Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Another summer day for the history books.", Candace Flynn sighed, wallow-eating through a grilled cheese sandwich she'd generously classify as "more enjoyable than a root canal". The TV blared through the pitch black living room, showing some schlocky sci fi movie from the 50's. "Subtle", she grumbled, but the remote was a whole cushion away, and right now that seemed an Odyssey too far for the ginger teen.

Candace’s frustration was not totally unreasonable: She had dedicated a significant portion of her day to spiralling paranoia concerning her brother, Ferb, and a dumb alien movie they had seen. "It wasn’t even busting! At least that gets my blood pumping, and not in the anxiety way.", Candace complained, taking another bite of the sandwich. Still, the darkness was soothing and quiet, unlike her...

"Aagh! Glowing eyes!", Candace screamed, falling over the couch and onto the floor, after witnessing two dark blue eyes materialize before her. Getting up from the tangle she was in, Candace shook and shivered until she caught a familiar wisp of green and rolled her eyes accordingly. "Great. Haven't you scared me enough today, Ferb?"

The dark blue eyes narrowed (in mock? In shame? In curiosity?), and soon, the inky night dissipated and formed into Ferb Fletcher, one of two little brothers she had a... Complicated relationship with.

Candace slowly dusted herself off and kept her stare on Ferb. The boy hadn't responded, but that was par for the course. What confused her was that he hadn't yet moved on to his room. "It’s kinda late for you, isn’t it? Don't you wanna catch enough Z's so you can wake up bright and early to carpy dee em or whatever?", Candace questioned, her usual suspicious tone swirling together with a hint of puzzlement.

Ferb didn't respond, which again, was pretty normal.

But Candace wasn't known for her patience. "Um, hello, Earth to Ferb? The day is over, the moon is out, and I'm trying to ignore how badly my day went by focusing on this crappy sandwich!", she yelled, only for Ferb to silence her with one sentence.

"You noticed all that about me?"

Candace wasn't often lost for words, a fact her mother could definitely attest too. But there's a first time for everything.

Placing her sandwich down and staring right into her brother's eyes, which revealed nothing of the soul that carried them, she raised a worried eyebrow. "Yeah... Of course I did."

Ferb just kept standing there. Candace wondered if maybe he fell asleep standing up ("He has elephantine tendencies..."), but Ferb then added another surprise: a second sentence so soon after his first.

"Even the silence?"

Candace was once more confused, until she realised what he meant, the silence she had mentioned to Phineas, and her eyes widened. "Ferb, of course I noticed... Why wouldn't I? I mean, who has a silence like yours?", she chuckled to break the awkward silence, but it simply maintained it.

Ferb finally moved, then. Onto the couch.

Candace sighed and accepted she wasn’t gonna be left alone, so instead she scooched over to give him some room, as he made himself comfortable. As he did, she observed how his legs barely reached halfway to the ground. She forgot how small he was.

Ferb's last sentence for the day was already too hard to choke out. But for her sake, he forced the words out, before retreating to the safety of his silence. "It... Must have been scary."

Candace had been in a torrid mood all night. But now, on that squishy couch, in the oddly comfortable warmth of a pitch black room, with only the chitter chatter of a low volume TV orchestrating their silent shared gaze, she afforded him another rarity: a genuine affectionate smile.

"Scarier than any silly movie."

Ferb stayed awake a lil more as Candace drifted off. As his eyes fluttered shut, one comforting thought from a confusing and slightly emotional day pulsated among hundreds of calculations and diagrams:

"Of course I noticed".

Of course.

As simple and obvious as 2 + 2.

What a thought.

Meanwhile...

"The Chronicles of Meap! Episode 39: Make Someone's Skin Meap".

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Meap was no fan of prison spaceships, but he figured that a current large part of his dissatisfaction came from being shot at by a wanted alien. Dodging all 3 blasts, Meap grinned mockingly as the escaping prisoner dropped the gun from his mouth. Using his universal translated device, he barbed "I was told you were ahead of the other prisoners in intelligence. I didn't know how literal they were."

The prisoner, mentally willing his protective glass jar to close its tiny opening, grunted in frustration borne of decades of similar treatment. "Perhaps if fate were not such a cruel mistress, I'd have recieved the hands and legs a head like mine deserves."

"Well, Jar-Vis, if that were true, you wouldn't have tried to conquer Orchestranus.", Meap tutted, unable to comprehend the greed that lay in the hearts of men. As he put away Jar-Vis' blaster, he added "And maybe you should have kept your power a secret. Practically every corner of this galaxy knows you can mentally swap bodies with anyone else, unless they wear protective hats.", Meap pondered, straightening his pirate hat.

Soon, he'd grab the jar, and all of Jar-Vis' hard work to bounce away would be for naught. Only a cosmic coincidence could...

RING RING!

"Oh, this isn't the time. Excuse me one second?", Meap asked politely, as he whipped out his intergalactic video caller. The callers? None other than...

"Phineas, Ferb! How pleasant to see you! Thanks again for fixing Garbog's ship! I assume you want to update me on it? I'd be glad to chat, I'm just a little busy re-arresting this pesky would be conqueror...", Meap began to explain, as Jar-Vis snuck a peak at the screen. His great intelligence came in handy again: These were Terrans. And the Solar System was a known galactic blindspot. If these seemingly handy boys didn't know about his power...

So Jar-Vis kept quiet as he was led back into his cell, with only one thought pulsating through a mind bursting with calculations and diagrams:

The coordinates leading to Danville on the planet Terra...

Chapter Text

In space, it’s hard to tell when night has actually fallen. The outside offers no clues, nor does a spaceship’s inner settings. In a way, you simply rely on your body to tell you when the time is right.

Jar-Vis had no such luxury. Bowlvanians have nothing more to their makeup than a head and that protective jar. The weak simply accepted the odd sleeping hours, the disadvantage.

Jar-Vis was many things. Weak was not one of them.

Months in this hellhole had got him accustomed to the habits of those with an internal clock. He couldn’t feel the night, nor see it, but he could damn well hear it.

It announced itself with the tapping of the night guard’s shoes, the only one among the staff to do so, when everyone else kept a tighter watch during the day.

It resounded gloriously with the PA system’s declaration of restocking in the cells, which meant a very generously titled “feeding time”.

And it came with a clunk. A clunk from the auto navigating system. A clunk that came every single night at exactly 3:26, for that clunk was the sound of the washing machine door closing shut, loaded every night by the other night guard, O-Rango, who would always pass Jar-Vis’ cell with the key hanging from his right facing pocket right about now. Only this time, Jar-Vis had use for it.

So, with bloodshot eyes and a trembling mouth biting onto that key with all his worth, Jar-Vis spent the next fifteen minutes slowly turning the key inch by inch until the door opened without a sound. Then, rolling away from the fluorescent green lights that turned on and off by the halls, able to instantly zap you with a pain worse than death, Jar-Vis took 3 lefts and 5 rights to reach the garbage chute.

“An unsuspecting escape pod. The fools will release it in exactly 14 minutes from now, and thanks to my calculations, the pod will lean from my weight just enough to come into the gravitational pull of the nearest planet to our craft: Terra.”, Jar-Vis monologued to himself, deathly proud of his achievement.

“Of course, if I had what was denied of me but not of inferiors, I could have escaped long ago. But I suppose turning everyone into bodiless husks will suffice.”

And so, after waiting silently in the muck and grime of the prisons inane amount of wasted food, Jar-Vis was finally launched into space at 4:00 on the dot, with one planet soon reflecting in his transparent dome.

Terra. A.K.A, Earth.

THUNK! The pod landed inside a trash can. “Fitting.”, Jar-Vis rolled his eyes, now forced to smack into the can to make it tip over and free him. “This universe has been crafting prisons for me since I was wee sand grains inside the planetary core.”

Careful not to smack too hard, lest he crack his jar and really limit his actions, Jar-Vis finally managed to make the can CLUNK onto the ground, rolling himself away from the dirt and banana peels. “Now, if I know my coordinates, and I do, I should be just a few hops away from…”

He gasped, recognizing the tree from the video call. “Those two terran’s house! What were their names again? Phineas and Ferb? Yes, those!”

He kept on hopping, not even needing to open the fence, as Linda Flynn-Fletcher was already passing through. “Thank you, ma’am. I’ll be sure to make you transform last when I take over.”, Jar-Vis bowed in gratitude, moving along towards the backyard.

“That’s nice, Ferb.”, Linda said absent mindedly, as she prepared to drive away to some spin class or other.

Dewdrops stuck to his dome, but Jar-Vis didn’t mind. “These mere blades of grass are no match for me soon. You hear that, world? Soon I shall tower over you with the body of… Hmm, I haven’t actually chosen yet. Might need to scout a little.”

As he said this, he suddenly bumped into this strange teal looking creature. Jar-Vis almost thought it was an alien too, but it carried that oxygen stench this area of the universe was known for. Putrid.

The two creatures froze. Jar-Vis knew that his dome often fogged up when exposed to air, so with luck, this semi-aquatic egg-laying mammal of action wouldn’t see that there was a lifeform lurking inside.

They stood there for a few moments, neither blinking. Finally, satisfied, the creature turned around.

“Excellent.”, Jar-Vis chuckled triumphantly, turning around too.

The creature then stood on its hind legs and placed some odd fedora on top.

The two turned around, back in their hidden forms, confused.

A few more seconds passed.

Then both turned around again, shrugged, and kept on their separate missions.

Reaching the tree, Jar-Vis eagerly awaited the arrival of his potential vessels, and they did not disappoint. Near instantly, he saw the ginger triangular Terran and the cylindrical green Terran stroll happily along towards the gigantic tree. “Do all terrans look this abnormal?”, wondered Jar-Vis.

“So, Ferb, I was thinking we could…”, Phineas started, only to notice a glint from the grass. “Ooh, I think I found something!”, he enthused, making Jar-Vis panic as the stubby appendages reached closer. “Fog up, fog up!”, he prayed, as the jar did so, to his fortune.

“Looks like some kind of jar!”, Phineas announced, scratching his head. “Or a bowl. It’s got this opening on top, but no lid. Wonder what’s in it.”

As Phineas reached his finger in, Ferb staring curiously at the object, Jar-Vis operated on instinct and bit out.

“Owch! Whatever it is, it’s bitey!”, Phineas chuckled, waving his red finger around. “I’m gonna get some protective gloves. Mind watching this for me, Ferb?”, Phineas asked, and before Ferb could even nod, he tossed it over to his brother, who caught it without blinking once. A look of familiar affection blazed through Ferb’s eyes, as he saw his brother enter the house. Ferb chose not to talk to most. He didn’t even need to with Phineas.

And so, with nothing more to do but observe, Ferb chose to do just that. After all, what could possibly be in that jar? Perhaps a fish of some kind, or even a creature? Ferb often enjoyed those. He hoped it was a lizard. Perhaps it could grow gigantic again.

So excited at the possible options, Ferb couldn’t help but take a closer peak. Unfortunately, he didn’t wear a hat of any kind.

And Jar-Vis only needed one look to both make up his mind for which Flynn-Fletcher brother to snatch, and to do just that.

When Phineas walked back to the yard, he was surprised to find “Ferb”, but no jar whatsoever. “Hey, where did the jar go?”, he asked, confused, tapping his chin. “That usually happens at the end of an episode… Of our lives.”

“Oh, um, it was a tad too aggressive, Phineas, old lid. Had to toss it away.”, “Ferb” replied, his whole body below his head shaking from the added weight.

“Oh, well, I trust your judgement!”, Phineas replied, which was a nice sentiment, aimed at the wrong person. “Though what did you mean by old lid? Is that a British phrase I haven’t heard of?”

“...Yes. British. That.”, “Ferb” confirmed, sweating profusely. No one had told him how heavy these bodies were.

Then, Candace walked in, up to her usual busting ways. “Ferb” couldn’t believe how tall she was, like some sort of Jee-Spot from Allteaatiude 6! “Perhaps I was too hasty with my snatching. Oh, well, too late for that.”, “Ferb” mused, as he saw the triangular ginger giant thunder towards them.

“Phineas and Ferb, what are you… Oh, haven’t you started yet?”, Candace asked, surprised. It wasn’t like them to be so lethargic. It was 20 minutes past busting.

“Oh, sorry, Candace! We thought we found our big idea, but Ferb found it a little too much. We’ll have to go over the blueprints. Shouldn’t take too long.”, Phineas apologized nicely, hoping he hadn’t let Candace down. He knew she enjoyed trying to bust them… For some reason.

“Ugh, great! I got all worked up for noth…”, Candace started, only to freeze. She couldn’t help but feel like… Something sounded off.

“Candace? You okay?”, Phineas asked, snapping his fingers to get her attention. Candace, staring right at “Ferb”, shook her head, blinking rapidly. Rubbing her eyes, she groaned. “Sorry, I got a little distracted there. Just thought I didn’t hear something strange.”

“Didn’t hear?”, Phineas asked, and “Ferb”, lost at this interaction, simply shrugged, struggling to lift his cumbersome arms.

“I’m probably just still on edge after yesterday.”, Candace admitted sheepishly. Looking back, she felt awfully silly for all that paranoia.

Phineas patted her back comfortingly, hoping to help. “Maybe you should take a day off, to get your head back in the game.”

“That’s not a bad idea. Gotta be in peak physical condition to bust you boys.”, Candace admitted, ruffling Phineas’ hair, who chuckled warmly. “All right, I’ll let you two off. But just for today!”

Then she wagged her finger at “Ferb”, smirking at him as if to warn him. “Ferb” gulped.

“Well, I better get those blueprints! Be back in just a sec!”, Phineas cried, rushing back into the house, eager to see what the day had in store.

“Ferb”, on the other hand, was already quite pleased with how his day was going. “Didn’t expect this thing to be so unwieldy, but I’ll find my footing soon enough.”, “Ferb” (of course, Jar-Vis) sneered, rubbing his hands in glee. “Oh, oh I like that. That’s fun.”

After all, he had gotten rid of the evidence.

Thanks to his quick call to the Interplanetary police and his placing of “Jar-Vis” (of course, Ferb) into the garbage pod in the trash can, no one suspected a thing, and no one believed “Jar-Vis’” claims of not being Jar-Vis (thanks to a quick hat change he found in the trash can).

And so, as Jar-Vis awaited his new brother Phineas to arrive with the blueprints, Ferb, now just a strange green head in a jar, knocked his forehead into the dome and onto the glass window of the transport ship over and over, eyes twitching in fear, praying that somehow someone would see him, at least be curious.

But no one did. As the ship broke the atmosphere, Ferb could only see the big blue planet now, one he had seen from this distance many a time, but never quite this coldly.

And after trying so hard that he cracked his jar, all he could utter was a faint, broken word.

“...Phineas.”

Chapter Text

“I’m on a breaaaak, yes I’m on a brea-brea-break break!”, Candace singsonged happily as she sashayed across the kitchen, fetching sandwich ingredients. While normally she would have hated to take a day off from busting, her nerves were so high strung from yesterday’s events that she welcomed the sudden respite. Tossing a bag of kaiser buns into the air and bumping them onto the counter with her hip, she giggled in that slightly worrying way, eagerly anticipating her day off. “This is gonna be GREAT! With no Phineas and Ferb on my mind, I can do ANYthing I want!”.

She counted the possibilities on her fingers. “I could daydream about Jeremy, I could continue scrapbooking in my Jeremy Journal, I could plan our vow renewal ceremony, I already planned our wedding after all… Oh, and how about this for an out there idea? I could call Stacy and ask her what she’s gonna bring to the renewal ceremony! Oh, that is INSANE! I am INSANE!”.

As she began making thin slices of roast beef, the knife’s rhythmic pattern matching with her excited heartbeat, a certain familiar tuft of green hair passed her. Feeling chipper enough to extend a kindness, Candace whistled for “Ferb’s” (actually, Jar-Vis) attention. “Hey, Ferb! Before you make some dumb space rocket or cow farm or eyeball teleporter, you up for some lunch?”

The boy froze, in a way that felt a tad off to Candace. He wasn’t one to stiffen up like that, most times anyway. Then, he slowly turned around, his arms and legs oddly droopy. It was as if they had suddenly become heavy to the kid. Still, she figured perhaps he was just a little tired from whatever hard work he and Phineas were up to. “Now, let’s see… You’d like…”, she began guessing, closing one eye in concentration, only for her brother to point just at the meat and arugula leaves.

Pouting, she pointed at her heart in mock hurt. “Ferb, you didn’t even let me guess! I know I never win “What Does Ferb Want in his Sandwich”, but at least give a girl a chance!”

“Ferb” momentarily opened his mouth, then closed it. Another queer happening. Ferb was never unsure of what to say, at least, he usually wasn’t unsure. Maybe he was just having a weird day.

“Well, I’ll call you when it’s done!”, Candace cried out, as he shimmied away, almost limping. “Weird. Well, he’s weird, but even for him, you know? I’ll ask Phineas later if he’s okay.”, Candace made a note for herself, but forgot, so swept up she was later in thoughts of Jeremy.

But even a lovestruck teenage girl eventually stops thinking of the object of her infinite affections, as day slowly shifted into night, and “Ferb” gradually grew in her radar.

There was how he hammered away at what later turned out to be a giant hamster wheel (which she would have LOVED to bust on another day. Maybe she could ask them to make it again). It was slow but heavy, when Ferb’s hammering was fast and efficient. “A new hammer he’s not used to, I guess?”, Candace mused, as she typed away at a fanfic of her saving Jeremy with Spider-Man powers.

Then, there was how he looked at his friends, when Isabella, Baljeet and Buford inevitably showed up. He seemed intimidated by them, downright terrified of the latter. Timid and settled in the background, eyes shifting all over the place. Ferb often removed himself from the group to focus on work, but not because he was scared. “Most unFerblike.”, Candace observed, as she made out with her Jeremy teddy bear.

He seemed to hate how sunny it was: He kept ducking into shades, when there weren’t any animals around. Those he especially seemed to dislike. It was like he had never seen any before.

And WHY was he so angry when he saw a jar fall out of the trash can? Why did she smash it into smithereens?

“Wait, what am I doing?”, Candace thought, face palming, dropping her scrapbook onto her face. “Ow.”

She shook it off and shrugged at herself, laughing at her foolish behavior. “Look at me, suspecting something’s wrong with Ferb again! He’s probably just having a bad day or something! Come on, Candace, let it go! What, you wanna look like a fool again?”.

Her cheeks turned red as she remembered how Phineas treated her worries. How her mother laughed about it all during dinner. Even her father thought it rather silly.

Only Ferb had been kind enough to see beyond her hysteria. To see that her panic came from a place of care, not madness.

“Whatever.”, she muttered, returning to her scrapbooking. What was past was past. For now, there was no reason to mock her. That was better than nothing.

But this thought would only remain strong a while longer. For once night fell…

“Oh, be quiet…”, Candace yawned and hushed her rumbling stomach, as she tip toe’d down the stairs in her pink pajamas. “I know, you’re still hungry. Somehow. We had two slices of pie, for pete’s sake.”

Her stomach rumbled again.

“Yes, I know that I usually forget to eat when I bust. But I didn’t starve myself today at all! Ugh, if it keeps you quiet, I’ll eat. But if I look like a fattie in the morning, no food for two days, buddy!”, Candace cursed her body’s needs, as she reached the final step. “Mr. Squeaker. We meet again.”, she gave the step a stink eye. How many times had it given her away before? “Too bad I can easily overstep you. Not so smart, huh?”, she stuck a tongue out at the step, only to trip and fall on the carpet, getting a lot of platypus hair in her face. ‘Eww! Perry, if you’re shedding, learn how to speak so you can tell me!”, she whispered angrily, wiping it off her clothes in disgust. “Great, Teal and Pink are SO out.”

Trudging into the kitchen and scratching her butt, Candace grunted in annoyance, squinting. “Which genius left the fridge open?”, she wondered aloud, only to notice that someone indeed was there. The familiar tuft of green hair told her instantly who it was. “Oh, it’s you, Ferb. Hey, if you’re getting some pie, hand me over a slice. We can always blame it on Perry.”, she chuckled, only to notice another strange thing: The fridge’s light was green.

“Eww, Ferb, are you, like, working on something in there? Gross! Plus, I am WAY too tired to bust. At least have the common curtsey to wait until I’m ready…”, Candace started complaining, only to hush up and gasp, eyes widening, as she realized what the green glow was.

It was “Ferb”. His eyes.

His DARK BLUE eyes.

And they were shining GREEN.

“Nice… Goggles?”, Candace asked in trepidation, backing off a bit, as “Ferb”, holding the fridge open with his mouth, shut off the glow in a hurry. Smiling sheepishly, he stammered “Y…Yes. Goggles.”

Candace raised an eyebrow as long as her neck. “You know, you’ve been acting weird ALL day, Ferb. Well, you always do. But, like, super MEGA weird!”

“Ferb” gulped, which sounded very strange. It was like he had no neck before, so he made these odd near choking noises.

He was lucky, though. Candace was FAR too tired to follow up on her suspicions. “Oh, well, maybe I’m just tired. I don’t know. I mean, after yesterday, I really don’t need another day of being mocked. Just scooch over so I can get my pie.”

He did so, and soon, Candace was armed with a plate full of cherry goodness and a glass of milk. “Night, Ferb.”, Candace nodded, beginning to go back upstairs.

“Night, step-sis.”

And that’s when Candace felt all the hairs stand up on her neck.

Slowly turning around, gazing into her brother, whose skin seemed to barely fit, whose arms and legs kept shaking, whose eyes were so empty of the light usually emanating from them, Candace ventured forth a terrified question. “What… Did you say?”

“Night, step-sis? Are we not step siblings? Is Phineas not my step-brother?”, “Ferb” replied, shrugging in confusion. Candace’s mouth gaped open a tad, then closed shut. She felt as uncomfortable as if she were wearing a sweater made of eyelashes. “I… I mean, yeah, we are…”.

“Then that’s that.”, “Ferb” settled it, leaving towards his and Phineas’ room. He actually slept peacefully that night, for the first time in years.

But Candace didn’t.

Candace stayed up for hours, pie uneaten, milk undrank, her eyes twitching in mortification.

“Ferb” had done many strange things that day, but those could all be marked down as coincidence.

But Ferb had NEVER called her or Phineas step-siblings. Because Ferb didn’t even consider them that. He had seen them as his blood brother and sister from the moment he first laid eyes on them.

A small detail, perhaps. One miniscule to most.

And Candace, as much as she hated to admit it, didn’t know Ferb as well as she knew Phineas. She often wished that she did.

But she knew Ferb would never use that particular phrase. He valued the words he chose. And he chose her and Phineas as his sister and brother each and every time.

As dawn hit, so did a realization.

“That’s… Not… Ferb.”, she muttered, first in fear…

Then in rage.

Chapter Text

Once she gathered some evidence and everyone was up and about, Candace made sure to convene them in her panic room (which she had only chosen not to sleep in out of fear that the imposter Ferb might do something terrible she couldn’t hear). The room was a tight fit, to say the least, and while Lawrence and Phineas grew uncomfortable, accidentally elbowing each other, Linda grew impatient. “Okay, Candace, what is it THIS time?”, she asked with a fed up tone. One could understand it; Linda was, from her perspective, dealing with a high strung teenage girl that seemed to be suffering from mass hallucinations.

Candace, meanwhile, was pacing back and forth, clutching onto her old stuffed bear, Mr. Miggins. Every once in a while, between panicked rushed gasps of air, she let out a terrified giggle. She shouldn’t have been glad for one moment, but finally being proven right would have been a breath of fresh air. “This has NOTHING to do with the crazy things Phineas and Ferb do that only you don’t notice, Mom.”

“How very nice of you. I have a cooking lesson in 5 minutes, can you make it snappy?”, Linda sighed, crossing her arms and leaning snugly onto her husband, who awkwardly nodded too. “I don’t mean to be in a rush, darling, but I too need to get to the antique store. Do try and be swift, won’t you?”

“Yeah, Ferb and I are itching to build a flying shopping cart!”, Phineas explained, hoping he wasn’t making Candace feel bad for convening them here. “Don’t encourage her, dear.”, Linda implored Phineas, wishing he wouldn’t feed into her daughter’s madness.

Candace fought back a remark. She could file that away with all the other passive aggressive insults she had received over the months from her mother. Right now, there were FAR more pressing concerns. “I know you’re gonna be doubtful, but trust me when I say it this time: Ferb HAS been replaced by an alien!”

“Oh, we’re doing this one again? I guess it’s a little less overdone compared to the usual busting nonsense.”, Linda figured, shrugging this off. Candace could already see it happening, her family’s questioning/tired looks, their clear ignorance of what was so important to her. Pleading with her hands in a prayer, Candace begged them to listen. “Please, hear me out. I’m not seeing things!”

“All right, Candace. What’s your proof?”, Linda asked, while Phineas and Lawrence grew a tad more uncomfortable, and not from the panic room’s minuscule dimensions.

Candace, ready for this, smirked as she revealed a tiny projector with pictures. “Ooh, a slideshow! I DO enjoy those!”, Lawrence admitted, clapping his hands, while Phineas ate popcorn from out of nowhere. Linda rolled her eyes.

Candace turned on the first slide, the flash nearly blinding all in the room, but her. Her eyes were too bloodshot and darkened to care right now. Appearing before them was an image of “Ferb”, blinking and looking not very photogenic, with a cutout photo of a sandwich glued next to him. “Yesterday, when I was making some sandwiches, this “Fraudulent Ferb”, to coin a phrase, didn’t let me guess what he wanted!”

“...And?”, Linda and Lawrence asked, confused as to the importance of this, while Phineas seemed momentarily surprised but not all that bothered. “Maybe he just forgot you do that, Candace. He was in a bit of a haze yesterday, it happens.”

“Well, yes, this wasn’t my A exhibit A, but… Look, I have more, okay?”, Candace scrambled around, flustered, as she placed in the next slide, revealing a picture of herself in a Ducky Momo costume talking to a guy who looked an awful lot like Wallace Shawn. “Oh, crap, that’s from my Ducky Momo production of “My Dinner with Andre”, how did that get in there?”

She clicked and a different slide with Ducky Momo lifting a sword appeared. “Ducky Momo production of “Braveheart”.”

Click! “Ducky Momo production of “Thor: Ragnarok”.”

Click! “Oh, that’s a picture of Jeremy, ain’t he dashing? He slips on banana peels so hunkily!”

Click! “Oh, wow, I forgot about the Ducky Momo production of “Imagine That”, starring Eddie Murphy. Imagine that!”

“Starring Eddie Murphy.”, Phineas quipped.

“Candace, can we PLEASE get to the actual pictures?”, Linda implored, and Candace, getting worried about her chances of convincing, finally reached the important slides.

It showed “Ferb” being all shy and reserved next to his friends; “Ferb” hammering in an odd way; “Ferb” smashing the jar; and “Ferb” suddenly glowing green after Candace caught him that morning in a dark corner and snapped a pic.

But only Candace seemed to grow in confidence. She could see their faces grow more and more confused. Why… Why couldn’t they see what she saw? “Guys, don’t you see all this? Ferb doesn’t behave like this!”

“Maybe he’s just having a weird day, Candace. You could relate.”, Linda barbed in her way, but this was becoming one remark too many for Candace, who stomped her foot. “Stop that! Stop treating me like I’m crazy! I’m telling you, this isn’t “Ferb”! Even his silence is different, see?”, she pointed out, playing a recording of this “Ferb’s” silence.

“Candace, please, just stop with all this made up nonsense.”, Linda implored. “It just doesn’t seem likely, Candace.”, Lawrence stated, rubbing the back of his neck. Phineas stood up, hoping he could calm his sister down, the ginger girl breathing heavily and looking like she was either gonna scream or cry. “I admit that his silence sounds a bit different, but I think we’d all notice if he was replaced by an alien.”

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Candace giggled crazily as she bent one of the slides, shattering it to pieces. “Oh, oh that’s RICH! You’d NOTICE? The most oblivious family in the whole tri-state area would NOTICE?!”

“Watch your tone, Candace, it’s not nice to…”, Linda began, but Candace cut her off, pointing right at her eyes. “Oh, cut it, mom! The whole frikin world knows the boys make these crazy inventions except you! Even dad knows! Yet you just walk blindly through life, happily cutting me to pieces with every little crack!”

“Candace, please calm down…”, Phineas tried to place a hand on her shoulder, but she slapped it away. “And you? You’re the only one who doesn’t know Isabella’s crazy for you!”

“She’s… She’s what?”, Phineas asked, eyes wide, cheeks stinging with a blush already. His heart began to race as he thought back to all the times Isbella had been kind of… Flirty.

“Candace, please… Let’s discuss this like a family.”, Lawrence pleaded, but Candace shook her head in disgust, leaving the panic room. “We can’t, dad. Your son isn’t actually here. And if no one else is gonna bother facing the truth, I will.”

“What are you doing?”, Linda questioned, as Candace marched out of the house and towards the high noon. All 3 remaining Flynn Fletcher’s watched her in concern, unsure of what to do.

“Saving Ferb. You’re all welcome to join me once you pull your heads out of your asses.”, Candace remarked angrily, biking off in a huff.

The dust settled, and the trio looked at each other with uncertain glances. “...She’s probably just going through some teen angst. She’ll calm down by the evening.”, Linda ascertained, though she didn’t sound very confident.

“Yes, I… I’m sure she’s just sleep deprived…”, Lawrence suggested, biting his lip in worry.

“Yeah, that’s… That’s probably it. I better go talk to Ferb, reassure him that Candace isn’t mad at him.”, Phineas said, watching on sadly at the bike trail on the road. “...Hope you feel better, sis.”

Candace was not going to feel better, though. Not until she had a ride to space.

Thankfully, she knew the one person kooky enough to let her borrow a rocket to space.

Well, one of three people, but she didn’t trust “Ferb” to be of much assistance.

Instead, Candace chose a decidedly different option…

“You want me to build you a rocket ship?”, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, still in bathrobe and bunny slippers, scratched his head in confusion at the sudden presence of the teenage girl before him, whose dark and dreary disposition did not reflect the beautiful sunny day before them. Placing a long finger under his chin, Doof (as he was affectionately known) hummed in consideration. “I mean, it DOES sound like something I’d do, and I’m up to much today, as you can see by my clothing. I mean, look at me, I look like a divorcee who shacks up with a robot… Oh, wait. That is me. Oh joy.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, your life sucks, boo hoo, will you just let me in?!”, Candace demanded, tapping her foot impatiently on the “Welcome (unless you’re Perry the Platypus, or the tax collector, or the mailman, or the guy I accidentally shrunk… Look, just don’t come in)!” mat. “Vanessa said you make crazy stuff like my brothers, so I would really appreciate it if you could get a move on and get that rocket going, capisce?”

“First of all, I don’t need to make anything, I already have a rocket, like a normal evil scientist. Secondly, Capisce? What are you, a New York mobster? Wait, are you one? Look, I told Freddie that I’ll get the Silverbeets payment as soon as I’m…”, Doof began to spout out in a panic, but Candace simpled pushed past him and trudged into his apartment room, which was housing a strange looking device, painted purple and grey, more like a giant ticket dispenser than anything. “Um, what’s that?”, Candace questioned, about to step onto a Monopoly board. Doof quickly stopped her, breathing a sigh of relief as he caught her just in time. “Phew! Careful, you almost stepped in my Go To Jail trap! It’s for my enemy! And that, well, that’s my “Oopswedon’tknowwhereyourticketis-inator!” See, it all started last wednesday, when my daughter told me to go see a play to get some “culture”. But when I got there, they couldn’t find my tickets, so first they sent me to the wrong preview area, which was about some weird play about a threesome, I think, and then I’m just walking around, I blinded an old lady at some point… Look, the point is, “Picture of Dorian Grey” was “Picture of Dorian Not That Grey-te… Like, great, get it… Anyway, this will make everyone late for their crappy play by about 5 minutes, which will definitely make them feel the pain I felt that day!”, Doof ranted, only to see Candace’s face grow even more impatient. “...Silverbeet?”, he offered on a plate, sheepish.

“WILL YOU JUST GET ON WITH IT?!”, Candace screamed, and Doof, aware of what a teenage girl’s wrath was capable of, rushed to his elevator. “I keep all my space stuff in the bottom floor!”

Candace stepped in, the storm of thoughts in her head roaring harder and harder, shouting out one name: Ferb.

Then, the elevator doors shut, and a familiar song played.

“I’m Lindanna and I wanna have fun! I’m Lindanna and I wanna have fun! I’m Lindanna and I wanna have fun! I wanna, wanna, wanna have fun, fun, fun!”

Candace’s furrowed eyebrows dropped, then raised. “Seriously, dude?”

“I don’t get over ex girlfriends well, okay?”, Doof admitted, snapping his fingers to the beat.

“It was ONE date.”

“Yeah, well, the atom bomb was ONE bomb, didn’t make it any less of a big deal.”

“...Actually, it was two bombs.”

“...Really? I’ve been saying that line for years, oh, come on!”

DING!

The doors opened, and so did Candace’s mouth, gaping as she witnessed a once in a lifetime sight: A towering and tremendous teal and orange colored rocket ship. It was surrounded by strips of metal and rocket fuel kerosenes, not to mention an entire lift off stand for it to, well, lift off. On the side adorned its title: Doof-725.

“Impressive, no?”, Doof bragged, closing his eyes in pride and showing off the rocket with an outstretched arm.

Candace kept gaping, then squinted. “Why does it look like my brother’s pet platypus?”

“I don’t know, why are you ugly? What kinda question is that?”, Doof sassed her, stepping towards his mission control to get it set up.

Candace, making an expression that could be described as a Horse in dire need of anger management, snorted and hissed. “You take that back!”

“You want a rocket? Stop insulting it.”, Doof insisted, adjusting some settings, then tossing Candace an orange astronaut uniform.

As Candace zipped it up, she realized something. “Hey… Why are you helping me?”

“Besides the threat of violence? Nah, not much. You seem to be friends with Vanessa, that’s good enough for me.”, Doof explained, pressing a few more buttons. “Plus, you’re not MY teenage girl, so I don’t feel as concerned about sending you off to space.”

“Charming.”, Candace retorted, tightening her helmet. “Well, if you really wanna know…”

“No, not really, but feel free.”

“...I’m searching for my brother.”

Doof raised an eyebrow. “How did he get lost in space?”

“I believe he got replaced by an alien shapeshifter. Ipso facto, he’s lost in space. And as his big sister who’s in charge, I gotta go out there to save his sorry butt, so he can go back to making crazy inventions with his equally crazy brother, so I can try and bust them.”, Candace ran down her thought process, as she stepped towards the rocket, opening the hatch.

“Huh. Sounds interesting. All I do is try and take over the Tri-State Area and fight a platypus secret agent.”, Doof informed her as he got the turbines going.

“Oh no. I’ve taken a nutjob’s rocket.”, Candace gulped, now suddenly less sure about taking this journey. What WAS she doing? Going off into space with no prep, no weapons, no knowledge of where Ferb could even be? This was rash, impulsive, just the kind of stupid thing her mom would scold her for! “No, I should… I should go back, plan, anything!”, Candace decided, removing her helmet, seconds away from knocking on the door and asking Doof to let her out.

But then…

“Well, personally, I HATE my brother, Roger. He’s the mayor, you know? I’d love to get him lost in space. Always stealing everyone’s attention. What a jerk.”, Doof voiced, preparing a countdown for the rocket.

Candace closed her eyes and grimaced, feeling an ugliness in her heart. She had felt the same way about Phineas and Ferb over the years. She totally understood how Dr. Doofenshmirtz felt.

Yet, it was because of that that her resolve strengthened.

“Yeah, well, my brothers are 100 times better than me, and they never made me feel bad about it once. So if one of them’s lost in space, space is gonna have to get lost…”.

She cracked her knuckles and placed her helmet back on. “Because I’m gonna bust it wide open.”

“Cool! Anyway, you got 5 seconds. I forgot to count down outloud, sorry.”, Doof apologized, putting in earplugs.

Candace gulped, adjusting her seatbelt.

BOOM!!!

And with that, the rocket soared through the open roof and into the atmosphere, soon just a twinkle among the clouds.

Doof stared at the rocket go away, and smiled proudly. “You done good, Doof. You done real good.”

Then, he turned around, and got punched in the face by a familiar teal fist.

Chapter Text

(Midnight, the Stars and You - Al Bowlly)

Ferb had had his fair share of hardships in life, so he didn’t like to complain. Besides, as he would often point out to others when he felt like saying so verbally, complaining led to nothing. Complaining didn’t fix the hinges on the doors of opportunity, it simply kept the door in its place while it had its little pity party.

So no, Ferb was not one to complain about hardships.

But this ship was pretty hard on his new and terrible jar bottom part, so he did complain just a little. Internally. He had a reputation to keep intact.

Scanning the cell he was in, Ferb elected to spend those first few minutes of despair at his surroundings tearing them apart stylistically: He would have definitely designed a far better looking cell. An old fashioned wooden cell door, like those on a pirate ship? It didn’t exactly scream “advanced alien civilization”, now did it? He would have at least settled for a whooshing glass doorway, one all polished and glazed.

The roof didn’t fare much better under his scrutinizing eyes: It was made of a dark violet plastic, more like a pulsating bruise than anything else, and wore many scratches on its outer shell, but not in an aesthetically pleasing way.

He was pretty sure the hole in his cell was for whatever their equivalent of a mouse was, but he didn’t imagine it would be anything impressive, considering the rest of his cell.

“Squeak!”, a walking piece of cheese with fur and legs uttered, grabbing a few crumbs. It saluted Ferb and walked away back into the hole.

Ferb would have loved to wave at the mouse and try and form some kind of useful partnership, but he was sort of missing his arms and legs. Grunting quietly, he attempted to ignore the scream rising in his throat. He felt so naked as just a head in a dinky jar, but the true pain was that all he really had were his eyes, nose and mouth. Ferb didn’t like to talk much at the BEST of times: Was he really going to have to use it to get out of here? If so, it felt a pretty ironic punishment, he thought, attempting to lie back on the wall, but it felt terrible on his cold outer jar rim.

Ugh, that was it. He HAD to get out of here, lest he go mad.

Turning back around, he analyzed the cage door: Outside of a rusty keyhole, one that had seen better days (at least, whatever qualified for a better day in this hellhole), the only other potential escape method was being as small and thin as the walking piece of cheese he had seen. But that required communication, and he’d already been over how he didn’t care for that right now.

Perhaps the roof… If he could climb… Oh, but he had no nails to stick onto the walls.

Well, the walls themselves. He and Phineas had seen a great prison escape movie his mother loved where a man had dug through the wall. Perhaps if… He could attempt to use his teeth…

But one bite of the chunky wall confirmed his worst fear: it was made of painted on steel, not the plastic he had hoped it was. If it was dirt, or even plaster, he would have stomached the effort. But without any tools, he couldn’t break through this.

Sighing, his tired, baggy eyes shifted around the hall outside of his cell. Guards passed to and fro, carrying scary looking laser blasters and shooting dirty looks at each prisoner. No second passed (at least, in the mornings) where a guard wasn’t passing by your cell or dealing with it. Ferb kept looking around to spot any other vital information, and he sure found it: eyeball cameras that never blinked, scanning each cell, especially his. “I suppose the ruffian that snatched my body has earned me this extra hospitality.”, he mused, as the latest guard passing his cell, one with icicle teeth and hands made of dying branches, slid a bowl of… Something supposedly edible towards him. “Eat up, Jar-Vis. Wouldn’t wanna waste your figure.”, the guard mockingly laughed, making Ferb shoot him a dirty look.

“Eh, don’t listen to him. I’m sure you have another cocamamie escape plan. I hope you do. I could use SOME entertainment.”

Ferb’s eyebrows raised at the voice, and he gazed towards its location, across from his cell. There, he saw a bright red alien, one about his normal size when he was in his normal body, if a tad shorter. The alien wore bright green armor, armor that looked a lot like the kind on a space suit, but with different gadgets sticking out of each hole where a button would be: One was a knife made of meteor rock; another was a blaster that looked like a fleshy appendage with a hole for shooting bullets; yet another was corkscrew akin to a tentacle. If that wasn’t alien enough, the figure also had spiky feet encased in silver metal and piercing blue eyes, 3 of them, each one staring at another part of him and seemingly finding humor in all this. The figure also had hair, which was surprising: What wasn’t surprising was that it was all on fire.

Eating away at the “food” like it was all there would ever be in life, the figure spoke up again, with a voice nasally and wheezy. It sounded like the figure was always recovering from a laugh attack. “So, what’s next, neighbor? You gonna try licking the keyhole until it clicks? Because, heads up, I think I’d barf from that. So, honestly, do it, I don’t have other plans.”

Ferb raised an eyebrow at this strange companion, but he figured it could have been worse. He could have been imprisoned in front of someone wanting to kill him.

The neighbor prisoner pointed at his food, axolotl gill like fingers reaching towards him, shimmering and slimy. “You gonna finish that?”

Ferb stared at the “nourishment”. It was a scattering of something akin to mashed potatoes, if mashed potatoes looked like Jupiter’s red spot, jiggled violently, and pussed out an oozing yellow liquid. He gladly shook his head. His neighbor could eat it all up, for all he cared.

“Great, pass it to me.”

Ferb then realized he didn’t know how. With no hands or legs, he deemed it best to hop behind it and push by bouncing towards it. Attempting to do so was… Less easy than it sounded. Every jump felt dizzying, like he was about to crash onto the ground and shatter his protective casing. When he’d finally get a load of his bearings, all his nausea could only seep to and from his head, meaning it stayed on far longer than he was ever used to. By the time he pushed the bowl away, he was green, and not the way he liked to be.

The other prisoner, confused, raised an eyebrow in doubt. “Are you playing with me? Since when do you struggle with such an easy task?”

“Since I got stuck with this infernal body.”, Ferb thought, but he chose not to voice that just yet. He had no idea if this prisoner would accept such a far fetched story.

Tackling the other bowl with gusto (which made Ferb throw up a little in his mouth, which was weird, as he sort of had no stomach… How could he have even digested the food?), the other prisoner burped loudly, sighed, and flipped off the next oncoming guard. “My compliments to the chef. It tastes even worse than before. Truly, an unparalleled achievement!”

What was so weird about the comment was how genuine it sounded. It seemed like the prisoner was honestly impressed by the feat, terrible as it was. Ferb couldn’t help just the tiniest smile. If there was one thing he liked, it was people who were authentically themselves. It was one of countless reasons why he held Phineas so dearly in his heart: Phineas didn’t know how to switch off Phineas. Thank god.

The other prisoner, yawning, leaned back on the wall, as if it were a comfortable pillow. Perhaps, after so long, it was. “Well, if you’re not gonna try and escape, wake me up when you are, Jar-Vis. I’m not feeling like arguing over whose backstory sucks more today, sadly.”

Then, opening all 3 eyes, the prisoner wrinkled their nose, as if something awful was in the air. “Now that I think about it… You haven’t said a word in ages. You’re usually such a chatterbox. What’s up? Latest escape attempt made you blue?”, the prisoner teased, sticking out a forked tongue.

Perhaps Jar-Vis would have bantered or mocked, but Ferb was not like that. All he could do was sigh, and force himself to choke out a sentence that would take care of who he was and why he was there in one go. He would probably have thrown up if he had to say more.

“I wish I was Jar-Vis… Then I’d be back home.”

The other prisoner’s eyes all widened, and they face palmed. “Of course! You… I mean, Jar-Vis, used that switching thingy of his to escape! Ha, the jerk finally did it!”

Sticking out those weird looking fingers again, all the weapons sticking out of them shaking, the prisoner introduced themselves. Or, well, herself. “P. Cassiopezee, but everyone calls me Zee.”

"Ferbs, but everyone calls me Ferb.", Ferb nodded, unable to shake hands. Sheepish, Zee shrugged, eyes closed, rubbing her neck. “Oh, yeah, my bad.”

Ferb blinked gently, making it clear he wasn’t offended. Accidents happened.

“Well, then, if you really aren’t him, bad news, buddy. You’re not just stuck in an alien prison, you’re stuck as its number one prisoner. If you wanna get out, well, you might wanna start giving up. It’s impossible to escape this nightmare.”

While Zee got back onto her sleeping position, hands scraping all her weapons, Ferb pursed his lips, tutting. “Giving up… What a silly notion.”, he thought, glancing around at his surroundings again. Impossible was just a term made by cowards who feared what they were possible of.

And Ferb was many things…

But he never feared the possibilities: He embraced them wholeheartedly.

He would escape this prison, and what more, he would make sure no one noticed he was gone.

“I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I worried them all to death, or God forbid, made them follow me.”, he thought, analyzing his surroundings for the 5th time.

If only he knew…

Chapter Text

Coldplay - Clocks)

The DOOF-725 slowly coursed across the cosmos, its teal and orange colors the only light in a sea of endless darkness and false starlight. On the bridge stood Candace, not knowing where she was going or who she was even looking for, but so fueled by sibling obligation that she would have sailed the stars another thousand years.

“Captain’s Log… Heh, I’ve always wanted to say that.”, Candace admitted to herself with a snicker, as she recorded her thoughts from inside her orange spacesuit. The recorder, which had a sticker of Ducky Momo, Jeremy’s initials, and a tiny photo scrap of Ferb on it, shook from inside her suit as she spoke, hoping her helmet didn’t make her speech echo too much. “It feels like it’s been forever since I set off, which means most likely it’s only been about an hour or two. So far, since I’ve left the milky way behind, I’ve seen nothin’. Nada, zilch, zip, etc. etc. etc. This place is emptier than Perry’s food bowl on big wheel of cheese night. Which is totally a thing my family does.” Candace narrated to herself, the chance at expression soothing her soul. She had to talk to someone about all this, or she’d go mad, and there was no mom to call.

“...No mom.”, Candace choked back a sob, her fingers itching to dial the buttons that would make her hear that voice that so often calmed her down, even when it was a little annoyed or frustrated with her. Just to hear her say that she was dreaming all of this, that she was just hallucinating it all, and why not go back home and have a slice of pie?

“IT’S NOT REAL, IT’S NOT REAL, IT’S NOT REAL, YOU’RE INSANE, YOU’RE JUST DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION, YOU’LL NEVER BE SPECIAL LIKE…”, the words began to echo around her mind, coiling around every neuron and squeezing until she felt like screaming or exploding. She didn’t even know she was shaking and crying when suddenly, one clearer thought broke through the madding crowd and seized her soul with an iron grip: But what if Ferb IS in trouble… And you just gave up?

“...I’d rather everyone called me a psycho than take that chance.”, Candace declared to herself, and she shook out of her stupor… But not fast enough.

ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! The ship screamed out, as Candace finally took note of how fast she was going and at what direction: Straight down. Sometime during her minor breakdown she must have leaned on the controls, and now she was crash landing GOD knows where.

“Okay, okay, no time for self depreciation, just land this baby and figure out where you are!”, Candace ordered herself, aiming her ship as far up as possible, so she could soften the blow. Clouds made of tears and sighs broke through her ship’s face, then more water than Candace saw her whole life. Was the planet all underneath an ocean? Slicing through the salty sea, she shrieked, life flashing through her eyes. It wasn’t anything that amazing. All of that was in the background, while she spent her entire life pursuing it just to stop it. Could she just once use her busting abilities for good?

Before she could answer her own thought, CRASH! She smashed her ship into the ground, the whole rocket wedged in a 90 degree angle from a crack in the road made of cigarette ash. Checking for injuries (and finding none), she opened the hatch and stepped out of the ramp, a dark orange shadow that no one could possibly recognize. Breathing heavily thanks to the excitement, she sounded like a tiger almost. Maybe she was one. A tiger searching for her family’s beloved cub.

Stumbling across the ashen road, she spotted a strange looking building and even stranger looking people. Lanky beings with dagger sharp feathers as skin and tin can beaks; Noodle bodied behemoths with meatball eyes and shark like teeth; Purple humanoids with stained glass eyes and trenchcoat skin; and honey colored faces with two tiny slits for eyes, one giant smiling slit, and pitcher plant petals. The building, which looked like a giant brown and orange cylinder, its attic smoke coming out of the entrance, as if punishing you for even looking at it, was decorated with sesame seed ornaments. “...A seedy joint.”, Candace quipped to herself, wishing Ferb had been there to hear it. He would have probably got a laugh out of it.

“Well, if I know my movies, and I do, if ANYONE is gonna have information about… Well, all I know is that someone swapped bodies with Ferb. But still, if ANYONE is gonna know ANYTHING about body swapping aliens, it’s gonna be the guys at a place like this.”, Candace mused, prepping herself. She had to be tough to get information from whoever frequented this area. She had to feel powerful.

But even at her best days Candace felt like she was faking that feeling. So when she opened the doors and tripped instantly, she knew this would be a lot harder than it had any right to be.

The music (tinny and jagged, like an aluminum knife striking a frying pan) screeched to a halt, the record player on the stage staring at her with annoyance. Seated by the ashtray counter were a ton of variations of the creatures described before, plus a few robots that looked like parking meters with top hats, and they all shot Candace nasty looks. Evidently, strangers weren’t welcome..

Not that Candace was gonna let that stop her. Standing up and dusting herself off, she snatched a universal translator off of a walking liquor bottle shaped woman handing out liquor bottles, and started making demands. “Okay, people, listen up! I’m Candace Flynn of Earth and I’m looking for a boy who goes by the name Ferb Fletcher. He’s about 6 and a half apples tall, he’s got hair as green as that guy over there…”, she pointed at a snot looking thing with arms like those of a bulldozer, who pointed at himself in confusion. “And he’s more important to me than ANY of you idiots, so if anyone here knows about that kid OR about some kind of alien that can swap bodies or brains or whatever, then you better fess up now, or eat through a straw for the next 3 months!”

The threat was pretty impressive. It also fell on deaf ears, as everyone just began laughing, the jeers echoing in her mind. “No one ever listens…”, she growled, tears casing her helmet. Marching up to them, she implored harder. “I have important busting to do back home! I order one of you to tell me where the kid is, or… Or I’ll tell my mom!”

Still nothing.

Desperate and a little taken aback by the coldness, Candace tried once more, standing on a seat, arms out wide. “Come on, have you no heart? A little boy’s in danger!”, she cried, shivers in her heart.

“Terran, let me ask you this…”, one of the purple humanoids with stained glass eyes began talking, as he read a paper with the headline “Feebla-Oot’s Finest: A talk with Super Super Big Doctor”. “Does the boy still retain his body?”

“Um, I don’t think so. Pretty sure he got it snatched by some alien.”, Candace replied, a little lost for words.

“Mmm hmm. Do you know what the body snatcher looks like normally?”

“...No?”

“Do you know where the boy is? What planet he’s on? Or prison ship? Or even the body snatcher’s name?”

“...No.”

“Then, pray tell, how can any of us help you?”, the humanoid concluded, and the rest of the bar erupted into laughs again. This sound, alongside the second hand smoke and the disgusting scent of a liquor seemingly made of liquid core and acid rain made Candace wrinkle her nose and pout. “Ugh, he’s right. I literally know nothing, I just jumped right in! What would Mom say? I’m such a failure!”

Forlorn, she walked off to cry in the corner, shocked at her incompetence. Usually, she had a fighting chance before she failed. Now, not only did she have no leads, she was also stuck on a planet while Ferb was stuck somewhere else.

“This couldn’t POSSIBLY get any worse!”, she wailed, hugging herself…

Only to suddenly get struck from behind.

The last thing she heard, as the dark shadows caressed her eyes shut, were the first laughs Phineas and Ferb had shared when they first met. She couldn’t imagine a world where she never got to hear it one more time…

Chapter Text

When Ferb’s eyelids blinked open, he was confused at first. There was no familiar tuft of red hair from the other bed, nor the wonderful chatter of a lying platypus, nor the smell of breakfast pancakes wafting in from the kitchen. Was he still dreaming?

Then, he rolled onto his side, his jar side, making him roll across the floor with a tink sound, clattering onto the bars. Head spinning from the spill, he tasted his mouth and recognized it as not his own. He wasn’t dreaming anymore, sadly. He was very much awake to the tragedy befalling him.

Still, it wasn’t all bad, he thought, trying to capture the few rays of sun visible in this storm, as Phineas so often would. “It’s quiet. Maybe eerily quiet to most, but I appreciate that sort of thing.”, he mused, taking it in. That was something to kick on from, no?

A noise stirred from the cell in front of him, and Ferb remembered he wasn’t alone. The bright red Cassipezee (Zee for short), who wasn’t quite bright and bushy tailed in the morning, groaned and rose up from the wall, scratching her bright green armor (had she worn it so long, it had become like a second skin?). Noticing her fellow prisoner, she let out a tiny whistle. Ferb wanted to point at himself, but remembered he had no arms. A little frustrated, he made himself bounce up to standing (?) position.

“Mornin’, Ferb. Huh. Is that a common name in your planet?”, she asked, and Ferb shook his head. She grinned. “Not much of a talker, eh?”, she teased, grabbing the bars with those axolotl hands. She looked quite a lot like one, if her flame hair was a tad softer.

Ferb shook his head again.

“Yeah, that’s not my style, but I can respect that. I suppose I’ll do the talkin’ for both of us, eh? I’ll make your introduction to the warden all schmoozy.”, she promised, making kissy faces. “And then, maybe I’ll tell you my five favorite sweaters! I know, I don’t look like I’d wear them, but I wasn’t always sporting this armor look. I doubt you’d get it. Then again, you weren’t always sporting that jar look, so I guess you’d relate.”, she began to motor mouth, but Ferb honestly didn’t mind it. He loved silence, but silence punctured by an infodumper’s spiel was a close second.

Lying back on the cell wall, he wondered to himself about his situation. “This is a most precarious predicament. I’d plan an escape, but I need more information. Perhaps I could be so lucky as to receive a daily schedule explanation from the warden, even though I’m TECHNICALLY not a new prisoner. Oh, but that would be quite the plot contrivance.”

Suddenly, all the cell doors opened, and armed guards showed up by each side, aiming electrical tubes that looked a lot like the beaters in a mixer. The beaters began to spin, the sparks flitting between the top and bottom parts of Ferb’s jar, like 4th of July fireworks.

“All prisoners gather in the yard! The warden got a few new naughty boys, and wants to tell them all about our daily schedule!”, one of the guards yelled.

Ferb couldn’t help a tiny smirk. “I suppose not all my luck’s run out. Maybe there really is a mysterious force, like Candace says.”

(Ain’t That a Kick in the Head - Dean Martin)

In the yard, a multitude of shapes and sizes all stood in equal inequality, prisoners of the Tantalus 7, prisoners of the warden pacing back and forth across from them, surrounded by tough looking guards. He was as thin as the bars of the cells he owned, as tall as seven weiner dogs on their hindlegs on top of each other, and his skin was like a barcode, all black and white and blurry from dirt. He almost looked like an evil humanoid dalmatian, if it weren’t for the whip hands that shot out icy blasts. “Welcome to the Tantalus 7! Congratulations! You are on board the greatest prison ship in the known universe!”

He turned around, and the whips narrowly avoided the ducking prisoners. Ferb sighed in relief, having just avoided it thanks to his size.

“We run a tight ship here, on the Tantalus 7. Let me quickly run our schedule down by you…”, the warden began, turning around once more. Again, the prisoners just about avoided the ice.

“We will wake you up, and you’ll be here, at the yard, for a routine inspection. Those that don’t pass the inspection, will receive an all expenses paid trip!”

One of the new prisoners, a viney sort of figure with purple flowers for facial features, ran up and excitedly asked about it. “To where?”

“Thank you for serving as an example!”, the warden said cheerfully, then hit the prisoner with his whips, sending him flying outwards into space, where he froze and died instantly. “Anyone who interrupts me during inspection goes STRAIGHT TO HELL.”: he smiled, as if he had just told them all they were getting free ice cream.

That got everyone quiet, especially Ferb. Would be hard to get his body back if he was floating around in space, dead.

The warden continued explaining the routine, his grin growing wider and wider as he described each way  they could all die. As he did, a montage played showing Ferb going through all of these things:

“Ten minutes later, you’ll all report to the chow hall, where you’ll get to eat more of Chef Bowliostro’s “fine” cousine. Those who won’t finish it will be Chef Bowliostro’s lunch for today.”

Ferb’s jar opened around the mouth part, as he choked down all of the puss like mush. No wonder Zee said it only got worse. Ferb would have killed for a Haggis right about now. As he ate, the prisoner next to him (a purple whale like pin shaped creature with two monocles) left just one tiny speck of food in his bowl, and was sent to the kitchen, where eating sounds rang out. Ferb, alarmed, licked his bowl clean.

“At 50 minutes later, you’ll all spend 3 hours in our work stations, crafting prison bars. They must all weigh the same, measure the same, look the same, taste the same. If you dare make even a slight deviation on the model, you will be sent to our molding station, where you can happily become a prison bar too.”

Ferb, crafting his 17th similar looking bar, felt close to giving up. His fingers itched for creativity, variety. He would have made a Brick toy, for crying out loud! But then, he saw a prisoner next to him (one with the consistency of play dough and the color of a bluejay) make a bar in a different color. He was then sent away, and the screams Ferb heard made him decide to keep those desires in check. Were his bars once people too? He shuddered at the thought.

“After said 3 hours, you’ll spend an hour exercising those muscles, for… Special reasons. If you don’t follow the regimen to the letter, you will be put on the treadmill and be forced to run until your heart gives out. No pressure.’

Ferb’s eyes shifted around in panic as he pushed up exactly the amount of times stated. Next to him, lying in a poll of stink and drool, was the corpse of what was once a horsefly looking creature. The treadmill still carried his blood.

“An hour later, you’ll shower. An hour after that, you’ll luncheon. Yet another hour later, you’ll go back to work. 3 hours later, you’ll help steer the ship while our navigators take a break. 4 hours later, you’ll eat dinner. Finally, an hour later, you’ll come for one last inspection, and five minutes later…”

“Actually, that’s not finally, since you then stated a second item on the to do…”, an alien that was just a large pair of coke bottle glasses pointed out, only to get snapped in half by the warden’s whips. “NO INTERRUPTIONS!”

“...And then, five minutes later, you’ll all go back to your cells and spend the night away. Or morning. Who’s to say what are the times outside? Who’s to say we’re not doing it all opposite to break your minds?’, the warden grinned, staring right at Ferb. Ferb didn’t stare away, keeping the gaze.

“...I like you, Jar-Vis. You’re a tough nut to crack. Not unlike your neighbor.”, The warden commented, looking at Zee, who grinned at him. “Eh, can’t we mix it up, wardy? How about some arts and crafts? Or, ooh, we could all sing a song! Sing along, everybody!”, she cried, beginning to sing out “I’m Lindanna and I Wanna Have Fun!”. Ferb, concerned for her, wanted to warn her, but only his eyes could flicker in fear. Surely she was a goner!

Yet the warden didn’t kill her. All he did was point to a room outside. “Take her to the usual place. And make it a little more intense this time. I want to smell her blood.”

As Zee got taken away, still singing loudly and grinning like a maniac, Ferb couldn’t help but wonder… Would he die or would he break mentally?

‘What a choice. Ain’t that a kick in the head?”, he thought, as he went through the whole day and laid in his cell, waiting to see if Zee was alive.

Worst of all? He could barely think of a way out.

And he didn’t know how much more time he had to do so.

Chapter Text

(Am I Blue? - Annette Hanshaw)

“She’s wakin’ up!”, the voices cried, spittle flying out of their sharp teeth. When she finally stirred awake, Candace thought she’d open her eyes to the beautiful sight of disappointment and delusion.

But for once, sadly, Candace was proven right. She was on another planet, surrounded by strange looking creatures, and tied to a chair by what seemed to be a glowing green and black rope, made of some sort of fire.

Looking up, her helmet off but the rest of her costume on, lucky that this planet had breathable air, she growled at the ones before her. “You know, I always thought “Hello” was overrated. This is way better! I’ll remember this when I go back to earth! Just tie up the first person you see and you’ve got a friend for life!”, she cried out sarcastically.

Shockingly, her kidnappers seemed apologetic, waving their finlike arms from place to place. “Now, no need to blow a fuse, doll! We just weren’t sure how else to ask! This is kinda what we do!”

Candace wore a fake grin as she softened her voice. “Oh, parrrrrrrrrrdon me, sirs! I should have thought of that! Why, that changes everything!”

“It does?”, the figures asked, hopefully.

“No! Of course it doesn’t! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”, she shouted out, shimmying in her chair. “Watch and learn, you… You whatever you ares! I’m gonna break out of these ropes and then, ohhhh then, you’ll all be sorry!”

“Don’t you wanna know why we kidnapped ya?”, one of the noodle bodied behmoeths asked, meatball eyes twinkling in curiosity. Candace, biting down at the ropes around her ankles, shook her head. “I’ll live.”

“But that’s the thing, our brother won’t!”, another one cried out in fear, and THAT finally got Candace to stop trying to escape. Slowly settling her chair down, she raised an eyebrow. “Okay, I’ll bite. What’s the sitch?”

The figures all tried to say it, only for a new one to enter, walking in on a cane. He looked like the rest, but larger, more imposing, with a long spaghetti beard. He stroked it, which made his hands all oily. Candace choked back a laugh. “Wow, Italian sharks. I suppose that’s better than little green men.”, she mused, remembering the martians.

“Look at her. She thinks she’s funny. You’re a real comedian, eh?”, the alien asked, and Candace shrugged. “More of a buster. Well, an attempted one at least.”

“THAT’S why they kidnapped ya. Look, bambina, I’m not one to ask for help, but I really need it. I’ve been falsely accused of a crime.”, he explained, looking out the window of their little basement. Candace looked around and noticed all kinds of bottles of drink and anemone looking chairs. She sighed. “Gee, could it be kidnapping? ‘Cause I can say that that one might not be false.”

“One more joke and I’ll bite your head off. Literally.”, the shark threatened, and Candace decided to zip it.

Returning to his explanation, the shark crossed his arms behind his back in concern. “I ain’t pretendin’ I’m some squeaky clean man. I’ve done my fair share of dusting this world. We all have our pile of muck we’ve added to the mud hole. But I deal specifically in financial crimes. My boys and I don’t kill. Won’t make a difference anyway. One less bastard is just a tear drop in a frikin’ ocean. But now, they think I did it. They’re sayin’ I killed some officer of the law, Gleep.”

“Great name. He must love his parents.”, Candace joked, and for a moment, the mobster smiled. “Yeah, not a winner in that department.”

Then, he turned serious again. “I know I’ve done my fair share. If they wanted to lock me up, they’d have reason. But I swear on my god damn life… I didn’t do this. I’m no killer. And if you are what you say you are, you wouldn’t let such an injustice stand.”, he implored her, a fin making her chin wet. She grimaced at the feeling, then tilted her head. “All I said was I try to bust.”

“Exactly. Ain’t that what you Terrans call a lawyer?”, he asked, and Candace gulped. A misunderstanding, a bad one. “I… Suppose…”, she tried, realizing she was in too deep. This guy didn’t kill, but that didn’t mean he’d let her go if she wasn’t who he thought she was. And here she was, still with no path towards Ferb…

Unless…

“Say, that officer of the law… He’d know about anyone who could snatch bodies, right? That’s, like, a crime, surely?”, Candace asked, and the shark nodded. “Absolutely. They send people like that to Tantalus 7.”

A name! Candace could barely hold back her jubilant yes or her crazed giggle. “Well, sir, if I were to successfully bust whoever framed you… Would you and your boys be able to help me get onto said ship, maybe locate a certain Terran I hold dear?”, she offered, and the mobster raised an eyebrow. “Are you trying to offer a deal when you’re tied up?”

She gulped, nervous now. “...Maybe?”

A pause.

Then, a laugh, so roaring it shook the whole place. “I like this girl! Oh, she’s got class! Listen, um…”, he began, and Candace decided telling him her real name could be a mistake. “Tangerine.”, she blurted out, thinking of her spacesuit’s color. “Tangerine. Interesting name. I’ll tell you what: You clear my name, I won’t just get you on that ship, I’ll make sure whoever took that Terran pays. We got a deal?”, he offered her his fin, and Candace (so emboldened she managed to tear off of the ropes with one move), shook back.

“Deal.”

Chapter Text

So it’s probably about time we found out what’s going on with Phineas and the gang, no? Let’s have a quick check, shall we?

(Quirky Worky Song)

“Wow, Ferb, I’ve never seen you bolt tighter than that! Very impressive!”, Phineas complimented, patting his “brother’s” back. After those silly accusations Candace had made, it felt imperative to reassure Ferb that he was still, well, Ferb.

“Speaking of Candace, where is she?”, Isabella asked curiously, the pink clothed girl riding the second hand of the giant invention they had made. She scratched her head, which made her bow fall down onto Phineas’ open palm. The little genius gulped as he held it, remembering the… Totally insane thing his sister had said. He and Isabella weren’t like that, right?

…

No, of course not. He would have noticed any clues she dropped.

Tossing the bow back to Isa (and totally ignoring the deliriously happy giggle she made), Phineas shrugged. “I’m not sure. She wanted to go out and prove that body swap theory of hers. Maybe she went to the observatory.”

“Well, wherever she is, she’s messing with a perfectly serviceable formula!”, Buford complained, crossing his arms in a huff as he rode the first hand (he insisted). Baljeet squinted, lost at what his bully BFF meant. “Perfectly serviceable formula?”

“Yeah, you know, the formula of our day to day adventures! We (or at least, most of us) build some kinda cool invention or gadget or we just go and do something crazy, whatever we feel like that day, Candace is all like “You are SOOOOOOOO busted!”, she does that weird giggle with that music that always plays, and sometime later Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher arrives and is like “There’s nothing there!” because for some random reason what we made goes POOF into the sky, and Candace goes “But… But… But…”, and then we probably all eat pie or something, and Phineas goes “Oh, there you are, Perry!”.”, Buford listed down all the stuff that usually happened in their day, imitating the voices perfectly.

“Don’t forget that Ferb than usually says something! Right, Ferb?”, Phineas asked, nudging “Ferb”. “Ferb” coughed, still unsure how to present himself as the boy. “Um, yes, Phineas. Quite.”

“Ooh, we are CHATTY today!”, Phineas chuckled, grinning. He never minded Ferb’s silence, but he was always glad to see his brother open to verbal communication too. “Ferb” shrugged, still getting used to all these extra body parts. He felt like he’d faint from exhaustion soon. How did ANYONE carry all this body mass?

“You know, Buford has a point. It’s not the same without Candace. Then, she doesn’t get to have fun with us!”, Isabella remarked, and everyone else agreed. Candace was practically an honorary member of their gang, she’d feel bad if she missed out on this cool invention!

Speaking of…

“Say… What is this, again?”, Stacy asked, passing by the yard and popping her head over the fence.

“It’s a MARY-GO-ROUND!”, all the kids shouted, as they rode the giant Mary McGuffin doll that spun its arms and legs around and around.

“...Cool, have fun!”, Stacy greeted, walking away with an innocent whistle. She could never have such a crazy life!

Meanwhile, Phineas kept thinking about Candace being gone. It had been a few hours, and it really was unlike her to not check out their invention and volunteer to show Mom. “You know, guys, maybe we take the McGuffin out for a spin and find Candace, huh?”, he suggested, and everyone agreed to that.

“Ferb, will you do the honors?”, Phineas asked, presenting the dashboard on the doll’s head. “Ferb”, biting his lip, pressed the big red button in the middle.

Suddenly, the giant doll merry-go-round began to do a disco dance.

“Silly Ferb, that’s the disco button, remember? I know you did that on purpose, you big kidder! Go ahead, press the real button!”

“Ferb” pressed a different button, tiny and blue, and the giant doll jumped up and down.

“The… Jumping… Jacks… Button…”, Phineas cried out as he and all the kids got shaken up and down, laughing at the thrill of it. “Ferb”, who was still getting used to his new body, threw up a little in his mouth. “Huh… Tastes different with an actual stomach.”, he thought, shivering.

He then tried the tiny green button, which made the doll stop and stare long and hard.

“The existential crisis button! Which, now that I say that out loud, makes me wonder why we installed it.”, Phineas pondered, scrunching his face up in thought. Buford lifted his hand. “That was my idea.”

“Every day, you confound me further.”, Baljeet commented, and Buford blushed. “That is the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me, nerd.”

Sighing, “Ferb” pressed the final button, sure that his goose was cooked. As the doll finally began walking downtown, Phineas nudged his “brother” in questioning. “You feeling alright, dude? You never forget where the buttons are placed.”

“Ferb”, remembering that his body’s original host didn’t talk too much, made a sort of blinking shake, trying to get Phineas to drop it. “Worried about Candace, huh?”, Phineas gave him an out, and “he” nodded, hoping that would suffice. “Don’t worry, Ferb, I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that! You know our Candace: caring and high strung!”

“Ferb” nodded, not sure he understood but moving on with much relief, while Phineas couldn’t help but think of what Candace had talked about. She had said that even his silence sounded different. When Phineas listened in, he couldn’t help but think that it did sound a little off.

“No, no, don’t do that, you’ll hurt his feelings for sure! He’s probably just having an off day! I’m sure everything will be okay once we see Candace!”, Phineas decided, smile returning to his face, as the gang headed downtown, where a certain evil scientist’s building was located…

Chapter Text

POW!

The punch was electric, sending Doof into the wall, which crumbled a little around him. As he massaged his jaw, reeling from the sparks of pain shooting around him, he shot the teal secret agent a look of annoyance. “Ah, Perry the Platypus, what an unexpected surprise! And by unexpected I mean… Completely unexpected. Like, dude, I haven’t done anything!”

Agent P, landing from the punch to the chorus of “Perry!”, chattered with an arched eyebrow and pointed upwards at the inator he had seen.

“The “Oopswedon’tknowwhereyourticketis-inator”? I haven’t even used it, and besides, I kinda woke up a little lazy today, as you can see by the state of my dress, I was kinda just thinking of taking it easy today and catching up on my shows. You’re welcome to join me, I got a new guac and everything!”, Doof proposed happily, always eager for a day in with his best nemesis. Perry placed both hands on his hips, puzzled and just a little vexed, but not because of Doof. Placing a paw up, he used the other to quickly dial Major Monogram back at H.Q.

Soon, Perry’s spy watch buzzed and glitched, revealing the silver haired director of O.W.C.A. Monogram always had such a serious look on his face, like he was far too busy for whatever you had to say. It irked Perry at times. He knew that, for all his flaws, Monogram’s organization kept the world safe. He just couldn’t help but think it could use some restructuring. “Oh, Agent P, done already? That was quick! Congratulations.”, he greeted formally, only for Perry to retort with a head shake and a point at Doof still in his bathrobe. “No scheme? Huh, how strange. I suppose our inator alarm went off by mistake.”

‘Oh, I built one, yeah, but I was going to use it tomorrow!”, Doof explained politely, waving from the back. He didn’t like Monogram, but he was feeling pretty chipper today.

“I see, I see. Well, this is embarrassing. Carl!”, Monogram shouted, and suddenly, Carl showed up on the watch. “What is it, sir? Oh, Agent P! Done already? That was quick! Congrat…”, Carl started, only for Monogram to face palm. “Carl, we JUST went over that, and it wasn’t that funny of a gag.”

“Sorry, sir.”

“Agent P, sorry for interrupting your day like this. I know you had plans.”, Monogram apologized, and Perry sighed, choosing not to showcase just how annoyed he was at losing out on said plans.

“Plans? What were they?”, Doof asked, genuinely curious, as he stood up from the wall and shook off some rubble off of himself. “No offense, but I didn’t know you had any friends outside of me.”

“Oh, he has a whole ho…”, Carl started, but Monogram shushed him. “Carl! Come on, this is basic stuff! Agent P can’t reveal anything about his… Well, you know!”, the old man ranted, and Perry bit his lip, unsure. On the one hand, he refused to share anything about his host family, lest they be endangered. On the other hand, he knew Doof would get extremely jealous and annoying about it. Perhaps he could be vague? Deciding to sign off with a salute, he disconnected the call, then turned to Doof, gesticulating the shape of a house before patting his heart. “Family stuff, eh? No worries, I won’t pry! I know the guidelines.”, Doof said, surprisingly co-operative. Perry honestly appreciated it, but he held back the smile. He didn’t want to give Doof TOO much leeway, after all. He had to keep him on a tight leash.

“So, I guess you better be getting back, then! Wouldn’t wanna keep you away from your family! Speaking of, I actually helped someone with that today! I bet you’d be really proud!”, Doof bragged, sort of fishing for compliments. While he enjoyed being evil, he’d never pass up an opportunity to impress Perry the Platypus with one of his nicer deeds. As he cleaned up the room with a broom (Perry deciding to help him out by opening the back door), he explained what happened. “So, like, one of Vanessa’s friends came along today, right? Tall, ginger, kind of giraffe-esque if you squint, she’s got a Princess Baldegunde vibe, but less in looks and more in personality, you know?”, he began ranting in his fashion, but as he did, Perry gasped silently. He’d know that description anywhere: That was one of his kits, Candace Flynn. And while he was closer to Phineas and Ferb than her, he’d kill the bastard who’d dare touch her.

Holding back his parental rage, Perry took a deep breath and clenched his fists as he chattered out an inviting question. “Did she wrong me? No, why do you ask?”

A sigh of relief. At the very least she wasn’t in Doof’s line of sight. He may have had a limited scope, but the ones hurt in Doof’s self-destructive vision for the city never left his nightmares.

“Well, anyway, she was going on and on about some brother of hers…”

And there was the panic again. So now not only Candace but one of Phineas or Ferb were in potential danger? It took all of Perry’s semi-aquatic strength to restrain his bubbling fear. Soothing waves washed his brain over with logic. He had no idea they were actually in trouble… Maybe Candace had just visited Vanessa and ended up ranting about her brothers… He couldn’t help a tiny chuckle. That was as likely as Doof ranting about his own brother.

Speaking of… “And one thing led to another and then I told her how I hate Roger, you know, my brother, the mayor, we’ve been there done that, but I can get that instructional video I made about my resentment at him for you!”

“NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!”, two voices screamed from beyond, and the portal to another universe quite heavily focused about two sapphics on a softball team closed.

“...What the hell was that?”, Doof asked, blinking rapidly as he searched for the source of the noise. Perry too was totally lost, but he knew time was of the essence. He HAD to know if his kids were safe. Snapping his fingers, he brought Doof’s attention back. “Right, right, I was telling you about the awesome thing I did! Anyway, she told me that she thought her brother was, like, body swapped by an alien or something, so I did what any responsible adult with his own teenage daughter would do, and I lent her my rocket and space suit! She’s somewhere in space now. Pretty great, no?”, Doof asked, crossing his arms and closing his eyes, awaiting praise.

Perry stood there for 5 seconds, eye twitching as he imagined Candace Gertrude Flynn, famously right about things concerning her brothers and never listened to, literally blasting off into space to search for one of her brothers whom she thought was swapped by an alien, thus placing both her and said brother in terrible, terrible peril, with the possibility that the other brother was now being tricked by an imposter wearing the skin of said missing brother.

And then he punched Doof through the other wall.