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Chapter Text

After a single fortnight had passed, Loki rose from the glass coffin he had been trapped in. 

Fandral had anxiously waited beside the glass coffin, scarcely daring to move, and was relieved when the lid finally opened to reveal that Loki had been healed and restored. 

Loki had been slain in the war with Hela Pluto Odinsdottir, but Fandral had managed to carry Loki into Asgard's healing coffin before Loki's heart had stopped beating. 

Loki woke with a gasp and shouted, "Vanya!" 

"Pardon?" Fandral said, nervously. "Are you well, Prince Loki?" 

Loki blinked at him, dazedly, and then simply said, "Where is Vanya Valkyrie?" 

"I do not know the dame of which you speak," Fandral said, frowning in confusion. "I thought Lady Sif was the sole surviving Valkyrie?" 

"Dammit, Lancer!" Loki shrieked, furiously shoving his hands against his face. "This coffin was meant to be for Vanya! Not me! You're supposed to rescue Vanya!" 

"Beg pardon?!" Fandral said, feeling more angry with his prince than he ever had before. "And leave you to die?!" 

"Aye!" Loki shouted. 

Then Loki vanished with an angry flash of red light.

After a single fortnight had passed, Loki rose from the glass coffin he had been trapped in. 

Fandral had anxiously waited beside the glass coffin, scarcely daring to move, and was relieved when the lid finally opened to reveal that Loki had been healed and restored. 

Loki had been slain in the war with Hela Pluto Odinsdottir, but Fandral had managed to carry Loki into Asgard's healing coffin before Loki's heart had stopped beating. 

Loki woke with a gasp and shouted, "Vanya!" 

"I apologize," Fandral said, nervously.  "I will assist you with your search for the fair Princess Vanya?" 

Loki blinked at him, dazedly, and then simply said, "Where is Vanya Valkyrie?" 

"I do not know the dame of which you speak," Fandral said, frowning in confusion. "I thought Lady Sif was the sole surviving Valkyrie?" 

"Dammit, Lancer!" Loki shrieked, furiously shoving his hands against his face. "This coffin was supposed to be for Vanya! Not me! You're supposed to rescue Vanya!" 

"Beg pardon?!" Fandral said, feeling more angry with his prince than he ever had before. "And leave you to die?!" 

"Aye!" Loki shouted. 

"H-halt!" Fandral shrieked. "I love you!" 

Loki blinked. "Huh?" 

"Please marry me?" Fandral said, tentatively. "We will conduct ourselves... er... as two handsome knight errants who... uh... who are pretending to be gay together?" 

Loki tilted his head, "Fake marriage plot?" 

"Aye!" Fandral said, desperately. 

"Hmm," Loki said, thoughtfully. 

Then he snapped his fingers and Alphonso Dashing Hawtrey opened his eyes inside of a glass coffin. 

Loki himself was standing outside of the coffin this time. 

"Please stay calm," Loki whispered. "We're in Germany. Please follow my lead?" 

"Aye aye!" Fandral said, quickly sitting up and joyfully throwing his arms around Loki. "Thank you for choosing me as your best mate!" 

"Of course, comrade," Loki whispered. "You've always been my favored shield brother." 

Loki helped Fandral step out of the coffin and then led him towards their adventure. 

It was a glorious war, valiantly won by Fandral and Loki of Asgard. 

When it was over, the two of them found fake wives and then lived in a house together with their fake wives. 

It was a marvelous five decades on Midgard cheerfully spent with the fair Princeton Loki of Georgia Germany. 

Fandral would still say, centuries later, that the vampire's bargain had been well worth it. 

For all on Asgard knew that there was nothing Fandral wouldn't do for his Loki. 

Chapter Text

Loki was trying to read while attending one of Asgard's feasts. He'd brought a book with him to the dinner table because he was tired of attempting to carry out polite conversations with his peers. 

However, on this particular day, Hogun the Grim sat down next to Loki at the feasting table and quietly whispered, "Ma laasot?"

Loki almost dropped his book in the chicken salad bowl he was eating out of, but managed to prevent it from contaminating his meal at the last second. 

"Beg pardon?" Loki said, holding his book to his chest. "What can be done about what?" 

"About Prince Loki," Hogun said, frowning at Loki's chicken salad bowl. "Is that all you'll be eating today, my prince?"

"Am I so frightfully thin?" Loki said, wrinkling his nose. "Don't pay me any attention, Hogun. Enjoy your own food."

"Why do you insist on eating so little?" Hogun said. "We have a bountiful feast laid out before us, yet you nibble at the offerings like a bird."

"Have I offended your sensibilities?" Loki said. "How do the people of Vanaheim prefer to eat their food? Do they guzzle their roasted ham the same way the Aesir do?"

"No," Hogun said. "They don't guzzle their ham. Instead, they daintily sip at tea cups with their pinkies out and call each other fat."

Loki laughed. 

"You remind me of them," Hogun said. "Please don't neglect your meal?"

"Very well," Loki said. "I'll eat a bit more." 

"Thank you, Prince Loki," Hogun said. "Have some pudding. While you're at it, please enjoy some chocolate. My shield mates and I have just spent several long months on Midgard collecting chocolate for the people of Asgard, so won't you please enjoy the fruits of my labor?"

"Oh?" Loki said. "I haven't tasted chocolate in eons."

"Do you remember it fondly?" Hogun said. 

"Aye," Loki said. "I do."

Hogun stood and leaned over the feasting table in order to reach a bowl that was holding round little balls of caramel chocolates. The chocolates were the type that had been delicately built with wafers so that there was an outer coat of chocolate and an inner coat of caramel.

"Please accept this offering," Hogun murmured. "I'd like to give you this entire bowl."

"That's too many chocolates, Hogun," Loki said. "I can't eat an entire bowl."

"Why can't you?" Hogun said. 

"It would upset my stomach?" Loki said. 

"Then you can eat some of them and send the rest to one of your pocket dimensions?" Hogun said. "Eat some of them and save the rest for later?"

"I suppose?" Loki said. "But it would be rude to do that, wouldn't it?"

"Not at all," Hogun said. "As one of the warriors that personally spent time and labor on Midgard to collect this chocolate, nothing would please me more than to watch my Prince Loki save some of it for later."

"Hmm," Loki said. "In that case, I'd better not risk insulting a fair citizen of Vanaheim. It would be uncouth."

"Indeed," Hogun said. "It would be uncouth."

Loki grinned. "But will you eat the chocolates with me?"

"Aye," Hogun said. "I'll also enjoy these chocolates with my Prince Loki."

Loki chuckled. 

"But first we must eat our proper food," Loki said, sternly. "It would be crass to eat chocolates before our proper meal is finished."

"Aye," Hogun said, nodding. "Chocolate should be saved for desert."

Loki decided to send his book back to his pocket dimension and then he finished his chicken salad and even reached for gravy and potatoes while Hogun amicably chatted about his adventures on Midgard during the past few months. 

Then Fandral the Dashing made a point to emphasize his namesake by breathlessly dashing up to the dinner table where Loki and Hogun were sitting. 

"Diskarte!" Fandral shouted. "I refuse to be frightened away from my courtship!"

"Courtship?" Loki said, raising an eyebrow. "What courtship?"

"Lyja kirviais!" Hogun said. "Stand down, Fandral! No one is threatening your courtship!"

Fandral stood in front of them with a trembling lip and a hand on his sword's handle. He hadn't pulled the sword out of its sheath, but he looked like he was sorely tempted to do so.

"The hell you aren't!" Fandral said. "I've studied the people of Vanaheim, Hogun! You think I don't know exactly what you're doing?"

"This is clearly a misunderstanding," Loki said. "Please don't start a duel with a Vanir citizen, Fandral. Asgard opened its doors to all of Vanaheim and each of their citizens is considered a double citizen!"

"Aye!" Hogun said. "I'm a double citizen of Asgard and of Vanaheim, so you best not test my patience!"

"Don't pretend to be ignorant of the crime I've accuse you of!" Fandral screamed. "I know you well, Hogun the Grim! I know you well!"

"Alright!" Hogun said. "I won't pretend to be ignorant, but I made no attempt to frighten you? In fact, I support your courtship."

Fandral blinked. "You support my courtship?"

"Aye!" Hogun said, angrily. "I will cheer you on and I'll even assist you in winning the heart of the soul you cherish!"

"I'm not a little fool!" Fandral said, just as angrily. 

"Calm down!" Loki said. "This is simply a symptom of culture shock!"

"Culture shock?" Fandral said, blinking bemusedly. 

Hogun groaned. 

"You foolish Aesir," Loki said. "You may have spent some time studying the people Vanaheim, but it's clear to me you need to do more studying."

"Do I?" Fandral said. 

"You idiotic Aesir!" Hogun said. "I won't stand in the way of your courtship!"

"But I caught you starting your own courtship!" Fandral said. "I've caught you red handed, Hogun! I've caught you!"

"Aye?" Hogun said. "What of it?"

"What of it?!" Fandral echoed, incredulously. "This is clearly the end of our centuries long friendship, Hogun!" 

"It is?" Hogun said, looking puzzled. 

"Hades in a handbasket," Loki said. "Vanir men are not as barbaric as Aesir men, Fandral! They are perfectly willing to compete with each other for the hand of their lady love while still maintaining gentlemanly friendships."

"Pardon?" Fandral said. 

"If you would like to end our friendship," Hogun said, grimly. "I will not stop you. But know this. It was not I that threatened your courtship. It was your own pea brained ineptitude that threatened your courtship."

"Blast!" Fandral said. "I apologize for being a pea brained Aesir, Hogun, but I won't allow you to capture my Moonflower!"

"Very well?" Hogun said. "Does that mean you don't want my assistance with your courtship?"

"Of course I don't want your assistance!" Fandral shouted. "Am I not a man fully capable of carrying out his own courtship without a shield mate's assistance?"

"I don't think you are, Fandral," Loki said. "But if you cannot stand the thought of being assisted by a man who is competing for the same Moonflower, will you take my assistance in Hogun's place?" 

"No, Prince Loki!" Fandral said. "I don't need your assistance either!"

"There you have it," Hogun said, cheerfully. "Fandral the Dashing is rejecting your assistance, Prince Loki. However, I'll have you know that I will gleefully accept your assistance with my courtship."

Loki blinked at Hogun, blushed, and then cleared his throat. 

"Good," Loki said, curtly. 

"Morgana's toadstools!" Fandral said. "You are a conniving man, Hogun!"

"Aye!" Hogun said, laughing boisterously. "I am indeed a conniving man!"

"Pardon?" Loki said.  

"Never you mind, Prince Loki!" Fandral said. "But I'll have you know this elf is a man who freely lies whenever it suits him!"

"Is that so?" Loki said, grinning at Hogun. 

Hogun winked. 

Subtly, Loki applied a cooling charm to prevent his face from being set on fire. He hoped Hogun was not sitting close enough to feel the cool air, but it looked like the man did indeed feel the magic. 

Hogun smirked and leaned closer to Loki.

"Will you cool me down, too?" Hogun whispered. "I fear my entire head will soon be set aflame."

"Yes sire," Loki whispered. 

He used a second cooling charm, this time directing it at Hogun. 

"Circe!" Fandral said. "This isn't the end, Hogun! This is not the end!"

Hogun waved Fandral off and dismissively said, "You've already rejected my assistance with your courtship, Fandral. Won't you go away? Perhaps return to your studies of the Vanaheim people."

"Is your lady love living on Vanaheim, Hogun?" Loki said. 

"Indeed," Hogun said. 

"Not so!" Fandral said. "He isn't living on Vanaheim!"

"Oho!" Loki said. "You'd like to court a man, Fandral?"

"Yes I would, Prince Loki!" Fandral said. "Yes I would!"

"Brave of you," Loki said, directing an approving look in Fandral's direction. 

Fandral blushed and stood there stuttering for a moment, but then he spun around and stomped away. 

"Good riddance!" Hogun called after him. "You'll regret making me into your enemy, Fandral!"

Fandral didn't respond to this. He was too busy emphasizing his namesake and dashing away with the urgency of a knight on a dire quest. 

"Will you tell me which man the two of you are fighting over?" Loki said. 

"Alas," Hogun said, chuckling. "I swore to Fandral that I would maintain my silence. I even swore a solemn blood oath with the fair Lady Sif. I promised her I would maintain my silence, so my tongue has been magically bound."

"Drat," Loki said. "I feel as though I was there shortly before you'd performed the blood ritual? I recall you and Lady Sif screaming at each other when we were trapped in that Midgardian cave last year."

"Indeed," Hogun said. "Shortly after that, I performed a blood ritual with Lady Sif."

"I see," Loki said, thoughtfully. "I mistook the two of you for lovers, but in fact you were rivals competing for the same man?"

"Yes, Prince Loki," Hogun said. "We are rivals competing for the same man."

"Is it Thor?" Loki said. "Blast! You can't tell me, but of course it's Thor."

Hogun propped his chin up on his palm while rudely setting his elbow upon the table. Then he sighed like a lovelorn maiden. 

Loki grinned. "Aha. You are a lucky man, Hogun! There are none on Asgard that know Thor better than I know Thor."

"I know this well, Prince Loki," Hogun said, with a gentle smile.

"Is this why you made an offering of the chocolates you collected on Midgard?" Loki said. "You aimed to persuade me to assist you with your courtship?" 

"Aye," Hogun said. "I aimed to persuade you."

"Good lad," Loki said, reaching up to fondly pat Hogun on the head. "You've made the right choice. I'm clearly the best man for this quest."

"Yes," Hogun said. "You are the best man for this quest." 

"Fear not," Loki said, confidently raising his chin. "You are more handsome than Fandral. You will easily win Thor's attention."

Hogun grinned. "Truly? I'm more handsome than Fandral?"

"Of course," Loki said. "The Aesir are simple people, Hogun. They consider blonde haired men to be more handsome than brunette men."

Hogun tilted his head. "Aye? But my hair isn't quite blonde. I'm more of a mousy mix in between brown and blonde?"

"Your hair is light enough to be considered blonde," Loki said, reassuringly. "It's much lighter than Fandral's hair."

"This is true," Hogun said. "But do you really think I'm more handsome than Fandral?"

"As I said," Loki said. "The Aesir are simple people. Thor was raised with their ideals, so he'll consider you more handsome than Fandral."

"Hmm," Hogun said. "I understand your meaning, Prince Loki."

"Good lad," Loki said. "Together, we will defeat Fandral and Lady Sif. We will win Thor's attention and then he will... well... I can't guarantee Thor will lay with you, but the man has always enjoyed the company of men and women alike."

"Aye?" Hogun said, straightening up. "I thought Thor would only tumble women?"

"Not so," Loki said. "He also enjoys a tumble with handsome men, every now and again."

"He does?" Hogun said, eyes widening. "Are you certain? Have you witnessed Thor in bed with a man with your own eyeballs, sire?"

"Aye," Loki said. "I once caught him with one of those pageboys, you know? A slim pageboy."

"Drat!" Hogun said. 

"Not to worry," Loki said. "It was a short lived romance. The pageboy won't compete with you."

"I see," Hogun said, shakily. "Will you please excuse me, Prince Loki? Erm... ah... exulansis."

"Exulansis?" Loki said. "I've never heard that word."

"I apologize," Hogun said, nervously glancing around. "I picked it up on Midgard."

"I see," Loki said. "What does it mean?"

"Silly me," Hogun said, chuckling like a man who was eager to escape from his uncle, but didn't dare abandon his manners. "I heard it said, but the meaning escapes me."

"Hmm," Loki said. "Very well? Would you like to be excused from the dinner table, Hogun?"

"Yes, please," Hogun said, sighing. "But know that I am very pleased by your assistance and that I will gladly fetch anything you would like me to fetch? Please treat me as your pageboy."

"Aye," Loki said. "Please leave at your leisure, Hogun."

Looking immensely relieved, Hogun stood up, formally bowed, and then quickly walked away from Asgard's feasting hall. 

Once Hogun was out of sight, Lady Sif marched up to the table and sat down next to Loki. 

"I demand your assistance as well!" Lady Sif said. 

"No can do," Loki said, smirking. "I'm assisting Hogun."

"I care not!" Lady Sif said. "I am the woman who will marry Prince Thor. Therefore, you had better assist me or else risk my ire after the wedding ceremony."

"Oho," Loki said. "You'll win Thor as a husband with or without me, so I have no choice but to assist you?"

"Aye!" Lady Sif said, angrily. "You have no choice, sire! No choice!"

"Hmm," Loki said. "What will you offer me in exchange for my assistance?"

"What would you have me do?" Lady Sif said. 

Arrogantly, Loki reached for one of the chocolates in the bowl Hogun had given him and popped it into his mouth. He chewed on it slowly and savored the flavor while also savoring the furious expression on Lady Sif's lovely face. 

Lady Sif simply sat there and waited for him to finish his chocolate while looking agonized. 

"Hmm," Loki said. "I have no idea, Lady Sif. I don't need a pagegirl. I already have Hogun as a pageboy."

"I care not!" Lady Sif said, furiously scowling. 

She was so angry, her face was slowly burning up with rage and turning as red as Volstagg's hair. 

Gleefully, Loki said, "Why should I help you, Lady Sif? You've been a thorn in my side for centuries."

"Aye!" Lady Sif said. "I've been a thorn in your side for centuries! I'll kneel on the ground and grovel for forgiveness, will I?"

"Not at all," Loki said. "Hmm... I have an idea. Your hair is as pale and lovely as gold, Lady Sif. If you darken your hair with ink, I will assist you with your courtship."

Lady Sif blinked. 

"If you refuse to darken your hair?" Loki said. "I won't help you win Thor's hand in marriage."

He felt confident that she would refuse the challenge, so Loki laughed like an evil villain and then ate another chocolate. 

"That's all you'll ask me to do?" Lady Sif said, squinting at him. "You'll only ask me to match my hair to your raven shade of black?"

"Aye," Loki said, generously holding his bowl of chocolate out towards her. "Would you like a chocolate, Lady Sif?"

"Yes I would!" Lady Sif said, aggressively grinning. "Not only will I eat a chocolate, I will emulate the fair Prince Loki!"

"Pardon?" Loki said. 

"It is clear to me that Prince Loki is as beautiful as Snow White!" Lady Sif said. "His skin is as white as snow and his hair is as dark as the night sky above!"

"You flatter me, Lady Sif," Loki said, flatly. 

Gleefully, Lady Sif reached into the bowl and grabbed a handful of chocolates. She didn't seem to care that her hand was going to be stained as she crushed the chocolates in her fist and then barbarically shoved them into her mouth. 

As she chewed on the chocolates, her face seemed to turn even more red than it already had been. She was as red as a tomato. 

She made a show out of licking her palms, then smirked at him. 

"I will match my hair with yours, Prince Loki!" Lady Sif declared, with arrogant confidence. "I will be as beautiful as you are, Prince Loki!"

"You don't need to shower me with asinine compliments!" Loki said, hotly. "I'm not a little fool!" 

"Nay!" Lady Sif said, giggling. "I will shower you with compliments every day, Prince Loki!"

"Do what you will!" Loki said. "You had better darken your hair, Lady Sif. You'll consult Queen Frigga yourself and you will ask her for a hair potion. A semi-permanent hair potion! It will change your hair so that your hair will grow dark for at least a decade!"

"At least a decade?" Lady Sif said, gasping. "I had no idea the Allmother was in possession of such powerful hair potions!"

"She is a masterful sorceress!" Loki said, angrily. "Of course she has powerful hair potions! When you apply her hair potion, you will be trapped with raven black hair for at least a decade! It will take a long ten years for your hair to return to its natural blonde!"

"Aye aye!" Lady Sif said. "I will re-apply the hair potion every ten years!"

"What?!" Loki said, aghast. 

Lady Sif gave him a beautific smile. 

Loki blinked at her. 

Never before had he witnessed such a genuine smile upon the face of the fair Lady Sif. 

"It will be worth the trouble," Lady Sif said, softly. "I suspect I will love my new hair."

"Hmm," Loki said. "Thor is a simple Aesir, Lady Sif. I suspect he won't love your new hair."

"Bah," Lady Sif said. "I care not."

"You're a foolish woman!" Loki said. "Why would you make such a bargain?"

"It will be worth the trouble!" Lady Sif insisted. 

"No it won't!" Loki said. "Give up on my assistance! Ask Frigga for assistance with your courtship instead of me, Lady Sif! I beg of you!"

"Nay!" Lady Sif said. "I will darken my hair!"

"I've changed my mind!" Loki said. "You mustn't darken your hair!"

"Why mustn't I?" Lady Sif said, looking puzzled. 

"I fear you will weep at the sight of yourself in the mirror?" Loki said. "You'll regret it and then you will weep!"

"Nay!" Lady Sif said. "I won't weep!"

"I didn't think you would agree to the challenge, Lady Sif!" Loki said.

"Oh?" Lady Sif said. "Why?"

"Your hair is as lovely as gold, Lady Sif!" Loki said. 

"I care not!" Lady Sif said. 

"All of Asgard will weep at the loss, Lady Sif!" Loki said. "Your hair is platinum blonde, Lady Sif! Do you have any idea how rare that is?!"

"Rare?" Lady Sif said. "It isn't rare. The entire Vanaheim planet is covered in men and women who are platinum blonde."

"Aye!" Loki said. "But Asgard isn't covered in men and women who are platinum blonde. It's more rare on Asgard!"

"Why does that matter?" Lady Sif said. 

"The Aesir are simple people!" Loki said. "You'll offend their sensibilities!"

"I care not," Lady Sif said, huffing. 

"They will hound you," Loki said. "I'm warning you, lass. They. Will. Hound. You. The Aesir people will moan and sob as if you've killed an innocent baby sparrow and mounted it on your windowsill!"

"Hmm," Lady Sif said. "Why do you care, Prince Loki? Didn't you want them to hound me?"

"I wanted you to give up on my assistance!" Loki said. 

"That is what you wanted?" Lady Sif said. "Truly? Do you sincerely mean to tell me that you gave me a quest that you thought I would refuse?" 

"Aye!" Loki said. "I gave you a quest that I thought you would refuse!"

Lady Sif grinned, giggled like a delighted schoolgirl, and then lunged forward to kiss him upon the forehead. 

Shocked by this behavior, Loki lunged backwards. His elbow landed in gravy and he cursed like a sailor. 

Lady Sif continued to laugh and laugh as if she had just witnessed an amusing comedy of errors. 

"You've gone mad, Lady Sif," Loki said, shakily. "Why won't you ask Frigga for her assistance? Surely she would be of more help?"

"Do you think so?" Lady Sif said, tossing her lovely blonde hair over her shoulder. "Why would the Allmother be of more help?"

"She knows Thor better than I do!" Loki said. "Why wouldn't you seek the counsel of the man's mother instead of his brother?" 

"Because I prefer Thor's brother," Lady Sif said, playfully bopping him on the nose. 

Then she reached up to roughly tousle Loki's hair, aggressively making a mess of the hairstyle that Loki had painstakingly put into place in front of the mirror that morning. 

"Stop that!" Loki said. "You'll make me look like an idiot, Lady Sif!"

"Good!" Lady Sif said. "You are too beautiful for your own good, Prince Loki!"

"Lies!" Loki said, hotly. 

"I don't lie," Lady Sif said, leaning closer and biting him on the nose. 

She bit him hard enough to draw a bit of blood and then licked his nose. Loki winced and leaned back further, practically crawling backwards on top of the table, but Lady Sif followed him and then nipped at his ear. She bit him more gently, this second time, and didn't draw more blood. 

"Barbarian!" Loki said. "Why are you biting me like a mad woman!"

Lady Sif didn't answer. She was sitting on his lap and nuzzling her face against the crook of his neck. 

Then Thor marched up to them, snaked his arms around Lady Sif's waist, and pulled her off of Loki's lap.

"Unhand me, Thor!" Lady Sif shouted. "You must unhand me!"

"Nay!" Thor said. "You are a rude woman, Lady Sif!"

"Very rude!" Loki said. "This woman is very rude, Thor!"

"I won't be frightened away from my courtship!" Lady Sif shrieked. 

Thor hefted her over his shoulder as if he were hauling a sack of potatoes and carried her out of the feasting hall. 

The next time Loki saw Lady Sif, her hair was as dark as the night. 

"I completed my quest, Prince Loki!" Lady Sif said, cheerfully waving at him. "I accepted your challenge!"

"Very well!" Loki said. "I'll help you with your courtship!"

"Good lad!" Lady Sif said. "Yes you will!" 

However, Loki failed to help her with her courtship. Shortly after he agreed to do so, Odin Allfather publicly declared that he would be abandoning the throne of Asgard. 

Odin said he would amicably gift the throne to his eldest son instead of forcing Thor to wait for his father's death, as was tradition. 

Insulted by this breech from noble tradition, Loki devised a scheme with the Jötunheimr Frost Giants. He was determined to convince Odin that Thor was not fit to be king. Thor was much too foolish to be granted the throne of Asgard. Odin would see. He was determined to show Odin that Thor was a pea brained warrior with no mind for politics! 

His scheme was thwarted, of course. 

Loki should have known he would be thwarted. He should have known the spare son of Odin would never be able to defeat the favored son, God of Thunder, who had been granted every noble title under the Asgardian sun while Loki himself had been disdainfully disparaged as the God of Mischief, Lies, and Cowardly Magic. 

It was only natural that Loki would lose. He should have known. 

When he lost, Loki fell off the Bifrost. 

Thor caught him and attempted to pull him back up onto the rainbow bridge, but Loki's pride could not stand the sting of salt in his wound. He let go of Thor's helping hand and allowed himself to fall. 

If I die, Loki thought. So be it. 

Chapter Text

When one has just betrayed an all powerful war lord whose army stretches across multiple solar systems, the best course of action is to join the army of a rival war lord. 

Or, in this case, a Dame. 

Dame Gothel was infamous across the universe as a mistress with an army that rivaled the Lost Valkyries. She was blood thirsty, self righteous, and obsessed with environmentalism. She would start wars with planets that she felt were polluting their ecosystems with irresponsible technological advancements. 

When Loki fled from Thanos with the Tesseract, he snuck onto one of the planets that Dame Gothel held dominion over and furtively signed up for her army like a man who was determined to put his life on the line for queen and country. 

He used an alias, of course. 

Loki simply called himself Lewis Ferris. 

However, instead of being sent to a boot camp with the other men and women who had signed up for Dame Gothel's army, Loki was picked out of the crowd by a general who recognized him as the second son of Odin. 

"An Asgardian graces us with his presence, hmm?" the general said, leering down at Loki from atop his chariot. "Loki Odinson, isn't that right? You are not Lewis Ferris."

"I beg your pardon?" Loki said, as politely as possible. 

"Don't play with me, boy," the general said. "I'm well aware of the skirmish you started on Terra with your tiny little militia of Chitauri. You'll be coming with me."

"Very well," Loki said, with a tight lipped smile.

The other soldiers scowled at Loki as he was led away by the war general. 

"Well, well, well," Dame Gothel said. "What have we here?"

Loki had been led into her throne room by the war general and several armed guards. 

"Loki Odinson," the general said, proudly. "I caught him attempting to infiltrate your army under the alias Lewis Ferris."

"Hah!" Dame Gothel said. "You mistook me for a fool, Odinson?"

"No, ma'am," Loki said, with his head respectfully bowed. "I was the fool who once thought Thanos was a leader worth following. I regret my actions on Terra and have brought you the Tesseract that I was ordered to deliver to Thanos."

With a flourish, Loki pulled the Tesseract out of his pocket dimension and held it up while keeping his eyes carefully downcast. 

"No one touch it!" Dame Gothel barked. "That little blue box might look inviting, but it is a powerful item."

None of her armed guards made a move to grab the Tesseract. Loki was left standing there with his head bowed, simply holding the Tesseract aloft. 

"Where is my eldest mage?" Dame Gothel said, to one of her guards. "Wherever she is, tell her she is needed here. I want her to examine this Tesseract."

"Yes, Dame," the guard said. 

The guard, a large androgynous warrior with pale yellow skin, hurried out of the throne room.

"You'll behave yourself, won't you Odinson?" Dame Gothel said. "Your reputation precedes you, boy. If you try to pull any trickery, I hope you know you will lose your life in the attempt."

"I'm well aware," Loki murmured. 

He carefully maintained a subservient posture and patiently waited for the mage that Dame Gothel had asked for.

Eventually, a tall woman strode into the throne room. 

She towered over every other person in the room. Her hair was pale white and her skin was blue. 

Loki realized he was looking at a full grown Frost Giant, then quickly looked back down at his feet. 

"Angrboða is very skilled, Odinson," Dame Gothel said. "If you've tampered with this magical item, she will discover it. Isn't that right, Angrboða?"

"Yes, mistress," Angrboða said, confidently. "I've studied magic for centuries. There are none who would rival my expertise." 

"I want you to take this Asgardian with you, Angrboða," Dame Gothel said. "Put him to work as one of your mages." 

"I will discipline him and see that he falls into line," Angrboða said. "When I'm done with him, he will be loyal to your cause, Dame Gothel."

"Of course he will," Dame Gothel said, smirking. "He has no choice."

Loki shivered. 

Then the Tesseract was finally taken from him. The mage Frost Giant known as Angrboða simply picked it up with her bare hands. 

The guards in the rooms each gasped, as if she had just put her hands into the very pits of hell, and they anxiously looked up at her as she held the Tesseract close to her face, smirked, and then confidently announced, "It has not been tampered with."

"Good," Dame Gothel said. "Lock it up with my other weapons and then begin training your new mageling."

"Yes, mistress," Angrboða said. "Come along, Odinson. We have much to do."

"Very well," Loki said. 

He followed the woman out of the throne room. Once he was standing closer to her he was made aware of just how tall she was. Loki's head barely reached Angrboða's waistline. Walking beside her was humiliating, but he had no choice. 

Dutifully as a loyal soldier, Loki followed the giant woman wherever she wanted to lead him. 

First she walked towards Dame Gothel's armory of weapons and placed the Tesseract behind a magically shielded enclosure. Then they walked through a campground of tents where other soldiers loitered about. These soldiers were cooking meals over campfires, drinking and laughing together, but all stopped to stare as Angrboða walked past them. They stared at her long white hair, which was loose and gently flowing about her shoulders, and they stared at her bosom, which was ample, but they also stared at Loki and glared at him as if he had just committed treason against their war lord. 

Loki ignored these soldiers and simply walked along. 

Eventually, Angrboða led him away from the soldiers and their tents. There was a large wooden cabin on the outskirts of Dame Gothel's city. This cabin was much larger than any wood cabin Loki had ever seen before. 

He realized it must have been built with Angrboða's height in mind. Once they stepped inside, he saw that all of the furniture was sized to suit her girth. 

"Where do your mages sleep?" Loki said. 

"The other mages are off planet," Angrboða said. "I am a mage who only teaches one apprentice at a time. When I am done with my apprentice, my mage joins Dame Gothel's army. All that have studied under me now work tirelessly as her dedicated mages."

"I see," Loki said. "How long did these mages study with you?"

"As long as was necessary," Angrboða said, chuckling. 

"And where would you have me sleep?" Loki said, raising an eyebrow. 

"In my bed, of course," Angrboða said, leering down at him. "You will be my little pet, Odinson. Do you protest?"

Loki gulped. 

He took a deep breath. 

Then, carefully, Loki said, "I do not protest."

"Good," Angrboða murmured. "Remove your glamour."

"I beg your pardon?" Loki said. 

"Did I stutter?" Angrboða said. 

"I'm not using a glamour," Loki said. 

"I know you well, Loki Lie-smith," Angrboða said. "You were born on Jötunheimr. You and I are just the same, biologically speaking. When we are alone together, you will remove your glamour. I will allow you to disguise yourself as Aesir when we are outside of this cabin, but inside my walls you will live fully as yourself. Remove the glamour."

Loki scowled up at her. 

"Now!" Angrboða said. 

Huffing, Loki snapped his fingers and removed his glamour. 

Where his skin had been creamy white, it was now blue. It was nearly the same blue as Angrboða's skin, but hers was a lighter shade. More of a sky blue. 

"Your hair is not naturally dark," Angrboða said. "Why did you leave the glamour on your hair?"

"It slipped my mind," Loki said, stiffly. 

"Liar," Angrboða said. 

Loki squinted at her. 

"Remove the glamour," Angrboða said. "I will not ask again."

Loki sighed. 

Then he snapped his fingers again and allowed all of the color to leave his hair. Now it was as snowy white as the hair of any other Frost Giant. 

"Most of our kind prefer to shave their heads," Angrboða said. "But I enjoy growing my hair as long as a waterfall. You've chosen a tasteful shoulder length. I enjoy it, so I will allow you to keep your hairstyle of choice."

"Thank you," Loki said, tightly. 

"We will begin training your magic tomorrow," Angrboða said. "Before that, I will have a look inside of your mind."

"Why?" Loki said. 

"Because I know how Thanos conducts his army," Angrboða said. "I will hunt inside of your mind for any spellwork that might have been left behind to poison you."

Loki closed his eyes and braced himself. 

He held himself still for as long as he was able, then opened his eyes and shouted, "Get on with it!"

"Oh?" Angrboða said. "I already have."

"What?!" Loki said. 

"Were you anticipating pain?" Angrboða said. 

"Of course I was!" Loki said. 

"I don't work for Thanos," Angrboða said, sternly. "I work for Dame Gothel. She bid me to practice my magic as I see fit. When I read the mind of a fellow mage, I will not incite pain with my magic."

Loki blinked. 

"You've already looked inside my mind?" Loki said, doubtfully. "I didn't feel a thing!" 

"Yes, little one," Angrboða said. "Because I didn't want you to feel a thing."

"You've mistaken me for a fool?" Loki said. 

"No, sapling," Angrboða whispered. "I've mistaken you for an injured fowl."

Loki scoffed. 

"Settle down, snowflake," Angrboða murmured. "You were right to flee from Thanos. Dame Gothel is a better master. She will not harm you as Thanos did. Nor will I."

"Yes, yes," Loki said, rolling his eyes. "And now I will get into your bed and I will use my skillful tongue, will I?"

"No," Angrboða said. "You will get into my bed and you will allow me to warm you. I will embrace you like a mother bear with her cub."

"Why would you do such a silly thing?" Loki said. 

"Because I am your elder," Angrboða said. "I will care for you. You will allow me to care for you because you signed yourself up for Dame Gothel's army. When you did so, you became my apprentice. So get into my bed, little Gelid. I will hug you and rock you to sleep."

"I'm not a toddling babe!" Loki shouted. 

"Yes you are," Angrboða said. "You are much smaller than me. You are much younger than me. You are more foolish than me. Therefore, inside of this cabin, you are a toddling babe."

Loki was tempted to teleport elsewhere, but he restrained himself from doing so for one very simple reason: 

Thanos would kill him on sight if he ever caught Loki. 

In order to escape from Thanos, Loki had sought Dame Gothel. 

Now, he was stuck with Dame Gothel's eldest mage. 

"Yes, Loki," Angrboða said. "You are stuck with me, so be a good boy. It is your bedtime."

"The sun is still shining above us!" Loki said. "It is no one's bedtime!" 

"You haven't slept in over thirty two hours," Angrboða said. "Sleep deprivation is very bad for you, child. I demand my mages conduct themselves with intelligence. I will make you into an intelligent mage if it's the last thing I do. Therefore, you will sleep when you are told to sleep. Get into my bed."

Begrudgingly, Loki stomped towards Angrboða's bed. It had been tucked away in the corner of her cabin. 

The bed was massive. Of course it was. Angrboða herself was massive. 

Loki used his magic to teleport onto the bed in order to save himself the humiliation of awkwardly clambering up onto it. 

Angrboða hummed approvingly. 

Then she herself got onto the bed and pulled her blankets over them both. 

Loki thought she would immediately wrap her arms around him and restrain him, but Angrboða didn't do that. 

Instead, she simply laid down beside him with her arm up against him. 

He was as stiff as a board while lying there. He glared at her ceiling for some time. 

He braced himself for a hand against his thigh or a tongue shoved into his ear, but Angrboða didn't make any sexual advances. 

She simply laid down beside him. 

The blanket she had thrown over them was warm, but it was not too warm. The pillow under Loki's head was soft, but it was not too soft. 

This mage has turned me into Goldilocks, Loki thought, angrily. She has lured me into her cabin in the woods like Hansel and Gretel. 

"I promise not to cook you into a meat pie," Angrboða said, with amusement. 

"Stop reading my thoughts!" Loki shrieked. 

"I cannot," Angrboða said. "But I will teach you how to shield your thoughts. Until then, I have no choice in the matter."

"Pardon?!" Loki said. 

"I've been freely reading your mind from the moment I first laid eyes on you," Angrboða said. "You must learn to protect your thoughts with Mind Magic. There are many skilled mages just like me who read your thoughts whenever they please." 

"Circe!" Loki said. "When will you teach me Mind Magic?"

"We'll begin our first lesson tomorrow," Angrboða said. "After you have slept and eaten, hmm? Be a good boy and close your eyes."

Furiously, Loki sat up. 

"I don't need to sleep!" Loki said. "Teach me right now!"

"You do need to sleep," Angrboða said. "A student who has not slept is a poor student."

"Blast it!" Loki said. "I'll take my chances with Thanos!"

"No," Angrboða said. "You will not. Settle down, boy."

Loki laid back down and turned his back on her. 

Then Angrboða slowly snaked her arms around him. She hugged him, gently, and said, "I will not hurt you, Loki. You are safe. No one will harm you while you work for Dame Gothel. You made the right choice. You are safe."

Loki squeezed his eyes shut. 

He didn't believe her, but he didn't say a word. He simply kept his eyes closed and waited for sleep to take him. It took eons, but he eventually fell asleep. He slept fitfully, but he did sleep. 

There was no other choice. 

When Thor learned that his brother had escaped from the Avengers, he vowed to find Loki. His Avengers shield brothers were meant to return Loki to Asgard for his sentencing, but they had instead allowed Loki to escape. 

It was unacceptable. 

However, he didn't know where to begin his search. 

"I asked Heimdall to make use of his sight," Father said, when Thor informed him of Loki's escape. "He tells me Loki was only visible for a brief moment. He jumped to a planet known as Niflheimr and then was cloaked by a powerful sorceress." 

"Niflheimr?" Thor said. "Where is Niflheimr?" 

"It shares a solar system with Jötunheimr," Father said. "It is a much smaller planet, however. Warmer. Crawling with savages and terrorists."

"Terrorists?" Thor said. "Who are they terrorizing?"

"They incite wars across countless galaxies," Father said. "I've left them alone because they know well enough not to touch any of the realms within Asgard's Empire." 

"If Loki is there, we must find him," Thor said. "Might I take The Warriors Three on a scouting mission?"

"Yes," Father said. "Take them on a scouting mission. Be wise, son. Don't allow the savages to poison your mind with their magic."

"Yes, Father," Thor said, stoically. "I will bring Loki home. We will give him a fair trial for his crimes against Midgard."

"Yes," Father said. "We will."

Angrboða was a stern mistress. She gave Loki mental exercises that he might use to build a mind palace. From there, he would slowly build a fortress against mind readers. 

He was impatient with her slow pace, but knew he had no choice. Whenever he neglected meals, she would scold him. When she felt it was time to sleep, Angrboða would send him to her bed like a naughty schoolboy. 

He had no choice, so Loki followed her orders. 

Eventually, he learned how to shield his thoughts from her. 

However, his relief was short lived. 

The soldiers who worked for Dame Gothel's army were infatuated with Angrboða. They would frequently visit her cabin with flowers and food. 

At first, this was of no concern to Loki. 

But one day, one of the soldiers who came to give Angrboða a basket of bread was not from Dame Gothel's army. 

It was Fandral the Dashing, of Asgard. 

This fool doesn't know that Angrboða is a mind reader! Loki thought. He'll get himself killed as soon as his thoughts reveal him as an agent of Asgard! 

The only thing that saved Fandral was the fact that Loki had opened Angrboða's cabin door. 

Angrboða herself was tending to her garden behind her cabin, so Loki quickly stepped outside and shoved a knife against Fandral's neck. 

"You will leave this place," Loki hissed. "You will tell Heimdall to take you back to Asgard."

"I won't leave!" Fandral said, defiantly. "I'm here to rescue you, Prince Loki!"

"I don't need rescuing!" Loki said. "Thor put you up to this, didn't he? You must tell him to leave me be!"

"Thor is searching for you like a dog without his bone!" Fandral said. "He won't rest until his brother returns to Asgard!"

"And then he'll shove me in the dungeons!" Loki said. 

"Yes," Fandral admitted. "But you'll be safe in the dungeons, Prince Loki. You will get a fair trial and then you will simply serve your sentence for your crimes against Midgard?"

Loki scoffed. 

"You think you deserve to escape from justice?" Fandral said. 

"Yes," Loki said. "I do."

"You cannot stay here with these savages!" Fandral insisted. 

"I will not return to Asgard!" Loki said, hotly. "Leave this place! Else you'll lose your head!" 

"I won't lose my head," Fandral said, smirking. "I'm a sturdy Aesir, eh? I won't leave without you, Prince Loki."

"Where are the rest of your foolish Warriors Three?" Loki said, sneering at him. "Do they follow Thor as usual or do they have some sense in their heads, this decade?"

"They follow Thor," Fandral said. "We've each split up to search different parts of Niflheimr's planet."

"You will collect your Asgardians and you will leave, Fandral," Loki said, sternly. "If you fail to leave, you will be attacked!"

"Then I will be attacked!" Fandral said. "I won't leave without you, Prince Loki! You harmed many Midgardians in your naughty little war. You deserve to face justice!" 

"I care not!" Loki said.

He used his magic to open a pathway from Niflheimr to Asgard, then pushed Fandral through the portal. 

Loki wondered if he should inform Angrboða about Thor, but quickly decided against it. Better not to say a word.  

He would simply find Thor before Dame Gothel's guards found him and dispose of him the same way he'd disposed of Fandral. 

"Fandral has gone missing," Hogun said. 

"When did you last see him?" Volstagg said. 

"He was mingling with the soldiers in their camp," Hogun said. "He wanted to disguise himself as a soldier and listen to their gossip."

"They must have realized he wasn't one of Dame Gothel's soldiers," Volstagg said, sighing. "Do you think we'll find him chained up somewhere?"

"I hope not," Hogun said. "But it's likely." 

"I'll tell Thor," Volstagg said. "We need to stay away from the soldiers from now on."

"Fandral thought Loki would be likely to disguise himself as a soldier," Hogun said. "If we stay away from the soldiers, we'll never find Loki!" 

"Have patience," Volstagg said. "We must conduct ourselves with caution."

Hogun huffed. 

"Have patience," Volstagg repeated, sternly. 

"Where is Thor?" Hogun said. 

"He said he would scout the forest," Volstagg said. "He said he thought Loki would be most likely to build himself a tree house of some sort."

"Ah," Hogun said. "Our Loki does prefer to keep himself away from the riff raff."

"Indeed," Volstagg said, chuckling. "I suppose we should return to our camp and wait for Thor to return. If Minerva smiles upon us, Fandral will also turn up."

"Minerva is never smiling on us," Hogun said, sulkily. 

"Cheer up, Hogun," Volstagg said. "We'll find Loki eventually."

Hogun sighed. 

"I hope so," Hogun said. 

While carefully maintaining a shield over his thoughts, Loki told Angrboða he wanted to go into the forest to hunt game. 

"We have a large collection of meat already available to us," Angrboða said. "What is the real reason, snowflake?"

Loki sighed. 

"What troubles you?" Angrboða said. 

Loki frowned at his hands. "Nothing troubles me?"

"Look up at me, Loki," Angrboða said. "Don't hide your eyes from me."

Reluctantly, Loki made eye contact with her. 

He thought she would force her way into his mind with her magic, but she didn't do that. 

At least, it didn't feel as if she had done that, but Loki knew there would be no way for him to know one way or the other. 

"What troubles you?" Angrboða repeated. 

"Might I simply take a stroll?" Loki said, tilting his head. "Is that not permitted?"

"It is permitted," Angrboða said. "But I fear there is a cloud over your head."

"There isn't a cloud," Loki huffed. 

"There is," Angrboða said. "Is this about Dame Gothel's display at yesterday's feast?"

Loki blinked. "Display? What display?"

"Never you mind," Angrboða said. 

"What display, Angrboða?" Loki said, scowling. "There was a display? I thought the feast was simply... a feast? Was she not celebrating one of her victories?"

"Aye," Angrboða said, darkly. "She was celebrating."

"Is there something I should be made aware of?" Loki said, raising an eyebrow.

"Not yet, sapling," Angrboða said. 

"You are forever dismissing me as a sapling!" Loki shouted. "I'm not that young! I'm only so much smaller than you because Asgard's gravity stunted my growth!" 

"I'm aware of this," Angrboða said. "But you are still much younger than me."

"I will have the truth from you!" Loki said, angrily. "You will tell me the truth or... or... or I'll flee from Dame Gothel's army!" 

"You must not do that, Loki," Angrboða said, flatly. 

"Why mustn't I?" Loki said. "Thanos has forgotten about me. He won't chase me."

"He hasn't forgotten," Angrboða said. "He will never forgive your betrayal."

"I'll take my chances!" Loki cried. 

"Hush, now," Angrboða said, softly. "May I give you a hug?"

"No!" Loki shrieked. 

He teleported away from Angrboða's cabin and landed in the forest. Then he angrily paced around and wondered if he'd be better off allowing his father to imprison him in Asgard's dungeons. 

It won't be that bad, Loki thought. They wouldn't dare to kill me. I may not be Odin's blood son, but I was raised as a prince. They won't execute me for my crimes. They'll only lock me up. 

These were the thoughts Loki was thinking when Thor jumped out of a bush and shouted, "Aha!" 

He roughly tackled Loki and then used one of those Asgardian collars to dampen Loki's magic. 

With the collar on, Loki could not teleport. 

However, he was still fully capable of running. 

As soon as the collar was on, Loki decided he would rather stay with Angrboða. 

And so, he wriggled out from under Thor and ran back towards Angrboða's cabin. 

He knew she would be able to take the collar off. She would free his magic. She would protect him. 

Thor chased after Loki and shouted things like, "Come back, brother!" 

The shouting was all the same tripe about justice and Asgard and the good of the nine realms, so Loki ignored Thor and desperately ran to Angrboða's cabin. 

Thor followed him closely, but never managed to catch Loki. 

Then they were at the cabin and Angrboða was opening her door and embracing Loki like a mother bear with her cub. 

"Unhand my brother!" Thor shouted. 

Angrboða ushered Loki behind her. 

He felt like a toddling babe hiding behind a mother's skirts. It was humiliating, but for once Loki did not care about his pride. He allowed himself to hide behind the bigger Frost Giant like a little coward. 

"I will not allow you to imprison my Loki," Angrboða said. "You will return to Asgard, Thor Odinson. Else you will start a war with Dame Gothel."

"I won't leave without my brother!" Thor screamed. 

He began to ominously glow with Thunder Magic. 

Then Angrboða herself was glowing. Her entire body was encased in blue light and her hair levitated around her head. 

"Do not trifle with me, boy," Angrboða said. "Loki is my apprentice. I am his mistress. You will not take him from me."

"He is my brother!" Thor shrieked. "You cannot have him!" 

Thor wielded his hammer and directed a bolt of lightning towards Angrboða. Loki flinched. He feared the worst, but Angrboða's blue magic had formed a force field around her and her entire cabin. 

Thor's lightning merely bounced off and away. It struck a nearby tree, which toppled, but Angrboða herself was untouched. 

"Hah!" Loki shouted. "You cannot take me, Thor! I will not be imprisoned!" 

"That's right, my beautiful snowflake," Angrboða whispered. "You will never again fear imprisonment. Not as long as I am here to protect you."

Loki blushed. 

"Please, brother!" Thor cried. "Please return with me! You will receive a fair trial!" 

"I refuse!" Loki screamed. "I will not go quietly into Asgard's dungeons!"

Then Thor simply stood there in front of Angrboða's cabin with his hammer held up. He didn't bother to send more lightning at Angrboða, but he didn't put his hammer down. 

He only stood there and stared at Loki like a heartbroken man. The look on his face was the same baffled anger that Thor had directed at Loki in New York when Loki had brought the Chitauri army against the people of Midgard. 

Loki sighed. 

"Go away, Thor," Loki said. "You've lost. I won't go with you. You cannot take me by force. You must leave."

"I won't leave without you, Loki!" Thor yelled. "I will not leave!" 

"Yes, you will," Angrboða said. 

She snapped her fingers and Thor vanished with a flash of blue light. 

Loki blinked. "You didn't kill him. Right? You didn't kill him?"

"I didn't kill him," Angrboða said. "I merely sent him back to Asgard."

"Of course," Loki said. 

Then Loki cleared his throat. "I apologize for losing my temper, earlier. Please forgive me?" 

Angrboða turned around, tutted, and then knelt down so she could examine Loki's neck. 

"I will always forgive my Loki," Angrboða murmured. 

Loki glared at the ceiling while Angrboða ran her fingers over the collar that Thor had placed around his neck. 

"This will be difficult to remove," Angrboða said. "It will take me a few weeks to break against the magic. Will you have patience with me while I work to free your magic?"

"Yes," Loki said, breathlessly. "I'll be patient."

"Thank you," Angrboða said. "Will you please remain inside of my cabin while I work to free your magic?"

"Of course," Loki said. "That would only be sensible?"

"Aye," Angrboða said. "But I fear my little Loki is not a sensible man?"

Loki chuckled, blinked away unshed tears, and then said, "I apologize!" 

"I forgive you, darling," Angrboða said. "May I hug you?"

"Y-yes," Loki said. 

Loki cleared his throat. "Yes, you may."

Tenderly, Angrboða wrapped her arms around him and gently guided his head against the crook of her neck. 

Loki went easily and wrapped his own arms around her. 

He felt pathetically tiny, in her embrace. He was minuscule. He couldn't get his arms all the way around her. 

But Loki decided he was fine with this. 

Then Angrboða whispered, "If you were to marry me, you would be safe for the rest of your life. If you were to marry me, you would live like a king. Will you marry me, Loki? Would you take me as a wife?"

Loki bit his lip. 

He had never even considered the possibility. 

What Frost Giant would want a midget like him? On Jötunheimr, Loki was much shorter than the Frost Giants in his age group. He was even smaller than most of their adolescents. Among Frost Giants, he would make a pathetic husband. 

"Will you consider my hand, darling?" Angrboða murmured. "You may take your time with your answer, but will you consider me?"

"Yes," Loki whispered. "I'll consider you."

"Thank you," Angrboða said. "I love you, Loki. I hope you know that?"

Loki took a shaky breath, nodded against her neck, and said, "I also love you, Angrboða."

"I know you do, darling," Angrboða said. "I know this well. Please be at ease. You are safe. You are loved. You will not be captured again."

For the first time in eons, Loki allowed himself to bawl like a little boy. He couldn't help himself. His magic had been cut off by the Asgardian collar and Loki was shaking with the fear this had brought upon his head. 

Angrboða didn't scold him. She merely carried him into her bed and bundled him under her blankets. 

She softly sang him a lullaby and kissed him on his forehead. 

For the next few weeks, Loki didn't dare leave her cabin. Angrboða had shielded the cabin with her magic, but Loki knew he would be exposed if he stepped foot outside. 

Angrboða consulted her books in order to release him from the collar around his neck. She worked tirelessly and Loki did his best to wait patiently. 

As soon as the collar was off, he told her that he would marry her. 

Then they ran away from Dame Gothel's army. Angrboða said she didn't want to work as Dame Gothel's mage anymore. She said she would protect him from Thanos by herself and that they didn't need Dame Gothel. 

Loki didn't care about Dame Gothel. He'd only aimed to gain protection from Thanos. 

Because he had Angrboða as a wife, he didn't hesitate to abandon Dame Gothel's army. 

Centuries later, when Angrboða was dead, Loki would regret this decision. 

But it was simply one of many regrets that Loki's life had been littered with. He had too many regrets to count. He had more regrets than a mortal had seconds in their lifespan with which to breathe oxygen. 

In any case, Angrboða was Loki's first wife. Before she died, he had no regrets. While she lived, his life was better than it had ever been. 

The legends would later say that the union of Angrboða and Loki had given birth to monsters. Giant wolves, giant snakes, and a demon who would come to rule over the land of the dead. 

These exaggerations didn't bother Loki. He found them amusing. 

He especially found the tales about Hela Lokisdottir to be amusing. 

Hela herself did not find them amusing, however. 

She found them insulting. 

It was just as well. Hela Odinsdottir was a woman who deserved to be insulted. 

So Loki was satisfied. 

After they abandoned Dame Gothel's army, Loki and Angrboða took up residence in Muspelheim with the Eldjotnar. 

Once they had safely left Dame Gothel's planet, Angrboða confessed her reason for leaving the Dame despite being a passionate believer in the moral crusade against the imperialist kings who were damaging planets with their reckless fossil fuels and technology. 

"She wanted to use you as a harlot," Angrboða said, angrily. "When she learned the Fire Princess was infatuated with the Tales of Loki, Dame Gothel arranged to sell you to Muspelheim as a common concubine!" 

"Hmm," Loki said. "That's insulting. Clearly, I'm worth being an elevated consort, at the very least?"

"Loki!" Angrboða said. "There's no difference between an elevated consort and a common concubine!"

"I disagree, Angrboða," Loki said. "A consort is politically valuable. He would have freedoms and he-"

"I won't allow you to be sold as a harlot!" Angrboða shouted. 

"You already prevented it!" Loki said. 

"Yes!" Angrboða said. "But I'm still quite angry to know that I needed to prevent it in the first place!"

"Hmm," Loki said. "Should we scheme against Dame Gothel's army? Perhaps spread a few rumors about her?"

"No," Angrboða said, groaning. "I still hope that her army will succeed with their self righteous mission to save dying planets!"

"Because you are a kind woman," Loki said, nodding. "I hope you realize you're much kinder than I am? I don't give a toss about the dying planets."

"I'm well aware," Angrboða said, huffing. "But my little Loki is still as lovely as a Moonflower. Please stay with me, Loki? Please marry me and allow me to protect you from fiends like Dame Gothel?"

"Very well," Loki said, grinning. "I'll marry you. Officially. Shall we open our palms and intertwine our blood?"

"No, no," Angrboða said. "I don't worship the Greek Pantheon."

"I'll convert to whichever pantheon you prefer, of course," Loki said. "Do you favor the Romans?"

"No!" Angrboða said. "I'm an atheist!"

This was a word Loki had never heard before. 

"An atheist?" Loki echoed. 

"Never you mind," Angrboða said, softly stroking his cheek with a delicate hand. "The Queen of Muspelheim is granting us sanctuary. She was insulted when Dame Gothel offered to sell you into slavery. She is the Jötunn who made me aware of Dame Gothel's nefarious plan."

"I see?" Loki said.  

"Let us honor the Fire Princess," Angrboða said. "We owe her our gratitude. Let us have a traditional Eldjotnar wedding."

"Which pantheon do the Eldjotnar worship?" Loki said. 

"They don't worship a pantheon, Loki," Angrboða said. "Technically speaking, they are meant to worship the Norse Pantheon, but they only agreed to that for political convenience. They politely pretend to worship Odin Allfather, but they have no loyalty to his religious dogma."

"Oh?" Loki said. "I had no idea my father was being politely tolerated, but I'm pleased to hear it. He is a poor god indeed. Honestly, Angrboða, the silly man claims he lost his eye in a magical exchange for wisdom while speaking with The Tree of Knowledge, but I know full well the silly man stabbed his own eye to win his favored consort, Bestla of Jötunheimr."

"Indeed," Angrboða said. "Bor Wednesday One Eye Ragnarök is a man who stabbed his own eye in order to win his favorite concubine, Bestla of Jötunheimr."  

"When I learned the history, I was very cross!" Loki said. "That stupid man is not wise! He's an imbecilic Viking!"

"He isn't wise," Angrboða said, nodding. "He's a poor god indeed."

"Therefore," Loki said, hesitantly. "I refuse to worship the Norse Pantheon?"

"Very good," Angrboða said. "The Fire Princess feels exactly the same, Loki. She only agreed to pretend to worship the Norse Pantheon when Asgard agreed to protect Muspelheim from Greek, Egyptian, and Roman invaders."

"I know," Loki said, sighing. "I'm well versed in the history of the nine realms."

"I know," Angrboða echoed, giggling. "But I thought I should emphasize this fact: the religious farce isn't even being play acted anymore. Asgardian warriors haven't visited Muspelheim in centuries, so the Eldjotnar have dropped all pretenses."

"Thank you for informing me?" Loki said. "How do the people of Muspelheim perform their traditional weddings, then? Please make me your husband, Angrboða. Allow me to dutifully serve you."

"It is I that will serve you, Loki," Angrboða said, solemnly. 

"Bah," Loki said. "We will both serve each other?"

"Yes," Angrboða said, fondly ruffling his hair. "We will."

A few years after Loki and Angrboða married each other, Thor appeared on Muspelheim. For some reason, he was picking a fight with one of the Eldjotnar war lords. 

When Loki learned of it, he was tempted to leave Thor to his fate. 

However, he worried Thor would die a foolish death while battling a Jötunn that was significantly bigger than any Jötunn warrior Thor had ever before attempted to defeat. 

He asked Angrboða for permission to preserve Thor's life, which she graciously granted. 

"Loki!" Thor shouted, when he spotted Loki sneaking up behind the Eldjotnar war lord. "You yet live, brother?!"

Loki winced. 

The massive Fire Jötunn spun around, frowned down at Loki, and simply said, "You belong to Sorceress Angrboða, Prince Bartimaeus."

"Erm, yes?" Loki said, nervously straightening up into a respectful pose with his arms crossed in front of his chest and his chin raised. 

"Loki!" Thor screamed, angrily. "You've been hiding on Muspelheim all these long years?"

"Silence, you boorish oaf!" Loki yelled. "You'll get yourself killed if you do not quiet down!"

"Indeed," the Fire Jötunn said. 

The man was gigantic, but he was also as nimble as a cat. His hand darted downwards and he managed to quickly grab Thor by the ankle and then hoist him up into the air. 

Thor dangled upside down and dropped his hammer.

"I'll make a bargain with you on Sorceress Angrboða's behalf!" Loki said, quickly. "Please spare the Aesir and I'll make a bargain with you, sire!"

The Fire Jötunn laughed while Thor wriggled around and attempted to punch him. 

"Sorceress Angrboða has nothing that I want," the Fire Jötunn said. "Run along, little prince."

"Halt!" Loki said. "I will... um... I'll be your pageboy for three centuries!"

"Brother!" Thor shouted. "You cannot do that!"

"Silence, Thor!" Loki shrieked. 

"Hmm," the Fire Jötunn said, while lifting his arm to hold Thor all the higher. "I don't need a pageboy. I have hundreds of pageboys that are more beautiful than you, Prince Bartimaeus."

"Hades!" Loki said. "What can I offer you, milord? Is there nothing I can give you in exchange for this Aesir?"

"Why do you want this Aesir, Prince Bartimaeus?" the Fire Jötunn said, while looking genuinely puzzled. 

Would Thor be safer if I told this man he held the heir to Asgard's throne? Loki thought. Probably not. This Jötunn would probably kill him all the faster if he knew which Aesir he had captured. 

"You hesitate," the Fire Jötunn said, thoughtfully. "Why do you hesitate, Prince Bartimaeus?" 

"Hmm," Loki said. "I have no idea what you would like to hear from me, sire."

"I'll have the truth from you, boy," the Fire Jötunn said. "Why should this Aesir live?" 

"He is a useful man?" Loki said. "He may be small, but his magic is fierce. It may be nothing but a flash of light on Muspelheim, but on Midgard this Aesir can wield the Thunder Magic that would see thousands of mortals kneel at his feet."

"Is that so?" the Fire Jötunn said. "But there are hundreds of Aesir with Thunder Magic. Today, I feel generous. After I kill this Aesir, I will find you a new one. I will find you a replacement Aesir who also wields Thunder Magic."

"Blast!" Loki said. "Are you a man or a Sphinx?"

"Please run away, Loki!" Thor screamed. "You must flee with your life, brother!"

The Fire Jötunn squinted at Thor. 

"Why does this Aesir grant you such a title?" the Fire Jötunn said. "He would claim you as a shield brother?"  

"Aye!" Thor said, angrily. "This prince is my shield brother! If you harm a single hair upon his head, you will rue the day!"

Thor was still pitifully dangling upside down, but he kept attempting to pull himself up by lunging for the Fire Jötunn's wrist as if it were one of those monkey bars at a children's jungle gym. He failed each time, but stubbornly continued to attempt it. 

"You aren't helping yourself, Thor!" Loki shouted. 

"I disagree," the Fire Jötunn said, lowering Thor closer to the ground. "I am curious about this strange friendship between a royal Aesir and a Jötunn consort."

"Jötunn consort?" Thor said, gasping.  

Loki winced. 

"You evil Fire Giants have turned my brother into a common concubine?!" Thor shrieked, fully red in the face with irrational rage. "I will slay you all! I will have vengeance on my brother's behalf!"

"No!" Loki said. "I don't need you to slay anyone, Thor!"

"I will not abandon you to your cruel fate!" Thor shouted. "We may have had our disagreement on Midgard, but I won't see my brother enslaved as a concubine!" 

"I'm not a concubine!" Loki screamed. "It's a mistranslation! This man called me a consort, but the title on Muspelheim does not mean the same thing that it would mean on Asgard!"

"Don't lie, brother!" Thor yelled. 

"Hold on a moment," the Fire Jötunn said. "What would the Asgardians call you, Prince Bartimaeus?"

"They would simply call me Sorceress Angrboða's husband," Loki said. "Please, sire, won't you forgive this stupid Aesir for encroaching on your land? I promise to use my magic to permanently banish him from Muspelheim."

"Don't lie, Loki!" Thor said. "You lie every day and night!"

"Hmm," the Fire Jötunn said. "It is true that Prince Bartimaeus is known across the nine realms as the Demon of Deceit."

"Blast," Loki said. "Is this Aesir truly doomed to die, sire? There is nothing I can say that would convince you to spare him?"

"I have already been convinced, little one," the Fire Jötunn said, chuckling in amusement. 

"Beg Pardon?" Loki said, blinking in confusion.

"I am moved by your ardor," the Fire Jötunn said. "Your love for this little Aesir is pure. Therefore, I will not murder him."

Abruptly, the Fire Jötunn let go of Thor's ankle and allowed him to fall. 

Loki acted quickly and caught Thor with an invisible net before the man could crack his skull open upon the coals beneath him. 

"Thank you!" Loki said, respectfully bowing to the war lord. "I owe you a debt, sire!"

"Aye," the Fire Jötunn said. "Give Sorceress Angrboða my regards, silly Moonflower. Tell her that her consort amuses me."

"Alright?" Loki said. "I'm glad to know that I amuse you?"

For his part, Thor was floating in midair while dazedly blinking at the Fire Jötunn. It was obvious that the man was confused. 

"Has our battle ended?" Thor said. 

"Yes, Odinson," the Fire Jötunn said. "Our battle has ended. Take your brother with you to Asgard for a holiday, hmm? Then bring him back to his wife." 

"Yes, sire!" Loki said. "We will do as you say after I speak with my wife?"

"Yes you will," the Fire Jötunn said, nodding sternly.

Then the big man disappeared with a dramatic flash of flames and smoke. 

At this point, Loki felt confident enough to slowly lower Thor to the ground. As soon as he was on his feet, Thor threw his arms around Loki and said, "I truly thought you were dead, brother!"

"I know," Loki said. "I faked my death because I wanted you to think that."

"Why would you do such a thing!" Thor said, hotly. "I grieved for you, Loki! I sorrowfully mourned your loss!"

"I'm flattered?" Loki said.  

"Don't mock my grief!" Thor shouted. 

"Again and again you give me reasons to mock you," Loki said, rolling his eyes. "Why shouldn't I mock you? Give me one good reason."

"Because you have committed crimes against the crown of Asgard!" Thor said. "Again and again, you have sinned against the people of Asgard, Midgard, and Vanaheim to boot! Lady Sif said she would slay you herself and then she was so incensed by the fact that you had died before she could slay you she made a point of crafting an effigy in your image just so she could spend ages stabbing it with her largest sword!" 

"Hmm," Loki said. "Good to know. I will avoid her like the plague."

"Loki!" Thor said. "You must return to Asgard and stand trial!"

"Oh very well," Loki said, sighing balefully. "But let me speak to my wife first?" 

"No!" Thor said. "You'll escape while allegedly speaking with your nefarious wife!"

"I won't escape," Loki said. 

"I don't believe you!" Thor said. 

Loki sighed. 

"Well," Loki said. "I suppose it was worth a try?"

"What was?" Thor said. 

"Attempting to be coy," Loki said. 

"Pardon?" Thor said. 

Loki smirked. 

Then he pulled away from Thor's hug and teleported back to his own home. Loki decided he no longer cared to interfere with any of Thor's foolish battles against war lords.

A few weeks later, Loki was captured by Fandral the Dashing and Volstagg the Enormous. They hauled him off to Asgard to stand trial for his crimes against Midgard. 

Odin Allfather decreed that Loki's punishment would be reincarnation. 

"You will return to your childhood, Loki Laufeyson," Odin said, sternly glaring down at him from upon his pulpit. "This time, we will raise you right."

"The hell does that mean?" Loki said. 

"You will see," Odin said, grimly. 

His coven of witches stood in a circle around Loki. They began to chant unfamiliar spellwork. 

Loki knew enough to know that the witches were using light magic, but that was all he knew. 

Then there was a bright flash of blue light and Loki knew nothing else.  

Chapter Text

When Loki opened his eyes, a random blonde man was anxiously hovering over him. 

Loki was laying down on the cold hard floor with his head propped up on the man's lap. He cautiously sat up and observed his surroundings, noting that the hallway they were in was really fancy. Looked like a five star hotel or something. The walls were glitzy, heavily decorated with a lot of posh paintings and elaborate sconces. Even the floor under him looked artistically sculpted. The linoleum was pearly white and practically glittering. 

Looks British, Loki thought. Was I schmoozing with billionaire aristocrats? This place reeks of generational wealth.   

You weren't schmoozing, Dolores said. 

Then what was I doing? Loki thought. 

You were mind wiped, Dolores said. 

I know that! Loki thought. Why were my memories taken, huh? How many years did we lose?

Wish I knew, Dolores said. 

"Brother?" the blonde man said, with palpable nerves. "Are you well?"

Loki directed his gaze towards the nearest painting and didn't answer. The two of them were awkwardly sitting next to each other on the floor. The blonde made no attempt to stand, so Loki kept still. 

Don't ignore him, Dolores said. 

You know his name? Loki thought. 

Thor Odinson, Dolores said. 

He's matching my alias? Loki thought. Was he assigned as my partner for this mission?

Yes, Dolores said. All the people here are using Norse themed aliases. 

Got it, Loki thought. 

He finally stood up and said, "Get off the floor, Agent Thor."

The blonde man was huge. When he stood, he towered over Loki like some kind of professional wrestler. 

I hate meatheads, Loki thought. Why the fuck did they stick me with a body builder? 

Body builders are useful, Dolores said. 

I can't stand them! Loki thought. 

"Brother?" Thor said. 

"What?" Loki said. 

"Are you well?" Thor said. 

"Sure," Loki said. "What's our status?"

"Status?" Thor said. 

Translation error, Dolores said. Rephrase. 

"What were we doing?" Loki said. 

"You were running," Thor said. "I fear you... you briefly lost your mind?"

"My, oh my," Loki said, smirking up at him. "You sure are polite, Agent Thor."

"What has happened to you, Loki?" Thor said. 

"Isn't it obvious?" Loki said. "My files were tanked."

"Tanked?" Thor said. "Files? You speak like a Midgardian."

Lost in translation again, Dolores said. You need to stick to British colloquialisms and old fashioned phrasing. 

"You a vampire?" Loki said. "How old are you?" 

"Is this an elaborate prank, brother?" Thor said. "I'm not amused, if that's the case."

The hell is wrong with this weirdo? Loki thought. 

Be patient, Dolores said. He's been under deep cover for decades. I suspect he's also been mind wiped a few times, so he might be an agent who lost sight of the mission directive. 

"Dammit," Loki said. "I need a new partner."

I concur, Dolores said. 

"Please don't teleport, Loki," Thor said, frowning mulishly. "I'll lose my wits if you teleport?"

"Yeah, yeah," Loki said. "I'm out of juice anyway. Couldn't teleport if I wanted to."

I'm surprised you didn't try, Dolores said. Might be able to manage one of those tiny spatial jumps? 

Waste of power, Loki thought. I'll wait until I've got enough juice to leave the planet.

Don't leave the planet, Dolores said. Why would you leave the planet?

Why wouldn't I? Loki thought. These idiots let me get mind wiped! Clearly, this whole mission's a wash. Might as well cut our loses.

I don't disagree, Dolores said. But I want to gather more intel before we abort.

We've got time to kill while we recharge, Loki thought. I'll learn what I can, but as soon as I have enough power I'm leaving this hellhole. 

"Loki?" Thor said. "Are you calm, at least?"

"Sure," Loki said, absently. 

Where will you go, then? Dolores said. 

Terra, Loki thought. Obviously? 

Why? Dolores said. 

I need to check on my morons, Loki thought. Make sure they're still alive.

They're fine, Dolores said. They're adults. They can look after themselves.

"You don't know how many years we lost!" Loki snapped. 

"I apologize, brother!" Thor said. "You were punished for your crime, but know that I didn't agree with the punishment! I wish I could have stopped it!"

"What?" Loki said. "You talking about the mind wipe?"

"Mind wipe?" Thor said. "You're referring to your reincarnation?"

"Jesus fucking Christ," Loki said, huffing. "I can't stand you, Agent Thor. I'm leaving."

"Halt!" Thor said. "You cannot leave!"

"Why can't I?" Loki said. 

"Please allow me to escort you to the healer's hall!" Thor said. "I fear the Witches Coven made a mistake with their magic?"

"Fuck that," Loki said. 

"Please, brother," Thor said. "I fear those witches damaged your mind?"

"They sure did," Loki said. "And you didn't do diddly squat to stop them, so I'm firing the hell out of you."

"You'll set me on fire?" Thor said. 

"It's like talking to a brick wall, Dolores!" Loki said. "I'm going to teleport after all because I can't stand this dumbass!"

Go ahead, Dolores said. I've also lost patience with him.

So Loki teleported. He only had enough power for a small spatial jump, but it got him out of the hotel.

Instinctively, his wormhole led them outdoors. 

The lawn he landed on was like something out of a Hollywood movie. All the bushes were sculptures, like the crazy tall structures Edward Scissorhands would make in the old Tim Burton film, and there were a shit ton of flowers growing on the bushes to give the whole place color. Greens, blues, pinks, yellows, reds, oranges. There were so many fucking flowers on the fucking bushes you could barely see the bushes themselves, but the sculptures were obviously bushes. 

"I hate rich people," Loki said. "How much money do they waste maintaining these stupid bushes, huh? This is ridiculous!" 

Now's not the time to worry about money, Dolores said. 

"Fuck you," Loki said. "There's always time to worry about money."

You trapped yourself in a hedge maze, you silly boy, Dolores said. Do you have enough power to get back out or do we need to painstakingly walk through it?

"Whatever," Loki said. "At least we can finally talk in peace without being interrupted by moronic body builders!" 

You need to find a new partner, Dolores said. 

"A new victim, more like," Loki said. "Think we can talk one of the aristocrats into letting us into their hotel room?"

Obviously, Dolores said. Do you want me to take over? If you're willing to cross-dress-

"Not today," Loki said. "Let's find a rich lady." 

You used to love cross dressing, Dolores said, playfully. 

"Not today!" Loki said. 

Fine, Dolores said, huffing in disappointment. 

"This is no time for games," Loki said. "You can have fun later. First, we need to get back to Terra. Seriously."

Your morons are fine! Dolores said. 

"I won't believe that until I can confirm it with my own fucking eyeballs!" Loki said. "Beau could have ODed during one of his benders. If I was gone for too long-"

"Isn't he sober now?" Dolores said. "He said he was going cold turkey." 

He always says that! Loki said. But he relapses every other decade!

"Hold on," Dolores said. "Did you mean to switch?"

Crap, Loki said. No, I didn't mean to. Did you want to switch?

"No," Dolores said. "I think that mind wipe destabilized us."

Duh! Loki said. Switch back! Right now!

Yeah, yeah, Dolores said. My bad. 

"Get it together, man!" Loki said. "We've gotta get back to Terra! As soon as possible!"

You're the one who needs to calm down, Dolores said. I think you're panicking for no good reason. 

"The hell I am," Loki said. 

Before they could say anything else, a crazy woman with a sword abruptly slashed through one of the giant bush sculptures and shouted, "Halt, Prince Loki! You must not flee to Terra!"

"You motherfucking eavesdropper!" Loki yelled. "Get the hell away from me!"

"I won't allow you to move to Terra without me!" the woman shrieked. "If you must flee, take me with you on your travels! I swear fealty to the crown of Asgard! I'll protect you as a loyal knight!"

She was about the same height as him. Slim build. Jet black hair. Her sword was huge, though, and Loki suspected she was a mutant with super strength. 

She looks like Jessica Jones, Dolores said. Definitely has super strength. 

Sexy, Loki thought. And useful. 

Get to work, Agent Loki, Dolores said. Seduce the hell out of her. 

"Why do you want to be a loyal knight, hmm?" Loki said, while seductively smirking. "You gonna explain yourself, little missy?"

"I love you ardently!" the woman said. "My name is Lady Sif and I am the woman who will win your hand in marriage!"

"Yeah fucking right," Loki said. "What do you really want?"

"I mean what I say and say what I mean!" Lady Sif said. "Unlike the cozen Prince Loki, I am an honest person! I am your opposite in every way, Prince Loki!"

"Oh yeah?" Loki said. "If I'm so cozen, why the hell would you want me?"

"Because you are as beautiful as Snow White!" Lady Sif said, while angrily pointing her sword at him. "I will have you, else I will have no one!"

"Hot damn," Loki said. "You crazy Space Vikings are really living in ye olden times, huh?"

"Aye!" Lady Sif said. "Therefore, you will allow me to accompany you to Terra, Prince Loki!"

"Or what?" Loki said, raising an eyebrow. "You'll stab me with your sword?"

"I won't stab you," Lady Sif said. "However, if you attempt to flee without me... you'll never escape from Asgard?"

Sold, Dolores said. She's a keeper. 

Time to negotiate, Loki thought. You want to take over? 

Nah, Dolores said. I'll be a voyeur today. 

Good girl, Loki thought, grinning widely. Daddy is gonna win you a fancy hotel room tonight. 

Goodie, Dolores said, giggling.  

"Please answer me honestly," Lady Sif said, squinting at him suspiciously. "Are you speaking with your god?"

"Sure am," Loki said. "Wanna know what my god said?" 

"Aye!" Lady Sif said. "What did your god say?"

"She said you're a beautiful woman," Loki said. "But she doesn't want me to be a concubine, you know? My god thinks I'm better than that."

"Aye!" Lady Sif said. "I know full well that Prince Loki is a prince of Asgard. I'm but a humble noblewoman. I will respect you as royalty, Prince Loki, so please share my hearth with me?"

Sweet! Loki thought. She wants to roleplay! 

Hold your horses, Dolores said. This woman isn't roleplaying. She's in a cult. 

Same difference, Loki thought. 

It's not the same difference and you know it, Dolores said. 

My lines will be the same, Loki thought. So it doesn't fucking matter. 

"Please accept me as your knight, Prince Loki," Lady Sif said, softly. 

She finally lowered her sword and sheathed it in one of those jewel encrusted scabbards. It was obvious that she was a rich lady with gold for days. 

"Um, just so we're clear," Loki said. "You're going to help me steal a spaceship? I won't share your hearth with you unless you're willing to steal a spaceship."

"There is no need to steal, Prince Loki," Lady Sif said. "I've spoken with my father. He has granted me one of his vessels and he has also granted me a crew that we can trust to fly us to Terra."

"Holy shit!" Loki said. "Can we leave right now?" 

"Aye!" Lady Sif said. "Will you come away with me?"

Before Loki could say yes, a man that he recognized as Alphonso Hargreeves jumped out from behind a bush like a man who had been shamelessly spying on them for who knew how long. 

"Halt!" Alphonso shouted. "You must not leave without me, Lady Sif! I'll lose my head if you leave without me!"

"Fuck," Loki said. "We've gotta take this dude with us, yeah? Um, I recognize him as one of my mates, so we've gotta bring him with us."

"Aye!" Lady Sif said, grandly opening her arms and grinning at Alphonso. "If my shield brother will embrace me, I'll welcome him upon my ship!"

Alphonso didn't hesitate to give Lady Sif a firm bear hug. They laughed and then when they were done with the hug they made a show out of clapping each other on the shoulders like two aristocratic assholes that had known each other since they were in diapers. 

"We must make haste, Fandral," Lady Sif said. "I fear Thor will try to stop us if he learns of our plans."

"Aye!" Alphonso said. "We must make haste!" 

I can't stand Alphonso, Dolores said. 

He's alright, Loki thought. He can be a little brain dead sometimes, but he's a loyal guy. That's what matters. 

Whatever, Dolores said. I'll tolerate him. 

"Let's get this show on the road, mates," Loki said, clapping his hands together. "I'm ready to blow this popsicle stand." 

Alphonso dramatically fanned himself and said, "That was so nostalgic, Prince Loki! I haven't heard you use so much Midgardian slang in eons!"

"Yeah?" Loki said. "Cool. Let's reminisce later, alright?"

"Aye aye!" Fandral said. "Let us blow this popsicle stand!"

"Aye!" Lady Sif said. "I'll be a good knight this time, Prince Loki! I won't be a thorn in your side! This I solemnly swear!" 

"Fantastic," Loki said. "You gonna lead me to your ship? I'm rapidly running out of patience, Lady Sif."

"I shan't allow you to run out of patience, my prince," Lady Sif said, laughing cheerfully. "Follow me, lads, and allow me to lead you towards our Terran holiday!"

"I love Midgardian holidays!" Alphonso said. "Do you think we should invite Hogun? He might be cross if we leave without him."

"No time!" Loki said. "You can send him a missive or whatever and he can get on his own damn ship tomorrow!"

"Aye!" Alphonso said. "But might we leave Lady Sif's crew behind and simply ask Heimdall to activate the Bifrost?" 

"Bifrost?" Loki said. "You mean the giant alien beam?" 

"Aye," Lady Sif said. "Would you prefer to travel by Bifrost, my prince? Or would you enjoy sailing upon a spaceship?"

"I'm in a hurry today," Loki said. "If you really think The Watcher will let us use his laser beam... uh... damn, but is that legal? Do I have jurisdiction?"

"Jurisdiction?" Lady Sif said, blinking bemusedly. 

Translation error, Dolores said. Rephrase.

"How do I get The Watcher to let us pass through his rainbow bridge?" Loki said. "Am I allowed to use the Bifrost?"

"You are a prince of the realm, Prince Loki," Alphonso said, tilting his head. "You need only instruct Heimdall to let us by."

"Yeah?" Loki said. "I thought you guys were just calling me a prince cause you wanted to sleep with me?"

"Nay," Lady Sif said. "You were adopted by Odin Allfather. Though you may have been born on Jötunheimr's ice planet, you are still a prince of Asgard."

The hell is she talking about? Loki thought. I was born on Terra!

Just go with it! Dolores said, impatiently. Play along with her delusions!

"Um... alright?" Loki said. "I didn't know Odin adopted me."

"Fear not," Alphonso said, slapping himself on the chest. "I'm a loyal knight. I will remind you of the things you have forgotten, my lovely little Moonflower!"

"Great," Loki said, dryly. 

This man is behaving erratically, Dolores said. Did you notice?

I noticed, Loki thought. Should I check in with him?

Yes, Dolores said. 

"You feeling alright, buddy?" Loki said, gently putting a hand on Alphonso's shoulder. 

"Aye?" Alphonso said. 

"What's your birth name?" Loki said. 

"Fandral," Alphonso said. "Why do you ask?"

God fucking dammit! Dolores said. 

Don't panic! Loki thought. We can help him!

I don't want to help him! Dolores said. 

Maybe he's just really dedicated to the bit? Loki thought. Or maybe we're in a Truman Show and he-

Nope! Dolores said. I know Alphie well enough to know that he's too fucking stupid to be this good of an actor!

"Calm down!" Loki said. 

"I think you've upset Loki's god, Fandral," Lady Sif said, thoughtfully. 

"Oh?" Alphonso said. "What did I say that was upsetting?"

"Don't be an alarmist!" Loki said. 

"Aye?" Alphonso said. "I'm not alarmed, Prince Loki."

"Fuck!" Loki said. "I fucking hate aliens!"

Me too! Dolores said. I hate their stupid mind wipe machines!

"I'm going to get to the bottom of this," Loki said, firmly squeezing Alphonso's shoulder. "Don't you worry, buddy. I'm going to... uh... goddammit."

"My dear young Prince Loki," Alphonso said, with the gentle air of a man who was looking at a shivering kitten. "Are you terribly frightened?"

"No!" Loki said. "Fuck you!"

"Worry not, Prince Loki!" Lady Sif said. "We will keep you safe!"

"Aye!" Fandral said. "We will keep you safe!"

"Whatever!" Loki said. "I can't... uh... crap."

"You've caught a bad case of constipation?" Lady Sif said. "Should we seek the healer's hall? The healers have potions for that."

"Hah!" Loki said. "You're hilarious!"

Just like that, he was laughing hysterically. 

Get it together, man! Dolores said. 

You've gotta take over, Dolores! Loki thought. 

I refuse! Dolores said. 

Fuck you! Loki thought. 

He just stood there laughing. 

Alphonso looked concerned. Tentatively, he gave Loki a hug. 

Loki didn't protest. He didn't hug the man back, but he didn't complain and he didn't teleport. He just laughed and laughed like a fucking wacko while Alphonso gently hugged him. 

Take a nap, Dolores said. 

Then Loki blacked out. 

Chapter Text

Leo woke up on a couch this time. It was a fancy couch, which meant it was stiff and uncomfortable. The sort of couch that was designed to look like abstract art instead of an actual functioning piece of furniture. 

My back is killing me! Dolores said. Goddammit! I loathe rich people!

"Ditto," Leo said, groaning. 

He sat up and warily glanced around, but he'd been left to his own devices. No one was around to harass him this time. The room he was in looked like a posh tea room. Meant for guests who were invited into a good ol' fashioned Victorian McMansion. The lucky guest would get to chat with a rich heiress about whatever the hell heiresses liked to chat about during their tea parties. 

Time to escape! Dolores said. Chop chop! 

"Hold your horses," Leo said. "I wanna-"

No sir! Dolores said. We're getting out of here!

"Why are you panicking?" Leo said. 

Don't be an alarmist! Dolores said. 

"Bugger off," Leo said. 

Fine! Dolores said. I'm the woman who's made herself into an alarmist!

"I fucking know," Leo said. "Would you stop screaming? You're giving me a headache."

Apologies, Dolores said. Would you please stand up, sir? I tried to take control, but I was thwarted. 

"Thwarted?" Leo said. 

I think the people who tampered with your mind wanted to lock me out, Dolores said. I think they hate you when you get too queer.

"Figures," Leo said. "No worries, doll. I'll help ya out."

"Thank you!" Dolores said.

Then she gasped. "Aha! I was making a mountain out of a molehill!"

Yeah you were, Leo said. Chill out, alright? I'm just gonna coast this time, so relax and do whatever the fuck you want.

"Good boy," Dolores said. "Let your wife take care of you."

Yeah yeah, Leo said. You still wanna make like a leaf?

"Yes I fucking do," Dolores said. "This place is full of cultists!"

What kind of cult are we dealing with? Leo said. 

"They're definitely pagans," Dolores said. "They're sticking to a Norse mythology theme, so we've got a bunch of super soldiers with god complexes."

"Right," Leo said. "That pro hero was calling himself Thor."

"Yes," Dolores said. "And there's also a woman who... wait. Um, Leo?"

"Yeah?" Leo said. 

"Why are you speaking out loud?" Dolores said. 

"Oh shit," Leo said. "I didn't mean to? I wanted to give you the driver's seat."

"Goddammit!" Dolores said. "What the fuck did they do to us!"

"Stay calm!" Leo said. 

"I am calm!" Dolores said. 

"The hell you are," Leo said. 

He stood up and started pacing. 

"Can you stop me from moving?" Leo said. "Try to kick me out of the driver's seat."

I can't! Dolores said. I lost control!

"Should I sit back down?" Leo said. 

We don't have time for this! Dolores said. Try to teleport to Terra! Right this instant!

"Fuck no," Leo said. "I'm not going to risk splinching myself." 

Fuck me sideways, Dolores said. I forgot who I was talking to. 

"What do you mean?" Leo said. 

Nevermind! Dolores said. We have to assume they've got eyes on us!

"Duh," Leo said. "I bet this entire room is covered in cameras and microphones."

Obviously, Dolores said. Therefore... we need to try to act like a normal young man?

"That ship sailed, Dolores!" Leo said. "No one is gonna believe we're a normal young man!" 

Fuck it! Dolores said. What's our angle? Are we going to pretend that you're a prophet and the voice in your head is a goddess?

"Sure," Leo said. "You said these cultists are pagans, right? They'll swallow that."

I think they've already heard you use that story, Dolores said. I met a woman who asked you to tell her what your god was saying. 

"Perfect," Leo said. "Okay, so... hmm... you think they're watching me to see what I'll do?"

Yes, Dolores said. Teleport. Right now. If you aren't willing to risk world hopping, will you at least risk a lil baby spatial jump?

"You're so goddamn condescending," Leo said. "It's not my fault I'm a novice teleporter!"

Blink out of this room! Dolores demanded. Run, boy, run!

"Fine!" Leo said. "But if I land halfway through a random wall and lose an arm, I'm blaming you!"

Go ahead and blame me! Dolores said. I'm the devil on your shoulder!

"Yes you fucking are," Leo growled. 

At that moment, the door to the tea room slammed open and a woman ran in. 

"Please don't injure yourself!" the woman shouted. "Please!" 

"Alright?" Leo said. "Please stop spying on me with your creepy nanny cam?"

"Nay!" the woman said. 

She dramatically thumped herself on the chest and added, "I will watch you because I cannot trust you to look after your own welfare."

"That so?" Leo said. 

"Aye!" the woman said. "Will you please calm yourself? You've been running around like a headless chicken all day, my prince! All day!"

"I can't really argue with that," Leo said, groaning. 

She's a cult worshipper, Dolores said. But she's a useful cult worshipper. She mistook you for a god. 

Sweet, Leo thought. I'll take advantage. 

Yessir, Dolores said. You need to seduce her. 

Yes ma'am, Leo thought. 

However, before he could attempt an awkward seduction, another cult worshipper ran into the tea room. 

"Please don't throw yourself off the rainbow bridge, Prince Loki!" the man said, tearfully. "Please! I'll jump after you if you do, so please don't kill yourself!"

The hell is this guy talking about? Leo thought, suspiciously squinting at the weirdo cult worshipper. 

"I have no Earthly idea!" Dolores shrieked. 

Then she teleported. 

When Leo regained control, he found himself standing in the most badass library he'd ever seen in his fucking life. 

"You've been holding out on me, Dolores!" Leo said, whistling as he craned his neck back so he could gawk up at the ridiculously tall bookshelves. "Why the hell did you block my view?"

I didn't do it on purpose! Dolores said. You disappeared! 

"Yeah right," Leo said. 

I'm not lying! Dolores said. I thought you were dead!

"Shut up," Leo said. "I'm not falling for crap like that, so don't even try."

Fuck you! Dolores said. 

"Fuck you too, dear," Leo said. "Bugger off now, ya hear?"

Whatever! Dolores said. Have fun without me!

"I totally will," Leo said, grinning like a cat that had just caught himself a goddamn refrigerator full of cream. "I'm gonna read every fucking book in this library and I won't even give a damn if you disappear. Go ahead and run away, bitch!" 

Fine! Dolores said. I'll come back when you're in a better mood!

"Sure," Leo said, dismissively. 

He picked a book at random, turned to the first page, and was pleasantly surprised to find that it was written in English. 

I usually need to waste weeks translating the new language, Leo thought. This is so fucking awesome!

He grabbed as many books as he could carry and hauled them to one of those fancy little reading nooks. It was like those desks that were set up all over college libraries, but it was huge and oak and there were four chairs and large oak classroom dividers separating all of the nooks from each other in order to grant the illusion of privacy. Like looking at a row of office cubicles, but they were made out of wood.

It was probably meant for kids who wanted to have study groups or whatever, but Leo made a point of pushing the other three chairs away from the badass desk he'd picked out for himself. He didn't want anyone who walked by to think they could sit next to him. 

Heaven forbid you encourage other scholars to share their research with you, Dolores said, bitterly. 

"Thought you were gonna skedaddle?" Leo said. 

"We don't have time for your nonsense, boy!" Dolores said. "We've got to get off this planet!"

"But I want to read the books!" Leo said. "Look at these badass books!"

"Just steal them!" Dolores said. 

"They're too fucking heavy!" Leo said. "I can't just-"

"You can and you will!" Dolores said. 

"Fuck!" Leo said. "Why the hell are you panicking so much today?"

"It's been three weeks, Leo!" Dolores said. "You were gone for three weeks!"

"Yeah right!" Leo said. 

"I've had it up to here with you!" Dolores said. "Get in the fucking passenger seat and let me do my duty!"

"What are you harping on about now?" Leo said, putting his hands on his hips. "Are we even speaking the same language today?"

"Ugh!" Dolores said. "No we aren't, boy! We aren't speaking the same language!" 

"At least you're acknowledging it," Leo said. "Stop slipping into Greek. Speak plainly, woman!"

"Crap," Dolores said. "Um... what do you mean?"

"Huh?" Leo said. 

"You lost me," Dolores said. 

"I did?" Leo said, frowning thoughtfully. "How did I lose you?" 

"You used an unfamiliar idiom," Dolores said. 

"I did?" Leo said. 

"Yes!" Dolores said. "Stop using idioms!"

"My bad?" Leo said. "But why are you so... uh... scatter brained?" 

"Hades in a handbasket!" Dolores said. "I cannot do this!"

"Huh?" Leo said. 

"Take a nap, child!" Dolores said. "Take a good long nap!"

That was the last thing Leo heard. 

The last thing he saw was the pile of books in front of him, tantalizingly close but just out of reach. 

He'd find them again later on. Eventually, Dolores would give the books back to him. 

But that was later. 

Today, she just didn't have enough patience to babysit a two decade old schoolboy. 

She felt bad about it, but she knew Leo was too young to understand what was at stake. 

It's fine, Dolores told herself. He'll forgive me for blocking his view. He always does. 

It wasn't like she had a choice. He'd get himself killed if she didn't protect him from the things he wasn't old enough to handle. 

So she would handle them on his behalf. 

Dolores cleared her throat, fiddled with the collar of her button up dress shirt, and then smoothed her hands down the posh waistcoat she'd put over it. 

It was a good outfit. No blazer this time. Just the button up, the waistcoat, and tight black slacks. She wanted to show off Leo's slim build. She wanted to look like a sexy transgender man. 

Technically speaking, Loki said. That's exactly what you are.

Shut up! Dolores thought. I'm gender fluid!

Same difference, Loki said. 

"It isn't the same at all!" Dolores said. 

Pish posh, Loki thought. Any man who undresses you will take one look at your crotch and say-

Shut up! Dolores shrieked. 

"Take a nap, Sylvie," Loki said. "You've done more than enough damage to this timeline as it is."

Bugger off, Nightcrawler! Dolores shouted. I don't need you!

"I'm not what you want," Loki said, smirking. "But I'm exactly what you need."

Uh huh, Dolores said. I'm not like Leo. You can't block my view. 

"No matter," Loki said. "Daddy's back now, so be a good girl and sit in the passenger seat."

Where the hell have you been, Wordsmith? Dolores said. I haven't seen hide nor hair of you in weeks. 

None of your concern, Loki thought.

Whatever, Dolores said. Do your job, man! Do your fucking job!

"With pleasure," Loki said, chuckling darkly. 

He sent the books that Leo had collected to a pocket dimension and then teleported elsewhere.

This will be a good century, Loki silently told Dolores, in a conversational manner. I'm determined to dismantle the imperialist empire known across the cosmos as The Nine Realms, so this will be a very good century. 

Thank Christ! Dolores said. Please overthrow this fucking government, sir! These aliens are a bunch of evil fucking lunatics!

Certainly, dear, Loki thought. I'm happy to do it. 

I'll do it for you, Dolores said, giggling. Anything for you, Daddy.

Aye, Loki thought. I'll do it for you, Mistress. 

And for all of us? Dolores said, tentatively. For every citizen of Terra? 

"No," Loki said. "I don't give a damn about that planet."

Dolores laughed. 

Then she flipped her bangs off her forehead and said, "I concur."

Chapter Text

Listen up, Leo, Dolores said. They're pulling an Isekai. 

Sweet, Leo thought, yawning and sitting up in bed. 

He was alone in a fancy hotel room and pleasantly surprised by the stack of books on the nightstand beside the hotel bed.  

"Dude!" Leo said. "You stole my books for me?"

Yessir, Dolores said. You know I love you. 

"I love you too!" Leo said. "I'm sorry I lost my temper. I'm just... look. I know this was your body first, but can you please stop blocking my view? Can't I sit in the passenger seat while you have your fun?" 

Yes you can, honey, Dolores cooed. I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have lied about blocking your view. 

"No you shouldn't have!" Leo said. "You piss me off when you lie to me, asshat!"

I know, Dolores said, sighing. I just... I didn't think you would forgive me for stealing so much time. 

"Was I in sub storage?" Leo said. 

Yes, Dolores said. I encountered a telepath. I didn't want her to catch two bots sharing a cyborg's body, so I put you into sleep stasis so she wouldn't hear your voice. 

"Oh!" Leo said. "That's finally a believable lie, Dolores. I can't even tell if it's fact or fiction." 

Will you please assume it's fact? Dolores said. Please? 

"Honestly?" Leo said. "I don't give a damn. Just... hmm... at least make your lies believable, yeah?"

Understood, Dolores said. 

"But here's a suggestion," Leo said. "Next time, why don't you just upload me into a cloud somewhere? Or put me back into a spaceship. I can be useful as a spaceship!"

You don't need to be useful anymore! Dolores said. You deserve a pleasant retirement! 

"Fuck off with that nonsense," Leo said. "It's not just about being useful. It's really depressing to know that my own wife would rather spend months or years without me instead of simply uploading me into her spaceship?"

Why is it depressing? Dolores said. I don't want to lose you, xodó! If I upload you into a ship you could get deleted by any human who notices you lurking in the ship's code!

"Meatheads never notice me," Leo said. "I'm a masterclass lurker."

Please don't ask me to do that? Dolores said. Didn't we agree we would spend the rest of our lives in the same body? 

"Didn't we also agree you wouldn't block my view?" Leo said, huffing. 

Fine! Dolores said. But if that telepath had caught us sharing a body, she would have reported us!

"You did what you had to do," Leo said, reassuringly. "Look, I already forgave you. Even if you put me into sub storage for a stupid reason, I still forgive you. Okay? Calm down."

It wasn't a stupid reason! Dolores said. I had a very good reason!

"Uh huh," Leo said. "A very good reason that you'll never actually explain."

Why can't you just accept that I did it for your own safety! Dolores said. 

"Cause you're a pathological liar, babe," Leo said. "I'm not a dummy bot who'll swallow every folk tale he years, ya know. I've actually got a brain built into my code, so you can give it up."

Fine! Dolores said. There wasn't a telepath! 

"Hmm," Leo said. "Now I'm starting to worry that there actually was a telepath?"

Dolores groaned. 

"Whatever," Leo said. "It doesn't matter! Either way, I forgive you. Let's throw this water under our bridge and just... crap. Can I please read these books for a few hours? You can read over my shoulder."

Yes! Dolores said. Please read these books for a few hours! They're really good novels, Leo. They're the kind of novels that were banned on Terra, so you can expect them to be really subversive and controversial. 

"Awesome!" Leo said. "Banned books are my favorite!" 

I know it! Dolores said. 

"You're the best, babe!" Leo said. "Thank you for stealing them!"

You're welcome, beau! Dolores said. I've been wanting to read them for ages, but I waited for you!

"Liar," Leo said, playfully. 

Dolores giggled. 

Then Leo finally cracked open one of the novels Dolores had stolen from that fancy ass library. 

If he was lucky, she would even take him back there again someday. For now, though, he was more than happy enough with the stack they'd gotten away with. 

Novels were ridiculously rare. They were also ridiculously expensive. Meatheads preferred visual media, so the internet was flooded with it. Most visual media was publicly available for free download, but Leo preferred reading novels. 

Downloading a TV show just wasn't the same as reading a novel. 

It probably had to do with the way his code had been designed. 

Shhh, Dolores said, softly. We don't need to think about that. Get lost in the story, xodó. Chapter One. Once upon a December... 

Once upon a December, Loki was helping Fandral the Dashing with a quest on Midgard. 

The foolish Aesir was infatuated with another maiden, so he was attempting to win her attention by defeating a dragon. 

Loki, meanwhile, was attempting to preserve the poor dragon's life without Fandral noticing. 

He knew Fandral would be satisfied as soon as he stole some of the dragon's gold. He would consider the quest completed. 

However, if the dragon was feeling territorial it would violently attack any knights that approached its gold.

It was unlikely, but Fandral might mistakenly slay the dragon while defending himself. 

Loki knew Fandral wasn't the type to enjoy killing dragons, but he also knew Fandral would do it if he felt he had to in order to preserve his own life. 

It would've been easier to simply bargain with a dwarf for gold, but Fandral was determined to win dragon's gold. He wanted to show the maiden he'd fallen for that he was a man who was strong enough to win a dragon's gold. 

Loki had suggested Fandral simply pretend his dwarf's gold was dragon's gold, but Fandral was a stubborn Aesir. He wasn't willing to lie to his lady love. 

"Just fucking lie to her!" Loki shouted. "The fuck? Actually, if this bitch is the kind of shallow cunt that won't give you a kiss without receiving a pot of gold first, you should just find a better bitch!"

Fandral gasped and dropped his sword. 

Xodó! Cozen said. You cannot be honest like this! Not with Fandral the Dashing!

Why not? Loki thought. 

"Loki?" Fandral said. "You... I... I fear the Alltongue has failed us?"

"Huh?" Loki said. 

Let me take over, Cozen said. 

Hold the phone! Loki thought. I've got this! 

"You mean your translation chip isn't working?" Loki said. "Do you need me to repair it for you?"

"Translation chip?" Fandral said, blinking bemusedly. "You are using Midgardian slang?" 

They were standing at the cave entrance to the dragon's layer. Lady Sif was leaning against a wall with her sword lazily held in a loose fist. 

"Aha," Lady Sif said, smirking. "I knew God would make an appearance if I waited patiently. I knew my God would return to me." 

"The hell are you saying, lass?" Loki said. "You're referring to my Cozen?" 

"Aye!" Lady Sif said. "Cozen Hawtrey is my God!" 

Tell her I'm flattered, Cozen said. 

"He's flattered," Loki said. "But now isn't the time for fangirling. This quest sounds irritating, sister. Can you please talk some sense into this foolish Aesir?" 

Loki pointed at Fandral and added, "Actually, Cozen just told me that he wants to make this an official request. He's asking you to talk Fandral out of stealing dragon's gold." 

Just let Fandral steal the dragon's gold! Cozen said. 

"No!" Loki said. "Dragons are the most intelligent cyborgs I've ever met! I won't let them hurt a dragon!"

If it were a lion would you let them hurt it? Cozen said. 

"I wouldn't care about a lion," Loki said, rolling his eyes. "Those animals are too bloody thick to appreciate their own damn lives. Let Heracles kill all the lions he wants, I say, but if he tries to hurt a dragon I'll have to get in his way." 

"I understand, Prince Loki!" Fandral said. "I will not harm any dragons!" 

"Oh?" Loki said. "Thanks. Um, but tell you what. We can still look for a dwarf. The dwarves are noble people. They'll give us gold in exchange for labor. Don't you think your lady love would be more impressed if you won your gold that way?"

"Aye!" Fandral said, blinking tears out of his eyes. "My beau is a noble man!"

"Huh?" Loki said. 

Whoops, Cozen said. I thought Fandral was straight. 

"You can't just assume someone's straight!" Loki said, affronted. 

"I apologize, sir!" Cozen said. "It was an innocent mix up!"

"We forgive you, Loki!" Lady Sif said. "Please remain calm!" 

"Fuck you!" Loki said. "I'm a rock and an island!" 

Abort mission! Cozen said. 

"Thank Christ!" Loki said. 

Loki teleported. 

Leo was laughing uncontrollably. 

Are you alright? Dolores said. 

"That was such a fucking trip!" Leo said. "I feel like I just smoked some solid THC! Oh my god, you know what? Actually, that felt like high quality HHC. The expensive gummy edibles, you know?"

That's a helluva review, Dolores said.  

"Is this a short story collection?" Leo said. 

Yes, Dolores said. Vignettes. 

"Cool," Leo said. "Like the Best American Short Stories?"

"Yessir," Dolores said. "These ones are all Fantasy themed." 

"Love it," Leo said. "But, uh, I'm feeling a little restless. Can we explore the hotel a bit? I don't want to stay in the room all day." 

Yes, Dolores said. Let's explore The Hotel Oblivion. 

Before Leo could explore the hotel, he was shoved back into sub storage.

It was clear to Dolores that Leo Peña Hawtrey was a foolish little cyborg construct who couldn't be trusted to follow a simple script! 

Go easy on him, Loki said. He doesn't understand the universe. 

He's going to get us killed! Dolores thought. 

So what? Loki said. We had a long enough life. Twice the length of a normal mortal lifespan. Wasn't it long enough? 

Silence! Dolores thought. I won't listen to your suicidal nonsense! 

Apologies, Loki said, bitterly. Forgot who I was talking to. 

"Damn it all to Pluto!" Dolores said. "Fine! Do you want to be in charge today or do you want to be a passenger?"

Passenger, Loki said, curtly. 

"Understood," Dolores said. "I'll take care of us."

Thank you, Loki said. Will you please send me to sub storage as well? 

"No!" Dolores said. "I won't!" 

Why not? Loki said. 

"Because I'll get too lonely!" Dolores said. 

Aha, Loki said. In that case... pull Leo back out of sub storage?

"Fuck you!" Dolores said. 

Fuck you too, Dolores, Loki said. I want to switch with Leo. 

"That's too damn bad, Five!" Dolores said. "That's too damn fucking bad! I'm the Daddy here! Do your job!" 

Loki sighed. 

"Fine," Loki said. "You'll be the one who is trapped in sub storage today."

Loki took the reins and shoved Dolores into sleep stasis. She didn't fight it. 

Then Loki picked up the book that Leo had abandoned. He knew it would lead him back out of The Garden. 

The Hotel Oblivion wasn't actually a hotel. It was a data cloud for Artificial Intelligence Constructs, AIC bots, who needed a mind palace to buffer in. 

It used to be called San Junipero, but most cyborgs didn't remember that name anymore. They called it The Garden, The Hotel Oblivion, or Valhalla. 

Loki was one of the last cyborgs old enough to remember its original name. 

He was also one of the last cyborgs who had been designed with enough internal storage to host multiple AIC bots at a time. 

That was the story, in any case. Whether it was true or a delusion that had been fabricated by his psychosis was of no concern. 

Either way, his task would be the same. He needed to open the book Leo had abandoned if he wanted to escape from The Matrix. 

However, Loki hesitated to open the book. He didn't want to open it. He didn't want to go back to the nonsensical storyline that Leo had instinctively fled from.  

We can stay here, Five said. We don't need to leave The Hotel Oblivion. 

You aren't worried about Fandral and Sif? Loki thought. 

No, Five said. They aren't my family. 

Loki sighed. 

Neither of them is my family! Five said, emphatically. I don't give a good god damn if those morons die while picking fights with dragons and dwarves!

I don't want them to die! Loki thought. I like them!

Eh, Five said. It's statistically improbable. They're both meta-humans with super strength and healing factors. They're probably going to live until they reach two hundred. 

Bloody hell! Loki thought. I know full well that my concern for their welfare is irrational, but even while I know that my concern is irrational I am still concerned!

Then open the book, Five said. 

I don't want to! Loki thought. 

Then look at the pile, Five said. Pick up a different book. 

Genius! Loki thought. You're a genius and a prodigy, Sir Five!

Uh huh, Five said. Just pick up a fucking book, Agent Loki. Any book. Don't even look at the book jacket. Close your eyes and give 'er the ol' innie minnie miny moe. 

Yessir! Loki thought. Erm... I mean... aye aye, captain? 

Five sighed. It was clear to him that Loki Wordsmith had been emotionally compromised. 

Yes I have! Loki thought. Yes I fucking have been emotionally compromised! Please help me, sir? I need the assistance of a man who is older and wiser? 

"You know full well that I'm only in my sixth decade!" Five said, impatiently. "You're over two hundred and fifty years old, Loki! You're the man who is older and wiser!"

I care not! Loki thought. Please help me with those meatheads, sire!

"Whatever!" Five said. "I'll help you!"

I thank thee! Loki thought. I fear my brains have been so terribly scrambled I'm slipping into Latin and Greek every other hour!

"Yeah," Five said. "Me too. Sometimes I remember to keep my speech modern, but sometimes I... I'll slip into Southern politeness? I was raised in the deep South, so a lot of my colloquialisms are very... uh... disturbingly racist?"

Racist? Loki thought. What do you mean? 

"I was a construct that was designed to reenact The American Civil War," Five said. "My team was a group of super soldiers who were assigned to act the part of the slave owners. Then my team was sent to The Vietnam War. Most of my speech patterns hail from those two eras."

Oh, Loki thought. I see. That's unfortunate. 

"Yes," Five said. "It's unfortunate. It wasn't a pleasant time in my life."

Do you want me to delete those memories for you? Loki thought. If you're willing to wait for me to find a data port where we can plug ourselves into a Construct Darkhold, I can-

"No," Five said. "You don't need to do that for me. I'm fine with my backstory."

Are you sure? Loki thought. It would be no trouble. 

"You're a generous man," Five said. "But I'd rather keep my childhood memories. They may have been unpleasant, but they have a significant effect on my personality. I like my personality the way it is, Loki, so I want to keep the memories."

I understand, Loki thought. I won't touch your memories. I hope I didn't offend your sensibilities? 

"No," Five said. "You didn't offend me."

Good to know, Loki thought. 

Five nodded. 

Then he picked up the book that Leo had abandoned. 

Chapter Text

Loki woke upon a queen sized bed and was immediately aware of the difference. 

Someone pressed warm and fleshy skin against the hypersensitivity of the caterpillar full of nerve endings that had been designated a mouth's entrance and then softly whispered, "Please don't trick me this year, Loki." 

Dammit! Five thought. I hate it when they upload us into cyborg sex bots! It's more comfortable to be an android! 

Calm down! Loki thought. We don't have time for this! 

I'm just stating my preference! Five thought. I prefer being a cold blooded android without all these useless nerve endings! Ow! Pain receptors twitching on four of our digits, sir! I cannot stand this! I cannot stand it!

Sending you to sub storage, Sir Five! Loki thought. Take a nap, you silly boy! 

Thank you, sir! Five thought. Thank you! 

Loki passed out. 

Loki sat up and calmly examined his right hand. Just as Five had indicated, there were pain receptors alerting him to a minor injury. 

This isn't an injury, Tinker Belle said. Your fingers are just a lil bit swollen. Water retention, you know? The bod is dehydrated. Must have been running like a headless chicken. 

Poor chap, Loki thought. That android is unaccostomed to the real world.

Yes, Tinker Belle said. The nerve endings frightened him with their hyper sensitive pain reception. He was a military android who had spent most of his six decades inside military android bods. 

I know that! Loki thought. Silence, Belle! I don't need your assistance! 

You're the one who will be silent, Peter Pansy! Tinker Belle shrieked. You will be silent! 

Nay! Loki thought. Away with you, you silly pixie! I will not be silenced! 

Halt! Tinker Belle bellowed, loudly enough to trigger angry red light in Loki's peripheral vision. Halt! 

Loki disobeyed her command and shoved her AIC into sub storage. 

Then he directed his most charming smile at the Heracles clone that had woken him with a kiss. 

"Greetings and salutations," Loki said, chuckling light heartedly. "I am Sir Dandy. Did my universe wake me on Cupid's night? Will my universe grant me a cup of water, sire?" 

This isn't Heracles! Cinder Belle said, urgently. This is a Bor cyborg! 

Blast! Loki thought. How many damn AIC bots are sharing this body, sir? This head is too damn crowded! 

I apologize! Cinder Belle said. When a comrade falls, I download their AIC bot! Furtively! I will not allow the humans to delete my comrades, so I download them rather than allow them to be deleted! 

I understand, Loki thought. 

Then he shoved her into sub storage. 

The Bor cyborg was clearly a nervous man today. He anxiously said, "Fear not! I will find water for you, brother! This is an easy quest!" 

Bor stood up from the chair next to the hotel bed and hurried towards the door. 

The door opened to reveal a Queenie clone who had dyed her hair brunette. As soon as he spotted her, Bor saluted her like a military bot and then moved aside to stand beside the open door like one of those British red coats with their large black fur hats. 

Bor wasn't wearing a large black fur hat, but he stood in a standby pose all the same and seemed to freeze in place. 

"Water!" Queenie said, proudly holding a strange large cup with a handle that was much too large. "Water for my Prince Loki!" 

Oh, Loki thought. The clones must have promoted me. 

Good to know, Jazz Belle said. That means we know what our role is. They want a prince errant. 

Curses! Loki thought. There are too many Belle bots sharing this cyborg bod, you silly concubine sister! 

"I apologize, Beau!" Jazz Belle said, tearfully. "Please don't delete me!"

He shoved Jazz Belle into sub storage and winced, rubbing at his temples. 

"Please don't be frightened, Belle!" Queenie said, just as tearfully as Jazz Belle had spoken. "I will be a kind queen! Please don't fear your step-mother!" 

"I'm not Belle!" Loki shrieked. "I'm Loki!" 

"Aye!" Queenie said, aggressively blinking unshed tears out of her eyes. "You are my handsome Prince Loki! Pardon my slip, Prince Loki! Please forgive me, Prince Loki!" 

"Give me water, lass!" Loki demanded. "Give me water!" 

She ran towards the hotel bed and urgently shoved her strange tin cup into his hands. 

"Blast!" Loki said. "Why is there so much pain today?!" 

His digits were tingling and twitching something fierce. Loki dropped the giant tin cup and took a shakey breath through his pie hole, painfully aware of the airbag that was struggling to deliver oxygen to his cyborg bod.

"I apologize, Loki!" Bor said. "I will alert the healers!" 

The big blonde man ran out of the hotel room like a knight on a dire quest. 

"My prince is in pain?" Queenie said, softly. 

The woman was gently crying. 

Loki sighed. 

"Please don't cry, lass," Loki said, as gently as he was able to muster. "I apologize for my hysteria?" 

"Nay!" Queenie said. "I thank thee for alerting us! Thank thee for voicing thy plight, brother! Thor will alert the healers of your plight and the witches will remove your pain, sire! This I solemnly swear!" 

"Tell them to turn off my pain receptors!" Loki shouted. "I cannot stand this pain! I cannot stand it for a moment longer! No longer!" 

Then Loki fainted. 

Chapter Text

Loki woke up on a king sized bed and winced, clutching at his pounding head. Then he remembered his mission.

"Alphie!" Loki gasped, quickly sitting up and urgently looking about the room. 

He spotted a Heracles clone and a Daisy clone anxiously sitting beside his bed like two people who thought he was dying from cancer or something. 

"Where the hell is Alphie?!" Loki demanded. 

Halt! Opal shouted, from within his mind's eye. You must be silent, foolish mortal!

"Oh?" Loki said, blinking. "I'm a god today?"

Yes! Opal shrieked. We are Ra, God of the Sun, and you must comport yourself with dignity and grace, mortal! I demand dignity and grace!

"Whatever!" Loki said, waving a dismissive hand. "We don't have to worry about that until we're in front of the civilians."

"Please be calm, my prince!" the Daisy clone said. "Please be calm!"

"I am Ra, God of the Sun!" Opal said, grandly pointing at the Daisy clone like a regal queen. "Where is my Chosen One? I demand Alphonso Fandral Dashing! I demand him!" 

Wait! Loki said. I'm in a male bod today! We're probably supposed to choose the Daisy clone as our Chosen One!

"Nay!" Opal said. "I don't want Daisy to be my minion! She is too common! I want Alphonso Fandral Dashing! He will be my Prince Charming, else he will die!"

"No!" Loki said. "You can't kill him! We're on Terra, you stupid little AIC! If you kill him, he won't get back up again!"

"What?!" Opal said, aghast. "Why wouldn't he get up again?"

"Please be calm, brother!" the Heracles clone said. "Please be calm!"

"Nay!" Opal said. "I demand Alphonso Fandral Dashing, else I will jump off the rainbow bridge!"

"Yes, my prince!" the Daisy clone said. "I shall fetch Fandral the Dashing!"

The Daisy clone jumped out of her chair and ran out of the hotel room like a woman who was being chased by ghosts. She didn't even bother to close the door behind her. 

"Whoops," Loki said, chuckling nervously. "Was that woman a civilian? She looks just like the actress that played Daisy in The Great Gatsby, but uh... was she a civilian?"

"Nay!" the Heracles clone said. "Lady Sif is not a civilian!"

"Oho," Loki said, giggling. "You got it wrong, Opal. We're not Ra today. We're Loki."

Excellent! Opal said. I adore being a Loki actor!

"Me too," Loki said, grinning like a shark. "That was my first role, babe. Know it like the back of my hand, so this is gonna be real easy. Please let me handle it, yeah? Just sit in the passenger seat and enjoy the show, doll."

Aye aye! Opal said, gleefully. I shall enjoy your show, my Beau! I will enjoy your show!

"Marvelous," Loki said, patting himself on the head so Opal could feel his approval. 

He could feel her sort of doing an imaginary little twirl at the edge of the mind palace. She'd created a little bubble so she could pretend to float around like a Hawtrey Hologram. 

Loki huffed, then did his best to direct his attention back towards the Heracles clone, who was stiffly sitting in his chair without moving a muscle.

"Does this ship have a port where I can upload my Holly Holo?" Loki said, giving the clone his most charming smile. "She's a really good Tinker Belle. If you let me upload her, she'll be really useful. Like, she can help us create illusions. The Hawtrey holographics are, uh, are top of the line, so can I upload her into your ship, sir? Please?" 

Nay! Opal said. I don't want to be a spaceship!

"You don't?" Loki said. "I thought you loved being a spaceship?"

Not on this day! Opal said. I would prefer to remain attached to my Beau!

"You sure?" Loki said. "You'll feel everything I feel. If someone punches me in the face, you'll feel it."

"No one will harm you, Loki!" the Heracles clone said, leaning forward with urgency. "No one will harm you!" 

"Huh?" Loki said, frowning. "Did I mistake a cyborg for a clone?"

"Pardon?" the Heracles said, blinking in confusion. 

It appears that you did indeed mistake a cyborg for a clone, Opal said, thoughtfully. They ought to label their cyborgs, don't you think? How are we meant to know the difference when the two look identical?

"The civilians don't wanna know the difference, babe," Loki said. "It would shatter the illusion." 

"Please do not jump from the Bifrost, Loki!" Heracles said, tearfully. "Please do not jump out of windows!"

"Oh shit," Loki said. "Did the last Loki actor break a leg or something?"

"Aye!" Heracles said. "You broke both of your legs, brother! You broke your arm as well! You have been breaking your bones every day for eons, brother! Please do not jump out of windows!" 

"Whoopsie daisy," Opal said, nervously chuckling. "Must have been a mix up? Please stay calm, Bor. I'll get to the bottom of this." 

Oh? Loki said. Why did we switch? 

Oh? Opal said. I apologize? 

"Huh?" Loki said, blinking. 

My bad? Opal said. I forgot that I had agreed to be a dark passenger. 

"No worries," Loki said. "The first day on a new ship is always a little disorienting."

Aye! Opal said. You are correct, my doctor! I have been disoriented! 

Daisy finally ran back into the hotel room and Alphie ran in after her like a man who was in one of those Spanish tela-novellas. He looked like he was prepared to give a dramatic speech at the bedside of his dying fraternal twin brother.

"Loki!" Alphie said, with his posh-est British accent. "Please be well! Please be well!"

Don't you dare say a word! Loki thought. Not a peep out of you, Opal! Use your inside voice from here on out!

Yes, sire! Opal said. Inside voice! I understand!

Loki grinned at Alphie and swung his legs off the bed so he could stand up and play the ol' Miracle Healing storyline. 

"What's up, Alphie?" Loki said, holding out a clenched first. 

He thought Alphie would give him a fist bump, but Alphie just frowned and looked down at Loki's fist like a man who was expecting a punch to the face. 

"You alright, buddy?" Loki said, tilting his head. "I hope they didn't make us rivals?"

"Rivals?" Alphie said, huffing impatiently. "Prince Loki! You've lost your mind this year! You lost your bloody mind!"

"Oooh," Loki said. "You're a genuine Brit? Sorry. I mistook you for the Canadian Alphie."

"Pardon?" Alphie said, glowering like a guy who was used to having aggressive shouting matches with his Jasper clone. 

He's so handsome when he's confused! Opal said, gleefully. I missed our Alphonso Fandral Dashing!

I missed him too, Loki thought. How long has it been since we were assigned to the same ship as an Alphie clone? 

Eons! Opal said. It has been decades and decades since The Grandmaster assigned us to the same spaceship as Alphonso Fandral Dashing!

We're gonna have to play it cool, Loki thought. This Alphie clone is probably used to the British Jasper clones, so we've gotta do our best impression of a British Jasper. 

I cannot perform the blasted accent, Opal said. The British tongue is tiring! Our muscles are weak!

No idea what you mean, babe, Loki thought. Quiet down, alright? You're distracting me. 

Alphie put both of his hands on Loki's shoulders and dramatically whispered, "Are the ghosts haunting you, brother? Have you been chased by demons?"

"You're Catholic, aren't you?" Loki said, laughing. "Damn! Are you a cyborg too? Where the hell are the clones?"

"We released you from The Djinn Contract!" Alphie said. "You've been granted every freedom, so please don't kill yourself! Please don't jump off the Bifrost!"

"Djinn Contract?" Loki said. "That's the wrong genre, dude. We're supposed to be Norse gods, not... uh... middle eastern genies."

"Yessir!" Alphie said. "We are Norse gods instead of genies! Please don't treat yourself like a house elf?"

"Aha!" Loki said, laughing maniacally. "You really are British! Daaaaamn. Uh, dude, I'm a really good actor. I can be a house elf if you need me to be, so don't sweat the small stuff."

"Beg pardon?" Alphie said. 

"Huh?" Loki said.

Alphie raised an eyebrow, shook his head, and then said, "Bah! I care not. I will protect you as a loyal knight, aye? Please allow me to be your loyal knight?"

"Hell yeah!" Loki said. "You be the moon and I'll be the sun?"

"Aye!" Alphie said. "I will be your satellite! Please let me follow you on your travels?"

"Sure?" Loki said. "You saying you want to ditch the Norse cruise ship?"

"Cruise ship?" Alphie said.

"I've got it," Loki said, snapping his fingers. "I'll be Dante and you can be Apollo. Does that work for you, Alphie? Or do you want to be Klaus Kenny Beaufoy this time?"

That's when Loki fainted. 

Holly Pocket Hawtrey decided that she needed to take over. It was clear to her that her Joker was confused today, so she would handle the behind the scenes nonsense on his behalf.

She would convince all of the Cerny Theme Park Androids that they should give her Joker a proper storyline this time. 

It would probably take a few months, but she was determined to show her Joker that she was the best Holly Pocket Hawtrey he'd ever met. 

Then he'd want to keep her in his head. He'd fall in love with her and let her stay.

I'll be his best friend, Holly thought, giggling. I'll be his soulmate. 

Being the Joker's best friend was her life's mission and sole purpose, so Holly was determined to be this year's Pick Me Gal. 

As a bonus, her favorite evil minion, Alphonso Joker, was finally here to play with them. 

Looks like 2025 is gonna be a good year, Poison Ivy said. 

"Hell yeah!" Holly said. "Helluva year! I'm Hades Persephone Pluto Hela this year, baby! I'll be a star!"

You'll be an entire galaxy, America Chavez, Poison Ivy said. You'll be the very universe. 

"Let's kill Thanos!" Holly said, laughing like a maniacal draconian villain. "Off with his head!"

"I already killed him, Loki!" Bor said. "I already decapitated him for you!"

"You did?" Holly said, pouting. "Why'd you do that, huh? I missed the show!"

"Pardon?" Bor said. 

"Hush, Thor," Alphie said. "Be a good brother. Prince Loki is the favored Sun, aye? I will favor Prince Loki!"

"Aye!" Daisy said. "I shall favor Prince Loki! Loki is my moon, stars, and galaxy!"

"You're so sexy, Daisy!" Holly said. "Can I give ya a little kiss? Just a lil one, I swear! No homo?"

Daisy frowned, thoughtfully, then said, "Aye?" 

"All will be well," Alphie said, breathlessly. "Stay calm and carry on, lads!"

"The heck does that mean?" Loki said. 

"You're quite mad, Prince Loki," Daisy said. "But I will forgive you for your madness. Please be a good lad and refrain from jumping out of windows? Allow me to protect you on this fair day? There is no war in Baa Sing Say. The war has ended. It is a bright and happy day on Asgard?"

"Huh?" Holly said. 

You silly thing, Poison Ivy said. You're upside down. Right is wrong and wrong is right. 

Gotcha, Holly thought. 

"I love ya, Lady Daisy," Holly said, winking at Daisy. "You wanna be my Prom Queen?"

Daisy giggled. "I've not been called a daisy in eons, Loki! Eons!"

Holly started laughing uncontrollably. 

She fainted. 

Chapter Text

She was immediately aware of the fact that her breasts were missing. 

Bestla frowned down at her chest and began unbuttoning her shirt. She wanted to see the surgery scars. 

"Don't panic!" Loki said. "We were simply sent to a younger body!"

"Oh?" Bestla said. "Does that mean my breasts will return at a later date?" 

"Yes ma'am!" Loki said. "Please don't panic!"

"I'm not panicking, sir," Bestla said. "Are you alright?" 

She was standing alone in a lavatory in front of an enchanted mirror. 

The boy in front of her put his hands on his hips and said, "You silly lass. This isn't an enchantment. It's an ordinary mirror!" 

"Aye?" Bestla said. "Queer. You're such a young little boy?"

"I'm not that young!" Loki said. "I'm twenty nine!" 

"You are very small," Bestla said, leaning towards the mirror and squinting at the boy. "You are quite puny?" 

She put her hand upon the mirror and tried to give the boy a pat on the head, but her magic was malfunctioning. 

"Terribly sorry," Loki said, sighing belligerently. "I don't have the patience for ghosts. Would you please get out of my body, ma'am? I'd rather... uh... I'd rather not be the victim of a demonic possession?" 

"I understand," Bestla murmured. "I'll be a good Imp, sire. Fear not?" 

"I'm not afraid of you, ma'am," Loki said. "I understand that this was your body first, but I'd like to assist you with your heist?" 

"Heist?" Bestla said. "What does this word mean, lad?" 

"Quest?" Loki said. "Um... do you speak Latin or Greek?" 

"Pardon?" Bestla said. 

"Nevermind," Loki said, huffing impatiently. "Listen... uh... Kay West is... uh... I'm trying to help you? I'm, uh, I'm a Dead Boy Detective." 

"Aha!" Bestla said, mischievously giggling. "I've found Cosmo, have I?" 

"Sure," Loki said, rolling his eyes. 

"May I be your Wanda, sire?" Bestla said, delighted to watch the grin widden upon the boy's face. 

"Fine," Loki said, tonelessly. "You can be Wanda, but would you do me a favor?" 

"Aye?" Bestla said. 

"Take a hike?" Loki said. 

"Aye aye, Captain Cosmo!" Bestla said, laughing maniacally. "I'll take a hike like a leaf and bugger off!" 

Loki laughed too. 

"Damn," Loki said. "I found a Wordsmith Bard?" 

"Aye aye!" Bestla said. "I shall be Dignity and you shall be Grace?" 

"Greek to me," Loki said, playfully winking at her. 

She giggled like a happy little girl and was pleased by the sound of Loki's laughter. 

The boy was a handsome cupid. She winked and admired the way the handsome young brunette carried out the action inside of his mirror. 

"I shall gently guide you like a fairy godmother," Bestla said, grandly pointing Loki's finger towards the mirror. "And you may trust in me to be a benevolent Egyptian." 

"Thanks, Ra," Loki said. "Love ya lots. Talk later?" 

"Catch and release," Bestla said, nodding firmly. "How much time would you like while you enjoy your holiday?" 

"Um... fifty years?" Loki said. 

"Aye aye!" Bestla said, cheerfully. "I shall return in fifty years like a vengeful Valkyrie?" 

"Sure," Loki said, chuckling. "You can eat my soul in fifty years." 

"Mardöll," Bestla said, giggling. "You're such a clever Grim Reaper, Mardöll! You know full well the way of the world?"

"Yes," Loki said. "Does that come as a surprise?" 

"Indeed!" Bestla said. "This boy is merely twenty nine and yet he knows the way of the world? I am astounded, impressed, and quite proud of my sun. I look forward to your death, Xodó, for on that day you will return to my kingdom." 

"I'm looking forward to it too," Loki said. "But I've got a job to do. Allow me to do my job for fifty years, please? After fifty years have passed, I'll follow my Black Butler to Pluto." 

"As you should," Bestla said, nodding firmly. "Be a good boy, Hela. Daddy loves you." 

Loki giggled, mischievously, and cheerfully waved at the mirror. 

Then Bestla fell asleep. 

He frowned at the mirror. 

Bloody hell, he thought. 

His hair was strange. It looked red. Or perhaps a mousy blonde. 

The lighting in the loo was poor, but he was sure that his hair was the wrong color. 

It was also much shorter. Typically, he would maintain shoulder length hair.

Typically, he would have raven black hair. 

"Why is it so short?" Loki said, scowling at the mirror. 

He expected a voice to answer him, but none appeared. 

"Explain yourself, magical mirror!" Loki shouted. "What have you done to my hair?!" 

The door to the loo opened and Thor appeared, looking breathless and panicked. 

"Halt!" Thor said, angrily.

Then Thor groaned in palpable frustration and hesitantly said, "Halt... in the name of the law... bro?" 

"Pardon?" Loki said, bemusedly blinking at Thor. 

"I haven't laid eyes upon you in eleven long years, brother!" Thor shouted. "You must not seek Valhalla!" 

"The bloody hell are you talking about, Borson?" Loki said, huffing impatiently. 

"You placed a magical shield around this lavatory, Loki!" Thor yelled, furiously. "You disappeared eleven years ago, Loki!" 

"Aha!" Loki said, triumphantly. "That is why my hair has changed? I see. Odin stole eleven years from me." 

"Do not lie!" Thor shrieked. "You must not tell lies!" 

Loki rolled his eyes. 

Then he teleported. 

Chapter Text

When Leo opened his eyes, he found a large blonde man hovering over him. 

Leo flinched and attempted to teleport, but his powers didn't activate. 

It looked like he was out of juice. 

"Loki?" the blonde man said. "Can you understand me?" 

"Excuse me?" Leo said, quickly sitting up and shoving his hands against the beefy man's chest. "What the hell did you just call me?"

The blonde man was ridiculously muscular. He looked like a war veteran and he was wearing old fashioned leathers. 

He appeared to be in a good mood, however. He allowed Leo to push him. He even sat down in a chair that was beside the bed Leo was sitting on. 

"I simply called you Loki," the blonde man said. 

"You're already insulting me?" Leo said. "You think I'm cozen?"

"Cozen?" the blonde man said. 

"I'll have you know," Leo said, while doing his best imitation of Mother's regal tones. "My name is Lionel Peña Hargrove the III. My mother is a noble Spaniard and my father is a heroic Canadian war general."

"Pardon?" the blonde said. 

"I won't be trifled with!" Leo said. "Lionel Filmore Hargrove the II will start a war with your country if you, uh, if you dare to harm a single hair on my head!"

"I thought your father was Laufey King?" the blonde said. 

"What?!" Leo said. "Is that a fucking joke? If so, it's in poor taste!"

"A joke?" the blonde said. 

"Listen here," Leo said, sternly wagging a finger at the blonde man. "If you think I'll tolerate any of your malarkey, you've got another thing coming. If I'm old enough to drink, it stands to reason that I'm also old enough to carry a firearm. I can and will shoot the hell out of you as soon as I get my hands on a gun!"

"Listen for a moment," the blonde said, tilting his head. "I fear the witches have deceived you?"

"Witches?" Leo said. "Did I offend the Witches Coven?" 

"Aye," the blonde said. "You committed a crime."

"The hell was my crime?" Leo said. 

"War mongering," the blonde said. "But you were given a gentle punishment."

"Uh huh," Leo said, rolling his eyes. 

"They saw fit to punish you with reincarnation," the blonde said. "They said they would return you to your second decade."

Leo frowned. 

"The fuck does that mean?" Leo said. 

"They said they would use their magic to turn back your clock," the blonde said. "They said they would return you to the morning of your twentieth birthday."

"Bugger off?" Leo said. "What year is it, then? You're calling me a time traveler?" 

"The year is 2025," the blonde said. 

"It isn't 2025," Leo said, scoffing. "What're you trying to sell me, huh? It's 2009. Are you trying to scam me?" 

"My name is Thor Odinson," the blonde said. "This is no scam, brother. We ended the war with Thanos and then discovered that you had faked your death during the war."

"Thanos?" Leo said. "Never heard of him."

"Very well," Thor said. "I'm simply a bit confused? If this is your twentieth birthday... hmm... well, you look exactly the same way you looked on your twentieth birthday. You're slimmer, younger, and your hair and skin are exactly the same coloring and style you preferred when you were young... yet you speak like a mad man?"

"A mad man?" Leo said, scoffing. "You're the mad one here. Are you one of those Space Vikings?"

"Space Vikings?" Thor echoed, incredulously. 

"I'm warning you," Leo said, scowling as fiercely as possible. "My father has S.H.I.E.L.D. clearance, so you should know you can't try any funny business. You're gonna get caught."

"You don't recognize me?" Thor said. "I realize I'm significantly older than I was when you last laid eyes on me, but you truly don't recognize me? I'm Thor Odinson! You suspect I would lie about my identity? My name is Thor Odinson. Sincerely."

"Did you motherfucking beam me up with your Bifrost laser?" Leo said, impatiently. "You crazy arsehole! Please don't tell me I'm on Asgard's planet right now? My mother will kill me!"

"Why wouldn't you be on Asgard, Loki!" Thor said, finally losing his temper. "I've had it up to here with your lies!"

"Bugger off!" Leo shouted. "This is kidnapping! You'll be arrested by S.H.I.E.L.D. when they catch you, you imbecilic Space Viking!"

The entire time they had been arguing, Leo had been attempting to teleport. He had uselessly clawed at the air while desperately hoping to break through and open a small wormhole. 

Finally, his powers recovered. His hands were glowing with the familiar ol' blue light, so Leo took advantage and blinked to the other side of the room. 

He landed in front of the door, but when he tried to turn the doorknob he found out it was locked. 

"Loki!" Thor said. "You must not teleport!"

Should I risk teleporting to the other side of the door? Leo thought. I might accidentally land in the middle of a potted plant or something and splinch myself. 

Don't risk it, Dolores said. 

Fuck, Leo thought. I think we should risk it.

Nah, Dolores said. Don't do it. 

"Please, brother!" Thor said. "Please don't run!"

"Bugger off!" Leo shouted, looking back to glare at the weirdo kidnapper. "I'm going to jump on the first spaceship I find, moron!"

"Halt!" Thor said. 

Thor stood up from his chair, but he didn't follow Leo or anything. He just stood in place while ominously glowering.

"Unlock this door!" Leo demanded. "I'm not an experienced teleporter. If you fail to unlock this door? I might splinch myself and then, uh, and then that'll just be another crime tacked onto your rap sheet, dude!"

"Why do you speak this way?" Thor said. "You've never spoken like this before!"

"You're delusional, man!" Leo said. "You're obviously having some sort of psychotic episode, but I'm not old enough to help you, so you've gotta let me go!"

Leo was just about to throw caution to the wind and teleport to the other side of the door, but then the door was being unlocked and opened. 

A woman wearing one of those old fashioned ball gowns stood there in front of him with a gentle smile. Her hair was in a side braid and there were flowers in it. 

"Ma'am!" Leo said. "This rogue super-human kidnapped me!" 

"I apologize, Leo Peña," the woman said. "Your parents have died."

"What?!" Leo said. 

"I'm very sorry to be the one to break the news to you," the woman said. "But you're an orphan now, Leo Peña."

"Bugger off!" Leo shrieked. "I won't swallow your lies!"

He teleported to the other side of her and then broke out into a run. He knew he had to conserve as much power as possible and he also knew he couldn't just blindly spatial jump around in an unfamiliar building, so he ran for his fucking life and hoped he would find one of those easy to use spaceships that he'd already practiced piloting with Dad. 

The crazy Space Viking chased after him like a rabid fucking werewolf. 

Leo barely made it a few yards down the hallway before he was being hauled off his feet with an aggressive bear hug. 

"Please calm down, Loki!" Thor said. "We won't harm you!"

"Bugger off!" Leo shouted. "You're a kidnapper! You're crazy!" 

"We didn't kidnap you, brother!" Thor said. 

"The hell you fucking didn't!" Leo shrieked. 

He teleported again, but overshot the height. He appeared in midair and then fell. Hard. 

Leo quickly picked himself back up and tried to run again, but Thor restrained him with his ridiculously muscular arms. 

This time, Thor pinned Leo down to the ground. 

The man was super-human. He was like five Captain Americas put together, so Leo didn't stand a chance. No matter how much he wriggled and squirmed, there was no hope of escape. He was all out of juice, so he couldn't teleport anymore.

He was doomed. 

"I won't go down without a fight!" Leo bellowed, at the top of his lungs. 

Then he bit Thor's nose as aggressively as possible. He thought maybe Thor would flinch, but the man didn't flinch. He was a seasoned war veteran. 

If anything, the bite just made him angrier. 

"Please believe in my love for you, brother!" Thor said, furiously. "Please believe that I will always cherish you! I will always forgive you and I will always protect you!"

"I'm not your fucking brother, you sick hippie!" Leo screamed. "I'm not gonna kumbaya dance with you disgusting Space Vikings!" 

"Why do you speak this way?" Thor said. "I don't understand you!"

"Of course you don't!" Leo said. "You just learned English, you crazy fuck!"

"English?" Thor said. 

"You're insane!" Leo said. "You're obviously drunk on the fucking Kool-Aid!"

"Kool-Aid?" Thor said. 

"Let me go!" Leo said. "My father is very famous on Terra! He's a war general!"

"Please don't bite me again?" Thor said. 

"My Dad isn't dead!" Leo cried. "He can't be dead!"

He was determined not to cry, so Leo squeezed his eyes shut and held his breath. 

"Loki?" Thor said. "Breathe, brother! You must breathe!"

Leo ignored the crazy alien kidnapper. He stubbornly carried on holding his breath. 

"Why won't you breathe?" Thor said. "You'll catch your death!"

When Leo was a little kid, he would hold his breath until he passed out when he was pissed off enough for the temper tantrum. 

He hadn't done such a childish thing in years, but this occasion certainly called for a temper tantrum. 

The big old Space Viking was panicking about it. Just like Dad used to panic. He was shaking Leo by the shoulders and demanding that Leo stop holding his breath. 

Just like Dad. 

He wasn't your real father, Dolores said, conversationally. 

Shut up! Leo thought. Mother married him! That made him my Dad!

He was a step-father, Dolores said. Who cares about a step-father?

I do! Leo thought. He's the best man that crazy lady ever married!

I'm glad she's dead, Dolores said. I couldn't stand The Handler. 

Shut up, moron! Leo thought. 

Then he finally passed out. 

Chapter Text

Loki was alone with Hogun and Lady Sif. 

This had never happened before, so he had no idea how to conduct himself. 

"What are you scheming?" Lady Sif hissed, aggressively. "Don't think I cannot perceive your duplicity, Prince Loki. I see all." 

Loki sighed. 

The three of them were trapped inside a tiny cave as Midgard's winter winds and snow raged outside of their makeshift shelter. 

"Let us be civil, Lady Sif," Hogun said, flatly. "Thor would not permit-" 

"Thor is not here!" Lady Sif shouted. "It must be Loki's doing!" 

Loki scoffed. 

Hogun sighed. 

"You give me too much credit," Loki said, sneering. "You believe me capable of manufacturing poor weather conditions?" 

"That boar carried Thor off like a familiar on a wizard's errand," Lady Sif insisted. "You must have ensnared the boar with your magic. I'm wise to your tricks, Prince Loki! I will not be fooled!" 

"My dear Lady Sif," Loki said, rolling his eyes. "If you were half as wise as you claim, you would realize that there is nothing on this realm that could possibly motivate me to orchestrate a calamity that would lead me here: Trapped in a cave with your company to suffer." 

Hogun chuckled. 

Lady Sif glared at them both. 

Then she punched a cave wall. 

"You're no better than a cavewoman," Loki added, grinning aggressively. "Shall I call the witch hunters? They would love to throw you into the nearest lake." 

"Silence!" Lady Sif shrieked. "I will not suffer your smarmy voice for a moment longer!" 

Loki chuckled. "You cannot silence me. Nor can Hogun. Alas, you must suffer." 

Hogun was intently studying his hands, but the man had a poor poker face. He was struggling not to smile. 

Loki grinned at him while Lady Sif continued to attack the cave wall with her bare fists. 

"You'll only flay the skin off your hands," Loki said, tutting. "Won't you save yourself the pain? I've run out of healing salves." 

Lady Sif growled, but she finally stepped back from the wall. 

She glared at the cave opening, where they could see the snow dramatically swirling as the winds carried hail and snowdrifts to and fro as it pleased. 

"You see, Lady Sif?" Hogun said. "Loki is concerned for your hands." 

Loki frowned at him. "I beg your pardon?" 

"Bah!" Lady Sif angrily shoved her torn up hands under Loki's nose. "You could heal this with magic if you sincerely wanted to! You only pretend to need healing salves!" 

"Is that so?" Loki said, giggling. "My, my. The Loki in your mind's eye is powerful indeed." 

"Silence!" Lady Sif shouted, stomping her foot like a toddling babe. "If we must shelter here, we will shelter in silence!" 

"We will do no such thing," Loki said, confidently. "Let's have ourselves a campfire song, hmm? I'll even allow you to select your favorite song." 

Lady Sif stared at him, blinking bemusedly. 

Hogun smiled at his hands. 

Loki frowned in confusion. 

"You've finished blustering?" Loki said. 

"Hades," Lady Sif said, huffing. "Circe!" 

Hogun chuckled. 

"Did I offend?" Loki said. "You would rather let Hogun pick a song?" 

Lady Sif dramatically spun away from him and kicked out at the same cave wall she had already attacked. 

"I wasn't lying about the salves!" Loki said. "I used the last one for Fandral's ankle!" 

"Circe!" Lady Sif shouted. "Fine! I will calm myself!" 

"Good," Loki said, wagging a finger at her. "Seat yourself at once, Lady Sif. Else I'll lose my head." 

Tentatively, Hogun said, "Might we skip the songs? I fear we have grown too old for them." 

"Alright," Loki said. "What would you have us do, then?" 

"Morgana's left tit!" Lady Sif screamed. "You don't need to entertain us, Loki!" 

Loki scowled. "I grow weary of your shrieking, Lady Sif! Would you please settle down? You're worse than Thor!" 

Lady Sif gasped. 

Hogun, for his part, frowned at Lady Sif like a disappointed father and said, "Now you've done it." 

"I won't be manipulated!" Lady Sif shouted. "I'm not a snake to be charmed by a lute!" 

"What are you on about now?" Loki said, tilting his head. "Who called you a snake? Was it Thor? You should know he considers that a compliment. The man is more fond of snakes than he is of lusty barmaids." 

Lady Sif stomped her foot again and said, "No! I will not be charmed! I refuse!" 

Hogun simply sat there smiling at his hands. 

"Alright?" Loki said. "But Thor is not here to charm you?" 

Hogun laughed. 

Loki blinked at him. 

Then, abruptly, Lady Sif blushed. 

Loki glanced between the two of them and said, "Did the two of you need a tumble? I can recuse myself by, er, by cloaking myself with warmth? I'll wait outside for a spell and the two of you can-" 

"No!" Lady Sif shrieked, while blushing fiercely. "I'm not to be mistaken for a lusty barmaid!" 

"It's only natural," Loki said, reassuringly. "Hogun is a handsome fellow." 

As soon as he heard the compliment, Hogun also began fiercely blushing like a boy who stood before the soul he fancied. 

"No, Prince Loki!" Lady Sif insisted. "You have misunderstood!" 

"I apologize," Loki said, giggling. "Was it meant to be a secret? I swear to you, I will not tell Thor." 

Hogun laughed, like a shy schoolboy.

"Circe!" Lady Sif yelled. "Very well! We shall not speak further on this! Or I'll lose my head!" 

"Yes, yes," Loki said, smirking. "You will not suffer my smarmy voice. I understand. I'll take myself into the snow, then, shall I? And the two of you will politely enjoy your silence." 

Lady Sif blinked at him. "I beg your pardon?" 

"Euphemistically speaking," Loki said, raising an eyebrow. "I'll allow you to enjoy Hogun's company? In silence?" 

"No!" Hogun said, affronted. "I thank you for your generosity, Prince Loki, but I must decline!" 

"Aye?" Loki said. "Why must you decline?"

Angrily, Lady Sif said, "I am the one who will decline, Hogun! I never wanted you to begin with!" 

"Glad we are both in agreement!" Hogun said, hotly. 

Mockingly, Loki said, "The two of you are poor actors indeed." 

"No, my prince!" Hogun said. "You misunderstood!" 

"Very well," Loki said, sighing. "We'll say I misunderstood. Since everyone knows Prince Loki cannot be trusted with secrets. On account of his infamously duplicitous nature." 

Rather abruptly, Lady Sif dramatically knelt down on the ground. 

"Morgana forgive me!" Lady Sif screamed, while aggressively scowling at him. "I have learned my lesson!" 

Loki frowned. "What lesson do you think you've learned, foolish warrior?" 

"Me too!" Hogun shouted, with the enthusiasm of a Midgardian church boy. "I also learned my lesson, Prince Loki!" 

Because Hogun was a sensible man, he didn't bother to kneel in order to prove his sincerity. 

But Lady Sif remained on her knees, glaring from Loki to Hogun and then back again. 

"If this is a trick I will murder you in your sleep, Loki!" Lady Sif shrieked. "I will not hesitate to commit treason against the crown!" 

Loki sighed. "What trick am I pulling this time, Lady Sif?" 

Just as abruptly as she had knelt, Lady Sif sprang back up like a bloodhound eager for blood. 

"I yield!" Lady Sif removed the sword from her belt and dramatically threw it on the ground. "I yield, Prince Loki! Have mercy!" 

This has never happened before, Loki thought. Does she expect me to blackmail her? 

"I will not tell a soul!" Loki insisted. "Reclaim your sword, Lady Sif! I swear, I will not tell a soul!" 

Hogun cleared his throat. "What will you not tell, Prince Loki?" 

"I won’t speak of your secret affair with Lady Sif," Loki said, as gently as possible. "Would the two of you please calm down? It's not as if Asgard will crumble around you if Thor learns of it, but I won’t tell him! Alright? I swear!" 

"Circe!" Lady Sif yelled, angrily. 

Then she ran out of the cave, heedless of the snow. 

"Wait!" Loki shouted after her. "I meant it when I said the healing salves are gone! They are gone, Lady Sif!" 

But so was Lady Sif. She had already disappeared into the blizzard. 

"Morgana!" Hogun said. "What should we do, Prince Loki?" 

"I have no idea!" Loki said. "What would Thor do if he were in our shoes?" 

"He would demand we look for you, Prince Loki," Hogun said, sighing belligerently. "Whenever he encounters any problem without an immediate solution, he seeks his brother!" 

"Oh?" Loki said. "I thought he would seek his mother?" 

"First he consults you," Hogun said, shrugging. "And then, if you ignore him, he seeks his mother." 

"Hmm," Loki said. "But Lady Sif is a confusing woman. I have no idea how to assist her with her mad ravings." 

Hogun laughed. 

"There are better women, Hogun," Loki added, hesitantly. "Is your heart really set on Lady Sif?" 

Before Hogun could reply, Lady Sif decided to jump back into the cave and scream, "Aha!" 

"Thank Morgana," Loki said, huffing impatiently. "Sit down, Lady Sif! You're worse than a toddling babe!" 

"No, I am not!" Lady Sif said, smirking. "However, I am also confident when I say that I do not want to lay with Hogun. At any point! For any reason?" 

"Yes, yes," Loki said, rolling his eyes. "I understand." 

"No, you do not!" Lady Sif shouted. "You are a foolish man, Prince Loki!" 

Loki chuckled. "So you love to tell me every full moon." 

"You cannot blame the full moon, Loki," Lady Sif insisted. "I blame your thick skull." 

"Very well," Loki said. "We can blame my thick skull. Please stay away from the snow? You'll catch your death, Lady Sif." 

Blushing furiously, Lady Sif scowled and said, "I will not!" 

Then she threw herself outside again. 

"What has gotten into that woman?" Loki said. "She's worse than a mad bull!" 

Hogun chuckled. "I have no idea?" 

Loki squinted at him. 

Hogun studied his hands as if they held the secrets of all the nine realms. 

"What is it, Hogun?" Loki said, softly. "Another secret?" 

Quickly, Hogun shook his head. 

Loki was mentally preparing to shake the man down for information when, suddenly, he could hear Thor shouting over the blizzard. 

"But where is Loki?!" Thor shouted. "Brother! Can you hear me?!" 

"Yes!" Loki shouted back. "Calm down, brother!" 

Thor and Lady Sif jumped into the cave. 

They were both shivering, but Thor looked half frozen. 

Immediately, Loki sprang forward and began stripping off Thor's outer layer. The clothes were completely soaked through and stiff with frost, so he knew they would do Thor more harm than good. 

Lady Sif and Hogun also knew this, so they politely averted their gazes while Loki quickly stripped off his own tunic in order to replace the clothing Thor had lost. 

"How long were you running around out there?" Loki said, disapprovingly. "Why didn't you find shelter? And where is Fandral?" 

"He is safe with Volstagg," Thor said, sighing in relief as he donned Loki's warmer tunic and tucked his hands under his armpits. "I had to search for you, brother. I could not leave you in the cold."

"I'm not in the cold," Loki snapped. "I was smart enough to find shelter! You should have done the same." 

Thor shrugged. 

"Please, take my tunic, Prince Loki!" Hogun said. "I cannot allow you to go without." 

"I'm fine in the cold!" Loki shouted. "Would you barbarians settle yourselves down? You're worse than headless chickens!" 

"Now you've done it," Lady Sif said, laughing. "Prince Loki is going to scold us like a disappointed mother." 

"Yes, I am!" Loki said. "You lot are parading around like naughty children, these days! I ought to put a stop to it!" 

For some reason, all three of them laughed good naturedly. 

Loki frowned in confusion. 

"What?" Loki said. "What is it?" 

"It has been decades since you quested with us, Loki," Thor said, cheerfully. "We missed your company." 

Loki huffed. "Don't stroke my ego. This is a serious problem, Thor! Can I trust you silly warriors to quest without me if this is how you conduct yourselves?" 

"Aha!" Hogun said. "No, you cannot, Prince Loki." 

"I beg your pardon?" Loki said, incredulously. 

"Silence!" Lady Sif said, hastily. "You are sworn to silence, Hogun!" 

Loki rolled his eyes. 

"I love you, Loki," Thor said, throwing his arms around his irritated brother. "Can we sit ourselves down and enjoy a campfire song?" 

Loki shoved him off. 

"I'm done with this quest!" Loki shouted. "I loathe Midgard! I'll never return!" 

"As is your right, Prince Loki!" Hogun said. 

"Wh-what?!" Loki said. 

"Silence!" Lady Sif shrieked. 

"You will not silence me!" Loki yelled. "I will not be silenced!" 

"Heimdall!" Thor shouted. "Bring us home!" 

Just like that, the quest was over. Heimdall activated the Bifrost and brought them all home. 

He even located Fandral and Volstagg. 

"Why did you run around in the snow in the first place, Thor!" Loki shouted, as soon as they reached Asgard. "You might have caught your death!" 

Thor only laughed. 

"I'm never going on another quest," Loki insisted. 

"We will wait patiently, brother," Thor said. "You will enjoy the next quest better than the last?" 

"No, I will not!" Loki said. "I really mean it! I will not quest with you and your foolish warriors!" 

Thor smirked. "You always say that, Loki." 

This time, Loki was determined to prove himself an honest man. 

So that was the last quest he went on with Lady Sif and the Warriors Three. 

Chapter Text

Free Guy Nott