Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

the two of you share a rather tangled history, met in college as the stereotypical story goes. except, you stayed in university meanwhile he went off to make millions off internet notoriety. you were simply the freshman that was having fun in the new found freedom of college, as was 'schlatt' as he likes to call himself now. you two met through your intro to science class, god those gen-ed classes. in a short amount of time, the two of you grown very fond of each other. turning 'study sessions' into a night that was full of philosophical discussions, teasing, and stupid but meaningful words. he was absolutely enamored by your maturity, and you were weary of his whole innocence act. you were a girl who fought tooth and nail for your future, while he was a carefree catholic boy who let 'god take his pick.'

• flashback ! •

"come back to me time to time, yeah?" he lowly chuckles out as he holds the phone to his ear. he had practically dropped out of college with the drop of the hat, not really giving you a warning or anything of that sort.

you look around your dorm as he spoke into your ear, your space already felt so empty and dull now that you knew you wouldn't have him sitting on the other side of you. poking at you, talking about your favorite albums, the grinning behind the kisses. all that. just gone.

"whatever that means, johnny." you shake your head and pinch the bridge of your nose, this was all so sudden. you felt it, he knew you felt it as well. he might've felt guilty about leaving you in the dust but it's how he felt he'd feel more free in his life. even if it meant recording videos in his parent's basement for the world to see.

he softly chuckled as he heard you use the nickname you cherry picked for him in the first week you met, it didn't feel so full of adoration anymore. it was an empty word now. he zoned into the computer screen, the words 'start stream?' almost taunting him.

"we'll keep in touch, i promise. i hope you do well in school." his words were weaker, so much more difficult to get out. he wanted to say something like, "i will take the train every weekend to see you." or "i can't let go so easily of you, you kept me together." he knew you wouldn't say anything else, he knew you didn't want to. he just hung up and flung his phone to his desk, there wasn't gonna be an easier way to do it. were there?

he didn't keep his word, that phone call was the last one.

• back to present | your POV •

six years pass, you didn't care to keep up with his internet antics. you knew he was rather successful, money wise at least. on the other hand, you were graduated with your masters. you found love, or at least it felt like it. you even managed to buy your dream home in manhattan. hard work pays off, doesn't it?

why didn't it feel that way though? why did you have to have such a pit-less feeling in your stomach when people brought up your personal life? why did the name of your husband almost make your skin sting? what happened to you? you used to be a young girl who did whatever just to prove yourself right, even if it meant being embarrassing and manic. were you trapped in mediocrity? it sure seemed so.

not to say that your life was awful, you were quite the definition of comfortable. then again, what the hell did security even mean to you? was it successfully breaking a cycle of becoming the next woman in line in your family that became a mother in high school, end up scrapping for food stamps and welfare? did that title of security really stand for that? at times, you wondered how differently your life would've went if you just skipped college and became a wanderlust filled girl who didn't view money as an issue. a girl who would've been happy just waiting tables at a diner in manhattan to pull night hobbies for an extra buck. so again, who were you on the inside?

the worst part of it all, your husband didn't even know that side of you. you met him when you had your shit together, it went quickly. not pouring your rather free rider fantasies onto him, to him you were just the put together fun loving woman he put a ring on. not the girl who went to dive bars underaged and whipped your hair to the crackly sound of old music that got the attention of everyone around you, that version of you was unbroken. you couldn't tell if you could see her in the mirror if you looked close enough. you thought of her every time you found a speckle of glitter on your face though, in a bittersweet way.

your husband was a great husband, he never pressured you to do anything. never egged you on, never pushed you to do something different; he just admired you and took a backseat with your life. you kind of hated it, some sick part of yourself would beg in your inner monologue for him to just- take some sort of action. maybe you wanted him to push you to let go a little, instead he helped keep you in this grey box that people would label as 'safe.' where you begged him to hold you tightly as you slept, he turned away from you as you slept. where you begged him to go on night drives to listen to music on a backroad, he said 'what, are we seventeen?' you couldn't tell if you hated it, but it was getting clearer by the day with the answer.

it was too safe. too grey. too little. so instead, you convinced yourself that your desires for more were just selfish. you had everything anyone could ever want, so act like it. right?

it just stung that he knew that side of you. that he knew the colorful girl you were, the girl who would show up to his dorm at two in the morning with bruises on your knees from stumbling through the streets. the girl who would make him shitty origami to make him smile during boring lectures. the girl who would jump onto him and kiss him feverishly when your favorite part of a song came on. it wasn't him though. it was your husband who saw the person you became.

"goodnight ronny." you say quietly as you wrap yourself into the soft blankets on your bed, turning away from him and closing your eyes. if you manipulated your brain enough, his name would almost sound like his. too late for things like that now, isn't it?

• still present | schlatt's POV •

it was a rather quiet night for him, but wasn't it always? he was the one who insisted that he did it better alone. he didn't need a warm body on the other side of his bed to uplift his career, he just compensated for the depressing fact with the soft purrs of his cats who kept him company. he made himself comfortable in his bed and scrolled on his phone as always, trying his best not to look at the statistics of his works. that always went either extremely well or the complete opposite. he wasn't in the mood to feel like a joke tonight. his internet career had became a lot more calmer, he didn't feel obligated to stream every day, nor did he feel obligated to make a huge video every time he uploaded. he just did things the way he liked it, and it was working. things just seemed to continually work for him, didn't they?

as the night crept in more, he began to realize just how silent his house was. he was no longer the eighteen year old in a loud dorm room, or even the twenty one year old that was constantly at other creator's houses jumping in on their stream. he was twenty five. he was still young of course, but the small amount of years still grew on him. his whole life just felt like a huge hypocrisy, how he basically shouted at how he liked the quiet, how he felt better just living in the rural areas where nothing could be loud. did he secretly ache for something else though? maybe the silence was the exact thing that kept him up at night, forcing him to work on his projects til four in the morning. filling himself with alcohol so he can put on his world famous persona. was this all he was?

it pained him to think about what would've happened if he just made the whole internet gig to the side when he started college. yeah, he wouldn't have the amount of money if he had just finished his major. he worked incredulously for his internet career, sometimes a little too much. he'd easily send himself into spirals of his identity and how it coincided with his real self. he thought it was so intelligent to just put up a character, well it was, but what was there when he turned off the cameras and he was just. alone in his bed? who cares though, he was a business owner and had millions under his name, a comfortable existence. who wanted to hear their favorite creator blab about how they keep setting themselves up for burnout and indulging too much into alcohol? absolutely no one. but- if he did stay the way he was, would he still have you around?

he rubbed his face to try and rid of the insistent thoughts within his own head, it was a battle he set up and obviously had no intention for a truce. he knew it was getting late, but it seemed like this time of night was when he got the gears in his head to really just- work, in a way. when he got the biggest ideas for his projects. he wanted so badly to become a more personable person with his internet presence. people could tell as well, how his accent wasn't so vulgar. he appeared softer, in a weird way. he decided to just sit up from the bed and go over to look around his room, take a note of all the knick knacks. even if it made him filled with melancholy at times.

he feathered his fingers through his drawers and eventually found something small and blue, it looked crumpled. shit. there goes trying to take care of things- but what was it anyway? he pulled it out to get a better look at it, his heart almost stopping when he realized what it was. it was that stupid origami swan you made the first time you two hung out. why did he keep it? why did it find him again? either way, he didn't want to have to think about it. he just tossed it back and groaned at the reminder of you. the reminder that he'd never meet another like you. guess it was time for another night of radiohead.

• flashback ! •

"so, how do you feel about god?" you softly spoke out as you laid upside down on the edge of his bed. it was another night of you coming over to his dorm, this had pretty much became a routine. a pretty comfortable routine for the two of you, at that.

"you know how i'm gonna answer that." he shakes his head as he picks at the circuit board in his lap that he had been tweaking with the entire night as the two of you talked. "it's not a matter of how i feel, it's a matter of how i worship."

"then i ask again, how do you worship?" you cock your head at him and kick your feet up slightly as you could feel the blood rushing to your head as you laid upside down, it wasn't a bad feeling though. it kind of reminded you of being drunk.

"well i- show my gratitude to god. do the whole sunday mass thing, yknow? try to be a good example of his creation?" he slightly tilted his head away from the circuit board to look at you better, he softly grinned as he saw the way you were laying. you looked oddly like a painting he'd seen in the halls of his high school, a painting where an angel was draped across a cloud. like utter perfection.

"do you think you properly appreciate the way his hands made you, johnny?" you say to him, almost making him hitch a breath in his throat. god he hated how you said things like that, how you always just had something to say that would rewrite how he would view literature. he didn't care about the books though, he just loved the way your tongue said them.

"i try to, in a- well, good mannered way. best to not be conceited, maybe?" he trailed his eyes back to the circuit board, he didn't want to look at you for too long. for when he did that, it just made his immature brain think of things he'd rather not indulge into. though, he wanted to. god. he wanted to. he would let his lips teach you the words of god if it meant you would look at him with that look on your face that makes him truly believe mankind is worth it.

"i guess i understand it, when you put it that way. i like to think god is y'know, in all of us." you bob your feet a bit, a tiny bit anxious on whatever his reply would be. you were hoping he'd take in a good light, take in the poetry of your words and swallow it whole.

"maybe that's why my faith is renewed when i look at you." he sputtered out, his tongue was working faster than his working process. his eyes switched over to you, the warm silence swallowing the room as the two of you kept your eyes locked. you slowly leaned your head up and sat upright to better look at him. did he mean that? before you could even choke out another word, he was making his way to you and cupping his hand on your cheek to kiss you delicately.

who cared about the damn circuit board anymore. you were his to tweak with tonight.

• present day | your POV •

manhattan was getting colder, only making your work experience much worse. the white and grey color palette of the office just made you sick to your stomach, hell even your own home had been accustomed with that color palette. thanks to your husband who insisted it looked more luxe that way, but who were you to argue with him about it? not like he would be on your board with your dreams at 19 of having a maximalist styled home with red, brown, and beige. warm orange lighting around the house, victorian furniture everywhere. those dreams were long gone now, appeared that adulthood and the corporate world called for utter bleakness. no sign of whimsy.

you went throughout your work day with a plastered smile on your face, being a pushover for your boss and your clientele. that was just the passageway for success, what a fucking joke. you often questioned your major and how it ended up with you working where you were. you made a pretty penny yet it was at the cost of any creativity that was being slowly sucked out of you. for christ's sake, you used to make paintings that made people audibly gasp. you missed that effect you had on people, you were almost a force to be reckoned with. well congratulations, now you're 24 and manufacture every little thing about yourself. a little plastic portfolio of masks, if you will.

you made your way back home, sighing as you closed the front door behind you. your eyes lingered on the couch with a solid dent in it. ronny was home it seemed. you peeled off your heels and groaned as you saw the damage they've done to the back of your heels. great. your husband somehow hears your commotion over your entrance and whips around the corner from the kitchen with a soft smile.

"i've told you so many times to get pads for those feet killers, baby." he said in an almost condescending tone, as if he just wanted to be right. you absolutely hated it when he had that confident tone with you, in your head you were just thinking 'yeah, like you could understand."

"I'll look into them, just was a long day it seems." you softly say and grasp onto your heels tightly in your palms, looking to the stairs. your room was basically calling your name, you just wanted a shower and to listen to your music in silence. your job really did drain almost every aspect of yourself. you sigh and walk towards the stairs, stepping onto the first step. but your husband had something to say.

"you excited for tomorrow? i got some things planned." he said with a gentle smile as he looked to you. you almost freeze in place when he says that, it almost completely faded from your memory. it was your birthday tomorrow. how could you nearly forget your OWN birthday was the next day? you shake your head back to reality after being stuck in thought, looking back to your husband with an almost plastic smile plastered on your face.

"ah, yes yes! just don't go too far with it, i already feel old." you softly chuckle and lean against the post gently as you look at your husband. you knew that he just wanted to help you feel less worse about your birthday, considering you were turning twenty five. in your head, you felt like your thirties were only creeping in faster, that your chance of becoming something more was fading away.

"no promises, baby. just get yourself relaxed, i got a few things to finish downstairs and i'll join you in bed." he softly chuckles and turns around to go back to his office to continue on his work. it seemed like that was all he did, sit in his office and pop out for maybe 20 minutes of the day before plopping on your bed and sleeping. there was no mystical feeling anymore, but as many people say, marriage isn't a walk in the park. it didn't help that the two of you were married for almost three years now.

three years. it rang in your head as you undressed yourself in the mirror to prepare for your shower. as you peeled back the layers, the scuffed up pantyhose, the neatly steamed button down. you kept staring at yourself, you weren't seeing a malnourished college kid anymore. you were seeing a woman. your hips that had scattered stretch marks on them, your legs that were starting to develop varicose veins, and the thing that bothered you the most; your face. it just seemed empty. your cheeks were more sunken in, your baby fat completely gone. your forehead made lines when you moved it. the eyes that used to glow in city lights with purple glitter eyeshadow topped on your lids, were now tired eyes that got only mascara. it all just felt so bare.

you eventually finished your shower and laid in bed, clutching onto the stitches of your robe. your eyes kept glaring to the clock on your bedside table. 10:45 PM. just little over an hour until you were twenty five. just another year, you tell yourself over and over. it doesn't make you believe it though, you still feel that same gut wrenching feeling of 'what if?' you kept telling yourself you were just stupid. that you were just needing to get out of your head. to just, get over it.

get. over. it.

time passed a little, your husband was in bed and softly snoring. your eyes trailed to the window and watched as the night sky changed with the city's ambiance. you flail your head into your pillow and cock your head over to the rude alarm clock, in which you called it. 11:59 PM. you almost hold your breath as you were waiting for it to switch, to send you into the reality of everything. to just bring the pain and get it over with, you just wanted to see the time and roll it off with another night of sleep that helped you seep yourself into a reality that you begged you were actually a part of.

12:00 PM.

you let out the breath of air you were holding and feel your body get heavier when it really settles in, you were twenty five. a quarter of your life now gone, was it worth it? was there more waiting for you? god, you hoped so.

"happy birthday to me." you whisper to yourself, god this was sad. you roll over and tuck yourself into your covers, closing your eyes and hoping your brain grants you your wish of a dream that helps make this life easier. just something to bring you out of this bleak and painful cycle.

• present time | schlatt's pov •

here it was again, another silent night for him. he uploaded a video and basically shut off his computer right after, not bothering to see what people might've thought of it at first glance. that'd just have to be for later. he turned around in his chair as he eyed the drawers he went through two nights ago, his brain telling him to just go to bed. don't open back up that unhealed wound. he didn't listen though, he stood up and slowly walked to the drawer. almost hesitantly opening it and pulling out the crumpled origami swan. as he held it so delicately in his hand, he wondered if your touch was still on the paper. the remains of your memory to him was simplified to this stupid piece of paper.

"this is fucking pathetic." he says before throwing the origami swan back into the drawer and slamming it shut. he didn't mean to do it so hard, but it was the only way he could get his frustrations out in this moment. he was so conflicted with himself, why didn't he just keep contact? why did he let his internet presence pressure him to just cut you off? what, because he was afraid you would be scared of the change? it's obviously whatever now. he genuinely had no clue where you were, what you were doing with your life. that was almost terrifying to him as he said it to himself, he knew absolutely nothing about you now.

then he looked over to the clock on the wall, 4:34 AM. he stared at it for a moment before the realization hit him, he quickly shuffled into his pockets and checked his phone for the date. shit. it was your birthday. was this some sick joke from god to remind him of your existence not once, but now twice? what even was this? he unlocked his phone and sighed as he scattered through his contacts to find yours. a contact he hadn't touched in a long while. looking at the name and picture, you were so young. he wondered what you looked like now, even if it was immature.

he had already had a good amount of alcohol in his system, so he was pretty much fearless of anything at this point. he sighed as he pressed the call button, hoping to anything that you'd answer. just please answer.

• flashback ! •

the two of you were hungrily kissing each other on his dorm bed, from what was supposed to be a night for going over genetics for the test in your class. that didn't really matter in this moment when his kisses felt like surge of electricity on your lips. he had found himself on top of you, and broke away from the kiss. the remains of your lipstick staining his mouth. you softly giggled as you looked at his appearance, he looked so silly with it on. yet you couldn't think of any other thing that would be fonder.

"what? you don't think this shade of mauve suits me, am i too pale for it?" he softly chuckled as he spoke, all he could focus on was how your hair fell so perfectly as you laid beneath him, he could swear up and down if he looked at you long enough, he'd see a masterpiece. you just simply shook your head and cupped his face with your hand, taking a moment to reel in just how gorgeous he was. counting the amount of moles on his face that accessorized him so well. he looked down at you with half lidded eyes, he could feel the warmth growing in his chest to say something, to say something he hadn't said with such feeling.

"tell that to me when i need to hear it, okay?" you said as if you could read his mind, even if you felt the same way. everything about the two of you just made sense, the delicacy of everything, the seamless blend of your minds. it was too good to be true. it was too good to be true.

he softly nodded, completely understanding your thinking process. even if he wanted to shout it from the top of the mountains, he was going to listen. after all, it was you. who was he to disagree with the girl that made him feel like the embodiment of light. you were his own personal lifeline. you were his absolute everything.

"i'll know when to, baby." he smiled softly before gently kissing you again, wrapping his fingers into yours.

• present time | your POV •

the sound of your phone ringing on your bedside shot you up in your bed, frantically rubbing your eyes and clearing your vision to see who it was. you tiredly raised an eyebrow as you saw the lit up screen, you look back to your husband and back to the phone. sighing as you grabbed it and stood off from the bed. your eyes fixed on the glowing screen.

unknown caller: new york

"what the fuck?" you rubbed your eyes once more and took your phone with you as you walked into the hallway, closing the bedroom door behind you to not wake up your husband. you softly groan and answer the call, bringing it to your ear. you were genuinely going to scream if it turned out to be someone from work needing me for useless bullshit. it was nearly 5 am for fucks sake.

"hello?" you softly spoke out, but there was nothing but silence led by your words. just static and some breathing, now it was just beginning to creep you out. was this some kind of sick joke where a teenager typed in a random number to prank call me? then suddenly.
"you answered." you freeze in an instant, you knew exactly who was speaking. you almost wanted to genuinely throw up. why now? why today? why on my birthday?

"listen- i know it's been years but. i wanted to check on you. happy birthday by the way." he spoke lowly into the phone, the tired tone evidently there. you just remained there stuck, what were you supposed to say? some part of you just wanted to hang up. this couldn't be happening right now.

"it is nearly five in the morning, johnny." he almost collapsed as he heard you speak again, and with that taunting nickname for him. you were still using it for him. even after all this time. could it mean something or was he just stupid?

"i know- i know. can you please just. not hang up." he sounded so desperate, even a bit drunk. you could practically smell the vodka through the phone, if that's even possible. that fact was only making you want to cry. what was his reasoning for all this? just to hurt me a second time? leave me alone crying myself to sleep asking myself why he hadn't kept his promise on keeping close?

"why are you doing this?" you practically choke on your words, your throat felt so dry. the driest its probably felt in years, the only person who could bring you to this was your own mother or him.

"i've been so careless with your heart. too damn careless." his words only made your skin crawl, god why couldn't he have had said this six years ago? even five years ago? you stand in silence, unable to even get a noise out. it felt impossible to.

"just let me be that boy for you again- let me listen to your poetry. let me play your favorite music again and let me relearn you. i want to. i beg to." he spoke out again even in the deafening silence. he was so desperate, pathetically desperate. though, this just all felt incredibly cruel to hear. i wanted to hear this when i was eighteen. not twenty five. why did he have to take so long?

"i don't know what to say to all of this. it's been so long-" you choke out but he had other plans, he wasn't going to let you back down so easily. he wanted you to hear his foolishness and take it for good. just take it. take him.

"are you still in manhattan? please tell me you are." his words were so soft, as if he was on the cusp of just completely breaking down. this was so difficult for you to hear, it just hurt. it wasn't dreamy. it was cruel. plain cruel.

"Y-yes, i'm still in manhattan." you sighed out and palmed your face as you said it, what were you doing? why would you admit that? you could've just said you moved to colorado or something of that nature, but you knew deep down exactly why you said it.

"i know it's your birthday but just. fuck. i want to see you- no. i need to see you." his insistence was so unbearable to listen to, the urge to just hang up was only growing. you knew this was wrong on so many levels of morality. something inside you was defrosting though, something you weren't sure of what it was just yet.

"where, johnny?" and there it was. your dumb mouth working faster than your brain. you freeze as you realize what you had opened a door to. all in all, it really just was excruciatingly hard to say no to him. it had always been.

his head was whirling, he couldn't believe he heard those words escape your mouth. the words he was praying to hear, guess there was a bit of faith left.
"just. drive to that gas station we used to go to. please. i will literally go to my car right now. please." his words were beckoning at you, you stood in silence for a moment and looked to the closed door of your bedroom. knowing full well that behind the door was your husband of three years who had no knowledge of this happening, who was just simply sleeping.

you sighed and looked down the stairs to the front door, the moonlight hitting through the glass just felt like a sign. if i didn't do this, what was going to be the outcome? i just had to do it, for the sake of my own selfishness but for my curiosity. i needed to know what made him just fade away. what could've been. what i wanted to happen.

"alright." you reluctantly replied and closed your eyes in the instant disappointment that washed over you.
"god- okay. please wait for me. i'll be there. he immediately hangs up and you're left with the deafening silence within your home. his words seemed to replay in your head. just an cruel and annoying loop of what you wanted to hear so many years ago.

please wait for me. i'll be there.

•••

he stood by his car as he waited in the parking lot of the gas station, the same place where the two of you many years ago declared as 'the spot. seems that little fact never changed all too much, now did it? he was just anxious to see you after so long, what were you going to look like? how were you going to talk? were you going to be the same girl he spent countless nights fawning over? matter a fact, what was he going to do when he saw you? cry? kiss you? fall to his knees to show how pathetic he's became? he had no clue and no other choice but to wait for your appearance.

you slowly pull into the gas station, the building never changed. you would've assumed this place would be bulldozed and a coffee shop would be put over it by now, considering the state of it. guess some things just stand strong, similar to something else in your life. you didn't know where to look so you just parked and sat in your car to try to not hyperventilate. you eventually push open your car door and step out, looking up reluctantly and immediately seeing him. it was actually him. you almost just wanted to go back into your car and just drive off. yet you held back those urges.

he looked at you for a moment, completely still in time it felt like. you looked so different but the same, in an odd sense. he couldn't stop looking at how much more mature you looked, how your hair was styled more 'womanly' opposed to how you used just let it go crazy. he also took in note how you came in nothing but your pajamas, it made him feel a bit more hopeful. in his head, that meant that you were just that eager to see him.

your eyes did the same, he looked like an actual man. well, of course he was- but this was different. your gaze couldn't help just how much he changed his appearance, yet you still knew it was him at first glance. you couldn't help but wonder what that could ve meant for you.

he slowly walked away from his car and made his way toward you, as he got closer it was evident in his gaze that he was so full of yearning. those brown eyes that used to smile at you were now looking at you like you were a lighthouse. like your presence had such an important enigma that you were basically a lifeline in this moment. that alone scared the hell out of you, how could one face muster up this much emotion inside you?
"i-i saw your origami in my drawer." he softly spoke as he stood in front of you, it also appeared he got somewhat taller.

your eyes widened slightly at his words, he kept those stupid things? he swallowed a lump in his throat before speaking up again, "i can't keep pretending that leaving you wasn't the stupidest decision ive ever made. i should ve done more. i should've stayed." his words almost made you want to drop to your knees and cry. it was just so much at once. too much at once for you to handle.

"i kept your circuit board you left in my dorm." you choke out as your lip gently trembled. his eyes only softened at your words, he slowly stepped closer to you and shook his head. he just wanted to grab you and kiss you like he did before. just say the things he wanted to with his lips since his tongue couldn't suffice in helping him with words.

"i can't- begin to explain just how stupid i feel. please baby, just please. i know i can't talk right." he crosses his arms and sighs as he looks down to you, his eyes lingering more south before the ring on your hand becomes present. he felt his skin go cold. "you got..." he humorlessly chuckles, "fucking married?"
your eyes shoot wide open as he speaks up, you could tell his was throughly disappointed.

not for the sole fact that you were married but because you told him so many times you
'weren't that type of girl to get tied down. you rubbed your face and softly nodded. "yes. three years ago."
he deeply exhaled and shook his head, this wasn't what he wanted to hear out of you. he wanted you to be the same girl he had when he was eighteen and dumb. dumb but so. so in love. "what happened to miss i don't be tied down, huh? what happened to the girl who said i couldn't say i fucking love you because it was too much." his tone was much more angrier, but he tried to calm himself down. though, it was evident he was confused and downright upset.

your body felt so heavy with his words, he was right after all. that is what you told him all those years ago, and you did it mean it. back then at least, because the sheer fear that went inside you when you thought about a person actually loving you was too overwhelming. it was evident he wanted to be that person that helped you realize you were worthy of it, not your fucking husband who got the half-assed version of you.

"i-i was like that, okay? ronny just-" he humorlessly chuckles again and waves his hands out cutting you off, "fucking ronny? you married the business major? fucking really?" you couldn't speak, it was too embarrassing to. you could feel your entire body going cold, it was just too painful to have that be hit in your face.

"well you left!" you slap your hands against your sides and shrug with a grin that was nothing from happiness, almost a way of your body trying to cope. "you- you fucking left, and- i wanted to be more than a girl who pathetically waits. okay?" he stays still as you speak up, hearing the anger in your voice being hit right back to him. he shook his head and sighed.

"so what. are you happy? just absolutely fulfilled with being married to that guy? tell me- for the love of god, try to tell me you don't cry yourself to sleep wishing that man in your fucking bed was me." his words stung so horribly, your face twitched and you could feel your eyes aching to well up with tears in this moment.

"does your husband know the way that i worshiped our love? huh? does he have a fucking speck of any adoration i had and have for you. tell me that." you slowly shook your head at his tone, his words seemed to just come out feverishly. every word he spoke out just seemed to get more and more real, it was damn near inescapable now.

"oh darlin', i know what you're going through." he spoke out again in spite of your timid silence, he knew he'd just have to finish your words. it's what he's always done anyhow. he just stared at you for a moment before gently placing his hand on your cheek and let his finger gently caress the crease under your eye.

you almost jumped at his sudden touch, but nothing changed. it felt the exact same as it did so many years ago, seemingly flipping a switch in your head. you quickly grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him into a deep kiss. god, even his lips felt the same.

he deepened his lips into the kiss before slowly pulling back, his hand still gently placed on your cheek. "i can't tell you just how many nights i waited for you to be back in front of me." you choke out as you longingly look up at him.

"i'm holding my damn promise now." he says before sinking his lips back onto yours, that same delicate kiss he'd given you a hundred times when you were teenagers and dumb. now you were adults and just as stupid. the backlash would just have to wait. these desires had demands after all.

Chapter Text

the two of you broke from the kiss after a bit, even if it was hard to fight the feeling of just wanting to linger on each other for hours. his eyes just locked down onto yours as he kept caressing your face gently, for now, things were easy. it seemed the hard part would just have to be for later. even if you knew deep down the hard part was going to be an excruciatingly difficult process. a process you couldn't tell whether or not you genuinely wanted to follow through. he could see the gears working in your head, the worry already going to his head. he takes a step back and retracts his hand trom you.

"that was stupid to do, wasn't it? all of this?" he mutters out as your eyes never leave one another. a part of you wanted to just say no, please keep kissing me like you used to. don't give up on me so quickly. though, the other part of you, the logical part, was screaming at you to just get back into your car and block him out of your memory. this was adrenaline, you told yourself over and over. it wasn't seeming to stick in your head though, the rambling never did.

"just-don't think about it for now. okay?" you choke out in a desperate attempt to keep his emotions at bay, he couldn't know what was actually going through your head. now could he? let's be realistic here. he just softly nods and unknits his brow, at least he was calming down.

"i'm just tired, i'm sorry baby. i don't want to be cruel,
'specially not to you." his words felt so bittersweet, hearing the warm words of how he called you baby like it was actually your name. it was your name, at least to him, considering that's all he knew you as. his indifferent and sedating baby.

"it's early, i get it." you say as you look back to the gas station that the two of you had visited numerous times in your teen years. then you got an idea. "say, do you want to get some slushies? just for the um, memories?" as you say that, you could see the light returning to his face. so that's all it took? huh. interesting.

"course, i do." he says before turning his heel to follow his steps to the gas station that's lights were flashing dimly. this place was really worn down, but you'd be heartbroken if the place where the two of you shared so many memories was torn away from you. it kind of was ironic how it stayed, maybe the universe's way of spiting you in this peculiar situation.

you just shake your head and follow him with your arms crossed, the morning was incredibly cold and the small voice in your head was just begging to be wrapped in his warm arms to shed away from the north's heinous winter. once the two of you walk into the gas station, it's like everything clicked. the little dingle of the door bell going off, nothing had changed. in the span of six years, absolutely nothing changed. maybe that meant the same for us.

he looks back to you with a smile that could make you buck your knees, you missed him. you really did. an unfathomable amount. he points to the slushy machines with a quiet giggle, seemingly at how they didn't even take off our sticker that we left half a decade ago. you softly pouted as you walked near him and the machine, cocking your head at the sun bleached strawberry sticker. you couldn't even remember why the hell you put it there, but none the less; it made that one feeling defrost even more. he just shakes his head with a smile and grabs the cups to fill up, and as he did so, you couldn't stop looking at his side profile. in this lighting, you could really see just how much his face changed. it almost hurt to see, not that you minded his new facial hair style, it was just bittersweet to know you knew him as the boy who could barely grow a mustache.

the baby faced boy who'd hold your face still to cover your face in kisses after an argument, go on hour long rants on just how much he loved radiohead, or treat your skin like it was a gift for him to endearingly care for. you could almost hear the tune of all i need by radiohead playing in your head as you watched him fill up the cups slowly. the same song that the two of you would sing along to with your noses basically touching. you knew you would do just about anything to go back to that, even for a second.

flashback

the two of you rushed down the street, both of your breathing completely out of control. belting out into laughter as you both stopped on the side walk to relax, your eyes connecting with his instantly. the only thing that was illuminating his face in the night was the street lights, creating an almost perfect golden amber onto his skin. it's like these moments had to have been written out beforehand, your young mind could've only hoped to experience this level of excitement in the earlier years. except now, it's front of you now, smiling at you with the most adorn brown eyes.

"can you- shit. can you believe we actually did that? i would've thought we... we would've gotten caught." he chuckles out as he tries to catch a hold of his breath again. you rapidly nod with an almost childlike giggle, this had to have been a dream. not that you'd ask to be pinched in a time like this though. he then pulls out his car keys and jingles them near his face with a smile. the two of you somehow escaped through security to leave campus past midnight, and it appeared the two of you were going to take major advantage of this adrenaline.

he quickly grabs your arm a bit roughly as he turns to run towards his car, he was so adamant about getting you to himself in his car. yeah, you had been in his car numerous times by now. not like this however, he wanted to make it a picture perfect experience. for you didn't know, but he was weeks away from finalizing his decision to drop out and leave you to your lonesome. the sounds of both your laughter as you ran to his car just seemed to blend perfectly in the night air. you eventually both hop into the car and take a deep sigh after the rush of energy seemed to drop as the two of you sat in the car. he looks over to you with a weak smile and leans his head against the headrest.

"you wanna go to our spot and get those slushys?" he said with a smile, you cheekily grin with a soft nod. it was so cute how he was already calling it 'our spot. i wanted to always be that way, just our sweet and ran down hideaway. he clicks his tongue and immediately starts up the car, clearly excited for this night escapade the two of you were following through with. it was always just day stuff in public, then dorm activities at night. either way, it seemed you two never really got a break from each other. so tonight was a bit more special. he was beyond happy to see how your face changed in the luminous lights, how your cheeks rosed up by the cold breeze, just anything that'd make him admire you more. if that was even possible at this point.

he eventually reels his car into the corner of the parking lot, the two of you shot your eyes to the little station. it definitely looked different at night, lot less people... lot less distractions... lot less of a chance people would see you if you were making the windows fog. he looks back to you and softly chuckles with a gentle nudge to your shoulder, he was obviously excited. but as were you, how couldn't you be?

you just shake your head with a smile and unbuckle yourself from your seat and swiftly make your way out of his car. peeking over the top to see him as he exited as well. god he really did look gorgeous in any lighting, but the night made something about him so different. he notices your lingering glare and rolls his eyes playfully, just turning around and walking towards the gas station's doors.

with your brain being at half capacity tonight, you just followed him with your hands tucked into your coat. it was another cold night in manhattan, who's shocked? the two of you quickly go inside and sigh out of relief when it's known that the little store supplies it's guest with heat, how thoughtful. you both grab your infamous pick of drink, coke and blueberry slushys, mixed into a swirl. he had brought up the idea of it first, the initial reaction to hearing that was his favorite was: "god, you're grosser than i thought." but that feeling was quickly replaced by satisfaction when you tasted it and realized, he had one hell of a point. it was another one of those small things that made you view him as the most precious thing the world could give you, even if to others it sounded plain stupid.

you both bring your XL cups to the register, filled to the brim with his weird concoction that he somehow got you to follow with. he was rather a 'gentleman' this night and decided to
'practice humility' by letting the tired cashier keep the change. the change was two dollars. you softly chuckle at the fact and leave with him to escape back to his car and settle into the nice warm breeze that came out of the vents as the both of you sat comfortably. the sound of the two of you slurping down on the drinks could easily drive a bystander crazy, but it was just the two of you. two dumb college kids were looking at each other like the other was the mona lisa in person. that's what was so special about the two of you, you didn't really have to say too much. your eyes spoke for you. the crooked smiles you two exchanged felt like hidden poetry between the wrinkles.

"i kind of want you to do something for me." he said to you, his tone a lot softer than usual. if he was asking to do something promiscuous in the parking lot, it's not like you'd say no. you softly giggled and gently chewed on your bottom lip as you anticipated his next words. this night was going so perfectly. he just sighed and rubbed his neck softly before speaking up again, his eyes practically burning through yours as he prepared himself to speak.

"i want to, um. i wanna bring you back to my house." he says quite quickly with a gentle grin, nervously chuckling afterwards. you take this as a sign that he just wants more space than a twin XL in the dorms so you cock your head and narrow your eyes at him. "for more space, huh?" you say with a rather smug expression. he quickly shakes his head with a smile and sighs, looking down to his seat for a moment and back to your gaze.

"no- not that. just... i want my parents to meet you. i told them about you and they said they'd love to finally see-" he speaks out but before he can even finish his sentence, he's left with a stern, "no, i'm not doing that." from you. you could see his face drop, the hurt growing in his face as he watched you in disbelief. what was wrong with wanting to meet his parents? was that against something for you?

"what? what's wrong with meeting my mom and dad? they literally said that they love how you sound?" his voice became to crack a little, you softly leaned back into the seat with a quiet sigh. so it was gonna be like this, huh? you knew this wasn't going to be an easy conversation. "i just don't want to. okay? can you understand that?" you say rather sharply, the tone of your voice almost making him jump.

"is it something about my parents? they're catholic and everything but they're not bad-" he pleads with you but you just cut him off with another comment, "it's you, johnny. i don't want you thinking i'm the settling type." your words nearly pierced a hole through the poor boy. how could such a sweet face say such cruel things in such a small amount of time? the two of you were just laughing it up in the gas station. now here you were, confused and arguing.

"settling type..? what the hell are you talking about? i never said anything about settling-" his face only showed more confusion and distain for you as he spoke, but once again; you just had to cut him off. "but you will! that's your whole fucking plan, isn't it? have my dumb ass show off to your uptight parents and then boom! what? we're fucking happily ever after and married by twenty one?" he could only lean back into his seat as you spoke, he couldn't believe how rash you were being. he just genuinely thought that these past few months have been great, yeah they've had some bumps, but he saw it as his destination into eternal happiness.

"i just like you." he says quietly as he looks down into his lap, just wishing some portal would appear so he could slip out of this situation and never have to remember it. "well, you know exactly what that leads into. i don't want that johnny. i told you that." he couldn't even bring his eyes up to look at you as you spoke so carelessly. he had completely abandoned his vow of abstinence for you, he had failed countless tests in the works of him staying at your dorm to talk to you about how 'the assassin creed games aren't historically accurate, he had been tricked into believing the girl in front of him was a girl he would watch become a woman. a woman he'd marry and share his life with, if she'd let him. but she didn't. because she just said so. no butting around the bush, no sweet let down, just straight no. no johnny, i don't want to see this more as fun. he suddenly felt so gross and disappointed in himself.

"i get the picture now, no need to over explain it." he says as he turns back on his ignition, not even bothering to look at you. he didn't want to, cause he knew if he did look over at your pent up self; it'd just bring him to tears. and tears were the last thing he wanted you to see on a night like this. you just cross your arms and take another sip of your slushy, suddenly the slushy just tasted dull. everything about this night was just dull now.

current time

then there were the two of you, once again in his car. only six years later. same slushys. same palpable tension. you sucked down on your straw, being hit rather violently with the wave of nostalgia it brought you. yeEOouch! he just looked to you and lowly chuckled, shaking his head as he took a sip of his own. that was another thing you noticed about him, his tone was so much deeper, even his accent was a smidge thicker. it's expected with age but it didn't make the wound sting any less. the wound that screamed at you and mocked you for your putrid behavior as a teenager that resulted in this mess of a situation you've brought yourself into now.

"is it bad i still like this shit?" he says as he creeps his eyes to you slowly, he was almost too terrified things would end like last time. you look over to him and softly chuckle with a nod,
"oh yeah. you're despicable." you roll your eyes and take another sip. that comment only made him chuckle more, this all felt just like old times. the good parts of it at least. but of course he had to open his mouth and say something he probably would regret.

"i don't think i've drank this since that night." he says rather quietly, as if he's ashamed to admit that the incident affected him to horribly to the point he couldn't even bring himself to enjoy his favorite drink. your face softened as he said that, you hadn't thought of that night in ages. you just assumed it drooped to the back of his mind, like it did with yours. "it's a. silly drink anyhow." you say as you poke at the slushy with the straw anxiously. he just softly nods and looks down to his own cup. he could tell he only made the atmosphere worse.

"it's funny that was the same night i was gonna tell you i was gonna drop out." he murmurs, quiet but loud enough for your unsuspecting ears to hear. you could feel your skin grow hot, he was going to fucking tell you? then just decided not to, because of an argument? are you fucking kidding me? "you didn't tell me because i didn't tell you i wanted to be your bride? are you actually being serious?" there it was. that same tone that pierced through his skin, so perfectly to his veins that it hurt on the inside and out.
"just didn't feel fitting, in that moment. that's all." his voice was once again that timid tone, the same tone that brought you back to the night six years ago.

you guys were right back to square one it felt like. "why didn't you tell me til you left. just fucking tell me that little fact." you huff out, you were so demanding on getting that bit of closure you clung to getting for the past six years. his eyes eventually trailed to yours after a moment of silence, he was almost too ashamed to admit it.
"i was eighteen and had feelings that weren't reciprocated. i felt it was better off if i just let you go before i hurt myself too far. just fucking sucks considering ronny got the outcome i prayed to god every night for." his eyes pierced through yours as he said that. you almost couldn't believe it, he let you go because of your own walls you put up. your stupid walls that kept you from living the life you secretly pleaded for, you were just too young to realize that level of maturity to admit it to yourself.

"worst part is, my mom didn't stop bringing you up for months after we stopped talking. she was so-" he stops himself with a humorless laugh, trying to fight back the urge to just cry. he felt like he was eighteen all over again. "she was so excited to see the girl that i told her was the evidence of god's grace." his words hurt. pained you. in ways you weren't sure if it could get worse than this. he furrowed his eyebrows and slapped his leg in frustration with another humorless laugh.

"but! who fucking cares. you're married, right? sleeping next to a guy who literally talked shit about you in freshman year. right. real good fucking choosing." his words were filled to the brim with fury, he couldn't believe he was finally getting this off his chest. actually saying it to your face. it just caught you off guard to hear his bit about how ronny apparently talked about you in the past. you had no recollection of it.

"yeah... your adorn and loyal husband labeled you as an easy woman by the way. said it was just too fucking simple to mold you. mentioned how your 'daddy issues' coincided with" he shakes his head and looks out the window with a sigh. "fucking coincided with everything, talked about you like you were a damn puppet. so what? are you pleased with your decision, huh? tell me the god honest truth. for once, would you?" his words charred at your skin, the worst part is that you had a feeling he wasn't lying. your husband saw you as a build-a-wife. your husband saw you as a project.

you just sat in shock and sighed, relaxing your body against the passenger seat and zoning out to the dashboard. i always felt like there was something wrong, but not to the extent of something like this. you really had wasted the past five years of your life, in the blink of an eye, you were left feeling like a used up toy. he saw the look on your face and immediately felt sympathetic, god why did he have to put it like that. he knew it was rash, he knew it was stupid to be so rude to you. he leaned forward in his seat and placed his hand on your shoulder and gently shook you.

"hey- hey. listen, i'm sorry. don't listen to me, i'm just a bitter man. i fucked up with admitting that to you." his words didn't help, but his touch only made the sensation grow inside of you. you were so afraid to move a muscle, in fear that you'd collapse right then and there. he sighed and remembered something you had said, so many years ago. leaning closer and pulling your chin so you were facing him. practically forcing you to hold eye contact with him before he said this. the words felt like vomit, but he had to say it. he promised he would.

"look at me-okay?" he said softly, and you just weakly nodded. you just wanted to cry. you wanted to retract from his touch and drive off to a motel and call your mom to tell her she was right about the men in the world. that was until he spoke up again, his breath shaking, "i love you." you could feel your body grow heavier as he said that. he said it just like how you asked him to, say it when you needed it. and god did you need it right now. when life felt like a lie, he instantly made it feel like a story. a colorful picture book that you'd reread to escape the harsh reality, even.

"i have loved you since you made me that-fucking stupid origami swan. i've loved you since you sung my favorite song in my dorm room. i've loved you even before you spoke to me. i can't keep acting like i don't." he said even more softly, his lip slightly quivering as he waited for your answer. but you didn't have words, only the sweet relief of kissing him again. pulling him in and clinging onto him like it was life or death. your lips gnashing and growing into a feverish motion. you just wanted to crawl over on his side, like old times. but this wasn't old times, this was two adults who realized they wasted so much time. too much time.

then reality hits you, it was getting closer to 6 AM. meaning your husband was more than likely getting ready for the day, you tried to block out the anxious thoughts as your lips explored his, it was just no use. you pulled back and stared at his longing eyes, you just wished it wasn't so hard to look at him. it was like everything went out the window when you did so. you clear your throat and shake your head back to consciousness before speaking up again.

"i think i need to- head back home." your words felt so choked out, you didn't want to say that. your brain was begging you to let go and just say something along the lines of'take me home with you and we can pretend the last six years didn't happen, let me be your statuette of perfection.' but you didn't, you had to play by the rules for now. he couldn't stand to hear your words of begging to go back home, he just wanted you to be wrapped around him. "it's your birthday for christ's sake. do you ever do anything for yourself?" he asked with a little more bass in his voice, he just wanted you to choose yourself for once.

"if i want anything to go the way i want it to. i have to look it in the eye, okay? just let me seek this alone. for now." your words made him hopeful, 'for now' you said? did that entail he'd have a ticket in store to explore life with you? rather than his lonesome day to day he found himself in? he just nodded and let you have your pick, he knew you were well thought out. he had a feeling you would know how to navigate this, even without him. you were always the head strong one in this dynamic after all.

you just sighed and quickly kissed his lips before opening the car door and sliding yourself out. his eyes never leaving your form as you were ripped away from him, he knew you had to do this. but he'd be stupid to complain when he had waited so long to even hear your voice again. "ill text you, alright?" he says quietly as he eyes you standing by the door, hoping his heart doesn't get ripped from his chest when he inevitably has to watch you drive away. those words sounded so foreign to you, but so right. you'd be lying if you said you weren't the smallest bit terrified he'd jump out again. just leaving you to yourself. you just tried to push those thoughts back. you softly nod and right before you shut the car door he speaks up again.

"happy birthday baby." his words echoed through your head, if only you could've been hearing that sweet melodic tone from his lips for the past six years. it was too late to ponder on the past, you had him back now, and there was no chance of you being stupid like you were again.

flashback

he adjusted himself in the seat of the confessional box, intertwining his fingers and looking down at the patterned carpet. he didn't want to be doing this, he was downright embarrassed of himself in this moment, but he knew he had to get it off of his chest somehow. he heard the soft shuffling of the priest on the other side, seeing the amber glow through the cut outs of the box, the box where he would have to explain his selfish desires. he was just hoping to find a small amount of solace in his existence, considering you weren't that anymore. you weren't his limerence now, you were a fading memory.

"in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy spirit. amen." he softly coos as he lets himself fall to his knees, shaking his head and looking down. "bless me, father, for i have sinned. it is... four months since my last confession." he closed his eyes in shame, he hadn't even been practicing his faith properly due to how much you overtook his life, it was every waking moment he thought of you. he just wanted a break, some sort of release.

"i fell in love with a classmate, father. she wasn't just a classmate though, she was, um." he opens his eyes and looks around in thought to think of how he should be wording this,
"she was a companionship. something i could've sworn was more, but it seemed it wasn't. i was foolish to believe in indulging into premature matures, so that's why-" he tried to not choke on his words but it was so hard not to, he could feel himself reeling in the memories and fought so hard not to cry, even if he desperately needed to.

"that's why i'm here." the words sunk into him, he had found so much torment in your absence that not even his faith was enough. he hated how he only felt a high of god when he was around you; as if you had a glowing presence that reminded him of everlasting grace. he just wanted to see you as a pitiful darkness that he could let go, but he would never see you that way. "i broke my vow, father. for the sake of human desires and letting my mortal selfishness get in the way of what truly matters."

he didn't even believe himself when he said that, he knew you were what truly mattered. your soft laughter was what kept him together, the way your skin always smelled of jasmine was what made his sense grow. though now, all he could smell was the bleak smell of oak. he desperately craved to smell your palate rather than this one that only reminded him of his shame.

"i wanted her to be my reason, father. i wanted to share my light with her, so that's why- that's why i did all the things i did. it was such a selfish decision on my part but i ache for her." he sighed and gently palmed his face as he closed his eyes, he could hear the shuffling of the priest slightly. then suddenly, the curtain was opened. the priest stood there with an almost sympathetic look in his eyes.

"did you feel his embrace when you saw her, son?" the priest's words were piercing, it was out of the ordinary for confessionals to go this way. he slowly picked his head up out of his hands, his eyes bloodshot from the dryness as he looked at the priest in the eyes. the priest could easily tell, this poor young boy wasn't a monster. he just bargained too heavily on the idea of a woman who'd suffice the amount of god's grace. a tale he'd seen numerous times before.

"i-i only knew true faith when i saw it in her eyes, father. i'm so deeply ashamed in my wrong doings." he could feel his eyes water as he admitted that, but he felt a sense of comfort when he looked into the priest's eyes - slightly seeing the look of a man who felt for him, who was beckoning him to release. "i just wanted to make her happy. i-i wanted to make her the woman that makes me a man." he just wanted to look down in shame as he said that, his breath hitching and the tears slowly making the way to his eyes.

"god doesn't put people in your life for no good reason, son. rather as a lesson of patience, some would call it. you let yourself down by succumbing to your desires, there's no pride in that. there is still time to repent, but you need to follow through with what you believe god wants you to process. do you understand that, son?" he slowly nodded at the priest's words, taking in every word as a virtue. he didn't know exactly what he meant by that at the time, it took him years to fully digest what that entailed. but he knew eventually, if something flies back- in the ways of serendipity, it was just a part of the plan.

that was the day he decided to let god make his final pick. as much as he knew it would sting, he still made the wound deeper. maybe if he stopped stitching the seams, you would pick up the needle and finish his work in progress. maybe if you saw the beautiful thread he embedded with every sweet memory of your existence, you'd understand what it meant to him for him to know you. actually know you.

present time

you begrudgingly walked through your front door, you were met with the sound of silence. why was it always that way when you came home? were you not worthy of someone rushing to you? you tried terribly to shake the thought of you running into johnny's arms in another universe where you let him be the man who made you scream i do. but he wasn't, he was a solidified memory that only made things in your life more difficult. as much as you wanted to love him, throw away your life and allow yourself to be fragile around him - you couldn't. how could you even begin that conversation with your husband? god, you felt like your mother.

your mother that clung onto a wine bottle like it was a rosary, believing if she kept that liquid love inside of her, she'd forget that the man who made her mother didn't leave her to become a shell of a woman. is that what you were becoming? a shell of yourself? were you destined to just envelop into nothing more than your husband's play thing? the woman he showed off with a gallic shrug, where you would have to flash a smile to prove yourself as 'worth it' to him. no. you weren't going to be that anymore.

you rubbed your face as you made your way to the living room, there wasn't any signs of your husband. it's like your absence didn't even occur to him, and that's what you hated the most. a part of you just wanted to scream at him at how you loved johnny. how you ached for him. just for him to give you the satisfaction of a fucking reaction. just for him to be more than your bland husband. you wanted to see him angry about you, sad about you, worst of all; happy about you. he was just complacent about you. it seemed you really were his puppet after all, weren't you?

flashback

you stood by the rustic door as you awaited your father to take your hand, it was the day of your wedding. a day none of your friends or family saw coming, considering your past endeavors. alas, you were doing it anyway. ronny and you had been dating since you were nineteen, you took his plea of letting him take you out. he met you when you were still figuring out how to navigate your happiness without johnny. it had been such a long year of absence. he gave you that mask of hope though, he did the things had to do as a boyfriend. meet your parents, take you out to dinner, promise you that you'd be comfortable. it was like you couldn't even recognize yourself in your wedding dress, your done up hair, and makeup. you were twenty two now though, you weren't eighteen. you were out of university and starting your masters, go you! right? ...right?

you were so shaken to have to walk down the isle, have to be met with all the faces of the people who told you numerous times 'you'd be stupid not to do this. all in all, were you smart for doing this? were you pleased to have to settle, with ronny? was ronny the one? was ronny the one who knew you? who begged to see the worst parts of you, just so he could appreciate your core? these were the questions that you didn't let your brain pry out, but if you did. would you be standing holding your father's hand about to marry ronny?

your father was holding onto your hand tightly, to the point it almost hurt. he didn't have a look of pride on his face, he looked cold. guess he always looked that way, huh? as the two of you heard the soft piano begin to play, you began walking slowly. then, he began softly speaking into your ear.

"you're wasting yourself, i hope you're proud." he said. you felt your skin go cold, but he didn't stop there. "i guess you'll just keep lying to yourself in the mean time, that's who you are. isn't it?" his words instantly made tears form in your eyes, his tone was so rough. it's like he couldn't have a nice thing to say even if he got paid for it. he gripped your hand even tighter causing you to wince and bite down on the inside of your cheek, "i almost believed you would be better than your fucking mother." you felt a tear fall down your cheek as he said that, of course everyone was awing at your emotional display. they thought it was because of happiness. this all just felt so fake. so manufactured.

the soft piano that rung through your ears almost sounded taunting now, as if the keys were screaming at you. saying evil nothings of 'this is your life now. enjoy it and take the blow. that's all you could do. take the blow. your eyes trailing to your husband to be, his smile was nearly just sneering at you. god, what were you doing? this was the prospects of getting security? you didn't even want stability anymore, you wanted yourself back. you wanted to be the careless girl you used to be, but you killed her to have this. you killed off any semblance of aggression, for this. fucking. this.

your head kept reeling, what if you were turning out like your mother? what if you became lost? are you giving up your placement of strength? turns out you never had strength, you just pretended to. this was your idea of coping.

you stared into the eyes of your soon to be husband as you stood face to face, exchanging vows, doing the necessary. the priest looked to you as he asked you the fateful question,
"do you take him to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold?" your body felt so heavy and sweaty. he looked so full of enthusiasm, meanwhile your eyes just looked full of reality. the darkness of knowing you're setting yourself up for a life of bleak misery.

"i do."

present time

the hours went on painfully slow, your husband really didn't notice your absence. for all he did was come out of his office with a shit eating grin and accompanied you in the kitchen. his hands kept roaming around you, rubbing his hand up and down your back when the only thing you wanted to do was eat and go to sleep. his eyes looking down at you, this was the only time of day where he at least pretended to care. he couldn't even care enough to see how cold you were on the inside, how your psyche played a loop of a sadistic punishment.

"you glad you got the day off for your birthday?" he says as he tries to fold his hands under the back of your shirt, you knew exactly what he wanted. "it's saturday, ronny." you quickly spit out. his eyes widen as he realizes his major fuck up, it really did seem like he didn't pay attention. he couldn't even realize your birthday this year fell on a saturday. "ah, right right. at least you've been able to relax, hey?" he says before he abruptly grips onto your behind, it was becoming more and more clear he only left his damn office to play with his favorite toy. not a person, not his wife. but a toy.

"what made you leave that office, ronny." your words felt so defeated, as if you knew you weren't going to get an answer you wanted. "you questioning me now? what's the problem, baby?" he says as he pulls his hand back to his side, he just looked at you like you were stupid. "don't play fucking coy with me, you only greet me to sleep." you choke out, your tone was so full of anger. you had been so waiting to snap and it felt like it was about to happen. turns out teen you will always be inside of you. his eyes narrow at you as i takes a small step back, "so that's what this is? what, am i not being a devoted husband? never mind the fact that my office is the whole reason you get to enjoy this house. did you forget that?" his words only made you feel small, he always had to make that a point. as if he just wanted to consistently remind you that you only got the 'dream life' because of his generational wealth. he was the blessed one, you weren't.

you just stood in the silence as he looked at you, even if you didn't want to admit it; he scared you. you were utterly terrified he would one day switch on you. terrified that his eyes would look exactly like your drunken father's. "nothing-it's nothing, i'm just tired. i'm sorry." you speak with such a defeating tongue. as if you couldn't be better to just, defend yourself. "that's what i thought." his eyes only seemed to get darker as he said that, what would he have done if you said differently? that thought alone made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. "you're looking at me like a damn battered child, what is your fucking issue today? it's your birthday." he says as he hovers over you now, but he wasn't wrong. you were looking at him like you were expecting a punishment, some things never change.

"i'm unhappy, ronny." you could feel your skin growing more cold, were you actually saying this? admitting the fact that you feel stuck and alone? "you're being ridiculous. you have it better than a lot of people, how could you be unhappy?" he says with an agitated tone. it's like he didn't want to believe that his plaything would transpire into something like this. "i don't feel like myself anymore. i feel fake." you couldn't believe the words coming out of your mouth, you were admitting out loud for the first time. maybe this is how growth happens. "god, you're self righteous you know that?" then there it was, he didn't care. he wasn't going to hold you and comfort you. why did you expect him to? then something switched in your head. as if that was your button that he accidentally pressed.

"take your condescending fucking tone and eat it. fucking eat it. i don't want to be here anymore." you practically bark out. his eyes only widened to your sudden tone. before he could say anything else to catch you, you stormed out of the kitchen with a groan to go up stairs. you had a plan, was it impulsive? yes. were you going to do it? yes. he began to chase you as you ran into the bedroom, you couldn't stop. racing to your closet to rip your clothes off the hangers, throwing them on the ground.

"five... fucking years. five fucking years." you kept repeating to yourself, you almost felt psychotic as you did so. he just stood by the doorway with a shocked expression, he couldn't believe you were acting this way. though it was a long time coming on your part, he just didn't care enough to pay attention to the warning signs. you continued to pull all of your clothes to the floor, you fell to your knees and began to laugh. you couldn't even tell why you were laughing. your belts of laughter only grew as you grabbed your suitcase in the closet, desperately trying to open it.

"what the fuck is the matter with you?" he yells out, his tone was terrifying but you almost had a shield of mania protecting you. nothing mattered anymore, you were doing this and you weren't going to stop. you just ignored him and threw your clothes messily into the suitcase, getting up to grab everything of your toiletries in the bathroom. tossing those into the suitcase, watching as your life was succumbed into a small box practically. this was all you had, just sitting there. you zip up the suitcase case and rub your face as you roughly grip the handle into your hands. you picked it up and grunted with another laugh as you approached your husband.

"fucking eat me." you say before basically dashing down the staircase with your suitcase rummaging behind you. he tried to follow you but it wasn't any use it seemed, you were going to do this. you reached the front door and grabbed your purse and car keys. flying open the door and pushing yourself out with everything you had in hand, you could hear him yelling and cussing at you. you just didn't care. you popped open your trunk and threw the suitcase in. this was it, this was your quarter life crisis evidently. you closed your trunk and rummaged yourself to the front door of your car but your husband was gripping onto your hand. you looked into his eyes, but all he could see in yours was pure adrenaline. your pupils almost filling your iris. the look set him back, as he slowly let go of you.

"you just- you just need a break, right?" he says, almost begging that this wasn't over. you humorlessly laugh and shake your head as you pull open your car door. "i gave you too many chances to prove you viewed me more than a fucking concept." you say as you hop yourself in and throw your purse in the passenger seat. you immediately started up your ignition and sighed. "i love you." his voice echoed in your head, you didn't let it trip you. you just looked to him from the outside of your door and smiled.
"you love an idea of me. and that idea will never be me." you scoff and slam your car door shut, you watched his shellshocked face as you pulled out of the driveway.

the past five years have been wasted, but this was the path you knew you had to follow through. you didn't even know where you going to go, the roads just looked empty to you. the dusk was eating away at the sky and it only made you feel worse. you were free now, but what were you to do with all this freedom? you eventually pull to the side of the road and immediately burst into tears, hitting your head against the steering wheel as you wailed out. it just all felt so wasted. you peer your eyes to your purse and stabilize your breathing as you shakily grab your phone. unlocking it and immediately calling him. you closed your eyes and breathed in and out as slowly as you could to keep yourself from hyperventilating. just answer. just pick up.

he answered and could immediately hear your shaky breaths before you even spoke up, it's like he knew exactly what happened. "baby-breathe. okay?" he says softly in an effort to calm you down. the sound of his voice slowly bringing you back down as you prepared yourself to speak up again, "i-shit. i left ronny." your words froze him, it had only been twelve hours since you last seen him and you do this? he had a feeling you were either self sabotaging yourself, but he knew whatever it was; you weren't well.

"are you driving right now?" he asked, getting increasingly worried for you. he knew how you were when you acted like this. it was just incredibly unsafe. "i'm on the side of the highway right now in my car." you choked out as you wiped your face. "i need you to stabilize yourself before you keep driving, can you tell me five things you see right now?" his words just knew exactly how to soothe you, something ronny was never able to do. "i- um. i see the railing, i see the cars, i see my purse in my seat, i see- fuck. i see my air freshener, and i see a paper bag on the road." that small little practice actually calmed you down.

your breathing was much less labored, you could feel everything more clearer. "good, good. are you feeling better?" he asked with such a gentle tone, it instantly made you shake out the last of your trembling. "yeah-yeah. i do." you looked out the window as you said that, wiping the excess of tears off your stained cheeks. "can i please just- come over." you choke out, you were terrified he would say no, that you were pushing it too far. maybe you were, but your delusions wanted it so desperately.

"i’ll send you my address, okay? matter a fact, send me your location while you drive. please be safe. just do that for me." you nodded as you immediately took your phone to your ear to send him your live location. "there- i did it." you softly say, you could hear his sigh through the speaker, then seeing the message of his address. it was a good drive away, but you didn't care. you were going to see him. you weren't going to waste any more of your time, you simply couldn't afford it.