Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Henry doesn’t fall asleep at all that night.

To be honest, he doesn’t even bother trying, his mind racing too much, thoughts, feelings, all flitting by too fast to make proper sense of them, his heart both swelling and breaking with every breath he takes, every second that passes, every exhale of Alex’ that caresses his bare shoulder. He both wants to stare at Alex, drink his fill, memorize every bit of inch of him, as if he hasn’t done this many a time before, and flee his bed, away from the sleeping man next to him, lest he does something else he’ll regret.

Henry wants to touch him, ghost his fingers over his face, arms, fingers, everywhere he can reach, but he doesn’t dare reach out, doesn’t dare risking waking the man next to him up, too afraid he’ll never let go if he touches him again, too afraid to see the hope in Alex’ eyes no matter how much he tries to hide it. Or maybe he’s too afraid to see the absence of hope in them, utter heartbreak replacing it instead, the tears that ran both their faces last night returning.

He doesn’t know what he’d rather see.

What does it, in the end, is Alex turning onto his front, closer to Henry, nose burying in the side of his pillow, hand reaching out towards his own. Henry pulls back, avoiding Alex’ hand latching onto his own, slipping out of bed instead, as quickly and quietly as he can. He eyes Alex warily, who stirs but otherwise doesn’t wake up, mumbling something unintelligibly, hand twitching and grasping onto the sheets in lieu of Henry’s own.

Henry wants nothing more than to feel those fingers on his skin, those fingers grasping his hand, wrist, whatever they would’ve landed on. Wants to have that arm slung around him, being pulled back against Alex’ body, feeling warm, loved, safe . 

Except he can’t.

If Henry lets himself have it, would let himself indulge in it, he wouldn’t have the strength to do what he needs to do. Wouldn’t have the strength to tell Alex to leave, to his face, just like he demanded he’d do. Because for all that he loves Alex, wants Alex, wants his safety, comfort, love, endless support and patience, he wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t want this life. Didn’t want the scrutiny, the endless dissecting of their lives, even more so than what was already being done. He’s barely coping with it all as it is. 

And, well… Henry stares at Alex, knowing he can’t be the one to hold him back. Won’t be the one to stop him from achieving his dreams, because he knows, knows , he’s got so much to give, so much good in him. Knows he’d be shining so bright, that he could be such a shining beacon of hope for so many others, and if it means that he has to break things off now, he will. Even when it’ll break both their hearts. 

Henry gets dressed silently, brushes his hair, his teeth, puts his ring back on his pinky, twisting it around as he steps back into the room. Alex is still asleep, having rolled back onto his back, one arm draped over his chest, hand resting on his heart. His other arm is still reaching out for Henry, grasping the sheets firmly between his fingers. Tears well up in his eyes as he thinks about Alex doing this all the time, reaching out, searching for Henry even in his sleep, wonders if he does that when at home too, his hand maybe clutching his phone in an attempt to be closer to Henry, especially if they’d fallen asleep while calling. He doesn’t want to think about how long Alex is going to continue to do this, because his heart will shatter into even more pieces than it’s already doing. Instead he takes a deep breath, trying to wrestle his emotions in some semblance of control, deciding that a cup of tea is probably the best course of action, and slowly and softly opening the door of his bedroom.

It is at that moment that Alex stirs in the bed once again. Henry freezes, rooted to the spot, but lets out a relieved breath when the man keeps on sleeping. The relief is short lived, however, for he starts mumbling again. At first Henry can’t make it out, which isn’t too uncommon a thing, for he rarely had been able to make out what Alex muttered if he had been awake to hear it. But then -

‘Hen, Henry, love you, please, please ,’ Alex says, clear enough for Henry to make out. His fist flies to his mouth, trying in vain to suppress a sob, and he flees the room, because he needs to get out, out , away from Alex, even if he knows those words are going to haunt him forever, the begging, the pleading, even if he doesn’t know what he’s pleading for . He’s sure his imagination can fill in those blanks easily enough.

Henry ends up outside. It’s absolutely pouring, but he doesn’t mind it one bit, welcomes it, even, the rain mingling with the tears streaming down his face, washing them away, hopefully hiding the fact that he’s been crying along with it. He intends to go on a run, but can’t make himself to, leaning instead against a tree trunk, far enough away from the property to be relatively alone, but close enough to remain in the PPO’s line of vision. He stays there, just thinking, trying to delay the inevitable, wishing, hoping, like the coward he knows he is, deep down, that Alex will just leave, come to the conclusion himself that Henry is not the person he wants to be with, no matter what he says. He knows the chances are slim, though, knows that it’s far more likely for Alex to come searching for him, just like he sought him out here. He wishes he had his bravery, his optimism, wishes he could believe that they could make it work, somehow, despite all the odds. Wishes things were different, so they could just be , be happy, in love, instead of miserable, sad, heartbroken. As it is, they are not, and they aren’t likely to change any time soon, if ever.

Eventually, Henry makes his way back inside, even if only because he started shivering so much there was no use in staying out, not without causing additional worrying from Alex, not without risking himself getting sick, and getting berated by both Philip and his gran for not taking care of himself well enough. Royals, after all, weren’t meant to be sick, to get sick, would be expected to continue their duties for as long as they could even if they were. And, well, if he was to be thrown into a lot of duties, Henry would indeed rather not be sick. It was difficult enough without that being thrown into it all.

Unfortunately for him, however, the kitchen is not empty as soon as he enters it. Philip is sitting at the table, pouring over some documents, plain toast in his hand as he’s poised to take a bite from it, looking up as Henry shuts the door behind him.

‘You’re soaking wet,’ he admonishes. Henry sighs, moves past him as he makes his way to the kettle so he can make himself some tea.

‘Good morning, Philip,’ Henry answers, ignoring the pointed comment as he opens a cabinet so he can grab himself a mug. He bites his lip as he stares at the assortment of mugs, debating whether he should make Alex a cup of coffee. Despite everything, he cares about him, has told the man that he loved him, wanted it even, even if it wasn’t enough, even if what they wanted in life were too different, even if Alex insisted they were not. Regardless, he doesn’t think it’s that fair to have this upcoming conversation without giving the man at least some caffeine to help him through it. He’d probably need something to hold on to, to be able to hide himself behind. Or, maybe he doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean that Henry can’t at least offer him this, whether he ends up drinking the substance or not. It doesn’t mean that Henry stopped caring about him, doubts he’s even capable of stopping. 

‘Henry, why are you soaking wet?’ Philip asks, setting down his toast and cutting through Henry’s line of thought. 

‘As you might have seen, it’s raining outside. One tends to get wet when going outside without an umbrella.’ Henry pointedly doesn’t look at his brother, as he grabs a second mug so he can fill that one with coffee, one sugar, and a bit of cinnamon, just like he’d seen Alex making it for himself. He’s not sure if he got the amount of cinnamon right, but he likes to think he’d made a decent effort into getting it just the way he likes.

‘You know there’s staff who can walk your dog for you, right? It doesn’t do if you end up getting sick because of this reckless behaviour.’ Henry sighs, turns to look at his brother, who has raised his eyebrow and looks at him disdainfully, just like he couldn’t hold the disdain out of his voice when mentioning David. They’d never gotten along.

‘As you can see,’ Henry says. ‘David isn’t here. I went out for a run, didn’t realise it was raining until it was too late. I’m sure I’ll be fine, but thank you for your concern.’ Physically, at least. Henry was quite positive, after all, that mentally he’d be a lot worse off than ever before, but then, that wasn’t something he could tell Philip. His brother would be of the opinion that he just needed to brush it off, would tell him to stop being so emotional and act like the man he was, that emotions were unbecoming for men, let alone a Prince. Telling Philip about it would be as useful as talking to a brick wall, which is to say, not helpful at all.

‘Hmm, as long as you know that, if you do get yourself sick, you’d still be expected to do your duties.’ Philip doesn’t add that grandmother would never allow anything else to happen, but he doesn’t need to. The words are as clear to Henry as if they had been spoken.

‘I’m well aware, Philip, thank you. Now, if you’ll excuse me.’ He doesn’t wait for an answer to come; he just grabs both mugs and turns his back on his brother in order to leave the question. It’s just as well, really, for Philip doesn’t seem to deign this with a word anyway, the crunch of the toast he’s biting into a clear enough dismissal as any.

When Henry returns to his bedroom, mugs precariously held in one hand for the moment it takes to open and close the door, he finds Alex awake in bed, looking for all the world like he’d just woken up, yet with a hurt and, dare he say it, haunted , look in his eyes that instantly gets replaced with something that looks a lot like relief and a glimmer of hope the second they land on Henry.

Henry looks away, focussing on rearranging the mugs in his hand, for it’s all he can do not to burst into tears all over again. He tries to take slow, deep, measured breaths, tries to swallow around the lump in his throat, tries to keep his voice steady as he says: ‘I… ah… got you some coffee.’

He isn’t sure if he succeeds. 

Whether he manages to or not, as he takes the few steps forward towards the bed and raises his gaze back up towards the love of his life, he can see that the hope in the young man’s eyes isn’t yet lost. It’s still there, in his gaze, even if the relief has been replaced with a look that could better be described as a mixture of concern and wariness. Somehow Henry gets the feeling that, while Alex doesn’t know where this is going, while he doesn’t know what to expect , he’s still more worried about Henry than about anything else.

It’s something that mends his heart and shatters it at the same time, something Henry didn’t even know was possible. But it makes him feel guilty too, because he’s not worth it, has never been worth it, but especially not after what he’s done, what he’s about to do. He doesn’t understand why someone like Alex, someone so bright, so vibrant, so full of life and fight and hope and love, loves him. How he could want to fight for Henry, for them , how, after everyone who’s left him at some point in his life, Henry included, Henry was still worth fighting for , when he could have so much more without needing to compromise who he was. It just doesn’t make sense.

And yet, ‘Thanks,’ is all Alex murmurs as he takes his mug from Henry. He doesn’t say anything else, though he doesn’t try to hide the hurt either when Henry actively avoids touching him in any way shape or form. Alex just cradles the mug in his hands, holding it just a little bit too tight for it to pass as relaxed, the wariness still present in his eyes as he takes Henry in, waiting, effectively leaving the ball in Henry’s court.

Henry absolutely hates it, but he knows it has to be this way, that he has to be the one to initiate the conversation, no matter how hard it’s going to be. The thing is, though, that he doesn’t know how to start it. For all the words he has at his disposal, for all that he seems to manage to find the words if it was an e-mail, or a poem, he never feels able to find those same words if they needed to be spoken. No matter how hard he tries… he doesn’t know how to start.

‘Did you have a mishap in the kitchen?’ Alex says eventually, trying to break the ice, getting some kind of conversation going because Henry certainly took too long to do so.

‘No?’ Henry answers, hesitantly, for this was not where he thought this conversation was going to do, and he’s entirely confused as to why Alex would think that such a thing happened, until Alex makes a vague gesture towards his still soaking wet clothes.

‘Oh,’ Henry says. ‘No. No, I just went for a run, needed to think for a moment, maybe clear my head a bit. I ended up not running all that much, to be honest, considering it’s pissing it down outside, and I didn’t quite realise it until I was already out in it.’ Now that he realises it, he actually really wants to take off his sodden clothes, but on the other hand, he also very much doesn’t want to, if only because he feels like it would be highly counterproductive to the conversation they need to have.

‘Did - did it help?’ Alex asks, tentatively, as if he’s trying to help him, guide him towards where he needs to be, except with the air of someone who both wants to do it and doesn’t want to do it, standing on the precipice and not knowing whether he can jump safely, and doing it anyway, like he’s been doing all along, over and over again. Henry wishes he had his bravery, his strength. Wishes he could be there to catch him. Hates that he won’t.

‘Not exactly,’ Henry admits, because at least he can do this. ‘Though I would presume that walking into Philip when I came back in didn’t exactly help matters.’ He shrugs. 

‘Philip’s here?’ Alex asks, before he can even think about continuing his line of thought.

‘Yes,’ Henry answers. ‘Though I’m quite certain he isn’t aware of the fact that you’re here, and he should be leaving fairly soon as it is. I believe he had several meetings nearby.’ Not that it mattered much, really, what his plans were, or that Henry cared , but still. He watches as Alex nods at that, takes a sip of his coffee. Henry mirrors the latter movement, in the hopes that the steaming mug of Earl Grey can give him the strength he so desperately needs. It probably won’t, but Henry figures that trying can’t hurt.

‘Regardless… I just… Christ, Alex, I’m so sorry.’ As soon as Henry says the words, he can see the walls going up within Alex, how he is immediately on the fence, on edge, as if he’s bracing himself for the blow that he, deep down, knows will likely follow, yet also as if he’s gearing himself up for a fight. Henry doesn’t know what he’d rather see out of those two options, because either way Alex is going to end up hurt and he so, so wishes he could prevent it from happening. It’s just that whether it happens now, or in a few weeks, months, years, maybe, it’s an inevitability. One way or another he will drag Alex down, make him resent him, and if he can do anything to prevent that from happening, he has to sever the ties now. Maybe at least this way they can still somehow, in some way, remain friends, even if only in the future when it’s all settled down.

‘Sorry for… what, exactly?’ The words have an edge to it that Henry has never heard from Alex in his life, and it makes him terrified, really, if only because he can’t get a read on him. But it’s also such a loaded question, a question that can be answered in a multitude of ways and still not encompass everything he’s trying to tell Alex, and he truly doesn’t know how to best answer this. Still, he has to try.

‘As I was thinking,’ Henry says, slowly, trying to find the words he so desperately needs. Tries to approach it as if he’s writing yet another e-mail, even if it feels like he’s failing miserably. ‘I realised that I can’t be the person you want me to be, or, maybe need is a better word.’ He pauses, frowns, wishes he were typing this up as opposed to laying them directly at his feet with no opportunity to take them back. ‘And also be the person I need to be right here,’ he goes on anyway, not leaving any room for Alex to respond despite his inner turmoil. ‘I thought I could combine it, I wished I could be both, but the truth is, I can’t.’ He swallows, sees Alex do the same, sees how his hands seem to tremble, how he’s got somewhat paler, yet the fire in his eyes, the small glimmer of hope hasn’t diminished. While Henry normally loves this about him, still does, really, he also very much hates it right now, because it’s only prolonging the inevitable, the hurt that no doubt must’ve crept underneath his skin.

‘What about last night, then,’ Alex challenges. ‘When I told you to tell me to leave, repeatedly, after you told me that you couldn’t see it happening, just like you are doing now? You kissed me and slept with me instead. Why? Is this a thing that’s constantly going to happen now?’ 

‘Alex -’

‘No, seriously. Why, Henry? Because for a moment, here, I thought that it would be okay, in the end, that there was hope .’ Henry doesn’t know how Alex can make his voice so fragile and strong at the same time, doesn’t even register the fact that the fingers around the mug of coffee have gotten even whiter with the force of their grip on the mug, nor that they’re trembling. All he can focus on is the faint shimmer in Alex’ eyes, as if he’s actively trying to keep himself in check, while he himself is very much trying not to burst into tears himself.

‘It shouldn’t have happened!’ Henry says, blurting the words out before he has a chance of saying them in a more measured way.

‘What?’ Alex almost whispers the word, has gone even paler, yet Henry bulldozes on.

‘Last night, Christ, all of it , none of it should’ve happened! God, Alex, it was a mistake.’ Alex actively flinches at that, coffee sloshing over the side of the mug and onto his hands, but he doesn’t seem to register it at all. Instead, he goes alarmingly pale.

‘A mistake,’ he repeats, slowly, before scrambling to get off the bed, ditching the mug of coffee on the first flat surface he seems to be able to find, even if it is on top of the complete works of Wilde, no doubt leaving rings of moisture onto the leather-bound book from when the coffee sloshed over the rim.

‘Alex -’ Henry tries again, but it seems to barely register with Alex.

‘I get it,’ Alex stammers out, as he scrambles for his clothes and starts to pull them on as fast as he can. As it is, he seems to be struggling in his haste.

‘Do you?’ Henry asks, faintly, somehow feeling like whatever he meant to say got completely misconstrued. All he meant to say was that he never should’ve kissed Alex last night, shouldn’t have gone to bed with him, shouldn’t have made love to him, for that was clearly what it had been. While he couldn’t bring it in himself to regret it, at all, he still couldn’t help but wish it hadn’t happened, if only because he now truly knew what he was giving up. He’d only wished to have spared Alex that same pain, that idea, feeling, of finally getting what you always wished to have, if only for it to be snatched away straight after. Yet he got the idea that he’d said more than he intended, or, if anything, that his words had hit deeper than he realised, and in a way he couldn’t comprehend. Just where had he gone wrong?

‘Absolutely.’ Alex nods, frantically, as he shoves his legs into his jeans and runs an agitated hand through his hair the second he has them on. ‘I, just…’ Alex pauses, turns towards Henry, but refuses to look him directly in the eye. ‘You could’ve just told me to leave, you know.’ It sounds broken, hurt, and it makes Henry want to cry and weep himself. But he can’t, won’t, not yet. He won’t make it harder on Alex than it has to be.

‘That’s the thing,’ he whispers instead. 

‘You couldn’t?’ Alex asks, clinging to that infinitesimal shred of hope, still. Henry shakes his head. ‘Yet… you’re still…?’ Alex doesn’t seem able to voice the words, like it isn’t real as long as he says them. Keeps holding on, keeps fighting, somehow, as if Henry’s everything, which is frankly impossible. He can’t be everything to Alex, not when Alex deserves so much better, not when he would hold him back. So, all Henry can do, really, is nod.

‘I stand by what I said, Alex,’ he answers. Alex flinches again, at that, pales more. ‘Sometimes love just… it’s just not enough. I can’t keep holding on to you and have you end up resenting me, -’ 

‘I could never resent you,’ Alex interjects.

‘I can’t risk it! Not when I know that I meant what I said. Not when I know that I can’t combine it, when it’s all too much for me to handle if I do both. Not when it means I’m holding you back. Not when it means I risk you resenting me for doing so. It’s too much, Alex, it’s all too much , and I won’t try and cling on only for it to turn into yet another mistake.’ Henry feels the bile rise up his throat as Alex gets even more pale at that, flinching all the while, and he knows he won’t forget how pale, broken, yet also completely walled of Alex looks now. Knows it’ll haunt his dreams, will be on endless repeat to torment him while he tries to tell himself that this is for the best, that he’ll end up being okay. He watches Alex set his jaw, work himself into his hoodie and shove his feet into his trainers without even bothering to undo the laces properly, knowing how it must be uncomfortable because he can see that half the material seems folded over at the back and top of his foot. Alex either doesn’t notice or doesn’t seem to care, though.

‘Message received, then,’ Alex says. ‘I’ll see myself out.’ He nods at Henry, still refusing to meet his gaze, before he all but flees the room. The second the door falls shut behind him, Henry loses the strength to stay up himself, crumpling onto the floor, tears finally streaming down his face as he lets himself go. Cries even harder once he hears a car leave outside, knowing Alex has truly left, that it’s truly over. He doesn’t know how much time passes before he finally manages to get himself up again, even if only to get to the bed, so he can crawl under the covers and shut out the world and be miserable in his cocoon. He doesn’t get far however, because before the sight of the mug left on the large book on top of the Le Monde can break him all over again, the sight of a forgotten shirt, undoubtedly Alex’, does it already. Henry falls back onto his knees, hands grasping the shirt and pulling it towards him, breathing in the scent of Alex, wishing he was back into his arms, wishing to be held and bury his face into the crook of Alex’ neck, his voice in his ear telling him all would be okay, knowing Alex would keep him safe. Longing for the feeling that life didn’t always have to be dark, that there was hope, that there would be someone at the end of that dark tunnel, waiting patiently.

Except for the fact that he let it all go, and that the only tangible reminder of it all was left in the form of a sole t-shirt.

Chapter Text

Alex would like the record to show that he’s doing fine, no matter what others (June, Nora) might say, thank you very much. He’s eating (when he doesn’t forget to, anyway), sleeping (barely, but what else is new), keeping himself busy with volunteering for the campaign (because while he was booted of working for the campaign itself, he can still volunteer by just being on the road and trying to get people to vote), and writing application essays for universities he might like to attend when this all blows over. He’s definitely not watching videos of Henry at yet another fancy ribbon cutting, or reading up on him, or re-reading texts, e-mails, looking at pictures of the two of them, wondering where he got it all wrong, and promptly bursting into tears all over again.

Not during the day, anyway, where he can be caught at any given moment.

And, well, despite what some people (June, Nora) might say, he definitely must be succeeding at it, because why else would Zahra have complimented him on being more useful for the campaign than she’d expected as opposed to the liability she thought he was going to be in the aftermath of it all? Zahra wasn’t one to dole out compliments, after all. He’d just have to keep on going like this, not fuck it up. That was all. He could do that.

So, crying over Henry, wondering what had gone wrong, was something for the nights where he couldn’t sleep. Feeling proud of Henry for how good, how brave he looked during those public visits despite how rough they were for him was something he kept for himself, just like how heartbroken he was about them for the exact same reason. Henry, seemingly standing taller, straighter than ever, like he had a new burst of bravery he hadn’t had before. Henry, looking tired, sure, still a bit tense if you knew where to look, but also slightly more at ease, not twirling his signet around as much, but rather smoothing his hand over his chest instead. It was new, something Alex hadn’t seen before in all the times since he’d started watching him. The pride and heartbreak warred with each other, constantly, making him smile and cry at the same time. Smile, because Henry continued to be braver than he thought himself to be, cry, because it was clearly Alex’ absence which caused all this, no longer weighing him down, be a hindrance. No, Henry was free now, as free as one could be within the confines of the crown, and while Alex was happy for him, he also wished it wasn’t irrefutable proof of what a liability he was. That he had been a mistake, too much, yet another person in the long line of people he’d managed to push away, scare off, somehow.

He just wished it didn’t sting as much, hurt as much, carve him open wider than any of the people before Henry had managed to do.

But he’d be fine, eventually. He always was, in the end, even if it would probably take him longer to get up than normal. That was fine too, though. He just had to keep pretending in the meantime. He’d gotten good at that. As long as he didn’t have to see Henry in person in a while, he’d be stellar.

‘I’m sorry?’ Alex asked, finding himself in the Oval Office once again, two weeks after London, two weeks after Henry . ‘You want to send me where?’

‘The Green Energy Summit,’ Zahra answers, with an air of impatience, from her spot on the couch, not even bothering to look up from the papers in her hands. Alex blinks.

‘Isn’t Michael supposed to go?’ He thought he’d heard Nora speak about that, in between the nattering with June about what they were going to wear to that Women Only gala or whatever it was they were going to. Alex hadn’t been paying much attention to it, if he was completely honest.

‘He’s ill, sugar. Nothing serious, but he’s not able to go, and considering it’s tonight -’

‘I’m your only option,’ Alex finishes for her. 

‘Exactly. Zahra has everything you need to know written down for you, so please do read it,’ Ellen continues, only looking up briefly to send him an appreciative look, tinged with a touch of concern. Alex tries not to bristle about that, because he’s fine, really, he can do it, he’s done this before, it’s all cool.

‘Read it, memorise it, do not fuck it up tonight ,’ Zahra says, shoving the papers towards him.

‘Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence, Z,’ Alex mutters, taking the papers from her and scanning them briefly. ‘It’s like I’ve never done this before.’

‘Do not joke about this,’ Zahra says, finally looking up. ‘We do not need another international incident happening. This has to go right, so please, for the love of god, behave, and whatever the fuck is going on with you and Prince Henry, you’d better continue to act like the sun shines out of his ass or so help me god.’ Alex freezes.

‘Henry’s coming?’ 

‘I do not have time for this,’ Zahra mutters, pinching her nose. ‘Yes, he’s coming. Now please read up, get ready, and charm the pants off of everyone.’ Alex swallows, nods, turns around to leave.

‘Thanks, sugar,’ Ellen calls out to him from behind her desk, shooting him a thankful grin. Alex smiles, nods, hopes she doesn’t see how fake it is, before fleeing out of the room so he can have a moment to panic about this all without them seeing it. He doesn’t want to let them down before it’s even begun, can’t deal with that disappointment on top of it all. No, he can let himself panic for a moment in private, then gather himself up, get through the night, and hopefully not fuck up too much. He’s got this.

He has not got this.

Alex has been back in his room for an indeterminate amount of time now, fact sheet abandoned on his bed, buried beneath a multitude of clothes, as he paces back and forth trying to get his breathing under control. He does not know how he’s going to do this, how he’s meant to handle being face to face with Henry again and not touch him in any way shape or form. He’s done it before, he knows he’s done it before, but always with the promise at the back of his mind that he would get to have Henry once it was all over.

Now he hasn’t got that, and yet he’s meant to act like everything is okay when it’s decidedly not , and he already feels like he’s going to throw up.

Part of him hopes that tonight, somehow, will make Henry see that he’s made a mistake, that it was a foolish thing, to give them up. That part of him is small, sure, born from an ever optimistic part of him he wasn’t even sure he still possessed, but it’s still there. It’s also the main reason for the multitude of clothes scattered on his bed, partly the reason of his pacing, for he has to look good tonight, but in an effortless sort of way, yet he still wants it to look in such a way that maybe, hopefully, will make Henry miss him as much as Alex misses Henry. Realise what he’s missing out on, taunting him, maybe. It’s petty, sure, maybe born from some kind of revenge he wants to enact because Henry seems to be doing so much better now that he’s got rid of Alex, and he wants to show Henry that he himself is also great, thank you very much. It also makes him feel sick, in a way, for he doesn’t want to hurt Henry, but he shoves that down. He can deal with that problem later.

He startles when there's a knock on the door, quickly turning around and very much hoping he hasn’t lost so much track of time that it’s already time to leave, but it’s only June, leaning against the door jamb as she looks at him with a worried expression. While it’s something he’d normally appreciate, it’s now something he really cannot deal with at the moment, so he does what he does best: shoving all his feelings down and plastering a smile on his face that he knows for a fact won’t fool June at all.

‘Need some help?’ June asks, nodding towards his bed. Alex frowns, not expecting the question at all, glancing from her to the bed and back before he shrugs.

‘Sure.’ He sure as hell hasn’t made any progress himself as it is, and he knows that June won’t send him out the door looking like shit. Maybe this way he can maybe cram in as much of those things on that sheet in his head instead, just so he’s sure he won’t fuck it up. Or, at least, not fucking up by not knowing what the hell he’s getting himself into and coming across ignorant. He has to do well.

‘Are you going to be alright tonight, Alex?’ June asks. She’s not looking up from where she’s perusing the different items on the bed, but the tone is warily enough that it sets Alex on edge. He tries to stamp it down, honestly, because he knows she means well, and she’s the first to even ask whether he’s okay with all of this, but it still stings.

‘I have done this before, June,’ he says, maybe a bit more impatient than he intended. He immediately feels guilty about it, especially when he can see her take a breath as if to steady herself.

‘I know,’ she begins. ‘But, well, you know you could have said no to this, right, Alex, especially considering…?’ The words spoken are careful, too careful, for Alex’s liking, as if he’s something fragile, something that can easily shatter at the tiniest amount of pressure, and he absolutely hates it.

‘Could I have?’ he shoots back, scoffing a bit at the idea alone. ‘There wasn’t much of a choice to be made, not this last minute. I mean, who else were they going to send? Besides, I’m not about to give people the chance to even suggest that things are souring between the USA and the UK, especially so close to the elections, just because nobody stepped up with Mike unavailable. I’m sure it’ll be fine.’ 

At least, that’s what he keeps telling himself. 

Alex snatches the sheet from the bed, hoping beyond hope that this will be laid to rest, that he can actually just pretend to memorise this form while June picks his outfit. It’s fine. It’s all going to be okay, and nobody has to fucking wonder about him possibly shattering just because he’ll be seeing Henry again for the first time since he’s left London with his heart broken, most of the pieces of it laying shattered on the floor of Kensington Palace. June doesn’t relent, however.

‘You’re sure we don’t need to come with you? If only to be a buffer from Henry?’ Alex sighs, closes his eyes for a moment, before he continues his perusing.

‘Bug, you and I both know you and Nora can’t leave. It’s fine, it’ll be fine. We’re both adults, and we can handle it as such. It’s no big deal.’ Except it was. Because no matter what Henry felt for him, no matter that it, apparently, had been nothing less than love for him, it had still not been enough. Alex had not been enough, yet had been too much at the same time. Wanted, yet too prominently in the spotlight to deal with. Loved, but not enough for it to override Henry’s desire to get away from his own prison. Loved too much , however, for Henry to apparently set aside his own feelings just so Alex could pursue his dream, so Alex could be happy.

And Alex, despite wanting to burn it all, throw it all away, for he could not see a future where he could be truly happy without Henry by his side, hadn’t been able to do anything about it. Frozen, hurt, broken , at the implication that their lovemaking, for that’s what it had been, had been a mistake. That it had all been a mistake. Trying not to tremble at the words which spoke of the fact that he did not want to live Alex’s life, be in its orbit, that it was too much, a prison. That even with how ghastly his own life was, it was still better than the life he could’ve had with Alex, for he still wouldn’t trade it.

It was too much to think about during the day, which was why he kept himself busy. It was bad enough that those words kept showing up in his dreams, but fractured, rearranged in the wrong order, giving him hope before snatching it all away cruelly, night after night after night, his pillow wet from his tears day after day after day. So he shoved it all away, kept himself as busy as he could, drowning himself in law books to get as much of a headstart on law school as possible, and kept telling himself it was going to be fine in the meantime. 

It was possible that he’d maybe started believing in it too. If only the people surrounding him had this same faith, instead of continuously bringing it up and seemingly expecting him to fail the test. It was fucking exhausting.

‘Well, if you’re sure about that,’ June says, albeit a bit hesitantly. Alex tries not to bristle at it, he really does, but even he can’t help himself if he replies with a snippy:

‘I’m sure.’ 

He hates himself for it instantly, knows that June only meant well, only has his best interests at heart, but, God, he’s so sick of all the doubt and worry and being treated as if he’s going to fail, or break down, or both, especially when there are so many more important things to be worried about, especially with the election this close. He doesn’t want to be another thing people worry about, he can’t be another thing. There’s too much at stake.

‘Jesus, Alex,’ June says, levelling him with an annoyed look, still more worried than he likes it to be, and tinged with more hurt than he wants to see. Why the fuck can’t he control himself? ‘I’m only trying to help. I could just leave you to it, you know?’

‘I know,’ he sighs, running a hand through his curls, revelling in the sting when his fingers get stuck in them and tug a little too hard in the process. ‘I’m sorry. It’s just… I wasn’t lying when I said it’d be fine, but I still wish I had a bit more warning, is all. Had more time to prepare myself.’ He shrugs, trying to brush it off as something small, leaving it ambiguous as to what he means, exactly. Alex isn’t sure if June is going to take this as needing to be prepared to face Henry, which is definitely a big factor, or needing to be prepared to face everyone at the summit, make sure everyone believes he’s a good replacement for Mike, which, admittedly, is a larger factor than he’d like to admit even to himself. He can’t let Mike down, he can’t let his mother down, be a hindrance to the campaign simply because they hadn’t had someone available who’d been a better fit to this than Alex. He’s absolutely terrified of fucking this up, but he can’t let it show, not even to June. She’s got her own Gala to worry about, after all.

‘You’ve always been good at this stuff, Alex,’ June smiles encouragingly. ‘I’m sure you’ve got this. They wouldn’t send you otherwise.’ Alex doesn’t agree, knows he was the only choice, but he doesn’t open his mouth to argue either. He’s too tired, and frankly, he needs all the support he can get, and disagreeing with her would only make June worry more. No more.

‘Thanks, Bug,’ he answers, trying to smile. Alex doesn’t know if it comes off as genuine, but it’s the best he can do at the moment, and that’s all anyone can really ask of him. Meanwhile all he can try to do is trust June, try to believe her words even if every other voice in his head tries to drown it out, deny it, play the confirmation about how he was the only option on repeat. He isn’t succeeding, but maybe, if he keeps trying hard enough, he’ll eventually manage to believe it.

‘Always,’ June answers, grinning, before giving him a shove. ‘Now, go shower and freshen up. I’ll have an outfit ready by the time you get out.’ Alex holds up his hands, grinning, endlessly grateful for June.

‘Okay, okay, I’m going.’ He shakes his head as June sticks her tongue out at him, before turning around and heading towards his ensuite. A shower is probably exactly what he needs to clear his head anyway.

A few hours later he finds himself at the summit, trying very hard not to constantly wring his hands or run a hand through his curls and mess up his hair which he only just managed to make look effortless. It takes effort, but at least the surprised faces of people who apparently missed the memo and are asking after Mike helps a bit. There are also people who did get the memo on time, and ask him to pass on well wishes before asking how he’s doing himself, and it’s nice to have a bit of small talk, if only to distract himself from the fact that Henry has not yet arrived. He isn’t certain if he needs to worry about it all, or whether he’s happy about it, if only so he can prolong the inevitable for a tiny bit longer.

‘Alex,’ he suddenly hears from behind him. Alex tries not to freeze, close his eyes upon hearing Henry’s voice for the first time in two weeks. Keeps on telling himself it’s just a greeting, not a foreboding of something else. Just something friendly, a facade they need to keep up in order to avoid scrutiny neither of them can afford. He needs to fucking keep it together.

‘Henry,’ he greets him in return, sending a smile to some guy he already forgot the name of before turning around to face Henry, taking a deep breath as he does so, in the hopes of somehow preparing himself for the sight of him.

‘It’s good to see you,’ Henry says, and Alex has to bite his tongue to swallow the comment he wants to shoot back, the question that lies on the tip of his tongue, wanting to know whether he truly thinks this or whether it’s just one of the generic comments he can spit out. ‘You look good,’ Henry continues, as if Alex is not trying to hold everything back, to not squirm underneath Henry’s gaze, as he can feel his eyes take him in. He wants to revel in it, truly, especially because he knows he looks good, June instantly having known he’d wanted to blow Henry off his socks and still look professional while doing so. Toeing that perfect line. But he also knows that if anything happens, anything at all, it has to be Henry making the move and he has to squash that hope, if only so the disappointment won’t drown him when nothing happens at all.

‘Thank you,’ he says. ‘It’s good to see you too.’ It’s not even a lie, even if he wants it to be one. Alex is greedy, however, wanting to get every scrap of Henry he possibly can get, even if it leads nowhere. Soak him in as much as he can, because maybe, just maybe, it can overwrite the last conversation they had. Mute it a bit. Blur it. Have it take the worst of the sting away. It’s a futile hope, and Alex knows a miracle needs to happen for it to become true, but it’s all he has to keep himself upright tonight.

‘You could still do with a less boring tie,’ Alex says, glancing at the grey tie. He holds back the comment about how he knows he’s got less boring ones, even if they’re few and far in between. This is as loose as he’s going to get himself without some alcohol in him, and he knows he’s going to avoid that as much as possible. He doesn’t trust himself not to fuck it up if he drinks more than glass tonight, and he can’t do that. Can’t let his mom, Zahra, Mike down, or, well, himself, really. But that’s less of an issue, if he’s honest with himself.

With some effort Alex drags his eyes back up to Henry’s, tries not to notice the dark circles under his eyes hidden by layers of make-up, but visible still, at least to him. Henry also looks less… He looks as if whatever held him up during those official outings in the past few weeks has left him, his hand not having left the signet on his pinkie, and while it might be coincidence, Alex doesn’t think it is, not really. It must be him dragging Henry down again, because what else would it be? 

Still, he tries to take Henry’s barely concealed smile for what it is, tries not to bask in the fond look that graces his eyes for a moment, because he knows that, whatever Henry felt for him, no matter if he said it was love, it still wasn’t enough, that he still was too much, that it had all been a mistake. He wants the smile, however, the fondness, the love. He wants it all, but he can’t revel in it, not when he knows that, unless Henry changed his mind about it all, he won’t be able to keep it. He can only use it as a balm, to soothe, for now, and that, maybe, if he’d be less , he’d be able to keep it.

‘This tie is perfectly acceptable,’ Henry counters, however, as if he can’t resist the banter. Alex hopes that that’s the case, anyway. He’s not sure if he can cope if it all turns out to be an act.

‘Boring,’ he repeats, a smile tugging on his lips. Henry shakes his head, his eyes still fond, even if he tries to hide it.

‘I’ll take it under advisement, then,’ he finally responds, tone suggesting he’ll be doing anything but that. Still, Alex takes it. There isn’t much more he can ask for as it is, not without making a fool out of himself, anyway, and he’s not going to do that. Too much was at risk, and not just for him. Henry had too much riding here too, and he wasn’t going to jeopardize anything for him either.

‘Thank you,’ Alex grins, nonetheless. Henry’s face turns solemn again, though, and he just doesn’t know what to do with it, what to expect. It’s a dance he’s not well equipped enough to deal with, and he wishes June, or Nora, or hell, anyone else would be here to help him get through it. As it is, he’s alone in this, and he braces himself for what’s coming.

‘In all seriousness, though,’ Henry begins, and Oh God, he’s not ready, he’s not ready, he’s not ready . ‘I understood that Michael Holleran had fallen ill? I trust it’s nothing serious?’ Oh. Yeah. Obviously Henry would be concerned. Why did he think it’d be something else?

‘Yeah, it’s… he’ll be fine. Nothing to worry about. He just wasn’t well enough to come out for this, that’s all.’ It’s not even a lie. From what Alex gathered it was some bout of the flu, and that he’d be expected to be right as rain within a few days. Still, it’s not up to him to provide any form of timeline, but at least he can give this bit of comfort to those who need it.

‘That’s good to hear,’ Henry says. ‘I’m going to have to make my rounds, now, but, for what it’s worth, though, if I don’t manage to catch you again before we start, I think we have a great replacement in you, here.’ Henry’s smile is encouraging, meaningful, honest, like not one word of it is a lie. Like he truly hopes to speak with him again before it starts, or otherwise hopes to find him again afterwards. Like he wants his attention, wants to make the most of this, and still, despite everything, has the utmost faith in Alex.

And, Alex, well, he doesn’t know how to handle it. So he just smiles, thanks him, tries not to watch him walk away while his mind is spinning and reeling and keeps getting caught on the what if’s and what does he means. He tries not to hope, tries to squash it down, along with the terror that the thought of not only letting his mother, the campaign, June, down, but also Henry, if he fucks this up. Because they all had enough faith in him, even if he was sent here as a last option. Still, he tries, and tries, and does what he does best: turning on the charm and riding that wave, hoping not to crash before it’s all over.

Somehow, Alex manages to get through the first part of the summit. He doesn’t know how he did it, but he doesn’t think he fucked up, even if he does feel like he could’ve done an all around better job at it all, and he only managed to let his gaze land on Henry like five times, which a lot less than he expected it to happen. He also didn’t let it distract him either, instead drawing on the support he felt coming from Henry, even if that support was just his imagination, because there is no way that it was real. It isn’t over yet, though, but they have dinner first, before finishing off the summit and heading back home, so he just needs to hold on just a while longer.

It’s only just his luck that out of all people present, he’s seated next to Henry at dinner.

If it had been any other time, hell, even three weeks ago, Alex would have revelled in this. Maybe have had his leg against Henry’s all dinner, tiny little touches they could’ve got away with, some teasing, promises for what was to come once they were finally alone. As it is, none of that can happen tonight, and it’s outright torture. Alex doesn’t know what he’d rather have, though, the lack of touches as an outright reminder of the fact that nothing will happen, probably ever again, or having the touches, basking in the nearness of Henry, the endless wondering if there is something more meaningful in his gaze and voice or whether it’s just the sliver of hope he still harbours, and then not getting anything out of it later. He wants, but he doesn’t, and it’s an endless war in his head, simply because each road lies to an answer he’d rather not find out, and he doesn’t know which route to take.

‘So how are June and Nora doing?’ Henry asks once dinner is served and whatever conversation he had with whoever it was on his other side ended. Alex had tried not to listen, tune it out, focus on anyone but Henry, and had thus been trying to have a conversation with the Polish guy next to him instead. It had helped, for a while, except that his conversation ended far sooner than Henry’s one had done. 

‘They’re doing great,’ Alex answers. ‘They’re off to this gala tonight, women only.’ He shrugs, knows they’re doing a great job there tonight, but he can’t help but wish they were here with him instead. Or instead of him, really, but, well, that’d mean he’d miss out on Henry, and he also doesn’t want that. It’s exhausting, feeling this way, and he wishes this night would end already. ‘They seemed excited, in any case.’ From what Alex heard, it was a lot of talk about outfits and hairstyles and make-up for tonight, combined with a lot of giggling. When they were not checking in on him, in any case, but as Alex was really trying to not make them worry and brushed them off with the excuse of having to study the sheet before Zahra would murder him, he sort of felt like he’d succeeded in easing the worry, if only a tiny bit.

‘I mean, it sounds exciting?’ It’s adorable how Henry looks as he says it, genuinely trying to look excited for them but failing as he obviously doesn’t seem to see the appeal much himself, and not even bothering to try and hide it for Alex. 

‘Hmm,’ Alex says, trying not to grin too much, because he has to keep himself in check, can’t be too much, can’t scare Henry off. ‘It truly sounds like you’d be at home at a gala. Maybe not that one, but, like, in general, and totally would not rather be somewhere else.’ 

Henry smiles, a small, fond little thing, as he shakes his head, the look in his eyes one Alex used to think was reserved for him.

‘You don’t think I’d look fetching enough in a dress, then? Bea would probably like to have words with you,’ Henry says, low enough that nobody else would be hearing it, not with the buzz of the surrounding conversation.

‘I mean,’ Alex splutters, because what does he say in response to that? Henry in a dress isn’t something he’d ever envisioned, and he doesn’t know what to think about the idea alone, whether it’s something he wants to see, or would rather not because it just doesn’t fit with the idea he has of Henry in his head. He knows it’s a joke, sees the mirth shining in those blue eyes as he takes a sip of his wine as if he’s all innocent, watches as Henry shifts in his seat as if he wants a better look at Alex while he awaits his response. Alex feels Henry’s leg brush his, an accidental thing, to be sure, but his breath hitches nonetheless and he wants, wants, wants to press his leg back against Henry’s, bask in the closeness. But just like that, the playfulness is gone, replaced by a look that looks too much like alarm but is also not that and Alex really, truly, doesn’t want to know what that look means, especially not when Henry immediately starts to apologise.

‘I’m sorry,’ Henry says, and it sounds rushed, too apologetic. ‘I didn’t mean to -’ 

And doesn’t that just sting?

Alex shakes his head, tries to reassure him, pushes down the sting of Henry not meaning to touch Alex beyond a mere handshake. Pushes down the sting of rejection, as if Alex wouldn’t welcome it at all, as if he was the one to break things off between them.

‘It’s fine, don’t worry about it,’ Alex says. ‘I didn’t mind.’ It means so much more than the innocent way he means it to sound, like it truly wasn’t a bother. And it wasn’t. These things happen, after all. He just hopes he didn’t fuck up by making it sound too much like he wanted it to happen, like he encouraged it. He can’t have Henry run away again, all because Alex just wanted too much, longed too much, couldn’t contain himself in the box so many people seemed to want him to be in. It’s bad enough to know this will be the most he’ll be getting tonight; he can’t deal with Henry avoiding him the rest of the night on top of it.

‘Oh, okay, still…’ Henry pauses, struggling to find the words he’d like to say, and Alex can’t watch it, can’t hear it. He doesn’t know what Henry wants to say, can’t even decipher the emotions flickering across his face so fast before he hides it all behind his stupid press-face. He thought he saw longing, hurt, but he dismisses it as soon as he can. The thought of Henry being hurt because his words hit too close to home makes him want to be sick, and if Henry’s hurt on his behalf he also doesn’t want to know it, especially because Henry was the one to place the hurt there in the first place. If he didn’t want it to happen, he shouldn’t have broken up with him in the first place.

The only logical thing is, therefore, Henry being hurt because Alex took it too far, and so all Alex can do is cut him off and drive home that he’s really okay with it and that that bit of conversation truly needs to end here and now.

‘Seriously, Hen, it’s all good.’ Alex sends him the most reassuring smile he can muster right now. It’s probably not much, but he tries his best and draws as much as he can from the pool of charm he normally uses for press and politicians and every outing he needs to dial himself up to ten for. It seems to work, somehow, if Henry’s nod and slight smile is anything to go by, yet he tries not to flinch at the same time, for he’s certain he didn’t imagine the slight widening of Henry’s eyes when he called him Hen, like Henry didn’t believe he’d still get that. And while he thought he’d spotted a tiny bit of sheer delight in his expression at is as well, the clear as day shifting around Henry’s also doing as to ensure there is no way they can touch now, feels as much like a rejection as any.

The conversation picks back up, however, even if the subjects are all extremely safe. Questions about, June, Nora, but also Bea, Pez, and David. To every onlooker it probably seems like they’re just catching up, talking about everything they missed. It reminds Alex a bit of the early days, post cake-gate. Before he saw Henry for who he was, got to know him past the front he puts up for everyone else so he can protect the bits of himself that matter the most. It’s a bit stilted, awkward, a dance where they try to figure out how the choreography works again after not having done it for too long. Alex takes it all in, though. The bits of comfort, the sound of his voice, the amusement laced in it as he recounts a tale where David landed himself in a pond, somehow, and was way too disgruntled about having got wet, a mood that didn’t improve when it was then followed by a bath to get him clean again. It’s a lot of little things, but he tucks them close to his chest anyway, if only so he could maybe try and build a wall around the broken pieces of his heart with these new pieces that allow him to have a tiny little bit of hope, and remind him of small moments where he could be happy and content. Maybe if he gets enough of those moments, he can finally feel somewhat himself again.

One step forward, two steps back. Or so it seems, anyway.

Eventually, the dinner comes to an end, and it’s back to business. For the rest of the summit, Alex tries to pay as little attention to Henry as possible. It’s gone well this evening, and while it makes him have more confidence in himself and the entire situation, he can’t risk slipping up now and fucking up. He has to hold on, hold out, especially now he’s come so far. He grins, answers questions, asks questions, makes notes, and hopes it’s all enough.

And then it’s all over.

Alex gets swept up in the aftermath of the summit, receives more well-wishes to pass on to Mike as people say their goodbyes or try to corner one another for some reason. It’s probably political. He tries to keep up with it all, starts lists in his head that don’t really go far, but what little information he can pass on to his mom and Zahra he will, because it might well be important.

He doesn’t see Henry any more, however, and it makes him frown. Alex doesn’t know if he got swept up in things, or if he just left, and, well, it wouldn’t be the fucking first time if that happened, but his blonde head is nowhere to be found. Alex just wishes he knew whether he was sad about it, or relieved. It’s a thought for another time, though, and so he shoves it down, like he’s been doing with most thoughts this evening, and focusses on the things he can control.

It’s not until they’re on the way back home that Alex lets himself relax and allows the mask to slip. He’d smiled and nodded and thanked Cash when he’d said he’d done a great job. It’s not the person he wants to hear it from most, but it’s a validation that at least someone didn’t think he fucked up, and it takes a lot of him to not burst into tears at that. 

He manages to keep the tears at bay until he’s back in his room, alone. June and Nora aren’t yet back from their Gala, and it’s just as well that they aren’t. He loves them to pieces, would love a hug from either of them, but Alex also feels like he needs to process this all on his own for a bit, and not be confronted with questions he doesn’t know how or doesn’t want to answer. 

The solitude ends far sooner than he’d like, admittedly, even if he doesn’t really know how much time has truly passed since he got back and has changed in his pajamas. He knows he’s gone through his evening routine, he’s definitely cried a bit in the shower even if he refuses to admit this to others if he was asked, and that he’s been lying on his bed for a while, music softly playing in the background in an attempt to at least not let his mind spiral too much.

‘Alejandro!’ Nora exclaims as she bursts through the door and unceremoniously throws herself on his bed. June follows hot on her heels, but sets herself down on his bed in a calmer fashion than Nora did. He grins.

‘How was the Gala?’ 

‘We had a great time,’ June answers, with a smile. She seems to be sizing him up, see how he’s doing, but Alex tries to ignore it. Maybe then she’ll leave it alone.

‘We obviously looked amazing, I mean, look at us.’ Nora waves to their outfits. ‘Can’t wait to see the reporters dissect our outfits. All in all, it was a great night. Ten out of ten, no notes.’ Alex wishes he could say the same of his evening, really.

‘But, more importantly,’ Nora goes on. ‘How was your night?’ Damn it.

‘It was good,’ Alex answers. At least he is pretty confident this isn’t even a lie. ‘It went well, I think. Loads of well-wishes for Mike, by the way. Basically everyone hopes he’s back on his feet soon.’ 

‘He’ll be pleased to hear that.’ Nora nods, but also brushes that bit of the conversation away, clearly aiming for more gossip. ‘So, nothing interesting happened, then?’ 

‘Nora,’ June admonishes, but there isn’t much heart in it.

‘No? It was a summit. Speeches, debating, food, and back to the speeches and debates.’ Alex shrugs. ‘I mean, mom is probably interested in some of the leaders who had a private conversation, but other than that? No.’

‘Not even with Henry?’ Nora isn’t one to back down easily. June sighs and pinches her nose. Alex wants this to be over.

‘No. We spoke for a bit, but that was it. Wanted to know how you guys were doing, actually.’ 

‘Huh,’ Nora says, at the same time as June replies with: ‘That’s nice of him.’ Alex narrows his eyes.

‘What?’ he asks Nora.

‘Nothing!’ Alex raises an eyebrow at the response, which came just that bit too quickly for it to be innocent.

‘It’s just… not what I expected.’ This could mean way too many things, and Alex isn’t sure he wants to know what she means exactly.

‘Did you expect another scandal?’ It’s maybe a bit too defensive, but Alex doesn’t care. Didn’t they have enough already after all?

‘No. Not that. I just thought that something would happen, really. I had thought it was a 22% chance of nothing happening at all, to be honest.’ 

Twenty-two percent? Alex doesn’t want to know how she came to that conclusion. Doesn’t want to know whether she just didn’t have enough faith in him to not fuck it up, or more faith in Henry that he’d come to his senses or… well, anything else, really. Either way, it stings, and not even June’s ‘Nora!’ helps a bit.

‘Too much?’ Nora asks, looking at June.

‘ Yes .’ She raises an eyebrow and folds her arms over her chest to drive home the point, before looking at Alex.

‘You good, Lil’Bit?’ she asks him then, softly.

‘I’m fine, Bug. It’s all good.’ It wasn’t, not really, but at least he beat the fucking odds. That had to count for something, right?

‘You sure?’ Alex nods, grateful for June in more ways than he can explain. It’s truly fine, because he knows Nora didn’t mean any harm, and maybe if he just tells himself she’d had too much faith in Henry it makes him feel a lot better too, as long as he doesn’t dwell on what it says about him and Henry that they beat the odds in this manner. He doesn’t know all the factors anyway, so it’s best to let it rest.

‘Well, okay, then,’ June says, getting back up. ‘It’s good to hear it’s gone well. You did a good job, Alex.’ She smiles. ‘Go and get some rest, kay? We’ll leave you to it.’ She levels a look at Nora that books no room for discussion, and the two of them leave him after a brief hug and a pat on the shoulder, closing the door behind them.

Alex sighs, turns around and grabs his mobile. No notifications still about a possible scandal at the summit, just reports about how it seemed to have gone well. What he has notifications for, however, is his text chain with Henry. Alex swallows, before clicking on it and coming face to face with messages he hadn’t expected to get.

HRH Prince Dickhead

Alex - I’m really sorry. I wish I could’ve said goodbye to you properly, but I had to dash off to make it back in time for the next event. It was lovely seeing you again, though, and for what it’s worth: I think you did an excellent job at the summit tonight. I hope we can continue to still remain friends and catch up more often, but if that’s not something you want, I’d truly understand it, and wish you all the best.

Alex stares at the message, reading it over and over again, trying to look for any hint of, well, anything, that could be hidden within. It’s hopeless, though, but he can’t do anything beyond hope that he might not truly have fucked it all up. And, well, it might be self-sabotaging, but Alex ignores all that in favor of responding to Henry.

Alex

thank you. it was great seeing you again too. i’d love for us to remain friends. feel free to text me whenever.

He thinks the response is solid, enough, but also not too much and too overbearing. He can’t push him away by being too much, and if this is truly what Henry wants. Alex figures he can also go and make the first move. The ball is in his court to decide how this is going to go, and Alex will happily follow.

He just hopes he won’t be let down again, now.

Chapter Text

Alex doesn’t hear anything from Henry in the days following, and he tries his best to swallow his disappointment. He does get feedback from the summit, however, and he’s told he’s done a decent job, and, well, he’ll take it, especially coming from Zahra and his mum. There was no scandal, he’s done the job, passed on the information, which they ended up not being able to do much with, and the well-wishes to Mike, who’s feeling better and is back on his feet now.

Instead, Alex throws himself back into volunteering for the campaign. His phone he leaves with Cash, both because he doesn’t want to be distracted by any news or messages which may or may not come, but also because he doesn’t want to come across as desperate every time his phone does buzz because of a new notification, and then get disappointed over and over again when it isn’t Henry. It’s best not to know at all.

The job Alex is doing now is mindless, mainly putting together flyers, folding them, tying them all in neat little packages so it’s easier for other volunteers to hand out. It’s extremely in the background, but it’s truly what he prefers at the moment, if only because it doesn’t give people like Richards ammunition and make his mom seem desperate by putting him on the grounds to try and gain votes. Not to mention the discussion about a waste of money when it comes to security.

Still, the task itself is so mindless and repetitive, that it actually helps him to sort out his thoughts, think things through, make lists, with the occasional paper cut helping to ground him and bring him back to reality when he gets a little too deep inside his own thoughts. It’s great, honestly.

‘Excuse me?’ Alex looks up as the voice cuts through his thoughts, and he is faced by a young woman who he guesses to be around his age. She’s wearing dark-rimmed glasses, her dark hair swept up into a messy bun, with a few loose strands framing her face. She’s got several piercings in her ears, and seems to be wearing what he thinks is a white crop-top underneath red dungarees, topped off with black doc-martens with red roses on the side. Alex thinks she looks cool.

‘Yeah?’ Alex asks. He fully expects it to be a question about whether he actually is Alex, or if she can get a selfie with him or something like that. He doesn’t really mind, even if he would ask her to refrain from posting it on social media until the elections are over. Except she does none of that.

‘I am a new volunteer here, and I was told to come and help over here?’ And, oh, yeah, that is also a possibility.

‘I’m Hannah, by the way,’ she continues, as if it’s an afterthought.

‘I’m Alex,’ Alex says, even if he feels like it might be a tad unnecessary. You don’t volunteer for this campaign and don’t know who he is. Or, maybe that’s just how he’d be going into it. ‘And, well, join in? If you want? Do you need me to explain what I’m doing?’

‘Cool,’ Hannah answers, seemingly considering it no big deal at all and, what? She doesn’t pay him much attention as she peruses the stacks of paper and rope that’s used to bind it all together.

‘It’s pretty straight-forward, is it not?’ She asks, glancing up at him before directing her blue eyes back down again. ‘Sort them in the right order, fold, tie it all together.’ Hannah shrugs as Alex nods at that. ‘Do you want to divide this? Or I fold, and you tie them together, or vice versa? Whatever works best for you, really. I’m flexible.’

‘Yeah, that’s… exactly that.’ He doesn’t know how to handle her, and it’s kind of unsettling, really, especially because she doesn’t seem phased at all at the fact that he is, well, him. It’s all he’s wanted, really, and even people who’ve known him for a while act like he’s just Alex, even if not all the time, but to get it from the get-go with someone new? Alex isn’t used to it at all, and it’s throwing him off. Somewhere he’s hoping it’s yet to come.

‘I’m good with dividing it?’ He then throws out, because he is yet to answer her other question. Hannah just smiles, divides the stacks with another ‘Cool’ and then goes to work.

For the next couple of hours, it’s quiet in their little corner. Just the sounds of paper rustling, folding, scissors cutting off pieces of rope and the occasional setting down of a mug of coffee. It’s good, it’s nice, especially the kind of environment Alex loves to work in even if he is missing some music, but the sounds of people talking in the background provides enough white noise as it is. Or, it would, normally, if he wasn’t so weirded out by the fact that Hannah is quiet and doesn’t seem at all fazed by him.

‘You’re quiet,’ Alex observes, coming back from a loo-break and refilling his mug with coffee in the process. Hannah looks up, blinks.

‘Is that a problem?’

‘No. It’s just… Not what I expected, I guess?’ Alex runs a hand through his hair, wondering if it was even wise of him to ask, or that he just fucked up again.

‘Why?’ Hannah asks. ‘Because you’re the son of the President?’ So she did know who he was! ‘Or because I didn’t seem like the type to remain quiet? Or something else?’ Alex frowns.

‘A little bit of both? I guess?’ 

‘Hmm.’ Hannah really seems to ponder the question, taking him in from behind her glasses as she does so, folding her arms across her chest. ‘You have to know that I legit do not give a fuck about you being President Claremont’s son.’ Hannah pauses. ‘That sounds rude, sorry. What I mean to say is that I do not give a damn about famous people, or what they do, or why they’re doing what they do. As long as it’s honest work, and you’re not trying to make this crappy world worse than it is already? Keep on going. You probably have your reasons for being here, as do I, and unless you want to tell me, I’m not interested. It’s not my business, and I’m not about to stick my nose into places where it doesn’t belong. I’ve got better things to do. If I one day earn your trust enough for you to tell me, cool, if not, also cool. I’m not entitled to anything, and that’s actually something I actually hate about celebrity worship: people feel like they’re entitled to everything and have the right to blast personal business for everyone to know. Like, no. They’re people too and they deserve privacy as much as the next person.’ Hannah sighs, pushes her glasses back up her nose from where they slid down a bit. ‘Sorry, I tend to go on tangents like this. Anyway. As to answer your second question: talking or not, I’m good with either. It doesn’t bother or hinder me in any way. It’s just… and feel free to tell me I’m entirely wrong or just to fuck off or whatever but… I kind of had the idea that you needed some space to… I don’t know, think, or work through something or… to just be yourself? Maybe I completely misjudged you, or got the wrong vibe, but I thought it best to just, leave you be.’

Alex blinks. ‘Oh.’ 

‘Sorry, too much?’ Hannah grimaced.

‘No, it’s… it’s fine,’ Alex answers, shaking his head. ‘It’s just…’ A lot of information at the same time? And normally it’s something he’s good with, really, but nobody, not since Henry, in any case, has got this good a read on him in a long while, let alone specifically stated they didn’t care about him as a famous person, and just treated them as if they would any other. 

‘You’re not used to people not wanting anything from you at all, are you?’ Hannah asks, cutting through his thoughts as she continues to take him up. And what does he say to that?

‘It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. You can believe me or you don’t, but I am not after anything of you, be it attention, or a selfie, or, I don’t know, trying to get into your pants?’ Hannah went on as if he isn’t having a minor crisis at all. ‘I’m sure you don’t trust me, and that’s okay, but really, if you need me to shut up or if you want to talk - I’m good with either. Just let me know.’ 

‘Oh, yeah, uhm. We can talk?’ Alex’ mind is steel reeling, if he’s honest. ‘And, thank you, for saying that.’ He smiles. ‘It’s nice when people are upfront about what they want.’ At least then he know where he stands. ‘And what they don’t, really.’ Hannah hums.

‘The world would be nicer if people didn’t dance around things, that’s for sure,’ Hannah muses. ‘But that’s a futile wish, I suppose. Regardless, I stand by what I said.’ 

‘So you’re really not trying to get in my pants, then, not even eventually? I don’t know whether I should be offended or not.’ It’s an attempt at a joke, and he knows it falls flat, but it’s the closest attempt he’s made in weeks, so he feels like he should be forgiven. ‘Though, to be honest, I’m not really interested in dating, at the moment.’ Because, well even if he tried to joke and she’d eventually change her mind, she’d at least know where he stood.

‘No, unless, at some point, you’d want me to?’ Hannah grins. ‘But I’m not sure how genuine it’d look, to be honest, what with you not being my type and me not knowing how to flirt in general.’ 

‘Wait, what?’ He doesn’t get it. How can one not know how to flirt? Hannah laughs, however, so he doesn’t think he fucked up in general, stepped over an invisible line as he’s wont to do.

‘I’m not interested in flirting,’ Hannah clarifies. ‘Like, at all. I’m not interested in dating, period. I’m aro, I don’t get crushes, I don’t fall in love.’ She shrugs. ‘Like, I won’t mind a hook-up? But to be fair, I’d only hook-up with girls and that’s all it’s ever going to be. So I guess you could say I’m also gay.’

‘Oh.’ That, actually makes a lot of sense, to be honest. Alex isn’t quite sure how he didn’t clock it before, because all those puzzle pieces now fit together in a way he wasn’t able to see before. ‘Well, that’s cool,’ he says. ‘Thank you for trusting me with that.’ Because, well, he is a stranger, and it is a big deal to come out? Or, at least, it is a boundary for him. He didn’t mind with June, and Nora clocked it before he did, but his parents were already a hurdle to get over and he knew they’d be supportive. He can’t quite imagine coming out to the public, or, at least, not yet. Eventually he will. He just needs more time, especially to be able to get enough distance from Henry that he won’t risk it biting him in the ass.

‘Thanks,’ Hannah says. ‘I mean, I refuse to hide who I am, and that includes this, but, I can see what you mean. It isn’t easy, or, well, possible for everyone, is it?’ She sighs, refocusses her attention back on the flyers in front of her. ‘I’m lucky, I must say, for the most part. I’ve got supportive parents, friends, you name it. I guess that’s also a major part in working so hard for your mom’s campaign. Or, maybe not major, but I think you get what I mean? It’s just… I feel like we have to do whatever we can to make lives easier for people, especially marginalised ones, and because of that people like Richards can never, ever win, or we get set back years when it comes to progression. And, well, if I can do my part in helping as much as I can and convince even one person while I do this, then I at least feel like I did something worthwhile, you know?’

And the thing is, he gets it. He absolutely gets where she’s coming from, her drive, her optimism, but at the same time, he also admires her already simply because she doesn’t seem to give up. She’s a fighter, doesn’t let herself get beaten down, doesn’t let herself get swayed by important people and just does what she does best. Maybe he’s wrong in the assessment. He could be. But from what she’s saying he just wishes that there were more people like her in the world, because they certainly needed them.

‘That’s admirable,’ Alex says. ‘Really. I absolutely get why you do this and… well, we can always use more people like you on this campaign.’ And in the world, really. But this was a good step, a solid one.

‘Do you want to tell me more about yourself?’ It’s maybe a cop-out, but Alex feels like he can get out of his head for a bit, as he listens to her talk. It’s a nice distraction as they work, and as long as he doesn’t spiral he also doesn’t think about messages that might or might not be sitting in his inbox right now. He can just be, and he really, really needs that right now.

And so Hannah does. It’s easy to listen to her talk about herself, how she has two siblings, one older, one younger. Her mum a nurse, her dad a banker (she tells this with a bit of a grimace, if only because it apparently sounds dreadfully boring to her). She tells about her ambitions to become a photographer, what she’d like her focus to eventually be on (which is, apparently, sapphic photography. Alex can only applaud her ambitions). Hannah tells about her plans to study photography at NYU, but how she’s taking a gap year right now, working as much as she can while volunteering alongside to earn as much money as possible, not only to help her pay for camera’s and the likes, but also to build as much of a monetary buffer as she can. It’s all very responsible, something Alex hasn’t needed to think about in a while, but he appreciates the reminder nonetheless. Lets it ground him. 

He tells her things in return. Not much, not really, but he figures he can get away with telling her about June, Nora. The superficial stuff, something that can be found online but maybe parsed with more personal bits than can be found. She doesn’t seem to mind, happy to keep the conversation going, and Alex is just grateful. He needed this more than he was willing to admit, and now he feels like he can relax, even if it’s just for the time that he’s here.

The tension returns once the workday ends, however. His phone is full of notifications from several news outlets, though nothing he didn’t know already, some random texts from June and Nora and their group chat, sent throughout the day at random intervals, and none from Henry. He tries not to be surprised, not to be hurt, but he can’t help feeling disappointed anyway. Of course Henry said one thing and did another. It wasn’t anything new. Maybe he was fucking up by not sending the first message, but he also did not want to seem too desperate, too eager, and, well, Henry was the one who left, so really, it should be up to him. He pockets his phone, sighing, gets out of the car once they’re back at the White House, only to be snatched up by Zahra the second he steps foot inside, instantly demanding his phone too.

‘You. With me. Now.’ She doesn’t sound happy, not at all, and Alex has to jog to keep up with her fast strides. He’s confused, doesn’t know what he did this time, why he had to hand in his phone, but can’t make out the muttering Zahra’s doing under her breath either. Some words filter through, curse words, some mentions about gray hair, sending her to an early grave, the usual, really. Or, the usual once she’s angry, but Alex legit has no idea what he’s done this time, and it doesn’t help at all that, when he’s pushed into the Oval Office and sees the grim look on his mothers face, with Nora frowning at a laptop in front of her and June anxiously wringing her hands, that he realizes something is very, very wrong indeed.

‘What’s going on? What’s wrong?’ He looks from one person to the other, but none of them seem to want to take the first step.

‘You may want to sit down,’ his mother says, and, well, that sets him even more on edge.

‘What’s going on?’ he repeats, more forcefully. Or maybe a tad more desperate. He doesn’t quite care. All he wants right now are answers, because whatever it is, it absolutely involves him, or otherwise would somehow break him, like if anything had happened to Henry. Alex tries to hold on to the hope it’s not the latter, though, rationalizes it away with the thought that Zahra likely wouldn’t have been as angry as she was. It’s a comfort, a little one, sure, but a comfort nonetheless.

‘Alex -’ He doesn’t know who says his name, pleadingly. He thinks it’s June, but he doesn’t listen to another attempt of someone wanting him to sit down. 

‘Just tell me!’ He’s more on edge than he’d like to be, but then, his patience and tolerance has been very low ever since That Day, not helped by his lack of sleep and him stuffing as many feelings down as he can. It was going to come out one way or another anyway.

‘Fine, have it your way,’ Zahra says. He almost sends her a look of gratitude, but is halted by his mum holding up a warning hand to Zahra, before she moves from behind her desk, coming around towards him, leading him backwards towards one of the couches and making him sit down next to her. He lets it happen, too stunned and scared to do anything else, and suddenly he is worried about something having happened to Henry. What else could it be?

‘Sugar, we’ve got an email earlier today.’ Okay? Alex doesn’t know where this is going, but the fact that his mum started with Sugar, still isn’t helping to bring him back from the edge. 

‘This email informed us of the fact that we have a breach here, one that seemingly exposed all your emails. We initially did not think it to be true, but it seems legitimate.’ Alex freezes. 

‘What?’ he says. Because no. This cannot be true. This cannot be happening.

‘What’s worse,’ his mother continues, a concerned look on her face, ‘is that it’s apparently already in the process of being sold to the news, with the intention of it all being made public.’

‘No.’ The word leaves Alex’s mouth unbidden, but he can’t help it. His mind is racing at a speed he doesn’t think it’s raced before, implications, outrage, thoughts, all hurtling through his head, and all he can think of when it comes to his emails, his emails, being leaked, is Henry. HenryHenryHenry.

‘No. No. Absolutely not.’ He gets up, starts pacing, runs his hands through his curls and lets them get snagged within them. ‘There has to be something we can do. There has to be. This. No. This can’t happen!’ 

‘Alex -’

‘What are they even trying to accomplish?’ Alex continues, ignoring whoever called his name and just barging on. ‘Just out me? How detailed does it even get?’ He doesn’t want to know, he really doesn’t, but at the same time he does, because to find a way out of this mess, he needs to know how big the mess is exactly.

‘We believe the main idea behind it all is to discredit the administration, sow suspicion on what else is on our servers, and use your relationship with Henry as an example of how families are not meant to be.’ 

‘But we aren’t even in a relationship !’ Alex bursts out. His voice cracks as he says it, does his best to swallow a sob. He’s not sure whether he’s even said the words before, not to anyone other than June and Nora, that is, and obviously Cash knew, but the people in the room are either damn good liars, or nobody told them that it was over, and he’d done a great job at pretending everything was okay. Because most of them, even his mom, seem to be surprised at this statement, if the raising of eyebrows and shocked looks are anything to go by. He wonders how much of the emails they’ve read, if it’s even in there, and then decides he doesn’t want to know. Wants to at least pretend that he at least was offered a bit of privacy from the people here, that they didn’t know his innermost thoughts and desires.

‘How much is even in there?’ Alex bulldozes on, lets his gaze go over everyone in the room, basically demanding an answer from whoever is willing to give it to him.

‘From what it seems to be, it’s all your emails.’ All of them. Fucking all of them . Alex pales, shakes his head, resumes his pacing as he swallows down the bile in his throat. He can’t lose it now. He can’t.

‘And the leak is from our server? Not theirs?’ Alex asks, because he needs to know. He needs to know Henry is safe, or, at least, can be saved. Because no matter what happened between them, no matter that Henry said he still wanted to be friends and then proceeded to not even text him once, he still fucking loves that shithead, and he would do anything to protect him. No matter the cost.

‘That’s what it seems like, sugar,’ his mom says. ‘But Nora is trying to verify that.’ Huh, that explains why she’s behind a laptop and hasn’t said a word. He wonders if she even realises he is in the room at this very moment.

‘Okay, okay, cool.’ Alex hasn’t stopped pacing, and he very much ignores the concerned but wary look in June’s eyes, like he’s a caged animal who needs gentle approach. It’s probably not even too far off, either.

‘So what’s the plan, what can we do?’ he asks. Because there has to be a plan, there has to be something they can do. It shouldn’t be bleak and hopeless and a fucking crash in slow-motion. 

‘That’s what we’re trying to figure out,’ Zahra says. ‘Because there isn’t much we can do.’ Alex whirls around, fuming.

‘What the fuck do you mean? There isn’t much that can be done?’ He’s angry, and he doesn’t have a mind to filter himself. No matter how scary Zahra can be. He doesn’t fucking care.

‘There is much to consider, and we don’t know how much time we’ve got, to discuss all options.’ It’s the fucking diplomatic answer, and he’s sick of it.

‘That’s my point!’ Alex says. ‘There isn’t any fucking time. So, what? What are you going to do? Are you going to let this happen? Are you going to let them out me?’

‘Of course not!’ Zahra says, at the same time that Ellen tries to warn Alex. He ignores them both.

‘Then what? Are you going to try and sue them for something that isn’t even a deal yet? Because I don’t think that’s going to stick. Release some kind of statement that would make no sense to anyone at all? Discuss other routes? Because in the meantime, seconds are ticking away, and my life is about to become public in a way that I do not consent to?’ 

‘Fucks sake, Alex, this isn’t all about you!’ Zahra is angry, but Alex is even more so. He laughs, though there’s no humor behind it, because, well, she is right. Just not in the way she’s probably thinking. This is about Alex’ privacy, Henry’s, which are both about to be violated. Their lives scrutinised by everyone. Abuse about to be unleashed upon Henry the second this comes out, with no warning at all, and no way for him to comfort Henry because he, frankly, isn’t allowed to anymore. Not in the way he wants and needs, anyway.

‘Don’t you think I know that?’ Alex says, dangerously low. ‘Do you think I don’t realise what is all at stake, here? What the ramifications will be? And not just for me?’ He doesn’t even mention Henry’s name, doesn’t think it’ll be of any help whatsoever. It’s not like they seem to care what’s happening to him anyway, so it is, once again, Alex’ job to do that. Because someone has to. So he has to think, think of something, needs to be ahead of them all.

‘I don’t think you do, no, not fully,’ Zahra continues, arms crossed over her chest, eyebrow raised. Alex truly wants to cry, but he doesn’t. Of course the fucking administration is more important. He gets it, he does, but that doesn’t make it fucking fair and doesn’t make him wish that maybe, just for once, it could be different.

‘What if I come out?’ Alex asks. He doesn’t want to. Not really. But it’s going to fucking happen anyway, and maybe this could help. Maybe this could stop their mails from being leaked. Maybe this could protect Henry.

‘What?’ Zahra asks.

‘Alex,’ June mutters, softly, getting what he’s aiming for, realising what’s happening. It sounds encouraging, or maybe that’s just to his ears. He takes it anyway.

‘What if I come out? Now?’ he repeats. ‘Would it help? Is there a chance that it could stop them from releasing it all? The mails, the credibility of our servers, anything?’ Zahra blinks, shares a look with Ellen, before they, and some other staffers, immediately start to look through papers.

‘There is a possibility,’ one of the staffers says. Zahra frowns.

‘Nora!’ she barks. Nora blinks a few times, as if coming out of a daze, frowns as she looks up at Zahra.

‘What?’

‘Numbers on the possibility of this all being stopped if Alex comes out before it’s all sold?’ Nora blinks again, realising Alex is in the room. She nods at him in greeting, before she frowns as she does the calculations.

‘53% percent probability of the news refusing the deal. 68% if Alex comments on how it’s a violation of privacy and how everyone should come out on his own time, 72% if there is also a comment on his current relationship status. 88% possibility of Richards trying to discredit us regardless because of Alex’ coming out.’ Alex sighs, nods, runs the numbers in his head, even if it isn’t his strong suit. Still, the numbers are good enough, the odds enough in his favor that he might be able to protect Henry. He can’t do anything about Richards trying to tear into the queer community, but that’s okay. He realises that it’s something Richard would try and do anyway, and some people just refuse to see how beautiful it all can be. But the rest, it’s maybe not enough, but maybe it is, and he has to jump off the cliff and just hope he lands. There’s nothing else for it.

‘I’m doing it,’ he announces. He doesn’t give a shit about what anyone here thinks. He won’t be stopped. This is too important.

‘You’re sure about this, sugar?’ his mom asks. Alex whirls around once again, determination set on his face, as well as anger.

‘It’s not like there is much of a choice to be made, is there?’ he says. ‘Either I do it myself, or it gets done for me. At least this way I get to decide the narrative myself. At least this way, a lot less people will have to face the fire if shit hits the fan. So yes, I’m fucking sure about this.’ 

‘Let’s do it, then.’ 

The draft gets made. Alex insists on writing it himself, but allows June to help him out with the words when he can’t find the right ones to say what he wants to say. They do it in a secluded corner of the room, ignoring Zahra’s pacing who’s itching to get a hand on it, just to be sure it’s appropriate enough. Alex has one shot to get this right, and he wants to do it the best way he can. It’s still not the way he wanted it to go, he’s still not sure about anything beyond wanting to protect Henry in whatever way possible. He’s still angry, hurt, wound tight, feeling like the littlest blow can set him alight and make him crumble at the same time. He’s holding on, though, as tight as he can. Refuses to let more than anger show, burying the anguish and hurt as far down as he can.

In the end, he’s pretty proud of what they’ve written. They’ve given him his phone back once it was made certain that wasn’t hacked, so he can post the statement on all his socials. It’s still on time, no news has been leaked, and he can only hope that it was enough, will be enough, and that it doesn’t end up being all for nothing. No matter what happens, though, he’s at least proud he got to do it himself, instead of it being done for him. For now, though, he reads it over one more time before hitting post.

Good afternoon,

During this campaign, I have met a lot of people. People who’ve told me how happy they were to see a family like mine in the White House, people who’ve told me how much more confidence they had, hope that there maybe was a future for them. But, also, maybe most importantly, people who came up to us, thanking us for the continued advocating for the LGBTQIA+ community, how they were brave enough to come out, be themselves, because of our approach.

Today, however, I was also reminded of the fact that not everyone has the opportunity to be who they are, come out when they want to, because it simply is not safe enough for them to do so. I was reminded of the fact that, in some cases, this choice is taken away from them, by people outing others, sometimes forcibly, before they’re ready, be it because of revenge, or a power play, or simply because of selfish reasons.

I just want to say to those people: you matter. You’re valid. You’re loved. You’re seen. Nobody should come out if they don’t want to, or feel safe enough to do so. It should be everybody’s own choice.

Because of this, I can only hope that people will continue to fight for those who cannot. Stand up for them when they’re unable to. Fight for their rights and drown out all those voices who say it’s not natural, not normal, because they’re wrong.

I can promise you all, that whether you stand with me, with us, in this ongoing fight, or whether you don’t, that I will continue to fight. Always, forever. Because I am one of you.

I am Alex Claremont-Diaz. Biracial. Bisexual. And your First Son, for as long as you will have me.

Alex sighs. Hits send. Immediately turns off his notifications on all the posts, before he pockets his phone and stands up.

‘That’s done. Is that all?’ he asks, because, frankly, he is exhausted and all he wants is to lie the fuck down and let it all out, away from everyone else. Feels like he deserves that.

‘Yes, Alex. You can leave, if you want.’ Alex nods, gets up, refuses to look anyone in the eye as he grips his phone like a lifeline in one hand, while he tries to relax the other for now, as much as he can. He’s almost at the door when Zahra calls out to him.

‘Alex, one more thing.’ He stops walking, looks over his shoulder in acknowledgement.

‘We had to purge all your messages from both your phone and email, so don’t be surprised. We had to do it for safety reasons, I’m sure you understand.’ The look on Zahra’s face is one that could only slightly be described as sympathetic if you squinted and maybe tilted your head a certain way. Alex is not sure whether he imagines it or not, in any case, because that would just make him shatter. Instead, he just exhales and nods, gripping his phone even tighter to the point that he fears it might just shatter underneath the pressure, even if he knows, deep down, that it’s sturdier than that, before leaving the room.

The second he’s out of there, the hand that he was keeping as relaxed as possible balls into a fist, nails digging so hard into the palm of his hand that they actually draw blood. Alex doesn’t notice. All he’s focused on is reaching his room as fast as possible, his feet pounding on the floor, dodging staffers left and right, not even bothering to apologise as he weaves through them, though that’s mainly because he barely registers them.

The second he enters his room, he shuts the door behind him tight, before throwing both himself and his phone on the bed. A part of him wants to double-check whether Zahra says was true, whether all his messages were truly gone, or whether there was something, anything, left. Another part of him knows that it’s futile, that she wouldn’t lie about it, not about this, not when it can influence the campaign.

And, well, it hurts .

Because it was one thing to delete those messages himself, at least at some point, when he was ready. Maybe when he lost all hope of ever getting back together with Henry, though even then he wouldn’t be sure whether he’d delete it all, or keep some of it. The parts that were before they got together, when they just got to know each other better, maybe.

It was yet another thing, however, to have someone do it for you. Sure, it was nice if someone did it for you, with your consent, simply because it needed to be done and you couldn’t bring yourself to do it, not really. But that wasn’t the case here. It was a necessity, something which he couldn’t stop no matter how much he could’ve begged, pleaded. It was just… all gone. Everything. All the words Henry ever wrote to him, the jokes, the messages of pride, and love, tenderness. The messages where Alex truly felt seen, and appreciated for who he was, because no matter what Henry said, or felt, those words had been genuine. He had to believe that they were. 

He’d read them over, sometimes, just to be able to feel like he had someone in his corner, not bound by familial bounds or some kind of contract. Sure, they were thrown together because of that cake, but it needn’t be as deep as what it ended up being, so Alex truly thought that he had someone root for him, on those days where he felt a little less confident, less sure. 

And now, that last tether to Henry, that last piece he had not yet thrown away, barring pictures he couldn’t bring himself to look at, not just yet, was taken from him.

Alex wants to scream.

He doesn’t do it, if only because he doesn’t want to attract the attention of, well, anyone in the White House, be it security, or family, or whoever. It’s just all so fucking unfair, and all he wants is for it to stop, for it to be over. Really, all he wants is Henry, if he’s honest, to have him hold him, tell him that everything was going to be okay. Just Henry curled around him, so he could bury himself into his shoulder, take in his smell, and just feel safe, and at home. But he can’t, not now, and maybe not ever again, and Jesus Christ it hurts . 

Alex frowns at the sound of his phone buzzing next to him, glancing at the screen that’s lighting up with the notification of a new text. He’s got half a mind of leaving it be, but scrambles for it once he spots the name on the screen. Henry .

HRH Prince Dickhead

Alex - I just saw your post. I am so, so proud of you. How are you feeling?

Alex stares at his phone, tries not to be disappointed by the obvious fact that all his messages did get purged, if the very empty text chain with Henry is anything to go by. Tries to hold on to that feeling that Henry’s pride is filling him with, as if he knew that Alex needed to hear that. Still, the question Henry is asking is a loaded one, and he chews on his lip as he ponders how to respond to it.

Alex

terrified, lol

It’s not much of a response. Not entirely the truth, either. But it’s a response, and at least not a lie. He just… didn’t tell Henry all of it. He just… feels like he can’t burden Henry with it all, not when Henry can never find out what he did, what was at stake. All he can do is hope that it wasn’t all for naught, and it all gets leaked anyway.

HRH Prince Dickhead

What is it you’re afraid of? The reaction the public will have to it? To you, specifically? Or are you afraid of what this is going to do to the campaign?

How is it that Henry can still read him like a book? Pinpoint exactly what Alex is so afraid of, aside from the entire Henry-related aspect of it all? Is he that transparent? Or did he just share too much with Henry to the point it’s now a simple one plus one equals two kinda thing? 

Alex

the latter, tbh

HRH Prince Dickhead

Was this not posted with their knowledge? Or without their full support?

Not for the first time, Alex wonders why Henry has to be this good. He can almost feel the concern coming from those texts, the indignation, but Alex ignores it. It is, after all, what Henry has to deal with himself, and even if that’s absolutely not okay, he has to know better when it comes to Alex’ situation.

Alex

no, no, they wanted me to post this, it’s fine

And he knows, he knows , he’s fucked up when there’s an immediate response to it.

HRH Prince Dickhead

Alex…

He needs to abort this mission. He needs to tone it back, overstepping once again, and fuck, what does he say?! Alex can see Henry typing, stopping, and typing again, however, and he really, really, needs to stop him, before it’s too late.

Alex

it was my decision to this, honestly

before you think anything else

just meant that they approved of it, thats all

HRH Prince Dickhead

Oh. Okay, that’s good, then. You had me worried, there, for a second. I’m glad to hear that’s not necessary. After all, this is all I ever wanted for you.

And shit. Fucking shit . His hands are trembling and his eyes are getting blurry with unshed tears as he stares at the text Henry send. It’s almost impossible for him to read it, now, but he’s fairly certain he’s going to see the imprint of this text even in his sleep. He had Henry worried. He has Henry glad, now, that the worry is not warranted. Henry states that all he ever wanted for Alex is this , whatever this is meant to be. Alone? Out? Without Henry? Is that what he was getting at? He’s afraid to ask, doesn’t want to know the answer, isn’t sure he’d be able to deal with it, no matter what the answer even is. 

A small part of him is glad that Henry’s not worried about him, that his responses haven’t triggered some kind of alarm bell, like Henry could sense that he’s only hanging on by a thread. It’s a good thing, really, because that means Henry has no idea as to what’s going on. It means that he’s not a burden to him, to anyone. That he isn’t being too much, likely to disappoint anyone who knows him.

On the other hand, though, he wishes Henry would still worry about him. Call him. Make sure he truly was okay. He had a hope, for a second, with the questioning, the fact that Henry says he’s proud of him, before it was all snatched away again, that that care, and the fact that he seemed to pinpoint right where the issue lay, was all seemingly just luck, maybe a fragment of his imagination.

He takes a deep, shuddering breath, blinks a few times, enough for the blurriness to go away long enough so he can fire off a quick response.

Alex

thanks :) 

It’s not much, but it’ll have to do. He throws his phone to the side, digs the palms of his hands in his eyes, frowning a bit when one of them stings a bit, but welcoming it anyway. He hopes, and hopes, and hopes, that somehow, some way, this conversation is not truly over, wonders what that makes him, before dismissing that thought altogether. His phone stays silent, however. No buzzing sound comes, and when picks his phone back up, he risks a glance at the text chain through blurry eyes, only to find the message to be read.

‘Fuck,’ Alex says, throwing his phone back down, and shaking his head. His vision remains blurry, the tears threatening to fall. Alex scrambles off the bed, moves to the bathroom, because if he’s going to cry over this, he sure as hell is going to do it there, underneath the shower, so he at least will be alone.

Once he’s in the bathroom, he turns the shower on, and gets out of his clothes as fast as he can. It’s a bit of an effort, with how much he’s shaking with barely withheld sobs, but eventually he manages, stepping underneath the spray that’s just on the wrong side of too hot. He relishes in it, though, lets the water pound on him, mixing with the tears he finally lets fall, hoping beyond hope that maybe, just maybe, the water will take his sadness along with it down the drain.

He could certainly do with feeling as close to fine as possible as he can, after all.

Chapter Text

In the month that followed, life went on as, well, pretty much normal, Alex had to admit. He still ignored all his socials, refused to read the comments, but everyone who mattered had sent him texts of support. (Hannah, who had heard the news, had shown up at work, clapped him on the shoulder, and said ‘Welcome to the club. I don’t have cookies, but do you want a sticker?’ Alex had looked baffled at that, but Hannah wasn’t deterred. ‘Don’t pretend you don’t like them. Everyone does, even if they claim it’s too childish. Honestly, we all could do with that childlike innocence at times, and just admit we want that validation too. So, you want one?’ Since then he was the proud owner of a bi-flag sticker, stuck prominently to his phone case. He was maybe a little bit too pleased about it all). He hadn’t had any breakdowns since, and with each day that passed, Alex felt less and less on edge, for the news reports regarding his emails and the leaks didn’t come. He felt safer and safer in the knowledge that Henry was safe, and sound, protected and not outed, that he’d done the right thing in coming out himself, shouldering the weight of it all.

Alex also had become friends with Hannah. She didn’t care about any of the fanfare, had signed NDA’s without question, though she did carefully read them, and it was because of that, that he had asked her to be his +1 to the party he had to attend as FSOTUS. He knew June and Nora were both going too, both eschewing the +1 for themselves, but he also was very much aware of the fact that Henry would be there, and that he was likely to either have Bea around him, or Pez. Alex wasn’t about to third wheel either group. He wanted a buffer, because he was doing fine, thank you very much, and he wasn’t going to stand in the way of June and Nora’s friendship with Bea, or whatever they had going on with Pez. He and Henry were fine, after all, texting sporadically, though this time Henry was always the one who started the conversations. Alex still wasn’t ready to initiate it himself, and was also still of the opinion that Henry would have to make most of the effort.

Regardless of that all, Hannah had agreed to come, grumbling a bit about how she now had to buy an outfit and actually take time with her appearance, but agreeing nonetheless, and that was how Alex found himself in a car with June, and Nora, as they picked Hannah up on the way.

‘Oh my god, I love your outfit!’ Nora exclaims as soon as Hannah enters the car like this was a normal, every day occurrence and totally not something she got to do for the very first time. ‘Where did you get it?’ Alex looks Hannah over, fist-bumping her in greeting, but a bit distracted by her as he does so. Hannah is wearing a red jumpsuit, paired with black heels and a black clutch, hair swept up to one side and tumbling over her shoulder in waves. It’s the most put together he’s ever seen her, and it takes him a moment to adjust to it.

‘Oh, thanks!’ Hannah says, looking her outfit over. ‘I actually found it at this thrift shop? A lucky find, honestly, but I thought it was good for tonight, based on what Alex told me. The best part, if you ask me, is that it’s got pockets .’ Alex blinks, feeling wildly out of place, as June and Nora both gasp over the pockets. It’s not something he understands, doesn’t think he’ll ever understand, but he’s also heard the both of them complaining one too many times about the lack of pockets in their clothing, so maybe it all does make sense.

‘Y’all look great too!’ Alex smiles. He’s wearing a navy tux, June shining in a deep green floor length dress and gold heels, while Nora wears a burgundy knee-length dress, paired with silver heels. ‘So what can I expect for tonight? Just mingling, dancing, food, drinks, and a lot of famous people?’

‘Pretty much,’ June nods. 

‘Ah, good. Sounds fun. Anything else I need to know?’

‘Just don’t go blabbing to press what happens there, and you should be good.’ Hannah pulls a face.

‘Yeah, no, obviously. That’s not my thing anyway. I never understood what people stood to gain from it, but, whatever. It’s all reasonable.’ June and Nora nod in approval.

‘You’re good, Hannah,’ Alex says. ‘Just be yourself. As long as we don’t make the news negatively, we should be good.’ 

‘I wasn’t planning on doing any of that, but, well, sometimes shit happens.’ She shrugs. ‘We’ll see. I’m just here to have a good time with all of you.’ 

‘It’ll be fine!’ Nora doesn’t look as certain as she sounds, but it’s only just. Alex tries not to let it bother him, doesn’t even know if that uncertainty is directed at him simply because Henry will be there tonight. He is just going to pretend that it isn’t. They’re talking. He hasn’t had a breakdown in a month. He’s been eating (when he remembers, or Hannah insists she shares her lunch with him because she can’t eat it all and she has to throw it out otherwise), he’s been sleeping (a few hours each night, but hey, better than nothing), and… it’s fine. He’s fine. A lot better than last month, anyway, so there’s certainly improvement.

When they arrive at the party, it’s already in full swing. Hannah frets for a moment, thinking they’re late, but they all reassure her that it’s all fine, and that they aren’t late by anyone’s standards.

Henry is there already, accompanied by Pez, as Alex suspected, and it’s not long until Pez notices them and starts to them, Henry following him, a pace behind.

‘Alexander, babes!’ Pez greets him jovially. He doesn’t understand why, not really, but he’s grateful for the sense of normalcy nonetheless.

‘Splendid to see you again here! Ladies, you look fabulous, as always. And… I have not had the pleasure of meeting you, have I?’ Pez continues, like nothing is amiss, directing his attention to Hannah.

‘Percy Okonjo, Pez, like the sweets.’ He beams. 

‘Love that,’ Hannah grins. ‘I’m Hannah, nice to meet you.’ 

‘Lovely to meet you,’ Pez says. ‘And please, do tell me where you got that outfit. It looks amazing on you!’ Hannah beams, but before she can answer, Henry reaches all of them.

‘Alex, June, Nora,’ he greets them all.

‘Hi, Henry,’ Alex says, ignoring the frown on Hannah’s face as she looks from Henry to him and back. 

‘May I introduce Hannah to you? She is a volunteer at the campaign.’ Henry nods, smiles, holds out a hand.

‘Nice to meet you, Hannah. I’m Henry.’ Hannah smiles, accepts his hand.

‘Pleasure to meet you, your royal highness?’ The last bit comes out questioning, unsure if she’s done it right. 

‘Just Henry, please, if you can help it.’

‘Just Henry, cool, I can work with that,’ Hannah nods. ‘Now, as to answer your question,’ she continues. ‘I actually thrifted this outfit, so beyond the shop where I bought this, I can’t tell you much more.’ 

‘Thrifted, you say?’ Pez’s eyes are lighting up with delight. ‘Oh, come with me, then. You must tell me everything, and we can get some refreshments besides. You’re okay for a moment, there, Haz?’ Henry nods, waves him away.

‘I’ll be fine,’ he answers. ‘Go have fun.’ Pez cackles at that, leading Hannah away. Alex is fine, really. It is probably a good thing that she already captured his interest, can just revel in the moment of her being accepted, not that he had much doubts about it all. 

June and Nora follow the pair, after quietly checking in with Alex, and seriously, why is everyone so worried about him? But after reassuring them both that he is fine, thank you very much, please stop asking, he’s left alone with Henry for the first time since the summit.

‘How are you doing?’ Henry asks, the look in his eyes incredibly sincere, like he really, truly wants to know. It warms Alex, but it also makes him wary, because no matter the fact that Henry said he wanted to remain friends, he has still left before, so how long will it take before it’s all snatched away from him again?

‘I’m fine,’ he still answers, because, well, Henry did ask and he can’t exactly ignore him. Not that he wants to, really, but that undercurrent of fear and hurt and want and longing still remains.

He feels Henry scrutinizing him, as if he’s trying to find something, anything, to tell him whether or not this is the truth. Alex has got nothing to hide, though. He is doing fine, even if he’s feeling a little conflicted at the moment. Whatever Henry searched for, however, he seems to have found an answer, for he nods and smiles.

‘Good, that’s good.’ Alex smiles, a tiny, little thing, as Henry exhales. He’s about to ask how he’s been doing himself, or Bea, or, hell, even David or Philip , even if only to keep the conversation going, to not let it die, when they get interrupted.

‘Mr. Claremont-Diaz?’ the voice says. Alex frowns, turns around, before plastering on his best press-smile as he’s greeted by the face of some kind of celebrity he actually doesn’t know the name of. He should ask June, later, when she’s actually around and not somewhere with Pez and Nora and Hannah doing God knows what.

‘Yes?’ He ignores Henry, for now, but he seems intent to just let this conversation be between him and whoever the young woman in front of him is. That’s okay. In the meantime he can think of what to ask Henry, right? It’s all working out.

‘I just wanted to say that I thought it was very brave of you to come out.’ And.

Fuck.

‘Oh. Thank you.’ He tries to draw on every bit of media training he has ever had, every time Zahra drilled something into him when it came to maintaining an image, how he could not fuck this up. Tries to think of every colorful image she painted in the events that he did, in fact, fuck up, if only to keep his brain on track because he cannot falter now. 

‘I’m not sure whether it was brave, really, but -’ 

‘It was brave,’ Henry interjects. And, shit, Alex almost forgot he was even there. ‘I know I’ve said it before, Alex, but I really am very proud of you.’ His voice is laced with fondness, but is also a tone that brooks no argument. And. Fuck. He wants to believe Henry, he really, really does, but he also cannot help but wonder if this is only said because of the fact that they have a friendship to maintain, especially in front of other people, where they can be overheard. He doesn’t turn to look in Henry’s eyes, though. He doesn’t want to risk it, see whether he truly means it. Either way, he won’t be able to cope, and he has to keep it together. He cannot break down, no matter how much he wants to get out of here, feeling like he’s clawing out of his skin. He can’t though. He has to fucking endure.

‘His Royal Highness is right, mr. Claremont-Diaz. You should be proud. I hope that you are.’ She smiles. ‘Either way… I just wanted to tell you this, thank you so much for your time.’ With another smile, she turns around and leaves, and Henry and he are alone once again.

‘You’re sure you’re alright, Alex? I truly did not wish to make you uncomfortable. I’m sorry if I overstepped.’ He sees Henry’s hand hovering near his shoulders, before he thinks better of it and lets it drop. Alex feels bereft, had wanted that point of contact, if only to ground him. Yet, he also doesn’t know what he would’ve done had Henry touched him, because he feels entirely unmoored. Henry worried whether he overstepped? Henry wishing Alex to be comfortable? If anything, he should know that he didn’t, that any reason for Alex being uncomfortable is laid, at least in huge part, at his feet because they’re alone once again, and he can’t have Henry because Henry didn’t want him.

But Alex feels guilty about that too, because it was obviously him who went too far, every damn time. Henry did nothing wrong now but stick up for him, vocalize his pride, just like every other good friend would do. What Alex would’ve done if the roles had been reversed. It’s wrong to lay the blame at his feet when everything had sounded so genuine, whereas Alex just didn’t know what to do with it and therefore just stumbled around like a headless chicken. Why did it all have to be so fucking complicated?

‘Yeah, I’m fine, truly,’ he answers. He’s not. He knows he’s not. But he needs Henry to not push and let it go because… well. Goddamnit, he came out to protect Henry, did he not? If he loses it, if he lets slip that it was all because of him, all for him, with little care for himself and the consequences of his actions, for as long as Henry was safe, sound, as happy in his fucking tower as he could be, then it was all for nothing and he can’t have that happen. Not to mention the fact that it would all backfire on the campaign too, dredge up stuff they tried so hard to squash and bury so it never could’ve come up. They’d succeeded, so far, all of them. He just needed Henry to back the fuck off right now.

‘Okay, okay, Alex, I believe you. It’s all good,’ Henry says in a soothing tone. Alex blinks, realizing he might have been a bit too snappy, maybe breathing a bit too hard. A bit too close to bordering on a panic attack, and… he can’t have that. Not now. So he tries to breathe, nod, take a sip of his drink, anything to not have to say anything to Henry, because he can’t. Not only does he have the feeling that he’d shatter under his gaze, which is… well. Kind, soothing. Worried, maybe, but he said he believed him so it can’t be that. Aside from that, it’s almost all that Alex has wanted and he just doesn’t deserve it . He lied to Henry. Keeps pushing him away, even if he has to, even if he has to create space between them so he can’t be too much, too overwhelming. Alex really thought he was doing a good job at that, but that doesn’t mean he deserves this kindness, this care. Whatever he does, is, after all, not right and too little and too much all at once and it really would be better if he was treated like he deserved to be treated.

Instead, Alex is just here, longing for Henry, wishing for his warmth, kindness, love. Hating himself because he nearly lost it, because he lied to Henry, because he’s still not fucking fine no matter how much he wants to be, and because he still keeps wanting Henry despite the fact that he has to let him go. He keeps fucking failing, disappointing people, making them worry about him while they all have better things to do than wasting their time on him. And he hates it so much, because he’s trying so hard, and he can’t give up, won’t give up, but it also isn’t getting easier, and that stings too.

‘Come on,’ Henry says, breaking through his reverie. He nudges him slightly, but keeps his hands on his drink, and otherwise doesn’t touch him. It’s probably for the best. ‘Let’s go see what the others are up to. I can imagine you would want to make sure Hannah is doing okay, and not leave her in Pez’ clutches for too long. Not that I don’t trust him implicitly, of course, but I’d rather him not tell her too many embarrassing stories, even if it’s just to put her at ease.’

‘Would he really do that?’ Alex asks. He frowns. He likes Pez, he really does, but he also barely got to spend one on one time with him, so he’s also not in a position to know whether he can expect something like that from him.

‘I don’t know whether I should be relieved that he apparently never passed on stories to you,’ Henry admits with a smile. ‘But yes, he would, if he thought it necessary. And, of course, if he thought that person was trustworthy. He’d tell nothing scandalous, mind, nothing that could get him into trouble. Think in the lines of, Christ, I don’t know. Philip tripping over David’s leash, or something. This hasn’t happened, but nothing more serious than that, especially not in a setting like this.’

‘Ah. Well, that’s okay then.’ Alex doesn’t think Pez has much on him at all, not really, so he thinks he would be fairly safe from it all. Besides, he doesn’t think Hannah will need it, unless he’s severely misjudging her. From what he’s seen, she’s solid as a rock, unflappable, and entirely able to fit herself in whatever situation she’s in. That isn’t to say that she would be entirely at ease, but at least he doesn’t think it’ll be to the point she’d need an icebreaker like that. Still, though…

‘Does that mean there’s quite a bit of stories I can get on you, though?’ he asks Henry, before he can stop himself. He wants to backtrack because he didn’t mean to say it, but Henry laughs, so maybe it’s okay.

‘Undoubtedly. You’re welcome to ask him, if you’d like. It’s… embarrassing, really, but I don’t mind you knowing. All I ask is if you would ask him when I’m not around, if you do at all, so I can at least pretend to have a shred of dignity left.’ Alex snorts, and he feels warmth blossoming in his chest when he sees Henry smile too.

‘That would indicate you had any left, really,’ Alex teases, hoping it’s okay, because Henry did smile, and it would be so nice to feel like he can do it right. He could use that hope right now.

‘Oi!’ Henry says, but he’s still smiling. ‘I really should have you thrown in the tower for this,’ he muses, shaking his head.

‘Well, you know my thoughts about that.’ And. Oh fuck. Oh fucking shit. Abort mission. Why doesn’t he have a fucking filter?

‘I… Uhm. Yes. That I do,’ Henry says, but it sounds strained. The grip on his glass seems somewhat tighter and he swallows, but Alex doesn’t know if it’s discomfort or something else. He doesn’t want to know, really, because either he fucked up once again, or Henry is more affected by it all than he’d like to be, and that’s a torture of a different kind. He’s better off not knowing.

‘Ah, Pez, there you are,’ he then says, relieved, and. Well. Alex can relate. It’s a bit of an awful thought to have, but at least the buffer is there and he can just get away from Henry for a bit, spend time with Hannah, and Nora, and his sister.

‘You didn’t corrupt Hannah, then, Pez?’ Alex asks, trying to keep the tone light, teasing. Hannah looks, after all, fine, and not the least bowled over like some other people do within Pez’ presence if they’re not used to him. He also gets that, captivating though it may also be.

‘Nah,’ Pez says, grinning. ‘She doesn’t need any. If anything, she might corrupt me , and that is saying something. I’m impressed. Truly.’ Alex grins at that, while Hannah takes a bow, smiling. June and Nora shake their heads, smiling, but it’s good-natured, and Alex just feels very warm inside.

‘Do you want to mingle? Or dance, or?’ he asks Hannah, because, well, he just needs to get away from Henry for a bit and not make it obvious that he’s doing just that. Besides, they truly do need to go and mingle at some point, because that’s basically the entire point of them being here in the first place, even if he knows that the press will have a field day as it is, with five of the super six present, and Hannah there besides.

‘We can do both? But maybe dance first?’ Hannah suggests. It’s probably the better option, really, even if it means that he can truly check in with her, not that he thinks she lied, but also to see what kind of story she wants to present to others if they happen to think they’re dating. He knows they’re not, she knows it isn’t happening, but even though she said before that she would be okay with the insinuations, it’s still best to check in at some point.

So, they end up on the dance floor, after a ‘Sounds good,’ from him. The dancing is not fancy, not truly, though it’s not club music either. It’s a bit of a mixture of both, and while some people truly bust out ballroom dancing, some are also just swaying around. It’s an odd mix, but one he’s more comfortable with. At least he can’t make a fool of himself this way by not truly knowing how to ballroom dance. Plus, if he were to do it with anyone, he’d really truly prefer it was with Henry, and that’s not a thing that’s going to happen.

‘How are you doing?’ Alex asks, not quite in a whispering tone, but low enough that it should be relatively private.

‘I’m good, Alex, truly. It’s not what I expected, but also at the same time it is? It’s weird.’ She frowns. ‘But I’m good. I’ll tell you if I need a moment, promise. Are you okay? You seemed a bit… tense, there, for a moment?’ 

Alex sighs. ‘Yeah. I’m fine. It was just that someone came to tell me how brave my coming out was and… It was unexpected.’ He needs to remind himself of the fact that Hannah doesn’t know the circumstances behind it all, but he figures this is as honest as he can get, and he doesn’t want to lie with how good a sport she’s been since he met her. She’s taken everything in stride, and he’s beyond grateful for that. The least he can do is at least be this honest about this entire shit show.

‘Ah, yes. I see where they come from, but I also can see how jarring it can be. Still, were they positive about it all?’ 

‘Yeah, they… she was great, really,’ Alex nods.

‘That’s brilliant, then, isn’t it? And it at least means that I don’t have to feel the need to like… make an accident happen, if you get what I mean. I have the feeling that June and Nora would definitely help me out there, and, well, we don’t need that, do we?’ She grins, keeps her voice teasing, and god, if that isn’t just what he needs.

‘Let’s not have you banned from the premises,’ Alex says. ‘I’d rather not deal with a scandal, and you don’t want to face an angry Zahra. She’s scary, but don’t tell her I said that.’ Hannah laughs.

‘And you don’t think she knows that already?’ she asks, the teasing tone still in her voice, laughter in her eyes.

‘I mean, probably. I won’t put it past her. But that doesn’t mean she needs to hear it as well. I’d never live it down.’ He pulls a face, Hannah snorts.

‘That’ll probably be something to see, but, I promise to behave, really. And if you say you’re good, I believe you. Just tell me if I need to rescue you from a situation. I’ve got your back.’ And isn’t that something? He knows, deep down, that he’s got June, Nora, possibly even Pez, and Henry, who have got his back. He isn’t as certain about the latter two, and he knows Pez would pick Henry every time if it was between the two of them, and, well, That’s okay. He won’t expect it to be otherwise and Henry deserves to have a person like him in his corner, when he’s got even less people in his life who support him like he deserves to be, and more people who actively work against him. But for Hannah to outright state that she’s got his back, even after only a month of knowing one another? Alex wants to cherish it, bottle it, revel in it, because it makes him feel a little less alone. Besides, Hannah is someone who’s got zero obligation towards him, and is still outright stating she’s there for him. It means more to him than he can possibly express, and definitely more than he’d even be comfortable expressing in public like this.

‘Thanks. I… thank you.’ She smiles like she understands what he’s trying to say regardless, and… isn’t that novel?

‘Still, though,’ he goes on. ‘Just to check in - if someone insinuates that, we, well, date. Would you deny it? Because it isn’t true? Or keep it vague by saying it’s none of their business? I know we’ve discussed it, but now that it’s here, I just wanted to check in?’ Hannah sighs, but it’s not out of annoyance. He can’t read what she’s thinking, but whatever it is, she gives it some serious thoughts, opening her mouth several times to start before she closes it, weighing her words.

‘I’m good with whatever, I promise,’ she says. ‘I’ll back your play. However, I stand by my opinion that we either should tell the truth, or keep it vague, and if we veer towards vague, that we should probably tell your sister and Nora too. I don’t think they’d say anything beyond that it’s your business and yours only, but then they at least won’t be surprised by any of it. Besides,’ she grins, ‘you said Zahra was scary, so maybe best not to get on her bad side if she has any idea as to what your stance is at the moment? I don’t think she’d appreciate any diversions now without her knowing, in any case. Not this close to the elections.’

‘She wouldn’t.’ Alex shakes his head. ‘She’d… well, she’d do stuff that I probably can’t say here,’ he says with a grin, even though he very much is afraid of what she’d do if he actually were to pull any of those things. ‘So, the truth, then?’ 

‘The truth.’ 

They dance for a bit longer, smiling as June and Nora both pass by with some kind of celebrity, before they go and get something to drink. Pez is continually switching from one person to the next, either talking to them, or taking them for a spin on the floor, dancing like he wouldn’t be out of place between several professionals on a ballroom floor. Alex can’t say he’s surprised about this; Pez is a man of many talents. 

Henry also seems to dance, occasionally, not just a spin with both June and Nora, even if he also takes Hannah for a turn, but just as often, he can be found on the side, glass of champagne in hand, talking with another high-ranking politician or royal, or even a-list celebrity. Alex can see his press-face, though, hates that he can still make it out, but he’s also glad that he seems to let it go somewhat when he’s around either of them. Still, he can also feel that Henry’s eyes are on him quite often, but he doesn’t know why. He refuses to look at him, find out if it’s out of worry, or something else, but it’s getting under his skin no matter what.

After a while, it all seems to get a bit… much. He’s danced some more, true, talked with quite a lot of people and didn’t cause a scandal, though nobody approached him about his coming out any more either, nor did anyone ask if he and Hannah were dating. That’s great, truly, because at least he doesn’t get put on the spot and can actually have a conversation without freezing or freaking out again, but he also can’t get rid of Henry’s gaze, and he just needs to get out of there for a second, if only to catch his bearing. 

‘I’m going to head to the loo for a moment, you’ll be okay?’ he asks Hannah. He knows she’ll be, but he feels like he at least has to inform her of this too, so she knows where he is, if anything.

‘I’ll be fine. I’ll go join June and Nora for a bit, so you know where to find me, okay?’ Alex smiles, nods, before they each go their separate directions.

Henry is… worried. Has been all evening, if he’s honest with himself, maybe for even longer but… Alex doesn’t seem to be himself. Not really. It’s not like Henry can blame him, not really, for he’s well aware of the fact that he’s probably a large factor into it all. He was, after all, the one to send Alex away, and while he still stands by it, still, without a doubt, believes that he did the right thing, he is also very much aware of the fact that one does not get over someone you love that easily. 

Even still… they agreed to remain friends. Alex has been nothing but friendly, true, even cracking a joke here and there, making it feel like it could be the way it all was, before they got together. There is, however, also a part of him who closes himself off just as quickly, hiding behind a facade even Henry doesn’t really know how to read. It makes him wonder if he’s moving too fast, trying too hard to be friendly, maintain conversation. Sure, he’s terrified of completely losing Alex, even if it’d be his own doing, but he’s also aware that he just might need more time. It’s a fine line that Henry is unsure how to dance to. It’s maddening.

And then there is Hannah. Henry doesn’t know if Hannah is just a friend, but the fact that Alex brought her here despite him never having heard of her before tonight, screams girlfriend. It stings, but then, he just wanted Alex to be happy and this was bound to happen at some point.

He just didn’t expect it to happen this fast.

Obviously he might be jumping to conclusions here. That’s certainly within the realm of possibilities. Still, if she’s just a friend, he doesn’t seem to come up with any other reason for her to be there. That’s probably also just as well - whatever the reason is, it’ll probably either make him worry more, or shred whatever is left of his heart. It’s a delicate balance.

At least the evening itself has gone well so far, he muses, as he walks towards the bathroom to have a break for a moment. Pez can handle himself, after all, and he hasn’t seen Hannah or Alex in a while, so it’s just as well that he just takes this moment to collect himself. It’s still a while to go before he can make his leave after all.

As soon as he pushes open the bathroom door, it’s clear that he isn’t alone. The bathroom isn’t busy, just one other person in the room as far as he can see, washing his hands in the sink, but it’s the one person he hadn’t expected to see, and the one person he hasn’t been alone in a room with since he left his Kensington bedroom.

Alex seems just as startled to see him, tensing up and throwing up walls that seemed to have been down before he arrived. It bothers him, if he’s honest, but he also can’t do anything about it. He was the one to send Alex away, and if he still needs time to process it all in a way that’s necessary for him, then he isn’t going to push. He meant it when he said he wanted to be friends, still, even if it shatters his own heart, but he’s selfish enough to want every scrap of Alex that he’s willing to give, and he isn’t going to push him away by expecting things he’s not able to give. It has to be at Alex’ pace, or not at all, and he’s not prepared for the not at all in the slightest. It would break him beyond repair, he’s certain.

‘I could come back, if you want?’ he offers. It’s maybe a stupid thing to suggest - two men can occupy the same bathroom, after all, but he keeps reminding himself of the fact that he has to give Alex space. He deserves as much.

‘No, it’s… I was just about done, anyway.’ The words Alex says come out stilted, as if he isn’t sure about what he wants, or needs, or maybe is afraid to ask. The smile he sends him doesn’t reach his brown eyes either, and it hurts, wishing he could see his real smile. He doesn’t know how to get it back, though, beyond trying to give Alex time. It’s all he can do, for he doesn’t know which other approach to take.

Henry nods, walks into the bathroom, and shuts the door behind him. For some reason, the sound of the door closing seems like some sort of finality. A point of no return. He doesn’t know why, not really, especially because he’s expecting Alex to just walk out, even if it’s only to override the thoughts of the last time they were in a room together, alone. Paint something new over it, build a new wall in front of it, something, anything. It’s what he’d do if the roles were reversed, or, so he likes to think, anyway. But he can’t think for Alex, and what applies to himself, might not apply to the man in front of him.

‘Hannah… she seems nice,’ he offers, trying to break the silence. Maybe he should have left it for what it was, gone ahead with his business and left Alex to go back to the party. ‘Good for you, really,’ he continues on, however, as if his mouth has a will of its own. ‘I’m… I’m glad you found someone like her. You deserve it.’ He does, really. She seems like the perfect foil for him, not bothered by the fame, or the glory, entirely herself, but also someone who would put Alex in his place if the situation called for it. Entirely what he needs.

‘Thanks. She’s great… I… wait.’ Alex tenses from where he’s drying his hands, before turning around to face Henry, a frown on his face. 

‘She’s… Are you suggesting she’s my girlfriend?’ Alex asks. Henry frowns. He did think they were dating, or, at least, assumed it, based on the fact that she tagged along as Alex’ plus one tonight, and the way they’ve been acting around each other. He’d just assumed they weren’t much for PDA. But…

‘Is she not?’ he asks. Henry is not sure whether he wants to know, but on the other hand… it would also make him feel slightly better to know that Alex hadn’t moved on, not yet, even if that thought made him feel sick again, because all he wanted was for Alex to be happy.

‘No?’ The look on his face is incredulous, as if he’s offended and Henry, really, truly, doesn’t know what to think about that. Not that he’s given much chance - Alex just barrels straight on.

‘Seriously, Henry, it’s been a month and a half . Did you seriously think…?’ He shakes his head, runs a hand through his hair, agitated, hurt, angry. ‘I can’t believe… If you seriously think that I would be dating again already, let alone bring said partner with me to an event I knew you’d be at… I wouldn’t do that, couldn’t do that. It’s… Jesus Christ, H, I don’t…’

Henry tries to stamp down the relief he feels about Alex admitting he’s not dating anyone, because he has no right to it. Whoever Alex does or does not date - it’s not up to him, any more. The fact that Alex is stunned by the idea alone that he expected him to be dating, to be doing exactly that, throws him, however. After all, wasn’t this the entire point? To set Alex free? Okay, he fought for the both of them, told Henry he loved him, but with the way Henry treated Alex… surely it wouldn’t take that long to get over him? Henry wasn’t that special.

‘I wouldn’t have been offended, really,’ Henry says. It’s the truth. He would’ve been hurt, yes, but not offended. Alex always had deserved more than Henry had been able to give him, so what would give him reason to be offended?

‘You wouldn’t…’ Alex shakes his head again, lets out an incredulous laugh. ‘You… Fucking hell, Henry, you understand how that’s even worse, right?’ 

And that was the thing, he didn’t. He truly didn’t. Was it so bad that he expected Alex to have moved on? He’d hurt him badly, left him in the middle of the night with just a note, told him to leave when he came to fight, slept with him anyway, and then kicked him out after all that? He was a terrible person, so how was it even worse? He didn’t understand.

‘But it’s… Alex, it’s been a month and a half . I hurt you. Surely you can’t mean…’ 

‘Why not?’ Alex asks, coming closer to him. ‘Do you really, honestly, believe you’re that easy to get over?’ It’s vulnerable, more vulnerable than Henry has seen him in a while, but it’s also genuine, hurt, raw.

‘Yes! I’m not special, Alex. I may be a prince, but that’s all I am. You know that!’ Alex scoffs.

‘I don’t know what you want me to tell you,’ Alex says, throwing those walls back up again, though not as high as they’d had been earlier. ‘Honestly, though, do you mean to tell me that, because it’s been a month and a half, you’ve moved on from me?’ 

‘I…’ He can’t say it. He refuses to say it. Henry knows very well that he’ll probably never move on from Alex Claremont-Diaz, but he’s made his peace with that. But to tell him that? To hurt him even more? He also can’t do that. But he can’t lie either. Whatever he says, Alex’ll end up hurt.

Whatever might have been said, however, gets lost as they stare at each other, chests heaving, hurt, anger, longing, love radiating between them, Alex having lost his grip on the walls once again. Henry doesn’t know what’s about to happen, knows he should back away, let Alex leave the bathroom. Hell, duck into a stall himself, flee the situation the best he can. His feet are rooted to the floor, however, and so seem Alex’, until, suddenly, they’re not.

Henry’s back gets slammed against the door, Alex’ mouth on his, one of his hands on his chest and the other cupping his cheek. His own hands aren't that much better, one clutching at Alex’ curls, the other curled around his waist, tugging him closer. The kiss is heated, punishing, biting, as if they’re channeling all the hurt and longing into it, both of them wanting to get closer to the other, taking as much as they can. It’s glorious, it’s everything, and he doesn’t want it to stop, not again, not ever again, and -

‘I can’t do this.’ Alex’s words come out shakily, chest heaving with the effort of gulping in air, and he refuses to meet Henry’s eyes even as he wrenches himself away from where he’d been in Henry’s arms just now. Henry can’t be certain whether he’s glad about this or not, for while he wants to see what’s going on in his mind, he’s also well aware of the fact that he’s not ready to deal with whatever it is. His own mind is reeling as it is, trying to catch up and make sense of all the emotions swirling through his head. The elation of having had Alex in his arms again, mouth upon his, just a moment ago. The sheer heartbreak of knowing this could have very well been the last time they’d ever do this. The guilt of knowing full well that this was his own fault.

‘I’m so-’ Henry starts to apologise, even if he isn’t sure which of them was the one to initiate the kiss as it was. It could well have been both of them.

‘Don’t. ’ Alex basically snarls the word at him. ‘Please , don’t,’ he continues, voice small, at the verge of breaking. ‘I don’t want to hear it.’ And then, even smaller: ‘I can’t hear it. Not again.’

The thing is, Henry has heard Alex begging multiple times. Still, none of those times, not even when Alex had stormed Kensington, fighting for the both of them, compares to how it sounds now. How those words convey so much more, all the words Alex is leaving unsaid reverberating in his head as loud as if he’d shouted them.

Please don’t apologise for it, because I can’t deal with knowing you regret this, regret me.

Please don’t apologise for it, because if you don’t regret this, I can’t deal with knowing that, no matter how much you want me, love me, it’s still not enough for you to choose us, to choose me . That, no matter how hard I fucking try and fight and believe for us both, I’m still not good enough.

And, the worst of them all:

I can’t hear you say it, can’t hear you say it was a mistake. Not again. Not ever again.

‘I… I just… I need to get out of here. Please don’t come looking for me.’ Alex shakes his head, risking one glance at Henry, and whatever Alex reads on Henry’s face, it’s enough for him to choke on his breath before he flees the room they’d found themselves in, clearly fending off tears or even an impending panic attack or both. Henry wants to cry, scream, run after him and hold him close while ensuring him that he’s here and all will be okay. 

But he can’t do that, because it’d all be a lie, and he won’t be shattering Alex’ heart even further than he has already done so, even if it means he’s shredding his own into even tinier pieces than he ever thought was possible. 

So he lets the door fall close behind Alex, the sound reverberating through the bathroom, seemingly amplified and at the same time way more final than he ever thought the closing of a door could be, especially after Alex left the last time. The pain that washes over him is somehow worse than it was before, laced with the knowledge that a month wasn’t enough for Alex to get over him, that Alex seemed offended at the thought that he himself wouldn’t have been offended had he succeeded. That he was still hurt, broken, but also more so than Henry thought he’d be. His words laced with more meaning than he thought possible, like it hurt him in ways Henry couldn’t even comprehend. There was more behind it all, and it scared the hell out of him, if he was honest with himself. Sure, he knew Alex had dealt with things in his youth, but…

No. He couldn’t think of it, not right now, not when they had a game to keep playing, a front to maintain. If he was going to mull it all over, it would be later, in the comfort of his own bedroom, as much of a comfort that actually was. Still, now was not the time, and no matter how much he still wanted to go after Alex, he knew he had to respect his wishes, and count on the fact that he had June, and Nora, and Hannah with him today. He would be fine. He had to be fine.

Henry takes a deep breath, goes about his business, before washing his hands and taking another deep breath as he gives himself a one-over in the mirror. He fixes the strands of hair that were slightly out of place by Alex’ mussing the best he could, even if he’d rather have it stay the way it was, but he couldn’t do it. He had to pretend like nothing happened at all, and would not even risk incriminating Alex. It was all a precarious enough situation as it was.

Henry left the room once he was satisfied with it all, and could at least fool himself into thinking he actually looked quite put together, like nothing happened at all. He wasn’t sure whether he’d escape notice, certainly not from Pez, but that would all depend on how Alex was coping and which story he decided to tell. Henry would not blame him if he’d entirely placed the blame upon him, in any case. It would be what he deserved.

‘You okay, mate?’ Pez asks, the second Henry rejoins him. He can’t see Alex nor Hannah, and June and Nora were nowhere to be found either. Maybe it was for the best, really, especially if they all left.

‘I’m fine,’ he answers. Pez gives a noncommittal hum, clear that the matter isn’t being let go, just parked, for now. 

‘Just as fine as Alex, or?’ Or. Clearly not. While Henry is certain that Pez won’t pester him for all the details now, he knows they will be dragged out of him the second they’re holed up in the privacy of his bedroom. Still, this is a bit more than he’d like while out in public.

‘I don’t know,’ he honestly says. ‘That would rather depend on how he’s currently doing, and I don’t see him.’ Pez hums again, before inclining his head towards a group of people. Alex seems to be in the middle of it, Hannah at his side, press-smile on and charm dialed up to a level Henry has never got to witness in public, not to this extent, anyway. It makes him worry even more about Alex, wonder how much he’s stamping down in order to maintain his persona, how much he’s putting others before himself, even now, when he’s got every reason not to. Though, that’s probably not true either, not with the looming elections. He put so much work into them after all, that Henry rather fears he might shatter if he loses it all.

‘That’s what I thought,’ Pez says. Henry frowns, doesn’t recall saying anything, but the look Pez gives him tells him enough. He hadn’t said a word, but he didn’t need to. It was plain enough to see for everyone who knew where to look.

‘Come on, let’s go mingle, have some fun,’ Pez continues, like nothing is amiss. ‘It’s not even close to the time where we can make our fashionable exit, so let’s make the most of it. Lots of people to see, lots of dancing to do.’ With that he’s dragged along before he even knows what’s happening, though, really, that’s the norm with Pez. He should’ve expected it.

They manage to have some fun, though Henry can’t help but glance at Alex every once in a while. His countenance doesn’t change much, keeps on dialing up that charm, flashing that press-smile and staying close to Hannah. June and Nora also keep close to him, though they do drift out from time to time, dancing with Pez. Henry isn’t aware of what they talk about, but with the glances that are shot both in his and Alex’ direction, it can’t be much good.

Eventually though, right as Henry starts to think that it might slowly be getting time to head out, so that he can finally distance himself and actually drink some more while he ruminates on what happened earlier tonight, it’s June who shows up at his side.

‘I’m aware that this is probably breaking protocol, but I need you to ask me to dance with you,’ she whispers, once she’s close enough and certain she won’t be overheard by anyone. She’s not wrong, it does break protocol, but Henry finds that he doesn’t mind much, even if he is instantly wary about the reasoning behind it all. June is an elder sister after all, and there is no way that Henry isn’t going to come out unscathed. He deserves it though. What he does, however, is shoot her a tiny hint of a smile, before turning towards her.

‘May I have this dance?’ he asks her, holding out his hand for her to grasp, which she does, instantly. Henry leads her over to the dancefloor, but says nothing, assuming June would want to start up the conversation. He’s not wrong.

‘So, if I were to ask you to stop worrying about him, it would be futile, right?’ June asks, diving right in.

‘Yes,’ he answers, honestly, with zero hesitation. ‘I’ll always worry about him, even if I suspect he wouldn’t accept my worrying over him, or, at least, not anymore.’ He still sends June a smile, but it’s a sad one. He’s not about to go and conceal his emotions from her, his feelings. Even if he can’t express them to Alex, and is certain they won’t be accepted, he still refuses to lie to those who are willing to hear him out, and have Alex’ best interest at heart.

‘Hmm,’ June says. ‘And would asking you what happened result in an answer?’ 

‘What did Alex tell you?’ he asks instead. It’s not an answer, not really, not yet. But while he suspects June knows at least some of it, he refuses to tell her anything more than what Alex told her. Whatever Alex might do - Henry refuses to betray his confidence. He’ll incriminate himself if he must, has no objections in doing so, but he will not go beyond what June already knows.

‘About just now or in general?’ June parrots back, clearly unwilling to give up much either. But that’s okay, Henry expected that.

‘Whichever.’ He’s not picky. True, he’d rather not have this conversation at all, but it was inevitable from the moment he decided to break things off. Best to have it be over with.

‘About just now… nothing, really. Said he didn’t want to talk about it. About the rest… More or less that it’s over. That it had been a mistake and love wouldn’t do it. He didn’t elaborate much.’ Henry sighed, the corner of his mouth pinching. He refused to break June’s gaze however, no matter how scathing it might be. He knew he deserved all of it and more. But still… did this imply that Alex thought he’d meant that it had all been a mistake?

‘Ah,’ Henry says, trying to find the words he wants to say. It’s not easy, but he also knows he can’t take too long and give it the time it probably needs. ‘I would say that this is mostly true,’ Henry goes on. ‘Which is not to say that he lied, or intended to do so, but I somehow fear there might have been some misunderstanding, unless I am completely misunderstanding you.’ He sighs, and continues to search for the words.

‘It is true that it’s over. I did also say that love isn’t enough. The mistake part, however…’ He looks down for a moment, shaking his head, before meeting June’s eyes once again.

‘While there are some parts that I think might have been a mistake, I do not regret them happening. There’s nothing… That is to say… the only reason why I think it might have been a mistake, is only because I know now what I had to give up, and I wonder if either of us would have been better off had it not happened, if only to save us from more heartbreak. You must understand - I wish it could have been different. I wish I could be the person everyone needs me to be, including him. But no matter how much… It’s just not feasible. And I refuse to be the person who holds him back purely because I’m selfish, especially if it means that in doing so, I avoid hurting him even more than what’s happening right now.’

June frowns as she considers his words, and, well, Henry can’t do anything but let her do so. He’d give her as long as she needs, especially when he knows she’s got her brother’s best interests at heart, would do anything to protect him. He can’t get angry at that, won’t get angry at that, and if, after this, she still decides to be angry at him for it all, he’d also take that. He deserves it, after all.

‘You care for him, don’t you?’ is what she ends up asking instead. Henry smiles, though he knows it’s a sad one, and nods.

‘How could I not?’ He doesn’t lie to her, won’t lie to her. All he can do is incriminate himself and try to protect Alex, even though he doubts that admitting this will do much in terms of protecting him. Still, June has to know. He won’t have her think otherwise.

‘Hmm,’ June nods, as if she’s still considering it all. He doesn’t blame her. ‘Mind you, I’m still angry at you.’ It’s unnecessary to add, really, but he nods anyway, takes it. He can deal with it, even if it hurts, if only because it means Alex has the support he so desperately needs. Or… desperately. Somehow Henry hopes it isn’t desperately, but, also, considering his reaction just now, he fears that it is at this moment, at least, an accurate thing. 

‘I wouldn’t expect anything else from you,’ he says. It isn’t judgment, not at all. June doesn’t seem to be taking it as such either, just looks at him calculatingly, fitting it all together.

‘Good,’ she says. ‘Still… I think I understand it a bit better now. That doesn’t mean you’re off the hook, but… it answers things.’ Henry doesn’t ask what the questions are, figures it’s none of his business, even if he would answer any and all shot his way as long as it isn’t information Alex clearly doesn’t want to share. Regardless, if it helped somewhat, even if someone else got a clearer picture of how it all went down, he’d take it. Maybe Alex misunderstood things, maybe he didn’t , but maybe it could provide him with some clarity if he needs anything, from someone with a less… biased opinion. At least when it comes to him.

‘I have no right to ask you this,’ Henry begins hesitantly, June’s eyes instantly narrowing at the fact that he even has the audacity to start a question like this. Again, he doesn’t blame her. ‘And I know that this… It’s on me, really. I know. But…’ For someone so good with words, or so he feels, he feels incredibly out of depth at this point in time. Wishes he had more time to construe them all, instead of the time that’s getting really rather limited.

‘Just… I want him to be happy, I do, and I know you’ll look after him but… I need him to know that this isn’t on him. It never was, never will be, and I’m not sure if he’s willing or able to hear it but, when he is… Just… Make sure he believes it?’ It’s a bold thing to ask, but he knows that he had done something wrong which caused Alex to react like he did in the bathroom earlier. He didn’t know what he did wrong, other than kissing him, obviously, whether it was something he said or… Still, Alex’ words are haunting him and he can’t feel anything but worried that he blames himself, somehow. And he won’t have that, not if he has a way to potentially stop it.

‘I won’t promise you that,’ June says. ‘If only because it’s not on me to make that right. It’s up to you, and it’s up to Alex when and if he’s willing to listen.’ Her look is fierce.

‘Thank you for the dance, Your Royal Highness.’ June detracts herself from him the moment he lets go of her. He knew the dance was coming to an end soon, but it still leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. He doesn’t have any right to complain, he knows that, but he also has never felt more helpless than he did at her last words. He nods to her in acknowledgement as she spares him one more glance and then makes her way back to her brother, and it’s all he can do to not look after her, and see the alarmed look in Alex’ eyes, bordering on panic, as he glances from June to him and back. Hannah seems to be doing an admirable job of keeping him calm and steady, and while he barely knows her, he’s at least grateful that she seems to be doing so much for him already, despite them not having known each other for long. Or, so he assumes anyway, considering he’d never heard from her prior.

He does feel jealous too, but he stomps that down, because he has no reason to. He was the one who severed all ties, broke things off, put the wedge between them, which he somehow needs to cross himself in order to make Alex feel like it wasn’t his fault at all. But he doesn’t know how, not when he knows it’d probably cause Alex even more distress, not when he knows that it would probably pain him, that he’d have to drive it all even further home. He doesn’t want to do that, doesn’t want him to cause more misery, doesn’t want Alex to feel even smaller and worse even if he feels like this might somehow fix it, even a little bit.

It would hurt too much, no matter what he’d choose, no matter what he’d pick, and he doesn’t know what to do. He does know it’s probably for the best to leave this venue as soon as possible, lest there be any rumours about a rift between them. They would be true enough, but he also doesn’t want that to happen, not when it could probably hurt the entire election, not when there is so much at stake. He won’t ruin another thing for Alex. He will keep his distance, let him get better on his own time. It’s all he can do right now. 

With a sigh he turns around, avoids Alex and his entourage as he tries to find his own. Of course he does get stopped on the way— several times, in fact— before he finds them and makes his desire to leave known. Yet, when he looks around, it seems that Alex and his entourage have seemingly left too. He knows he doesn’t deserve a goodbye, wasn’t expecting it, hopes it was for entirely different reasons than just to escape the room Henry was in too.  He has to hold on to a sparkle of hope, that maybe he didn’t entirely fuck things up beyond belief, but it’s a difficult thing to do. Not when he knows that they probably did, especially after Alex’ reaction, June’s interrogation.

But it’s fine. It’s all fine. If he has to endure this every time now, if he has to shoulder the pain and the weight and feel like he’s going to be crushed and shredded to pieces until there’s barely anything left of him, then he will, especially if Alex moves on. Alex’ happiness will be worth it, a million times over, and he’d hurt himself over and over again if it means it’s ensured. He just has to believe he’ll get there, but, honestly, he has no doubt of that. Not with how vibrant Alex is. Not when he knows how much Alex has to give. It has to end up going somewhere, and he can deal with knowing it’s not him. 

That, after all, was a thing he’s always known. It was inevitable.

He would never have been allowed to keep Alex anyway.

It was never his choice to make.

Chapter Text

‘Henry, so nice of you to join us.’ Henry keeps himself from flinching at the words as he enters the room, but only just. This meeting with his grandmother and brother was the last thing on his list of things he wanted to do, and he doubted anything good would be coming from it. The fact that he doesn’t know what this is all about isn’t helping much either, and it’s all he can do to stop himself from twisting his signet ring around his finger, as he nods at his grandmother and brother in greeting.

‘Grandmother, Philip,’ he says, as he takes a seat. The look on his grandmother’s face is hardly a pleasant one, but then again, it never is, and even if he wracks his brain, he can’t think of anything he might have done to deserve such a look levelled at him. Other than existing, then, and being gay, but, well, he asked for neither to happen, and thus he can hardly deem it his fault, even if his grandmother seems to do. Still, he must have done something to warrant a meeting, especially with the both of them, but, well, he did what he had to do, he kept low, didn’t attract unwanted press attention, he broke things off with Alex , for Christ sakes, kept contact to a minimum, even if it wasn’t really choice and more necessity, for he damn well knew he had overstepped at the gala a few weeks earlier. The kiss might still haunt his dreams, the clear panic and terror on Alex’ face his nightmares, but that’s his burden to carry. He can only hope Alex is better off - even if he seemed to be doing just fine in every video and picture Henry had managed to get his hands on ever since the encounter. It’s the only thing that’s keeping him upright, even if it’s shattering his heart over and over again at the same time.

‘Now that you’re finally here,’ his grandmother says, disapproval lacing her tone, ‘we can begin. I presume you’re aware of what this meeting is all about?’ She looks at him straight, mouth pinched at the corners. Henry keeps his posture straight, tries not to let his fingers dig into the meat of his hand, and instead busies himself with making himself a cup of tea, for it was clear none was going to be offered to him. It might not help when it comes to the approval of either of the people in front of him, but it at least keeps him busy enough.

‘I actually am not,’ Henry answers, truthfully. He really doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into here, but he’s also not going to lie about it all. Best to be honest about it. On the other hand… maybe not, not when Philip’s sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose as he slowly shakes his head, and the mouth of his grandmother pinches even more despite her tutting in disapproval. It’s a talent, honestly. Henry might admire it, if only he cared more about it all, and if only it didn’t make him feel even smaller and more alone than he already feels. He wishes Bea were here, but unfortunately she’s been sent out to do something for the Crown. Not that she’d been allowed in even if she had been around. It’s a pity, but maybe also best to remain realistic. Hope and wishing hasn’t ever worked out for him anyway.

‘It would serve you well to come to meetings updated, Henry,’ his grandmother says, while Philip continues to remain silent. The look in his eyes tells him he agrees with Mary, however, not that Henry expected anything different. Henry bites the inside of his cheek to keep the words threatening to fall out inside, for he would have been updated about it all if he’d actually been informed as to what it was all about. As it is, all he got told was that there was a meeting, without any details as to who was going to be present or what the topic was. Still, it won’t help to point out the mistake, if it even had been a mistake, which he doubts it was, and so he swallows the words and replaces them with others.

‘I shall do my best to better myself at this.’ The words feel wrong in his mouth, when he knows he’s done nothing wrong, but at least the answer seems to satisfy her somewhat, for she nods. ‘See that you do.’ He breathes a bit more easily at that, but he knows that the battle is far from over, and so he steels himself for what is to come. He holds the cup of tea in both hands, letting the warmth of it soothe him, as he waits for his mother or Philip to break the silence. As it is, he doesn’t even know what Philip is doing here in the first place, but it can’t be good. Still, all he can do is wait, and so he does, until his grandmother deems it worthy of her time to speak to him again.

‘As it is,’ Mary finally starts. ‘We’re here to talk about your commitment to the crown.’ Henry frowns. Had he not been committed? He had been going to whatever they threw in his path, regardless of how he felt, regardless of how it drained him of what little energy he had. He’d straightened his back, soldiered on, getting more and more tired with each day that passed, but still unable to sleep. That is, if he managed to sleep, it wasn’t restful in any case, for Alex occupied his nights still, resulting in him waking up with a face and pillow wet from tears, leaving him more tired and weary than when he wouldn’t have slept at all. What on earth was wrong with his commitment? It couldn’t be that he’d be commended on it, not with the both of them here, and him without any support.

‘My commitment?’ Henry asks, because he has to know. He still refuses to believe that this conversation will hold anything positive. If anything, he expects them to want him to ramp it up. Do more trips, more visits, more ribbon cuttings, more… whatever they want him to do. It’s not that he would be opposed per se, especially if it means he can keep himself occupied enough that it would distract him from everything that would remind him of Alex. It could be a blessing in disguise, really.

‘Yes, your commitment. Honestly, Henry, we let you do that… education you wanted to do, though I frankly still do not understand what you intend to do with such a useless degree, but in return? Nothing of note. Instead, there was an international scandal with that boy , which also distracted you from your duties. Really, Henry, you must realise that things have to change now, don’t you? It’s truly time you follow the traditional path, as is your duty.’ Henry’s hands have tensed around the cup of tea he’s still holding, fingers gone all white from the strength with which he holds the delicate china. It’s one thing that she’d make a comment about the studies he did. He expected it, really. But the disgust with which she mentioned Alex, a man who shines so brightly, is so inherently good and so much better than most of his family combined hurts. He knew they wouldn’t love Alex, didn’t expect it, even. He’s also well aware of the fact that they’re not aware of the nature of his relationship with Alex, or, at least, what the nature of it used to be. He doesn’t want them to find out, keep this one bit for himself as much as he can. Hold it close to his chest and never let it go, even if it’s just memories he could never hope to increase, for he gave it all up, letting it, him, slip through his fingers so he could go and be the best version of himself he could be, without Henry holding him back. And so it takes him everything to keep his voice level, void of any emotion, as he responds.

‘The traditional path,’ he replies. ‘So that would mean… what, exactly? The military? Because I hardly think I would be of any use to them.’ It’s a bold move, and if Philip’s eye twitching and the pinching of Mary’s mouth is any indication, he’s made a grave error.

‘Would it kill you, Henry, to follow the traditional path for once, and not bring this family any more disgrace?’ Philip asks. Henry flinches at that, but it gets ignored by both his grandmother and his brother. Instead, the queen holds up a hand as if to silence Philip, but she makes no move to disagree with him either.

‘It would be beneficial to you, Henry. Maybe finally make you more into the man you’re meant to be. I would be prepared to let the military slide… as it were… if you’d finally enter a courtship with a respectable woman, marry her, and produce heirs, as is also your duty, but considering the fact that you are rather… steadfast in your belief that your disgusting proclivities aren’t merely a phase, I would indeed suggest that the military is your only choice. Would you disagree?’ 

Henry pales as his thoughts are racing. Meanwhile, Philip’s eyebrows have shot up and a look of disgust graces his features.

‘Surely she doesn’t mean what I expect she means, Henry?’ he asks. Henry sighs, ponders denying it for a moment, but, well, with his grandmother present, who is very aware of the fact that he is gay, he sees no way around it.

‘You mean the fact that I am very, deeply gay, Philip? Because if that’s what you think she means, you would be entirely correct.’ He wishes he felt relief upon saying the words, but instead it’s more defeat. He isn’t ashamed of being gay, far from it, but it’s one thing to come out when you want to, especially to the people you trust, than to come out to the people who are meant to have your back and instead choose to bring you down even further.

‘Honestly, Henry,’ he bursts out, a vein on his head throbbing as his face reddens in anger and… shame? Henry can’t quite make it out, and he wishes he expected better from his brother. As it is, the reaction to it still stings, as it always does, and not for the first time he wishes he was back to the time that they were both just boys and actually had a decent relationship instead of… whatever this is now.

‘Of all the things!’ Philip continues. ‘Is there anything you could honestly do right, for once? The constant shame you bring upon us, the charities you want to support, the education, not wanting to go into the military, and now this? Is it so hard to follow the right path? Honestly, the constant disrespect of the legacy, our family… obviously you’re confused, misguided. It can’t be anything else. I doubt the friendship with that … man has helped either, considering where he’s from, and now he’s proudly stating he’s… what… also attracted to men? Total bollocks, if you ask me. It would be prudent if you stayed away from him, Henry. Honestly, I can only imagine how ashamed father would have been if he saw you now.’

This time Henry does flinch. The tea in his cup sloshes over his hand, but despite the liquid still being hot, he doesn’t register it at all. Instead, his ears are ringing, eyes stinging, and he goes a very deathly pale. It’s only his royal training kicking in that prevents him from actually breaking down in front of his brother and grandmother, that allows his posture to go ramrod straight, and prevents him from making any sound, even if he visibly swallows around a huge lump in his throat. For a moment he thinks he can see Philip look the tiniest bit guilty, but he quickly brushes that off, for it’s as gone as quickly as it seemed to appear, and his sight is clouded by a sheen of tears that won’t fall as it is. The words keep reverberating through his head, and it takes him a lot of effort to focus on the meeting, but focus he must, especially considering his grandmother nods at Philip’s words and chooses to bulldoze on, as she is wont to do.

‘Henry?’ she prompts, clearly impatient and wanting a response from him. Henry wets his lips, his thoughts racing but keep getting stuck on the words that Philip said. Still, he has to say something, so he takes a deep, shuddering breath, before lifting his eyes to his grandmother.

‘If I agree to marriage,’ he begins, slowly, keeping his voice as level as he’s able to at this moment. He’s not sure if he succeeds, but he goes on anyway. ‘You’d promise me that the military would be entirely off the table?’ He doesn’t want either, but he’s not delusional enough to think that the military would get him out of a wedding. That is, unless he manages to not survive a military outing, but he’s also aware enough that they would probably keep him out of the thick of it as much as they can. He’s the spare, after all. Besides, letting it slide is one thing, but if he can get a promise out of her that she won’t get back on her word then… maybe marriage is the best option for him. He still doesn’t like it, won’t ever like it, but that’s his lot in life, isn’t it? He doesn’t have a choice, not ever. It’s always a matter of picking the lesser of the two evils. Happiness isn’t in the cards for him.

‘Yes,’ Mary says. ‘I just said that, didn’t I? Please do keep up and pay attention. I only have your best interest at heart. I’m doing this for you.’ Henry nods, swallows, apologises, even if he doesn’t mean a word of it, because he very well knows none of the words his grandmother is saying about having his best interests at heart are true either. Philip stares at him like he didn’t expect Henry to agree to marriage, but it also isn’t entirely disapproval anymore. Henry tries to care about that, but he finds himself unable to, still trying to swallow around the lump in his throat, and only vaguely becoming aware of the throbbing in his hand where the tea burned his skin.

‘Then that’s what I’ll do,’ he says. The words are hollow, and he barely gets them past his lips, but that hardly matters. His grandmother nods, satisfied, while the lump in his throat only seems to be getting bigger. He won’t give them the satisfaction of seeing him more out of sorts than they’ve already seen them today, however, and so he holds on to his composure with everything he has, fingernails digging in, in a desperate attempt to not let go.

‘Hmm,’ Mary says, as she looks him over contemplatively, a hint of surprise clear on her face. ‘Maybe you won’t be so hopeless after all.’ Henry just nods, swallows, ignores the agreeing nod Philip gives and just keeps trying to hold on. It’s difficult, with bile rising up his throat, the feeling of loneliness, worthlessness, inadequateness threatening to overwhelm him. The voice in his head, that was a lot more quiet whenever Alex was around, even if it hadn’t left, louder than ever, screaming at him that he has to see, realise, that he’s not allowed to be happy, to be himself. As if he wasn’t aware of that already. But he manages, is managing, like he always does, because there is no other choice.

He does zone out of most of the rest of the meeting, however. Henry doesn’t plan to, can honestly say that he tries to pay attention, just in case whatever luxury he’s been provided in the way of avoiding military service gets taken away from him again. Mary might have promised, but he trusts her as far as the next person, and until it’s actually specifically written down somewhere and saved and can’t be disputed at any other time, he won’t believe it’s true. He still fails, however. He just hopes he didn’t actually agree to anything else and was merely acknowledging timelines and the fact that he’d receive a folder with candidates to choose from soon.

Mary is, somehow, the first out the door when the meeting ends. It’s not even because she’s the queen and above them all, even though it kind of is, but it’s mainly because Henry doesn’t seem to be able to properly move his chair backwards and somehow gets stuck on the rug beneath it. It’s probably a sign of how tired and defeated he feels, and this, frankly, doesn’t quite help matters, but at least he is away from his grandmother’s disapproving glance. Just not from Philip’s which is a pity.

Philip, however, seems to have found a scrap of decency in him, for he actually helps him with his chair. Henry tries very much not to stare at the display, is also not quite succeeding in that, but before he can even murmur a thanks, Philip speaks.

‘You made the right choice for you, today,’ he says, like it’s actually a compliment. ‘I knew you would see reason.’ Henry simply stares at him.

‘Did I?’ Henry asks, voice flat, as he looks at his brother. To his credit, Philip frowns, but Henry doesn’t know why. Maybe it’s because he questions him, maybe because Philip thinks he actually doubts it, or maybe it’s because Henry feels so numb he’s pretty sure his gaze is just how he feels: empty.

‘You’re hurt,’ Philip continues, however, reaching to examine his hand. Henry snatches it away, however, ignores the stinging sensation, before he backs away from his brother, finally freed from this chair.

‘Oh, am I ?’ This time it comes out more hurt, frustrated, defeated. He doesn’t look at his brother for more than a moment, though, instead turning on his heel and fleeing the room, away from it all. The fact that Philip stares after him with a look like he can’t figure out what’s wrong, is something he doesn’t notice.

Shaan is waiting for him in the hallway outside the room, easily falling into step behind him as they make their way through the palace. Henry can feel Shaan’s gaze on him, but he ignores it, instead focussing on getting his emotions back under control.

‘Sir?’ Shaan asks. Henry closes his eyes, breathes out, refuses to turn around, but addresses Shaan all the same, though probably not in the way the man expects him to. Or maybe he does. Shaan knows him better than most people, can read him more easily than many others, so maybe he does see it coming.

‘Please tell me I have no further engagements today,’ Henry says, a tad desperately. He honestly cannot remember the itinerary for today, and if Shaan says there’s more engagement for later in the day he will accept it, and grin and bear it as best as he can, as always, but he also knows he’s strung tight and that the littlest thing will no doubt topple him over if he doesn’t get a modicum of rest.

‘No, sir,’ Shaan replies. ‘I have cleared your agenda for the rest of the day and tomorrow. I figured that even if the meeting didn’t take long, you could use the time off, especially with how busy you’ve been lately.’ Henry nods, nearly sags in relief, but manages to keep walking, still well aware of the staff being around, of word being able to get to Philip or, worse, his gran, if he loses composure right here. He’s not safe, not really, not until he’s in his own quarters.

‘Besides,’ Shaan continues. ‘With the elections in the United States today, a lot of eyes will be towards whatever happens there today.’ This makes Henry stop in his tracks, frown, turn around.

‘That’s today?’ he asks. He knew it was around this period, is well aware of the fact that the days are blurring together to a point he can hardly tell which day of the week it is, let alone the date, but the reminder that it is today, that he was so out of it that he didn’t even realise what was going on, overwhelms him with such a huge amount of guilt and heartbreak he truly doesn’t know what to do with it. Guilt because he was so in his head he hadn’t even stopped to think about the stress Alex must be going through, the tension, the fears. Heartbreak because he knows Alex would not let him be there for him, even if it was just to let out stress, insecurities. Henry doesn’t blame him, not at all, knows he brought it on himself, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.

‘Yes, sir,’ Shaan answers. Henry takes a shuddering breath, before turning on his heel again and resuming his walk out of the palace, to the car that’s waiting to bring him back to Kensington Palace. Maybe Alex doesn’t need him, not anymore. He’s got June, Nora, even that girl he brought, Hannah, to be there as support for him, for each other. He can be honest with himself and be happy for Alex that he has these people, found someone new. He needs it. People to fall back on, to care for him, no questions asked. At least Henry can find peace in that.

He is so lost in his thoughts that he gets into the car on auto pilot, doesn’t notice the fact that Shaan tries to get his attention, asks him something. Henry doesn’t notice the worried looks Shaan sends him, clearly worried enough about him that it seeps through the careful mask that normally graces his face. It isn’t until the car is parked at Kensington and Henry doesn’t even notice that they’ve arrived, that Shaan manages to get through to him.

‘Henry?’ It’s a rare use of his first name. Henry blinks, lifts his gaze to his equerry, who looks both worried and relieved at the same time at the attention he finally gets from the Prince.

‘Yes? I’m sorry, did you ask me something?’ Henry frowns. It’s not unusual for Shaan to tell him things in the car, especially when it’s one of the more private places to do so, but to address him with his first name is not by any means normal. Henry doesn’t know whether he truly missed something Shaan said, or if he needs to brace himself for whatever comes, and the fact that it takes a minute for Shaan to find the words he needs to find doesn’t help his anxiety one bit.

‘Forgive me if I’m being too forward,’ Shaan starts. ‘But I did make the decision to make a slight change to your afternoon after all.’ Henry frowns, but can’t muster up the energy to do anything more than a nod in acknowledgement and a notion that he can go on.

‘I made an emergency appointment for you with your psychiatrist. It’s a video call, in about an hour, so no need to go to her office, but considering the meeting you just had, I thought it prudent.’ Shaan says this all very carefully, and doesn’t move away his gaze from Henry even once. Henry can only nod, shakily, sending him a small smile.

‘I… Yes. Thank you.’ He can readily admit that it’s something he probably does need. It’s not something he particularly looks forward to, but, well, needs must, and at least he’s got nothing afterwards, which is another bonus. He can just sit in his room, eat jaffa cakes, and simultaneously run Bake Off on his laptop and the elections on a television, even if he probably will have that muted and will only be watching to hopefully catch a glimpse of Alex. It’s probably pathetic, but he knows how drained he’s going to be, and seeing Alex, and hopefully seeing him look good, might just make him feel a little bit better about the entire situation. It’s basically all he can ask for, and actually receive it, at the moment, and he’ll take small wins like that. He has to find them somewhere, after all.

A few hours later Henry does indeed find himself in bed, a package of jaffa cakes next to him, a steaming mug of tea on his nightstand, right next to the book he’s been reading, and the copy of Le Monde still tucked firmly underneath that. His laptop runs an episode of Bake Off he’s barely able to focus on, the television playing the elections in America, phone opened up on Alex’s text page in hand, dry tear tracks staining his cheeks.

He’s torturing himself with it, he knows that. Keeps telling himself he shouldn’t have it open, or even reread the last texts they send one another. Or, rather, Alex sent him. He never did send any back. He fights down the wave of nausea that comes up as he realises this, stomps down the guilt as best he can. Alex gave him his peace of mind for it anyway, knowing he did respond in a way. He has to keep telling himself that, even though it’s difficult. Even if he shouldn’t be using the texts they did send as a security blanket. 

His therapist even said so, earlier that afternoon. Told him it was unhealthy, even if Henry already knew that. And while the talk with her did help to some degree, especially after they agreed to hold more meetings, more talks, even if it’s just to check in, see if his medication needed adjusting to help him deal with the marriage he will be forced into, he still can’t help but do it anyway. Sometimes he just needs the reminder that he was loved, once upon a time, in a different way than familial, or friendly, or even the superficial kind of love from the people outside the gates, who love him for the persona he is, not himself. 

Not to mention the fact that he can be happy, or happier, than he is now. He knows he won’t be as happy as he was with Alex, probably not ever again, but in moments like these, where everything seems darker and bleaker than usual, the reminder of happier times makes him believe that there is some light at the end of the tunnel. That while it probably will take him a while to find it, he’ll find it someday, eventually. He just needs to hold on, take it one moment, one step at a time. And, well, if Alex’s texts and emails make him find that hope, then he will use them as a crutch, at least until he can find a better, healthier one.

Time passes slowly. Henry won’t pretend to know much about the elections beyond what Alex explained to him, but he watches diligently. There’s not much sign of any of the people in the White House, probably all huddled up together, doing whatever they must do to help secure the votes, or distracting themselves with whatever they can to help pass the time. A few times Henry thinks he can see three dots indicating that Alex is typing something in their chat, but they go away as fast as Henry can blink, so he passes it off as a figment of his imagination.

Eventually, slowly, creeping towards the end of the night and the early hours of the morning, the polling stations close, votes are being counted, results are trickling in. The package of jaffa cakes has long since been devoured, but Henry can’t take his eyes away from the screen long enough to go and get some more. Twice more he sees the three dots appear at the end of the chat, the second time long enough for him to convince himself that it is not a dream. He pinches himself to make sure, hope blossoming in his chest.

But no text comes. The dots disappear again, taking the hope along with it, and tears stream down his face anew. It’s both because of the fact that he feels needed, whatever Alex was writing to him, that he isn’t forgotten, cast aside, even if he deserves it. But it’s also very much because of the fact that Alex does still need him, still wants to reach out. Henry is realistic enough to know that if a month and a half wasn’t enough to get over him, a little over two months won’t make that much of a difference too, but still, he’d hoped, if only for Alex’s sake, that it would’ve made a minuscule change. Apparently not.

It’s only a few minutes later that the scene on television changes to a view of a room where apparently someone’s about to speak. Henry hasn’t got the volume turned up, for that’s reserved for bake-off, so he hasn’t got a clue who’s going to speak, and he can only watch with a frown to see who it’s going to be. If it’s Richards he doubts it’ll be something he’ll want to listen to, but from the tag on the bottom of the screen it seems to be coming from Ellen’s camp. Henry blindly searches for the remote that’s meant to be somewhere on his bed, keeping an eye on the screen.

It’s when he finds it that Alex makes his way towards the podium, causing Henry to drop the remote right away. He scrambles for it again, quickly, his eyes trained on the screen as he frantically hits the button to turn up the volume. Even though tears are still streaming down his face, clouding his vision, he can’t help but drink him in. Alex looks good . He’s not surprised by it, not really, but it still warms his heart to see how he seems to shine. He looks ready to motivate the crowd, does so, even if the words are mostly lost to his ears, taking in the sound, but not the message. Sure, he also looks tired, and there is a slight tenseness to him that most people wouldn’t be able to tell, but Henry figures it’s just the stress about the election, the worry his mom won’t win this, not again. It makes sense.

Henry still can’t help but feel proud of him. It can’t be easy, trying to motivate people for an election you got booted off the campaign of, when you came out publicly right at a moment votes were about to open, if not opening already. Henry is well aware of the fact that the political landscape, hell, people, aren’t necessarily kind about it all. He didn’t even need today’s clear reminder for that. But for Alex to come out still, do this, be so unapologetically proud of it, even if Henry knows it’s probably eating him up on the inside? He couldn’t be prouder. He wishes he could tell him so, wishes someone does it anyway because they feel the same as Henry does. Alex could probably use that.

Alex leaves the stage quickly enough again, and Henry acutely misses him. It’s not fair to feel this way, he knows that. Knows he brought it on himself, and that he’ll have to relearn to take whatever he can get and accept the fact that he won’t ever have anything more again. It’s hard, however, knowing what he’s lost now, what he has to miss out on. He doesn’t regret it, not for a single second, would do it all over again if he had to, and so all he can do now is pray that Alex isn’t going through the same as he is, or, if he is, he hasn’t got it as bad as Henry does. He doesn’t want him to hurt this much, not ever. He just hopes he ended it in time to stop that from happening.

Henry knows he must have dozed off at one point or another, because seemingly between one blink and the next, a lot more states have been called, and his laptop has clearly gone into sleep mode. He rubs his eyes, turns the volume up on the TV slightly, trying to make sense of what’s happening and what he missed, but it’s increasingly clear that the race is a tight one indeed.

It all boils down to the last states to be called, including Texas, but despite two of them turning red, it’s not enough to secure the victory for Richards. The moment Texas turns blue, securing the victory for Ellen, a grin breaks out on Henry’s face, intently watching the tv where it doesn’t take long for her to make her victory speech, Mike Holleran, Leo, Nora, June, and Alex joining her on stage, happy as can be. It seems like a lot of weight has been lifted off of Alex’s shoulders, a kind of relaxation he hasn’t seen in a while, relief clear on his face. He doesn’t stop himself from sending Alex a quick message, nothing more than a Congratulations on the win! , but a message nonetheless. He isn’t expecting a response, none at all, but a few hours later, after Henry has managed to get some more sleep, he finds one on his phone nonetheless: thanks! It causes a smile to break out on his face, small, but genuine, filling him with a warmth and hope that he maybe did not fuck it all up beyond repair anyway. He hasn’t had much to be happy about, lately, doubts he will have many of those moments ahead of him, but at least moments like these can make him believe not all is horrible in the world, even if only for a little while.

Chapter Text

‘Alex, do you have a minute?’ Zahra’s voice carries through the hallway Alex is making his way through, her head around the corner of the door she’s opened just wide enough, and Alex stops in his tracks, frowning. He looks over at her, and the impatient look on her face is not one he’d like to see, especially not when he’s about to leave to go and celebrate Hannah’s birthday, or, well, mostly her acceptance to NYU, considering “she does not see the point in celebrating a birthday, like, is it such an accomplishment to be born?”. Regardless of her views on it, there’s something to celebrate anyway, and that’s what matters.

Alex can honestly use some joy in his life.

That’s why he’s so worried about Zahra’s question. He can say no, obviously, but he doesn’t think it’d go over well, and even if it’s phrased as a question, he knows well enough to know it’s more of a demand. It also makes him worry, because while he doesn’t think he did something wrong, especially because he laid low, kept himself busy with prep-work for school in the fall, and with the campaigning not necessary anymore, it also wasn’t necessary for him to step out in the limelight as such. He doesn’t mind, not really, especially because it means he can avoid the stupid god damn questions about himself, and, mostly, his opinion about Henry and his ‘apparent new girlfriend’.  

Alex doesn’t know anything about said girlfriend.

Or, well, that’s a lie. He’s aware that she’s named Emma. Or Emily. Or Emilia. Or something like that. He hasn’t looked it up. It’s after all not like Henry of all people would have a girlfriend, not willingly, anyway, and if they’ve been photographed together it’s clearly something staged by his grandmother. He can’t say that, obviously, but considering the questions and the news about that is more persistent than normal, he is frankly quite worried about it all, because there’s clearly something going on.

Still, if he avoids it, it’s easier to deny it all to himself, plausible deniability and all that. June and Nora don’t mention it much, even if he’s well aware that they think he might be deluding himself, and, well, they’re not wrong , not really, but he also doesn’t want to admit that. He’s doing absolutely fine, thank you very much, and despite the odd message here and there between him and Henry, mostly pleasantries, birthday wishes, congratulations regarding his mother’s presidency, it’s also not been any deeper than that. Alex is both saddened and relieved by it.

He shakes himself out of his thoughts, well aware that he has places to be, and Zahra is not one to be patient. Even if he didn’t do anything wrong, he’d rather not get on her bad side, because it could have consequences for later. Besides that, she’s in the Oval Office, where his mom also currently is, so it could also be that she needs him. That is also not a thing that is very comforting, and if it’s about him needing to spend more time with Henry because of international relations he might just scream, so either he is not going to want to have this talk now, or he is very much going to need the drinks afterwards. He just hopes it won’t come to that.

‘Will it take long?’ He asks Zahra instead, because if he can get out now, he might as well go and distract himself and maybe postpone it for as long as possible. It’s not like June’s around anyway - or, not now. She and Nora are meant to join them at the restaurant later. 

‘You just need to look over something,’ Zahra says, nodding towards the door. It’s impressive how she manages to do just that, with still only her head outside of it, but, well, Zahra can probably do anything. It’s better not to ask.

‘Fine.’ If it’s looking something over it’s probably not that bad anyway. He sighs, makes his way towards the office, and slips into it as Zahra makes way for him. Really generous of her, really, even if she still doesn’t fully open the door.

‘Hi, sugar,’ Ellen greets him as soon as he enters.

‘Hi mom. What was it that I needed to check?’ He doesn’t want to do pleasantries, not when he’s got places to go and she’s clearly also very much in her president mode. Which means she probably has a lot to do and not enough time to do so. He won’t be surprised if he finds her pacing the hallways when he can’t sleep at three am tonight, that’s for sure.

‘It’s a press release, nothing special. Just a comment about June and your plans in regards to school. We just need to know if we got all of the details right.’ Oh. Alex blinks. He is suddenly very much aware of the fact that he did not really discuss his changed plans in regards to school with his parents. He can’t even recall if he mentioned it to June, or whether he just told Hannah. 

He takes the press release into his hands warily, skims it over, skips the part about June because she can read that over herself if she hasn’t done so already, and slowly reads over the part where it starts to mention him. As suspected, his mom, Zahra, or whoever wrote this, is still under the comprehension that he’s slated to stay at the White House, and meant to go and study Politics. However… that’s not exactly what he has been planning. He bites his lip anxiously, kind of wishing June was around for support, but decides he’s going to have to bite the bullet and then can go drink it all away later with Hannah.

‘Uhm, this… is not right?’ he says hesitantly. ‘It’s just… I’m not going to go do Politics? And I was kinda thinking about moving out?’ He doesn’t really want to look at his mum, but he wants to look at Zahra even less, so he raises his eyes up to her anyway.  

‘...You’re not?’ she asks.

‘No? I actually am planning to do… well, law school? In New York?’ It’s a bit of a bomb to drop, he’s aware, but, well, he has applied for it.

‘Alex,’ his mum starts slowly. ‘That’s great, sugar, but, well, NYU law is hard to get into, and, well, you need to have sat your LSATs first.’ Alex blinks.

‘I know.’ It comes out a bit defensively, if he’s honest, but he’s also stopped caring.

‘So when were you planning on going?’ his mum asks, as if Alex was maybe joking about attending NYU in fall.

‘This September.’ Ellen blinks.

‘You can’t really make that happen, Alex. Even if you sat your LSATs this summer. Applications for NYU would be counting for the next year, and then there’s also the matter of getting in.’ 

‘Yeah, that’s not an easy feat,’ Zahra chimes in.

‘I mean, I already sat my LSATs last summer, and I got a perfectly fine score and got into NYU. I got the acceptance letter two days ago.’ It’s not something he’d told anyone yet, if he’s honest, and while he didn’t think he was going to tell his mum and Zahra first, it does make him feel somewhat better to at least have it out, even if it does sting that they didn’t seem to have had high hopes of him getting in.

‘Wait, you sat them?’ Ellen asks, at the same moment Zahra asks, with a voice of incredulity: ‘You got in?’ 

It doesn’t sting. Not at all.

And yes, Alex is well aware of the fact that he’s a lying liar who lies.

‘Yes. To both. I got a 176 on it. I’m starting in the fall. It was an early admission, so I’m guaranteed a spot.’ Every other school he’d applied to had been a later admission, but he isn’t going to tell his parents that. Or Zahra. NYU had been his top choice, it’d get him away from it all, and with Hannah also being there, he knew he at least had one friend around there.

He ignores how much it hurts that Zahra and Ellen are both blinking at him.

‘Well, that’s… congratulations, honey! We should celebrate, tonight, maybe we can move some things around, and -’ 

‘I’m not gonna be here tonight,’ Alex interjects. It might be nice of his mum to want to celebrate, but he also knows that she’s busy, she’s going to have to change his bit in the article on top of it too, and, well, he does have plans. And he’d actually rather go celebrate with those who would be supportive of him, especially when he hasn’t quite told them yet. If they’re going to find out, he wants it to be through him, not his mother.

‘I’m going to go celebrate Hannah’s birthday, remember? June and Nora are meeting us there.’

‘Oh, right, I remember you saying something about that,’ Ellen says, nodding. She’s already crossing off things in the copy of the draft she’s no doubt got on her desk as well. That, or she’s multitasking. ‘Both’ is an option, really.

‘That does save me some rearranging some appointments, actually,’ she continues, talking mostly to herself. Alex tries not to sigh. He knows how important her job is. Besides, it was not as if he was going to be able to make it anyway.

‘Let me know when it does work for you, then, okay, Alex?’ she asks, looking back up again. ‘It really does deserve to be celebrated, and I’m sure Leo and June would feel the same.’ They probably would, and he doesn’t want to deny them the pleasure, so he nods. It does feel good to be celebrated, after all, and considering his dad isn’t around and they’d probably have a separate celebration, it would also mean that they probably wouldn’t have any fights that evening either. That really would be nice.

‘Yeah, okay, I can do that. Was that all, then?’ he asks. He doesn’t want to be late for Hannah’s birthday, even if he probably is already running late, but if it’s going to take even longer than it already had done, then he truly would be late, and not even the fashionably late kind.

‘All good, yes, have fun tonight!’ Ellen is already back to focussing on her work, and Zahra is wasting no time ushering him out, and Alex knows how to take a hint when he sees one. He nods, leaves, and with Cash, who was waiting for him inside the hallway, on his heels, he finally makes his leave to go and celebrate at the restaurant.

Alex quickly finds out that he was, in fact, on the late side. Hannah is already seated, as are June and Nora, and he rushes towards the booth to unceremoniously drop himself besides the birthday girl, an apology on his lips.

‘Sorry y’all, mom was holding me back for a bit. Happy birthday!’ Hannah scoffs, pushes him lightly.

‘Let’s not push it,’ she says. ‘I said we were going to celebrate my acceptance to NYU, right?’ 

‘We can do both,’ Nora says. June nods.

‘Besides, all the more opportunity to have cake as a dessert!’ Cake as a dessert is, after all, always a good thing, and now they can maybe even ask the staff if they can write congratulations on the plate. They can play that off as a NYU thing after all.

‘There’s always a reason to have cake as dessert,’ Hannah argues. ‘It’s dessert. There needn’t be a celebration to have it. You can also go through… I don’t know. A breakup? Isn’t that what y’all do? Or like, I don’t know, losing a pet, or a gran, or something equally sad and heartbreaking and that would also be plenty of reason to stuff yourself with cake. Or ice cream, or both. Both is always a good option.’ 

‘Point,’ Alex concedes.

‘So. What did your mother want that you’re late for my celebration? Didn’t you tell her that you had somewhere to be?’ She’s only mocking, he knows, but Alex still can’t help but scowl.

‘I did. She forgot. She wanted my opinion on some kind of press release that’s going out which is about what June and I are going to do school wise or like, whether we stay inside the White House, that kind of thing.’ He sighs. 

‘Oh, yeah. I saw that. Wasn’t that good, then?’ June asks. Huh. So she had already read it. And apparently he hadn’t told her about NYU. Oops.

‘No?’ he says hesitantly. ‘Not in my case, anyway. Because, well… I’m going to law school?’ he continues, slowly. ‘I may have got an NYU acceptance letter the other day.’ Alex adds, a lot more quickly. Might as well rip the band aid off after all.

‘Law school?’ June asks.

‘That makes sense,’ Nora says, nodding.

‘You’re also going to NYU?’ Hannah all but shrieks. Alex rubs his ear after that. Hannah hadn’t quite bothered to lower her volume and, well, when he’s sat next to her it is really rather loud.

‘Yes.’ He isn’t able to get more out after that, especially since she considers it the best idea to tackle him into a hug, nearly causing him to fall out of the booth they’re all sat in.

‘This is going to be brilliant,’ Hannah declares, near his ear, still not bothering to lower her volume even the slightest bit. If he has a ringing in his ears after tonight, he’ll know who to blame.

‘What was your score?’ Nora asks around a wooden cocktail pick that she’s currently using as a toothpick. Or something to chew on. Alex honestly can’t be sure at this point and is afraid to ask, mostly because he isn’t sure he’d want the answer.

‘176,’ he answers as he works himself back upright again, Hannah having let go of him. She had the grace to move back like they didn’t almost topple out. Alex has less grace about it all. It’s a bit embarrassing, really.

Nora whistles. ‘That’s impressive.’ 

‘That’s amazing, Alex,’ June says. ‘But I take it mom was less on board about it all?’ Alex sighs.

‘It wasn’t that… not really. I mean, mom and Zahra both thought I was talking about next year, not this one, and kept going on about how I needed to take the LSATs for it to even try to get into NYU and kept saying how hard it was and… Yeah. I did tell them I was aware of all that and once they realised I did get in and already sat them, Mom wanted to go and celebrate tonight, to which I had to say no. She did ask me to let them know when it would work out so we could all celebrate, but. I don’t know.’ It didn’t exactly feel right, not after Ellen had also mentioned it had worked out for the better that they actually couldn’t celebrate this evening. He felt guilty about that, wasn’t even sure if it was because of her reaction or that he wouldn’t be able to celebrate with all he wanted to be there, but regardless of what it was, the feeling of unease didn’t go away.

‘You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to,’ June says, soothingly. But there’s still that hesitation in her voice which says she clearly also knows why he’d want to regardless. And isn’t that the fucking crux of the matter?

‘Eh, if you feel good about doing it, then do it, if not, then not. You can also just ask them to like, celebrate with elaborate dessert or something,’ Hannah says, shrugging. There’s something about the way she’s looking that indicates she’s clearly holding something back, but she doesn’t seem inclined, or even ready, to vocalise it, so Alex deems it better to not even ask. He’s come to know Hannah well enough that if she thinks it should be said, she absolutely will, damn the consequences.

‘What’s with you and dessert, today?’ Nora asks Hannah, in a solid attempt to get the attention away from Alex.

‘I don’t know!’ Hannah whines. ‘I just want something sweet, sugary. Or savoury. Honestly, probably both. Maybe we should’ve gone to a dessert bar instead. Or maybe we can do that after this.’ 

‘I mean, it’s your birthday, and we’re celebrating your NYU acceptance too, so I don’t see why we can’t do both?’ Alex says. 

‘Also your acceptance. It might have started for me, but I can definitely share the spotlight. If we’re out celebrating we might as well do it properly.’ Hannah nods, as if the decision is already final. ‘Do you two have anything to celebrate?’ she then asks June and Nora.

‘Not really,’ June says, while Nora shrugs. Hannah shakes her head.

‘That won’t do,’ she decides. ‘Let’s just go with you survived the day, put another week behind you, didn’t do any major fuck ups, that kind of thing. Plenty of people would do a lot just to have a day like that, or fail to see what an accomplishment that can be. Not that I’m implying you’re one of them, but, you know, the little things matter too.’ June is ready to open her mouth at that, and Alex just grins, seeing the glint in Hannah’s eyes as she tuts and waves a finger in front of June’s face to shut her up.

‘I wasn’t finished,’ she says with a grin. ‘I’m not above pulling the birthday girl card here, and I hate pulling the birthday girl card, so be well aware of how serious I am.’

‘Fine,’ June says.

‘Well, I wasn’t going to complain. I’m not going to say no to more dessert,’ Nora says.

‘That’s the spirit!’ 

After that, the conversation changed, not in the least because Alex very much wanted the unwanted attention away from him, even if Hannah would not let him get away with the fact that they were also celebrating his NYU acceptance, but at least no more invasive questions were asked, or subjects discussed which hit too close for comfort. Instead, they spoke about their current favorite shows, anecdotes from work, the dog dressed as a clown Nora’d seen passing her house as she was tending to her many houseplants.

The food they had was excellent and filling to the point they actually decided to not go to the dessert bar after all. While they all agreed that the idea in question was good, nobody wanted to be so full they would get nauseous from eating even more, and so the idea was tabled for the next time they’d all go out together, if only so they could properly enjoy it all, as desserts were meant to be enjoyed.

They did, however, end up at a karaoke bar. It hadn’t been Alex’s first choice, but he also was not going to say no to Hannah, and June and Nora were also a force to be reckoned with, which is how he found himself in a booth, right next to Hannah, a drink in front of him, contributing to the conversation that was going on around him, but not realising exactly what was being said at all.

He ignored the looks from all of them, though he was well aware that he was going to get the third degree at some point. Still, he was grateful enough to know that they wouldn’t bring it up, not now, instead making sure that Hannah had a great time. And, well, themselves too, really, if the amount of alcohol was any indication, as well as the fact that Nora dragged June away to sign themselves up for karaoke. Maybe he could enjoy it more once he saw them up there on stage butchering whatever song they ended up choosing.

‘So, what’s really up with you?’ Hannah asked the second they were gone. ‘Feel free to tell me to fuck off, but you’re not really there and you just seem… sad.’ 

‘It’s nothing,’ Alex murmurs. It’s a lie, he knows it, hopes Hannah will let it lie down, but the fact that she brought it up makes him realise that there is a little chance of her actually doing so.

‘Bull,’ she says. Alex sighs, fiddling with a napkin in front of him.

‘It’s just… The last time we went to a karaoke bar it was with some others and… it brings up memories, that’s all.’ Memories of a happier time, seeing Henry just letting go and enjoying himself and being free in a way he so rarely got to be. Glimpses of a life they maybe could’ve had if the world had only been a little kinder, if he had been enough, if love had been enough. He wasn’t, and it wasn’t, and he still struggled to cope with it, but then, he was never one to do things halfway, so it was only natural he’d also done it with this.

‘Bad memories?’ Hannah asks, then. 

‘No. Yes. No.’ He sighs, runs a hand through his hair before continuing to fiddle with the napkin. ‘Karaoke itself was fine, great even. It’s just…’ He waves his hand in the air, unable to find the words he wants to speak, unsure about the fact he even has them.

‘Do you miss the people you were with? The ones that are missing today?’ Hannah then asks, gently, as if she’s almost afraid to spook him.

‘Yes,’ Alex says. He doesn’t even hesitate. ‘It’s just… complicated, I guess.’

‘Nothing is ever that complicated.’ Alex snorts.

‘Yeah, no, this is.’ 

‘Wanna tell me about it? Do I need to punch people?’ Hannah sounds serious as she says it, and he actually has no doubt that she actually would go and punch Henry. She’d probably also have to punch him in the process, but, well, he tries to ignore that bit.

‘No, it’s fine. Or, well, it’s not. But there is not much I can say, not really. The short version of it, I guess, is that we had a disagreement not long after that.’ He frowns, backtracks. ‘A fight, really, I think.’ He bites his lip, because this is the first time he’s admitting, both to himself and out loud, that it had in fact been a fight, and not a disagreement. It’s not something he feels comfortable with, not when he tried so hard to avoid fights. Sure, he knew that disagreements with Henry, or, between partners, really, were inevitable. You can’t agree about everything, after all. It’s just when it becomes a fight that he feels like it’s doomed to fail anyway. That there probably was no hope left even when he clung on to the shred of hope he had so tight that it shouldn’t have been able to slip through his fingers like it did. But it had, and he should’ve known better, he had seen it happen, had come home to a house with one less parent and Jesus, why did he even think he would be different in that case? He got blamed for being too much like one of them often enough anyway, so what made him think he was better than that, that it wouldn’t happen to him, eventually? Enough people had left him as it was. He knew he was too loud, too much, or not enough in other ways to the point love wouldn’t do it, so why had he been so naïve?

‘Okay,’ Hannah says, dragging him out of his spiral. Or, at least, attempting to. While he can see the light ahead, the hand reaching out, he doesn’t feel like he can take it, deserve to take it. It just feels… wrong , especially with what Henry seems to be going through. It might be a shit way of thinking, but Henry did say that he wanted to remain friends, and he had been supportive and the one to reach out the most, and Alex might be all mopey and sad and trying to figure out how to navigate it, but that doesn’t mean he wants to see him suffer too. All he wants is for Henry to be happy too, no matter how difficult that is for him, and it feels wrong to be happy when Henry is not.

Not that he is at the point of being truly happy, but, well, that’s a different matter altogether. 

‘The point is… It wasn’t fun, the fight, and while we agreed to try and remain friends, I’m not sure if it’s a thing we can put past ourselves entirely, so it’s just… awkward, especially because we were close and now I just… don’t know how to navigate it all, and I miss the way it was, and the fact that I don’t think we can get back to it just hurts, and just being in places like this just reminds me of how good it was, and I’m truly trying to remember that it was good, but it still makes it bittersweet, and complicated?’ He still won’t look Hannah in the eye, instead tries to focus on June, currently singing on stage, while Nora showers her with champagne she got somewhere. He smiles at the sight, glad the two have fun, but also a bit jealous of the fact that they get to be unbothered and relaxed. 

He hates himself for that.

‘A lot of things make a lot more sense now,’ Hannah muses, fiddling with an olive in her glass.

‘Huh?’

‘I’m just saying. If this is about who I think it is, then suddenly it makes a lot more sense. I’m not asking you to tell me who it’s about, don’t worry, and I could be entirely wrong, but I think I get it now, and if you ever need a buffer, just let me know and I’ll make myself available.’ 

‘I… Thanks. That means a lot.’ 

‘It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. Honestly, I think you need to worry more about how you lot are getting home and how sticky y’all are going to be,’ she says with a grin, nodding towards June and Nora, who, herself, has gotten soaked in champagne as well.

‘Ew,’ he says. Hannah just cackles.

The evening progresses a lot better from there. Alex didn’t realise how much he needed to get it off his chest, how much he needed to talk about it, even if it was in a convoluted way as to not out Henry. He might trust Hannah to keep it to herself, but they’re still in a public setting, and he refuses to risk being overheard. Luckily June and Nora aren’t asking questions either, even if he’s well aware of the fact that it will probably happen at a later date, but, well, he can at least relax more, mainly due to Hannah doing her level best to get him out of his shell and managing to distract them in ways Nora and June don’t manage. 

Mainly by pointing out strangers and talking about the most outrageous backstories she came up with for them, whether accurate or not.

He vaguely thinks Henry would appreciate it. It seems like a writer thing.

Not that he knows whether Hannah enjoys writing, but it does help him distract him, and he’s not about to ask something so personal, especially when she does it to cheer him up. He appreciates it more than he can say.

Eventually they do say their goodbyes, dropping Hannah off at her home on the way back to the White House as they all had something to drink and didn’t want her to have to go home alone, Nora sleeping over in June’s room for the night. Alex tells the girls goodnight as they stumble into June’s room once they get back, before he basically faceplants in bed in his room himself when he gets there, too tired to bother with getting undressed. It’s a nice change, for once.

The next day finds Alex actually well rested, for once. He isn’t too hungover, which is a bonus, and after he takes a shower and puts on clean clothes, he actually feels more human than he has in a while. He vaguely wonders if it is an indicator he should talk about his feelings more instead of bottling it up, before pushing that thought away. It’s not like he can tell people much about what’s really going on due to NDAs, patient confidentiality be damned, so he figures there isn’t much of a point to it anyway.

He finds his mum in the kitchen, awake already, but not looking so busy that she needs to be running off soon, which is a rare thing to say the least.

‘Morning,’ he says, as he makes his way to the coffee-pot to find it freshly brewed. Brilliant. He grabs a mug from the cabinet and starts prepping his coffee, comforted by the smell and the familiar motions he’s going through. He might not be fully awake yet, but at least this is comforting.

‘Morning, sugar,’ Ellen says, barely looking up from her own breakfast and whatever she seems to be reading. ‘Have you thought about how and when you want to celebrate yet?’ she asks then, before taking a bite out of her toast.

‘Not really?’ Alex answers honestly. ‘I mean. I’m fine with just a dinner. I know you all are busy, and it doesn’t have to be much more than that, and I don’t think I’ve got anything in the next few days, either, so unless you need me somewhere, I guess we can do it one of these days?’ Like, it’s not like he needs that celebration anyway. He doesn’t want to inconvenience his mother, be in the way of what she needs to do. She worked too hard to get where she is, and he almost ruined it all with his coming out, so he won’t take up more of her time than needed. He can’t do that.

‘If you’re sure, honey?’ Ellen asks, looking up this time from over the rim of the tablet she’s holding in her hand.

‘Yeah,’ he nods. 

‘Well, okay then. Let me handle it all, and we’ll do dinner then. Anything specific you want for dinner, or should we just surprise you?’ Alex blinks, unsure about this entire situation. It’s nice that his mum is trying, and truly seems to want to celebrate it, but he also feels like she’s putting too much effort in it, and it’s not worth it. Still, he also doesn’t want to turn it down or seem ungrateful about it, so he swallows his words and smiles instead.

‘A surprise is good, Mom. I’m okay with everything.’ Ellen nods at that, taking the last bite of her toast before getting up.

‘Okay, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can then, okay? I’ve got to get back to work now. Love you!’ She quickly squeezes him on the shoulder with the hand that is now freed up, before she leaves the kitchen to go to her office, heels clacking on the floor. And, well, Alex doesn’t want to feel apprehensive, but he does, and he hates himself for it.

The time it takes for his mother to get back to him is quicker than he expects. The calendar notification for it appears in the afternoon of that same day, scheduling it in for the next. He hadn’t expected it to be this soon, not when his mom is so busy, but he reckons it’s also nice to have it be over with. Besides, he knows Leo will probably go wild with setting the table, which is always a treat to see, and while he still needs to tell his dad and see if they can meet up so he can do so, he’s also well aware that it’s probably just that - a meet up, or maybe even a video call. His dad is in California after all, and he can’t really expect him to fly in just to come and celebrate. He can’t ask that from him.

It’s because of all this that it is very much a surprise when he enters the dining room the next day, a bit later than planned because he got distracted by reading law books ahead of his start at NYU, to find everyone already seated, and a tablet set up on the table from which is clear that his father is actually calling in.

‘Mijo!’ Oscar says, his voice a bit tinny through the speakers of the tablet, once he spots him. ‘I heard you got accepted into NYU, congratulations!’

‘Uh, thanks,’ Alex says, as he takes a seat. He ignores the frown on June’s face, though he knows she wouldn’t say a word now anyway, especially not when the mood still seems good. He doesn’t want to ruin it either, not again, especially not when this is all meant to celebrate him. Maybe, just maybe, it could all be an amicable dinner, for once. He wasn’t the one to invite his dad anyway, hadn’t even been aware that he knew, and he tries not to feel offended about the fact that he was robbed of the chance to tell him in person, like he was planning on doing, or the fact that Oscar did call in, even if he knows it’s not reasonable to ask him to fly in.

He also feels like he’s failing at that, but he shoves it down. He really does not have the right to feel ungrateful or upset about all of this.

‘Law school, damn, mijo, that isn’t easy to get into,’ Oscar whistles.

‘It wasn’t that bad,’ Alex says, at the same time his mother cuts in with a: ‘What, Oscar, do you think he can’t handle it?’ 

‘What? No, Ellen, that’s not what I’m saying!’ 

‘Seriously?’ June says, weakly, but it seems to go unheard.

‘You sure make it seem like that,’ Ellen continues. Alex rubs his hands over his eyes, elbows on the table as he does so. It hadn’t even been a freaking minute.

‘I’m just saying that it is impressive, not that I had any doubts! You know how clever that boy is. What did you say he had, again? A 174?’ 

‘Yes,’ Ellen says.

‘No,’ Alex butts in, raising his voice slightly in an effort to be heard. ‘I said I had a score of 176.’ 

‘See, that’s impressive. Why would I have any doubts with a score like that? They’d be stupid not to accept you!’ his dad says.

‘I thought you said 174?’ Ellen asks him now, a frown on her face as she regards him.

‘I really did not,’ Alex disagrees.

‘Do you even listen to him when he tells you things?’ Oscar asks. Alex rubs his hands over his face once again, groaning, wondering why his mother even thought this was a good idea, especially considering he hadn’t even asked for it.

‘Oh my god,’ June says, groaning as well, fury on her face. Alex kind of wishes he was capable of that at the moment, but all he can feel is dread, and can’t help but wonder how on earth he had managed to fuck it up once again.

‘Of course I do!’ Ellen protests.

‘Can you guys not?’ Alex asks this time, from behind his hands.

‘Well, clearly you don’t. Were you busy when he told you?’

‘Seriously, Oscar?’ 

‘I’ll take that as a yes, then.’ Oscar nods on the screen. 

‘Mom, dad, seriously? Can you not keep it civil for once?’ Alex bursts out, getting up from his char with such speed it topples behind him. He doesn’t bother picking it up, either. ‘Like, Jesus, I didn’t even ask for this, and it’s not that I don’t appreciate it, because I do, but, fuck, why do y’all feel the need to fight every time? Is it really that hard to be civil around each other, or just not interact until you can be? God.’ He shakes his head, runs a hand through his curls.

‘I’m sorry, sugar,’ Ellen says.

‘Sorry, mijo,’ his dad also says. It’s decent enough that they both at least sound guilty about it, but Alex laughs humourlessly all the same.

‘Yeah, well, a bit too late now, isn’t it?’ He kicks the toppled over chair further back, making no move to pick it up.

‘Alex, at least just sit down and continue dinner?’ his mother pleads. He thinks it over for one second, but then shakes his head. It would be nice if they at least tried to keep it civil, but on the other hand, he can’t deal with the fact that they’d all be walking on fucking eggshells, and he can’t sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop. The idea of them being able to remain civil is something that’s too much to ask for, and Alex knows well enough that even if he did ask, he wouldn’t receive it anyway. He’s fucking learned his lesson well enough with Henry, after all, love didn’t do enough, didn’t mean enough for people to stick around and keep their promises. Why would his parents be any different?

‘No. I’m not hungry anymore. I can’t deal with this. I just… It’s better if we do this another time. Or maybe not at all. I don’t know.’ He turns around at that, ignores June calling out his name, and leaves the dining room at high speed.

Alex doesn’t stop walking until he’s back in his room and locked the door behind him. He knows well enough that June will probably try and follow him, talk to him, but he’s really not in the mood. He knows June wouldn’t hurt him, would protect him, always, as one of the few ones who’d never really left, but all he wants right now is to be alone.

Or, well, that’s not true.

What he really wants is Henry, to talk to him, hear his voice, pinpoint exactly what the problem was and find the right words in that massive vocabulary of his to help him out, soothe the pain, make him feel better again, at ease, at peace . But he can’t, because Henry fucking broke things off, if there even had been anything to break off, and he’s lost the right to go to Henry with stuff like this.

The fact that Henry had said he’d wanted to remain friends is a thing he ignores, because even if he did say that, he still can’t mean it. Not really. It was all a mistake and too fucking much as it was already, and Alex can’t pile his fucking problems on top of that all and give him more reason to push him away, to reconsider the friend part, because Alex overshared and was too much once again. It’s not like he ever learned to tone it down anyway, so it was probably better to not say anything at all.

Still, the need to talk to Henry doesn’t go away, and it might be a spectacularly bad decision, but he opens the app anyway. He can’t talk to Henry, doesn’t think he can handle it, but, well, the least he can do is at least text him to let him know he got into law school, right? At least he won’t be blind sided the way Alex was when it came to… whatever her name is, and even though that is definitely also Alex’s fault, he won’t have Henry receive backlash simply because he’s caught unaware because of something friends at least ought to have known about each other. He's probably having a shit enough time as it is, if Alex is even remotely right with his assumptions, and he won’t make it worse.

Alex

hey, just wanted to let you know that im starting law school in fall, nyu to be specific. got my acceptance letter the other day, so its all official. its going to be announced in the press soon, but i wanted you to hear it from me so you wont get blindsided or smth if the press decides to ask you questions about it.

Alex throws his phone besides him on the bed as soon as he hits send, pressing the heels of his hands in his eyes once again, wondering if he’s made a colossal mistake in texting Henry. But. Well. He knew it hadn’t been nice to get blind sided by the questions from the press regarding Henry’s dating status, so, well, it was only nice to warn Henry ahead of time, right? He didn’t do it the other way around, though, so really, maybe, he shouldn’t have.

Before he can really overthink it, though, his phone buzzes next to him, screen indicating Henry has responded, and with a shaking hand Alex picks up the device, dreading the answer Henry send, but on the other hand clutching at it like a lifeline, because he did respond, and maybe, just maybe, it hadn’t been too much for Henry to handle. 

His Royal Highness Prince Dickhead

That’s amazing, Alex, I’m so proud of you! I know you’ll absolutely thrive there - it’s truly something that fits you perfectly. Are you planning on moving to New York as well, then?

His hands are trembling as he reads the message, but he doesn’t notice it. Instead he’s being overwhelmed by the warmth that floods through him at Henry’s pride, the way he seems so enthusiastic about it all, how he wants to know more. On the other hand, he also feels terrible, missing Henry more than ever, wishing he could hear his voice, the pride within it as he talks to him, and for fuck’s sake, he can’t deal with this, but he can’t ignore Henry either, so it’s with shaking fingers and a shuddering breath that he types out a short response.

Alex

yeah, dunno where yet, though

It’s not much. He knows it. But the typing bubbles appear almost immediately, and don’t go away for quite a while. It makes fear lodge itself in his throat, his mind telling him over and over again that he fucked up, went too far, or not far enough, either way never not managing to balance what others needed him to be, for him to be able to stay in their lives and - 

His Royal Highness Prince Dickhead

That’s alright. I’m sure you’ll find something. I should warn you, though, that once you’ve got a place, Pez will no doubt come knocking down your door at some point. I don’t think I have to tell you he won’t take no for an answer, but he has a tendency to show up unexpectedly, just so you’re aware.

Oh. Huh. Whatever he had been expecting, it wasn’t this. He’s confused about the change to Pez, wondering if the quiet confidence that he’ll be alright is in fact not quiet confidence at all, but rather something to placate him, tide him over. It’s not something he’s seen Henry do before but… It also seems like he didn’t know Henry all that well anyway, so maybe he’s just mistaken.

Alex

alright? a bit unexpected but i dont mind. is it just pez who i should be expecting?

He feels stupid for asking, but he needs to know. Needs to know if he can expect Henry as well. Alex doesn’t know whether he wants to or not, not after what happened last time, but at least he can freak out, or talk to June, or make sure he arranges to be out when Henry’s there, just to be on the safe side. He needs plans, dammit, and it would be helpful to know what he can expect.

His Royal Highness Prince Dickhead

Well, I would assume your family, Nora, and Hannah, too, at some point, but you know them better than I do. But yes, it should be just Pez, if that’s okay? He’ll be in NYC more often for the Brooklyn shelter for disenfranchised youth that I mentioned a while back. It’ll be opening in a few months, so Pez’ll be there to oversee it. It is entirely possible that I might come over at some point to look at it, but considering I’m being kept rather busy, it probably won’t be any time soon.

Oh. That makes sense. Alex quite honestly had kind of forgotten about the shelters. Not because it wasn’t important, because it was , and any other day he would be way more excited about it all, but he hadn’t quite banked on the risk of Henry also being in New York at the same time as he, and while Henry is making it clear he doesn’t see a way to come over very soon, it really is something he’s going to have to be at peace with quite quickly.

Alex

oh, right, sorry, but that’s okay. i’ll probably be very busy with school as it is, so finding a time that would work would be difficult, especially last moment

He feels a bit awful for even saying this, if he’s honest, but it isn’t a lie either. He’s well aware of the horror stories about 1L, and knowing him he’ll be buried into schoolwork, probably forgetting to eat and to sleep and to basically live in the library non stop. He’s a bit scared about it all, but also can’t help to be excited, and it’s at least a valid excuse to spend as limited amount of time as possible with Henry, and even Pez.

Not that he did anything wrong, but Pez is still Henry’s best friend first, and that is also an important fact to keep in mind.

His Royal Highness Prince Dickhead

That’s entirely understandable, but I have complete faith in you that you’ll make it work. If anyone can do it, it’s you.

Well, fuck. The shaking in his hands hadn’t stopped at all, but now he’s also fucking crying, and he cannot deal with this. It’s all so fucking much, and he misses Henry so much, and he just wishes he could stop loving the damn man, but he doesn’t know how to and he kind of also still feels that Henry needs more people in his life who love him, even if Alex isn’t fucking allowed to do anything with it. And yet, here Henry is, saying shit like this to him, and making him feel all this, and it’s so fucking rude, because he’s still not fucking enough for Henry, even if he had given him hope, at first, that he could be, and how is he meant to stop feeling like this when Henry keeps this up?

He fucking hates him.

And loves him.

Still.

Fuck.

Alex

thanks

He’s trembling too much. He needs to stop this. He needs, he needs, he needs.

His Royal Highness Prince Dickhead

You don’t have to thank me, Alex, it’s simply the truth.

Henry. Simple as that. But he can’t, never again, and it hurts so much.

Alex

still, thank you

He’s begging, praying to every god and saint he knows for Henry to not reply at all, but of course, like the polite man he is, he still does anyway. Fuck fuck fuck.

His Royal Highness Prince Dickhead

You’re welcome, then.

But it’s at least a thing he can feasibly stop replying to. It’s something, but it still carves a hole within himself as well, just when he thought it was no longer possible.

Alex just throws the phone back on the bed, grabs a pillow, and curls himself into a ball, tears still streaming down his face, and hoping with all hope that he now maybe finally hit rock bottom and can start climbing back up, maybe start to feel happy again, because surely six months was long enough, right?

Chapter Text

Turns out, it is not.

It’s been over a year and a half since Henry told him he couldn’t do it anymore, that love didn’t do it, and despite moving to NYU, throwing himself in law school and being so drowned in it that he barely has time to eat and sleep, let alone have any room left over to even think about Henry, he can safely say that he still isn’t any further when it comes to getting over the man.

It’s frankly getting annoying.

It probably doesn’t help that they still talk. Sure, it’s mostly over text, and even that is sporadic at best and as casual as it can get, because Alex is too busy with law school to even be able to be sent to events that often, and even if he is, it doesn’t mean that Henry is there too. If anything, he is mainly sent out with Emily, for Alex has now learned her name, on his arm, considering they entered an official courtship.

June said it had something to do with endearing her to the crowd. Or something. He didn’t pay much attention to it, too caught up in wishing it was him next to Henry and being worried about him because it couldn’t be what he wanted.

There was quite a bit of anger involved too, both at Mary for clearly facilitating this, but also at Henry, for not putting up enough of a fight and letting himself get into this mess, even if he also felt guilty about the last part. He knew Henry struggled, and going up against your family with barely any support was hard enough to do as it was, so it probably wasn’t fair of Alex to be angry at him.

It didn’t stop him from wanting to shake him and tell him he should fight for what he wants for once, but, on the other hand, he had learned his lesson, and if it didn’t work then, it certainly wouldn’t work now, so even if he had a chance to do so, there would be no point in trying. It was not like it would help anyway.

Besides, he didn’t even have the time, or energy, to do that.

Law school really was a bitch.

He had hopes that he could maybe regain that energy, however. He had finally finished his end of the year exams, which meant that, barring him failing any of them, he had survived the hell that was 1L. Of course, with this came the prep for next year, the speciality he was going to have to pick, and finding a place to intern at (even if Pez had been hounding him to come and consult at the opened Brooklyn shelter. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to do it, because it did sound good, it was just the risk of running into Henry, feeling like he invaded something so personal to him even if his name wasn’t on the building.

And yes, he was well aware that letting his decisions be influenced by Henry maybe wasn’t the healthiest option, and that he had to pick what felt best to him. He did not need another reminder of that.

Well, maybe he did. He just refused to admit that it was the case. Whatever.). But regardless of it all, he had come out relatively unscathed if he said so himself, and he could now relax. Or, more than he used to, anyway.

And naturally that means he is out in the field right away, feeling like he’s seeing the sun again for the first time in fucking months, even if it’s hidden away by the most grey and depressing clouds Alex has seen in a while. It doesn’t stop him though, and even if he’s just there to announce his mom at an event, just a small thing he barely needed to prep for, to show he’s both still around and alive and kicking despite it all, it’s something that makes him feel useful.

Also, it’s just great to be with the masses again. People that aren’t his classmates who are as tired and drowned as he is, or Hannah, whom he very much appreciates as his friend, but who has also been stressed out of her mind with her upcoming exams and needing to get those photographs just right.

Just… something more low-key. As much as one could consider it to be low-key, anyway. But then, he basically has to give a short speech to announce his mother so she can do her thing, so that’s low-key enough, right?

He thinks so, anyway.

Besides, it’s going to be in Texas, and Alex can’t be more excited about that. He gets to go to his home state, he gets to make a speech, and after that it’s straight to the lake house for a week off, where all he needs to worry about is just relaxing. Okay, and preparing for the pride event, but that’s also exciting. After all, he hadn’t expected to be named marshall for it, and while it is also scary as all hell, he also feels honoured that he, of all people, got chosen as a representative. He doesn’t quite feel like he earned it, but he’ll be damned if he lets Texas down.

As excited as he is, though, he has to admit, at least to himself, that he is a tiny bit scared of going back to the lake house. He’s excited for the relaxing, hanging out by the lake, getting some swimming in, and enjoying the Texan heat. It won’t be too warm yet, but Alex isn’t going to complain about that. He’s just excited to not be holed up at home or in the library, poring over textbooks, and to just enjoy the sun again. The thing that has him apprehensive of it all, though, is the fact that he hasn’t been back since Henry.

And that is also where the not being over the damn man comes in.

Because he has tried, truly. Even snogged a person or two at one of the few parties he did end up attending, but it just never felt right. There was something missing, everything leading back to Henry and how it felt when it was with him. How good it had been, how it had felt like coming home, like he could relax, be at peace. He hadn’t felt that way with the people he’d kissed at all, couldn’t help but feel guilty at that, because it wasn’t even that the kisses were bad - he’d have enjoyed them at any other time in his life. It was just that they weren’t Henry, and he hated himself for feeling like he led them on.

But he also hated himself for feeling like he betrayed Henry, even when he had no ground to feel like that, because they weren’t even fucking together, and hadn’t been for well over a year and a half now. Fear built up within him, because if it hadn’t even diminished after so long, then when would it? How long did he need to get over him? Was he ever going to?

He didn’t think he was irrational for fearing that the lake house would bring all those memories back up. Henry leaving, ghosting him. The reminders of the good days they had. He was already determined to not sleep in the same bedroom as he had last time, but while June and Nora would be with him, his father would not be, and so it was easy enough for him to sleep in the bedroom his father normally occupied when they were all there. Maybe that would at least stave off the worst of the reminders.

Alex shoves those thoughts and worries down for the moment, however. The announcement he has to do is at ten am in the morning, and the fact that he flies in on the same day means he has to be up by 3 and out the door as soon as possible to even make sure he makes his flight on time. Naturally, this results in no sleep at all, and so a groggy Alex makes his way aboard the private airplane, Cash at his heels, with a huge thermos of coffee in hand, bag slung over his shoulder, and a yawn on his lips that he’s not even attempting to hide.

‘You sure you wanna drink all that, kid?’ Cash asks, as he takes a seat across from him on the plane, a worried frown on his face. Alex blinks somewhat sluggishly at him.

‘Yes,’ Alex says. ‘Gotta speech in a few hours, and I didn’t prepare yet, so.’ He opens his bag to grab his laptop so he can work on the announcement. It doesn’t even have to be long, just a few sentences, really, but he’s also tired enough to know that if he doesn’t learn it front to back and back to front, he will fuck up and he is not going to let that happen. 

‘Shouldn’t you make sure you’re also rested so you won’t fall asleep during it?’ Cashs asks then, the worried frown on his face even deeper now. Alex waves his hand in the air, shrugging it off.

‘I’ll be fine. This will get me through it and I can crash after, no big deal.’ He’s done this before, after all, so he can definitely do it again. It’s fine, it’s all gonna be fine.

‘I’m holding you to that,’ Cash warns him. Alex isn’t putting it past him, especially considering he will accompany him to Texas, even if he’ll stay in the house next door along with the other security detail Nora and June no doubt will be bringing along.

‘Yeah, sure, fine, now sh, I gotta concentrate.’ Cash just shakes his head, but Alex doesn’t even notice it, mind running a mile a minute, trying to keep a hold on the lines he’s thinking of, for he won’t be able to write them down until they’re well and fully in the air. He absolutely cannot fuck this up.

He does not fuck it up.

Alex isn’t even able to tell how he managed to get through it all, because it turned out that Cash probably was right and that he should’ve slept a bit before doing this all. The make-up artists had needed a lot of concealer anyway to even try and cover up how tired he looked, and while he isn’t quite sure whether they managed, at least his mom had commented on how nice it’d been to see him and had said nothing about his state of being, so they must’ve done a good enough job. Besides, even Zahra had told him he’d done a decent job, and he’ll absolutely take that win, thank you very much.

Cash drives him to the lake house, considering even Alex knows it’s not a good idea to let him drive, even if he doesn’t get to do it often anymore, and he dozes off during it. It’s not a full sleep, and he feels even more drowsy once they arrive, but at least he’s got a week off now, and considering Nora and June aren’t meant to arrive for a couple of hours still, he decides to go and have a nap in the hammock outside until they get there. He can unpack his stuff later, and it’ll be nice to just be outdoors for a bit. Maybe the soft breeze across his body will help him even sleep better, too.

‘Alex? Alex!’ Alex groans, throws a hand across his face, and tries to bury deeper into the material of the hammock. It’s not possible, of course, but he can dream.

‘Oi, Alejandro!’ Nora then says, from a lot closer than June had sounded earlier. Not that he had truly been able to pinpoint it, on account of having been asleep, and maybe it was just him being asleep that had made it sound like it came from further away, but still.

‘Sshh, you’re bein’ loud, wanna sleep,’ he murmurs, determinedly not opening his eyes, and trying to fall back asleep again.

‘Yeah, no, not gonna happen, bud,’ Nora then exclaims, before grabbing the  material of the hammock and unceremoniously turning it over so he falls out of it. He lands on the grass below it, so it’s not all too painful, but he still opens his eyes and glares up at her.

‘Ow! Nora, what the fuck?’  he exclaims.

‘Not, Nora, what the fuck,’ June says, before Nora can even answer that. ‘More like, what the fuck did you do, Alex?’ June looks both furious and concerned and… he truly hasn’t had enough sleep to even try and figure out what the fuck he did this time.

‘I don’t know? I was just here, trying to sleep!’ He makes no move to get up from where he’s sprawled on the grass, instead glaring up at his sister too.

‘While that explains your lack of response to the calls and texts,’ June starts.

‘Yeah, well, you try to stay awake after you didn’t sleep at all because you had to be up at 3 am for a flight,’ Alex interrupts.

‘Three? Damn. No wonder you look like shit,’ Nora whistles from above him, having taken up the space in the hammock now that she’s thrown him out of it.

‘Yeah, nice to see you too, Nora,’ Alex grumbles. 

‘As I was saying,’ June says, glaring at Nora as well, who just salutes her with a grin. ‘While that explains that , it doesn’t explain why I got a barrage of texts from Henry, of all people, asking if you’re alright?’ Alex blinks.

‘I mean, obviously , I checked the news, and called Cash, and I knew that you did your speech and were hanging out here, and I couldn’t find anything to warrant this so I thought that maybe something had happened between you two without us knowing but… from the looks of it, that’s not the case either?’ June goes on, while she looks him over concernedly. Alex is still blinking.

‘What the fuck do you mean, Bug?’ Alex asks then, patting his pockets for his phone, and then tapping his home screen to see if he got any messages from Henry. He has a lot of missed calls and texts from both June and Nora, a singular one from his dad to state he’s proud of him and go enjoy his week at the lakehouse, and some from Hannah seemingly stating that while she’s happy to be home, her siblings are already driving her nuts, but from Henry? Fucking radio silence.

‘You mean Henry didn’t text you? You don’t know what caused him to do this?’

‘Obviously.’ Alex waves his phone in front of her face, even if the screen has gone black again. ‘He didn’t text me , in any case. You sure it’s him, Bug?’ Because it makes absolutely no sense to him that Henry’d go to June, instead of him. Like, okay, if there’s been a major incident and there is a huge change Alex isn’t even able to respond, then, sure, he can get it, but this is obviously not the case, so what’s even going on?

‘They were a bit odd,’ June admits, frowning. 

‘True,’ Nora confirms, lounging in the hammock without a care in the world. 

‘Odd how?’ Alex asks, wary. Because it’s weird for it to be odd. He has no idea what’s going on, and why they’d be sent to June and not him, but if it’s odd? It makes fear bubble up within him, wrap around his heart, which has started to frantically beat within his chest. Because what if something’s wrong with Henry, or someone hijacked his phone to try and get his attention somehow, lure him somewhere? Or what if someone found out about them, tries to see if there is confirmation to be had by playing it through June, having stolen his phone, or access to it? His mind is swirling with possibilities, none of them good, and he needs to know what the fuck is going on right now.

‘Well, look,’ June says, unlocking her phone and pulling up the text thread with Henry, before turning her phone around and handing it to Alex so he can see it for himself. He accepts the phone with a slightly trembling hand he’ll deny to anyone who dares to call him out on it, but luckily both June and Nora aren’t mentioning it. Though, if they were, it probably would be flying over his head anyway, his eyes locked onto the texts on the phone he just got handed.

Henry

June, I know Ive no right to ask you this, but

Crhist

Just - is alex alright?

please, I just, I need to know

june?

im so sorry, you’re probably busy, or worryng about Alex, or ive fucked up too badly, because i know i wasnt off te hook

just, please

The fact that the messages are riddled with grammatical and spelling errors does nothing to ease Alex’ worries. This isn’t like Henry at all, and the hour and a bit gap in between the messages, followed by the increase in errors, aren’t making things better either. June hasn’t responded to them, but then, she was also on a flight when all these messages got sent, and it makes sense for her to ask Alex first. He doesn’t know when they talked and doesn’t understand the reference of Henry not being off the hook, even if he can make an educated guess, but that doesn’t matter. It’s not relevant right now. What is relevant is the fact that something is clearly bothering Henry about him and that he went to June about it, instead of asking him, and that fucking stings, especially considering there was no fucking reason for him to go directly to June. It’s not like he was fucking hospitalised anyway!

‘Do you see?’ June asks tentatively. She makes no move to take her phone back from Alex, who is still holding it with a trembling hand, but does lower herself down to be more at his level. 

‘Yeah,’ he says, still looking at the messages. ‘I’m gonna go call him,’ he decides then, shoving June’s phone back at her, and scrambling to take his own again.

‘What? Alex! Do you really think that’s a good idea?’ June exclaims.

‘Yeah, Alejandro, it doesn’t sound like the best idea.’ Nora actually sounds a bit worried, but Alex ignores this as he finally gets up from where he was sprawled on the grass. ‘I mean, you know him better than we do, but are you sure you want to do this?’

No.

‘Yes,’ he says instead. ‘Look - whatever the fuck is going on, whatever made him decide to text June all that, something is clearly not right, and while I’m frankly not too interested in knowing what the fuck is up, he can at least still owe me an explanation as to why he just didn’t reach out to me when he had zero reason to believe I wouldn’t be able to respond. He’s the one who wanted to remain friends, and while I agreed to try, I would argue that it would be the right thing to reach out to me first, and not this bullshit.’ It’s mostly true, in any case. While he doesn’t particularly want to know about what caused all this, it’s mainly because he’s just afraid of the answer. He can’t let himself get close to Henry, not again, and while he’s perfectly fine to act civil around him, act like they’re still friends, even if it hurts, it’s still something .

He just wishes he’d never known what having more was like.

Well, that’s not the truth either, because he wouldn’t want to give those memories up for the world, and he will forever be grateful for Henry for having shown him the truth and having been so kind and patient about it all, because he’s well aware of the fact that not everyone is this lucky. But still. He wishes Henry would at least have been easier to get over, and if that means he’s going to keep his distance and not get too emotionally involved in it all, he will.

And this kind of feels like he’s doing the opposite of all that.

‘Well, if you’re sure,’ June says. He really, really isn’t, but he nods anyway.

‘We’ll stay close,’ Nora promises. ‘Just in case you need us.’ Alex smiles, even if it doesn’t reach his eyes, before he unlocks his phone and goes straight to his contacts, walking away to have the phone call inside the house to have at least some modicum of privacy.

He ignores the fact that his hand is still trembling as he shuts the door mostly closed behind him, and hits call on the name he didn’t think he’d call any time soon again.

Henry answers the call almost immediately, and Alex shoves down any thoughts and feelings that bubble up at that. He refuses to look into what it means, both from Henry and to him, and brushes it off as sheer worry.

‘ Alex?’ The fact that his name falls from Henry’s lips in a sound that sounds absolutely broken, drenched in worry, disbelief, and hope? is also a thing that he very much shoves into a dark closet deep into his mind. He cannot think about that now.

‘Yeah,’ Alex answers, a tad curtly, trying not to imagine Henry wincing at that, and barreling on instead. ‘Care to explain why you send my sister a barrage of texts concerning me instead of, y’know, just asking me?’

The sniff on the other end of the line absolutely does not break his heart and absolutely does not cause any more worry on his end. It does not .

‘It’s just… I… Christ, Alex, I… are you alright?’ 

Alex frowns. It sounds like Henry is barely able to get the words out, like he’s crying that hard, but still…

‘That doesn’t answer my question, sweetheart.’ It’s possibly a bit mean, throwing out the pet name, especially considering Henry’s breath audibly hitches, but Alex is also running on only a couple of hours of sleep, and he does not have the patience for whatever this is. Maybe he’ll have some after he gets some answers, but now? No. He’ll decide how much of an answer he’ll give Henry once he gets his.

Not that there’s much of an answer to give, but that’s beside the point.

‘Alex, please ,’ Henry begs, voice all broken and wobbly and hitching, and Jesus Christ what the fuck is going on? ‘I just… Please, please . I can’t - I have to - All I can think of…’ Henry keeps breaking off his sentences, like he doesn’t even know what he wants to say, like he’s feeling so much that he can’t articulate it all, and the fact that his breath seems to be coming quicker isn’t helping matters either. Alex himself has started pacing, hand clenching and unclenching at his side, while he holds the phone in a death grip to his ear. It all doesn’t make sense , but Henry is not done talking either.

‘It’s just - and now too - I… I need it to be the truth, that’s why… June… Please -’ Alex’s brain screeches to a halt, and so does his pacing, almost losing his balance as he was mid-turn, pivoting on his heel.

‘Henry, what? Did you think I’d lie to you?’ It absolutely stings, because no matter what, he’d never intentionally lie to Henry. Not about serious things. He might skid around them, avoid them so he doesn’t have to tell him anything about it, focus on the small bits that are true, so he isn’t lying either, but outright lying? No.

‘No. Yes. I don’t know? I want to believe you, truly, I do, I just -’ A sob escapes Henry’s mouth, and it sounds like it got muffled quite quickly, as if Henry either choked it back, or slapped a hand over his mouth. Alex truly doesn’t know what to do here, but at least he got some kind of answer, hurtful though it may be, so maybe he should give an inch as well. Maybe he’s able to get a deeper answer after that.

‘I’m fine, Henry, truly,’ Alex says then. He’s not sure if Henry hears it, or even believes it, for the noise that he hears on the other end of the line is a choked one again. 

‘Are you sure ?’ Henry asks. And, honestly, what the fuck is going on? He’s well aware that he’s been thinking this thought almost continuously now, but it honest to god does not make any sense, and he wishes Henry was just able to say what the fuck he was thinking, so his needn’t drag on longer than it had to. Not that he doesn’t want to make sure that Henry is reassured, but this is also just… It’s a lot, and Alex isn’t sure if he’s able to fucking deal with this all at the same time.

‘Yeah. Henry… What on earth brought this all on?’ He runs the hand that he kept on clenching at his side through his hair, resumes his pacing. ‘I just… this doesn’t make any sense.’ He’s still not sure whether he wants to know, but maybe if he does, he can at least reassure him better and get this shit over with, so he can get plastered with June and Nora and maybe forget this entire conversation happened at all.

‘But are you sure, sure ?’  The desperation is bleeding through, raw, painful, and it absolutely breaks Alex’ heart. ‘This is not… It’s just… Last time -’ Henry hiccups on the other end of the line, voice still trembling, his breathing still loud and heavy.

‘H, I really need you to be blunt with me here,’ Alex says, a tad impatient. He is truly not awake enough to connect all the dots Henry so clearly seems to want him to connect. He vaguely wonders if Henry is even able to vocalise what he means to say, but on the other hand, he’s not there to see his facial expressions, his gestures, to help him put it all together, and he refuses to go and switch to FaceTime. He cannot see Henry cry, because he’s fairly sure he will break down himself. Hearing it is hard enough already.

‘Alex,’ Henry whispers. It sounds terrified, and for a moment he wonders if someone else has joined the room, Mary perhaps, but he didn’t hear another voice, so it can’t be that, but before he wonders about what else it could possibly be, Henry continues. ‘You’ve lost so much weight.’ Okay, and? He was busy with Law school, he forgot to eat at times, so what? ‘And you looked so pale and…’ He hiccups again, and Alex still isn’t fucking getting it.

‘It’s just… I can’t help… My dad…’ Henry cuts off with a sob again and. Oh. 

Oh .

Fuck.

Suddenly, Alex gets it. Puts together all the pieces, the puzzle finally slotting the fuck together, and his breath leaves his chest like he’s been fucking punched. He staggers to the couch, lowers himself on it, has no idea what to think, how to handle this. He knew he hadn’t seen the sun much, had forgotten to eat, but he truly hadn’t thought it was that bad. But for Henry to have noticed? To go straight into panic mode? Maybe it was worse than he thought.

Fuck.

No wonder Nora and June and Hannah were so worried.

‘I… Henry, Jesus.’ What is he fucking meant to say?

‘Alex, just… Please. If it’s the case just… I need… I can’t not…’ Alex is slowly starting to get an idea what Henry is meant to say, and he still can’t get a fucking word out.

‘Hen -’ he starts, looking for the words he needs to find to reassure Henry. He knows he isn’t ill. June dragged him to the White House Staff doctor at Easter for a full checkup because she was worried. He’s fine . But just telling him that doesn’t seem like it’s enough. Like Henry is going to believe him.

‘I - I can handle it,’ Henry says then, and it shatters his heart even more to hear how Henry is clearly trying to be brave, even with his voice trembling, his breathing still coming out faster than normal, bracing for the worst. 

Alex thinks, and this is not the first time he’s done so, that Henry is the bravest motherfucker he’s ever met. He only wishes he would use that bravery to fight for what he really wants, for his happiness, the chance to be who he truly is.

Alex immediately backtracks at the latter half of that thought, feeling sick to his stomach to even think that. It’s selfish of him, really, and he doesn’t want to be, has no right to be, not when he’s also aware of the fact that facing this and facing turning your back on everything you’ve ever known are two wildly different things. He truly cannot let his thoughts go this way. It’s not fair.

‘Alex?’ Henry asks again, and fuck, how long has he been in his thoughts? He shakes his head, tries to keep calm, because Henry sure as hell sounds like he’s truly starting to panic and he cannot make this worse. Not when there is no reason for it to be.

‘I’m still here,’ he promises. ‘I’m just…’ He gestures with his hand, before realising Henry can’t even see it. It doesn’t matter much, though.

‘Oh Christ, no , no no no ,’ Henry mutters, absolutely panicking now and, fuck, he really can’t do anything right, can he? Fuck, fuck, fuck .

‘Henry, please, I promise you, I’m not ill, I’m sure of it,’ Alex quickly says, but it’s seemingly no use, for Henry’s breathing doesn’t seem to be slowing down at all.

‘Come on, lo-, Hen, please, just breathe, it’s okay, I promise, breathe with me, okay?’ He starts to exaggerate his breathing, hopes that Henry can hear it, can listen. Counts out loud, so Henry can hopefully try to follow along, muttering encouragement whenever he can. 

It does work, eventually. Alex has no idea how long it takes, whether it’s just a few minutes, or a lot longer than that, but he doesn’t care. All he cares about is that it actually works, and Henry’s breathing is back to relatively normal.

‘You good, now?’ Alex asks, once they’re there. He rubs a hand over his face, exhausted, and he can only wonder how exhausted Henry must be on the other end of the line. Still, he doesn’t dare hang up, not yet, not until he’s made it abundantly clear that he is not ill, and Henry actually manages to believe it.

‘I’m sorry,’ Henry chokes out, breathing still sounding ragged, but Alex figures that's to be expected.

‘Hey, don’t be sorry. Not necessary. You had a panic attack, and you don’t get to apologise for that, okay? Do you have someone there who can keep an eye on you? Bea, perhaps?’ Alex doesn’t quite trust him to be okay on his own, not after this. He’s not sure who is there, though he does know Pez is meant to be in London at the moment, but having Henry be alone? It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

‘No,’ Henry hiccups. ‘Bea’s in Scotland.’ Of course she is. Not that he blames Bea, because he knows she would do anything for Henry, but it just seems too fucking convenient to have her be away, especially when Henry also had to visit that ward and -

Oh.

Fucking shit. 

That probably made things a lot worse too, especially so close to Arthur’s anniversary, and Mary probably knew and… Jesus .

‘Oh,’ Alex says, stupidly, before taking his phone off his ear and putting it to speaker, if only so he can pull up his text tread with Pez and start texting him. If he is right and he is in London, he’d no doubt drop everything to check in on Henry.

‘Well, that’s not helpful,’ he continues, as he rapidly fires a text to Pez, asking if he’s indeed in London. ‘Anyway, as I was saying,’ Alex goes on, truly not wanting Henry to spiral again and having to repeat the process. ‘I can promise you I’m not ill. June dragged me to a doctor for a check-up, I’m fine.’ 

‘You- you’re not having me on?’ Henry asks. Alex sighs, truly wanting to rattle Henry for that, but also getting a tad distracted by a confirmation from Pez that he is indeed in London, asking what’s wrong or if he finally made up his mind about working in the shelter.

‘It’s, it’s just… We had to pretend, for a while, with dad, to the public, so it’s not that I don’t… It’s just…’ Oh.

‘You’re scared this is just me protecting myself from the outside world so the press doesn’t find out until I’d be ready to share?’ Alex supplies, as he fires off another text to Pez, asking him to check in on Henry.

‘Yes,’ Henry confirms.

‘Yeah, no, truly not the case, here. I promise you.’ Another text from Pez, asking what’s wrong, but agreeing to go to Henry right away at the same time. ‘It’s just that law school exams were happening, and 1L is also a hell in and out of itself besides that, so I was basically studying my ass off either at home or at the library, and I may have forgotten to eat a couple of times because I lost track of time.’ More than a couple of times, but Henry probably understands that. If anyone knew him, it was him, after all. He shoots off another text in the meantime, not telling anything to Pez, for it’s not his story to tell, but luckily Pez is well aware of how serious it is, considering it’s Alex who’s reaching out to him on Henry’s behalf. If anyone knows the full story from both of their sides, it would be him. It therefore comes as no surprise to Alex that Pez lets him know he’s on his way, and would be there in fifteen minutes tops. Alex sighs at that, turning off speakerphone and raising the device back up to his ear. 

‘You’re certain that’s all it is?’ Henry asks, voice small. Alex pinches the bridge of his nose.

‘Yes. Honestly, Henry, do you need me to send you the full work up or something? I promise you, that’s all. I didn’t realise it’d gotten that bad, or that it was that noticeable, and I’m sorry for making you worry, but I don’t know what else I can do to get you to believe me.’ He’s a bit frustrated, sure, but he really doesn’t know what else to do. He doesn’t want to send it up, doesn’t really feel like Henry deserves it, but he also needs to get his point across and he’s honestly at his wits end as to how to do that.

‘I - no. Thank you.’ Alex frowns. He didn’t think Henry would refuse it, given how he seemed to struggle with believing him, but he’s also not going to look a gifted horse in the mouth, here.

‘You believe me, then?’ he asks, because he has to. He can’t not ask.

‘I’m trying to.’ Which, okay, doesn’t sting at all, or something. He’s truly trying to not let it hurt him, especially because he never willingly lied to Henry, and he knows this all can’t be easy for Henry, given his experiences with it all. It’s just… it still does , and he hates that he feels that way.

‘Okay,’ Alex says, slowly. ‘Is there anything I can do to make it… better, or something?’ Not that he’s got any clue how, or what he’d actually be willing to do, because he can’t let himself get that close to Henry, not now, but he can at least offer, right? Try and be a good friend.

‘No,’ Henry says, sounding even more sad, and hopeless, and defeated, than he did before. ‘Not unless you can make the upcoming days disappear, so I don’t have to go through with…’ A soft sniffle can be heard on the other end of the line, but Alex feels like that’s understandable. It can’t be easy, having to go through the days surrounding the anniversary of your father’s passing, let alone the day itself, but he also can’t take the pain of that away.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says, genuinely, at a loss for what else to say. Henry sniffles again.

‘’s Not your fault,’ he murmurs, voice thick with emotion, and the fact that he’s not even saying that in the way he normally does, with proper pronunciation, makes his heart hurt even more.

‘Still -’

‘No.’ Henry cuts him off. ‘It’s not… you didn’t do… it’s not your fault. Just… just promise me you’ll take better care of yourself?’ His tone is pleading, but even if it wasn’t, Alex didn’t think he could actually say no to many things, especially when they came from Henry.

He really had to go work on that.

‘Yeah, I can definitely try.’ He was self-aware enough that this was all he could promise him, even if it was also in a large part motivated by the fact that he would have June, Nora, and Hannah raging at him if he didn’t get it together, and he figured he’d also owe them an apology for making them worry this much.

‘I suppose that’s all I can ask for,’ Henry says, voice still trembling, still sad, but it also sounds a bit relieved, and honestly? Alex is gonna take that.

‘Are you going to be okay, now?’ Alex asks him, tentatively. He hasn’t heard telltale sounds from Pez appearing yet, knows it could still be a couple of minutes, really, but he also can’t let this go on for too long. He’s tired, sad, worried, heartbroken, and he needs a couple of moments to just process all this, and then maybe get stupidly drunk with Nora and June. He’s got no doubt in his mind that they won’t ask for the story, at least in broad lines, and give their insight into it as well, but he'll take that for what it is. Maybe it’s just the kick in the butt that he needs to get his ass back in proper gear again, if this conversation hadn’t already done the trick.

‘Don’t worry about me,’ Henry murmurs. It’s soft, so soft, that Alex barely is able to hear it, and it absolutely does not ease his worries about him at all. But Henry isn’t done. ‘You’ve got yourself to worry about first, okay? I’ll be fine, just like always.’ Which, honestly, wasn’t fine at all, but what was he meant to do? It wasn’t like Henry was actively trying to get out of that life anyway - on the contrary, he seemed to get even more entangled, what with the entire situation with Emily, that Alex still barely knew about. 

Not that it was any of his business, anymore.

‘If you’re certain?’ 

‘I kind of have to be, don’t I? I - hold on a second.’ There’s noises in the background, doors slamming, and, above all, Alex can hear the voice of Pez, calling out for Henry, worried, as always.

‘I gotta go,’ Alex says then, not even bothering to wait for an answer. Pez is there now. All will be fine. ‘I’ll leave you guys to it.’ 

‘Alex, wait -’ Henry calls out, but Alex doesn’t wait. Instead, he says his goodbyes and hangs up, throwing his phone face down next to him on the couch, and burying his face into both of his hands, suddenly weary. 

Nora and June waste no time coming inside, sliding open the not fully closed door, and inserting themselves in his space. He doesn’t mind, not really. Henry is their friend too, or, was, in any case, and it’s clear that the both of them were also worried about him.

‘You okay, lil’ bit?’ June asks him, sinking down on the couch next to him, hands in her lap.

‘’m Fine. ‘t Was just draining, ‘s all.’ He sighs, but doesn’t bother pulling his hands away from his face. ‘Henry saw the speech, thought I was ill. Got a bit too reminded of what happened with his dad, though I suppose with the timing of it all…’ He lifts one hand away from his face, gesticulates in the air, as if the words he wants to say but doesn’t have can be found there.

‘Pez is with him now,’ he finishes, finally pulling his other hand back from his face, but keeping his eyes closed as he lets himself fall back into the couch cushions. 

‘You called Pez?’ Nora asks.

‘Texted,’ Alex corrected. ‘I just… didn’t think he should be alone. Not when he’s this upset. He seemed more calm just now, but… It wasn’t pretty.’ 

‘And you’re sure you’re okay?’ June asks. ‘It’s truly okay if you’re not,’ she adds. Alex sighs, knows he’s safe with the both of them, but while he’s worried and heartbroken for Henry, he knows he’s also been in worse states of mind, so he says: ‘Yeah. I’m fine. I just… I worried you all, didn’t I? I’m sorry, I just… I didn’t realise how bad it was.’

‘Well, at least you’re seeing it now,’ Nora comments, sitting upside down in a chair, legs thrown over the back of it. ‘So the question is, really, what are you going to do about it?’ 

‘I dunno,’ Alex admits, because he hasn’t gotten that far. Maybe he should make a list. ‘I guess I could set more reminders on my phone?’ He grabs it as he speaks, swiping away all notifications, bar the one from Pez, who simply texts him that he’s got Henry. He quickly replies with a thumbs up and a thank you, before closing the app and opening up his notes.

‘That’s a start,’ June hums.

‘I could pre-make dishes on the days I have time, so I just need to heat them up.’ He mutters, as he types that down as well. He doesn’t know how good it is, especially considering he doesn’t know if he can even make the time, but it’s something to consider, right?

‘Alejandro,’ Nora says, looking up at him. ‘Have you thought about maybe getting a roommate?’

‘Huh?’ Alex says.

‘I’m just saying. Not that you can’t look after yourself if you’re like, not, absolutely swamped, because you absolutely can. I just thought, like, it could just motivate you to go eat and look after yourself if someone else in the same house is just making themselves food, or going to bed.’ 

‘I don’t need someone to babysit me, Nora,’ Alex frowns.

‘That’s not what she’s saying,’ June says. Nora just points at her. ‘She doesn’t mean that this person needs to be all up in your space to tell you it’s time for dinner, even if it could be a bonus. It’s just, hm. Like, don’t you get hungry, or don’t you realise you’re hungry, if you’re like, going somewhere, and you pass a restaurant, and you could smell the food they’re making? They don’t even need to be making it for you specifically, but it could just be an extra reminder.’

While Alex could definitely see what she meant, it just… didn’t feel right. Not really. He didn’t want to be a burden to someone else, drive them away, or go through the process of even getting to know someone who might only apply just because he was FSOTUS. It was too much.

‘I don’t know,’ he says, honestly. ‘I wouldn’t… I can’t… Who would want to deal with that?’ Nora frowns, turning herself sideways, so her legs now dangle over the armrest. June just looks sad, and he averts his eyes from her as soon as he can. He cannot deal with that, thanks.

‘Isn’t Hannah looking for a new place to live?’ June asks, frowning too.

‘I mean, yeah?’ Alex says. ‘Her roommate was an absolute nightmare, and that’s besides the fact that they didn’t get along. Not paying for stuff on time, stealing her stuff, never cleaning up… There was more, but I think you get the gist of it.’ It hadn’t taken long for Hannah to start complaining about her, but unfortunately, she’d signed a contract, and hadn’t been able to move out until the end of the year. Hannah hadn’t found anything new yet, but she was confident that she would.

‘Why not ask her?’ Nora asks.

‘I can’t do that!’ Alex protests. 

‘Why not?’ June interjects.

‘Because! What if she doesn’t want to live with me? And then there’s the fact that the press already assumes that we’re dating, and it’ll only blow up from there, won’t it?’ Alex very well knew that Hannah had offered to fake date him if necessary, but did that even still stand, now that she knew him better? Besides, it wouldn’t just be her who would face the scrutiny. Her family would too.

‘I mean, I suppose, but she also never seemed the type who would care,’ June says. 

‘Besides,’ Nora adds. ‘I don’t think she would turn it down. She needs a place, she already knows how you are and hangs out with you often, I’d say the odds are at 8% that she would say no. There’s no harm in asking, Ale.’

‘If you’re sure…’ It would be nice, having someone there who he actually gets along with, and Hannah isn’t the person to put up with bullshit either.

‘Look, you only should do it if it’s something you could see yourself actually want, but I think you could help each other out here. You could always try it, just for a year, right? But if you think it could be a good idea, I’d say give her a call.’ June looks up at him encouragingly, so Alex swallows, smiles, and grabs his phone.

‘I didn’t necessarily mean right now,’ June adds.

‘Why not? Might as well get it over with,’ Nora says, lifting a shoulder in a shrug. ‘Put her on speaker if you’re going to do it here with us, would you? Then we can say hi.’ 

‘As if you wouldn’t shout that anyway,’ Alex counters, calling Hannah, and hitting the speakerphone button anyway.

‘Point,’ Nora concedes. 

‘Alex, my man!’ Hannah says, having picked up the phone. ‘How’s big ol’ Texas treating you?’ 

‘Fine,’ Alex answers. Hannah huffs.

‘Well, no need to sound so enthusiastic. What happened?’ 

‘Nothing! Just… I spoke to Henry, he was worried, that’s all.’ 

‘He’s had a bit of a realisation,’ Nora butts in.

‘Traitor,’ Alex says, glaring at Nora. Nora, for her sins, just shoots him a saccharine smile.

‘Ah, yeah, that checks out,’ Hannah says.

‘The fuck do you mean?’ Alex asks indignantly. 

‘It means exactly what I said,’ Hannah says. ‘So, what kind of revelation did you have?’ 

‘That’s not an answer,’ Alex pouts. 

‘It is, actually,’ Nora pipes up. Alex flips her the finger.

‘But… I don’t know. That I need to take better care of myself? Maybe have a roommate?’ 

‘Proud of you, mate, for getting there,’ Hannah says. ‘Is that where I come in? Or did you call me to see if I had any suggestions to add?’ 

‘I mean, the first, really, but, you have suggestions?’ Alex frowns.

‘Hmhm,’ Hannah hums. ‘If this is your convoluted way of saying you want me as a roommate, then you’re doing a shit job of it,’ she states. ‘But yes, I did have a suggestion. If you’re open to it, anyway.’ 

‘So nice of you,’ Alex mutters.

‘I try. But that’s not an answer to either, bud.’ 

‘I know! Jesus. Like, look, if you’re still looking for a roommate, you could move in with me, if you want? It does mean that you gotta deal with the press and-’

‘Yes,’ Hannah interrupts.

‘- they’d think tha- What?’ 

‘Like I said, yes. It’d probably be a media circus, but it’s fine. I’d be out of that hellhole, and you know I’d kick your ass into gear. You might want to get rid of me by the end of the month, but if you’re willing to take that risk, I’m down.’

‘Told you,’ Nora says.

‘You’re sure?’ 

‘Yeah. Have I ever said anything I did not mean?’ Hannah asks.

‘Well, no.’ 

‘That’s settled then. We can discuss it in person when we see each other next, I assume? Then we’ve also got more time to nail things down, right?’ Hannah says. ‘I’m sure you also need to arrange things security wise and whatnot, so I’ll leave that to you.’ 

‘Uh, yeah, true.’ Alex honestly is a bit blind sided by it all, not expecting it would’ve gone that smooth. Nora and June both seem unsurprised by the entire turn of events, and actually marginally more relaxed. He can’t say they’re wrong about that, and it does feel like he’s a bit lighter now they’ve agreed on this. He just hopes he won’t fuck up his friendship with Hannah beyond repair once they actually live together.

‘Okay, so, now, that second part,’ Hannah moves on, like the roommate thing was just an afterthought. Alex is impressed by that at times, her ability to just glide from one thing to the next, without seemingly a care in the world. ‘Do you want to hear it or not? And absolutely feel free to tell me to fuck off, it’s just… something that I’ve been wondering about for quite some time, and I didn’t know if you’d be open to it.’ That. Absolutely does not sound terrifying at all.

‘Okay?’ Alex says, dragging out the syllables, confused. June and Nora both sit up at this, frowns on their faces. Clearly they don’t know what she’s going to suggest, either.

‘Have you considered seeing a therapist?’ Hannah asks. 

‘What? No? Why would I need a therapist?’ Alex asks. 

‘That’s not a bad idea, actually,’ Nora hums. 

‘What?’

‘I’m just saying,’ Hannah says. ‘And please hear me out. If it’s bullshit, feel free to shut it down at any point but. Let’s be honest here. You’re in the spotlight, have been from your late teens, and that’s a lot of shit and weight to pull on anyone’s shoulders. Add to that the fact well… We’ve been worried about you, and at this point… I don’t know. You put so much on your shoulders, and it’s admirable, really. I really don’t know how you do it. But it also means you forget to take care of yourself? It seems like you’ve realised that now? In a way? Which is good! Don’t get me wrong! But, I just… The way you tackle things… it reminds me of my friends a bit? I dunno if you’ve met them, not that it matters much. But, Alex, most of them have ADHD, and it got me wondering, and I’m not a psychiatrist by any means, but the way they talked to me about it, it reminded me so much of you, that I’m just here like, asking myself, have you ever been assessed for it?’

‘Oh my god,’ Nora says, at the same time June goes: ‘Wait a minute.’ Alex, for his part, blinks.

‘No?’ 

‘How did we not see?’ Nora goes on. ‘It makes so much sense.’ 

‘What?’ Alex says again. He feels like he’s been repeating that word a lot, actually, but he can’t seem to find any others.

‘Huh,’ Hannah says. ‘Maybe it’s something you should look into. But, if anything, I think a psychiatrist is maybe a good thing, anyway. It can’t be easy, with the press and scrutiny and all that, and who knows, they might help you with some ways to not forget to look after yourself on top of it. There’s only so much we can suggest and help you out with, after all.’ 

‘I…’ Alex says.

‘Just think about it. You needn’t give an answer, or promise anything in regard to that,’ Hannah goes on. ‘You can also just tell me to fuck off and tell me it’s none of my business. I won’t be offended. Just wanted to throw the thought out there.’ 

‘I - Okay…’ He truly does not know what to say. June and Nora clearly seem to agree that it’s something he ought to do, but… It doesn’t make sense. He can handle things just fine. Sure, he’s also been kicking it underwater a lot, but isn’t that normal? It almost seems not to be the case, not if Hannah says he needs more help than just lists upon lists upon lists.

What the fuck even is this day, really?

‘Cool. Sleep on it a few nights, don’t make a hasty decision. It’s way too personal for that, anyway. Now, was that all? Not that I don’t like talking to you guys, but my mother is downstairs yelling at me to hurry up. We’re off to go and do something. Dunno what, but oh well. It’s probably going to be fun, anyway.’

‘Yeah, no, that was all. Go have fun. I’ll talk to you later,’ Alex says, still reeling from everything.

‘Cool. Thanks. Have fun in Texas! Bye June, bye Nora! Lovely to talk to you as well!’ And with that, Hannah cheerily hangs up. Alex slowly lowers his phone, staring at it, his mind running a mile a minute and Jesus, he needs to not think for a while.

‘You don’t have to make any decision, Alex, you know that, right?’ June asks. ‘Like Hannah says, think about it. But I don’t think it could hurt. Just… give it a thought.’ 

‘Okay,’ he promises. He can at least do that, right?

‘Awesome. Do you want to think now, or drink away everything and celebrate the holidays and do all that later?’ Nora asks, getting up from her chair. 

‘Let’s go have a drink,’ he decides. Thinking about it is best once he’s got some decent sleep, after all.

The days in Texas that follow are mainly spent drinking, swimming, sleeping, and eating. Alex pointedly ends up not doing much thinking at all, more intent to avoid it all and just relax and have fun in ways he hasn’t managed to do in literal months. That doesn’t mean he isn’t also busy, what with the (minimal) prep he needs to do for Pride, what with him being a marshall, but he tries to avoid anything that has to do with the possibility of asking for help, especially from a therapist. He also really does not want to think about Henry, avoids the places like the bedroom where they used to sleep as much as he can, and refuses to go along to the karaoke bar with June and Nora, instead opting to sleep as much as he can. But it doesn’t mean he can avoid it all. 

Henry did end up texting him later. Just the singular text, thanking him for sending Pez his way. Alex had replied with nothing more than a thumbs up emoji, before throwing his phone to the side again, not wanting to think about it further, but ending up doing it anyway. He can’t help it, not when the fact that Henry was also deeply worried was the catalyst for him realising how bad it was. 

Maybe he does need that therapist.

Still, he shelves it for now, soaking up as much sun as he can, and eating his body weight in Mexican food, and it does seem to have worked somehow, for, when he goes out to be a Marshall, and ends up having his pictures plastered all over the internet, he comes back to find a couple of texts on his phone. All from Henry.

His Royal Highness Prince Dickhead

I’m proud of you, Alex. You truly look like you had the best time, and I’ve got to say, you look a lot better now. 

But also - I’m sorry. I truly wish it didn’t happen, least of all now, and believe me when I say we’ve fought it, wanted to postpone it, didn’t want it to overshadow the more important stuff, but our hands were forced.

I’m so, so sorry.

It makes no sense to Alex, not at first. That is, until he opens the news alerts, and gets his answer, his heart shattering into a million pieces all over again, as he blinks away the tears that immediately cloud his vision, and sinks down on the first possible surface that he stumbles into, all pride related euphoria wiped away from his feelings in one sweeping motion.

Prince Henry of Wales & Emily Cholmondeley engaged to be married

Chapter Text

‘Well, that wasn’t dreadful at all,’ Emily says as she enters the room in which Henry is sitting, a scowl on her face, before letting herself fall down on the couch opposite the chair he’s occupying. Henry lifts a brow, marking the page in the book he’s been reading and putting it away.

‘What happened?’ he asks. It’s still utterly strange, having Emily around more often now. He supposes that is to be expected, considering their engagement, and it’s not as if he dislikes her either. On the contrary - they’ve been friends for a long time now, bonding over their love of books and shared experiences.

Namely the fact that they’re both deeply gay.

Like himself, Emily is in no position to come out. Her parents are about as accepting of it all as his grandmother and brother are, and while it didn’t stop her from seeing a girl named Laura she met at uni, it did stop her from being public about it. Unlike him, however, she chose to continue her relationship, all in secret, excused away as them being close friends. Henry didn’t mind, even actively encouraged her. If it was something she wanted, and felt like she could do, he would. It was bad enough for the both of them to be in this situation at all; if he could make it easier on her, he would.

It did make him feel rather jealous, at times, but Henry was very much aware of the fact that he had no ground to stand on. He was the one who let Alex go, not the other way around. So even if he felt lonely at times, craved the feeling of being loved, and getting to love in return, in the way he so desperately wanted to, he knew it wasn’t in the cards for him, and he had to learn to live with that.

‘It’s just… it’s so boring? Like, don’t get me wrong, I get that it’s a royal wedding and all that, but honestly, I could give less of a shit about it all? I mean, I understand that we’ve got some kind of standard to uphold, but what are they expecting? That I fully engage myself in organising it all, giving my opinion, when all I want is for it to not be my dream wedding because, frankly, it isn’t. No offense.' Emily shoots him an apologetic look, but Henry waves it away.

‘None taken.’ It is, after all, not his dream wedding either. He had known it would’ve happened at some point, that he had no chance of avoiding a marriage to a girl, but he understood her intention to keep some things for herself, just in case she could have the wedding she truly wanted, with the person she truly wanted to spend her life with, instead of the consolation prize that Henry was. 

At least they were able to cover for each other, this way, until it was safe - and possible - for both of them to be free to be who they were. If that could ever happen. Henry continues to hope it’ll be the case, at least for her, even if it brings scandal upon the family. He doesn’t quite care, not when another person gets to be unapologetic about who they are, instead of having to hide away. Everyone deserves to have that.

‘You’re sweet,’ Emily says with a grin from where she’s sprawled. ‘Still. It’s just… God, I wish they could just decide and we could just veto a colour, or some food selection we both hate. But no, it’s endless meetings upon meetings. Like, it’s one thing to have royal training, to make sure I at least don’t embarrass any one of you, even if I couldn’t care less about doing such to your brother or your gran. Again, no offence.’ 

‘None taken,’ Henry repeats, grinning. It’s part of why he enjoys being around Emily so much. She can be quite petty if she wants to, isn’t above malicious compliance either, and will be as polite as possible and still manage to piss people off, without them being able to call her out on it, if she feels up to it. It’s a talent he wishes he had, at times.

‘Not that I would try and ruin anything between you and them, or me and them, because I’d rather them not have anything to hold over my head if I can avoid it, and I trust your gran and brother as much as I have the faith in my parents to accept me for who I am, which is to say, no faith at all, as you know. But… I don’t know. I guess I felt like I would have more time about it all, and not be thrown into wedding prep immediately like it has to happen tomorrow. It’s horrid enough that it got announced during Pride Month of all times, and we had to be paraded around during the Trooping the Colour. Like I get that that’s an annual thing, but… it feels like it was meant to draw the attention away from the things that matter the most. I know we’ve discussed this before but. God, it just bothers me.’ She lets her head fall back against the cushions, defeated, and Henry doesn’t know what to do.

It is true that they’ve discussed this before, had both expressed their disdain for it being announced now, during Pride, a knife in the heart, a tightening of the shackles as a reminder they can never be who they want to be, especially not of if it’s up to Mary, or even Philip. A reminder to be who the Crown wants them to be, nothing more, nothing less. A hint to tell them to stay in line, not do anything untoward, and that those deviant desires better not be happening again.

Henry’d felt nauseous, having had to propose, doing a photoshoot in front of the press not long after that, having to pretend to be happy, when his heart felt shredded in too many pieces. The looming anniversary of his fathers death, the desperately wanting to join Pride, shout from the rooftops that he was one of them, the lingering fear about Alex, even if he’d called them, got him through a panic attack, had arranged for Pez to check in on him without needing to be prompted. The fact that this also slammed a nail in the proverbial coffin, a true end of an era, officially keeping him away from Alex forever, if he would even still love him after all this time, let alone agree to take him back. He wouldn’t blame him if he wasn’t interested anymore.

But then, having had him at all was a dream he knew he’d wake up from eventually. It did not do to dream any further, or to keep on wishing. It wasn’t like it was ever going to come true anyway. At least he had the memories to look back on, the shirt he still wore, from time to time, when he needed it the most, the emails, still safe and sound in his inbox, a tangible reminder of better times, there to give him hope that there maybe was light at the end of the tunnel after all, if only he kept on walking long enough to actually be able to see it.

‘Unfortunately, what we deem important, doesn’t seem important in the eyes of… others,’ Henry says. ‘I’m sorry, I know it’s not encouraging to say the least, and I wish I could make it easier on you.’ 

‘Hey, none of that,’ Emily cuts him off, pulling herself upright so she can properly look him in the eye. ‘I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to marry you. Sure, it might be even more bonkers than I thought it was going to be, but I was under no illusions that it was going to be easy. Besides, you’ve been doing what you can. I don’t blame you for this shitty situation at all. We’re making the best of it that we can, and, well, if I had to marry a guy, I’m at least glad it’s someone like you.’ She smiles at him encouragingly, the action of it making her blue eyes crinkle a bit. Henry tries to smile back, thankful, but while she is saying these lovely words, he does struggle to believe it.

Because while he did always fantasise about being married, being a husband someday, maybe even a father, he’s also under no illusions that he is possibly not the best person to be married to. The fact that he can never love a woman the way he’d love a man is one thing, obviously, even if that’s less of an issue with Emily than it had been with someone who would genuinely fall in love with him. Another matter, of course, is the entire pressure of the crown. Emily is probably in a better position than anyone else to understand it, at least to some extent, considering she is part of the royalty, even far removed, and mainly through her parents, carrying no title herself, but still. It isn’t a life he would wish on anyone. And then there’s the fact that he’s got crippling depression, made even worse by all of this. His medication, heightened, thanks to all of this, is only doing so much, and while he appreciates it helping him better than it would have had it not been upped, it’s only so much it can do. He doesn’t want to check out more often, be holed up and unable to do anything but lie in bed and watch bake-off on repeat. Emily deserves better than that. Hell, anyone would deserve better than that. So for Emily to say she’s still glad it’s someone like him? He appreciates it, but believing it is truly another thing entirely. 

‘That’s kind of you,’ Henry says. Emily reaches out, pats him on the arm.

‘We could all do with more kindness.’ She sighs, falls back on the couch again, blonde hair a halo around her face. ‘Because if anyone just starts being cruel just because they’re treated as such, the world becomes a shittier place, and it’s shit enough as it is.’ 

Before she can say anything else, or Henry can answer, for that matter, there’s two knocks on the door before it’s almost immediately being opened. Henry isn’t expecting any visitors, and clearly Emily wasn’t told about anyone following close after her either, for she almost managed to jump a foot in the air despite lying on the couch, and falling off of it and ending up in a heap on the floor in the process.

‘Shit, bloody buggering hell ,’ Emily mutters, as she gets herself upright again, only to freeze in the middle of doing that, and almost toppling over again, as she comes face to face with Catherine. Henry, for his part, can only stare at his mum, for she’s the last person he’d be expecting.

Or, one of the last, anyway. He’d suspect he’d place Alex and his family and friends lower than that. But then, they’re in America, so he feels like the point stands regardless.

‘Mum?’ he asks, right as Emily stammers: ‘Oh my god, I am so sorry, I didn’t know.’ 

Catherine laughs, the sound foreign to Henry’s ears, and he’s reminded of how much he’s missed his mum. She’s been getting back to them, slowly, over the past few weeks, ever since she’d heard the news he was getting married. Henry doesn’t trust it, despite wanting to, desperately. He fears that this is only because of the fact that he is getting married and that he is going to lose her all over again once that’s all done. But still, she has been more present than he’s seen her in years, so he also isn’t able to tamper the hope, to quieten it. It’s a difficult thing, really.

‘Don’t worry about it,’ says his mum, waving it away with a careless wave of her hand. ‘These are your private quarters. Or… not yours yet, I suspect, but… still. No need to keep it all up for me. I’ve seen a lot worse from my husband and children.’ She shoots a wink at Emily, before turning to Henry, suddenly a tad more hesitant. Or maybe it’s just him imagining that.

‘I was actually wondering if I could have a moment of your time, Henry? It’s nothing to worry about, I promise you. I just thought we could maybe have a stroll around the gardens? Maybe David could come along, if he wants to have a walk?’ 

David, who has been lounging in his dog bed in front of the window and in the sun, merely opens one of his eyes, before getting up, pointedly turning himself the other way around, and going back to sleep.

‘Ah, I don’t think he feels particularly inclined to join us,’ Henry says, as Emily lets out a snort. ‘But, yes, of course, that sounds lovely.’ It actually sounds nerve-wracking, to be honest, considering he can’t recall he was last alone with his mother for longer than a couple of minutes, but he won’t say no to her. He’s rather interested in what she has to say, and the fact that she allowed David to come hopefully means she understands him still, even after all those years.

He’s still trying not to get his hopes up, but it’s a traitorous little thing anyway.

‘Shall we, then?’ she suggests. He nods, stands up.

‘I’ll be back soon,’ Henry tells Emily. 

‘Yeah, yeah, don’t rush on my account. I’ll find some way to enjoy myself. Don’t worry about me.’ Henry isn’t particularly worried about her, but he nods all the same, sending her a smile as she waves the two of them off.

It doesn’t take long for Henry and his mum to find themselves outside. Little has been said between them as they made their way out, but Henry doesn’t particularly mind. Whatever his mum wants to tell him, or wants his time for, it’s probably better for everyone involved if they’re out of earshot of most of the staff. While he does tend to trust them, he also is never sure if there’s someone amongst them who filters information back to his gran, and the more he stays out of her sight and the longer he manages to fly under her radar, the better it is.

‘So, how have you been doing?’ his mum asks, once they’ve got a solid distance between themselves and the palace, and are making their way across the grounds. It isn’t a question he has been expecting, even if it is a normal thing to ask someone.

‘I’ve been okay,’ he answers. Just like always. Dealing with the stress that comes with planning a wedding, angry and defeated because he has to get married and can’t be who he is… and while Henry is aware that doesn’t necessarily equate to being okay, he also knows that he has been way worse, was there, even, a couple of weeks back, and so okay feels like a good answer. He isn’t quite sure his therapist would agree with him on it but, honestly? He hasn’t got a better word for it, and he also feels like he can’t explain it all to his mother. Not yet, maybe not ever again, but at least not now.

‘That’s good, that’s good,’ she says. ‘And the wedding preparations? How is that going?’ Catherine asks then. It is a little comforting that she seems as out of her depth as Henry feels, he notes. It saddens him too, for he wishes it wouldn’t have been the case between them, but it isn’t like he can change anything about it, but move forward and see if they can somehow repair it, little by little.

He also hopes that it won’t backfire, if he’s entirely honest.

‘It’s… okay? I don’t know. There’s a lot going on, and we’ve only just started, and it also feels like it’s mostly out of our hands? On the other hand, there is also a lot riding on us and how we feel about things, and things we are expected to make a decision on even if we don’t particularly have an opinion? It’s strange, honestly.’ 

‘Hmm, it’s a lot, isn’t it? I remember it feeling like a huge media circus back when your father and I got married, and I suppose it is one at that, really. I must admit that neither your father nor I cared much for the particulars of it all, as long as we ended up married, so discussing all those trivial matters was kind of a bore to us, really. I suppose it’s not that much different for you and Emily, or do I have that wrong?’ 

‘No,’ Henry admits. Catherine nods at him to go on. ‘It’s just… neither of us really want the big wedding, and all the media fuss surrounding it? I understand that, with my position, it’s not something to be avoided, but it also means that we have zero interest in all the aplomb surrounding it, and then to make a decision about it? It feels like we’ll be judged no matter what we decide, and also like it’s never the right choice, at least so far? There are so many options, so many shades of white, if Emily is to be believed, and then to add the looks that seem so disapproving whenever we think we have reached a decision, which makes us second-guess it all… It’s a lot.’

Catherine hums, lost in thought, seemingly pondering what to say. Henry doesn’t blame her, especially considering there isn’t much that can be said that will make it easier. Unless, of course, she suggests cancelling the wedding altogether, but he doesn’t see that happening unless his grandmother dies anytime soon, and despite her age, that doesn’t seem likely at all. If anything, Henry suspects her to live until after they’re married and somehow had kids out of spite. Even Pez gravely agrees with that.

‘Is there anything either of you want, specifically, for this wedding?’ Catherine eventually asks tentatively. ‘Maybe something that seems… unattainable, or you expect to be shot down if you were to suggest it? I could try and help make it possible, if you so wish.’ 

And that’s nice, so nice, but all Henry wants is not something his mum would be able to accomplish. She can’t bring his father back, she can’t stop the wedding from happening entirely, she can’t allow them to come out, or allow them to have a small wedding so they’re just done with it. None of it would be approved, no matter how hard they fought. He knows. He’s tried. There’s simply no way, not as long as his grandmother is on the throne. So he shakes his head.

‘No, but thank you for offering,’ he says. She stops them then, a hand on his shoulder, as she looks him in the eyes. She’s rather small, causing him to look down, but he isn’t about to cower from her gaze, knowing she’ll try and get his attention anyway, and probably willing to wait as long as needed until he looks her in the eye.

‘You’re my son, Henry. I know I’ve been rather… horrible at showing it, lately. Shit, if you’d prefer.’ Once again, Henry is reminded of the fact that she married his dad and went to uni, for he’s pretty certain it’s the kind of language she picked up there. ‘And that is my fault. I’m well aware of the fact that it’s up to me to show up, but please don’t ever think I wouldn’t move heaven and earth for you to get what you want the most, even if I have to fight your gran for it.’

‘That… That’s nice, mum,’ Henry says. He wants to know why she didn’t come to him with that earlier, why she wasn’t in the room with him when he had to face Philip and his gran alone and was thrusted in this situation in the first place. He wants to know how she’d plan to give him the thing the most, it being his freedom, being out. But he doesn’t. It’s too much to ask and her fighting his gran won’t do anything, he doesn’t think. There isn’t a way to make it all possible. ‘But I don’t think there is anything you can do.’

Catherine scrutinises him, like she’s searching for the answer he’s not giving her, perhaps, or perhaps just to see if he means it. Either way, he doesn’t quite like it, feel comfortable around it, even if he feels like he should feel better about it than he does. It’s jarring, to say the least.

‘If you’re sure,’ she eventually settles on. ‘Just… if it gets too much, or if you need a break, I’d be happy to take away some meetings from you, go in your stead, okay? It’s truly no problem, and even if it clashes with anything that might be on my agenda, I’ll figure it out. I’d also be happy to sit in on any wedding preparations if you or Emily think that it would help to get decisions made, but that’s ultimately up to you two.’ 

‘Oh. Yes. Thank you. That might actually be helpful.’ Of course he still has to discuss it with Emily, and maybe he should’ve gathered from the way she started to ask what he wanted for this wedding, but he honestly hadn’t connected the dots. Still, his mum has done it before, albeit with less scrutiny due to lack of social media when she went through it all, so she probably knows what corners she can cut, and what has to be done. It would probably mean that all preparations are done even faster, but at least he thinks his gran can’t expedite the wedding even more than she’s done already. Not with all the city- and country-wide preparations that need to be done for it all to happen, and especially not with everyone who has to travel into London. And while he’s certain his gran would no doubt send them out even more often to gain even more attention, there might be some light at the end of the tunnel if his mum takes over some of them, maybe under the guise of wedding preparations. Or something.

‘Discuss it with Emily first, as much and as long as you need,’ Catherine says, as they start walking again, this time back towards the palace. ‘And let me know anytime you need some time off. I’ll let Paul know to collaborate with Shaan as they see fit, and to throw anything my way that might be helpful to ease up your schedule if you so wish. I’ll handle your gran.’ She smiles at him, leans closer to him. ‘Besides. Despite the fact that she may think so, the old bat won’t live forever and it might be a good thing if they slowly start to see me a lot more. If anything, it would make the transition easier, don’t you think?’ But another wink his way lets Henry know that she’s scheming something. He doesn’t want to hope, doesn’t dare hope, but his mother is more alert than he’s seen her in years, and for the first time he might actually see why he maybe should start to believe that she’s back and here to stay.

‘Are you planning something, mum?’ he asks, because he kind of has to. He’s not sure he wants to know, or if it’s even wise to ask, but he’d rather be ahead of the game, for once, instead of trailing behind and expected to play it without anyone telling him the rules, leaving him stumbling.

‘Me? No, never. What on earth makes you think so? I’m just stating facts, dear, that’s all.’ He can see her try to stay neutral, not to give anything away, but he does notice her amusement, the glint in her eye she’s trying to conceal, and while it can easily be explained away as facts, which no one can dispute, Henry is not sure that’s all she’s planning. 

‘Are you sure that’s all, mum?’ Henry asks anyway. She smiles, patting his arm.

‘Positive, love. Now, don't worry about a thing you needn’t worry about, and go speak with Emily. She’s a great girl, and I’m positive she’s curious as to what this was all about, or maybe otherwise losing her mind up there, on her own.’

‘Ah, yes. You’re probably right. I’ll let you know what she thinks then,’ Henry promises. He’s still apprehensive about it all, but they can try, and if it means he’s got less outings and can just hole himself up in his apartments, he will take it. 

‘You do that. It was lovely to see you, dear.’ 

‘You too, mum.’ He smiles at her one more time, accepts the hug she offers him, before she separates from him and goes her own way. Maybe it is time to discuss it all with Emily, then.

When Henry returns to his apartments, he finds Emily still sprawled on the couch, finger absentmindedly tracing patterns on the floor, and she lazily looks up at him from where she’s laying. 

‘What did your mother want?’ she asks, concerned.

‘She wanted to know about wedding stuff,’ Henry says, as he sits back down. David lifts his head up for a second from where he’s still lying in the sunlight, before stretching and going back to sleep, this time with his back facing the window. ‘Or, rather, whether she could help us with it.’ 

‘That’s… nice?’ Emily asks hesitantly. ‘Isn’t it?’

‘I suppose it is? She offered to sit in meetings with us, try and help us cut through the bullshit, but also help us with the million decisions that feel so overwhelming? But then, she also asked to take over appearances for us as we needed it, and said she’d deal with Gran if need be.’ Henry frowns, leaning back in his chair, as Emily gets herself in an upright position again.

‘I would rather think that, if she does that, dealing with your gran is a given, not an if, or am I wrong?’ Emily asks then. ‘Not that I don’t appreciate it, because I do, and I certainly feel like it could help. But… how do you feel about it?’

And isn’t that the question?

‘I don’t know,’ he answers honestly. ‘I’m honestly kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop, but she seemed alert, and genuine… and I honestly think she is trying,’ he admits. He isn’t sure if he should mention the fact that she seems to be planning something. At least not to Emily. She doesn’t know his mum like he does, and while it might be good to get an outsider's opinion too, he thinks it might be better to discuss it with Bea, and see what she thinks about it, before he even mentions it to Emily. At least Bea has been there for all of it as well, even if she had her own struggles, and she has better insight in it all. Besides, it would help if she could keep an eye on mum too, infiltrate, as it were, see if she actually means it. 

He feels guilty that it almost feels necessary, but he has to remain realistic, even if it’s hard to do so.

‘I feel like there’s a “but” coming,’ Emily mentions. She looks at him patiently, however, and Henry feels immensely grateful for that.

‘I’m scared,’ Henry admits. ‘That it’s all a ruse, or like, a moment where she genuinely seemed to be trying, but disappears again regardless. I want to take her up on it, I really do…’ 

‘But you don’t want to be disappointed,’ Emily finishes. Henry nods.

‘Then what about this,’ she suggests, scooting closer to where Henry is sitting. ‘We ask her for the next available time she can help, and see what she offers in the discussions, and go from there? One step at a time. We can also see if she can take over a public appearance, just one, maybe one on a day where it’s heavy or really packed already, and see how she responds.’ It is a good solution, Henry thinks. It isn’t asking too much of her all at once, and at least, if they get disappointed there, then they know not to ask again.

‘That’s a good idea,’ he agrees. ‘Do you have any idea as to what you would like to ask her for? We could ask Shaan to delegate one of the outings to mum - she said she would ask her equerry to work with Shaan to make it all happen, so that should be less of a thing we need to worry about.’ Emily hums.

‘That’s a good plan, at least. Shaan would know what would be too draining, would he not? And keep in mind what appearances you might find important, or what can’t be missed by us, right?’ 

‘That is correct,’ Henry confirms. Shaan probably knows him better than anyone else at this point, has looked out for him when no one else had, and so he’s sure he can trust him on this too.

‘Okay, so. We leave that to him, and maybe ask your mum to join in on the first meeting we both have to be at and seems to last long? I wouldn’t be surprised if that would be more of the bureaucratic stuff, and she might be of great help there, right? So far our individual appointments have been more about what we’re going to wear, so I think that might be less of a good place to start.’

‘I think that is the best idea too,’ Henry agrees. Besides, he’s not sure how he would respond if he asked his mother to be at one of the meetings where he’s going over what to wear - after all, he didn’t do the military so that is out of the question, unlike how it was with Philip - and she’s not there. Better to start at a more neutral playing ground.

‘I shall have it arranged,’ Henry confirms. He just hopes it works out. ‘How was the rest of the meeting, by the way? You hadn’t finished when my mum interrupted, right?’ Emily shakes her head, and immediately launches back into her story. Airing this all out will probably help them both deal with it better, and if they can think of better ways for his mum to help them through it, then all the better for it.

As long as they clear the first hurdle, that is. But that’s a worry for later.

Chapter Text

‘Damn, Alex, you’re looking amazing,’ Nora exclaims the second she spots him. She’s standing in the middle of the dance floor, wearing a white jumpsuit with blue snowflakes scattered across it, completing the winter part of their seasons themed Gala. Alex himself is wearing an orange suit, with white accents along it, the complete opposite of what Hannah is going to be wearing, in part to mess with the press, in another part to keep interested people away from him. Alex may still be single, but even after two and a bit years, he’s still unwilling to date.

Not for a lack of trying, to be honest. He has made out with people. It just never felt right, and he kept comparing them to Henry, so until he feels like he is able to kiss people and have it be about them, he doesn’t want to try.

Besides, law school is still kicking his ass, even if 2L is easier on him than 1L was, and it’s only thanks to Hannah and the fact that he started seeing a therapist, who almost immediately got him the ADHD diagnosis, that he’s at least eating regularly again, and regained the weight he’s lost. The fact that he’s got more of a routine going now, and found medication for him that’s worked, probably helps too.

Still, Alex doesn’t feel like he could even contribute to a relationship in the way they’d deserve anyway, the law school and his drive surrounding it absolutely being too much to handle, and he figures it’s better to let it be before another thing that he loves gets tainted by it being too much again. He’s not sure if he’s able to handle that just yet.

And so Hannah offered to dress in a suit that was opposite of his, both to protect him and because it was, in her words, a rad suit, and that was that. Alex still didn’t know what he did to deserve a friend like Hannah, but she hadn’t run away, not even after she moved in with him to save money and keep him in line, and honestly, maybe he needed to name his firstborn after her or something. She deserved a grand gesture for putting up with him in any case.

Not that she’d likely accept it, but it was still worth a try.

‘Thanks,’ he says, grinning. ‘You look amazing, too.’ 

‘Obviously.’ Nora grins at him.

‘Yeah, yeah. Everything all set?’ Nora had obviously been here for longer than he had, and considering they’d agreed that the first one down was the one to double-check everything, it was the obvious question to pose.

‘Yes. Everything is good to go. Question is, though, are you?’ Alex scowls.

‘I’m fine, thanks.’ At least, that’s what he keeps telling himself. It wasn’t like he and Henry had stopped talking altogether - in all honesty, they’d ramped it up ever since that phone call in Texas where Henry had been sick with worry over him. And yes, Henry was engaged now, and he was meant to meet his fiancée tonight, and he hadn’t seen Henry in person in ages, but it was all going to be fine. If they could talk over text, then surely, this wouldn’t be too different? If anything, it would probably be more normal than the last time they saw each other. Or, so he hopes, anyway.

‘Hmm. I think you’re right,’ Nora says, after scrutinising him for a moment.

‘Thanks for the vote of confidence,’ Alex scowls.

‘Oh, cheer up already. You’ll be fine. If anything, you’ve got Hannah probably glued to your side all night. I’d say the same for June and myself, but, well, Pez is also coming, so I’m not making any promises.’ She smirks at him as she says this, and Alex keeps on scowling.

‘That is way more information than I wanted to know, thanks.’ 

‘Oh, so you don’t want to know about the fact that they’re probably staying the night?’ 

‘Nora!’ Alex crosses his arms, while Nora cackles. It’s one thing to know this about Nora, and honestly, he wouldn’t have minded as much if it’d just been her. But the fact that she’s implicating Bug in it all? Yeah, no, he didn’t want to have that imagery in his mind, and honestly, he’s considering how to bleach his fucking brain to get it all out. 

‘Everything alright down here?’ Hannah asks, as she joins them. Alex turns partly, so he can see Nora and her at the same time, and raises an eyebrow at her.

‘Do you happen to know how to bleach one's brain out?’ he asks her. Nora cackles even louder.

‘No, sorry. Why’d you want to know?’ Hannah asks.

‘Because Nora found it necessary to tell me about the fact that she’ll likely not be of any help tonight, nor is Bug, because Pez is around.’ Alex looks at Hannah in what he hopes is a meaningful way, so she gets what he’s getting at without him needing to fucking spell it out for her. To his horror, however, Hannah grins.

‘Good for you guys,’ she grins.

‘Hey!’ Alex says, at the same time Nora goes: ‘Why thank you.’ Complete with a curtsy. Honestly .

‘What is this, bully Alex day?’ Alex asks.

‘It’s always bully Alex day,’ Nora says solemnly.

‘Hey, now, that’s not nice. Just because I’m happy for y’all, you must admit it’s disturbing to know this about your siblings. Or, at least, that’s how it feels for me.’ Hannah shrugs. ‘If you wanna dish, dish to me. I’ll be happy to know the details, but let’s leave Alex in peace, alright? At least give him the chance to have some plausible deniability.’

‘Thank you,’ Alex says, as Nora nods. ‘Fine. But know I spare no detail.’ Hannah grins.

‘I expected no less from you. Where’s June, by the way? Not ready yet or?’ Hannah asks.

‘Ah, she’s coming down soon. She was just doing the finishing touches, and checking in on the arrival of the Brits, as well, but last I heard they landed and are on their way over from the airport right now.’ 

Oh, so soon then. Alex recons it’s a good thing, for, despite all he’s been saying and thinking, he does feel that bit of nervousness bubbling up. He doesn’t know why, but he also doesn’t want to think about it. It’s probably to do with meeting Emily more than anything else, for he doesn’t want to fuck that up and make things harder for Henry than they probably already are. He doesn’t want to entertain any other option as to what it could possibly mean. It won’t get him anywhere.

‘Awesome,’ Alex says, even if he feels just fine about it all. ‘Then it probably means they get here when most of the people are already here.’ Royals or not, traffic was still a bitch after all, and while he wouldn’t put it past Henry to slip in as unnoticable as he possibly could, he also knew Pez would love to make an entrance.

‘Exactly,’ Nora says. ‘So once June is here, we can open up the doors and get this party started! It’s about high time we had a proper party anyway.’ She grins, excited. 

It doesn’t take long for June to appear at all, dressed in a floor-length floral dress, entirely in the spring theme, with flowers in her done-up hair, and delicate flower earrings in her ears as well, and it’s only minutes after that that the doors open, the music blares out, and the party truly commences.

Alex quickly gets swept up by the guests trickling in, greeting them as he sees them, chatting with some of them before being yanked away again by someone else. Hannah is never far from his side, though she definitely holds her own and is often found chatting with someone else just nearby, leaving him to have private conversations with whoever he’s talking to. Or, at least, as private as it can get at a party, but it’s not like he’s having meaningful conversations with them anyway. He’s learned to keep his cards close to his chest, and he’s definitely not handing them out to someone he’s spoken to maybe once, even if they did sign NDA’s to get in.

It’s because of this that he initially doesn’t notice that Henry, Pez, and Emily have arrived. Sure, he notices a change in the vibe, but he chalks it up as it having to do with the person he’s talking to. It’s not someone he particularly likes, even though the change in the vibe isn’t unpleasant in any way. It’s because of this, and, well, mainly Pez loudly bellowing ‘Alexander, babes!’ that he realises what’s happening. He quickly apologises to whoever he’s talking to (John? Jason? Jeremy? He’s got no clue), and turns towards the sound. 

Pez is dressed in… well, Alex doesn’t even know what. His shirt and the inside of his pant legs are a bright orange, as is the middle part of his hair, and all the rest of his clothing and hair is a deep purple, which gets lighter the closer it gets to the orange. He makes his way through the crowd in any case, beaming.

‘It’s been too long,’ he greets him the second he reaches him. ‘You look fabulous.’ 

‘Thanks,’ Alex grins. ‘So do you, obviously. Had a good flight?’

‘We partied the entire flight,’ Pez says. ‘Not that Henry quite participated, but, well, I figured it’d be best to keep him away from the vodka until we were here at least.’ He winks. ‘Bea was quite up for it, however, but then, she was always more of a partier than Henry.’ That checks out. Alex nods, grinning, and secretly glad that Henry wasn’t drinking vodka before he got here. No matter how much he loves a Henry who’s more loosened up, and vodka will definitely get him there, he also isn’t quite prepared to see him that way, and vodka is probably more likely to cause a disaster than anything else would do, especially if Alex also drinks, and, well, he isn’t quite planning on getting through this sober.

Though also not drunk. It’s already not the best idea to combine alcohol with his brand new medication, and he has to be somewhat responsible about it all, so limiting himself it is.

‘Ah, that’s probably for the best,’ he says. ‘Have you seen Nora and June yet? They were quite looking forward to seeing you,’ Alex asks. He still doesn’t want to know about it, but he also doesn’t want to deprive his sister of the company she’s been looking forward to. If anything, she deserves to have it. He knows she probably did not see him as often as she liked, knows it was probably done in solidarity with him, and for Pez with Henry. And… that’s not fair. It’s not their fault they couldn’t make it work, broke up, that Alex was too much and a mistake and that love never was going to cut it, and he hates to see them give things up just to make him feel better. It doesn’t, it never has, and he wishes they were just a bit more selfish about it all. They aren’t though, and therefore pushing Pez towards them is the next best thing. It’s the least he can do, especially after all the support they’ve given him, even if he likely didn’t deserve it.

‘Alas, no,’ Pez laments. ‘But no matter. I shall see enough of them later,’ he continues with a wink and a waggle of his eyebrows.

‘Not you, too,’ Alex groans.

‘What can I say? They’re goddesses. Nothing against you, though, Hannah,’ he adds, as she joins the two of them.

‘None taken,’ she grins. ‘Can’t exactly say you’re my type when it comes to that stuff anyway.’ 

‘Such is life,’ Pez nods. ‘Dare I say you both look scrumptious, by the way? I already told Alex he looked fab, but the two of you together.’ He puts his fingers to his lips and kisses them. 

‘Why, thank you,’ Hannah says, grinning, and taking a bow for good measure. ‘We tried our best.’

‘Of course, of course. Now, I must dash. Lots of people to see, lots of people to talk to. I’ll be sure to see you both at some point later, but alas, time waits for no-one.’ Pez bows dramatically, before immediately disappearing in the throng of people.

‘That was quick,’ Hannah comments.

‘Pez is always busy,’ Alex grins. ‘Though I’m sure he’s also using this as an opportunity to gather attention for the shelter, or maybe squeeze some money out of some of them to help fund more of those. He had been talking about opening more shelters anyway, so it could be a good opportunity to gather some more contacts, even if it’s just to pro-’

‘Oh my god,’ Hannah interrupts him.

‘-mote them, or like, get people to- , huh?’ Alex looks around frantically, to try and see what got Hannah to react like that. 

‘Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,’ Hannah continues, staring at something Alex can’t yet see, and it’s not because he’s too fucking short, thanks, but more because of the angle. Besides, the fact that Hannah is acting like this is concerning enough, for she’s not one to freak out. She’s been talking to several famous people tonight already without batting a damn eye as it is, nor was she impressed by him, or June, or, hell, even his mom. So sue him for being worried something has gone entirely to shit.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asks, ready to bolt and grab Amy or Cash or whichever PPO he can find first, especially since nobody seems to be doing anything at all. So either everyone is shocked, even if that doesn’t seem to be the case because people keep partying like nothing has gone to shit, or it’s something else entirely. Whatever it is, it isn’t helping his anxiety at all.

‘Nothing!’ Hannah keeps on staring like she’s seen a ghost or something, however, and is vaguely slapping his arm. ‘It’s just, it’s Princess Bea .’ 

‘What?’ Alex says, while he stares at her, shocked. 

‘Princess Bea!’ Hannah exclaims, finally looking at him like he’s dumb for not understanding. If he’s honest, he kind of feels that way, right now, so for her to look at him like that? Not exactly making him feel much better.

‘Okay?’ he says. ‘What about her?’

‘She’s here!’ Hannah exclaims, like she wasn’t fully aware that she was actually showing up, even though she was well aware of the guest list, like every one of them had been.

‘I figured she would be, considering Pez arrived.’ Which also meant Emily and Henry had arrived. Alex kind of hoped they got waylaid by other guests, because it would otherwise mean Henry was avoiding him and he did not want to think about that. ‘But why are you reacting like this? I’ve never seen you freak out over celebrities. I thought you didn’t do that.’ He frowns.

‘Exception to the rule,’ Hannah waves his argument away, literally, considering she’s also waving her hand as she says it. ‘Oh my god, she’s coming this way.’ Alex still barely has got a grasp on what the fuck is actually happening right now, but he shoves that to a small corner of his brain to examine later because he can’t very well ignore Bea , when she’s been nothing but lovely every time he’d spoken to her.

‘Alex,’ she greets them as she reaches them. ‘And you must be Hannah! It’s so nice to finally meet you,’ she says, grinning widely, as she addresses Hannah next to him. Hannah, who seems to be shell shocked and barely able to get herself together enough to shake Bea’s hand. Bea is dressed in a dark orange dress, short at the front and long at the back, with flowers all over the hem and chest. She’s paired it with clunky black boots, and a black leather jacket, and considering she’s turned a bit to be able to greet Hannah better, he can also see -

‘Is that a bee on the back of your jacket?’ Alex asks, without preamble, as he leans to the side so he can actually see it better. And sure enough, an angry looking bee is on the back of it, clearly a patch.

‘Yeah!’ Bea says with a grin. ‘Brilliant, isn’t it? Figured it would fit well enough with the seasons, and it’s of course also a nod because everyone knows the amount of bees are declining,’ she continues, seriously, but there’s a glint in her eye as well.

‘And it’s a nod to your name,’ Hannah breathes out. 

‘Exactly,’ Bea grins.

‘That’s so cool!’

‘I try, I try,’ Bea says with a grin. ‘Must say it helps that I’m already the black sheep of the family, so they’ve basically given up on me. As long as I don’t show up in, like, a trash bag or something, even if I would totally rock that, and don’t cause a scandal, I can basically wear whatever I want. Especially to stuff like this.’ She leans in closer. 

‘Not, that I like, would. I mean, I want to, at times, not gonna lie, but I’m not about to make things harder for… some others, than need be.’ Alex didn’t need pointing out that she definitely meant Henry. ‘If I can piss off some others, however, without retribution? I absolutely will.’ She smirks.

‘Oh, I absolutely feel you on that,’ Hannah gushes. Alex knows she’s not even lying at this point. Petty revenge? Pissing off people who deserve it? Hannah would do it without zero hesitation. He kind of regrets having the two of them at the same party now, because it means trouble, but he’s also glad that they seem to be getting along. Especially considering Hannah is starstruck for once.

‘She’s not lying,’ Alex helpfully butts in. ‘She would one hundred percent go off against someone or plot revenge, especially if she can get away with it.’ He actually hopes she would never pull that one on Zahra, because while he would bet on Hannah in most cases, he’s not sure if she’d win that one, let alone who he’d like to see losing.

‘Oh,’ Bea says, dragging the vowel out. ‘We definitely need to chat then. I’m taking her away from you, Alex, try not to miss us too much.’ She hooks her arm through Hannah’s and blows him a kiss with her free hand before dragging her away. Hannah does send a look at him which basically translates to HELP ME but Alex just grins and waves them off. Whatever Bea wants to chat about, it’s something he doesn’t exactly want to know. Plausible deniability and all that, and he’s also glad that Bea isn’t quite third wheeling tonight either, what with Emily and Henry being here, Pez probably plastering himself to June and Nora, and him meaning to be plastered to Hannah but. Well.

He’s the one third wheeling now, basically. 

Alex tries not to let it sting, the fact that he feels like he’s once again not needed, or not wanted. There are enough people around who would want his attention, superficial though it may be, but he won’t lie and admits, at least to himself, that he’d rather not have wanted to be alone this evening, not without June or Hannah or Nora by his side. He has been around Henry, sure, but Emily is also here, and he knows Henry is gentlemanly enough not to leave her side unless he felt like she could handle things. Probably.

It’s not like he knows much about Emily anyway, for they never talk about her. He could be entirely wrong.

Besides, he has been around Henry, alone, or at least in the presence of several others, but alone enough, without any support right beside him. He can do this, he knows he can, but it’s still different to see him again after that panic attack, is afraid of what he’ll read on his face once he sees Henry, or maybe afraid of what he won’t read. He’s not quite sure, but he’s also unwilling to find out. It’s running away, perhaps, but the longer it takes, the less time he’ll have to spend actual time with him, and the less chance there is for things to actually go wrong.

This night is forever a reminder of what was, what started , but what will never happen again, after all, and it makes him less able to trust himself to not fuck this up.

And hate himself (and Henry) more for still feeling this way.

The memories are still too strong, especially on a day like today, where everything is a tangible reminder despite the additional people. Despite the fact that Alex knows in his bones Henry won’t do anything to jeopardize his… engagement, or what is meant to pass for it anyway. Not with the entire world breathing down his shoulder, being excited for the upcoming wedding, probably a lot more than Henry himself is.

It still doesn’t change the fact that he’s afraid he’ll spill more than he should, fueled by insecurities, hurt, worry, and it being picked up by someone and it, despite the NDAs, being sold to the highest bidder. He’s had to stave off one leak already. He cannot deal with another, and so he has to avoid Henry.

Alex means to lose himself in the throng of people, letting them take whatever bit of attention they can get, even if it’s just a greeting, and playing it off as him being a good host. Before he can do that, however, the universe decides to be done with his bullshit, or to bully him, or have him deal with whatever bit of bad karma that hasn’t yet come back to him in some way or another, and throw Henry and Emily at him.

Or, well, have him turn around at the same time they appear from a gap in the crowd, but same thing, really. It just sounds way less exciting and dramatic for how he feels about it all, so he feels like he’s justified in his earlier thought process.

Especially when it feels like time comes to a fucking standstill when he locks eyes with Henry. It’s bullshit, he knows, because he does vaguely register the bass drumming in his chest, slightly out of beat to the beating of his own heart, or so it seems, anyway, for he can’t really discern which of the two is which. He also vaguely registers the fact that people brush against him, jolt him slightly in an attempt to get somewhere else. It’s also stupid because he can see Henry moving, even if it seems like he isn’t really aware of him doing so, especially considering an arm, most likely belonging to Emily (Alex hasn’t looked that far yet), is leading him forward.

It’s also stupid because this didn’t happen to this extent when he saw Henry at all those other functions, and he doesn’t know if it’s because he hasn’t seen Henry in ages despite them talking more often, or the one or two glasses of alcohol he had despite him having already switched back to non alcoholic drinks, or if this just means he took several steps backwards in his attempts to get over Henry, and is closer to where he started to where he felt he was at.

He very much hopes it isn’t the latter situation.

‘Alex, hi,’ Henry breathes, as soon as he’s close enough. Alex is kind of glad for the fact that it’s Henry who talks first. It gives him more time to get his head around the fact that Henry is actually in front of him, and it also mends a tiny bit within himself, the fact that Henry was the one to greet him first, to not fucking run or avoid him. Maybe it’s because of Emily, maybe it’s truly because he wants to, but either way, it helps, and he’s taking it for the win it is.

‘Hey,’ he greets him back, before finally allowing his eyes to wander. Henry is wearing a light blue suit, a white shirt underneath, paired with a yellow tie. Emily, who Alex is now seeing for the first time, is wearing a modest dress, in the same color as Henry’s tie. Perfectly normal, perfectly acceptable. She’s blonde, like Henry, with blue eyes as well, though hers are slightly darker than Henry’s. She has a kind smile on her face, however, and even though this entire situation still makes Alex nauseous and angry, also because he knows Henry deserves a life where he can be true to himself instead of being trapped in the sham of a marriage this will undoubtedly be, it does ease it a bit. Especially considering Henry seems relatively relaxed next to her, which is all Alex could ask for.

It almost looks like Henry wants to say something, and Alex is kind of apprehensive of what it could be, before he finally seems to realise Emily is still there, for he blinks and then lets his gaze flicker to her.

‘Oh!’ he says. ‘I forgot - you haven’t met, have you?’ It’s a bit of a stupid question, and while heat rises on Henry’s cheeks, Alex can’t discern if it’s because he’s embarrassed he forgot Emily for a second, or if it’s because he realises the question is stupid. It’s not like they’d done any facetiming, or had seen eachother in person, ever since the courtship dropped, let alone the engagement. There was no way he would’ve been able to meet Emily.

‘No, we haven’t yet,’ Alex answers. He still sends him a smile, though, trying to ease the man, because the last thing he wants is for Henry to have more reason to feel uncomfortable. If he still knows him well enough, and he thinks it’s a safe bet to say that he does, then Henry mustn’t be entirely at ease. Not with all that’s happened and is about to happen. 

It seems to work, for Henry’s posture eases slightly, and he nods to himself, before turning a bit so he can look at Emily more directly.

At least he knows how to act like he’s actually dating her. Which he is, obviously, but it’s also not real.

Even though it is. Legally. It’s making Alex’ head hurt.

‘Right, yes, of course,’ Henry says, nodding again. ‘Emily, this is Alex, Alex, meet Emily.’ He gestures between them as he’s saying it, as if it isn’t obvious, but Emily just grins and extends her hand.

‘Alex,’ she says, her voice friendly. ‘Nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you, so it’s nice to finally be able to meet you.’ He actually sincerely doubts that Emily was told a lot about him. Why would they? Yes, they remained in contact, but Alex had barely heard anything about Emily himself, not that he’d asked, and so he assumed it’d been the same vice versa. Besides, it was one thing to also have to remain friends when the entire world assumes you are, and therefore have to remain in contact so you at least have the basics and don’t fluster when you’re asked stuff by the press, and another to actually be good friends to the point you talk about the deeper stuff.

Including one's fiancée.

‘Nice to meet you too,’ Alex says. He’s not sure whether he should add that he heard a lot about her as well, because the thing is, he didn’t. It’s maybe the polite thing to do, still, but it’s easy to see that he’d been lying if he does so. 

‘I assume Henry didn’t tell you much about me, then?’ she grins, shocking the hell out of him. ‘Oh, don’t be so surprised. I kind of figured he’d keep me shrouded in mystery.’ Alex frowns. Emily doesn’t seem surprised about it at all, even though there is a tilt to her head and her blue eyes keep flicking between them as she’s trying to figure out the why behind it all. To find that one missing piece of the puzzle. Or maybe she’s found one of them but she’s still missing a part of it. Either way, it's unnerving.

‘I’m not offended, honestly,’ Emily continues, as if Alex had said enough with just his look. It doesn’t matter that she also barely glances at Henry when she says it, even if he does look a bit sheepish. ‘It just means I have to tell you all you want to know about me myself, but that’s okay. I won’t have any secrets for someone who’s clearly been such a good influence on Henry, and considering I know he, Bea, and Pez trust you, I have no reason to believe otherwise myself.’ 

A good influence on Henry? Alex wants to scoff. He doesn’t do it, of course, because no matter what, he doesn’t want to ruin this for Henry, for Emily. They don’t deserve his ire, or at least, Emily doesn’t, simply because he cannot believe the words she’s saying. It’s earnest, though, so even if he doesn’t, she clearly does believe it. It’s just… He didn’t ever think that he had been much of an influence on Henry, and it had basically been confirmed when he got told that love wasn’t going to do it, that this all had been a mistake, so why should he? Besides, Henry is still locked in that tower, seemingly not fighting at all, the most emotion he’d shown towards Alex ever since the entire thing being when he’d genuinely thought Alex had been gravely ill. Not that he blames Henry for that. Alex knows well enough that Henry has a lot of scars from losing his father, and that those scars will never fade. Looking back on how he looked back then, and knowing how worried June, Nora, and even the rest of his family had been once they’d laid eyes on him, he knows it was warranted. 

Even still, that doesn’t mean he’s been a good influence on Henry, or even an influence at all. Alex genuinely cannot see how he’s been one, not when Henry is trapped, not when he doesn’t appear to be fighting at all. Of course, Alex barely knows what’s going on behind the scenes anymore, but this has all been announced, and he knows what kind of scandal it would be if it would all be stopped, and he cannot see Henry doing that. Besides, every time he sees Henry, even though it hasn’t been often, it was more and more his press persona, and while there had been moments, especially in the beginning, he still seemed a lot less vibrant, and more and more like he had the weight of the world resting upon his shoulders.

But then, Emily is the one now, who gets to see Henry behind closed doors, gets to live the life with him that Alex had wanted but clearly hadn’t been good enough for, so maybe he has to take her word for it.

It's not like he can get it confirmed anyway, not unless he asks Bea or Pez, and he is not going to do that.

And the trust thing? Well, he can be glad to have that, at least. It’s not much, but it means a lot that he apparently gained enough favor with the three of them that Emily seems to trust him instantly. He doesn’t know why he deserved it, maybe because he did fight for Henry, maybe it was because of something else, but he refuses to look at it further. If Emily trusts him, that’s a good thing. Maybe he’s fucked up less than he thought he’d done, even if he still doesn’t know where it all had gone wrong for it to be a mistake. But even if he had been too much and not enough at the same time, at least he can be trusted.

It makes him feel a lot better about protecting Henry with the almost leak too. It had been a no brainer, obviously, but at least he’d done everything to shield him.

Not that Henry knows. But that doesn’t matter. Henry trusts him, apparently, still, and enough for Emily to believe him too, and if she wants to extend the olive branch and allows him to ask whatever he wants to ask about her, then he should take that and keep it and cherish it for as long as they will let him have it.

‘Thanks,’ he says, once he realises that he maybe should answer Emily. He hopes it hasn’t taken too long, but she doesn’t seem impatient, so he figures he’s alright. ‘I might take you up on that.’ He still doesn’t really want to know anything about her, but that’s more circumstance than anything else, for she does genuinely seem lovely. Alex feels kind of bad that he feels this way about it, for he knows it’s not her fault, and considering he still thinks Mary had a huge hand in it, he also wonders how much of a choice she’s really had, but this is currently the best he can offer.

‘Please do,’ she says, grinning. ‘But I’d imagine you’d rather not do that right here.’ She tilts her head. ‘So let’s shelve it for later, shall we? Besides, I’d rather like to meet your sister and your friends too. Though, I assume we can find most of them with Pez?’ Alex, who also has been keeping an eye on Henry in his periphery, even if he honestly doesn’t mean to do so, looks kind of terrified for a slight moment. It’s gone so quickly that Alex wonders if he imagines it, so Alex battles the frown that his face wants to contort into. It’s probably nothing, after all.

‘Uh, I’m not sure,’ Alex admits. ‘He did say earlier that he hadn’t run into them yet, and that he also needed to mingle and had lots of other people to talk to, so unless he ran into them before he got to do whatever he intended to do, I don’t think he is, actually.’ 

‘Oh, yes, I would imagine that he had to do that,’ Henry confirms, nodding. ‘I believe he wants to expand on the shelters.’ So he had been right when he told Hannah he assumed it was about that. Even if it was a bit disheartening that Henry was this in the loop about the shelters themselves. Alex hopes it’s truly a best friend situation, Pez telling him all about it, because it was also something that Henry deeply cared about, and not that it meant that Henry was getting more involved with them. Not that Alex would want to deny him that, especially because he knows how much it’d mean to Henry to be doing just that, but he’s just being selfish in the sense that he works there as well now to gain experience, and the thought of running into him at the shelter when he’s meant to help the kids? Please no. While he does feel a bit better to be around Henry, he’s truly not prepared to deal with him unexpectedly just yet, and if it throws him enough that he can’t give the kids the A-game they deserve, then he’d really rather hope that it’s just a friendly interest at most.

‘He has been working on that, yes,’ Alex confirms. ‘But let’s see if he’s found them yet, shall we?’ He might be rushing them a bit, and honestly feels like he can’t be blamed for it, but even if they do he’s not going to give a shit at the moment. He needs the buffer of more people around him and not be expected to carry the conversation with people he truly doesn’t want to carry them with. Not with the risk of slipping, fucking up, and ruining everything. He might be unreasonably terrified of it, but it’s all he can do to get himself through tonight. It’s just a few more hours at most, and all he has to do is not create a scandal. He can do this. He’s done it before. It’s going to be alri-

‘Where are June and Hannah?’ Alex asks once they run into Nora and Bea, who are, inexplicably, found without either of June and Hannah in sight. They could be dancing, but considering he can also see Pez chatting with someone from where they’re standing, they’re not dancing with him either. Nor would he be expecting that June would be dancing with Hannah and not with Nora. It doesn’t make sense.

The fact that he’s neglecting to introduce Emily to Nora is something he ignores entirely for the moment. Henry can introduce her; all he wants to know is where Hannah and June are.

‘There was an accident involving someone stumbling over someone else’s dress, and red wine getting spilled all over Hannah in the process, so they’ve gone to change into something else. June is lending her something,’ Nora explains. ‘It truly was all an accident, and I’m sure they’ll be back soon,’ she hastens to add. Alex nods, because what else can he do? Yes, he doesn’t like the fact that neither of them are there, but Nora is still around, for now, and even though she’s turning towards Emily to take her in and introduce herself, it’s still better than nothing.

He keeps to himself, however, as the introductions are being made. Sure, he answers questions when asked, but he’d rather just let it play out. He doesn’t miss the calculating gaze in Nora’s eyes as she’s trying to figure something out, confident it’s at least in part about his behaviour. He’s sure to hear all about it later, but for now he pushes the thought from his head. There’s no use in worrying all about it, when he feels more and more on edge during this party, and it’s all he can do to keep himself together.

Not that Alex really knows why he’s so on edge tonight. It’s not like he’s had many issues with being in public before, let alone large crowds. Maybe it’s just being confronted with Henry in person again, for the first time in a long time, combined with the fact that he’s engaged now, and it’s the anniversary of the day they had their first kiss. Maybe it’s also the almost-leak still running in his mind, the fear of fucking up and managing to out Henry in the process when all he’s been trying to do was protect him, even if Henry was the one to push him away. He doesn’t know.

What he does know, is that, right at midnight, when the countdown has happened, June, Nora, and Pez somehow manage a three-way kiss while Hannah, having returned in a white dress, looks on, grinning, and Bea has an unreadable look on her face, and Emily and Henry share a very chaste kiss, Alex very much feels like he needs to get the fuck out of there, get some fresh air.

He mutters his excuses to Hannah, saying he’ll be right back and to just enjoy herself, but doesn’t bother to check if she’s even heard him over the music, before booking it out of the room, and onto the lawn, not stopping until he hits that tree that still haunts his fucking memories. It’s probably not the best idea to stop here, and catch his breath, but his legs continue to carry him any further, and so he decides to lean against it, eyes closed, as he tries to pull himself together.

Unfortunately for him, he isn’t being left alone, if the sound of broken twigs crunching under someone’s feet is anything to go by.

‘I’ll be right back, Hannah, go have fun,’ Alex says, without bothering to open his eyes.

‘I’m not Hannah,’ the person says, making Alex stiffen, and god fucking damnit, why ? ‘Are you quite alright?’

No, he’s not fucking alright. He’s tired. He’s overwhelmed. He’s fucking nauseous because he just saw two people kissing which he definitely did not want to see kiss, and while Alex knows it was probably because of PR and because it was expected of them and it would’ve raised questions had they not, it still makes his blood fucking boil. He feels lonely, terrified, constantly on edge, and fucking hell, this will be a shitshow at his next therapy appointment. But he can’t say that, can he? Least of all to the person who’s a huge part of all the reasons why he feels like this.

‘Fucking peachy,’ is what Alex answers then, still without bothering to look at Henry. He can’t. Not now, and definitely not here under this fucking goddamn lindentree.

‘You don’t have to lie to me, Alex,’ Henry says, and it’s oh so careful, but still enough for Alex to let his eyes snap open and gaze upon Henry. He’s still keeping his distance, thankfully, but he looks so open and honest and worried , that it also sends him back to that fucking phonecall which still haunts his fucking nightmares. He doesn’t want Henry to worry about him, is the thing, but it doesn’t seem like he can stop it from happening either, and fucking hell, he hates everything.

‘Do I not?’ Alex asks. ‘Do you really, honestly, want me to be honest right fucking now?’ 

‘Quite frankly, yes.’ Alex hates how truthful Henry sounds right now, how he keeps looking at him like he’s worried and wants to take all the worries away from him, because it makes him fucking want to collapse in his arms and have him never let go. But he also doesn’t, because he knows he can’t fucking keep it. That he was too much and not enough all at once. Henry pushed him away before - he can’t have it happen again, and to allow himself the modicum of comfort only to have it be ripped away from him again? He can’t do it, can’t risk it. He’s tried it once before, and he won’t do it again, even if it’s only in a friendly way. He knows he’s too far from fucking over it to even contemplate it, has realised he might never be entirely over Henry, and he has to live with it, too, so he can’t take and let himself pretend even for a second he can have it again.

Not that it’s truly on offer right now, but that’s not the point.

‘You don’t know what you’re saying,’ Alex scoffs. It does the trick, really, for a frown appears on Henry’s face, and he looks irritated as he crosses his arms across his chest, and levels Alex with a look.

‘Why won’t you let me be the judge of that?’ And, well, fine.  

‘So, what?’ Alex starts. ‘You want to know that I’m not alright, not truly? That it makes me angry and sad and upset to see you in a position like the one you’re in right now, and I have to act like I’m happy and supportive for you, when all I want to do is rage and scream at the world for not allowing you to be who you are? And the thing is, even though Emily seems like a great person, and I get the feeling you get along, and that great, truly, because at the end of the day, if this is the position you have to be in, at least you’ve got someone like her at your side. But that doesn’t change the fact that all along, the only thing I wanted was for you to be happy, whether it was with me, or someone else, or nobody at all. And I know it’s not with me, you’ve made that perfectly clear, and I’m fine with that. Or, at least, I’m trying to be ok with that, but that’s a me problem, really.’ He runs a hand through his hair, avoids Henry’s gaze, and misses the devastated look on it entirely, before he barrels on. ‘But then having to see you kiss her, when I know you’d never do that if you didn’t have to, that it probably only happened because it’s fucking expected of you, or a practise run, or what the hell ever. And I know it’s none of my business, and I’d better get fucking used to seeing it, and it shouldn’t bother me this much, and especially not after two fucking years . But it’s just the combination of everything , including the fact that it’s today of all days, but it does, and so all I needed was just one fucking moment to myself, so I can gather myself once again and can try and be as happy for you as I’m fucking meant to be, but of course I can’t and… Fuck.’ He inhales shakily, runs another hand through his hair before shaking his head and looking at Henry directly, who seems to have gone entirely pale, even if he’s still got his focus entirely on Alex, taking everything in.

‘So no,’ Alex repeats, ignoring how his own voice shakes. ‘I’m not okay. But… I hope you’re happy, truly, because above all else, I still wish for your happiness more than anything else in the world. I hope you know that.’ He shoots him a small smile, before booking it out of there, not waiting for a response. It may be rude, but he doesn’t care. He needs to be alone, and honestly, Henry can go make his excuses for him. He hasn’t got the energy to do so anymore.

Chapter Text

This wedding was going to be more of a shit show than Philip's had been. Catherine has to admit she feels rather guilty for feeling this way, because all she wants is for her boy to have the wedding he's no doubt always dreamed of, and it's also not like she's expecting a scandal to happen, either, though she also never would have thought it'd happen at Philip's wedding, and it did regardless, so maybe she shouldn't be counting it out. Admittedly, she kind of hopes it does happen. A scandal, that is. One particular one at that, really. Not that she wishes another one upon her youngest son, but if it ensures her son's happiness, and (and she really hopes nobody can actually read minds) maybe senicide, she really, truly, would not be opposed, and actually save her a lot of planning with lawyers, even if it'd ensure a whole list of other meetings. Still, one's gotta take one for the team.

Or, well, it’s one of the few things for the team she’s ought to take. Catherine is well aware of the fact that she’s been an abysmal mother the past few years, and that just taking one from the team isn’t going to cut it. She’s been trying, again, truly, but she also knows that she broke the trust her children had in her in such a way that it can’t ever truly be mended. Still, she’s trying, putting in the effort, actually showing up and trying to talk to them in the way she ought to have done all this time. She can’t rewrite the past, however, no matter how much she wants to, and working on the present is all she can do now, so she’s doing just that.

Even if it bloody feels like talking to a brick wall.

She doesn’t blame Henry, however. She knows he hasn’t been doing well, has shouldered more than he was ever meant to, has been there for Bea in ways she absolutely failed to do herself, and she cannot ever thank him enough for saving her from the depths that she’d been in. She’d been told by Bea about what had transpired, Bea not mincing any words about it at all, and so she’s entirely aware of the situation at hand. Or, most of it, anyway. While Bea hadn’t held back about herself, she had done so about Henry, no matter how subtle she had been about that. And then for her to expect Henry to open up to her? No, she needed to work harder to regain his trust, if she ever managed to get it at all.

As of now, he’d barely opened up to her, in any case. She honestly thought he would, at times. Could sense the hesitation within him whenever she mentioned that he still had a choice. It was subtle enough, she thought, but also clear that she meant that he still could get out of this marriage, damn the consequences, damn the scandal. She’d be here to catch him in the aftermath, was sure Bea and Pez would do the same. Her mother was an entirely different story altogether, but Catherine was willing to fight her, especially because she did have leverage now. It had taken a while, especially to confirm her suspicions, but she had enough evidence. 

It was still clearly too late, especially with Henry’s refusal to do anything, but maybe it would be of use later. She just had to bide her time.

Another moment where she thought he’d crack had been after New Years. The souring of his mood had been palpable, relying more and more on his royal training, and retreating more often now. It had made her worry, especially with how distraught he clearly was. He tried to hide it, he really did, but he was still easy enough to read, as long as you knew how to read the signs. When she’d tentatively offered it again, the fact that he did have a choice, he hesitated for longer than normal, until he ultimately jutted his chin out and shook his head once again, before excusing himself altogether.

She hadn’t known what happened, and nobody told her anything either. It frustrated her, sure, but she also knew this was on herself, and so she did what she could do - which was plan, meet with lawyers, and get as many things drafted up as she could. Just in case.

And now? Now was the day of the wedding. She still maintained it was going to be hopeless. She still didn’t understand why it had gone on, unless she’d either severely misunderstood her son, or her mother had had a hand in it, and she knew which one of the two seemed the likeliest option, especially with how Henry looked right now.

He was dressed handsomely, of course, in a custom fitted suit. Catherine had always thought he’d be the one to wear one of Arthur’s clothes, especially considering he had never taken the military route, but he hadn’t brought it up, and neither had she, confident he’d bring it up if he’d wanted something of him, and so a custom suit it was, one he was smoothing his hand over down the front, in a movement she was sure it wasn’t even conscious. 

He’d done a lot of that, she mused, ever since the light in his eyes that had seemingly returned, if all the videos of that period she’d seen had been any indication, had vanished once again after that summer. Whatever the reason was, it did make him seem to stand up somewhat straighter, even if the effect is somewhat diminished by shaky inhales.

‘Hen-’ she starts to say, but Henry isn’t giving her much of a chance to finish it, whirling around, eyes wilder than she’d seen in a while.

‘Please,’ he begs. ‘Please don’t say I’ve got a choice. Not again. Not now.’ And oh, how her heart shatters at this. She wants to wrap him in a hug, the only thing stopping her is the uncertainty of whether he would accept it, especially right now. Henry seems to be doing all he can to keep himself together, and she wouldn’t blame him if he’d lost it completely if she were to wrap him in a hug.

‘Because I don’t, okay? It’s only ever the bloody illusion of having one, nothing more, nothing less.’ Catherine very much disagrees, because she knows he has a choice, but she’s not going to argue with him. Not today. It won’t help anyway, and if he’s going through with this sham of a wedding, then he needs all the support he can get.

Even if this is further confirmation that he truly does not want this, and that her mother has a hand in all this.

Bloody buggering hell.

‘I’m not,’ she says soothingly, even if she wants to say all the things about choices and that he can be who he wants to be. ‘I was just wondering if…’ What? He’s okay? Clearly not. If there was anything she could do? Probably not anything he truly needs, or wants, but it still might be the best way to go. ‘Can I do anything for you, Henry? Check on something? Or just answer any questions you might have? Words of advice?’ She kind of feels like she’s overwhelming him a bit with options, but whatever he needs from her, she’s willing to give, no matter the cost.

Henry frowns, hesitates. He opens his mouth and closes it several times, clearly thinking better of whatever is racing through that wonderful head of his, and as she waits Cat takes him in further. His blond hair, perfectly styled, the dark circles from clear lack of sleep hidden away under layers of make-up, even if people who know him can still see how tired he really is. Still, with the amount of make-up clearly hiding it, it can still be explained away as a bad night of sleep because of pre-wedding jitters.

She doesn’t even think it’d be a lie, even if not for the reasons most would think.

‘Do you reckon -’ Henry starts, before shaking his head again and taking a deep breath. ‘Never mind. Not important.’ Catherine holds back a sigh. She doesn’t believe him, thinks that it is quite important indeed, actually, but she also isn’t going to push it. She won’t force him into anything he’s not ready for, and she will let him have whatever sliver of self-preservation he’s currently holding on to. He is close enough to the edge of a cliff as it is.

‘Let’s just get this over with,’ he mutters. Catherine tilts her head. 

‘You’re sure? If you need another minute, we can take it?’ A small smile slides across his face, but it doesn’t reach his eyes, and only seems sad. Catherine can only hope he can manage to get himself together enough to not let it show once they’re outside, but she also knows that Henry is well aware of that. He doesn’t need the reminder.

‘No. It won’t be of use anyway. Let’s just go.’ 

And so they go. Henry immediately switches on his press-persona the second they can even glimpse the outside, and while Catherine is at least glad he manages to do so, it also breaks her heart at the same time that he is unable to genuinely be happy. Still, she lets him be, knows it’s hard on him, and instead wishes Arthur had been here to give him advice. He isn’t of course, and had he been here, Cat doubts Henry would’ve married Emily in the first place. Not that she dislikes the girl, because she’s perfectly lovely, she’s just… not for Henry, and she would’ve liked to think Arthur would have raised hell to prevent it from happening.

He’d always suspected (or known, as he’d like to say, even if Henry had never told either of them) that Henry was gay. Catherine did not believe he had been wrong in that assessment, but she refused to ask Henry about it either. If he wanted her to know, he’d tell her.

The ride to the church is uneventful to say the least. It’s just the same old camera swirling around them, cheering people along the road, trying to get a glimpse of them. She’s still glad for the fact that, at least this part of the ride, the car is closed off. It hides the fact that Henry is resting a palm against his stomach, the fact that his foot is tapping a near continuous rhythm.

‘Just try and relax, dear,’ she says softly. She risks a glance at him, sees him inhaling deeply, nodding. She’s proud of his bravery, and isn't sure if she could’ve done the same had she been in the same position. She wonders if it’s also hindering him that Philip is to be his best man. She’s sure he’d rather have had Pez, though Mary would never have stood for it. He’s riding separately, if only because they can’t arrive together, not with them both being the next in line to the throne, and she actually thinks it’s better this way. She’s well aware of the fact that the two have quite the strenuous relationship, so the less time he has to spend with him, the better it probably is. He’s already on edge enough without Philip adding to it.

The ride to the church seems to go by quickly, or, at least quicker than hers had seemed when it had been her time to get married. Catherine knows it’s probably her imagination, aided by the fact that she had been impatient to marry Arthur, that every second she hadn’t been married to him was one second too long, whereas this was her baby boy getting married, and it was clearly a marriage that was not wanted.

Horrible things, even if Henry and Emily did get along, always did come faster than you ever anticipated it happening.

Once they arrive, however, things seem to go excruciatingly slow and incredibly fast all at once. There isn’t time to let Henry breathe, to utter words of comfort, before walking him down the aisle where he’s meant to wait on Emily. There is nothing she can do but take her seat and hope Philip doesn’t set him any more at edge than Henry already is. She’s obviously got a prime seat, though unfortunately for her right next to her mother, who looks way too smug for her liking. Catherine pointedly ignores her, however, and leaves her focus on Henry.

Henry, who is very much not looking at the people in their seats, or, at least not at a certain section where Catherine had noticed the First Family sitting upon entering. Henry, who had taken in a sharp breath upon noticing as they entered, smoothing his hand down his shirt once again, steeling himself and wrenching his gaze away.

Catherine had also not missed how entirely tired Alex Claremont-Diaz had looked, his complexion somewhat paler than she’d seen him before, and a tightness to his mouth even though he kept on a smile as if aware of the camera’s being everywhere in this church. Catherine had seen enough people perform with a press-ready smile to cut right through that, after all.

And oh .

It couldn’t be, right? It couldn’t be this easy, this obvious? Surely she was projecting things. Because if it truly was what she thought it was, then the fact that this was happening, right here, right now, and also having to deal with having them in the room, or, in the other case, seeing that person get married? Catherine wouldn’t even want to wish that upon her worst enemy.

Still, as the ceremony started, and she went through the motions as was expected of her - standing up when Emily entered the church, a vision in white, singing along with the hymns, and so forth - she ran through everything she knew in her head, only coming to one, singular conclusion.

Henry and Alex had been more than friends, and whatever had happened, it was no longer going on. And yet Alex was here, and regardless if it was because of international relationships and he couldn’t get out of it, he still showed up, and Henry had not fought tooth and nail to keep him out.

It was probably a more complicated mess than she could see, and she was likely still missing some pieces, but it still broke her heart over and over again, and made anger bubble up within her as Mary gave an approving nod as the both of them said their I do’s. But she couldn’t do anything, not now, maybe not for a while yet, and if she felt helpless now, she could only imagine how her boy must’ve felt, probably still feels.

And she knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that if she had been there the past few years, this likely would never have happened at all, that Henry would be a lot happier than he currently is, and while the guilt that overwhelms her almost cripples her, she stands tall.

She can’t let it bog her down, not now, not ever again.

The rest of the wedding passes her by in a complete fog. She goes through the motions again, doing her duty, doing everything that is expected of her. She ignores how mechanical and rehearsed the balcony kiss looks, how they both seem to stiffen slightly, and instead waves at the crowd. It lasts long enough for all the fucking press to get their hands on the pictures they want, before they go back inside again to prepare for the reception. A singular moment of privacy before it all starts up again.

Catherine isn’t quite certain it’s beneficial to anyone today, but she also cannot change it.

‘Well then,’ Mary starts, way too jovially. ‘I’m glad to see you finally married now, Henry, but do make sure to avoid another scandal at the reception, would you?’ The threat in her voice and eyes is one that is unmistakable, and Catherine whirls around to face her mother, placing herself in front of Henry, as she stares her down. 

‘If you would kindly shut up, Mum, it would be highly appreciated.’ Henry, who had only gone rigid, frowns behind her, but Catherine can’t see it happening. Instead, she watches as her mother gets agitated, clearly working herself up to talk her down, but Catherine just crosses her arms and lifts an eyebrow.

‘I doubt Henry would want to cause a scandal, and if a scandal were to happen, it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily his fault, something he could have prevented, or a thing that is necessarily bad, depending on what it would be. Besides, does he really need a reminder of that on his wedding day, when he’s got more important stuff to worry about, such as enjoying himself, as opposed to being on edge?’ It’s a rather empty argument, Catherine is well aware of it, and while she isn’t sure it helps matters in her relationship with Henry, she also needs to make sure Mary doesn’t know she’s suspecting anything. She has to keep her mother in the dark, even if it’s the last thing she does, so it’ll help in the long run. 

Though she can’t explain that to Henry now either. Bollocks. She’ll deal with that later.

‘I won’t have you talk to me this way!’ Mary says. ‘You’ve never had any respect at all. Clearly we’ve gone wrong with you somewhere , considering you can’t even see that I want what’s best for Henry. Though, I shouldn’t be surprised, given your absence in the past years.’ It’s below the belt, even if it is partly true, and even if part of her wants to cower and submit and let it wash over her, she won’t. She was the rebel princess once, and even if she has to drag her back up from whichever depth she’s been hiding, she will do it.

‘Oh, do you, now?’ Catherine counters. ‘Because last I recall Henry is still my son, not yours, and I do think we’ve got wildly different opinions on what is best for him. You’re right in saying I haven’t been a present parent in the past years, and I will never be able to make up for the lost time, but that does not mean I don’t know who my children are or what’s best for them. If you see that as a lack of respect to you - so be it. Frankly, I don’t care one jot about that at all. What I do care about is you clearly needing to make this exceedingly difficult for everyone involved, and you might want to watch your tone.’ She raises her eyebrow even further, before smirking at her. ‘Before I alert the government about you forgetting all those important meetings and what’s been said in them more and more often. They might just think it’s time for a fresh wind.’ Mary pales, as Henry gasps behind her, and Emily promptly dissolves in a coughing fit. Catherine turns to her slightly.

‘You okay?’ she asks.

‘Yeah, yeah, fine,’ Emily answers. 

‘Excellent.’ Catherine turns back to her mother who’s still gaping at her. 

‘Well then, I think it’s time we shall move on to the reception, because I do believe this conversation is over, isn’t it? Come on now, we mustn't leave our guests waiting.’ Without waiting for a response from her mother, Catherine busies herself getting Henry and Emily out of there. She doesn’t bother checking if her mother gets out alright, considering there is enough staff to worry about her. Besides, if it makes her stew longer or arrive late and maybe look bad as a result? Well, then that’s on her.

‘Were you joking about gran, mom?’ Henry asks, stunned, as soon as they’re out of hearing range.

‘Hmm? What part?’ Cat asks, as she bustles them through the rooms, putting as much distance as she can between them and her mother, so she can make sure the both of them are ready for the reception. Mentally, mostly, but that was kind of a given.

‘All of it?’ Henry clarifies. Emily sighs.

‘I think mostly the forgetting about the meetings part, or, well, that’s mainly my concern, really.’ She tilts her head. ‘Or maybe concern isn’t the right word.’ She waves her hand in the air as if trying to pluck the word out of it. ‘You get what I mean,’ she says, as she ultimately fails at finding the right word. Catherine chuckles.

‘Oh, no, I was quite serious about it. I’ve been suspecting it for a while, you see, so I’ve been compiling evidence and have been discussing it with the staff. It’s quite the folder I’ve built up, I’ll tell you, but you know gran, she won’t willingly give up the throne. It is part of the reason I’ve been taking up more and more duties, I’ll admit, but I had to be careful about it lest she suspects. But, hmm, I figured now was a good time to drop that information. The timing could have been better, I’ll give you that, but at least this should ensure she behaves.’ She ushers them in a room, because no matter what, the queen still has to come first and all that. Cat has always found it to be bullshit, but at least it gives her the time to check in on them both.

‘I, ah, thanks,’ Henry says, clearly reeling from the information, and not knowing what to do with it.

‘This doesn’t need any thanks, Henry, considering I should have done this a long time ago, but you’re welcome, regardless.’ She shoots him a small smile. ‘Now, less talking about that old bat, more talking about you guys. How are you holding up? Doing okay? Need a moment before we head out? I’m sure this was all rather overwhelming, to say the least.’ It had been for her, and she had at least been excited to marry Arthur.

‘I’m fine,’ Emily says. ‘It’s overwhelming, sure, and..’ She frowns, glances at Henry, before shaking her head. ‘It’s nothing less than I expected, yet it’s more. Still, the biggest part is over with, isn’t it? So it’s just time for a party and cake and then winding down. I’m good to do that, honestly.’ Catherine is way more inclined to believe Emily, especially considering Henry once again takes a deep breath and smooths down his shirt. She wonders what caused that nervous tick, but she isn’t about to ask.

‘Henry?’ she prompts. ‘It’s okay if you need a second.’ 

‘No, I’m fine, mum, honestly. It’s… just a lot, that’s all.’ Catherine nods, taking him in. 

‘Well, that’s entirely understandable. I’m truly sorry it had to be such a large wedding. I suppose it doesn’t make it easier on you.’ Henry just smiles, a sad little thing that doesn’t reach his eyes. It’s a smile that would easily pass for every photographer and person who didn’t know him, but his eyes have that haunted look that have been staring right back at her in the mirror for the past eight years, and that is something no training would ever be able to hide.

‘Ah, no, it does not, but it is what it had to be.’ He shrugs. Catherine restrains herself from pursing her lips, because she knows it won’t help matters.

‘For what it is worth, I am sorry regardless. If you need a breather at any point tonight, just let me know, and we'll make it happen, deal?’ She doesn’t think he will take her up on it, even if she could shuffle Emily out with him to make it seem like they just needed a moment of privacy, but it’s all she can offer tonight.

‘Thanks,’ Henry says. Catherine just nods, and Emily squeezes his arm comfortingly. At least she’s able to deal with it all better, though Catherine does suspect she knows the entire story. She’s glad for it, honestly, because Henry needs someone close by who can be the support he needs, and it would raise too many eyebrows if it had been Pez or anyone else.

Sometimes holding up a front was fucking horrendous, but it was the role they had to play.

‘Okay, I’ll go on ahead then,’ she tells them. ‘And if you need a moment, just take it. It’s your day. Nobody is going to give a toss, and if they do, well, screw them.’ She sends them one more encouraging look, before turning on her heels and leaving the room. She wishes she could shield them from this, get them out of there, but the reception still had to happen, and there was no avoiding that. Unfortunately.

Catherine makes her way towards the reception area, greeting everyone she passes, and taking her place as she waits for the two to arrive. Of course, her mother still arrives before them, as is the rule, but Catherine is pleased to see she’s still silently fuming, if the way she glares at her is any indication.

Not that Catherine gives a shit about that. She can’t cower from her, not anymore. It’s about time she fought back, and now that she has done so, she has to admit it feels incredibly good, even if she continues to wish she’d done it earlier.

No matter.

She’s joined by Bea, as Martha and Philip are on the other side of the room, and she’s glad that Martha is now next to Philip again. At least she’ll manage to keep him in check. Hopefully. 

One look at the First Family reveals that Alex is flanked by his sister and Nora Holleran, his mother standing close by, but he still looks tired. Or, more tired than the other two. It makes her wonder when they flew in exactly.

‘You’ve never truly met them, have you, mum?’ Bea asks from next to her, as they wait on Henry and Emily to arrive. 

‘Ah, no. I can’t say I had much opportunity to chat with them last time they were here. Or, at least, not with anyone bar President Claremont, though that was mostly business, I must admit. You are both close to them, are you not?’ Catherine asks.

‘Hmm,’ Bea replies, searching for the right words. ‘I suppose we are at that, yes,’ Bea continues. ‘Henry has always drifted closer to Alex and, I suppose, June as well.’ She frowns a bit at the last one, as if unsure, and it truly makes Catherine believe that whatever happened, it was mostly on Henry. If only she knew what. ‘Whereas I am closer to June and Nora, but honestly, they’re great. It’s a bit of a shame Hannah isn’t here, because she would have livened up the party.’ 

‘Hmm, I thought they were rather well known for throwing that New Years Party you guys went to?’ Catherine asks. She refuses to focus on Hannah right now, whoever she may be.

‘Oh, they are!’ Bea replies. ‘It’s just… They flew in this morning, I believe. Alex had his finals up until yesterday, and I honestly doubt he got much sleep as a result, so I am not sure how much energy he would have for a party, and with Pez, June, and Nora all being here, I think he would’ve been more energetic had she been around.’ Ah, a buffer of sorts then. She knows Pez well enough to know she does not want to know what he’s up to with June and Nora, and Bea can’t be seen around Alex too much considering all the people she’s also got to converse with. It honestly makes her feel for Alex more than she already does.

‘Ah, yes, that would do it, I suppose. It does rather explain why he looks so tired, poor boy.’ Bea is saved from making any comment in regards to that, as this is the moment Henry and Emily enter, and then the reception is officially a go.

Obviously this means a lot more talking, a lot more schmoozing, and, if she’s honest, sending warning glares towards her mother to prevent her from making any horrendous comments. Considering the way her nostrils flare a bit every time she does, she is well aware of the threat and is actually scared Catherine will follow through with it, which makes her rather giddy. She still keeps her composure, though, even when she’s close enough to overhear the conversation Alex strikes up with Henry the second he’s got the chance to do so.

‘So, I’m quite disappointed, Wales.’ Catherine tries not to flinch at the words, continues pretending to listen to the man who’s currently droning on to her and who’s name has entirely escaped her, even if she can see Henry stiffen in her periphery.

‘I’m sorry?’ Henry asks, apprehensive and confused at the same time. The hurt in his eyes is palpable, though.

‘I’m just saying,’ Alex continues, waving his glass around the room. ‘I thought I’d told you you would really need two champagne towers at your wedding, and here I am, seeing only just the one.’ He shakes his head, and as Catherine rounds off her conversation with the man in front of her, she can see the ghost of a smile on Alex’ face.

‘Oh, yes, that,’ Henry says, relief obvious in his voice. ‘Sorry about that, I just…’ Catherine wishes she knew what was going on inside his head at the moment, what he means to say. There probably isn’t much he can say, not without implicating anything, and that makes it so much harder. But she has to let this play out, and so she continues rounding off her conversation, because unfortunately, this man is someone who manages to keep tacking on things when it seemed it was over. Dreadfully inconvenient, in moments like this, if you asked her.

‘You didn’t really think I was truly disappointed, did you?’ Alex asks, and oh, the vulnerable and small tone his voice has makes her heart shatter. She wonders how much of this is him being tired and thus not being able to rely on media training, and how much of this is him going fuck everything. 

‘Because, well… I mean… I know this isn’t… That it’s…’ Oh shit, she has to get out now. 

‘I’m truly sorry,’ Catherine says to the man in front of her as Alex continues to search for words behind her. ‘I really do need to get on and greet other guests, but I’m sure we could talk again later, perhaps when there’s less people around?’ She really does not want to do that, but that’s a matter she can discuss with her equerry. At least the man understands and walks away after greeting her, and this leaves her free to turn around and interrupt this conversation before it all goes to hell.

Not that she’d mind exactly but… Maybe not now, and better to be done when they’re not tired and on edge. 

‘No, Alex, truly, you’re good,’ Henry says. ‘I understand, and, well…’ 

‘It’s more regulated by protocol than one would wish, which leaves little room for your own personal choices, unfortunately. One really ought to change that,’ Catherine interrupts. She ignores the sheer alarm on her son’s face, the curiosity on Emily’s as she glances back from the conversation she’s in, and instead focuses on Alex who seems to immediately snap into press-mode.

‘Your Royal Highness,’ he says, bowing, which makes Henry smile exasperatedly. 

‘So you do know it,’ he mutters. Catherine grins, and wider at that when she hears Alex hiss:

‘Shut up , Wales.’ It is entirely without malice, though, even if she doesn’t miss the careful glance Alex sends Henry’s way. The panic still hasn’t entirely left his face, nor has the wariness, but the amusement in response to Alex is also there, and it’s at least something.

‘Oh, please, just call me Catherine,’ she says, waving it away. ‘Alex Claremont-Diaz, was it not? It’s truly nice to finally be able to meet you. Walk with me for a second, would you?’ 

‘Uh, yeah, okay,’ Alex says. Catherine waits patiently while she ignores the slightly panicked look on both their faces. It’s no use addressing this, and she needs to get them out of this situation immediately. Besides, it’s fun to see that she can still make Henry squirm, scared for what his mother will do, like maybe regale embarrassing stories. She’s got plenty of them, to be honest, and while she does think Alex would very much appreciate them, even if only to break the ice, it’s not why she wants to talk to him. Not at all.

‘So,’ she begins, as they start their walk around the room. ‘How are you doing, Alex?’ she asks. She looks at him as she asks the question, making their way around the room slowly, and so she’s got a prime view of seeing the frown appear on Alex’ face.

‘You… wanted to walk with me to ask me how I’m doing?’ he asks, confused. 

‘Amongst other things, really,’ Catherine admits with a shrug. ‘I just thought it was easier to start with asking how you were doing instead of straight up jumping into me wanting to thank you for how wonderful you’ve been to Henry.’ A lot of emotions flicker across Alex’ face as that, his eyes and face too expressive to be able to hide it all. Bafflement, confusion, hurt, wonder, shock, and sadness all pass the revue before he manages to school himself again. It doesn’t leave his eyes, however, the haunted look she’s seen in Henry’s eyes, as well as her own, reflected back at her once again. It was something she’d been afraid of seeing, and it absolutely breaks her heart to see two people so in love and grieving what they had to intensely, and being unable to do anything about it.

‘I… Thanks, but… I’m not sure it’s… That is to say… All I did was try and be a decent human being. I don’t think that warrants thanking.’ The smile he sends her is a sad little thing, and the way he just shoves it all under the rug like it doesn’t deserve thanking honestly bothers her. 

‘Hmm, I’m not sure I agree. I think you’re well enough aware that pure decency is hard to come by in this world, especially for people in positions such as ours, when people are mainly only ever decent because they want something from you, as opposed to them actually meaning it. But being decent isn’t all I tried to thank you for, really. I also meant the influence you’ve had on him, because it’s truly remarkable.’ 

Alex immediately shakes his head, lets out a little scoff, aiming his eyes at the ceiling before he directs them back at her. The grief in his eyes is more palpable now, the effort of keeping himself together apparent, and she directs them to a place that allows them more privacy, even if it’s still in public.

‘I don’t… I haven’t… I mean, you’re right, but I also think you’re severely overestimating the effect I’ve had on him. I mean…’ He waves his hand in the air as if it should all say enough, and by god, it does. ‘I just try to be a good friend, but I don’t think I’m around enough to be any kind of influence on him.’ 

‘One doesn’t need to be around much to be influential,’ Catherine carefully points out. ‘Nor is the influence or impact one has immediately seen. I don’t doubt that you’re trying to be a good friend, and I have no doubt that you are.’ She looks at him pointedly. ‘Not many people would make the effort to fly across the world straight after exams just to attend a wedding, for instance, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make. Alex… I can only speak from my own experience, of course, but what I’m trying to say is that one can be influential even if one doesn’t see it. My children, my staff, closest friends… When I went through the darkest period in my life, I wasn’t able to do much at all. I’m sure you’ve heard. But that doesn’t mean that what everyone said didn’t land. I heard it, I wanted to do something with it, I just wasn’t able to until there was this one big moment when the switch finally turned and I could . Which isn’t to say that I don’t struggle anymore, because I do. Sometimes it just takes longer for people to catch on. Too long, at times, like in my case, and I don’t blame anyone for being selfish and choosing themselves over me, with the bridge being too burned to ever be able to be rebuilt.’ Alex frowns.

‘What are you trying to say?’

‘Alex…’ She frowns herself now, unsure what she can say and can’t say while still making her point. It’s a delicate line she has to walk, and she prays she doesn’t screw this up. It’s too important.

‘I wonder if you notice how much you’ve been doing for my boy. I’m not going to lie and say I’m not grateful for it, because I am. I know you’ve been… friends, and something has clearly happened between you two, and yet here you are, still showing up for him, making sure all is good between you and him, being of great support to him on a day like today, while I’m also sure you’re running on little to no sleep. I don’t think you realise, or want to acknowledge, maybe, how much bravery and strength that takes to do, especially when you have every right to say screw it all, for nobody would have been offended had you passed on this due to your exams. It’s part of why I asked whether you’re okay, actually.’ She tilts her head at him, watches him swallow and look away, but doesn’t push him. It makes her wonder how many people have looked out for him, or even asked how he was doing, or maybe it’s just her addressing the heartbreak that obviously occurred. She has to admit that she hopes it is the latter, because if it’s the first then her heart breaks for him.

‘I’m fine, honestly,’ Alex says, too quickly. She wonders if he says that as much for his own benefit as for hers, but she won’t push it.

‘Okay, that’s good,’ she answers, slowly. She doesn’t believe him, not really, but she also tries to make the point across that she won’t push it.

‘I swear, I am!’ he responds. It’s fierce, a bit stubborn, like he truly is trying to make his point come across and needing her to believe it. She still doesn’t but she tries not to let it show, and carefully chooses her next words, especially considering her first didn’t land the way she meant to.

‘I never said I didn’t believe you, Alex,’ she says. ‘If you say you’re fine, then you’re fine.’

‘Okay,’ he breathes, deflating a bit. ‘Okay.’ He runs a hand through his curls, eyes wild despite him deflating, and he honestly looks a bit like a caged animal. It doesn’t make her feel confident in her abilities to try and calm him down. ‘It’s just that…’ He shakes his head and takes a shaky breath.

‘Alex,’ she cuts in, tone soft, careful. ‘Can I give you a hug?’ She figures it’s best not to ask if he needs one. It’s easier to deflect that, to deny it, to maybe feel inconvenienced about it all, whereas it’s harder to get away from a question like this. She still gives him plenty of room to give him an out, doesn’t move closer to him, just patiently awaits his answer, only to get it in a small nod.

‘C’mere,’ she murmurs, drawing him in. He clings to her more tightly than she expects, and the shaky exhale against her shoulder, and the slight trembling of his frame, is enough sign for her to know he’s desperately trying to get himself back together.

‘I’m so proud of you,’ she whispers in his ear. ‘You’re being so brave and strong, but please also be kind to yourself, give yourself some grace. If you need to get out of here, I’ll help you make your excuses, explain it to your family, no questions asked. Just don’t be afraid to be selfish, every now and again, and choose you , whatever it may be that you need. It’s absolutely okay.’

Alex lets out a shuddering breath while remaining in her embrace for only a short little moment, before he disentangles himself. She lets him go easily, even if she thinks that he might have needed a longer hug than the one she gave him, but she also knows that they’re still in public and that this is probably not the place for it. She still hopes it gives him a modicum of comfort, however, and she smiles at him when he looks at her with a small smile of his own, even if it doesn’t reach his eyes.

‘Thank you,’ he says, before taking a step back to increase the distance between them.

‘It’s nothing,’ she brushes it off. She can’t make this more than she’s saying, not with all those prying eyes. Can’t let anyone show how worried she is about him, about both of them, especially not when she can’t do anything to make it better. She instead lets her gaze roam over the room for a bit, seeing the worried glances his sister seems to be sending their way, the way Henry is also looking at them, even if she can’t decipher his emotions. It’s too closed off, and yet too much all at once, and so she looks away again. If he wants to know about it, he’s going to have to ask her or Alex himself. She won’t offer it to him.

She looks at Alex again, takes in the way he clearly wants to get out but also seems to refuse to ask his leave, and she takes pity on him.

‘I’ll let you go now,’ she says. ‘I’m sure I’ve taken up quite a lot of your time already, and I do think your sister might be looking for you.’ She lets her gaze slide to June once again, who is still paying attention to the both of them, before letting it slide back again. ‘Thank you so much for allowing me to talk to you. It truly was lovely meeting you properly, Alex.’ 

‘I, ah, you’re welcome,’ he answers, before bowing once again. ‘Have a nice evening.’ The fact that he throws up his press-persona so quickly again is a thing that breaks her heart once more, but she can also see the necessity in it. 

‘You too,’ she replies. He sends her another small smile before leaving, and before Catherine can even see him get lost in the throng of people while trying to get to his sister, her attention is taken up by her daughter, who has slid up beside her.

‘So, mum, what was that all about?’ Bea has never wound around the problem, jumps straight into it, and while she has no doubt that Bea will report back to Henry what she deems necessary for him to know, she also can’t help but indulge her, a little bit.

‘Hmm? Oh. Just thanking him for having been such a good friend to Henry, to all of you.’ They’re walking around the room again. Henry is back to talking to a guest, but Catherine doesn’t miss how his eyes keep flickering from her, to Alex, and back. 

‘Just that, hm? So that was what that hug was all about, was it?’ Sometimes Cat truly feels like Bea got too much of her rebellious side, her inability to back down. She appreciates it in her, truly, most of the time anyway, but she wonders if this truly is the time for it right now. Still… Bea could be of great help…

‘He seemed like he could use one, but yes, it was just about that.’ 

‘Why don’t I believe you?’ Bea asks, looking at her directly, not breaking her stride. Catherine sighs.

‘I will admit that I might not have given you much reason to trust me,’ Catherine admits. ‘I’m not expecting you to, either.’ She looks around for a moment before she drops her voice. ‘However, while this has nothing to do with Alex per say, you might want to stop by my office later.’ She sends a look her way. ‘If you wish, that is. I think your help could be invaluable.’ 

‘You’re up to something.’ Bea doesn’t point at her accusingly, but it’s a near thing. A grin spreads over her face, however, and  Catherine is sure she’s got her daughter in her pocket.

‘Perhaps,’ Catherine allows. ‘But you’ll have to find that out later.’ She grins. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some talking to do still, and I’m sure you do too.’ Bea pulls a face at that, but nods all the same.

‘I’ll stop by later,’ Bea promises, before leaving her alone once again. Catherine nods regardless, before steeling herself and continuing around the room. She has a lot of people still to greet after all, and it won’t do to ignore them just because she’s got other things on her mind.

And, well, the sooner they’re both done, and the guests start to leave, the sooner they can get on with it.

Chapter Text

‘I think it’s wild,’ Emily says from next to him. ‘That this graduation ceremony is held in Madison Square Garden of all places. Isn’t that an arena?’ 

They’re sitting in a car on the way to the airport, the three of them, Henry, Emily, and Bea, for they’re all invited to Alex’ graduation. The fact that it landed on their one year wedding anniversary wasn’t lost on any of them, but while the press would probably have a field day with the fact that they’re spending it at Alex’ graduation, it was also easily explained away as a holiday to the States, with them travelling onwards after it.

Which wasn’t something they were planning on doing, but it was a nice excuse regardless. Besides, it wasn’t like they were going to celebrate it anyway, with their marriage being the sham that it was anyway, so Henry thought it all coincided nicely.

‘Don’t they have many students, though?’ Bea asks. ‘I mean, that many students, plus their families and whoever they bring… I don’t think that would fit in your regular school building.’

‘No, I suppose not,’ Emily muses. ‘God, it probably takes forever if it’s that many students.’ 

‘Probably,’ Henry concedes. ‘But that would probably also allow us plenty of time to catch up. I would assume we’re quite at the end of a row, or at least in a private enough section, considering security.’ It’s always a thing that leaves a sour taste in his mouth, but it is what it is, and with both royals, and the Presidential family in attendance, it makes sense for there to be a lot of security.

‘You’re right,’ Bea says. ‘God, I can’t wait to catch up with them. It’s been too long since we’ve seen one another. Pez is also coming, isn't he?’ Henry nods.

‘Yes, though considering he’s in Brooklyn for the shelter at the moment, it takes him a lot less time to travel there. We’ll meet him at the venue.’ He frowns. ‘If we can pry him away from June and Nora, that is.’ 

‘Oh, I’m sure we can,’ Emily says. ‘He misses you too, and he probably gets to see the two of them quite often, with Alex in New York. I’m sure he’d love to tell you all about the latest news regarding the shelter.’ That was also very much true. The center was up and running now, and every time Henry saw Pez, he had a lot of things to tell him. It made Henry quite jealous, if he was honest, considering it was their brainchild and he couldn’t do much beyond share ideas and make sure the shelter got money, but it was a good cause, and the good news stories he got from them did help to cheer him up. To know some good was done in the world, that it was that little bit brighter. Maybe someday he could be more involved, especially because he was sure his mother was suspecting something and was way more accepting of anything queer, but for now it had to wait.

‘Hmm, I suppose you’re right,’ he says.

‘Always am.’ Emily grins. ‘I thought you knew that by now. We’ve known each other long enough.’ It’s teasing. Henry knows it. So he just shakes his head and tries, and fails, to hide a smile.

‘Yes, yes, I know.’ 

‘Honestly, Hen, happy wife, happy life.’ Bea grins at him.

‘Are you both going to gang up on me?’ Henry asks.

‘Always.’ Emily looks at him solemnly for a moment, before she cracks and bursts out laughing. ‘Okay, no, let’s be honest here. That’s more Laura’s task to do. And I suppose vice versa, even if we aren’t married. It still goes for relationships, does it not?’ She tilts her head for a moment. ‘I suppose it does,’ she continues, not waiting for an answer. She nods to herself.

‘Not that it’s important right now,’ she continues. ‘Because we’re off to America, and it wasn’t like she could come. Though, honestly, maybe we can go to America some day, with her? Or invite Alex, June, and Nora over? It would be great if they got to meet Laura too, and I don’t think they’ve had much time to act like tourists around here, have they?’ Henry and Bea both shake their heads, as the car arrives at the airport. Both of them wait with answering as they exit the vehicle and make for the airplane, shadowed by PPO’s and Shaan, of course, and it isn’t until they settle down in their seats that the conversation continues. The sound of the engines of the airplane having been too loud to be able to hear one another.

‘I don’t think they have, no,’ Henry says. ‘Alex certainly has not, the times he has been here.’ 

‘June and Nora haven’t either. Or, I suppose, the three of them did stay for an additional day after the wedding, did they not?’ Bea frowns. ‘I think they did do some touristy stuff that day.’ 

‘How much could they have done, though?’ Emily asks. ‘What with waiting lines and security? There is plenty to see and do here, and when you also need to travel back in the evening, or whenever they left?’

‘Not much, probably.’ Bea frowns, and so does Henry.

‘We can still extend the offer, can’t we? Even if they might have done it, it’s not like we had much chance to do that ourselves. It probably needs a lot of arranging, but it might be nice if we can take our time.’ Besides, if anything, he could take them all to the V&A. He had the key for it anyway, and to be able to browse along all the statues and paintings and enjoy the anonymity and privacy… He very much thinks he could enjoy it and share it with them too, even if it wasn’t quite the fantasy he had always entertained.

‘Let’s offer it after graduation,’ Bea suggests. ‘Alex and Hannah probably could use some time off regardless, what with both their exams and everything, and while it would need some arranging, we’re all there anyway. Why not make use of the opportunity?’ Henry and Emily both nod in agreement, and after that it’s quiet for a moment as the plane ascends. 

It’s never an entirely pleasant feeling, and Henry closes his eyes as the plane rises, making sure to keep swallowing so as to make sure his ears remain open. Emily grips the armrest next to him. Bea, on the other hand, has more of an issue with the descent and keeps her eyes open as they gain altitude. It’s a nice balance, to be sure, for they can warn one another when it seems to be almost over, or brace themselves for impact when they land. It’s something they’ve perfected now, and it eases them both a lot when Bea confirms their suspicions that they seem to be levelling out.

Now that they’re in the air, however, the conversation seems to peter out. Henry doesn’t mind, not really, not when it’s a seven hour flight and they therefore have a lot of time to kill. While Emily settles herself with a book full of puzzles, Bea turns on her headphones and starts to listen to music, and Henry grabs his own book so he can read.

Or, he tries to, anyway.

It’s always difficult to do, especially when the trip is to go and see Alex. It’s been a year to the day they saw each other, what with their sham of a honeymoon, a lot of royal visits and responsibilities and making sure they were visible now that Emily was also a working royal, and Alex’ final year of law school. They kept in touch, sure, but it wasn’t much, Alex distancing himself quite a bit. 

It unnerved Henry, if he was honest, especially considering he still doesn’t know what he and his mum had talked about at the wedding, what had caused the hug. Bea had claimed that it had just been a thank you for being such a wonderful friend, but she had also been cagey, and was sequestered in meetings more often than not, lately, without wanting to tell what it was all about. She had at least confirmed the meetings had nothing to do with gran, or, at least, no more than the usual meetings, but had refused to answer any questions about the rest of them, telling him he’d learn eventually.

It didn’t help him at all.

Still, Henry let it all rest. There was no getting things out of Bea if she didn’t want to tell him, not yet, but she at least assured him it wasn’t a bad thing. Sometimes he wondered if it was about his gran, considering his mum took up more and more, and also seemed to have a lot of meetings. It could have been a sisterly thing if it was, not to give him hope until she truly had something to give him. Hope had been taken away from him too often as it was already, so Henry could at least understand that if that was the case. It still nagged at him, though, and he could only hope to get more information soon.

Still, Alex… Henry hopes he hadn’t fucked up again, somehow, some way. They had talked, they had bantered, still did, really, even if it was surface level again and it took Alex longer to respond than normal. But, well, the invite to his graduation had still come, even with an apology for the fact that it fell on their anniversary, and he had seemed grateful when they had agreed to come regardless, so maybe it was just him being busy with school.

The final year was always stressful anyway, what with all the changes to come, and routines that had to be changed. It was daunting, or had been, at least for him, but Alex had always been better at rolling with the punches anyway. Besides, there’s nothing Henry can do about it now, besides wait, and see how it is once he gets there. There’s nothing else for it, so once again he tries to focus on his book, even if only for the illusion it brings that time passes more quickly. He can certainly use it now.

After what feels like a short time, but is probably a few hours, considering the amount of chapters Henry has managed to read in his book, the plane quite obviously makes a turn, and a long enough one at that that it makes the three of them look up simultaneously.

‘Are… we turning around?’ Bea asks, frowning, looking out of the window as if it gives any answers as to where they are. The view outside of the windows are endless sea and sky, however, and don’t tell much at all as to where they are exactly.

‘It seems that way?’ Emily answers, hesitantly, sitting up as she looks around.

‘We can’t be there already, in any case,’ Henry says. ‘It’s too early. But… what’s going on?’ He looks around too, the PPO’s giving no inclination anything is going on at all, but he can’t see Shaan either. He could have gone to the toilet, but…

‘We’ve definitely turned around,’ Bea says. ‘I could see a plane out there earlier,’ she continues, pointing out the window where no plane is to be seen. She gets up to walk to the other side, peers out the window there.

‘But I can see it there,’ she says. Henry gets up too, sees a plane far in the distance. They look at eachother, confusion marring their faces, before coming face to face to Shaan, whose face gives nothing away, even if he does look more serious than normal.

‘What’s going on?’ 

‘What the fuck do you mean, they’re not coming?’ Alex bursts out, looking at June as if she has all the answers in the world in her hands. She might as well have, considering the way she’s looking at her phone, and it has Alex scramble for his own. If he only could remember where the fuck he put the damn thing. ‘Henry said they were on their way!’ 

He doesn’t get it, he truly doesn’t. Henry had confirmed they would be coming, he, Bea, and Emily. He had even said so hours ago that they boarded the airplane, sending off a text message before they were meant to take off. It didn’t make sense, not at all, and it didn’t please Alex one bit.

‘Exactly what I’m saying! They’re not coming!’ June glances up from her phone, looking at Alex and looking as frustrated as he feels, though Alex thinks it’s more to do with him than with the fact that Henry won’t be showing up and is bailing on him once again.

Honestly, he should be used to it by now.

‘Why?’ Alex still hasn’t found his phone, scrambling around to try and find it. June groans, fishing it from the couch cushions where he’d tossed it earlier, and hands it over to him.

‘I don’t know! Bea isn’t telling. Pez does seem to still be coming, however.’ She adds that last bit as an afterthought, and Alex figures it’s only something she said because a text message came in or something. It’s something, at least, but Pez had at least been in New York, and Henry had not been. ‘Has Henry told you anything?’ 

Alex, busy swiping away all the notifications he absolutely does not want to be dealing with right now, ignoring all comments and notifications and texts congratulating him on graduating and telling him to enjoy himself today, finally manages to open the text chat with Henry, where a message is indeed waiting for him.

His Royal Highness Prince Dickhead
I am so sorry, but we won’t be coming anymore. I can’t tell you anything right now, but know that you’ll find out soon.

Alex scowls. ‘Just that they won’t be coming and that he can’t say shit but we’ll find out soon.’ 

‘Hey,’ June says. ‘At least we know they’re okay, okay? It’s not something they could have prevented or done, and if they can text this, it at least seems they’re not in any danger of any kind. That ought to count for something, right?’

Alex appreciates the fact that June tries to ease it all, but if he’s honest, it isn’t helping much. The fact that Henry bails on him again, once again isn’t telling him anything, honestly makes him feel that it’s on him, that he can’t be trusted. Sure, he has been distant lately, but after his conversation with Catherine, Alex kind of felt like he had to. It did make him feel guilty towards Catherine, especially because she did thank him for what a good friend he’d been to Henry, but her comment about needing him to be selfish and choose himself, had also resonated. So he’d taken his time, chose himself, focussed more on his mental wellbeing and even went on dates (even if none of those went far, either because they just didn’t vibe, or it went too quick too fast, or Alex felt they got a bit too distant and he broke things off before he could be left alone again), and so contact with Henry had been more of a backburner kind of thing.

Still, he couldn’t help the fact that this very much stung, and sure, Henry seemed to not be in any danger and he feels grateful for that fact, but this was important and for Henry not to be there when he’d been there at his fucking wedding? It hurt.

‘If it helps,’ June says. ‘Pez doesn’t have a clue what’s going on either. He says he also only got a text stating that they won’t be coming anymore and they’ll explain later.’ 

Huh. Alex frowns at that. It’s one thing for him not to know, but for Pez to be out of the loop as well? It doesn’t make his worry any less, but it does ease up some of the hurt, even if it’s only a tiny bit.

‘That’s odd.’ June hums.

‘He says it’s probably a protocol type of thing. Something is probably going on back home which requires them to go back, said the same thing happened with Arthur.’ June stops, looks at Alex.

‘You don’t think?’ Alex frowns, trying to see where June’s train of thought is going, before letting out a bitter laugh.

‘Ha, probably not. From what I’ve heard about her, she’d probably outlive them all out of sheer spite.’ He pauses, considering. ‘I do hope it’s not his mum, however, whatever it is.’ Losing one parent had broken Henry enough as it was. Losing them both? Alex couldn’t even imagine what Henry would be going through. On the other hand, had it been his mother, Alex doubts Henry would have been able to text at all.

‘I hope not either. Whatever it is, I hope we’ll hear from them soon, but let’s try and focus on this, okay?’ Alex sighs and nods. It probably won’t be easy, but by the time he has his damn diploma they will hopefully have more answers than they have now. Maybe they can also get some information out of mum. She probably won’t divulge any information, he knows that, state secrets and all, but if she’s there, it’s probably not important enough. Or, at least, not worrying enough, and that has to count for something.

Besides, he kind of hopes it’s nothing. It may be selfish, but if it’s nothing too important, it’d mean his mum is actually at his graduation, and he actually really wants that to happen. It’s just one day, and while he knows she can never fully turn off President Mom mode until this term is over, all he wants is a few hours. That isn’t too much to ask, is it?

It doesn’t seem to have been the case when they arrive at Madison Square Garden a couple of hours later for the ceremony, and his mom is there. It eases up a lot of the anxiety that had been building up in his chest, and even though he still has no more answers from Bea, Emily, and Henry, who have gone radio silent since their messages that they wouldn’t be arriving, and nothing from the news either that seem to indicate anything is amiss, it at least means he gets to have his mom today.

‘Hi, sugar,’ she greets them when they come close enough.

‘Ma,’ Alex breathes. ‘You’re here!’ The fact that Ellen frowns at that is indication enough that she isn’t aware anything is amiss at all.

‘Of course I am! It’s not every day my son graduates, is it? Is there any reason I wouldn’t be here?’ Alex raises an eyebrow at that, gives his mom a once over.

‘Ah, yes, I suppose you’re right,’ Ellen admits. ‘But so long as this holds I’m yours for the day. How about we go for some dinner afterwards? Bring your friends along with you? Prince Henry, Princess Beatrice, and Princess Emily are also coming, are they not?’ The fact that his mother doesn’t know both eases his anxiety and worsens the hurt simultaneously. Yes, he’s happy, or happier, that nothing major seems amiss, that there isn’t any danger, but it doesn’t change the fact that they all fucking bailed. Henry is one thing, Bea and Emily are another, even if he’s not close to Emily at all, and it stings. He just hopes Pez has managed to get something out of them, but his hopes are honestly quite low. Pez is Henry’s friend first and foremost, after all, so it makes sense for him to pick Henry over Alex. He isn’t even mad about it - he’d be offended on Henry’s behalf if it wasn’t the case, but knowing that doesn’t make it easier.

‘Ah, no, not anymore,’ Alex admits. ‘I don’t know why, but we just got a message a while ago that they couldn’t make it after all, despite them already being on their way, and that we’d learn why soon.’ Alex hates having to say those words, but he also refuses to lie to his mother. It’s not like he’s divulging any secrets anyway, and questions would have arisen regardless. Better to have this out of the way right now.

‘Odd,’ Ellen comments. Ha. You didn’t need to fucking tell Alex that. ‘It may be some kind of protocol that has been enacted,’ she continues. ‘But I’m sure it’s not too worrisome, considering I’ve not been told anything yet. We’ll find out what happened later, honey. Let’s just take it one thing at a time and enjoy the day regardless, shall we?’ And… well. There’s nothing Alex can do but nod. He can rant and fight and scream and feel hurt all he wants, but it isn’t going to bring him any answers, so he might as well take what he can and enjoy that. He can take this up with Henry once he has some answers, after all, and go from there. He just has to be patient.

Even if that’s a fucking difficult thing to do.

Luckily for him, he gets swept up in all the commotion surrounding graduation. The enormity of the situation once they enter the venue, the loudness, the joy and jubilation of his classmates, the ceremony. Seeing Pez and Hannah and Nora definitely helps too. Apparently Henry still hasn’t said anything more to Pez either, but Pez isn’t too worried, considering he’s getting nothing on any of the alerts he’s got set up surrounding Henry and his family, and figures it’s just a protocol thing. He also tells them not to worry too much, because whatever is going on, he hasn’t requested Pez make plans to return to the UK, unlike when he was off in Namibia when Arthur’s health suddenly declined faster than they had expected, and that is a good thing. Alex can see why that’s the case, and honestly, it does make him feel somewhat better. Whatever it is, and no matter how much this hurts Alex himself, he doesn’t want Henry to suffer, never has, never will.

So, with that knowledge lodged firmly into his mind, he shoves down any worry regarding Henry, shoves down all the hurt, and focuses on everyone who has shown up. His dad is there too, and for once his parents seem to be behaving amicably. It probably helps that they’re in public, that they’ve got roles to fulfill beyond just being his parents, but Alex is taking what he can get, and so he takes it all in and lets it wash over him. One of his something goods of the day, even if he keeps this one close to his chest just for him to examine whenever he pleases.

Besides, it’s not like he can stay with them for much longer anyway. He gets shepherded to the section reserved for students quickly enough, while his family and friends make their way to the stands where they’re meant to take their seats. He still has his phone, but Alex shoves it deep inside his pocket so he can take pictures with his classmates later, and decides to just take it all in, and have the best time with his friends from school, because while they do plan on meeting up regularly to catch up, Alex is well enough aware of the fact that this doesn’t always hold up, so he might as well mate the most of it.

Most of the ceremony passes in a blur. If pressed, Alex could hardly tell what happened most of the time, it's seemingly going way too fast and way too slow at the same time. It’s monumental too. Of course, he’s had these moments before, when graduating from high school, and college besides, but the idea that he will never go back to school again, that the only hurdle standing between him and being a lawyer is the bar exam, and that it’s officially all done yet, is something that is bigger than he thought it would be. The next step in his life. Be a proper adult now.

He honestly has to pinch himself, because it just doesn’t seem real. 

At least there’s still the bar exam before he has to worry about all that, and that is stressful enough, so he happily shoves it to the back for now. Being an adult and being done with school and learning and having that part of your life officially be done with is a problem for future Alex to deal with.

He frowns when he feels his phone buzz in his pocket, knows he silenced all notifications and group- and text chains bar anything to do with Henry, if only so he knew when more news arrived. Considering he’s seated and the goddamn graduation robe isn’t making things easier when it comes to grabbing his phone, he lets his gaze travel to the audience instead. He knows his family and friends are seated about as close as they can get without it being too obvious and dangerous, even if only because of security reasons and it being easier to grab them all and herd them out of the same building if need arises. However, when his gaze lands on the place where his family is meant to be, he finds them all, except his mother, who is noticeably absent.

Alex refuses to curse or feel hurt about it, even if he does , because he knows something must have happened for his mom to step out. She wouldn’t have done it had she had another choice, and he knows that, he does, because the country needs her more than he needs her at the moment. It’s OK. It’s the way it is. That still doesn’t explain why his phone buzzed, however, because while he’s sure June would have texted him about this change in plans, he has that chat muted too, and it wouldn’t be blasted in the group chat, would it?

Besides, they’re all looking at their phones now, or at least, June, Nora, Pez, and Hannah are, obviously whispering amongst them, and this is clear enough information that it wasn’t them who texted.

It was one of the other three. 

Fuck’s sake.

Alex immediately goes on with trying to get his phone out of the pocket of his jeans, ignoring the annoyed look the person next to him is giving him with the added comment of how he needs to sit still. Alex tries not to let it hurt him, mutters his excuses, and repositions himself to make it slightly easier on himself to grab his phone while also making sure he sits as still as possible, and bites on his lip to prevent the triumphant sound from slipping past them as soon as he has it out of his pocket and into his hands.

It turns out that he needn’t entirely unlock his phone, however. He swipes away all the notifications he had muted (because the sound off is one thing, turning off all notifications, especially those on his lock screen, is quite another entirely), until he only has his messages left. As expected, June let him know that his mum had to go take a phone call, but that she’d be back as soon as she could. Alex sighs at that, knowing full well that could last the rest of the day, and swipes it away in favor of the other one, and that doesn’t make sense. At all.

Alex frowns at his screen, trying to figure out what the fuck is meant by it all, while simultaneously also trying to follow whatever is going on at his own graduation. It isn’t easy, and his mind is going in overdrive to try and unlock the meaning of it all.

Once he gets there however, of course precisely at a moment that leaves him a little late in responding to what’s happening at the ceremony, especially because he has to join in, it hits him like a truck.

He sees himself going through the mechanics of going with the flow, doing what’s expected of him like it’s been drilled into him, while also disassociating from it all. Because of course it makes sense now. Of course they couldn’t be here. And of course Pez was fucking right about it being protocol and all. The additional leaving of his mother also checks out, even if it pisses him off that she won’t be returning today at all.

Not that it’s her fault, she’s just doing her job, but Alex still feels it’s unfair and it doesn’t make him any less pissed about the situation. Because of course it had to happen today. Of course Henry’s anniversary was going to be overshadowed, even if Alex had the feeling Henry wouldn’t much care about that specific part at all.

And of course Alex could not be mad at him for bailing, not anymore, because it’s not like he had a choice. After all, the text they got, which probably broke all protocols and then some, spelled out the message clearly enough if only you connected the dots.

Queen 🐝

Ding Dong

Chapter Text

‘I’m so sorry you had to cut your trip short, loves,’ Catherine says as soon as Henry, Bea, and Emily, all dressed in black as protocol dictates, enter the room where she, Philip, and Martha are all waiting. To Henry’s surprise, his mum looks surprisingly… cheery. No, that’s not the word exactly, but she at least seems like she’s barely affected by it all, and that’s not at all what Henry has been expecting. It throws him.

Philip bristles.

‘Sorry he had to cut his trip short? I’m well aware it’s his anniversary, mother, but grandmother just died .’ 

Ah, yes, and thank you so much for the non-existent congratulations on said anniversary, Henry thinks, even if he isn’t particularly caring about his anniversary at all. It’s not like either of them meant it, legally binding though it may be.

‘Oh, I’m well aware,’ Catherine replies. ‘But that doesn’t mean I can’t offer sympathy for seeing their trip being cut short, especially when they had been looking forward to it, and they had just left, right?’ Philip glowers at her, and Catherine simply lifts an eyebrow. It’s truly baffling to Henry, who still feels blind sided by it all and doesn’t know how to manage all of this. The fact that Philip is upset about this all isn’t surprising him, but to see mum defend them? Once again? It still doesn’t feel real.

‘Thanks, mum,’ Bea says. ‘Congrats on the promotion by the way,’ she goes on. ‘Also, we might have sort of told them why we had to bail.’ Bea throws herself into a chair as she says the last bit, before going on to pick at her nails, as if she didn’t just announce that they broke several protocols in doing so. Henry is confident the news hasn’t gone out yet as it is, not until they were all officially together, at the very least, though he supposes it won’t be long now.

Philip is turning an alarming shade of red, vein popping on his head, as he glares at Bea. Bea ignores it, while Martha lays a soothing hand on her husband’s arm. Henry doesn’t think it’s helping much, however.

‘Oh, that’s alright,’ Catherine says, not looking surprised at all.

‘Alright?’ Philip near-shouts.

‘Oh, do calm down, Philip,’ Catherine goes on. ‘It’s not like they wouldn’t have found out early anyway. I’m sure President Claremont has already been informed, and given how close all of you are, it was bound to happen.’ 

‘Besides, they wouldn’t tell,’ Emily chimes in from where she’s perched on the armrest of Bea’s chair. 

‘Exactly,’ Henry confirms. They’d mainly done it to ensure them, or, in his case, Alex , that it wasn’t on them. That they did have a valid reason. While Henry knows Alex, June, Pez, and Nora all know that they have had a strained relationship with Mary, they didn’t know it was her who made it all impossible until they told them, and, well, Henry still feels like they deserved that explanation.

‘You can’t trust -’ Philip starts, but Martha digs her nails into his arm.

‘Love, I think they can. Just trust them? They wouldn’t jeopardise anything, and if they’d have felt like they couldn’t be trusted, they wouldn’t have told them at all, am I wrong?’ 

‘You’re not wrong,’ Bea confirms. Philip, to his credit, closes his mouth and shuts up, even if he’s still glowering at them all. A win is a win, however, and Henry is going to take it.

‘Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way,’ Catherine says. ‘It’s time for business.’ She leans against her desk, not bothering to sit down, and crosses her arms.

‘I’m sure it needs no explaining what the planning surrounding the funeral is going to be. It’s been drilled into all of us, and so I’m not going to bother repeating it. If there are any questions surrounding it, I’ll answer them later, but for now I want to focus on what my plans are going forward, especially considering I plan to rule very differently from my mother.’ Henry perks up at that, Philip looks wary, and Bea stops looking at her nails and actually pays attention too.

‘I’m aware that as monarchy, there is little we can do, for we have no political influence whatsoever. That, however, doesn’t mean that we have to be at a standstill and follow rules and ideas that are, quite frankly, outdated. I want my reign to mean that we’re moving forward, becoming more modern, loosening up where we can, and being more inclusive in other instances. Acknowledge our history, misdeeds that have been done. It will take time, surely, and a lot of talking with people who know what they’re talking about, but it’s a start, and I’d like for you all to look into these things if you wish to do so. I won’t force any of you, but it might be something you’ve been wanting to do for a long time, but were banned from doing so.’ The fact that she looks at both him and Bea makes Henry painfully aware of what she’s alluding to, and if he’s honest with himself, it also allows him to hope just a little bit. Hope that things will be changing, that he will be able to make a stand for what he believes in. It’s still unreal, but he can’t squash the hope bubbling up within him, and he, quite frankly, doesn’t want to do so either.

‘It is perfectly fine if you do not, or want to think about it, or both. It’s going to take time. All I want is for you to be aware of the plans I have, so you’re not blindsided when they do come to fruition. These few weeks, months, with both the funeral, and the time leading up to the coronation, are most likely going to be stressful, emotional, and a lot as it is. That being said, there are some things I’m going to want to discuss with you, all of you individually, at some point soon. It’s nothing to be worried about, I promise, but I do think it’s necessary.’ She looks around the room, and it makes Henry frown. He has no idea what to expect, but Bea just nods like she already knows what’s coming, and considering Philip, it also makes a lot of sense considering he’s now next in line to the throne. For them to have discussions - it only makes sense.

‘Now, I’m sure you all want to take some time to wind down and rest before we’re to meet the rest of our family members and all dignitaries tomorrow, so feel free to do so. However - Henry, Emily, if I might have a moment of your time, I would highly appreciate that.’ Bea nods, gets up, and kisses their mother on her cheek before wishing her a good night, but for some reason winks at the two of them. He shares a confused look with Emily, for whatever Catherine wants to talk to them about, Bea is clearly in on it. While they do so, Philip and Martha also take their leave, leaving Henry and Emily with Catherine.

‘Is everything alright, mum?’ Henry asks, as Catherine guides them to the couch Philip and Martha had been sitting on, and sits on the table herself.

‘Oh, yes, not to worry. Of course it’s a change, and it’s a bit surreal that the moment has come, but I do think it’s all alright.’ Emily frowns.

‘She was your mother, though. Are you not upset?’ she asks.

‘To be honest… Not really. I’m aware that this sounds awful, and I do suppose it is, but while she was indeed my mother, she wasn’t a mother. We never really did see eye to eye, and while I am the Queen now and that comes with a lot of pressure, I must admit a lot of it fell from my shoulders as well. Besides, one can take comfort in the fact that she lived a long, happy, and dare I say healthy life, and what more can one ask for? There are plenty of people who were never allowed such luxury.’ Henry swallows at that, knowing full well she’s referring to Arthur - he doesn’t need to see the sad look in her eyes to have that confirmed. It does feel awful to not feel awful about it all, but at least he’s not alone in it. His mother feels the same, and he’s certain Bea and Emily do too, and that does make it relatively easier.

‘Anyway,’ Catherine goes on, taking a breath and looking the both of them in the eye. ‘That is not what I wanted to talk to you both about. Or, rather, not directly?’ She frowns, before shaking her head and moving on.

‘This might be rather out of the blue, and a bit awkward considering the date, and do correct me if I’m entirely wrong about this, but am I correct in saying that this marriage between the two of you was an arranged thing?’

And this wasn’t a thing Henry had been expecting at all. He stares at his mother, blinks, before turning to look at Emily, for his mum isn’t wrong at all. But for her to know, for not to have done a thing about it… It hurts.

Though, maybe he shouldn’t be so harsh. When he thinks about it, his mum has given plenty of opportunities to make a different choice, kept telling him he could, and yet he had taken none of them. Perhaps, if he had done so, she would have backed him up, stood by him, and never let this happen. Besides, she mainly came into the picture after it had already happened, the dice had already been cast. Maybe she had been standing with her back against the wall, just like him, waiting for him to take her hand so they could both take the leap. The least he can do now is actually listen to her.

The look Emily sends him, the way she grabs his hand and squeezes it, at least shows him that whatever he chooses to do, she’s okay with it. She’s got Laura waiting for her. Laura, who’s now out of school and has managed to secure a house. A small one, sure, more of a studio than anything else, but he knows that she would let Emily stay, live with her, if she was able to get out of this. They could be out, free, and that’s what makes him turn back to his mother, and say: ‘That’s correct.’ 

‘Okay,’ Catherine says, nodding. ‘And, again, forgive me my bluntness, but considering how it all came to be - do you want to stay married? I don’t need an answer now, if you don’t have one, want to discuss it first, and if you want to stay married that’s perfectly fine too,’ she hastens to add. ‘But I want to extend the offer anyway, so that if you want out, we can make it happen.’ 

‘You… would actually do that?’ Henry asks, before he can stop himself. He doesn’t mean to do it, doesn’t mean to distrust her, but the truth remains that she hadn’t stepped in before, only had presented him with choices he didn’t think he would be able to make, not without hurting Emily, not with the military looming over his head. He has to know that this is something that’s truly his, that it won’t be snatched away again.

In response, Catherine gets up, walks to her desk, and opens a drawer from which she takes a thick folder. 

‘In here,’ she says, walking back. ‘Is an entire step-by-step plan in order to make this happen. Of course, it needs tweaking to how the timeline will actually span out, for I do think this has to wait until after the funeral and coronation, but the broad lines are in here. I’ve been working on it for a while now, ever since I suspected it might come in handy once that old bat no longer held the throne, but yes, I will actually let you do this. There might be a fallout, it might be a scandal, you need to be aware of that, but I’m willing to weather it as long as it means you both are happy.’

With shaking hands, Henry accepts the folder she hands to them, allowing them both to look it over. Not a word of it is a lie. It truly is a detailed plan, or, as detailed as it can get without the input of the two of them, but it’s honestly more than Henry ever thought he would get, more than he ever dared to hope for.

‘If we were to do this,’ Henry begins to ask, trying to keep his voice level. He isn’t sure he succeeds, but his mother doesn’t comment on it, and Emily is also next to him, shaking. ‘What would we tell them? Reasoning wise?’ Because he has to know.

‘We can be as vague or as honest as you want,’ Catherine says with a shrug. ‘I would advise you to not throw about any names, especially not in regards to my mother, deserving though it may be, but I think you know the power of words as well as I do, and how to avoid that.’ Henry does know that, and he does know the limits, but… be as honest as they want… He looks up again, looks at Emily, who straightens her back and seems to make a decision. Whatever it is, he is supporting her no matter what, and he already has an idea as to what she wants to say.

‘Then I want to be honest,’ she proclaims. ‘It won’t be easy, but, well, we’ve got, what, a minimum of seven months, right? A year, perhaps, to take into account additional time needed, but, well, I think we need to do this, and if we do this, we also need to do it right.’ She nods to herself, squeezes Henry’s arm. 

‘Would a year be accurate?’ she asks then, considering something.

‘I would think so, yes,’ Catherine confirms. ‘I would need to double check this, and it is, of course, also relying on how fast it would be going through court, but everything being settled? Then I’d say a year or so is likely. Possibly sooner.’

‘Okay,’ Emily asks. ‘And would we need to announce it happening, or could it wait until it’s already happened?’ 

‘Waiting is definitely an option,’ Catherine confirms. That seems to be enough for Emily, who turns to him and looks him in the eye.

‘If we do this,’ she says honestly, breathlessly, ‘then they are probably immediately going to find out where I’m going to live. The press is relentless, you know it, I know it.’ She wants to come out. He knows she does. It won’t be easy for her, not with her parents not supporting her in any way, but she’s right. She’s an adult, her parents can’t do a thing, and she would have Laura. No doubt that Pez and some of their friends would also be willing to help out where needed. She’d be fine.

‘Just… I don’t want to put you in a position where… you know. I need you to be okay with this, too.’ Catherine, to her credit, studies her nails as the two of them converse, and doesn’t seem to be put out in the slightest that she’s made to wait, so Henry takes his time to mull things over. He doesn’t want to deprive Emily of the opportunity to do so, and if he refuses to come out himself, then it could lead to an even bigger backlash than expected. 

But then there is the idea of coming out regardless. He doesn’t know if he’ll be allowed, because even if his mother sits on the throne now, even if she allows them to get out of this marriage, it doesn’t mean he’ll be allowed to come out. It’s still the monarchy, he’s still a Prince, whether he likes it or not, and with that come certain expectations.

On the other hand, his mother has prepared this, had given him hints that he could choose. Maybe, with Emily next to him to draw strength from, it isn’t so bad to try and bite the bullet. He has a no already, he’s expecting a no, but if his mum says they can be as honest as they want…

So he nods. Emily’s face breaks out in a smile. ‘You’re certain?’ she asks, even if it’s just to confirm one more time.

‘Yes,’ he answers.

‘Okay, cool, cool. Okay.’ She steels herself again, takes a deep breath, turns back to Catherine. ‘Then hear me out. I want to do this. I think we want to do this, but it needs to be done honestly, and that means that I want to come out at the same time.’ Catherine doesn’t even blink at that. Henry tries not to hold his breath, but he can’t help himself.

‘Okay,’ she says, calmly. 

‘And I think we should drop the news, if we can align it as such, during Pride.’ Henry blinks at that. Emily isn’t done, yet, however, and barrels on. ‘I don’t want to take away from Pride at all, but let’s be honest here - Mary already did with announcing our engagement during it. We tried to fight it, she didn’t listen. And, well, if we announce this and we announce as the reason that I’m, well, very much gay, I feel like that’s also an absolute celebration of it all, and basically reclaiming what’s been taken from us. If… if that’s okay, with you.’ She loses steam at the end, but Henry can’t blame her for that. It’s a huge statement to make, especially during pride, though Henry can’t help but love this idea entirely.

‘How do you feel about it, Henry?’ Catherine asks, tentatively, entirely ignoring the question directed at her. ‘Is that something you’d be okay with doing as well?’ 

‘I think it’s a good idea,’ Henry starts, slowly. ‘I think we should do this.’

‘Do the announcement during pride?’ Catherine asks softly. She’s looking at him like she knows there’s more behind it, but she’s also leaving him an out, to leave it at this. But Henry is so tired of hiding, so tired of not taking the opportunities that he’s given, of not believing. He’s missed out on so much, and while he’s still terrified, the words Alex spoke to him, in a fit of hurt and anger, reverberate through his head. He doesn’t want to live in his tower, and be miserable, because getting out of his marriage is one thing, but still not be able to live his life freely is another, and he has to take this chance, and hope he isn’t making the wrong decision here.

‘Yes,’ he says, before he takes a deep breath and steels himself. ‘But I also want to come out, mum, because I’m also gay, and if you truly mean that we can be as honest as we want to, I need that to also mean that.’

Out of all the things he was expecting, hoping for perhaps, or dreading in equal measure, it wasn’t his mum getting up from where she’d taken a seat again on the table in front of them. He clenches his jaw, holds on to Emily’s hand which she’s slipped into his own, and tries not to be disappointed. He knew it could have been a no, it would be rejected, but for her to say nothing, and walk away, again? It hurts more than he thought it would, but he won’t let himself break down in front of her. So he does what he does best, tries to swallow around the lump that has formed itself inside his throat, ignores the stinging in his eyes, and tries to be happy about the fact that they’re at least getting out of this sham of a marriage. After all, it's still better than nothing.

He lets out a shaky breath as she turns their back to them and walks towards the desk, again. Henry has no idea why, but frankly, he doesn’t give a damn. She still hasn’t said if she’s even okay with the announcement during Pride, had merely offered an okay at Emily coming out, and nothing more besides, so he doesn’t know quite what to think, beyond being angry at himself for expecting better from his mother. But he should have known, after everything, he should have known.

‘You know,’ his mum says, conversationally, rummaging in the drawer once again and seemingly oblivious to his state of mind. Henry bites his tongue, clenches his jaw, and blinks so much to try and stop the tears from happening, that he almost doesn’t have the room anymore to even feel anything about that conversational tone, nor to have the care to figure out what in the blazes she’s doing. ‘It’s a bit of a funny thing.’ She lifts out another folder out of the drawer, before she shuts it again, walking back towards them. Henry is still biting his tongue, doesn’t understand why she even thinks it’s funny, but he also can’t say another thing. To open his mouth is to start breaking down, and he can’t do that, not right now.

‘When I first started working on this, it was mainly because of something your father told me years ago, but which I’d shoved to the back of my mind. Not because I didn’t believe him, because I did, but, well, it was more of a hunch, and it wasn’t something we’d often discussed later on, if at all. As you know, life happened, and then I’ll admit it got rather too painful, and it wasn’t until this all happened that I got reminded of it again.’ She’s still walking slowly back towards them, eyes trained on the folder, and Henry doesn’t know where the fuck she’s going with it, but he also can’t ignore the glimmer of hope bubbling up within him, even if he tries to squash it. He tries to ignore the ties to his father, doesn’t want to put the puzzle pieces together until he has the entire set, lest he end up being wrong, and he can’t be wrong about this. Never about this. So he holds his breath, tightens his hold on Emily’s hand, and tries to continue to listen, even over the ringing in his ears.

‘I started looking for the signs, tried to see if he was right in the end. He did always understand you better than any of us ever did, after all. It took me a while, to be honest, and while I couldn’t be entirely sure until now, even if I felt like I did have my suspicions confirmed, I knew I had to be prepared.’ Henry is pretty sure he’s stopped breathing all together, especially when his mother sits back down in front of them and lifts her eyes to his, a proud smile on her face.

‘And honey, you need to know how proud I am of you for coming out to me, trusting me with it. And, most importantly of all, you must know how proud he’d be of you. For having such a huge heart, for being so kind, so loving, but most of all for how strong you are, have always been, despite everything thrown at you. He loved you so much, Henry, and you must know that we always, but him first and foremost, would have, will , fight for you to live your life as openly and honestly as you want. So, if coming out is what you want, of course you’ve got my support.’ 

Henry can’t help himself then. A sob claws its way out of his throat, and the tears he’d been fighting so hard against, bubble over and simply refuse to stop coming. Whatever is in the folder his mum brought over is immediately forgotten and pushed to the side, Emily letting go of his hand and whispering something about letting them have a moment. He barely notices it, barely notices her getting up and his mum taking her spot, immediately drawing her arms around him and pulling him close to her chest in the first hug he’s had from her since before his father died.

He collapses into her arms, crying his eyes out, as she rocks them from side to side, holding him close, running a hand through his hair. Her voice in his ear, a constant stream of ‘I’ve got you’, ‘It’s okay’, ‘Just let it all out’, and ‘We’re so proud of you’. He doesn’t miss the way she keeps pressing kisses into his hair in between, how she doesn’t let go at all, and it’s all so much that Henry doesn’t quite know how to handle it all.

The idea that his father has always known, even if he never got to tell him himself, the way she’d acted upon it to try and help him out. The fact that her most important thing for him to know was that his dad knew, loved him, would have been proud. He doesn’t quite believe it, can’t quite believe it, but if anyone knew his father the best, better than Philip, even, it would be her.

‘You really mean it?’ Henry hiccups into her shoulder. He can’t look into her eyes, he can’t see it if she really didn’t mean it, but he has to know for certain. ‘That he’d be proud?’ He hates how small his voice sounds, how vulnerable, but he pushes onwards. ‘He wouldn’t be… ashamed?’ He has to know. Has to know she means what she said. Philip’s words from years ago are still bouncing through his head, and while he knows Philip isn’t the kindest person, has never been truly kind to Henry, or at least not ever since dad died, the words still won’t leave him.

‘Oh, honey, no,’ Catherine says, horrified, pulling back so she can look him in the eye, even if she doesn’t let go of him. ‘Of course not. What on earth gave you the idea?’ 

‘It’s just… Philip said…’ Henry sniffles. ‘It was ages ago, but… he knows , and he said dad would be ashamed if he’d see me and…’ He doesn’t want to tattle on his brother, he really doesn’t, but his need to know outweighs it all, and for once, he doesn’t care .

‘Henry, love, please listen to me and hear me when I say this,’ Catherine says, slowly. ‘Your father was not, and would never, be ashamed of you. He wouldn’t have given a damn if you were straight, or gay, or anything in between, as long as you were happy . He loved you so much, and if he’d be ashamed of anyone at all, it would honestly be me, for having let you all down, and having been a terrible mother to every single one of you since his passing. But it would never have been any of you. Ever. Even if he would have been angry at Philip for even daring to suggest he’d be ashamed, and I shall be having words with him about saying that, okay?’ 

All Henry can do is nod, tears still streaming down his face, and he doesn’t even realise he’s saying the words until it’s too late: ‘But mum… I’m not happy.’ He didn’t mean to say them, he really didn’t, but it doesn’t make them any less true. He knows part of it might be his depression speaking, and sure, he’s been fine , but happy? He hasn’t been that since he let Alex go, and to think that he might have let his parents, his dad down, by not being happy? It absolutely shatters him.

‘Oh, love,’ Catherine murmurs, softly wiping away the tears from his face, even if it’s futile considering they keep falling. They’re falling from her eyes now too, a shattered look in her eyes, even if she keeps looking at him with that same loving look in her eyes he used to see so much when he was younger.

‘It’s not just this circus that’s causing this, is it?’ she whispers. ‘Even though it’s probably a significant part of it, or am I wrong?’ Henry shakes his head, unable to talk past the lump in his throat. He had expected to see his mother cry today, especially after every other time he’s seen her deal with grief, but to think it was because of him? He truly hadn’t seen that coming. But still… she’s not wrong. Not at all, though he wonders how much she knows about it.

‘Ah, no, I didn’t think so. Look… Henry. This life… it isn’t an easy one. It isn’t for me, it isn’t for your brother, no matter how well he seems to deal with it. I dare say it wasn’t even for my mother, or anyone else who has ever held our positions. However, I don’t think I’m wrong in assuming it’s been particularly hard on those who had a lot to hide, couldn’t be themselves, or those, who are, frankly, quite introverted, or anxious people to begin with. I’m not saying this to make you believe it’ll be easier once you're out, that you’ll be happier. You might be, you might not. What I am trying to say is, that if you think a life outside these walls would make you happier, free from all these obligations, free to pursue whatever you want, live wherever you want, and to just be utterly yourself without needing to hide so much from you, then I will help you get out. You need only say the word.’ 

Henry blinks at her. It honestly feels like he’s dreaming. Everything he’s ever wanted, didn’t dare dreaming of having, was basically presented to him on a silver platter. He only needed to take it. It seems unreal, like a fantasy, but his mother smiling softly at him through her tears wasn’t something his dreams had ever conjured, nor did the feeling of her wiping away his tears feel so real.

‘You- You’d let me renounce my title? On top of everything else?’ he asks, voice shaking, disbelievingly.

‘I would, yes,’ Catherine says, letting go of his face with one hand and reaching behind her to grab the folder she’d abandoned. 

‘Henry… this folder contains plans for letting you come out, things to be aware of, as well as plans for renouncing your title, steps that need to be taken. It’s all here. Your dad and I always thought that this life was hard, that if any one of our children wanted out, it would be you. We wanted to give you this ability, damn the press, damn what everyone thinks, because all we wanted is for all of you to be happy. You aren’t happy here, you’re admitting as such yourself. I know I haven’t been the best mother to you, to any of you, but know that your happiness is my priority first and foremost, and everything else comes later. Including the Crown. So yes, if this is truly what you want, and I am absolutely not expecting an answer now, for this is a big step to take, then I’ll make it happen. I know I can’t do much else about the rest, but I can do this.’

He takes this folder too, clutching it to his chest, not daring to open it, but trusting that his mother is right about this, that this contains everything he needs to know, that he can get out.

‘If… if I do this. Would I need to stay here while it gets sorted out?’ he asks, tentatively, mind going a mile a minute. It’s all a lot, but the one thought that is running through his head is Alex. It’s not unusual, really, but he’s in New York and with one of the shelters being there too…

‘In part yes, though this is mostly to do with everything surrounding the funeral and coronation. However, we can slowly ease you out of the public eye, out of assignments, maybe find some that align more with what you would like to do after… where you’d like to be after. Am I wrong in assuming you’d want to go to The United States?’ Henry tries not to gape at that, but isn’t sure he is succeeding.

‘I mean, Pez does have a shelter there,’ Henry murmurs. Catherine smirks.

‘Oh, yes, of course he does. So it hasn’t got anything to do with a certain former First Son?’ Henry sputters at that.

‘I - mum, what… I mean… no .’ Yes. But, well, Henry is aware enough of the fact that he hurt Alex. Besides, if he does this, he has to do it for himself first and foremost. No matter how much he wants, getting Alex back isn’t a guarantee. He knows this. It’s just a bit unreal that his mother knows . 

‘Oh, hmm. Well, if you’re sure.’ 

‘Yes! No. I mean… How did you even… Besides, I hurt him… I… Even if I wanted to,’ and he did, ‘it doesn’t mean…’ He shakes his head. ‘And if I do this, I need to do this for me. I can’t go in and only do it for him. That’s not fair. I can’t put those expectations on him.’ Catherine hums.

‘Well, to answer your first question, I’m sorry to say love, but the two of you are as subtle as a brick, at least to those who know you, or recognise the look in one’s eye.’ She smiles at him sadly. ‘But you do bring up a good point here. It is indeed unfair to put it on him, and you do need to do it for yourself. However, considering you’re still in each other's lives, I would advise you to talk to him. I think you can both use it, even if it’s just to clear the air, talk it out, regardless of how that talk works out. You’re clearly beating yourself up over it, love, and at least then you have that weight lifted from your shoulders.’ 

He can do that, he thinks. Yes, it would hurt if Alex decided he wanted nothing to do with him anymore, but then at least he knows where he stands, and it isn’t like he’s expecting him to take Henry back anyway. He doesn’t deserve it, and so he won’t put those expectations on him, or himself. He’s hurt Alex too much already, he won’t make it worse.

So he nods, his mum smiles again and squeezes his shoulder.

‘You good, now?’ she asks. And, well, while he doesn’t think he’s good, not exactly, he does allow himself to hope for the first time in years, and that’s more than he ever dreamed of.

‘Better, yes,’ Henry allows, because this is as honest as he can be right now.

‘Good,’ Catherine says. ‘Now, let’s go rest up. I’m sure your friends are awaiting responses from you, and we’ve got busy days ahead. Do tell Alex congratulations from me, won’t you? It is quite the accomplishment.’ Henry nods, smiles, gets up.

‘I will mum, thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ He grabs the other folder, clutches them both to his chest. He has a lot to think about after all, and he might as well get on with it, lest it’s taken from him again, and he isn’t going to let that happen.

Chapter Text

Alex truly wasn’t having the best start to his day. It all started with oversleeping long enough that he had to rush out of the door and forgo any chance of coffee before he had to head out, curls in sheer disarray to the point he knows it’s going to bite him in the ass later, but, well, he figures that because today is a shelter day, Pez might take pity on him and let him fix it in the bathroom when there is a fucking moment. He’s not sure if there will be one, to be fair, considering it is Pride and Pez was adamant on going all out for it, but one can hope.

It’s also not helping him in the slightest that his phone keeps fucking buzzing in his pocket. He knows it’s not Pez, or, at least, it shouldn’t be , because he isn’t late (yet), and if it was important then it’s something that surely can wait the minute or three it’ll take for him to get there. Answering his phone, or, more accurately, trying to wrench it out of his pocket as he weaves through the people in his path, and then attempting to answer it while also trying to get to work on time would surely take more time than necessary and so it all has to wait.

Even if he’s wondering what the fuck happened to make his phone blow up.

He shoves it down for now, knowing that if it was really severe, Pez would send him right back out the door again once he gets in, so with that in mind he continues weaving around the people on the streets, as he books it to the shelter to make it in time. He won’t be late, and especially not on the first day of Pride, thank you very much.

He bursts through the doors with two minutes to spare, and while he immediately stops in the doorway once he gets there it’s not to catch his breath.

Or, well, it is, in part, but it wasn’t quite his intention.

The first thing, or person, rather, he sees upon entering the shelter, is none other than Henry himself. Alex, who hadn’t been aware that he’d even be here today, can’t do anything but stare for a moment as he takes him in. He looks good, is the thing, nervous, perhaps, and slightly worried as he turns to look at Alex, but good nonetheless. 

It’s all rather unfair, if you ask Alex, especially because they’ve barely spoken in the past year, bar the necessary congratulations upon his mother’s Coronation, and the occasional generic text like wishing the other a happy birthday. It was mostly by Alex’ orchestration, if he was honest, born from a lot of thinking, especially after the talk he had with his mother, and just focussing on himself. Choosing himself. Working on his health, going out more, trying (and failing) to date. Putting himself out there, trying to move past Henry. It hadn’t been easy, still wasn’t easy, but he was trying and that had to count for something.

And now here he is, standing across the floor from Henry, who continues to look like the fucking Prince he is, while Alex barely manages to come across as someone put together.

At least he’d put on matching clothes this morning. It would have been even more embarrassing if he hadn’t.

‘Alex,’ Henry greets him, a small smile on his face, and Alex absolutely hates how that smile still lights him up from the inside.

‘Henry, hi,’ Alex greets him back, because, well, he can hardly not, right? He clears his throat and runs a nervous hand through his hair, wincing when his fingers get stuck in his curls and Jesus Christ, he really needs to do his hair. ‘I wasn’t aware you were coming today.’ Or was in the USA in general, but, well, that probably goes without saying.

‘Ah, yes, that was rather by design,’ Henry admits. ‘Not because of you,’ he hastens to add. ‘But, well, you know.’ Alex frowns, because he absolutely does not know thank you very much, but it’s probably the wrong thing to say, so he keeps his mouth shut. Unfortunately for him, Henry still has a good read on him, and he nods towards the huge television that’s mounted at the wall. Alex keeps frowning, but he lets his gaze slide towards the television regardless, where CNN is playing a breaking news story. 

And he feels the blood drain from his face immediately.

Because it can’t be. It can’t be. He did not go through all that for it all to have been for nothing. He did not keep it from Henry because there had been no fucking point in telling him anyway, but no matter how much he blinks, no matter how loud the ringing in his ears is getting, the words are fucking branded on his eyelids and he isn’t able to take any of what they’re saying, or whats happening around him, in at all.

Prince Henry Gay

It was all for fucking nothing .

He barely notices how shallow his breathing has gotten, barely notices what’s happening, that he’s being led away into a room with a couch where he’s made to sit down. The ringing in his ears just doesn’t fucking stop, nor do the words disappear from his eyelids, and all he can think is This cannot be happening . 

He also doesn’t get why it’s happening. It’s Pride, sure, but he’s kept a low profile, or as low a profile as one like him can keep, and he can’t think of a reason why the fuck this is happening right now. It doesn’t make sense, but whatever it is, he must have fucked up somehow, because the words just don’t fucking disappear and the ringing won’t stop, and Henry is fucking here and probably hiding from the press and this is probably why his phone is still fucking buzzing and thiscannotbehappening.

He vaguely notices someone talking, a pressure on his legs which he assumes is coming from his elbows, a slightly painful tugging feeling on his scalp which probably means he’s got his fingers lodged inside his curls again and that’s okay, that’s something, maybe focussing on that will make it all go away, make it all a fucking dream that he just still needs to wake up from, but somehow it still doesn’t or it’s just that he’s unable to wake himself up, which, ha, is the irony of the goddamn century considering his insomnia, and he absolutely hates it, hates himself because this is all on him, and he just wants it to stop .

‘Alex.’ 

It sounds faint, so faint, like he’s fucking imagining it, and it must be because it’s Henry, but it also doesn’t make sense, because this is all about Henry and Henry fucking told him to leave and is fucking married now and sure they tried to remain friends somehow but he still fucked up and the words won’t leave his eyelids and if Henry is here then Henry must be with him right now and it just. It doesn’t add up and he wants to yell and scream and hide but he also can’t fucking move and his chest feels tight and the stinging in his scalp doesn’t relent and if this means it’s actually real and he’s here and Henry is here and Henry is trying to talk to him and he’s not imagining it it must mean he’s in the middle of a panic attack and he can’t, he can’t let Henry see this, he can’t let Henry help him, but he also can’t do it alone, and if there is anyone who can tell him it’s not real it’s Henry but it would also mean he probably has to explain what got him in such a state and he doesn’t want to do that either and he’s so fucking lost.

‘Come on, love.’ 

Come on, where? It doesn’t make sense. He can’t fucking move, barely feels like he can fucking breathe, and the tightness in his chest is only getting worse, and the pressure on his legs is almost getting painful, and the tightening of his fingers in his hair isn’t getting better either and focussing on that doesn’t fucking work and thiscantbehappening, thisisntreal, thiscantbehappening .

‘Breathe in with me.’ 

He can’t he can’t he can’t, but he tries anyway, he has to, because maybe if he can he’ll see it’s all a dream and not real and that Henry isn’t fucking outed and that everything is okay as it fucking can be. So he tries, he tries so hard, but it isn’t getting better, it feels the fucking same, it isn’t letting up, he’s failing over and over and over again.

‘And out. That’s brilliant, love.’ 

It’s not. He’s not doing it. But it fucking sounds like Henry and he can’t let him down, not again, he can’t be too much and not enough again and just fail like he’s done before, because why else would he have been a fucking mistake, and why else would he be out now, it’s just all his fault and he just can’t let this be another thing and so he tries, and tries, and tries.

‘That’s it, you’re getting there. In again, now.’ 

His breath is still shaky, but somehow, some way, his chest starts to loosen up, the ringing in his ears is slowly fading, and he tries, and tries and tries.

‘And out, again. You’re doing great, love.’ 

His fingers loosen themselves from the tight hold they had on his curls, and while he’s trembling all over, he does feel like he’s able to breathe again. He still follows the instructions, however, tries to open his eyes again, because maybe then he won’t see the words burned on his eyelids anymore, and even though he’s getting more and more aware that it is in fact Henry who’s helping him calm down and even if he absolutely hates the fact that Henry is the one to see him this way, at least he knows that he can ask Henry if he imagined it all. After all, he had to be.

‘There we go,’ Henry murmurs. ‘You’re back with me again?’ Alex nods, slowly, unable to say a word at the moment, but he doesn’t think he needs to, not with the way Henry looks absolutely relieved. He warily watches him getting up from where he was perched on the ground in front of him, only to grab the throw from the couch beside him and wrap it around Alex. He barely registers Henry telling him he’ll be right back, just blinks slowly and burrows himself into the blanket, but before he knows it Henry’s back, glass of water in his hand, which he offers to Alex.

‘Is there anything else you need? I can do? Or are you alright for now and just -’ 

‘How are you so calm?’ Alex interrupts him, voice scratchy. It’s… nice that Henry seems to want to make sure he’s alright, that he seems perfectly at ease with making sure he’s okay, but it’s absolutely baffling to him too.

‘Honestly, Alex, I’m not as calm as you think I am. I… just… seeing you go through that, just now, and honestly feeling that I wasn’t getting through to you, I-’ 

‘No, no, no, no, no,’ Alex interrupts him once again, vehemently shaking his head. ‘That’s - that’s not important right now.’ 

‘What? Alex, of course it is!’ Henry protests. 

‘ You’re out!’ Alex throws back in his face. He truly doesn’t understand how Henry’s first worry is about him and not himself, and how his reasoning for not being as calm as he looks was about Alex. ‘Or did I misread that entirely?’

‘No, you’re right, I am, but… Alex, is that what brought this all on?’ Henry looks confused and it’s confusing Alex and it doesn’t make any sense and it’s honestly upsetting him even more, so Alex just barrels on.

‘So how are you not upset? Why are you helping me? It doesn’t make sense. I… God, you got outed and it’s probably all my fault -’

‘Alex, what? I wasn’t, it’s not -’

‘And I tried so hard to protect you, I did, I came out and everything, made sure… and now. It’s just, I don’t get where I went wrong and I’m so sorry -’

‘You - what - Alex, you told me your coming out was your own choice!’ 

‘And it’s so fucked up because you’re fucking married -’ 

‘But I’m not?’

‘Like, don’t they have any ounce of respect? Besides, you’re a Prince -’

‘I’m not a Prince anymore either.’

‘And they probably still won’t allow you to- wait what?’ Alex blinks at Henry, as the words he’s been saying finally seem to be landing in his mind. To be fair, his mind is still reeling in the aftermath of it all, so he doesn’t think it unlikely that he misheard what Henry said, especially because those are words he never expected to hear from Henry at all. Or, at least, not anymore.

‘Alex,’ Henry sighs. ‘While we are coming back to your spiel regarding you thinking this is all on you and somehow your mistake and your entire coming out, I need you to understand that you did hear me right, and that this is in no way your fault at all.’ Henry makes sure that he’s looking Alex in the eye as he says this, and because of this, Alex knows he’s entirely serious.

‘Would you like me to explain, or would you rather watch the entire announcement first and have me explain later? I do think it would clear up a lot.’ Alex frowns.

‘But… you’re here.’ It’s still not adding up, and maybe he should put it all together, but the fact remains that he just can’t right now, even if it does make him feel stupid.

‘Ah, yes, that I am. It is pre-recorded, however, so I was able to get out, and Emily to Laura, before it all hit, so we could try and avoid the press as much as we could in the wake of it. I merely need to grab a laptop so I can show it to you without a million analyses on top of it all, if you wish.’ 

It is a kind offer, and one he does appreciate. The thing is, however, that he isn't sure how much it would clear up. Announcements like those, even if Henry wrote most of it himself, would have been vetted and tweaked by the Palace Staff no matter what, and if Henry offers to explain it anyway, he might as well hear it directly from the source.

‘No, no, that's… alright.’ He attempts a shrug, doesn't quite succeed. ‘I'd rather hear it from you.’ At least Henry doesn't seem offended by it. He merely smiles and makes himself more comfortable.

‘If that's what you wish,’ he says, and then he starts explaining. It’s a long explanation, and to his credit, Henry seems to be explaining this as detailed as possible, starting from how his mother, who he’d been expecting to be grief riddled in the wake of losing his Gran, pretty much immediately sat both him and Emily down to have them confirm they were in an arranged marriage, and giving them the option to get out of it if they so wished. How they both wished to do this as honestly as possible, with the both of them coming out at the same time too. 

Alex has to admit that he wasn’t aware that Emily was gay, hadn’t suspected for even a moment, but that it makes sense now, especially when Henry explains he’d known Emily a long time, and they were both aware of the other’s situation, and how this was to be a cover for them both. And while the situation still saddens him immensely, at least Henry seemed to have done the best he could, especially in light of the revelation that, if he hadn’t done so, he would have been shipped off to the military and probably then forced to marry a woman anyway, before he even knew it was happening.

Henry isn’t finished, however. He explains how he had a private talk with his mother then, one where it was revealed how she and his father both had suspected he was gay, had never thought the life within the palace walls was one that befitted him, giving him the option to also rescind his title if he so wished. How he had had to think about that one, that final step, but had ultimately taken it too. The way his appearances had gradually declined, but that the ones he did were more and more in line with LGBTQIA+ issues, how he had gotten more and more involved with the shelter, publicly, under the guise of it being official royal work, Pez being instrumental in it, for it had been their idea, and it would also help with eventually shifting the Brooklyn shelter to Henry.

‘I do apologise about the fact that you haven’t been informed about all of this, considering you still volunteer your time here, once a week, don’t you?’ Henry says then. ‘Truth is, though, that while Pez knew all about this, we haven’t set an official date of the signing over, because, while the proceedings to make this all happen were happening, even if the annulment was finalised in April, and me rescinding my title a few days ago, it still didn’t feel utterly real, like it could, somehow, still be taken away from me until it was announced. But now it has, now we can officially inform everyone that it’s going to happen, now that I can start building a life here, in America.’ 

Alex stays silent for a bit. It’s all so much to take in, to learn, and the idea that he hadn’t read the headline properly and had flown into a panic attack over nothing at all doesn’t sit well with him either, especially because Henry seems intent on not letting it go, even if it was put to the side for now. But it also doesn’t make sense, not really, because Alex knows there are more shelters than this one, including one in the UK, and yet Henry chose this one, out of all of them, and it feels significant in a way he doesn’t know if he truly wants it to happen, and so he has to know.

‘So, now you’re here , because… you’re what? Trying to win me back, or something?’ It comes out harsher than he intends to, but Alex doesn’t take a moment to feel guilty about it all. His mind is still spinning too much in the aftermath of his panic attack, the implications of allowing Henry to stay for the duration of it, to help him calm down, as if Henry wasn’t the root of it all. The explanation Henry had given, everything that it means, with Alex having no idea how to feel about it. If he wants to feel anything about it at all, even if he can’t stop the feeling of pride coursing through him because Henry finally took the step to get out, to try and be happier.

‘The main reason I’m here,’ Henry starts, slowly, as if he’s carefully choosing every word, and fuck if this isn’t helping Alex’ anxiety at all. ‘Is to get away from the UK. While I’ll admit that having mum, and Bea, and Emily, and Laura around and support me is a tremendous help, I’m not blind to the fact that all this coming out in one go, the annulment, both of us coming out, me relinquishing my title, also means that the press will be relentless. By getting out ahead of the announcement, there was this hope that I would be hounded less, while also allowing me to start living the life I want to live, which, frankly, is away from it all, which is one of the reasons why I chose America.’ Henry pauses again, and Alex is kind of glad for it. Not because this still isn’t the full answer, but it at least gives him a better understanding of why Henry is here specifically, and the implications that here is where Henry wants to start living the life he wants to live aren’t lost on him either. It still doesn’t mean anything, though, because Henry could also very well mean the shelter and everything it entails, and it could still have nothing to do with him, and honestly, Alex isn’t sure if he even wants the answer to that.

‘The fact remains, however, that in doing this, I will be on my own, or, as on my own as I can be with security still trailing me, for basically the first time in my life, without the Crown weighing down upon me. It is daunting, to be fair, and I do think that means that it’s best if I don’t date until I’ve found my footing.’ Okay, so, that means he isn’t there to win Alex back. It doesn’t come as a surprise to Alex, not really, not after everything, and not being enough, but also too much, and a mistake to boot. He also isn’t even sure if he wants Henry to still want him, to come and fight for him now that he’s got the chance, because while it would make him the happiest he’s been in years, he’s also not blind to the fact it’s already gone wrong once, and Alex isn’t sure if he’d be able to survive the heartbreak again. Isn’t sure if he’s willing to take the leap once more.

‘That- That makes sense,’ Alex nods, while trying not to sound defeated. He’s not sure if he succeeds, but at least he can explain it away as just being done with today, that he’s tired, drained. It wouldn’t even be a lie.

‘However,’ Henry continues, while looking Alex straight in the eyes. ‘That doesn’t mean I’m not open to try and do just that, down the line, if you were open to me doing so. I’m not blind to the fact that I’ve buggered things up tremendously, that I’ve hurt you, that you still carry that with you, and I would spend my life trying to make amends for that and still not have enough time to right all the things I’ve done wrong by you. I am well aware that I am most likely several years too late, and that I’ve missed my window of opportunity. I wouldn’t blame you, or be offended in any way if that’s the case. You don’t have to tell me now, or at all, if you don’t want to. You don’t owe me anything. I just don’t want you to think that I wouldn’t try to win you back once I’m ready and if you’d be willing, because I would do so, in a heartbeat.’

It’s one thing to hear Henry say it, feel the warmth spread in his chest, the hope that blossoms, but it’s another to feel the fear creep up, taint every feeling, the It was a mistake reverberating through his head over and over again like Henry just said it all over again. It doesn’t make sense, because if it was a mistake, why would he want Alex again? Why, if none of it should have happened, would he want to subject himself to everything that is Alex all over again? What if he realises, again, that it was all a mistake, and that it’s all too much? It isn’t too much of a stretch after all.

‘Why?’ Alex asks, before he’s able to stop himself, but no matter how hard he tries, the words keep spilling out of his mouth. ‘You said it was a mistake, that none of it should have happened, so why would you want to do that?’ He’s not actually sure he wants the answer, didn’t even want to ask it. He’s feeling raw and vulnerable enough already without that answer being thrown into the mix. But, well, it’s out there now, so it’s not like he can take it back. He’s not sure Henry would let him either, not when he’s also adamant on coming back to the entire coming out story, and while Alex wishes Henry would forget all about it, he doubts it’s something that will happen.

Henry looks so utterly horrified and heartbroken that he wishes he could take it all back, but before he can even open his mouth to tell Henry to forget it, he speaks.

‘Alex, surely you don’t think I was referring to our entire… relationship, do you?’ And, well, he does, actually. He thinks about lying for a second, but instead just shrugs.

‘I mean, yeah? You said it was a mistake, that it had all been too much , and that clinging on would mean it turning into another mistake. What else was I supposed to think?’ 

‘Christ, Alex, no , that’s not what I meant at all!’ Henry says. His eyes are wide, he’s shaking his head, looking, if possible, more horrified than he already did. It doesn’t help either that when he reaches out and places a hand on Alex’s leg, Alex feels himself flinching before he can help himself. To his credit, Henry immediately snatches his hand back, starts wringing his hands together instead, and while Alex can see Henry try to keep himself together, he can also see his eyes start to well up, and this is truly fucking unfair.

‘I… sorry. I didn’t mean - sorry.’ His voice wobbles, but Henry takes a steadying breath, shaky though it may be. ‘It’s just… Alex, I could never have regretted you.’ Alex shakes his head, refusing to believe it, but Henry barrels on.

‘No, Alex, please, it was truly never you. I… realise now how those words could have been taken that way, and I cannot ever tell you how sorry I am for ever making you feel like it was you, like I regretted you, when you’ve been, are , the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me. All I meant was that we never should have slept together that night. Not that I regret sleeping with you, I could never, and I did consent to it, but, Alex.’ Henry stops there, even if only to make sure he is able to look Alex in the eyes when he goes on. Alex isn’t making it easy, he knows, because this is all too much and it doesn’t make sense and it does at the same time, but Henry isn’t fucking done, and Alex isn’t capable of stopping him even if he wanted to.

‘I… don’t think it’s just me, that when I think about it, that night, I feel like it was way more than just sleeping together. That we actually made love that night, and, it’s just… It’s something I always wished would happen, even if I never dared dream that it would. But knowing that we couldn’t continue our relationship, and yet doing what we did, because I couldn’t stop it, was too selfish to, and fully realising what I had to give up, what I had to take away from you, even if I did fully believe you would be happier without me, it’s just… I felt like it would have been better if we could have spared ourselves knowing that, knowing what it felt like, and that’s why I thought it was a mistake. Because it was all too much, in the best way, but that’s why it hurt so much more to give it all up. That’s what I meant. It was truly never you, for you’ve been nothing but utterly perfect, though I understand it if you don’t believe me. I certainly haven’t earned that.’

It’s all too much. Alex’s mind is reeling, the knowledge that it was never him, that he’d never been a mistake, that he’d been perfect, spinning around and around in his head. All those times he had been wondering what he did wrong, where he’d been too much, what he could have done to prevent it all from happening. The way he’d been so scared of letting anyone else in again, letting them get too close, how he’d broken off relationships he’d tried to have ever since it happened the moment he felt it was headed that way, knowing he couldn’t hear it again. Had that all been for nothing?

‘And, well, if, in light of all this, you’d rather I align myself with a shelter elsewhere, especially so you can have all the time you need to process this, and figure out where you stand, then Alex, you must know that I will do that, no questions asked.’ 

It’s so fucking kind, so generous, and he looks so worried, and it’s all so much, but Alex shakes his head.

‘I can’t ask you to do that,’ he replies, hoarsly. ‘And don’t come at me with the I’m offering shit,’ he hastens to add when he can see Henry open his mouth in reply. ‘It’s just… you need this too, and just because I’m going to need time, I can’t stand in the way of you building a life here. I… that’s not fair of me to ask, especially when all you did was be honest.’ 

‘Are you certain?’ Henry asks, and fuck if the way he’s trying to work with what Alex needs isn’t making him feel things.

‘Yeah,’ Alex nods. He isn’t sure, not really, but at least this means he can keep an eye on Henry, as opposed to having him move away again and then be blind sided if he chose to go back after all. At least maybe this time, he’d know beforehand if Henry decided to do so.

‘Okay,’ Henry says. ‘Then… one more thing, and I promise to leave you be after that, considering it’s already been a trying day and, well, I’m sure you’d prefer to see some other faces, or none at all.’ He’s not entirely wrong, especially because Alex is more and more aware of the fact that he still hasn’t got any work done, and he isn’t even sure how much time they've spent in this room already. Not that he thinks Pez minds, as long as he’s okay, but he also doesn’t want to let those kids down either. He still nods, however, knowing what’s coming and dreading it all the same, but, well, best to get it over with now, he supposes.

‘But… you said, earlier, that you came out in a way that implied that you protected me while doing so, and you were apologising thinking this was all your fault. But when you came out, you told me that it was your decision to do so, so what I’m wondering is, what happened?’ And fuck, if that isn’t a loaded question. Henry looks so open though, so worried, but so eager to find out what happened, and, well, Alex knows he can’t lie himself out of this one, so he won’t.

‘I didn’t lie, if that’s what you’re wondering,’ he says, with a shrug. ‘It was my decision to come out. It… just happened a lot earlier and with a lot less planning than I originally envisioned.’ He wraps his blanket tighter around his body before continuing. ‘The thing is… You remember Richards? Mom’s opponent, back then?’ While Henry nods, Alex continues, barely even noticing that he did. ‘He tried to come after her, tried to discredit her, through me. I don’t know why the fuck he thought that was okay, but whatever. Point is that he hacked into the server, managed to get a hold of all our emails, and was planning on selling that to the highest bidder to forcibly out both of us.’ 

Henry looks paler and more shocked than Alex has ever seen him, and while it unsettles Alex, actually kind of wants to stop talking while he’s ahead, he also knows he has to get this all out.

‘The team found out, and while all my devices, and those of June, and Nora, and everyone else, was scrubbed off all information, we were basically left with the choice of letting it play out, or try and get ahead of the game by having me come out to take that agency away from him. It was my suggestion to do so, Nora ran the numbers, and, well, that’s how it happened. I just… It was my choice, and I don’t regret it, because nobody should be outed before they’re ready, let alone by anyone else but themselves, and no matter what had gone down between us, I wasn’t going to let you deal with that hell with barely any support at home. It was a no-brainer.’ 

‘Christ, Alex,’ Henry starts to say, white as a sheet, but with a gratefulness to his voice that Alex doesn’t feel like he deserves. The only thing he did was make the right choice, be a fucking decent human being. He hardly deserves any thanks for that.

‘If I’d known, I -’ 

‘But you didn’t,’ Alex interrupts. ‘So, please, don’t… just don’t beat yourself up over it, or say how you would have done shit differently. You didn’t know, so it hardly matters, does it? It’s not like it would change a thing anyway.’ Henry swallows, nods, opens and closes his mouth a few times, but no sound comes out. It’s fine, Alex thinks. It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s out now, he’s told Henry, it’s all done.

‘Those mails, those pictures, would you like them back?’ Henry asks then. ‘Or would you rather I delete them?’ Alex blinks.

‘You still have them?’ 

‘Yes,’ Henry admits. ‘That, and a shirt you left behind on accident, if we’re being completely honest. I must admit that it might be a tad… stretched, but -’ 

‘You… Did you wear a shirt I left behind?’ Alex doesn’t quite know how to handle all of this either, the knowledge that Henry still has everything, kept a hold of it, including, apparently, a goddamn shirt he left behind, while also implying that he’s worn it on occasion. It’s a lot to process.

‘I… might have, yes, occasionally,’ Henry admits. ‘Whenever I needed some extra strength to get through the day, or through appointments and meetings which I knew would be hell on me, whenever I needed to feel more brave. It’s stupid, probably, but it kind of felt like I was being held up whenever I did so. I never would have done that if I’d known you lost everything. You must know how guilty I feel about it all, and I promise you I won’t do it again, and I will give it back, or throw it away, if you wish it, you need only say the word. I just wish to level the playing field, as it were, even if it’s a few years too late.’

‘You don’t have to do all that.’ The words are out of his mouth before Alex realises it, but he doesn’t regret them. He doesn’t know if he wants Henry to keep it all, or return it to him, but at least he doesn’t want to make the decision right now, so for now he’s quite happy to leave it as it is. The idea that he can get it all back is soothing enough for now as it is, that maybe he didn’t quite lose it all, not entirely, and considering the idea that he might lose it all over again when he thought he could never have it in the first place is too heartbreaking to even consider, so this is a good midway point.

Besides, even if the thought that Henry had it all along, seemingly made use of it whenever he needed a hand to hold on to, makes him feel jealous because he didn’t have the opportunity to do so, he’s also not blind to the fact that Henry did all that while operating under the knowledge that Alex had equal opportunity to do the same. It’s not fair to get angry at him for that, not when he immediately offers to quit it all, to level the playing field. And, well, it does also make him feel slightly better that he was there for Henry when he needed it the most, even if he wasn’t aware of doing so. Maybe it means that all Henry’s text messages, which were a lot more open than all the ones Alex sent back, all the offerings, the honesty, and his willingness to do whatever Alex needs, and the want to fight for them once they’re both ready, is something Henry is absolutely willing to do. That he’s willing to fight for Alex, that he maybe won’t leave, not ever, not unless Alex tells him to.

‘You’re positive?’ Henry asks. ‘I truly won’t mind.’ Alex nods.

‘Yeah. I mean, I might change my mind later, but for now, yeah.’ Henry smiles, nods. He still looks a bit pale, and the smile is a tentative little thing, but it’s there nonetheless.

‘Okay,’ he says. ‘Well, I suppose I’d better keep my promise and leave you be, if you’re positive you’re well enough now? You can absolutely take as much time as you need.’ Alex frowns.

‘But Pez, the kids -’ 

‘Completely understand,’ Henry says. ‘They’d rather you come back feeling well enough, than see you come back early and still be on edge. I’m sure of it. Just take your time, alright?’ Alex can’t do anything but nod, even if he knows himself well enough to know he’ll be out there sooner rather than later. Still, a few minutes alone to take it all in, let it all settle, doesn’t hurt, and so he remains seated, as Henry gets up and walks to the door, and leaves the room after one more assessing look at Alex.

And Alex? Well, he feels drained, tired, is sure he’s looking more of a mess than he did when he entered, but while he’s sure he will be processing this for a long time and will have long talks about it in the therapy he’s still going to, he also feels a lot lighter, now he’s gotten some answers, and got everything out in the open himself.

And maybe now he can finally properly start moving forward, whether that is with or without Henry. He certainly hopes it is the case.

Chapter Text

There isn’t much that changes over the next couple of months. Yes, Henry is here now, and yes, he’s working at the shelter, but it doesn’t mean that Alex has started hanging out with him more. Henry seems content to leave him be, to let him process everything in his own time, and while he doesn’t ignore him, for he does make small talk with him whenever they’re both at the shelter and have a moment, he doesn’t seem to be expecting anything from Alex.

It bothers him as much as he appreciates it.

It’s a conflicting thing, and he hates that he can’t make sense of it all. He wants to go to Nora about it, or Hannah, or June, but he feels like they might all be too biased in this situation, even if they are around quite often and therefore also have seen Henry. To talk about this with his therapist feels a bit like a step too far, even if he knows she’d help him try and figure it all out. It’s so much though, and he doesn’t know where to start, or how he’s meant to feel. He knows he’s scared at least, mostly about him leaving again, though the lingering fear of being too much and not enough and a mistake still haunts him too, even if Henry disputed all those arguments already.

He knows it takes time, though, knows words like that can’t magically undo the years he’s spent with those thoughts, everything he’d thought to be true, so he tries to give himself some grace about it, even if it’s a hard thing to do.

With every day that passes with him being in Henry’s presence, however, he slowly starts to gain more and more confidence that Henry is here to stay. It’s not just the fact that Henry is there, even though that does play a part in it. It’s the way he seems more loose, more at ease, every time he sees him. It’s the way he seems happier, lighter, even though he apparently does still have his bad days. The anecdotes he hears about David having finally been flown over, or Bea coming to visit. The changes he’s apparently made to his house, or the café he’s found which actually serves good tea. The book club he apparently joined. It’s the way he seems to make a life for himself here, a place where he’s here to stay. 

And, well, people don’t do that if they’re planning to leave, so he allows himself to slowly build up that trust.

The first time he actually spends time with Henry outside of the shelter, however, is entirely Pez’ doing. Alex isn’t entirely surprised by it, and figures that he had to have seen it coming, but Pez is at least forward thinking enough to not let it be the three of them. Hannah, June, and Nora, all of whom travelled in, now that Hannah is back in New Jersey to be somewhat closer to her family, and Nora and June in Massachusetts, considering Nora is still at MIT, all join them in the bar that Pez had dragged them to. It’s a very small venue, and Alex would never have even known it was there if it hadn’t been pointed out to him, but it allows them relative privacy without them needing to rent out a place just for the six of them, and Alex can very much appreciate that.

It has a karaoke set, something Hannah, Pez, and Nora immediately make use of, leaving Henry, Alex, and June at the booth they’ve commandeered. Alcohol is readily flowing too, even if both he and Henry mostly stick to non-alcoholic drinks. Alex has the feeling June appreciates it, though more out of a worry towards him than anything else, but the truth is that Alex is feeling less and less inclined to drink, and he doesn’t want it to conflict with his medications either. Besides, he doesn’t trust himself when it comes to Henry being here, doesn’t want to do or say things he’s not ready for or will regret later, and while he doesn’t know Henry’s reasons for barely drinking either, whether it’s solidarity or any other reason, he does appreciate it too. He’s heard too many tales about Henry and vodka, has seen the guy drunk himself, and he isn’t sure if he’s prepared to deal with that version of him.

The evening out is still nice, though. There’s enough of them that the conversation flows easily, without it getting awkward. As the time progresses they get more and more comfortable too, though Alex isn’t sure if that’s the alcohol talking for most of them, or whether it’s actually genuine. Alex has told them about it all, kind of had to considering how out of sorts he was about it, and, well, there was no avoiding telling June (and therefore Nora), and Hannah, not when they both basically went full big sister on him, and how unfair is that? But he’s also glad they know, and have talked with Henry whenever they saw him, talk with him now, so maybe, just maybe, he’s also working to regain their trust, especially with it all being out in the open, and how much of it had been shit communication, if there had been any form of communication about it at all.

And so the meet ups continue. Sometimes it’s just with Pez, sometimes Hannah joins, or Nora and June come over. It’s rarely ever the six of them together, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that it’s gradually getting easier, that Alex himself feels like he can relax more and more around Henry, talk to him more, go beyond surface level and talk more about how they feel, or what they’re going through in life. Henry still doesn’t push, still lets everything go at Alex’ pace, but that doesn’t mean Alex misses the joy in his eyes, the ease, whenever it’s the two of them. How easy it is to get lost in their own conversation. It still scares him, and he still doesn’t know what he wants from Henry, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t happy to seemingly have him back in his life in a way he had, but didn’t at the same time. It makes him think back of the earlier months, before they kissed, except face to face now, instead of solely over texts and calls, and he thinks that he doesn’t really hate it.

But it isn’t just the hanging out either. It’s also the little things that Henry does. Alex knows it isn’t just for him, that Henry isn’t being considerate just to get back in Alex’ good graces, because the thing is, he does it for everyone. A small birthday gift when it’s someone’s birthday at the shelter, an attentive question about something someone had mentioned in passing they were dealing with, inquiring how it’s going now. How he fills up people’s mugs and glasses with more drinks without needing them to ask, but somehow knowing they need it anyway, and never getting it wrong. He doesn’t notice it at first, not really, but he’s fully confronted by it when Alex is at Henry’s house for movie night with Pez.

It had started off quite normally, Alex coming in straight after work and having dealt with a gruelling case which had left him drained and exhausted, but not enough to cancel on his plans, especially when he felt like it could actually help him shift his thoughts away from it all. Henry had taken one look at him, but hadn’t questioned it, and just acted like everything was normal. At the end of the night, however, when Pez had said his goodbyes and it had just been the two of them left, Henry had insisted Alex stay considering how exhausted he looked, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. The spare bedroom had been set up, a new, clean set of pajamas laid aside for Alex, a note that he could find shampoo, soap, a new toothbrush and toothpaste in the bathroom if he so wished, before Henry had sent him to bed and had gone to his own bedroom to sleep too. 

Alex had been too tired to notice right away, but when he took a shower the next morning, and had seen the cabinet full of products he’d heard June and Nora talk about, but also the products he liked to use, he tried and failed to absolutely feel nothing about that at all, especially when Henry took no credit for it at all, and simply asked if he’d slept well while passing him his morning coffee, topped off with cinnamon. If anything, he started to feel even more than he ever felt before, even though he tried to shove that all down, for he still didn’t know if he wanted this at all. But, well, that was a problem for later Alex to deal with.

Still, after that, it was hard for even him not to notice everything Henry did, how much pleasure he took in being able to take care of people, make them feel good, seen, in a way he had never been allowed to before. It was like he lit up from within, the side of him he had to keep hidden from so long, had buried underneath layers and layers of rules and protocol and training, the sides he only had been able to see glimpses of whenever they’d been alone, it was all coming out now, and it was like Henry fucking shone.

‘How are you able to get any work done?’ Nora comments, later, when she’s sat across from him on the couch in his office at the shelter, legs thrown over June’s lap, throwing popcorn in the air and catching it in her mouth like this is some kind of fucking show. Though, it probably is, to her.

‘What do you mean?’ Alex asks, as he clears away the cases he’d been working on today, while his sister and Nora wait for him to finish so they can go out for lunch. Pez is out for the day, to his great despair, though Alex has no doubt he’s probably finishing up things as fast as he can so he can drag them to dinner later. He doesn’t quite want to know.

‘It’s just, the way you keep fucking staring at Henry. It’s amazing you get any work done if you’re always acting like this,’ Nora clarifies.

‘I’m not staring at Henry,’ Alex says, knowing full well that he does. At times. He can’t fucking help himself, okay?

‘You kind of are, lil’ Bit,’ June says carefully. She looks at him with that worried big sister gaze, one Alex absolutely isn’t ready for, and so he focuses on the task at hand. ‘We’re just worried about you, Alex. You said he’s changed, and we can see that he has, and really, he seems to be doing wonderfully, but I just don’t want you to fall into situations you might not be ready for. I’m not saying that either of you are doing so,’ she continues, holding up a hand to prevent him from interrupting, ‘but I think the question you need to ask yourself is what do you want your relationship with Henry to be. Is it just friendship, or is it more than that, either now or eventually?’ Ha, and isn’t that the million dollar one?

‘I… I don’t know,’ Alex admits. He doesn’t want to, would rather let it all rest, but he knows he has to talk about it with someone, and while he would know June would let it rest if he so asked, he also feels like he needs to get it out.

‘That’s okay,’ June says. ‘You don’t have to decide now, or at all. Can we help you talk it all through, or do you want to figure it out on your own?’ Alex sighs, sits down in his chair, gives up on even attempting to clear away his stuff before they head out.

‘I… don’t know that either,’ he says. ‘I mean. Fuck. I’m not over him, and I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be, but is that enough? I just… I keep thinking what if, and I hate that I do that, but I also can’t turn it off.’ 

‘You’re scared,’ Nora helpfully summarises. Alex glares at her, but considering she isn’t wrong, there isn’t much heat behind it.

‘Yeah,’ Alex admits. How could he not be? Yes, he talked with Henry, yes, miscommunications were talked out, but even though they did that, it doesn’t mean he’s stopped being scared of it all blowing up again, of Henry leaving once again, ghosting him once more. No matter how happy he was with Henry, how he knows how scared he was, how much of him was held back by the rules and no matter how much he truly believed Alex would be happier without him, it still doesn’t negate the fact that he did all that, no matter how good his intentions might have been.

‘That’s fair,’ Nora allows. ‘But, just my two cents, you shouldn’t let that fear dictate your life. I mean, no offense, and I know it’s easier said than done and you’re working on it, but whether you decide to want to try with Henry again, or just let it all be what it is and continue to live your life, chances are it might happen anyway, with him or with someone else, depressing though it may be. People are shit, especially when they think they can gain something from us, but unless you try, you won’t ever get over it.’ She stretches, before letting her feet fall off June's lap as she swings herself around.

‘Nora!’ June protests.

‘What? Am I wrong? Listen, I’m not telling you what you should do. I can give you odds if you want, but this is a decision only you can make. Is he worth trying for again, or is he not? That’s the question. Just think about it, make lists if you need to, talk to your therapist, or Hannah -’ 

‘Hannah said the same,’ Alex interjects. Nora grins.

‘I knew I liked her. Anyway, do what you must, take as long as you need, but make that decision, because the longer you take, the harder it will be.’ She stands up after that, and finishes: ‘Now can we go eat?’ 

Regardless of her words, even though they do go out for lunch after that, he doesn’t make a decision. Instead he makes lists after lists, always coming to the same conclusion, which is basically that while he does still have feelings for Henry, it’s still the what if that weighs on his mind heavily, and he doesn’t know which one outweighs the other more.

He does talk about it with his therapist a lot, tries to figure out what he wants and why he wants it with her help, but it isn’t until March, when Emily and Laura, a small woman, with short, curly, red hair, and thick dark framed glasses, show up for a visit and announce their engagement over dinner with all of them, including Bea, present, that he truly starts to steer in a certain direction, mainly thanks to Laura.

Up until then, the dinner had gone smoothly. They had been excited, talked a lot, and while Alex had been sandwiched between Hannah and Henry by pure chance, it wasn’t like they were too close or constantly touching. In fact, Alex hadn’t thought much of it, had just been happy to relax, and see everyone relaxed as well, but he had spoken with Henry, just quietly, as the talk had kind of diverted into small groups of people, as to not have to shout across the table most of the time.

‘Have you ever thought of, you know, getting married again?’ Alex asks Henry. It wasn’t like he had thought about it much, but with the engagement having been announced, and it technically meaning Emily was getting remarried, he did start to wonder. He himself wasn’t sure if he ever wanted to get married, not with how his parents had gotten divorced, and how he’d seen Henry be forced into it. His mum and Leo might be happily married right now - it didn’t mean the fear wasn’t still there. Besides, too many people still thought him too much, so Alex did think it likely that, if he were to get married at any point, it was basically doomed to fail anyway. He doesn’t like the fact that he thinks this way, wishes he could change it, wishes he will ever be comfortable enough in a relationship to want to try, and maybe he will be, but for now he’ll settle for hearing Henry’s view about it all. He was the one who has gone through it all after all.

‘At times, yes,’ Henry admits. ‘It’s not a necessity for me. Being able to be in a relationship, not having to hide it, and then both of us being comfortable enough where we are, and happy as we are, is more important to me than a piece of paper. However, I do think I would like it, to be able to do it in a way we’d both be comfortable with, without all the rules and expectations and lavishness that came with my marriage to Emily, now that I actually can. Does that surprise you?’

‘No,’ Alex says after a moment of thought. ‘Not really, but I also wouldn’t have been surprised if you wouldn’t have wanted it either. I mean, you’ve always been a romantic kind of person, y’know? With all your love for Austen and happy endings and all that. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with it. I just mean… It makes sense. But… aren’t you scared it’s going to, like, go wrong again?’ He didn’t really mean to answer that question, and the look Henry sends him, like he’s absolutely sure what Alex is implying here, that he might, is, projecting his own insecurities when it comes to marriage upon this all, is not one he likes. It still scares him to know he’s still such an open book to Henry, that Henry still manages to see all of him even when he’s trying to hide it, even after all this time. But it also makes him feel seen, accepted, because Henry is still here, still talking to him, and hasn’t even hinted once that he was getting sick and tired of him, even after being around him, close to him, for a longer period of time than they ever had been, even through text, and that feeling is so nice that he allows himself to have it for longer and longer periods of time, just to bask in it, to let himself believe, even for just a moment, that maybe it could be alright. Maybe he actually will start to believe it outside of those moments too.

‘Hmm, but did it go wrong when it was never the right thing to begin with?’ Henry asks him. ‘I’m aware that this sounds rather rude, but neither of us ever saw any of this as anything real, even if it was in the legal sense, and both of us acted more like roommates, who happened to be great friends besides, the entire time. It was a way of protecting ourselves when we had no initial way of getting out of the situation, always with the knowledge that if we would be offered that handhold, that we would take it if we both felt like we were in a place where we had solid ground to land on once we took that leap. Because of this I think I can safely say, for both of us, that it never truly went wrong, but even if it did, I wouldn’t say I’m scared of that. I would imagine that, knowing what I know now, that I wouldn’t go into marriage again unless I was absolutely certain it was something my future partner and I both want, and, yes, it may go wrong, but Alex.’ Henry stops here, to make sure Alex looks him properly in the eyes before he continues, and the intensity and hope and wonder in his eyes is a wonderful and powerful thing to behold.

‘It can also go right , and I’ve seen how utterly beautiful that life can be, even if it comes with hardships. Just looking at my parents, for instance, it was amazing how in love they were, even after so many years, even when everything went downhill, when my father got sick. And I choose to believe, to hope, that if marriage would ever again be in the cards for me, this time to someone I truly love, that we would have a life like that.’ 

Henry seems so convinced of it, so hopeful, and truly, whoever Henry ends up with, Alex utterly hopes that he would get that life. He’s seen so many hardships, even in a life filled with privilege, caged and restrained though it was, and despite it all, despite everything, he still chooses to believe. He can feel himself get swept up in it too, see the hope, the belief, and it’s also not like Alex has seen it all go wrong, especially with how happy his mother is with Leo, but relationships just failed one too many times in his close circle for him to be able to believe in it like Henry does. Still, it’s refreshing to see, to hear, and it does give something to think about.

‘I hope you can get that,’ Alex says, sincerely, because no matter what he believes for himself, he does hope Henry gets to have this.

‘Thank you,’ Henry answers. ‘But what about you? Would you not want to get married? It’s absolutely okay if you don’t by the way, I know it’s not for everyone, for whatever reasons they may have.’ He phrases it in such a way that, despite his reassurances, ones Alex thinks he does mean, it sounds like it’s something he has not been expecting. Alex sighs, wrings his hands.

‘I don’t know,’ Alex says, honestly. ‘Maybe? It’s just… the way it went with my parents… and I know I can be a lot… I don’t know if it’d be something for me. Like, I’m not saying no, but I’m also not saying yes either. I guess I just need to feel very secure to even want to consider it. Did you expect otherwise?’

‘I… Honestly, yes,’ Henry says, sheepishly. ‘But only because, well, when you go for something you tend to go all in, or at least from what I’ve noticed. That’s why I, kind of wrongly, I suppose, assumed that this would include marriage, down the line, anyway. What I failed to take into account, however, is what you’ve been through when it came to your parents, and I don’t think what I did to you helped a lot either, so that’s entirely on me, and I do think it makes sense for you to be wary of that. The most important thing is that, whatever happens, whoever you choose to be with, if you choose to be with anyone at all, is that you’re happy with it, regardless of anyone else’s expectations, so whatever I, or your parents, or anyone else thinks or expects, it doesn’t matter, as long as you’re happy with it, and you’re on the same line as the person you end up being with.’ 

It’s easier said than done, especially when all Alex wants is to make other people happy, but he is right. He knows he is. It’s something his therapist has been trying to teach him too, that it is okay to choose yourself over others sometimes, especially when doing so much to make other people happy can be detrimental to your own health when it starts to go in the too much territory, and especially when you don’t get anything in return. It’s hard to see the line, for it is often thin, and he’s working on it, but it does help that Henry is saying it too, and that he immediately apologised for assuming and not realising how much the experiences in his life impacted him until he was confronted by it. 

‘Thanks,’ Alex says, because what else can he do? He doesn’t feel like deep diving any more into his feelings, especially when they’re out with all of them, and it’s not like Henry was wrong, and he did apologise, so, well, best to leave it at this and try to lighten the mood, so that’s what he does.

‘I need to know, though,’ Alex continues with a teasing grin, as he pokes Henry in his side, resulting in a surprised, but playful glare thrown his way. ‘At this imaginary wedding you think of, will you finally have those two champagne towers?’ 

‘You’re never going to let this go, are you?’ Henry says, exasperatedly, but in that fond tone Alex has come to recognise as something often reserved for him, if not only for him.

‘Obviously not,’ Alex grins. 

‘Well, if I decide to do so, I’ll let you be the first to know.’ 

‘Hmpf, boring, but okay.’ Alex grins, and so does Henry, and it feels so good, so natural, the banter between them, the jokes, that he actually kind of wants to bask in it even longer. 

‘You do realise I expect the same at your wedding then, if you choose to have one, right? And a large cake besides. Maybe, as the groom, you won’t be as inclined to topple one over.’ Henry grins, leans fully against the back of the booth as he has his full attention at Alex. Alex kind of wants to shove him, but doesn’t, for there isn’t that much room, and he does know how to behave, thank you very much.

‘That wasn’t my fault, you asshole,’ Alex grins. ‘Or, maybe not entirely, anyway. You were as complicit as I was, in any case, so maybe I should be wondering if you can be trusted around it.’ 

‘I was doing perfectly fine next to it until you showed up,’ Henry counters, before he pauses. ‘Though maybe that means we both ought to stay away from -’ 

‘Oi, you two, if you are done talking, we’re thinking about getting the bill and heading out? It’s getting rather late,’ Hannah interrupts them. The way she smirks at them means nothing good, if Alex has come to know her well enough, and he knows he’ll be interrogated by her sooner rather than later. Besides, she’s gotten so close with Bea, that he also won’t doubt the fact that they’ll be gossiping about the two of them later.

‘Huh?’ Alex responds dumbly, because it honestly wasn’t that late, now was it?

‘What he means is that that’s perfectly fine with us,’ Henry responds smoothly. And, yeah, okay, that would have been his answer indeed, but he’s still reeling about the fact that, after a quick look at his phone, it is indeed getting rather late, and if Emily and Laura are jetlagged to hell and back, which wouldn’t be surprising to him at all, then it’s probably best to round it off and reconvene tomorrow, or at least, later in the week regardless.

So that’s what they do. They get the bill, argue over the way it should be split, before Henry and Pez drag the bill towards them and split the cost evenly between them before anyone else can get a word in edgewise. Neither of them will accept any payment in return, and Henry especially seems to be happy to do this, claiming he never really had the chance to even argue about stuff like this, and now that he can do it, he wants to do it too. Alex, at least, shuts up after that, and instead lets it be. He figures he can maybe make it up to Henry at some point later, even if he probably wouldn’t accept it anyway.

They get their coats, bickering all the way, and then leave the restaurant, pairing up in groups once again. Hannah and Bea no doubt gossiping together, Pez, June, and Nora also talking ahead of them all, a fact Alex is kind of glad about because he does not want to know what they’re talking about if Nora’s grin is anything to go by, and right in front of Henry and himself, Emily and Laura, holding hands and walking closely together. Despite that, however, they can still hear snippets of their conversation, though neither Henry nor Alex makes an effort to interject themselves into it. It’s too much of a hassle to do so anyway, and it is rather adorable to see how Laura leans her head against Emily’s shoulder as they walk, so they leave them be and quietly talk about things that the other had missed at the shelter, and the progress they both made with the kids, albeit in different ways.

Or, at least, they do that until Alex overhears Laura asking Emily if he and Henry are together and she’d missed it altogether, and Alex promptly trips over his own feet. 

Henry’s arms shoot out to catch him, and manage to do so, saving him from a rather ungraceful faceplanting onto the pavement, worry etched onto his face.

‘Are you alright?’ he asks, as he helps Alex right himself, and only lets go of him when he’s certain Alex won’t fall again. Alex nods, grateful for the save, and tries not to think about how Henry’s arms had felt when he caught him. It’s not easy though, not when Laura’s words are ringing in his head, because they aren’t dating. They aren’t , and it isn’t really a big deal in the grand scheme of things that she thinks that they are, but on the other hand, what if others think so too, and what if Henry thinks that too, and does he even want it? He doesn’t know, and he hates that he still can’t make up his mind about it, even if he’s leaning more and more towards the maybe wanting to try again, and -

‘Are you certain?’ Henry asks, still looking worried, and also a bit uncertain, and like he’s steeling himself for something before he continues and Jesus Christ, is he afraid of his reaction or something? Alex doesn’t want that, he doesn’t want him afraid for simply wanting to ask a question, and fucking hell, he’s really fucking this all up, isn’t he? 

‘It’s just,’ Henry continues, lowering his voice so as to not be overheard. ‘You tripped the moment Laura asked that question, I can literally see you spiralling, and you truly don’t need to answer any of this, or talk to me about it if you don’t feel like it, and I swear I’ll let it go, but I at least hope that you do know that I don’t think that we are.’ Alex swallows, and he’s glad for the out Henry gives him, he really is, and the reassurance is nice too, but…

‘It doesn’t shock you?’ he blurts out. He doesn’t mean it, not really, but his mouth has always had a mind of its own and he actually does kind of want to know where Henry stands in all this.

‘Hmm,’ Henry considers, actually taking his time to think about it. He appreciates it, he really does, but it doesn’t make his thoughts stop spiralling and he actually really wants to know now that he asked the question. Still, Alex knows he has to be patient, he knows it, it’s just a bit hard at the moment.

‘Not exactly,’ Henry says, slowly. “By which I don’t mean that I expected it either, let me be clear about that. I suppose it just makes sense to me, for I don’t think I’m wrong in saying we both kind of lost awareness of our surroundings at dinner tonight, considering how wrapped up we both were in the conversation, for someone who doesn’t know us as well, or at least hasn’t really seen us around one another, to jump to a conclusion like that.’ While Alex isn’t quite sure whether he agrees with such a statement, he at least also has to acknowledge that he’s less observant than Henry is, and stuff like this would be more likely to fly over his head. Now that Henry has spelled it out, however, he can kind of see where he’s coming from.

‘I wonder though, why is it that it shocked you?’ Henry asks, like Alex isn’t still trying to make sense of it all in his head. Whether Henry intended to stop Alex trying to make sense of it all or not, it does result in his thoughts screeching to a halt and instead diverting to try and figure out why he was shocked about this. It does help, he finds, to think about his answer, to make lists about it, and stop spiralling in a multitude of directions, to the point he wonders if Henry actually did know what he was doing by asking this question.

He probably did.

‘It’s just… I guess what you just said makes sense, but I just wasn’t expecting it? I’m just so used to everyone knowing we’re not that I didn’t see it coming, and I know it wasn’t aimed at us, but it also makes me wonder if everyone is expecting it or wants it to happen, or… or… something , and it’s just so much because I don’t even know what I want and -’ He stops, shakes his head. His mouth opens and closes a few times, but he honestly doesn’t know what else to say and - 

‘Alex, breathe,’ Henry says, resting a hand on his arm tentatively. Alex does so, refuses to shrug off his hand, because it helps him ground himself and honestly it does feel nice to allow himself this again. 

‘It doesn’t matter what everyone else expects, now does it?’ Henry asks. 

‘I mean, one could argue that it does kinda matter what you want.’ Henry snorts, shaking his head, and it’s such an unexpected sound, one Alex hasn’t heard in so long, that he whips his head around.

‘Well, okay, fine. I’ll give you that. My point is, though, that it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks, or expects. People are always going to have expectations, but they don’t matter. Not really, anyway. What matters is what you want, and it’s entirely okay if you don’t know what that is. You can take your time.’ 

‘But what if I never figure it out?’ he asks, softly. ‘What if I let people, or you, or whoever down because I can’t decide what I want most?’ The grip on his arm tightens, but it isn’t painful, rather more a direction from Henry to look him in the eye. 

‘Alex, you must understand that you could never let me down, and I think I can speak for everyone here that it is the same for all of them. All we want, all I want, is your happiness, first and foremost, you understand?’ He nods, because he has heard it all before, has heard Henry tell him this as earnestly as he does now. Whether he believes it, especially from Henry, is another story, but he’s fucking trying to, especially when he has been nothing but kind and considerate, and frankly been trying since before they even fully talked it out, to the point he even communicated a simple emoji when he had a bad day to assure Alex he wasn’t ghosting him, not again.

‘Good,’ Henry nods. ‘Now, I don’t know if we can help you figure it out, or if it’s something you want to do yourself. It’s perfectly fine if you choose to do that, I merely wanted to put the offer out there, should you wish it.’ He offers this at a perfect opportunity too, for they’ve reached the corner where they have to say their respective goodbyes to Pez, June, and Nora, who are going in a different direction than all of them. They chat for a bit amongst them, agree to meet up and to discuss the details later over text, for Henry, Pez, and Alex do have work, and Emily and Laura want to go sight-seeing, and go their separate ways. Between the four of them it’s easier to talk and walk at the same time, and so they do, until they reach the hotel the two of them are staying at, and then it’s just the two of them left.

‘It’s just,’ Alex starts, stuffing his hands in his pocket as he returns to their earlier conversation. ‘I guess I’m scared, most of all,’ he admits. ‘Of it going wrong again.’ Henry, to his credit, catches on right away.

‘In general, or, if you were to consider it, with me specifically?’ he asks.

‘Both,’ Alex admits, for it was a large reason for him breaking off pretty much all of the relationships he’s tried since Henry. So scared that people thought he was too much, or that they got tired of him, that he broke it up before they could, before he could get hurt, again. ‘But… to be honest, mostly you.’ 

‘Okay,’ Henry says, slowly, clearly mulling over his words, before he tentatively asks: ‘But you are considering it? Dating me, specifically? Just so I’m sure I’m understanding you correctly.’ 

‘I… yes,’ Alex admits, after thinking it over, because it was one thing to let it slip, and another entirely to be honest about it, both to Henry and himself. He’s still scared, he’s still unsure, but the truth is that he is considering it, trying to see if what he feels is worth trying for again, and he isn’t going to lie about that.

‘Okay, yes, okay, that’s… that’s good to know,’ Henry responds. Alex frowns, but Henry doesn’t allow him to get a word in, even if he was able to find his words. 

‘So, what I’m wondering about is what exactly you're afraid of. Is it the idea of dating me in general, considering what happened, or is it more being scared of going in too quickly and too fast to the point it would be too overwhelming, or too reminiscent to how it was before?’ Oh, and that’s the thing is it? Alex knows it’s both, knows he’s afraid to let himself get lost in Henry, get overwhelmed by how it is, in the best way possible, but then also being hit by that fear of what if, and what if it gets too much for Henry again, and he wouldn’t be able to stop it?

‘Both,’ Alex says. ‘But I guess I’m mostly afraid of it going too fast? Both for myself but also for you? Because I know I went too fast last time, that you weren’t prepared for it, and I just… I can’t go through that again.’ Henry stops them then, close to the brownstone where he lives, but closer still to Alex’ place, on the corner where they’re meant to go their separate ways, like he needs to get this out before they each go their separate ways. 

‘Alex,’ he whispers. ‘I want you to know that you’re not the only one who’s afraid. That, if we were to do this again, I also need us to take it slow. Not just for my sake, but also, really, for yours. I lost you once, Alex, and it was entirely and utterly my fault, and if we do this again, I want to do this right, as you deserve. Take my time to properly date you, the way I’ve always wanted to date someone, but was never allowed to do. Just… take it at a pace we’re both comfortable with, no rushing, no expectations. I know it’s scary, and that it’s terrifying to take the leap, because, frankly, it is. But I’d rather try, and know I have given it all I could, than not having tried at all, and always wonder how it could have been. However, I do not want to push you any certain way. We both have to want this, and if you decide the risk is too great, then it is what it is, and I’ll accept that. All I want is for you to be happy, in whichever way that is, whether that’s with or without me.’ 

It absolutely is doing nothing to Alex that Henry is here, putting himself out there, saying he wants to date Alex again, that he wants to take the leap, no matter how scary, knowing full well that Alex could very well decide that he is unable to take the risk, even if he still has feelings for Henry. Absolutely, nothing at all.

Except that it is.

Because it means that Henry is taking a risk. That he’s willing to be brave, that, while he also thinks it’s terrifying, he’s still taking that leap, not even knowing if he’s getting a yes, or if he’s scaring Alex away because he went too fast. And maybe… maybe he should do the same. Nora had a point after all, and well, the longer he waits, the scarier it will be, and maybe, just maybe, they can be scared together.

‘Okay,’ Alex says. 

‘Okay?’ Henry repeats, confused, and, okay, fair. Alex probably should have elaborated a bit further.

‘We can try.’ The look of sheer wonder that appears on Henry’s face is a sight to behold. It’s hope and disbelief and utter happiness all together, though it’s also a bit restrained, like he cannot believe it’s actually happening.

‘You’ll let me take you out on a date?’ Henry asks carefully, as if he’s trying not to spook him. He’s taken hold of Alex’s hand, carefully, but doesn’t seem to notice that he did, and that alone makes his heart flutter in his chest.

‘Yeah,’ Alex answers, allowing Henry’s fingers to play with his hand as he holds it loosely. The grin on Henry’s face is utterly blinding, and, God, he’s beautiful. He kind of wants to kiss it, if he’s honest with himself, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to make that first move, needs it to come from Henry, and he’d rather save it until they have that date, and he’s firmer in what he truly wants.

‘I’ll start planning, then,’ Henry says breathlessly. ‘Did you want to wait until Emily’s and Laura’s visit is over, and June and Nora have also gone back home, or would you rather we plan something in between?’ It is a good question, but Alex also knows that they’re not planning on meeting up each day, what with work, some of them wanting to sightsee, and some of them… Well, he isn’t going to go there. Henry is as well aware of that as he is, as far as Alex knows, so it’s not like they need to plan around that. It’s still nice to offer, however, for it would probably lead to questions from those who know them best, but as Alex thinks about that, he also knows those questions will come regardless, because of the sheer anticipation they both would have.

And Alex knows he isn’t that good at hiding.

‘Uhm, whatever you think works best?’ Alex says. Henry hums, continues to play with his hand.

‘I’ll text you then, once I’ve got it worked out, and see what works best with our schedules and plans?’ Alex nods.

‘Yeah, okay, sounds good.’ Henry beams.

‘I’ll let you know as soon as possible,’ he promises, squeezing his hand, and oh, maybe Henry had noticed he was holding his hand after all. Alex nods, bites his lip to try and hide a smile, but he’s pretty sure he’s failing.

‘I’ll be waiting,’ he says. ‘See you tomorrow then?’ he asks, before taking a step back. He doesn’t let go of Henry’s hand however, and neither does Henry let go of his.

‘See you tomorrow,’ Henry promises, before slowly walking back and not letting go of Alex’s hand until the distance is too great and both their hands fall limply to their sides. He shoots him another grin, before the both of them turn around, a skip in their step, as they head home.

Henry does deliver on his promise, Alex finds, as he wakes up the next morning to a text detailing several options when it comes to times and dates, and after some back and forth, they settle on a time. Henry refuses to tell him what they’re doing, and while it doesn’t help Alex’s anxiety, he decides to trust Henry. He wants to allow him to plan the date he’s been wanting to do, to do it his own way, and he did say that he also needed to take it slow, and so he decides to trust in that.

Henry insists on picking him up for the date, and tells him that dressing casually should be good enough. It doesn’t help him much in giving him any ideas as to where they’re going, but Henry remains tightlipped as ever, even when he greets him at the door, dressed in jeans that are frankly unfair for how they highlight his thighs, a polo shirt in a soft blue color that only accentuates his eyes, and a jacket thrown over it.

Fucking unfair, that man is.

Henry seems to have a similar problem, however, if the staring he’s doing is any indication. Alex knows he looks good, he’s put effort in it, more than he would like to admit to, and he frankly doesn’t want to think about the state of his bedroom, considering all the discarded clothes strewn about, before he settled on dark wash jeans, white shirt, and leather jacket, but it apparently very much works, for it takes a moment or two, or maybe ten, before Henry boots back up.

At least it let him get away with his staring too.

They get themselves together, and start moving. Even on the walk to the subway Henry insists on taking, something Alex is kind of grateful out for it is a bit chilly if you ask him, they talk about everything and nothing, but even when Henry tells him what stop they need to get off at, he still has no clue where the hell they’re going, nor does it get any clearer once they get off and start moving in the direction of their destination. That is, until Henry stops them in front of -

‘An arcade hall?’ Alex asks, as he looks at the building they’re standing in front of.

‘Yes,’ Henry says, rubbing his neck a bit, as he looks at Alex. ‘I figured it was kind of a neutral place, somewhere where the expectations could be low and we could take it slow, but also have fun? Or, at least, I hope so, considering I’ve never actually been to a place like this before. Is it a bad idea?’ 

‘Hold the fuck up,’ Alex says, reeling from it all, both the thoughtfulness of the suggestion, the way it is in fact low stakes, and also perfectly up his alley, with how competitive he can get, a fact Henry is well aware of. But… ‘You’ve never been to an arcade hall before?’ 

‘Well, no? It’s not like I’ve had much opportunity to do so, but it always did sound fun, even if you might have to show me how all of this works.’ 

‘Oh, yeah, no, we’re absolutely going to rectify that, like, immediately.’ Alex grins. ‘I promise I’ll go easy on you.’ 

Except… when they go in, get their tickets, and start playing, it’s Henry who fucking beats him at several games once he’s got the general gist of how it needs to be done.

‘I thought you’d never done this before!’ Alex proclaims, when Henry has beat him once again, and has moved on to a pinball game, which he, for some reason, is absolutely crushing while making it seem pretty much effortless.

‘I haven’t,’ Henry responds, while slamming the ball back up again on the machine. He’s grinning though, and it’s absolutely doing nothing for Alex at all, nope. Not in the slightest. ‘Maybe you just need to practice more,’ Henry continues, winking at him and continuing to smash the game as he does so.

‘Rude,’ Alex comments, grinning, because for all his complaining, he does enjoy seeing Henry this way, free, happy, and annoyingly competent at what he does. He certainly isn’t complaining.

He does, however, consider doing that, when it’s his turn to play the next game they decide to tackle, and Henry is busy counting the tickets Alex has won so far, so they’ve got an idea what to get in return for it from the stand. There hadn’t been too many things Alex was interested in, though it would be nice if he manages to get his hands on the stuffed beagle he’d seen. It reminds him of David, and he knows Henry would love it too.

‘You know,’ Henry comments, looking up from underneath his eyelashes, as Alex lines up his shot. He grits his teeth in an effort to concentrate on the shot he’s trying to make, and he thinks he’s got it when Henry continues, and Alex very much slips up. ‘I think you’ve got enough tickets to get that turkey doll they had up there. Maybe you could name it Cornbread.’ 

‘You’re an asshole,’ Alex says, glaring, though it is without heat. Henry is absolutely grinning at him as he leans against the machine and rolls the tickets into a neat ball.

‘Hmm, not interested in it, then?’ Henry goes on, smirking.

‘And here I was, thinking of getting you something nice, but maybe I should reconsider now.’ 

‘Hmm, were you now?’ Henry asks, leaning into his space. ‘What if I don’t want you to reconsider?’ Alex’s breath stutters, and he entirely loses focus on the game, entirely overwhelmed by everything that is Henry, and oh god, he’s not prepared for the game Henry has, but he also already feels drunk on it.

‘Then maybe you should be nice.’ Henry chuckles, leans back again, and while Alex misses the loss immediately, he also feels like he can breathe again, even if he does want more of it.

‘Fine,’ Henry agrees. ‘I’ll be nice and won’t mention it again.’

‘Thank you. Now let me play this game, because maybe I can turn this back around still.’ Henry chuckles again, but keeps his distance and decides to cheer Alex on instead. It doesn’t help, not really, for he very much does not manage to turn it back around, but it’s fun anyway, and that’s what matters.

Sooner than Alex expected, even though it is later than he thought it was, they hit the last game they could possibly play, and after serious counting, Alex finds himself with enough tickets to exchange it for the beagle he’d been eyeing earlier. He gets it for Henry the moment he steps away to visit the restroom, and hands it to him the second he returns.

‘You got that for me?’ he asks with wonder, as he takes the beagle Alex is offering him.

‘Yeah,’ he grins. ‘I wanted to get you something nice, and this reminded me of you, because of David, obviously, so.’ He shrugs. ‘You gotta give it a decent name, though.’ 

‘David is a perfectly acceptable name, thank you,’ Henry says, with a grin. ‘But I’ll think about it. Thank you.’ He presses his nose in the stuffed animal for a moment, before looking up at Alex again, and getting his own tickets out of his pocket. 

‘Is there anything you would like, or should I surprise you?’ Henry asks him, stuffed animal underneath his arm, as he scans the available prices. Alex blushes a bit, bites a lip, before shrugging.

‘Surprise me.’ Henry nods. ‘Would you hold this one for me, then, and close your eyes? If I’m going to surprise you, I don’t want you peeking.’ Alex does as he’s told, but not before shooting Henry a look.

‘But you’d better not be getting me that thing,’ he says, before holding onto the beagle carefully. 

‘I won’t,’ Henry says with a laugh, before turning to the vendor and exchanging his tickets. Throughout, Alex keeps his eyes dutifully closed, but he can’t make sense of what Henry is getting for him. When the exchange is done and Henry carefully tugs at the beagle so Alex lets go, with a reminder to not open his eyes just yet, and replaces the beagle with something else, it still doesn’t really tell Alex anything.

‘You can open your eyes now,’ Henry tells him, and he does so, and while he is curious, he takes in Henry’s curious but nervous look, before looking down and finding a Yoda plush in his arms, one he hadn’t even seen, for he had been so focused on the beagle in the first place.

‘You got me Yoda?’ he asks, incredulous, as he takes in the plush. 

‘Yes, do you like it?’ Alex is almost offended that Henry sounds so nervous about it all, because Star Wars is objectively amazing, and Henry knows  that, even if he’s got the wrong opinion about which movie is best, but on the other hand, he has been trying so hard to do this right and have a nice date, and, to be fair, he had been nervous himself when he handed Henry his beagle, so, well, he also gets it.

‘I love it, thank you,’ he reassures Henry. Henry beams at him. 

‘Excellent. Shall we head out, then? I don’t know about you, but maybe we can go for some food on the way home? I am rather hungry.’ Alex agrees, and they decide to eat some falafel at a small restaurant they pass along the way. They take their time eating their food, chatting along the way, but before long their food is finished, and they continue their way home, taking the subway once again.

Once they get out of the subway, they both slow their walk as they stroll home. It’s not intentional, or at least Alex doesn’t think it is, for he barely notices them slowing until people start muttering angrily as they pass the two of them. He tries not to let it get to him, instead focuses on the way they walk closer to one another now, as to take up less space, and doesn’t miss the subsequent brushing of the hands they both have free. When Henry carefully intertwines his fingers with Alex’s, he wastes no time with spreading his fingers a bit so they slot together more easily, marvelling quietly about how nice it is to be holding hands, with Henry, in public, and getting to just be.

It honestly makes him feel giddy, especially when Henry insists on walking him home too.

‘What date would I be if I didn’t make sure you got back home safe and sound?’ he explains, and, well, Alex might be an adult, with a proper big boy job and all that, but it still makes him feel loved, and cared for, especially when they reach his front door, and Henry shows no signs of wanting to let go of his hand.

‘Did you have a good time today?’ Henry asks, looking at him nervously. 

‘Yeah,’ Alex says, with a smile. He’s leaning back against his front door, Henry in front of him plushies under their arms, and their hands still intertwined. The way Henry smiles, relieved, is a wonderful thing to see, so Alex bites his lip, not missing the way Henry’s gaze flickers down for a beat, and kind of wishing he did something about it.

‘I… wouldn’t be opposed to doing this again,’ Alex goes on. It’s a bit of an understatement, really, because he really did enjoy it, and wants more of it, but he also doesn’t want to rush things. Still, just going out, maybe having some food, and that being it is as slow as they’ve ever taken it, and he really appreciates the lack of expectation here now. They’re taking their time, and that’s the most important thing.

‘Really?’ Henry confirms, breathless, hopeful.

‘Really,’ Alex says, smiling up at him, and the relieved, happy look on Henry’s face is one he wants to bottle forever. It’s like a lot of nerves fell off his shoulders, like he’s able to relax more, and it truly isn’t until now that he realises how nervous Henry must have been this entire time.

‘Then we should schedule a new date, shouldn’t we?’ Henry asks him. 

‘Yeah, we should,’ Alex confirms. ‘My turn, then? To plan it, I mean?’ He can’t let Henry do all the work after all. 

‘That does sound fair,’ Henry allows. Alex nods, squeezes his hand. 

‘Then let’s do the same as we did here, and I’ll text you once I get it all worked out, and we can plan what works for us?’ He doesn’t want to do anything elaborate, but he still wants to figure out what they’re going to do and take his proper time for it, just the way Henry clearly did here. 

‘Sounds perfect, love,’ Henry agrees. And, well, this would probably be the time where they say their goodbyes, and leave it at that, except neither of them makes a move to move away, content to be where they are, holding hands and just being. 

‘I should probably leave you to it, then,’ Henry says then, and even though he moves back slightly, he still keeps a hold of his hand, stroking his thumb along his fingers, leaving goosebumps in its wake.

‘I mean, I do have a date to plan,’ Alex grins.

‘That you do.’ Henry pauses then, considering, eyes roving over Alex’s face like he’s looking for something, anything. Alex doesn’t miss the way his eyes keep flickering to his lips, especially not when he bites them again, even if he’s mainly doing it to bite back a comment about Henry liking what he sees. Despite that, it still comes as a bit of a surprise to him when Henry asks:

‘Can I kiss you?’ 

He should have expected it, did in a way, but he still bites his lip as he considers it, even if only for a moment, just to gauge if he’s ready for it to happen again, before biting the bullet. Because, if anything, this is the first time Henry actually asks, either of them have asked if it was okay, and he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Henry will accept it if he says no, and still would want to go on that next date.

‘Yeah,’ he replies. He kind of expects Henry to let go of his hand, or possibly the beagle plushie, but Henry does neither. Instead, he leans forward, tightens his hold on Alex’s hand, pulling him slightly towards him, before he kisses him.

It isn’t a heated kiss, or desperate, in any way. Instead it’s soft, sweet, tender. Just a press of Henry’s lips against Alex’s own, and even though it’s not chaste in any way, it’s also very much not intended to go anywhere. It’s loving, careful, like he’s absolutely precious, and it utterly makes Alex melt as he kisses Henry back. 

It doesn’t last long, but that’s perfectly alright with Alex. His eyes are still closed as Henry pulls back, a smile on his lips as he tries to savor the moment, and when he finally opens his eyes, he can see Henry is going through pretty much the same.

‘Okay?’ Henry checks in.

‘Yeah,’ Alex nods. ‘Yeah. I’m perfect.’ Henry smiles, relieved, squeezing his hand once more.

‘I’m glad,’ he says, sincerely. Alex smiles again, bites his lip once more, causing Henry to sigh.

‘Okay, no, I’m really going to let you go plan this now, otherwise I’ll never leave.’ 

‘Yeah, I don’t think David will do too well with that. He might think you’ve abandoned him,’ Alex confirms, even though he isn’t making any move to let go of Henry’s hand either.

‘We don’t want that to happen, now do we?’ Henry says, grinning. ‘I truly had a great time, though, so thank you.’

‘So did I,’ Alex reiterates. Henry squeezes his hand again.

‘See you later?’ he asks. Alex nods.

‘See you later,’ he confirms. Henry slowly lets go of his hand, but doesn’t entirely do that until he’s sneaked a quick, chaste, goodbye kiss, blushing as he does so, and looking way too bashful. Alex can’t help but blush himself as he watches Henry walk away, feeling entirely giddy as he leans back against his door, clutching Yoda to his chest.

He can’t wait for the next date.

Chapter Text

The next date turns into another, then another, and then another. It’s all at once more than he ever thought he’d get again, something that seemingly passes in the blink of an eye, yet something that’s also going slowly. Something that he gets to savor, learn to trust again, finding love, care, and happiness in the smallest of things that make him feel seen, loved, appreciated.

Alex doesn’t take it for granted, the fear that it’ll all be over again soon, that he took the leap again and will once again find himself without a safety net at the end of it, still lingering in the back of his mind. He knows the feeling won’t go away easily, that it takes time, more therapy, and a lot of conversations with Henry, but also those surrounding him for it to fade away to a point where he can trust that it’ll go well again, that he doesn’t need to be afraid anymore, that he can just be .

To his credit, Henry seems to realise all this too. Taking the effort, the extra effort, even, on the days that are darkest for him, to communicate with Alex, even if it’s just a singular emoji. He insists on taking their time, wanting to do this right, and with a good start under his belt when it came to that first date, he seems more confident than ever. Still, he doesn’t rush, slows them down when it even hints at it going further than either of them are truly ready for, paying attention to cues that Alex barely is aware of giving to Henry, showing again and again that he still knows Alex, knows him better than he probably knows himself, and is absolutely ready to make use of that knowledge to try and ensure he doesn’t screw up.

It takes them well over two months to first spend the night together, and even then it’s mostly happenstance and Alex being too tired to even contemplate walking back home, reminiscent of the first time he spent a night at the brownstone. This time, however, he spends it in Henry’s bed, instead of the guestroom. He’s nervous, both of them are. It’s ridiculous, in a way, considering they have spent multiple nights in bed together in the past. It’s different now, however. It’s new, in a way, especially considering they haven’t slept together yet, haven’t gone further than heavy make-out sessions, so it feels more like another hurdle they have to cross, another point of no return. When they slip in bed, however, each on the side they used to occupy before, it just feels right, and it doesn’t take long for either of them to fall asleep, curled into each other's arms, and sleeping better than either of them has done in months.

It happens more often after that, and it doesn’t take long for them to start sleeping together again either. Their first time together is, well, Alex can’t describe it as anything else than perfect. They took their time, Henry insisting on absolutely worshipping him, showing him how loved he was, how utterly cared for, constantly checking in with him how he was feeling. Considering it had also been Alex’s first time bottoming, both because he wanted to, but also because he needed it to be entirely different from how it had been the last time, had appreciated it more than he had been able to say, even though he thought he’d gotten the message across, with how deeply Henry had kissed him, and the litany of praise and endearments that had fallen from his lips continuously. 

Over the next couple of months it continues like this. Either of them staying over at the other’s place, though Alex more so at Henry’s, both because of the space, but also because it’s easier when it comes to David. Sleeping over just one night slowly blends into two nights, then three. It slowly evolves, Alex’s stuff migrating into Henry’s house, taking up more and more space, Henry simply telling him there’s a free drawer for him to use, that half of the walk-in closet has been emptied if he wants to make use of it, never expecting him to take it, but oh so happy when he does.

‘Alex?’ Henry asks him. It’s, at this point, about a year into their relationship, and they’re relaxing on the couch, Alex pretty much on top of Henry, trying not to fall asleep and very much enjoying the way Henry’s fingers are raking through his curls. The television is playing a movie in the background, but neither of them are paying much attention to it, content to be where they are. If pressed, Alex couldn’t even tell what it was about, if he’s honest, but considering he doesn’t think Henry is going to ask him a question about the movie, he just settles for a contented ‘Hmm?’

‘I was thinking,’ Henry continues, not stopping the running of his fingers through Alex’s curls, despite the nervous tone that colors his voice. Alex frowns, turns his head so he can look up at Henry better, only to find him looking back at him, his blue eyes curious, kind, but also a bit apprehensive.

‘About what?’ Alex asks. He doesn’t know where this is going, not really, but he at least doesn’t think it’s something bad. Not when Henry is looking at him like that, nervous, but kind.

‘It’s just… and feel free to tell me to bugger off if you don’t want it, that I was wondering if you’d perhaps like to officially move in here?’ He bites his lip, like he’s uncertain of the reaction Alex is going to give. Alex kind of wants to tug his lip away from his teeth, soothe it with his own mouth, but he doesn’t, if only to give the question the consideration it deserves.

‘Move in with you?’ Alex clarifies. It’s just to make sure he’s heard him correctly, and he pushes himself up slightly with the arm that’s wedged between Henry and the couch, so he can look at Henry better.

‘Yes,’ Henry confirms. ‘Again, feel free to say no if you don’t want to, or don’t feel ready, or anything, really. I just figured, because you’re rarely at your own place anymore, even just to grab something you think you might need, that it could maybe be something worth considering?’ He looks so hesitant, like he’s unsure as to how Alex will take it, despite giving him an out, that it’s okay to say no if he so wishes, regardless of reason. But he’s so brave too, with asking anyway, and, well, how can Alex say no? He’d been thinking of it himself, unsure how to brave the question, if Henry was okay with having him around permanently, even if that was pretty much the case already, so, really, it’s a no-brainer.

‘Yeah,’ Alex says, biting back a grin. Henry frowns a bit, confused.

‘Is - is that a yes to you considering?’ 

‘No.’ Alex shakes his head. ‘That’s a yes to moving in.’ Henry blinks, then blinks again, before breaking out into a smile and surging up to capture Alex’s mouth in a heated kiss.

‘Yes?’ he asks, again, confirming.

‘Yeah,’ Alex nods. Henry beams, kisses him again.

‘I love you so much,’ he murmurs against his mouth, in between kisses, happiness radiating off of him.

‘You say that now,’ Alex counters. ‘But you do realise this means you won’t be getting rid of me?’ Henry just smiles, though, leaning back a bit, cupping his face in his hand, stroking his cheek with his thumb.

‘Oh, but Alex, love, you must know, I really would not have it any other way.’ 

And so Alex moves in with Henry. It doesn’t take long for it to officially be arranged, with how much of Alex’s stuff was already at his place. There is some discussion about which furniture and things Alex brings along with him, but in the end, most of it stays the same, or they decide that, if it’s going to be replaced, they look for something they picked out together.

June, Nora, Pez, Bea, Hannah, basically everyone comes to visit at one point or another, though that isn’t much of a change from how it was already. Alex had been spending so much time at Henry’s as it was already, that it basically resulted in reactions varying from ‘Finally’ to ‘I thought you’d made it official already’.  It’s heartwarming, and it makes Alex feel good, to know it’s all so accepted, so supported. He knows that June and Hannah had been worried at first, mainly for him, but that they supported him if he decided this was what he truly wanted, and for them to now just take it and not be surprised at all, congratulating the both of them, it makes his heart soar. He can really, truly, say that he’s the happiest he’s ever been, and waking up to Henry’s face in the morning remains a novelty that he hopes never wears off.

It’s fall when they’re in England. While the main reason for them to be there is the wedding of Emily and Laura, it’s also an opportunity to visit Catherine, Bea, and Philip and Martha. While Alex knows Henry isn’t particularly looking forward to seeing Philip, and neither is he, to be honest, they’ll still do it. Henry does like Martha, and with them now being parents to little Victoria, Henry wants to at least try to have some sort of a bond with his niece. Be the better person, even if Philip doesn’t deserve it.

They don’t have to worry about them till after the wedding, anyway, since Henry and Alex literally fly in the day before the wedding is meant to take place, and choose to spend as much time as they can with both Bea and Catherine before the wedding, so they already have the catch-up behind them and can freely talk about the wedding and dote over Victoria when the wedding is all said and done. It’s nice, the four of them together, chatting, and he sees how much good it does to Henry too, because even when the relationship with his mother has become better over the past few years, and Catherine has visited them, they don’t see each other in person as much as each of them would like, and Alex makes a mental note to bring up visiting them more often later, when all has settled down.

‘When we get married,’ Alex states as they make their way towards the venue where Emily’s and Laura’s wedding is being held, a day later, scowl on his face, ‘we are not going to have the wedding in fall.’ He wraps his arms closer around his body as he tries to suppress a shiver, doesn’t notice Henry’s steps falter before he picks himself up again, and simply continues. ‘Like, I get the vibe, and all? Like, it’s pretty, with all those fall colors, and it does give something, but it’s just too goddamn cold and windy and rainy.’ He waves a hand around, before regretting it and stuffing it back under his arm. ‘I mean, I know you can’t plan the weather, especially not here , but at least in summer you’re basically guaranteed good weather.’ He scowls again, levels an annoyed look at the sky as if it’s personally made responsible for all his wrongdoings, before he frowns once again.

‘Though, well, I suppose you’d probably be likely to burn to a crisp, what with your complexion, so maybe not summer. Spring could be a good compromise, maybe, but… wait, would you want to get married in spring again? Or does that totally not bother you at all?’ It’s only at this that Alex looks at Henry, who’s simply staring at him rather dumbfounded, opening and closing his mouth, but no sound coming out at all. 

‘Uh, H, you good, baby?’ Alex tilts his head. ‘I didn’t mean to bring down the mood or anything, if that’s what’s bothering you.’ 

‘No, no, you’re good, I’m good,’ Henry promises. ‘I’m sorry, I just wasn’t quite expecting…’ He shakes his head for a moment, before he smiles. ‘I won’t be opposed to a spring wedding,’ he says then. ‘I must admit I haven’t put that much thought into it, but, no, a spring wedding would be lovely, I think. The fact that I got married in spring before doesn’t influence my opinion about it at all, so really, you needn’t worry about that. I’m truly alright.’ 

‘You sure?’ Alex asks. It’s one thing for him to be okay about a spring wedding, that it truly doesn’t bother him at all, but he had gone rather silent for a bit, so he just wants to be sure he didn’t overstep in a way, even if Henry promises he just wasn’t expecting… whatever he didn’t expect.

‘I’m positive, love,’ Henry reassures him. ‘Now, tell me, are you still insisting on those two champagne towers?’ Alex grins at that, and they continue their walk to the venue, bickering all the way, and then, after the ceremony, picking it back up again at the reception. It’s a lovely wedding, truly. Emily and Laura both look radiant, utterly happy, and they definitely know how to throw a party. They don’t get to talk much, what with their attention being commanded by all the guests at one point or another, and Alex and Henry don’t stay all too long either, even if they do make the time to dance at least twice, both being utterly exhausted due to the jetlag, but they do promise the pair to be in contact with them soon, and to have them both over in New York so they can have a more private celebration.

The next few days pass in a blur. They go sightseeing, as much as they can, what with them not being able to live in as much anonymity as they would like and have gotten used to in New York, but they also spend a lot of time at Kensington Palace. Philip and Martha have come over, and while it definitely isn’t easy between them and Philip, Henry does insist that it’s easier than it was before. It makes Alex frown and definitely not want to know how bad it was beforehand, but Martha is at least lovely, utterly too good for the likes of Philip, and so Alex focusses most of his attention on her and little Victoria.

It does absolutely nothing to him at all to see how good Henry is with Victoria. He’s already seen Henry interact with kids multiple times over the past year, but somehow it’s entirely different when it comes to the child being family, his niece. Alex isn’t sure he’s just imagining it being different, but what’s unmistakable is the absolute love on Henry’s face, in his voice, when he plays with her, reads to her, especially now that he can do it in person, as opposed to over facetime.

It absolutely does not make him think about having kids with Henry down the line, even if he does hope Henry would maybe be open to that, in the future.

And no, that’s absolutely not related at all.

Still, sometimes he thinks that Henry might be feeling the same, if the looks Henry shoots him when he’s the one running after Victoria on the lawn are anything to go by. Sure, it’s from a distance, and Alex can’t see it clearly, especially when he’s also mostly paying attention to the giggling toddler he’s chasing, but he can still make out that the look is utterly loving, and it makes him grin wider in return as he continues chasing the little girl while Henry chats with his family.

Alex doesn’t dare bring it up. Not when they haven’t had many talks about what the future holds for them yet. Sure, they briefly talked about a future wedding, but other than that they’re still not talking about it much. Alex knows it’s at least in part because of him. He knows Henry is still scared of taking it too fast, as proven by how he still gave Alex plenty of outs when he suggested he move in officially. Alex also knows that this fear is valid, that while he’s a lot more secure in his relationship with Henry, and while he thinks he might be ready for a next step, he’s also terrified of bringing it up. There’s still the lingering fear of him being too much for Henry, for taking it too quickly himself when Henry had also stated he wanted to take it slow. So he doesn’t bring it up, not now, not when being around Philip is tiring enough as it is.

And then there’s the fact that there also have been several conversations about Arthur, and how he would have loved to see them all play with Victoria. Alex wasn’t able to do much besides hold Henry’s hand and just listen, the same way Martha seemed to do with Philip, and while there were memories brought up, laughter shared over it all, especially the more unflattering stories about Bea, Henry, and Philip alike, tears were also definitely shed. Being the rock and support Henry needed was definitely more important than anything else, and so Alex focussed on that, and let the rest be what it was.

They don’t immediately go home when their trip to the UK ends, but go to his father’s lake house instead. They’ve been here the year before, before they moved in together, and it was a trip where Pez, June, and Nora had also all joined, both for the company, as well as the safety net just in case everything went to shit again, for Alex had admittedly been terrified of bringing him back here. Now, though? Now was the first time it was just the two of them, just for a few days, to get back in the rhythm and over their jetlag and to just be, away from prying eyes, before they went back to New York. It was still a bit terrifying, but Alex was feeling brave enough to want to do this, and so here they were.

It’s nice being out here, in nature, with nobody else around. It allows them to just be, not having to get dressed, even if Henry still somehow manages to look like the goddamn Prince he used to be, but more beautiful and more ethereal due to the fact he’s so much happier than he used to be back then. Alex definitely takes his fill as much as he can, and though Henry doesn’t comment on it, Alex knows he knows he’s being watched, if the small, bashful smile and slight blush, even after all this time, is anything to go by. But then, Henry does it right back.

‘You’re staring,’ Alex grumbles. He’s buried within the blankets, eyes and nose only just peeking out above them, and he knows, from how utterly tired he feels, that it’s still too goddamn early to even contemplate getting out of bed. Henry’s on his side, head propped up on his hand, as he indeed takes his fill, and smiles lovingly down at him. Henry doesn’t say anything, but it’s also not like Alex is giving him much chance either.

‘’s fucking rude, y’know,’ he continues. ‘I look like shit and it’s not like I can sleep with you staring and -’

‘Marry me.’

‘at least wait with the staring till I look less like, I dunno, a - wait what?’ Alex blinks sleepily up at Henry, frowning, and lets the blankets slide down as he pushes himself up so he can look at Henry better. Because surely he did not hear that right?

‘I - oh - bollocks ,’ Henry mutters, scrambling to get out of bed as realisation seems to hit him. ‘I… just hold on a second, would you?’ he continues, slipping out of bed, only to absolutely sprint out of the room. Alex is absolutely not awake enough to get a good grip on what the hell is going on, much less get the time to panic about it all, but the second the thought hits that he just got proposed to, and that Henry told him to wait before booking it, Henry returns. So, at least he didn’t panic and flee, again .

He does look nervous, even if he does come closer to Alex, his chin jutting out as he’s trying to be brave, before he settles down on the floor next to Alex.

‘Henry, what?’ Alex manages to get out. His brain is still not entirely with the program yet, but the part of him that is entirely present is screaming Oh my god on a loop in his head, along with a What the fuck? and Is this really happening? . There’s also a lump forming in his throat, his eyes are stinging in a way that he knows it’s not due to lack of sleep and oh Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, is this for real?

‘I… wasn’t entirely planning on doing this right now, or, here at all, to be honest with you,’ Henry starts slowly, twisting the object nestled in his hand as he’s saying it, but not once removing his nervous but loving gaze from Alex. 

‘I wanted to make this special, take you out on a date beforehand, perhaps, or just do all kinds of things throughout the day to at least make you see how utterly brilliant and special you are, just as you deserve. I hadn’t quite planned out the details yet, but I at least thought it would be way more… romantic than what I’m doing right now.’ He laughs a bit sheepishly, rubs the back of his neck, before he goes on.

‘It’s just that, as I was lying there next to you just now, once again marvelling at the fact that I wake up right next to you, and get to see you like this every morning, that it just hit me all over again that I want this forever, want to be able to wake up next to you forever, be blown away by your love, kindness, brilliance, everything that makes you you, day in day out, even when you insist you look like hell, though you look utterly beautiful to me. I know we don’t need a marriage to have all that, that we can continue this way, and have it still be forever, but on the chance that you want to have it all too, I do want to ask you this question. Alex Claremont-Diaz,’ Henry says, opening the box he was holding with trembling hands, and showing an old, clearly used but well-loved ring. 

‘Will you marry me?’

Alex furiously blinks as he tries to find the words that seem to have left him entirely, though it does not stop his eyes from welling up and spilling over. He glances from the box, to Henry, who’s looking at him with a loving, hopeful, nervous, but also patient look, and back to the ring again, wanting to reach out with trembling hands, needing to ensure that it’s real, but also utterly terrified that he is, in fact, dreaming, and he’ll end up touching nothing but air.

‘Are you sure?’ Alex breathes out. It’s maybe a wrong question to ask in the grand scheme of things, but he has to know, and so he barrels on. ‘I mean, you said you didn’t want to do it here at all, and I just… I don’t want you to feel like you have to.’

‘Entirely,’ Henry promises. ‘I am not doing this because I feel like I have to. I want to, even if it’s not going the way I initially thought I was going to do it. Because, Alex, love, I wouldn’t be here proposing to you right now, using my father’s ring, if I wasn’t absolutely certain about wanting this, I promise.’

Oh fucking hell. Alex truly isn’t even able to even try to stop the tears from streaming down his cheeks now. The idea that Henry truly wants to marry him, that the used, but well-loved ring used to be his father’s , the insinuation that he wants Alex to have it, has thought about it, for he must have gotten out of his way to even get it without Alex noticing. It’s entirely overwhelming, but in the best possible way, and he really fucking hopes that this isn’t a dream.

‘So, what do you say, love? Will you marry me?’ Henry asks, still hopeful, still nervous, still utterly loving and without any judgement in his blue eyes, regardless of what Alex’s answer is going to be.

Alex, for his part, can only choke back a sob, however, as he scrambles to push the blankets entirely off of him, and makes grabby hands at Henry once he’s managed to do so. He’s furiously nodding, unable to get words out, but Henry understands it all too well, for his eyes are also welling up now.

‘Yes?’ he asks, voice breaking, as he surges up to meet Alex’s hands, which immediately make their way to wind themselves in Henry’s hair, pulling him towards him.

‘Yeah,’ Alex manages to get out, choked, and wet, and breaking entirely, before he pulls Henry towards him just so he can kiss him. It’s messy, it’s wet, entirely ungraceful, teeth clashing as they’re both smiling too widely into it, but it’s perfect at the same time.

Henry pulls back not much later, though he doesn’t go far, letting Alex hold on to him, tears streaming down his face as well, but looking oh so happy.

‘Can I?’ he asks, holding up the ring box. Alex nods, sniffing and smiling and utterly trembling, but, well, Henry is not much better. His fingers tremble as he carefully lifts the ring out of the box, before softly holding the hand Alex is offering to him, and sliding the ring onto his finger with an awe and reverence that Alex wants to bottle and keep forever.

‘Perfect,’ Henry says softly, admiring the look of the ring on Alex’s finger, and oh, fuck, he’s fucking engaged now.

‘I love you so much,’ Alex chokes out, as Henry kisses the ring on his finger, before looking up at him again.

‘I love you too,’ Henry says, putting the ring box on the nightstand and clambering up the bed, pushing Alex back against the sheets and hovering over him, whispering the last word either of them says for a while, for they get lost in eachother.

‘Forever.’