Chapter 1: Part 1
Chapter Text
Megan, acting tough: You guys don't want to mess with me.
Lara: Yeah, Megan will straight up cry in public. Don't try them.
Megan: Exactly, I will straight up-
Megan:
Megan, tearing up: Lara, why would you say that?!
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Interviewer: So what do you have planned for the future?
Katseye: Lunch.
Interviewer: No, like long term.
Katseye: Oh...um, dinner?
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Sophia, walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here.
Megan: Hey.
Manon: Hi.
Lara: Hello.
Yoonchae: Hey!
Sophia: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!
Dani: We were out of Doritos.
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Manon: Why don't you go talk to them?
Lara, sarcastically: Oh. Yeah, sure.
Manon: What? So you go tell them they're cute, what's the worst that could happen?
Lara: They could hear me.
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Manon, to Yoonchae: You know, Sophia can be really aggressive, so it's important to take all the necessary precautions when approaching.
Dani: *blows airhorn at Sophia* GET FUCKED!
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Lara: Are you sure Manon's even gay? They barely even looked at me.
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Sophia, pointing a camera at Yoonchae: There they are, our sweet baby.
Yoonchae, holding a cigarette and a beer: What-?
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Sophia: Hey remember how I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my ADHD meds?
Yoonchae: Yes?
Sophia: Well, it turns out they're all out for the next five days.
Yoonchae: Fuck.
Sophia: It's gonna be a fun week!
Yoonchae: I'm going to Lara's house.
Sophia: Nuh-uh. Through sickness and health, motherfucker.
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Megan: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, that's fucked up. Like c'mon, you know I'm dumb as hell!
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Sophia: Look at me straight in the eyes and tell me the truth, Lara!
Lara: You can't expect me to look into your eyes and be straight.
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Dani: How does that even work?
Sophia, mocking them: hOw dO yOu UsE a cOmPUteR aNd KnOw wHaTS GoiNg oN iT DoEsNt mAke SeNSe?!
Dani: Your face doesn't make sense.
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Lara, in a horrible German accent: Bill Nye is on break, I'm Bill Nein.
Manon: Can I go to the bathroom?
Lara, in the same horrible German accent: Nein!
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Sophia: You have to apologize to Dani!
Megan: Fine!
Megan: Unfuck you, or whatever!
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Sophia: Did you buy eggs like I asked?
Megan: Even better!
Sophia: What the fuck did you-
Megan: *holding up a chicken* Her name is Fluffy.
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Megan: *is visibly upset*
Sophia: Megan, what happened? I haven't seen you like this since you found out candyland wasn't an actual country.
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Megan: *Talking to Lara* Oh, hi. I didn't see you there. Welcome to my abode. I'm glad you could join me.
Lara: But this is my abode.
Megan: ...
Megan: Welcome to my abode, I'm so happy to have you, guest.
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Sophia, at Lara: You're my significant other.
Lara: Yeah I am!
Sophia, at Yoonchae: You're my child.
Yoonchae: Yes boss.
Sophia, at Megan: You're my bitch.
Megan: Yeah I am- wait, what?
Sophia, at Manon: My bestie.
Manon: Naturally.
Sophia, Dani: HA, GAY!
Dani: Fuck you.
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*The Squad's cooking skills*
Sophia/ Lara: *master chef*
Manon: *knows a few recipes*
Dani: *can follow instructions on a box*
Yoonchae: *made toast once*
Megan: *banned from the kitchen*
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Megan: Firstly, how dare you use mathematics to make me look stupid!
Megan: I'm actually very good at mathematics.
Megan: Thirdly, I think you might be right.
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Sophia: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell.
Manon, Lara, Megan, Yoonchae, and Dani: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell!
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Sophia: Where's Dani ?
Yoonchae: Doing stuff.
Sophia: I don't like the sound of that. Where's Manon?
Yoonchae: Trying to stop Dani from doing the stuff.
Sophia: And Lara?
Yoonchae: Trying to stop Manon from stopping Dani from doing the stuff.
Sophia: I see. And what are you doing here, Yoonchae?
Yoonchae: I'm supposed to stop you from stopping Lara from stopping Manon from stopping Dani from doing the stuff.
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Manon: Hey, can we stay in your dorm tonight?
Dani: Why?
Manon: Sophia fiddled with an ouija board and cursed ours.
Yoonchae: Lara doesn't know how to banish spirits, so they just throw salt at them and yell "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A HOTEL TO YOU?!"
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Manon: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
Sophia: >:O language
Yoonchae: Yeah watch your fucking language
Lara: OKAY WHO TAUGHT YOONCHAE THE FUCK WORD?
Megan: 'The fuck word'.
Dani: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
Yoonchae: Oh my god they censored it
Megan: Say fuck, Dani.
Yoonchae: Do it, Dani. Say fuck.
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Sophia: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and have no idea what to put in them. Any suggestions?
Dani: put spaghetti in it
Sophia: I am currently taking suggestions from anyone but you
Manon: Put spaghetti in it
Sophia: I am currently taking suggestions from anyone but you two
Megan: Put spaghetti in it
Sophia: I am no longer taking suggestions
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*Dani and Manon sitting in jail together*
Manon: So who should we call?
Dani: I'd call Sophia, but I feel safer in jail
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Megan, holding a python: Guys I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him
Lara: You did WHAT–
Dani: William Snakepeare
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Megan: Why are Dani and Manon sitting with their backs to each other?
Lara: They had a fight.
Megan: Then why are they holding hands?
Lara: They get sad when they fight.
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Store Worker: Would a Ms. Sophia Laforteza please come to the front desk?
Sophia, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?
Store Worker: points to Dani and Megan
Store Worker: I believe they belong to you?
Dani and Megan, simultaneously: We got lost :(
Sophia: I didn't even bring you guys here with me-
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Yoonchae: Dear friends, your Christmas gift this year... is me. That's right, another year of friendship. Your membership has been renewed.
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Random person: Man, they look like a real handful. How do you deal with them?
*At a dinner party, the guests converse while the host is away* Sophia watching Dani screaming, Megan trying to set a sleeping Yoonchae on fire, and Manon choking on air: I don't know either.
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Sophia: Guys... the principal just called—
Megan: It was Dani !
Dani: It was Lara!
Lara: It was Yoonchae!
Yoonchae: It was me!
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Yoonchae: What did you guys get in your yearbook?
Megan: 'Prettiest Smile'
Sophia : 'Nicest Personality'
Dani: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'
Lara: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'
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Yoonchae: Sophia, I'm sad.
Sophia: *Holds out arms for a hug* It's going to be okay.
Megan: Dani, I'm sad.
Dani, nodding: mood.
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Lara: If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you're all invited
Sophia: If?
Megan: Great, the only party I've ever been invited to and they might not even die.
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Dani: We need a distraction.
Manon: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?
Megan, whispering: My time has come
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Yoonchae: I woke up and chose VIOLENCE. I WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! I AM ANGRY-
Sophia: Awwww, you're so adorable! Give me a hug~
Yoonchae: Wh- What? NO, YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF ME! TREMBLE BEFORE MY WRATH-
Lara, recording: This is so cute.
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Sophia: Can I bother you for a second?
Yoonchae: You're always bothering me, but go ahead.
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Megan: Which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?
Lara: Neither.
Lara: Because it's twelve.
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Dani: WHAT'S YOUR TYPE
Megan: Anything, honestly, but nerds especially
Dani, desperately, as Megan bleeds out: YOUR BLOOD TYPE
Megan: Oh! B positive.
Dani: DONT TRY TO CHEER ME UP JUST TELL ME YOUR BLOOD TYPE
Megan:
———————
Dani: Okay, truth or dare?
Yoonchae: Truth
Dani: How many hours have you slept this week?
Yoonchae:
Yoonchae: ...Dare
Dani: Go to bed.
Yoonchae: I don't like this game.
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Sophia: I know you're deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are.
Lara: It's not a joke.
Lara: * sniffles *
Lara: I'm a legit snack.
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Sophia: This is such a bad idea.
Dani: Then why are you coming along?
Sophia: One of us needs to be able to talk the cops out of arresting us when this inevitably goes wrong.
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Sophia: I prevented a murder today.
Manon: Really? How'd you do that?
Sophia: self control.
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Sophia: Oh, fiddlesticks.
Dani: Look, I understand this is a tense situation, but let's watch the fucking language.
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Lara: If you can't beat them, dress better than them
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Manon: Yeah, I'll smoke a joint tonight, but let's not get too crazy.
*The gang proceeds to get arrested for blocking the road in large traffic cone costumes*
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Katseye: With great power comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.
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Megan: You think I really give a bullshit? I can't even read.
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Megan: Well you see, the explanation is perfectly simple and scientific. It was because shut up. Shut up is why.
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Dani: I fell—
Lara: From heaven?
Dani: No, I literally fell—
Lara: In love with me the moment you saw me?
Dani: MY ARM IS BROKEN!
Lara: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest.
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Sophia: There are no friends when playing board games. I am here to win.
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Yoonchae: *trying to get five seconds of sleep*
Sophia, poking Yoonchae's arm: Yoonchae. Yoonchae. Yoonchae. Yoonchae.
Yoonchae: WHAT?
Sophia: ...We're out of Capri Suns—
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Megan, gesturing to Sophia: Dani, look what you did! You made Mom upset!
Yoonchae: Mom, please don't cry, we're sorry!
Dani: I'm sorry Mom... :(
Sophia, near tears: I DON'T REMEMBER GIVING BIRTH TO ANY OF YOU!
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Dani, to someone that angered them: *Holds two middle fingers*
Sophia: Can't say I'm surprised...
Lara: Yeah, flip em off, Dani!
Yoonchae, confused: *Holds one middle finger*
Sophia and Lara, both very distressed: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Chapter 2: Part 2
Notes:
idk how accurate some of these feel but still gonna post them. lmk if you have any suggestions for changes
Chapter Text
Dani: Your future self is talking shit about you right now.
Manon: Jokes on them. I'll ruin their fucking life.
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Sophia: Just be careful, Yoonchae!
Yoonchae: *heading out the door* I'm always careful, Sophia!
Yoonchae: It's everything around me that's careless.
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Sophia: Now, Dani, all of us are doing this because we care about you, okay?
Yoonchae: Except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face.
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Dani: We just ate. Why are you making pancakes?
Megan: For the dogs.
Dani: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
Megan: They don't know how.
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Megan: I have been tricked, I have been backstabbed, and I have quite possibly been bamboozled.
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Lara: I know how this must look but I can assure you we have a perfectly logical explanation.
Megan: Yeah! We're cowards!
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Manon: PEASANT. I REQUIRE SUSTENANCE.
Dani: You know there are other ways to say you want McDonalds.
Manon: FOUL PLEBEIAN. YOU DARE SPEAK AGAINST ME—
Dani: *sigh* What do you want?
Manon: Chicken nuggets please :)
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Megan: Hey, Dani. Why did the chicken cross the road?
Dani: To get to the other side?
Megan: You were supposed to say "I dunno, why?"
Dani: Uh... fine. I don't know. Why did it cross the road?
Megan: To get to the idiot's house.
Dani: ...Ok?
Yoonchae: Hey, Dani. Knock knock.
Dani: No.
Yoonchae: You were supposed to say "who's there?" :(
Dani: Fine... let's get this over with. Who's there?
Yoonchae: The chicken.
Dani:
Yoonchae:
Megan:
Dani: Listen here you little shits-
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Dani: I have a bad feeling about this...
Lara: What do you mean?
Dani: Don't you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if you're going to get into trouble?
Lara: No?
Dani: That actually explains so much.
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Dani: What are you planning to do?
Lara: Hey, now. "Planning no"?! Do you KNOW who you're talking to?!
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Dani: Think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm?
Yoonchae: If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid.
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Megan: Are you tall enough to play basketball though?
Dani: Are you calling me short?
Megan: I'm calling you vertically challenged.
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Megan: I've got a weapon, and I'm... admittedly VERY afraid to use it!
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Megan: Standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak like 'look at this fucking flower. This flower is taller than I am. This flower is winning and I'm losing.'
Sophia: Wow, you are not ready to hear about trees.
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Dani: Thank you for not saying "I told you so."
Sophia: When you're as right as I am, you don't have to say it.
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Yoonchae, in the groupchat: So you guys robbed Sophia?
Sophia: Yeah, all of them.
Lara: Lies.
Manon: Slander.
Dani: That's bullshit.
Megan: And we'd do it again.
———————
Sophia: Today, Dani took my phone, and in five minutes, they sent high resolution close-up photos of Manon to the following people: Yoonchae, Megan, Lara, the neighbors, the bank, my accountant, San Diego Blood Bank, and Shake Shack's text bot.
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Sophia: I CAN'T DO IT!
Lara, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!
Sophia: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE
Dani: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.
Sophia:
Sophia: I appreciate it,
Sophia: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-
Manon: Sophia-
Sophia: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!
Megan: Sophia we gotta-
Sophia: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.
Sophia: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'
Sophia, motioning to Yoochae: NOT FUCKING THIS!
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Sophia: Just be yourself.
Manon: Really? Sophia, I have one day to win over Dani's parents.
Manon: How long did it take for you guys to like me?
Lara: Couple of weeks.
Megan: Six months.
Yoonchae: Jury's still out.
Manon: See Sophia? 'Just be yourself,' what kind of garbage advice is that?!
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Sophia: What do you want for breakfast, Lara?
Lara: Gay Cheerios.
Sophia: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING FRUIT LOOPS THAT!!
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Sophia: Bye Yoonchae! Bye Lara! Bye Megan! Bye Manon! Bye Dani! Bye Yoonchae!
Dani: You said 'bye Yoonchae' twice.
Sophia: I like Yoochae.
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Sophia: "I miss you" is the nicest text you can receive.
Megan: "I bought a monster truck."
Lara: You're both wrong, it's "I have too much money, you can have some."
Dani: "I got you pizza."
Manon: Fools! I present to you this: "Yoonchae is driving to your house right now."
Megan: "Yoonchae had too much money so they're driving to your house in a monster truck with a pizza that they got for you."
Sophia: "...Because they missed you."
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Sophia: Stressed.
Yoonchae: Depressed.
Manon: Possessed.
Dani: Obsessed.
Lara: Impressed.
Megan: Chicken breast.
Everyone: ...What?
Megan: I just wanted to join in.
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Lara: Alright Manon, Dani. Let's go over this one more time.
Lara: If something breaks?
Manon: We try to fix it before Sophia gets home.
Lara: If it doesn't work?
Dani: We blame Megan.
Megan: Seriously guys, what the hell?!
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Lara: Two bros!
Lara: Chillin' in a hot tub!
Lara: Zero feet apart 'cause we're [hypothetically] GAY AS FUCK!
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Megan: Lara, you're my best friend.
Lara: Best friend? BEST friend?! Bitch, I'm your only friend.
Lara: I'M THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF TOLERATING YOUR DUMB ASS!
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Sophia: WHY. why did you give Megan a KNIFE?!
Manon: I'm sorry. They said they felt unsafe.
Sophia: Now I feel unsafe!
Manon: I'm sorry.
Manon: ... would you like a knife?
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Dani: Yoonchae isn't answering their phone
Lara: I'll call
Dani: Manon and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi-
Yoonchae: Hello?
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Megan: Must be hard not being able to laugh
Yoonchae: I do have a sense of humor you know
Megan: I've never heard you laugh before
Yoonchae: I've never heard you say anything funny
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*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*
Sophia: So.Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Everyone:
Yoonchae: ...I did.I broke it.
Sophia: No.No you didn't. Dani?
Dani: Don't look at me. Look at Megan.
Megan: What?!I didn't break it.
Dani: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Megan: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
Dani: Suspicious.
Megan: No, it's not!
Manon: If it matters, probably not, but Lara was the last one to use it.
Lara: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Manon: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
Lara: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles.Everyone knows that, Manon!
Yoonchae: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Sophia.
Sophia: No! Who broke it!?
Everyone:
Manon: Sophia...Dani's been awfully quiet.
Dani: REALLY?!
* Everyone starts arguing*
Sophia, being interviewed: I broke it.I burned my hand so I punched it.
Sophia: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
Sophia:
Sophia: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
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Yoonchae: We're kind of missing something guys.
Lara: Cohesion?
Megan: Teamwork?
Dani: A general sense of what we're doing?
Manon: And Sophia is not here.
Lara: Oh, and that, yeah.
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Fan: What makes you all smile?
Manon: Friends and Family.
Megan: Snacks.
Sophia: Victory and success.
Yoonchae: Face muscles.
———————
Megan: Looking left cause you don't treat me right
Lara: Looking right because you left
Manon: Looking up cause you let me down
Dani: Looking down cause you fucked up
Yoonchae: What is wrong with you guys
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Sophia, about Yoonchae: Apparently we're getting someone new in the group.
Megan: Are we stealing them?
Lara: New or used?
Sophia: Wonderful responses, both of you.
———————
Sophia: Can I be frank with you guys?
Megan: Sure, but I don't see how changing your name is gonna help.
Yoonchae: Can I still be Yoonchae?
Lara: Shh, let Frank speak.
———————
Manon: What time is it?
Dani: I don't know; pass me that saxophone and we'll find out
Dani: * Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune*
Yoonchae: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING
Dani: It's 2 am
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Lara: It's Pride Month, you know what that means!
Yoonchae: I get to eat as many Skittles as I want?
Lara: What? No! What has Megan been telling you?
Megan, walking in, pouring Skittles into their mouth: Taste the rainbow, bitch.
———————
Katseye: Oh, here's my award for the most rules broken!
Sophia: That's not an award, it's an angry letter from our boss.
Katseye, hanging it on their wall: Well, it has the word 'most' in it, so I'm calling it an award!
———————
Dani: Are you sure Megan's going to be able to handle that IKEA furniture? They're not very good with technical stuff...
Sophia: Why are you worried? IKEA was never complicated; these days, it's even easier! Everything's color coded, numbered, and there's even an assembly robot option to make it even easier for Megan, which we've obviously opted in for. All they need to do is press the clearly labeled ON button, scan the QR code on the front of the box, and it'll take care of the rest. Even a monkey could do it!
*Sophia's phone rings*
Megan: Hey, so I'm at Lowes...
Dani: ...
Dani: I should have gone with the monkey.