Chapter Text
The end of the school day had come and most of the students were leaving the school at their leisure. They had the next day off and there was no homework so the afternoon was free for the taking. Inside the classroom, Toji cried a war cry as he swung his weapon of choice, a broom, at Kensuke, "Take that!"
Kensuke laughed and deflected the blow with his own broom. Shinji sat on a desk, his attention deep in thought, away from the mock fight.
Along with Toji and Kensuke, Rei still working on cleaning duties and probably the only one of the three actually taking it seriously. She dipped a rag into a bucket of water and cleaner, wrung it and began to quietly scrub at the floor. It reminded Shinji...of something. He furrowed his eyebrows as he tried to place it.
Outside the classroom, Asuka was chatting with Hikari. She had found she had been spending less time with her than last go around but when she did, she could slip into a more comfortable facade, "What did ya need me for?"
"I wanted to know if you were free tomorrow!"
Asuka tabulated her memories until she realized what Hikari wanted to ask. Not even an Angel could get her to go on that date again! It had seemed like it was only going to be boring until it turned out the boy just wanted to make goo-goo eyes over an Eva pilot! "No, actually not! I'm going to..." she glanced around, trying to find inspiration for an excuse. Her eyes caught Rei, dutifully scrubbing away. "Rei! I wanna spend some time with Rei!"
Hikari's eyes narrowed. Oh boy, Asuka thought. "Y'know, other than Shinji, you might be the only other person Rei talks to somewhat regularly," Hikari observed in a low tone.
"And you're gonna tell me I shouldn't?" Asuka raised an eyebrow.
"No!" Hikari shook her head, "It's just..."
She looked around conspiratorially then said in a whisper, "Is there anything going on between you two?"
Asuka crossed her arms, "There is not but if there was, would there be anything wrong with it?"
Put on the spot, Hikari waved her arms frantically, "No, no!"
"Gotcha!" came Toji's cry and a loud thump, followed by Kensuke's cry of surprise.
Hikari's demeanor changed drastically as her face shifted from a nervous smile to a downright irritated grimace. She leaned into the classroom and cried in annoyance, "Get to work!"
Both boys jumped in surprise then Toji gripped his broom and grumbled, "On it, on it," and began to sweep the floor.
Asuka frowned deeply, thinking of what Hikari had implied. Rei was just her friend...wasn't she? In fact, she had never looked at another girl like she had guys. Sure, there was that girl in Germany she sat behind in school who had beautiful, shiny hair she couldn't help but envy. And then, that girl she was neighbors with who, despite her quiet nature, always seemed to know what to say…
Ugh! She groaned. It was totally like that, wasn't it!
But Rei, of all girls? They had been fierce enemies once upon a time and that didn't even touch on the fact, she wasn't even 100 percent human.
Yet...when she thought of her sparkling red eyes, they no longer inspired disgust. They inspired some new feeling that knotted her insides together, a feeling she knew but didn't dare name.
So great was Asuka's turmoil she didn't notice Kaworu walk past into the classroom, an envelope in his hand. He stopped by Shinji, "Is it just Toji and Kensuke on duty today or are you too?"
Shinji shook his head, "No, no! I'm here for like...moral support, I guess."
"I see."
Toji paused, seeing the envelope Kaworu held. He glanced to Kensuke who had a similar idea. They grinned at each other. Kensuke idly swept closer to them then snatched the envelope from Kaworu's hand. He ignored his cry of surprise and danced back to Toji.
"H-hey, that's rude, guys!" Shinji cried but Toji had already got to tearing it open.
He pulled the folded paper from it, cleared his throat dramatically, and read, "My love, you looked very handsome the other day. But was something worrying you? You seemed stressed. I listen to music when I get stressed. I worry and care for you so very much."
Toji pulled a face while Kensuke laughed, "Awww, how sweet!"
Kaworu's cheeks had turned the same color as his eyes and he marched over, snatching the paper from him, "That's private!"
Toji sighed, "Private or not, you and your admirer need to get things sorted out or you'll dance around each other until the end of the world!"
Kaworu did not betray the uncomfortable feeling that went crawling up his spine at the choice of words. Instead, he tilted his head, almost innocently, "So you're telling me if you liked someone, you'd flat out tell them?"
"Of course, I ain't no coward!"
"Well, Ms. Horaki is right out the door."
Toji blanched, "You knew?!"
"Dude, no one's missing you making eyes at her," Kensuke drawled, "It ain't exactly subtle."
He huffed and crossed his arms, "It just ain't the right time, y'see."
"It might not be the right time for my admirer either," Kaworu pointed out.
Toji scowled, "What do you think, Shinji? Kaworu's admirer should go ahead and fess up, right?"
Shinji jolted to attention, not having expected to be included, "I dunno! I think Kaworu's got a point. And anyway, he...he doesn't know who it is!"
Kensuke gave him a look then marched up to him, "Say...you're acting awfully suspicious!"
Toji rolled his eyes, waving him off, "Leave 'em alone, Ken. We dunno if Shinji even likes guys!"
"Er, well..." Shinji looked away, "I could like most anyone..."
Kensuke grinned like a madman, "Including Kaworu!"
Shinji fidgeted under his gaze, mumbling to himself. Toji shoved Kensuke, just enough to get him out of the way, "Leave him alone! You know how he is."
"You agreed to help me steal the envelope!" Kensuke protested.
"Well, I didn't agree to hassle Shinji, only Kaworu," Toji grumbled, rolling his eyes, "I can tell Shinji's not been in a good mood anyway so I thought it would lighten the mood."
Shinji cringed, "You could tell?!"
"You usually at least listen when we have a conversation," Toji said, "But you've been off in your own world all day...more than usual."
Shinji shuffled anxiously, having not expected Toji of all people to pick up on it. He wasn't exactly known to be super perceptive of how others felt—him punching him some time ago being a prime example. Kaworu placed a hand on his shoulder, "Would you like to talk about it with us?"
"Well, it's just, the anniversary of my mother's death is tomorrow...and I know when I go to her grave, my father will be there."
The temperature in the room seemed to plummet at the admission. Toji crossed his arms, "So you'll have to talk to him."
"I'd like to," Shinji murmured, "But I don't know what to say. It's not like we've ever spent time together."
"Never?" Toji echoed in surprise.
Shinji nodded and he scowled. Even without words, it said exactly how that changed his impression of his father. Kensuke said slowly, "I mean, he's the Commander of NERV...maybe he never had the time?"
"He could have tried better!" Shinji snapped.
Seeing his friend flinch from the sudden volume, his stomach sank. He took a deep breath and tried again, "I get that maybe he just didn't have the time and that's why he sent me away. But he could have visited! He could have sent a gift for one of my birthdays! It's not like it takes up all his free time!"
Kensuke didn't respond except for a somber nod. Toji, arms still crossed and scowling, suggested, "I say you tell him what for!"
"I don't want him to think I hate him," Shinji sighed, "This would be a lot easier if I did hate him."
Kaworu, hand still on his shoulder, squeezed it, "I'm sure a good response will come to you. Whatever it is, it should come from the heart."
"How are you guys not done yet?!" Hikari yelled from outside, "Don't any of you want to go home?!"
That jolted Toji and Kensuke back in doing their work. In the corner, Rei wrung out her rag again, set it in the bucket and stood, her task completed. She gathered her things and turned to Shinji and Kaworu, "Don't be late for today's test," and left.
Shinji sighed deeply. Still so much time until he could go home and lay in bed.
After that evening's sync test, Shinji was last out of the locker room. He told Kaworu not to wait around and that'd he'd see him later. Now, he regretted saying that, as he sincerely hoped he'd see him once more before the next day...considering what it was.
He plodded along, passing through one of the staff lounges. He nearly moved right through if he didn't turn the corner and nearly crash into Kaji. "Mr. Kaji!" he cried, "I'm so sorry!"
The older man brushed it off, "No problem, kiddo. Soda?" he gestured to one of the vending machines.
Deciding he wasn't in that much of a rush home, he nodded. Kaji turned to get them both drinks and, once he handed Shinji his, he asked, "You work for my father, right?"
"Technically everyone in this facility does," he said with a mischievous glint in his eyes, "But I think I know what you really mean. I've met him."
With a deep sigh, Shinji sat on one of the benches, "I don't suppose you know him that well."
"Unfortunately not. He's a man who holds his emotions tight to his chest. Where's all this coming from?" Kaji asked as he took a seat next to him.
"Y'see...I'm going to see him tomorrow at my mother's grave and I can't think of what to say to him. I'm getting a feeling no one is going to be any help though…"
"Chin up!" Kaji clapped a hand to his shoulder, "You didn't hear this from me but your lovely guardian might know a thing or two about absent fathers."
"Misato?"
Kaji nodded. He already knew about Misato and her father but decided to not tell Mr. Kaji that. After a few moments of mulling this over, Shinji asked, "How about you, Mr. Kaji? What about you and your dad?"
Almost too casually and too quickly, he answered, "I was an orphan."
Shinji cringed, looking away quickly, "Oh. Sorry, I asked."
"You didn't know," Kaji shrugged nonchalantly, "We weren't that close when he died anyway. Him, my mother and my brother died after Second Impact."
"You had a brother?"
Kaji nodded, "For some time, at least."
His smile fell and, by the slightly pained crinkle in his eyes, Shinji realized he had accidentally stumbled upon one of the very few cracks in Kaji's facade. Out of politeness, he looked away before standing, "Um. Thanks for hearing me out, Mr. Kaji. I'll take your advice and try asking Misato."
As Shinji walked away, Kaji let his expression fall deeper into a frown.
His brother...he tried to not think too often of him but, given his work, it was inevitable he come worming back into his mind. When he passed, he was probably about Shinji's age.
His frown deepened. Hopefully, Shinji wouldn't be yet another teenager killed because the machinations of those he was investigating.
Coming to the elevator, Shinji sighed as he entered it but was surprised to find he wasn't alone; Rei was there. "Asuka left early too?" he asked.
She nodded silently. Shinji would have expected Asuka to have escorted Rei out—she often did—but maybe she left with Kaworu instead. They stood in comfortable silence for a moment more before Shinji murmured, "Rei...tomorrow I'm seeing my father."
"You are?"
"Yeah. It's...the anniversary of when my mom...left."
"Oh."
"I don't really know what to say to my father. I've been wondering what I should say to him."
"You're asking me?"
"Not quite asking," he frowned, "But I've seen you before, talking to him."
"...I wouldn't know what you should say. I apologize."
"It's alright, Rei," he comforted, "I thought you might have an idea. I just really want to get through to him somehow."
Rei furrowed her eyebrows, "Get through to him?"
"Ah, well," he stumbled over his words, "I dunno. I guess I want to connect, y'know?"
Never in Rei's life had she connected truly with the Commander and she had spent it all around him. What chance did Shinji have? She nodded in understanding, "Were you looking at me all afternoon because you wanted to talk about this?"
"Oh no. You with the rag, it reminded me of...something..." Shinji furrowed his eyebrows again.
A shadowy feminine figure came to his mind, wringing out a rag. In the half-memory, she turned to him, speaking with a fond tone. He couldn't remember his mother well enough to say it was her but...he felt in his heart it was. "It reminded me of a mother," he finished.
"Oh," Rei's tone suggested she hadn't really wanted to hear that.
She couldn't pinpoint why but it made something in her gut twist uncomfortably. She tried to not think of where she had come from.
Sensing he had made her uncomfortable, he looked away, "I'm sorry."
"You couldn't have known. I cannot ever be a mother anyway."
The elevator opened and, with no clarification, she hastily walked away. From across the courtyard, emerging from another elevator, he saw a pair of friendly faces. "Hey, Asuka! Kaworu!" he called, crossing the space to meet them.
He caught up to them, noticing Asuka watching Rei leave without them. She asked, "Where's she going?"
"I think I hurt her feelings," Shinji frowned, "I said something stupid to her."
"What was it?"
He didn't want to say it but Asuka had him pinned under her sky blue eyes, like a bug, "I just said she reminded me of a mother."
"...that's kind of a weird thing to say, Ikari."
Ouch, the surname. He defended, "It was impulsive. And I apologized."
The trio walked out and Kaworu observed, "You're all wound up, Shinji. Is it just Rei?"
He shook his head, "I still don't really know what to say to my father tomorrow, when I see him."
"What is there to say?" Asuka said dismissively.
"Lots! I just...don't know the right things to say," Shinji admitted.
He thought for a moment then asked, "Asuka, do you talk to your father often?"
Asuka sighed, looking up into the darkening sky. After a moment, she said, "I don't really like to talk to him. I always felt like he moved on way too quickly from my mother. But he tries nowadays. I guess I need to call him. I haven't been fair to him in the past. My stepmother though...I don't think she likes me. She tries to connect with me, but it's not genuine."
She looked back at Shinji who seemed surprised she had said so much. She stifled the part of her that insisted on secrets. Shinji sighed, "Tomorrow's the anniversary of my mother's death."
"Oh. That makes sense."
"I'm sure it'll work out tomorrow," Kaworu assured him.
Shinji gave Asuka a smile then turned to Kaworu, "What about your parents?"
Kaworu shrugged, "Never knew 'em. I have a guardian but he was rather distant so we never had any connection."
"That didn't bother you?"
"Not particularly," Kaworu brushed him off, his tone casual.
"Look at us, all of us with messed up parental structures. We can start a club!" Asuka joked, "We'll get T-shirts and everything."
"Who would lead the club?" Kaworu asked, continuing the bit.
"Hmmm, Shinji and Rei are co-leaders because their parent is Jackass-In-Command."
Shinji stifled a snort and murmured, "That's terrible..."
Asuka grinned, "You didn't tell me I was wrong though."
Back at the base, shortly after the end of the sync test, Misato was getting ready to head home—well, she had a stop to make then home. She tapped a stack of papers together than set them down on her desk. She paused to marvel at it; it was a far cry from the scattered mess it was after Israfel, thanks to many hours of wrangling it back under control. Sure, it was never going to be completely clear but at least this way she didn't want to run away from the clutter.
"About to head home?" came Ritsuko's voice from the doorway, a mug of coffee in her hands.
"That's the plan...well, I've got to pick up a dress on the way back," she admitted, crossing the space between them.
"Don't you have one you've worn before?" Ritsuko asked with a slight smirk.
"I do but it's been too soon to wear the purple one and that red one!" Misato protested.
She then frowned and, in a softer tone, admitted, "I tried the orange one on but it...it…"
"It ripped?" Ritsuko was all but grinning at her.
"Yes!" Misato cried, "And that was one of my favorite ones!"
"Between all that beer you drink and actually having someone cook you proper meals, you've gained weight, haven't you?" Ritsuko teased.
"Better than being a stick," Misato defended.
"That better not be a jab at anyone in particular," Ritsuko warned, using her free hand to pull her lab coat taut.
"It really isn't," Misato held up a hand in defense, "I've been a stick and I'm not keen to return to that."
Ritsuko couldn't figure out what exactly she was referring to; either college where her manic episodes led to her eating little or to her youth, when the immediate impact of Second Impact made everyone's lives hard. She decided to not pry, "So I suppose that means you're going to Miss Kiyomi's wedding?"
"I'll look like a massive jerk if I don't," Misato sighed.
She couldn't say she knew Kiyomi very well; apparently she was one of the technicians who worked with Ritsuko. She could hardly call them acquaintances, much less friends. She shook her head, "Everyone's in such a hurry to get married before thirty."
"Not counting the social pressure, an Angel could come and wipe us out any day now. Do you blame people wanting to tie the knot while they still have a chance?" Ritsuko argued.
"Why tie the knot when it might not mean anything by the next day?" Misato countered, "I'd rather wait until I know I'm safe to really make a commitment like that."
"With that point of view, you'll be the last one single," Ritsuko hid her mischievous grin behind a sip from her coffee, "Life goes on, no matter if the end of the world might happen any day now."
"Like I care that much about getting married anyway," Misato rolled her eyes, "Do you even care that much?"
"I guess I'm somewhat of a hypocrite then," Ritsuko admitted, "My work doesn't allow me time to date."
"Same here."
"Anyway, are you taking a plus one to Kiyomi's wedding? The invitation said as much."
Misato shook her head then paused, thoughtful. As if she read her mind, Ritsuko said, "Kaji's been invited so there goes your plus one."
"Ugh! Of course he is! Now I gotta deal with him out of work too!" Misato crossed her arms, "Do you even know anyone to invite?"
"Yes, in fact I do," Ritsuko's tone took on a defensive note, "Maya seemed interested."
"Of course, Maya did," it was now Misato's turn to grin mischievously at her.
"And what, pray tell, do you mean by that?" the defensive note deepened.
"I'm just saying I'm glad you've got eyes for someone! Anyway, see you bye!" without giving her a chance to argue, Misato jogged out and down the hallway.
Ritsuko shook her head bitterly as she watched Misato disappear down the hall. The audacity of that woman, assuming her and Maya had a 'thing'! They were simply good friends—maybe closer than superior and underling ought to be. Ever since Iruel, since Maya had to stay with her nearly all night to make sure everything was truly uncorrupted, they had gotten closer. But that didn't mean a thing, did it?
She stared down into her mug, where the last few dregs of coffee sat.
The last time she looked at the Commander with any sort of adoration had been just before then and she had to admit it was fizzling out. She remembered thinking so but stubbornly clinging to the ghost of that feeling. If she didn't stay in his good graces, who would say he'd keep her around?
Who would give her any sense of fulfillment to the long hours she worked?
Once home, Shinji had retired to his room, despite Asuka's attempts to coax him out with the promise that he could pick the channel on the TV. But in the absence of others, his mood darkened. She was initially annoyed by his insistence to mope but she turned her attention inward. She could understand where he was coming from.
When the anniversary of her mother's death rolled around, she was always so angry. Back home in Germany, everyone seemed to want to see her sad and that made her furious. But the sadness was there, buried deep inside. A part of her wanted to run away, to hide from the world. Instead, she'd lash out at everyone, trying to burn the sadness away with flames of rage.
She looked up from her magazine to see Misato had come in and was setting a dark blue dress over a chair before slipping out of her shoes. Asuka asked, "Welcome back. Did you go shopping?"
Misato jumped then swore under her breath, "Didn't see you there. But yeah, someone else is getting married. All these weddings are gonna bankrupt me."
Asuka snickered at the idea, "Well, at least it's a pretty dress. Guessing it was expensive," she added.
Misato sighed, "Don't you know it."
A sly smile came over Asuka's features, "Did you pick it based on what Kaji likes?"
Misato rolled her eyes, "Don't you need to be in bed?"
"Don't have anything to do tomorrow...well," she shrugged, "I have to go spend time with Rei else I will have lied to Hikari."
"Oh? Does the great Asuka Langley Soryu truly have a heart?"
"Oh, shove it," Asuka stood, "But I suppose you're right about going to bed."
Misato gave the apartment a wide berth,"Shinji's already in bed," it wasn't a question but rather a defeated statement.
Asuka's mood darkened again. She jabbed a thumb at his room, "Been in his room since we got home."
"It's his father, isn't it?"
"He's hung up on what to say to him. I don't think he should have a kind word for him but that's just me."
"You know that's not in Shinji's nature...but huh," part of her statement caught Misato off guard, "So he's not going just because his mother."
She knew Shinji craved attention from his father. Unlike her, who cast her father away, he desperately wanted the attention. Misato waved Asuka off, "You head to bed. I'll talk to him."
Meanwhile, Shinji was doing what he had been doing for the past few hours, laying on his back and staring at his ceiling. His SDAT had only distracted him for so long before he got reminded that it was once his father's. So he had abandoned it in favor of trying to think of what to say.
He heard the door open and Misato's voice but couldn't bring himself to get up, now that he had laid down. He closed his eyes and sighed. Oh well about asking her himself.
Luckily for him, the door opened with a quiet shuffle and Misato murmuring, "I'm opening the door."
She stood at the entryway of his room, silhouetted against the hallway light, and said, "Asuka said you don't know what to say to your father."
"I don't know if there's anything I can say."
"How about...how about you tell him you miss your mother too?"
Shinji's eyes widened.
That could work.
"...thanks Misato."
"It's never a problem. Get some sleep now. We'll leave early."
Shinji wasn't sure how much sleep he would get but that at least set his mind at ease.
Somewhere else in the night, another Ikari was pondering the next day. Gendo hadn't made any formal invitation to Shinji but it was a given he would come to the cementary. Now that he lived in Tokyo-3, he didn't have the excuse of distance anymore. So, it was inevitable he would come into contact with his son.
What would he say to him—should anything be said at all?
He had been disappointed in the boy, letting his fear and cowardice reign over his obligation to his mother. Maybe he should let him know that...but that could be perceived as hostility. The last thing he needed was Shinji to run away.
Anything else, anything positive could be misconstrued as an invitation to him.
The farther away he held Shinji the better and it was only fair he didn't taunt him with an invitation he wouldn't fulfill.
Would Shinji say anything to him?
Truthfully, he couldn't say. The only way he knew the boy was through reports and those gave him no insight into how he felt towards him. He seemed to have been happy at how he congratulated him, back when he was away.
"I've received the report. Good work, Shinji."
At the time, Gendo reasoned a little bit of encouragement could go a long way in keeping his son a pilot. But what no one else knew is when he received the report of how Unit 01—and Shinji—had held the weight of the Angel up for nearly 30 seconds…
...his heart had skipped a beat.
It was a miracle he hadn't been crushed and moreso because he had done it completely under his own power. Yui hadn't awakened from what half-slumber she was left in to assist. By himself, for 30 long seconds, Shinji had been the only thing standing between Tokyo-3 and certain destruction.
Could Unit 01 have saved him if his grip faltered?
It was hard to say and even Dr. Akagi admitted there'd be a decent chance of the Entry Plug being crushed in that scenario.
His son could have died.
So he decided to give him a little bit of encouragement, if only to tell him his efforts were appreciated.
It was nothing more, nothing less.
...at least, that's what he told himself.