Chapter Text
Chapter 1: I Am Afraid of a Ghost
AN
I'm not sure how many people will be reading this, but seeing another project instead of a DiA or TSTC chapter may be surprising. While DiA isn't going anywhere, I have decided to postpone TSTC. I'm not giving up on that one, but I need to workshop it; I'm not happy with it thus far. Lesson learned. Instead, I decided to launch something very different. This story won't be as severe and or as serious as the other two; this is my version of a crackfic. An off-the-rails comedy featuring the world of Naruto. It will be a dark comedy / romance. Something crazy and wild, but hopefully still fulfilling all the same.
This is intended to be light, unserious, and downright strange. Its entire vibe will be wildly different from both of my stories thus far. Characters, techniques, and so forth will be adjusted and used as I see fit for an amusing, hopefully a tad spooky, fun, chaotic ass story. Honestly, I don't know why this wasn't the first story attempt, guess hindsight is a bitch. But I'd be lying if I said I regretted anything.
It will be a little different from DiA. It won't feature a comment section until I see it necessary, won't have a jutsu index, and will focus on Naruto's POV exclusively, except for this chapter, of course.
Now we have learned from Despite it All, and let's get some setup out of the way to ensure we all understand what's going on here. This is AU, but our starting point is mostly on track with the start of Shippuden. The only essential differences are changes made to Reaper Death Seal (to be explained), Orochimaru and his path, Jiraiya's future, the Akatsuki's future, and Hagoromo and, by proxy, the Otsutsuki clan as a whole. By proxy of these changes, Sasuke is present in the Leaf but will not feature heavily in this story. Several characters will not be used, and keep in mind that this is as intended. I have a vision and comedic focus on this story, so some elements won't be needed. Though rest assured I will do my best to show plenty of love.
The pairing of this story is a mystery again but will be readily apparent this time around early on. It is also not a simple F/M; we are discussing a good old F, F, M love triangle. Bout as close as I'll ever get to a harem. Let's have some fun, shall we?
Hopefully, this turns out nice. I feel really good about it~!
Beginning of Tale - Evening - Jiraiya
Hiruzen once told Jiraiya that mistakes made the man. The errors and impulsive choices we made defined who we were, and as one acknowledged and learned from them, they were to no fault of them as a person. In fact, Hiruzen had gone as far as to say it is what made a man great. That piece of wisdom and many more had been ingrained into Jiraiya, who acted in correspondence with them often. And in turn, Jiraiya had gained his own wisdom. Wisdom he had just recently attempted to give to his own student, Naruto Uzumaki.
Upon the death of Minato it had been clear to Jiraiya it would be up to him to become a mentor. But Jiraiya had never been much of a role model, hell he could scarcely manage to take care of himself. So Jiraiya had left it in the hands of his mentor to raise him, promising one day to take care of Naruto's training himself when the time was right. That time had come shortly after the death of Hiruzen, and Jiraiya had plotted quite a bit of time.
Two years the two of them have travelled as a duo. Maintaining his spy network, training Naruto not only to be a shinobi but a man, arguments, jokes, parties, fights, the two had grown close in their time.
It still astounded the Sanin just how familiar Naruto was. He looked just like his father, and had the fiery personality of his mother. A combination that shined, the best traits seemingly having passed on. Well that and Kushina's temper. For the first time in a while Jiraiya had been happy, ashamed even he had waited so long to fulfill his duty as a godfather. Now that he travelled with Naruto long term, Jiraiya had discovered himself plotting their next outing.
Their trip had to end after all. Two years seemed long, but when you lived as long as Jiraiya had you learned just how quick time can pass. Jiraiya had to return Naruto to home, allowing the blonde to stretch his wings. Henceforth why Jiraiya had thrown himself headfirst into work. Distract himself from missing the knucklehead. Perhaps that's why he was reminiscing so heavily.
Jiraiya had seemingly spent his long life making frequent mistakes. It had been a mistake to be such a skeeze bag around the woman he loved. This leads to Tsunade finding the love of another man, said man perishing terribly, and leading to him pining after a woman in love with not only another man but a dead one. Something Jiraiya learned served as one hell of a deal breaker romantically speaking, a heart shaped cock block he supposed. Which left Jiraiya not only a third wheel but feeling like a dick for pursuing her in general. It had been another mistake not to be around for Naruto as much as he should've been. Making him a liar, having promised Minato to look after his son if needed and leaving Naruto to an undeservedly harsh childhood. Even when he did manage to do right, it had an effort of leading to a result even more terrible. Such as when he had taught the three orphans in Ame, it had been a selfless act, nothing more than Jiraiya attempting to give back after participating in a war that only took from all involved. Yet he had made the mistake of leaving them behind. They were mere children, and even with his training were far from safe. Yet Jiraiya had seen no other choice, a decision he regretted whole heartedly upon hearing the tale of their deaths. He had made the mistake of not confronting Orochimaru about his obsession with research and creating new jutsu. An endless pursuit of evolution and immortality, one that showed a disturbing lack of concern regarding morality. Now Orochimaru had been missing for years… so many mistakes…
Perhaps that's why Jiraiya lived the life he did now. He wasn't ungrateful; he recognized the pros along with the cons. He was a talented and beloved shinobi respected far and wide for his ability and accomplishments. He was a "Leaf's Bestselling Author", his "Icha Icha" series had sold throughout the Elemental Nations like drugs, inflating his bank account all the while. Yet Jiraiya had no wife or family; his only family, his godson, had been absent from most of his life except for the last two years. He was wealthy and successful, yet lonely. Powerful and accomplished, yet lacked a legacy he could proudly leave behind. He had yet to even complete his destiny according to the Toad Sage!
Though as old, jaded, and traumatized as he was, Jiraiya saw no end in sight. So he spent his days pursuing information for the Leaf, researching sights and beauties for his art, and enjoying the luxury a man of his status ought to want. For many, this life would be ideal, yet it had become stale for Jiraiya. The two years of training Naruto had been a welcomed break. It hadn't been the smoothest of trips, having a brat around had crimped his style at least a bit. Training a shinobi, especially a younger one, was no small task. But the blonde was a damn charming kid full of guts, the kind he was sure his younger self had been pretty damn similar to. Connecting with his godson had been an enjoyable experience. But it had to end once Jiraiya needed to tend to his spy network; Naruto needed to become the brilliant young man Jiraiya knew he could be. With that in mind, Jiraiya returned to the important but unfulfilling daily life of his…
At least it had been until his network had turned up a promising lead. A lead that was not just useful, but some good old personal motivation. Jiraiya had eyes and ears all throughout the Elemental Nations. A barkeep in Suna who overheard more than he should and gave it up for the right price. A disgruntled and unpleasant veteran from Iwa was more than happy to give over confidential files. Even straight up beggars, shockingly effective at gathering information without causing a stir. So on and so forth. However, there had always been a blindspot among his network. The Village Hidden in the Rain, an unremarkable village ravaged by the last war. And yet, such a place held no loose tongues and barely had any traffic coming through, which made procuring a spy in the area nearly impossible. Before, Jiraiya had never paid much heed to it; it was such a small threat, so why worry over their details? For years now they had not only been a minor village, but infamously closed off and poor minor village. But when his network had found a potential in, he couldn't help but follow up. Never knew what tasty tidbits might be hiding, and Jiraiya was more than capable of infiltrating a minor village. He was the finest spymaster in the world! What could truly go wrong?
The Rain Village had recently hired a caravan to bring its supplies; among these supplies were several engineers and farmers. Normally nearly all of their goods and supplies were resourced locally. But it seemed their had been an increase in recent demand, as such a foreign export would be needed to fulfill was the in he needed, a likely rare chance to gain another mole; approaching and bribing the company was easy. One that, in one fell swoop, ensured him a subtle turncoat in his pocket. It would take time of course, they would do their business and leave before reporting to him for safety. A few days had passed and Jiraiya had thought nothing of it; he was aware it would likely be of little value, and even if it was, it surely would be nothing too substantial.
Imagine his surprise when this low-value little mole had not only dug something up, but offered him an intriguing tale. The plot of land on which the Hidden Rain Village had been built was complex, rain was a daily occurrence, often all day and night. They were a poorer country still ravaged by the after effects of war. The industrialism most of the villages were slowly pushing towards struggled to take off there. Yet, since the rise of their current Kage, it only rained on Sundays or when he left. They had gone from a poor village, to an apparent well off one, the home full of factories, skyscrapers, and even new businesses. Their leader himself was an enigma, even more so than apparently late Hanzo had been. A man so powerful and beloved they referred to him as a god, one that was scarcely seen, one with a pair purple ringed eyes, Rinnegan. Perhaps not all that useful, but…
A shinobi in the Hidden Rain Village wielding the Rinnegan. Jiraiya only knew one person who fit that profile, Nagato Uzumaki… his former student. And cousin to his current one… weird. Jiraiya had thought him and the other two long dead, having heard rumors of their demise long ago. Now he learned that at least one might be alive and a Kage of his village no less. Jiraiya had to investigate for himself! Perhaps Nagato knew more regarding the fate of Yahiko and Konan. Tsunade would never agree to such, infiltrating a Hidden Village, especially as a legend as himself was risky, but he could not just let this lead die! Jiraiya had decided to set off on his own. Better to ask forgiveness than permission as they said.
Only for it to have turned it into yet another mistake. Oh, his hunch had been dead on. Well somewhat, his students were here but Nagato was only partially present. Konan and Yahiko… Nagato must've perished for them to have taken his eyes, even the aura around them was much more tainted than he ever would've imagined. His two students had grown into wise and considerably powerful young adults, perhaps even surpassing their former master. Even locking eyes with them made it clear to him. It should've filled Jiraiya with pride, but no, it filled him with terror.
Using his incredible infiltrating abilities, he snuck into the home of their leader with ease. Jiraiya had crept his way deep down the halls, determined to lay eyes on this leader himself. Yet the large building was empty, dark, lacking furniture or amenities one would expect of a home, let alone the home of a leader of an entire village. Even more mysterious was the lack of any staff. Servants, guards, even simple visitors. It sent a foreboding chill down his spine at the time. But he knew it was necessary to go forward, to find some level of closure. Jiraiya remembered thinking they couldn't have been his student, he never would've taught someone who turned out so dull.
Most would not directly infiltrate this deep in enemy lines to lay their eyes on their target. But Jiraiya was anything but ordinary. He could afford to take such a straightforward risk with his Transparency Jutsu! A Jutsu that allowed the user to become translucent, almost entirely invisible, merely a clear human shape that was only visible under the right light. Combine that with the low chakra cost, and it was practically undetectable. So when he discovered a large meeting room in a hidden basement of the large building, crawling in head first seemed like a genius choice.
Creeping down a shockingly decrepit stone staircase, the Sannin had ventured into what looked to be a cave system the basement fed into. Lit scarcely by torchlight, it portrayed the lair that was functional but lacked any humanity. A chilling indicator of the kind of people who'd frequent here.
Eventually, he walked into an insanely large opening housing what appeared to be a large, vaguely humanoid statue. It looked somewhat human, having the same limbs and appendages as any other, though they were bound by cuffs. Still, its lack of clothes and odd groves throughout its skin made it seem markedly different. The strange rootlike growth on its spine, back of its neck, and even the back of its head cemented it. The statue was nearly as large as the Hokage Stone back home. On its bound hands stood ten different shinobi, each of which sent a surge of alarm down his spine.
They stood on the fingers and thumbs of the odd statue, all looking straight at him as if they had seen him plainly. Of course, they couldn't, but just this many S-Rank shinobi in one room united… the Hidden Rain Village was more than a minor threat; it was the threat…
From left to right; Hidan of the Jashin Cult, a man known as the Immortal Butcher, a missing shinobi of the former Hidden Hot Water Village; Kakazu, long thought dead, missing shinobi of the Hidden Waterfall Village; Itachi Uchiha, the infamous slayer of the Uchiha and missing shinobi of the Leaf, Kisame Hogaki a legendary swordsman of the Mist who slain his leader to take his place before leaving all together, Deidara an explosive expert who had committed terrorism against his own home of the Hidden Stone, Sasori of the Red Sand a shinobi who had left shortly after the disappearance of the Third Kazekage, some sort of strange plant monster as well, a man in an orange mask, and the previous two… his former students… Konan and Yahiko, two of the trio, the trio he had lovingly taught all those years ago.
Are these many powerful shinobi secretly employed by the Hidden Rain Village? This was more than a problem; it was like discovering your neighbor's house was set to explode; not an immediate problem, but it should be addressed soon. Luckily, he was a stealth expert; he would just sneak right back out the way he came and, think this over perhaps over a drink, then report it to Tsunade. Only after editing it to make him sound awesome, and the mission incredibly safe.
"Jiraiya of the Legendary Sannin." Yahiko spoke. He had aged a great deal since they last met. He held himself confidently and without fear. Revealing he knew Jiraiya with a calmness that made it clear it was the truth. His voice was deep and commanding. It was clear as soon as the man spoke he was their leader. Hell if he wasn't the man he was he'd likely listen to him too.
Though it was no genuine surprise to Jiraiya; out of three, he had always been the leader type. The man with the ideals and strength to pursue em, tempered by Konan's logic and Nagato's heart. But it was clear Yahiko had strayed from such a path. Even Konan had the look of a seasoned killer. Just what had happened after he left? Why did Jiraiya have a habit of leaving youths in danger? Was he a damn idiot! "Most would call someone so boldly creeping into the center of their enemies a fool. I find myself in that company. Did you truly believe you could sneak into not only my land but my own lair undetected? Believe the Hidden Rain to be so obsolete as to not even be able to see through a meager transparency jutsu?"
"Kind of implied in what you said there. And for the record as the inventor of it I feel the need to say the transparency jutsu is nearly perfect for infiltration!" Jiraiya snarked back as he faded into view, facing the group from the staircase he had entered. In truth, he recognized he was knee-deep in a shit storm here, but confidence was everything he was told. Perhaps his legend would scare them off if he acted unbothered. "So yeah, yeah I did. Would you believe I was here to check on my old beloved pupil? Reminisce over old times, have a drink- You've aged beautifully by the way Konan-, you know live it up as old friends. You get sentimental as you age, you know?"
"We do." Konan chimed in, her voice held nearly as much authority and power as Yahiko. "Yet you are no longer our master… we have outgrown you."
"No, no, no! Bad Yahiko, Konan!" Jiraiya chided as he wagged his finger as one might do for a small child or dog. "I will accept it's been sometime since we've seen each other but as your sensei I cannot accept this dis-"
Suddenly, killing intent filled the room. Chakra bursting from the two as it did, and causing a visible ripple in the air. Even Jiraiya, the experienced and fearless man he was, felt sweat drip down his neck in response. So Yahiko and Konan truly had surpassed him…
"My name is not Yahiko… he is long dead… I am Pain. All that remains of both Nagato and Yahiko. And you, Jiraiya, are not welcome here. In fact, I cannot allow you to leave alive. The Akatsuki has too much to accomplish to be revealed to the world now…" Pain threatened. "Kill him..."
Jiraiya typically would have responded to such a bold threat head-on. Maybe after a dramatic pose or two of course. Gallantly facing the odds with courage and heroic grit and overcoming them through much of the same. But when heavily outnumbered, retreating to gain more ground was always wise. Doing so when faced with a gallery of S-Rank shinobi? Common sense, even a child would've ran.
Konan raised a hand, and several large paper spikes formed and shot after him. But Jiraiya skillfully weaved around the projectiles as he managed to climb the stairs with a couple of powerful leaps. Escaping the hidden cave much faster than he had arrived.
Bursting free from the basement with a creative string of curses he raced through the building seeking freedom. Jiraiya sprinted around a corner, nearly slipping from his speed as he raced through the corridors. The large factory-like home of the Amekage was massive and long, with scarcely decorated hallways stretched like a maze. Why the hell hadn't he left an indicator of how to get out! Establishing an escape route was basic espionage. But attempting to navigate it while running for his life made it impossible to tell just how close he was to escape or even where he was going!
Suddenly, from ahead, the right wall burst out as a cackling silver-haired man charged through it, scythe raised over his head. It seemed who had truly gotten lost, otherwise the Akatsuki never would've caught up!
"You fucking senior! Prepare for retirement!" Hidan swore as he closed in murderous intent flooding from his body. But Jiraiya faced it head on, he could not afford to waste time.
Jiraiya didn't respond; he merely raised a hand as he narrowed his eyes.
The two drew within striking distance. Hidan slicing overhead with his odd scythe so fast Jiraiya could scarcely see it. But Jiraiya didn't need to counter, block, or evade; he would simply smash right through it and him.
"Ultra-Big Ball Rasengan!" Jiraiya called; within an instant, his palm filled with a giant swirling orb of chakra that was the massive more powerful Rasengan variant. Closing in and striking as he was, Hidan was helpless to evade it. The technique smacked away his scythe and blasted the man down the hallway like a thrown ball. Kisame appeared through the same hole Hidan did right as Hidan approached, a human missile heading right for the new combatant. Jiraiya smirked cockily, he had taken out two of them! However with merciless and casual ease, Kisame batted Hidan away with a lazy swipe of Samehada. Hidan was nearly split in two, the man cursing out Kisame as he careened through the other wall and several more from the sound of it. Jiraiya didn't falter, attempting to batter the man away with his Rasengan like he did with Hidan.
However, Kisame offered a cocky smile as he brandished Samehada defensively as a shield, Jiraiya, gritted his teeth as he prepared to kill this man as well, only to owlishly blink as his favored technique disappeared as soon as he touched the odd blade. But Jiraiya had a devastating follow up!
"Chakra won't work on us-" Kisame began, but Jiraiya didn't bother to hear him out, desperately diving between his legs before he could finish. With Jiraiya's large size and close proximity this was anything but smooth. Jiraiya partially tripping Kisame as he got stuck between the missing shinobi's legs. But Jiraiya dulled the embarrassment, not pausing as he forcibly pushed himself through and attempted to knock Kisame off his feet in the process. The two grown men struggled momentarily before Jiraiya won the struggle and crawled away at the same speed he had been sprinting. Escaping Tsunade's wrath came with perks, after all. Kisame roared angrily as he clumsily climbed back up to his feet. "Get back here and fight me to the death, Sannin! Do you truly fear Kisame Hogaki this much!"
"Gonna take a rain check on that! Also you're ugly!" Jiraiya assured as he sprinted to the next turn. Instead, he squared his shoulder and rammed through the wall and the next two after. He needed to escape; if he smashed his way through, he'd eventually find outside, surely it would also cut down on travel time and throw off his pursuers. He was confident he could lose them if he just escaped the building!
Jiraiya practically flew up a flight of stairs, confident changing floors would lose them. However he almost cried out as a hand burst through one of the stairs he stepped on and attempted to grab him. Jiraiya barely spun around one and batted away another as a voice laughed from beneath.
"Your body alone will catch quite a price. A more than fair way to repay my debt to the Leaf." Kakuzu's voice promised.
"Money or state secrets would also be fine!" Jiraiya joked as he leaped up the remainder of the staircase. However, as he did, the strange plant beast from before emerged from the roof and bit down onto his top half. Jiraiya cried out in pain as the two tumbled down the hall. The odd creature's head wasn't that sharp however, barely piercing him. And the flimsy arms of the odd creature had no chance! The hands of Kazaku attempted to grab Jiraiya and likely reel him into death; however, the desperate struggle of Jiraiya and Zetsu made him unable to grab Jiraiya as intended.
"Zetsu! Hold him down so I may grab him!"
"We're try-" "Trying! This old guy can fight!" The apparent Zetsu's spat out between Jiraiya's viscous elbows to the face. Jiraiya clutched him close as he battered him. The beast not even biting or resisting anymore as the Sannin slowly beat him unconscious. While the creature had gotten the drop on him, he was as effective as a wet noodle. Jiraiya used him as a shield and punching bag in equal measure. Stopping Kakazu from interfering as he disabled it. Once the thing was fully driven unconscious, Jiraiya let himself on top of the rolling bundle, predictably the hands snatched for him, and less predictably, Jiraiya kicked the injured creature at them. The hands heedless of his trick reeled the screaming creature back, and the crash and curses sounding off once they did made it clear his ploy worked well.
Jiraiya once again followed the hallways, smashing the occasional wall to make the path he took impossible to discern. However, he noticed the walls started to repeat as if he was running down the same hall repeatedly… his suspicions were confirmed when he saw the wall he had smashed earlier. "Kai!"
The hallway didn't disperse, but Itachi was revealed at the end of the hall. He must've been hiding himself in a Genjutsu! Giving him and likely others time to surround him. But Jiraiya had no time to backtrack; he had to push through!
"Sasori drive him towards us," Itachi commanded simply.
Jiraiya felt Sasori's presence behind him as a shifting black sand filled the hall behind him. Jiraiya raced forward as black spikes stabbed through the walls on either side of him, black sand hooks attempting to pull him in from behind. Sasori was attempting to impale him and chased him down the hall toward Itachi in equal measure. Jiraiya drew a kunai and met the Uchiha with a war cry. If they thought him easy he'd show them! Besides, this bastard had betrayed the Leaf! Dodging a sloppy jab from Itachi, Jiraiya stabbed him in the chest, dropping the Uchiha to the ground and attempting to run by as he did. However, he was stopped by the dying grip of Itachi… who was smiling, looking comfortable despite the fact he had a kunai lodged deep inside either his heart or spine. Fuck it was a tra-
"Trap worked as you planned, Itachi. Time for an artful ending!" Deidara cried out exuberantly. The bastard had been hiding from above!
Jiraiya flinched as the "Itachi" shifted into clay and began to pulse with chakra. "Well, fuck-"
His world became a flash of light and pain. He could feel himself smash through several walls and into the open air outside. His skin was lightly burned, and he felt concussed. With a moment of darkness and force that drove him deep into a sea of pain, he hit the ground outside. He blinked. He was out in the backyard of the manor, just shy of a cliff over a river. Looking back at the manor he had flown from, he saw a massive hole in the side of the building. The entire group of ten stood within that hole. They had blown him to shit and still weren't done?
"You might be my enemy now, sensei, but it is undeniable that you are responsible for the being I am now… for better or worse." Pain spoke. "As such, perhaps it is only fitting that I kill you myself… the first of many martyrs of the new world I will create."
"No deal. I'm not really into the whole dying thing. Yeah, everyone loves a sacrificial hero, but the ladies love me even more…" Jiraiya flippantly replied with a dancing of eyebrows. "Not really the type to die before completing the mission. Got a blonde bombshell waiting for me." In truth Jiraiya recognized just how pear shaped things were going. If his earlier hunch of these guys' strength were true he was in serious trouble. But humor was his weapon! He'd dodge, then counter attack with his strongest Fire Ninjutsu! Yahiko was strong, but Jiraiya was no wimp!
"A symptom of this broken world…" Pain responded sadly. "You always knew better and yet never could become what you preached… Almighty Push!"
Jiraiya blacked out again, waking up hurtling into the air before impacting the wet mud. It must've been the only thing that saved him, but even so, Jiraiya was left breathless and soaked, panting exhaustively into the mud face down. His arms were broken, his legs too. He was bleeding somewhere. He could feel the all-too-familiar nausea from blood loss. But he was not foolhardy enough to believe it over.
"If I say I'm sorry, can we call it a draw?" Damn he hadn't even seen what hit him. Jiraiya had truly bitten off more than he could chew. He needed to stall, summon Ma and Pa!
"Enough jokes Jiraiya…" Pain said calmly as he stalked forward. His followers stood behind but merely watched as the apparent god closed in. Jiraiya turned to his back with a deal of effort, seeing they had landed in an old graveyard near a creek. He didn't bother going through with the idea of summoning Ma and Pa. He was too injured for them to be of much use truly, it'd only risk their health bringing them here… Jiraiya chuckled while lying broken at the resting place of a dead man, about to become one himself. Even the tombstone itself was ironic, he had crashed landed directly on top of the old grave of Hanzo the Salamander. The humor of it all kept his spirits up even as it seemed he would soon be having his freedom. Jiraiya felt peace even now, it was time. "Farwell Jiraiya… say your final words now, know that a god hears them."
"Would rather say mine to the previously mentioned blonde buxom beauty," Jiraiya responded with a painful chuckle. "Though I suppose an old friend isn't the worst send-off in the world. Let it be known, I found the peace I was always looking for, once when it was the four of us here surviving. The second time with the number one knuckleheaded hyperactive ninja… watched him become a great man… one that will surpass me easily."
"Well said you… sensei." As soon as the "god" was finished he unleashed a sharpened pole and stabbed down his former master's chest. Pain was interrupted however as the mud beneath Jiraiya burst out, flinging him up in a painful flight that ended in a worse landing. The Akatsuki defensively formed around their leader ignoring the defeated and groaning Jiraiya as the mud churned as if it were mere water. "Another disturbance? Who dares… how?" Pain began but stopped, utterly shocked by what he saw before him.
Jiraiya slowly looked over and broke out into laughter at what he saw. It was impossible; even if it was real, he had no clue if it was good or bad. The idea was absurd, but at the very least it ensured live or die, this would make for one hell of a story. One of his toads watched nearby, helpless to help, but recording it all, writing out a detailed explanation of events. The Leaf would know either way…
"Who dares disturb my slumber?!" An all too familiar voice screamed as the mud exploded out in an explosion of strange energy…
Two Days Later - Morning - Naruto
Naruto drifted free of the bounds of gravity listlessly. He could not be sure where he was or how he got here, but he was familiar with his surroundings. Or lack of he guessed.
As far as his eye could see, there was a vast void of nothing. It was white, but it was clear there was nothing present as if no color even existed. And yet he could see it as white… Could someone see nothing? Well, saying this strange place was empty would be untrue anyway. An all-too-familiar and unwelcome presence floated calmly in front of him. Waiting patiently for the blonde to acknowledge him.
Naruto cursed inwardly as he refused to give the strange damn thing what it wanted. Ever since Naruto had left on his training trip with Jiraiya, he had suffered from this recurring dream. He had read somewhere that dreams had deep psychological meaning, and he dreaded what this dream meant for his psyche then. A repeated dream with a strange old looking alien…
The dream always went the same way. Naruto would awake within a mostly empty void floating listlessly; as he did, the same strange being would attempt to communicate with him poorly. Then Naruto would wake up with a headache and be confused as all hell. It had been this way for years; worse yet, the dreams had some ongoing continuity. The bastard always acted like he knew the time had passed!
"Do you truly intend to ignore me yet again, child? You run out of time to heed my warning; already evil has made its first move." The man spoke, floating into Naruto's view with a slight frown.
"One, I'm not convinced you're real. You're either some sort of illusion from the damn Kyuubi or some sort of strange lucid dream thingy." Naruto replied flippantly. "I'm leaning towards the Kyuubi theory myself."
"You believe me to be Kurama?"
"Ha! So that weird name you gave before was a lie! You're not Hagoromo! You're the damn Nine Tails yet again trying to take over! Well, jokes on you, dumbass. I'm on guard!" Naruto mocked, flipping off the old man. His body rotated to make him face the old man upside down. The only good part of this dream was floating. Naruto could kill to be able to do that in real life.
Naruto would admit that calling the being a man wasn't accurate. Personally, he was still fully convinced this strange being was just a shifted form of the Kyuubi. But even if it wasn't, Naruto wasn't sure it could be called human or even what it would be.
The being had pale grey skin, much too colorless to be any normal human's skin. Its wrinkled skin and head, capped with fairly normal-looking hair, gave the decent illusion of humanity. But the strange horn-like twin protrusions from its forehead. A twin pair of purple-ringed eyes and a third seemingly Sharingan eye made it clear it was anything but human. Though Naruto was sure even if its appearance was closer to a match, he'd know there was something… different about him. He felt… powerful… something more. Like Naruto shouldn't be seeing it, yet alone speaking to it.
"I am not Kurama; you are closer to him than I am. My name is Hagoromo Otsutsuki,"
"Don't care, let me out."
"I am the Legendary Sage of Six Paths, the man who gifted humanity with the blessing of Ninjutsu, the basis for the career path you currently pursue."
"Never heard of ya."
"I have come to you due to our connection. See, I was blessed enough in my living life to have sired two children. These sons of mine inherited my unique gifts and talents, and I entrusted one of them with continuing my mission of keeping peace and enlightening the masses. So ingrained was this power and drive within me and even my sons, that this drive was passed down through legacy. Descendants passed it along to their spawn as they lived. Each of them as remarkable as the last were in their own ways. Had my sons done what I had with my brother, this would've led to an indefinite peace. A utopia within the living world. Lead consistently by a pair of wise and powerful leaders. However, my sons saw things differently from one another; they could not agree on the methodology of how to achieve our shared goal. In fact, they clashed over it each and every lifetime. However, even in the chaos they sought, they have always managed to rise up and save this world all the while. Such is why I come to you now, a threat intends to rise in this world as it always does, one only my prodigy can hope to face…" Hagoromo explained. Naruto would admit the man was a good storyteller; he could almost feel the emotions as he spoke. But the Nine Tails wouldn't fool him so easily!
"Sounds like a retcon; I mean descendants and reincarnation, brothers on opposing sides, a clan so powerful and yet completely unheard of, complete nonsense to me, believe it!" Naruto snapped in response.
"It's not a retcon nor a plothole; shut up." Hagoromo snapped back. "Are you going to fulfill your destiny or not!"
"Don't believe in destiny~, certainly don't believe in you~!" Naruto replied with a foxy smile. "Besides, even if you were telling the truth, shouldn't someone else be here? The descendant of your other son or whatever?"
"He… told me a Uchiha does not work for others… said he'd only aid me if I'd help him kill his brother and become his underling…" Hagoromo sighed. The strange man seeming dejected. Something Naruto could relate to, Sasuke could be a bit of a downer. "I've been trying to work with both of you for years now… yet time and time again you both blow me off! No longer, the danger is coming now! You need to heed my wise advice!"
"Of course, Sasuke, my teammate and rival, is the other "godly descendant". Nice try, Kurama. And maybe if you weren't so vague about the details, I'd have a reason to believe you." Naruto said dismissively, turning his back to the man.
"There are rules above you and me!" Hagoromo snapped again. "I cannot merely inform you of the future and rules of the universe! Besides if you merely worked with me I could explain slightly more!"
"Riiiight…" Naruto said with a roll of his eyes. "I'm out of here."
"You can't merely leave, boy. I am not Kurama; I am the Sage of Six Paths; this is not a mere dream or mindscape; I have taken your spiritual form into a dimension of my own creation!" Hagoromo raged, turning in a circle. The man sighed as he calmed down. "My apologies, I lost my temper…" Hagoromo stopped, stunned as Naruto Uzumaki was gone. "Or maybe you can leave? The fuck?"
Same Day - Middle of Morning - Jiraiya
Jiraiya sighed as he jumped from rooftop to rooftop. The man was on autopilot, intent on arriving at the Hokage Manor no matter what. There he would debrief about his batshit last couple of days while gazing upon the considerable cleavage of Tsunade. Hit on her, get hit by her, then find the seediest dive bar in all the Leaf and drink away his stress, probably for the next week. He had earned it!
However, once he arrived, precisely what he would say was a bit of a mystery. Beaten and marked for death he had been, it all became a blur upon the arrival of a ghost of sorts. Hanzo the Salamander is a legend of a time before even his own. The man that had made him and his three teammates the legends they were had emerged from his grave like the dead. And the ten versus one battle became a ten versus a cripple and a ghost-free for-all. Jiraiya was unsure how he had survived nor how he had managed to apparently heal himself. But while Hanzo still had his skill, Jiraiya had seen the man tear through several S-Rank shinobi with ease. It was absurd Jiraiya had fought the bastard at his apex, even then he hadn't been that good. Also it had been strange, while Jiraiya couldn't remember the full fight nor who won, he could remember Hanzo seemingly unphased by the Akatsuki's attacks, only being slowed by the Akatsuki proving slippery. How had Hanzo been that strong was a mystery, but one Jiraiya had no interest in finding out. He wasn't sure how but he had managed to get up and run.
Didn't stop, in fact. The terror of his near death and a threat he never conquered emerging at once left him scared shitless. Being gallant was one thing, outright suicidal another. But still, it ate at him; the events had been so strange, his survival even more so. Somehow he had lived, he had been near death after his one-sided brawl with the Akatsuki, but he had survived and escaped when the battle picked up. Jiraiya was durable and capable of minor healing, but his limbs and most of his skin had been compromised; his escaping from the wrath of so many S-Rank shinobi should have been impossible. Even him somehow running away after such a battle nonstop directly to the Leaf would've been unrealistic, even fully healthy, let alone half dead.
Yet his journey had been easy. If anything, Jiraiya felt none of the everyday strains he was used to, it was as if he was weightless. His weathered muscles and bones offered none of their everyday complaints as he traveled. Jiraiya somehow felt better than ever. It was like he was twenty again! Perhaps the close call had awoken some sort of latent potential.
Jiraiya landed on the wall of the Hokage Manor with ease. Sticking to it and walking up it casually, he was surprised no guards or Anbu had been alerted to his presence. While they knew him and his eccentricity well enough to know his presence was no concern, they still usually made themselves known, a subtle warning to behave. But no one bothered him as he marched straight up to the office of the Tsunade's manor. As he had suspected, the window he often entered was left wide open. A subtle sign of his old teammate that let him know he was welcomed. Not that Jiraiya ever bothered to heed such anyway. Tsunade usually worked in her office late into the night. It helped generate her image as a dedicated and hardworking leader; even in truth, she did so due to Shizune going home, allowing her to drink freely as she liked. Keeping up with her work was a byproduct of such a thing; Tsunade was a functional mess if nothing else.
"Oh, my bodacious love~!" Jiraiya called as he leaped through the window and landed in his classic sage pose. He knew better than to use the smoke or summon a toad for the usual theatrics, but merely bothering her made the effort worth it. Her temper and fiery attitude was what he loved about her, the figure was only a plus…"The manly, humble, and oh so handsome, Toad Sage Jiraiya has arrived!"
Tsunade was sipping from a whole bottle of Yamazaki, her preferred companion of the night, most nights. As she did with impressive dexterity, she also signed away robotically at papers. A heavy occasional sigh signified whenever she read something particularly vexing. Jiriaya couldn't fault her taste; he always kept a bottle handy whenever he wrote himself. Perhaps he would join her tonight, maybe make sure his mouth wasn't foul tonight. Though Jiraiya frowned as realization struck him.
Tsunade's desk was facing the door, so she had her back to him. Even so, his loud announcement should've alerted her. Hell, even if she was shit-faced, she'd generally sense him long before he entered. Well, he hadn't mentioned his impromptu trip. Perhaps she was upset with him. This being a silent treatment reward for his sin. Tsunade normally wasn't one for this but he'd play along. She'd come around, he'd use business to break the ice, then smoothly transition once her defenses were lowered. Easy peasy.
"Hokage-sama, I have come to report a recent venture of mine. While the nature of my work requires some digression, I always attempt to keep you in the loop. However, I recently went on an outing and had no time to notify you about it before proceeding." Jiraiya had shifted his tone to appeal to Tsunade's more cynical nature. She would be intrigued to go into world leader mode. Breaking the ice with only the charisma Jiraiya could offer. Though, once again, the woman did not react. Jiraiya supposed he'd have to show his hand. "This outing was about the Hidden Rain Village, I had heard a concerning rumor regarding its mystery leader. That they are wielder of the Rinnegan, the legendary supreme Dojutsu…" Still, Tsunade scarcely reacted, even sighing tiredly into her palm as if bored with his tale. Jiraiya soldiered on.
"I decided upon hearing of a potential new political rival with a legendary bloodline to investigate myself. I discovered not only was this leader real, but they were the leader of The Hidden Rain Village, Yahiko, my former student, under the new identity of Pain." Seconds stretched out, the only sound Tsunade scribbling away at paperwork. Even that left her nonplussed? Jiraiya growled at her lack of a reaction; what was her problem today? Even if she was upset at him, it wasn't like her to ignore business. "These shinobi attempted to capture me, but gallantly, I resisted despite it all! During the ensuing epic battle, we disturbed a grave that rose the famed Hanzo the Salamander! The group of Shinobi and the legend of the past attacked each other and me in equal measure. But as if a year hadn't passed, he met the group head and overwhelmed them. It was as if he was a specter! Unable to be touched, but attacking to devastating results! Even the S-Rank shinobi were hapless against him, but I, in my wisdom and bravery, enacted a strategic retreat…"
Jiraiya stomped his foot, and the carpet did a remarkable job of muffling his stomp. He frowned at his theatrics were stopped. His stomp hadn't made a damn peep! "Ok, this whole ignoring me thing has gone on long enough!" Jiraiya marched forward and reached forward to touch her shoulder. He'd turn her around and force her to acknowledge him. However, he flinched as his hand went right through her.
Instincts whirling to life, Jiraiya leaped back and attempted to clear whatever Genjutsu was present, but it did nothing. The man whipped his head around, trying to find signs of a Genjutsu or some illusion. However, the security tags present in the office of a Hokage would've stopped such… no…
Jiraiya marched around the desk to face Tsunade directly. However, his buxom long-time friend did not react, even as Jiraiya attempted to cop a feel or scream directly into her face.
"She can't see or hear me…" Jiraiya gasped to himself. "The battle, the gap in memory, the sudden healing and lack of exhaustion… I'm dead."
Same Day - Late Morning - Naruto
The strange dream, as always, had left Naruto with a pounding headache and awfully confused. The peculiar night occurrence had begun early on in his training trip with Jiraiya. Strange visions and the strange man thing confused and annoyed him in equal measure on most nights. As he always did, Naruto sighed as he leaped from the bed and over to his nightstand. He removed his beloved sleeping hat, grabbed a minor water pitcher, and poured it into his beloved Mr. Ukki. Taking care of the plant always made Naruto forget about the strangeness of the dream and relax fully. Unwind from most of his problems truly. However, he found it odd that Mr. Ukki was on his nightstand instead of its usual spot on the windowsill. Have he moved him? Why even do it? Naruto shrugged at it, liking it to him simply having forgotten. Done taking care of his plant for now, Naruto slowly plodded off to his bathroom, rinsing off his face and beginning to brush his teeth. As the weariness of sleep slowly wore off. Naruto had always been a slow riser.
It was strange; Naruto was unsure why the Kyuubi was taking this new approach. The bastard had always made its intention of taking over his body known. In fact, it seemed to Naruto that it was too proud for some sneaky ploy like this. But these strange dreams were its newest attempts. The blonde assumed if he was ever dumb enough to listen to the man-Kyuubi thing in his visions, it would convince him to unseal it somehow, and as such, the blonde never truly listened. But it always seemed to stick to him, make him feel like he wasn't privy to something he oughta be.
Every time, the old being would describe some approaching danger, something coming that was more than he could help to handle as he was and that he must prepare. Naruto might've been fooled if the Kyuubi had ever explained the danger, how he needed to prepare, or why HE needed to in particular. But it was always scarce on details, claiming to be able to share only a tiny amount of what he knew. Without knowing what it was asking or why Naruto simply ignored it. Confident if it was telling the truth it would've simply explained things by now.
All the same, Naruto ignored the odd dream and his questions as he disrobed and turned on the shower. Kakashi had set up Team Seven to celebrate their recent reunion. While Naruto was proud of his grouch of a teammate, he was also somewhat jealous; the exams back in the day had been interrupted, and he had not been in the Leaf for the last one. All the same, Naruto was proud of his hesitant title as best friend. And excited to celebrate as a whole team because of it. As such, Naruto prepared to step into the shower the second it was hot enough, looking out his bathroom window as he did.
Naruto froze on what was on the other side of the window. Seemingly without a body nor a logical way of being up, there was a disembodied head. The face was pale and lacked any sign of blood; its eyes were a darkened black, seemingly a shining orb of darkness, which made Naruto's blood run cold. It had long white hair running down its head. It's neck ended in a bloodless stump. The strange sight floated in the air, seemingly staring back. Naruto jumped back fearfully, impacting the wall with a grunt of pain and the floor with another.
Leaping up to his feet, Naruto checked the window again but felt confused at the nothing present on the other side. Forming a hand sign, Naruto burst a pulse of chakra, attempting to sense others' presence in or around his apartment complex. But it turned out to be nothing. Had he just been seeing things?
With a frown, Naruto summoned a clone who nodded grimly to him and sat on the toilet, an active guard to watch over him as he cleaned himself. Showering quickly and tensely, Naruto marched back into his room under his own escort and swiftly dressed in his trademark jumpsuit. Marching out into the living room, Naruto sighed as he strapped on his pouches and checked his equipment for the day. A shinobi never could afford to be unarmed, after all.
Ready, Naruto marched past his counter and into his kitchen, passing Mr. Ukki on the way. However, he froze and backtracked to the counter to ensure he had seen what he did. As he had seen, Mr. Ukki sat on his counter still and ideally placed as if the plant had been there all along. Naruto frowned at the plant. Hadn't he just watered it in his room? No… he…, he was just remembering it wrong. Eyeing the plant suspiciously, Naruto opened his fridge, withdrawing a milk carton and sipping it slowly as he stared at it. However the plant didn't budge or do much of anything.
However, Naruto forgot his suspicions cursing as he spat out the apparently spoiled milk. Throwing the carton into his trash can, Naruto cursed again and fished out a water bottle, rinsing his mouth and chugging it down. "Gotta remember to check the date next time…" he said morosely.
"Naruto~..." A mysterious and airy male voice whispered in his ear. The blonde flinched as he whipped around, suspiciously eyeing his home. His living room, counter, even Mr. Ukki were all in the perfect place.
"Come on, Naruto, you're. You're losing it…" Naruto joked to himself, hoping the humor would break the tension. However, it did nothing. Despite seeing his home empty, he was certain someone… something was there. "Who's there"? He asked, mostly hoping to break the silence that was deafening. Why was he feeling unwelcome in his own home?
"Naruto~... Can you see me~?"
Naruto flinched as panic filled him. An unseen voice and vision of a head? Attempting to communicate with him? It must be… a ghost! Naruto was trained in Shinobi, which can quickly destroy homes or massive buildings. But he couldn't punch a ghost! Hell he didn't know what to do about spirits! The decision was made within an instant. Naruto leaped over his counter, smashing all sorts of possessions as he awkwardly raced out of his house. All the while, he swore he could hear the same voice calling to him… chasing after them…
X-X
Naruto normally would've strolled casually to the training ground of his team. Kakashi was infamous for being late, and as close as they were, Naruto never liked hanging around his teammates for too long. Sasuke and he may have been best friends but they bickered often. Naruto had figured it would've gotten better after his absence, and in some ways it had. Naruto could now tell Sasuke thought of him as a friend and rival now, but the Uchiha still seemed to habitually insult him. Naruto took exception to such of course. Sakura had long grown past the days of bashing him to win brownie points with Sasuke. But she was still utterly heads over heels for him. Thus leading to Naruto being something of a third wheel, even Kakashi seemed to prefer Sasuke! Naruto remembered his sensei training only Sasuke back during the first exams. His training with Jiraiya had sated this but Naruto wasn't looking forward to going back to normal. To feeling like a third wheel on his own team.
As such he would stop and grab a meal at Ichiraku Ramen, check up on Konohamaru, maybe even do some shopping. Before arriving at the training ground with more than a little time to spare. Kakashi was infamous for being late after all, so it always worked out nicely. But instead Naruto leapt from rooftop to rooftop in a scurry. The feeling of being watched never left him, his eyes and senses had been split between where he was going and looking out for a ghostly tail. The blonde diligently kept an eye on his surroundings. His mind debated on where to go but he figured reporting to his team would be the wisest choice, at the very least they would provide back up!
Arriving in the forest where they were training, Naruto landed on the center logs of where Team Seven had first been trained those years ago. "Sasuke! Sakura! Help!" He cried out desperate for their aid.
With a blur Sasuke and Sakura arrived. Sakura came sprinting into the clearing wielding a literal tree as a club, Sasuke with a blade drawn and Sharigan primed to go.
"Naruto!" Sakura yelled worriedly. "We heard you, are you okay, let me look you over!" As she finished she raced over to him and began scanning him with medical chakra to ensure he was healthy and well.
"You were crying out like you were terrified." Sasuke answered calmly, seemingly confused by the lack of obvious threats. "Never heard you sound so shaken up."
"Ghost!" Naruto cried out in fear. "Ghost! Ghost inside of my house! House of ghosts! Ghost house! Mr. Ukki moved!"
"Do you understand him Sakura?" Sasuke asked with a roll of his eyes.
"Naruto calm down. What happened? Tell us everything calmly…" Sakura said, attempting to soothe him with her tone. "You know as your teammates we'll help you out…"
Naruto felt the compassion of his teammates smother the flames of fear within him. Of course, he might be haunted by some sort of weird ghost, but his friends would have his back. Team Seven would face this new threat together! He explained his strange dreams, the seeming displacement of Mr. Ukki, the face in his window, and the strange voice calling out to him.
"You not only have a plant, but you named it Mr Ukki?" Sasuke asked with a raised brow. "Do plants even have gender?"
"That is by far the least important part of my story! And yeah I like doing some minor gardening, not all of us lack hobbies!" Naruto snapped back.
"Maybe we should focus on the matter at hand guys." Sakura killed the argument before it could pick up. "Naruto I get you got spooked but surely you realize this is nonsense. I mean floating heads, moving plants, disembodied voices."
"It is a well known fact that all events that are explainable by much simpler means than the paranormal ones people tend to default to." Sasuke agreed. "The paranormal was a theory of the world used before chakra was fully understood. It was used to explain the various aspects and characteristics of chakra. But more than likely in your case you just had spoiled milk again."
"That was one time! And I'm telling you this was real!" Naruto retorted.
"Maybe it was really Genjutsu Naruto." Sakura offered kindly. "Would it make you feel better if we all went and checked it out?"
"Might lead to our own deaths but if that's what it takes to not be considered crazy… IT'S HERE!" Naruto cried out as his gaze focused on the woods leading back to the central Leaf Village. Just in front of the treeline was something Naruto could tell wasn't human. It looked as though the head from earlier had sprouted a body, the giant odd non human staring at him.
Sasuke scoffed as he stepped in front of Naruto waving his hand in front of his face. "Okay well we're here now and we don't see anything Naruto. If this is one of your lame pranks…"
"Oh god I thought you outgrew those…" Sakura complained.
"I did- WAIT, lame!"
"I really don't have the patience for your game today, Naruto." Sasuke growled. "Not today."
"I need help right now!" Naruto protested as the odd creature crept forward. All the while Sakura and Sasuke seemed blind to it, openly approaching them. "We're teammates damn it, don't you have any faith in me?!" Naruto began to slowly backtrack as the lumbering creature approached.
"Naruto, it sounds like you're disorientated." Sakura tried to explain as she approached him slowly. "Let's settle down, Sasuke wanted to talk to us-"
"Damn it this isn't some joke and this isn't about Sasuke!" Naruto roared, looking back at his pursuer it was close enough now that it would reach him in seconds. "Just forgot about it! I'll find someone who will help!" His piece said Naruto dashed away from the training ground, leaving behind two confused teammates, and a determined slow moving oddity.
"Damn! Even my own team doesn't believe me! Worse yet that damn ghost is chasing me." Naruto ranted to himself as he raced back to the village. "I need someone who will not only believe me, but will know what to do… someone smart and trustworthy… I know! Shikamaru!" He was the perfect candidate! Everyone called him some sort of genius so surely he would know something about spirits! And they were already friends! The only problem Naruto could see was Nara's habitual laziness… but he had a plan for that...
AN
Always pleasant when the struggle when writing is stopping and reigning yourself in instead of struggling to finish the chapter. I feel good about this story and think it will be fun. A more lighthearted story to balance out writing for DiA. This will hopefully be shorter than that, but I've learned better than to assume such.
Hopefully, this will attract some of my other readers and be enjoyable. I know I'm enjoying it. Rest assured again, this won't be a DiA again. The important information will be given. Also, I did say this was AU, but I want to stress it again. Yes, this story starts out similar to Shippuden, but we will not be going the same way at all. Thanks for reading!
Peace~!