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Salvation

Summary:

After finding out that he has a grown son, Tommo feels motivated to search for his biological parents.

Chapter Text

Everything had changed when Hans stepped into his life. He had always feared a day like this would come. Considering all those one-night-stands and debauchery he had filled his life with,  it had only been a matter of time until some offspring of his would resurface. However, when it finally did happen, Hans evoked something inside of him that he would have never expected. He was proud of his son. He wanted to make him proud. Hans was so much more than he could have ever imagined. He was handsome, tall, smart, and successful. And he was generous. Worst of all, he trusted his dad with his money. He didn't know him well enough yet to know what a terrible idea that was. 

Still, having Hans in his life now made him strive to be better as well. He wanted to be better. Truly. Desperately. Not in the sense that he would give up the debauchery, obviously. But he wanted to make the Rat and Cutter a success.

Worse, he wanted to uncover his own fucking fucked-up past. When Hans left to go back to Germany, he couldn't help but feel a sense of longing. He didn't even know where this desire to make Hans proud came from but it was there - even stronger now that his son had given him all that money. Never in his life had he felt this way before. Sure, he didn't want to let his friends down either but it was different with his son. He didn't want Hans to be ashamed of his dad.

It was this desire that brought him to the suburbs. 

“Why are we here exactly?” Vinnie asked as they stopped in front of the quaint house. Last time he had taken Ash and Cardi with him as backup. Fuck, he hated this place. He hated this quiet street, he hated the neighbor on the other side that was already looking out his fucking window to see who came to this fucking boring-ass neighborhood - one hand probably already holding his phone to call the cops in case of them being terrorists. He hated the white picket fences, the hedges, the garden gnomes, all of it. He felt claustrophobic just looking at the house he had grown up in.

“Because,” He cleared his throat. “Well, because I promised Hans that I would apologize to Leo and Margret.” 

“Look at you,” Vin said with a grin, one silver tooth glistening like a fucking vampire fang. His friend really was a fucking fashion disaster. He was bundled up in a thick puffer jacket, his vape between his lips. “I'm proud of you, mate.”

“Yeah, let's hope I don't regret that, eh?”

They got out of the car and approached the house, the same stupid windchime still in place. This suburban oasis was driving him insane even before he could step inside. How had he fucking spent so many fucking years in this hell with Leo and Margret? He remembered whole weekends sitting over some fucking puzzle or doing macramé with Margret or yard work with Leo. Of course, he could have had it much worse. He remembered bringing home his lads once after school and being mortified as Margret made him try on his new Boy Scouts uniform in front of his friends. Vinnie and the lads had been delighted - but that might have been because of the hot chocolate and biscuits they got alongside Tommo's humiliation.

He had gotten high that night sniffing glue and then scratched Leo’s car - which had gotten him a stern talking to and a look of disapproval for about two days. Leo and Margret were good fucking people and they had not been equipped to deal with someone like Tommo - at all. He was the gremlin that had been fed after midnight and then let loose in their house and still, they decided to pretend he was Gizmo. 

“Okay,” He said and cleared his throat. “Here goes nothing, I suppose.”

“It won't be so bad,” Vinnie huffed and clapped his shoulder, taking another drag from his vape and blowing the steam straight into Tommo’s face. “I mean it can't be nearly as bad as what went down with my mum.”

A year had passed since the attack, since O’Connor, since Vinnie found his mum and although the tall lug didn't talk about it much, it was clear to his friends that he thought about it more often than he cared to admit. Tommo nodded and then finally rang the doorbell. A part of him prayed to all Gods that they wouldn't be home. Fuck, who was he kidding? They were always fucking home!

A moment later the door was opened and he came face to face with Leo - well face to chest. He remembered meeting him for the first time, a lad, no older than four years old. One of his earliest childhood memories. He had been scared to death by Leo’s height and his mass as the man towered above him, getting right into little Tommo’s personal space. His face lit up as he saw Tommo. 

“Tommy!” He exclaimed in surprise and came straight into his personal space. Then he surprised Tommo as he actually dragged his foster son into a hug, lifting him off his feet before lowering him back down. Leo then turned his attention to Vinnie and gave his friend the same fucking treatment - though Vinnie seemed more receptive to it. Well, Vinnie was always up for a hug. He was a hugger, a cuddler. For some reason, his foster parents had always loved Vinnie. Well, despite all his tattoos and his weird clothes and hairstyles, Vinnie had this effect on people. 

“Come in, come in!” Leo ushered them inside. “It's freezing out, boys. Would you like a cup of tea, lads?”

“No, we-”

“That would be lovely, Mate,” Vinnie interrupted with a shit-eating grin. Bollocks. It was clear that Vinnie enjoyed this far too much. He would probably tell Hans all about this. It had come as no surprise to Tommo when Vinnie had spilled the beans on having Hans’ number saved in his phone.   He had pretty much adopted the lad like he had adopted all of them. Vinnie always embraced every new addition to their rag-tag family with open arms. The guy was a walking contradiction. He was the most extroverted introvert, the most social a-social person Tommo had ever met. He knew that Vinnie hated being around people and yet he was always around people. He desired the solitude of his woods and yet he always felt lonely. In a way, he could understand it. He was a showman himself, an entertainer but most of it was a facade. He hated these suburbian hellholes, yet he loved the tranquility of the woods by Vinnie’s shack. 

Soon they found themselves sitting on the cramped sofa in the living room. There was, as always, a bloody puzzle on the coffee table. So far only the edges had been finished but Tommo thought he could already make out some mountain imagery.

Nothing had changed, not since his last visit when Hans was here and certainly not since he left the house at nineteen. Everything still looked the same. Margret was delighted to see him again - and so soon, as she didn't get tired of reminding him. Vinnie enjoyed this all far too much as they were served their tea by Margret eventually. While he was enjoying his tea and biscuits, Tommo had to suffer through listening to them talk about the latest developments in the neighborhood.

Apparently, their neighbor next door had bought another new car. The scandal . And Janet from down the road had entered retirement. Good for her . Irene, however, who lived two doors down, had brought a cake from Marks and Spencers to the church bazaar instead of baking it herself. Outrageous! Vinnie gave the usual comments to every new story and Tommo’s foster parents still had no idea that he was taking the piss. 

“Okay,” Tommo eventually broke his silence and interrupted Margret’s flood of words. “If I have to listen to one more of those fucking pointless stories I end up blowing my brains out all over this lovely wallpaper, I’d like to cut to the chase.”

“What do you mean, Tommy?” Leo asked but was still not deterred by his foster son’s way of talking. Normal people would have been offended but they still smiled at him as if he was God’s greatest gift to them. They had given up a long time ago to discipline him and rather accepted the fact that they would be living in blissful ignorance of Tommo’s way of life. Gizmo. Not a murderous fucking freak of nature.

“You guys remember Hans, I assume,” He said.

“Our grandson?” Margret laughed. “Of course! Oh, he is such a sweet boy. We talk on the phone every Sunday.” Of course, they did. “He promised to visit again in a few months when he can take a break from university.”

Typical. “Yes, him,” He sighed. “Well, when he left I had to promise him something. So, here I am now. Best to get it over with, I guess.” He said and sniffed, wiping his nose. God he itched for something to take the edge off! He had promised Hans, though, that he would start to control his drug habit. Suddenly, he felt terribly nervous. “Okay, here goes nothing, I guess. I came to apologize to you guys.”

They seemed surprised to hear these words but at least they had the decency not to look confused as if they didn't know what he was talking about. Oh, they fucking bloody well knew what he was talking about. No, that wasn’t the problem. The problem was to narrow it down to what he was apologizing for, he assumed. He had done a crap load of shit to them over the years.

“Oh, Tommy-” Margret began but he quickly made her stop.

“No, if I don't get it out now, I might never be able to. I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve put you guys through when all you wanted to do was … Well, I guess, love and protect me and raise me and give me all the opportunities in the world to become a decent human being, eh? Not that this worked out quite so well, I guess. Listen, it's not your guys’ fault that I turned out like this. It's just who I am and I’m done apologizing for who I am. So, either you accept that, or you don't.”

“Dude,” Vinnie sighed. “I think you really need to practice apologizing more often.”

But Margret and Leo seemed quite moved by his words. Vinnie was right, it was a fucking crap apology but they swallowed it hook, line, and sinker. Bless them.

Margret even had tears in her eyes. “Oh, Tommy,” She sighed and reached out to clasp his hand from where she sat next to him on an armchair. Her hands were soft and warm and gentle. “You don't know how much this means to us, Love.”

Yeah, and wasn’t that just pathetically sad? He had not even properly apologized and still Margret was all too willing to turn a blind eye to his flaws and indiscretions once again. Perhaps stricter parents would have been good for him. Then again, they had been strict. So many fucking rules, so many boundaries! It had been suffocating! Still, they had never been good at actually punishing him. He felt terribly fucking uncomfortable. He was suffocating once more. All he could think about was that he just wanted to get out of this claustrophobic fucking box. 

There was something else on his mind though and he didn't think he could just fucking ask it. Margret wouldn't understand - or worse, she would understand it and make him talk about it. Maybe she would even want to help him in his endeavor. The idea alone made him sick.

He slapped his thighs and got up from his seat on the cramped couch. “Well, that was all very fucking lovely but I need a piss.”

He escaped the room before anyone could stop him. He quickly snuck up the stairs and dashed into Leo and Margaret's bedroom. He knew that Margret kept his documents in her dresser. He had found it at age fourteen by accident when he had been looking for something he could steal and sell for a bit of ket or coke. Anything really to make life a little more exciting and escape this dull box.

Even the bedroom still looked exactly the same as back in the day. The same ugly flowery wallpaper, the same old-fashioned, heavy pieces of furniture. He quickly hurried over to the dresser by the window and opened the first drawer. And, just like back then, the documents were right there in a steel box - unlocked - between her knickers. He quickly opened the box and rifled through the paper inside until he found what he came looking for. He folded the papers, shoved them in the back pocket of his jeans, and made sure everything looked like it did before he snuck back out of the room again. Margret would never notice anyway. She wasn’t very perceptive,  to begin with.

When he came back downstairs, Vinnie was actively engaging in helping Margret and Leo with the puzzle. Bless him and his heart of gold. “Well, that was all quite lovely,” He said as he entered the room with his usual flourish. Not that his foster parents had ever appreciated his swagger. “But Vincent and I have other matters that need attending to. So I must bid you adieu .”

“Already?” Margret asked. She looked honestly sad that he was leaving. “Well, but you have to visit soon again, Darling, promise me.”

A promise was what got him into this situation in the first place. He was hesitant to make promises. It never seemed to end well for him when he made promises. Despite his reputation, he didn't like letting people down. “I’m not a man of promises,” He replied.

“He promises,” Vinnie cut him off before he could say anything more. “He would love to visit more but as a business man it's not easy for him to find the time as often as he would love to.”

With his foster parents thus appeased, Vinnie and he were able to leave the house at last. The moment they sat in the car, Vinnie turned to him again, his vape already between his lips. “What did you nick?” He asked, letting out a cloud of smoke as he spoke. Fuck, the bastard knew him too fucking well, didn't he?

“I am wounded, Vincent,” He said, placing one hand on his heart in mock outrage as he fumbled for a cigarette. “Why would you ever ask such an outrageous thing? Me! Stealing from my lovely foster parents! I would never!”

“So?” Vinnie asked with a raised brow and a mischievous grin and turned on the engine. He looked like a fucking imp, already intrigued by the mystery of Tommo’s theft. 

“Just the paperwork they had of me,” He huffed. “You know, birth certificate, foster agreements, and such.”

“Why?”

Well, there it was, huh? He knew that Vinnie already knew the answer to that. He remembered their talks vividly after the attack - after Vinnie had found his mum. Those thoughts had never quite left Tommo ever since and now that he had a son of his own… “I want to start looking for my parents.”

“Really?” Vin asked surprised. There was something else in his tone, though. Fear, perhaps? Worry? Maybe he was scared that it would end for Tommo as it had ended for Vinnie. “Wow, Dude. That's a big step, isn't it? Why the change of mind?”

“Hans,” He said after a while as the suburbs and the streets he grew up in were flying past the car windows. “The kid deserves to know who his grandparents are, doesn't he? And … well, what can I say? Finding out I have a son made me … I don't know, I want to get closure on my past, I guess. Find out if they are still alive, if they … I don't know, got better or if they are still the same miserable assholes they were when they had me.” He knew that he was playing with fire, he knew that he was taking a risk here. He had lived all his life barely thinking about the people that got him into this world but now that the thoughts had made a home for themselves in his brain, he couldn't get rid of them. He knew that he might be hurt and disappointed but he had always been a man willing to take his chances.

“Well, if you need any moral support,” Vinne replied with a smile. “I’m here for you, dude.”

“Listen, you don't have to. I mean you have enough on your mind…”

“You were there for me when I found my mum,” Vinnie said resolutely. “And during this whole business with O'Connor. Of course, I'm at your side with this. And the others would be as well if you let them.”

He couldn't deny that he felt fucking warm and fuzzy inside. He had expected nothing less from Vinnie but it still touched him that his friend wanted to repay him like this. And, even more embarrassing, he was fucking relieved to hear that. Knowing that Vinnie would have his back gave him the confidence he needed. For some reason, despite being a fucking chaotic disaster himself, Vinnie always seemed to know how to fix everything. He remembered that fucking Murder Mystery event and that, the whole time after he thought he had killed Mr King, he only wanted to tell Vinnie and for Vinnie to make it all okay again.

※※※※※※※

They all sat together in the pub as Tommo pulled out the documents and unfolded them on the table, clearing his throat and fighting for control over his nervous emotions. Vinnie could tell how anxious he was. He tried to play it down with his usual bravado but he could tell that he was nervous. He was touching his face more often when he was nervous.

He smoothed the wrinkled papers out to buy himself some time. “So these are the documents your foster parents had?” JJ asked to get the ball rolling, probably already thinking about their next steps.

“Yeah,” Tommo said. “Birth certificate, correspondence with the Youth Welfare Office, and all that.”

As it became obvious that he was stalling and still not actually looking at the paperwork, Vinnie pulled it over the table. Out of all of them, he could understand Tommo the best, he thought. Sometimes all you need is a little push.

He quickly rifled through the documents until he found Tommo’s birth certificate. “So, I'm happy to announce that you are, in fact, a boy,” Vinnie joked as he poured through the document. “Thomas Shaftner, Mother: Catherine Shaftner. Father: Michael J. Shaftner. Date of Birth November 17th 1990, making you a Scorpio - which would explain your perverted nature. But we already knew that.”

Tommo looked at him with eyes like saucers. “Catherine and Michael, eh?” He muttered. “Don't know but I always kinda thought they had names like … Mandy and Kevin or something like that. You know? Asshole names. Candy and … Jason.”

“Gina and Rex!”, Cardi offered and Tommo snapped his fingers at the lad. 

“Exactly,” He said. “Cardi gets it. They sound so normal . Not at all like people who would break their baby's bones…”

He tried a lopsided smile but Vinnie could tell how much it pained him to speak about it. They all knew about it, of course. They knew each other for far too long to not know. It was something different to address it, though. “Well, now you know their names, do you? And you know where you were born and that is the Beardwood Hospital in Blackburn.”

“Blackburn?” Tommo called. “Fucking Blackburn?”

“Well, it's not worse than Hawley, is it?” Ash asked. “And it's only, what? 10 miles away, eh?”

Tommo gulped as the realization struck him that Ash was right. Ten miles. That was fucking nothing. Vinnie knew what that felt like. Of course, they didn't know if Tommo’s parents still lived there but regardless, it was a start.

“Blackburn,” Tommo whispered. “Fuck me.”

Vinnie reached over the table and squeezed Tommo's shoulder reassuringly. He had promised his friend that he would be by his side every step of the way and he would stick to that promise. He would repay Tommo his kindness tenfold if his friend would allow him to. “I think I have an idea how to find them - or rather if they are still in Blackburn.”

“What? How?” Cardi asked.

“Virgil.”

“The wizard?” Tommo had the audacity to sound scandalized. Even at school, Tommo had always made fun of poor Virgil. He was a nice bloke, though. Wizard or not. 

“Yeah, the fucking bloody wizard, Thomas! Or do you know any other hacker who could hack into city hall or something to find the records of your family?”

“Well, if you put it like that,” Tommo muttered under his breath. “But I would appreciate it if the search for my family wouldn't depend on some cosplaying virgin we used to make fun of in school.”

“Beggars can't be choosers, Thomas,” JJ smiled, enjoying this all way too much.

“And I m-mean, there were plenty of people who made fun of a-all of us in school.”

And wasn't that the truth? They had never been cool. No, they were the group of losers who grew up to become even bigger losers. Their paths in life had been laid out in front of them even as children and everyone, including the teachers and other pupils, had been able to see it. With the exception of Tommo and Dylan, they had all dressed weirdly, worn hand-me-downs, and had had weird haircuts. And they had all gotten their labels. Tommo was the midget, JJ the nerd. Cardi was called stupid because of his stutter, Ash had been made fun of for his heritage. And Vinnie? Well, he was the ugly little freak - the troublemaker. The only odd one out was Dylan. Dylan was just guilty by association. He was the only one who might have done something with his life.

“Well?” He asked. “Shall I ask Virgil or not, you Knobhead?”

“Yeah,” Tommo said and leaned back in his chair. “Yeah, why not? Of course, do it. Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool.” He wiped his face and then downed his beer. “Well, Gentlemen, unlike you lot, I have work to do. I’d better get going now.”

Nobody tried to stop Tommo as he got up and left, leaving the paperwork with Vinnie. Ever since he had taken the Rat and Cutter back with Hans’ help, he was much more serious about the business, even though he was still struggling to keep it afloat.  Vinnie couldn't deny that he liked this change in Tommo since he became a dad. Even though it was still weird to think of Tommo as a father. He wanted to make his son proud and that was all that mattered right now. He was quite proud of Tommo. Maybe he would still get to see the day when his friend would settle down, even though that was one more friend than leaving him in the dust.

※※※※※※※

He was scared, alright? He was fucking nervous . He was anxious. He couldn't sleep. He was shitting himself - figuratively speaking. Of course, only because Vinnie went to Virgil with the information he now had that still didn't have to mean anything. They were probably dead, a bitter part of his mind thought. Overdosed or something else. Or maybe they were in jail. Chances that he would actually meet his parents were slim to none.

He still felt anxious about the possibility that he might just meet them regardless. For about two days he didn't hear anything about the topic anymore. It was as Vinnie called him for a small get-together at the shack, that he first heard any news. Even before he reached Vinnie’s home, he knew why Vinnie had called him there. Vinnie was alone, sitting by the fire but he was sure that the others would soon show up as well. 

As he slumped down next to his friend, he already knew what was coming. Vinnie grabbed one of the woolen blankets he kept outside for when they were all sitting together and handed it to him. He wasn't cold yet but Tommo very well knew that it was just a matter of time, so he appreciated the gesture and wrapped the blanket around his shoulders.

“So,” He began. “I take it you didn't just call me over to get a snuggle?”

“You know that I’m never opposed to a snuggle,” Vinnie chuckled. “But no. I was at Virgil’s earlier.”

“Yeah, I thought that you would say something like this,” Tommo muttered. “So? Are they dead?”

“No,” Vinnie sighed and started digging in the inside pocket of his green jacket before he handed Tommo some papers. “They live in Lancaster now,” Vinnie said. “In the suburbs, would you believe it?”

“They?” Tommo asked. “So they are still together?”

Vinnie nodded towards the documents but Tommo didn't want to unfold the papers and read the information on it. It scared him too much to find out the truth. He hesitated for a bit before he looked at Vinnie. “You know, I don't even know what I want to hear, right? I mean, I don't know what would be worse. If they got better and lead normal lives now or if they are still fucked up junkie assholes.”

“Yeah,” Vinnie huffed. “I get that.”

If anyone could understand it, it was Vinnie. He nodded and took a deep breath before he unfolded the papers. It was a print-out from a register, detailing his parents’ lives and where they lived. “It was easy,” Vinnie said. “That's what Virgil said at least. He said that he found them over Facebook and then it was easy to find out everything else.”

They had two other kids, the print-out stated. A boy and a girl, a couple of years younger than Tommo. His father was working in a fucking bank. His mother was a realtor. It felt a little like a fucking gut punch reading this information. They were living a normal life, ordinary, respected by their community. They had gotten their shit together. He should be happy about that. 

“If you want to, we can … go and find them.”

He didn't even know if he wanted that. Of course, that was the whole reason why he stole those documents in the first place but now that he knew that his parents had turned their lives around he didn't know what he should do. 

“I mean,” He began quietly. “Obviously, I don't have a place in their lives, do I? They never came looking for me, after all.”

“You can't know that, Love,” Vinnie said. “I felt the same about my mum and you and the lads still convinced me.”

He wanted to say something bitter about the way that had turned out for Vinnie but he wasn’t that much of a fucking asshole. “So you say I should go, huh?” He muttered. The Christmas season was now fast approaching. He thought it would be strange for him to show up at this time of the year. Then again, when had he ever cared about whether or not he would ruin someone's Christmas? “Fuck it,” He said. “Ready the horses, Love, we ride at dawn.”

 

-End of Chapter 1-

Chapter 2

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

It was a fucking stupid idea. He knew it. He knew he shouldn't have agreed to it. He shouldn't even have stolen these documents in the first place. Ignorance is bliss and all that. Now that he knew that his parents were fine, upstanding citizens, he didn't know how to deal with that. A million thoughts were racing through his mind constantly.

He had spent the night at Vinnie's but he had barely slept. Usually, he felt terrifically comfortable when he spent the night at Vinnie’s. It was quite cozy in the middle of the fucking woods and even though he didn't like to admit it, Vinnie made him feel safe. He made all of them feel safe. He was mostly useless in a fight but that didn't seem to matter.

He didn't feel safe as they were driving into Lancaster, though. It was just Vinnie and him as he didn't want the lads and their usual chaos around on such a day. It was difficult enough as it was, wasn't it?

“Relax, sweetheart,” Vinnie muttered from the driver's seat and pulled on his vape. “What's the worst that could happen, eh?”

“You know what?” Tommo asked. “After the fiasco with your mum, yeah, you are really in no position to ask that question, Vincent.”

“Hurtful,” Vincent said with a scoff. He knew that it was still an open wound but Vinnie was at the point where he could joke about it from time to time. “You are forgiven, though, Thomas. It's your nerves, right, Sweetheart? But I fucking promise you that it can't be any worse than my mum.”

“You can't promise that though, can you?”

“Dude, I love you. I would not get you into such a situation if I thought it would end badly, yeah?” Vinnie had this way about him, this way he would talk to his friends. He had a talent when it came to comforting others, this soft, warm tone he would employ when it was needed. He was a shouty nightmare of a man but he was also one of the most genuine, gentle people Tommo had ever met.

“I love you too, Vin, but you are an idiot.” Vinnie cackled at his response. “You know … I always thought that there had to be one or two little Tommos running around somewhere but to be confronted with a grown son … that kinda puts things into perspective. I mean, I never wanted to be a dad, right? But now that I am, I only want him to be proud of me. I haven't had any coke in - what? - three months?”

They stopped at a red light and Vinnie pulled him over to press a kiss to both his cheeks, that absolute madman. “I’m fucking proud of you, Tommy. You know that, yeah?”

“I’m proud of myself,” Tommo said after a moment before he chuckled. “I never thought that I would ever see the day that I would say something like that. About myself, I mean. Not much to be proud of, I suppose.”

“Don't be so hard on yourself, Love,” Vinnie said in that soft tone of his that he only reserved for his dearest friends. “You are evolving and that is a great fucking thing. Listen, I know that I am not the biggest fan of change, right? But stagnation is death.”

“Since when have you become so wise?”

“It's the therapy, I guess,” Vinnie laughed. “Unpacking a lot of things there. I was skeptical about it but now I realize that it's doing me a world of good. That Fiona-lady is wonderful. Made me realize a lot of shit about myself. Maybe you should give it a try.”

"Me?" He snorted. “Nah, Love, I’m alright, aren't I? Nothing to fix there.”

“Alright,” Vinnie hummed and started driving again, slowly making his way through Lancaster's thick traffic and out into the outskirts. With every fucking mile they conquered, he felt his nerves flaring and his heart racing. His palms were sweating. He didn't even know what he would say to these people if he met them. How would they react to him anyway? They would probably be horrified. 

“This is a terrible idea, Vincent,” He said as they parked in front of the house. “In fact, I would go as far as to say that this is the worst idea in the history of humanity. Let's get a Kebab instead and go home.”

“Come on, Baby, get out of the car.”

Vinnie stepped out of the car and, a moment later, Tommo was pulled out of the rascal. “Listen, Mate, you were by my side during that whole awful business with O'Connor and such and I'm here now to repay the favor. You don't have to face that dragon alone.”

Tommo couldn't help but snort at this phrasing but he followed Vinnie to the door of the nice suburban home with its pristine white facade and the well-kept lawn in front. It reminded him a bit of Leo and Margret’s house, minus the windchime and garden gnomes and all that. Their front lawn was kept rather classy, a couple of well-trimmed bushes here and there, a lonely tree in the front that looked too scared to grow even one leaf out of place. A car stood in front of the garage. A rather nice car. A car that he would never be able to afford unless he stole it. 

Apparently, they had done well for themselves after he had been taken from them. He wondered if they had even tried to find him in all those years. Then again, it would have been easy, wouldn't it? They could have contacted the Youth Welfare Office and requested the information of where he was. Leo and Margret had never formally adopted him and there was no reason why the authorities shouldn’t have given his information to his birth parents. No, deep down he already knew that they hadn't wanted to get into contact with him. There was another part of him, however, that tried to tell his rational mind that Leo and Margret had probably received such a request and refused to acknowledge it or even tell him about it. 

Maybe that was it. Maybe his foster parents had been selfish and told his real parents that he didn't want contact. Maybe they had still hoped he would agree to being adopted by them at the time and didn't want his real parents to take him away. Yeah, he thought against all better judgment. That was it! His birth parents hadn't tried reaching out again because they thought he didn't want them to!

That made him feel a whole lot better about the whole situation and made him even puff out his chest a little again. He was used to making himself look bigger than he actually was. It was a survival technique that he had to adopt during his school days when the bigger boys, the bullies had seen him as an easy target. It had been much worse during his days at that private school Leo and Marget had paid for. The boys there had taken one look at little Tommy Shaftner had known he was not one of them. Now as a grown-up he knew, of course, that the parents of those boys had talked about him as well, telling their sons all about how he was a foster kid, the child of addicts or criminals or what-have-you, not one of them. And thus Tommo had been treated as such - until he switched schools and met Vinnie, Ash, and Dylan. He remembered that when he first met Vinnie, he had just been thrown in a large bin by some older boys and struggled to get out by himself until Vinnie found him and helped him. After that, for quite some time, when people had asked them how they met, Vinnie had often liked to joke that he had found Tommo in the trash and kept him.

“Okay,” He said. “I've got this.”

He rang the doorbell and, a few minutes later, he heard the harsh clicking of heels on tiles before the door opened. The woman that opened the door was petite, with soft brown curls, and deep brown eyes. She was on the smaller side and still had an inch or two on him - although that might be her heels. The dress she was wearing looked expensive and if this lady truly was his mum, he knew now where his love for flashy colors came from as she seemed to have chosen bright pink as her go-to color. Bright pink was her dress, her nails, and her pumps. She looked confused as she regarded both him and Vinnie. Suddenly, he had forgotten how to form words but even before Vinnie could say anything, she smiled.

“Ah,” She said. “You must be the contractors my husband called for the renovation of the master bathroom, yes? Listen, I know my husband said that the budget was tight but don't listen to him. I already told him that I want - no, I demand - a bigger bathtub, one of those fancy jacuzzi ones, you know the kind. I think I’ve seen one like that on Kim Kardeshian's Instagram the other week and I told my husband that the budget better include a bathtub like that.”

He felt steamrolled by her seemingly endless flow of words. As he looked at Vinnie he thought that his friend looked like he felt the same exact way. 

“Well?” The lady asked. “Come on in then, avanti! I don't have all day, lads. Got Pilates in an hour and I can't have Carol-Anne beating me to it or otherwise she'll hog the best spot again. And I really could do without having Eileen’s feet in my face the entire time.”

He followed her inside without thinking, even though he felt fucking shell-shocked. He was moving on autopilot.

Avanti, eh?” Vinnie muttered quietly as they walked inside.

He couldn't even get an answer out apart from a small whimper. He wanted to bolt and run, in all fucking honesty. Avanti. How would he ever be able to tell her who he was? He couldn't even talk!

“Mrs Shaftner,” Vinnie finally said to stop the lady’s flow of words, otherwise she would keep going on about Eileen’s feet. “We aren’t the contractors you are waiting for.”

She turned around to look at them. Other suburban wives might have been afraid of them now or at least somewhat suspicious, especially of Vinnie with all his tattoos and his weird hair. She, however, only cocked one perfectly-trimmed eyebrow. “Well, I thought that you looked strange for contractors. No coveralls, and all. Not the outfits I would expect. Although you, dear” - She gestured at Tommo - “Look dashing, if I may say so. Oh well, if I were ten years younger … Alas, you are too young for me.”

He shivered in discomfort and looked pleadingly at Vinnie. He had never been this out of his fucking depths before. Even when Hans had suddenly appeared out of nowhere, he had managed to wrap his head around it quite quickly but this … This was too much for his brain to comprehend. At least now he knew that he took after his mum, apparently. He didn't know if this was a comforting thought, though. Right now it only served to freak him out. Growing up, he had never had this sense of familiarity, after all. He had never known what it was like to see an adult and go ‘ Yeah, I’ve got dad’s nose ’ or ‘ I’ve got mum’s eyes ’ or ‘ I talk like my Uncle Jeff’ . He couldn't have been more different from Margret and Leo if he had been created in a lab specifically to be like this. Growing up in their house, he had often felt like he was an entirely different species. An alien living among mankind. Until he met other aliens and became friends with them. 

“So?” She asked. “Who are you then?”

“We came to talk to you and your husband, actually,” Vinnie said. “I mean … He … came for that and I’m just … moral support, I guess.” At her questioning gaze, he extended his hand with a smile. “Name’s Vincent. And that’s-”

“Tommo,” He said but quickly corrected himself. "Thomas - actually." Was this what Hans had felt like when he came to find him? “Shaftner.” He added quieter. For a second he thought that the lady’s face fell a little at the mention of his name but then he realized that it remained that perfectly sculpted mask she seemed to have crafted over the years. Not a hair out of place, not a twitch of muscle that could betray any hint of emotion. 

“What a funny coincidence,” She said eventually. “Not many with that name around.”

“No,” He replied, his throat tight with emotion. Before the woman could say anything else, however, a man appeared from the room behind her. He was dressed just as expensively as the lady, though much less flashy. A dark suit as if he was on his way to work or just came home. He looked handsome, but his eyes were tired. He seemed the type who would come to the dungeon, actually. Working his ass off all day to provide his family with a certain standard, always keeping up appearances - nice cars, expensive clothing, luxurious vacations, private schools - only to either start an affair with his secretary, going to a fucking sex dungeon to be spanked, or ending up having a heart attack before fifty.

“Who’s that, Love?” He asked his wife as he took position behind her. He looked a little like a Doberman the way he stood there, staring them down. Before she could answer, however, Tommo finally gathered his courage to speak again.

“I’m Thomas,” He said again, gathering all the courage he could scrape together in his diminutive body. “Your son.”

The silence that followed seemed to stretch out for an entire fucking year. Still, his mother's face didn't move even a little. His father’s expression, however, had darkened considerably.

“You must be mistaken, Darling,” His mum said evenly. “We don't have a son called Thomas, have we, Michael?”

His father hesitated for a second before he answered. “No, Love. Just our Peter and Joanna.”

Peter and Joanna. His fucking siblings. He was a big brother. Of course, he had known that already but hearing their names was something else. It made it real.

“Yeah,” Vinnie said. “Except he's the little lad that was taken from you - what? - thirty-three years ago? With not one but two broken arms, mind you.”

He tried to keep his calm and not sound too angry but it was clear that he was. For Vinnie, this situation was probably like a déjà vu - his mum all over again, regardless of what he had promised Tommo in the car. This time, however, his mum's facade started to crumble.

“Let's sit down for a moment, shall we?” His father said and gestured to the door behind him. They followed the couple even though Tommo was pretty sure that his kneecaps had been switched out with fucking Yorkshire Pudding or something. Vinnie’s hand landed comfortingly on his back, right between his shoulder blades. They stepped into the living room and the first thing he saw was the fucking photos all over the mantlepiece of their ridiculous fireplace.

They had their wedding photo up as a centerpiece although they looked older in it than what they should have been. Maybe they had a renewal after turning their lives around. The worst were the photos of his siblings, though. His sister was beautiful and his brother looked too much like Tommo to pretend that they weren't related. They looked fucking perfect in their fucking school photos. It fucking hurt. Way worse than what he expected. His siblings looked happy in the family photos. Fucking vacation photos and Christmas photos and shit.

Vinnie guided him over to the sofa and made him sit down as if he already knew that he was only seconds away from a fucking meltdown.

“I don't want anything,” Tommo said before anyone could speak again. “If that worries you. It's just that … Well, I’ve got a son of my own now. And I thought I owed it to him to find his real grandparents. That’s the only reason why I’m here.”

It was a lie. Obviously. He wanted to know why they had never tried to get him back. He wanted to know how it could have ever come to the point that he was taken away from them in the first place. He remembered throwing Cardi’s practice baby around but they all knew, even Tommo himself, that he would never do such a thing to a real child or animal. How could anyone ever do something like this to a child or animal anyway?

His parents exchanged a concerned look and he was sure that his mother would once more claim that she didn't have a son named Thomas. Then, however, her expression seemed to harden. “We do understand that there is an inherent desire to find your roots and get answers,” She said as if he was a client of hers and he had to explain away the moisture in the basement of a house she wanted to sell. “But we have closed that chapter of our lives a long time ago. Our children don't even know about our past struggles and they don't need to know. All of that is in the past, isn't it? And you’ve grown up just fine, it would seem. Handsome, smart, I would assume, successful. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

He couldn't even begin to describe how he felt. He felt numb. Completely numb.

Vinnie, however, had no such qualms. He knew exactly what he felt. And what he felt was fucking rage. “Well, that’s all fine and dandy but for him, that chapter remains very much fucking open, doesn't it?” He asked, his voice rising a couple of octaves in frustration. Tommo wondered if he was now letting out all the frustrations he felt towards his own mother. “Because you see, you knobheads, this guy is your fucking child and he would like a few fucking answers! You might have moved on and pretended that this part of your life doesn't exist but he had to grow up in the foster system. The least you could do is explain a few things to him.”

Clearly, Vinnie had hit a nerve there because the face of his mum contorted into a strange grimace. “What do you want to hear?” She spat eventually. In a way, her reaction now reminded him of the lovely Daphne. A vindictive, cruel woman. “We were too young when we had you, okay? We were addicts, we didn't even have a proper home most of the time and we were fucking in over our heads. I didn't even know that I was pregnant until it was too late to deal with that.”

To deal with that. The words echoed in his head over and over again. It hurt. Knowing that she would have gotten rid of him if she could have hurt. He was a mistake. An accident.

“We weren't prepared. I was seventeen! I didn't mean to bring a child into the world - let alone a child who was battling an addiction already because of our poor life choices! Yet, there you were and you survived by some miracle even though you came two months early and the doctors didn't give you much of a chance. I promised myself that I would turn my life around and be a good mum. I took you to all your doctor's appointments. We even got a flat but you have no idea how hard it is to be a mum. And you,” She shook her head with a sigh. “You were always screaming. Constantly. We could never catch a break. Got thrown out of a flat because the neighbors complained. You were always fucking screaming. And when people can't sleep they tend to get irritated and rough and they become irrational. So, yeah, we lost our patience with you. Sometimes we would give you something just so that you would sleep but then you only screamed worse the next few days! The neighbors called the police one day. We hadn't even realized what happened to you, that your tiny arms got broken but thank God for those neighbors. You were taken away and we could finally get some respite.”

“Respite?” Vinnie breathed but it sounded like he was choking on the word. “He screamed like a fucking banshee because he was an infant that was going through withdrawals and got fucking thrown around like a ragdoll!”

He felt fucking sick. 

“Well, what do you want us to say?” His mother spat as she turned her ire at Vinnie. “It's in the past.” Then she looked at him again and he thought that he could see through her carefully crafted facade. Behind it all, she was a desperate woman. Desperate to fit into a world she didn't belong to, terrified of this dirty little secret to fuck everything up for her and her family. “We thought that you would reach out to us sooner if you wanted it. Our children don't know anything about our past, and we want it to stay like this. So if you came for answers, those are your answers and I would very much like you to leave now before our kids come home.”

There was a part of him that wanted to start throwing a fucking hissy-fit but for some reason, he couldn't even get fucking words out. His body moved on its own, though, as it just stood up and walked towards the living room door. He wanted out. He just wanted to get the fuck out and away from those people.

A moment later he found himself in front of the Rascal and couldn't remember how he even got there.

“Tommo!” He heard Vinnie call from behind him but he couldn't even turn around. It felt like he couldn't breathe. Maybe he was having a heart attack. Well, all the fucking drugs had to catch up to him at one point. “Tom! Thomas!”

Then there was a hand on his shoulder and a second later he was turned around and pulled into a bearhug, getting a fine whiff of that cheap cologne Vinnie always nicked from the drugstore. Some knock-off from a designer brand or something.

“It's okay,” Vin murmured and kissed his head. “It's alright, Love.”

※※※※※※※

Tommo hadn't said a word ever since they left Lancaster. Rain was pummeling down on their car as Vin drove them through winding serpentines, country roads that led across vast hills. He could tell that Tommo was shell-shocked, that he didn't know how to deal with the situation. He needed time. So, Vinnie kept his silence while they drove, only occasionally, glancing at his friend as he sat with his head leaned against the window. He wished Dylan would be around. Dylan always knew what to do but as things were right now, he couldn't even call or text his next friend and ask him. He blamed himself for the situation. If he hadn't talked Tommo into this whole thing, his friend wouldn't have had his heart shattered like this.

As they arrived in Hawley, Tommo spoke up again. “Can you drop me off at the Rat and Cutter?”

“Are you sure, Mate?” 

He didn't fucking want to leave Tommo out of his sights. He wanted to stay fucking close to him. He couldn't force him, though, and he knew that too. 

“Yeah,” Tommo said as they stopped in front of the club. “Sure, I’m alright. I’m gonna sort a few business things out before opening hours.”

“Okay,” He said with a sigh and grabbed his shoulder just as Tommo wanted to get out. “But you don't do anything stupid now, yeah? And you know you can call me whenever, right? I’ll probably be at the pub filling in for Kath for the rest of the day. God knows she could use some rest. Just come over if you want to talk.”

“It's fine,” Tommo said. “Really, I am. It's not like I didn't know they were dickheads, right? At least now I know where I’ve got my fabulous fucking style from. Really, Vin, nothing to worry about.”

He hesitated for a second longer before he finally let go of Tommo’s shoulder. “Fine,” He said. “See you later then.” He watched Tommo walk into the club and waited for a moment longer before he took off again. He fucking hated leaving Tommo like this now. But he was a big boy, wasn’t he? Well, at least in terms of his age. And if Tommo said that he was okay then Vinnie couldn’t force him to admit that he wasn’t - as much as he wanted to beat some sense into fucking Frodo sometimes.

“I worry about our Tommo,” He muttered as he stood behind the bar a little while later. Cardi and Ash sat on the other side, nursing their pints. JJ was at the doctor's with Sugar. It was still fucking marvelous that JJ would be a dad soon. 

“So bad?” Ash asked.

“Worse,” Vinnie huffed. “I nearly punched his mum and dad. I mean … my mum just walked away, right? She just decided to not acknowledge me and I bet that she moved away from Crossley Mere right after. But Tommo’s fucking parents? Fuck me, dude. They seemed offended that he would dare find them and ask questions. They moved on and they thought he had no fucking right to ask or come back to find them. Right pricks they were. Though it's clear now that bad taste in fashion is a genetic thing. You should have seen his mum, Christ on a Cracker. Tell you what, I have half the mind to drive back there and nick something fucking ridiculously expensive right from underneath their asses.”

“Give it a day or two,” Ash said. “Until Tommo feels better again. I'm sure he will be all for it.”

“Nah, I don't think so. I've never seen him like this.” He brushed a hand through his messy hair. “Christ, I'm worried for him. I wish that there was something I could do to help him.”

“Maybe we should all just gather at the shack tonight for beers?” Cardi suggested.

“I don't think he'll come, though. I think he wants to be left alone to deal with everything.” Vinnie sighed. “I would suggest we go camping but judging by how last time went, I don't think that's the best idea because Tom will probably just fucking poison himself again. I think I will drop by his place later. Invite myself in for a sleepover. That sort of thing. I'm definitely not leaving him alone tonight.”

He took a sip of his beer but he couldn't bring himself to enjoy it. What a shit fucking day that was. 

※※※※※※※

He wasn't fine. No matter what he told Vinnie and how much he tried to pretend. He was, in fact, fucking miserable. He had expected the worst and somehow still his parents had managed to make it even worse. No wonder he was such a shithead with genes like that.

The worst part was that he felt like the biggest fucking waste of space and oxygen in the history of mankind as he sat over the books of the club while the music was blaring through the speakers. He couldn't get out of the red, it seemed. He couldn't let Hans down like this though.

He had to do something. Desperately. But what? A complete fucking rebranding of the place? No, a strip club was a perfectly fine and respectable business venue. His previous employees, however, wouldn't come back. And if he swallowed his pride and asked Erin for help? The club had been running smoothly under her management. As much as he hated to admit that. He truly was a giant failure, wasn't he?

It was no fucking surprise then that his parents wanted nothing to do with him. He was a mistake. Nature's cruel fucking joke. Margret had said once that he was a miracle for surviving against all odds in a hostile environment. He had believed her. It was the reason for his sometimes over-boarding confidence. Not that he truly felt all that confident most of the time. He was a big fan of the fake-it-til-you-make-it approach and that had gotten him to where he was now. It had taught him to dress flamboyantly, to make himself look bigger by the way he walked and talked and gestured. To make a fucking impression on people. He was a peacock. That’s what he was. Yet, as his mum had talked to Vinnie, he had felt small, invisible, inconsequential. The dirt under her perfect high heels. A stain on a white carpet. In his mind, he had gone through all possible explanations for them never reaching out. He had been sure that they were either dead, behind bars, or deeply, deeply ashamed. Yet, there was no shame there. Just annoyance that he had the audacity to bring the stain up again after all those years. 

He looked at his phone on the counter. He had changed the background photo recently to a selfie of himself with Hans. He would have never expected this. A grown fucking son out of nowhere from a teenage fling at - what? - fourteen? Fifteen? Regardless, he would have never treated Hans the way he had been treated today. Despite the shock, he had embraced his new role - his son. A part of him wanted to get to know his siblings but after today he was scared to even try. What would they think of their older brother? The colossal fuck-up? Their parents' dark secret? In spite of what happened, he didn't want to ruin his siblings’ lives or their perception of their parents. He wasn't above stalking them on Facebook, though. And if his name would pop up as a recommended friend or something, they could ask their parents about him. And they would play it off as a coincidence that there was another Shaftner around in Lancashire. 

He wondered if one of them would one day find out the truth and suddenly show up at his doorstep. A darker part of his mind thought that they had a right to know about him, didn't they? They had a right to know what kind of people their parents really were. But who was he to show them who their parents really were? What right did he have to shatter the illusion for those two?

He wondered if he still had some coke or ket left in the drawer of his desk in the office.

 

-End of Chapter 2-

Notes:

Please tell me what you think in the comments <3

Chapter 3

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Tommo was fine. Fucking peachy. At least that was what he was so adamant to prove to Vinnie as it seemed even a week after they went to Lancaster and Vinnie had no idea what he could do to make his friend open up to him at least a teeny-tiny bit. Even with the whole rat bullshit going on in Jim’s attic, he pretended like everything was fucking fine. In fact, all signs pointed towards Tommo not being fine at all.

“Did you nick fucking little Tommo?”

The absolute abomination of a dog sat on Tommo’s sofa like it owned the place. If Vinnie still hadn’t caught on to Tommo’s strange behavior, that creature would have been the one and only red flag that he would have needed.

“Of course, I have,” His friend replied without even batting an eye. “We have a connection him and me, Vincent. I couldn't have left him with that horrible woman.”

The way Tommo sat next to the dog it even looked like they had a connection. The dog stared at Vinnie out of its beady little eyes as if it could stare directly into his soul. “Ash said you also stole the ancient drugs from Curtis’ house. I take it you didn't do anything silly with it since you have sworn off the drugs, right?”

“No,” He hummed and petted the dog. “It's a collectors' item. Also, I need to have my wits about me while I try to figure out that treasure map.”

Ah yes, the treasure map. That piece of human skin with a human nipple and that occult symbol on it that had Tommo and the lads convinced that they would find mountains of gold or something equally ridiculous. Nobody seemed the question why Curtis the Rat Catcher even had this map in his possession in the first place. Well, they had seen stranger things, after all. Now the map was lying on the coffee table in Tommo’s living room as if it was nothing.

“It's not a treasure map.”

“Yeah, it is.” Before Vinnie could argue back, perhaps even try pestering him some more about his feelings, his alarm went off on his phone.

“Bollocks,” He sighed. “Almost forgot therapy. Ey, listen up, knobhead. Do not - and I know that I’m repeating myself lately - do not do anything silly while I’m gone and do not take Ash and Cardi on some wild goose chase for some treasure because of this fucking cursed fucking human skin treasure map. Ash is sensitive when it comes to this shit, he believes in all his hocus pocus bullshit and Cardi will, inevitably, follow his lead. I need you to be the grown-up while I'm gone and have an eye on them dickheads. And, for the love of God, bring that dog back, will you?”

“You are just jealous of our connection,” Tommo huffed as Vinnie got up from his seat and sauntered over to the door before he could slap his friend. Something told him that he shouldn't be leaving Tommo alone. Tommo was a force of nature, a hurricane on a good day. Lately, however, ever since their trip to Lancaster, he was uncharacteristically quiet, calm, and docile. The old Tommo would have already taken those vintage drugs and suffered a horrible trip as a result like that time during that fucking murder mystery party. Good God, he never wanted to see his friend so panicked and out of his mind ever again.

He hadn't taken his woes seriously back then, or his frustration with having lost the club to Erin even before that party. He hadn’t seen how directionless Tommo had become after the club had been lost. He had sworn to himself, after that Party, that he would listen better and be more attentive. Fuck, if anyone in their gang was even worse than Vinnie when it came to asking for help it was clearly Tommo.

He leveled another glare at his friend as he opened the apartment door. Tommo rolled his eyes. “Fucking hell, fine. I promise to be a good babysitter and even bring little Tommo back. Go to your stupid therapist.”

“Love you,” Vinnie huffed as he finally snuck through the door even though he did it with mixed feelings. Well, what could possibly happen in this little window of time when he would be talking to Fiona?

※※※※※※※

It wasn’t every day that he had visions of fucking old lady ghosts but even he knew that a vision like this shouldn’t be ignored. The ghost came to him after he gave little Tommo back and went to the Rat and Cutter to go over the books again - as if that would change anything. So, here he was now, sweating buckets behind that pub, digging for bones while Ash and Cardi kept throwing questions at him.

“Haven't you promised Hans you wouldn't take any drugs anymore?” Ash asked in that whiny little voice of his. No wonder people used to bully him. He was a fucking giant and as strong as a bull but he had always, even as kids, hid behind the likes of Vinnie, on occasion even Tommo. He had gained in confidence over the years but sometimes that lad still resurfaced - mostly when Vinnie wasn’t around to lead the fucking way.

“Yeah, well maybe Hans doesn't need to know everything, right?” 

After all, Hans still had it better than Tommo, didn't he? He had a loving, successful mum. He himself was a success. Handsome, tall, athletic, smart. He had nothing of Tommo. Thank fucking God for that. Hans didn't need him. He remembered that warm fuzzy feeling when his son had told him that he needed Tommo to be around for a long time and thus extracted this stupid promise out of Tommo but he knew that the reality was something else entirely. Hans hadn't needed his dad for eighteen years and he wouldn't need him in the future either. He felt fucking terrible as he continued digging with new-found vigor. The sun was already going down. It was freezing cold and his heart was racing and his chest felt fucking tight. Under different circumstances, he would be thinking he was having a heart attack. He wasn’t Dylan, though, who always thought he was dying after taking coke. Fucking Dylan, man. Vinnie was even more depressed since the idiot left.

“Tommo?” Ash sounded worried now and one of his big hands landed on Tommo’s shoulder. He felt like the touch alone made him sink into the ground a little. Had Ashley’s hands always been this fucking heavy?

“Just keep digging, Sweetheart!” He replied and shook himself free. “We need to reunite her flesh with her bones or she'll kill us all.”

“Tommo!” Ash called again. “I think you should sit down, alright? Just for a moment.”

“I don't have fucking time to sit down, Love, I have to find her bones!”

He whirled around to face his friend but before he knew it, the ground came up to greet him.

※※※※※※※

It didn't work, you know? I can see you. The words of his therapist were still echoing in his mind as he sat in the Rascal driving back to Hawley. He wondered if that was the truth, if she really could see the real Vinnie O’Neil. He wanted to think that his friends saw the real Vinnie but sometimes he feared that they only saw him for what he did for them. No, that wasn't fair. He knew it wasn't. Not after the things they did for him after that whole business with O’Connor.

The sun was going down. He hadn't realized how much time had passed while he was in the therapy session. Maybe he should call the lads over to the shack for beer and burgers or something. Just as the thought formed in his head, his phone started ringing. He fumbled to get it out of the pocket of his jacket without taking his eyes off the road for too long. Ash’s name and photo popped up on the display. Well, if that wasn’t foreboding.

“Ash, Sweetheart, what's wrong?” He greeted him. 

“It's Tommo,” Ash said, stumbling over his words. Vinnie’s stomach dropped. “I don't know what happened. We got him to the hospital. I think it's bad, Vin.”

His heart started racing and he stepped on the gas but he tried to stay calm and focused. He had left him for how long? Two hours? Three? “No, Ashley, sweetheart, slow down, okay, Love? Walk me through what happened, yeah?” He needed the fucking distraction or otherwise he would crash the fucking car. 

“He called us to that pub,” Ash started. “Because of the treasure map. He was strange, completely out of his mind, digging holes in the pub garden, saying how he needed to find the bones of some ghost woman and reunite them with her flesh. I’ve never seen him like that. He was freaking me and Cardi out and then he fainted and so we called an ambulance and now we’re here at the emergency room and no one is telling us anything!”

“Okay, listen, Love, I’m almost back in town, okay? I’ll be there in ten minutes. We’ll sort it out, I promise. Do you know if he took anything?”

“Yeah, he took that vintage acid. I told the doctors about it too.”

He slammed his hands on the steering wheel. “That fucking knobhead!” He groaned. “Okay, I’m on my way.” He hung up the call and shoved his phone back into his pocket. He would slap Tommo the moment it would be safe to do so. He had known he would do something stupid. Ever since they went to Lancaster, he had known that Tommo was a powder keg waiting to explode. An experience like this would rattle anyone. Maybe he should have dug deeper, asked more questions. He should have just fucking tied a leash on Tommo and taken him with him to the therapy session. He knew though that Tommo wouldn't have opened up regardless of how hard he had tried. Tommo had always been good at putting up a facade and acting unbothered. He knew him too long and too well to underestimate that. 

As he arrived at the hospital, he barely managed to park the rascal properly before he was already rushing in through the sliding glass doors towards the emergency room. He spotted his friends right away - not that it would be possible to overlook Ash. Carol and Sugar were there too. He wondered where Erin was but Sugar answered his question before he could ask it. “Erin’s at the Rat and Cutter,” She said. “Taking care of everything for Tommo.”

She came to hug him and he was grateful for it. He hadn't realized how much he needed a hug right now or how his hands were shaking. No matter how angry he was at Tommo, he couldn't help but be scared for his friend. He loved Tommo to bits. He loved every single one of his friends to bits and now with JJ on the run and Dylan gone, he couldn't fucking stomach another loss. 

“Heard anything yet?” He asked as he let go of Sugar, only for her to lean her head against his chest. He carded his fingers through her hair and wished JJ would be here for her. The baby was soon to come, after all. Fuck. JJ deserved to be here when the baby came. 

“They are pumping his stomach,” Carol said grimly. “Keep asking us what else he took.”

“Fucking ket, probably,” Vinnie muttered to himself. “I shouldn't have left him  alone.”

“You can't be around all the time,” Sugar said sternly. “You had therapy and that's important too, Vinnie. Tommo is a grown man. He should know how to deal with his emotions without overdosing. Fuck’s sake!”

Obviously, she was right but that didn't change anything about how fucking rotten and useless he felt. “Cardi, Love,” He turned to his friend. The lad had been uncharacteristically quiet. He looked a little pale. “Would you mind giving Sugar a ride home?”

“No, I’m staying.”

“No, Love, you should be home, relaxing, putting up your feet, and not worrying about that dickhead.”

“I don't want to be alone,” Sugar said quietly. He wrapped his arm around her a bit tighter and she all but melted into his side. Where Carol was like a big sister to him, Sugar was like his baby sister for sure. And he would take care of that baby if he had to.  

Carol stepped in and gently pulled Sugar away from Vinnie. “I’m driving her to the Rat and Cutter,” She said. “Erin and you can keep each other company, yeah?”

“Where’s Tyler?” Vinnie asked.

“He’s at Albie’s,” Carol said. “Jim suggested taking him for the night if Erin stays until morning at the club. For Tyler, it's all a big adventure, eh?”

He chuckled at this and watched the two ladies walk off. Yeah, Tyler hadn't caught up with how dangerous his dad’s world could be yet. For him, this was all an adventure and his parents’ friends were just fun and quirky and not deeply disturbed and broken adults that couldn't get their shit together. He hoped that the day when he realized the truth would never fucking come. He sat down next to Cardi on one of those uncomfortable plastic chairs and put his arm around the lad. “It's all gonna be fine.”

Not that it would be Tommo’s first rodeo either. The others just didn't know that. It had been Vinnie who was with Tommo when it happened first. They were sixteen and stupid and Tommo had thought it would be fun to mix all kinds of crap without anticipating the risks. Vinnie had hijacked a car that day to drive Tommo to the ER frantically. He remembered Tommo’s foster parents showing up there and thanking him for acting so quickly. He remembered telling lies about how they got their hands on those drugs to keep Tommo out of trouble, fabricating some elaborate story about some mystery man who had said the pills were nothing but sweets. Of course, no one had believed it but they hadn't gotten in trouble either. The adults had decided that Tommo having his stomach pumped was punishment enough for the both of them - a lesson they should learn from. Obviously, Tommo hadn't learned much that day.

“Do you think he took those drugs because of his parents?” Ash asked after a while.

“Yeah,” Vinnie muttered. “Yeah, I do.” And he should have fucking seen it coming from a fucking mile away. He should have known. 

※※※※※※※

He thought that his head was bursting and splitting in half as he woke up. He knew that he was at the hospital right away. That smell was just unmistakable and it brought him right back to the time Vinnie had been in the fucking intensive care unit. He hated that smell with a passion. How he had gotten here, though, seemed to elude him. He remembered feeling down, remembered that little baggy with the vintage acid, and finding his last reserve of ket in the drawer of his desk at the Rat and Cutter. Or had it been coke? Both, perhaps? He couldn't fucking remember. Not that it mattered, did it?

“I can't turn my fucking back to you for five minutes, can I, Thomas?”

Vinnie’s voice was rough from sleeping and as he turned his head to look at his friend,  Vinnie looked at him with bleary eyes, still half-asleep himself, slumped in the visitor’s chair by his side. He wondered who he bribed to be allowed to stay overnight. Well, Vinnie always found a way, didn't he? He wasn't even surprised to find his friend by his side. He was surprised, though, as he saw both Cardi and Ash as well, sound asleep on a narrow, uncomfortable-looking bench opposite his bed, leaning against each other, snoring loudly. The sight made him feel all warm and fuzzy. Not that he would ever admit that. 

“I’m sure it wasn't that bad,” He murmured.

“You got your stomach pumped, dude. Doc says if Ash and Cardi hadn't reacted as quickly as they did, you would be dead.” He didn't know what to say to that. “Hans called last night,” Vinnie continued. “He was worried because you hadn't called him as promised.”

He had forgotten about his phone date. Fuck. Only months into this whole fatherhood thing and he was already letting the kid down. “You didn't tell him, did you?”

“No,” Vin hummed. “I said you were sick and busy throwing up your guts because Cardi convinced you to eat mussels. Carol gave me the idea.”

He snorted in response. “Thanks.”

“You were doing so well,” Vinnie sighed. “Why did you take those drugs?”

“You make it sound like I am an addict,” Tommo scoffed. “I was curious, okay? Wanted to see what the vintage stuff was like. Got carried away when I found my old stash.”

“Erin is throwing it away, just so you know.” Of course, she was. “We both know that you are not an addict, Tom. So why did you take them? Was it because of what happened with your parents? Because here’s the thing, Thomas: I know that you know that you can talk to me about that stuff. I know that you know that I listen and that I don't judge you. No matter what crazy shit you might say. I know that you know that I know all about abandonment trauma and all that. So, what I don't get is why you rather took drugs than just fucking talk to me. Because I fucking love you, Tom, and I don't want to see you in hospital ever again and especially not because of them dickheads over in Lancaster.”

“It's not that simple,” Tommo muttered because he didn't know what else to say. It really, truly wasn’t as simple as Vinnie made it sound like. But how could he convey that to his friend? How could he make Vinnie understand that something had been torn out of him by those people. Something that fundamentally made him who he fucking was as a person? How could he even try to explain to Vinnie that there was a huge empty fucking hole inside his chest that couldn't be fucking filled no matter how hard he tried to find a way to fill it without resorting to alcohol or drugs or any of his other vices?

“Then try explaining it,” He replied. “I understand if you don't want to talk here and now but you know where to find me.”

“It's fine, I promise,” Tommo said again, stubbornly refusing to bear his soul. Not now, not here. He had just woken up, after all. He needed to make sense of everything first. “Just took too much and underestimated the vintage stuff. Now, be a sweetheart and help me out of this bed, yeah?”

Vinne cocked one eyebrow. “And where do you want to go?”

“Home.”

“Not happening, Love. You could have died, you know that, right?”

“I gathered as much. But since I didn't, thank you very much, I'd like to fuck off now.”

“Doc said that someone should keep an eye on you when you get out. So, either way, Thomas, you'll be stuck with me at the shack.”

He rolled his eyes. Vinnie was nothing if not stubborn. “Jesus fuck me,” He groaned. “Fine. The shack is still better than the hospital.” He threw his blanket back and swung his legs over the edge even though he felt quite dizzy. 

“Bollocks,” Vinnie groaned and grabbed his arm for support until he found his footing. “Straight to the woods then, Tommy.”

He felt a cold huff of air on his buttocks as he stood but it wouldn't be the first time that his friends had seen his ass so he didn't bother covering up just yet. Vinnie didn't disappoint though as he threw his clothes at him. He got dressed while Vinnie woke the lads. They snuck out of the hospital not ten minutes later. Of course, Tommo would never admit that he felt weak and dizzy. He leaned his aching head against the window of the passenger side of the rascal. The glass was blissfully cold and the drive went by quietly, no bickering, nothing. Thank fucking God.

He was actually relieved as they dropped Ash and Cardi off and drove into the deep, dark woods. Vinnie’s home was just so fucking comforting sometimes. Soon he found himself wrapped in a blanket, sitting by the fire in front of the shack with Vinnie by his side. Fuck he craved a nice, cozy, hot, homemade soup. He craved Margret’s chicken soup from his childhood. He felt sick. “I’m a fucking disaster, aren’t I?” He muttered. “I’m a nightmare of a dad. I mean, this was literally the only thing Hans ever asked of me and I still let him down. And above all that, I am also losing his fucking money. Erin was so much fucking better at running the club but I was too proud to see it.”

“You know what the solution to that problem is, yeah?” Vinnie sighed and leaned his head against Tommo’s. “Hire her as your business manager. You are the man with the ideas and vision, the showman. She is the savvy business lady behind the scenes. She gets to go home to Tyler at a reasonable time and you can entertain, do what you always did best.”

“Mhm…” He hummed. “But I doubt she would ever want to work with me again.”

“Oh, she will,” He huffed. “She loves you. And she enjoys butting heads with you.”

Well, in a way, he had enjoyed it too. Not that he would ever admit that. Maybe Vinnie was right. Maybe he should give it a try - get over his pride and actually change something. “I want to make him proud, you know? Hans. I never knew he existed but now I only want him to be proud of me.”

“That's how I feel with Tyler,” Vinnie said. “I never want him to look at me with disappointment. I mean, obviously, he will get far in life and will be much more successful than me. Still, I don't want him to be ashamed of his dad one day.”

“You're a great dad, Vin. You don't have to worry about that.” Vinnie hummed quietly in response and leaned his head on Tommo’s. “I don't know why I did it,” He said. “No, I mean, I do … I felt so fucking down lately. Depressed, honestly. I didn't expect much from my parents but that…”

“They are dickheads.”

“It's more than that.” He leaned against his friend, grateful for his warmth. “I don't know how to describe it. I felt … lost and small and … I don't know. I just didn't know who I was anymore. It felt like that at least. I mean … what kind of parents would abuse their baby like they abused me and then, all those years later, wouldn't even apologize? What kind of parents would throw their baby around like they did me and not even care what became of their child? They just forgot about me. They forgot I existed, pretended like I was never even a part of their lives.”

He felt his eyes burn and his chest constrict with pain. “But maybe it's my fault. I mean what colossal fuck up must I be, what freak of nature for them to treat me like this? No parent would treat their child like this, so it must be me who is to blame. I'm the mistake.”

He didn't realize that he was crying until Vinnie wrapped his arms around him, squeezing him. “Don't say that, it's not your fault, Tommy,” He said, mumbling against the side of his head. “Do you hear me, yes? It's not your fault. No child, no baby, is ever at fault for something their parents did to them. Listen to me, Tom, I know a lot about feeling like you're to blame for everything. I felt like it was my fault that my mum left since I was seven years old. And when she just walked away from me again, I was sure that this was proof of that. It's not though, Tommo. And you are not to blame for the actions of your parents. They were junkies and they neglected and abused, nearly killed you. You went through hell as a baby, before you could even speak. You are not a freak of nature or a mistake. It's your parents. And you don't need them. I’m sorry that I made you go to them.”

He tried taking a deep breath to steady himself again and wiped his face as Vinnie let go of him again. “I would have done it anyway,” He muttered. “Sooner or later. I won't sit here and deny that I wanted it. No … I needed it. I mean, I spent all my life wondering what became of them and why they never came looking for me. Now I know. It's not what I wanted. I didn't have any expectations to begin with but at least now I know that they are dickheads.”

“Dickheads,” Vinnie agreed.

“I mean it's not like I hoped for a family, did I?” He scoffed. “I didn't think that they would take me in their arms and we would hug it out and be a happy family. I've known for a long time that I would never have a family. I mean I have Hans now, of course, but he's all the way in Germany. And I have you lads. And that's enough for me.”

“You have Margret and Leo,” Vinnie said quietly. “And they love you.”

“Yeah,” Tommo huffed. “They are horrible, aren't they? I mean I've known strange people through the dungeon but they truly take the cake. Loving someone like me. My previous foster parents were glad to be rid of me.”

“Which of them?” Vinnie hummed. Oh, there had been nights like this before, when Vinnie and he had talked. Vinnie had always been the person to go to when one wanted to talk feelings. The other lads knew about his situation, of course, but they didn't know the extent that Vinnie did. He remembered ranting to him when they were eighteen, sitting on the shore of the lake, their knobhead mates playing in the water in the middle of the night like complete idiots while they smoked a blunt and shared what they called ‘war stories’ of their fucked up childhoods. “Do you mean the couple that tied you to a radiator? Or do you mean the couple that locked you in a broom closet? Or do you mean the couple that didn't feed you but spent all the money they got for you on themselves?”

“Hmm,” He hummed. “Yeah … I think Leo and Margret are much more crazy than all of those people.”

“Just as crazy as you, Love,” Vinnie huffed. “Come on, you. It's bedtime. You need sleep, you knobhead.”

※※※※※※※

He barely slept that night, despite being wrapped in Vinnie’s embrace and soft blankets. His mind was his biggest enemy as of late and he couldn't help but think about what Vinnie had said to him about Margret and Leo. He knew, obviously, that those two lunatics loved him. There had never been a question about it. They had always treated him with kindness, had always been there for him when he needed them growing up - not that he made much use of that. He remembered first coming to their house after years of abuse and neglect. He remembered being confused by their radiant smiles, wary that they would snap the moment the door closed and the woman from social services left. Even at that age, he had been sure that those two had to be much worse than the people before them. He remembered walking upstairs with them, waiting for the other shoe to drop only for Margret to present his room to him. He had never had his own room before then. But it had taken him months to realize that they wouldn't hurt him or lock him up. He remembered eating and eating and eating until he got sick the first few weeks, afraid that they too would let him starve eventually. And they had indulged his strange behaviors with patience and kind smiles.

He arrived at their house on Sunday. He knew that Hans would call them in a bit. He always called his grandparents on Sunday. Fuck, he loved that kid. He barely knew Leo and Margret and was still a better son to them than Tommo had ever been. He took a deep breath as he got out of his car. He hadn't told the lads where he was headed but when he left the weed bunker early, Vinnie had given him that annoying all-knowing smile. He felt stupid as he got the flat box from the passenger’s seat but now that he had bought it, he might as well deliver it. Taking one last drag from his cigarette before letting it fall to the ground and stubbing it out with his shoe, he braced himself for what he was about to do.

Vinnie was right. Fuck, that knobhead had a very annoying tendency to be right. His biological parents were dickheads. He didn't need them. His real parents, though, lived in the fucking suburbs with grotesque garden gnomes. His real parents had held him after he woken up from nightmares as a child. His real parents had rubbed his back when he had thrown up or been sick with the flu. He rang the doorbell and it was Margret who opened the door this time. Thank God. She let out a surprised little squeak when she saw him and all but pulled him into her arms. She smelled like freshly baked scones. She smelled like home. Her embrace was warm and loving and inviting and she dragged him into the house without asking him if he wanted to come in. He didn't refuse, just followed her lead.

“Oh, Love, how are you? We heard you were in the hospital! We wanted to come visit but they told us you had already left - in the middle of the night! You really shouldn’t have done that, Tommy. It's dangerous, you know?”

“It was fine,” He said timidly. “I wasn't alone. Vinnie kept me company and looked after me. You know that I hate being confined like this. Can't stand hospitals and such.”

Leo stepped into the hallway at the commotion and greeted him, clapping his shoulder. “I brought you something,” He said, clearing his throat awkwardly and holding out the box to Leo.

“A new puzzle?” The man asked with raised brows.

“Yeah, I thought we could do it together,” Tommo said, a part of his soul already leaving his body.

“You hate puzzles,” Margret said, taking Tommo by surprise. Obviously, he hated puzzles but so far none of those two had ever acknowledged it.

“Well, I mean, it's not my favorite past-time,” Tommo replied quietly. “But I thought it would be nice to spend a little time. Has Hans called yet?”

“No,” Margret said. She sounded surprised and looked the part as she exchanged a glance with her husband. Then, however, Leo just put his arm around Tommo’s shoulders and started leading him to the living room.

“That sounds like a lovely idea, Tommy,” He said with a warm smile and patient as ever. Later, as Tommo sat between his parents, the new puzzle in front of them, and Hans on video call, he felt like he finally found peace. He didn't need Catherine and Michael. They had never been his parents. Margret and Leo were his parents. His real parents. Margret had taken care of him when he was sick. Margret had washed his sheets without a fuss when he had accidents at nights. Leo had taught him how to ride a bike. Leo had patched him up when he had scraped his knees. Leo had beamed with pride when he had first seen him in the uniform of the Cubs. Margret had been there, every step of the way, nurturing, caring, loving him. 

And yes, maybe he should drop by more often. Maybe they could make it a new tradition. Sunday afternoons with puzzles and scones. And maybe, just maybe, he had already burned the documents he had stolen from their dresser.

 

-End of Chapter 3-

Notes:

Please tell me what you think, it means the world :3 There are more stories in the works, so keep your eyes peeled!

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