and offered himself to Rick, who sighed. It was obvious he didn’t want a kid in the group, but Julian wasn’t a child. He was nowhere near childhood. Not after the shit that had happened to him. 

Shane didn’t want them to go back and get Merle. Nina squeezed his hand, giving him a look that said ‘if you don’t come back, I throw you to the zombies’, and Julian would always come back. They were his baby sisters, and he’d always be there for them. 

“That's five,” Dale pointed out. 

Shane ran a hand down his face in frustration. “It's not just five. You're putting every single one of us at risk. Just know that, Rick. Come on, you saw that Walker. It was here. It was in camp. They're moving out of the cities. They come back, we need every able body we've got. We need 'em here. We need 'em to protect camp.”

Rick shook his head. “It seems to me what you really need most here are more guns.”

Julian turned, remembering what Rick had said about a bag of guns. 

“Wait…what guns?”

 “Six shotguns, two high-powered rifles, over a dozen handguns,” Rick explained, moving his hands around to showcase how long these weapons were. “I cleaned out the cage back at the station before I left. I dropped the bag in Atlanta when I got swarmed. It's just sitting there on the street, waiting to be picked up. 700 rounds, assorted.”

Lori and Carl urged Rick to stay. It was justifiable. That was Lori’s husband and Carl’s father. If Julian was in Carl’s situation, he wouldn’t want his father to leave either. He wouldn’t know what it’s like to have a father, but he wouldn’t want that experience taken from Carl.

They borrowed tools from Dale. the entire time Nina was giving him the nastiest stink eye. Julian stepped toward her, only to get slapped in the shoulder. “What the hell?” she said, whacking him again. “Going back to that piece of shit? Julian, you promised we would stay together. Going back to that man is a suicide mission. We don’t even know the guy—”

“If it were me stuck on that roof, would you go back?”

Nina blinked. “Obviously, but Merle isn’t you. Why does it matter?”

“Because I feel bad,” Julian whispered, but his voice was raised just a little. “I feel bad for leaving him on that rooftop. Daryl’s going to live the rest of his life without a brother if we don’t go get him.” He touched Nina’s cheek, squeezing it. His sister huffed. “Let me do this. I will be right back.” He let go of her, moving his index finger to his lips, and placed a flat hand on the top of his thumb, making an ‘s’. Promise . Annette gave him a final hug, and he kissed her head. 

He got into the back of the van, sitting there, fiddling with the rubix cube Lori had given him. They drove back outside the city limits, and Julian jumped out. He adjusted his hoodie, zippering it up just a bit. He pulled the hood up, taking a deep breath. 

“We walk from here,” Glenn said, adjusting his hat. “The geeks’ll hear the engine and lose their shit.”

Daryl jumped out, redying his bow. He glanced at Julian, tilting his head. “Why’d we bring a kid again?”

Julian blinked. “This kid has a gun, and I’m fast. Faster than you or Rick or T-Dog.” He touched the gun’s tip, feeling the cold metal underneath his fingers. “I’m also sixteen, not technically a kid.” He glanced at the rest of the men gathered there. “Problem?”

God, he sounded like Nina. Nina had always told him he needed to act like he was the shit, so he wouldn’t be walked all over, but Julian wasn’t all that good with being perceived. It pained him, especially right now. 

“Still can’t believe you and your sisters survived Atlanta?” T-Dog said as they walked along the train tracks. “Crazy ass life you guys lead.”

“Nina’s good with killing them,” Julian said, looking around the area. “She was the one doing runs most of the time.” He picked up a large piece of metal, which had been dangling from one of the cars that crashed on the side. T-Dog patted his shoulder. “You should’ve seen her. My sister’s a damn good walker killer.”

“I believe that,” Rick said from his position at the front of the group. “Your littlest sister too. She’s good.”

“Annette did track,” was all Julian said as they reached the gate. “Fastest on the team.” They cut through the fence and everyone was nervous. No one really wanted to be back in Atlanta, especially knowing the dead owned the city now. 

“Merle first or guns?” Daryl looked like he was going to commit murder right then and there. 

“Merle! We ain't even having this conversation.”

“We are. You know the geography. It's your call.”

Glenn chewed on his bottom lip. “Merle's closest. The guns would mean doubling back. Merle first.”

They ended up back in the department store. Julian kicked a soccer ball as they walked toward the stairs. It was silent as they made their way up to the roof. Daryl spotted something on the ground and started to cry. Seeing grownups cry made Julian uncomfortable. The men who—nevermind. They never cried for Julian. They licked his tears and called it a night. 

There was a saw on the ground, covered in rusty blood. Merle’s blood. 

Daryl was crying, staring at Merle’s severed hand, and all Julian felt was nausea. He had seen people commit terrible crimes, seen the dead eat the living, and he’d seen his sisters throw up blood. He hadn’t seen a severed hand like that before. 

Then Daryl tried to kill T-Dog. Rick threatened to shoot him and Daryl finally gave up. Daryl put his brother’s hand in some cloth and began to make assumptions. After a minute, Julian’s eyes widened. “The blade was dull,” he said, squatting down to poke the saw with the tip of his gun. “This wouldn’t even cut the cleanest cut of meat.”

Daryl blinked. “So he must have used a tourniquet…maybe his belt? Be much more blood if he didn't.” Julian nodded and he watched Daryl begin to follow a blood trail. They kept calling for Merle, but they had to be careful. There were walkers everywhere. He had grown used to calling them zombies, like in the movies. But walkers was a cooler term, in Julian’s opinion. 

Julian was beginning to realize Merle was innovative as hell. He was able to cut off his hand using a dull blade, cauterize the stump, and manage to not get eaten. It was admirable. Daryl and Rick kept arguing, and it would attract more walkers. God, did adults ever think? Did they ever stop and ponder that what they were arguing about was pointless? People were going to die if they kept yelling at each other. 

They moved on to getting the guns. Glenn drew a diagram, and Julian frowned. “Look, that’s the tank, five blocks from where we are now. That's the bag of guns. Here's the alley I dragged you into when we first met. That's where Daryl, Julian, and I will go?”

Daryl frowned. “Why me?” He pointed to Julian. “Why him?”

Glenn shrugged. “Your crossbow is quieter than his g*n. While Daryl waits here in the alley, I run up the street, grab the bag.” He glanced at Julian, pressing his lips together. “We carry one gun with us, in case of emergencies. Julian is the best shot we have at that.” 

Rick nodded at the plan so far. “You got us elsewhere?” Glenn nodded, pointing down at the street. 

“You and T-Dog, right. You'll be in this alley here.” Rick looked concerned and confused. “I may not be able to come back the same way. Walkers might cut me off. If that happens, I won't go back to Daryl and Julian. I'll go forward instead, all the way around to that alley where you guys are. Whichever direction I go, I got you in both places to cover me. Afterwards, we'll all meet back here.” 

Julian sat down, looking at the diagram. Daryl leaned over him, glancing at Glenn. “Hey, kid, what'd you do before all this?”

“Delivered pizzas. Why?”

Julian looked down at the alley, taking a deep breath. “You two got some balls for a buncha Chinamen.”

Julian and Glenn frowned. “We’re Korean.” 

Daryl shrugged his shoulders. Glenn took one long breath and ran. A shit ton of walkers saw him, but none of them chased him. It was weird. Julian watched before he heard footsteps. A Hispanic boy put his hands up, and Daryl and Julian both raised their weapons. 

“Whoa, don’t shoot me! What do you want?”
Daryl narrowed his eyes. He raised his bow. “I'm looking for my brother. He's hurt real bad. You seen him?” The Hispanic boy didn’t give them any chance to press him before started yelling for help in Spanish. This kid thought he was slick, Julian guessed, screaming in another language to the Asian and White guy. “Shut up! You're gonna bring the geeks down on us. Answer me.”

Two other men came and began an attack. Julian froze. He got one punch to the face before his brain couldn’t tell the difference between his current attacks and his old ones. Daryl was taking the brunt of it all, but Julian…Julian couldn’t breathe. He raised his gun, pointing it at one of the men. They kicked the gun from his hand, pinning him to the ground.

Julian remembered the cold room, the disgusting mattress and he couldn’t breathe. He could hear Glenn screaming, and he felt bad. Why couldn’t he move? He needed to run and get Glenn back. Why couldn’t he move? He felt the weight get off of his back, and he slowly sat up. His skin crawled. Was he back in that house? Was he back on that street? Get it together, Julian. 

They left that Hispanic boy in the alley. Daryl stood up, letting Rick and T-Dog in. He then turned to the Hispanic boy and began to berate him. Daryl grabs the gate and shuts it before the Walkers can get at them. Rick & T-Dog arrive to see what happened. “I'm gonna kick your nuts up in your throat!”

The Hispanic boy whimpered. “Let me go.”

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. 

“They took Glenn,” Julian mustered, catching his breath. Daryl looked at him, almost concerned.

“Yeah, that little bastard and his little bastard homie friends.” He turned to the Hispanic boy. “I'm gonna stomp your ass!”

They ran back into the store, and Julian sat on the floor. He stared at his gun, trying to remember the feeling of his own body. Sometimes, when he got like this, he floated out of his body. They tore him apart for so many days. Julian closed his eyes. He wanted to get back to his sisters. His beautiful sisters with their laughs and lovely smiles. 

“You okay?” Rick asked, monitoring the situation with that Hispanic kid. “Julian?”

Julian flinched. Rick…sounded a lot like… GOD. Could he take a minute. “I’m fine. What’s the plan on getting Glenn back?” Rick looked skeptical, but continued on with the plan. 

The plan led them to some sort of hideout. Julian couldn’t speak. The psychiatrist from CPS said he had some sort of selective mutism, that it was part of his autism. Julian hated it. He hated feeling useless. It was like they were all babysitting him, and there was nothing he could do about it. 

He was fucking useless. 

That’s all he was: a child. 

They ended up in a retirement home. People needed supplies, and it made him feel bad. These people were sick, they were old. They had no shot in this world, and the gang here was taking care of them. God, Julian felt sick again. He shook hands with an older woman, who reminded him of Mrs. Miller.

“You’re so lovely,” the woman told him, touching his hand. He squeezed her leathery skin, and he welcomed her touch. “Do they make sure you’re fed?” He nodded, his mouth unable to make any sort of sound. The elderly woman chuckled. She signed something, using what was left of her bony fingers. Take . . . it . . . easy . . .

Julian zoned out. It was a bad habit, yeah, he was well aware. He remembered walking behind Rick and Daryl. He remembered the cold metal of his gun in his hand, oh, and he remembered the screaming he heard when they got back to camp. 

The minute Julian saw Annette, he began to fire. His sisters were fighting three walkers off on their own, and they were tired. “Julian Miller, I’m going to kill you once this is over,” Nina said, smashing another walker’s head open. “Had us thinking a geek got you back in Atlanta.” 

“Had shit to do,” Julian said, hitting another walker over the head with the butt of his gun. “Are you guys okay?”

Annette squeaked, kicking one away with her feet. “We were eating dinner. I was hungry.”

The group killed the rest of the walkers off, and Nina tackled Julian in a hug. He checked her for any sign of a wound, same with Annette. He hugged them tight, tighter than he usually did. “I’m so sorry for leaving,” he whispered, shaking a little. “I’m so so so sorry.”

Annette bit his hand playfully. “Don’t leave again.”

“I will never leave again.”

Andrea’s sister was bit, and others were dead now. Annette cried for ten minutes, hiding her face in Julian’s hoodie. Everyone gathered around Andrea and Amy, and it was sad. Everything about the world was sad. Jim staggered forward, staring at Amy’s dead body.

“I remember my dream now, why I dug the holes.”

Chapter Text

Julian’s heart hadn’t stopped beating since the door opened. He had thrown up his last meal, and cried when he had to get blood drawn. The man was kind to him, and let him talk while the blood was being taken from his right arm. He wasn’t a child, nor was he some sort of highly autistic child who couldn’t function. He just really hated needles, especially since…nevermind.

“Why do you need our blood?” Julian asked, wiping his eyes. He frowned, watching Jenner put his blood in a basket. “We aren’t sick or anything.”

“I broke a rule letting your group in here, the least I could do was check if you’re infected.”

Julian knew he had a point. 

Family dinner. Julian despite these, but even more right now. He felt disgusted, staring at the plate of food in front of him. Nina seemed to be enjoying it, playing a drinking game with Daryl. She wasn’t supposed to be drinking, as it was illegal. His sister could handle her alcohol, he could vouch. He had seen her chug three beers in a row with Norah Riley before she had a major headache. 

Annette took a sip from Julian’s cup, which was filled barely with some red wine. He couldn’t drink it, fuck, he couldn’t even look at it. He handed his glass to Lori, who took it with ease. Carl tried some wine, and spit it out. Him, Annette, and Sophia all stuck their tongues out. 

Daryl laughed. “Not you, Glenn.” Glenn’s expression fell. “Keep drinking, little man. I want to see how red your face can get.”

Nina giggled, and she looked so happy. His little sister was laughing, even if it was disingenuous. She had that spark, even if it was only temporary. “Drink!” She shoved a bottle into Glenn’s hands. 

All Julian could see was the faces of that house he was trapped in. 

He had craved a hot shower for months. He knew it was selfish of him to wish he had saved some hot water for his sisters, but he needed it. He needed to be clean. It had been so long since he’d taken a proper shower, with shampoo and conditioner. He needed a chance to be pure if only for a little bit. 

Julian stared up at the ceiling as hot water ran down his face. His black hair clung to his face, and he wished he could be like this forever. He knew this was selfish, but he had never been selfish before. Julian pressed his forehead to the tiles, and tears began to fall. He was safe, so why the hell was he losing his mind?

Nina had taken Annette to shower and get ready for bed. They wanted to explore, but Nina was a little drunk. Julian pressed his lips together as he watched his sisters sing songs and skip down the hallway together, and for a moment, it was normal. His world was normal. He was back home in Virginia, and everything was lovely. 

He wandered to the library before watching Shane storm out. He stared at Julian, turning to him. “You never fall in love with a woman like that, you hear me?” Shane managed a weak laugh, putting his hands on Julian’s shoulders. He flinched, moving to push the man away from him. 

“You’re drunk,” Julain said, pushing him away. “Go to bed.”

He waited until Shane was down the hall before gagging. He covered his mouth, to avoid screaming. Julian pushed the door open, staring at Lori crying on the floor. His first instinct was to run, to find his sisters and sleep, but he decided against it. It made him uncomfortable to see someone miserable and crying. Lori looked up, wiping her eyes. She looked shaken, mortified. He used to have the same look in his eyes, all those weeks ago. 

“Screaming helps,” Julian said, running Lori’s shoulder with a shaking palm. “When it becomes too much, I scream.”

“You don’t need to comfort me,” Lori whispered, her body still shaking. She sighed, inhaling deeply. She pushed the hair from her face. Julian leaned his head on her shoulder, trying to give her a terrible attempt at comfort. “Julian, I’m okay.”

“You’re shaking, and I can hear your heart.” He wanted to tell her that he understood her emotions, that inner turmoil, but he couldn’t. He had never told anyone before.  Nina liked hearing him talk about space whenever she was shaking, and Annette loved the made up stories he made as a kid. “Did you know one teaspoon of a neutron star weighs the same as the human population, you know, before this happened?”

Lori laughed. “I did not know that.” She seemed to realize what he was doing, running a hand through her hair. “That’s interesting. At this moment of time, would the population of walkers be the exact number for half of a teaspoon of neutron star?”

Julian pressed his lips together. “I dunno.” He tapped his pointer finger on his upper thigh. “Oh, and so you know how stars twinkle and stuff in cartoons, technically they don’t even sparkle until they come through our atmosphere. It’s because the lights reflect toward them.”

Lori Grimes let him explain stars until she calmed down entirely. Her breathing slowed and she appeared to be at peace. She told him to go to bed, and Julian told her if she ever wanted any more lame space facts, she knew exactly who to call.

“Good night, Julian,” she whispered, kissing his forehead. It was motherly, and he despised how he clung to it. He waved her goodnight, and remained in the library. He was tired. He ran a hand over his face, covering his mouth with his other one. The feeling he had worked so hard to keep buried came back, and it was tantalizing. It was painful, it was sickening. It reminded him he was still that same boy, trapped in the basement of that house, trapped with—

— 💌

“Morning!” Annette sang, running over to give Sophia a hug. Julian walked in a little while after, watching Nina nurse a terrible headache. That was her only downside: her nasty hangover. It was usually just a headache that lasted a solid half hour, and then she’d be just fine, but she was miserable until then. She popped back a pill and rubbed Glenn’s back, who looked just as miserable as her. 

Shane came in to join them, and both Lori and Julian exchanged a look. She shook her head, urging Julian to keep silent. He did just that, but he wasn’t going to ignore the painful bruises on the side of Shane’s neck. He wondered if he had ever done something like that. Had he left a lasting mark, or were the only marks meant to last on his own psyche?

It wasn’t supposed to feel like being trapped, but that’s exactly what the C.D.C felt. Nina loved it here, and so did Annette, but Julian didn’t belong here. Not like this. He missed fresh air, where he could finally see stars. He didn’t miss the walkers, who would? He just wished he could feel human, instead of some walking corpse.

Jenner led them to his lab. He made them stare at the insides of their brains. This is what Julian needed to see. He leaned forward, tracing his finger in the air. The brain…it was dying. There were little lights running through the frontal lobe, and the cerebellum was collapsing. This person was dying right in front of them. Julian had spent a month cooped up in his room one summer, reading about the different functions of the brain. 

This is something he finally understood.

Jenner called the person in the video a test subject, and Julian despised it. This was a person, someone whose life was slowly being taken by the virus. It worked like meningitis, Julian could just tell. It was taken over the body, and shut down main functions slowly. The adrenal glands, the hemorrhage, and brain went worse. With the brain off the grid, it was only a matter of time before the major organs became infected. Then you died. End of your story. 

That was how the Millers died. Julian hoped they remembered who they were, who they loved. They didn’t stick around long enough to find out. Julian had run, taking them to the top floor. Nina had gone out and killed hundreds, leaving them to rot in the halls. 

The resurrection time…that was what interested Julian the most. Did it work based on your health? On your diet? On how mentally strong you were? These were his questions, but judging by Jenner’s face, he couldn’t understand a damn thing. He was playing the part, giving them that comfort. Julian could admire that. Julian listened as Jenner explained the times he had recorded. The shortest time was mere seconds, while in some cases it could be as long as eight hours. Then the brain stem is turned back on, and creates a zombie. 

If the frontal lobe, the neocortex, doesn’t work, then you aren’t human. That area—it shows others what makes you human. Many people lacked that, Julian knew first hand. He pressed his lips together as Jenner turned off the screen. No one knew what this was. No one fucking knew what was making the living come back, just like that quote in the bible. Julian wasn’t particularly religious, though his mother made him go to church a few times. 

Beeping filled the room, and the lights hummed. Julian hated that sound. Nina grabbed Annette’s forearm, and Julian’s hand. He swallowed, closing his eyes. “We’re fine,” he muttered, his heart racing in his chest. “Everything’s gonna be fine.”  He actually had no idea the situation that they were in, but they weren’t going to die.

They sent Shane to investigate. The generators were loading juice, even the back up ones, and Julian could feel the tension growing. No one wanted to be in the dark, literally . Jenner was keeping them in the dark, and Julian knew it was only a matter of time before someone snapped. He just had a terrifying feeling that it would probably be him. 

Nina took Annette to find a way out, but Julian stayed in place. Jenner was going on a doomsday rant. “It was the French. They were the last ones to hold out as far as I know. While our people were bolting out the doors and committing suic1de in the hallways, they stayed in the labs till the end. They thought they were close to a solution.” Someone asked what happened and Jenner sighed. “The same thing that's happening here. No power grid. Ran out of juice. The world runs of fossil fuel.”

Oh, so they were going to die. Rick ushered everyone to grab their things, telling them it was time to leave. Julian ran to grab their guns and various other weapons. They were going to die if they didn’t leave. He ran past Shane, who was arguing with Rick. This group only ever argued, he guessed. 

The alarm was going off more and more, and Julian was growing overstimulated. He could feel his face melting, and he knew the sound coming from the building was attracting the dead toward them. It was only a matter of time before the walkers burst through the door. They were trapped. No way in and no way out. 

Annette hid her face in Nina’s chest, inhaling as she cried. Nina slumped to the ground, staring at the ceiling. Julian just sat there, learning on her shoulder. They were going to die. They had survived so much, lived through hell, only to die in the building they had once deemed safe. Julian’s eyes fluttered shut before someone was tugging on his arm. There was a grenade in Rick’s hand. Holy fuck ! Who in their right minds had given Rick Grimes a grenade? Oh, wait, that was the same grenade from the tank. He had almost forgotten about it. They ran out of the building, but Jaccqui stayed behind.

Julian crashed into the RV, barely catching his breath. Nina tucked Julian's gun back into his back pocket. The C.D.C exploded just as walkers swarmed the areas. Everything was in shambles now, and Julian couldn’t do anything about it.

end of season one

Chapter Text

season two

the record

The RV was dead silent except for Julian’s coughing. He had been getting sick, and because there were no real doctors in the area. He had been running fevers for the last week, and he had been miserable. When Julian got sick, Nina knew it was a long endeavor. His immune system was shit, and it used to be because he had asthma growing up. He was asleep on the bed, with an icepack on his forehead. 

Nina watched Andrea and Shane talk about guns. Andrea looked like she could take Shane’s guns up her ass if she wanted to. Shane was a dick, and Nina didn’t like him. His whole vibe was off. She adjusted her gun, running her hand through her sick brother’s hair. He looked so sad, and Nina felt bad. She had let Annette sit with Carl and Sophia. Her little sister was a much more empathetic person than she was, so it was an easier decision to make. 

The radiator hose was a pain in her ass. It kept breaking, no matter how much duct tape she helped Dale put on it. There were cars everywhere, and dead people were starting to piss her off. She just stuck a few sticks in the dead’s heads. She hummed, looking for something to give her brother. Annette was playing with dolls with Sophia. Nina hummed as she looked for anything worth her interest. All she found was a handheld telescope, boring as hell. 

Rick looked up, before motioning for everyone to get under the cars. Nina crawled under the car, silently swearing because her fever ridden brother was unaware of the fucking horde coming toward them. Nina looked around for Annette, seeing her with Sophia. That meant Carol and Lori were watching after them. 

There was a set of screams and then growling. Nina knew that scream. Her sister was screaming. She shuffled, grabbing her bat from the steps of the RV. Her sister was alone. Her breathing picked up as Rick ran past her. Rick gave her arm a squeeze. “I’ll go get them,” he whispered. “I promise.”

“You lose my sister or Sophia, I’ll fucking kill you,” she grumbled, shaking. Rick went into the woods, and Nina couldn’t breathe. She had lost people before, and gotten lost in the mall as a toddler, but right now, this was worse. If she couldn’t find Annette, then she had lost part of the only family she had left. Her breaths came fast and unsteady as she gripped the side of a car. Closing her eyes tight, Nina pressed the palms of her hands to her ears. She squatted down, urging her body to calm down. It wasn’t fair to lose her mind like this. Carol must’ve been mortified. That was her only baby in the entire world. Carol was such a good mother, it made her sick.

Once the horde had passed, Nina looked for Sophia and her sister. Annette appeared with tears in her eyes and bloody hands. Nina cradled her baby sister’s head with tears growing in her eyes. Then she looked around, gripping Annette’s shoulders.

“Where’s Sophia?”

Annette’s bottom lip trembled. “She went left, I went right. Couldn’t find her.”

Shane shook his head. “Kid's tired and scared, man. She had a close call with two walkers. Got to wonder how much of what you said stuck.”

Nina contemplated swinging her bat at Shane’s head. Annette kicked his shin, which made him stare directly into Nina’s soul. Daryl put his hand on Nina’s head, as if telling her to give it a rest. “Got clear prints right here. She did like you said, headed back to the highway. Let's spread out, make our way back.”

Nina watched Rick run a hand through his probably greasy hair. “She couldn't have gone far. Hey, we're gonna find her.”

“She'll be tuckered out hiding in a bush somewhere.”

Nina rolled her eyes. “Yes, because the sound of the bushes totally won’t attract walkers. Do you even hear yourself?” She held her sister’s hand while using her bat to point to the trail Daryl was tracking. “Sophia’s brain’s got fight or flight, and right now, she’s in flight. She’s running.”

“So what do we do? All of us press on?”

Rick shook his head. “No, better if you and Glenn get back up to the highway. People are gonna start panicking. Let them know we're on her trail doing everything we can. But most of all, keep everybody calm.”

“Yeah, because missing children is just a throwaway thought,” Nina mumbled, holding her sister’s hand as she walked back to the heighway. “Arent they brilliant?”

Annette cracked a smile, and that was enough for her. 

Once settling Annette down with Julian, Nina joined the others outside. Carol was losing her damn mind. It was an understandable thought process. Nina was about to lose her shit when she couldn’t find Annette, and she had found her only after mere minutes. They kept claiming that they needed to clear out room for the RV, tend to Julian, and even make sure that no walkers will kill them. Nina knew they all had great points, but they needed to get Sophia. Without Sophia, Carol would lose her mind, the group would have a loose end, and then they would all eventually die. A mother’s sorrow can kill, and Nina knew it all too well.  

“We’re not going anywhere till my daughter gets back,” Carol demanded. 

Shane sighed. “Rick and Daryl, they're on it, okay? Just a matter of time.”

Andrea shook her head, arms crossed in front of her chest. “Can't be soon enough for me. I'm still freaked out from that herd that passed us by, or whatever you'd call it.”

Nina knew it was only a matter of time before the group got into another major argument. Nina decided to go with Rick and Daryl, that way they could have a fresh set of eyes. Men were stupid, God, how could anyone marry a man? She rolled her eyes, dragging her bat across the ground. 

So far, they had killed some fat ass walker, almost tore out her own hair, and contemplated killing herself. She chased her frustration back to the camper, tending to Julian’s incredibly high fever. Her brother was dying at this rate. She moved the rag from his forehead, tending to his high temperature. She chewed on her lip, sighing.

“He’s only getting sicker,” Nina said, glancing back at Dale. “He’s only going to get worse if we don’t do something. We need someone to find a pharmacy or something.” Dale pressed his lips together. What was everyone’s problem? A missing kid and a sick one, and yet they were willing to have someone die on them? Nina’s brother was going to die, and she realized the group thought they were dispensable right then and there. 

They had found a church. Southern white people were devout catholics, she had noticed. Nina rushed in to kill a ring bearer, who looked like he was Nina’s age. She stared at his corpse, tilting her head. Her bat was stained with so much blood, she couldn’t tell you if it was part of the living, or the dead.  

She sat down beside it, looking at the crucified statue of Jesus Christ, and closed her eyes. Annette was back with Julian, and she just…she just needed a minute. Carol was praying, and Nina longed for a chance to find Sophia. “Father, forgive me. I don't deserve your mercy. I prayed for safe passage from Atlanta and you provided. I prayed for Ed to be punished for laying his hands on me and for looking at his own daughter with whatever sickness was growing in his soul. I prayed you'd put a stop to it, give me a chance to raise her right, help her not make my mistakes. She's so fearful. She's so young in her way. She hasn't had a chance. Praying for Ed's death was a sin. Please, don't let this be my punishment. Let her be safe, alive and safe. Please, lord. Punish me however you want, but show mercy on her.”

Nina felt selfish. Maybe she was. She slowly moved her hands in the motion of the cross, pressing her hands to her lips. She closed her eyes. “Please, let us find Sophia.” She opened one eye, feeling stupid. Nina sighed. “Let Julian get better, and please, I’ll do anything, just let us all stay together.” She paused. “Amen.” If there was some guy in the sky, watching teenage girls murder men, then please, let him keep her family alive.

That was all Nina needed. 

She wanted to ask God why . Why did He kill the Millers? Why did He kill her parents? Why did He send her to live with that terrible man? What did she do to deserve this? If there was a God, all she wanted was a sign, something to prove she was going to make it out. She glanced back at the church one more time, before running back to the group. 

Walking through the woods, Daryl began to talk about the plan, which was just one idea. “I guess the plan is to whittle us down into smaller and smaller groups.”

Andrea, on the other hand, was having issues. It was clear she didn’t trust Rick, and she had a thing for Shane, who had a thing for Lori. This group was like a college campus, one big orgy. “Carrying knives and pointy sticks. I see you have a gun.”

Lori scoffed. “ Why, you want it? Here, take it. I'm sick of the looks you're giving me.” She shoved the gun into Andrea’s hand, who gave her a surprised look. “All of you.” Nina scratched the back of her neck. “Honey” — she held Carol’s hands in her own — “I can't imagine what you're going through. And I would do anything to stop it. But you have got to stop blaming Rick. It is in your face every time you look at him. When Sophia ran, he didn't hesitate, did he? Not for a second. I don't know that any of us would have gone after her the way he did or made the hard decisions that he had to make or that anybody could have done it any differently. Anybody? Y'all look to him and then you blame him when he's not perfect. If you think you can do this without him, go right ahead. Nobody is stopping you.”

Andrea handed the gun back to Lori. 

Nina walked away from them, going to join Shane and Rick. She’d rather listen to boring man stuff than watch two women fight over a man. She skipped over, glancing around for Rick. She found them, and was about to call them over as Carl stared directly at a deer. Nina waved, just as a gunshot rang through the woods. Nina dropped her bat when Carl hit the ground.

Carl Grimes had just been shot.

Chapter Text

His fever broke randomly, and then returned more vicious than before. Annette was somewhere, leaving Julian to gag as he covered his eyes. “Nette? Nina?” He looked around, groaning as he sat up. “What’s happening?” He opened the door to the RV, stumbling over his feet. Carol stared at him, catching him as he fell. 

“Hey, hey,” Daryl said, grabbing him from Carol. “Kid, you’re burning up.” He rubbed the back of Julian’s head. Julian whimpered, hiding his eyes from everyone. He was so fucking out of it. If you asked Julian what was happening, he couldn’t tell you. He looked around again, and he couldn’t find Nina anywhere. 

They sat him down, handed him a cup of water, and informed him of what happened. Carl had been shot, and they had taken Lori up to the farm where they had been tending to him. Nina was there, Daryl explained, advocating for Julian to be taken there too.

“I’m not sick,” Julian argued, his eyes barely open. His head hurt, and he used to suffer from more intense migraines, but he guessed they stopped because there was zero noise pollution anymore. “Is Carl okay?” He got up, only to sway on his feet. He gripped the side of the RV. “What'sWhat's going to happen now?”

“You’re sick, Miller,” Dale said, pressing his hand onto Julian’s warm forehead. “You can barely function, and I know those eyes of yours burn.” Julian pressed his lips together, shaking his head. “We need to take care of you and T-Dog. Both of you are just getting sicker.”

Everyone was arguing around him. Carol didn’t want to leave, and neither did Daryl. People were shouting and Julian’s head throbbed. He sniffled. “Well, if you're all staying then I'm-”

Dale frowned. “Not you, Glenn- You're going. Take-take Carol's Cherokee.”

Glenn was touching Julian’s shoulder, rubbing circles into his shoulder. “Me? Why is it always me?” 

“You have to find this farm, reconnect with our people and see what's going on- But most importantly, you have to get T-Dog and Julian there. This is not an option. That cut has gone from bad to worse. He has a very serious blood infection. Get him to that farm, same with Julian. He’s getting sicker, and his fevers have become more violent as time goes on.” Dale glanced back at Julian, then at T-Dog, who was sitting in the driver's seat of the RV. “See if they have any antibiotics. Because if not, Julian and T-Dog will die, no joke.”

They piled into Carol’s Cherokee. T-Dog sat in the passenger seat, and Julian laid down in the backseat. He was crying, and he didn’t know why. Everything burned, and ached. T-Dog was talking to Glenn, and they kept glancing back at Julian. His sister was still back at the camp, with Carol. She was being kept there, protecting the last child of the group. Daryl promised to keep her safe.

Julian sat up, touching his head. “We should get my sister.” He touched Glenn’s shoulder. “Nette, can–can’t be alone.”

“Your baby sister isn’t alone,” Glenn reassured. He sighed, turning onto some farm land. He checked the rearview mirror, making sure to shake off some Walkers. “Daryl’s got her, and she’s fine. Nina’s waiting for you. She wants you to feel better.” Julian sniffled, wiping fever induced tears from his face. 

Julian leaned against the cold window, his forehead a wasteland of warmth. He shook as Glenn managed to take him out of the car. They walked to the front porch of some fancy house. Julian thought it was safe. He was often misguided. He thought back to the house with the red door and the man with a wide smile. Julian hated thinking of them, bringing back the pain he had felt countless times before. 

“So, do we ring the bell? I mean it looks like people live here.” Julian couldn’t think past the door…it was the same as the red door of that prison. He slumped against the door, and T-Dog was nudging him with his hip. 

“We're past this kind of stuff, aren't we? Having to be considerate.”

The door opened, a pretty woman staring at them. “Did you close the gate up the road when you drove in?” She was on guard, which works, because Julian wouldn’t trust himself either. 

Glenn swallowed, eyes wide. “Uh, hi. Yes, we closed it. Did the latch and everything. Hello. Nice to see you again. We met before… briefly . Look, we came to help. There anything we can do?” The beautiful woman stared at them, and at T-Dog, specifically.

Julian was barely holding himself up as T-Dog explained his situation. The woman led them into the house, taking Julian to the couch. She brushed hair from his face, before leaving the room. 

“Julian,” Nina said, standing in the doorway. She knelt down in front of him, touching his cheeks. “I missed you, brother.” She hugged him, squeezing him. The pressure was welcome, and Julian cried some more. 

“Annette—”

“I made sure Daryl would take care of her. I need you alive and better.” Nina smiled, her lips pressed together in a thin and chapped line. His sister used to enjoy wearing fun lip glosses that smelled like fruit before this all went down. “Maggie’s gonna come back with some medication. I’m gonna run back to the RV, make sure everyone’s okay. I love you.” She pressed a kiss to his warm forehead, and grabbed her bat. Someone had braided something into Nina’s hair. It looked nice. 

Maggie returned with a cold rag and some medication. She made him drink it, before sitting him at the dinner table. Julian lay his head on the cold wood, watching T-Dog get his arm stitched up. An older white woman was humming to herself.

“You got here right in time. This couldn't go untreated much longer. "Merle Dixon." Is that your friend with the antibiotics?”

Glenn swallowed, looking down at the ground. No, ma'am. Merle's no longer with us. Daryl gave us those…his brother.”

T-Dog snorted, wincing as the woman continued to stitch his skin back together. Julian watched blood drip down his forearm. “Not sure I'd call him a friend.”

The older woman’s name was Patricia. She was nice, and incredibly kind. “He is today. This doxycycline might have just saved your life. You know what Merle was taking it for?”

“The clap. Um, venereal disease. That's what Daryl said.”

STD. Merle Dixon had an STD. Julian almost got one once. He gagged in his mouth, pressing his eyes shut. “I'd say Merle Dixon's clap was the best thing to ever happen to you.”

T-Dog groaned. “I'm really trying not to think about that.”

That night, Julian was forced into bed by Lori Grimes. She had been crying, but she sat on the edge of his bed, asking him dozens of questions. It was gentle, and she was shaking. Carl had been shot, and Shane was out getting medication. She seemed shaken. “You’ve had such a terrible fever these last few days,” Lori whispered, touching his head. She slowly combed through his hair. The little dyed pieces were fading, disappearing behind black hair matted with sweat. “It’s been nice to hear your voice.”

“How’s Carl?”

Lori chuckled, her breath shaking. “He’ll be alright, just like you’ll be.” Hershel walked by the room, urging Lori to follow him. “Feel better, okay?” Julian pressed his lips together, smiling at her. He turned on his side, and closed his eyes. Better to sleep off a fever than be awake and miserable. Nina would be back soon, and everything was fucking fine.

Chapter Text

Nina despised Shane Walsh. She found him to be the most condescending man to have ever walked the Earth. She sat across from him the next morning, staring at his newly buzzed head. She wanted to say something, to tell someone about what she sensed, but she would be cast off as another emotional woman, which was funny, considering she hadn’t gotten her period in weeks. 

They had to attend some sort of funeral for Otis. The man who died getting Carl medication. Nina didn’t know the man, and she wasn’t about to be sad for someone she didn’t know. Why should she waste tears on a stranger? “Blessed be God, father of our lord, Jesus Christ. Praise be to him for the gift of our brother Otis, for his span of years, for his abundance of character; Otis, who gave his life to save a child's, now more than ever, our most precious asset. We thank you, God, for the peace he enjoys in your embrace. He died as he lived, in Grace.” Hershal glanced at Shane, who was silently staring at the make-shift grave they had done for Otis. “Shane, will you speak for Otis?”

Shane shook his head. “I'm not good at it. I'm sorry.”

Patricia wiped tears from her eyes. “You were the last one with him. You shared his final moments. Please. I need to hear. I need to know his death had meaning.” Nina waited, tapping her fingers on Annette’s shoulder. Julian was there too, shivering. He was running a fever, even after they had given him a ton of medication. He just didn’t seem to get better. 

Shane gave Patricia one last look and offered some words to the dead man no one saw. 

Nina was skeptical. She ran a hand through her hair, staring at Hershal. They were getting permission to look for Sophia. The girl had been lost for three days at this point, and someone wawa bound to have heard about some lost girl. It was hopeless, so it seemed. Nina glanced back at Julian, who was laying on the couch. He was sleeping, mouth open, and he was running a terribly high fever. 

“I could go with you, Daryl,” Nina suggested, and Hershal frowned. 

“You need to stay with your brother. I don’t know enough about his medical history, and you and your sister may help with his condition.” Daryl ruffled her hair, and left. Nina huffed, sitting beside Julian. Annette was upstairs, talking to Carl. They had been yapping their traps for hours after that make-shift funeral. 

“Your brother has a terrible immune system, huh?” Beth Greene said, sitting on the ground in front of Nina. She licked her lips, awkwardly realizing what she said. “Do you want anything? Jimmy and I were gonna make some lemonade, to keep everyone happy.”

“Your daddy let your boyfriend stay in your room, huh?”

Beth’s cheeks grew pink. “No–no, nothing like that. He stays in a guest room.” She smiled. “I’d like some help with the lemonade though. Plus, your brother really needs to sleep away from his cold.”

Nina sighed, rubbing her temple. This girl was sweet, and it made her want to bash her head into a wall. She got up, pressing a quick kiss to Julian’s forehead. Nina skipped over to the kitchen, blinking at the boy standing in the kitchen. He offered her a slight smile, and Nina gave him a look in return. “Hello, Jimmy.”

“Hi, Nina.” She shrugged, grabbing a knife from the drawer. “Are you sure you want to cut them lemons? We can get you a different job—”

“Let me use the damn knife,” she mumbled, cutting part of the lemon in half. Beth greeted Jimmy with a kiss on his cheek. She then walked over to Nina and hummed a song under her breath. There were three pitchers full of water. “Something the matter, Cinderella?”

“You’re cutting the lemons violently,” Beth said, putting a hand over Nina’s. “Lemons need gentle care, or they’ll splatter all over the place.”

“Yeah, same kinda mentality that gets people killed.” Beth frowned, and Nina felt bad. Beth was pretty. Nina wasn’t going to deny that, well, how could she? The girl’s hand was soft on hers, and Nina resisted the urge to shove her away. “I don’t need to get coached. I know how to cut a damn lemon.”

“You can relax here,” Jimmy pointed out, taking some of the lemons Nina had cut. “You’re safe. Hershal has gates and fences everywhere.” 

Nina raised an eyebrow, jamming her knife into the cutting board. “Fences can be broken, Jimmy .” Nina sounded pessimistic and incredibly evil, and she felt bad. She really did. These people didn’t deserve that kind of behavior, but she was honest. She had seen the real world, not this Barbie dreamhouse bullshit. “I’m sorry. I’m just on edge.”

Beth pressed her lips together. “Don’t apologize. You were outside for a long time, and it must have messed with your mind. Fight or flight, but your body can no longer tell the difference.” Nina hated Beth’s kind smile, and Jimmy’s stare in the back of her head. It felt odd, but maybe that was how farm people thought. “Jimmy, pass me the sugar, please.”

Jimmy stopped staring at Nina’s head before opening a cabinet. They spent half an hour making lemonade, laughing. Nina hadn’t spoken to people her age in a while, and this felt, this felt right. She liked how she felt, even if it was only temporary. This whole layover, it was temporary. Nothing was solid for too long, and Nina had to accept that. Once everyone got better, they would leave this farm. That’s how it always was, and how it will remain.

Chapter Text

Julian never remembered his good dreams, only his bad ones. He wandered the farm, shivering. He was supposed to be inside, sleeping off his fever. No one knew what strain of the flu he had, but to be fair, Julian’s mother hadn’t vaccinated him for a lot of stuff as a kid. His mother didn’t do much except leave him bloody and blue. He wondered if she was still alive, sometimes. If she was, would she come to find him?

His thoughts became muddled. That was often how it happened with him. He hated getting sick. His sisters got sick, when this all happened, and he found that house. The house with the red door and the bad people. The bad people who were probably dead now. The bad place…the bad place he was far from. 

“You shouldn’t be out of bed,” Maggie said, sitting on the ground beside him. Julian shrugged. “What’s the matter, Julian?” He picked at the grass, twisting it around his finger. He yanked out some grass, and Maggie just scooted closer. He gagged a little, unsure what was wrong with him. 

“Your farm is nice. My mom used to want one like this.”

Maggie’s expression softened. “I’m sorry about your mom, little one.”

Julian shook his head. “My mother isn’t dead.” Maggie’s eyebrows scrunched together. “She’s in prison for drug possession and domestic abuse. She always wanted a farm though, with lots of wild dogs. She was a big dog person.” He braided the pieces of grass together, humming one of the Frank Sinatra songs Mr. Miller loved to play while cooking dinner. He didn’t look back at Maggie, who he knew was starting to realize things about him. 

“I’m sorry about your mom,” she repeated, fiddling with the strings on her boots. “But because she might be dead, but also because of what she did to you.” 

“Sometimes, you have bad things happen to you, but it’s okay.” Julian’s words were gentle, and they didn’t make much sense. He flinched as a breeze danced under his shirt. It was Otis’ sweater over Jimmy’s shirt. Jimmy was Nina’s new friend, and he should watch over her. Julian should make sure nothing would happen to his little sister, but Jimmy was a coward. The worst cowards make the best rapists, that’s what Julian knew.

He followed Maggie back into the house, where Lori and Carol were cooking. He leaned on Carol’s shoulder, offering himself to help cook dinner. The older woman sighed, and handed him some carrots to chop. Lori pressed a kiss to the top of his head, and Annette came running in. She was bouncing up and down, holding up a butterfly on her thumb.

“I found it while looking for flowers for Miss Patricia.” 

Carol smiled. 

“And,” Annette sang, taking out some flowers from her pocket. “I found some for Sophia. The pink one is for you, Carol!” She handed the flowers to Carol, and leaned on Julian’s hip. She was fiddling with the fabric of the sweater Julian wore. “Feeling better yet?”

“Fine,” Julian whispered to Annette, squeezing her shoulder. He looked over to Lori, pressing his lips together into a thin, chapped line. “Anything else I can do?” Lori shook her head, and Carol ushered them out the kitchen. They sat on the porch, and Annette curled up in his lap. Julian was sure he was running a fever again. His body was acting up, and Maggie had been throwing around the term ‘stress cold’ pretty often, especially around him.

Nina was out with Daryl, hunting for Sophia. She was always trying to be out there again, hunting and bashing brains in. She must have liked it, living like a hunter. He supposed it was a good stress reliever, but he didn’t want her out there. He wanted to keep her safe. Julian had almost died for her, and all he wanted was to put both his sisters in a bubble and keep them out of trouble for good.

“I miss you,” Annette mumbled, poking him in the stomach. He coughed, before letting out a slight laugh. He kissed Annette’s head, running hands through her combed hair. He had almost gotten used to the tangles. “You’re all sick and blegh! and you always look sad. Nina says it’s because of your mom, but I think it’s something else.” She sat in his lap, facing him. Julian squeezed her tight, putting his head in between her shoulder blades. “Stop being sad!”

“I’m not sad,” Julian said, standing up. He attempted to carry her, but remembered he was still sick, and tumbled to the ground. They landed on the dirt, where he started to tickle her. He laughed. “I’m perfectly fine, you little brat.”

Annette rolled her eyes, playfully sitting on his stomach. “I’m not a brat, Jupiter .” Right, his name meant sacred to Jupiter. They had spent an entire afternoon researching the meaning of their names. It was such a fun time, and it just made Julian sad all over again. 

After managing to put Annette down for a nap, he wandered over to their group's makeshift camp. The only reason they had kept him in the house was because of his incredibly high fevers. Nina wasn’t back yet, and Julian’s stomach churned at the thought. His baby sister, well, she wasn’t that much of a baby anymore. All grown up, or that’s what she liked to say. Nina was just as grown up as Annette, and bad experiences didn’t make you an adult. That idea didn’t belong to Julian, though. 

He was about to knock on the RV door when Andrea began to scream.

“Walker. Walker!” 

Julian stared at the two corpses, though he noticed them lugging something behind them. Were walkers getting smarter? He fiddled with his gun, which was always in his waistband. He raised it, before gasping. He banged on the RV, shaking. “Don’t shoot.” 

The men seemed to agree, urging Andrea not to shoot. Her gun went off, and one of the ‘walkers’ screamed. They ran toward them, and Nina was fuming. She was covered in blood, and threatened Shane with her bloody hand. “Aim away from us next time!” she shouted, throwing her bat at Andrea. “Never grab a gun again.”

“Oh my God, is he dead?” Andrea asked.

“Unconscious. You just grazed him.”

Nina nodded, her eyes fluttering shut. She slumped against Rick, bleeding from her hand. Daryl was wearing ears. Nina had a tail dangling from her belt. Julian felt like throwing up. He touched his baby sister’s cheek. She was most likely dehydrated and starving. She always forgot to eat when she was focused. Stupid, he thought as Rick helped Nina sit up. Hershel stitched up the two hunters, yapping about how the horse Daryl took was a coward. Julian related to that horse quite a bit. Hershel seemed frustrated, and ordered Rick to pay attention to their group. 

They ate together, and Julian watched Nina cut her chicken with narrowed eyes. She was staring daggers at Shane, while laughing with Beth and Jimmy. Julian fiddled with his green beans, feeling nauseous. He watched Glenn and Maggie exchange notes, and figured they were having an affair. He knew that kind of stuff, and he never really figured out why. Julian swallowed his vomit, gripping the table. Everyone was talking and laughing, and Julian felt worse. 

He got up, excusing himself. He barely didn’t make it out the door before losing his dinner all over the grass. Nina was out beside him in a second, with Annette holding his hair back. He was crying. How could you be an adult in a kid’s body, losing a battle with his own emotions? 

“It’s okay, Jules,” Nina whispered, rubbing his back. “We’re here. Let it out.”

Chapter Text

Nina shouldn’t look at Beth Greene that way. She touched the girl’s hair sometimes, and Jimmy was holding Beth’s hand. It was platonic with Nina and the couple, but she hadn’t been around a girl in a long time. She was just desperate. Beth was kind, and she was a gentle soul, but that wasn’t what Nina wanted right now. Her goal was to keep her brother from dying, and her little sister happy.

Nina leaned on Daryl’s shoulder, fiddling with her bandaged hand. “This is stupid. We should be back out there—”

“Your brother is barely alive, people are screaming at us to keep that kid lost, and you cut your arm open with an arrow.” Nina shoved him a little, which he laughed at. Julian was asleep in front of them, blowing hot, bacteria-infested air from his chapped lips. “We’ll get back to hunting that girl down when shit dies down.”

“Can’t believe I got paired up with you, ” Nina teased, huffing a little. “Buddy system my ass. It’s like they don’t trust us.”

Daryl shrugged, taking a sip from his cup. There was still some left over lemonade from when Nina, Jimmy, and Beth made some. “So, Beth…”

“What about Beth?” Daryl gave her a look. Nina rolled her eyes. 

“I see you looking at her like she’s the only girl in the world.” 

“I’m not interested in someone like her,” Nina said, swallowing nervously. She got up, adjusting the ice on her brother’s forehead. “I just haven’t been around a girl my age in a long time. Plus, she got a boyfriend and I will never be a homewrecker. That isn’t who I am.”

“Okay, Miss Moral Compass.” Nina threw a towel at him.

There was gun training. Nina hated guns, in fact, she would rather get her hand chopped off than use one. Sure, she knew how to use one, but that didn’t mean she had to use her abilities. Her bat made less noise, was practical, and she looked so badass. Jimmy, Beth, and Patricia were to be trained. Nina almost shot herself in the head when Jimmy appeared with his girlfriend. She was an idiot. 

“Am I standing right?” Beth asked, holding her gun awkwardly. Julian was the gun expert. Annette could shoot better than her, but she refused to hand her sister a weapon. Nina slowly crept behind her, hands shaking as she moved Beth’s hips. This was intimate. She hated it. 

Jimmy’s stance wasn’t any better. He was barely holding the gun correctly. He was holding his gun like a gangster in those mob movies. It made Nina laugh. She slapped his hand down as Shane scolded him for it. 

Nina was laughing. She was happy. This made her happy. She loved fear, the danger. Everything about this new normal was something she thrived under. This was something she would get used to. This was no world for Annette, and Julian couldn’t thrive the way she could. Nina knew this would all shrivel up eventually, but she wanted to live in the moment.

Hershel wanted them to leave the area in one week. There had been some sort of argument between him and Rick, but they were giving her brother a longer treatment. The strain of flu was serious, and there was nothing they could do but wait. Nina wasn’t sure how long her brother had before either dying, or even recovering. Then Glenn announced that there were walkers in the barn.

The damn barn Nina had let Carl and Annette play by. The same barn she had found cigarette butts by. She spun around, looking at Glenn with horror. Her sister could have died . “You just let us go closer to that thing,” Nina spat. She poked Glenn in the chest. “My sister could have died and you're just bullshitting.”

Andrea put a hand on Nina’s shoulder. “We can't just sweep this under the rug”

Shane nodded, and Nina was tempted to offer him as a sacrifice. She didn’t like Andrea, sure, but she sure as hell hated Shane too. “It ain't right. Not remotely.” He rubbed his neck, shaking his head. “Okay, we've either got to go in there, we've got to make things right or we've just got to go. Now we have been talking about Fort Benning for a long time.”

“We can’t go,” Rick decided.

Everyone began to shout before Carol put her foot down. “Because my daughter is still out there.” 

“Well, I think it's time that we all start to just consider the other possibility.”

Daryl looked like he wanted to strangle everyone around them. “We’re close to finding this girl. We just found her damn doll two days ago.” Nina raised her hand, pointing an overgrown nail at her busted up hand. 

Shane scoffed. “You found her doll, Daryl. That's what you did. You found a doll.”

Nina’s hands shook. She wanted to scream. This man who probably wanted to make Lori have his god damn babies was yapping his god damn trap about god knows what. Could someone please make him shut the fuck up? “Do you even know what you’re talking about?”

“I’m just saying what needs to be said.” Rick warned Shane to stop, but he couldn’t get his best friend to stop talking. “You get a good lead, it's in the first 48 hours. Let me tell you something else, man. If she was alive out there and saw you coming all methed out with your buck knife and geek ears around your neck, she would run in the other direction.” He then turned to Nina. “and we sure as hell don’t need Daryl out there babysitting two kids at once.”

Daryl pounced. People screamed. Rick became the mediator, once again. “Now just let me talk to Hershel. Let me figure it out.” He sighed. “If we're gonna stay, if we're gonna clear this barn, I have to talk him into it. This is his land. Hershel sees those things in there as people… Sick people... His wife, his stepson.” He knew. He fucking knew. Nina gripped her bat, raising it before Glenn wrapped his arms around her, keeping her in place. “Yesterday I talked to Hershel.”

“And you waited the night?”

“I thought we could survive one more night.” They did. “I was waiting till this morning to say something. But Glenn wanted to be the one.”

“The man is crazy, Rick, if Hershel thinks those things are alive or not.”

When Nina was thirteen years old, she had decided right then and there she wouldn’t trust anyone ever again. Then the Millers came into her life. They gave her a home. They gave her the ability to trust. She didn’t trust this group. She had grown used to them, but that didn’t equate trust. She walked away with Annette, pulling her into Julian’s room. Her brother had woken up and was quietly sipping on some broth. 

“There’s walkers in the barn,” Nina said, sitting on the floor. Annette snuggled up to Julian, and he looked mortified. “Glenn and Rick both knew. They knew and let us live out there. I needed to tell the both of you because you two are the only people I care about right now.”

“If we leave tonight, where are we even going?” Annette pointed out. It made Nina a little sad to see her sister just accept the news. She was handling it better than other people in the group and she was eleven . “We don’t know where the roads go, and we can’t just steal a car.”

Julian was silent. “We could run. Far away. Did anyone mention any government bunkers near us?” Nina knew her brother would barely make it that far. Fort Benning was just a dream Shane had. Who's to say that the fort wouldn’t be overrun? There were walkers everywhere, god damn it. They were going to die unless Nina figured something out. “I want to talk to the group.”

Annette shook her head. “No! There’s walkers in that barn. You’re sick. Nina can do it—”

“I want to talk to them,” Julian said, his voice shaking. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, standing up. His cheeks were growing red again, a sure sign he was developing another fever. Nina didn’t know what to do. Julian opened the door, and ran.

Nina and Annette chased him. Annette looked beyond upset at their big brother. Julian was incredibly stubborn. He was always like that. He was running and he tripped on the ground. Nina went to touch him, but he pushed her off. He made it to the group that was gathered in front of the barn. Nina couldn’t breathe. There Rick was, with Jimmy and Hershel, pushing walkers with little sticks. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Shane yelled, holding up a gun. Glenn had Nina’s bat. He was caressing the top, staring at the scene in front of them. Julian was shaking. He was dripping with sweat as he shook. Nina finally grabbed him, holding him tight. He inched away from her, using his legs as pillars. Nina couldn’t help him when he was like this, even Annette backed away.  

“Shane, just back off.”

Hershel looked around. “Why do your people have guns?”

Just like everything she witnessed every single second since this group had been together, it went to shit. Shane went on a tirade, screaming and shouting. He was drawing more attention to the god damn barn. Was this man stupid? Genuinely, did Shane ever think?

“These things ain't sick. They're not people. They're dead. Ain't gonna feel nothing for them ‘cause all they do, they kill!” Julian was shivering, rubbing his bare arms. The arms with scars and bruises that never healed. Julian never told her where he got them, and Nina wanted to know. She wanted to take care of him for fucking once, just like he had done for her all the time. “These things right here, they're the things that killed Amy. They killed Otis. They're gonna kill all of us.”

“Shane, shut up!”

“Hey, Hershel man, let me ask you something.” Shane laughed like this was funny to him. “Could a living breathing person, could they walk away from this?” He shot three rounds into one of the walker’s chest. “Would a living person live through that many rounds to the chest?” Shane yelled, throwing his hands up in the air. All Nina saw was a terrible man who was losing his mind. “Would the living survive a gun to the head?” 

He turned to Nina, raising the gun. Julian groaned beside her, pressing his hand to his face. Nina heard the faint sound of the safety being turned off before a bullet flew past Julian’s face. He groaned. He swayed on his feet, and Nina quickly pulled him closer to her. 

“What the hell is your problem?” Nina yelled. Julian was burning up against her. She felt him claw at her shirt, whimpering in pain. His fever was back. “Are you fucking insane? He’s sick.”

“But he’s alive, Miller,” Shane said, putting his gun in his waistband. “He wouldn’t survive a couple rounds to the chest, not like these walkers.” Shane’s sick logic was right, but he also shot at her fucking brother so it didn’t matter anymore. Nina’s grip on Julian tightened. She never trusted Shane, especially right now. He was off the rails. 

Unhinged.

“Enough risking our lives for a little girl who's gone! Enough living next to a barn full of things that are trying to kill us.” Rick opened his mouth, but Shane shut him up. “Enough. Rick, it ain’t like before. Now if y’all want to live, if you want to survive, you go to fight for it.” Nina ran a hand through Julian’s hair, feeling his rapidly beating heart. Annette was standing beside Julian, hiding behind him. This was insanity. “I'm talking about fighting right here, right now.”

They could run right now. Run farther than it would take for the walkers in the barn to catch up to them. She could make it. Annette could run beside her, and they could defend Julian. They couldn’t stay here, with Shane. He was at a loose end. He was unstable. He would probably shoot them all up in their sleep. 

Shane charged to the doors of the barn, banging on the chains. Nina could feel a scream boiling in her chest. They were going to die. She wanted to run away, to get her family away from the danger, but her legs wouldn’t move. They stayed planted in the ground.

The walkers came out slowly, groaning and moaning like always. They weren’t sick. They weren’t alive. They were killers. Nina didn’t want to be here anymore. She watched as they continued to shoot, everyone was dying all over again. Nina covered her mouth, because there was a feeling boiling in her stomach. She couldn’t understand what it was yet, and she hated that she didn’t know. The barn was emptied. Everyone lowered their guns, and Nina fell to the ground. Lori was beside her in an instant. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, Nina forgot she was fifteen years old. 

Another set of footsteps escaped the barn, and all hell broke loose. Sophia Peletier walked out of the barn, zombified, and dead. Carol screamed, running toward her, only to be stopped by Daryl. Annette started to cry, her sobs coming in quick gulps. Her friend was dead. This was the first time Nina had seen a zombified child. She gripped her brother and sister a little tighter. They shot Sophia in the head, ending her second life. Nina let go of Julian’s head, turned over, and cried.

Chapter Text

When Julian woke up, he knew something bad had happened. He sat up, holding his chest. There was a loud conversation happening in the room beside him. He gripped the wall, fever delirium still dripping from his pores. He turned the corner, staring at Beth Greene’s shock ridden state. He knew a lot about shock, considering he had gone into it one time. He had a seizure. It was because his mother had said she was going to kill him, and then actively tried to stab him. He spent two days trapped in his own body until his mother finally called a doctor. 

“Is she in shock?” Patricia nodded, ushering him back to bed. Julian shook his head, kneeling at her bedside. He grabbed one of the pillows, putting it under her feet. “Keep feet and head elevated.” He gagged on his words, pinching the bridge of his nose. His head hurt. He touched Beth’s head, pressing his lips together. 

“Where’s Hershel?”

No one could find him anywhere. 

Julian cried when he got back to his room. He found a journal, with a note from Lori. Glenn had gotten it for him. Julian wished he was better by now. Nina had gone to look for Hershel. Annette was with Lori and Carl. Julian was alone. He glanced at the ceiling, only to find someone standing in the doorway. Jimmy, Beth Greene’s odd boyfriend, was awkwardly holding up some sandwiches.

“Come in,” Julian mumbled, wiping his face. Jimmy sat there, fiddling with one of the sandwiches. “What’s wrong?”

“You’re good with a gun,” Jimmy said, scratching the back of his neck. Julian took one of the sandwiches. He nodded at Jimmy’s statement, confusion lacing his expression. “When your people shot the sick people in the barn, had you ever, um, killed anyone before?”

Julian stopped chewing, lowering the sandwich from his mouth. He didn’t know what to say. He had never shot a living person, but he had wished. He wished to kill so many people in his life, his short, miserable ass life. Julian ran a hand through his shaggy hair. “Only walkers. You do-don’t really shoot the living unless you have to, I guess.”

Jimmy sighed. “Hershel didn’t want us to shoot those people.”

“They weren’t sick,” Julian recalled, remembering Nina’s shaking form as she explained what happened. They had seen Sophia be brutally murdered…again by their own bullets. Julian could see Nina, or even, Annette in Sophia’s spot, and that’s what made him sad. Julian had worked so hard to keep them safe, and now, he could barely go an hour without swaying on his feet. He had never been sick like this before, but he had always been a pretty sick kid. There were issues where he’d get rashes and even ulcers, but no one ever caught it. 

He assumed maybe he was just weird. 

“They’re animated corpses. They’re killers, Jimmy. Everyone in that barn was dead the minute the virus got them.” He took a bit of his sandwich, savoring the spicy ham. He watched Jimmy’s cheeks pale as he listened to Julian talk. He felt bad, he really did. This kid didn’t know the world like their group did. “You’re safe though. The walkers, they won’t attack us here.”

“How do you know that? You’re sick.” 

Julian touched his head, feeling the throbbing of an oncoming headache. He used to read medical books for fun, but Hershel was the only person with any sort of medical training. He didn’t just have the flu anymore, and everyone knew that. “I know enough.” He nudged Jimmy with his elbow, smiling a bit. “You didn’t just come here to ask me about a gun, did you?”

Jimmy shook his head. “I was reading Hershel’s books, the medicine ones. I was cross referencing symptoms from there with what your sister told me about you.” Nina had talked about his medical history? Fuck. Those files contained so much abuse and neglect it drove him insane. He was still that kid, no matter how much he wanted to pretend. “There’s a bunch of stuff that looks like it matches the stuff you’re suffering from.”

He blinked, and Patricia leaned on the door frame. “Is Jimmy going and yapping about stuff again?”

Julian pressed his lips together. “He had a theory about what I’m sick with.”

Patricia smiled, touching Julian’s cheek. “We have some theories, but I’d rather cross reference them with Hershel.” Julian frowned. They had theories? About him? What was going on? He chewed on his sandwich, trying to ignore the way Jimmy and Patricia were staring at him. They were making him uncomfortable. 

Once Jimmy and Patricia left the room, he learned that Lori and Shane had come back. He wasn’t even aware they had ever left. Nina, Glenn, Rick, and Hershel weren’t back yet. Why were they even letting her go after them? Nina was fifteen . She was a child. They only ever treated Julian like a baby, a toddler. He was far from being a kid, but he refused to let anyone know what happened. It would die with him. He had heard all about people taking secrets to the grave, but Julian never would have thought that he would become one of those kinds of people. 

He managed to make it to the porch, when he saw a car pulling up. Nina tumbled out from the back of the truck, breathing heavily. She was limping, but she seemed perfectly fine. Julian noticed Shane’s expression toward Nina. It was almost like he set her up for failure. Julian noted how Nina shouldered Shane before hugging Julian tight. She was shaking. 

“They called me a ‘piece of ass’,” Nina mumbled. Julian flinched. He gagged, but this wasn’t about him. “Rick shot him in the head. Jules, I was so scared.”

“He’s gone,” Julian whispered, touching her cheek. Julian wanted to tell her that she was safe now, and that it’ll never happen again, but he knew it would. That was how these things went down.  “I’m sorry for not being there.”

“Who the hell is that?” Shane asked. 

Blindfolded in the car was a boy around Julian’s age, maybe a year older. He was breathing heavily, and he was bleeding. Julian held Nina’s hand, glancing at Annette, who was standing on the porch. Julian knew they should’ve left. He knew he should’ve left with his sisters and never come back. God, why couldn’t he stop being sick? What was wrong with him? 

Hershel sighed. “Won't be on his feet for at least a week. When he is, we give him a canteen, take him out to the main road, send him on his way.”

Andrea frowned. “Isn’t that the same as leaving him for the walkers?”

Rick shook his head. “He’ll have a fighting chance.”

Nina flinched when Shane opened his mouth. She had an issue with Shane, and Julian was starting to have one too. He had heard about Shane attempting to shoot him yesterday, but he wanted to believe Shane wouldn’t do that to a member of their group, but after seeing his sister being left for dead by someone like that, Julian knew Shane was a terrible man. 

They were arguing about how they were going to deal with Randal. Julian suggested they kill him, which Nina cosigned. They were risking their safety for some kid. Nina obviously despised their group because of the man who insulted her. They found it immoral, Julian was getting tired of that shit. He was sick, and he wanted to keep himself alive for his sisters. Leaving this stranger in the area was not only putting the group in danger, but also the Greenes as well. This was a stupid idea on Rick’s end. Not everyone can be saved and converted.

Chapter Text

Nina despised men. The minute those men entered the bar, she knew they were trouble. She sat on the bar, fiddling with her bat. Hershel had asked her why she preferred her bat over a gun, and she only shrugged. This was a stupid rescue mission. The man had come willingly to a bar, during the end of the goddamn world. She respected it, even though it was incredibly stupid. 

The bigger man had been eyeing her since he walked in. Nina flipped him off, before he went to urinate on the floor. Men were pigs, vile beings driven solely by lust. She knew she didn’t like them romantically, but she was still known for eating them whole. Back when they were still in school, Nina used to make boys cry. She’d always been like that. Nina had never taken shit from a man, and she quite literally never would. 

  Not a lot of things made her uncomfortable, but being referred to as ‘a piece of ass’ ruined her day. Nina froze up in her spot, raising her bat. She had been around such kind men, ignoring Shane, that she had just forgotten all about men and their perverted thoughts. He made some off hand comment on repopulation, and she swung at the area beside his knees. Nina would never take that. She hated him, hated every god damn man on earth. 

Then she got to kill walkers, and she felt a little better. Walkers were her favorite things sometimes. Whenever she got upset, or needed an out, she always had something dead to kill. Nina killed twelve walkers before Randell began to scream. He was a teenager, and once again, Nina was reminded of her age. She saw how injured he was, and some part of her heart told her to help him. She ignored that feeling. Nina should have made them leave him there. 

She ended up in front of the barn. Nina stared at it, dragging her bat in the dirt. In this barn, Sophia died. In this barn, they kept the bodies of their loved ones. Nina needed a minute, or several minutes. She couldn’t think. She climbed up, laying down on the hay. She wondered if Sophia tried to climb up, save herself. Would it have made a difference?

Did that little girl die thinking they had forgotten about her?

Nina pushed her palms on her eyes. She almost died last night. Shane had told her to help look for Hershel, saying she was the best person for a rescue mission. She listened to him, and she was shot at, sexually harassed, and also, traumatized. Men were a disease. She should have killed Shane when she had the chance. Her life would’ve been so much easier if men all died. Men deserved to be executed, then maybe, she wouldn’t have this stupid, sinking feeling in her chest.

She was so god damn miserable now. She was having fun before, running around with her brother and sister. She loved her siblings, but why couldn’t she provide? She felt like Andrea sometimes, sitting on that stupid RV, with a bat in her lap, waiting for danger. She wasn’t supposed to be looking for it anymore. She was supposed to be there, in that house, playing dress up with that beautiful, grieving girl and her boyfriend. She was supposed to be a freshman in highschool by now, talking to boys about girls she liked. 

Nina felt the lump in her throat again. She cried. Nina cried and cried and cried. She screamed, throwing hay piles with sweat and blood coating her palms. She was looking for an out, trying to find something that made sense. She was supposed to love the danger, she had said so herself. Her mind felt like mush, like everything was falling apart. 

Julian was sick, and it wasn’t the flu. She knew that. She knew that he was sick with something else when she first met him, back when she was thirteen. His eyes were sunken, and he bruised far more easily than her. He had fingers of different shades of pale, and she knew it wasn’t normal. The Millers took him for tests, but what tests could you do for someone when you didn’t know what you were looking for?

And Annette—

Oh, her sweet baby sister. This wasn’t a world for her. Nina knew her sister was strong, that the horrors of the world had once brushed Annette’s eyes too. They were foster kids, given up by some cruel twisted fate. This group didn’t understand, they just kept pushing them. They sent Julian to look for Merle, they made Nina their errand girl, and they made Annette babysit the adults. They weren’t adults, but this group, they thought they were. Nina was so fucking tired.

She wiped her tears, climbing down the ladder. Nina looked at the barn, at the wood torn away. Sophia had come here, looking for safety. There were no more safe places left in this world. Nina knew that now, because a member of this god damn group had sent her to her death. 

When she returned to the house, she overheard Lori and Andrea arguing. She knew the two of them didn’t get along. Nina leaned her bat on the wall, sighing. She pushed her hair behind her ears, hands in her pocket. 

“This could've been handled better,” Andrea said, leaning on the wall.

Lori stopped cleaning the plate in her hand. “How so?”

Nina offered her hand to Lori, taking the plate from her. Lori smiled at her, ruffing her hair before turning to Andrea. That woman looked insane. “You shouldn't have taken the knife away.”

Nina almost dropped the plate. Beth. They were arguing about Beth’s attempt to kill herself. Was this happening while she was chasing a ghost, or crying in that barn? God, she shouldn’t have gotten attached. Nina loved so easily, but she trusted Beth too. Nina focused on the water running down her hands, shaking a little.

“Excuse me?”

Andrea scoffed. “You were wrong, like Dale taking my gun. That wasn't your decision. She has to choose to live on her own. She has to find her own reasons.” Yeah, because Andrea was the best person for fucking life advice.

“Want me to tie a noose for her?”

“If she's serious, she'll figure out a way.

Lori shook her head. “Doesn't mean I can't stop her or let her know that I care.”

“That has nothing to do with it, Lori. She only has so many choices in front of her, and she believes the best one is suicide.” Nina dropped the plate in the sink. Nina knew what it was like. That feeling of no hope. When she lived in that house, with that angry man, Nina wanted to kill herself. She contemplated drinking all his alcohol, and all his pills at once, but it didn’t work. It never worked. She lived. She wanted to live. 

“That's not an option,” Lori Grimes, the voice of fucking reason, said.  

“Of course it is. She doesn't need to be yelled at or treated like a child.” That mentality was bullshit. She hated it. She wanted to throw this plate at Andrea, remind her what it was like to be a teenager and scared. 

“She needs a loaded gun, right? You'll understand if I don't send you in there.”

Andrea put her foot down. “I came through it–

“—and became such a productive member of the group.” Point Lori!! Lori sent a nasty stink eye toward Andrea. She threw a towel on the counter. “Let Maggie handle this her way.”

“I contribute. I help keep this place safe.”

Bullshit. Nina revoked her statement of feeling like Andrea. Andrea didn’t do shit. That RV watch, as she put it, was bullshit. Nina and Julian were out there, scavenging, risking their lives. “The men can handle this on their own.” The men…Julian and Nina were men now, weren’t they? “They don't need your help.”

“I'm sorry. What would you have me do?” 

Lori shook her head, laughing bitterly. “Oh, there's plenty of work to go around.”

Andrea’s eyes widened. “Are you serious? Everything falls apart, you're in my face over skipping laundry?” It wasn’t just laundry. Nina would’ve loved to help with laundry, but she was one of the only people left. She was fast, she was strong, and she was bait. 

“Puts a burden on the rest of us, on me and Carol, and Patricia and Maggie. Cooking, cleaning and caring for Beth. And you—you don't care about anyone but yourself—You sit up on that RV, working on your tan with a shotgun in your lap.”

“No, I am on watch against walkers. That is what matters, not fresh mint leaves in the lemonade.”

Nina threw a towel on the ground, slamming her hands on the island. “You don’t do anything .” Lori’s eyes widened, and so did Andrea’s. “ I go on runs. I kill walkers. You sit there on top of that stupid RV, laughing and pretending to shoot people. Last time you shot something, it was me and Daryl.” Lori covered her mouth with her hand, swallowing. “I do more for this group than a grown woman. Shouldn’t you feel a little embarrassed for yourself? You’re fucking embarrassing.”

“And we are providing stability. We are trying to create a life worth living.” Andrea opened her mouth, but Nina picked up the steak knife. “Look, I went after Rick. I took down two walkers. Don't act like you're the only one who can take care of herself—” Andrea chipped in with: “after crashing Maggie’s car?” This woman needed a fucking exorcism. “Crashing her—You're insane.”

“No, you are, and you're the one that's self-centered, the way you take it all for granted.”

Nina’s left eye twitched. “My husband is out there for the hundredth time. My son was shot. Don't you dare tell me I take this for granted.”

Andrea laughed. “You don't get it, do you? Your husband came back from the dead, your son too. And now you've got a baby on the way. The rest of us have piled up our losses—Me, Carol, Beth, you ”—she glanced at Nina—“but you just keep on keeping on. We have all suffered. Playing house, acting like the queen bee, laying down rules for everybody but yourself. You know what? Go ahead. Go in there and tell that little girl that everything's gonna be okay, just like it is for you.” She smirked. “She'll get a husband, a son, baby, boyfriend .” She pressed her lips together, tilting her head. “She just has to look on the bright side.”

Nina watched Andrea storm out. Nina touched Lori’s shoulder, leaning her head on it. “I’m sorry about her.”

Lori shook her head, touching Nina’s cheeks. “I’m sorry to you . We need to stop sending you out, and keep you here. You deserve to be a kid.”

Nina shivered. “I’m not a kid. I haven’t been one in a very long time. I do what I can to keep you safe…” She smiled, pressing her lips together. “I’ll keep you, Carl, and the baby safe. I’d do anything for you.”

Beth then took a piece of mirror across her wrist, tearing it apart. Julian had been there with Lori and Maggie, pressing tissues to her wound. He felt bad, he really did. Nina knew this was something Julian didn’t want to do, judging by his cloudy eyes. He was upset by this situation. Nina almost bashed Andrea’s head in. 

She stared at her bat that night, laying beside Julian. He had gone to sleep throwing up… again. She should name her bat, like every other person who played sports. 

Nina turned on her side, facing the wall. She closed her eyes. Her mind rested on one name only: Sophia.

Chapter Text

Julian joined the rest of the group around their camp. He had a permanent bed in Hershel’s house, because there was a theory on what he had. Hershel didn’t have the equipment, nor the degree to diagnose him, but he knew a thing or two. They called it Lupus, and there were different types. They just didn’t know which type. He was fine though, so it didn’t matter. 

“Boy there's got a gang, 30 men,” Daryl said, coming back from the shed where they were keeping Randall. They have heavy artillery and they ain't looking to make friends. They roll through here, our boys are dead. And our women, they're gonna—They're gonna wish they were.” I’m going to make you wish we killed you . Julian’s hands shook. 

Carol noticed Daryl’s knuckles were all busted up. “What did you do?”

Daryl shrugged. “Had a little chat.”

Rick sighed, looking around. He put his hands on his hips. “We have no choice. He's a threat.

We have to eliminate the threat.”

Dale gawked at him, frowning. He adjusted his hat. “You're just gonna kill him?” He looked around the group. “You can't do this. You don't wanna do this. I know you don't.” Rick had thought about it all night. Julian wanted this kid dead too, especially the rest of his group. Monsters… rapists . Julian hoped walkers tore them apart. “But you can't just decide on your own to take someone's life.”

“The group seemed supportive—”

“What, because they didn't speak back? You didn't let 'em.”

Julian and Nina decided to pay him a visit. He titled his head, sitting and staring. Nina sat there, leaning on her bat. She had named it, and armed it with wires. Her bat’s name was Sophia, and when Nina told Carol at breakfast, the woman cried and gave her a kiss on the head. “So, asshole, tell us about the girls.”

Randall’s eyes widened. “What do you mean?”

Julian titled his head. “The girls. The ones your group raped ,” Nina spat, spitting on Randall’s healed wound. Randall shook his head. 

“I—I didn’t touch ‘em. I watched them. I was new to their group. They wouldn’t let me—”

“So you stood there and watched two girls get brutally assaulted,” Julian said, fiddling with the safety of his gun. He smiled, before sighing. “Listen, you’re going to die soon. Simple. Whether it’ll be us, your group, or the damn geeks around the corner—that’s up to you.” Julian inched closer, running his gun down Randall’s cheek. The boy whimpered. “When you die, even if you didn’t touch those girls, hell’s gonna welcome you.”

Nina grinned. “Boys like you, Randall, they don’t live very long. You’re a coward.” Nina grabbed a fistfall of Randall’s hair, pushing his head back so he could face them. Both Nina and Julian stared at him, eyes narrowed. “I can’t wait to see you bleed.”

“Please, you gotta believe me. I didn’t touch them. I told them it was wrong—”

Julian hit him with the tip of his gun in the shoulder. “They were left for dead. You let them. It was your group . I don’t give a damn if you didn’t touch them. You wat–watched them violate them. You got off on it, didn’t you? Hear their moans and wonder if you’d die a virgin, huh?” Julian wasn’t sure if he was talking about the girls anymore, and judging by Nina’s expression, he knew she was confused by his words. “You’re a piece of shit.”

Nina dropped Randall’s head. The boy was sobbing. Julian didn’t feel bad. They left him crying in the shed. Nina looked at the door, calling him a lame ass. Nina sat on the ground, staring at Julian. “You wanna talk about whatever that was?”

“He’s friends with rapists. I wanted it to sink in.”

Nina frowned. “Julian, did anything ever—”

“What the hell are you doing? Nobody put you two on guard,” Daryl pointed out. He was walking back up. Julian and Nina shared a look. “Ain’t you supposed to be on bed rest?” Julian pouted, and Daryl ruffled his hair. “Listen, I ain’t upset. Just tell me what you were doing before I gotta hear that bald fuck bitch and moan about kids being by the shed.”

“We were just messing with him,” Nina mumbled, rolling her eyes. “He was in a group of rapists , Dixon. I’m not letting that slide. Why would anyone let that slide?”

Daryl pinched the bridge of his nose. “I get that. Fucker deserves to be beat to shit, but you can’t go in there.” He touched the top of Nina and Julian’s heads, sighing. “Go play or something. Be a kid, both of you. I ain’t responsible for the shit that would happen in there.” Julian and Nina both nodded, kicking the dirt. Daryl motioned for them to run along, and they did just that. 

They made it as far as the tire swing before Dale stopped them. He seemed out of breath, and Julian tilted his head in confusion. “Glad I caught the two—three of you.” Annette ran up to them, jumping on Nina’s back. The girl was still so light, and Julian knew it was because of malnourishment. “I wanted to talk about Randall.”

“Let him die,” Nina said, squeezing Annette’s ankles. “I don’t want him near us. I don’t want some rapist’s friend around my sister.” She swallowed, glancing at Julian. She nudged him with her foot. He hadn’t even realized he was swaying. “I want him to pay.”

“We can’t play judge and jury without giving him a trial.”

Julian rolled his eyes. “No way in hell would I ever sit there and watch some son of a bitch get a trial.” Dale blinked in a shock. Right, Julian didn’t swear. He didn’t like to. He did sometimes, especially in his head, but he despised it. It always made him sound a lot more like his mother. “I don’t know him, and I don’t plan on it.” He shakily took a breath. “Do you know what he let them do to them?” His voice was cracking and he didn’t know why. Dale slowly touched Julian’s shoulder, keeping him from shaking some more.

“I heard from Daryl. That doesn’t make him a murderer nor a rapist.”

“You’re right,” Julian said, his voice low. “It makes him a witness .”

Julian made sure to keep Nina in good spirits. They all piled on the bed, in silence. Nina flipped through a book while Julian braided Annette’s hair. He learned how to braid for Nina, actually. Back when they first met, Nina asked him if he knew how to braid. He learned and now Annette and Nina used it to calm down. He talked about things that he knew his sisters would find interesting. He had taught them how to make a molotov cocktail during their stay in the hotel. Annette found it interesting, while Nina preferred her bat. Her Sophia. Julian asked her why she picked Sophia, and she said it was because Sophia fought until the very end. 

“Tell me again how to make a bomb,” Annette asked, fiddling with the journal Glenn and Lori had given him. She had been doodling on two specific pages, humming to herself. “Pretty please?”

Nina snorted and flipped a page in her book. “Yeah, Jules, tell us how to build a bomb.” Julian flicked her in the forehead. 

He learned a bunch of useless information. It was all he liked to do. It was either space or little facts he couldn’t ever really need. He learned about pipe bombs while researching the Unibomber. “Pipe bombs are usually made from a steel pipe sealed at both ends and filled with an explosive mixture, like gunpowder or chlorate. A fuse, either electric or standard, and you put it through a hole in the pipe. High explosives like TNT are rarely used because of how annoying they are to access and also because it’s hard to contain the pipe. Sharp objects like nails or glass are also used to increase the bomb's lethality.”

“Yeah, okay, Wikipedia,” Nina teased.

Julian frowned. “I am never helping you build a bomb.”

“Yeah, because we would totally need that in the future.”

There was a meeting about what to do with Randall at night. Nina and Julian tried to get Annette to listen in, but they kept saying it was an ‘adult only meeting’, ironic since neither Nina nor Julian were adults. They sat on the floor, sitting like children waiting for story time.

“So how do we do this? Just take a vote? Does it have to be unanimous? How about majority rules?”

“Well, let's-- let's just see where everybody stands, then we can talk through the options.

“Well, where I sit, there's only one way to move forward—”

“Killing him, right?” Dale asked, narrowing his eyes at everyone in the room. 

Listen, Julian loved Dale. The man had helped them more than they knew, but this group was so stupid sometimes. They argued about everything…all the damn time. He pinched the bridge of his nose, Nina leaning her head on his shoulder. They watched them all argue like cavemen, picking each other’s insecurities. 

“So the answer is to kill him to prevent a crime that he may never even attempt? If we do this, we're saying there's no hope.” Dale’s voice wavered. Julian knew it was only a matter of time before he cracked. “Rule of law is dead. There is no civilization.” They argued some more, and Nina rolled her eyes.

“Anybody who wants the floor before we make a final decision has the chance.”

Nina stood up, clapping her hands together. Everyone turned to her, and she gave them a fake smile. “You all are pussies. Kill him.” They flinched, and Julian knew it was because she was a kid. She rolled her eyes. “You are so embarrassing. You need to do the right thing. He’s part of a gang, a gang of fucking rapists. You heard what Daryl said, the women will wish they were dead.” She looked around the room, hands on her hips. Nina looked down. “I have an eleven year old sister, who I have spent a long time taking care of.” Her eyes twitched. “I don’t care whatever you wanna do with his corpse, but I want him gone.” Julian nodded, high fiving Nina. She sat back down.

“You once said that we don't kill the living—”

Rick put his foot down. “Well, that was before the living tried to kill us.”

Dale looked like he wanted to tear his hair out, or what was left of it anyway. “But don't you see? If we do this, the people that we were—The world that we knew is dead and this new world is ugly. It's...harsh. It's—it's survival of the fittest and that's a world I don't wanna live in, and I don't—and I don't believe that any of you do.” He was begging them to feel something, anything. Nina didn’t care, and neither did Julian. Randall needed to die. “I can't. Please. Let's just do what's right. Isn't there anybody else who's gonna stand with me?”

They banned Nina and Julian from watching Randall get shot. Daryl made them clean his remaining arrows. Annette was already sleeping upstairs, and Nina was falling asleep in Julian’s lap. He was dozing off too when he heard screaming. He flinched away, and Nina ran to grab her bat. They ran toward the screaming with the rest of the group. Nina fell to the ground beside Andrea. The source of the screaming was Dale. Julian stared at the organs spilling out of Dale, his lower intestine completely hanging out of the cavity the walker had created. 

Nina was sobbing. This was probably the only time Andrea and Nina would ever agree. Julian heard Annette run up behind her, and cuddled up to him. Rick was screaming for Hershel, but Julian knew nothing would save him. His insides were too far gone. He hid his face in his hands. Dale was dead. There was a walker dead beside him. 

“He’s suffering,” Andrea sobbed, looking up at everyone. “Do something.” Nina wiped her eyes with her forearms. She was miserably trying to push Dale’s intestines back into his body. Andrea was touching her cheek. They were hysterical. “Please.” 

“I’m sorry, brother.”

Then they shot Dale in the head. 

Chapter Text

“Dale could—could get under your skin. He sure got under mine, because he wasn't afraid to say exactly what he thought, how he felt. That kind of honesty is rare and brave. Whenever I'd make a decision, I'd look at Dale. He'd be looking back at me with that look he had. We've all seen it one time or another. I couldn't always read him, but he could read us. He saw people for who they were. He knew things about us—The truth...who we really are. In the end, he was talking about losing our humanity. He said this group was broken. The best way to honor him is to unbreak it. Set aside our differences and pull together, stop feeling sorry for ourselves and take control of our lives...our safety...our future. We're not broken. We're gonna prove him wrong. From now on...we're gonna do it his way. That is how we honor Dale.”

Nina couldn’t breathe. Dale was dead. 

They were to move into the house, since there was now a threat of walkers. Nina was to help bring in stuff, but Andrea wasn’t allowed in. They had sat beside Dale’s grave in silence. They didn’t talk, they didn’t cry. They just sat there, staring. Nina wondered if Andrea still hated her, just like she still hated her.

She lay down on Beth’s bed, tilting her head. “What’re you thinking about?”

Beth fiddled with the bandage around her arm. “Was I selfish for doing this?” She raised her arm to prove her point. Nina shook her head, and Beth frowned. “How can you even say that?”

“I tried to kill myself once.” Beth looked up. “I was living in a shitty house with an even shittier man. I wanted to go out. Then I lived. Now, I feel better.”

“Does it get better?” Beth asked. 

Nina pressed her lips together, turning on her side. She thought about it, long and hard. There were therapy sessions, and consoling women to hold her hand. Nina looked at Beth, taking in her soft, pink lips and doe eyes. “It gets better. You just need time.”

“How much time?”

“I don’t know.” She touched Beth’s hand, running her thumb over the bandages. She didn’t want to lie, didn’t want to give Beth that false hope every doctor had given Nina since then. “But you learn to live with it. It’s like a sinking feeling, and you feel like shit at all the time. I had bad days before this whole thing started, and I have bad days now. No matter what happens, I learn to live with myself. Eventually, you will too.”

Beth opened her mouth, and then Julian stood right in the door. “I need to talk to you. It’s important.”

They were taking Randall out. They were going to drive him out, and then leave him there alone. Nina loved this idea, but Julian, on the other hand, hated it. He claimed punishment wasn’t enough for Randall, and that walkers should just tear him apart. Nina thought there was more to the story. There had to be. Nina wanted to bludgeon Ed Peletier in the head when they first met, because he reminded Nina of her former foster father, the one she murdered. That was her trauma, her bad moment that shaped her.

Unless you counted her mom dying of cancer as a kid, and her father disappearing. She didn’t even remember her dad’s name, but her mother, it stuck with her. Lucille Lee. That's why she was Nina Lee Miller. Her mother was gone, and yet, she kept going. There was a trauma in Julian’s mind he never vocalized, but Nina was wondering if it had anything to do with what happened within Randall’s group. She wanted to ask him, but one look at her brother was enough to shut her up. 

They asked Annette what she thought about everything, and Annette hated it. She said he was a bad person and deserve bad things to happen to him. They sat in that room, trying to see if what was happening worked. Annette also said anyone driving Randall out would get hurt. “You aren’t going, right?” Annette asked, glancing between Nina and Julian. “Right?”

“I’m not,” Nina promised, seeing Julian press his lips together. His fever had gotten better on its own, which is insane to her. She wondered if he had always had lupus, but they didn’t have a doctor to be sure if it was even the thing he had. “Julian and I will both stay. The adults can handle it. We’re staying right here.”

That made Annette smile.

Nina pretended to ignore the way Julian’s expression fell. 

They went for a walk toward the end of the day, finding flowers for Sophia’s grave. Annette really liked finding lilies, which were pretty common on Hershel’s land, especially near the well. Julian was walking around with that journal from Glenn, writing nonsense down. Nina tried to lean over and get a peek, but her brother would just hide it all over again. 

She held the basket to her sister when she heard someone yell. “Randall's missing.” Nina dropped the basket of flowers. Annette immediately took out a knife, which looked like it belonged to Daryl. They’d all been getting closer to Daryl Dixon, and Nina was grateful for him. She took care of him when he started hallucinating his brother, and he made sure she didn’t die from malnourishment. She hated how she sometimes looked for his approval. He was like a dad.

“Missing? How–how long has he been gone?”

Nina looked around and the Millers were on guard. Friends of rapists were the most elusive kinds of people. Nina wanted to let walkers kill him, like it was supposed to. Now he was out there, in the world, probably already bringing his friends to the farm. Nina wasn’t going to let that happen. She didn’t care if that would make her a murderer, Nina would keep Randall away from her family. 

“He must've slipped 'em.”

Everyone looked around. “Is that possible?”

Andrea pinched the bridge of her nose. “It is if you've got nothing to lose.”

Nina nudged the lock with the tip of her foot. “It was locked from the outside, geniuses.” She looked up. “Wouldn’t that mean—”

Shane came limping in, screaming. He was bleeding from her nose. Nina liked the scene a lot. “He's armed! He's got my gun!” Nina sensed bullshit dripping from his words. Just when she was starting to calm down from the anger of before, it came back again. Shane had sent her to die, and now he was getting beaten to death? Sure, okay. “Little bastard just snuck up on me. He clocked me in the face.”

Rick turned to the group, pointing to the group. “All right, Hershel, T-Dog, get everybody back in the house. Glenn, Daryl, come with us.” He met Nina’s gaze, and sighed. “Nina, Julian, are you coming?” The kids with weapons. Annette screamed into her hands, hiding her face in Nina’s shirt. Nina felt Annette slip her knife into her hand, shaking. 

Nina kissed her little sister’s forehead and ran after the men, Julian beside her. “This reeks of shit,” Nina whispered as they walked. She fiddled with the knife, eyes narrowed at Shane. “He’s lying.”

“Figures,” Julian said, fiddling with the barrel of his gun. Nina watched his eyes, how sad they looked. She made sure to grab his hand, and they walked behind the adults, fingers interlocked. “He’s acting suspicious. His nose has splinters.”

“You think he did it to himself?” Julian nodded. Nina dropped his hand, and raised Annette’s knife. She walked behind Shane, contemplating stabbing him in the head. Julian stopped her just as Daryl turned to look at them. Nina waved, awkwardly smiling at him. He gave them a look, and they stopped their attempt on Shane’s life.

“I saw him head up through the trees that way before I blacked out. I'm not sure how long.”

Nina hoped Randall would come and kill Shane, and everything would be better. Then, they’d kill Randall in self defense and life would be so much better. Everyone turned to Daryl. “Can you track him?”

Daryl shook his head. “No, I don't see anything.”

Shane groaned in frustration. “Hey, look, there ain't no use in tracking him, okay?”

“He went that way. We need to pair up.”

“We spread out, we just chased him down. That's it.”

“Kid weighs a buck-25 soaking wet,” Daryl pointed out. “Are you trying to tell us he got the jump on you?”

Rick pinched the bridge of his nose. “Alright, knock it off. You and Glenn start heading up the right flank. Me and Shane'll take the left. Remember, Randall's not the only threat out there. Keep an eye out for each other.”

The men split up, waiting for the teenagers. Julian, giving Nina a look, went with Shane and Rick. He kissed her cheek and gave her a quick hug. Nina watched him disappear into the woods with a psycho and a shitty cop. Nina turned to Daryl and Glenn, fiddling with the knife. She didn’t trust Shane, and she didn't want her brother hurt. “There's two sets of tracks right here,” Daryl said, leaning down to the ground. “Shane must've followed him a lot longer than he said.”

“Bullshit,” Nina mumbled. She had picked up some of Daryl’s tracking habits. These weren’t just following someone around footsteps, no, they were on purpose. Nina frowned. “There is no way in hell Shane followed up on this shit.”

Daryl raised an eyebrow, motioning to the tree he found. “There's fresh blood on this tree. There's more tracks. Looks like they're walking in tandem.” He frowned, glancing back at Nina and Glenn. “Yeah, there was a little dust up right here.”

“What does that mean?” Glenn asked. Daryl and Nina stared at him.

“It means something went down, dummy.” Glenn flicked her shoulder. 

“This is getting really weird.”

They wandered around, looking through the dark atmosphere. There were footsteps and a branch snapping. Nina almost threw up. There were walkers around here, weren’t there? Has Randall come back for round two? Was he plotting something nefarious? Her hands were shaking. 

Randall was a walker. He pounced on Glenn. Nina tripped him and Glenn stabbed him. He had zero bites, and Nina knew he had died and came back without being infected. She kicked him, tempted to cut him open and see what was happening. 

“No, I'm telling you he died from this.”

Nina frowned. She knelt down, poking the corpse with her knife. “That shouldn’t be possible.”