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Dan’s never really been a ‘girly girl’. Or a girl at all, for that matter. She’s always strayed from considering that she’s anything other than a girl, though— that’d be far too much mental strain. And, besides, being trans is a thing that you know right from the get-go, isn’t it? It’s a sort of lingering feeling from the day you had gender norms forced upon you, never quite fitting in, never really feeling comfortable in your body, as far as Dan knows.
So, when she’s at the end of her rope— when she’s about to snap— when she’s at her absolute limit—
Is it really any surprise that everything she’d been hiding in the back of her mind comes crashing back down?
It doesn’t click at first, though; of course not. It comes out in the form of extreme anxiety and symptoms she’s never had before. A weird tightness in her chest that she feels whenever someone brings up her body, gendered or otherwise, a feeling that she attributes to the mortifying ordeal of being known. A strange pride in being called a tomboy, or even just a boy, that she feels has to do with hating the things that come with being a woman in the public’s eye. A crushing, burning, twisting pain in her stomach every time someone uses her name or pronouns, that she thinks… well, that one is, um, a little harder to explain.
She can’t be trans, though. That’s just not possible. She doesn’t want to be trans. Not because she hates trans people, not at all! Just because… she’s not. It can’t be right.
When she finally gives in and starts exploring, though, sifting through herself on some sunny day, trying to get to the root of what’s wrong with her, per her therapist’s advice… it almost clicks.
At least, the idea is brought to her attention. She realizes that… yeah, she fits the bill. A lingering feeling from the day she was made aware of gender? Yeah, but that was surely just hating the world’s view of what it means to be a woman. Never quite fitting in? Yeah, but that could be the anxiety, couldn’t it? Never quite feeling comfortable in her body? Yeah, though that must be some other disorder she’s yet to find the words for.
So, as much as it would make sense, it doesn’t, because there’s other explanations for all the symptoms.
She brings it up to her therapist, who gives her a funny look that she can’t quite interpret, and then moves on to a different topic.
After that appointment, it clicks a little more.
And day by day, hour by hour, it sinks in more, and more, and more.
… okay, maybe she’s trans.
Dan starts by changing his name. Online, at least, in nicknames and display names. Changes it to just Dan, not… what it was before. Thank god he has an easy name to switch; his nickname is a guy’s name.
Eventually, he changes it fully from everywhere it was his deadname (if he’s allowed to say that? He’s not… all the way sure he’s trans just yet) to Daniel. That feels good, he thinks. it feels freeing— it feels like being loved. He can’t explain why just yet, but it’s the truth.
He changes pronouns next. Online again, on insta and twitter and everywhere he uses somewhat regularly. This leads to… a lot of dms. Some confused strangers, some worried family, some supportive friends, and everyone in-between. Generally, though, he gets positive feedback.
There’s no going back now.
Dan still doesn’t quite identify as trans— he just tells people that he’s not a girl; which is true, he thinks. If he’s wrong, he’s fucked, but it’s what he needs right now, and that’s reason enough.
So, with trembling fingers and a nervous flutter in his stomach, he sends out a post. A different one to all his socials. One about his transition.
That’s when he realizes it was inside him all along.
Dan was never really trapped inside his body. Sure, he wasn’t comfortable in it, — and still won’t be until he starts HRT — but he was more so trapped in how he perceived gender and transsexuality. To him, before… all this, transness was a sort of rare occurrence that a few people felt. Something that would never apply to him. Maybe it’s his fault, for having a somewhat narrow perspective on the subject, or maybe it’s society and the world’s fault, for being a shitty place, to put it frankly. No matter that, though.
He was inside himself all along.
Maybe everything is all cheesy and overdone in trans media, but it’s true. For him, at least.
So, for now, he’ll let himself feel loved. Let himself be happy, free.
Transsexuality is a blessing to the world, and Daniel couldn’t be happier about it now.