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Chapter Text

James had always lived in his older brother’s shadow. 

Growing up, he knew good and well that he wasn’t his parents’ favorite. Darwin was the golden child, the prim and proper prince, the most fitting heir of the estate. 

James may as well have not been there, as far as his parents were concerned. He didn’t know why they even bothered to have him, nearly four years after Darwin was born. They didn’t need a second heir, that much was certain with how they largely acted like he didn't exist in the first place. 

He was slated to act as the second in line for the estate, as if anything would happen that would pull their precious, perfect Darwin out of the running. 

It wasn’t that James wanted to be the head of the household one day, anyways. He was satisfied enough to blend into the background of family photos, to stand slightly off to the side to make it clear he was the unwanted of the two.

Truthfully, he didn’t pity Darwin one bit. He saw how much stress his older brother was put under daily. He witnessed first-hand how his "princely lessons," whatever that meant, wore him down, threatening to take away any spark of his true personality. 

A true personality that only James bore witness to, in the safety of the night when Darwin snuck into his bedroom after their parents had fallen asleep. It was only then that Darwin would allow himself to laugh, to cry, to smile so hard that his teeth showed or turn his lips downward until frown lines formed between his eyebrows. 

James didn't want that for himself, he held no desire to put on an act of poise and pretentiousness that didn’t reflect his true self. So yeah, he preferred things this way. He could frown whenever he liked and faced only minimal scolding, because he wasn't expected to be the spokesperson for the family. He could roll his eyes and shake his head, and he'd be dismissed as nothing more than a bratty teen who was going through his rebellious phase. 

The best part of being the forgotten child was his uncanny ability to sneak off now and then without being noticed. During those times, he holed himself away in his room and played games on the console Darwin snuck into the manor for him.

You see, they were both basically treated like prisoners in this huge mansion. They had private tutors who taught them every subject, so they didn't even have the excuse of school to allow them to see the light of day. It drove James stir-crazy, how he was doomed to rot in this huge house with no outside connections. 

Their parents were paranoid freaks, convinced that if their sons went outside unattended, they'd be gunned down. No amount of James trying to convince them that this wasn't the 1950s anymore and nobody gave much of a fuck about one of many families with even an ounce of royal blood flowing through their veins swayed them. 

Darwin was allowed out sometimes, only when their parents wanted him to be photographed doing good deeds to feed their agenda. They loved to drag him along to charity events, fundraising for various organizations. It was funny to James, because with their wealth, they could easily donate large sums of money on their own without holding such grand, performative events. 

It was during one such outing that Darwin managed to sneak away long enough to purchase a gaming console. Their parents would freak out if they knew James had it, something about how gaming wasn't proper and who knew what the other players might be up to. As if anyone would be crazy enough to use an online first-person shooter to stalk a potential second-in-line prince. 

James didn't give much of a fuck about the whole "royalty" thing. He just wanted to be a normal guy, who got to wear whatever he wanted and talk to whomever he chose. As it stood, he was confined mostly to his room, because it was the only place his parents never bothered to walk into. Why check on little old James when they could be doting on their perfect child instead?

Not to say that Darwin was any bit like their parents. Sure, he blended in with them well, always ready to play the part of the perfect son. But he was caring in ways their parents were decidedly not, looking after James since he was a mere toddler. 

He was the one who taught James how to read, mostly because he didn't let a single night pass without reading James a bedtime story. He'd haul a variety of books into James' bedroom after dark and allow him to choose one. They weren't childish books, either. They were huge ones, with word counts four-year-old James could hardly even imagine. 

Darwin would read one chapter per night to him, making sure he could see the pages and follow along. Before he knew it, he was able to recognize certain letters and words. 

His tutors had been amazed when James needed hardly any teaching to be able to read above his grade level. They called him a child prodigy, not that his parents cared about that. It wasn't true anyway, he wasn't very gifted at all, he just thrived under his big brother's care and attention. 

Darwin was the real child prodigy, who managed to read proficiently by the age of eight, enough to teach his younger brother how to read too.

Darwin taught him how to ride a bike when he was six years old, even though it took a lot of begging their parents to allow it. They didn't want their sons to have a single scratch, obsessed with keeping up a pristine image. In the end, Darwin always knew how to get them to agree. James didn't know how he did it, but he reaped the benefits every time. 

James had cried when he ended up falling down and skinning his knee, blood staining the concrete pathway in the middle of the garden. Not because it hurt, it wasn't much more than a small sting that could easily be ignored. 

No, he cried because he knew he would get in trouble, and he'd have to face the scowl of his father as he was shouted at for injuring himself and dirtying his pants with blood and grout. 

James preferred when his parents ignored his presence, it was much easier to deal with than when they yelled at him. 

Darwin, at just ten years old, held him close and told him he would take care of it. And he did. He always did. Their parents didn't scold James at all, and Darwin tended diligently to his small wound, covering it with a large, colorful bandage.

Darwin was not only the perfect son, but also the perfect brother. And while the former may have been a mere act to keep their parents happy, the latter was genuine. No matter how much James was ignored by their parents, Darwin never made him feel forgotten. 

He paid a visit every night, even when James was no longer a child who needed a bedtime story to fall asleep. One such night, when James was ten and Darwin was fourteen, the older was giggling to himself as he made his usual trek to James' bed. 

James sat up properly on his mattress, smiling at his brother's exhilaration. It wasn't an emotion he often got to see his brother display, an elated smile lighting up his features and a twinkle in his eyes that made him appear more alive. "What's so funny, Winnie?" 

Darwin all but jumped onto his bed, irises shining in wonder. "I heard it, Jamesy. The voice that our tutors talked about." 

James gasped, mouth dropping open in surprise. The concept of soulmates wasn't new to him, it was something their tutors had been telling them about since they could talk. They knew that one day, the pretty voice of a lady would fill their head, letting them in on her thoughts. 

When they were older, they'd be allowed to meet their soulmate. And if she was deemed fit to be married into the family (which she should, because their soulmate would obviously be someone who perfectly fit into their lifestyle), then they would get married and that would be that. 

Darwin was filled with excitement, not allowing James to get a word in edgewise, mouth running a mile a minute. It was the most eager James had ever seen him, which made him happy. But he was also sad, because he wished he could see this side of his brother more often, all burdens of the crown fallen to the wayside as he rambled about something that brought him genuine joy. 

"I was waiting for mother and father to fall asleep, then I heard someone speak directly into my head! They said," Darwin deepened his voice theatrically before continuing, "How am I supposed to sleep with all this racket? I should go out there and smack him with his construction hat!" 

James giggled at the silliness of the phrase, as well as how funny the exaggerated deep voice Darwin put on was. "Why does she sound like that?"

Darwin paused then, smile turning sheepish as his gaze dropped down to the mattress. "Well, it's… not a girl." 

James blinked a few times, allowing that information to sink in. He'd never considered the possibility of his brother's soulmate not being a girl. After all, the only model he had for a relationship was his parents. And his tutors were always talking about how he'd make some young lady very happy someday, whatever that meant. 

But he hated the way Darwin looked then, almost apprehensive, shifting around and fingers twitching as if he was unsure how James would react. As if James would ever feel anything but unconditional love for his caring older brother.

He decided then and there, anything that made Darwin happy was okay with him. Anything to wipe that nervous look off his face and return the smile that had waned to make space for insecurity.

"Sounds like he's funny, maybe he can make even stuffy mom and dad laugh." 

"Mother and father," Darwin gently corrected him, out of habit more than anything else. Because his parents always scolded him when he didn't speak as properly as they liked, and Darwin tried to get him to use the correct speech to spare him the lecture. But then, he seemed to register the rest of James' sentence, for his eyes widened. "You don't care that it's a boy?"

James shook his head, rolling his eyes. "Winnie, why would I care about that? You're still my big brother." 

Darwin's delighted smile from before was successfully put back in place, and he pulled James into a hug so tight that all his breath was squeezed out of his body. 

When Darwin released him, it was only to hold his pinky out in front of James' face. "Pinky promise to not tell mother and father about this?" 

James gazed at his finger with confusion, eyebrows furrowing together. "But why? Don't you need their help to find your soulmate?" 

Darwin's smile was tinged with sadness, and his eyes were pools of complex emotions that James was too young to understand. Perhaps years later, when he looked back on the memory, he'd be able to decipher why his brother, who had been forced to grow up too fast and should've been doing nothing but laughing with glee, held such deep melancholy in his gaze. 

"Just let your big brother worry about that, okay?"

At the moment, James couldn't really understand. But he linked their pinkies together all the same, because he knew it was always him and Darwin against the world. He trusted his brother, and if this was best kept a secret, he'd go along with it without question. It wasn't like James ever told his parents anything, anyway. 

Things continued on as they always had. The only thing that changed was that, among their usual gossiping in the dead of night, Darwin would tell him tidbits of what Lava, his soulmate, had said to him throughout the day. 

That was always James' favorite part of their meetings, only because Darwin actually looked his age when he talked about his soulmate, eyes shining in childish glee as his facade of forced maturity slipped temporarily out of place. 

Darwin was always complaining to him about how irritating it was to put on plastic smiles for the cameras and wear stuffy suits that made breathing difficult. But he was such a natural at it, you’d think the polite smile was plastered permanently on his face, the stiff posture just a part of his usual gait.

Whereas James appeared anything but natural, always tugging on the uncomfortably tight blazers with his lips pressed into a thin line, refusing to be a pawn in his parents' games. They never treated him like he mattered in the grand scheme of things, so he didn't care to go out of his way to go along with their plans. 

He was satisfied with being the problem child, the one who would never live up to any expectations. He grew comfortable with his role, with the way they never anticipated anything great coming from him. 

That is, until his entire world was turned upside down on one random night, not long after his fourteenth birthday.

“James, I’m turning eighteen soon. You know what that means, right?” 

Darwin was sitting on the edge of his bed, a familiar position. What wasn't so familiar was the serious look on his older brother's face, dark circles painted under his sunken eyes as if he hadn't slept in days, not so much as a hint of a smile curling about his lips. And the way he addressed James, lacking the usual playful syllable added onto the end of his name, was another indication something was amiss. 

James tilted his head to the side, regarding Darwin with quiet contemplation. Of course, there was an obvious answer to this question, but it didn't really explain why Darwin appeared so pensive. Still, it was the only explanation he could think of, so he went with it. “Your coronation?” 

Sure, these may not be the olden days when princes were promoted to kings and lived in grand palaces. But still, coronations were a huge deal, marking the passage of power from one generation to the next. Darwin had been trained since birth to take over the family estate, to run their manor's affairs and be the spokesperson for the family. 

Darwin turned to him with the grimmest expression he’d ever seen painted across his face. “Yes, but… I’m not talking about that.” He gave a frustrated sigh, running a hand through his hair, messing it up from its typically neatly-styled form. “Jamesy, they… they want me to marry a woman. A princess from a neighboring province.”

James' blood ran cold, and suddenly he understood why Darwin looked like he was at death's door. 

Darwin had successfully kept his secret of having a soulmate for four years. Every time James asked why he wouldn't tell their parents, he gave that same sad smile and told him he was too young to understand. 

So far, Darwin lacking a soulmate wasn't too suspicious to their parents. Many people didn't hear their soulmate's voice until their late teens. But Darwin was turning eighteen very soon, which was largely considered to be the hard limit.  If you reached your eighteenth year in life with no voice ringing in your head, you were most likely soulmateless. 

It wasn't like it was unheard of for people to lack a soulmate, but it certainly wasn't the norm. Only a small portion of the population fit into that classification. And their parents, seemingly assuming Darwin belonged to that category, were ready to marry him off to the most suitable woman they found.

The problem was, Darwin did have a soulmate. And he certainly didn't intend to be forced into a marriage born out of greed rather than love when his soulmate had waited four long years just for the possibility of meeting him. And with Darwin's birthday fast approaching, something had to give.

Over the years, Darwin had gotten very close with Lava. They shared all of their thoughts, and James caught him fighting a smile around their parents on countless occasions, no doubt finding something Lava thought particularly amusing. 

James almost felt jealous of him, if only when it came to this one thing. Because he was now at the age Darwin was when he first heard Lava's voice, but he heard nothing. He thought it would be nice to have someone to share his thoughts with, someone who would understand him other than his older brother. 

Because as much as Darwin tried his best to look after him, he was a very busy man. James spent many hours of his days alone, when he wasn't being tutored. Sure, he made the best of it by playing as many games as he wanted in the privacy of his room, but he longed for company. 

He'd never dare complain, though. Because he knew how hard Darwin worked, how much he studied and practiced various instruments until his fingers bled, attended events until he nearly fainted from exhaustion, held onto his fake smile even when his head was pounding from a migraine. 

And yet, he always made sure to visit James at the end of the day. He never let his exhaustion stop him from seeing his younger brother. Even if it meant crying into his hands as James patted his back, even if it meant asking James to help him bandage his torn fingertips, even if it meant fainting into James' bed. James always made sure to tuck him in properly and allow him a small nap when that happened.

James took it upon himself to stay awake as Darwin napped. Mostly because he knew they couldn't risk him getting caught in James' room. If their parents knew about their late-night meetings, they'd surely put a stop to them, claiming that "good princes" go to bed early. 

James would allow him to rest for a few hours before waking him up, even though he wished he didn't have to. 

"I fell asleep?," Darwin would groggily mutter, rubbing at his eyes. James had to hold back a frown every time, because he knew Darwin hadn't simply fallen asleep. He'd collapsed, his body had given out on him as soon as he made it to James' bed. That was the only explanation for his eyes already being closed before his head hit the pillow. 

Frankly, it was very impressive that he'd managed to hold himself up long enough to make it to the mattress, rather than crash out on the floor along the way. That would be a frightful mess, Darwin getting caught in the morning snoozing away on the tiled floor of the hallway. 

So yeah, James never tried to beg Darwin to spend more time with him, no matter how lonely he got. He knew his older brother was doing his absolute best. But still, that didn't put a stop to James' loneliness, and he wished to one day soon have a soulmate of his own to share his thoughts with.

But now, seeing how distraught Darwin was made it seem like not such a grand idea after all. 

“Can’t you just tell them you won’t do it?,” James asked, in true childish fashion. Well, he was still a child, after all. And his older brother had always been able to sway his parents, whether it was into allowing them to have cookies after dinner (they always said "No" when James asked) or letting them play in the garden during the sunniest hour (they didn’t want their precious Darwin to get sunburnt.)

Darwin shook his head miserably. “I already tried. I even told them about Lava, but it only made them more eager to marry me off. They intend to… force me.” Darwin never looked as small as he did then, a deep frown out of place on his face and worry lines creasing his brow. “I have to leave, I can’t take it anymore. Lava, he… he’s waiting for me.” 

James didn’t think his parents would stoop so low as to go against the very foundation of society, the soulmate system, just to ensure their bloodline continued. They should be rejoicing that Darwin had a soulmate after all, they should be inviting Lava to the mansion and giving their blessing. 

Of course, that was just a pipe dream. Having a man as a soulmate meant no heirs could be birthed from their union, which was a major taboo in their circles. Their parents really were that obsessed about the whole royalty thing, they'd rather make Darwin miserable for his entire life than allow him to be with a man. 

James recalled when Darwin first told him about Lava, uncontrolled giggles falling from his lips. His smile was wide and bright, lighting up the room, exuding hopefulness and glee.

James wondered where that excited child was now, because all he saw before him was the defeated form of a man who’d taken on too many burdens that shouldn't have been his to bear. 

He hated his parents more than ever at that moment. Hated them for robbing Darwin of his childhood, for wearing him down over the years of constant pressure, for treating him like a plastic doll that was all theirs to dress up and parade around and brag about to other royal families. 

"James, you have to come with me. I’ll take care of you." Darwin nodded to himself, as if it was just a fact of life that James would tag along in his escape attempt. "We’ve never needed all of this, you know. All we need is you and me."

James could hardly see through the tears blurring his eyes, which he tried to blink away, but they just kept coming. They fell down his cheeks, quiet lines of misery that spelled out his grief for his brother's suffering. “I… I can’t.”

Darwin appeared surprised, one hand frozen where it had been rising to wipe away James' tears. An instinctual move, perhaps, one born from many years of comforting his little brother. "Why not?” 

James swallowed against the lump in his throat, moving to sit directly beside Darwin, legs hanging off the edge of the bed. “Think about it, Winnie. If they’re left with no heir, what do you think our parents will do?” 

“Kick rocks and deal with it?”

James snorted, always amused to hear Darwin speaking in such an unrefined way. He was the only person privy to Darwin's snarky side, other than perhaps Lava, who was probably listening to their conversation through Darwin's thoughts.

“No, dummy. They’ll stop at nothing to find you. You’ll never be safe.” He heaved a heavy sigh, wiping away his own tears, as it seemed like he’d have to do from then on if his brother was really leaving like this. “At least, if I’m here… they’ll still have an heir, maybe I can convince them to leave you alone.” 

Darwin’s face crumpled, and now he was the one with tears pearling in his eyes. “Don’t say that, it’s not your responsibility. Fuck, it shouldn’t be either of our responsibility."

James took a shaky breath, grabbing one of Darwin’s hands to hold it like how his big brother always did to soothe him in times of crisis. “You’ve spent your whole life taking care of me and putting on an act for our parents. You deserve to be happy, too.”

Darwin's gaze dropped to their joined hands, melancholic and defeated. “But what about you, James?"

“I’ll manage. And besides, I haven’t heard my soulmate’s voice yet." He knocked his shoulder lightly against Darwin's, trying to dispel some of the tension by being playful. It didn't really work. "Maybe she's a princess and our parents will get the grandchildren they always wanted, and you can live in peace with Lava.” 

Darwin's free hand lifted to wipe away the fresh tears falling down James' face, a twinge of fondness finding a home on his otherwise downtrodden face. "I swore to never tell you this, you know. But it's all I can think of to convince you." 

That was how James learned just why his parents were so keen to toss him aside like a broken toy, and why Darwin was always playing the part of the perfect son. 

You see, James was a fussy baby. And his parents hated that about him, often leaving him for the nannies to deal with so they didn't have to listen to his cries. But what could he do? He was just a baby who yearned for comfort, for his parents, who were supposed to take care of him. 

Darwin was nearly four years old when James was born. He'd taken to his younger brother immediately, and even way back then, he was sneaking into James' sleeping quarters. The nannies allowed it, because Darwin was the only person who could get James to stop crying. 

Darwin would sit in the rocking chair in the corner of baby James' room. He'd set James down on his lap and rock him until he fell asleep, softly humming to him all the while. His hums were only interrupted by positive affirmations, "I'll always protect you, Jamesy." "Shh, big brother is here." 

He'd sit there for hours if that was what it took. Then, when James was asleep, he'd get the nannies to set him down in his bassinet. 

James was referred to as a "troublemaker" by the age of three. He would act out, throwing blocks across the room and knocking things down to get any attention from his parents, even in the form of yelling and shouting. 

"This isn't how a prince acts," they would tell him, as if he understood what that meant. His childish brain couldn't comprehend why he wasn't allowed to play with other kids his age, why he was expected to sit still for hours at a time and pose for family portraits, why they only ever wanted him to sit down and shut up. 

James always ran to Darwin after he was scolded, clinging onto him and crying about how mean their parents were. "It's okay, Jamesy. I won't let anything happen to you. Pinky promise." That was the first time they made a promise in such a way, and it certainly wasn't the last. It became a tradition, and they had many secrets they wouldn't dare tell their parents, all sealed with connected pinkies.

James didn't know just how much Darwin meant those words. Merely seven years old, Darwin marched up to their parents and offered a deal. If they left James alone and didn't try to force him into fitting their image, he would go along with whatever they wanted. 

He'd let them dress him up like a doll, parade him around the streets, and force him to speak to as many nobles as they wanted, all with a smile on his face. All they had to do was not turn their scrutinizing gaze to James, allow him to play with toys in the living room even if he made a mess, let him run around and fall down and get hurt because that's just a part of growing up. 

In exchange, Darwin would make sure he was always presentable. Always approachable, easy to look at, every part the perfect heir for their family. And James would be allowed to blend into the background as much as possible, easily forgotten, able to sneak off without being noticed. 

"Jamesy, if you stayed behind, they'd just make you into their doll next. That's why you have to come with me." 

Of course, with Darwin out of the picture, their parents would have no reason to hold up their end of the bargain. He would be their sole heir, and he'd be forced to fill the void left behind by Darwin's absence. 

He could kiss any individuality away, say goodbye to his privacy, prepare to be forced to wear makeup and get photographed at all hours of the day. They'd break him down until all he could do was put on that same fake smile Darwin always wore, walking the same dignified strut with his back ramrod straight.

The expression on Darwin's face made it clear he wouldn't be backing down on this front. James knew if he didn't agree, Darwin would probably just stay there and force himself to go through with the arranged marriage so he could continue to watch over James. 

Darwin had already sacrificed enough for him. He'd given up enough, James wouldn't allow him to also give up the possibility of being happy with his soulmate. So, when Darwin held out his hand, James linked their pinkies without a second thought. "Okay, Winnie. I'll go with you." 

Darwin already had a whole plan set up, which amazed James, because this was the first time he was hearing any of it. Between Darwin's confession about his deal with their parents and this escape plan, James wondered what else Darwin was hiding from him under the pretense of not burdening him.

But now wasn't the time to think about that. For now, he just had to focus on the plan. Darwin was eager to escape as soon as possible, which was why he'd chosen the very next night for it.

Thanks to their parents' paranoia, there were usually two guards stationed at each entrance of the mansion. James had no idea how, but Darwin had somehow arranged it so that only one guard would be present at the back entrance that night.

He'd also managed to bribe that particular guard to conveniently take a bathroom break around midnight. That gave them a fifteen-minute window to slip out undetected. 

He was amazed at his big brother's ability to arrange all this. He really was so much more than the golden boy, the poster child for what a prince should be like. Their parents would never expect him to have such a sneaky side. 

There was, of course, also the security cameras placed strategically all around the outside of the mansion, including the back garden. This was where the tricky part came in. James had to somehow distract the guard that was watching over the cameras in the security room, long enough for Darwin to override the live feed of the cameras and replace it with a looping pre-recorded feed. 

Lava apparently knew a thing or two about hacking security cameras, and James was too afraid to ask what that meant. But what he understood from it was he'd have to put on an act as Darwin's soulmate talked him through switching the feed over. 

Darwin had everything planned out to the finest detail, but that did nothing to stop James' anxiety when the time came. There were so many things that could go wrong, which would no doubt end in Darwin being forced to live a miserable existence in an arranged marriage. 

Darwin came to fetch him, five minutes to midnight. They snuck through the halls, attempting to make their footsteps as light as possible. Most of the security was centered around the outside of the mansion, to keep intruders out. And to keep them in. So it wasn't that difficult to traverse the halls undetected, when all the staff was sleeping in their designated quarters. 

Even still, James' heart pounded with each step, making him feel like he was being super loud when really he was quiet as a mouse. 

They reached the security room with minimal effort. Darwin tilted his head towards the door pointedly. "You've got this, Jamesy. Just like we practiced." 

James nodded confidently, though he held no real confidence at all. His legs felt like jelly when he approached the door, and his hand shook when he raised it to knock, loud and insistent. 

The door swung open, and in the doorway stood a relatively young man, maybe in his late twenties. His face was full of confusion as he gazed down at the boy in front of him. "What is it, Young Master James? Shouldn't you be in bed?" 

James took a deep breath, steeling himself to put on the performance of a lifetime. He crossed his arms over his chest, setting his expression into a scowl and letting out an exaggerated huff. "Lowly servant, I demand you lead me to the bathroom this instant." 

The man was only getting more confused by the moment, and James watched as his eyebrow twitched in annoyance at the rude manner he was being spoken to. Mind you, James wasn't usually so disrespectful towards the staff. He held nothing against them really, all his hatred was directed towards his parents. But if he had to play the part of a spoiled brat for this to work, then he'd do it in a heartbeat.

"You know where the bathroom is, Young Master. Why do you need me to take you?" 

James stomped his foot, looking away as if in embarrassment. He even managed to force his cheeks to go red by holding his breath for a second too long. "It's too dark in the hallway, Jamesy is scared." 

He internally cringed at himself, wishing he could sink into his skull until he winked out of existence. This was humiliating, it was borderline torture to be viewed as a big baby who was too scared to use the restroom on his own. But it was the only feasible way to get the security room to be unattended for a few minutes.  

"I can't leave my post, let me phone one of the others-" 

"No, I can't hold it! Would you rather get fired for letting me use the bathroom right here?" 

The guard sighed, stepping over the doorway in assent. Luckily, he decided he didn't get paid enough to argue with a spoiled brat, especially not over something that could be taken care of in mere minutes. "Right this way, Young Master." 

And just like that, he was being led away. He resisted the urge to glance behind him to see if Darwin had already snuck into the security room, because that would surely give everything away. 

He felt slightly guilty because this guy was definitely getting fired for this. Oh well, maybe he could find a better place to work where his paycheck wasn't controlled by narcissists. 

After he pretended to use the restroom, the guard walked him back to the security room, where James dismissed him, "Does it look like I'm incapable of returning to my bedroom alone? Get back to work!" 

Darwin was hidden around the corner, and his slight smile told James everything he needed to know. That guard was now watching looping footage, meaning they needed the high-tail it out of there before he discovered anything. 

They made their way to the back entrance which, as promised, was abandoned. Lava was waiting for them outside the back gate, ready to drive them off to who-knows-where, anywhere but here. 

There was only one problem. 

James knew he was correct when he told Darwin their parents would stop at nothing to find them. They'd tear up the entire countryside, send hordes of police out to every neighboring province, they'd even bust out the helicopters. Because what they cared about the most was having a lineage, preserving the bloodline and passing down their wealth to a fitting heir. 

Darwin had already thrown away many years of his life for James' sake. He'd taken care of James at every turn, even to the point of transforming himself into a doll for his parents' wishes. 

It was James' turn to take care of Darwin. And the only way he could do that was by ensuring Darwin could escape, could run off with his soulmate and live as freely as he'd always wanted.

And sure, James may not be the cream of the crop, he may not be the perfect heir they dreamed of. But Darwin had a much better chance of living a life away from all this if their parents had their hands full with turning James into a proper heir.

He knew what he needed to do.

He just hoped Darwin wouldn't hate him for breaking his promise.

He lagged behind, just a bit, not enough to be noticeable, as they made their way to the back door. When Darwin had fully made it over the threshold, taking that first step towards freedom, James firmly shut and locked the door behind him, creating a barrier between them.

"Jamesy, what are you doing? We don't have time for this, let's go." Darwin tugged on the handle from the outside, but it wouldn't budge. 

James was once again swallowing against the lump in his throat, bottom lip trembling as tears filled his eyes. "You're right, you don't have time for this. So just go already, please." 

Darwin was beginning to understand where James was going with this, for his tugs on the handle became more insistent, his voice now pleading. "I can't leave you here, Jamesy. Please, just open the door." 

James shook his head, though he knew Darwin couldn't see it. Darwin was right when he said this shouldn't be their responsibility, and yet it was. 

Because his big brother had made it his life's goal to keep him as protected as he could from the burdens of princely life. He shouldn't have had to throw away his childhood, but he did. Just as James shouldn't have to throw away his future, but he was doing that now. 

"Winnie, I love you. Make sure Lava treats you well." 

There was a moment of silence, and they both knew the camera trick would be discovered soon, not to mention the guard would be returning. This would all be for nothing if Darwin insisted on begging James to open the door. James was really stubborn when he wanted to be, and this was one thing he was not surrendering on.  

Every second spent in silence was a second wasted, time slipping through their fingers. "You have to go now, Winnie. Don't leave your soulmate waiting any longer." 

James knew that was a low blow. He knew good and well how guilty Darwin felt for keeping Lava waiting on him for years, simply because he knew their parents would never allow their relationship. 

But it was all he could think of to get Darwin to move, to accept the truth that this was the best thing for him. He had to hit him where it hurt, remind him why he'd come up with this entire plot in the first place. 

"... I love you too, Jamesy. I'll get you out of there too, if it's the last thing I do."

Then Darwin was off. At least, James assumed so, by the sound of scuttling shoes slipping across asphalt. 

And just like that, James was all alone. In this big mansion, filled with empty promises and quiet platitudes. 

He sat right in front of the door, face buried in his knees and sobbing his eyes out. That was how he was found, mere minutes later, no doubt by the guard who'd been bribed. 

"Young Master James, what are you doing here?" 

James didn't say anything, just kept hugging his knees to his chest. Because the one person who could always get him to stop crying was no longer here, leaving his tears to fall like small rivers, overflowing down his cheeks and staining the knees of his pajama pants. 

A new set of footsteps arrived, along with an out-of-breath voice that James recognized as the man from the security room. He spoke to the other guard, informing him about the switched footage, and James only hoped Darwin was long gone by now. 

He hated how everyone acted like Darwin never existed. The staff had been ordered to forget about him, most likely. They were all supposed to move on and pretend that James, the unruly, unkempt child, had always been the single heir.

As he suspected, his parents didn't expend nearly as much effort tracking down Darwin as they would've if they'd been left with no heir at all. He heard whisperings from the staff when they thought he wasn't listening, that his parents gave up easily because any man who'd run off to be with another man was never fitting to be a true prince in the first place. 

It infuriated him to hear his older brother spoken about in such a way, which only heightened his hatred for his parents. But they were determined to whip him into shape, to transform him into an even better heir than Darwin was. The more he rebelled, the more they buried him with various lessons and classes, forcing him to wake up every day at six in the morning for piano lessons, of all things. 

On top of the usual school subjects, he was expected to learn various instruments and take courtesy classes, which he felt were the dumbest things ever. 

By the time he could catch some rest, it was already midnight and he would have fitful sleep, tossing and turning in the sheets. He never woke up feeling refreshed, in fact, he often woke with dried tears caking his cheeks. 

He missed Darwin. His one true source of kindness in this world, gone in the blink of an eye and James didn't know how to live without him. Didn't know how to deal with their parents, how to force his lips into a smile for hours at a time, how to walk around with his back stiff as a board and learn how to do everything "properly." Even sitting and eating had ways of being done improperly, it would seem, for how he was constantly scolded about it.

He'd watched in real time as this lifestyle drained everything out of Darwin, so he wasn’t exactly surprised when it did the same to him. In fact, erasing any ounce of his individuality got to him much faster than it did to his older brother. He wasn't as strong as Darwin. He didn't know how his parents thought they could start over with James, as if he could be even half as good at keeping up with princely duties as Darwin was. He was a pretty poor replacement. 

The only thing that kept him going was knowing his brother was out there somewhere, living his dream with Lava. And his midnight gaming sessions, which ensured he would be dead tired by the time he woke up. But playing the games his brother snuck into his room years ago was the one time he felt something other than numbness and dread, so he traded a few hours of feverish sleep every night for it.

Three excruciating years passed, wearing him down more and more each day. No matter how much everyone around him insisted on pretending Darwin never existed, James thought about him every day. His memories of his older brother were the only things that kept him going most days. Knowing now what Darwin had been going through for his entire childhood only made him feel guiltier for being the cause of it. 

Talks of his eighteenth birthday began. Since he hadn’t been trained since birth as Darwin had, his parents postponed his coronation. Until they deemed him fit to rule, whatever that meant. If it was up to James, they’d never deem him fit and would just put it off for all of eternity.

As it stood, he was still forced into taking so many classes that meant nothing to him. The highlight of his day, other than when he was playing games when he should long since be asleep, was when he was allowed to paint. 

He'd convinced his mother to hire an art tutor, they may as well since he had a tutor for everything else under the sun. He told her that people love art, and they find artists intelligent and insightful. That was enough to sway her into allowing James to add art class to his endless list of duties. 

His paintings were straight from his imagination, nature scenes that he could imagine himself witnessing in person if he wasn't stuck inside all day, every day. It was bittersweet, gazing at the lush greenery depicted in his paintings, for he knew he'd never bear witness to such a sight, not even in his wildest dreams. 

Seeing as he was seventeen without so much of a whisper of a voice in his head, he'd all but written himself off as not having a soulmate. Sure, he still had some months left before he turned eighteen, but he was well on his way there. Most people already heard their soulmate's voice by now.

Which was another bitter pill to swallow. Because as much as he longed for company, as much as he loathed not being treated like a human by anyone around him, he knew this was for the best. 

His life was a miserable one, guided entirely by his controlling parents. After Darwin's escape, you'd better believe they tripled the security measures around the mansion. James couldn't escape even if he tried. Any soulmate James would hypothetically have would only be dragged into this mess, forced to put on paper smiles and play an act nobody actually wanted to play. 

That is, if they were even a girl. A girl that his parents approved of, no less. Those were two hurdles that James wasn't sure would be possible for his potential soulmate to beat. It was much easier for all parties involved if he was soulmateless.

He was having a particularly rough day. He'd stayed up until three in the morning playing his games, which meant he slept through his alarm, which earned him a stern talking to by his mother. Then he was scolded further for having dark circles under his eyes, a consequence of only getting three hours of sleep, because he was making a public appearance that day and needed to look his best. 

James took all the harsh words silently, staring off into space. He was mostly able to tune the scoldings out by now, but they still stung like alcohol poured into an open wound. Just another reminder that he would never live up to their expectations. Which he was fine with before, when he had Darwin there to take up the mantle. 

But now, there was only him, and his parents would never let him forget how much of a disappointment he was. 

Then there was the public appearance itself, which was an entire mess. Mostly because James felt one second away from fainting the entire time, because on top of getting hardly any sleep, he'd refused to eat that morning. It was one of the only ways he could quietly rebel, not to mention he didn't have much of an appetite these days anyway. 

He was sure he appeared pale and sweaty in the snapshots taken by the photographers at the event, some charity thing run by his parents to serve as a tax write-off. Surely all of the attendants must have known that his parents held no good intentions? They didn't have a single kind bone in their body, not even one amongst both of them.

He was feeling particularly weak when he finally arrived home, but he had to endure more scolding before he was allowed to eat. His parents sat at the head of the table, his chair at the other end. 

He sadly gazed at the spot Darwin used to occupy, and his appetite left him once again. But his father was throwing him disapproving looks, so he forced himself to finish his food before excusing himself to shower. 

He lay in bed awake that night, no energy left in him to even play games. He gazed up at the darkness of the ceiling, making random shapes out of the shadows. He wondered what Darwin was doing then. Maybe he was also gazing up at the ceiling, but hopefully not in the same miserable manner James was. 

He was too weak to cry properly, so a mere few silent tears fell from his eyes as he wondered to himself, Can this life get any worse? 

He was so busy wallowing in self-pity that he almost didn't register what happened next. 

Holy shit, what was that? 

A voice rang out, echoing around his head and reverberating so loudly that he worried his brain would be knocked out of his skull. He clutched at his head, groaning and squeezing his eyes shut. His body had simply been through too much today, even thinking to himself was enough to cause him pain. 

Except, when he finally got his wits about himself, he realized that voice sounded nothing like him at all. And it wasn't finished speaking, it would seem, for it continued, Did I just hear a voice? What the fuck, I thought I didn't have a soulmate!! 

And just like that, all of his pain was forgotten, instead replaced by an overwhelming sense of dread. 

Not only did he have a soulmate after all, but of course it just had to be a man. 

His tears started to fall again, and he felt every part that scared little child who would cry into his big brother's arms. Except he was alone now, just him and this voice in his head that James already felt so much pity for. Because his soulmate was doomed to suffer a pitiful fate, and it was all James' fault. 

Hello? Are you still there? I must be going crazy. 

James inhaled shakily, taking a few more moments to gather his thoughts before attempting to communicate with his soulmate. The least he deserved was a proper greeting, even though James had no idea where they would go from there. Because they could never be together, and he knew that for a fact.

Still, his soulmate was freaking out and James could practically feel his panic. So, he steeled himself and allowed a bit of his guard down, his thoughts trickling across the bond hesitantly. 

I'm real. I'm your soulmate. 

He couldn't think of anything else to say, really. Beyond the discovery that James was this guy's soulmate, layed the cold, hard truth that they were doomed to never meet. After the stunt he and Darwin pulled, he was never allowed out of the guards' sight. In fact, he had a guard standing outside his bedroom door right then, with the express purpose of ensuring he wouldn't wander the mansion unattended. 

It had been that way for three years now, only further smothering him with strict guidelines and grandiose expectations. This was no life to live, and it was certainly no life to drag a soulmate into. Not to mention, his soulmate was a man.

James was no homophobe, but his parents certainly were. If his soulmate was a woman, they at least had a chance at gaining his parents’ blessing. But as it stood, there wasn’t a chance in hell they’d approve.

Honestly, he hadn't allowed himself to imagine spending his future with anyone after Darwin left. He didn't want to be slapped with the cruel reality that he was meant to be married off as a way to unify two royal families.

So, he'd never thought too hard about what gender his hypothetical soulmate might be. He only hoped beyond hope that an unfamiliar voice would never fill his brain, so he wouldn't have to ruin yet another person's life. 

The truth was, he still felt immense guilt for the years of smothering Darwin went through because of him. But at least he was making up for that now, and his older brother was free to be happy with his soulmate, somewhere out there. 

James couldn't say the same for the man in his head. He knew this man was doomed from the moment fate tied him to James. He was but a mere curse, a dark stain that would mar this man’s life for the worse, not for the better. 

Luckily, James had built up the ability to school his emotions, to temper his reactions to better fulfill the role he'd been forced into. He figured that was the only reason the other man wasn't able to hear so much of what he was thinking. 

He was now a professional at keeping his guard up, and just because this man was his soulmate, didn't mean he would be allowed to see into James' brain as he wished. He knew the guy wouldn't be too happy about whatever he saw if he did manage to look, anyway. Nobody wants a soulmate that you will never get to meet, that will inevitably be married to someone else. 

This guy seemed to be the exact opposite of him, however. His thoughts flowed across their bond like a river, constantly moving, words crashing into the shore of James' brain and making themselves right at home. 

I can't believe I have a soulmate! I really thought you didn't exist… I'm so happy right now! 

James' heart twisted in immeasurable guilt. He could clearly hear the elation in the other's tone, nearly euphoric in his discovery that he wasn't soulmateless as he once thought. 

James wished he could share that happiness. He wished he could indulge in even an ounce of this man's joy at the situation. 

My name is Koh. What's yours? 

As much as James detested that he had to drag this poor man down with him, he couldn't deny that it was nice to hear words that weren't covered in false niceties, spoken just for the sake of making the speaker look good. Even if the words were only real in his head, they seemed genuine, which was a very rare find in James' household. 

I'm James. It's nice to meet you. 

The other man laughed then, James was surprised that he could hear that as well. He felt his lips pulling up slightly in the corners despite himself at the cheerful sound. 

Why are you being so formal? We're soulmates, after all!! 

James didn't really have an answer to that. At least, one that wouldn't expose too much of his upbringing, which was definitely something he shouldn't be blabbering about. Least of all to his soulmate, who would surely only become saddened at the knowledge that James was not just some random guy who could exercise free will whenever he wished. 

He didn't have the heart to tell Koh that he shouldn't get his hopes up, that they'd never be meeting in this lifetime. He had a long day, he missed his brother, and he'd only just stopped crying when his soulmate's soft laugh filled his head. He had no energy to break down any false conceptions Koh might have about them living happily ever after. 

That was all future James' problem to deal with.

So, instead of responding to Koh's question, he changed the topic. 

Tell me about yourself, Koh. 

He was surprised when, instead of launching into a ramble about his life, as he'd been expecting, Koh instead thought, You sound so pretty when you say my name. 

He let out an audible gasp, blinking rapidly even though the room was already caked in darkness, meaning he couldn't see anything either way. He'd never felt like this before, one simple phrase enough to set his cheeks on fire and send his heart into overdrive, working double time to pump blood towards his face. 

Shit, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for you to hear that. 

Against all odds, James found himself laughing. And not just a small giggle, no, a full-bodied, joyous laugh that bubbled up from his chest and just wouldn't stop. The redness in his cheeks only increased as he felt himself losing his breath, even becoming a bit light-headed.

He couldn't remember the last time he laughed at all, much less this hard. It had to be before Darwin left, that much was for certain. 

Yet here he was, laughing at something that wasn't even that funny. He couldn't even explain it himself really, just as he couldn't explain how his body had somehow relaxed against the mattress sometime during their conversation, or how he was now sporting a genuine smile, a far cry from the faux ones he'd grown used to.

He could hear the pout in Koh's voice when he responded, Hey, don't laugh at me! I'm just too excited, I couldn't control my thoughts!

James shook his head in amusement, shifting to lay on his side and gathering his blanket in his arms. 

I apologize, you just sounded funny. Please, do continue. 

Koh gave a playful little huff, and James could imagine him crossing his arms over his chest, wherever he happened to be. Was Koh laying down just as he was? Or was he perhaps sitting, or even standing? 

He wondered, but he didn't ask. Because the other man was speaking- well, thinking again. 

There you go, being all formal again. You can speak casually with me, you know? 

James didn't know how to respond to that, because he'd been conditioned to speak this way for the longest time, mostly through Darwin's kind corrections. He wasn't sure if he could just drop the formalities simply because the man told him to. 

Luckily Koh continued before he could attempt to muster up a suitable reply. Actually, it's my eighteenth birthday! I was so sure the world was telling me that I was soulmateless, but here you are, just in time! I feel so lucky!

Koh must be really unlucky. His birthday present from the universe was the worst soulmate to ever walk the face of the Earth. He seemed so excited and had no idea that he was cursed beyond belief. But again, he had no energy to shatter Koh's expectations at the moment, so he made a conscious effort to conceal his bitterness and cynicism from his projected thoughts. 

Happy Birthday, Koh.

James had no idea how to converse with people, especially not those who were his own age. He could only manage curt, blunt replies and he hoped that was good enough. 

You're the best birthday present I could've gotten. 

James certainly hadn't been expecting that, and his heart was once again pounding against his chest. He pulled his blanket up, covering his reddened face in embarrassment as if Koh was right there in the room with him. 

James had no idea that having a soulmate felt like this, like he was one second away from bursting into flames, he didn't know how Darwin hid it from his parents for so long.

He didn't even know what kind of thoughts he was projecting to Koh, but apparently something had come across, because Koh was chatting in his head again. 

Sorry, I didn't mean to make you shy. 

James resented that notion, he'd never been shy in his life and he certainly wasn't now! He was any number of things; shocked, overwhelmed, dumbfounded, but certainly not shy, no way. But it was easier to keep listening than to interject, so he kept quiet about it.

You asked about me so, I'm the oldest of four kids- all boys, by the way. Yeah, can you imagine having to take care of three annoying ass boys? Well, that's been my life until now. 

Something about the way Koh strung words together was amusing. It felt like he was listening to an audiobook. And it was intriguing, learning that his soulmate's life was so very different from his. He felt glad about that, at least. When Koh realized that this soulmate thing just wasn't going to work out for them, he had plenty of family to fall back on. 

He couldn't imagine living in such a lively household. All he knew was large, lonely hallways and a missing older brother. 

But the constant trill of Koh's voice was almost… comforting, in a way. It didn't really matter what he was saying, something about how his youngest brother was constantly getting on his nerves, his words soothed James all the same.

It really was nice to have a fresh voice in his head, someone who didn't know him as "Young Master James" or "Prince James." He quite liked having someone speak to him as if he was a normal person, perhaps similar to how a classmate may converse with him. Not that he knew anything about that, being homeschooled and all. 

The exhaustion from his day caught up to him, and his countless sleepless nights paired with the pleasant droning on in his head had his eyelids fluttering closed. 

He was nodding off before he knew it. He dreamed about a mystery man with a honey-filled voice, sugary sweet inflections and excited tones. 

It was the most restful sleep he'd gotten in ages.

Chapter Text

“Aren’t you tired of taking care of your brothers all the time?” 

Koh understood Jeans’ concerns. It just got a little old, having to listen to the same question over and over through the years. They’d been friends since before Koh could remember, and Jeans still insisted on bringing this up whenever he could. 

“No,” he answered honestly. The way he saw it, watching over his siblings was the reason he’d been put on this Earth. Without him, they’d have nobody. They would have grown up too fast, like Koh did, and he refused to allow that to happen.

They needed him. 

“But seriously, it’s your eighteenth birthday and you’re not celebrating? When’s the last time you had a birthday party?”

Honestly, he didn’t remember. He couldn’t recall a single birthday party in his honor. He may have never had one.

But admitting that wouldn’t get Jeans off his back, so he decided to keep it to himself.

“What’s the big deal? I don’t need some stupid party. It’s just another day.”

That was what he said, anyway. The truth was, while he didn’t think he needed some huge extravaganza, turning eighteen was certainly a life milestone in his eyes. It would’ve been nice to have his family acknowledge it, at the very least.

Instead, they all forgot about it. 

Stupidly, he’d waited up in the living room that morning for his brothers to wake up. When they did, one by one, they went about their normal daily routine without sparing him much attention. The last to wake up was Q, as usual, and even he didn’t say anything. 

Q had just turned seventeen not long ago, a testament to how busy their parents had gotten with no regard for the consequences of having children so close together. Probably because they had no intentions of paying those consequences, instead pushing them onto their oldest son. 

Koh was the youngest child in the family for less than a year, and he didn’t remember a single second of it. Ever since he could walk, he had to look after Q. Then came Nay, then Win. 

And his responsibilities didn't stop with blood relations. Q was only in middle school when his soulbond formed. He ran up to Koh one morning with an excitement he’d never shown before, babbling about hearing a pretty voice in his head.

He was one of the lucky early bloomers, and Koh did everything he could to unite him with Toey. Luckily, Toey wasn't living very far. 

That was five years ago now, and they'd been inseparable ever since. Q seldom went anywhere alone. Koh may as well have adopted another brother, for how often Toey was hanging around their house.

And of course, it wasn't an issue to him that Q’s soulmate was a man. He couldn't care less about that. All that mattered to him was that Toey was a good kid who made his brother happy. 

It also helped that Toey was a positive person, very polite and playful. He got along well with Nay, who was the most cheerful and happy-go-lucky of the household. 

It did, however, mean that Koh had another mouth to help feed. 

But he was used to sacrificing things for his brothers. It was the main staple of his life. He'd long since given up the fantasy of living for himself. 

Koh’s birthday happened to fall during summer break. Which meant he’d already spent a few weeks doing nothing but sitting at home babysitting his brothers. 

He loved them, but he was going stir-crazy, and the fact that none of them remembered his birthday made it a little harder to listen to Win’s terrible strumming on the guitar for the umpteenth time.

Ironically, Koh had bought that very guitar for Win’s birthday. Win had expressed interest in music since he was a child, and Koh scrounged up some money from part-time jobs to pay it off. It wasn’t the fanciest guitar, but it got the job done.

If the job was giving Koh a headache, because Win wasn’t very good at playing it yet and each off-key note was agitating him further.

Not to mention, Nay was sitting beside him on the couch, sketching away in his sketchbook. Which Koh was used to, but today, the scratching of Nay's pencil along the page was only driving him further up the wall. 

On a good day, he wouldn’t be so annoyed. In fact, he may even be happy, because his brothers felt comfortable enough to hang out in the living room. If their parents were there, they'd surely all be locked in their respective rooms. 

They never put Koh on the same level as their parents, which was a good thing. They saw him as someone with authority, but knew he wouldn't use that against them and wouldn't nag them for acting their age.

The same couldn't be said for their parents. 

But he wasn't really in the mood to be surrounded by his siblings today, because it was his birthday and nobody bothered to remember. Not that he expected anything crazy from his younger brothers.

A group hug would’ve been nice. Or just a simple, Happy Birthday, Koh.

Instead, he got to hear further screeching from Win’s guitar, and the repetitive noise of Nay’s pencil dragging along a sheet of paper.

He was about to retreat to his bedroom to cover his head with a pillow and drown out the entire world when Q landed a hand on his shoulder and suggested he visit Jeans’ house. 

He didn’t think to question it at the time, why Q had seemed so eager to get him out of the house. But he promised to look after their younger brothers, Nay at fourteen and Win at twelve. 

Nay was always easy to babysit, he spent most of his time painting on the easel Koh bought him a few years ago. 

Win was a bit harder to manage, for he had a lot of energy, as the youngest. He was also the moodiest, getting grumpy at the drop of a hat and running away from Koh when he said something he didn't like.

Q and Nay were the painters in the family, and Win was the guitarist. Koh lacked that creative gene, perhaps from spending too much time taking care of his family to foster any real interests. The only thing he was mildly good at was skateboarding, which was nothing special. 

Koh was sometimes jealous, of how his brothers could bond over the arts while he was left out. Especially when it came to Q and Nay. They could spend hours painting side-by-side in the living room, with Q giving Nay all sorts of tips that Koh had no clue about. 

Koh hated feeling like an outsider in his own home.

“Are you even listening to me?”

He snapped out of his thoughts, nodding before he even knew what he was doing. “Yeah, of course. I heard every word.”

His brothers were so central to his life that they were all he had to think about when his mind wandered. And maybe that was sad, but that was just how things were. As long as they were okay, he was okay. 

Jeans sighed deeply, like Koh was being unreasonable but he didn’t have the heart to keep arguing his point. He reached under his bed, pulling out a large box covered in gift wrap.

“I got you something.” 

“Hey, you didn’t have to-”

“I wanted to.” Jeans handed him the present with a smile, not taking ‘no’ for an answer. 

Jeans’ family was much more well off than Koh’s. Jeans and his twin brother Matt were spoiled by their parents’ wealth. As such, Jeans never shied away from spending money, even when Koh insisted it wasn’t necessary.

A bit apprehensively, Koh started unwrapping the gift. He didn’t like taking handouts, but he supposed his birthday was the one day he couldn’t reject them without looking like a jerk.

It was even worse than he thought. 

The box he’d uncovered clearly showcased a game console, a pretty fancy one by the looks of it. “Jeans, this looks expensive. I can't take this.” He tried to shove it back into his friend’s hands, but Jeans didn’t accept it. 

“No way, it’s yours. What kind of jerk would I be if I didn’t give my best friend a birthday present?”

Koh sighed, but he sat the box on his lap in resignation. “Playing the best friend card is dirty, you know.”

Jeans shrugged. “What's the point in having the card if I can't use it?”

Koh was debating between reminding Jeans that there was no actual card and thanking him for the too-expensive present when Jeans spoke again. 

“If it helps, think of it as a gift for me, too. Now we can play together when you’re stuck at home.”

That wasn’t a bad idea. Until now, Koh could only join games when he was staying at Jeans’ house, by using his spare controller. 

Jeans was huge on video games, and complained a lot over the years about having to play with random people online because Koh spent most of his time babysitting his brothers.

This was a way for them to spend more time together without taking Koh away from his responsibilities at home. It really was a thoughtful gift. 

“Thanks, you’re a good friend.”

“Just good? Try best friend in the entire world.”

“I’d better not, you might get a big ego.”

His phone buzzed with a notification, interrupting their comfortable banter. It was from Q, because who else would it be? The only other person who texted him much was sitting right next to him.

We need you to come home. 

That sounded ominous. Q wasn’t the most expressive texter, but he wouldn’t usually send something lacking so much context. It made him a little worried, prompting his slightly panicked response.

Is everything okay? Did Win get stuck under a car again?

The last time that happened, Koh had experienced the mega-strength of an adrenaline-addled parent protecting their child, and he raised the car all by himself to free the troublesome pre-teen. Along with a warning that he should stop playing in their dad’s garage, because he’d get in trouble if dad had been the one to find him. 

Everything is fine, I just need your help with dinner. 

He wished Q would have opened with that to spare him getting concerned over nothing. Koh had to learn how to cook from a young age, and Q was nowhere near as good at it. He could only hope he wasn’t returning home to a charred mess that used to be their house.

“I have to go.”

“I thought you were staying until late.”

Their hangouts were often cut short, so this was nothing out of the ordinary. Still, he felt guilty every time he had to ditch Jeans. He knew his friend understood though, Koh just had to be there for his family. 

He was already standing, carefully placing the gaming console in his bag. “Thanks again. I’ll play with you soon, okay?”

Jeans gave a yielding nod. “Happy Birthday, Koh.”

At least someone said it. 

When he got home, he took a deep breath, partly to calm himself down and partly to inhale the air for signs of smoke. The house was still standing, which was a good sign, and he didn’t smell anything amiss. He braced for the worst as he pushed the door open.

The top of his head was immediately blasted with small slips of paper when he crossed the doorstep. Luckily, his surprise wasn’t enough for him to loosen his grip on his bag, which housed the gaming console he’d just acquired. 

“Happy Birthday!,” four familiar voices spoke in unison, prompting him to look up.

On either side of the door was Nay and Win, standing on chairs to reach an appropriate height to dump those little papers on him. Upon closer inspection, it seemed to be makeshift confetti, made from torn-up pieces of construction paper. 

Q stood further into the room, holding a pan. It was housing a cake, clearly made from box mix since they couldn’t afford anything else. It was saggy and lopsided, chocolate icing messily smeared over it. It looked like a whole mess.

But it was the best cake he’d ever seen. 

Toey was standing next to Q, as always. He was holding a large painting showing the five of them. Koh guessed that Q, Nay and Toey must have worked on it together. He even spotted some small, imperfect details that Win must’ve added. 

It was so beautiful. 

If that wasn’t enough, Koh spotted a few family photos taped to the walls. They were hastily pasted to colorful cards which served as provisional backgrounds. They hung crooked and some of them had fingerprints on them, but they were lovely all the same.

They hadn’t forgotten his birthday. In fact, they tried their best to give him a little celebration with their limited resources. 

Koh set his bag down, feeling the sting of tears in his eyes. He was choked up when he managed to speak. “I thought you guys forgot.”

Nay scrambled down from his chair, coming over to wrap his arms around Koh. “How could we? You’re our big brother.”

Nay was always comforted with physical touch, so it wasn’t rare for him to hug Koh. What was surprising, however, was the way Win clambered off his chair next, joining them and making it a group hug. 

Win smiled up at Koh, showing off his teeth, including the one space left behind by his last baby tooth that fell out not long ago. Soon, all of them would have full mouths of adult teeth, and that shouldn’t have made Koh even more emotional, but it did. 

These were the boys he raised with his own two hands, they were more like his sons than his brothers. He watched as they lost their teeth one by one, and he was the one who acted as the Tooth Fairy, sticking money underneath their pillows.

Q set the cake pan down on the coffee table, and walked over to add himself to the embrace. “You always make our birthdays special, it was the least we could do.”

A hug from Q was a very rare thing to come by. 

Koh tried his best to take care of his brothers his whole life, but he had days where he couldn’t show up, be it because of school or work. Q was the next in line, and he had his fair share of looking after the younger two.

Which meant Q was the most similar to him, but he was a bit more closed off than Koh, not sharing his emotions often. He guessed that Q didn’t want to add to Koh’s already heavy burdens after seeing how hard he worked to provide for his family.

But they weren’t burdens to him, Koh would never think of them like that. He knew what it was like to feel like a hindrance, his parents made sure of that, and he refused to let his brothers go through the same thing. 

“Come here.” He waved Toey over, who was happy to obey. He gently set the painting down then skipped over, completing the group hug. 

He could tell Q appreciated his acceptance of Toey into the family. Of course, Koh would approve of anyone who made his brother so happy. He could only hope that Nay and Win found similar soulmates one day. 

They were a bit young for it now, but then again, Q’s bond had formed early. Any day now, they could hear that special voice in their heads. 

And Koh would be happy for them. He'd welcome their soulmates with open arms, even if it meant having to take care of more people. 

“I love you guys.” He squeezed all four of them in his arms, allowing only a few tears to fall. 

He didn’t want to be too sappy or anything, he just couldn’t stop his eyes from watering when faced with the fruit of his labor: Four boys who looked up to him, who he loved more than anything else in this world.

They made everything worth it. 

When he laid in bed that night, it was with a stomach full of cake and his new console set up on his TV stand. The painting his brothers and Toey had made for him was proudly hung up on the wall. 

He was still bubbly from the small celebration, and being taken care of for once. It was strange, but it was fun. Q had even served up the cake for him, he didn’t have to lift a finger. 

He was so preoccupied with the little surprise party that he’d almost forgotten about his other major issue.

It was his eighteenth birthday, and he had yet to hear any voice in his head. 

He’d been mentally preparing himself to be soulmateless ever since his thirteenth birthday. He couldn’t explain why, he just had a feeling that he was meant to be without a life partner. Because all of his time and energy was devoted to his brothers, he had no room left for anyone else.

Of course, that didn’t mean he didn’t want a soulmate. And perhaps his reasoning was a thinly-veiled excuse, so he could act like he didn’t need a soulmate at all. That way, when he didn’t get one, he wouldn’t be as disappointed. 

Still, he had to admit that a tiny sliver of hope had remained deep within him. Hope that he would have a soulmate after all, someone to share everything with. Someone he could rely on, who could be strong for him in times of weakness. 

As someone who had basically no childhood and spent all his energy on giving to other people, he longed for such a connection more than words could express. 

He saw how much happier Q was ever since he met Toey. It was nice, seeing him have something to smile about. Koh wanted that for himself too, someone to bear the weight of the word alongside him.

A burden shared is a burden halved, after all.

But it just wasn’t meant to be. He watched the minutes tick by on his phone, getting closer and closer to the exact minute he was born. 

He felt pathetic, waiting until the very last second for any whisper of a voice, any hint that his soul wasn’t destined to be alone in this world until the end of his days.

11:54 pm.

He was born exactly eighteen years ago, down to the second. 

His mom never let him forget how grueling the labor process had been, stretching late into the night. She seemed to blame him for it, as if he willingly chose to make her life harder from the moment of conception, stranding her with a difficult pregnancy.

As if he'd asked to be launched into this world. If he had any say in the matter, he would've answered thanks, but no thanks to the idea of being born.

But then, his brothers would be all on their own. So in a twisted way, he actually was grateful to exist, because it meant he could look out for them. 

He often wondered why she bothered to get pregnant three more times, when she hated the first go-round so much. 

Anyway, that was it. He officially didn’t have a soulmate. 

Talk about a buzzkill. He tossed his phone aside, pulling his blanket around himself to shelter him from the harsh reality of the outside world. He felt so stupid, he never should’ve let himself wish for anything. His purpose was to make sure his brothers got to live the life that he didn’t. 

That was what he’d grown up thinking, it was the security blanket he clung to when times got tough. Because no matter what he went through, his brothers wouldn’t have to experience the same.

So why did it hurt so bad? He clutched at his chest, his melancholy giving him a physical manifestation of heartache. He thought he’d be numb, used to being disappointed. But that glimmer of hope that resided within him had transformed into a burning ember, threatening to swallow him whole. 

He'd heard all kinds of horror stories about soulmateless people. They were seen as pitiful and sad beings, and some of them died from a broken heart. 

At least, that was what Koh had heard from his classmates. And it scared him, because he didn't want to face that same fate.

Then again, once his brothers grew up and didn't need him anymore, what purpose would he have to go on living? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to succumb to the Earth early, so he wouldn't have to spend years and years on his own, with no soulmate to speak of. 

Can this life get any worse? 

Koh grabbed at his head, groaning from the sensation of an unfamiliar voice bouncing around in his brain. The pain in his chest had all but dissipated, transferred instead to his brain. But the ache was short-lived, coming and going with the sentence that had been spoken directly into his skull.

He stared into the darkness of his room in pure shock. Holy shit, what was that? 

That was the sound of his own voice, which he knew very well by this point. The voice he heard before was decidedly different, softer and a bit higher-pitched. But obviously belonging to a man.

Did I just hear a voice? What the fuck, I thought I didn't have a soulmate!! 

He scrambled for his phone, almost blinded by the light as he searched for the time. 

11:55 pm.

He was eighteen years and one minute old. His soulmate was a minute late, or more like years late. Koh could’ve used him a long time ago. 

In fact, they should’ve met as infants so he never had to feel like he was carrying the crushing weight of the world on his own. Then maybe every day wouldn't feel like a run-on sentence that had him waiting for a bitter end that would never come. 

But he may have been speaking too soon. Rather than wondering why his soulmate didn’t show up earlier, he should be wondering if he even existed. Because he wasn’t receiving any response, and every silent second that ticked by was filling him with anxiety. 

Was it possible that his heartache had induced a psychosis that manifested as an imaginary soulmate? 

Hello? Are you still there? I must be going crazy. 

A few more nerve-wracking moments passed, and he was just about to give up and try to sleep off the bizarre event when he finally received an answer. 

I'm real. I'm your soulmate.

There it was. The voice of an angel, a light at the end of the tunnel. His soft inflections filled Koh with ecstasy, and he swore he was breathing in those words, living on them. 

Koh felt his emotions deeply, no matter how much he tried to mask them in his daily life. But here, with nobody to judge his reactions, he openly allowed his excitement to wash over him. He clutched at his chest, but not in pain this time. His heart was simply beating so fast, it almost felt like it was going to jump right out of his ribcage.

He couldn’t believe it. He thought the universe had forgotten all about him, just like his parents. But no, there was someone out there. Someone just for him. 

Naturally, he started a conversation with his soulmate. James, he’d introduced himself as, in that dignified voice of his. It was amusing to Koh, how professional and proper he sounded. His upbringing was probably a lot different than Koh’s.

He could only hope that his soulmate had a better childhood than he did. 

He never felt this chatty before. He didn’t even know how badly he needed someone to talk to who was outside his tiny circle of family and friends, until he met James.

James didn’t know him as the older brother who had no interests and nothing remarkable going on in his life. James didn’t know anything about him, and that meant he could start all over. He could be himself, have someone get to know him as a person instead of a homemaker.

But who was he, really? When he tried to come up with something to say about himself, all he could think about was his brothers. And as he attempted to fish for some interesting fact about his life, his brain was instead stuck on the way James had sounded when he said Tell me about yourself, Koh.  

His name never sounded as good as it did then, passing from the lips of his other half. If you asked Koh, he’d say he fell in love at the first sound of James’ voice. 

He may have been too eager, carried away from the joy of discovering that he wasn’t soulmateless, leading to him accidentally oversharing his feelings of admiration. You sound so pretty when you say my name.

He could hardly be blamed for it, after all their mind link was brand new and he had yet to figure out how to pick and choose which thoughts to push across their bond. 

It was strange, having to compartmentalize his thoughts between those that should flow across the bond and those that shouldn’t. He’d have to practice to get better at it.

For now, he was just so happy to finally have someone to share his thoughts with that his head was a jumbled mess. He didn’t want to scare his soulmate off or come across like a creep, but his thoughts were racing a mile a minute and he couldn’t control himself. 

And anyway, wasn’t he supposed to flirt with James? That was kind of the whole point, right? James was meant to be with him. His to project thoughts to, his to flirt with, his to kiss…

Thankfully, those thoughts weren’t transferred to James’ head. Because James was clearly overwhelmed enough without the knowledge that all Koh could now think about was how much he wanted to kiss James. 

And he didn’t even know what James looked like. But if his voice was any indication, he had to be the prettiest man Koh would ever lay his eyes on.

Scratch that, he’d be the prettiest person, gender notwithstanding. His beauty would transcend gender and every other social construct.

Koh never took himself to be much of a romantic, but he never had a soulmate before. Perhaps he was learning not only about James tonight, but also about himself. He wondered what kind of soulmate he would be.

Koh could practically feel James’ shyness through their bond, and it only warmed his heart even more.

I’ve never felt like this before…

James’ thoughts trailed off, and Koh was willing to bet he hadn’t meant to share that particular sentence. He felt a twinge of satisfaction at not only flustering James, but being the only one to have done so. Not to mention, his bashfulness was clear in the tone of his voice, and it made Koh want to hear how every emotion sounded coming from James.

He felt a strange protectiveness over James already that made him want to reach through their bond and teleport to wherever he was. It must be some soulmate thing that was filling him with an intense itch to be beside James, to wrap him in blankets and ensure he was eating enough. 

But it was after midnight, so obviously he couldn’t jump up and book a road trip to wherever his soulmate was. That conversation would have to come later, when they were both more awake and able to have a more serious talk.

For now, Koh was more than happy to ramble about his life. He ended up mentioning his family anyways, because really, what else would he talk about? That was okay though, he was sure that his soulmate of all people wouldn’t reduce him to nothing more than an older brother.

Even though Koh had thought of himself that way, until this very night. Because meeting James meant he wasn’t supposed to only be a brother. He was supposed to be a soulmate too, and he was determined to be a good one. 

When he woke up the next morning, the first thing he did was mentally reach out to his soulbond, making sure last night hadn’t been a dream. It was an unconscious action, he didn’t even know what he was doing until he could feel his thoughts transferring over.

James?

At first, there was no response, and he felt stupid for trying. It was probably all a dream, there was no way a nobody like him would be graced with a soulmate with a heavenly voice and a pretty laugh-

Good morning, Koh. 

He swore he could feel James’ words implanting into his brain, bouncing around in his skull until they were burned into his memory. 

He was filled with immense relief. He really did have a soulmate. He wasn't alone.

He wanted to say something cool. Something that would leave a lasting impression, or turn James’ voice shy again. But he hadn’t even rubbed the sleep out of his eyes yet, he was still drowsy and all that came to his brain was an astonished, You’re real.

I am. And I was starting to think you weren’t, since you slept for so long.

His complaining was kind of cute. Koh imagined that he was pouting, even though he had no clue what James’ face looked like. Could Koh take that to mean James had missed him?

He checked the time, and it was only nine in the morning. But James was speaking like he’d been up for a while. 

How long have you been awake? 

Three hours.

So James was the type to wake up at the crack of dawn. That was good to know. Koh felt a little crazy though, because his first thought was that he should start waking up earlier, too. If only to keep his soulmate company. Even though getting up at six in the morning sounded like a nightmare.

Do you always wake up before the birds?

There was a pause, silence on James’ end of the bond. He was clearly distracted, maybe he was busy with something. The quiet nagged at Koh, but he didn’t want to come across as clingy. After all, they hadn’t even known each other for one day yet, so naturally he wouldn’t know what James was up to every second of the day.

He tried not to nudge at the bond, though it was proving more difficult by the second. He had just decided to get out of bed and start his day when James got back to him.

Yes, I’m an early riser. 

A much shorter pause followed, but something in his voice had made it clear James wasn’t finished speaking. Having raised three boys, Koh had the patience of a saint, at least he thought so. And he’d already waited eighteen years for his soulmate (even though he pretended that he was never waiting at all), so a few seconds or minutes more was nothing.

He was rewarded with his patience when James’ presence returned.

I apologize. I’m in a meeting, we can talk more in a bit.

Koh let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. At least, he had confirmation that James wasn’t just ignoring him. 

Okay, hear you later. 

He was satisfied by the amused snort he received at his little pun. 

And then, white noise filled his head once again. 

He was immensely curious about what kind of meetings James had to go to during summer break. He was itching with the need to learn more about his soulmate’s life. 

James already knew about his upbringing- at least, a bit of it, since he’d fallen asleep in the middle of Koh’s ramblings the previous night.

Koh wasn’t upset about that. It was clear that James was tired, the kind of bone-deep exhaustion that had him unable to keep his eyes open. But that only made him even more curious. Why had James been that tired? And why had he gotten barely any sleep?

If Koh was that tired, he’d probably sleep for twelve whole hours. If one of his brothers didn’t make too much noise that ended up waking him, that is. 

Oh well, he wouldn’t be getting any answers now. It was time to get out of bed and check on his brothers.

He should probably inform them about his soulmate situation, too.

When he walked into the kitchen, it was deserted. It wasn’t odd for his brothers to wake up late during summer break, so he thought nothing of it. He started cooking breakfast for everyone, which was always a huge task.

On top of having to cook for the four younger boys and himself, he never knew if his parents would show up to eat with them. Oftentimes, they’d be out of the house before he woke up, and who knew where they disappeared to most nights. He’d learned early on to not ask any questions.

He just had to accept that he was expected to run the family. 

He decided not to cook any extra this time. He’d wasted enough food over the years, setting places for them that remained empty.

Someone walked into the kitchen when he was busy over the stove, and he could tell by the skipping steps who it was. “Good morning, Toey.”

Toey had spent the night because their little celebration ran late. Which was nothing out of the ordinary. He'd never deny his brother’s soulmate from sleeping over, that would just be cruel. 

“How did you know it was Toey?” The younger boy asked, as he started setting out plates at the dining table. Toey was very polite, and he liked to be helpful wherever he could. He was a sweet kid. 

Toey noticeably didn't set out plates for the parents of the household. Having spent so much time here for several years, he knew the drill. 

“Because I know everything.”

Toey gave a little laugh, and Koh marveled at his ability to find humor in anything. 

“Is breakfast almost done? Toey is hungry.”

“That’s because you ate cake for dinner.”

“You did too!”

Koh waited until the two of them were sitting around the dining table, digging into their breakfast, to share his news. It wasn’t customary to wait for everyone to gather around to eat. After all, Q could wake up as late as two in the afternoon, and Koh didn’t want to face his glare when he was woken up before he was ready.

There was only one person who could wake Q without facing his wrath. 

“I have a secret to tell you.”

Toey paused his chewing, perking up in his seat. “A secret? Toey is all ears!”

Koh leaned forward slightly, playing into the whole secret thing, if only to watch in amusement as Toey did the same, eager to hear what he had to say.

“I heard my soulmate last night.”

Toey gasped in delight, jumping up from his chair to come around to Koh’s side of the table. Toey gave him a quick hug, mouth running a mile a minute. “That’s so great, congratulations! What did they sound like? Are they nice? Toey wants to know everything!” 

But he ran off before Koh could say anything else. Koh snorted, returning to his breakfast for a few seconds of peace before the entire house was crowding around him for answers.

“Baby, wake up! P’Koh heard his soulmate!”

Predictably, the first thing Toey did after congratulating him was run off to find Q. Koh could hear his voice all the way from Q’s bedroom.

There was a method to telling the bubbly, talkative Toey first. He knew Toey would be so excited that the information would spread throughout the house without it having to come directly from his mouth, which took some of the pressure off him. 

It also meant he didn’t have to be on the receiving end of Q’s grumpiness.

Nay was the next to emerge from his room, probably coaxed out by Toey’s loudness. 

“You really heard your soulmate?,” Nay asked him, looking eager for information despite still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“Sure did. I’m waiting for you to hear yours, now.”

Nay giggled, and of course, he had to hug Koh next. Koh thought it was adorable, how both Nay and Toey were so open with their affection. 

Nay was really a special person. Because he’d grown under these less-than-ideal conditions, and yet, he always found something to smile about. 

“Congratulations! We should make another cake!”

“You just want an excuse to eat more sweets.”

Nay took the seat right beside him, as usual. Out of all of his brothers, he’d say Nay looked up to him the most. 

Win was the next to enter, followed by Q and Toey. Everyone found their seats, but instead of eating, they were all staring at him, waiting for answers. 

Koh sighed, and luckily he’d already finished his breakfast, because he’d be spending who-knew-how-long satiating his brothers’ curiosity.

“His name is James.”

That was a good start, he figured. 

Q snorted. “You think gayness runs in the family?”

“Does that mean my soulmate will be a man, too?” Nay asked, tilting his head innocently.

Koh shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not.”

It would be pretty ironic if all four of them ended up being gay, effectively eliminating their bloodline. Their parents probably wouldn’t be thrilled, which made him wish it into existence, just to spite them.

“P’Koh, tell us more about him!” That was Toey, who was practically bouncing in his seat with excitement.

There wasn’t really anything else to tell. Koh hadn’t learned all that much about James during their short conversations.  

“We didn’t get to talk much. All I know is he wakes up early and he seems like a busy guy.”

“That’s it? You didn’t ask him anything else?” 

Q’s question made him feel a little guilty. He was too excited the night before to ask much about James, instead he’d gone off and ranted about himself until his soulmate was fast asleep. 

He didn’t even know how much James had heard, it was kind of impossible to determine when exactly he fell asleep. He’d simply stopped responding, leaving Koh to assume he was unconscious.

“P’James is your birthday present from the world!” At least Toey seemed satisfied enough. And Koh quite liked that thought. It may have taken the world way too long to connect him with his soulmate, but at least James had come to him at the last possible second. 

“I want to meet him!,” Nay exclaimed, copying Toey by bouncing in his seat. “You should bring him here!”

“I’ll talk to him about it later. I’m sure he’d want to meet my family.”

Nay and Toey cheered, meanwhile Win was picking at his food, looking less than thrilled. 

“What’s wrong, buddy?” Koh’s question went unanswered, except for a slight shake of Win’s head, indicating he didn’t feel like talking at the moment. 

Win sometimes got into moods where he was easily overstimulated, and the only thing that could get him to relax was going off to practice on his guitar. He was about to suggest that Win go do just that, when the front door suddenly opened, signaling the arrival of their parents. 

Koh had no clue where they were off to all night. And of course, they just had to show up for breakfast today, of all days. 

The entire mood of the room instantly dampened. Everyone went silent, and even Nay was no longer chipper, eyes downcasted as he sunk his teeth into his bottom lip, which was his nervous habit. He really only did that when their parents were around. 

“What is all this mess on the floor?”

The first words out of his mom’s mouth were a gripe, and Koh realized he’d forgotten to clean up the makeshift confetti his brothers had thrown for him the night before.

“It was decorations for Koh’s birthday. Which was yesterday, by the way.” That was Q, who always had a problem with keeping his head down when their parents were involved.

They made their way to the dining table, taking the two remaining seats. Naturally, the first thing they did upon sitting down was complain about how no food had been set out for them. As if Koh was supposed to magically know that they’d come home for breakfast today, when Koh hadn’t even seen their faces for a few weeks, at this point. 

Koh was used to their nagging, it was water off a duck’s back by now. He’d been worn down through the many years of having to placate them, all in the name of ensuring his brothers weren’t punished for whatever bad moods they happened to be in. 

Q wasn’t quite so ready to roll over. “Why would we set places for you? Do you even live here anymore?”

Fuck, Koh cursed in his head, knowing this wasn’t going to go down well. Q’s resentment for their parents only grew stronger with each passing year. Every time they were all together like this, which was admittedly not very often, there was a delicate balance that Koh was trying to keep from tipping over. A tense standoff between Q and their dad never ended with a satisfying victory.

Is everything okay?

James’ voice pulled him back down to earth, and he couldn’t believe he’d almost forgotten about his soulmate, too busy choking on the stifling atmosphere of the room. He was an idiot, accidentally slipping up and sending such a rude message to the person he was supposed to love and take care of. 

I’m okay, I’ll explain later.

Alright. Take care.

Koh couldn’t explain it, but that last sentence filled his heart with warmth, easing some of the anxiety that had started to build in his body. 

He supposed he understood why he didn’t know much about James yet. After all, James knew nothing about the fucked up relationship he had with his parents, and that was a central component of his life.

“So, do you live here now?”

Their father’s hardened gaze landed on Toey, no doubt his way of getting back at Q for his “bad attitude.” That was how their parents saw anything less than total obedience, something about how they should be grateful for being brought into the world by them. 

Toey’s eyes widened, and his hands fidgeted on his lap. Q wisely tried his best to keep his parents away from his soulmate, understandably so. Toey was soft and sensitive, just the kind of person who served as the perfect victim to scathing remarks and judgemental glares.

“Um, Toey is… Toey just…”

Q rested a protective hand on Toey’s back, and Koh could tell he was about to step in, but that wasn’t his job. It was Koh’s.

Toey was one of his own, and he’d defend him like so. 

“Leave him alone. I’m taking care of him.”

His father’s scrutinizing gaze turned on him, which was worlds better than it being on any of the younger boys. He was used to it, he could take it. 

“This is my house, you know. I could kick him out if I wanted to.”

Koh gritted his teeth, and he had to clench his fists under the table to resist doing something he’d regret.

The only reason Toey spent so much time here was because Q didn’t want to leave Koh alone. Q could easily seek refuge at Toey’s house, which was much homier than theirs, with parents who doted on him. Instead, Q insisted on hanging around here, helping Koh look after Nay and Win and taking on chores around the house.

Koh had tried to convince him numerous times that he could spend as much time with Toey’s family as he needed, but he wouldn’t budge. He’d always say that the four of them had to stick together, no matter what. 

Even though Q may look like a tough person on the outside, he was actually someone who cared deeply about his family. 

“You don’t need to do that. He’s a good kid.”

His father didn’t dignify him with a response. Instead, he changed to an equally unpleasant topic.

“You’re eighteen now, when are you moving out?”

It wasn’t like Koh hadn’t expected this conversation. He knew they wanted him to leave as soon as he was old enough. But that wish didn’t make any sense, considering he was the one who ran the entire house and kept everyone fed and taken care of. It would be a disaster if he left.

As far as he was concerned, he wouldn’t be leaving this house until his boys were all grown and able to live on their own. But he figured his parents may have some qualms about that.

“I’m not.”

Predictably, that didn’t go over well. His father started on a rant about how Koh needed to man up and leave the house, and he couldn’t live off them forever. As if they were really some kind of backbone that he relied on. 

It was easy for him to tune out the lecture. What wasn’t so easy to ignore was the reactions of his brothers.

Q was holding onto Toey, who was still anxiously playing with his fingers. Nay was wearing the scared expression he used to make when he was younger and had nightmares. He’d run into Koh’s room with tears running down his face, because he dreamed that Koh had abandoned them like their parents did.

A quick glance at Win confirmed that his youngest brother was zoning out, face blank and devoid of emotion. And Koh really hated seeing that expression on his face, even though he’d come to expect it whenever their parents came around. 

A child as young as Win shouldn’t have to learn how to dissociate.

“Can we have this conversation later? They don’t need to hear this.”

Their father didn’t seem to appreciate the interruption, for he slammed his hand down on the table, making them all jump. But he didn’t say anything else, simply standing to leave, and their mother followed.

They were gone, just as quickly as they came. 

A strained silence filled the room, only broken by a sudden sad sniffle. “Does getting a soulmate mean you're going to leave us?” 

Win’s voice was tiny, tears pooling in his eyes and breaking Koh’s heart. That must have been why he wasn’t excited at the prospect of Koh having a soulmate. And their parents only made Win’s fears of abandonment worse by making it sound like Koh should be moving out soon.

“Hey, I’m not going anywhere.”

He didn’t even have time to do much comforting before Nay started crying too, probably recalling his old nightmares where Koh walked right out the front door and never came back. 

“You can’t go away,” Nay insisted, with a bloody mouth. He’d bitten his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood.

“Toey is sorry, P’Koh. Toey didn’t mean to get you in trouble.” Now Toey had joined into the chorus of crying, and Koh was in way over his head. How was he supposed to calm down three people at once? He was only one man.

“I’m not in trouble Toey, don’t worry.”

Luckily, Q was already at work, pulling Toey into his arms. “It’s okay, pumpkin. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

With that handled, Koh gathered Nay and Win, kneeling down in front of them to wipe both of their tears, one hand for each brother. “I’m never leaving any of you, got it? Even when you’re sixty years old, I’ll be there with you.”

“But dad said-”

Koh didn’t let Nay finish his sentence. “I don’t care what dad said. Nothing can keep me away from you.”

The conviction in his voice seemed to be enough to soothe Nay, whose tears soon ceased. Nay stuck his pinkie out towards him, an offering.

“Promise?”

Koh hooked his pinkie around Nay’s, solidifying his resolve.

“I promise.”

And with that, he’d successfully calmed one brother. Koh’s heart warmed at the sight of Nay patting Win’s head, as the youngest still hadn’t stopped crying. “It’s okay, Win. He wouldn’t lie to us.”

Win wasn’t quite as easy to convince. “I know you’re lying. You’re going to go live with your soulmate and leave us all here.” 

He didn’t even allow Koh any time to respond before he was stomping off, retreating to the bedroom he shared with Nay and slamming the door behind him. The off-tune strumming of a guitar could be heard in the wake of his retreat.

This was what always happened when their parents showed up. He couldn’t blame Win, who was merely a child and didn’t have the capacity to understand their complex family dynamics. The fault lay entirely on their parents, who put these young boys in these upsetting situations in the first place. 

He wished they’d save him the trouble and just disappear completely. 

He hadn’t even bothered to tell them about his soulmate. He knew they wouldn’t care. If anything, they might even become irate at the knowledge that another person may be spending time at their house. 

Happy fucking birthday to him.

How did the meeting go?

Koh tried not to bother James any further for the rest of the day. He expected James to magically show up whenever he was no longer busy, but he just wasn’t returning, even after lunchtime had come and gone. 

The house was gloomy, remnants of their parents’ visit lingering like a stormcloud. Not to mention Win’s belief that Koh was going to abandon them, as if they weren’t his entire life.

Nobody was happy, least of all Koh, who had to think about how he was going to convince his parents not to kick him out of the house while also worrying about the mental state of his brothers.  

He felt himself growing desperate enough to sequester himself away in his bedroom, wishing he had someone to talk to. And it was just his luck that he happened to recently discover someone to share his thoughts with.

It went well. Although, I must say… your thoughts are very loud.

Great. On top of having a terrible day, he was being a burden on his soulmate. It had been less than twenty-four hours, and James was probably already sick of listening to his internal ramblings about how messed up his life was.

I’m sorry.

It’s alright. James seemed like he was done speaking, but then thought better of it and continued. It’s always so quiet here, I hate it. 

Was it delusional of Koh to wish this was James’ way of trying to cheer him up? It almost seemed like he wanted to reassure Koh that he wasn’t a bother. 

Koh gave a tired smile, the best he could do when he was still shaken up.

Why is it quiet there?

A pause. But the silence was different this time. James wasn’t busy or distracted, he was carefully contemplating his answer. 

He had his guard up, it would seem. And Koh really tried not to let that sting. 

Because everything he knew about soulmates pointed towards an instant connection. The way Q described it, he fell in love at the first sound of Toey’s voice, and everything clicked into place for him. 

Which was exactly how Koh felt when James’ voice first rang out in his head. But he was beginning to wonder if James had felt the same way. 

He didn’t seem as eager to talk as Koh was, and he couldn’t even answer some simple questions, like why his house was quiet. 

And wouldn’t it just be so fitting, for his soulmate to not want anything to do with him? It would be the cherry on top of the fuck-you cake that was his entire life. 

Never mind that, why were you cursing earlier?

Koh didn’t know if it was a great idea to answer that question. James would be learning all too early that his family was a dysfunctional mess, which probably wouldn’t make a good first impression. But he couldn’t control himself, he was explaining before he even realized what he was doing.

He was just too eager to have a fresh presence to talk to. 

I got into an argument with my parents. Cursing in my head is usually better than cursing out loud.

I understand. Feel free to curse at me anytime you need to, then.

Surprisingly, he really did sound like he understood. Maybe James was in a similar boat as him when it came to family issues. And he even had some humor about it.

But he didn’t really want to talk about this anymore. And it didn’t seem like James did either, so he switched tactics.

So… are we going to talk about meeting up?

That felt like the wrong move, judging by the loud sigh he heard in his head. He didn’t even know the connection transmitted sighs, and he kind of wished it didn’t. Hearing the tiredness in the sound only made him feel worse.

I can’t talk about that right now, Koh. I have another meeting.

James was definitely clamming up. Were those meetings even real, or just a way to avoid talking to Koh without hurting his feelings? He didn’t know enough about James to separate truth from fiction. 

Okay, but tell me when your meetings are over. 

Alright.

Such a bland response really didn’t help placate his insecurities.

He couldn’t shake the gut feeling that his soulmate, the one person he was supposed to share his life with, wanted nothing to do with him.

Four years. 

It had been four long years since he left behind everything he knew. The limelight, the fortune, the fancy clothes, the polite mannerisms of a high-brow society, the huge mansion and life of luxury. 

And most importantly, his younger brother. 

Not a day went by that he didn't lament his decision to run off on that night of his escape. He should've found some way, any way, to break that door down or convince James to unlock it. 

He'd been selfish, just for a moment. The idea of returning to those suffocating walls and continuing to make a spectacle of himself was too much for him. If it was only himself he had to worry about, maybe he could've endured it for the rest of his life. But he wasn't alone in his head anymore. 

He had Lava to consider, his soulmate who'd been patiently waiting for years, holding onto the hope that they'd one day meet. Lava deserved so much more than what this runaway prince could ever give him.

Stop saying that, would you? As if I'd ever put up with someone else. 

Wave offered an amused snort, shoulders relaxing as his soulmate's voice filled his head. Their bond had only grown stronger over the years, and it was easy for Wave to transfer his thoughts without intentionally tapping into their bond. 

Lava had left a few hours ago to catch fish, leaving Wave alone with his thoughts. He’d spent most of that time cleaning up as part of his job at the island resort. But now, the sun was starting to set, which meant his love should be returning soon.

Where are you? He sent this question through their bond, growing impatient. He was a bit antsy tonight, because there would be a full moon. 

James always loved gazing at the full moon, even though he could only do so through his window.

Wave made it a point to watch the full moon every time it appeared. It made him feel connected to James, wondering if he was looking at the same moon from his room in the mansion.

Look behind you. 

Wave quickly turned, making out the figure of his soulmate, bathed in the reds and oranges of the setting sun. He was beautiful. His sun-kissed skin and freckled cheeks never failed to steal Wave’s breath away.

"Sneaking up on me? What are you, a horror movie villain?" 

Lava’s resulting grin was no less beautiful. “Your mouth loves to tell jokes, but your brain tells me you were admiring me.”

“Now you’re just being boastful.”

This was not a life of luxury. But Wave knew first-hand that such a high-tail existence was hollow, unfulfilling, even harmful at times. Whereas here, on this island, he was safe. He was cared for. And he was allowed to get his hands dirty. 

Quite literally, seeing as he was currently sitting on the dusty beach, watching the sun descend beyond the horizon. 

"Did you catch nothing today?" 

"You have such little faith in me." Lava dropped the empty net on the sand, sitting beside Wave. "I already dropped off the fish, but I saw some lonely guy sitting on the beach and decided to check on him." 

He wrapped an arm around Wave, pulling him closer, until he could comfortably rest his head on Lava's shoulder. "A sunset should be watched by two people." 

Wave relaxed, in the way he only could when he was safe in Lava’s arms. It took him years to feel comfortable here, to stop being paranoid that his every move was being watched by his parents, who could show up any day and kidnap him to take him back to the mansion.

He'd choose this simple life any day. He was happy here, with his soulmate and friends who saw him not as Young Master Darwin, but as Wave. A normal guy with normal emotions who wanted to do normal things. 

His past was far behind him. 

Sometimes, his internal monologue slipped up and he thought of himself as Darwin. But Lava was always there to remind him that he was Wave now. And he was always destined to be Wave, the simple island boy, not a plaything for his parents to parade around to look good in front of other elites.

But no matter how much he’d tossed his memories of his parents aside, he could never forget about James. He refused to. He told James he'd get him out of there, no matter what, and he wasn't going to break his word. 

He hadn't stopped planning over these years. Amidst making a home for himself on the island, being more or less adopted into his soulmate's family and taking on the moniker Wave, he'd never forgotten his blood brother. There was a major void in his heart, reserved for James.

And he knew what this year meant. James would be turning eighteen very soon, then he'd be married off to a suitable bride, as was Wave’s original fate. James would be forced to lead the life that Wave had run away from, like a coward, leaving his little brother behind to pick up the broken pieces.

He couldn’t allow James to take on the burden that was meant for him. 

He was lucky that his soulmate was so accepting of his mission, and lent his aid wherever he could. After all, Lava had heard all about James through their soulbond when he was still locked away in that wretched mansion. Lava knew how important his little brother was to him.

"Do you think James is watching the sunset?"

He smiled at Lava’s question, appreciating how he never tried to force him to forget about his painful past. Instead, he always brought up James whenever he could tell Wave was thinking about him. He allowed Wave to express his emotions, to make them easier to deal with, in a way he was never allowed to before. 

“I think so. I can feel it.”

While Wave was watching the setting sun, waiting for it to dip below the horizon and call the full moon out to play, Lava was staring at him. He could feel the weight of Lava’s eyes, carefully inspecting his expression.

To people who didn’t know much about him, Lava may seem explosive and standoffish. On the contrary, he was very thoughtful and considerate. 

He couldn’t hear Lava’s thoughts, which was abnormal. That usually meant Lava was trying extra hard to close him off, to avoid adding to his stress levels.

The next words out of Lava’s mouth confirmed his suspicions. 

"You're not going to leave, are you?"

His voice was more tentative than usual, like he already knew the answer.

Wave hadn’t left the safety and sanctity of the island ever since he stepped foot on it. But there would come a day where he had to pack up and return, to rescue his brother from the very people he ran away from.

He couldn't bear more broken promises.

So, instead of making a promise he couldn’t keep, he said something he knew to be true.

He reached out, grabbing onto Lava’s hand and holding it tightly in his.

"I'll always be your Wave."

Chapter Text

It wasn’t like James wanted to brush Koh off.

Really, if it was up to him, he’d enthusiastically answer all of Koh’s questions and agree to running off into the sunset with him. But his life wasn’t some fairy tale, and he knew the ending to his story wasn’t a pleasant one.

He wished he could explain to Koh, how he would be so much better off if he just forgot that James existed. 

He was sure Darwin was much happier now, wherever he was. Because he was off with his soulmate, far away from this miserable existence James called a life. 

It was hardly a life, he knew it. But these were the cards he was dealt, all he could do was make sure he was the only one being hurt in the end. And if that meant pushing away his brother, and shutting out his soulmate, so he could shoulder his burdens all alone, so be it.

James knew that if he opened his heart to his soulmate, he’d only drag Koh down with him. From the sound of things, Koh was a very protective person, and there was no way he’d be okay with knowing his soulmate was locked away in some terrible place. 

He’d try to save James, as preposterous as that idea was. James couldn’t be saved. And even if he could, he wouldn’t want that. He was still upholding his end of the bargain, his imprisonment in exchange for Darwin’s freedom.

But it wasn’t like he could just tell Koh all of that. He wouldn’t understand, anyway.

So, all he could do was make himself into the bad guy. He had to play the part of the villain who turned his nose up at his soulmate, rejected him for seemingly no reason. 

It was better for Koh that way. He’d feel hurt initially, but he’d be free to move on. Unlike if James were to allow Koh to see into his heart, forging a special bond between them. Koh would surely be hung up on finding any way for them to be together, if that was the case.

If Koh knew what was best for him, he'd lose all hope of meeting James. He'd throw out any ludicrous ideas of them falling in love and starting a family, growing old together. He'd abandon any foolish storybook dreams of true love, just as James had, from the very first second he heard Koh’s voice.

Logically, James knew all of this. He told himself over and over that his ice prince act was just what Koh needed to continue living a life unburdened by him and the bad luck he brought everywhere he went.

But that was easier said than done when Koh sounded so sad every time James didn’t respond to him right away. 

James? Are you busy?

James had already stubbornly ignored a few identical calls of his name, trying his best to focus instead on the painting in front of him. He was being watched by his art professor, so he couldn’t exactly have an entire conversation with Koh right then without possibly arousing suspicion.

But Koh just sounded so wounded, so melancholic, that James’ heart ached for him. He was being controlled like a puppet, his heartstrings painfully pulled at until he had no choice but to respond.

I’m here, Koh.

He schooled his expression, dragging the paintbrush over the canvas under his professor’s watchful gaze. Other than his tutor, there were two guards standing right at the door. Not to keep anyone out, no, to keep him in. He couldn’t allow himself to have any physical reactions to Koh’s words, lest they ring the alarm and expose his secret soulmate to his parents. 

Koh let out a sigh full of so much relief that James was once again wracked with guilt. Even just a simple, bland response from him was enough to relieve Koh. He must be so very lonely, for such a small gesture to bring him some semblance of peace.

There you are. I was starting to think you… died, or something. 

That surprised him. He hadn’t even given Koh the chance to learn much about him or form an attachment to him, and yet, Koh was worried about him. Like he had some invested interest in James’ health and well-being. 

I just spoke to you this morning, Koh.

A lot can happen in two hours!

Koh really didn’t like being left in the dark, even just for a few hours. Which was understandable, given they were soulmates and all, but it made things more difficult for James. It would be a lot easier if Koh would accept his coldness as a dismissal of their bond and give him the cold shoulder in return.

He didn’t have the heart to tell Koh to leave him alone. Not when he seemed so desperate for someone to talk to. 

Two weeks had passed since he learned of Koh’s existence. Two weeks full of dodging questions, giving curt responses to not expose too much of his life. But somehow, Koh wasn’t deterred. He started conversations with James every day, even though they mostly consisted of Koh talking about his life and James not offering much in return. 

James enjoyed listening to Koh talk. He seemed largely unable to control the projection of his thoughts, almost like he was extending an open invitation to James, allowing him to listen to the innermost workings of his mind. 

At first, it was a bit difficult to navigate the constant flow of foreign thoughts into his brain. Koh thought a lot about the people in his life, namely his brothers. James would be going about his usual princely lessons when random assertions would fill his head.

I wonder if Win is still mad at me. I think Nay had a nightmare last night, but he didn’t want to tell me. I hope Q is doing okay. He seemed fine this morning, but he’s good at masking his pain. At least he has Toey to help cheer him up. 

James knew those were the names of Koh's younger brothers. But there were sometimes other names too, ones James didn’t recognize. Jeans won’t stop bugging me to come over, but Ben is there and I don’t want to be around soulmates. Matt and Mick are probably there, too. I don’t want to be a fifth wheel right now. 

That stung a little. Because James would have to be an idiot to not understand the reasoning behind Koh’s sudden aversion to soulmates. He must feel rejected to the point of not even wanting to acknowledge the existence of the soulmate system.

James couldn’t blame him for feeling that way. After all, he basically was rejecting Koh, though not because he wanted to.

Oh, well. It couldn’t be helped. A little bit of rejection now would save Koh a lot of pain and heartache later. Koh didn’t know it, but James was protecting his peace. 

All that to say, he was slowly getting used to the constant barrage of Koh’s voice. In fact, the breaks in the monotony and quiet solitude of his existence were rather nice. 

He wished Koh had been assigned a different soulmate. He seemed like such a nice person, who did everything in his power to take care of his family. Koh reminded him of Darwin in that way. 

Both of them expended all of their energy for the sake of their family, acting as selfless big brothers. Just another reason James had to let him go, just as he let his brother go. Both of them were far better off without him adding to their burdens. James was basically their savior, when he thought about it that way.

Koh deserved to find love, without the stress of being tied to an unlucky charm like James.

And Koh could still experience true love, unlike James. He hoped that Koh could one day find someone else, someone who was equally as caring as him. They didn't have to share a cosmic bond to form a special connection, to fall in love. 

And James would be so happy for him, silently cheering him on from the sidelines as he found the person he was really meant to share the rest of his life with.

His painting lessons ended without any further incident. Koh’s thoughts had transformed into a calming background noise, something to anchor James to this Earth so his mind didn’t wander too far into the clouds. 

Being stuck in this mansion all day was far from intellectually stimulating. He appreciated the thrumming of Koh’s existence, and he realized he’d started to find comfort in Koh's unwavering presence. 

Even though they could never be together, the universe had attempted to give him such a caring partner. He would’ve appreciated the effort, if his existence wasn’t doomed to ruin the lives of everyone he cared about. 

It was a cruel twist of fate, to dangle the perfect lover in front of him, knowing he could never actually reach him. If James even tried to reach out his hand, grab onto the olive branch Koh was extending to him, Koh would be shredded to pieces. He'd be put through the wringer, chewed up and spit back out by the world, just like the only other person who had dared to care about James. 

He couldn’t allow himself to care about Koh. It would only hurt them both more in the end.

But it was impossible not to develop a soft spot for his soulmate, who was always worrying about everyone else and never stopped to consider himself. Koh was so young, but he’d pulled the weight left behind by his parents from such a young age that he now felt like he had no other purpose in life. His whole life’s worth was tied to his siblings, he didn’t know how to do anything for himself. 

That much was evident after only two days of their connection. Koh was very easy to read, quite the opposite from him, who kept his feelings firmly under lock and key. 

James already wanted to tell him to focus on himself sometime, though that would be pretty hypocritical of him. And it wasn’t his business, anyway. It couldn’t be his business. 

He was being tutored in college-level mathematics (because princes have to be educated well, of course) when Koh called his attention again.

James, did I do something wrong? 

James’ hand flew smoothly over the page, a tiny pause the only indication that something was amiss. He continued filling out the worksheet as he relented, tapping into their bond once again. 

No, why do you ask?

It’s been two weeks, and I know barely anything about you. 

The fewer thoughts James shared, the better. In fact, he had half a mind to stop responding completely, so Koh could move on from him. 

But Koh just sounded so miserable, deep in the throes of loneliness, and James felt unbearably guilty for being the root cause of it. The least he could do was make conversation with him.

You want to know about me? The main thing to know is that my life is entirely controlled by my parents. 

James handed the completed worksheet over to his tutor, who quickly checked it over. He got everything right, of course. One of the main stipulations of becoming a fitting heir was being studious.

My parents control my life, too.  

James knew Koh didn't have the best relationship with his parents. They'd left him to care for his younger siblings since before he could remember, an undertaking no child should have to endure. They sounded quite similar to James’ parents, who left his care up to the nannies and Darwin. 

James’ work was complete. For now, anyway. He had another lesson in fifteen minutes. Usually, there was a ten-minute break in between his lessons. But he'd purposefully finished his work early so he could hide away in his room for a bit.

Not that he could really hide, what with the guards skulking behind him, stalking his every move. At least, they didn't dare to enter his bedroom, electing to stand directly outside the door instead.

Once in his one and only safe space, he fell face-first onto his bed. Two seconds of alone time was all he received before his head was filled with Koh's voice again.

Are your parents the reason you don't want to meet?

Among other reasons. 

Can you explain them to me?

James rolled over onto his back, looking blankly up at the ceiling. If he stared hard enough, he could make out random shapes in the drywall. 

This was how he passed the time during his short breaks. His life was a series of being overwhelmed and overworked, followed by doing absolutely nothing when he caught a few minutes to himself. Such a dreadful existence wasn't much to write home about. Even more reason to not go into detail about his life to Koh. 

It's not that I don't want to meet you. I just can't.

He may have been too honest for a moment. He just felt so drained, exhausted from the weight of the world that rested on his shoulders, threatening to cave in on him at any second. And while he was an expert at lying to his parents, Koh didn't deserve the same treatment. He was an innocent bystander, unwittingly dragged into this mess. 

I don't understand.

He'd spent his entire break talking to Koh. He only had two minutes left to make it to his next lesson, and he'd get an earful if he was late.

I'm sorry, Koh. I have another meeting, I can't explain right now. 

Are those meetings you keep talking about even real?

He supposed that was a natural worry. With the way James acted towards him, Koh was well within his right to assume the worst about him.

They're real, I promise.

Well, they weren't technically meetings, but the word was close enough. He couldn't very well go into his bizarre lesson plans without spilling his guts about being a prince, which he wasn't going to do.

He didn't want Koh to know that about him. He liked that Koh was clueless to his title, simply seeing him as an equal. He didn't know how that might change if Koh were to find out he was part of the elite.

He knew his words probably meant nothing to Koh. But James didn't take promises lightly, not since Darwin left. He never wanted to break another promise. Which was exactly why he couldn't give Koh any false hope that they could somehow end up together. He refused to pull the rug out from under Koh in that way. 

Okay, I believe you.

And that only had James's heart aching in his chest. Because he'd given Koh absolutely no reason to believe him about anything. And yet, he was so trusting. He blindly took whatever James said as the truth. 

Koh was so… perfect. The perfect soulmate. All ripe and ready for James’ greedy fingers to sink into him and ruin his life. 

He couldn't let that happen. 

He was zoning out at the dinner table, paying more attention to Koh’s rambling than to his parents, who sat across from him.

Win’s terrible guitar-playing is going to drive me crazy. I really need to invest in guitar lessons for him. Or maybe I should learn how to play so I can teach him… Nah, I don’t have enough time-

“Your birthday is fast-approaching. Have you heard your soulmate’s voice?”

James sighed deeply, begrudgingly shifting his focus from Koh to the conversation at hand. He’d much rather listen to Koh’s qualms with his youngest brother’s lack of guitar skills than talk about this. 

James was used to lying through his teeth where his parents were concerned. It came as easily to him as breathing, so he didn’t take more than one second to answer. “No, father. I don’t think I have a soulmate.”

“Good. Not that it matters, anyway. Even if you’re lying, like that foul gremlin that came before you, you’re getting married to the bride we choose.” 

James’ grip on his fork tightened, and he had half a mind to sling it across the table at his father. Not that he would actually do that, but it was nice to fantasize. 

Don’t talk about Winnie like that. 

His parents seldom brought up Darwin, they’d sooner forget about his existence than acknowledge their own mistakes. Because that was what they saw their first-born son as: A mistake. They were so blinded by their need for power and money that they’d scorn their own flesh and blood in such a way. 

Darwin was a beautiful soul, bright and kind. Compassionate and capable. He was everything their parents weren't. Darwin could never be a mistake. If anything, James was the mistake. 

Who’s Winnie? 

His eyes widened in surprise at the sound of Koh's voice, and he dropped the fork, which clattered against his plate. He hadn’t heard the name Winnie spoken out loud in so long. And he’d never heard it spoken by a voice not belonging to him. 

For a moment, he was transported back to that fateful night. “Okay, Winnie. I'll go with you.” His first and last lie to his brother, who was his entire world. The man he’d never kept anything from before, who was now gone in an instant, leaving behind James and his broken promise. 

James had been desperately clutching those broken fragments ever since, bits and pieces of a promise that he'd never meant to keep. They sliced his fingers with their jagged edges, cutting through his skin, leaving a bloody mess at his feet. 

That was what his life had been since Darwin’s departure. A bloody, unsightly mess. 

James?

Foolishly, James had dropped his guard enough to let his biggest weakness slip through his soulbond. Darwin was the one topic James couldn’t control his emotions about, even after all these years. He’d never forget the sacrifices his big brother made for him, and how the two reasons for Darwin’s absence were sitting right in front of him. 

Darwin’s reason for escaping was to find happiness with his soulmate. Meanwhile, Koh was stuck with a lifeless husk for a soulmate, a plastic doll destined to have his puppet strings controlled by his parents.

James would always take pity on Koh, as much as he was able. Because his position was a sorrowful one, chained to the worst partner in the world. Koh needed all the pity he could get. 

So, James could at least answer his question. As consolation for accidentally sharing too much, offering a fuzzy sneak peek into the shambles of his brain.

Winnie is… my older brother.

“Why do you look so shocked? You’ve known about your duty of marrying a princess for four years now.”

His idiotic father had misattributed his surprised expression to their conversation topic. Which was good for him, at least he didn’t have to explain away his shock. 

He took a deep breath, willing himself to calm down. “I was just surprised that you acknowledged Darwin’s existence.”

His father didn’t take kindly to that response. 

“You've been in contact with him, haven't you? You'd better not be making any more foolish plans.”

James didn't know where he'd gotten that preposterous idea from. Darwin had no way of contacting him. James hadn't heard one word from his brother ever since he left. 

“I haven't talked to him.”

“Keep it that way.”

Later that night found him laying in bed earlier than usual. It was late, the time most people would be going to sleep. But James’ ritual of gaming until his eyes couldn’t stay open anymore wasn’t being indulged tonight.

Oddly, the blabbering of his soulmate was proving to be more entertaining than his video games. Or perhaps James was simply enamored, in awe that such a kind person was cosmically linked to him. What did the universe see in him, to gift-wrap someone like Koh and hand him over?

One thing was certain: the world must have it out for Koh, determined to dull his shine by tying him to someone who couldn’t give him the love he deserved. 

It was James against the universe here. He was determined not to allow Koh to be dragged down with him, as fate commanded.

At least, in the darkness of his room, he could finally talk to Koh for longer than ten minutes without tutors and guards breathing down his neck. He tried not to be excited about that.

You seem stressed. I’m here if you need to talk. 

Against all odds, he found himself smiling at the invitation. The last time someone bothered to ask him about his feelings was years ago, when he was still under Darwin’s care. It felt nice, a reminder of nights passed, where he could speak his mind to the one person he trusted. 

Maybe he could let Koh in, just a little bit. He badly needed someone to confide in, some way to stay sane in this suffocating mansion with this fake family. 

You asked why it’s always quiet here, right? It’s been this way since my older brother left. 

There was a brief pause, but James could tell Koh was listening. He swore he could feel Koh’s presence, constantly by his side, through their soulbond. Even when Koh wasn’t projecting any thoughts to him, James knew he was on the other end of the line.

He’d grown used to his presence, comfortable with their connection, in a way he hadn’t expected himself to. 

Are you lonely, with him gone?

Koh was an empathetic being. Upon learning that James' brother had left, his first thought hadn't been to ask why he left, as would be the case with most people. No, he instead focused on how James felt about it, wondering if he was lonely. 

Every day that passed, Koh amazed him with how much care he packed into his heart. He cared for so many people at once, it was a wonder his chest didn't explode from how much overtime his heart put in. From his brothers to his friends to… James, who hadn't even allowed Koh to establish a proper bond with him. Koh worried about everyone and anyone.

Koh was so patient with him, and that only made him feel even worse for what Koh was going to go through as his other half. 

He was a terrible soulmate. And yet, Koh still cared about him. He got the bizarre urge to cry, but he held it in.

The answer to Koh’s question was so obvious that he didn’t even need to say it. Still, he did. For Koh's sake.

Yes. I miss him every day. 

Honestly, it felt good to get that off his chest. For so long, he wished for some way he could discuss his long-lost brother. Nobody around him was allowed to talk about Darwin, and his parents only brought him up to insult him. Admitting his loneliness brought him some relief he didn't know he needed.

Thank you for telling me, James. I know trusting is hard for you. 

Koh was right about that. James hadn’t trusted a single person ever since his brother left.

But that wasn’t Koh’s cross to bear. It was such a shame, that he had to face the consequences of circumstances that had nothing to do with him. 

Thank you for listening. 

He could feel Koh’s happiness across the soulbond, which was a wild thought. For that to happen, Koh must be so elated that he didn’t even know what to do with himself. 

He was that happy just from talking to James. And James would be lying if he said he wasn’t smiling up at the ceiling, lips curving upwards in the corners in spite of himself.

I’ll always listen to you. 

James was strangely flattered by that statement, even though Koh didn’t really have a choice in the matter. If James decided to share his thoughts, Koh would be forced to listen, even if he didn’t want to. Still, it was a nice sentiment. 

You look pretty today, by the way.

James’ cheeks flooded with heat, and he took a cursory glance around his room, wondering if Koh somehow had security cameras installed despite having no idea who he was other than his first name. 

That was a ridiculous idea. Koh was simply trying to comfort him with a compliment. Which was really sweet. That was just the kind of person he was. 

You don’t even know what I look like.

I can tell how pretty you are from your voice alone. 

He’d never been called pretty before. Especially not in such a reverent tone that stole his breath away. 

James raised his hands, pressing them to his cheeks to cool them off. He felt like a live wire, seconds away from sparking into a fire that burned this entire mansion to the ground. 

Which wasn’t a bad idea, actually. Maybe then, he’d emerge like a phoenix from the ash, no longer bound by these suffocating walls that spelled his undoing. He could leave the rubble behind and go off on a self-indulgent mission of finding Koh and living happily ever after.

Ah, he really had to keep his thoughts in check. Koh’s sweet words were making him delusional, causing him to lose sight of the miserable reality of the situation at hand.

Stop flirting with me, it isn’t fair.

I’m not trying to, it just happens. Must be a soulmate thing. 

Koh sounded so proud of himself, satisfied with James’ shyness, and James didn’t know how he was supposed to cope with how warm he felt. His cheeks were burning hot, and there was a fire raging in his chest, flames licking across his heart. 

How badly James wished he could succumb to the budding adoration flooding through his veins. He wanted to feel like this all the time, head in the clouds and limbs weightless. He wanted to feel treasured, wanted to be important to someone.

Or you’re just naturally flirty with everyone you come across.

You wound me. I’m only like this with you.

His heart was too weak to handle this. As an unloved, abandoned child, having this much love thrown at him felt illegal. Not to mention cruel, because he knew good and well that he wasn’t allowed to have this. 

Underneath his hardened exterior, he was nothing more than a fragile being, a dried-up flower seconds away from crumbling into dust. All it would take was one well-placed gust of wind to blow him to bits, scattering his pieces in the breeze.

Whereas Koh was a rejuvenating droplet of water, the cure to James’ sickness that would bring him back to life. The sun that would nurse him back to health, providing him with everything he needed to thrive, if only he had the courage to bend towards the sunlight.

Maybe, just for tonight, he could pretend. He could trick himself into believing that he deserved this. That the warmth in his chest was here to stay, and he was destined to keep this elated smile until the end of time. 

Two months passed, and he’d grown hopelessly attached to Koh’s racing thoughts. They were the only thing keeping him going, the thin line separating him from falling into a deeper despair. 

The highlights of his days were once again after nightfall, when he could drop all pretenses of a prince and be himself, with Koh.

James knew this was a bad idea. But he just couldn’t help but drown in Koh’s affections, his words of affirmation and silly compliments. Koh had called him pretty, cute, lovely, and just about every other pleasant word under the sun. 

He'd even snuck in the nicknames babe and darling a few times, which had James gaping and narrowly holding himself back from running around his room to expend his sudden burst of energy. 

This must’ve been how Darwin felt, all those years ago. James certainly understood his motivation to run away, more now than ever before. Because James wanted that more than anything. His one wish in life was to be free from his royal shackles and live a simple life with Koh. He’d go anywhere, as long as he was with his soulmate.

Even a miserable person like James couldn’t resist his destiny. His fate to fall hopelessly in love with Koh, the man who was written in the stars to belong to him, was coming true right before his very eyes. 

It was still a wild notion, that the world thought he was important enough to receive a soulmate. Maybe he was being manipulated by the universe, helpless to the tug of the bond between them, which was always drawing them together. 

You have the prettiest laugh.

James bunched his blanket up in his hands, squeezing it in a death grip. He couldn’t stop himself from kicking his socked feet, his body desperate to release the excited energy that filled him every time Koh spoke to him with such adoration in his voice. 

Koh was quick to compliments, once the sky went dark and James was safely tucked away in bed. He quickly caught on that late at night was the best time to talk to James, without him being distracted. 

And luckily for him, Koh didn’t try to flirt with him during the day. He was pretty sure he’d die if he tried to hold his flush at bay in front of one of his tutors or, god forbid, at the dinner table under his father’s stern gaze. 

And the flush always started naturally when they were like this. In fact, sometimes all James had to do was lay in bed, and he was already blushing high on his cheeks. His body was attuned to this routine, this nightly respite from his sorrowful existence.

He never felt sad when talking to Koh this way. Koh never tried to push his boundaries and find out more about why his brother was gone, or why his parents ruled his every move. He hadn’t again asked why they couldn’t meet, which was a relief. He could probably tell how stressed James had become at that question the first go-round. 

Koh was simply there for him. His thoughts were a pleasant background noise to James’ life, always giving him something to grasp onto when he was in need of a distraction. 

Then came nightfall, and Koh's voice was the only thing he knew in this entire world. He hadn't touched his gaming console in months, much more interested in basking in Koh's affections late into the night, even extending into the early hours of the morning. 

Are you shy, pretty boy?

Koh had gotten way too bold over the past two months. James didn't know how to handle it. All he could do was clutch at his chest, willing his poor little heart to calm down, lest it explode into a million tiny fragments. 

Ew, don’t call me that.

You liked it. 

He did like it. Someone like him, who hadn't so much as received one grain of praise in the past four years, was doomed to drink up every kind word from his soulmate. Koh was a tempter, a siren, and James, his willing victim. 

James was but a lost soul out at sea, kept afloat by nothing more than hopes and dreams. He was doomed from the beginning, no land in sight to rest his weary bones. And he'd step off his dingy boat without a second thought, plunging into the frigid depths of the ocean if Koh only commanded it.

He was so far gone. 

It didn’t feel fair that he was always the one getting flustered. Koh deserved to be on the receiving end as well, to feel intense shyness creeping up on him until he couldn't take it anymore.

James had to psyche himself up for reciprocation. He wasn't naturally charming, like Darwin was. Any artificial charisma he exhibited during high-brow events was born from years of practice, of scrubbing away his real identity to expose the blank canvas underneath, allowing his true self to be written over by his parents’ wishes.

But the expectations of the royal family had no bearing here, in the safety of his bedroom. They had no influence on his alone time with Koh, when he could finally drag out some long-lost remnants of his old self.

Koh brought back parts of himself that he believed were gone forever. Fragments of his true self that allowed him to smile, to laugh, to blush. Things he thought he'd forgotten how to do.

And for that, Koh deserved the world. But James couldn't give that to him. The best he could offer was his words, a scruple of affection to give back to the person who resuscitated his dead heart, giving it a reason to beat again. Giving James a reason to wake up in the mornings past his responsibilities. 

I only like it because you’re the one saying it. 

He didn't know if that was enough to fluster Koh, but it was the best he could do. Even that much was setting fire to his chest, warming him from the inside out.

He heard a startled squeak in his head, Koh’s side of the bond welling up with shyness. Now he knew how Koh felt when he made James bashful. It was a rush, and James felt like he could get addicted to it. Being with Koh like this was dangerous. He was flying too close to the sun, tempting fate, and he knew it.

He just couldn’t stand back and let Koh think he was unwanted. As much as he wished it was that easy, that he could push Koh away and never run the risk of hurting him, he was too weak to keep his boundaries in place.

And Koh’s shyness was so sweet, the most tempting venom that ever pierced James’ heart. He would gladly suffer the effects of Koh’s poison, if it meant he got to hear that shy tone of his voice echoing around in his head, making a home for itself in James’ permanent memory bank.

You can only be this cute for me. 

Koh’s bashfulness did nothing to diminish the possessiveness of his words, boldly claiming James as his. And it was true, James did belong to him. As much as he tried to avoid this, he'd already fallen deep into Koh’s trap, surrendering his mind, body and soul on a silver platter. 

Not that he had anybody else to be “cute” for, anyway. Koh was the only person to refer to him in such a way, and all while having no clue what James looked like. Koh was so sure that James had the appearance of an angel, and one glance at him would be enough to bring him to his knees. 

That was his silly excuse once, for why James hadn't met him yet. 

You're trying to protect me, because looking at you for one second would be too much for my mortal eyes to handle, and they'd melt into my skull.

The mental image was kind of gross, but the words themselves were romantic, pulled straight out of ancient scripts describing the beauty of deities, and James wondered where Koh learned to speak like that. It seemed to come naturally to him, like all things did.

Koh was just naturally good at caring for people, being a good brother, a good friend, a good soulmate. And he somehow knew just how to fluster James, who'd never before thought he would be weak to a man's charms.

James covered his face with a pillow to avoid screaming, which would surely alert the guards outside his room. Nothing to ruin the moment like big, hulking men breaking down his door. 

He was so taken with Koh. Such levels of adoration and infatuation were strictly forbidden in his household, where everything was faux smiles and keeping up appearances. Genuine feelings had no place in this fake mansion. 

Sooner or later, something had to give. He couldn't keep up the facade of a double life forever, masquerading as a perfect prince while also maintaining the disposition of a secret lover boy.

This wasn’t going to end well. But no matter how many times he broke apart, he could always pick up the pieces and seal them back together with his fond memories and fantasies of what could've been. 

Cold reality always knew exactly when to slap him in the face. Because as much as he was enjoying his illicit nights filled with Koh’s tempting affections, his birthday was next month and his parents weren’t allowing him to forget it. 

“You’re meeting the top candidate to be your wife today. Don’t disappoint me.” That was his mother, who was watching as his fancy tailor-made suit was being buttoned up by a staff member. 

It was frankly ridiculous, how they didn't even allow him to button up his own blazer. He had two working hands for a reason, though if his parents had their way, he'd probably have none. That way, he wouldn't be able to raise a hand against him. 

James hated that word. Wife. He didn’t want a wife, he was too young to be married. How could someone as young as him be expected to have his entire life in order? If he had to get married so soon, just when did they expect him to have kids? His early twenties?

He shuddered at the thought. He always avoided that line of thinking, because it made him extremely uncomfortable to imagine himself as a father. His own father was the biggest source of stress in his life, and he didn't want to be that for someone else. 

Besides, he’d never want to force another poor soul to grow up in the same way he did, bound by countless responsibilities in a home devoid of love and spirit, a mere farce of a family that wouldn’t extend a hand to save him if he were falling off a cliff. 

And referring to the woman as a top candidate was all kinds of disgusting, like this was some kind of dog show ranking women on a scale of one to ten. He wouldn't put it past them to have done exactly that, creating a rating system based on looks, education, how rich they were. 

He wondered how his mother could possibly have gone through that entire process herself and implemented it onto others all these years later. Surely, she knew how damaging it was, to both people whose hands were being forced. 

His parents’ marriage wasn't out of love, which was why they didn't hold much stock in the soulmate system. Being with someone of a similar social status was much more important to them than any cosmic linkage. 

But James shouldn't have to suffer due to their upbringing. And neither should those women who were having to participate in this stupid mating ritual. They were losers all the way around, no winners existed in this game. 

“I’d rather not. What’s the point in meeting her before the wedding?”

If he had to marry someone to keep up appearances, so be it. But he’d rather the marriage be on paper only. If it was up to him, which it decidedly wasn’t, he’d know only as much about her as he absolutely needed to. It wasn’t like they would actually fall in love or anything, that was a preposterous notion. 

His mother raised a singular eyebrow, a tiny motion that somehow commanded so much authority. A single wave of her hand was enough to dismiss every worker in the room, and they scuttled out of there like rats, eager to be freed from the mounting tension between mother and son. 

The vile woman grinned, like a shark smelling blood in the water. “It’s still not too late to send out those search parties for Darwin.”

James froze, swallowing down the lump of emotions that welled up in his throat at the thinly-veiled threat. He ducked his head down, suddenly finding immense interest in his shoes. It was the only way he could think of to hide his expression; the pinching of his eyebrows, the gritting of his teeth. His parents knew just how to break his spirit. 

His brother was his biggest weakness, and it would remain that way until the end of time. They had a timeless bargaining chip, a means to get him to do their bidding until he broke his back from how far he had to bend over backwards. 

“I’ll meet her.”

He was sitting at the dining room table a few hours later, with a blonde woman across from him. Of course, he wouldn't be allowed to leave the house, not even to meet his potential future spouse. She was very pretty, not that James cared about that. He was much more interested in the gentle ramblings being spoken into his head. 

I wonder what kind of soulmates Nay and Win will have. And when will they hear their voices? My boys are growing up too fast, I’m sad. Please let them stay babies forever. 

He smiled at the silly tone of Koh’s voice, tinted with all the sincere adoration of an empty-nester whose children had long-since moved out of the house to live independently.

Which was ironic, given Koh still lived with all of his brothers. But he really had raised them like they were his own sons, a very admirable trait of his. He would make an amazing father one day, unlike James. 

“Are you even listening to me?”

James snapped out of his reverie, returning his gaze to the woman across from him. “Of course, Cream.”

“My name is Beam.”

James internally cringed. He hadn't really been listening when she introduced herself. It just so happened that Koh was humming at that time and James could hear every sound, Koh’s voice drifting pleasantly through his head and calming his nerves. 

“To not be interested in me, you must be gay, just like your traitor brother.”

Now she had his full attention. But it came along with a glare the likes of which he'd never worn before. He didn't take kindly to insults towards Darwin, and he didn't have any invested interest in playing nice, like he had to with his parents. This woman had no power over him, and he wouldn't tolerate the slander. 

If anyone thought they could waltz into his home like they owned the place and badmouth the only flesh and blood he cared about, they had another thing coming. 

“What if I am gay, what’s wrong with that? At least I’m not a nasty bitch like you.”

The woman gasped, placing her hand on her chest. “What did you just say to me? Do you even know who I am? I'll have you shunned by the entire community! I'll tell everyone-”

He abruptly stood, slamming his hands on the table to cut off her sentence. He didn't care how it ended, he didn't even care how it started. The words of someone lacking a heart, who was cruel enough to speak ill of such a kind soul, meant nothing to him. 

“Get out of my house!”

Wisely, the woman listened, rushing out at the first sign of James’ aggression. Not that James would actually hurt her, or anyone for that matter. He wasn’t one to raise his voice, either. But he couldn’t hold his tongue where Darwin was concerned. 

To his parents, Darwin was a mistake. To outsiders, he was a traitor. 

To James, he was everything. Once upon a time, Darwin was his whole world. And he still was, even from a distance. James had only agreed to this dehumanizing arrangement to keep Darwin safe and sound, happy with his soulmate.

Even being far away from the mansion, Darwin wasn’t free from ridiculous slander. At least, he couldn’t bear witness to it. But James had to, and he couldn’t take it anymore. He saw red, and all he wanted to do was punch a wall. Not very princely of him. 

He was trembling all over, in anger and agitation and whatever else, he couldn’t make sense of his own feelings. All he knew was he'd broken out into a cold sweat, and his breathing was shallow. Nausea was creeping up on him, and there was a dull background noise nagging in his mind. It was all too much.

He grabbed his plate, hurling it at the wall. It shattered on impact, glass and uneaten food raining down on the ground. His cup was next, also glass, joining the plate shards and adding water to the mix. 

He wasn’t thinking, it was almost like his actions weren’t his own. Some vengeful beast had come to life within him, commanding his movements, and he was helpless to stop himself. He grabbed onto the table, pushing with all his might, until it was tipped over onto its side. More dishes were smashed to bits as they toppled over, spreading sharp shards across the ground. 

He was just so angry, riddled with the unfairness of it all, the fact that Darwin had given up his life for James and he was still being bad-mouthed for it. He may have escaped the manor, but he'd never escape the ridicule of this suffocating society, where everyone thought they were better than everyone else. Any show of weakness and they'd turn their noses up at you, never allowing you to live it down.

But what Darwin did wasn't weakness. It was strength. The strength to fight for true love, to abandon everything he knew to search for his own happiness. It wasn't stupid, it wasn't cowardly, and it certainly wasn't traitorous. The only traitors were the perpetrators of this unfair society, who would rather have a young man doomed to a life of misery than free to live for himself and his love. 

And that was something these elitists would never understand.

He spotted a knife on the ground, having fallen along with all the other utensils when the table toppled over. He bent down to grab it then pulled his ridiculous suit jacket off, ripping the buttons off, not caring to carefully undo them. This stupid jacket represented all of the responsibilities thrusted upon him, as he was forced to dress and act the part of a prim and proper prince. 

He stabbed the blazer over and over, tearing the fabric to shreds, until it landed in tatters at his feet. If only he could do the same thing to his fate, putting it through a paper shredder so he never had to deal with it again.

Something was tugging incessantly at his brain, it was getting harder and harder to ignore. He looked up at the guards who’d been assigned to watch him, brandishing the knife in the center of the room. 

“Aren’t you going to stop me?”

They stared at him, at a loss. They probably knew that manhandling him would only get them fired, so they simply watched as he had his temper tantrum, destroying the room. They probably didn’t think he had it in him to do anything crazy with the knife, either. To them, he was still a kid, and he always would be. He had no free will in anyone’s eyes.

He looked around at the mess he’d made. It reminded him of when he was a child, kicking over chairs and throwing toys, because even negative attention from his parents was better than none.

But he was no longer that sad, lonely child who sought the attention of his parents. He was now a sad, lonely man who wanted nothing more than for his parents to disappear. If only they’d wink out of existence, he would be free. He’d go find Darwin, and Koh, and never let either of them go again.

But that wasn’t going to happen. The two people he cared about were better off without him, far away from this cursed place and the horrible expectations that came along with it.

They'd be much safer if he was the one to stop existing. 

He stared down at the knife blankly. It would be so much better for everyone if he just disappeared. All he did was suck the life out of everyone he cared about. Darwin had been worn down into a lifeless being bound together by dreams and duct tape before he managed to escape, all because of his tireless mission of saving James from their parents.

James’ existence was like a virus, a parasite that had stolen the vitality out of his brother until there was almost nothing left of him. It was all he could do to release Darwin from his confines, so he no longer had to spend every waking hour taking care of James.

Koh would suffer the same fate. James would latch onto him, draining him of everything that made him shine, taking and taking until he had nothing left to give. Koh's energy was much better spent elsewhere, on his family, rather than on this doomed prince who would only ruin his life. 

And Koh was just as caring as Darwin. He would willingly give up so much just to make James happy, that much he could already tell. It had taken fourteen years of sacrifice for Darwin to find freedom, how long would it take Koh? When would he be free from James' unwavering greed and parasitic tendencies?

Never. The answer was never. As long as he lived and breathed, Koh was tied to him, fated to be dragged down alongside him. Their connection spelled out Koh's doom. The only way to free him would be to sever their bond. 

Darwin may be safe from him, but Koh wasn't. He had to protect Koh from himself.

His hands were shaking as he turned the knife inwards, pointing it at his stomach. It would be so easy, just one quick motion and he would dispose of himself, taking himself out of this ridiculous game that he'd never had a chance of winning. 

His parents wouldn't care if he was gone. Darwin wouldn't even know. Koh would probably be relieved, in the long run. Sure, he may be devastated now, but he'd get over it and find someone else, someone better. Someone who could spoil him with all the love in the world, and give him everything he ever wanted. 

Koh would find someone who was everything he wasn't. A bold person, unabashed in showing their affection. They'd hold his hand in public, meet his family, take him on dates. He'd be happy then, without the curse of having an unreachable soulmate weighing on his shoulders. 

James, is everything alright? Are you hurt?

Startled, his grip on the knife loosened, and it clattered to the floor. Koh had been trying to reach him this whole time, and for one split second, the fog had lifted, allowing that voice he found so much comfort in to fill his head. 

What had he been about to do? 

Tears blurred his vision, spilling over and trailing burning hot lines down his cheeks. 

If he really was gone, his parents would find Darwin, and his years of suffering would be for naught. Darwin would be ripped away from his soulmate, from the place he belonged, and dragged back kicking and screaming to this demented prison. 

And how would Koh live on, with a severed soulbond? Oftentimes, when one half of a bond died, the other person was doomed to a life of ruin. The sudden quiet in their heads was too much to bear, along with the knowledge that they were destined to remain alone for the rest of eternity. 

He couldn't condemn Koh to such a fate. Erasing his existence from the Earth was a selfish thought, not a selfless one. As much as he wished his pain would end, he had to keep enduring. For them. 

James, please talk to me.

The overwhelming concern in Koh’s voice had bile rising to his throat. Koh wasn’t supposed to care about him, he was meant to forget all about him and leave him to his miserable existence. 

But James has encouraged him, had allowed a bond to be fostered between them in the dark hours of the night. Now, it would be impossible to simply cut ties with him, to cut their losses and act like they meant nothing to each other. 

He really was Koh’s worst enemy, and Koh didn't even know it. 

James swiftly marched out of the room, trying not to take notice of how two guards trailed behind him. He locked himself in his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

His heart was still beating fast, his hands still shaking.

He knew it was all a pipe dream. He never should’ve allowed himself to become so comfortable in Koh’s presence, never should’ve reacted favorably to his flirtatious words. He was so selfish. He’d wanted something nice to cling onto, something precious to call all his own, something to clutch to his chest and never let go.

But he had to let Koh go. He knew that all along, and yet, he’d stupidly went and fallen for him.

It was impossible not to. Koh was so sweet, so caring and patient. He was the perfect partner, a shoulder to cry on and a ray of sunshine to dry up all of James’ tears. He was chosen exactly to meet all of James’ needs, to be his other half, to complete his soul.

But James couldn’t provide any of that for Koh. He was a mere imitation of a human, wisps of a person that once was there but now was gone. The James that Koh was fated to be with no longer existed. He was erased, he’d left with Darwin that night and never returned. What was left behind was a tired corpse, a skinwalker, a cheap imitation of a man. 

He could never give Koh what he deserved. Dragging out this honeymoon period would only hurt Koh even more when the other shoe dropped. 

We can’t be together, Koh. 

He sounded crazed, panicked. Even he could tell from his voice that he wasn't in his right state of mind, as if he needed that reminder after the spectacle he'd just made of himself in front of the guards. 

Just calm down, okay? Everything is okay. Are you safe? 

Koh must have felt the pain and sorrow in his voice, for he didn’t push for any explanation. Even now, when Koh was undoubtedly confused, he prioritized James’ safety and comfort over his need for answers. As if James needed another reason to be hopelessly in love with him. 

James took shaky steps into his room, then kneeled on the ground. He reached under his bed, searching for something. He felt the hard edges of a cardboard box and pulled it out. 

This beat-up box held the memories he had of Darwin. There wasn't much, because his parents had thrown out all of Darwin’s belongings as soon as possible. But James managed to hang on to a few things that had been left in his room.

One of Darwin’s rings, a simple silver band with flowers engraved on it. Darwin called it his lucky ring, and he let James borrow it whenever he had a big exam coming up. James forgot to return it the last time, and they'd both been too wrapped up in their escape plan to remember its existence.

He slipped the ring onto his finger. It was cold against his heated skin, lifeless and lacking the charm it had when Darwin wore it. That was just what James did, transformed everything into a worse version of itself, sucking the life out of everything he touched with his cursed hands. Even a simple ring wasn't free from his path of destruction. 

There was a card that Darwin gave him on his fourteenth birthday. Inside, the words Happy Birthday, Jamesy were written in his neat script. James traced his fingers over every swooping letter. Had he known back then what his life would amount to, he would've kept every birthday card Darwin had ever given him. 

As princes, their birthdays were always regarded as huge celebrations. There was a big party in the mansion, complete with tons of guests neither of them knew. It was all fake, an act for the cameras. 

The only thing James looked forward to every year was the small things Darwin would gift him once he snuck into James' room at the end of the night. Sometimes, it would be a single hard candy. If James was lucky, then Darwin had managed to sneak away from the guards during one of his outings to buy a toy for him. 

One such toy was a really old teddy bear that Darwin gave him when they were children. James had to hide it away when he was twelve years old, because his parents thought he was too old for stuffed animals and threw them all away. 

He'd successfully saved this one, Mr. Teddy. Such a silly name was befitting the tiny child who named it.

He climbed into bed with his small collection of keepsakes, cradling the bear to his chest. It no longer smelled like Darwin. It only smelled of dust and cardboard. 

Still, it brought him a bit of comfort. Enough for him to curl up in bed, nursing his mental wounds. His parents were going to be livid when they heard about what happened. It just so happened both of them had an event to attend, which was the only reason they hadn’t barged into the dining room while he was making a ruckus.

Not only had he made a huge mess and broken dishes, but now that princess was probably going to spread around the rumor that he was gay and had anger issues. Not that James cared how he was perceived by other people. But his parents certainly did. After all, his usefulness only extended to how good he could make them look, how much money he could make them. 

He couldn’t do anything right. Even one simple dinner date had gone so awry. And it only further proved that he was a bomb waiting to go off, obliterating everything in his path. It was only a matter of time before he destroyed Koh, too.

Koh deserved so much better than him. 

Speaking of Koh, he’d been projecting his thoughts this entire time. He was trying his best to soothe James, to reassure him that everything was going to be okay. But Koh didn’t know the full story. He was missing critical information that would swiftly change his tune.

But that was all James’ fault, too. He’d intentionally left Koh in the dark, so now, all Koh could do was offer his support by way of placating phrases that would hold no weight under the truth. Still, it was kind of him to try. 

Why do you care so much about me? I haven’t been good to you. I’m selfish, I don’t deserve you.

For once, he allowed his true thoughts to trickle across the bond. He was simply too tired to keep up his defenses, worn out from the events of the day. He didn't see much of a point in lying, not when Koh could tell how shaken up he was. 

I’m your soulmate, James. I just want you to let me in. And I don’t think you’re selfish at all.

You don’t really know me. I’ve told you barely anything about me. 

That was true. He was sure that if Koh looked harder, got close enough to see the truth, it would expose the beast inside, lying in wait to swallow him up and consume him, leaving behind nothing but dust in its wake.

This whole soulmate thing doesn’t come with a manual. It’s different for everyone, and I’m trying my best to understand where you’re coming from. Your life is complicated, I get it. But I promise that I’m not going anywhere. Even if you don’t want me, I’m here.

Koh’s earnest words brought pearlescent tears to his eyes once again. They drew grief-stricken lines down his cheeks. 

He was grieving his old self, the life he could've had if his parents weren't so corrupt. He'd still have Darwin by his side, being the best big brother. And he'd have Koh too, the most caring soulmate. His existence wouldn't be plagued by unrealistic expectations, his every move wouldn't be controlled by the puppet masters.

He just wanted to feel Darwin’s comforting presence once again. And he wanted to experience Koh’s warm embrace, to be safe and comfortable in the arms of someone whose heart was much too big for his body.

Maybe then, he'd be able to find a modicum of happiness in this messed-up world. Maybe then, he wouldn't be crushed under the weight of a title he wanted nothing to do with.

Maybe then, his life would be worth something. 

I was serious when I said we can’t be together, Koh. I’m not someone who can live happily ever after with you.

I don’t need some fairy tale. I just need you. 

James' heart squeezed in his chest. As much as he wished those words to be true, that Koh needed him, they weren't. What Koh needed instead was to be as far away from him as possible, to run for the hills and never look back. Koh would be much happier if he could relegate their soulbond to a mere fragment of a life that could've been, but wasn't meant to be in this timeline. 

If Koh could just forget about him, he might be able to escape his melancholic fate. 

You don't need me, you were fine before we met.

No I wasn't, James. Before I met you, every day felt so hard. But now, whenever I hear your voice, some of that weight is lifted and everything feels okay, for a little while. 

The tears were falling more freely down his face now. But they weren't for him anymore. They were for Koh, who led such a difficult life that even a connection with someone like James was enough to brighten his days. How sad, that James’ pitiful existence served as a pick-me-up, a reason for Koh to smile at the end of the day.

And now, when Koh finally thought he had someone he could confide in, it would all be ripped away from him. Because their connection may have been written in the stars, but someone had reached into the sky and knocked those stars around, scrambling their destiny into a nonsensical mess. And just like that, they became star-crossed lovers, condemned to nothing but pain and loss. 

He knew he wasn't good enough for Koh. Nevertheless, he was touched by the sentiment.

And he really didn't want to say goodbye to Koh. Now that he'd gotten a taste of being cared for, he didn't think he could live without it. Every fiber of his being wanted to hang onto Koh's presence, to burn the cadence of his voice into his memory and cling onto his words until they were seared into his brain. 

Maybe, rather than forget about each other’s existence, they could be friends. Then James could have someone to lean on, after all. Perhaps giving him a soulmate was the world’s way of providing him with a much-needed support system in the middle of his fucked up life. 

And James could also be that for Koh. A friend, someone to talk to when times got tough. He couldn't do much more than offer a listening ear, a metaphorical shoulder to cry on. But Koh clearly found value in his presence and he didn't deserve to be given the cold shoulder over a fate neither of them could control. 

Tentatively, he shared his idea. 

Could we try being friends, instead of soulmates? 

It was a bit of a ridiculous question, he knew. They couldn't just stop being soulmates, it was their natural state of being. If it was that easy to stop, James would've done it by now.

But he knew Koh would understand what he meant. Koh had this uncanny ability to make sense of his jumbled thoughts, uncurling them like tangled wires and inspecting them closely for hidden meanings. 

Yes. Let's be friends, James.

Relief flooded his entire body, and he buried his tear-soaked face against the teddy bear, not caring how dusty it was. Koh would be the first friend he'd made in his miserable life.

He could do this. He could keep Darwin safe, and he could protect Koh from himself, too. This way, he was nothing more than a friend to Koh, so whatever nonsense James had going on in his life didn't directly affect him. 

Everything would be okay.

As long as Koh didn’t hold any false hope that they could be together.

Chapter Text

Koh considered James as his miracle. His special present from the universe, gift-wrapped with colorful wrapping paper and decorated with a pretty bow, all for him. 

He was so used to sharing every facet of his life with his brothers that he was eager for something he could keep entirely to himself. Something he could selfishly clutch close to his heart, absorbing its radiance and using its energy to keep him going through his toughest, most tiresome days. How badly he longed for something, anything to serve as a pick-me-up, a higher purpose to lend motivation to his lowly mortal existence. 

That long-awaited opportunity finally came in the form of James, his soulmate, whom Koh wanted to sink his greedy fingers into and never let go. 

He wanted to clasp James tightly against his chest, squeeze him in his arms until he was almost sure that he would pop, only to hear his pretty voice laughing as he demanded for Koh to unhand him. He wouldn’t mean it, of course. In James’ language, let me go actually meant hold me tighter, as proven by the bright smile he’d wear when he said it. 

And Koh would never hesitate to tighten his hold on James, for he couldn't allow such a precious gift to slip through his fingers. James was the ice-cold glass of water waiting on his nightstand to quench his thirst when he suddenly woke in the middle of the night with a dry throat. The refreshing breeze that hit him just right when he was overworked under the sun, providing him with much-needed cooling that prevented him from suffering from heat stroke. The sun peeking out from between the clouds after a torrential downpour, drying up all the droplets of water that stubbornly clung to each blade of grass.

He didn't want to go back to life without that sweet thrumming of James' thoughts flitting across their soulbond. His existence would return to being a drag, the shackles of responsibility weighing him down with every step, with no break in the form of his soulmate's warm affections filling his head. 

So yeah, he never wanted to let James go. 

Except, it was kind of hard to hold onto someone who was so determined to keep his distance. 

No matter how much Koh attempted to worm his way past James’ defenses, he could only do so much when he was met with fortification of James' barriers instead of the gates opening with a red carpet for Koh to waltz right into his heart. 

Not to mention, he had no idea what James actually looked like, so any images of his beatific smile were ripped straight out of Koh’s wildest dreams. He’d never had the most creative mind, thanks to his childhood being stripped away from him, every hint of imagination scrubbed away to make room for responsibility and dependability. 

He hadn't fostered any creative skills in his younger years, so his mental images would pale in comparison to James' actual visage. Any figment of his imagination couldn’t possibly hold a candle to the beauty James would exude from his very essence. 

He badly wanted to feel the warmth of James’ palm against his, experience the weight of his watchful gaze, look deeply into his eyes and lean in to kiss him-

Even just thinking about it was enough to turn his cheeks ruddy, and he had to focus really hard not to transmit his desperate, lovesick thoughts to James. It would be a disaster if James knew he was thinking about holding him and kissing him, as well as other things couples do. 

Because he’d been banned from flirting with James. That’s right, he was no longer allowed to indulge in pet names, or calling James pretty, or talking about how badly he wanted them to meet. He had to hold his tongue, shove the compliments back down before they came out, no matter how much they burned his throat on the way down. 

It was what James wanted.  

Koh was an expert at tossing his feelings aside for the sake of others. Not that he was bragging or anything. He didn’t think it was something to be proud of. Really, it just meant that he was a big coward who never had the guts to stand up for himself. 

Which was why, when James asked to be just friends with him, he’d agreed without a second thought. It was impossible not to, when James had been so frantic seconds before asking, worrying Koh into a tizzy. 

It would’ve been extremely insensitive of him to deny James of anything when he’d only just started to calm down from his panicked state. It was all he could do to ease some of his soulmate's worry, even if it meant hurting himself in the process. 

He'd willingly jam a thousand knives into his skin if it meant taking away every ounce of James' pain and suffering. He'd take on every bit of his soulmate’s stress and anxiety by carrying the full weight of James' responsibilities, even dooming himself to hell, if only to give James a moment of peace. 

There was nothing he wouldn't do for James. 

As much as he probably shouldn’t, he still held out hope that James would let him further into his heart one day. That he'd rescind his declaration of friendship and ask if Koh wanted to meet in person after all. He had recurring daydreams of returning to those giggly, heart-bearing nights filled with flirtations and warm, fluttery feelings. 

After James was freezing him out during those first weeks of their connection, their nights together were a dream come true. But that was all it was: a dream. One that had slipped through his fingers as quickly as it came, an oasis in the desert that kept getting further and further away the more Koh walked towards it. 

He’d tasted the sweet ambrosia of James’ shyness, allowed his bashful tones to echo around in his head, saccharine poison filling his veins. And now, he couldn’t live without it. Not when all he wanted was to find James, to hold him in his arms and watch that flush spread across his cheeks in real time, rather than rely on his poor imagination. 

Every time he got the wild idea of bringing up the strange turn their relationship had taken, all he could think about was how panicked James had sounded that night, when he’d been sending all kinds of distress signals that Koh couldn’t do anything about. The distance between them was a curse, the biggest obstacle in his life, the reason he couldn't calm James down by giving him a much-needed hug and rubbing his back until his tears ceased. 

If he could drop everything and teleport to James, he’d do it in a heartbeat. Because he never wanted to experience that level of fear and helplessness again.

Even recalling the moment was enough to cause the beginnings of panic to well within him, the flush draining out of his cheeks and replaced with a cold sweat. 

He could recall the incident, down to the finest detail. Not that there was much to remember, for his part. James’ thoughts had been spiraling faster than a tornado, it was impossible to latch onto any singular sentence. His voice was so loud in Koh’s head, but his words were garbled, resembling TV static. 

Still, Koh tried his best to get through the haze, to reach his panicked soulmate. James wasn’t receptive, or Koh’s thoughts weren’t strong enough to permeate the storm, or both. Either way, he was powerless. He couldn’t calm James down, neither by reaching out to him physically nor mentally. His efforts were nothing in the face of James’ hysteria.

He could taste James’ terror in his mouth and it made bile rise to his throat. He was so useless, he couldn’t even help James in his time of need. No wonder James wanted nothing to do with him. He was a poor excuse for a soulmate.

They’d be so much better off without me. 

Finally, James’ voice became clear, but only for a split second. One singular phrase reached Koh through layers of thick fog. But instead of relief, he was filled with an overwhelming sense of dread. Not only were those words extremely worrying, but the tone they were uttered with– a detached, numb acceptance– had him even more worried and desperate to talk to James.

James, is everything alright? Are you hurt?

Luck was on his side for a moment, because James seemed to have finally heard him. At least, Koh could only assume as much, because the storm had quieted. James’ voice disappeared, taking the whirlwind tempest with it. In its place was a devastating silence, the quiet that only came when James was firmly locking Koh out of his head. 

That was a skill Koh had yet to master. But it seemed to come easily to James. He tried not to be hurt by that. Nobody wanted their soulmate to clam up on them and shut them out of their head. But he knew James must have his reasons for being so secretive. He trusted James, he knew nothing he did was out of malice.

James was a good person. He was a sweet boy with a big heart, who missed his big brother and yearned to be set free from the suffocating rules of his parents. Koh may not know everything there was to know about James, but he knew for sure that he wasn’t a malicious being. And he was trying his best to get through every day, the only way he knew how.

He was similar to Koh, in that way. Both of them were taking things one day at a time, putting their best foot forward towards fulfilling the role that had been handed to them since birth. Koh may not know exactly what James' role was, but he knew it held a lot of expectations. Heavy was the head that wore the crown. 

He was so relieved when James’ voice returned not long later. But that relief was short-lived, because James sounded so desperate, his voice thick with tears.

We can’t be together, Koh.

Those words cut into Koh like a million tiny blades stabbed into his heart, stopping its relentless missing of keeping him alive. His throat was closing in on him, making him feel claustrophobic in his own skin, until he wanted to sink his fingers into his stomach and tear it open, if only to release the pressure building up within him.

But he couldn’t focus on any of that at the moment. James’ feelings were much more important. His soulmate was still frantic, tears no doubt running down his face, and it was Koh’s job to comfort him. He was always the protector, the provider, and he'd be damned if he selfishly allowed his own emotions to put a stop to his true purpose.

James’ safety was his number one concern. As long as James was okay, then he was, too.

Just calm down, okay? Everything is okay. Are you safe?

James was safe, in the physical sense at least. But he was suffering from a mental wound, one that had formed in his childhood and had never been allowed to heal. Everywhere he went, he was leaking blood, leaving a trail that Koh desperately wanted to follow. If only so he could mend James’ wounds, heal him of all of his trauma and help him forge a better future for himself.

But Koh was so useless. He couldn’t help James, not when James didn’t want to be helped. 

So when James made that dreaded inquiry, Koh really had no choice in the matter. It was the only way he could be of some use to James, by easing a bit of his guilt and lightening the load of his responsibilities. 

Could we try being friends, instead of soulmates?

James’ voice was so sweet, a bitter juxtaposition to how poisonous those words were. How badly Koh wished he could dismiss the notion. He wanted nothing more than to claim James as his, to run outside as if finding James was as easy as bumping into a neighbor he hadn’t seen in a while. But this was the cold, hard reality of it all, where James was far away from him and nothing could convince him to lessen their distance.

Yes. Let's be friends, James.

He made sure to keep any sadness out of his voice, not wanting James to worry or think he’d done something regretful. James wasn’t the evil one here; it was cruel fate and this universe that dared to keep them apart that was to blame.

He tried not to cry. It wasn’t fair of him to feel so miserable when James was the one experiencing true suffering. Who knew what James was going through as Koh sat in the comfort of his bedroom? 

But the venom had already reached his chest, there was nothing he could do. That dastardly snake known as fate had wrapped its scaly body around Koh’s heart, squeezing and squeezing until there was nothing left, and he was relegated to a pitiful puddle at James’ feet. 

He figured now was as good a time as any to start learning how to shut his soulmate out of their bond. After all, if they were only going to be friends, then James didn’t need nor want to hear his every waking thought. He’d need to do some research on building mental walls to keep his soulmate out of his mind. 

It would probably be a lot easier on James if he never heard Koh’s voice again. 

That was the thought that broke him, and he curled up in his bed, tears overflowing and trailing down his cheeks.

James had just started opening up to him. A few months of bliss was all he was worth, it would seem. Because James didn’t want to meet him. James didn’t want a soulmate. 

Koh had faith they could make it work, no matter the circumstances. That they could one day embrace, basking in the warmth of each other’s arms. Even if that day came years and years down the line, Koh would wait. For James, he would always wait, no matter how long it took. 

But James didn’t share that same hope. There was nothing Koh could do as one-half of a whole, when his missing piece didn’t have any faith in him. The other half of his soul didn't want to slide into place. James would rather forget about Koh's existence entirely than go through the effort of fulfilling their bond. 

And it was just so typical of Koh, to push down his emotions until they threatened to burst out of him. Every time he reached his breaking point and wanted to ask James if this was really the only way to go about this, with them remaining as friends until the end of his days, he stopped himself in his tracks. 

He reminded himself that his wishes to be true soulmates with James stemmed from a selfish desire to feel accepted and loved. It was pitiful and selfish for Koh to demand that James fight for them if he didn’t want to. If James couldn't spare any energy towards their soulbond, then Koh shouldn't try to force his hand. 

What he wanted most was for James to be okay. And if being friend-zoned by the one person he was fated to love until the end of his days was the only way to achieve that, then he’d do it without question. 

Had he almost lost James to the afterlife on that fateful day? He didn’t know, he barely knew anything. But one thing he knew for certain was that asking James about it was too dangerous. Who knew that kind of spiral he could be sent down at the slightest reminder of his lowest moment. 

James had been at rock bottom, so his frantic thoughts during that period of time had to be taken with a grain of salt.

That was what Koh told himself, anyway. It was less painful to believe that, than the cruel notion that James may have been about to do something extreme.  

So, all Koh could do was proceed with the knowledge that James was a fragile being, always seconds away from shattering. The smallest bit of pressure could jump-start his undoing, causing bits of shrapnel to litter the floor. Those jagged fragments of James' psyche would be lying in wait for Koh to slip and fall so their sharp edges could slash his skin, making his outsides just as ripped up and bloody as he felt on the inside. 

If Koh could choose, he’d much rather allow himself to be the shattered one. That way, he'd be satisfied in knowing his other half could continue living on without him. He'd cradle his broken pieces with a bloody smile, watching as James walked away with nothing more than a few scrapes, free to achieve his dreams and reach for the stars. 

But he couldn't do that, he didn't have the power to switch their fates. The most he could do was lend a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, all while swallowing the grief he felt every time he heard James’ voice.

Because his first thought, every time James spoke to him, was about how pretty he sounded. But he had to keep that to himself, bury his compliments deep inside, locking them away along with his self-pity. James couldn't be allowed to peek into his innermost layers, he wouldn't like what he saw.

Not that James wanted to, anyways. He had much more pressing matters to attend to, and none of them included Koh. 

A few weeks had passed since Koh agreed to be friend-zoned by the love of his life. They were just… friends who happened to share thoughts. Simple, right? 

Well, not really. Not when Koh’s heart still beat faster every time James’ soft inflections filled his head. Not when hearing James’ rare laughter lit him up from the inside out, turning him into a fierce star, radiating light only to keep his soulmate warm. 

He was still helplessly in love with his James, and no amount of friend-zoning could change that.

Sometimes, James talked to him once the sun went down, a pleasant reminder of the late nights they once shared. Mostly about mundane things like what he'd eaten that day (usually fancy meals that Koh could only dream of), or a bird he saw outside his window. 

I wish I was as free as that bird, James had thought once, and that only riddled Koh with even more guilt. Because while he was throwing himself a pity party over his soulmate not wanting him, James was too busy struggling through every day to worry about the trials and tribulations of love. Koh's grievances were probably nothing more than a speck of dust when compared to James' planet-sized worries.

He didn't know exactly what struggles James faced. But he knew enough to say that James had a lot going on, and Koh was the last thing on his mind. Which was why he only really spoke to Koh at the end of the day, when all other responsibilities were out of the way. 

Some nights, James didn't speak to him at all. Koh could only lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling as he wondered if James’ voice would appear. He would become sick with worry, terrified that James might be gone forever, might’ve panicked and started having those destructive thoughts again. The one sentence that haunted Koh, swirling around in his head when everything was too quiet, They’d be so much better off without me. 

It was difficult for him to sleep those nights, as he hopelessly waited for a reassurance that never came. 

Koh was relegated to a mere background character in James' life. Which he should've been used to by now. And he was, really, he'd grown comfortable with being the extra character in everyone else's story.

It was just that, receiving a soulmate of his own had filled him with foolish false hopes of having someone who would put him first. He thought he’d finally have someone to trust and lean on after being the dependable one for so long.

Alas, it just wasn’t meant to be. Because he only felt even lonelier when faced with the cruel truth that his soulmate didn’t want to be with him. It might have been better for both of them if they really had ended up soulmateless, after all.

He never thought he'd be wishing that he was born without a soulmate. But James’ life was easier without Koh in it. Perhaps, without the added weight of having an unreachable soulmate to worry about, James wouldn’t have such scary thoughts and wouldn’t end up doing something he’d regret. 

“Hey, are you alright?” Jeans’ question pulled him out of his thoughts, prompting him to look up. Right, he was spending time at Jeans’ place, because Q noticed how miserable he was lately and practically forced him outside the house, to go “have some fun.”

But Koh wasn’t having much fun, to be honest. Because Ben was there.

Not that he had anything against Ben. He was a great guy, kind and funny, the perfect fit to be Jeans’ other half. It was just that, being around soulmates right now brought out all kinds of complex feelings from deep within him that he'd rather not be dealing with. 

Jealousy reared its ugly head every time Jeans and Ben shared a look that made it obvious they were transmitting thoughts to each other. But it wasn’t fair to them for Koh to express these selfish, bitter feelings, so it was better for everyone if he just stayed quiet. 

He found himself thinking that often, these days. He only needed to sit down and shut up, coast silently through life, making the least ruckus possible. To affect the smallest number of people, diminishing his risk of becoming a burden to anyone. He'd never forgive himself if his presence made someone's day even slightly worse. 

He couldn’t help wishing he’d just stayed inside, wallowing in his bed as he had been for the past few weeks. That was a lot easier than plastering on a neutral expression, trying to act like his bleeding heart wasn't being held together with staples and fraying knots, so close to coming undone and dooming him to fall apart in front of their very eyes. 

“I’m fine, just thinking about stuff.”

“What stuff?” Jeans approached him cautiously, sitting beside him and throwing Ben a look that made him leave the room. And that only made Koh feel worse, because here he was, crashing into Jeans’ house and separating him from his soulmate. Some kind of friend he was. “You can talk to me, you know? Best friends, and all that.”

Koh shook his head, even as a small smile was coaxed out of him. “You really will beat that best friend card to death, won’t you?”

“I’ll beat it until you open your mouth and tell me why you’ve been moping in bed for weeks.”

Koh narrowed his eyes, regarding Jeans with a suspicious expression. “How did you know about that?”

Jeans placed a hand upon his shoulder, his go-to comforting move. Koh couldn’t even count the number of times he’d pulled that maneuver through the years. “Q gave me a call before sending your miserable ass over. He said you haven’t left your room unless you absolutely have to.”

Koh may not have been thrilled to have his personal business aired out, but Q was just worried about him, and he couldn’t fault him for that. Still, he really didn’t want to have this conversation. In fact, he’d been specifically avoiding Jeans for as long as he possibly could, because he knew he’d stubbornly pester Koh into telling him what his issue was. 

“It’s complicated soulmate stuff, you won’t understand.”

Jeans snorted, looking at him like he’d said something ridiculous. “How would I not understand? I do have a soulmate, you know.”

“It’s not the same. James is… a complicated person.”

“Try me.”

Koh didn't know if he was mentally prepared to talk about James. But he was also kind of bursting at the seams with the need to confide in someone, to speak his feelings out loud instead of allowing them to build up until he exploded. And who better to spill his secrets to than his best friend, who'd stuck by him through thick and thin?

If he couldn’t even reveal his true mental state to Jeans, then how would he ever cope with the new state of his life? Besides, he knew Jeans would never let this go. He’d badger Koh until he had no choice but to divulge his deepest secrets, holding his intestines in his hands, exposing the innermost layers of himself. He may as well get the humiliation over with.

And so, for the first time, Koh admitted out loud that James didn’t want to be with him. He revealed everything he knew, from James being oppressed by his parents to the panic attack incident that ended in their relationship status devolving from soulmates to friends.

Jeans listened patiently, luckily not interrupting until Koh was finished. Once Koh started speaking, the words flowed out of him like water. He’d needed to talk through his situation more than he knew, to sort out his thoughts and get his facts straight. Everything had been a jumbled mess in his head for weeks, so laying it all out chronologically was helpful.

When Koh had spilled everything, his throat was starting to hurt from talking too much and he had to take a sip of water. He could tell Jeans wanted to say something, so he nodded. “I’m done, go ahead.”

Jeans’ mouth shifted into a frown, like he knew Koh wasn’t going to like what he had to say. “It sounds strange. If he really wants to get away from his parents so bad, why doesn’t he just leave? Then he could find you, and you could ride off into the sunset together.”

Koh was shaking his head before Jeans was even finished speaking. As expected, Jeans couldn’t fully grasp the gravity of the situation at hand. It would be impossible for anyone but James and Koh to understand. 

Jeans hadn’t tasted the genuine fear and panic that had welled up on James’ end of the soulbond. He hadn’t heard the terror in his frantic voice, words unintelligible but no less worrying. He never wanted James to feel like that again. He was scared of what a repeat might entail. His own suffering was a small price to pay to make sure his soulmate was living and breathing.

“As nice as that sounds, it won’t happen. He wants us to stay friends.”

“Koh, you know that’s not possible. You can’t just friend-zone your soulmate. I mean, that’s crazy. You’re obviously in love with him, and it’s selfish of him to give up on you-”

This was a mistake. He should’ve kept it all to himself, he knew nobody would be able to understand James but him. They were cosmically linked, so he held a special sympathy for James that made it impossible for Koh to dislike him for his decisions, no matter how painful they were. 

Jeans was still rambling, mischaracterizing James as some jerk who didn’t care about Koh’s feelings. His James wasn’t like that at all. He was sweet and caring, with a pretty laugh and big dreams that he didn’t think he’d ever be able to reach. Jeans didn’t know anything about his James.

“Stop it.” He cut Jeans off before he could finish his latest sentence about how unreasonable James was being. 

Jeans gave him a bewildered look. Koh was fairly certain he’d never spoken to him with such a stern tone before. “Huh?”

“Don’t talk about James like that. You don’t know the first thing about him.” He felt sick, nausea creeping up on him, and it was all he could do to stand without falling over. 

His voice was shaky, a testament to how unwell he was feeling all of a sudden. Tears pricked his eyes, but luckily he was able to hold them back for the time being. “James is trying his best every day. He’s going through so much, and I just want him to be okay.”

Jeans stood, attempting to touch his shoulder again, but Koh shook him off. “Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s okay, but I need to go now. Tell Ben I said bye.”

“Wait-,” Jeans compelled, but Koh was already walking out the door. 

Once he left Jeans’ house, he just kept walking. He didn’t even know where he was going. He was following some invisible path, legs moving all on their own, driven by some base instincts that his conscious mind couldn't comprehend.

Perhaps they were instinctively bringing him to wherever James was, so he could finally see his face and convince him that they were worth fighting for. That they could be together, if only both of them took a leap of faith, holding hands the whole way down whatever yawning abyss they were jumping into. 

He was certain that the moment he stood in place for too long, he would collapse onto the ground into a mess of trembling sobs. He was sad for James, who couldn’t live the life he wanted and had no faith in his destiny. He was sad for himself, who could never be with his other half and was the perpetual sidekick in everyone else's narrative. 

His newly-constructed mental wall must’ve started to show cracks, because James was suddenly in his head.

Are you okay?

Koh stopped in his tracks, legs finally ceasing their tireless mission of taking him who-knows-where. He really tried to keep his cool, not wanting to expose how upset he was. But his thoughts must’ve had other plans. Because before he knew what he was doing, he asked the question that had been burning a hole in his mind, filling him with dread every time he considered the possible answer. 

Are you sure about this, James? Is being friends really the only solution?

Koh didn’t know what he was expecting in response. The deepest, most delusional parts of himself wished that James would see reason, would reach enlightenment and realize this pitiful attempt at scorning fate was foolish. That he’d declare his undying love for Koh and admit that he couldn’t stop thinking about him, that it was impossible for them to be only friends. Then, James would finally agree that they had to do whatever it took to ensure they could be together. 

Of course, that was only a pipe dream. One that Koh couldn’t cling to tightly enough, because it was already slipping through his fingers like grains of sand. 

I’m sure, Koh. Some things aren't meant to be.

He could’ve guessed James would say that. But that didn’t make the words hurt any less. It didn’t stop them from tearing into his skin, embedding tiny pellets into his flesh that would remain there for the foreseeable future, too deep for him to dig his fingers in to pull them out. The ever-present itch beneath his skin would be a constant reminder that he was doomed to never properly fit in anywhere, fated to live the rest of his days alone.

Koh bit his bottom lip so hard that his teeth broke the skin, filling his mouth with the coppery taste of blood. His hands balled into fists at his sides, his nails digging into his palms, the pain providing him with a much-needed focal point to keep him from losing himself in the wave of emotion that threatened to topple him over. 

He turned his gaze to the full moon, as if seeking some secret answer that only the celestial bodies of the cosmos held. He found solace in the knowledge that the world continued to turn, no matter what happened to him. His suffering was a tiny spot of grief in the grand scheme of things, a mere microscopic misery. 

His existence was an unnecessary stain on this planet, too small to see from outer space. 

The world moved on, whether he did or not. Everyone else carried on with their lives, no matter if he was stuck in the same hole of depression and self-pity. He could stay there for the rest of his days, and it wouldn’t make a difference to the galaxy.

He didn’t matter to this planet.

Why, then, did the universe deign to give him a soulmate in the first place? What complex plan was he a part of? He couldn’t see the bigger picture, the cosmic reason for such a confusing decision driven by fate. 

But we are meant to be. That's kind of the whole point, isn't it?

He couldn’t keep the sadness out of his tone, no matter how hard he tried. Misery was dripping from every syllable, melancholy clear in his inflection, and he felt James wilting in response. 

I’m sorry, Koh. Fate must've made a mistake.

He tried to hide how much that stung. But the tendrils of hurt had already sunk deep into his chest, infecting his entire being with foul acid. He was filled with acrid disillusionment, bitterness lacing his voice when he responded.

I've never seen you as a mistake.

He put his newly-developed skills to work, closing down his side of the bond so James couldn’t hear him any longer. He just couldn’t talk to James anymore, not when his heart was shattering into pieces, blown away in the wind, never to be seen again. Maybe the breeze would carry those dainty shreds of his heart all the way to James, who would then toss them in the trash, where they rightfully belonged. 

James wanted nothing to do with him romantically. He kept Koh at an arm’s distance at all times, only allowing blurry bits and pieces of his life to seep through their bond. 

Koh tried his best to be James’ friend after lying that he was okay with it, swallowing his feelings down, locking them deep in his chest and throwing away the key. Because he knew that was what James needed. Despite not fully understanding his home life, he could tell James was in a hopeless situation. 

Koh’s life wasn’t all unicorns and rainbows, either. For a short period of time, he thought he’d found his reprieve, his heavenly break in the heavy weight of existence. He wanted James to be his oasis, the cool breeze that would calm the volcano bubbling inside Koh’s stomach at every hour of the day, lying in wait for the perfect opportunity to erupt and wipe Koh’s existence off the map.

For a few euphoric weeks, he’d allowed himself to believe he was wanted. But it had all gone up in smoke, a mirage in the desert that he was never meant to reach. The moment his hand stretched out in front of him, that image would dissipate in the blink of an eye, reappearing miles away. No matter how far he traversed, he’d never set foot on the soothing sand of James’ affections. 

His knees went weak, tired from the long trek they’d made. His body buckled under the immense pressure he was constantly under, and he collapsed into a heap on the ground. He rolled over to lie on his side, not caring that he was now covered in dirt and blades of grass. Tears pooled in his eyes, spilling over and flowing down his face. The saltiness stung his eyes, just another type of pain added to his laundry list of issues. 

“What’s wrong?” 

A gentle voice filled his ears, and for one delusional moment, he believed James had somehow found him after all. For one pitiful second, he allowed himself to hope that his soulmate couldn’t live without him and had fought against all obstacles to be with him, despite his stubbornness to stay nothing more than friends.

But then, a familiar pair of arms wrapped around him, much too small to belong to James. That was when he realized his body had been following a well-known, beaten path. He hadn’t been randomly walking, as he previously thought. His subconscious was guiding him to the one place he was meant to be safe.

Or at least, it was trying to. He’d fallen to the ground a few feet away from his front door, not quite having the energy to bring himself inside. Where Nay had presumably found him, curled up on the ground like a baby, or perhaps a wounded animal.

“Shhh, it’s okay.”

Nay was holding him, rubbing over his back, just as Koh always did for him when he cried. When he was a small child, sobbing over his nightmares and crawling into Koh’s bed, the only place he felt safe and secure. 

Nay was much too young to be the one comforting him. It was supposed to be the other way around. As much as Koh prided himself on taking care of his brothers, he was being a pretty terrible role model right about now. 

He wondered how he managed to raise such a kind, emotionally intelligent person. Even at such a young age, Nay was always the first one to rush to console anyone, to lend a helping hand wherever he could. He always rose to the occasion, quick to offer his shoulder to cry on, or a listening ear. He’d do anything to cheer someone up. He was like a portable sunshine, sharing his radiance with anyone who needed it, just what one might need to drive away a rainy day.

This entire situation was Koh’s cross to bear and he was determined to handle it on his own. But after his conversation with Jeans, everything was fresh in his mind. The wounds that had started to scab over were fully exposed once again, tender and bleeding, dredging up his pain like he’d just heard those words five minutes ago instead of a few weeks ago: We can’t be together, Koh.

James hadn’t even given them a chance. He’d given up on Koh, on their cosmic connection, on the stars fating their destiny, before even trying to make things work. Koh had been the one making an effort all along, as he always was. He gave and gave and gave until he had nothing left to give. And even then, when he was nothing more than smoke and bone, he’d give all of that up too. He’d willingly hand over every ounce of bone marrow, every sliver of flesh, every crumb of sinew, if it would be of worth to someone else.

Because everyone else was so much more important than him. His brothers, James, Jeans. Their lives all held meaning, whereas he had no divine purpose. He was only here to serve as a conduit, a helper. A means for the people around him to reach their full potential, leaving him behind in the dust in the process.

As he looked into those empathetic eyes that were imploring him to speak, he was compelled to obey. As pathetic and grief-stricken as Koh was, he found himself wanting to spill everything to his younger brother, once again passing off a portion of his pain onto someone else, as he’d vowed not to do. But the words were tumbling out of his mouth and he was helpless to stop them. 

“James doesn’t want to be with me.” 

His voice was shaky and pitiful, and he had to swallow in the middle of his sentence when his voice broke, threatening to give out on him, just as his heart had already given out. As every facet of his being had already surrendered itself over to whatever divine principle was ruling over his life and deemed him unfit to take control of his own destiny. The world had handed him a soulmate, only to cruelly rip James right out of his hands, leaving him cold and lonely. 

Nay’s grip on him tightened, tears of sympathy filling his eyes that only riddled Koh with guilt. This was his little brother, whom he was supposed to protect. And yet, here he was, spilling his guts and shoving some of his unbearable burden onto someone who had no business carrying it.

He was just about to apologize for his transgression when Nay spoke, and Koh was surprised by the vitriol in his voice. Nay was never angry. He was a peacemaker, soft and gentle, with kind eyes and an even kinder smile. He never raised his voice, never raised a fist, and he surely never gritted his teeth, as he was in that moment.

“Then James is a big dummy head!”

Koh found himself smiling, in spite of the tears still pouring out of his eyes. Because even in his anger, the worst insult Nay could think of was so mild, a testament to how sweet his soul was. 

“Nay, sometimes things aren’t as simple as they seem. James has other things to worry about, he doesn’t have time to concern himself with me.”

Once again, Koh found himself belittling his feelings, tossing them aside to make room for someone else’s. It came second-nature to him, downplaying his emotions and pretending like he wasn’t always one second away from crashing down. Because James’ well-being came first, and he was but a mere grain of dust in comparison.

Nay was wiping his tears away now, with gentle fingers. “You have other things going on too, and you’d never make your soulmate cry like this.”

That was true, but Nay was just too young to understand the complexities of adult life. Koh was an adult, and even he could hardly comprehend this situation he’d been dropped into. 

Perhaps they were just too incompatible, from two entirely different walks of life. Parallel lines fated to never meet. They were the sun and the moon, the clouds and the stars; destined to constantly see each other in the distance, but never touch. 

I wish I could touch those flowers. I wonder what they smell like. 

Koh was surprised when James’ voice rang out in his head. At first, he didn’t know how to feel about it. Just yesterday, he’d had an entire breakdown in his front yard over the awkward state of their connection. But he realized the sound of his soulmate’s voice was enough to ease some of that residual pain, despite also being the cause of it.

He was in a complicated spot. It was useless trying to understand his own reactions, and why his heart still twinged when James’ thoughts reached out to him. 

James’ life was really a tragic tale. When Koh first learned that James was stuck in his house, he didn’t think he meant it literally. But with the bits and pieces of information Koh had gathered from James’ thoughts, it became clear that he was literally locked inside, like a prison. He would often gaze out the window, thinking about how free and peaceful the world was beyond the scope of his house. 

It made Koh realize he took his freedom for granted. He may be tethered to his responsibilities, but he could go outside, smell the flowers and lay in the dirt all he wanted. He could even have a breakdown in the grass outside his front door if he so wished. 

You haven’t smelled flowers?

James appeared startled, perhaps he hadn’t noticed that he’d allowed his guard down enough for his thoughts to trickle across the bond. Nature seemed to bring James a certain peace, allowing some of his defenses to drop, despite it always being just out of reach. 

I haven’t. My parents only tolerate fake plants, they say real ones are too messy.

And wasn’t that just sad? Koh imagined himself in James’ position, a lonely boy in an empty room, doomed to gaze out at a freedom he could never experience, watching as flowers he could never quite grasp swayed in the breeze. Perhaps he returned to that windowsill every day, taking note of how much the flowers had grown as he was busy attending to his business.

Koh wished he could break James out of his perpetual prison, take him on a walk and let him smell every flower they came across. The pretty, earthly scent would surely put a smile on his face, perhaps the first one he’d worn in a while. 

James would be able to feel the cool breeze against his skin, tousling his hair and carrying away his burdens with it. The sensation of the sunlight against his skin would coax an elated laugh from his lips, and he’d finally be able to relax, lounging in the grass beneath a tree. 

If I could give a bird a bouquet of flowers and send them off to you, I would.

Silence followed his declaration, and Koh realized a second too late that he’d overstepped. He’d gotten carried away in his mental image of James enjoying himself, surrounded by beautiful nature, unshackled from his daily tribulations.

James’ biggest boundary, ever since the demotion of their status, was that Koh couldn’t say anything flirty or romantic to him. James didn’t want either of them to hold false hope that their bond could be fulfilled as it was meant to, with them living happily ever after. 

As long as Koh didn’t try anything funny, James would remain relatively open to him. At least, as much as he would with a friend. James wasn’t exactly sharing all his secrets and gossiping about his problems, but it was still worlds better than shutting Koh out indefinitely, depriving him of the heavenly tones of his voice forevermore. 

But he hadn’t meant the phrase to be romantic, not really. He was simply sad for James, filled with pity at the knowledge that he could never do something as simple as hold a beautiful flower in his hand. A pretty person like James surely deserved a pretty flower to match, perched between his delicate fingers as he raised it to his nose to inhale the sweet scent he'd been craving. 

Koh…

He was usually thrilled to hear his voice from James’ mouth, but not when it was uttered with such a warning tone, an admonition. As if he was a child being scolded after he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. 

Right, sorry. I didn’t mean to. 

Koh should really learn to shut his mouth sometimes. James had been vulnerable for a moment, allowing a glimpse into his private thoughts. And Koh had rewarded it by stomping over the clear line James had drawn in the sand, the one way he’d determined they could co-exist in each other’s heads without disaster striking and making things worse for the both of them.

Even though Koh didn’t understand why James was so sure they couldn’t be together, he’d promised to follow his wishes. He didn’t want to be pushy and selfish, someone who valued himself above others, to the detriment of the people he cared about.

But Koh just had to take that inch and turn it into a mile, taking things too far. He couldn’t even respect James’ wishes properly, so much for someone who constantly put others before himself. 

James would probably make an even more conscious effort to keep Koh out of his head, now. 

The next time he heard James’ voice was a handful of days later. Koh had just been wondering if he should ask what James was up to, since he’d been missing for a few days, but he didn’t dare be the one to reach out. He didn’t want to inconvenience James, to make his days even harder to get through. He tried not to speak unless he was spoken to first. 

He did have the unconscious habit of mentally prodding at their soulbond to ensure it was still intact, but that was just to make sure James was still alive. Every time he felt the comfortable thrumming of James’ presence on the other end of the line, he was filled with relief. 

I miss you, Winnie.

That piteous, melancholic confession wasn't meant for his ears. And yet, he’d heard them, loud and clear. And what kind of soulmate would he be if he ignored such a sad plea? If he allowed James to continue crying on his own, as he obviously was, according to the tearful tone of his voice. 

I know you’re upset. I’m here, even if you don’t want me to be. 

He expected James to be shocked at his interjection, to stop the floodgates and firmly yank his thoughts away from the bond. 

But he didn’t. If anything, James leaned into the bond, seeking comfort in it. And Koh tried not to be happy about that, given the circumstances. James was crying his eyes out, this was really no time to be rejoicing. 

Koh…

Despite everything, even just that breathy call of his name was enough to have his heart racing. He felt sick at himself, at his stupid body that was sending heat to his face at one simple call of his name.

Because he wasn’t supposed to have these sorts of reactions. At least, James didn’t want him to. James wanted them to be friends, and friends certainly don’t blush from hearing their name pass from each other’s lips. But Koh couldn’t help it, he was already clutching at his chest, willing the pitiful little organ to calm itself down so he could do his job as James’ friend.

I’m really worried about you, James. If you need someone, you can always talk to me.

There was a second of hesitancy on James’ part, then he seemed to come to terms with something, pressing on. 

The reason I can’t talk to you is that I feel so guilty for what I’ve done to you. I don’t want to make this harder on you. 

That admission was enough to have Koh fighting a smile. Because in Koh's delusional mind, what he heard wasn't I can't talk to you, but I don't want to trouble you. Which is what Koh had also been thinking this entire time.  

In his own special way, James really did care about him. 

Hey, don’t say that. We’re friends, right? Friends talk to each other about what’s on their mind.

I’ve never had a friend, Koh.

Oh. 

Koh was James’ first friend.

No wonder James had such a hard time opening up to him. He didn’t know where the line between friend and soulmate lay, because he’d never experienced what it was like to have a friend in the first place. 

Not that Koh was the best role model, either. He didn’t have many friends, and he was still hopelessly in love with James, despite being demoted to friendship status. 

Still, he could do this one thing for James. He may not be able to rescue him from his melancholic situation, he may not be able to hold James’ heart in his hand, and he may never get to see what his smile looked like, but he could show James what having a friend was like. Maybe he wasn’t entirely useless, after all. 

He just had to keep his heart under control. 

Friends confide in each other. Let me start. When you don't speak to me for a while, I get really anxious. I'm scared you’re going to…

He trailed off, not knowing how to phrase it without possibly offending or upsetting James. Luckily, James got the gist without him continuing. 

I’m not going to do anything bad, don’t worry. It was just a moment of weakness. I'm sorry you had to hear me like that. 

Koh let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding in. That was a good first step. It was the most progress they'd made this entire time, so Koh was hopeful. 

Maybe a bit too hopeful. 

You can tell me what happened that day. No pressure, only if you want to. 

As much as Koh was trying to act like he knew what he was doing, he really didn't. He was simply saying what had been weighing on his mind for weeks. 

James had stopped crying, which seemed like a good sign. But his voice was still soaked in sadness, exuding melancholy that had Koh's heart aching in sympathy.

I snapped under the pressure and threw a fit in the kitchen. You should've seen the mess of broken dishes I left behind. I don't know how much longer I can take this, Koh. 

That was the most James had ever spoken to him at once. Which would've been a cause for celebration, if it wasn't for the dark subject matter. But Koh found himself relieved, because James was finally opening up. This clearly wasn't easy for him to talk about, but he'd placed his trust in Koh, allowing him a peek into his turbulent emotions. And Koh would never make him regret it. 

This was a massive breakthrough, a light at the end of the tunnel signaling that they really could be there for each other. Maybe they were brought together to support each other as friends instead of soulmates. 

How about this? Whenever you feel close to a breaking point, you can talk to me. I'm no magical cure or anything, but I'll always listen to you. Even when nobody else will. 

Koh felt something nudge against their bond, a bit of hope blossoming on James' side of it. And it was like the grandest victory, the tastiest treat at the end of a long day. Because James was placing his faith in Koh. James trusted him to be there for him, as a friend. And Koh wasn't picky, he'd take what he could get. 

Thank you, Koh. I don't know what I've done to deserve your loyalty. 

You don't have to do anything, except stay alive. Even if we can't be together, I want to know you're out there somewhere.

I want you to stay alive, too. It comforts me to know that someone as lovely as you exists in the world. 

Koh raised his hands to his warm cheeks, cooling them off with his palms. He was fighting the urge to let out a lovesick sigh and twirl a lock of his hair around his finger like the female lead in a romance movie. 

That was the most romantic thing James had ever said to him. 

Fuck, he was so in love with James. 

“Imagine being friend-zoned by your soulmate for five years! I don't know how he didn't go insane.”

Duean was pointing at the television, loudly blabbering about the plot of the show they were watching. It was the latest episode of a new drama about star-crossed soulmates. 

This type of show wasn't Koh's vibe. After all, he didn't have to imagine what being stuck in the dreaded friend-zone for five years felt like, because that was his reality. 

Well, he hadn't quite reached the five-year mark, yet. He was going strong on three years of being nothing more to James than a long-distance friend. 

It didn't get any easier as time went by. He still thought about James daily, wondering what he was doing whenever his thoughts wandered. James hadn't spoken a word to him in a few days, which he'd gotten used to by now. He could only hope James was doing okay. He didn't have the courage to ask. 

He tried to avoid reaching out first as much as possible. He didn't want to disturb James, to disrupt the delicate balance of friendship that had formed between them through years of casual companionship. One wrong move could tip the scales, ending in James shutting him out forever, and that was his worst-case scenario. 

Jeans jabbed Duean with his elbow, giving him a pointed look. It was only then that Duean turned to Koh with a sheepish smile. “Sorry, I forgot.”

“It's cool.” Koh sighed, returning his gaze to the television, which he wasn't actually paying attention to. He just wanted to move on from this topic of conversation, and if zoning out while watching the colors move across the screen accomplished that, then so be it.

“But seriously, you've never thought about moving on and finding someone else?”

Sadly, Duean wasn't finished probing him about this. It made sense for him to be curious, given he'd only integrated into the friend group a year ago, when he'd been paired with Jeans and Koh for a group project. 

Koh was in his third year of university, but he didn't have enough credits to consider himself an actual junior. He wasn't able to take full-time classes, since he was busy working whatever odd jobs he could find. 

He'd reached a compromise with his parents. They allowed him to visit home as much as he wanted and stay there for school breaks, as long as he sent money home every week. 

He'd have to spend an extra year or two in school to make up for the time he lost by working, which made him feel like a loser. But what else could he do? At least he was improving himself to give his family a better life. Once he landed himself a professional job in the engineering field, he'd be able to take care of his brothers even more than he was now. 

Maybe his parents would even be proud of him then.

He wasn't holding out hope for that, though. 

It was just his luck that his two best friends were a mated pair, and he was now sharing an apartment with them. He adored Jeans and Ben, but he was constantly a third wheel in his own home. Not to mention when Matt and Mick came over, such as now, turning him into a fifth wheel. And no car needs five wheels. 

His one consolation was that Duean hadn't brought his soulmate. But even then, he was obviously conversing with Meen in his head every few minutes. 

Koh couldn't be mad at his friends for exhibiting normal soulmate behavior, but being surrounded by bonded pairs who would never understand his deep and painful longing was exhausting. At least, Mick was too absorbed in his mobile game to pay him much attention. That was one less set of prying eyes on Koh. 

Alas, he didn't really want to talk about his soulmate issues right now, or ever. It was a sore subject, and it always would be. 

Before Koh could express his wish to move on from this discussion (unlike his stubborn refusal to move on from James), Matt was speaking in his stead. 

“Don't even try to convince him to get over James. We've been telling him that for years, he won't listen.”

That wasn't exactly the interruption he was hoping for. Instead of being relieved that he wouldn't have to explain his feelings, he felt the knife twist harder in his gut, salt being rubbed into his wounds. Not only was his deepest pain dragged to the surface, pushing against his skin and threatening to burst out, but now James' name was echoing around in his head.  

“Shut up, both of you. You're annoying as fuck.” Jeans knew him better than anyone else in the room, which was why he took it upon himself to put a stop to the conversation before it really upset Koh. Graciously, he disguised it as a light-hearted gripe, to save Koh the embarrassment of admitting that such a small thing could hurt his feelings. 

Koh stood up from the couch, dusting his pants off, mostly so he could wipe his suddenly sweaty palms dry without arousing suspicion. “Alright, guys. This friend-zoned loser has got to go.”

He didn't know how convincing his sarcastic tone was, but it was easier to conceal his pain with jokes than admit that talking about James felt like reaching into his abdomen and pulling his intestines out, stringing them up on the wall for all to see. Exposing the deepest, most sacred parts of himself; his blood that was rushing to his face, his brain which James had left irreversible imprints on, his heart which still beat for James despite the stinging welts covering its surface. 

“Is it the show? We can change the channel.” Jeans offered, always quick to run to his defense. 

As much as Koh detested the plot of the drama, that wasn't the reason he was leaving. “I've got a long drive, I don't want to get home too late.”

“You’re not leaving without a hug.”

Jeans rushed over to wrap his arms around him and Koh quickly became embarrassed. Because he could feel everyone's eyes on them (minus Mick's) and it was making his skin crawl, the way he could feel pity oozing out of them in droves. Like he was some tiny, wounded creature who needed to be coddled because his soulmate didn't want him. Or a bomb that was one wrong move away from exploding and needed to be tiptoed around, walking on eggshells to avoid setting him off. 

And well, maybe that description wasn't far off from reality. Because when Jeans whispered, “It's going to be okay,” he felt an undeniable sense of relief. He really needed to hear that. Even such a simple phrase could cheer him up, just a bit. 

Koh wasn't hard to please, really. He returned the friendly embrace and even let out a soft sigh, memorizing the way Jeans’ arms felt around him. He had a feeling he wouldn't be getting another hug for quite a while, so he wanted to savor it. 

“Okay, see you in a few weeks.” Jeans resumed his normal volume as he pulled away from the prolonged hug. 

“Don't forget to call. If Jeans doesn't hear from you for one day, he starts freaking out,” Ben offered from the couch. 

Koh found himself smiling, despite his perpetual state of misery. At least he knew his friends had his back, especially Jeans, who had declared himself a mother hen of sorts, fretting over Koh because nobody else would. 

Jeans rounded on Ben with narrowed eyes, but Koh could still see the love reflected in them. “You're exaggerating.”

“I'm really not. I hear all of your thoughts, remember?”

That reminder of their soulbond was enough to have Koh booking it for the front door before he could hear more. 

As much as his siblings had relied on him while growing up, Koh relied on them even more. They gave him a sense of purpose, a reason to get up in the morning and brave the day. They served as his motivation for getting his life together.

He refused to admit that they were mostly grown now, no longer needing him to tie their shoes and brush their hair and pack their lunches. 

That was why he hated the trek to his childhood home, a sluggish four-hour drive that always had him wondering if he would come out the other side alive. But Win was his youngest, and the only one who still lived there. He couldn't allow Win to suffer alone in that empty house. So he made damn sure to take that drive as many times as he could, even if it killed him. 

Koh thanked his lucky stars that Nay went to the same University as him. Hardly a day went by that he didn't get to see Nay's face and hear his chipper voice. 

Nowadays, Nay was always accompanied by Sean, his soulmate. That's right, even his clingiest brother was growing up fast and had already developed a lasting bond with his soulmate before Koh did. 

Not that Koh held any resentment about that. He was happy, really, because Sean was a decent man. He had a good head on his shoulders, his heart was always in the right place, and Koh could tell he adored Nay from the way he looked at him. 

Nay deserved a partner like that, someone who would set the entire universe at his feet and do all of his bidding. It was the least he deserved, for putting so many good vibes out into the world. Koh was protective by nature, and he wouldn't have let Sean set foot around Nay if he wasn't certain that he would treat his brother well. 

There was no real helping it, anyway. They'd been inseparable ever since they met two years ago. It was similar to how Q never went anywhere without Toey latched onto his side. 

He always welcomed Sean into his apartment with open arms. His aversion to soulmates didn't apply to his brothers’ other halves. He'd be damned if he acted anything like his parents and made his brothers’ soulmates feel unwelcomed. They were family, and he'd treat them as such. 

It was no coincidence, of course, that Nay ended up attending the same university as him. He knew Nay wanted to be close to him. He was always a clingy baby, crying when he wasn't safely tucked away in Koh's arms. He hadn't cracked that clinginess into his toddler years, or even his teenage years. And now, being in college, he was no different. 

Sure, he no longer cried when he went five minutes without Koh holding him. But he was never shy about showing up to Koh's apartment, greeting him with a hug so tight that Koh feared he may be squeezed to death, then walking in like he owned the place. 

Which was fair enough, because anything that belonged to him, also belonged to his brothers by default. He was just grateful that at least one of his brothers was happy to show how much Koh was still needed, whereas the other two seemed so eager to grow up and be independent. 

Oh well, Koh didn't care what they wanted. They were Koh's babies, even when they were all old and grey. So he would suck it up and make those long drives even if it killed him. 

Which brought him to where he was at that moment, walking over the threshold of his family home, rolling a suitcase in behind him. “Hello?”

There was no answer. He furrowed his eyebrows, closing the door behind him and walking further into the house. Win probably had his headphones on or something, so he couldn't hear him. 

But when he opened the door to Win's room, it was strikingly empty. Not only was Win nowhere to be seen, but his prized guitar was missing too. 

Win had improved his guitar skills vastly over the years. He could now hold a tune quite well, and he'd even joined a band with his high school friends. Koh drove out to see them perform as frequently as he possibly could, playing the part of the supportive parent he never had. 

But Win didn't have any concerts scheduled, so he should be here. Confused, he pulled out his phone to contact his youngest brother.

As it turned out, Win was away at band camp. That was news to Koh, because Win hadn't bothered to tell him about it. Which stung a little, to be honest, because Win knew he'd be coming home that day. 

Not that he expected Win to put his plans on hold just to see his older brother, whom he happened to see every other weekend anyway, but a warning would've been nice. The last thing Koh wanted was to show up to an empty house, which was of course what ended up happening.

It didn't help that Nay didn't tag along, as he usually would. Nay's presence was the only thing that kept him sane on those hours-long drives. He would play music, happy and relaxing songs, and sing along in a way that was impossible not to smile about. He always marveled at how Nay was able to be so cheery all the time, as if seeing life through a rose-tinted lens. 

And of course, wherever Nay went, Sean followed. It was impossible to separate them, they were attached at the hip. He was used to having those two filling up the seats in his car, so the drive down felt dreadfully lonely this time. 

Because Nay had decided to spend the first few weeks of summer break at Sean's family home. Sean made the trek to Nay’s childhood house so often that it was only fair for him to return the favor. Nay would do anything for Sean, that much was certain.

Win was no better. Koh knew for a fact that the main reason he agreed to go to a tacky band camp in the first place was because Sound would be there. And of course, there was Q, who'd been with Toey for the longest time. They may as well be married by now. 

His brothers were blessed in the fact that they met their soulmates very soon after hearing their voices. As such, they were all entirely whipped for their partners. 

Then there was Koh, who'd spent the last three years being friend-zoned by his soulmate. And now he was spending the first day of his summer break alone in his childhood home. 

Maybe wallowing in self-pity in his old room, which hadn't changed a bit since Koh left, wasn't the most exhilarating break. But Koh was tired. On top of spending the entire school year studying, he worked his ass off to afford his expenses and send money back to his family, all while spending most of his free time checking on his younger brothers.

Sure, two of them weren't so little anymore, with Q already being twenty (which still blew his mind, because he could remember so vividly when Q was a big-headed toddler running into the table every chance he got) and Nay turning eighteen soon (which, again, had Koh feeling like an old hag, because he recalled helping Nay take his first steps, despite being a child himself at the time).

The only one who could still be classified as little was Win, and even that was a stretch, seeing as he was almost sixteen. Koh didn't even want to think about it, he was definitely going to cry when Win's next birthday rolled around.

They were all growing up so fast, leaving Koh behind along with the younger versions of themselves that had once needed him to survive. 

Koh still made it a point to visit his brothers as much as he could, spending his weekends either in his childhood home with Win or at Q and Toey's apartment, which was a two-hour drive away from Koh's campus. That may not seem that long to most people, but there were few things Koh hated more than driving for long stretches of time.

Luckily, Nay was always happy to come with him. He was like a little puppy who followed Koh everywhere he went. And he brought along another puppy in the form of Sean, giving Koh two adorable companions. 

Of his three brothers, Nay was the only one who never really had an angsty teenage phase. Who knew where Nay got his emotional intelligence from, because it certainly wasn’t from him or their parents.

Win may be the only one who still lived at home, but they were all his pride and joys. So he made time for all of them, despite having to flip-flop around locations. 

So yeah, sue Koh for being exhausted out of his mind from all the running around he did.  

The stillness that had fallen over the house was maddening. Just a few years ago, it never would've been this quiet. Filled with five young boys, you'd be lucky to catch a moment of peace without someone yelling or making some other ruckus.  

It was sad, how dull and lifeless this place seemed now. It reminded Koh of how he felt on the inside, cold and useless. The house was as empty as his heart was. 

He had to do something, anything to fill the suffocating silence. Because the quiet allowed way too much space for his thoughts to run wild inside his head.

He'd spent his childhood and teenage years taking care of his family rather than developing his own sense of self, which was why he was so keen to bother his brothers any chance he got. His life revolved around them. It made sense that someone like him wasn't worthy of having a true soulmate, because he could hardly even be called a person of his own. 

That voice that sometimes spoke into his head was silent now, just like the empty house he was in. Koh desperately needed something to get his mind off his loneliness born from his brothers no longer needing him and his soulmate being who-knows-where, unconcerned with Koh's whereabouts.

Nobody was thinking about him in that moment, he was sure of it. But all he could do was think about other people. At all hours of the day, he was wondering how his brothers were doing, if James was okay, if Jeans and Ben were enjoying their time together.

He had a hunch that he didn't pop into anyone's mind as much as they popped into his. 

His vulnerability got the better of him, and in his desperate search for anything to put a stop to the scorching silence, he reached out to his soulbond, grasping onto it with his mind and refusing to let it go. 

Are you still alive?

He dared to send the singular question over. Surely, such a simple inquiry wouldn’t be enough to add to James’ stress levels. He just desperately wanted to hear the warm tones of James’ voice, to be surrounded by his pretty inflections. Just like he was all those years ago, when nothing mattered but their divine connection and the addictive quality of James’ shyness.

It took a moment to receive a response, their connection coming alive with an almost audible crackle. 

Yes, unfortunately. 

He let out an sigh of relief that he was sure James heard. 

I think it's fortunate.

A soft snort came from James, luckily filled with amusement instead of annoyance.

I'm glad you're alive, too. Sorry for the silence, I've been so busy lately. 

Koh felt pretty pathetic, that a simple “glad you’re alive” was enough to make his heart speed up in his chest. You’d think three years of being in the friend-zone would temper some of those reactions, but it didn’t. He still felt himself hanging off of James’ every word, especially when Koh hadn’t heard from him in a while. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that.

I understand. Any chance you could tell me what's got you so busy?

Koh could sense his hesitation to answer, and he'd never get used to the way his insides froze in dread every time James pushed him away. He’d come to expect it, because James’ friendship only extended to a certain level, and allowing Koh into the secrets of his sequestered world wasn’t included in the subscription. 

It's just family responsibilities, the usual.

Gotcha. I’m here if you want to talk about it.

Thank you, Koh. I truly appreciate it. I have to go now, I have a meeting.

There it was again, those dreaded meetings that Koh still didn’t know the first thing about. They hadn’t lessened, even as the years went by. He wasn’t allowed to inquire any further about the purposes behind those secretive conferences. 

It didn’t feel fair that James knew so much about him while he knew hardly anything about James, but there was nothing he could do about it. Attempting to pry information out of him would only upset him, and Koh never wanted to do that. This was his bed, and he had to lay in it, whether it was made of rose petals or old nails. 

He tended to believe it was the latter. Because his insecurities always knew exactly how to dig into his skin, spreading seeds of doubt all throughout his body, just like an infection caused by a rusty nail. A contamination that swallowed up every inch of his being, leaving behind nothing but dust and self-loathing. 

Alright. Hear you later. 

The first time Koh said that, James had been amused. But now, he’d heard the same line so many times that it no longer impressed him. The soulbond went quiet just as quickly as it revived, signaling the end of the conversation. 

Well, he'd exhausted that line of communication for the time being. He needed something else to break up the stillness of the house.

His mind flashed to his gaming console, which he'd brought over from his apartment in case Win wanted to play. He dug it out of his suitcase, hooking it up and powering it on. 

He got into the groove of playing the first-person, team-based shooting game Jeans had shown him years ago. He was pretty good at it now, he'd had plenty of practice with Jeans and Ben in their apartment.

This is so fucking stupid.

Surprisingly, James’ voice piped up in his head, so soon after their discussion had ended. He didn’t expect to hear from him again for the rest of the night. It was a pleasant interruption, despite the vitriol in his words.

He couldn't help but agree with James, who had no idea what Koh was going through at the moment. Still, the sentiment rang true to his predicament. He was supposed to be taking Win out for ice cream, not sitting in this creaky old house all alone. 

What's stupid?

He multitasked, fishing for information from his ever-elusive soulmate as he shot at the opposing team. He’d be lying if he said hearing James’ voice again didn’t fill him with excitement, but he was trying to be cool about it. 

Oh, nothing. I'm just thinking about an event my parents are forcing me to attend. 

What kind of event?

A charity event filled with stuffy, old people in suits. You'd hate it.

Koh offered a good-natured scoff, happy to fall into this comfortable, friendly banter. It was the most he could get out of James, and he’d always enjoy it to the fullest. 

Yeah, sounds like the worst.

It is, trust me. If I could, I’d slip away and never come back.

Some of Koh’s brain was focused on not dying in the game, which was the only possible explanation for why he slipped up and asked something he shouldn’t. 

Why can’t you?

It was quiet for a few moments, as James seemed to be considering his words carefully. Koh regretted the inquiry as soon as it came out; he already knew that James felt trapped under his parents’ rules. It was a stupid question that would only dig into James’ wounds.

No wonder James didn’t jump at the chance to engage him in conversation. James would be well within his rights to end the discussion there and not talk to Koh for several days as punishment for his transgression.

I have responsibilities that I can’t leave behind. Anyway, I have to go. I’m supposed to be paying attention, but someone distracted me.

That was a very neutral answer that didn’t explain much, but Koh was just glad that James wasn’t upset with him.  

Hey, you reached out to me first!

Koh delighted in the little amused sound James made, and he wondered if James would be caught making noises in his supposedly super secret meeting. The thought of him risking facing a scolding just to make his mirth clear to Koh was riveting. 

I promise I’ll speak to you tomorrow. 

That little pledge was enough to have Koh wishing he had a time skipping device that would transport him to the next day. Because the second James’ voice disappeared, he already missed him. 

He absorbed himself fully in his game, playing it for hours, until the sky went dark. It served as a suitable distraction, tugging him out of reality for a small pocket of time. Because when he was engaged in the fictional universe encased within the confines of the game, he was no longer a soulmateless loser with no interesting qualities. He was the main character, the hero with a huge machine gun that took out the bad guys.

Not that there were really any villains in the game. The opposing team was simply made up of other players, a neutral status. But being pitted against them made Koh feel like he was the awe-inspiring hero and they were the ill-intentioned wrongdoers that he was bringing to justice. He was cleaning up the imaginary streets, one criminal at a time.

In this particular match, his team was ahead by a lot, and victory was in sight. That is, until someone from his side accidentally set off a bomb, killing his entire squad.

Oh well. You win some, you lose some. It was no skin off Koh’s back, he’d simply boot up another match and try again. 

Just as he was about to exit the lineup, a message from one of his teammates lit up the chat box, aimed towards the person who’d cost them the match.

“Hey asshole, you suck at this game. Delete your account.”

Koh gaped at his screen, hardly believing his eyes. Where is the decorum? Some nerve this guy had. Strangers on the internet really say whatever they want behind their anonymous profiles, when there was no risk of meaningful retaliation. 

This poor person had simply made a mistake. Who knew what they had going on in their life? Maybe they were having the worst day ever and hopped on the game for a momentary reprieve from their miserable existence. 

Many people played games for escapism, to forget about their daily struggles and absorb themselves into an alternate reality where their pain and suffering had no bearing on them, at least as long as the game was going.

Koh totally wasn’t projecting with that sentiment. It was just that, he knew if anyone were to insult his gaming skills when he was already down in the dumps, it would only make him feel worse. He’d be pushed even further, sliding down that slippery slope leading to rock bottom, and he didn’t want anyone else to experience that.

He found himself rising to this stranger's defense. 

“Shut the hell up, it's just a game. Stop insulting people from your mother's basement.”

The team disbanded before the aggressor could reply, leaving Koh as the one who got the last word in. He felt satisfied that, even if he was useless at everything else, he could protect an internet stranger from someone who took gaming way too seriously. Maybe his words could mean the difference between someone continuing to play their favorite game and quitting for fear of being attacked by toxic gamers.

He was just about to start another match when a new notification popped up on his screen. It was a friend request from the person Koh had defended, Moon. He only remembered the gamertag because he’d thought it was a pretty cool name.

He accepted the request, thinking nothing of it. He mostly played with Jeans and Ben, allowing the rest of the team to be filled with random players, so his friends list was quite deserted. But there was no harm in gaining an ally.

He wasn't expecting to receive an actual message from them.

“I'm sorry about that, I didn't mean to throw the match. I've just got a lot on my mind.” 

Koh always did have a soft spot for… well, anyone who showed even an ounce of weakness. Mostly because he had millions of weaknesses that were constantly being poked and prodded at, so he understood what it was like to feel like the world was out to get you. 

“Hey, don't worry about that guy. People like that suck the fun out of gaming. You could kill me a million times and I wouldn't even curse at you.”

He didn't know why he was compelled to type such a long message. First of all, typing on this controller was a nightmare, his fingers were already cramping up thanks to having to navigate the clunky keyboard on the screen. And the sound of the buttons being pressed was mildly annoying. But he supposed it was better than the stark silence he'd be facing otherwise. 

Besides, he was starved for company. At this point, he would talk to a sentient toaster if one appeared in front of him.

“That’s sweet, I think. Although I'd rather not kill you, in real life or in a video game.”

This person seemed nice. They definitely didn’t deserve to be cursed at for a mistake caused by a wandering mind. It could happen to anyone, Koh had made the right decision in jumping to their defense.

For some unknown reason, he found himself smiling when he responded.

“It's okay. We'll get ‘em next time.”

Over the next few months, Koh logged onto the game nearly every night with the express purpose of playing with Moon. Although, at some point, these sessions shifted away from gaming and more towards spending hours having conversations through the game’s chat box.

It made Koh’s fingers hurt, typing on that stupid controller for so long, but he endured. Because Moon was really fun to talk to, and he was happy to find some company. Moon had shown up right when Koh needed him the most. 

Luckily, it didn’t take too long for Moon to hand over his phone number. Internet safety be damned, they needed a way to talk that didn’t leave them with aching fingers the next morning. Besides, it was much more efficient to type on a phone. And it meant they could talk during the day as well, instead of just at night. 

Sometimes, Moon would take a while to respond. But Koh was safe in the knowledge that he’d return before too long to resume whatever conversation they were having before. They talked about anything and everything, ranging from new game modes to hobbies (Koh didn’t have much to say about that topic, but Moon liked painting and writing poetry), and even personal issues. 

On one quiet night, He'd confided in Moon about how lost he was in life. Not only were his brothers quickly growing up and no longer needed him, but they’d all met their soulmates. They had other attachments to fall back on, unbreakable soulmate bonds forged through mutual care and affection.

Koh would never experience that type of love and security, for his other half had firmly rejected him.

“I’m so sorry, Cloud. Anyone who would reject you is a massive idiot.”

That was Moon’s response when he’d spilled his guts about his soulmate not wanting to fulfill their cosmic destiny. It made Koh smile, only because Moon wasn’t usually quick to insults. He was respectful, a joy to talk to, someone who could brighten his days with even a short discussion.

But he’d resorted to name-calling at the first sign of someone hurting Koh. Was he crazy to be a little flattered about that?

Surprisingly, Koh didn’t find himself becoming sick at the idea of someone insulting his soulmate. He didn’t agree with the statement, though. James was no idiot and Koh made sure to deny the assertion with a polite, “Now, now, let’s not say that. He has his reasons, I’m not mad at him.”

“Then, I’ll be mad enough for the both of us.” 

Again, Koh didn’t agree with the sentiment behind blaming James for the misgivings of his unfortunate existence. But it was impossible for him to have a negative reaction to anything Moon said. His presence was simply too warm, cheering him up with nothing more than words on a screen.

Before he could further defend James, he’d been sent another message. 

“About your brothers, I think they appreciate everything you’ve done for them. Them being more independent is a good thing, right? It means you raised them with a strong foundation that gave them the confidence to live their own lives.”

Moon always had a way of phrasing things that altered Koh’s perspective. He found himself nodding along to the words, as if Moon could see him. He was right, the only reason his brothers were able to be so independent was because Koh put his best foot forward in raising them, in ensuring they wouldn’t feel like the abandoned child that he was. 

“Thanks, Moon. Could I hire you to be my therapist? I think you have a bright future in psychological medicine.”

“I appreciate that. But I’m afraid my future is anything but bright.”

In response to Koh's information dump, Moon jumped in to share something about himself next. He probably didn't want Koh to feel awkward and embarrassed about exposing too much of his feelings. Moon was thoughtful like that.

That was how he learned that Moon was a prince.

“Wait, I’m seriously speaking to royalty? Should I be addressing you as something special, Prince Moon?”

“Let’s just stick with Moon. I really don’t like being a prince. It’s nothing like how it's shown in fiction, you know?”

Koh was flabbergasted. Living a life of luxury as a rich prince was something people like him could only dream of. And yet, Moon wished to cast it away like it meant nothing, a hindrance to his life instead of a benefit. 

“Then what is it like?”

“You know how princesses in fairy tales are stuck in the high towers? Yeah, it’s like that.”

He tried to imagine Moon leaning his head out of a ridiculously high window, looking down at the ground that was way too far down to reach. It was difficult, because he didn't know what Moon looked like. He was a faceless figure in Koh's mind, nothing more than a vague image of a man. 

“You just said it wasn’t like fiction, then named a storybook reference.”

“You caught me. Then, I guess my life is like a storybook. Except, there’s no prince who will come rescue me from the tower. I’m just stuck here.”

The image in his head transformed. Moon was no longer alone, for a savior had appeared in front of the castle, in the form of Koh. He was riding on a horse and carrying a grand sword, decked out in armor, the whole getup.

He was a hero, just like in his beloved video game. 

“I could rescue you.”

“Cloud, let’s not delude ourselves. You don’t even know where I am.”

“Aw, come on. Don’t you want to meet a hero?”

“I’d love to. Do you know any?”

Moon joking around with him must mean he was becoming more comfortable with Koh. Which he was glad about, seeing as Moon had become a big part of his life in the last few months. 

They fit together just as well as their usernames did.

Ever since Koh had started playing video games, he’d adopted the moniker Cloud. 

Clouds were so free, soaring high up in the sky. Humans were cursed to live on the ground, except for those who were brave enough to use man-made machines to reach unimaginable heights. 

But so much effort and courage was needed for humans to achieve what clouds accomplished naturally. Koh found himself wishing he could float away on a cloud, escaping the harsh reality of humanity and living with the birds. 

Cloud-watching was always a cheap activity he could do with his brothers. Whenever they were getting stir-crazy, sitting at home with not much to do, Koh would lead them outside. They’d lay on the ground and spend an indiscernible amount of time pointing out crazy shapes in the clouds.

Koh never had the creativity to find his own shapes, he’d just lay back and allow the slowly-drifting clouds to fill him with serenity while looking at the shapes his brothers picked out. It had become a meaningful pastime, a tradition that they kept up from when Koh was in middle school until he’d left for college.

Some days, when Koh was feeling particularly homesick, he’d lay in the grass and make up shapes in the clouds all by himself. He’d find small, cute animals in the clouds, as Nay always did. He’d pick out paintbrushes and abstract paintings in Q’s honor, guitars and musical notes in Win’s stead. 

Still, there was nothing to represent him in the clouds. Because he was nothing on his own. He was merely a sum of all of his brothers, the caretaker who ensured their interests flourished as he was left with nothing to call his own.

He’d explained this when Moon asked about the origins of his gamertag, though not in as many words. 

“Clouds remind me of my brothers. It’s stupid, I know. I’ve just had this name for years, it’s too nostalgic for me to change it.”

“It isn’t stupid at all. My name is Moon because of my brother, too.”

Moon seemed like a kindred spirit. In fact, something about him was inexplicably familiar, in a way he couldn't put his finger on. He held a unique vibe, carried himself a certain way that felt very comfortable to Koh. 

Oh well, that wasn’t important. All that mattered was he’d found someone who didn't know him as Koh, the man who put on a brave face and never complained about the hand he was dealt. Moon only knew him as Cloud, who tried his best in everything he did and worked himself to the point of exhaustion to please others.

He could be his truest self with Moon, who wouldn’t push any expectations on him and wouldn't shut him out if he asked personal questions. He could tell Moon had grown a soft spot for him, and even acted a bit protective of him at times, quick to become agitated at the slightest mention of someone putting a damper on Koh's day. 

Which always made him flustered, blush sitting high on his cheeks as he stared at Moon's contact photo, a picture of the full moon that had become his solace. Moon was a safe space for him, someone he could always turn to when things got to be too much. He never made Koh feel like a burden, an unwanted bag of trash left at the curb for the garbage truck to pick up. 

Moon valued every second of his time and made him feel important, like he was worth something. Like his feelings mattered and he shouldn't ignore them just to avoid troubling others. Because maybe, just maybe, his emotions were worth causing a ruckus over. 

Maybe his luck was looking up after all.