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“You’d think the world’s best engineer would be better at this.” Steve teases as another gingerbread house collapses under Tony’s hands. It’s the third house Tony has knocked down, which is a better track record than the Big Bad Wolf.

Tony glares down at the remains. “The structural integrity of these walls is abysmal. And these houses are the same size as the gingerbread people. Are we going to have to suit up and save the village from giant gingerbread assholes?”

Tony turns to the row of gingerbread people, which he and Clint not-so-helpfully made anatomically correct with gumdrop buttons and broken bits of candy canes. Surprisingly Steve hadn’t lectured them for that, despite the presence of children in the kitchen.

“Language!” Steve chides Tony now, glancing across the kitchen, where Harry is forgoing a house to make a gingerbread Quidditch pitch, and Clint and Laura are making normal gingerbread houses with Lila and Cooper. Tony feels slightly vindicated that Clint’s attempts aren’t going any better than his, though Clint has given up. He’s throwing candy bits at people’s houses with perfect aim.

Steve’s Disappointed Cap Face is somehow even more effective in an ugly Christmas sweater than in his famous super suit. 

Thor holds out a hand for Mjolnir, clearly expecting Loki to appear and turn the gingerbread people alive.

“Their houses are made of their own flesh.” Thor eyes the gingerbread people warily. “They must be savages. Their icing smiles are tricks to lure unwilling prey.”

“That’s Hansel and Gretel.” Tony says, downing some coffee from a mug shaped like a Hulk head. Several others have mugs of hot chocolate, for once not after nightmares, but merely for the holiday spirit. “You know what? I’m doing a service by not making this house. No evil gingerbread witch is going to use it to lure innocent gingerbread children and eat them.”

“Would the children not be partaking in cannibalism by eating the house?” Thor eyes the cookies even more distrustfully.

“No, the gingerbread man just runs away!” Harry exclaims, laughing at them for mixing up the stories. He climbs into Charles’ lap. Charles is wearing a Santa hat but has likely been reminiscing about celebrating Hanukkah with Erik.

Harry leans back to explain the story. “He runs and runs and everyone chases him but nobody catches him. And then the sneaky fox gives him a ride across the river and gobbles him up.”

Loki appears with a devilish smile, clearly rooting for the fox instead of the gingerbread man. Clint’s glaring daggers from across the room, throwing himself between Loki and his kids and grabbing a knife, ready to throw that too. 

“Only you can’t make our cookies run away.” Harry warns Loki. 

Loki, of course, doesn’t listen. The anatomically-correct gingerbread people hop up and start running around. 

Bruce hurriedly pulls the next batch of cookies out of the oven, then hightails it out of the kitchen when the cookies start shrieking about the heat. Cooper, Lila and Harry squeal, adding to the din.

Rather than throwing the knife, Clint charges across the room and bodily tackles Loki to the floor. “You’re not ruining Christmas, you sick son of a-”

“Have care how you speak of our mother, Barton!” Thor booms.

Loki vanishes from under Clint, whose language becomes as colorful as his sweater.

“Honey! We don’t solve problems with violence!” Laura admonishes, glancing at Lila, Cooper and Harry, who are gleefully chasing the gingerbread people around the kitchen, laughing like Loki just made their entire holiday.

“That’s kind of my job.” Clint grunts. 

“I’m surprised these guys aren’t hooking up.” Tony says as he snags a gingerbread man with the hook of a candy cane. Nobody applauds his pun. “They don’t even have to strip first.”

“I’m hooking one up too!” Harry shouts, trying to grab another with his own candy cane. Tony bursts out laughing, but Clint’s still too mad about Loki to join in. Steve sends Tony another disappointed look, even though this is totally Loki’s fault.

One gingerbread man makes the mistake of running too close to Logan and is immediately cleaved into pieces.

“Wow, Christmas Carnage.” Clint says, still eyeing the room for a reappearance of Loki. It’s not particularly violent, since it’s a cookie, but it’s not exactly child-friendly with their anatomically correct bits.

James defends his gingerbread house from a gingerbread woman that has surprisingly graceful moves, like a cookie Natasha, and Natasha herself takes it down (her gingerbread house is, of course, perfect despite never having made one before. Tony’s maybe a little bitter about that. Or maybe she made them with Clint’s kids before, who knows? She’s almost terrifyingly soft around them).

Jean traps some of the cookies in force fields, while Sirius and Remus whip out their wands to freeze others. Bobby literally freezes a few in ice.

Loki must use his own magic to override the others’ abilities and force everyone to physically chase the gingerbread people for his own amusement (and the kids’ obvious delight).

Even if Loki’s no longer visible in the room, Clint’s still clutching a knife, eyes scanning for a target.

Once all the gingerbread people have been subdued or broken, Thor stands over them imperiously. “What will we do with you now?”

“What will we do with Loki?” Steve sighs.

“Kick him out forever?” Clint suggests.

Loki materializes again, and Clint scowls. Tony can’t blame Clint for not trusting Loki, even if Loki was ultimately being controlled just as Clint and James were.

“We can’t eat them when they’re alive!” Jubilee exclaims. “Why’d you have to do that? I’m never going to look at a gingerbread man the same way again!”

“Is that not a common children’s tale here?” Loki asks. “I was merely… enhancing Harry’s abysmal education. I notice your children were entertained as well, Barton.”

Tony starts to say that Stark Industries’ preschool is very well rated, thank you very much, but Jubilee interrupts.

“At least you didn’t make them creepy zombie gingerbread people.” Jubilee says. “No, wait, don’t get any ideas!”

“I want zombie gingerbread guys!” Cooper shouts.

He starts to chant “Zom-bie gingerbread! Zom-bie gingerbread!” Lila joins in, with accompanying dance moves that are closer to the robot.

Clint gives his kids a sharp look and shake of his head, effectively shutting down the idea.

“Do they have brains?” Harry asks. “Zombies eat brains.”

“Eew!” Kitty squeals. “Now whenever I eat them I’m going to imagine biting into brains.”

“You can’t eat them if they’re alive, that’s barbaric!” Jubilee tells her.

“They’re barbarians. Their houses are flesh.” Thor pounds a gingerbread man with Mjolnir unnecessarily, showering crumbs everywhere. He has no qualms about gobbling a wriggling gingerbread man in two big bites. Jubilee looks horrified.

“Or are they made of houses?” Tony asks.

“They don’t have brains.” Charles assures Kitty and Harry. “They’re merely animated cookies. It’s not mind control.”

He says it lightly, though he glances at Clint and James.

Clint scowls but doesn’t throw anything at Loki. He does keep himself between Loki and his kids.

“I wanted zombies.” Cooper mutters. Tony sips from his Hulk head mug again.

“It’s Christmas, not Halloween.” Clint tells them.

“It’d be like the Nightmare Before Christmas.” Lila says eagerly. 

“I don’t want my nightmares coming back!” Harry completely misses the reference. “They finally left. It’s supposed to be a happy Christmas.”

“Is Loki going to make the cookies attack Santa?” Lila suddenly sounds less enthused at the thought of zombie cookies when that thought enters her head.

“He better not.” Clint glares at Loki, who raises his hands placatingly. Truthfully, his prank really had just made a fun game of chase for the kids.

They return to building their houses, and Tony fails once again. Loki materializes a gingerbread version of the X-Mansion out of thin air with a smug grin.

“Bastard.” Clint mutters.

Tony made a new element, for crying out loud. How is cookie architecture defeating him? He designed Stark Tower, which is infinitely more complicated.

Even Logan managed to make a mostly standing house, despite putting in the absolute bare minimum amount of effort. His cookie house sits undecorated and dangerously close to toppling, and Sirius mutters to Remus that it’s like the Shrieking Shack in a gingerbread Hogsmeade. 

Logan’s watching Kitty and Rogue with folded arms and a scowl, though his eyes are somewhat soft.

Sirius and Remus are constructing a gingerbread castle, using magic to fix any broken pieces and hold the whole thing up. Tony’s surrounded by filthy cheaters.

Harry drags Logan over to his gingerbread Quidditch pitch to poke holes for the candy-cane hoops.

James has moved on to decorating his house, though he’s letting Steve do the icing while he places gumdrops. Tony scowls, although he proudly notes the arm he built James is able to pinch the gumdrops without breaking them. 

Jean uses her telekinesis to float her gingerbread roof to the top of her house, and only her powers are holding the wall together. 

Tony’s walls collapse again. Seriously? Sure, engineering takes a lot of trial and error, but come on!

“This isn’t rocket science, Tony.” Steve says with feigned innocence.

“You really have everyone fooled with your boy scout act.” Tony jabs a finger at Steve. “You’re a real jerk.”

“You have no idea.” James mutters, even though it’s Steve who usually calls him a jerk.

“I’m surprised you haven’t blown it up yet.” Clint joins in.

“I can fix that!” Jubilee rushes over and shoots sparks at Tony’s fallen house. 

Tony huffs. He made an Iron Man suit in a cave, with a box of scraps. He made the arm James used to successfully make his gingerbread house, yet Tony’s gingerbread houses are by far the worst. He can’t be the worst. He’s Tony Stark. 

He can’t lose to literal children. Or cheaters like Jean and Sirius and Remus.

“Need a hand?” James asks, right next to Tony, and Tony doesn’t jump, nope, no way.

James flexes his new prosthetic. Tony raises a brow. That was a pretty low-hanging joke.

James helps stabilize gingerbread walls, and Harry drives a toy cement truck and bulldozer over to assist with the construction.

“I’m a genius. I shouldn’t need help.” Tony groans.

“You made me an arm that doesn’t hurt.” James places his metal hand on Tony’s shoulder and squeezes gently. “That’s way better than a gingerbread house. And teams help each other. Family helps each other.”

“Am I in a Hallmark Christmas special?” Tony squints suspiciously. “What’s with all the feel-good family talk?”

“It is the truth.” Thor’s tone is totally sincere without a hint of teasing. “You are our shield brother and our family, and we will come to your aid when you require it.”

Tony takes another swig of coffee. His eyes burn only because he scalds his mouth.

While James fixes Tony’s house, Tony grabs a plain, circular cookie and makes wobbly icing rings and a star. He flings it at Steve and says “There. You owe me for making your shield.”

Steve catches the cookie shield, glancing around the kitchen at their mismatched family. The bickering has died down, leaving only cookies, hot cocoa, and holiday cheer. And a huge mess to clean up, but at least they have magic for that.

Steve has a soft smile, as if he can’t believe how lucky he is to be surrounded by all these people. “I owe you for a lot more than that, Tony. Merry Christmas.”